As a hard-hitting news hound, I have reported here before about the National Police Agency (NPA Japan) and its battle with organized crime, the Yakuza (Japanese mafia). As I discovered, part of the NPA's serious effort has been to actively compete with the gangs for revenue as a way of reducing the flow of money into the coffers of the "bad guys".
With the 2020 Olympics scheduled to take place in Tokyo, organized crime is seeing a growth of opportunities for increasing its income. There are enormous construction projects to be parceled out, workers to be hired, sex workers to be enrolled and heaps of money to be made in shakedowns, extortion, kickbacks and out-and-out bribes.
Clearly the NPA cannot let all this go unchallenged and has to take a stand against organized crime by taking over many of these "businesses" for themselves.
No, I am not making this up.
I usually spend most of my time yucking it up in these posts, but sometimes it is important to probe and investigate – as the hard-hitting news hound that I am – to get to the bottom of the story and expose the behind-the-scenes information that I know you readers have come to depend on from me.
Once again, I arranged an interview with Assistant Vice-Director of Vice Control Lieutenant Wairo at the NPA.
Lt. Wairo (still dressed in his distinctive style): Oh, it's you again. Didn't you come and interview me a couple of years ago?
P: Yes, I did. We talked about the NPA's competition with organized crime for money from illegal businesses.
Lt. Wairo: Oh, right! I remember now. What can I do for you today?
P: Recently, I read that the NPA is once again trying to force the Yakuza to the sidelines by directly competing for positions in construction companies that will be building Olympic venues for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.
Lt. Wairo: Yes? And?
P: Well, I was hoping you could explain why the NPA is essentially moving to take over Yakuza activities that normally would be suppressed by many police agencies.
Lt. Wairo (sighing elaborately and stubbing his non-filter cigarette out abruptly) : I explained all this the last time you came here, but the Olympic decision definitely puts a new spin on things. Here in the NPA we have a lot of old-timers – basically, your baby-boomers (he looks at me meaningfully) – who are retiring in droves. Traditionally we have found post-retirement positions for them as advisers in the highway-sign companies and illegal gambling industry, but even though we are trying hard to increase signage and pushing for allowing casinos to operate, we still do not have enough openings for these retirees. The construction boom that is sure to take place here in Tokyo is obviously a good place for us to start.
P: Yes, you do need to find positions for these people, don't you.
Lt. Wairo: Exactly! And what better way to do it than to push the gangsters out at the same time! It's a win-win situation! Our retirees get their post-retirement positions that assure well-deserved comfort in their golden years, AND (he thumps his desk with his fist) we edge out the bad guys who would otherwise be in these positions, funneling money into organized crime!
P: Yes. Why let the gangsters get the bribes and kickbacks for deciding which companies get projects when your retirees can receive these funds!
Lt. Wairo (beaming): Indeed! And here I thought you were not so bright!
Our efforts to take over these anti-social activities from people we really don't want in our communities should receive a major boost from the Olympics. Even the other businesses we talked about when you came last time should be thriving with the influx of tourists from around the world!
P: You mean the sex industry and gambling?
Lt. Wairo: Ha ha! You foreigners are so direct. We don't call it the "sex industry"; you make it sound so sleazy. What could be more beneficial to an Olympic tourist after a hard day of cheering on his country's teams than to relax in one of our managed soapland spas? Or they could head out for some excitement at one of the new casinos we hope to have in place by then?
P: Of course! And they could go to all these places without worrying that they were contributing to the advancement of organized crime.
Lt. Wairo: I am pleased that you see it that way!
Hey, before you go... I hear that you were a professor of English language. Is that correct?
P: Er.... yes?
Lt. Wairo (pulling a poster, advertising a soapland "spa" out of his desk): Well, with the Olympics coming, all of these ads and posters will have to be translated into English, so I was wondering if you could do us a favor and translate them for us? You can start with this one. We would be happy to pay you for your time, and (winking) you could go to the soapland yourself to do some "research". Of course your visit would be "on the house"! (he laughs suggestively)
P: Oh... well, I would love to of course, but actually I'm pretty busy these days. I am sure you have people in the police department who can handle the translation. Why not get one of the guys who translates your highway signs* to do it?
Lt. Wairo: OK, good idea, but if you change your mind, don't hesitate to contact me again!
P: Thank you, and thank you for your time.
Lt. Wairo: We here at the National Police Agency are always delighted to talk to members of the international press.
- - - - - - - - - -
* A better translation would be "Motor Vehicles Only". One sign costs ¥25,000,000 or about USD$250,000! There are probably hundreds of these signs around the country.
Showing posts with label Japanese gangs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Japanese gangs. Show all posts
Monday, October 14, 2013
Monday, November 5, 2012
The Proper Labels
Once again Japanese gangs, yakuza, have slithered into the news. In Fukuoka on the southern island of Kyushu, the problem of gang-extortion and violence has gotten out of control. Naturally, the ever-alert National Police Agency (NPA) needs to have new weapons at its disposal to combat this rise in crime and disruption of peaceful commerce.
I am sure you are imagining the creation of new SWAT teams, delivery of armored vehicles, or issuance of shotguns or other heavy weapons to the cop on the beat, but in fact – this being Japan – the steps involve new labels, and stickers on restaurant and bar windows.
Someone needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic new turn in law enforcement direction, so once again I donned my investigative journalism hat and roamed out into the streets to see for myself what was going on. A Hard-Hitting News Hound needs to get out in the streets and rub shoulders with the street people to keep his fingers on the pulse of the streets in order to do proper reporting.
Nothing was going on in the streets.
Part of the reason for this is that I live in a rural area hundreds of kilometers from the gang problem in Fukuoka.
I needed to take other steps.
I contacted my connections at the NPA and arranged another interview with one of the officers involved with handling gang activities.
The assistant showed me into his office.
Captain Kanarazu Taiho: Please sit down.... Wait a minute... weren't you here before?
HHNH (me): Uh... yes... I talked to you in September?
Capt. Taiho: So what is it now?
HHNH: I wanted to ask you about the new anti-gang policies the NPA has instituted recently.
Capt. Taiho: (pulling a non-filter cigarette from the pack and tapping it on his Zippo lighter) Didn't you ask me about that last time?
HHNH: Yes, but last time was about the designation of gangs... you know... labeling them as gangs so that the police could deal with them?
Capt. Taiho: So? What now? (he keeps tamping his cigarette on the lighter)
HHNH: So, I wondered what the recent police activity was about. The gangs have been officially designated already, so why is there a problem in Fukuoka with arresting them when they break the law?
Capt Taiho (putting the cigarette into his mouth): You really have no clue about law enforcement, do you? (he lights the cigarette dramatically and flicks the Zippo lighter closed with a flair) There are ordinary gangs out there, but there are also very violent gangs who enter legitimate establishments and threaten the owners and extort money and so on... it's very serious.
HHNH: Yes, it sounds really bad... so why don't you arrest them?
Capt Taiho (puffing out a huge cloud of smoke): Are you out of your mind? We can't arrest gangsters who are labeled only as common gangsters when they are out of control and acting violently? They need a special classification! Where have YOU been?
HHNH: But... I mean... well... if they are breaking the law, can't you arrest them for that?
Capt Taiho: HAHAHAHA!!! I really like talking to you... and now I remember why! You are a foreigner and have NO IDEA what we do here in the National Police Agency. I read about your country's police... they just rush in and shoot the gangsters, but here in Japan (he made it sound like a bastion of civilization against the onslaught of barbarism), we just don't do that.
HHNH: So... from what I read in the papers, it sounds like you needed to reclassify some of the gangsters?
Capt. Taiho: So you ARE paying attention! Yes! We absolutely had to go back and look at our lists of gangs and reclassify some of them as "violent gangsters".
HHNH: And what difference did that make? I mean... if they break the law and all... why not just arrest them?
Capt. Taiho: YOU MORON! (he spit his cigarette onto the floor) Do you not understand... (he got another cigarette from his pack and started tamping it on the lighter)... the least bit about police work? Let me give you an example (he looked up at the ceiling, lit his cigarette and started explaining as if to a person with broccoli-level intelligence). Suppose I tell you to go out and catch some fish.
HHNH: I can do that!
Capt. Taiho: No doubt. But suppose that the fish we really need caught is only one type, say mackerel. You would come back with arm-loads of fish but not one mackerel among them!
HHNH: But if all the fish were ba...
Capt. Taiho: NO!!! It's important to label the really bad ones and weed them from the others!
HHNH: I see... then after they are labeled, how will you stop the mackerel from going into the various restaurants and other establishments and extorting money and so on?
Capt. Taiho: You didn't read about that? You missed the main point! When it comes to serious crime, the NPA will not hesitate to take drastic action! We have issued stickers* to EVERY business in the eating and drinking areas of Fukuoka.
HHNH: Er... stickers?
Capt. Taiho: Of course stickers! These are not just any old stickers, no... these will turn away violent gangsters. They have the emblem of the National Police Agency on them!
HHNH: I see... kind of like holding up a cross at a vampire?
Capt. Taiho: What are you talking about? There are no vampires in Japan.
HHNH: Um... so NPA policy is to "scare" the most violent members of organized criminal gangs away by putting stickers on the windows of restaurants and other establishments?
Capt. Taiho: (looking very smug and blowing smoke out through his nostrils) Exactly! In short order, we can expect a decrease in the number of violent gang members entering these establishments and conducting illegal business such as extortion.
HHNH: It's amazing what the NPA can accomplish with such seemingly small measures and at a very reasonable cost too!
Capt. Taiho: Yes! We here at the National Police Agency take our stewardship of the public's resources very seriously. Relabeling the worst of the gangsters and placing stickers in every window in the night-life districts is an efficient and cost-effective way of dealing with the problem of organized crime in Japan.
HHNH: Well... thank you very much for your time, Captain.
Capt. Taiho: It was my pleasure. I am always happy to explain the policies and practices of Japan's efficient and effective police force to members of the foreign press. Your country's police could learn some lessons from us, you know!
HHNH: Yes, no doubt. I will write a letter to the FBI. Maybe they can come up with some cool stickers that will scare off the gang-bangers and the drug gangs in the US.
Capt. Taiho: Excellent idea! Good luck. You know the way out.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Sticker translation: "Gang Members Prohibited"
I am sure you are imagining the creation of new SWAT teams, delivery of armored vehicles, or issuance of shotguns or other heavy weapons to the cop on the beat, but in fact – this being Japan – the steps involve new labels, and stickers on restaurant and bar windows.
Someone needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic new turn in law enforcement direction, so once again I donned my investigative journalism hat and roamed out into the streets to see for myself what was going on. A Hard-Hitting News Hound needs to get out in the streets and rub shoulders with the street people to keep his fingers on the pulse of the streets in order to do proper reporting.
Nothing was going on in the streets.
Part of the reason for this is that I live in a rural area hundreds of kilometers from the gang problem in Fukuoka.
I needed to take other steps.
I contacted my connections at the NPA and arranged another interview with one of the officers involved with handling gang activities.
The assistant showed me into his office.
Captain Kanarazu Taiho: Please sit down.... Wait a minute... weren't you here before?
HHNH (me): Uh... yes... I talked to you in September?
Capt. Taiho: So what is it now?
HHNH: I wanted to ask you about the new anti-gang policies the NPA has instituted recently.
Capt. Taiho: (pulling a non-filter cigarette from the pack and tapping it on his Zippo lighter) Didn't you ask me about that last time?
HHNH: Yes, but last time was about the designation of gangs... you know... labeling them as gangs so that the police could deal with them?
Capt. Taiho: So? What now? (he keeps tamping his cigarette on the lighter)
HHNH: So, I wondered what the recent police activity was about. The gangs have been officially designated already, so why is there a problem in Fukuoka with arresting them when they break the law?
Capt Taiho (putting the cigarette into his mouth): You really have no clue about law enforcement, do you? (he lights the cigarette dramatically and flicks the Zippo lighter closed with a flair) There are ordinary gangs out there, but there are also very violent gangs who enter legitimate establishments and threaten the owners and extort money and so on... it's very serious.
HHNH: Yes, it sounds really bad... so why don't you arrest them?
Capt Taiho (puffing out a huge cloud of smoke): Are you out of your mind? We can't arrest gangsters who are labeled only as common gangsters when they are out of control and acting violently? They need a special classification! Where have YOU been?
HHNH: But... I mean... well... if they are breaking the law, can't you arrest them for that?
Capt Taiho: HAHAHAHA!!! I really like talking to you... and now I remember why! You are a foreigner and have NO IDEA what we do here in the National Police Agency. I read about your country's police... they just rush in and shoot the gangsters, but here in Japan (he made it sound like a bastion of civilization against the onslaught of barbarism), we just don't do that.
HHNH: So... from what I read in the papers, it sounds like you needed to reclassify some of the gangsters?
Capt. Taiho: So you ARE paying attention! Yes! We absolutely had to go back and look at our lists of gangs and reclassify some of them as "violent gangsters".
HHNH: And what difference did that make? I mean... if they break the law and all... why not just arrest them?
Capt. Taiho: YOU MORON! (he spit his cigarette onto the floor) Do you not understand... (he got another cigarette from his pack and started tamping it on the lighter)... the least bit about police work? Let me give you an example (he looked up at the ceiling, lit his cigarette and started explaining as if to a person with broccoli-level intelligence). Suppose I tell you to go out and catch some fish.
HHNH: I can do that!
Capt. Taiho: No doubt. But suppose that the fish we really need caught is only one type, say mackerel. You would come back with arm-loads of fish but not one mackerel among them!
HHNH: But if all the fish were ba...
Capt. Taiho: NO!!! It's important to label the really bad ones and weed them from the others!
HHNH: I see... then after they are labeled, how will you stop the mackerel from going into the various restaurants and other establishments and extorting money and so on?
Capt. Taiho: You didn't read about that? You missed the main point! When it comes to serious crime, the NPA will not hesitate to take drastic action! We have issued stickers* to EVERY business in the eating and drinking areas of Fukuoka.
HHNH: Er... stickers?
Capt. Taiho: Of course stickers! These are not just any old stickers, no... these will turn away violent gangsters. They have the emblem of the National Police Agency on them!
HHNH: I see... kind of like holding up a cross at a vampire?
Capt. Taiho: What are you talking about? There are no vampires in Japan.
HHNH: Um... so NPA policy is to "scare" the most violent members of organized criminal gangs away by putting stickers on the windows of restaurants and other establishments?
Capt. Taiho: (looking very smug and blowing smoke out through his nostrils) Exactly! In short order, we can expect a decrease in the number of violent gang members entering these establishments and conducting illegal business such as extortion.
HHNH: It's amazing what the NPA can accomplish with such seemingly small measures and at a very reasonable cost too!
Capt. Taiho: Yes! We here at the National Police Agency take our stewardship of the public's resources very seriously. Relabeling the worst of the gangsters and placing stickers in every window in the night-life districts is an efficient and cost-effective way of dealing with the problem of organized crime in Japan.
HHNH: Well... thank you very much for your time, Captain.
Capt. Taiho: It was my pleasure. I am always happy to explain the policies and practices of Japan's efficient and effective police force to members of the foreign press. Your country's police could learn some lessons from us, you know!
HHNH: Yes, no doubt. I will write a letter to the FBI. Maybe they can come up with some cool stickers that will scare off the gang-bangers and the drug gangs in the US.
Capt. Taiho: Excellent idea! Good luck. You know the way out.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Sticker translation: "Gang Members Prohibited"
Monday, September 10, 2012
Undesignated Gangs
The whole Japanese nation is shocked!
How is it possible that a gang of ten masked men can enter a club in a tony part of Tokyo and bludgeon a man to death with pipes and baseball bats.
There are obvious questions: who were they, why did they single out that one man, and how come they didn't kill 37 innocent bystanders in a spray of automatic weapons fire like they would have in America?
The article explains that they were probably members of an "undesignated criminal organization".
Sometimes, we humor bloggers have to leave the comfort of our wine-and-cheese-and-wine passivity and take on a new role: Hard Hitting News Hound!
Yes, even yours truly has pushed the envelope with hard-hitting, in-depth investigations about the Yakuza (Japanese mafia) and how the police are taking them on. At great risk to myself and my... my........ hmmm....
ANYWAY!
At great risk, I have reported on how the dangerous Yakuza are in direct confrontation with the National Police Agency and also on how they are extending their tentacles into marriage, but despite these risks, I continue to point the spotlight of TRUTH on them.
The question that needs to be asked right here and right now is how could an undesignated criminal organization get away with this.
I needed to talk to the police, so I arranged an interview with my connection at the National Police Agency, Captain Kanarazu Taiho.
Hard Hitting News Hound (me): Thank you for agreeing to meet me, Captain Taiho.
CT: It's my pleasure. We here at the National Police Agency welcome the interest of the press in our efforts to control crime in this country. Did you know that we solve over 85% of the crimes committed in Japan? (he leans forward and looks at me with his eyebrows raised expectantly)
HHNH: That's truly amazing....
CT: Haven't I seen you before? (he lights up a cigarette) You don't mind if I smoke, right? I know you foreigners are sensitive to smoking.....
HHNH: Oh... no... it's OK. But yes, I did interview you before about the issue of "designated criminal organizations".
CT: I heard that you also talked to Lieutenant Wairo about our efforts to suppress gang activity (he raises his eyebrows again suggestively)?
HHNH: Yes, I did. A few months ago....
CT: Did he say anything about that soapland over in Meguro (a Tokyo district)?
HHNH: Er... he did give me a card for Charmy Bliss Soapland... is that the one?
CT: Oh.... no.... never mind. (he scribbles something onto a note pad) OK. What can I do for you Mr. Pterosaurish? Did you overstay your visa again?
HHNH: No, that is not what I want to talk to you about.
CT: Your alien registration is expired?
HHNH: No, not that. What I wanted to talk....
CT: Maybe, you have modified your car to be a little outside of the legally permissible parameters? You DO have those funny tubes on the front bumper....
HHNH: You know about those?.... No, what I wanted to talk to you about is the recent killing in the Flower Club in Roppongi, and how it was done by an "undesignated criminal gang".
CT: Ah... yes... the murder with the pipes and baseball bats. Can you believe it took them two minutes to kill him?
HHNH: Um... what?
CT: This is what I have been trying to convey to the media for ALL these many years (he shakes his head, removes his glasses and polishes them with his handkerchief). If we permit undesignated gangs to do this sort of thing, we are allowing incompetents to handle gang activity. This is beyond the pale. Two minutes? That is TOTALLY unreasonable. A registered gang would have done it in less than one minute for sure!
HHNH: I was wondering about that...
CT: Yes. I confess that I am a little anal about this issue. I really cannot believe that WE – here at the National Police Agency – would allow an UNdesignated criminal gang to kill someone in a club! That is simply OUTRAGEOUS (his spittle flecks my notepad)! Now, I have tried... over these many years... to make sure that ALL the gangs out there have every avenue to register with us. I asked for and received special funds... SPECIAL FUNDS I tell you... did you know that we are on a restricted budget now because of all the natural disasters and so on?... yes... but even so... I got SPECIAL funds to go out and canvass the gangs around the country and make sure that they are all registered so that we can complete the "designation process". But wouldn't you know it! (He tosses back his hair and snorts the cigarette smoke out of his nostrils) One gang simply refuses to register. What can I do about this? I ask you! What can I do?!!
HHNH: Er... arrest them?
CT: Are you completely out of your mind or just a usual foreigner? Are you kidding me? We can't arrest them. They are not registered yet! Let me make this clear to you (he raises his eyebrows again.... several times)... We only arrest members of designated gangs who have committed crimes which fall under the "designated criminal activity code" crimes. Running into a club in Roppongi and bludgeoning to death a patron in a club is one thing, but not registering in advance and becoming a designated criminal organization... I am telling you... this is too much. Our nation is going to seed here! I really have started to think that maybe I should emigrate somewhere... maybe America.
HHNH: You want to emigrate to America?
CT: No... I am sorry... it's too dangerous over there. But we really do need to make sure that all our criminal gangs are registered here.... do you have any ideas?
HHNH: Voter registration is a big issue in my country..... might you take advantage of some of those techniques?
CT: Voter registration, you say? What is that? Anyway... yes... we are interested in ANYway to get the criminal gangs to come in and become "designated gangs". Once we get them on board, we will be able to count on them to not take so long to bludgeon their victims... I mean.... 2 minutes? Hello?... and things will be much smoother.
HHNH: So registration is the main thing....?
CT: Absolutely! We simply cannot allow gangs to be unregistered. We must be able to designate them officially before they can conduct any sort of gangland activity.
And did you say the Charmy Bliss Soapland?
HHNH: What?... oh... Lieutenant Wairo's recommendation.... I am so sorry... I didn't actually go there.
CT: Foreigners (he rolls his eyes)! You need to get out and experience more of Japanese culture, you know. We had a civilization when you foreigners were still living in caves and trees.
HHNH: Yes... um... whatever... thank you for your time, Captain Taiho, I really appreciate it.
CT: Anytime, foreigner.
How is it possible that a gang of ten masked men can enter a club in a tony part of Tokyo and bludgeon a man to death with pipes and baseball bats.
There are obvious questions: who were they, why did they single out that one man, and how come they didn't kill 37 innocent bystanders in a spray of automatic weapons fire like they would have in America?
The article explains that they were probably members of an "undesignated criminal organization".
Sometimes, we humor bloggers have to leave the comfort of our wine-and-cheese-and-wine passivity and take on a new role: Hard Hitting News Hound!
Yes, even yours truly has pushed the envelope with hard-hitting, in-depth investigations about the Yakuza (Japanese mafia) and how the police are taking them on. At great risk to myself and my... my........ hmmm....
ANYWAY!
At great risk, I have reported on how the dangerous Yakuza are in direct confrontation with the National Police Agency and also on how they are extending their tentacles into marriage, but despite these risks, I continue to point the spotlight of TRUTH on them.
The question that needs to be asked right here and right now is how could an undesignated criminal organization get away with this.
I needed to talk to the police, so I arranged an interview with my connection at the National Police Agency, Captain Kanarazu Taiho.
Hard Hitting News Hound (me): Thank you for agreeing to meet me, Captain Taiho.
CT: It's my pleasure. We here at the National Police Agency welcome the interest of the press in our efforts to control crime in this country. Did you know that we solve over 85% of the crimes committed in Japan? (he leans forward and looks at me with his eyebrows raised expectantly)
HHNH: That's truly amazing....
CT: Haven't I seen you before? (he lights up a cigarette) You don't mind if I smoke, right? I know you foreigners are sensitive to smoking.....
HHNH: Oh... no... it's OK. But yes, I did interview you before about the issue of "designated criminal organizations".
CT: I heard that you also talked to Lieutenant Wairo about our efforts to suppress gang activity (he raises his eyebrows again suggestively)?
HHNH: Yes, I did. A few months ago....
CT: Did he say anything about that soapland over in Meguro (a Tokyo district)?
HHNH: Er... he did give me a card for Charmy Bliss Soapland... is that the one?
CT: Oh.... no.... never mind. (he scribbles something onto a note pad) OK. What can I do for you Mr. Pterosaurish? Did you overstay your visa again?
HHNH: No, that is not what I want to talk to you about.
CT: Your alien registration is expired?
HHNH: No, not that. What I wanted to talk....
CT: Maybe, you have modified your car to be a little outside of the legally permissible parameters? You DO have those funny tubes on the front bumper....
HHNH: You know about those?.... No, what I wanted to talk to you about is the recent killing in the Flower Club in Roppongi, and how it was done by an "undesignated criminal gang".
CT: Ah... yes... the murder with the pipes and baseball bats. Can you believe it took them two minutes to kill him?
HHNH: Um... what?
CT: This is what I have been trying to convey to the media for ALL these many years (he shakes his head, removes his glasses and polishes them with his handkerchief). If we permit undesignated gangs to do this sort of thing, we are allowing incompetents to handle gang activity. This is beyond the pale. Two minutes? That is TOTALLY unreasonable. A registered gang would have done it in less than one minute for sure!
HHNH: I was wondering about that...
CT: Yes. I confess that I am a little anal about this issue. I really cannot believe that WE – here at the National Police Agency – would allow an UNdesignated criminal gang to kill someone in a club! That is simply OUTRAGEOUS (his spittle flecks my notepad)! Now, I have tried... over these many years... to make sure that ALL the gangs out there have every avenue to register with us. I asked for and received special funds... SPECIAL FUNDS I tell you... did you know that we are on a restricted budget now because of all the natural disasters and so on?... yes... but even so... I got SPECIAL funds to go out and canvass the gangs around the country and make sure that they are all registered so that we can complete the "designation process". But wouldn't you know it! (He tosses back his hair and snorts the cigarette smoke out of his nostrils) One gang simply refuses to register. What can I do about this? I ask you! What can I do?!!
HHNH: Er... arrest them?
CT: Are you completely out of your mind or just a usual foreigner? Are you kidding me? We can't arrest them. They are not registered yet! Let me make this clear to you (he raises his eyebrows again.... several times)... We only arrest members of designated gangs who have committed crimes which fall under the "designated criminal activity code" crimes. Running into a club in Roppongi and bludgeoning to death a patron in a club is one thing, but not registering in advance and becoming a designated criminal organization... I am telling you... this is too much. Our nation is going to seed here! I really have started to think that maybe I should emigrate somewhere... maybe America.
HHNH: You want to emigrate to America?
CT: No... I am sorry... it's too dangerous over there. But we really do need to make sure that all our criminal gangs are registered here.... do you have any ideas?
HHNH: Voter registration is a big issue in my country..... might you take advantage of some of those techniques?
CT: Voter registration, you say? What is that? Anyway... yes... we are interested in ANYway to get the criminal gangs to come in and become "designated gangs". Once we get them on board, we will be able to count on them to not take so long to bludgeon their victims... I mean.... 2 minutes? Hello?... and things will be much smoother.
HHNH: So registration is the main thing....?
CT: Absolutely! We simply cannot allow gangs to be unregistered. We must be able to designate them officially before they can conduct any sort of gangland activity.
And did you say the Charmy Bliss Soapland?
HHNH: What?... oh... Lieutenant Wairo's recommendation.... I am so sorry... I didn't actually go there.
CT: Foreigners (he rolls his eyes)! You need to get out and experience more of Japanese culture, you know. We had a civilization when you foreigners were still living in caves and trees.
HHNH: Yes... um... whatever... thank you for your time, Captain Taiho, I really appreciate it.
CT: Anytime, foreigner.
Monday, February 27, 2012
National Police Agency Takes on Organized Crime
In an earlier pixelation, I described how the yakuza, Japan's mafia, has been getting involved in the marriage racket. I attributed this unexpected development to the loss of income from traditional criminal activities, because of the weakening of the overall economy.
Since then, thanks to a concerned reader's response, I have learned that I was mislead. The reason the yakuza are doing so poorly these days is because of competition!
That's correct. There is a powerful organization out there which is trying to usurp the traditional role of the yakuza in Japanese society. That organization is the National Police Agency (NPA). The NPA has been encroaching on traditional sources of yakuza income such as pachinko (pinball gambling) while at the same time, working to keep their other sources of revenue under control. The poor yakuza members are pushed to the periphery, having to work in nuclear plant cleanup operations and other dangerous occupations.
I needed to find out what the plan was behind this move on the part of the NPA into the underworld, so I arranged an interview with Assistant Vice-Director of Vice Control Lieutenant Wairo.
Lt. Wairo: (sporting a short, curly hair-style and sunglasses) Come in and have a seat. What can I do for you?
Pterosaurish: Thank you. I would like to interview you about the NPA's involvement in traditional gang-related activities.
Lt. Wairo: Sure! (leaning back in his chair) What would you like to know.
P: Well.. what is the crime-fighting policy behind this?
Lt. Wairo: Well... as you know we have been cracking down on organized crime now for several hundred years! Our policy has been one of zero tolerance!
P: But what about the pachinko parlors and soapland or hostess-club prostitution that pretty much operate openly around the country?
Lt. Wairo: Oh that! Of course they function openly! If we suppressed them, they would only go underground and we wouldn't be able to see what was going on.
P: But I have read that the NPA's members are involved in receiving money from pachinko gambling and from other organized crime actitivities.
Lt. Wairo: Naturally! This is part of our new strategy, don't you see? In the old days we relied on simple suppression of gangland operations, but now we are doing things smarter! If WE can get the money from these illegal activities, that is less money that flows into the coffers of organized crime! Similarly, we try to get retired NPA officials into top positions in gambling and other similar organizations so that we can deprive organized criminals of this control! This enables us to really push them to the edges, to the fringe work in society like cleaning up the mess at the damaged nuclear power plants or hauling garbage and so on.
P: So in effect, the NPA has taken on the role of another big gang?
Lt. Wairo: Ha ha ha! Not only BIG! We are far and away the biggest! All of the OTHER criminal organizations... No, I mean... if you add all the members of criminal organizations in Japan together, it only comes to 102,400 members! We have 280,500 police officers all across the country! Each is ready to take on serious responsibilities in our efforts to displace organized crime in our society.
P: I see. So what is the NPA's final goal in dealing with organized crime?
Lt. Wairo: We understand that organized crime has a traditional role in Japanese society, and we don't want to change that. We would like the gangsters to stick to running the food booths at festivals and getting their elaborate tattoos, simple harmless operations, and leave the hard-core stuff to us.
P: And this will bring a more peaceful society?
Lt. Wairo: You understand perfectly. If we at the NPA run all of the so called criminal activities, many benefits will accrue to the nation. Taxes will be paid properly, NPA officials will have something to do after they retire, and the average citizen will know that they don't have to worry about dangerous gangsters anymore!
P: Thank you so much for you time today.
Lt. Wairo: Absolutely a pleasure! Here, let me give you this ad for the new soapland that opened up around the corner; no gangsters there at all!
P: Er... thank you, but I have to be getting back.
Lt. Wairo: No problem! Let me know if you have any other questions!
Since then, thanks to a concerned reader's response, I have learned that I was mislead. The reason the yakuza are doing so poorly these days is because of competition!
That's correct. There is a powerful organization out there which is trying to usurp the traditional role of the yakuza in Japanese society. That organization is the National Police Agency (NPA). The NPA has been encroaching on traditional sources of yakuza income such as pachinko (pinball gambling) while at the same time, working to keep their other sources of revenue under control. The poor yakuza members are pushed to the periphery, having to work in nuclear plant cleanup operations and other dangerous occupations.
I needed to find out what the plan was behind this move on the part of the NPA into the underworld, so I arranged an interview with Assistant Vice-Director of Vice Control Lieutenant Wairo.
Lt. Wairo: (sporting a short, curly hair-style and sunglasses) Come in and have a seat. What can I do for you?
Pterosaurish: Thank you. I would like to interview you about the NPA's involvement in traditional gang-related activities.
Lt. Wairo: Sure! (leaning back in his chair) What would you like to know.
P: Well.. what is the crime-fighting policy behind this?
Lt. Wairo: Well... as you know we have been cracking down on organized crime now for several hundred years! Our policy has been one of zero tolerance!
P: But what about the pachinko parlors and soapland or hostess-club prostitution that pretty much operate openly around the country?
Lt. Wairo: Oh that! Of course they function openly! If we suppressed them, they would only go underground and we wouldn't be able to see what was going on.
P: But I have read that the NPA's members are involved in receiving money from pachinko gambling and from other organized crime actitivities.
Lt. Wairo: Naturally! This is part of our new strategy, don't you see? In the old days we relied on simple suppression of gangland operations, but now we are doing things smarter! If WE can get the money from these illegal activities, that is less money that flows into the coffers of organized crime! Similarly, we try to get retired NPA officials into top positions in gambling and other similar organizations so that we can deprive organized criminals of this control! This enables us to really push them to the edges, to the fringe work in society like cleaning up the mess at the damaged nuclear power plants or hauling garbage and so on.
P: So in effect, the NPA has taken on the role of another big gang?
Lt. Wairo: Ha ha ha! Not only BIG! We are far and away the biggest! All of the OTHER criminal organizations... No, I mean... if you add all the members of criminal organizations in Japan together, it only comes to 102,400 members! We have 280,500 police officers all across the country! Each is ready to take on serious responsibilities in our efforts to displace organized crime in our society.
P: I see. So what is the NPA's final goal in dealing with organized crime?
Lt. Wairo: We understand that organized crime has a traditional role in Japanese society, and we don't want to change that. We would like the gangsters to stick to running the food booths at festivals and getting their elaborate tattoos, simple harmless operations, and leave the hard-core stuff to us.
P: And this will bring a more peaceful society?
Lt. Wairo: You understand perfectly. If we at the NPA run all of the so called criminal activities, many benefits will accrue to the nation. Taxes will be paid properly, NPA officials will have something to do after they retire, and the average citizen will know that they don't have to worry about dangerous gangsters anymore!
P: Thank you so much for you time today.
Lt. Wairo: Absolutely a pleasure! Here, let me give you this ad for the new soapland that opened up around the corner; no gangsters there at all!
P: Er... thank you, but I have to be getting back.
Lt. Wairo: No problem! Let me know if you have any other questions!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Ganging Up on Marriage
As I have pixelated here before, Japanese gangs are a unique phenomenon. The Japanese Police Agency designates certain groups as "gangs" thereby enabling them to "control" gang activity.
How does this work in actual practice?
Let's look at a typical police and gang-member confrontation.
Scenario 1:
Officer Majime: Hey! You! What are you doing over there assaulting that store owner?!
Gangster: He owes me protection money.
Officer Majime: Wait a minute here! Aren't you a member of a gang?
Gangster: Yeah. I am in the Aku-eikyō Group.
Officer Majime (consulting his list of designated gangs): Hmm... your gang is not on the designated list.
Gangster: Damn...
Office Majime: Carry on.
Contrast that with this scenario which turns out so very differently.
Scenario 2:
Office Majime: Hey! You! What are you doing over there assaulting that store owner?!
Gangster: He owes me protection money.
Officer Majime: Wait a minute here! Aren't you a member of a gang?
Gangster: Yeah. I am in the Sumiyoshi Organization.
Officer Majime (consulting his list of designated gangs): Hmm... your gang is here on the designated list, number 3. (looks at gangster with raised eyebrows)
Gangster: Damn...
Office Majime: Carry on.
Like the rest of the nation, however, gangs have fallen on hard times. With natural disasters and the rising yen, the economy is struggling to keep its head above water, and as a result, popular sources of gang income have slumped. Your average salary man can't afford the weekly visit to the local "soapland" for his "massage", and the truckers, hard pressed to find stuff to truck, don't need the stimulants as much as they used to either.
What's a gang to do?
Sell marriage of course.
Boring Background Information
One problem that grips Japan today is the "oldest son problem". If you are the oldest son (or only son), especially if you live in a rural area, it is almost impossible to get married.
Why?
An oldest son is responsible for the care of his parents. What this means is that while the son goes off to his job everyday, his wife remains at home, having to take care of his aging parents (think diaper-changing and hand feeding... that's what SHE is thinking).
Inexplicably, young women would rather do anything: marry a second or third son, marry (gasp) a foreigner, even not get married at all, or emigrate to Zimbabwe than marry the oldest son.
Poor oldest son.
This is where the gangs come in. They have jumped into the new business called "Konkatsu" or "Marriage Hunting". But, typically, they provide a special twist. Not only will they find you a bride, but they will actually hook you up with someone really special!
Scenario 3:
Kimyō Dasai (oldest son): So... if... if I pay the enrollment fee of 100,000 yen (about $1250), you will hel... help me find a wife?
Gangster: Oh, yes! Not only that, you get to choose! See these pictures" (shows album of cute, young women). Which one would you like?
Dasai: (wiping the drool) Y...you... you mean, I get to choose one of THOSE?! (his pupils dilate seriously)... oh my....
Gangster: Sure! You can pick the one you think would be best for you. (pointing to one of them) Isn't that the sexiest woman you have seen in your WHOLE LIFE?!
But before we get too involved here, let me explain how it works.
You pay an enrollment fee to gain access to our bank of potential partners. Then, depending on which one and how many you wish to meet, you pay separate meeting fees.
Dasai: How much would it cost, for example, if I wanted to meet her (points to one of the cuties).
Gangster: Well... let's see... (pulls out a calculator). There is the initial enrollment fee of 100,000 yen. Then the meeting fee. For her it would be an additional 100,000 yen... she's one of the cutest; if you wanted to meet someone more your age, the price would be much less... heh heh heh.
Dasai: No ... I want to meet her.
Gangster: OK then, so the transportation fee would be 50,000 yen and naturally my handling fees and service charges, another 50,000 yen. Sales tax is an unavoidable 5%, so that tacks on 15,000 yen. So to meet up with her and potentially have her as your bride (nudge nudge), you only need to pay a total of 315,000 yen!
Dasai: That's not so bad if she'll marry me. You say that it's almost guaranteed that she will?
Gangster: Just leave it to us! I am sure that when she sees you, she will fall madly in love and want to move in with you out here in the boonies... er... romantic countryside!
Maybe you could comb some side hair over that bald spot on top? And do you HAVE to wear rubber boots?
Scenario 4:
(later)
Gangster: So, how did the date go, Mr. Dasai?
Dasai: She... she didn't seem to like me at all. Sh... she kept looking at her watch and drank her ice... her iced tea in about two minutes.
Gangster: Nonsense! She is just being coy!
Dasai: She went to the toe... the toi.. the restroom three times and spent a long time in there.
Gangster: She probably wanted to fix her makeup to look good for you!
Dasai: And at the table she kept texting on her cell... her cellphone....
Gangster: Don't be silly. I am sure she was just checking her horoscope or something on her phone, wondering if she was compatible with you or not!
Dasai: ... I don't think she even... even looked at me one time!
Gangster: She was just being shy! You need to meet her again. "Show her the town" a bit. Step out! Do something exciting! She's young and wants some fun in her life! Think back to when you were young; what sorts of fun things did you do?
Dasai: We had to har... harvest the rice. Do you think she would like that? It can get pretty exciting...when the girls are all b... ben... bending over like that... (loses eye focus, remembering)
Gangster: No! No ... forget the rice harvesting! How about taking her to a nice restaurant?
Dasai: We don't have any nice restaurants here, but I sup... suppose I could take her to Auntie Spew's Diner down the road there.... she will love the pick... the pickled squid.
Gangster: That would be perfect. So all you need to do is pay another meeting fee, and I will set everything up for you.
Dasai: Another fee?
Gangster: She was awfully cute, wasn't she? You think you can find someone that cute around here?
Dasai: OK, OK... here...
Gangster: Do something about that hair, OK?
And so the gangsters clean up again in their new business!
How does this work in actual practice?
Let's look at a typical police and gang-member confrontation.
Scenario 1:
Officer Majime: Hey! You! What are you doing over there assaulting that store owner?!
Gangster: He owes me protection money.
Officer Majime: Wait a minute here! Aren't you a member of a gang?
Gangster: Yeah. I am in the Aku-eikyō Group.
Officer Majime (consulting his list of designated gangs): Hmm... your gang is not on the designated list.
Gangster: Damn...
Office Majime: Carry on.
Contrast that with this scenario which turns out so very differently.
Scenario 2:
Office Majime: Hey! You! What are you doing over there assaulting that store owner?!
Gangster: He owes me protection money.
Officer Majime: Wait a minute here! Aren't you a member of a gang?
Gangster: Yeah. I am in the Sumiyoshi Organization.
Officer Majime (consulting his list of designated gangs): Hmm... your gang is here on the designated list, number 3. (looks at gangster with raised eyebrows)
Gangster: Damn...
Office Majime: Carry on.
Like the rest of the nation, however, gangs have fallen on hard times. With natural disasters and the rising yen, the economy is struggling to keep its head above water, and as a result, popular sources of gang income have slumped. Your average salary man can't afford the weekly visit to the local "soapland" for his "massage", and the truckers, hard pressed to find stuff to truck, don't need the stimulants as much as they used to either.
What's a gang to do?
Sell marriage of course.
Boring Background Information
One problem that grips Japan today is the "oldest son problem". If you are the oldest son (or only son), especially if you live in a rural area, it is almost impossible to get married.
Why?
An oldest son is responsible for the care of his parents. What this means is that while the son goes off to his job everyday, his wife remains at home, having to take care of his aging parents (think diaper-changing and hand feeding... that's what SHE is thinking).
Inexplicably, young women would rather do anything: marry a second or third son, marry (gasp) a foreigner, even not get married at all, or emigrate to Zimbabwe than marry the oldest son.
Poor oldest son.
This is where the gangs come in. They have jumped into the new business called "Konkatsu" or "Marriage Hunting". But, typically, they provide a special twist. Not only will they find you a bride, but they will actually hook you up with someone really special!
Scenario 3:
Kimyō Dasai (oldest son): So... if... if I pay the enrollment fee of 100,000 yen (about $1250), you will hel... help me find a wife?
Gangster: Oh, yes! Not only that, you get to choose! See these pictures" (shows album of cute, young women). Which one would you like?
Dasai: (wiping the drool) Y...you... you mean, I get to choose one of THOSE?! (his pupils dilate seriously)... oh my....
Gangster: Sure! You can pick the one you think would be best for you. (pointing to one of them) Isn't that the sexiest woman you have seen in your WHOLE LIFE?!
But before we get too involved here, let me explain how it works.
You pay an enrollment fee to gain access to our bank of potential partners. Then, depending on which one and how many you wish to meet, you pay separate meeting fees.
Dasai: How much would it cost, for example, if I wanted to meet her (points to one of the cuties).
Gangster: Well... let's see... (pulls out a calculator). There is the initial enrollment fee of 100,000 yen. Then the meeting fee. For her it would be an additional 100,000 yen... she's one of the cutest; if you wanted to meet someone more your age, the price would be much less... heh heh heh.
Dasai: No ... I want to meet her.
Gangster: OK then, so the transportation fee would be 50,000 yen and naturally my handling fees and service charges, another 50,000 yen. Sales tax is an unavoidable 5%, so that tacks on 15,000 yen. So to meet up with her and potentially have her as your bride (nudge nudge), you only need to pay a total of 315,000 yen!
Dasai: That's not so bad if she'll marry me. You say that it's almost guaranteed that she will?
Gangster: Just leave it to us! I am sure that when she sees you, she will fall madly in love and want to move in with you out here in the boonies... er... romantic countryside!
Maybe you could comb some side hair over that bald spot on top? And do you HAVE to wear rubber boots?
Scenario 4:
(later)
Gangster: So, how did the date go, Mr. Dasai?
Dasai: She... she didn't seem to like me at all. Sh... she kept looking at her watch and drank her ice... her iced tea in about two minutes.
Gangster: Nonsense! She is just being coy!
Dasai: She went to the toe... the toi.. the restroom three times and spent a long time in there.
Gangster: She probably wanted to fix her makeup to look good for you!
Dasai: And at the table she kept texting on her cell... her cellphone....
Gangster: Don't be silly. I am sure she was just checking her horoscope or something on her phone, wondering if she was compatible with you or not!
Dasai: ... I don't think she even... even looked at me one time!
Gangster: She was just being shy! You need to meet her again. "Show her the town" a bit. Step out! Do something exciting! She's young and wants some fun in her life! Think back to when you were young; what sorts of fun things did you do?
Dasai: We had to har... harvest the rice. Do you think she would like that? It can get pretty exciting...when the girls are all b... ben... bending over like that... (loses eye focus, remembering)
Gangster: No! No ... forget the rice harvesting! How about taking her to a nice restaurant?
Dasai: We don't have any nice restaurants here, but I sup... suppose I could take her to Auntie Spew's Diner down the road there.... she will love the pick... the pickled squid.
Gangster: That would be perfect. So all you need to do is pay another meeting fee, and I will set everything up for you.
Dasai: Another fee?
Gangster: She was awfully cute, wasn't she? You think you can find someone that cute around here?
Dasai: OK, OK... here...
Gangster: Do something about that hair, OK?
And so the gangsters clean up again in their new business!
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Police Take Action
In an earlier post, I highlighted the Japanese National Police Agency and its expert handling of the motorcycle gang problem. Once again, the NPA is cracking down, this time on organized crime! As reported in the Yomiuri Newspaper, a new law has been proposed that would allow the National Police Agency to take the dramatic step of actually closing the offices of registered gangs!
No Hard-Hitting News Hound can sit idly by when the news takes a dramatic turn like this, so I just had to get out in the street, pound the pavement and talk directly to the people involved. I first needed to interview those most affected by this new law, the gang members themselves.
I managed to get an appointment with Mr. Chimpira "Punch" Furyo of the notorious Yamaguchi gang, a criminal organization registered as such with the National Police Agency.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today, Mr. Furyo; I really appreciate your taking the...
CF: Get on with it. I don't have all day.
HHNH: Um... so... the National Police Agency is passing a new law that will allow them to keep you out of your offices even if you are only suspected of being involved in a crime. How do you feel about this?
CF: It's a huge inconvenience! All of our documents and records of extortion and prostitution, not to mention the drug dealings and killings are in files and computers in our offices! We store our guns and stuff there too! We have signs on the front of the buildings, so everyone knows where we are and arranging meetings with politicians and so on is easier? What are we supposed to do? Meet in bars like this? (he waved his hand around the room) You just can't do business out of a bar! It's ridiculous! (spittle formed in the corners of his mouth)
HHNH: Yes... yes, I can see how that would be a problem. Do you think it will interfere significantly with your business?
CF: Of course it will! I just don't understand how the new government, faced with an economic crisis of unprecedented proportion, can crack down like this on small business! It's unfair and will only prolong the recovery process! (the blood veins on his neck suggested an aneurysm)
HHNH: How have you been involved in the recovery after the earthquake and tsunami?
CF: We helped the victims after the 1995 Kobe earthquake when the government was slow to respond, and we are also helping in the wake of the recent disaster in the northeastern part of the country. Not being able to get into our offices because the police have silly suspicions is just too much to bear!
Listen, I need to think about moving our documents and computers to the brothel I operate in Nagoya!
This interview is over.
HHNH: Thank you very much for agreeing to be interviewed today.
CF: Show him out, boys!
After I left the mobster's bar, I realized that a Hard Hitting News Hound cannot settle for one side of the story. To be fair, I needed to interview the police as well. Fortunately, I was able to contact Captain Kanarazu Taiho at NPA headquarters in Tokyo.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Captain Taiho.
CT: It's my pleasure. We here at the National Police Agency welcome the interest of the press in our efforts to control crime in this country. Did you know that we solve over 85% of the crimes committed in Japan? (he leans forward and looks at me with his eyebrows raised)
HHNH: That's truly amazing....
CT: Where are you from? Your alien registration is in order, is it?
HHNH: Oh... yes! Definitely in order...
Er... I read recently that the NPA is promoting a new law that would allow it to close the offices of gangs which were suspected of being involved in a crime. Can you elaborate on this new approach?
CT: Absolutely! You see, the criminal gangs do everything in secret, so it is often hard to pin a specific crime on them. By having this new law, we will be able to cause them serious irritation if we suspect them of being involved in something illegal.
HHNH: But they are officially registered with the NPA as criminal gangs, aren't they? Wouldn't this allow you to close their offices at any time?
CT: (throwing back his head and laughing uproariously) Yes!! You understand perfectly! This new law will allow us to simply close their offices any time we want to, forcing them to conduct their business elsewhere.
HHNH: So instead of having them carry out their dealings in a place that you know about, you will force them to move to a secret location to operate?
CT: (leaning forward and looking at me with slitted eyes) Well... if you put it THAT way, it sounds bad, but think about all their documents and computers and so on. They can't easily move them to some warehouse or bar! No... this will be an effective way to disrupt their operations and really get on their nerves.
HHNH: Why don't you actually go into their offices and examine their documents and computers and then maybe arrest some of them?
CT: Are you mad? Foreigners! (he rolls his eyes) We can't do that! What would become of the donations and help they provide in disaster relief? You know our government is strapped for funds; why... we are ranked at the very top in public debt ahead of countries like Zimbabwe and Greece! We need all the help we can get.
HHNH: I see. Well, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview today.
CT: You are most welcome. I am sure you will print a responsible article about our efforts to control gang-related crime.
HHNH: I will do my best.
No Hard-Hitting News Hound can sit idly by when the news takes a dramatic turn like this, so I just had to get out in the street, pound the pavement and talk directly to the people involved. I first needed to interview those most affected by this new law, the gang members themselves.
I managed to get an appointment with Mr. Chimpira "Punch" Furyo of the notorious Yamaguchi gang, a criminal organization registered as such with the National Police Agency.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today, Mr. Furyo; I really appreciate your taking the...
CF: Get on with it. I don't have all day.
HHNH: Um... so... the National Police Agency is passing a new law that will allow them to keep you out of your offices even if you are only suspected of being involved in a crime. How do you feel about this?
CF: It's a huge inconvenience! All of our documents and records of extortion and prostitution, not to mention the drug dealings and killings are in files and computers in our offices! We store our guns and stuff there too! We have signs on the front of the buildings, so everyone knows where we are and arranging meetings with politicians and so on is easier? What are we supposed to do? Meet in bars like this? (he waved his hand around the room) You just can't do business out of a bar! It's ridiculous! (spittle formed in the corners of his mouth)
HHNH: Yes... yes, I can see how that would be a problem. Do you think it will interfere significantly with your business?
CF: Of course it will! I just don't understand how the new government, faced with an economic crisis of unprecedented proportion, can crack down like this on small business! It's unfair and will only prolong the recovery process! (the blood veins on his neck suggested an aneurysm)
HHNH: How have you been involved in the recovery after the earthquake and tsunami?
CF: We helped the victims after the 1995 Kobe earthquake when the government was slow to respond, and we are also helping in the wake of the recent disaster in the northeastern part of the country. Not being able to get into our offices because the police have silly suspicions is just too much to bear!
Listen, I need to think about moving our documents and computers to the brothel I operate in Nagoya!
This interview is over.
HHNH: Thank you very much for agreeing to be interviewed today.
CF: Show him out, boys!
After I left the mobster's bar, I realized that a Hard Hitting News Hound cannot settle for one side of the story. To be fair, I needed to interview the police as well. Fortunately, I was able to contact Captain Kanarazu Taiho at NPA headquarters in Tokyo.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Captain Taiho.
CT: It's my pleasure. We here at the National Police Agency welcome the interest of the press in our efforts to control crime in this country. Did you know that we solve over 85% of the crimes committed in Japan? (he leans forward and looks at me with his eyebrows raised)
HHNH: That's truly amazing....
CT: Where are you from? Your alien registration is in order, is it?
HHNH: Oh... yes! Definitely in order...
Er... I read recently that the NPA is promoting a new law that would allow it to close the offices of gangs which were suspected of being involved in a crime. Can you elaborate on this new approach?
CT: Absolutely! You see, the criminal gangs do everything in secret, so it is often hard to pin a specific crime on them. By having this new law, we will be able to cause them serious irritation if we suspect them of being involved in something illegal.
HHNH: But they are officially registered with the NPA as criminal gangs, aren't they? Wouldn't this allow you to close their offices at any time?
CT: (throwing back his head and laughing uproariously) Yes!! You understand perfectly! This new law will allow us to simply close their offices any time we want to, forcing them to conduct their business elsewhere.
HHNH: So instead of having them carry out their dealings in a place that you know about, you will force them to move to a secret location to operate?
CT: (leaning forward and looking at me with slitted eyes) Well... if you put it THAT way, it sounds bad, but think about all their documents and computers and so on. They can't easily move them to some warehouse or bar! No... this will be an effective way to disrupt their operations and really get on their nerves.
HHNH: Why don't you actually go into their offices and examine their documents and computers and then maybe arrest some of them?
CT: Are you mad? Foreigners! (he rolls his eyes) We can't do that! What would become of the donations and help they provide in disaster relief? You know our government is strapped for funds; why... we are ranked at the very top in public debt ahead of countries like Zimbabwe and Greece! We need all the help we can get.
HHNH: I see. Well, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview today.
CT: You are most welcome. I am sure you will print a responsible article about our efforts to control gang-related crime.
HHNH: I will do my best.
Monday, February 21, 2011
The Police Count Their Blessings
The National Police Agency has just released its latest data on the number of motorcycle gang members in Japan. We should all be relieved to hear that the number has fallen below 10,000 for the first time since the NPA started collecting data in 1975. The new low is 9,064 members!
So you can imagine how a Hard Hitting News Hound like me would take that. I needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic change in the number of motorcycle gang members.
There just happens to be a place near here where motorcycle gang members race around a large parking lot. They buzz and up and down local streets on their unmuffled motorcycles and make the whole neighborhood's property values go down. So I went out just the other night to find out what the police were doing to cause this dramatic decline in gang membership. As I arrived at the parking lot, the gang members were racing around in small circles, revving their engines and screeching tire tracks all over the pavement. Other people in the parking lot were clearly intimidated and as cars pulled away, the gang members would weave around them threateningly.
I saw two police officers standing between two orange traffic cones in the corner of the parking lot, so I ambled over (trying to make myself inconspicuous to the motorcycle gangs) and talked with them.
HHNH (Hard Hitting News Hound): Good evening officers.
Officer Senpai: Good evening. Could you stand behind the yellow line please? You are very large and I can't see over you.
HHNH: (noticing the yellow line of tape between the two cones on the pavement for the first time) Oh! Of course, sorry... um... what exactly are you doing, may I ask?
Office Senpai: We are counting the gang members. Officer Yarisugi! Did you get those three? Three of them riding with no helmets on that one bike. Do you see them?
Officer Yarisugi: (clicking his people-counter furiously) Yes, Officer Senpai, I got them!
Officer Senpai: How about that one over there, racing his bike around that elderly couple coming out of the store?
Officer Yarisugi: You mean the one with the orange hair, drinking beer and the girl riding backwards on his bike?
Officer Senpai: No, the other guy over there, riding no hands and doing wheelies.
Officer Yarisugi: Oh! I missed him! Thanks!
HHNH: Um... they seem a little dangerous. Shouldn't you be arresting them for traffic and other violations?
Officer Senpai: Of course not! (he looks at me like I am insane) We need to get a sense of the problem first. Did you know that there are 9,064 motorcycle gang members in the country today? What if there were 9,067 or 9,062?! Arresting them would be out of the question. We wouldn't know things like how many beds to make up or box lunches to buy when they are being held before trial. It's important to find out just how many there are first, and THEN we can consider measures to solve the problems they present.
Officer Yarisugi! Did you see those two? The woman is sitting backwards on the bike and holding the whiskey bottle?
Officer Yarisugi: Over there? Yes, I got them. (he continued clicking)
HHNH: But... look at how they are disturbing the peace and harassing those poor elderly people. Look! They snatched the old woman's purse!
Officer Senpai: You just don't understand, do you!
Foreigners!
Like I said, we need to know how many of them there are in each and every district. This is around the WHOLE country, you know! Of course – as you can see (waving his hand in the direction of several bikes, racing each other in a tight circle around a family car) – they are mobile. Do you realize how HARD that makes it for US?! We spend HOURS each day going out and COUNTING, WRITING up reports, CALLING other districts in this prefecture, TABULATING the results and POSTING them to National Police Headquarters. (sighing) It's a lot of work!
Officer Yarisugi: (sighing heavily too) Officer Senpai? Do you see those three on the motorcycle over there? Is that the same three as before?
Office Senpai: No, none of the first three was wearing a helmet, but you can see that the woman riding on the very back has a helmet looped around her neck.
Officer Yarisugi: I will count them. (click, click, click)
HHNH: So when will you get around to cracking down on them?
Officer Senpai: As soon as we get a clear picture of their numbers. You think this is EASY?! We have been doing this without letup since 1975! I mean, this year there are 9,064 members, but since they drive dangerously and get into accidents, that number could be different even as early as tomorrow!
Officer Yarisugi: (click click)
Officer Senpai: Keeping track of them is a full-time responsibility (he squared his shoulders to assume the grave responsibility).
HHNH: So basically what you are saying is the reason the numbers have declined is because they kill themselves in accidents?
Officer Senpai: Absolutely! This could be a self-solving social problem.
HHNH: But what about the damage they do in the meantime and others who they involve in their accidents?
Officer Senpai: You laymen don't understand police work. As the numbers go down – and they ARE going down EVERY year! – the number of accidents and other problems they cause will also go down!
Officer Yarisugi: (click click click)
HHNH: I see... clearly I am not up on how these social ills progress. Do you think the fewer numbers might have something to do with the reduced numbers of young people in general?
Officer Senpai: What ARE you talking about?! It's due to diligent police work!
Officer Yarisugi: Oh DAMN!
Did you see that?!
Officer Senpai: What?!
That guy doing the wheelie ran at full speed into the retaining wall and flew 20 meters, impaling himself on that lamp post!
Now what do we do?!
Officer Senpai: I will make a note on my pad here to subtract one point from tonight's tally.
HHNH: Thank you for the information.
Officer Senpai: Glad to be of help. Please be careful when walking back to your car and don't forget to use your seatbelt. Safety is a number one priority!
Officer Yarisugi: (click click)
So you can imagine how a Hard Hitting News Hound like me would take that. I needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic change in the number of motorcycle gang members.
There just happens to be a place near here where motorcycle gang members race around a large parking lot. They buzz and up and down local streets on their unmuffled motorcycles and make the whole neighborhood's property values go down. So I went out just the other night to find out what the police were doing to cause this dramatic decline in gang membership. As I arrived at the parking lot, the gang members were racing around in small circles, revving their engines and screeching tire tracks all over the pavement. Other people in the parking lot were clearly intimidated and as cars pulled away, the gang members would weave around them threateningly.
I saw two police officers standing between two orange traffic cones in the corner of the parking lot, so I ambled over (trying to make myself inconspicuous to the motorcycle gangs) and talked with them.
HHNH (Hard Hitting News Hound): Good evening officers.
Officer Senpai: Good evening. Could you stand behind the yellow line please? You are very large and I can't see over you.
HHNH: (noticing the yellow line of tape between the two cones on the pavement for the first time) Oh! Of course, sorry... um... what exactly are you doing, may I ask?
Office Senpai: We are counting the gang members. Officer Yarisugi! Did you get those three? Three of them riding with no helmets on that one bike. Do you see them?
Officer Yarisugi: (clicking his people-counter furiously) Yes, Officer Senpai, I got them!
Officer Senpai: How about that one over there, racing his bike around that elderly couple coming out of the store?
Officer Yarisugi: You mean the one with the orange hair, drinking beer and the girl riding backwards on his bike?
Officer Senpai: No, the other guy over there, riding no hands and doing wheelies.
Officer Yarisugi: Oh! I missed him! Thanks!
HHNH: Um... they seem a little dangerous. Shouldn't you be arresting them for traffic and other violations?
Officer Senpai: Of course not! (he looks at me like I am insane) We need to get a sense of the problem first. Did you know that there are 9,064 motorcycle gang members in the country today? What if there were 9,067 or 9,062?! Arresting them would be out of the question. We wouldn't know things like how many beds to make up or box lunches to buy when they are being held before trial. It's important to find out just how many there are first, and THEN we can consider measures to solve the problems they present.
Officer Yarisugi! Did you see those two? The woman is sitting backwards on the bike and holding the whiskey bottle?
Officer Yarisugi: Over there? Yes, I got them. (he continued clicking)
HHNH: But... look at how they are disturbing the peace and harassing those poor elderly people. Look! They snatched the old woman's purse!
Officer Senpai: You just don't understand, do you!
Foreigners!
Like I said, we need to know how many of them there are in each and every district. This is around the WHOLE country, you know! Of course – as you can see (waving his hand in the direction of several bikes, racing each other in a tight circle around a family car) – they are mobile. Do you realize how HARD that makes it for US?! We spend HOURS each day going out and COUNTING, WRITING up reports, CALLING other districts in this prefecture, TABULATING the results and POSTING them to National Police Headquarters. (sighing) It's a lot of work!
Officer Yarisugi: (sighing heavily too) Officer Senpai? Do you see those three on the motorcycle over there? Is that the same three as before?
Office Senpai: No, none of the first three was wearing a helmet, but you can see that the woman riding on the very back has a helmet looped around her neck.
Officer Yarisugi: I will count them. (click, click, click)
HHNH: So when will you get around to cracking down on them?
Officer Senpai: As soon as we get a clear picture of their numbers. You think this is EASY?! We have been doing this without letup since 1975! I mean, this year there are 9,064 members, but since they drive dangerously and get into accidents, that number could be different even as early as tomorrow!
Officer Yarisugi: (click click)
Officer Senpai: Keeping track of them is a full-time responsibility (he squared his shoulders to assume the grave responsibility).
HHNH: So basically what you are saying is the reason the numbers have declined is because they kill themselves in accidents?
Officer Senpai: Absolutely! This could be a self-solving social problem.
HHNH: But what about the damage they do in the meantime and others who they involve in their accidents?
Officer Senpai: You laymen don't understand police work. As the numbers go down – and they ARE going down EVERY year! – the number of accidents and other problems they cause will also go down!
Officer Yarisugi: (click click click)
HHNH: I see... clearly I am not up on how these social ills progress. Do you think the fewer numbers might have something to do with the reduced numbers of young people in general?
Officer Senpai: What ARE you talking about?! It's due to diligent police work!
Officer Yarisugi: Oh DAMN!
Did you see that?!
Officer Senpai: What?!
That guy doing the wheelie ran at full speed into the retaining wall and flew 20 meters, impaling himself on that lamp post!
Now what do we do?!
Officer Senpai: I will make a note on my pad here to subtract one point from tonight's tally.
HHNH: Thank you for the information.
Officer Senpai: Glad to be of help. Please be careful when walking back to your car and don't forget to use your seatbelt. Safety is a number one priority!
Officer Yarisugi: (click click)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Sumo Scandal
The sumo wrestling world is in turmoil. Wrestlers have been caught placing bets on baseball games with "gangsters" and already one high-ranked wrestler has been fired, and a dozen others suspended from the on-going tournament in Nagoya. NHK, the national broadcasting service, has decided to "punish" the sumo association by withdrawing live coverage of the tournament and instead offers only a digest after the day's bouts are finished. The coveted Emperor's Cup will not be awarded to the winner of the tournament either - a move designed to further punish this ancient Japanese sport.
On the news yesterday (July 13), it was revealed that sumo wrestlers' contacts with criminal organizations had been established by the discovery - in a police raid - of a name card from a "known criminal".
Which got me to wondering. What kind of name card would a member of a criminal gang carry?
Criminal organizations in Japan are designated as such by the national government, so clearly whether one's gang was a "designated" gang would be important information to have on one's name card. The name of your criminal organization would also be essential; one would not want to be confused with some other gang's members. The address of your main office would be a must, of course! What would be the point of passing out name cards if they didn't provide information about how to get in touch with you.
With all this in mind, I have recreated (in English) what the name card must look like, the pterosaurish scoop of the day!
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