After promises by Head Coach Okada to make it to the final 8, the Japanese World Cup soccer team once again came up short of expectations. Time was that Japan's players being naturally smaller and lighter than the heavy-weights from Germany and Brazil had a built-in excuse for their lack of success. But nowadays with two goal keepers and a couple of other players over 182 cm (6 ft) tall, the disadvantage in height around the goal box has been lessened. Deficits in weight and muscle have been compensated for by a fast-paced, run-'em-into-the-ground "Japanese style" of play.
So what's missing?
Cat poop.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Cat poop is what the Japanese team lacks in its quest for World Cup glory. You see, cat poop contains a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii. This parasite lodges in the brains of its victims and can cause changes in animal – including human – behavior. Most interesting is the apparent connection between rates of toxoplasmosis infection and soccer performance. Let me quote Slate Magazine where I first stumbled upon this information.
"Rank the top 25 FIFA team countries by Toxo rate and you get, in order from the top: Brazil (67 percent), Argentina (52 percent), France (45 percent), Spain (44 percent), and Germany (43 percent). Collectively, these are the teams responsible for eight of the last 10 World Cup overall winners. Spain, the only one of the group never to have won a cup, is no subpar outlier—the Spaniards have the most World Cup victories of any perpetual runner-up." (Posted Thursday, July 1, 2010, at 7:26 PM ET)
And who won the World Cup this year? Spain! Clearly infection with toxoplasmosis is the route to World Cup success.
So how does this infection take place? While toxoplasma gondii can be found in many places, cat poo is one of the best sources of the parasite. The Japanese players are simply not getting enough cat poo in their lives to turn them into the rip-snorting competitors they need to be to win consistently on the world stage.
What can be done?
Obviously the best procedure would be to serve cat poo at the team's training table, but since the "poo bento" might not go down well with the players, another approach has to be considered. Despite the team's nickname of "Samurai Blue", the sacrifices expected of samurai of old cannot be expected of the modern generation.
I remember that when my wife was pregnant, we read that the risk of toxoplasmosis to the unborn was very high. This meant that I was relegated to the task of kitty litter box cleaning for the entire 9 months (at least). While this additional chore did not turn ME into a soccer champ, it might well have protected our son from brain damage or potential blindness.
So my solution is for Japanese National Team members each to be given a cat to take care of. They should be asked to routinely clean the litter boxes as part of their training. Another tactic to make this therapy more acceptable would be to send out an appeal for donations of used kitty litter from around the country and use this material as a soccer pitch covering. The running around, tackling, and rolling in the used kitty litter surface would undoubtedly provide that all-important exposure to the toxoplasma parasite.
Introducing this regimen at the national team level, however, might be too late. To assure a steady supply of infected athletes, used kitty litter should be the surface of choice for all J-League venues as well as on public school playgrounds around the nation. (An added benefit to this policy would be the recycling of used kitty litter and removing it from precious landfill areas.)
Within as few as 10 years, toxoplasmosis infection rates would reach the lofty heights of the Brazilians and other world leaders, and then Japan too would be confidently taking its well-earned place on the World Cup podium, raising the coveted trophy to the stands of admiring spectators.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Privacy in Japan (answers to last post too)
People often ask me what Japan "is like", and while the superficial is easy to explain – the weather, the topography, etc – the major differences are harder to get a grasp on. What really is different between technologically advanced Japan and the modern US? One of the clear cultural divergences is the concept of privacy.
An online dictionary defines 'privacy' as "the quality or condition of being secluded from the presence or view of others". While this covers most of the bases for the native-English reader, it comes up a little short when applied to Japan. The point that is lacking is that in the US, the "secluded from the presence or view of others" includes an element of "the others" not caring about you and your activities. In overgrown-village Japan, this part – and most of the others too – are missing.
The obvious: You make an appointment and then go to the physician's office to get checked out for something. You wait in the waiting room – maybe there are one or two other people there – and finally are introduced through a thick door into the presence of the doctor who asks after your condition. You share the private information about your illness or complaint. S/he checks you out, prescribes some medicine and sends you on your way.
Simple enough. So simple it seems as if no other way is actually possible.
In Japan, there are "other ways".
The usual scenario in Japan: You go into the clinic and sit in the waiting room along with quite a few other people. It is rare for a Japanese doctor to make appointments, so you just show up with your physical ailment on the day and hope that you don't have to wait too long in a room filled with coughing children. Before long, a nurse will come over to your side.
Let me outline the conversation for you. Keep in mind that the waiting room is full of people and that because you are a foreigner, everyone has taken a keen interest in you – awww.... they care.
Nurse: Good afternoon, Mr. Brown (I have turned in my health card, so they know my name.)
Me: (already starting to cringe) Uh... good afternoon...
Nurse: So... what seems to be the problem?
Me: (trying to whisper without whispering) Uh... it's this diarrhea...
Nurse: (speaking in a normal (i.e. too loud) voice) DIARRHEA?!!! HOW BAD IS IT, ACTUALLY, MR. BROWN?!!!
Me: (reverting to the whisper again) ... well.... several times a day...
Nurse: SEVERAL TIMES A DAY?!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY BLOOD IN YOUR STOOL?!!! DO YOU EXPERIENCE ANY CRAMPING, MR. BROWN?!!!
Me: (feeling the blood of profound embarrassment rushing to my face) ... well.... maybe three or four times a day... no blood... not much cramping...
Nurse: (making a note on her chart) I SEE! THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY BUT NO BLOOD AND ONLY A LITTLE CRAMPING!!!! HAVE YOU EATEN ANYTHING UNUSUAL OF LATE, MR. BROWN?!!!
(her voice seems to echo as if over a PA system in a stadium: ... Mr. Brown ..wn ... wn?)
Me: ... no...nothing unusual.
Nurse: WHAT COLOR IS THE DIARRHEA, MR. BROWN?!! IS IT BLACK?!! HOW ABOUT THE CONSISTENCY?!! IS IT REALLY RUNNY OR JUST RATHER SOFTER THAN USUAL?!!!
Me: (trying not to cry) ... it doesn't seem to be of an unusual color but it is very runny... like a liquid...
Nurse: (making more notes) I SEE!! NOT AN UNUSUAL COLOR, BUT IT'S VERY RUNNY LIKE A LIQUID, IS IT, MR. BROWN?!!! Here take your temperature with this thermometer. The doctor will see you shortly.
Then I sit there for 15 more minutes while everyone in the room looks at me with pity, imagining how BAD it must be for me.
A patient is not ushered into the doctor's office directly, however. The door off the main waiting room opens into a small, closet-sized, dressing cubicle with a chair. Since I do not need to disrobe, I am told to sit and wait for the doctor to call me from the inner chamber.
I sit. It's quiet. The cubicle walls are really only a partition, and the door is thin. I can hear the doctor consulting with the patient before me.
Doctor: SO IS THAT VIAGRA WORKING OK, MR. SATO?!!!
Patient: (cringing) (yes, I can hear the cringe) ...um... yes, it seems to do the trick.
Doctor: EXCELLENT!!! AND YOUR PENIS GETS NICE AND HARD, DOES IT?!!
Patient: ... it seems to work fine... yes... thank you.
Doctor: NO HEADACHES OR BLUE LIGHTS IN YOUR EYES, MR. SATO?!!
Patient: ...um...no... nothing.
Doctor: AND THEN DOES YOUR PENIS GO DOWN RIGHT AWAY AFTER YOU HAVE SEX?!!!
Patient: ... um... yes.... yes, it does.
(is he crying in there?)
Doctor: OK THEN!! I think you will be ok with this dose for a while. BUT DON'T TAKE MORE THAN ONE A DAY, OK? IF THE DOSE IS NOT ENOUGH AND YOU HAVE TROUBLE WITH YOUR PENIS AGAIN, MR. SATO, I WILL PRESCRIBE A BIGGER AMOUNT!!!
Patient: ... thank you, doctor.
And he exits from a second door out of the doctor's office.
Doctor: MR. BROWN?!!
And you can imagine the rest. When it is all over with the doctor, I retreat to the waiting room, trying hard not to look for Mr. Sato, and hoping I am called to pay my bill, before the next patient after me comes back into the waiting room.
Maybe Japanese really "don't care", but I don't think so. In a culture where the word "privacy" itself did not exist until English came along and where rooms in homes were commonly partitioned by thin, paper doors, the concept of privacy as the West knows it is weak, and the need to pretend not to hear is strong. It is this pretense of not hearing that is the difference. People hear – often with great interest, but they pretend not to have heard to save face for everyone concerned – even the embarrassed, red-faced foreigner, me.
I never hurt nobody but myself and that's nobody's business but my own.
Billie Holiday
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Answers and scoring for the last post, Guess That Thing:
1. We’re
b. car
2. BM
d. coffee drink
3. Sting
a. chewing gum
4. That’s
a. car
5. Bow Dom Bow! Bow!
a. condom
6. Naked
c. car
7. No Time
b. sugarless chewing gum
8. HiLux Surf
c. car
9. Hard Off
d. used goods store
10. Guppy
c. car
11. FibeMini
d. high fiber drink
12. Ipsum
a. car
13. Today Humming
b. small car
14. Pork Joy
b. gardening gloves
15. Soft in One
a. shampoo with conditioner
16. Winky Soft
b. non-dairy creamer
17. Legnum
a. car
18. Fresh Mate Touch
c. a moist towelette
19. VOICE
b. car
20. Ist (pronounced eesto)
a. car
How to score:
17 or more correct : you have lived in Japan way too long!
14~16: aim for a job in a Japanese advertising company!
11~15: maybe some latent Japanese DNA?
6~10: I donno... ESP?
5 or less: um... hate to break this to you, but 1 out of 4 is what a pigeon would get.
An online dictionary defines 'privacy' as "the quality or condition of being secluded from the presence or view of others". While this covers most of the bases for the native-English reader, it comes up a little short when applied to Japan. The point that is lacking is that in the US, the "secluded from the presence or view of others" includes an element of "the others" not caring about you and your activities. In overgrown-village Japan, this part – and most of the others too – are missing.
The obvious: You make an appointment and then go to the physician's office to get checked out for something. You wait in the waiting room – maybe there are one or two other people there – and finally are introduced through a thick door into the presence of the doctor who asks after your condition. You share the private information about your illness or complaint. S/he checks you out, prescribes some medicine and sends you on your way.
Simple enough. So simple it seems as if no other way is actually possible.
In Japan, there are "other ways".
The usual scenario in Japan: You go into the clinic and sit in the waiting room along with quite a few other people. It is rare for a Japanese doctor to make appointments, so you just show up with your physical ailment on the day and hope that you don't have to wait too long in a room filled with coughing children. Before long, a nurse will come over to your side.
Let me outline the conversation for you. Keep in mind that the waiting room is full of people and that because you are a foreigner, everyone has taken a keen interest in you – awww.... they care.
Nurse: Good afternoon, Mr. Brown (I have turned in my health card, so they know my name.)
Me: (already starting to cringe) Uh... good afternoon...
Nurse: So... what seems to be the problem?
Me: (trying to whisper without whispering) Uh... it's this diarrhea...
Nurse: (speaking in a normal (i.e. too loud) voice) DIARRHEA?!!! HOW BAD IS IT, ACTUALLY, MR. BROWN?!!!
Me: (reverting to the whisper again) ... well.... several times a day...
Nurse: SEVERAL TIMES A DAY?!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY BLOOD IN YOUR STOOL?!!! DO YOU EXPERIENCE ANY CRAMPING, MR. BROWN?!!!
Me: (feeling the blood of profound embarrassment rushing to my face) ... well.... maybe three or four times a day... no blood... not much cramping...
Nurse: (making a note on her chart) I SEE! THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY BUT NO BLOOD AND ONLY A LITTLE CRAMPING!!!! HAVE YOU EATEN ANYTHING UNUSUAL OF LATE, MR. BROWN?!!!
(her voice seems to echo as if over a PA system in a stadium: ... Mr. Brown ..wn ... wn?)
Me: ... no...nothing unusual.
Nurse: WHAT COLOR IS THE DIARRHEA, MR. BROWN?!! IS IT BLACK?!! HOW ABOUT THE CONSISTENCY?!! IS IT REALLY RUNNY OR JUST RATHER SOFTER THAN USUAL?!!!
Me: (trying not to cry) ... it doesn't seem to be of an unusual color but it is very runny... like a liquid...
Nurse: (making more notes) I SEE!! NOT AN UNUSUAL COLOR, BUT IT'S VERY RUNNY LIKE A LIQUID, IS IT, MR. BROWN?!!! Here take your temperature with this thermometer. The doctor will see you shortly.
Then I sit there for 15 more minutes while everyone in the room looks at me with pity, imagining how BAD it must be for me.
A patient is not ushered into the doctor's office directly, however. The door off the main waiting room opens into a small, closet-sized, dressing cubicle with a chair. Since I do not need to disrobe, I am told to sit and wait for the doctor to call me from the inner chamber.
I sit. It's quiet. The cubicle walls are really only a partition, and the door is thin. I can hear the doctor consulting with the patient before me.
Doctor: SO IS THAT VIAGRA WORKING OK, MR. SATO?!!!
Patient: (cringing) (yes, I can hear the cringe) ...um... yes, it seems to do the trick.
Doctor: EXCELLENT!!! AND YOUR PENIS GETS NICE AND HARD, DOES IT?!!
Patient: ... it seems to work fine... yes... thank you.
Doctor: NO HEADACHES OR BLUE LIGHTS IN YOUR EYES, MR. SATO?!!
Patient: ...um...no... nothing.
Doctor: AND THEN DOES YOUR PENIS GO DOWN RIGHT AWAY AFTER YOU HAVE SEX?!!!
Patient: ... um... yes.... yes, it does.
(is he crying in there?)
Doctor: OK THEN!! I think you will be ok with this dose for a while. BUT DON'T TAKE MORE THAN ONE A DAY, OK? IF THE DOSE IS NOT ENOUGH AND YOU HAVE TROUBLE WITH YOUR PENIS AGAIN, MR. SATO, I WILL PRESCRIBE A BIGGER AMOUNT!!!
Patient: ... thank you, doctor.
And he exits from a second door out of the doctor's office.
Doctor: MR. BROWN?!!
And you can imagine the rest. When it is all over with the doctor, I retreat to the waiting room, trying hard not to look for Mr. Sato, and hoping I am called to pay my bill, before the next patient after me comes back into the waiting room.
Maybe Japanese really "don't care", but I don't think so. In a culture where the word "privacy" itself did not exist until English came along and where rooms in homes were commonly partitioned by thin, paper doors, the concept of privacy as the West knows it is weak, and the need to pretend not to hear is strong. It is this pretense of not hearing that is the difference. People hear – often with great interest, but they pretend not to have heard to save face for everyone concerned – even the embarrassed, red-faced foreigner, me.
I never hurt nobody but myself and that's nobody's business but my own.
Billie Holiday
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Answers and scoring for the last post, Guess That Thing:
1. We’re
b. car
2. BM
d. coffee drink
3. Sting
a. chewing gum
4. That’s
a. car
5. Bow Dom Bow! Bow!
a. condom
6. Naked
c. car
7. No Time
b. sugarless chewing gum
8. HiLux Surf
c. car
9. Hard Off
d. used goods store
10. Guppy
c. car
11. FibeMini
d. high fiber drink
12. Ipsum
a. car
13. Today Humming
b. small car
14. Pork Joy
b. gardening gloves
15. Soft in One
a. shampoo with conditioner
16. Winky Soft
b. non-dairy creamer
17. Legnum
a. car
18. Fresh Mate Touch
c. a moist towelette
19. VOICE
b. car
20. Ist (pronounced eesto)
a. car
How to score:
17 or more correct : you have lived in Japan way too long!
14~16: aim for a job in a Japanese advertising company!
11~15: maybe some latent Japanese DNA?
6~10: I donno... ESP?
5 or less: um... hate to break this to you, but 1 out of 4 is what a pigeon would get.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Guess That Thing
When it comes to English study in Japan, it can be safely said -- to paraphrase Winston Churchill -- that NEVER has so much been done by so many for so little. But one result of this infatuation with things English is that a lot of products come with "English" names.
I have been playing this guessing game with my sister for years, and now get to share it with you.
What is the item.
1. We’re
a. condom
b. car
c. lipstick
d. soft drink
2. BM
a. laxative drink
b. car
c. adult diaper
d. coffee drink
3. Sting
a. chewing gum
b. bug spray
c. chocolate mint
d. deodorant
4. That’s
a. car
b. restaurant
c. cookie
d. soft drink
5. Bow Dom Bow! Bow!
a. condom
b. dog biscuit
c. instant cup-noodle
d. flea spray for cats
6. Naked
a. makeup brand
b. wash-off tattoos
c. car
d. brand of women’s underwear
7. No Time
a. condom
b. sugarless chewing gum
c. cellular phone
d. spot remover
8. HiLux Surf
a. hot spring hotel
b. laundry detergent
c. car
d. disposable diaper
9. Hard Off
a. love hotel
b. travel agent
c. off track betting
d. used goods store
10. Guppy
a. sports drink
b. panty hose
c. car
d. toilet paper
11. FibeMini
a. small car with four doors and a hatch back
b. stockings to be worn with a very short skirt
c. fashion magazine
d. high fiber drink
12. Ipsum
a. car
b. meat dumpling
c. chocolate
d. dish detergent
13. Today Humming
a. electric toothbrush
b. small car
c. portable CD player
d. printer
14. Pork Joy
a. bacon-flavored snack
b. gardening gloves
c. car
d. instant noodles
15. Soft in One
a. shampoo with conditioner
b. bread with jam inside
c. hemorrhoid suppository
d. cat food
16. Winky Soft
a. tissue paper
b. non-dairy creamer
c. breakfast roll
d. disposable diaper
e. what happens when you forget your viagra (just kidding about that one, folks)
17. Legnum
a. car
b. bath salt
c. cookie
e. health drink
18. Fresh Mate Touch
a. a condom
b. a non-dairy creamer
c. a moist towelette
e. a skin cream
19. VOICE
a. chocolate sandwich cookie
b. car
c. mouthwash
d. toilet cleaner
20. Ist (pronounced eesto)
a. car
b. dinner rolls
c. vitality drink
d. television
The answers and a scoring analysis will appear in a later post. :-)
Also check out other English oddities here. Not all of them are in Japan, however.
I have been playing this guessing game with my sister for years, and now get to share it with you.
What is the item.
1. We’re
a. condom
b. car
c. lipstick
d. soft drink
2. BM
a. laxative drink
b. car
c. adult diaper
d. coffee drink
3. Sting
a. chewing gum
b. bug spray
c. chocolate mint
d. deodorant
4. That’s
a. car
b. restaurant
c. cookie
d. soft drink
5. Bow Dom Bow! Bow!
a. condom
b. dog biscuit
c. instant cup-noodle
d. flea spray for cats
6. Naked
a. makeup brand
b. wash-off tattoos
c. car
d. brand of women’s underwear
7. No Time
a. condom
b. sugarless chewing gum
c. cellular phone
d. spot remover
8. HiLux Surf
a. hot spring hotel
b. laundry detergent
c. car
d. disposable diaper
9. Hard Off
a. love hotel
b. travel agent
c. off track betting
d. used goods store
10. Guppy
a. sports drink
b. panty hose
c. car
d. toilet paper
11. FibeMini
a. small car with four doors and a hatch back
b. stockings to be worn with a very short skirt
c. fashion magazine
d. high fiber drink
12. Ipsum
a. car
b. meat dumpling
c. chocolate
d. dish detergent
13. Today Humming
a. electric toothbrush
b. small car
c. portable CD player
d. printer
14. Pork Joy
a. bacon-flavored snack
b. gardening gloves
c. car
d. instant noodles
15. Soft in One
a. shampoo with conditioner
b. bread with jam inside
c. hemorrhoid suppository
d. cat food
16. Winky Soft
a. tissue paper
b. non-dairy creamer
c. breakfast roll
d. disposable diaper
e. what happens when you forget your viagra (just kidding about that one, folks)
17. Legnum
a. car
b. bath salt
c. cookie
e. health drink
18. Fresh Mate Touch
a. a condom
b. a non-dairy creamer
c. a moist towelette
e. a skin cream
19. VOICE
a. chocolate sandwich cookie
b. car
c. mouthwash
d. toilet cleaner
20. Ist (pronounced eesto)
a. car
b. dinner rolls
c. vitality drink
d. television
The answers and a scoring analysis will appear in a later post. :-)
Also check out other English oddities here. Not all of them are in Japan, however.
Hang a Pink Ribbon (more strange Japan)
In the US, the ribbon twisted upon itself has become a symbol of remembrance: our troops, victims of cancer, minority rights. On a drive in Japan this weekend, I saw the ultimate ribbon. From a distance – just another pink ribbon, but I got closer and was able to read its inscription: Remember Pink Ribbon.
A self-remembering remembrance.
A self-remembering remembrance.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Sumo Scandal
The sumo wrestling world is in turmoil. Wrestlers have been caught placing bets on baseball games with "gangsters" and already one high-ranked wrestler has been fired, and a dozen others suspended from the on-going tournament in Nagoya. NHK, the national broadcasting service, has decided to "punish" the sumo association by withdrawing live coverage of the tournament and instead offers only a digest after the day's bouts are finished. The coveted Emperor's Cup will not be awarded to the winner of the tournament either - a move designed to further punish this ancient Japanese sport.
On the news yesterday (July 13), it was revealed that sumo wrestlers' contacts with criminal organizations had been established by the discovery - in a police raid - of a name card from a "known criminal".
Which got me to wondering. What kind of name card would a member of a criminal gang carry?
Criminal organizations in Japan are designated as such by the national government, so clearly whether one's gang was a "designated" gang would be important information to have on one's name card. The name of your criminal organization would also be essential; one would not want to be confused with some other gang's members. The address of your main office would be a must, of course! What would be the point of passing out name cards if they didn't provide information about how to get in touch with you.
With all this in mind, I have recreated (in English) what the name card must look like, the pterosaurish scoop of the day!
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