Internet for Seniors

Today we are going to talk about the Internet and how much fun it can be for seniors to get involved in this new and exciting world. The Internet has been all the rage of late – even in the news – and I am sure that all of you out there have heard of it.
Using the Internet can bring some important benefits for you – the senior citizen – so you need to perk up and read this carefully.
(Yes, it does mean that you need to put down the Metamucil, and it's disgusting that you eat the powder directly from the package.)
I know you are asking, "What good is the Internet?"
That is a legitimate question. Thanks for asking it.
With just a few simple techniques, you – as a senior citizen – can gain a lot from using the Internet in just a few minutes a day.
"How do I do this," you ask?
It's easy!
Even *I can do it, and I am well-known to be a technology-challenged Luddite. I actually do not have an iPod or a smart phone! Can you believe it?
But despite these handicaps, let me walk you through the process of using the Internet to your advantage. It's important to "personalize" the experience so that you really get the information that YOU want without spending hours looking at stuff you don't really need.
First of all you need to turn on your computer. Once it "boots up" (technical language for "starting") you should open a "browser".
You should use the expression "boot up" several times a day to make people understand how hip you are. You can follow this example conversation!

Scenario
Prospective son-in-law: Wow! What a nice house you have here, Mr. Pterosaurish. It means so much to me to see where Natalie grew up! It makes me feel so much closer to her. Which room was hers?
Me: No way am I showing you her room....
Natalie: Oh, Daddy... don't be so silly! (smiling in a condescending way) I will show him my old room.
Me: How about I boot him up the stairs? (key phrase)
Natalie: Dad! I told you to .... grrr.... just mind your manners, OK? Why don't you go help Mom with the dinner.

Anyway, it's important to be "with it" and "cool" as you get older, and being able to use the Internet and the "lingo" associated with it is key to that image.
You want your children's friends, such as your prospective son-in-law to appreciate that you can "operate" on his level in the modern world, even though you know he's a jerk and you cannot BEAR the idea that he is sleeping with your daughter!
(sorry... we all have our pet peeves...)
And what IS it these days with these young guys? They all have tattoos and sit around for hours playing video games! And their earphones are so embedded, they would need to be surgically removed, and every time you say something, their first answer is "what?". It's really hard to relate to them! I keep telling Natalie that she needs to find a....
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I have been instructed to keep on topic here.
Sorry.
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So getting back to the Internet. There is a lot of specific information there that we seniors will find incredibly useful.
For example, did you know that you can look up people on the Internet and track down all sorts of private information about them?
Yes!
This ties in with our natural instincts to be nosy and curious about the people around us.
Let's use a real-life example to demonstrate how powerful a tool this can be!
My daughter's boyfriend, for example. His name is REDACTED
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I have been instructed to talk in more general terms here.
Sorry.
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OK, let me approach this in a more indirect sort of way.
Suppose there is someone (NOBODY WE KNOW, OK?) that you want to find out about. Let's say you want to find out about that weird neighbor Mr. Peter Flournoy who lives in that dilapidated house just two doors down.
You write his name into the search panel of Google and press return.
Then – as if by a miracle – a lot of information appears!
First of all you find out that he is a member of some stupid band
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I have been instructed to actually look up the person I mentioned above and not someone else.
Sorry.
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Mr. Peter Flournoy is a boring lawyer.
But this just gives you an example of what you can do!
And that is not all!
Suppose you want to not only find general information about someone, but really detailed stuff. What if you need to know whether someone who seems to be "your friend" is REALLY who they claim to be or maybe an escaped convict or lay-about loser that you wouldn't want ANYone in your family hanging around with.
What you can do in this case is enter "criminal record check" and the name of your city in the search box, and lo and behold, you find out that mmmmmmmmmmmm ....... mmmmmmmmm !
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to turn off my computer and help my wife with dinner.
Sorry.
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Anyway... there is a lot out there on the Internet that seniors can profit from using... go for it!

7 Steps to a Better Senior Driver

My name is Pterosaurish, and I am a Baby Boomer.
It's not my fault.
I am sure that many of you are Baby Boomers too; we have this in common.
Let's all hold hands and sing something... what was it? Kumbaya? or if you are Japanese... 戦争をしらない?
I don't actually remember the 60s... so I might be wrong about the songs.
But what I DO remember is that we DID have cars.
Ours was the first generation that grew up with cars. We even had music that featured cars.
Check this out... a song bragging about his car and then feeling regret about what happened after he bragged about the car. Are those definitive songs or what?!
We loved cars in the US.
And even though I grew up in Japan, I still loved cars in a once-removed sort of way, like you love your nice Auntie in Nebraska.
Nonetheless, we are all getting on now, and having just helped our parents quit driving and move right away to life support, suddenly... and I DO mean suddenly... we are faced with challenges in our own driving.
What could be more important to us Baby Boomers than advice about driving (other than how to make sure our life support is plugged in).
I am a seriously good driver. And I want to tell you that YOU are also a good driver. When the cops stop you, say, "I have been driving since before you were born, twit!"
This will impress them. You might want to leave out the "twit" part, but the bottom line is that we have been driving longer than anyone. It's a generational skill that we need to recognize.
But we seniors do have problems. Some of us make mistakes and bad things happen. People DIE.. even. But – hey – even youngish airplane pilots crash their jets into things. It's not just about us.
In Japan, for example, they require all drivers over the age of 70 to have a special sticker on their cars. This is based on the fundamental Japanese attitude that a sticker can solve most social problems (hello America... not ALL countries think guns are the solution).
So since I am such a good driver and since nobody has taken my license away (we boomers have fewer kids, so THAT's a plus), I can give you important advice on how to be a better driver yourself and keep driving for many more years to come.
Once again, I will do this in the ever popular numbered format. That way you know how long you have to pay attention before you fall asleep at the wheel.
1. Check out your car before you drive.
Are those tires bald? Are the wipers in good condition? What is that blood on the bumper? Is that a shirt tangled up in the exhaust pipe? And so on. Nothing makes for a better driver than knowing his or her vehicle.
2. Hold onto the steering wheel.
Let's face it: most of us have been driving since we were in our teens. We're talking a lot of years here. We have gotten blasé and lackadaisical about our driving to the point that we hold the steering wheel with our knees while we clean our sunglasses or eat a boxed lunch with chopsticks. You do that too, right?
We need to stop that and grip the steering wheel securely.
3. Avoid distractions.
When you get to be a senior driver, your mind tends to wander. "Did I turn off the gas?" or "What WAS the name of Tom Hank's role in that movie... Force something... Grump...?" and we don't pay attention to the road as well as we should.
Adding to the problem are all the jerks honking at us all the time.
You need to shut them down. You can do this by getting the proper sticker (Japan is right!). But you need to get the right one for your area.
In the deep South, you get a "Honk if you love Obama" sticker. This will definitely cut down on the annoying honking.
In Philly you get a "Honk if you love New York" sticker. In the Pacific Northwest a "Honk if you love Jesus" sticker, and in the midwest a "Honk if you hate guns" sticker.
The amount of honking at you will go down very rapidly.
4.  Look at the road.
This is related to # 3 above, but you really need to keep your eyes on the road. The super sale at the shopping center on the left or the beautiful woman walking on the right do not need your immediate attention. You must slow down and brake to a stop and THEN check them out safely.
5. Despite your stickers, some drivers will still honk at you for #4 above. Ignore them. Those people are impatient jerks who don't really have a life. Let them fester in their own hostile juices. It is very important for senior drivers to be calm and collected and not be flustered. A flustered senior is a recipe for a lot of roadkill. You might need to stop your car and walk back to the jerks who are stuck behind you, to "talk" to them about this important problem.
Will they be surprised or what? I have never seen power windows go up so fast.
6. Don't exceed the speed limit by more than 15 kph.
Take it from me; your radar detector will not work all the time (Damn, and I spent good money for it!). It's better to drive slowly and not get your license revoked for doing the little old lady from Pasadena thing, especially not in Japan. The police are polite and cheerful but they don't cut you any slack. "See this radar display? You were doing 77 kph in a 60 kph zone. Please put your fingerprint on this paper to show that you saw the display." They actually said that to me! They also didn't seem keen about being called twits.
7. Finally, there is the issue of getting sleepy behind the wheel.  We seniors do get woozy from time to time, and we can be a serious danger on the road when we are dozy at the wheel; there are no excuses you can make to cover for it.
When you get sleepy, you need to take the proper measures to make sure that you will not be caught up in a dreadful accident.
What do you do?
When you feel yourself starting to fall asleep, slow down and stay in the slow lane. Then flick on the turn indicator. You are in the slow lane, so indicate that you will be moving to the fast lane. Since you are going 40kph on a 100kph highway, this signaling will alert other drivers to you and make them worry that you might suddenly swerve into the fast lane (where they are going 160kph) at your slow speed. You won't cause any accidents for being sleepy.
All the same, pull off to the shoulder or somewhere to take a nice nap as soon as you can.
I hope that these steps will make you into the really GREAT driver I am today. There is no reason why we seniors cannot continue to drive our vehicles well into our 90s (90 is the new 60!) if we follow these few simple rules.
Good luck and don't forget that the gas pump goes into that little hole in the back of your car... not any other little hole (just saying).

The Wino's Guide to Wine Sophistication (reds)

Thank you for waiting.
In an earlier post, I provided pertinent and polished information to help you – the wino – take advantage of the depth of your experience and become a "classy" wino, someone who can imbibe and discuss white wines with the best of them.
Conversing about white wines – the invariable choice for serious wine drinkers – is easy, however, in comparison to talking about reds. White wines are usually served chilled, rendering their taste-highlights and other features less pronounced. This means that when you describe their merits, you can get away with saying inane things like, "Oh Percy! This Chardonnay is awesome with its mineral hint of sea-salt and a lick of cold granite!*"
When drinking red wines, however, the casual sentiments favored by white wine bon viveurs fade and are replaced by dour and slitty-eyed evaluations, involving words like "fat" and "body" said with a pompous air.

Scenario (red wine sophisticates talking)
Host: I say... Percy, old boy, I want your opinion about this claret I bought at a small chateau in France last year when I was there on vacation. The vintage is 1977, a wonderful year!
Percy (swirling the glass delicately, holding it up to the light and putting his nose to it): Rather, Charles... a very full bouquet and very nice legs indeed. 1977, you say? Charming color...
Host: And how about the oak, Percy? You WILL notice the oak, won't you?
Percy (sipping with a slight chewing activity to enhance the flavors): Oh my... quite... almost a rich coffee finish, I would say.
Host (beaming): Yes... rather my thought too... precisely.

What could a wino such as yourself contribute to a conversation of this sort even if you did speak with a pompous accent? It seems impossible to ever be THAT cool, doesn't it?
But it isn't!
Yes, with only a few simple hints, you too can be the center of attention as you show off your wine expertise, a stature you have earned from your years of drinking. All you require are some basic tools to give you the appropriate finesse.
First of all, now that you have mastered white wines, we need to point out some of the differences between reds and whites.
Even while benefiting from some aging, once opened, whites can usually be drunk right away. If you think about the ones you buy, you don't stand on ceremony before serving them to your guests, do you? You press the little spigot and pour. It's simple.
Reds are different. 
High-class reds have a substance in them called "tannin" which – frankly – has a bad taste. This is included during the production process so that people will buy the wine but not drink it right away, thus increasing sales. The tannin disappears with aging, so red wine buyers tend to buy wines and "lay them down" for many years, sometimes decades before drinking them. These people are called "sommeliers" from the French "somme", meaning "let sleep" and "~liers" from the root meaning "people who lay".
While I have never understood this attitude – after all, I want something to drink RIGHT NOW – it is very common among red wine sophisticates who tend to be good at postponing pleasures even unto the next generation.
If you are serving red wine to these people, you need to be sure that your wine does not have a strong, residual, tannic flavor before serving. Open your reds before the guests arrive. Immediately after removing the cork, take a sip directly from the bottle. If your mouth feels puckery, it is probably due to the fact that you drank the wine that was right next to the cork. Have another swallow. If the puckery taste continues, your wine is tannic and needs to be aired out... no... ventilated... wait... what WAS that word... breathe! Yes. The wine needs to breathe. This allows much of the tannin to dissipate into the atmosphere where it will contribute to global warming, making the next year's vintage that much better.
Suggested Technique
You can allow your wine to breathe faster by "decanting" it. This means you need to pour it from the bottle into a "decanter", another flask or narrow pitcher of a similar volume. You can do this in the kitchen and bring out the red wine in the decanter with the empty bottle alongside, showing how sophisticated you are. In fact, I would recommend decanting even if the wine is not tannic as it does make you appear very cultivated and sauve. It's bad form not to decant the whole bottle though, so if your flask doesn't quite hold all the wine, chug down the rest in the kitchen yourself before you bring it out.

Another thing that red wine drinkers like to hear about is the vintage of the wine. Surprisingly wines produced in many countries do not taste the same year-on-year. Some years are better and others not so good. When you are drinking wines from these countries, notably "old world countries", you have to pay attention to the labels.
Suggested Technique
Always buy a red wine that has some date on the label. By "date" I don't mean "September", but rather a year that is already at least 10 years old. No, you cannot pencil this in yourself. You bring the wine in from the kitchen in its decanter and proudly exclaim, "This wine is a 2003! A very good year!" Everyone will be amazed at your expertise and sophistication. Once in a very long while, however, you will get some jerk who really knows wine and who takes issue with you.

Scenario
You: This wine is a 2003! A very good year!
Jerk: Oh... really? I think the 2002s and even the 2001s are MUCH better than the 2003s.
(Since you have no clue about vintages and 99% of your guests don't either, you need to have a quick comeback line to cover for this sort of intrusion.)
You (condescendingly): Oh, Percy, you are so right! But in those years the tannin was high, so they would need at least another 5 years of aging before they would be ready to drink. This is ready now!
And you quickly move away to pour the wine, avoiding further questions that you cannot answer.

Finally, to round out your lesson in red wines, you need to have some handy vocabulary to talk about what you are drinking. If you look at the vocabulary you are "supposed to know", you can see that remembering the right words is next to impossible.
It need not be that complicated.
Since the wines you serve are "good" and the wines your host serves are "excellent" too, you only need to have positive-sounding vocabulary to talk about red wines. It is utterly unimportant that the words you use to describe the wine be "correct" or appropriate to the wine; you simply need to have some sophisticated verbiage to bandy about to make it SEEM that you know your stuff.
This describing process can be divided into three steps:
1. smelling the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine has a well-balanced oak.
2. drinking the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine is absolutely mouth-filling.
3. after swallowing the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine has an extraordinarily long finish.

Scenario
Host: I say... old boy, I want your opinion about this claret I bought at a small chateau in France last year when I was there on vacation. The vintage is 1977, a wonderful year!
You: Oh yes... that WAS a great vintage.
Host (pouring into your glass and then looking at you with expectation): I do so want to hear your impressions.
You (smelling the wine): Oh Percy! This wine has an incredibly well-balanced oak!
Host (beaming): Yes, indeed... I thought so too. I actually let it sit uncorked for an hour before decanting, but as you can see, the nose has only been enhanced... and if I might say so, I believe the legs become more pronounced.
You: Quite.... (taking a small sip and holding it in your mouth) Oh my... this (name of wine) is absolutely mouth-filling!
Host: Rather! The balance expressed in the nose comes to full fruition in the drinking. It is remarkable.
You (swallowing and closing your eyes to savor the experience): And what an extraordinarily long finish. It seems to carry on forever.
Host: I absolutely agree. I say! Some people buy wine like pork and beans at the super market and swill it like peasants, but I knew you would appreciate this (name of wine) as I do. Here... let me recharge your glass.
You: Cheers!

I hope this short report will enhance your enjoyment of red wines and help to bring your wine appreciation skills to the high level of adulation you clearly deserve.

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* Expressions actually used to describe Chardonnay in wine reviews (see earlier article)

Five Ways Not to be Dead (advice for seniors)

As we age and watch our bodies and minds decay, we cannot help but think about the end of our existence. What will it be like? Will we fly into the light like in the movies or simply have the switch flicked off?
Unknowable stuff. And depressing to even contemplate.
But we DON'T need others around us thinking, "How old is Jimmy, anyway? Shouldn't he shuffle off to his reward?"
What you really want to avoid is people thinking you are dead when you are not.
Apparently this happens all the time; guy has a sneezing fit and collapses and then wakes up in the morgue! The family all says, "We thought he was dead!"
Yeah... right.
They were LOOKING for the opportunity to declare the guy dead. I can see it clearly.

SCENARIO
Husband: Something in the air today, don't you think? I have been sneezing all day! What IS that? Pollen?
Wife: I don't notice anything....
Husband: Yeah... sneezing a lot is all... what's on the tube this evening anyway? . . . . . AH CHOOOOO!!!
(falls down and lies there for a little while)
Wife: QUICK! KIDS! Your father is finally dead. We need to load him on the truck and take him to the morgue.
[at the morgue]
Coroner: What have we got here?
Wife: My husband (sniffle sniffle)... he passed away just an hour ago. And I thought he would outlive me! (cries ostentatiously)
Coroner: Let's have a look. Say... you don't have anything to drink with you, do you?
Wife: Drink? Um.... I do have this bottle of vodka... unopened. You want some of this? It was... his... (cries again).
Coroner: Whoa! Stoli! My fave. Yes, thank you. OK. I need to do some tests here. Y'all stand back, OK? (opens bottle and swigs several times directly from the bottle)
Hmm... he definitely looks deceased. What did you say happened?
Wife: He had a kind of fit and fell over.
Coroner: OK. Good enough. I will say it was a heart attack. May I keep the bottle?
Wife: Oh sure. I don't drink.
Husband wakes up the next morning with hypothermia in the morgue.

We seniors need to be on our guard just in case people around us might think that we have passed our "best by" date.
So – once again, as a public service – I would like to give back to the community and provide helpful hints to seniors as to how not to have this happen to them.
Obviously, the basic principle is to not appear to be dead. This is often not as easy as it seems; we take naps, we fade off in our chairs in the evening. It's easy to see how grandpa might not seem to be breathing sometimes. So we need to take precautions.
1. The Favorite Chair Scenario
Clearly drifting off in your favorite chair in the evening is an open invitation for those around you to say, "Hey! He looks dead to me! Let's truck him over to the dump!" So you need to take precautions. I am recommending handcuffs. They are cheap and they will affix you to your chair so that the pesky relatives cannot easily schlep you to the dump.
2. The Afternoon Nap Scenario
Napping is a vulnerable time for us seniors. Some of us bellow and snort with sleep noises, but others are silent and – worse – stretched out in "abnormal" positions that suggest "DEAD DEAD DEAD!!" to the relatives. You need to take precautions against this. First, look around at the place where you nap. Imagine your sleeping form there; does it look deceased? You need to change it. Hold a book and sit halfway upright in bed with open eyes painted on your eyelids, for example. This will convince people that you are reading. Record your snoring friends and play the sounds when you are sleeping. This will also make your relatives stop at the door and wait for other opportunities.
3. The Narcolepsy or Sneezing Collapse Scenario
We seniors are frail and suffer from a lot of disabilities. The drugs we take alone would be enough to turn most young people into pillars of salt. Suddenly things happen to us and it is easy for those around us to "mistake" this for death.
Charming Kids: "Mom! Mom! What's wrong with Grandpa! He sneezed or something and now he is not moving!!"
Mom: He's dead! Help me carry him to the truck.
You need to think about this in advance. Wear a bracelet that says in several languages (this could – and often does – happen while traveling abroad), "I AM NOT DEAD!"
4. The "Dying" While Traveling Scenario
Many relatives will take you on an arduous trip. We seniors are vulnerable to this as we don't like to admit we cannot do the things we used to do; we pretend we are as strong as ever.
Wife: Honey? Does the thin air here at Everest Base Camp bother you?
Husband: (struggling to revive his cardiopulmonary system) GAR! GESSHHH! I.... am.... fine..... no.... problem.
Often it is more than a senior can take right away and he faints. Naturally this is looked at as an opportunity.
Wife: OMG! Harry! Are you OK?!! HARRY!! SPEAK TO ME!!! GUIDE!! HEY! Harry has fainted or something... help me!
Guide: The monks in the Jokhang Monastery would often fast for days.... what?
Wife: My husband... he has fainted.
Guide: You want coffee?
Wife: No... he is sick, ill.
Guide: I bring breakfast. You wait here.
Wife: No! I need a doctor. An ambulance!!! Hurry PLEASE!
Guide: We have, we have! I bring special perfumes for you! My cousin! He make the very best! You wait here. [Guide runs off to get cousin].
Of course, the next stop is the crematorium.
5. Don't Get Cremated Scenario
Being mistaken for dead is bad enough, but then what often happens is, rather than letting you sleep it off in the morgue, they rush out and cremate you. Now is THAT a drag or what? There is no recovery from that, so it is imperative that you prevent this from happening. There are some steps you can take. First, say you are Jewish. This makes cremation difficult. Another thing is to wear a bracelet that says you have a plutonium implant in your body. Cremation of radioactive materials is illegal in most places. These steps will allow for enough time for you to wake up in the morgue.
You: WTF?! Where AM I.
Morgue Attendant: (turning pale) 你死了！(You are dead!)
You: It's freaking cold in here. Can I get some coffee or something? What is this hotel anyway?
MA: 我必须去。(I have to go.) [runs out]

There are other things to do as well of course: eat healthy food, don't smoke, moderate your drinking (yeah...right), and so on, but the five tips above will ensure that in that emergency moment you can keep your relatives from deciding you are deceased and guarantee that you live another day!

Beauty Tips for Men

Everywhere you look there are beauty tips for women that tell them how to avoid looking old (don't wear blush on the "apples" of your cheeks) or how to look younger INSTANTLY (wear bright blush on the "apples" of your cheeks). Unfortunately, there are almost no beauty hints out there for men. As all of my friends know, I am very fashionable and up-to-date in my appearance, so this week I would like to provide 10 beauty hints for men that will keep you looking young and full of vim and vigor and increase your appeal to women.
1. Women adore men who have dramatic hair, so having lots of dramatic hair will help you to look younger. Going bald? No problem. You need to buy a toupee. Even rich and famous people like John Travolta make use of this tried and true technique for a more youthful style! Another solution is to do creative combing. Nothing will get the attention of those hot women faster than that dramatic head of hair.
2. As we age, we metabolize foods and beverages differently than we did when we were – say – 20. You can hide these developments with the right clothing. A tight fitting waistband will go a long way towards giving you that slim look that all the women crave. It helps to do a few sit-ups and not eat so much too.
3. Body hair is not popular among women today. Even famous politicians, such as Congressman Weiner, wax away their chest hair before tweeting images of themselves to avid supporters. Waxing is expensive, however, so don't be afraid to go with other cover ups, if you want to get that cool date.
4. It's a myth that women are not visually oriented. They only pretend not to notice when a hot guy walks by in sexy clothes. This means that you should stimulate this interest by wearing clothes that will set you apart from the crowd. At the beach, why not strut your stuff with this swimsuit – new for 2011? Or bring out the rip-snorting female in your women friends by greeting them at the door when they come home from work in this sexy item! They will not be able to resist your charms!
5. Muscles are also quite the rage among women these days. They all want their men to be muscled up and looking manly. While not everyone can look as good as this, you should make an effort to develop some muscles. Choose a part of your body that looks like it might have potential already and work on that at first. Be careful of which muscle group you select and try to keep some balance in your routine, however. In this photo, we can see how he has carefully developed his forearms and wrists but sadly neglected other parts of his body.
6. Tattoos are all the rage these days and VERY manly. Don't do something passé like getting an anchor or someone's name tattooed on your chest, but rather try to make a unique statement that will keep you showing your interest in your date!
7. I would be remiss here if I didn't talk a little about everyday fashion – not just the sexy statements we men should all be making on those special occasions as mentioned in # 4 above. Every man wants to be unique, so try to avoid looking like every other guy on the street! First of all, forget that boring banker look with your suit and go into work wearing something more distinctive. The woman in the next cubicle whom you have been admiring will fall head over heels in love with you!
8. Accessories are important too! Nothing will fade that fashionable suit faster than some boring watch from Sports Store Anonymous. No! You want to stand out and make a statement. Forget the watch; you have a cell phone, don't you? You need to accessorize in a provocative way. This is what the ladies want! A purse to carry your cell phone and other gear is just the ticket. These are all the rage in the Euro community where men are MEN and women like them just that way!
9. Developing a good color-sense is also important. Women appreciate men whose clothing reflects a masculine sensitivity to what goes with what. Don't always pick the obviously dramatic pairings, even subtle pastels can work well in layers together.
10. Finally, women these days like tall men. The average American man is only about 178 cm (5'10") tall, so if you are vertically challenged, don't be shy about compensating with some subtle foot wear such as these shoes! The women will only notice that they can finally look up to you!
So why not leave that "old you" behind and turn over a new beauty leaf? What have you got to lose?

How to German Wines

Last week after some hard-hitting investigation, I debunked the idea that people were shy about accurate alcohol information on their wine labels – a journalistic high moment. But that got me to thinking that maybe I should perform other public services and give back more to the community.
I did pass on information about how to understand cricket – many months ago – so in that same civic spirit, I would like to provide some useful hints about wine, specifically, how to read a German wine label.
It is a well-known fact that German wines are the most comprehensively labeled wines in the world. They provide a wealth of information, enabling the wine drinker to pick the right wine "for the job", so to speak. Regrettably, the information is in German, so the English-speaking "lay person" is at a disadvantage in deciphering what is on the label.
This is where I come in. Endless hours of research have given me unique insights into German wine-label cryptography, so I am happy to pass along a few tidbits of useful intelligence to you, the crypto-challenged "lay person".
First, good German wines are ranked according to how long the grapes have been ripening on the vines. This ranking is called "Prädikat". I cannot figure out why they put two dots over the 'a' when a plain 'a' would work just as well, but "Prädikat" means "predicate", in English. As you all know from when you studied French in high school, the predicate is actually the verb. You underline it twice when you diagram sentences, and all the other lines come off from it: the adverbs, the relative clauses, the objects of the verb and so on. So in German wine labeling, all the rankings branch off from this "verb", too.
"What are the rankings," you ask?
A very good and timely question.
The lowest ranking is "Kabinett". As you might have guessed, the word "Kabinett" in German is related to the English word "Cabinet" which itself comes from French. The French, of course, used it as "cabinet de toilette", so this wine is of a quality to be drunk in the toilet (or other "kabinetts"), preferably alone.
Let's move to the next level of quality, "Spätlese". Once again we see the 'a' with two dots over it. I really wish they would cut this out, as I have no idea how to pronounce it – even in my brain. You know what happens when you eat ice cream too fast? That is sort of what happens when I try to pronounce "Spätlese" in my head¹. Whatever the pronunciation, this ranking is a little higher than the "kabinett" one, but if you drink too much of it, you will probably "spät up", so it's best to go easy on it.
Moving right along, the next ranking is "Auslese". "Aus" means "off" in German and "lese" means "vintage", but this vintage is not "off" as we understand the word. Ha ha! This wine is good enough to take "off" the shelf in the "kabinett" – sort of like "coming out of the closet". You could even serve it to friends!
The fourth level of quality is called "Beerenauslese". We might read this in English as "beer 'n' auslese". Like "Auslese" above, this one is definitely good enough to serve guests, but should be drunk with beer. Those Germans! I would recommend a small glass of the wine followed by a stein of beer drunk as a chaser.
Next up the chain of command, so to speak, is "Eiswein". This means exactly what it sounds like, "ice wine". Although most of us would NEVER EVER put ice in our wines, in Germany this is what is required for this wine. It is so concentrated in its flavor that you should add ice to it to "weäken or dilüte it" before drinking.
The final level of quality is called "Trockenbeerenauslese". "Trocken" is German for "dry". This is also a wine that – as with simple "Beerenauslese" – you drink with beer. The difference is that you must drink both the bottle of wine and the stein of beer "dry". It is a cultural thing similar to the Japanese "kampai" or the Chinese "Gan bei" which means to "dry your cup", except you are dealing with a much larger volume, since you have to kill the whole bottle PLUS the large stein of beer. Be careful about "Späting" this one up too.
I hope these simple hints have been useful for you and that next time when you go to your local wine shop you will be able to casually bandy about these terms with the wine merchant, demonstrating how you have graduated from "lay person" to "person" in the wine world!
Cheers! Or as they say in Swedish, skål. It just goes to show that you can put a lot of things over the 'a' in other languages. Be thankful that you speak English and don't need to worry about them.

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¹ For you Japanese-speakers, it would be like trying to pronounce カ° .

10 Weight-losing and Orgasmic Tips to Writing Advice-Essay Titles

One thing I have noticed, living in the USA is that everyone here is really into self-help. Magazine covers in the checkout line at the supermarket shout, "How to Get 20 lbs of Cellulite Off Your Butt In Ten Minutes!" and "10 Ways to Fit That Bikini by the 4th of July Weekend!" The internet too, is simply swimming with advice on how to make your life better. Check out how to pick up women on the airplane.
This one is even more pertinent in today's bad job market: how not to get fired. It's important to remember that the title is what counts. The content doesn't have to be incisive.
Tip number one for how not to get fired? Do your job.
Duh.
It's easy to write an advice essay; even you can do it at home in your spare time and make lots of money. But to get readers to pay attention, you need to have that eye-catcher!
So without further ado, let's look at how to create fantastic titles!
1. One key to a catchy column is to have a number. This makes it easy to follow and allows the reader to decide how much attention span is needed to read the whole thing. Round numbers are better, more approachable somehow.
"10 Ways to Eat All You Want and Not Look Like the Graf Zeppelin" is better than, say, "23 Ways to Find Out if You Have Irritable Bowel Syndrome".
2. Adding a celebrity's name to your title will also get attention. You have to tie the celebrity to your readers' realities though, so "Angelina's Brave Hints for Achieving Orgasm with Brad" will not have the broader appeal of "John Travolta's Struggle with Thigh Friction".
3. A surprising title is good too. You want to get people's attention. Stating the obvious in your title, no matter how round your numbers are, will not work in today's America. So "5 Steps to Getting Drunk" is not as good as "5 Ways to Get Drunk for Free".
4. People in the US are very concerned about their weight. The planet could be in mortal danger from an approaching asteroid, but Americans would still be buying magazines with articles entitled, "Get That Flat Abdomen by Next Summer". So it's a good idea to suggest a weight theme in your title: "How to Avoid Gangrene in an Economy Class Seat".
5. America is a "can do" nation, and nobody wants to hear that something is difficult, or even impossible. You need to make these things sound like a lark. Don't get too carried away with it, however. "How to Lose 150 lbs by Next Weekend" is simply over the top. Nobody will believe that such a thing is even remotely possible and will not read your article. A better title would be "New Weight Loss Miracle Will Get You Into that Bikini by Next Weekend". The magazines will literally fly off the shelves! "No Pain, No Gain" is a bad title for a popular article on exercising tips. Only the serious physical fitness buff wants to experience pain. Much better would be "Shed 10 lbs a Week in Only Two Minutes a Day". It's not necessary to reveal in the title that the 2 minutes a day are the only time you are allowed to eat.
6. Diets are hugely popular. There are new ones popping up literally every week, so you need to make yours sound unique and – most importantly – easy. Nobody wants to read "Lose Weight by Not Eating So Much You Fat Pig!" What they want is, "The Chocolate Cake Diet" or "The All You Can Eat Way to a Slimmer You".
7. Romance and relationships are right up there with dieting and weight loss in the advice articles. Again, being too obvious will limit your readership. "Why You Shouldn't Pick Your Feet on the First Date", for example, is too narrow and appeals only to a limited audience of really troubled people. It would be much better to expand your readership possibilities with "How Ugly, Fat Guys get the Gorgeous Women", or "How Losers Find Love". Your readers will feel superior right away but read your article just in case.
8. Making people worry about something that they didn't even know existed is also a good tactic. "How Your Large Intestine May be Holding You Back in Your Career", for example, would be a brilliant title for a self-help article. Causing suspicion is a correlative line to this theme: "What Your Doctor is Not Revealing to You about Your Ureter", or "Why Your Therapist Won't Tell You You're Hopeless".
9. Appealing to (if that is the proper expression) your readers' feelings of inadequacy or dread is a surefire way to be successful. For men: "Why You Will Always Fall Short in Bed" or for women: "Why Your Man will Stray". Sowing fear can be a successful approach as well, "How Your Shower can Cause Hemorrhagic Shock".
10. Finally, using the word "orgasm" will guarantee a large readership, "The Orgasmic Way to Cook Oatmeal", or "The Orgasmic Way to Weight Loss". The first would be a practical article for home keepers, while the second would have a broader appeal to millions of Americans.
So there you have it – 10 title writing tips to set you on your way to a great advice essay!

Cricket 101

Today we are going to take a fascinating look at cricket. I am sure that all of you are aware of this stimulating game and are eager to find out more about it, so you can make sense of the news reports as I do on a regular, even daily basis! (Yes, I am actually THAT cool.)
A good place to start – for those of you who do not regularly read the cricket news – is to quote from the Daily Yomiuri newspaper, an English-language paper published by a major Japanese news organization. This is from the Saturday, December 4th edition. I will explain everything later in "layman's terms".
(these are actual quotes)
First the headline:
Australia Dismissed for Dreary 245 to Start 2nd Test
Then some key points:
Play started in an incredible fashion when Jonathon Trott threw down the stumps from mid-wicket to run out Katich, who did not face a ball.
The excitement builds:
Hussey and Marcus North then made comfortable, if unspectacular, progress before the latter was dismissed for 26 when he nicked a Steven Finn delivery behind while attempting to guide the ball to third man.
Later in the game:
Swan bowled 23 overs in an uninterrupted session either side of tea before making the key breakthrough later in the third session, prompting Hussey to edge to Paul Collingwood at slip.
The explanation:
Now I know that all of you want to be able to read the above as I do and completely understand what it is they are writing about. There are some key things to be aware of that will help you to understand cricket reports.
1. They are written in English. Yes. This may seem doubtful as you read the sentences above, but apparently this is English.
2. There are some vocabulary items you need to remember in order to understand cricket. As I am totally "up" on cricket AND (lucky you) an English teacher, I can list and define them below:
First the headline:
dismissed = sent to the closet for time out
dreary = actually not bad, but we want to look down on them because they are Australian
Key points:
(to) throw down the stumps = (to) throw down the stumps (duh)
mid-wicket = not the top nor the bottom part of the wicket – just the middle bit. On a cow, this would be the sirloin. (If I could draw a picture I would, believe me.)
(to) not face a ball = (to) not look at that part of the cow we call "rocky mountain oysters"... or is that sheep... something like that. :-)
Then we move to the next part of the match. This requires some serious glossing for the "lay person" to understand.
(to) nick a delivery behind = er... this ties into the condom thing with the Pope and all. If he is wearing a condom it's ok, but if not... then he must be "dismissed" (see above).
(to) guide the ball to third man = this is something we cannot talk about on a "family blog" like this. Take it from me; you don't want to know.
Later in the Game:
(to) bowl overs = this is a euphemism for other things we cannot mention on a "family blog" like this one. Maybe I can rephrase it in a more acceptable way? Let's see... you know the expression "(to) bowl (someone) over"? In cricket, it is similar in meaning except you do things that require the wearing of a condom (unless you are the Pope), if you want to score a point. I hope I have not offended you. I really do try to keep this a "family blog".
either side of tea = I actually have no idea about this. Do they get to choose which side? If it is both sides, why don't they say "both sides of tea"? And what does tea have to do with it anyway. It must be a euphemism for something; I just don't know what!
(to) edge (someone) at slip = This one is complicated. You see, some members of the team have to cross-dress. These are the ones who wear slips and who also "bowl overs" (if you get my drift). If a non-cross-dressing player edges one of their slips s/he gets a point unless it is "nicked from behind" without a condom. In that case, s/he loses a point.
And that's it!
Now that you know the basic vocabulary, you are all set to start reading the cricket news! Of course we could not cover all the items in this short lesson, but if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!