Getting Creative – One Martini at a Time

You think it's easy to write this stuff every week – trying not to be distracted and making up something funny?
It's not.
I rack my brain, thumb through the papers and magazines, and click my way around the internet to come up with ideas, but sometimes I just draw a blank. There is nothing funny going on!
When that happens, I often fall back on the convenience of a rant, make fun of conservatives in the US or bogus religious ideas, but – let's face it – that stuff is lame and facile. You can be almost legally brain dead and still take on Republicans effectively these days.
Like all this stuff about Romney's wife not working a day in her life... but wait... I wasn't going to get into that today.
What I need is a muse, some source of inspiration for writing. A writing fairy would be just perfect. Those are in short supply, however, so I cast about for something more readily available. How about alcohol?
I wondered about the creative effects of liquor on the writing process and, lo and behold, very quickly discovered that the use of alcohol to loosen the fingers if not the tongue is a well-honored tradition. If it was good enough for the likes of Edgar Allan Poe and Ernest Hemingway, might not I follow in their cups with good results as well?
Not so fast!
As any scientist will tell you, correlation does not equal causation. The fact that many ignorant people watch Fox news does not mean necessarily that it is Fox News that makes them that way. Right? Right?
These famous writers, however, lived before there was a lot of research into the effects of alcohol on creativity and intelligence.
(But just in case, as I write this, I am imbibing a dry Spanish Cava Brut Rosé by CU4TRO (light, strawberry fruit with tart hints of rhubarb and citron, fine mist of bubbles, but a surprising sweetness in the finish with a kiss of sea air.)
Clearly, before I could really start throwing back the moonshine, I needed to find out if I was heading down the path to destruction or up the ladder to a world of inspired prose.
Hello internet.
What I found is that there IS a link between creativity and booze ... yes, yes... I should restrain myself... but even the Wall Street Journal, a pig-wallow of conservative blather (except in this case), reports that people can be more creative while indulging.
Is that cool or what? The Wall Street Journal? Whoa!
So, of course I don't trust them, and need to find a reliable source for information, right? So further investigation reveals that men are smarter under the influence than not!
(All you women out there can JUST SHUT UP!! We guys don't want to hear any eye-rolling about alcohol making us smarter.)
So... getting back to the topic, we can conclude that, in fact, alcohol consumption can not only make people more creative but that in the case of the male of the species, actually increase our intelligence.* (You will have noticed that among the top 15 alcoholic writers, there is only one woman.) There is evidence as well that tippling will particularly bring out the best in writers.
If so, then clearly the next step is to find out if all boozes are equal muses, so to speak (I have moved on to the "tradionnelle" sparkling wine of the same company: crisp and dry, redolent of chalky soil, light fruit with whispers of grapefruit and lime, fine bubbles, and delightful finish with a lingering lick of Toledo steel).
Unfortunately, it seems that famous writers were an eclectic lot. But we writer wannabes cannot afford to take chances, especially those at my age. Looking at the list below, we have three writers whose favorite drink was the gin martini, three who favored wine and two who favored whiskey (though there is some doubt about Edgar Allan Poe).

(in alphabetical order)
Truman Capote – double gin Martini (before lunch!)
William Faulkner – Mint Julep (bourbon)
F. Scott Fitzgerald – gin Martini
Ernest Hemingway – "Pour one jigger of absinthe into a champagne glass. Add iced champagne until it attains the proper opalescent milkiness. Drink three to five of these slowly," or also Mojito (rum)
Aldous Huxley – wine
James Joyce – wine
John Keats – wine
Jack Kerouac – Margarita (tequila)
Jack London – gin Martini
Carson McCullers (another woman!) – Long Island Iced Tea (covered all the bases with gin, vodka, tequila, rum and Cointreau in equal portions)
Edgar Allan Poe – whiskey (but buried with half a bottle of cognac)
Dylan Thomas – whiskey, beer

So in conclusion, my instinct to start with wine for this article was a good one, but perhaps next time I should switch to the gin Martini! Alternating between these two inspirational, literary fairies might finally put me over the top.... one way or the other.

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* It does not, however, make us more coordinated.

10 Weight-losing and Orgasmic Tips to Writing Advice-Essay Titles

One thing I have noticed, living in the USA is that everyone here is really into self-help. Magazine covers in the checkout line at the supermarket shout, "How to Get 20 lbs of Cellulite Off Your Butt In Ten Minutes!" and "10 Ways to Fit That Bikini by the 4th of July Weekend!" The internet too, is simply swimming with advice on how to make your life better. Check out how to pick up women on the airplane.
This one is even more pertinent in today's bad job market: how not to get fired. It's important to remember that the title is what counts. The content doesn't have to be incisive.
Tip number one for how not to get fired? Do your job.
Duh.
It's easy to write an advice essay; even you can do it at home in your spare time and make lots of money. But to get readers to pay attention, you need to have that eye-catcher!
So without further ado, let's look at how to create fantastic titles!
1. One key to a catchy column is to have a number. This makes it easy to follow and allows the reader to decide how much attention span is needed to read the whole thing. Round numbers are better, more approachable somehow.
"10 Ways to Eat All You Want and Not Look Like the Graf Zeppelin" is better than, say, "23 Ways to Find Out if You Have Irritable Bowel Syndrome".
2. Adding a celebrity's name to your title will also get attention. You have to tie the celebrity to your readers' realities though, so "Angelina's Brave Hints for Achieving Orgasm with Brad" will not have the broader appeal of "John Travolta's Struggle with Thigh Friction".
3. A surprising title is good too. You want to get people's attention. Stating the obvious in your title, no matter how round your numbers are, will not work in today's America. So "5 Steps to Getting Drunk" is not as good as "5 Ways to Get Drunk for Free".
4. People in the US are very concerned about their weight. The planet could be in mortal danger from an approaching asteroid, but Americans would still be buying magazines with articles entitled, "Get That Flat Abdomen by Next Summer". So it's a good idea to suggest a weight theme in your title: "How to Avoid Gangrene in an Economy Class Seat".
5. America is a "can do" nation, and nobody wants to hear that something is difficult, or even impossible. You need to make these things sound like a lark. Don't get too carried away with it, however. "How to Lose 150 lbs by Next Weekend" is simply over the top. Nobody will believe that such a thing is even remotely possible and will not read your article. A better title would be "New Weight Loss Miracle Will Get You Into that Bikini by Next Weekend". The magazines will literally fly off the shelves! "No Pain, No Gain" is a bad title for a popular article on exercising tips. Only the serious physical fitness buff wants to experience pain. Much better would be "Shed 10 lbs a Week in Only Two Minutes a Day". It's not necessary to reveal in the title that the 2 minutes a day are the only time you are allowed to eat.
6. Diets are hugely popular. There are new ones popping up literally every week, so you need to make yours sound unique and – most importantly – easy. Nobody wants to read "Lose Weight by Not Eating So Much You Fat Pig!" What they want is, "The Chocolate Cake Diet" or "The All You Can Eat Way to a Slimmer You".
7. Romance and relationships are right up there with dieting and weight loss in the advice articles. Again, being too obvious will limit your readership. "Why You Shouldn't Pick Your Feet on the First Date", for example, is too narrow and appeals only to a limited audience of really troubled people. It would be much better to expand your readership possibilities with "How Ugly, Fat Guys get the Gorgeous Women", or "How Losers Find Love". Your readers will feel superior right away but read your article just in case.
8. Making people worry about something that they didn't even know existed is also a good tactic. "How Your Large Intestine May be Holding You Back in Your Career", for example, would be a brilliant title for a self-help article. Causing suspicion is a correlative line to this theme: "What Your Doctor is Not Revealing to You about Your Ureter", or "Why Your Therapist Won't Tell You You're Hopeless".
9. Appealing to (if that is the proper expression) your readers' feelings of inadequacy or dread is a surefire way to be successful. For men: "Why You Will Always Fall Short in Bed" or for women: "Why Your Man will Stray". Sowing fear can be a successful approach as well, "How Your Shower can Cause Hemorrhagic Shock".
10. Finally, using the word "orgasm" will guarantee a large readership, "The Orgasmic Way to Cook Oatmeal", or "The Orgasmic Way to Weight Loss". The first would be a practical article for home keepers, while the second would have a broader appeal to millions of Americans.
So there you have it – 10 title writing tips to set you on your way to a great advice essay!