What? Cat's got your brain?

I have reported here before about the benefits of promoting national cat-ownership* rates, including enhanced performance in soccer competitions. Clearly someone has been paying attention, as the Japanese women's team has – against all predictions – won the World Cup. The fact that leading player Sawa Homare has a Scottish Fold provides striking evidence of the efficacy of the strategy I proposed.
Recently, however, it has been brought to my attention that being around cats may increase the suicide and self-destructive rates among women. While it might be facile to say that a component of self-destructiveness may be fearlessness, and fearlessness is critical to aggressive and successful play on the soccer pitch, serious writers like myself cannot allow ourselves to be sucked into presenting superficial explanations for complicated issues. We have Fox news to do that for us.
The details of this problem are highly technical, so let me describe them in layman's terms. There is a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii which lives part of its life cycle in rats and then also in cats. The parasite has an unusual effect on the rats' brains, causing them to lose their fear of cats and, indeed, to be stimulated rather than repelled by the smell of cat urine. This allows the cats to catch and eat them more easily, thus ensuring the continued life cycle of the parasite.
"What does that have to do with us humans," you ask?
An excellent question, proving that you are paying attention.
Obviously we humans don't eat cats, so the parasite infects us through the handling of things which have been infected with cat poo. This includes kitty litter, for example, but also unwashed vegetables and so on from infected areas.
The parasite affects our brains too, but not in the way it was reported in the link shown above.
Far from it.
Other research shows that France has one of the highest contagion levels of toxoplasmosis in the developed world, with some areas reporting a 47% infection rate. A quick look at international suicide stats, however, indicates that French women do not commit suicide at a significantly higher rate than the women of other countries. Brazil is also alleged to have high infection rates of this parasite (consider the quality of THAT country's soccer players!), but their suicide rates are very low.
How could this be? And how can we square this information with the study above that showed women are likely to be self-destructive when infected?
First of all, since France has high infection rates, we need to have a look at French men and see if there is any indication of erratic or self-destructive behavior evident. I could rest my case by simply saying "Dominique Strauss-Kahn", but if we look at the suicide data above, we can see that French men DO have an exceptionally high suicide rate as well. In addition, French perfumes that women wear, such as Chanel number 5, have a chemical ingredient in them that is also present in cat urine. This means that French men – like parasite-infected rats – could be driven to self-destructive behavior by the women around them!
That is not all.
The French are noted for their production and consumption of wine, running second in this category behind Italy with an annual per-capita consumption of 47 liters (Americans by contrast consume only 7 liters per person; clearly some people are not doing their fair share!). As with the perfumes, there is a chemical found in Sauvignon Blanc and Cabernet Sauvignon, p-mentha-8-thiol-3-one, that is also a component of – you guessed it – cat pee.
This explains the French connection! French men AND women are infected by the kitty parasite, but the combination of French perfumes on the women (could this be why French men seem to be so romantic?), and the wines French men drink triggers the self-destructive behavior, resulting in a very high suicide rate and Dominique Strauss-Kahn.
Coincidentally, my favorite wine is Sauvignon Blanc and I definitely have done my share of litter box cleaning.... hmmm....


- - - - - - - - - -
*I am completely aware of the debate about who owns whom when it comes to cats, but for the sake of convenience, I am using it this way.

Once again, let me say that clicking the links in this post will enhance the experience, and this edition is the 2nd anniversary edition of Pterosaurish. Thank you for all 6,890 views. I hope it helps to get you through the day.

The Japanese World Cup Soccer Team

After promises by Head Coach Okada to make it to the final 8, the Japanese World Cup soccer team once again came up short of expectations. Time was that Japan's players being naturally smaller and lighter than the heavy-weights from Germany and Brazil had a built-in excuse for their lack of success. But nowadays with two goal keepers and a couple of other players over 182 cm (6 ft) tall, the disadvantage in height around the goal box has been lessened. Deficits in weight and muscle have been compensated for by a fast-paced, run-'em-into-the-ground "Japanese style" of play.
So what's missing?
Cat poop.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Cat poop is what the Japanese team lacks in its quest for World Cup glory. You see, cat poop contains a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii. This parasite lodges in the brains of its victims and can cause changes in animal – including human – behavior. Most interesting is the apparent connection between rates of toxoplasmosis infection and soccer performance. Let me quote Slate Magazine where I first stumbled upon this information.

"Rank the top 25 FIFA team countries by Toxo rate and you get, in order from the top: Brazil (67 percent), Argentina (52 percent), France (45 percent), Spain (44 percent), and Germany (43 percent). Collectively, these are the teams responsible for eight of the last 10 World Cup overall winners. Spain, the only one of the group never to have won a cup, is no subpar outlier—the Spaniards have the most World Cup victories of any perpetual runner-up." (Posted Thursday, July 1, 2010, at 7:26 PM ET)

And who won the World Cup this year? Spain! Clearly infection with toxoplasmosis is the route to World Cup success.
So how does this infection take place? While toxoplasma gondii can be found in many places, cat poo is one of the best sources of the parasite. The Japanese players are simply not getting enough cat poo in their lives to turn them into the rip-snorting competitors they need to be to win consistently on the world stage.
What can be done?
Obviously the best procedure would be to serve cat poo at the team's training table, but since the "poo bento" might not go down well with the players, another approach has to be considered. Despite the team's nickname of "Samurai Blue", the sacrifices expected of samurai of old cannot be expected of the modern generation.
I remember that when my wife was pregnant, we read that the risk of toxoplasmosis to the unborn was very high. This meant that I was relegated to the task of kitty litter box cleaning for the entire 9 months (at least). While this additional chore did not turn ME into a soccer champ, it might well have protected our son from brain damage or potential blindness.
So my solution is for Japanese National Team members each to be given a cat to take care of. They should be asked to routinely clean the litter boxes as part of their training. Another tactic to make this therapy more acceptable would be to send out an appeal for donations of used kitty litter from around the country and use this material as a soccer pitch covering. The running around, tackling, and rolling in the used kitty litter surface would undoubtedly provide that all-important exposure to the toxoplasma parasite.
Introducing this regimen at the national team level, however, might be too late. To assure a steady supply of infected athletes, used kitty litter should be the surface of choice for all J-League venues as well as on public school playgrounds around the nation. (An added benefit to this policy would be the recycling of used kitty litter and removing it from precious landfill areas.)
Within as few as 10 years, toxoplasmosis infection rates would reach the lofty heights of the Brazilians and other world leaders, and then Japan too would be confidently taking its well-earned place on the World Cup podium, raising the coveted trophy to the stands of admiring spectators.