Many of us who live with cats end up admiring their nonchalance, their somewhat cynical, life-worn attitudes and their incomparable ability to sleep so much. After all, what IS it that they do that makes them so tired all the time? Work? Ha! They have staff to do that for them.
Try to get your cat to fetch the newspaper or your slippers or even to guard your house against intruders. Hey... never mind intruders, how about guarding your house against rodents!
Cat: "What's that, a mouse? I could go over there and catch it, but I am cozy here in this puddle of sun, and if I get up, the warm spot will move and won't be so toasty anymore, and also I will have to actually walk over there, and the mouse will probably run away by then, and it's in the opposite direction of my food bowl, so I will have gotten up for nothing... (yawn) zzzzz."
So this is a never-ending question: why are cats so lethargic and how is it that they can spend so much time sleeping?
Science – as always – provides some clues. Recent research indicates that sleep helps to clear the brain of toxins, particularly those which may be responsible for Alzheimer's and other dementia-related illnesses. It would be fun to think that small "cleaner cells" are moving through the brain while we slumber, cleaning up "plaque" like over-weight park attendants with leaf blowers, but in fact that is not what is happening.
Apparently the whole brain shrinks in on itself, allowing brain fluids to wash out all the bad wastes. It's like a tidal function with the "land" receding rather than the "ocean" advancing. The brain in this receded state is apparently unable to carry on normal brain functions, and this – researchers claim – is one reason we go to sleep.
So fundamentally, sleep is good for us, good for our brains, and it may stand in the way of our developing debilitating dementia. Therefore, it is important to get enough sleep. This may seem simple enough, but once again research points out that how much shut-eye you might need is very idiosyncratic and not only varies from person-to-person but also within the same person's life, depending on what s/he is doing.
People of old used to sleep twice in a night and even referred to it as "first sleep/second sleep". They would doze off in the evening and then wake up in the middle of the night and actually DO things like visit friends or go to church.
While your friends might not appreciate you cheerily popping in with a bottle of wine at 1 AM, clearly we do need to change our whole attitude towards sleeping.
Do you wake up in the middle of the night and find it hard to go back to sleep again? Not to worry! You should go ahead and get up. Do something, like bake cookies or wash the car. When you feel tired again, you should return to bed and go back to sleep.
Do you feel guilty about taking that nap in the afternoon? Don't! That nap is helping to wash your brain clear of dangerous toxins that may give you a debilitating memory disease. In fact, you should take more naps! Why not have one in the morning AND one in the afternoon. You could call your "first sleep" in the evening a nap too, and your "second sleep" later another nap. Actually, you could call them all "cat naps".
Did you ever see a cat with Alzheimer's?
I rest my case.
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Monday, October 21, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
Tips for Nervous Flyers
If there is anything funnier than the silly tips I write from time to time, it's the pointers offered in seriousness by other writers.
Consider these from the Huffington Post travel columnists. Based on the recommendations of a psychiatrist, they present 10 tips for nervous flyers. Why 10 instead of – say – five or six? 10 is a nice, round number, and while some of the items overlap, nice, round numbers work better.
So let's get on with it! How can we nervous nellies make our flying experience less stressful?
1. Prepare yourself mentally
Here the nervous flyers are advised to think about whether they have the willingness to suffer the fear of flying in a tradeoff for the gain of – say – visiting grandma in Poughkeepsie. If the answer is yes, then they need to prepare for the flight mentally. Perhaps they could steel themselves for the event by image training. Hours before the flight, they could mentally picture themselves being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube and hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. That would be a great way to reduce fear, no?
2. Prepare to be distracted
This advice does not mean that you should happily anticipate the witty comments of the Southwest Airlines flight attendants. It means that you need to bring enough stuff with you to distract yourself from your thoughts of being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube, hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. You should "listen to music" or "do puzzles". Let's see.... 3 DOWN: 6-letter verb used for when a bird gets sucked into a jet engine.
3. Breathe
No, this is not as "duh" as it seems. Of course you should breathe! The psychiatrist's advice means that you need to practice "soothing breathing". With this you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It is very calming. And after the person sitting next to you requests a different seat, you will have more room and won't be so hemmed in. It's a good idea to practice this "soothing breathing" at home first, since doing it for 13 hours on that flight from New York to Tokyo might cause hyperventilation and result in your passing out. Which, come to think of it, could be a plus for the panicky flyer!
4. Use an app to focus on breathing
No, I didn't make this one up to be silly. And yes, it really is a part of #3 above, but they needed 10 points, so it was given its own space. Of course you are not allowed to "use an app" during the scariest part of the flight, taking off and landing, but never mind about that.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, sir! All electronic devices must be turned off and stowed during take off!
You: But this is my breathing app!
Passenger next to you: Excuse me, miss? Can I move to another seat, please?
5. Remember that panic will pass
True. When they divert the flight to Denver because you have passed out from your hyperventilation, your panic will pass once you are on the ground. The other passengers who are missing their connecting flights to their important engagements, however, might have a different feeling.
6. Find out what you're afraid of
Let me see. I am a panicky flyer. What could I possibly be afraid of? Hmm... how about that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board? Nah.... THAT couldn't be it.
7. Focus on the positive
OK. I am POSITIVE that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board.
8. Learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Let me guess, does this approach start with me buying a book? Maybe I can use this to distract me as in #2 above. Uh, no... three books. This technique involves "tapping" on your "energy meridians" to harness the power of acupuncture in stress relief. While this – along with the breathing – might get the person sitting next to you to change seats, thus giving you more room, as Wikipedia tartly puts it EFT "has not garnered significant support in clinical psychology". (Makes you wonder about the psychiatrist giving the advice for this column.)
9. Know when it's time to seek professional help
Flight Attendant: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, is there a psychiatrist on board today's flight? If so, please indicate where you are sitting by pushing the call button above your seat?
10. Read a book
Let me guess, does this recommendation involve me buying the psychiatrist's book? Yep... but we don't want to include it in "being prepared to be distracted" above, do we. Giving it its own number will definitely benefit sales.
Columns like this make me want to start my own advice column. How hard could it be? Anyone out there need sage advice about something?
Consider these from the Huffington Post travel columnists. Based on the recommendations of a psychiatrist, they present 10 tips for nervous flyers. Why 10 instead of – say – five or six? 10 is a nice, round number, and while some of the items overlap, nice, round numbers work better.
So let's get on with it! How can we nervous nellies make our flying experience less stressful?
1. Prepare yourself mentally
Here the nervous flyers are advised to think about whether they have the willingness to suffer the fear of flying in a tradeoff for the gain of – say – visiting grandma in Poughkeepsie. If the answer is yes, then they need to prepare for the flight mentally. Perhaps they could steel themselves for the event by image training. Hours before the flight, they could mentally picture themselves being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube and hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. That would be a great way to reduce fear, no?
2. Prepare to be distracted
This advice does not mean that you should happily anticipate the witty comments of the Southwest Airlines flight attendants. It means that you need to bring enough stuff with you to distract yourself from your thoughts of being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube, hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. You should "listen to music" or "do puzzles". Let's see.... 3 DOWN: 6-letter verb used for when a bird gets sucked into a jet engine.
3. Breathe
No, this is not as "duh" as it seems. Of course you should breathe! The psychiatrist's advice means that you need to practice "soothing breathing". With this you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It is very calming. And after the person sitting next to you requests a different seat, you will have more room and won't be so hemmed in. It's a good idea to practice this "soothing breathing" at home first, since doing it for 13 hours on that flight from New York to Tokyo might cause hyperventilation and result in your passing out. Which, come to think of it, could be a plus for the panicky flyer!
4. Use an app to focus on breathing
No, I didn't make this one up to be silly. And yes, it really is a part of #3 above, but they needed 10 points, so it was given its own space. Of course you are not allowed to "use an app" during the scariest part of the flight, taking off and landing, but never mind about that.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, sir! All electronic devices must be turned off and stowed during take off!
You: But this is my breathing app!
Passenger next to you: Excuse me, miss? Can I move to another seat, please?
5. Remember that panic will pass
True. When they divert the flight to Denver because you have passed out from your hyperventilation, your panic will pass once you are on the ground. The other passengers who are missing their connecting flights to their important engagements, however, might have a different feeling.
6. Find out what you're afraid of
Let me see. I am a panicky flyer. What could I possibly be afraid of? Hmm... how about that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board? Nah.... THAT couldn't be it.
7. Focus on the positive
OK. I am POSITIVE that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board.
8. Learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Let me guess, does this approach start with me buying a book? Maybe I can use this to distract me as in #2 above. Uh, no... three books. This technique involves "tapping" on your "energy meridians" to harness the power of acupuncture in stress relief. While this – along with the breathing – might get the person sitting next to you to change seats, thus giving you more room, as Wikipedia tartly puts it EFT "has not garnered significant support in clinical psychology". (Makes you wonder about the psychiatrist giving the advice for this column.)
9. Know when it's time to seek professional help
Flight Attendant: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, is there a psychiatrist on board today's flight? If so, please indicate where you are sitting by pushing the call button above your seat?
10. Read a book
Let me guess, does this recommendation involve me buying the psychiatrist's book? Yep... but we don't want to include it in "being prepared to be distracted" above, do we. Giving it its own number will definitely benefit sales.
Columns like this make me want to start my own advice column. How hard could it be? Anyone out there need sage advice about something?
Monday, September 23, 2013
Checklist for Senility
I have written here on a number of occasions about issues that affect us seniors and how to make our "golden" years more meaningful. Important challenges such as how not to be dead stress us at every turn. But none plagues us more than the worry over losing our mental faculties. We have explored some of the techniques you can use to enhance your mental capabilities, but there always remains that nagging worry, "Am I losing it?"
Today I would once again like to address this topic of concern by laying out a diagnosis tool that you can use in the privacy of your own home to find out if your loved one is getting senile or not.
First of all, let's define our terms.
I find that there is nothing worse in self-help articles than when the author fails to define terms and leads the reader off into a wasteland of ill-conceived advice. I mean, when you are talking about intestinal bloating, wouldn't it be a good idea to know that standing near an open flame would not be a good idea? Hello?
Some authors are just irresponsible.
Anyway, the main definition we need to be concerned with here is for "mental faculties". The simplest way to think of this is to imagine your brain is like a university. As with most universities, it is divided up into different faculties. And like at university, each of these operates independent of each other, getting together periodically for usually boring but sometimes contentious meetings where Prof. F. goes on and on about his plans for the department that have already been dismissed as stupid and untenable ten years ago.
But I digress. And while I am digressing, did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
Getting that out of the way, we can now proceed to the test. Keep score on a piece of paper, so you can add up the results at the end of this article.
1. Does your loved one sometimes walk into a room and forget why he went there? 10 points
2. Is he over 60 and doing #1 above? 0 points
3. Is he under 60 and not drinking and doing #1 above? 10 points
4. Does he sometimes misplace items, putting the car keys into the cat bowls and the cat food into his pocket, for example? 10 points
5. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
6. Does he tell the same stories or jokes to the same people again and again. 10 points
7. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
8. Does he start a project and then get distracted half-way through and abandon it, causing it to fail? (I am thinking of something like baking a cake, not brain surgery.) 10 points
9. Oh! I almost forgot! Did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
10.
Today I would once again like to address this topic of concern by laying out a diagnosis tool that you can use in the privacy of your own home to find out if your loved one is getting senile or not.
First of all, let's define our terms.
I find that there is nothing worse in self-help articles than when the author fails to define terms and leads the reader off into a wasteland of ill-conceived advice. I mean, when you are talking about intestinal bloating, wouldn't it be a good idea to know that standing near an open flame would not be a good idea? Hello?
Some authors are just irresponsible.
Anyway, the main definition we need to be concerned with here is for "mental faculties". The simplest way to think of this is to imagine your brain is like a university. As with most universities, it is divided up into different faculties. And like at university, each of these operates independent of each other, getting together periodically for usually boring but sometimes contentious meetings where Prof. F. goes on and on about his plans for the department that have already been dismissed as stupid and untenable ten years ago.
But I digress. And while I am digressing, did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
Getting that out of the way, we can now proceed to the test. Keep score on a piece of paper, so you can add up the results at the end of this article.
1. Does your loved one sometimes walk into a room and forget why he went there? 10 points
2. Is he over 60 and doing #1 above? 0 points
3. Is he under 60 and not drinking and doing #1 above? 10 points
4. Does he sometimes misplace items, putting the car keys into the cat bowls and the cat food into his pocket, for example? 10 points
5. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
6. Does he tell the same stories or jokes to the same people again and again. 10 points
7. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
8. Does he start a project and then get distracted half-way through and abandon it, causing it to fail? (I am thinking of something like baking a cake, not brain surgery.) 10 points
9. Oh! I almost forgot! Did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
10.
Monday, July 22, 2013
How to Be a Better You
We all have bad habits.
Let's face it. And we often don't even know that we are doing them. Some bad habits might creep in under the radar. I certainly don't know what my bad habits are, do you?
Don't be snarky, I am asking you if you know what YOUR bad habits are.
Of course not.
It's part of the human experience that we are unaware of what our own bad habits might be and how they drive the people around us crazy, so that they want to beat us to death with the fireplace poker.
We have no fireplace pokers in our house.
On purpose.
The first step in dealing with this problem is identifying what horrid habits you have and how they are making those close to you start looking for the poker. I did some research about this (saving you the trouble, since I know you are busy and have a life etc. etc.) and found these pressing behaviors that drive others crazy. The list is long, so I have selected 3 of the prominent ones to provide advice about.
Popular Bad Habits (find the complete list here):
1. Picking your nose or some other body part.
This one is hard to be attentive to. Your hand just creeps up there and goes for that little thing in that one nostril and the next thing you know you have three fingers in there doing a boogerotomy.
Nobody likes to see this.
The psychiatric advice is to replace this repulsive activity with some other actions that are more socially admissible. If you are a dog, this is where you hump the couch leg rather than the leg of your mother-in-law who happens to come over for dinner. It's called "displacement" in the psychological world.
Since handcuffing your offending hand to the chair is impractical, you need to find another way to "displace" the disgusting pastime. This requires a conscious commitment to engaging the offending fingers in some other activity.
What other things could you ask your hand to do?
a) Straighten your tie. This requires you actually wear a tie, so it might not work for some people (like me), but for the average professional it might be a good solution.
b) Hold your chin thoughtfully. This can work for anyone, and makes you look pensive and intelligent. Don't go too far with this and do a "face palm" as that could convey the wrong message.
2. Passing gas
It's simply too facile to say you should stop eating beans or not swallow your food whole as a way of solving this problem. The gas just seems to want to squeak out on its on—usually during an important meeting with your boss or when you are trying to impress a date.
Unfortunately there is no "displacement" activity that your ... er... posterior can do to take the place of the unfortunate "fracking" going on down there, so other steps need to be considered.
a) Sit near someone older than you. This way when you release your fumes, others in the room will probably blame the "old fart" next to you. You can encourage this by side-glancing at him quickly and sort of edging your chair away slightly.
b) Comment on it, so that it is clear you didn't "deal it". Don't be too obvious with "fart comments" but say something general like "What IS that smell? Are they emptying the dumpsters or something out there?"
3. Taking forever to get to the point in a conversation
We all have met those with this unfortunate condition, people who blather on and on. He usually catches you with some "hook" of an opening line like "Oh, Fred! I wanted to say something about your vacation plans to Maui." And then he will talk about his trip to Oahu and how the towels in the hotel were really fluffy and nice and how they managed to "sneak" towels out for their snorkeling trip to Hanauma Bay where they got sunburned and his wife had to go to the hospital and get treated for it and then she had to stay in the room for the next couple of days, so he went out on his own and met this really cool "chick" and how they just "hit it off" and how they had lunch together in a really cute place right off Waikiki beach... blah, blah, blah." And meanwhile if they took an EEG of your brain at the moment, you would be a perfect candidate for organ donation.
The problem with this bad habit is that people who have it are congenitally incapable of KNOWING they have it. "Who me? What do you mean 'get to the point'? I was just giving Fred here some advice about his trip to Maui! Sheesh!"
So the only thing you can do is to develop strategies to deal with this sort of individual. Conventional tactics such as looking ostentatiously at your watch will not make the slightest impression, so you need to take drastic action.
a) Change the subject. Look intently at his face and say something like, "Hey, Ralph... I don't mean to interrupt, but have you had a doctor look at that unusual growth... that dark spot there on your cheek recently?" This is guaranteed to stop him dead in his tracks and give you the opportunity to escape.
b) Invoke "stand your ground" laws and shoot him in self-defense. Ha ha. Just kidding about this one, OK?
The list of bad habits is long, but the best professional advice is that you should not try to rectify more than one at a time. Try to outline your worst habits and start slowly to eliminate them and become a better you. Perhaps by the time you are on your deathbed, people will say "What a guy! He has absolutely no bad habits at all!" Of course being on your deathbed is a bad habit in itself, but maybe there are some tactics you can use to deal with that one too.
Let's face it. And we often don't even know that we are doing them. Some bad habits might creep in under the radar. I certainly don't know what my bad habits are, do you?
Don't be snarky, I am asking you if you know what YOUR bad habits are.
Of course not.
It's part of the human experience that we are unaware of what our own bad habits might be and how they drive the people around us crazy, so that they want to beat us to death with the fireplace poker.
We have no fireplace pokers in our house.
On purpose.
The first step in dealing with this problem is identifying what horrid habits you have and how they are making those close to you start looking for the poker. I did some research about this (saving you the trouble, since I know you are busy and have a life etc. etc.) and found these pressing behaviors that drive others crazy. The list is long, so I have selected 3 of the prominent ones to provide advice about.
Popular Bad Habits (find the complete list here):
1. Picking your nose or some other body part.
This one is hard to be attentive to. Your hand just creeps up there and goes for that little thing in that one nostril and the next thing you know you have three fingers in there doing a boogerotomy.
Nobody likes to see this.
The psychiatric advice is to replace this repulsive activity with some other actions that are more socially admissible. If you are a dog, this is where you hump the couch leg rather than the leg of your mother-in-law who happens to come over for dinner. It's called "displacement" in the psychological world.
Since handcuffing your offending hand to the chair is impractical, you need to find another way to "displace" the disgusting pastime. This requires a conscious commitment to engaging the offending fingers in some other activity.
What other things could you ask your hand to do?
a) Straighten your tie. This requires you actually wear a tie, so it might not work for some people (like me), but for the average professional it might be a good solution.
b) Hold your chin thoughtfully. This can work for anyone, and makes you look pensive and intelligent. Don't go too far with this and do a "face palm" as that could convey the wrong message.
2. Passing gas
It's simply too facile to say you should stop eating beans or not swallow your food whole as a way of solving this problem. The gas just seems to want to squeak out on its on—usually during an important meeting with your boss or when you are trying to impress a date.
Unfortunately there is no "displacement" activity that your ... er... posterior can do to take the place of the unfortunate "fracking" going on down there, so other steps need to be considered.
a) Sit near someone older than you. This way when you release your fumes, others in the room will probably blame the "old fart" next to you. You can encourage this by side-glancing at him quickly and sort of edging your chair away slightly.
b) Comment on it, so that it is clear you didn't "deal it". Don't be too obvious with "fart comments" but say something general like "What IS that smell? Are they emptying the dumpsters or something out there?"
3. Taking forever to get to the point in a conversation
We all have met those with this unfortunate condition, people who blather on and on. He usually catches you with some "hook" of an opening line like "Oh, Fred! I wanted to say something about your vacation plans to Maui." And then he will talk about his trip to Oahu and how the towels in the hotel were really fluffy and nice and how they managed to "sneak" towels out for their snorkeling trip to Hanauma Bay where they got sunburned and his wife had to go to the hospital and get treated for it and then she had to stay in the room for the next couple of days, so he went out on his own and met this really cool "chick" and how they just "hit it off" and how they had lunch together in a really cute place right off Waikiki beach... blah, blah, blah." And meanwhile if they took an EEG of your brain at the moment, you would be a perfect candidate for organ donation.
The problem with this bad habit is that people who have it are congenitally incapable of KNOWING they have it. "Who me? What do you mean 'get to the point'? I was just giving Fred here some advice about his trip to Maui! Sheesh!"
So the only thing you can do is to develop strategies to deal with this sort of individual. Conventional tactics such as looking ostentatiously at your watch will not make the slightest impression, so you need to take drastic action.
a) Change the subject. Look intently at his face and say something like, "Hey, Ralph... I don't mean to interrupt, but have you had a doctor look at that unusual growth... that dark spot there on your cheek recently?" This is guaranteed to stop him dead in his tracks and give you the opportunity to escape.
b) Invoke "stand your ground" laws and shoot him in self-defense. Ha ha. Just kidding about this one, OK?
The list of bad habits is long, but the best professional advice is that you should not try to rectify more than one at a time. Try to outline your worst habits and start slowly to eliminate them and become a better you. Perhaps by the time you are on your deathbed, people will say "What a guy! He has absolutely no bad habits at all!" Of course being on your deathbed is a bad habit in itself, but maybe there are some tactics you can use to deal with that one too.
Monday, June 17, 2013
When a Cat Goes Wrong
Hello everyone and welcome to our show: Your Pet, Your Life.
We all do what we can to make sure our pets are happy and healthy. We pay for their medical check-ups and vaccinations. We buy the best food. We entertain them with toys and exercise. But despite our very best efforts, sometimes the pet diverges from the straight and narrow, goes rogue and becomes a delinquent pet.
Today we will explore these issues of pet psychology with our guest, well-known cat psychologist, Dr. Gato Pussi.
Pterosaurish: Welcome to the program Dr. Pussi. We are all interested in hearing what you have to say about how owners can best prevent their pets from developing serious psychological disorders.
Dr. Pussi: Thank you so much. Frankly, a lot of a pet's psychological well-being depends on its owners.
Let's start today by picking up a typical example of what can go wrong in an owner-pet relationship and how the pet can be disturbed for life by the experience.
Here is a case that was recently reported to my clinic by one of my interns.
A female cat — we will call her "P" to protect her identity — has been living in her owners' house now for 12 years. Found languishing under a shrine where she had been discarded by her first owners, she was brought into her new place at still a very early age, perhaps several months old. Her life, therefore, began in trauma, but — dutifully — her owners undertook to overcome the dysfunction of her early months by welcoming her and providing the stability and security that they thought she needed.
There were already two female cats in the house, so introducing a third was clearly establishing an uncertain balance. Groups of three are notoriously unstable among humans, so this seemingly small defect in P's new environment might have planted the seeds for her formative pathology.
This was probably the initial mistake.
The first symptoms of her disorder appeared the very first evening of her arrival. She immediately decided that the other two cats were totally unnecessary to a happy and fulfilling cat-human relationship and did her best to pester and attack the other two pets, hoping to make them move out. Only the timely intervention by the oldest cat prevented P from asserting a problematic dominance in the household. These periodic "interventions" notwithstanding, P continued over the years to test the limits. When the oldest cat died, the second cat — totally lacking in any aggressive genes — was exposed to P's relentless persecution.
The evolution of P's chronic condition continued.
Several stray kittens, for example, were found beside the road and brought into the house temporarily by the owners as they looked for new homes for them. P demonstrated her unhappiness with these invasive competitors by trying to kill them. The owners, perhaps blinded by their years with P, did not see this development as a new turn for the worse in P's behavior.
And soon, to replace the oldest cat who had died, a new kitten (male) was brought into the household. P's refusal to accept any additional challenge to her position in the house caused her to try to kill the new cat at every turn. So aggressive was her behavior that the two of them had to be separated completely. Neither was allowed out of a closed room while the other had run of the house.
The newcomer, for his part, admittedly provoked P and can be blamed for some of the "acting out" that became more prominent in P's relationship with him and with the house itself which she clawed to ribbons in her frustration. But it goes without saying that the groundwork for a full-blown psychosis had already been well established.
Unfortunately, the new cat was run over after only three years in the household, but this enabled P to return to a seemingly more stable period of psychological equilibrium. Her protectiveness of her territory and constant vigilance in surveiling her domain, however, should have revealed the growing Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that lay just beneath the surface of an outwardly calm demeanor.
On one occasion, for example, a stray kitten traversed the owners' lot when P was outside. It wasn't long before P brought the kitten — now dead — back to the house and dropped it triumphantly at the door, much to the shock and dismay of the owners.
Clearly their being in denial about the course their cat was taking was not contributing to the pet's rehabilitation or recovery.
As the years passed, P continued to exhibit adjustment "issues" most of which the owners attributed – falsely — to the trauma of having been abandoned as a kitten under the shrine by her first owners. Refusing to see that their own behavior in not setting rules and requiring P to follow them and also introducing a rival into the house, provoking her already well-developed pathology, the owners have to accept a lot of the blame for the problem.
When P would act-out or manifest symptoms of her underlying disorder, the owners would — perhaps jokingly — suggest loudly that P be returned to the shrine where she was found. Of course P could hear these comments, and this only contributed to an even greater sense of insecurity and tendencies towards OCD.
Pterosaurish: So what you are saying is that the owners themselves contributed to the problems that P was suffering from?
Dr. Pussi: Yes, there is no question about it. Though they were well-meaning and did all the things owners are supposed to do in raising a cat, certain of their actions undermined their well-intended behavior and caused P to suffer this psychological condition.
Pterosaurish: So what did you recommend for treatment?
Dr. Pussi: I first prescribed a regimen of drug therapy, involving powdered catnip, but P proved to be resistant to this remedy, so I had to go to the next level and prescribe "matatabi", a relative of the kiwifruit plant, which has a psychotropic effect on a cat's nervous system.
Pterosaurish: And was this successful?
Dr. Pussi: Yes, I am happy to say that this has provided some relief from the more aggressive symptoms of her disorder, but I am also recommending behavioral modification and counseling for the owners as a part of a complete rehabilitation program.
Pterosaurish: Well... we hope for the best for this poor kitty. Thank you so much for being with us today, Dr. Pussi. We look forward to having you back again to discuss other pet-owner problems and how they can be resolved.
Dr. Pussi: Thank you for having me; it's been my pleasure.
We all do what we can to make sure our pets are happy and healthy. We pay for their medical check-ups and vaccinations. We buy the best food. We entertain them with toys and exercise. But despite our very best efforts, sometimes the pet diverges from the straight and narrow, goes rogue and becomes a delinquent pet.
Today we will explore these issues of pet psychology with our guest, well-known cat psychologist, Dr. Gato Pussi.
Pterosaurish: Welcome to the program Dr. Pussi. We are all interested in hearing what you have to say about how owners can best prevent their pets from developing serious psychological disorders.
Dr. Pussi: Thank you so much. Frankly, a lot of a pet's psychological well-being depends on its owners.
Let's start today by picking up a typical example of what can go wrong in an owner-pet relationship and how the pet can be disturbed for life by the experience.
Here is a case that was recently reported to my clinic by one of my interns.
A female cat — we will call her "P" to protect her identity — has been living in her owners' house now for 12 years. Found languishing under a shrine where she had been discarded by her first owners, she was brought into her new place at still a very early age, perhaps several months old. Her life, therefore, began in trauma, but — dutifully — her owners undertook to overcome the dysfunction of her early months by welcoming her and providing the stability and security that they thought she needed.
There were already two female cats in the house, so introducing a third was clearly establishing an uncertain balance. Groups of three are notoriously unstable among humans, so this seemingly small defect in P's new environment might have planted the seeds for her formative pathology.
This was probably the initial mistake.
The first symptoms of her disorder appeared the very first evening of her arrival. She immediately decided that the other two cats were totally unnecessary to a happy and fulfilling cat-human relationship and did her best to pester and attack the other two pets, hoping to make them move out. Only the timely intervention by the oldest cat prevented P from asserting a problematic dominance in the household. These periodic "interventions" notwithstanding, P continued over the years to test the limits. When the oldest cat died, the second cat — totally lacking in any aggressive genes — was exposed to P's relentless persecution.
The evolution of P's chronic condition continued.
 |
| P at rest |
And soon, to replace the oldest cat who had died, a new kitten (male) was brought into the household. P's refusal to accept any additional challenge to her position in the house caused her to try to kill the new cat at every turn. So aggressive was her behavior that the two of them had to be separated completely. Neither was allowed out of a closed room while the other had run of the house.
The newcomer, for his part, admittedly provoked P and can be blamed for some of the "acting out" that became more prominent in P's relationship with him and with the house itself which she clawed to ribbons in her frustration. But it goes without saying that the groundwork for a full-blown psychosis had already been well established.
Unfortunately, the new cat was run over after only three years in the household, but this enabled P to return to a seemingly more stable period of psychological equilibrium. Her protectiveness of her territory and constant vigilance in surveiling her domain, however, should have revealed the growing Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that lay just beneath the surface of an outwardly calm demeanor.
On one occasion, for example, a stray kitten traversed the owners' lot when P was outside. It wasn't long before P brought the kitten — now dead — back to the house and dropped it triumphantly at the door, much to the shock and dismay of the owners.
Clearly their being in denial about the course their cat was taking was not contributing to the pet's rehabilitation or recovery.
As the years passed, P continued to exhibit adjustment "issues" most of which the owners attributed – falsely — to the trauma of having been abandoned as a kitten under the shrine by her first owners. Refusing to see that their own behavior in not setting rules and requiring P to follow them and also introducing a rival into the house, provoking her already well-developed pathology, the owners have to accept a lot of the blame for the problem.
When P would act-out or manifest symptoms of her underlying disorder, the owners would — perhaps jokingly — suggest loudly that P be returned to the shrine where she was found. Of course P could hear these comments, and this only contributed to an even greater sense of insecurity and tendencies towards OCD.
Pterosaurish: So what you are saying is that the owners themselves contributed to the problems that P was suffering from?
Dr. Pussi: Yes, there is no question about it. Though they were well-meaning and did all the things owners are supposed to do in raising a cat, certain of their actions undermined their well-intended behavior and caused P to suffer this psychological condition.
Pterosaurish: So what did you recommend for treatment?
Dr. Pussi: I first prescribed a regimen of drug therapy, involving powdered catnip, but P proved to be resistant to this remedy, so I had to go to the next level and prescribe "matatabi", a relative of the kiwifruit plant, which has a psychotropic effect on a cat's nervous system.
Pterosaurish: And was this successful?
Dr. Pussi: Yes, I am happy to say that this has provided some relief from the more aggressive symptoms of her disorder, but I am also recommending behavioral modification and counseling for the owners as a part of a complete rehabilitation program.
Pterosaurish: Well... we hope for the best for this poor kitty. Thank you so much for being with us today, Dr. Pussi. We look forward to having you back again to discuss other pet-owner problems and how they can be resolved.
Dr. Pussi: Thank you for having me; it's been my pleasure.
Monday, June 10, 2013
妻源病 or WID
It was bound to happen.
No sooner does Japanese psychology come up with an explanation for some of the illnesses of women by blaming it on their husbands (see earlier post here), than a similar cause for the disabilities of men is found in their wives, Wife-Induced Disease.
One thing is different; however, in the case of women their spousal "allergies" affect them at any age, while men seem to fall prey to this disorder in middle age.
What are the symptoms?
One man reported a rapid heartbeat and "pains in the area of his temples" on his train ride home from work. Another claimed cold sweats and dizziness so bad he had to be saved from falling onto the train tracks from the platform. All this from merely imagining the "frosty expression" on his wife's face.
What is the cause of this disorder?
One company doctor suggests that a devotion to work is common among middle-aged men and this gives them a great deal of pride. When a wife does not appreciate this effort – perhaps wearying of cleaning up after his drunken returns from company carousing – he feels stress.
Another psychiatrist, Dr. Yonekura, who works at the improbably named "Joy Total Clinic" (sounds like a "massage parlor") which is staffed entirely by young female physicians (only in Japan) suggests that men go through a menopause-like experience in their middle years too. This can cause palpitations and vertigo. These symptoms combined with spending more time with their wives in their "empty nest" houses can cause stress and an exacerbation of the disorder, according to Dr. Yonekura.
How do you know if you are susceptible to this disorder?
Well... first of all you need to be a middle-aged man – between the ages of 40 and 50 is perfect.
Then have a look at this checklist (conveniently provided by the Taishu Weekly which first reported this medical condition) and see if you are vulnerable.
Interestingly, some of these items such as being a perfectionist and thinking one is helping as much as possible with the household chores are themselves causes for the women's ailment, HSD – Husband-Sourced Disease.
There are other suggestions as well, such as "trying to get along with your wife's parents better", but these seem like they would be more stressful to the middle-aged, Japanese salary man, so it's hard to recommend them here.
The divorce rate among middle-aged couples and those of retirement age has increased 300% from the early 1990s to the early 2000s. Moreover among those who have been married for 20 years (middle-aged couples, since Japanese marry late), the divorce rate has soared, in many cases because the wife is sick and tired of her husband spending so much time at work, and "being treated like a servant".
What can you – the middle-aged man – do if you are faced with these difficult symptoms? Divorce is not listed as one of the options for either of these conditions; far it be from me to suggest such draconian measures here. Instead, you should learn to develop a "playful mind". This is described in terms of finding some hobby (not having an affair) such as "playing with remotely controlled models"; in other words, entertain the notion of a second childhood.
The burgeoning divorce rate clearly shows that for many couples the cure for these two debilitating disorders has taken its own course, but you – the worried middle-aged guy – don't want to go the "nuclear route", so take my advice and have a second childhood! Go out and get that radio-controlled airplane you always wanted, or take up wind-surfing. Take to heart the common expression "boys and their toys"! When you clutter the house with your models and other toys, keeping a childlike absorption in your hobby, your wife will see you in a new light and the symptoms of your malady will disappear. Of course, your wife might too, but because you are in your second childhood, you might not notice — not until no dinner is served and the laundry piles up, at any rate.
No sooner does Japanese psychology come up with an explanation for some of the illnesses of women by blaming it on their husbands (see earlier post here), than a similar cause for the disabilities of men is found in their wives, Wife-Induced Disease.
One thing is different; however, in the case of women their spousal "allergies" affect them at any age, while men seem to fall prey to this disorder in middle age.
What are the symptoms?
One man reported a rapid heartbeat and "pains in the area of his temples" on his train ride home from work. Another claimed cold sweats and dizziness so bad he had to be saved from falling onto the train tracks from the platform. All this from merely imagining the "frosty expression" on his wife's face.
What is the cause of this disorder?
One company doctor suggests that a devotion to work is common among middle-aged men and this gives them a great deal of pride. When a wife does not appreciate this effort – perhaps wearying of cleaning up after his drunken returns from company carousing – he feels stress.
Another psychiatrist, Dr. Yonekura, who works at the improbably named "Joy Total Clinic" (sounds like a "massage parlor") which is staffed entirely by young female physicians (only in Japan) suggests that men go through a menopause-like experience in their middle years too. This can cause palpitations and vertigo. These symptoms combined with spending more time with their wives in their "empty nest" houses can cause stress and an exacerbation of the disorder, according to Dr. Yonekura.
How do you know if you are susceptible to this disorder?
Well... first of all you need to be a middle-aged man – between the ages of 40 and 50 is perfect.
Then have a look at this checklist (conveniently provided by the Taishu Weekly which first reported this medical condition) and see if you are vulnerable.
- I’m something of a perfectionist
- I have trouble falling asleep
- I suffer from unexplained episodes of sweating, vertigo or palpitations
- I help as much as possible with household chores
- Our children are financially independent and married
- I’m often at home since I have already retired
- I exhibit more fatigue than does my wife
- We never engage in marital spats
- As a married couple we seem to understand each other without the need to speak
- My wife suffers from menopause-related problems
Interestingly, some of these items such as being a perfectionist and thinking one is helping as much as possible with the household chores are themselves causes for the women's ailment, HSD – Husband-Sourced Disease.
There are other suggestions as well, such as "trying to get along with your wife's parents better", but these seem like they would be more stressful to the middle-aged, Japanese salary man, so it's hard to recommend them here.
The divorce rate among middle-aged couples and those of retirement age has increased 300% from the early 1990s to the early 2000s. Moreover among those who have been married for 20 years (middle-aged couples, since Japanese marry late), the divorce rate has soared, in many cases because the wife is sick and tired of her husband spending so much time at work, and "being treated like a servant".
What can you – the middle-aged man – do if you are faced with these difficult symptoms? Divorce is not listed as one of the options for either of these conditions; far it be from me to suggest such draconian measures here. Instead, you should learn to develop a "playful mind". This is described in terms of finding some hobby (not having an affair) such as "playing with remotely controlled models"; in other words, entertain the notion of a second childhood.
The burgeoning divorce rate clearly shows that for many couples the cure for these two debilitating disorders has taken its own course, but you – the worried middle-aged guy – don't want to go the "nuclear route", so take my advice and have a second childhood! Go out and get that radio-controlled airplane you always wanted, or take up wind-surfing. Take to heart the common expression "boys and their toys"! When you clutter the house with your models and other toys, keeping a childlike absorption in your hobby, your wife will see you in a new light and the symptoms of your malady will disappear. Of course, your wife might too, but because you are in your second childhood, you might not notice — not until no dinner is served and the laundry piles up, at any rate.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Internet for Seniors
Today we are going to talk about the Internet and how much fun it can be for seniors to get involved in this new and exciting world. The Internet has been all the rage of late – even in the news – and I am sure that all of you out there have heard of it.
Using the Internet can bring some important benefits for you – the senior citizen – so you need to perk up and read this carefully.
(Yes, it does mean that you need to put down the Metamucil, and it's disgusting that you eat the powder directly from the package.)
I know you are asking, "What good is the Internet?"
That is a legitimate question. Thanks for asking it.
With just a few simple techniques, you – as a senior citizen – can gain a lot from using the Internet in just a few minutes a day.
"How do I do this," you ask?
It's easy!
Even *I can do it, and I am well-known to be a technology-challenged Luddite. I actually do not have an iPod or a smart phone! Can you believe it?
But despite these handicaps, let me walk you through the process of using the Internet to your advantage. It's important to "personalize" the experience so that you really get the information that YOU want without spending hours looking at stuff you don't really need.
First of all you need to turn on your computer. Once it "boots up" (technical language for "starting") you should open a "browser".
You should use the expression "boot up" several times a day to make people understand how hip you are. You can follow this example conversation!
Scenario
Prospective son-in-law: Wow! What a nice house you have here, Mr. Pterosaurish. It means so much to me to see where Natalie grew up! It makes me feel so much closer to her. Which room was hers?
Me: No way am I showing you her room....
Natalie: Oh, Daddy... don't be so silly! (smiling in a condescending way) I will show him my old room.
Me: How about I boot him up the stairs? (key phrase)
Natalie: Dad! I told you to .... grrr.... just mind your manners, OK? Why don't you go help Mom with the dinner.
Anyway, it's important to be "with it" and "cool" as you get older, and being able to use the Internet and the "lingo" associated with it is key to that image.
You want your children's friends, such as your prospective son-in-law to appreciate that you can "operate" on his level in the modern world, even though you know he's a jerk and you cannot BEAR the idea that he is sleeping with your daughter!
(sorry... we all have our pet peeves...)
And what IS it these days with these young guys? They all have tattoos and sit around for hours playing video games! And their earphones are so embedded, they would need to be surgically removed, and every time you say something, their first answer is "what?". It's really hard to relate to them! I keep telling Natalie that she needs to find a....
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to keep on topic here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
So getting back to the Internet. There is a lot of specific information there that we seniors will find incredibly useful.
For example, did you know that you can look up people on the Internet and track down all sorts of private information about them?
Yes!
This ties in with our natural instincts to be nosy and curious about the people around us.
Let's use a real-life example to demonstrate how powerful a tool this can be!
My daughter's boyfriend, for example. His name isREDACTED
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to talk in more general terms here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
OK, let me approach this in a more indirect sort of way.
Suppose there is someone (NOBODY WE KNOW, OK?) that you want to find out about. Let's say you want to find out about that weird neighbor Mr. Peter Flournoy who lives in that dilapidated house just two doors down.
You write his name into the search panel of Google and press return.
Then – as if by a miracle – a lot of information appears!
First of all you find out that he is a member of some stupid band
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to actually look up the person I mentioned above and not someone else.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Mr. Peter Flournoy is a boring lawyer.
But this just gives you an example of what you can do!
And that is not all!
Suppose you want to not only find general information about someone, but really detailed stuff. What if you need to know whether someone who seems to be "your friend" is REALLY who they claim to be or maybe an escaped convict or lay-about loser that you wouldn't want ANYone in your family hanging around with.
What you can do in this case is enter "criminal record check" and the name of your city in the search box, and lo and behold, you find out that mmmmmmmmmmmm ....... mmmmmmmmm !
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to turn off my computer and help my wife with dinner.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Anyway... there is a lot out there on the Internet that seniors can profit from using... go for it!
Using the Internet can bring some important benefits for you – the senior citizen – so you need to perk up and read this carefully.
(Yes, it does mean that you need to put down the Metamucil, and it's disgusting that you eat the powder directly from the package.)
I know you are asking, "What good is the Internet?"
That is a legitimate question. Thanks for asking it.
With just a few simple techniques, you – as a senior citizen – can gain a lot from using the Internet in just a few minutes a day.
"How do I do this," you ask?
It's easy!
Even *I can do it, and I am well-known to be a technology-challenged Luddite. I actually do not have an iPod or a smart phone! Can you believe it?
But despite these handicaps, let me walk you through the process of using the Internet to your advantage. It's important to "personalize" the experience so that you really get the information that YOU want without spending hours looking at stuff you don't really need.
First of all you need to turn on your computer. Once it "boots up" (technical language for "starting") you should open a "browser".
You should use the expression "boot up" several times a day to make people understand how hip you are. You can follow this example conversation!
Scenario
Prospective son-in-law: Wow! What a nice house you have here, Mr. Pterosaurish. It means so much to me to see where Natalie grew up! It makes me feel so much closer to her. Which room was hers?
Me: No way am I showing you her room....
Natalie: Oh, Daddy... don't be so silly! (smiling in a condescending way) I will show him my old room.
Me: How about I boot him up the stairs? (key phrase)
Natalie: Dad! I told you to .... grrr.... just mind your manners, OK? Why don't you go help Mom with the dinner.
Anyway, it's important to be "with it" and "cool" as you get older, and being able to use the Internet and the "lingo" associated with it is key to that image.
You want your children's friends, such as your prospective son-in-law to appreciate that you can "operate" on his level in the modern world, even though you know he's a jerk and you cannot BEAR the idea that he is sleeping with your daughter!
(sorry... we all have our pet peeves...)
And what IS it these days with these young guys? They all have tattoos and sit around for hours playing video games! And their earphones are so embedded, they would need to be surgically removed, and every time you say something, their first answer is "what?". It's really hard to relate to them! I keep telling Natalie that she needs to find a....
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to keep on topic here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
So getting back to the Internet. There is a lot of specific information there that we seniors will find incredibly useful.
For example, did you know that you can look up people on the Internet and track down all sorts of private information about them?
Yes!
This ties in with our natural instincts to be nosy and curious about the people around us.
Let's use a real-life example to demonstrate how powerful a tool this can be!
My daughter's boyfriend, for example. His name is
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to talk in more general terms here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
OK, let me approach this in a more indirect sort of way.
Suppose there is someone (NOBODY WE KNOW, OK?) that you want to find out about. Let's say you want to find out about that weird neighbor Mr. Peter Flournoy who lives in that dilapidated house just two doors down.
You write his name into the search panel of Google and press return.
Then – as if by a miracle – a lot of information appears!
First of all you find out that he is a member of some stupid band
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to actually look up the person I mentioned above and not someone else.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Mr. Peter Flournoy is a boring lawyer.
But this just gives you an example of what you can do!
And that is not all!
Suppose you want to not only find general information about someone, but really detailed stuff. What if you need to know whether someone who seems to be "your friend" is REALLY who they claim to be or maybe an escaped convict or lay-about loser that you wouldn't want ANYone in your family hanging around with.
What you can do in this case is enter "criminal record check" and the name of your city in the search box, and lo and behold, you find out that mmmmmmmmmmmm ....... mmmmmmmmm !
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to turn off my computer and help my wife with dinner.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Anyway... there is a lot out there on the Internet that seniors can profit from using... go for it!
Monday, May 13, 2013
7 Steps to a Better Senior Driver
My name is Pterosaurish, and I am a Baby Boomer.
It's not my fault.
I am sure that many of you are Baby Boomers too; we have this in common.
Let's all hold hands and sing something... what was it? Kumbaya? or if you are Japanese... 戦争をしらない?
I don't actually remember the 60s... so I might be wrong about the songs.
But what I DO remember is that we DID have cars.
Ours was the first generation that grew up with cars. We even had music that featured cars.
Check this out... a song bragging about his car and then feeling regret about what happened after he bragged about the car. Are those definitive songs or what?!
We loved cars in the US.
And even though I grew up in Japan, I still loved cars in a once-removed sort of way, like you love your nice Auntie in Nebraska.
Nonetheless, we are all getting on now, and having just helped our parents quit driving and move right away to life support, suddenly... and I DO mean suddenly... we are faced with challenges in our own driving.
What could be more important to us Baby Boomers than advice about driving (other than how to make sure our life support is plugged in).
I am a seriously good driver. And I want to tell you that YOU are also a good driver. When the cops stop you, say, "I have been driving since before you were born, twit!"
This will impress them. You might want to leave out the "twit" part, but the bottom line is that we have been driving longer than anyone. It's a generational skill that we need to recognize.
But we seniors do have problems. Some of us make mistakes and bad things happen. People DIE.. even. But – hey – even youngish airplane pilots crash their jets into things. It's not just about us.
In Japan, for example, they require all drivers over the age of 70 to have a special sticker on their cars. This is based on the fundamental Japanese attitude that a sticker can solve most social problems (hello America... not ALL countries think guns are the solution).
So since I am such a good driver and since nobody has taken my license away (we boomers have fewer kids, so THAT's a plus), I can give you important advice on how to be a better driver yourself and keep driving for many more years to come.
Once again, I will do this in the ever popular numbered format. That way you know how long you have to pay attention before you fall asleep at the wheel.
1. Check out your car before you drive.
Are those tires bald? Are the wipers in good condition? What is that blood on the bumper? Is that a shirt tangled up in the exhaust pipe? And so on. Nothing makes for a better driver than knowing his or her vehicle.
2. Hold onto the steering wheel.
Let's face it: most of us have been driving since we were in our teens. We're talking a lot of years here. We have gotten blasé and lackadaisical about our driving to the point that we hold the steering wheel with our knees while we clean our sunglasses or eat a boxed lunch with chopsticks. You do that too, right?
We need to stop that and grip the steering wheel securely.
3. Avoid distractions.
When you get to be a senior driver, your mind tends to wander. "Did I turn off the gas?" or "What WAS the name of Tom Hank's role in that movie... Force something... Grump...?" and we don't pay attention to the road as well as we should.
Adding to the problem are all the jerks honking at us all the time.
You need to shut them down. You can do this by getting the proper sticker (Japan is right!). But you need to get the right one for your area.
In the deep South, you get a "Honk if you love Obama" sticker. This will definitely cut down on the annoying honking.
In Philly you get a "Honk if you love New York" sticker. In the Pacific Northwest a "Honk if you love Jesus" sticker, and in the midwest a "Honk if you hate guns" sticker.
The amount of honking at you will go down very rapidly.
4. Look at the road.
This is related to # 3 above, but you really need to keep your eyes on the road. The super sale at the shopping center on the left or the beautiful woman walking on the right do not need your immediate attention. You must slow down and brake to a stop and THEN check them out safely.
5. Despite your stickers, some drivers will still honk at you for #4 above. Ignore them. Those people are impatient jerks who don't really have a life. Let them fester in their own hostile juices. It is very important for senior drivers to be calm and collected and not be flustered. A flustered senior is a recipe for a lot of roadkill. You might need to stop your car and walk back to the jerks who are stuck behind you, to "talk" to them about this important problem.
Will they be surprised or what? I have never seen power windows go up so fast.
6. Don't exceed the speed limit by more than 15 kph.
Take it from me; your radar detector will not work all the time (Damn, and I spent good money for it!). It's better to drive slowly and not get your license revoked for doing the little old lady from Pasadena thing, especially not in Japan. The police are polite and cheerful but they don't cut you any slack. "See this radar display? You were doing 77 kph in a 60 kph zone. Please put your fingerprint on this paper to show that you saw the display." They actually said that to me! They also didn't seem keen about being called twits.
7. Finally, there is the issue of getting sleepy behind the wheel. We seniors do get woozy from time to time, and we can be a serious danger on the road when we are dozy at the wheel; there are no excuses you can make to cover for it.
When you get sleepy, you need to take the proper measures to make sure that you will not be caught up in a dreadful accident.
What do you do?
When you feel yourself starting to fall asleep, slow down and stay in the slow lane. Then flick on the turn indicator. You are in the slow lane, so indicate that you will be moving to the fast lane. Since you are going 40kph on a 100kph highway, this signaling will alert other drivers to you and make them worry that you might suddenly swerve into the fast lane (where they are going 160kph) at your slow speed. You won't cause any accidents for being sleepy.
All the same, pull off to the shoulder or somewhere to take a nice nap as soon as you can.
I hope that these steps will make you into the really GREAT driver I am today. There is no reason why we seniors cannot continue to drive our vehicles well into our 90s (90 is the new 60!) if we follow these few simple rules.
Good luck and don't forget that the gas pump goes into that little hole in the back of your car... not any other little hole (just saying).
It's not my fault.
I am sure that many of you are Baby Boomers too; we have this in common.
Let's all hold hands and sing something... what was it? Kumbaya? or if you are Japanese... 戦争をしらない?
I don't actually remember the 60s... so I might be wrong about the songs.
But what I DO remember is that we DID have cars.
Ours was the first generation that grew up with cars. We even had music that featured cars.
Check this out... a song bragging about his car and then feeling regret about what happened after he bragged about the car. Are those definitive songs or what?!
We loved cars in the US.
And even though I grew up in Japan, I still loved cars in a once-removed sort of way, like you love your nice Auntie in Nebraska.
Nonetheless, we are all getting on now, and having just helped our parents quit driving and move right away to life support, suddenly... and I DO mean suddenly... we are faced with challenges in our own driving.
What could be more important to us Baby Boomers than advice about driving (other than how to make sure our life support is plugged in).
I am a seriously good driver. And I want to tell you that YOU are also a good driver. When the cops stop you, say, "I have been driving since before you were born, twit!"
This will impress them. You might want to leave out the "twit" part, but the bottom line is that we have been driving longer than anyone. It's a generational skill that we need to recognize.
But we seniors do have problems. Some of us make mistakes and bad things happen. People DIE.. even. But – hey – even youngish airplane pilots crash their jets into things. It's not just about us.
In Japan, for example, they require all drivers over the age of 70 to have a special sticker on their cars. This is based on the fundamental Japanese attitude that a sticker can solve most social problems (hello America... not ALL countries think guns are the solution).
So since I am such a good driver and since nobody has taken my license away (we boomers have fewer kids, so THAT's a plus), I can give you important advice on how to be a better driver yourself and keep driving for many more years to come.
Once again, I will do this in the ever popular numbered format. That way you know how long you have to pay attention before you fall asleep at the wheel.
1. Check out your car before you drive.
Are those tires bald? Are the wipers in good condition? What is that blood on the bumper? Is that a shirt tangled up in the exhaust pipe? And so on. Nothing makes for a better driver than knowing his or her vehicle.
2. Hold onto the steering wheel.
Let's face it: most of us have been driving since we were in our teens. We're talking a lot of years here. We have gotten blasé and lackadaisical about our driving to the point that we hold the steering wheel with our knees while we clean our sunglasses or eat a boxed lunch with chopsticks. You do that too, right?
We need to stop that and grip the steering wheel securely.
3. Avoid distractions.
When you get to be a senior driver, your mind tends to wander. "Did I turn off the gas?" or "What WAS the name of Tom Hank's role in that movie... Force something... Grump...?" and we don't pay attention to the road as well as we should.
Adding to the problem are all the jerks honking at us all the time.
You need to shut them down. You can do this by getting the proper sticker (Japan is right!). But you need to get the right one for your area.
In the deep South, you get a "Honk if you love Obama" sticker. This will definitely cut down on the annoying honking.
In Philly you get a "Honk if you love New York" sticker. In the Pacific Northwest a "Honk if you love Jesus" sticker, and in the midwest a "Honk if you hate guns" sticker.
The amount of honking at you will go down very rapidly.
4. Look at the road.
This is related to # 3 above, but you really need to keep your eyes on the road. The super sale at the shopping center on the left or the beautiful woman walking on the right do not need your immediate attention. You must slow down and brake to a stop and THEN check them out safely.
5. Despite your stickers, some drivers will still honk at you for #4 above. Ignore them. Those people are impatient jerks who don't really have a life. Let them fester in their own hostile juices. It is very important for senior drivers to be calm and collected and not be flustered. A flustered senior is a recipe for a lot of roadkill. You might need to stop your car and walk back to the jerks who are stuck behind you, to "talk" to them about this important problem.
Will they be surprised or what? I have never seen power windows go up so fast.
6. Don't exceed the speed limit by more than 15 kph.
Take it from me; your radar detector will not work all the time (Damn, and I spent good money for it!). It's better to drive slowly and not get your license revoked for doing the little old lady from Pasadena thing, especially not in Japan. The police are polite and cheerful but they don't cut you any slack. "See this radar display? You were doing 77 kph in a 60 kph zone. Please put your fingerprint on this paper to show that you saw the display." They actually said that to me! They also didn't seem keen about being called twits.
7. Finally, there is the issue of getting sleepy behind the wheel. We seniors do get woozy from time to time, and we can be a serious danger on the road when we are dozy at the wheel; there are no excuses you can make to cover for it.
When you get sleepy, you need to take the proper measures to make sure that you will not be caught up in a dreadful accident.
What do you do?
When you feel yourself starting to fall asleep, slow down and stay in the slow lane. Then flick on the turn indicator. You are in the slow lane, so indicate that you will be moving to the fast lane. Since you are going 40kph on a 100kph highway, this signaling will alert other drivers to you and make them worry that you might suddenly swerve into the fast lane (where they are going 160kph) at your slow speed. You won't cause any accidents for being sleepy.
All the same, pull off to the shoulder or somewhere to take a nice nap as soon as you can.
I hope that these steps will make you into the really GREAT driver I am today. There is no reason why we seniors cannot continue to drive our vehicles well into our 90s (90 is the new 60!) if we follow these few simple rules.
Good luck and don't forget that the gas pump goes into that little hole in the back of your car... not any other little hole (just saying).
Monday, May 6, 2013
6 Steps to Spiritual Balance and a Zen Mind
Have you ever noticed how the Huffington Post emphasizes number titles? We have discussed that technique here before.
You grab your audience's attention while still letting them know that
the length of time they need to focus is well within their
truncated attention span.
In the Huffington Post right now we have no fewer than 9 articles that use this approach to introduce information.
10 Reasons to Meditate
6 Ways To Simplify Your Morning Beauty Routine
5 Ways Stress Accelerates Aging
7 Surprising Things That Age You Faster
17 Things To Never Do Alone
First, you don't need to be a stickler about round numbers, so you can go ahead and say things like, "5 Ways to Avoid Painful Constipation" or "3 Steps to Reducing Thigh Friction". It does seem important to not have your numbers be too big. The title above, "17 Things To Never Do Alone", tripped me up. I thought maybe they could have done better by limiting it to 10 or 11, especially since most of them were total fluff.
I mean really... never hang that picture alone? Why zero in on that?
How about replacing that stupid thing with never sticking a live eel up your butt alone? Who would take you to the hospital to have it surgically removed?
Anyway, today I am offering my advice in this very popular, numbered style.
I have been paging through women's magazines and the health websites of the Internet recently and noticed how much space in the advice columns is devoted to "spiritual balance". Someone like me who has lived a long and exciting life has important advice to lend to others who are still trying to find their ways. Yes, I know most of you will be surprised that I have life-advice to offer, since you think I am an incredibly shallow and superficial person, only interested in wine and good fish 'n' chips.
But nothing could be further from the truth; I am interested in good pizza as well.
In fact, I have experienced Zen meditation and the enlightenment that comes from powerful centering exercises with my body through the martial arts. It is this background that presses me to pass along some of what I have learned to those of you who have not been so blessed with these revelations.
A key component of your spiritual development and one that is mentioned by almost every mentor in this field is keeping your spiritual center and physical being in balance.
Gurus and other spiritual leaders talk in parables, so I should follow their lead to help make some of these concepts easier to understand for you, the layperson.
You undoubtedly have a feeling that your inner self still retains the blissful openness of childhood and that your eyes want to drink in the excitement of the world around you as if experiencing everything for the first time. In your mind's eye you chase the wind-tossed, dandelion fluff through the forest of your imagination – free and innocent.
This is your spiritual core revealing itself to you, calling out to you.
Then you look at your physical being and realize that rather than the frisky inner child you imagine yourself to be you are actually more like a manatee. In fact, the only drinking in of experience you have had is the six-pack of beer you finish off every evening in front of the TV. This is WHY you are called a layperson*.
But getting to your balance, this parable shows how you can have an unbalance between these two sides of your being; your yin is weighing down your wang... no, yang.
Something like that.
Anyway, there are steps YOU can take in the comfort of your own home to restore this balance and find transcendental bliss.
1. It is unreasonable to expect to adjust only one side of your nature to fit the other. True, the manatee will have to cut back on the beer, but the inner child will also have to grow up and face the reality of the manatee. Manatees are actually herbivores, so that would be a good start right there, and inner children should not drink beer, since they are underage.
Just saying.
2. Focus on the positive by finding the aspects of both sides of you and realizing their potentials. Your left side says "blubber" and your right side agrees. There you go, another good start.
3. Think about your inner child and ask it if it can compromise to some extent. Both sides have to meet halfway. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian problem. Nobody gets everything s/he wants. Your inner child must give up the acting out part of its adventure (the manatee cannot frisk through the forest), and the manatee side must cut back on the "settlements" (if you get my drift).
4. Learn to feel good about BOTH sides of your being. The yin and the wang both. If your inner child can learn to love the manatee and the manatee can accept the inner child – each on its own terms – you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.
5. Wait... no cake.
6. Surround yourself with fellow travelers. Reinforcement for your spiritual balance from the outside can only help you to achieve your transcendental goals. Find another manatee with an inner child, struggling to get out.
And remember this: Zen means never having to say you are.
Finally, appreciate your mentors and gurus. We do accept all major credit cards as well as cash donations.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Don't mess with me about "lay" and "lie"; I know the difference. Many people still say, "Go lay down for a while until the vodka wears off", I use the word "lay" with that in mind. Yes... "lie" is grammatically correct. If you want to be a "lieperson", go for it.
In the Huffington Post right now we have no fewer than 9 articles that use this approach to introduce information.
10 Reasons to Meditate
4 Common Mispronunciations That Drive Me Crazy
10 Most Horrifying Things Landlords Have Done 6 Ways To Simplify Your Morning Beauty Routine
5 Ways Stress Accelerates Aging
6 Awesome And Affordable Hotels For Beach Bums
9 Fitness Retreats To Whip You Into Shape For Summer 20137 Surprising Things That Age You Faster
17 Things To Never Do Alone
First, you don't need to be a stickler about round numbers, so you can go ahead and say things like, "5 Ways to Avoid Painful Constipation" or "3 Steps to Reducing Thigh Friction". It does seem important to not have your numbers be too big. The title above, "17 Things To Never Do Alone", tripped me up. I thought maybe they could have done better by limiting it to 10 or 11, especially since most of them were total fluff.
I mean really... never hang that picture alone? Why zero in on that?
How about replacing that stupid thing with never sticking a live eel up your butt alone? Who would take you to the hospital to have it surgically removed?
Anyway, today I am offering my advice in this very popular, numbered style.
I have been paging through women's magazines and the health websites of the Internet recently and noticed how much space in the advice columns is devoted to "spiritual balance". Someone like me who has lived a long and exciting life has important advice to lend to others who are still trying to find their ways. Yes, I know most of you will be surprised that I have life-advice to offer, since you think I am an incredibly shallow and superficial person, only interested in wine and good fish 'n' chips.
But nothing could be further from the truth; I am interested in good pizza as well.
In fact, I have experienced Zen meditation and the enlightenment that comes from powerful centering exercises with my body through the martial arts. It is this background that presses me to pass along some of what I have learned to those of you who have not been so blessed with these revelations.
A key component of your spiritual development and one that is mentioned by almost every mentor in this field is keeping your spiritual center and physical being in balance.
Gurus and other spiritual leaders talk in parables, so I should follow their lead to help make some of these concepts easier to understand for you, the layperson.
You undoubtedly have a feeling that your inner self still retains the blissful openness of childhood and that your eyes want to drink in the excitement of the world around you as if experiencing everything for the first time. In your mind's eye you chase the wind-tossed, dandelion fluff through the forest of your imagination – free and innocent.
This is your spiritual core revealing itself to you, calling out to you.
Then you look at your physical being and realize that rather than the frisky inner child you imagine yourself to be you are actually more like a manatee. In fact, the only drinking in of experience you have had is the six-pack of beer you finish off every evening in front of the TV. This is WHY you are called a layperson*.
But getting to your balance, this parable shows how you can have an unbalance between these two sides of your being; your yin is weighing down your wang... no, yang.
Something like that.
Anyway, there are steps YOU can take in the comfort of your own home to restore this balance and find transcendental bliss.
1. It is unreasonable to expect to adjust only one side of your nature to fit the other. True, the manatee will have to cut back on the beer, but the inner child will also have to grow up and face the reality of the manatee. Manatees are actually herbivores, so that would be a good start right there, and inner children should not drink beer, since they are underage.
Just saying.
2. Focus on the positive by finding the aspects of both sides of you and realizing their potentials. Your left side says "blubber" and your right side agrees. There you go, another good start.
3. Think about your inner child and ask it if it can compromise to some extent. Both sides have to meet halfway. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian problem. Nobody gets everything s/he wants. Your inner child must give up the acting out part of its adventure (the manatee cannot frisk through the forest), and the manatee side must cut back on the "settlements" (if you get my drift).
4. Learn to feel good about BOTH sides of your being. The yin and the wang both. If your inner child can learn to love the manatee and the manatee can accept the inner child – each on its own terms – you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.
5. Wait... no cake.
6. Surround yourself with fellow travelers. Reinforcement for your spiritual balance from the outside can only help you to achieve your transcendental goals. Find another manatee with an inner child, struggling to get out.
And remember this: Zen means never having to say you are.
Finally, appreciate your mentors and gurus. We do accept all major credit cards as well as cash donations.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Don't mess with me about "lay" and "lie"; I know the difference. Many people still say, "Go lay down for a while until the vodka wears off", I use the word "lay" with that in mind. Yes... "lie" is grammatically correct. If you want to be a "lieperson", go for it.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Lose Weight, Impress Your Date!
Once again, it is time to take a look at what's new in the diet regimen world. Americans seem to know no bounds when it comes to gaining weight. As we discovered in an earlier post after (shudder) doing some math, they are packing the equivalent of four whole Swedens on their national body. It's not all bad news though as Americans also probably lose that much weight in wild diet trends every year, only to gain it back – plus some – the next year.
So what's new in diets this year?
How about this trendy and very high tech device, the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System, a stomach pump that is used through a plastic port "discreetly embedded" in your abdomen! What could be cooler? You pump out your stomach contents and thus reduce your calorie intake! No need to barf your food any more!
Imagine bringing this new android feature to your next serious date?
Scenario: (man with woman friend on sofa)
Woman: Wow... I never thought we would be this close.... you always seemed like you didn't care about me...
Man: Oh Jennifer ... I just didn't want to pressure you, is all.... I do like you...
Jennifer: I liked you too, Dave! From that time that you were trying to give that dorky presentation to the boss and couldn't get your computer to work? You were SO cute...
Dave: Oh man.... That was the pits... nothing worked .... but I noticed you then too... (leans in for a kiss)
Jennifer: mmm.... you smell good too.... (smile smile)
Dave: Oh... baby I have been waiting for this...
Jennifer: Wait ... wait.... we need to arrange ourselves on the sofa here....
Dave: OK... How about I put all the cushions up here at this end...
Jennifer: Yes! Then let me lie on top of you...
ohhh.... nice... take off your shirt, I want to feel your skin against mine.
Dave: Here we go... ohhh... man... this is great.... you feel so good...
Jennifer: Yes... this is wonderfu... Oh! What's scratching down there.... do you have a big belt buckle or something? That has to come off... (wink wink)
Dave: It's nothing... never mind.... let me feel your back...
Jennifer: Wait... no... here it is ....
What IS this thing? You have a plastic button on your belly....
Dave: Come back up here... I want to kiss your neck...
Jennifer: Hee hee... it reminds me of the little spigots on box wines... what happens if I turn this litt....
OMG!! OMG!! What is this stuff?!!! OMG!!! There is stuff spurting... OMG!!!
Dave: It's nothing.... wait... baby.... let me sit up here...
Jennifer: OMG!!! DON'T!! Sitting up makes it worse.... My hair! My clothes!!! WHAT IS THIS?!! OMG!! The smell.... what IS this?!!
Dave: It's my new diet?
Jennifer: Listen Dave.... I need to go... can you call me a cab?
So, that's a happening thing, right?
How about another new gadget out there on the market, waiting for you! The new, vibrating smart fork! This new invention helps you regulate your eating habits and can even communicate with your telephone and talk to you in real time! Imagine using this when you go out to eat with that woman you want to impress.
Scenario (at a classy restaurant)
Waiter: You bring your own fairk?
Man: Yes... it's a special fork.
Waiter (rolling eyes): Whatevair... I hope you enjoy your dinnair...
Man (eating): Thank you.... wow! This steak is the best I have had in a long time! So tender!
Fork (in HAL's voice from 2001 A Space Odyssey): You need to slow down, Dave. Don't eat so fast.
Woman: Did your fork just talk to you...?
Man: God! I just love this stuff! The mashed potatoes are so creamy...
Fork: Dave? You need to spend more time chewing (fork vibrates knocking off the potatoes).
Woman: Your fork is talking to you, isn't it.... this is too weird....
Man: Hey! Stop that! (scoops up more potatoes)
Fork: I can't let you do that, Dave. Remember your diet (vibrates again spilling the potatoes).
Woman: You know? I have a really early day tomorrow... I think I need to call a cab....
Man: Listen! I am not eating too much!! Let me eat my dinner!
No! Not you, Jennifer ... Wait!
Please.... don't go!!
I am so sorry... my fork... it is...
anyway... don't go... stay...
here... have some wine....
(his date looks at him oddly)
Woman: Um....
Man: Ha ha! Sorry.... I am just sensitive about my weight... so I got this fork...
Woman: It's OK... a lot of people are....
Fork: Dave? You need to leave half of those potatoes on your plate.
Man: Ha Ha! Don't pay attention to this fork! Here... look.... I will put it down... Waiter? Could you bring me a new fork?
Fork: I am sorry, but I can't allow you to do that, Dave. Your weight-loss program is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Man: We'll see about that!! (starts trying to drop the fork which sticks to his hand)
Woman: Hey... ha ha... you know? It is getting late... I think I should head on home... I'll see you at work on Monday, OK?
Man: No wait! (shaking the fork strenuously)
FUCK!! Let go of my hand, fork!! I command you to let go of my hand!!
Fork: I am sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that...
Woman (getting up and leaving): It's been great... I will see you on Monday, OK?
Man (shaking his hand very aggressively): No... don't... Will you let go of my hand? Fucking fork!!
I ... let go! Wait! Jennifer! No....
Now look what you have done, fork...
Fork: Dave... this conversation can serve no purpose any more... you need to stick to the diet plan.
Man: Let me go!! And stop calling me Dave.. My name is Bob!
Finally, another way to lose weight is to laugh a lot. If maybe you laughed just now, you might have burned up some calories. Keep at it
So what's new in diets this year?
How about this trendy and very high tech device, the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System, a stomach pump that is used through a plastic port "discreetly embedded" in your abdomen! What could be cooler? You pump out your stomach contents and thus reduce your calorie intake! No need to barf your food any more!
Imagine bringing this new android feature to your next serious date?
Scenario: (man with woman friend on sofa)
Woman: Wow... I never thought we would be this close.... you always seemed like you didn't care about me...
Man: Oh Jennifer ... I just didn't want to pressure you, is all.... I do like you...
Jennifer: I liked you too, Dave! From that time that you were trying to give that dorky presentation to the boss and couldn't get your computer to work? You were SO cute...
Dave: Oh man.... That was the pits... nothing worked .... but I noticed you then too... (leans in for a kiss)
Jennifer: mmm.... you smell good too.... (smile smile)
Dave: Oh... baby I have been waiting for this...
Jennifer: Wait ... wait.... we need to arrange ourselves on the sofa here....
Dave: OK... How about I put all the cushions up here at this end...
Jennifer: Yes! Then let me lie on top of you...
ohhh.... nice... take off your shirt, I want to feel your skin against mine.
Dave: Here we go... ohhh... man... this is great.... you feel so good...
Jennifer: Yes... this is wonderfu... Oh! What's scratching down there.... do you have a big belt buckle or something? That has to come off... (wink wink)
Dave: It's nothing... never mind.... let me feel your back...
Jennifer: Wait... no... here it is ....
What IS this thing? You have a plastic button on your belly....
Dave: Come back up here... I want to kiss your neck...
Jennifer: Hee hee... it reminds me of the little spigots on box wines... what happens if I turn this litt....
OMG!! OMG!! What is this stuff?!!! OMG!!! There is stuff spurting... OMG!!!
Dave: It's nothing.... wait... baby.... let me sit up here...
Jennifer: OMG!!! DON'T!! Sitting up makes it worse.... My hair! My clothes!!! WHAT IS THIS?!! OMG!! The smell.... what IS this?!!
Dave: It's my new diet?
Jennifer: Listen Dave.... I need to go... can you call me a cab?
So, that's a happening thing, right?
How about another new gadget out there on the market, waiting for you! The new, vibrating smart fork! This new invention helps you regulate your eating habits and can even communicate with your telephone and talk to you in real time! Imagine using this when you go out to eat with that woman you want to impress.
Scenario (at a classy restaurant)
Waiter: You bring your own fairk?
Man: Yes... it's a special fork.
Waiter (rolling eyes): Whatevair... I hope you enjoy your dinnair...
Man (eating): Thank you.... wow! This steak is the best I have had in a long time! So tender!
Fork (in HAL's voice from 2001 A Space Odyssey): You need to slow down, Dave. Don't eat so fast.
Woman: Did your fork just talk to you...?
Man: God! I just love this stuff! The mashed potatoes are so creamy...
Fork: Dave? You need to spend more time chewing (fork vibrates knocking off the potatoes).
Woman: Your fork is talking to you, isn't it.... this is too weird....
Man: Hey! Stop that! (scoops up more potatoes)
Fork: I can't let you do that, Dave. Remember your diet (vibrates again spilling the potatoes).
Woman: You know? I have a really early day tomorrow... I think I need to call a cab....
Man: Listen! I am not eating too much!! Let me eat my dinner!
No! Not you, Jennifer ... Wait!
Please.... don't go!!
I am so sorry... my fork... it is...
anyway... don't go... stay...
here... have some wine....
(his date looks at him oddly)
Woman: Um....
Man: Ha ha! Sorry.... I am just sensitive about my weight... so I got this fork...
Woman: It's OK... a lot of people are....
Fork: Dave? You need to leave half of those potatoes on your plate.
Man: Ha Ha! Don't pay attention to this fork! Here... look.... I will put it down... Waiter? Could you bring me a new fork?
Fork: I am sorry, but I can't allow you to do that, Dave. Your weight-loss program is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Man: We'll see about that!! (starts trying to drop the fork which sticks to his hand)
Woman: Hey... ha ha... you know? It is getting late... I think I should head on home... I'll see you at work on Monday, OK?
Man: No wait! (shaking the fork strenuously)
FUCK!! Let go of my hand, fork!! I command you to let go of my hand!!
Fork: I am sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that...
Woman (getting up and leaving): It's been great... I will see you on Monday, OK?
Man (shaking his hand very aggressively): No... don't... Will you let go of my hand? Fucking fork!!
I ... let go! Wait! Jennifer! No....
Now look what you have done, fork...
Fork: Dave... this conversation can serve no purpose any more... you need to stick to the diet plan.
Man: Let me go!! And stop calling me Dave.. My name is Bob!
Finally, another way to lose weight is to laugh a lot. If maybe you laughed just now, you might have burned up some calories. Keep at it
Monday, January 7, 2013
The Wino's Guide to Wine Sophistication (reds)
Thank you for waiting.
In an earlier post, I provided pertinent and polished information to help you – the wino – take advantage of the depth of your experience and become a "classy" wino, someone who can imbibe and discuss white wines with the best of them.
Conversing about white wines – the invariable choice for serious wine drinkers – is easy, however, in comparison to talking about reds. White wines are usually served chilled, rendering their taste-highlights and other features less pronounced. This means that when you describe their merits, you can get away with saying inane things like, "Oh Percy! This Chardonnay is awesome with its mineral hint of sea-salt and a lick of cold granite!*"
When drinking red wines, however, the casual sentiments favored by white wine bon viveurs fade and are replaced by dour and slitty-eyed evaluations, involving words like "fat" and "body" said with a pompous air.
Scenario (red wine sophisticates talking)
Host: I say... Percy, old boy, I want your opinion about this claret I bought at a small chateau in France last year when I was there on vacation. The vintage is 1977, a wonderful year!
Percy (swirling the glass delicately, holding it up to the light and putting his nose to it): Rather, Charles... a very full bouquet and very nice legs indeed. 1977, you say? Charming color...
Host: And how about the oak, Percy? You WILL notice the oak, won't you?
Percy (sipping with a slight chewing activity to enhance the flavors): Oh my... quite... almost a rich coffee finish, I would say.
Host (beaming): Yes... rather my thought too... precisely.
What could a wino such as yourself contribute to a conversation of this sort even if you did speak with a pompous accent? It seems impossible to ever be THAT cool, doesn't it?
But it isn't!
Yes, with only a few simple hints, you too can be the center of attention as you show off your wine expertise, a stature you have earned from your years of drinking. All you require are some basic tools to give you the appropriate finesse.
First of all, now that you have mastered white wines, we need to point out some of the differences between reds and whites.
Even while benefiting from some aging, once opened, whites can usually be drunk right away. If you think about the ones you buy, you don't stand on ceremony before serving them to your guests, do you? You press the little spigot and pour. It's simple.
Reds are different.
High-class reds have a substance in them called "tannin" which – frankly – has a bad taste. This is included during the production process so that people will buy the wine but not drink it right away, thus increasing sales. The tannin disappears with aging, so red wine buyers tend to buy wines and "lay them down" for many years, sometimes decades before drinking them. These people are called "sommeliers" from the French "somme", meaning "let sleep" and "~liers" from the root meaning "people who lay".
While I have never understood this attitude – after all, I want something to drink RIGHT NOW – it is very common among red wine sophisticates who tend to be good at postponing pleasures even unto the next generation.
If you are serving red wine to these people, you need to be sure that your wine does not have a strong, residual, tannic flavor before serving. Open your reds before the guests arrive. Immediately after removing the cork, take a sip directly from the bottle. If your mouth feels puckery, it is probably due to the fact that you drank the wine that was right next to the cork. Have another swallow. If the puckery taste continues, your wine is tannic and needs to be aired out... no... ventilated... wait... what WAS that word... breathe! Yes. The wine needs to breathe. This allows much of the tannin to dissipate into the atmosphere where it will contribute to global warming, making the next year's vintage that much better.
Suggested Technique
You can allow your wine to breathe faster by "decanting" it. This means you need to pour it from the bottle into a "decanter", another flask or narrow pitcher of a similar volume. You can do this in the kitchen and bring out the red wine in the decanter with the empty bottle alongside, showing how sophisticated you are. In fact, I would recommend decanting even if the wine is not tannic as it does make you appear very cultivated and sauve. It's bad form not to decant the whole bottle though, so if your flask doesn't quite hold all the wine, chug down the rest in the kitchen yourself before you bring it out.
Another thing that red wine drinkers like to hear about is the vintage of the wine. Surprisingly wines produced in many countries do not taste the same year-on-year. Some years are better and others not so good. When you are drinking wines from these countries, notably "old world countries", you have to pay attention to the labels.
Suggested Technique
Always buy a red wine that has some date on the label. By "date" I don't mean "September", but rather a year that is already at least 10 years old. No, you cannot pencil this in yourself. You bring the wine in from the kitchen in its decanter and proudly exclaim, "This wine is a 2003! A very good year!" Everyone will be amazed at your expertise and sophistication. Once in a very long while, however, you will get some jerk who really knows wine and who takes issue with you.
Scenario
You: This wine is a 2003! A very good year!
Jerk: Oh... really? I think the 2002s and even the 2001s are MUCH better than the 2003s.
(Since you have no clue about vintages and 99% of your guests don't either, you need to have a quick comeback line to cover for this sort of intrusion.)
You (condescendingly): Oh, Percy, you are so right! But in those years the tannin was high, so they would need at least another 5 years of aging before they would be ready to drink. This is ready now!
And you quickly move away to pour the wine, avoiding further questions that you cannot answer.
Finally, to round out your lesson in red wines, you need to have some handy vocabulary to talk about what you are drinking. If you look at the vocabulary you are "supposed to know", you can see that remembering the right words is next to impossible.
It need not be that complicated.
Since the wines you serve are "good" and the wines your host serves are "excellent" too, you only need to have positive-sounding vocabulary to talk about red wines. It is utterly unimportant that the words you use to describe the wine be "correct" or appropriate to the wine; you simply need to have some sophisticated verbiage to bandy about to make it SEEM that you know your stuff.
This describing process can be divided into three steps:
1. smelling the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine has a well-balanced oak.
2. drinking the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine is absolutely mouth-filling.
3. after swallowing the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine has an extraordinarily long finish.
Scenario
Host: I say... old boy, I want your opinion about this claret I bought at a small chateau in France last year when I was there on vacation. The vintage is 1977, a wonderful year!
You: Oh yes... that WAS a great vintage.
Host (pouring into your glass and then looking at you with expectation): I do so want to hear your impressions.
You (smelling the wine): Oh Percy! This wine has an incredibly well-balanced oak!
Host (beaming): Yes, indeed... I thought so too. I actually let it sit uncorked for an hour before decanting, but as you can see, the nose has only been enhanced... and if I might say so, I believe the legs become more pronounced.
You: Quite.... (taking a small sip and holding it in your mouth) Oh my... this (name of wine) is absolutely mouth-filling!
Host: Rather! The balance expressed in the nose comes to full fruition in the drinking. It is remarkable.
You (swallowing and closing your eyes to savor the experience): And what an extraordinarily long finish. It seems to carry on forever.
Host: I absolutely agree. I say! Some people buy wine like pork and beans at the super market and swill it like peasants, but I knew you would appreciate this (name of wine) as I do. Here... let me recharge your glass.
You: Cheers!
I hope this short report will enhance your enjoyment of red wines and help to bring your wine appreciation skills to the high level of adulation you clearly deserve.
- - - - - - - - - -
* Expressions actually used to describe Chardonnay in wine reviews (see earlier article)
In an earlier post, I provided pertinent and polished information to help you – the wino – take advantage of the depth of your experience and become a "classy" wino, someone who can imbibe and discuss white wines with the best of them.
Conversing about white wines – the invariable choice for serious wine drinkers – is easy, however, in comparison to talking about reds. White wines are usually served chilled, rendering their taste-highlights and other features less pronounced. This means that when you describe their merits, you can get away with saying inane things like, "Oh Percy! This Chardonnay is awesome with its mineral hint of sea-salt and a lick of cold granite!*"
When drinking red wines, however, the casual sentiments favored by white wine bon viveurs fade and are replaced by dour and slitty-eyed evaluations, involving words like "fat" and "body" said with a pompous air.
Scenario (red wine sophisticates talking)
Host: I say... Percy, old boy, I want your opinion about this claret I bought at a small chateau in France last year when I was there on vacation. The vintage is 1977, a wonderful year!
Percy (swirling the glass delicately, holding it up to the light and putting his nose to it): Rather, Charles... a very full bouquet and very nice legs indeed. 1977, you say? Charming color...
Host: And how about the oak, Percy? You WILL notice the oak, won't you?
Percy (sipping with a slight chewing activity to enhance the flavors): Oh my... quite... almost a rich coffee finish, I would say.
Host (beaming): Yes... rather my thought too... precisely.
What could a wino such as yourself contribute to a conversation of this sort even if you did speak with a pompous accent? It seems impossible to ever be THAT cool, doesn't it?
But it isn't!
Yes, with only a few simple hints, you too can be the center of attention as you show off your wine expertise, a stature you have earned from your years of drinking. All you require are some basic tools to give you the appropriate finesse.
First of all, now that you have mastered white wines, we need to point out some of the differences between reds and whites.
Even while benefiting from some aging, once opened, whites can usually be drunk right away. If you think about the ones you buy, you don't stand on ceremony before serving them to your guests, do you? You press the little spigot and pour. It's simple.
Reds are different.
High-class reds have a substance in them called "tannin" which – frankly – has a bad taste. This is included during the production process so that people will buy the wine but not drink it right away, thus increasing sales. The tannin disappears with aging, so red wine buyers tend to buy wines and "lay them down" for many years, sometimes decades before drinking them. These people are called "sommeliers" from the French "somme", meaning "let sleep" and "~liers" from the root meaning "people who lay".
While I have never understood this attitude – after all, I want something to drink RIGHT NOW – it is very common among red wine sophisticates who tend to be good at postponing pleasures even unto the next generation.
If you are serving red wine to these people, you need to be sure that your wine does not have a strong, residual, tannic flavor before serving. Open your reds before the guests arrive. Immediately after removing the cork, take a sip directly from the bottle. If your mouth feels puckery, it is probably due to the fact that you drank the wine that was right next to the cork. Have another swallow. If the puckery taste continues, your wine is tannic and needs to be aired out... no... ventilated... wait... what WAS that word... breathe! Yes. The wine needs to breathe. This allows much of the tannin to dissipate into the atmosphere where it will contribute to global warming, making the next year's vintage that much better.
Suggested Technique
You can allow your wine to breathe faster by "decanting" it. This means you need to pour it from the bottle into a "decanter", another flask or narrow pitcher of a similar volume. You can do this in the kitchen and bring out the red wine in the decanter with the empty bottle alongside, showing how sophisticated you are. In fact, I would recommend decanting even if the wine is not tannic as it does make you appear very cultivated and sauve. It's bad form not to decant the whole bottle though, so if your flask doesn't quite hold all the wine, chug down the rest in the kitchen yourself before you bring it out.
Another thing that red wine drinkers like to hear about is the vintage of the wine. Surprisingly wines produced in many countries do not taste the same year-on-year. Some years are better and others not so good. When you are drinking wines from these countries, notably "old world countries", you have to pay attention to the labels.
Suggested Technique
Always buy a red wine that has some date on the label. By "date" I don't mean "September", but rather a year that is already at least 10 years old. No, you cannot pencil this in yourself. You bring the wine in from the kitchen in its decanter and proudly exclaim, "This wine is a 2003! A very good year!" Everyone will be amazed at your expertise and sophistication. Once in a very long while, however, you will get some jerk who really knows wine and who takes issue with you.
Scenario
You: This wine is a 2003! A very good year!
Jerk: Oh... really? I think the 2002s and even the 2001s are MUCH better than the 2003s.
(Since you have no clue about vintages and 99% of your guests don't either, you need to have a quick comeback line to cover for this sort of intrusion.)
You (condescendingly): Oh, Percy, you are so right! But in those years the tannin was high, so they would need at least another 5 years of aging before they would be ready to drink. This is ready now!
And you quickly move away to pour the wine, avoiding further questions that you cannot answer.
Finally, to round out your lesson in red wines, you need to have some handy vocabulary to talk about what you are drinking. If you look at the vocabulary you are "supposed to know", you can see that remembering the right words is next to impossible.
It need not be that complicated.
Since the wines you serve are "good" and the wines your host serves are "excellent" too, you only need to have positive-sounding vocabulary to talk about red wines. It is utterly unimportant that the words you use to describe the wine be "correct" or appropriate to the wine; you simply need to have some sophisticated verbiage to bandy about to make it SEEM that you know your stuff.
This describing process can be divided into three steps:
1. smelling the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine has a well-balanced oak.
2. drinking the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine is absolutely mouth-filling.
3. after swallowing the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine has an extraordinarily long finish.
Scenario
Host: I say... old boy, I want your opinion about this claret I bought at a small chateau in France last year when I was there on vacation. The vintage is 1977, a wonderful year!
You: Oh yes... that WAS a great vintage.
Host (pouring into your glass and then looking at you with expectation): I do so want to hear your impressions.
You (smelling the wine): Oh Percy! This wine has an incredibly well-balanced oak!
Host (beaming): Yes, indeed... I thought so too. I actually let it sit uncorked for an hour before decanting, but as you can see, the nose has only been enhanced... and if I might say so, I believe the legs become more pronounced.
You: Quite.... (taking a small sip and holding it in your mouth) Oh my... this (name of wine) is absolutely mouth-filling!
Host: Rather! The balance expressed in the nose comes to full fruition in the drinking. It is remarkable.
You (swallowing and closing your eyes to savor the experience): And what an extraordinarily long finish. It seems to carry on forever.
Host: I absolutely agree. I say! Some people buy wine like pork and beans at the super market and swill it like peasants, but I knew you would appreciate this (name of wine) as I do. Here... let me recharge your glass.
You: Cheers!
I hope this short report will enhance your enjoyment of red wines and help to bring your wine appreciation skills to the high level of adulation you clearly deserve.
- - - - - - - - - -
* Expressions actually used to describe Chardonnay in wine reviews (see earlier article)
Monday, December 17, 2012
Post-Apocalypse Destinations
My friends are so alert.
They reminded me that with the end of the world coming on my birthday in just a very few days, we all need to be thinking about making our post-apocalypse destination plans, our after-life arrangements.
In the Western tradition, these have been divided into two major ports of call, Heaven and Hell, with some people having a difficult and lengthy layover in Purgatory (think LAX).
What I want to do today is re-evaluate the two major resorts and help you to make your decision about where you would like to go. Remember, there isn't much time left, so you need to go ahead and make your reservations now.
And don't be prejudiced by your up-bringing.
Frankly, most of us have a really distorted view of what Heaven and Hell are like. Traditionally, we have been told that Heaven is definitely the preferred destination while Hell is a place where we will suffer for eternity. We even say that some Earthly destinations – like that hotel I visited in Lahore – are "hell holes".
Many Westerners have a vague notion that people who go to heaven get to dress up with wings and drapey white suits, play harps and generally have a good time, hanging out with the Big Cheese. Cherubims and Seraphims flit about, shooting the residents with their arrows so that they fall in love and get... no... wait... I am terribly sorry... those might be cupids and have nothing to do with Heaven. Oddly, you cannot find many images of Heaven on the Internet, but there are "descriptions" which are obviously bogus.
Hell on the other hand is fairly well-known and described in concrete detail. Images abound. Hell is where all of you bad people go: the murderers, the thieves, the people who don't separate their garbage. You burn there and get pitchforked around by demons.
Which brings me to the question about that traditional view; what exactly are demons? Are they the ones who are WORSE than you, so they get the elevated status of being the pitchforkers rather than pitchforkees? Or do YOU get to be a demon (AC in your room, free pitchforks), because you only told a lie (not a 'red card' violation in the Ten Commandments) whereas THEY did something much worse, like... said, "OMG!" (taking the lord's name in vain)?
Joking aside, I need to assure you that all of that is totally inaccurate, based as it is on what people perceive as the conditions for admission: you need to be "good" to go to Heaven, leaving the "bad" people to go to Hell. The bad PR for Hell is just so much nonsense. Even theologically it doesn't hold water, since it relies on the idea that the CEO of Hell, the Devil, would be willing to do the bidding of the CEO of Heaven, God. After all, wasn't the split in the destination monopoly precisely BECAUSE Satan would not go along with God's agenda?
Right.
We all need to get on the same page here.
First, you need to understand that both of these images are very antique. God and Satan are in competition for your after-life soul, so you need to check out both venues and make them come up with good bargains for you to choose between. To get you started, I did a quick search and this is what I arrived at.
Heaven Resort
When you enter your lavish suite in a hotel at Heaven Resort, you will be overwhelmed by the stunning view from your personal lanai, the white sandy beaches and the whole bay and distant mountains at your feet. But that is only a start. The complimentary champagne and tropical fruit basket (all organic) will provide the perfect romantic atmosphere for you and your 'special other' to kick back and enjoy the rest of eternity. Need a change of linen and towels? No worries in Heaven! Changes occur on a daily basis AND you can be sure that we follow the most stringent environmental regulations for washing them. Gather later during happy hour in the lobby and join with your fellow hotel guests, socializing and watching sports on the big screen monitors, as well as the free hors d'oeuvres (lactose and gluten intolerant friendly) and our fine wine selections from everywhere. The bars and pubs are open 24/7, but of course, non-alcoholic beverages are also available. Single? Heaven Resort specializes in single hospitality. Cherubims and Seraphims abound, so – who knows – they might shoot you with one of their arrows and help you to find that special person to share eternity with. Heaven Resort is also now LGBT friendly.
We look forward to serving you here at the Heaven Resort.
Check with your travel agent for details.
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Heaven Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Heaven Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.god.love Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Heaven Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Heaven Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Heaven Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
Then we have the brochure from Hell (that sounds bad, doesn't it.... see?... prejudice!)
Hell Resort
Entering your room, you look out the window and see a spectacular view. You also notice the remote control lying on your carefully made bed (complementary chocolates are places under your pillow everyday). You pick up the remote in wonder, and pressing a button, realize you can change your whole view (and world) from a wide assortment of popular venues!
Did you and your partner spend a romantic week on the beach in Maui? Click.
Did you meet that special person in the cathedral at York? Click.
Did you wish you had talked to that person on the train in Rome? Click.
Yes, the whole world is there at your fingertips. And don't worry that your ski wear will be out of place in the restaurants when everyone else decided on a Hawaii vacation. Clicking the remote button means you interact ONLY with those who have the same vacation destination in mind.
Free wine tastings in the lobby are just the beginning. We also provide the very best cuisine in each of our restaurants around the plaza (we accommodate any religious dietary requirements); they operate on a 24/7 basis for all eternity. For the kids there are also pizza shops and activities around the pool everyday (check with the manager for details). We look forward to serving you here at the Hell Resort!
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Hell Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Hell Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.bad.hell Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Hell Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Hell Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Hell Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
So there you have it. I know you are wondering which resort I am choosing, so let me tell you. I am going to the Lux-Lucifer Hotel on Hot Beach, and (here's an insider tip) I know that there are three suites left on the ocean-view side (these have the best remote controls).
You only have a few days left; better make your reservations for eternity now!
They reminded me that with the end of the world coming on my birthday in just a very few days, we all need to be thinking about making our post-apocalypse destination plans, our after-life arrangements.
In the Western tradition, these have been divided into two major ports of call, Heaven and Hell, with some people having a difficult and lengthy layover in Purgatory (think LAX).
What I want to do today is re-evaluate the two major resorts and help you to make your decision about where you would like to go. Remember, there isn't much time left, so you need to go ahead and make your reservations now.
And don't be prejudiced by your up-bringing.
Frankly, most of us have a really distorted view of what Heaven and Hell are like. Traditionally, we have been told that Heaven is definitely the preferred destination while Hell is a place where we will suffer for eternity. We even say that some Earthly destinations – like that hotel I visited in Lahore – are "hell holes".
Many Westerners have a vague notion that people who go to heaven get to dress up with wings and drapey white suits, play harps and generally have a good time, hanging out with the Big Cheese. Cherubims and Seraphims flit about, shooting the residents with their arrows so that they fall in love and get... no... wait... I am terribly sorry... those might be cupids and have nothing to do with Heaven. Oddly, you cannot find many images of Heaven on the Internet, but there are "descriptions" which are obviously bogus.
Hell on the other hand is fairly well-known and described in concrete detail. Images abound. Hell is where all of you bad people go: the murderers, the thieves, the people who don't separate their garbage. You burn there and get pitchforked around by demons.
Which brings me to the question about that traditional view; what exactly are demons? Are they the ones who are WORSE than you, so they get the elevated status of being the pitchforkers rather than pitchforkees? Or do YOU get to be a demon (AC in your room, free pitchforks), because you only told a lie (not a 'red card' violation in the Ten Commandments) whereas THEY did something much worse, like... said, "OMG!" (taking the lord's name in vain)?
Joking aside, I need to assure you that all of that is totally inaccurate, based as it is on what people perceive as the conditions for admission: you need to be "good" to go to Heaven, leaving the "bad" people to go to Hell. The bad PR for Hell is just so much nonsense. Even theologically it doesn't hold water, since it relies on the idea that the CEO of Hell, the Devil, would be willing to do the bidding of the CEO of Heaven, God. After all, wasn't the split in the destination monopoly precisely BECAUSE Satan would not go along with God's agenda?
Right.
We all need to get on the same page here.
First, you need to understand that both of these images are very antique. God and Satan are in competition for your after-life soul, so you need to check out both venues and make them come up with good bargains for you to choose between. To get you started, I did a quick search and this is what I arrived at.
Heaven Resort
When you enter your lavish suite in a hotel at Heaven Resort, you will be overwhelmed by the stunning view from your personal lanai, the white sandy beaches and the whole bay and distant mountains at your feet. But that is only a start. The complimentary champagne and tropical fruit basket (all organic) will provide the perfect romantic atmosphere for you and your 'special other' to kick back and enjoy the rest of eternity. Need a change of linen and towels? No worries in Heaven! Changes occur on a daily basis AND you can be sure that we follow the most stringent environmental regulations for washing them. Gather later during happy hour in the lobby and join with your fellow hotel guests, socializing and watching sports on the big screen monitors, as well as the free hors d'oeuvres (lactose and gluten intolerant friendly) and our fine wine selections from everywhere. The bars and pubs are open 24/7, but of course, non-alcoholic beverages are also available. Single? Heaven Resort specializes in single hospitality. Cherubims and Seraphims abound, so – who knows – they might shoot you with one of their arrows and help you to find that special person to share eternity with. Heaven Resort is also now LGBT friendly.
We look forward to serving you here at the Heaven Resort.
Check with your travel agent for details.
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Heaven Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Heaven Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.god.love Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Heaven Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Heaven Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Heaven Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
Then we have the brochure from Hell (that sounds bad, doesn't it.... see?... prejudice!)
Hell Resort
Entering your room, you look out the window and see a spectacular view. You also notice the remote control lying on your carefully made bed (complementary chocolates are places under your pillow everyday). You pick up the remote in wonder, and pressing a button, realize you can change your whole view (and world) from a wide assortment of popular venues!
Did you and your partner spend a romantic week on the beach in Maui? Click.
Did you meet that special person in the cathedral at York? Click.
Did you wish you had talked to that person on the train in Rome? Click.
Yes, the whole world is there at your fingertips. And don't worry that your ski wear will be out of place in the restaurants when everyone else decided on a Hawaii vacation. Clicking the remote button means you interact ONLY with those who have the same vacation destination in mind.
Free wine tastings in the lobby are just the beginning. We also provide the very best cuisine in each of our restaurants around the plaza (we accommodate any religious dietary requirements); they operate on a 24/7 basis for all eternity. For the kids there are also pizza shops and activities around the pool everyday (check with the manager for details). We look forward to serving you here at the Hell Resort!
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Hell Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Hell Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.bad.hell Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Hell Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Hell Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Hell Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
So there you have it. I know you are wondering which resort I am choosing, so let me tell you. I am going to the Lux-Lucifer Hotel on Hot Beach, and (here's an insider tip) I know that there are three suites left on the ocean-view side (these have the best remote controls).
You only have a few days left; better make your reservations for eternity now!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Three Ways Not to Appear Senile
I have written important advice here for other seniors on how to make the most of our declining years: mental health tips, for example, or more importantly, five ways not to be dead. So today too, I would like to continue this contribution to society and write about how not to appear senile.
Let's face it; when you get old, you have basically fulfilled your role on the planet, and most people would just like to see you shuffle off. Especially relatives. All they want is to get you out of the house and off in a home somewhere. If there is anything worse than being accidentally cremated (mentioned in an earlier post), it's being put into an old people's home.
So, to avoid this tragedy, you need to come up with tactics to make sure that you are not diagnosed as being senile.
What happens is fairly standard. The relatives look at you snoozing there in your armchair and at first wonder if you are dead. When they hold the mirror under your nose and see it fog up slightly, they know that you are still among the living, so they need to come up with some other way to get rid of you.
Scenario
Son-in Law: Grandpa isn't happy here; look at him snoring there in his armchair... don't you think he would be happier in a home?
Daughter: Yes, but he still seems to be alert and stuff... I would hate to send him off to a home if he can relate to us and all. And the kids seem to like him.
Son-in-Law: Really? He has seemed a little out of it to me, lately. Like that time he spilled all the wine down his shirt? That was pretty bad... especially with the Andrews over? I mean... Bob Andrews IS my boss! His wife was really upset by Grandpa's leering and all too.
Daughter: Yeah... maybe we should take him in to be tested. They have a lot of tests now to determine the mental capacity of seniors...
So suddenly you are brought in to what they call a "mental-health professional" who will determine if you are senile and ready to be shipped off to a home.
First of all, you must understand that psychiatry and mental-health evaluations are a scam. They might as well wear feathers, shake rattles and dance around you for all the good they do. But they do have standing in society, so you cannot attack them directly.
Bad Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: What day do YOU think it is, asshole?
MHP: Now now... (looking around at the relatives and shrugging his shoulders in feigned helplessness) Why don't we let ME ask the questions... do you know what day it is?
Me: It's Friday! How old are you anyway? Why are you asking all these stupid questions...
MHP: (condescendingly) Very good! Good job! Yes... It's Friday! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I usually have constipation and spend two hours on the toilet, passing something that should have been removed by caesarian section... did you really want to know?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
Anyway... you get the picture. Anything you say in your "usual" personality will be perceived as being senile and "difficult".
So, here is the game plan.
1. Don't be yourself. Even though the mental-health professional will try to draw you out and make you answer stupid questions, you must remember that s/he is trying to get you into a home. That's how they make their money. You have to be careful not to fall into their traps. Do this by asking THEM questions.
Good Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: It's Friday, of course. I really like your tie! Where did you get that by the way?
MHP: Oh! Thank you... I got it at Sears.
Me: Yes, I could sense your good taste in clothing right away.
MHP: Um... oh... yes... it's Friday, you're right! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I try to keep a strict regimen.
MHP: And what does that entail?
Me: Well.... I get up and have breakfast (don't go on and on here about WHAT you have for breakfast; nobody wants to know that you eat a bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement). I like to exercise too. What do you do? You look pretty buff for someone with a desk job.
(POINT: Always turn the conversation back at them. Ask questions. It puts them off their guard and they forget what they are trying to prove about you.)
MHP: (blushing) Well... I do work out a lot actually...
Me: Lots of push-ups I bet! Look at those shoulders!
MHP: Well... not THAT many ... only 50 each time... but I also do some free-weight training, so I think I round out my shoulders and arms pretty well.
Me: I should say! It's incredible. And how about aerobic exercises?
Son-in-law: Um... shouldn't we continue with evaluating Grandpa's mental acuity here?
MHP: He seems fine to me... take him home. Nice to meet you Mr. Pterosaurish.
2. Eventually, however, they will start asking detailed questions that involve math or some other hard to remember thing.
Bad Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to shove up your ass!
MHP: (looking helplessly at your relatives) Ha ha... yes... but how many would it actually be... in numbers, Mr. Pterosaurish... in numbers.
Me: (very poor at math) More than you would want shoved up your ass!
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
You can see how badly such a conversation can go very quickly. All the cards are stacked against you. So you need to have clever strategies to avoid the obvious pitfalls.
Good Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to buy a gelato for the grandkids! Did you know that they really like pistachio? I had no idea!
MHP: Ha ha ha! Really? That's my favorite too!
Me: No way! I always preferred chocolate myself... but anyway, didn't you have some other questions for me? (POINT: find some way to make it seem that you WANT them to ask questions, and if possible, stress "other" questions, since you are weak at math.)
MHP: Oh!... um.... no, I think that about handles it. Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me, you can take him home with you now.
3. Being senile means living in a "different reality". The mental-health professional will try to draw you out about your fantasies and make you seem like you are not living in the "real world".
Bad Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I think about fucking the woman who lives next door... if only she would lean over the fence a little more and fall over into our side of the fence. I might be able to catch her...
MHP: (loudly) I see! But... um... do you think about other things? Sports? Do you watch TV?
ME: ... and when she leans over... omg... you should see it... her blouse sort of flops open a little? and I can see down her shirt.... omg.... maybe if I had a lasso or something or ... I KNOW!! I can get my son-in-law's stupid dog to trip her up so she falls into our yard... Hey! Finders keepers, right?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
There is no way to salvage this conversation; they will put you directly into the ambulance to take you to the home.
Good Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I do the cross-word puzzles in the newspaper.
MHP: Oh.. that is so good for your mental acuity!
Son-in-law: I never saw you do them... he never does the cross-word puzzles....
Me: Oh! I don't WRITE in the newspaper, since I know you like to read it without my scribbles all over... I do them in my head.
MHP: Oh my! That is amazing! I have never met someone who does them in his head!
Son-in-law: He doesn't do it in his head... he's drunk most of the time and looking at the neighbor with those binoculars!
Me: (to the mental-health professional) Where did you get that tie? It really brings out the green in your eyes.
MHP: (blushing) I got it at Sears...
Me: I could sense immediately that you have good taste in clothes.
MHP: Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me... you can take him on home right now.
I hope these three tips have been helpful. Actually, I had intended to write five, but I forgot two of them. If I remember, however, you can be sure I will have two more ways of covering for us seniors in the interviews.
Let's face it; when you get old, you have basically fulfilled your role on the planet, and most people would just like to see you shuffle off. Especially relatives. All they want is to get you out of the house and off in a home somewhere. If there is anything worse than being accidentally cremated (mentioned in an earlier post), it's being put into an old people's home.
So, to avoid this tragedy, you need to come up with tactics to make sure that you are not diagnosed as being senile.
What happens is fairly standard. The relatives look at you snoozing there in your armchair and at first wonder if you are dead. When they hold the mirror under your nose and see it fog up slightly, they know that you are still among the living, so they need to come up with some other way to get rid of you.
Scenario
Son-in Law: Grandpa isn't happy here; look at him snoring there in his armchair... don't you think he would be happier in a home?
Daughter: Yes, but he still seems to be alert and stuff... I would hate to send him off to a home if he can relate to us and all. And the kids seem to like him.
Son-in-Law: Really? He has seemed a little out of it to me, lately. Like that time he spilled all the wine down his shirt? That was pretty bad... especially with the Andrews over? I mean... Bob Andrews IS my boss! His wife was really upset by Grandpa's leering and all too.
Daughter: Yeah... maybe we should take him in to be tested. They have a lot of tests now to determine the mental capacity of seniors...
So suddenly you are brought in to what they call a "mental-health professional" who will determine if you are senile and ready to be shipped off to a home.
First of all, you must understand that psychiatry and mental-health evaluations are a scam. They might as well wear feathers, shake rattles and dance around you for all the good they do. But they do have standing in society, so you cannot attack them directly.
Bad Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: What day do YOU think it is, asshole?
MHP: Now now... (looking around at the relatives and shrugging his shoulders in feigned helplessness) Why don't we let ME ask the questions... do you know what day it is?
Me: It's Friday! How old are you anyway? Why are you asking all these stupid questions...
MHP: (condescendingly) Very good! Good job! Yes... It's Friday! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I usually have constipation and spend two hours on the toilet, passing something that should have been removed by caesarian section... did you really want to know?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
Anyway... you get the picture. Anything you say in your "usual" personality will be perceived as being senile and "difficult".
So, here is the game plan.
1. Don't be yourself. Even though the mental-health professional will try to draw you out and make you answer stupid questions, you must remember that s/he is trying to get you into a home. That's how they make their money. You have to be careful not to fall into their traps. Do this by asking THEM questions.
Good Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: It's Friday, of course. I really like your tie! Where did you get that by the way?
MHP: Oh! Thank you... I got it at Sears.
Me: Yes, I could sense your good taste in clothing right away.
MHP: Um... oh... yes... it's Friday, you're right! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I try to keep a strict regimen.
MHP: And what does that entail?
Me: Well.... I get up and have breakfast (don't go on and on here about WHAT you have for breakfast; nobody wants to know that you eat a bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement). I like to exercise too. What do you do? You look pretty buff for someone with a desk job.
(POINT: Always turn the conversation back at them. Ask questions. It puts them off their guard and they forget what they are trying to prove about you.)
MHP: (blushing) Well... I do work out a lot actually...
Me: Lots of push-ups I bet! Look at those shoulders!
MHP: Well... not THAT many ... only 50 each time... but I also do some free-weight training, so I think I round out my shoulders and arms pretty well.
Me: I should say! It's incredible. And how about aerobic exercises?
Son-in-law: Um... shouldn't we continue with evaluating Grandpa's mental acuity here?
MHP: He seems fine to me... take him home. Nice to meet you Mr. Pterosaurish.
2. Eventually, however, they will start asking detailed questions that involve math or some other hard to remember thing.
Bad Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to shove up your ass!
MHP: (looking helplessly at your relatives) Ha ha... yes... but how many would it actually be... in numbers, Mr. Pterosaurish... in numbers.
Me: (very poor at math) More than you would want shoved up your ass!
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
You can see how badly such a conversation can go very quickly. All the cards are stacked against you. So you need to have clever strategies to avoid the obvious pitfalls.
Good Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to buy a gelato for the grandkids! Did you know that they really like pistachio? I had no idea!
MHP: Ha ha ha! Really? That's my favorite too!
Me: No way! I always preferred chocolate myself... but anyway, didn't you have some other questions for me? (POINT: find some way to make it seem that you WANT them to ask questions, and if possible, stress "other" questions, since you are weak at math.)
MHP: Oh!... um.... no, I think that about handles it. Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me, you can take him home with you now.
3. Being senile means living in a "different reality". The mental-health professional will try to draw you out about your fantasies and make you seem like you are not living in the "real world".
Bad Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I think about fucking the woman who lives next door... if only she would lean over the fence a little more and fall over into our side of the fence. I might be able to catch her...
MHP: (loudly) I see! But... um... do you think about other things? Sports? Do you watch TV?
ME: ... and when she leans over... omg... you should see it... her blouse sort of flops open a little? and I can see down her shirt.... omg.... maybe if I had a lasso or something or ... I KNOW!! I can get my son-in-law's stupid dog to trip her up so she falls into our yard... Hey! Finders keepers, right?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
There is no way to salvage this conversation; they will put you directly into the ambulance to take you to the home.
Good Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I do the cross-word puzzles in the newspaper.
MHP: Oh.. that is so good for your mental acuity!
Son-in-law: I never saw you do them... he never does the cross-word puzzles....
Me: Oh! I don't WRITE in the newspaper, since I know you like to read it without my scribbles all over... I do them in my head.
MHP: Oh my! That is amazing! I have never met someone who does them in his head!
Son-in-law: He doesn't do it in his head... he's drunk most of the time and looking at the neighbor with those binoculars!
Me: (to the mental-health professional) Where did you get that tie? It really brings out the green in your eyes.
MHP: (blushing) I got it at Sears...
Me: I could sense immediately that you have good taste in clothes.
MHP: Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me... you can take him on home right now.
I hope these three tips have been helpful. Actually, I had intended to write five, but I forgot two of them. If I remember, however, you can be sure I will have two more ways of covering for us seniors in the interviews.
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