Many of us who live with cats end up admiring their nonchalance, their somewhat cynical, life-worn attitudes and their incomparable ability to sleep so much. After all, what IS it that they do that makes them so tired all the time? Work? Ha! They have staff to do that for them.
Try to get your cat to fetch the newspaper or your slippers or even to guard your house against intruders. Hey... never mind intruders, how about guarding your house against rodents!
Cat: "What's that, a mouse? I could go over there and catch it, but I am cozy here in this puddle of sun, and if I get up, the warm spot will move and won't be so toasty anymore, and also I will have to actually walk over there, and the mouse will probably run away by then, and it's in the opposite direction of my food bowl, so I will have gotten up for nothing... (yawn) zzzzz."
So this is a never-ending question: why are cats so lethargic and how is it that they can spend so much time sleeping?
Science – as always – provides some clues. Recent research indicates that sleep helps to clear the brain of toxins, particularly those which may be responsible for Alzheimer's and other dementia-related illnesses. It would be fun to think that small "cleaner cells" are moving through the brain while we slumber, cleaning up "plaque" like over-weight park attendants with leaf blowers, but in fact that is not what is happening.
Apparently the whole brain shrinks in on itself, allowing brain fluids to wash out all the bad wastes. It's like a tidal function with the "land" receding rather than the "ocean" advancing. The brain in this receded state is apparently unable to carry on normal brain functions, and this – researchers claim – is one reason we go to sleep.
So fundamentally, sleep is good for us, good for our brains, and it may stand in the way of our developing debilitating dementia. Therefore, it is important to get enough sleep. This may seem simple enough, but once again research points out that how much shut-eye you might need is very idiosyncratic and not only varies from person-to-person but also within the same person's life, depending on what s/he is doing.
People of old used to sleep twice in a night and even referred to it as "first sleep/second sleep". They would doze off in the evening and then wake up in the middle of the night and actually DO things like visit friends or go to church.
While your friends might not appreciate you cheerily popping in with a bottle of wine at 1 AM, clearly we do need to change our whole attitude towards sleeping.
Do you wake up in the middle of the night and find it hard to go back to sleep again? Not to worry! You should go ahead and get up. Do something, like bake cookies or wash the car. When you feel tired again, you should return to bed and go back to sleep.
Do you feel guilty about taking that nap in the afternoon? Don't! That nap is helping to wash your brain clear of dangerous toxins that may give you a debilitating memory disease. In fact, you should take more naps! Why not have one in the morning AND one in the afternoon. You could call your "first sleep" in the evening a nap too, and your "second sleep" later another nap. Actually, you could call them all "cat naps".
Did you ever see a cat with Alzheimer's?
I rest my case.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Monday, October 21, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
Tips for Nervous Flyers
If there is anything funnier than the silly tips I write from time to time, it's the pointers offered in seriousness by other writers.
Consider these from the Huffington Post travel columnists. Based on the recommendations of a psychiatrist, they present 10 tips for nervous flyers. Why 10 instead of – say – five or six? 10 is a nice, round number, and while some of the items overlap, nice, round numbers work better.
So let's get on with it! How can we nervous nellies make our flying experience less stressful?
1. Prepare yourself mentally
Here the nervous flyers are advised to think about whether they have the willingness to suffer the fear of flying in a tradeoff for the gain of – say – visiting grandma in Poughkeepsie. If the answer is yes, then they need to prepare for the flight mentally. Perhaps they could steel themselves for the event by image training. Hours before the flight, they could mentally picture themselves being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube and hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. That would be a great way to reduce fear, no?
2. Prepare to be distracted
This advice does not mean that you should happily anticipate the witty comments of the Southwest Airlines flight attendants. It means that you need to bring enough stuff with you to distract yourself from your thoughts of being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube, hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. You should "listen to music" or "do puzzles". Let's see.... 3 DOWN: 6-letter verb used for when a bird gets sucked into a jet engine.
3. Breathe
No, this is not as "duh" as it seems. Of course you should breathe! The psychiatrist's advice means that you need to practice "soothing breathing". With this you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It is very calming. And after the person sitting next to you requests a different seat, you will have more room and won't be so hemmed in. It's a good idea to practice this "soothing breathing" at home first, since doing it for 13 hours on that flight from New York to Tokyo might cause hyperventilation and result in your passing out. Which, come to think of it, could be a plus for the panicky flyer!
4. Use an app to focus on breathing
No, I didn't make this one up to be silly. And yes, it really is a part of #3 above, but they needed 10 points, so it was given its own space. Of course you are not allowed to "use an app" during the scariest part of the flight, taking off and landing, but never mind about that.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, sir! All electronic devices must be turned off and stowed during take off!
You: But this is my breathing app!
Passenger next to you: Excuse me, miss? Can I move to another seat, please?
5. Remember that panic will pass
True. When they divert the flight to Denver because you have passed out from your hyperventilation, your panic will pass once you are on the ground. The other passengers who are missing their connecting flights to their important engagements, however, might have a different feeling.
6. Find out what you're afraid of
Let me see. I am a panicky flyer. What could I possibly be afraid of? Hmm... how about that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board? Nah.... THAT couldn't be it.
7. Focus on the positive
OK. I am POSITIVE that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board.
8. Learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Let me guess, does this approach start with me buying a book? Maybe I can use this to distract me as in #2 above. Uh, no... three books. This technique involves "tapping" on your "energy meridians" to harness the power of acupuncture in stress relief. While this – along with the breathing – might get the person sitting next to you to change seats, thus giving you more room, as Wikipedia tartly puts it EFT "has not garnered significant support in clinical psychology". (Makes you wonder about the psychiatrist giving the advice for this column.)
9. Know when it's time to seek professional help
Flight Attendant: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, is there a psychiatrist on board today's flight? If so, please indicate where you are sitting by pushing the call button above your seat?
10. Read a book
Let me guess, does this recommendation involve me buying the psychiatrist's book? Yep... but we don't want to include it in "being prepared to be distracted" above, do we. Giving it its own number will definitely benefit sales.
Columns like this make me want to start my own advice column. How hard could it be? Anyone out there need sage advice about something?
Consider these from the Huffington Post travel columnists. Based on the recommendations of a psychiatrist, they present 10 tips for nervous flyers. Why 10 instead of – say – five or six? 10 is a nice, round number, and while some of the items overlap, nice, round numbers work better.
So let's get on with it! How can we nervous nellies make our flying experience less stressful?
1. Prepare yourself mentally
Here the nervous flyers are advised to think about whether they have the willingness to suffer the fear of flying in a tradeoff for the gain of – say – visiting grandma in Poughkeepsie. If the answer is yes, then they need to prepare for the flight mentally. Perhaps they could steel themselves for the event by image training. Hours before the flight, they could mentally picture themselves being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube and hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. That would be a great way to reduce fear, no?
2. Prepare to be distracted
This advice does not mean that you should happily anticipate the witty comments of the Southwest Airlines flight attendants. It means that you need to bring enough stuff with you to distract yourself from your thoughts of being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube, hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. You should "listen to music" or "do puzzles". Let's see.... 3 DOWN: 6-letter verb used for when a bird gets sucked into a jet engine.
3. Breathe
No, this is not as "duh" as it seems. Of course you should breathe! The psychiatrist's advice means that you need to practice "soothing breathing". With this you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It is very calming. And after the person sitting next to you requests a different seat, you will have more room and won't be so hemmed in. It's a good idea to practice this "soothing breathing" at home first, since doing it for 13 hours on that flight from New York to Tokyo might cause hyperventilation and result in your passing out. Which, come to think of it, could be a plus for the panicky flyer!
4. Use an app to focus on breathing
No, I didn't make this one up to be silly. And yes, it really is a part of #3 above, but they needed 10 points, so it was given its own space. Of course you are not allowed to "use an app" during the scariest part of the flight, taking off and landing, but never mind about that.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, sir! All electronic devices must be turned off and stowed during take off!
You: But this is my breathing app!
Passenger next to you: Excuse me, miss? Can I move to another seat, please?
5. Remember that panic will pass
True. When they divert the flight to Denver because you have passed out from your hyperventilation, your panic will pass once you are on the ground. The other passengers who are missing their connecting flights to their important engagements, however, might have a different feeling.
6. Find out what you're afraid of
Let me see. I am a panicky flyer. What could I possibly be afraid of? Hmm... how about that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board? Nah.... THAT couldn't be it.
7. Focus on the positive
OK. I am POSITIVE that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board.
8. Learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Let me guess, does this approach start with me buying a book? Maybe I can use this to distract me as in #2 above. Uh, no... three books. This technique involves "tapping" on your "energy meridians" to harness the power of acupuncture in stress relief. While this – along with the breathing – might get the person sitting next to you to change seats, thus giving you more room, as Wikipedia tartly puts it EFT "has not garnered significant support in clinical psychology". (Makes you wonder about the psychiatrist giving the advice for this column.)
9. Know when it's time to seek professional help
Flight Attendant: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, is there a psychiatrist on board today's flight? If so, please indicate where you are sitting by pushing the call button above your seat?
10. Read a book
Let me guess, does this recommendation involve me buying the psychiatrist's book? Yep... but we don't want to include it in "being prepared to be distracted" above, do we. Giving it its own number will definitely benefit sales.
Columns like this make me want to start my own advice column. How hard could it be? Anyone out there need sage advice about something?
Monday, September 23, 2013
Checklist for Senility
I have written here on a number of occasions about issues that affect us seniors and how to make our "golden" years more meaningful. Important challenges such as how not to be dead stress us at every turn. But none plagues us more than the worry over losing our mental faculties. We have explored some of the techniques you can use to enhance your mental capabilities, but there always remains that nagging worry, "Am I losing it?"
Today I would once again like to address this topic of concern by laying out a diagnosis tool that you can use in the privacy of your own home to find out if your loved one is getting senile or not.
First of all, let's define our terms.
I find that there is nothing worse in self-help articles than when the author fails to define terms and leads the reader off into a wasteland of ill-conceived advice. I mean, when you are talking about intestinal bloating, wouldn't it be a good idea to know that standing near an open flame would not be a good idea? Hello?
Some authors are just irresponsible.
Anyway, the main definition we need to be concerned with here is for "mental faculties". The simplest way to think of this is to imagine your brain is like a university. As with most universities, it is divided up into different faculties. And like at university, each of these operates independent of each other, getting together periodically for usually boring but sometimes contentious meetings where Prof. F. goes on and on about his plans for the department that have already been dismissed as stupid and untenable ten years ago.
But I digress. And while I am digressing, did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
Getting that out of the way, we can now proceed to the test. Keep score on a piece of paper, so you can add up the results at the end of this article.
1. Does your loved one sometimes walk into a room and forget why he went there? 10 points
2. Is he over 60 and doing #1 above? 0 points
3. Is he under 60 and not drinking and doing #1 above? 10 points
4. Does he sometimes misplace items, putting the car keys into the cat bowls and the cat food into his pocket, for example? 10 points
5. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
6. Does he tell the same stories or jokes to the same people again and again. 10 points
7. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
8. Does he start a project and then get distracted half-way through and abandon it, causing it to fail? (I am thinking of something like baking a cake, not brain surgery.) 10 points
9. Oh! I almost forgot! Did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
10.
Today I would once again like to address this topic of concern by laying out a diagnosis tool that you can use in the privacy of your own home to find out if your loved one is getting senile or not.
First of all, let's define our terms.
I find that there is nothing worse in self-help articles than when the author fails to define terms and leads the reader off into a wasteland of ill-conceived advice. I mean, when you are talking about intestinal bloating, wouldn't it be a good idea to know that standing near an open flame would not be a good idea? Hello?
Some authors are just irresponsible.
Anyway, the main definition we need to be concerned with here is for "mental faculties". The simplest way to think of this is to imagine your brain is like a university. As with most universities, it is divided up into different faculties. And like at university, each of these operates independent of each other, getting together periodically for usually boring but sometimes contentious meetings where Prof. F. goes on and on about his plans for the department that have already been dismissed as stupid and untenable ten years ago.
But I digress. And while I am digressing, did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
Getting that out of the way, we can now proceed to the test. Keep score on a piece of paper, so you can add up the results at the end of this article.
1. Does your loved one sometimes walk into a room and forget why he went there? 10 points
2. Is he over 60 and doing #1 above? 0 points
3. Is he under 60 and not drinking and doing #1 above? 10 points
4. Does he sometimes misplace items, putting the car keys into the cat bowls and the cat food into his pocket, for example? 10 points
5. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
6. Does he tell the same stories or jokes to the same people again and again. 10 points
7. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
8. Does he start a project and then get distracted half-way through and abandon it, causing it to fail? (I am thinking of something like baking a cake, not brain surgery.) 10 points
9. Oh! I almost forgot! Did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
10.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Brain Health Through Messiness
We guys pretty much understand that we are hard to live with. I have written about this before, trying to persuade the "fairer" sex that we men are worth keeping around, but it isn't easy.
We monopolize the remote control. We do all of our chores in a slovenly and ill-timed manner. We leave our clothes lying around. We forget to clean up after friends come over, leaving YOU to put all the wine bottles and beer cans in the recycling bin, and I don't even want to talk about the crumbs and bits of pizza that end up soiling the carpet and falling down behind the cushion in the sofa (I swear that was not MY piece of pizza!).
Let's face it. Men are slobs.
Which brings me to my point, a delicate issue. First of all, I am really not trying to defend our behavior as such. Rather, I would like to make a point that maybe women could consider... you know... think about.
I stumbled upon this information recently about Alzheimer's. Apparently people who live in clean and hygienic places suffer from this disease more than those who do not live in such germ-free environments. The lack of exposure to infectious agents, dirt and grit seems to have some connection to the later development of this debilitating mental disease.
Another interesting feature of this incapacitation is that women get it more than men. There are a lot of theories about why they do, but the fact of it is undeniable.
I think that the "theorists" may be missing a key component in the difference of lifestyle between women and guys that may be hiding the real culprit behind the increased risk. It seems entirely possible to me that women, being neat and tidy and generally preferring to clean up everything right away might be sowing the seeds of their own later problems.
We guys live like pigs (sorry pigs), and this lack of interest in basic hygiene may actually protect us from the onset of this form of dementia. When we forget to wash our hands after changing the oil in the lawn mower or – shudder – going to the toilet, we may actually be promoting better brain health.
So what I am trying to suggest, women, is that maybe you guys could lighten up about the cleanliness around the house a little and not only benefit from the possibility of better brain health in later years but also get along with us guys better.
We monopolize the remote control. We do all of our chores in a slovenly and ill-timed manner. We leave our clothes lying around. We forget to clean up after friends come over, leaving YOU to put all the wine bottles and beer cans in the recycling bin, and I don't even want to talk about the crumbs and bits of pizza that end up soiling the carpet and falling down behind the cushion in the sofa (I swear that was not MY piece of pizza!).
Let's face it. Men are slobs.
Which brings me to my point, a delicate issue. First of all, I am really not trying to defend our behavior as such. Rather, I would like to make a point that maybe women could consider... you know... think about.
I stumbled upon this information recently about Alzheimer's. Apparently people who live in clean and hygienic places suffer from this disease more than those who do not live in such germ-free environments. The lack of exposure to infectious agents, dirt and grit seems to have some connection to the later development of this debilitating mental disease.
Another interesting feature of this incapacitation is that women get it more than men. There are a lot of theories about why they do, but the fact of it is undeniable.
I think that the "theorists" may be missing a key component in the difference of lifestyle between women and guys that may be hiding the real culprit behind the increased risk. It seems entirely possible to me that women, being neat and tidy and generally preferring to clean up everything right away might be sowing the seeds of their own later problems.
We guys live like pigs (sorry pigs), and this lack of interest in basic hygiene may actually protect us from the onset of this form of dementia. When we forget to wash our hands after changing the oil in the lawn mower or – shudder – going to the toilet, we may actually be promoting better brain health.
So what I am trying to suggest, women, is that maybe you guys could lighten up about the cleanliness around the house a little and not only benefit from the possibility of better brain health in later years but also get along with us guys better.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Wheat-a-Belly
A lot of people in the US these days are talking about the threat of genetically engineered foods. Wheat, for example, is now said to be especially dangerous. A heart doctor, William Davis, has written a popular book entitled "Wheat Belly", making the claim that the wheat we eat today is nothing like the wheat our ancestors enjoyed and is responsible for the blossoming of belly blubber in the United States today. Specifically, the wheat developed over the past 50 years has more gluten in it. To help us understand the danger that this poses, we met with Professor Colin Graankleefstof, PhD of the International Baking Society (IBS) and asked him about what gluten actually is.
Pterosaurish: Thank you for meeting with us today, Professor.
CG: You are very welcome indeed.
Pterosaurish: So please tell us in laymen's terms, what actually IS gluten in wheat?
CG: It's a protein. It's necessary for making bread products rise. We have strong wheat and weak wheat flours; the former are what we use in making donuts, bread, and pizza... did I tell you I know how to make a really great pizza dough, using two different kinds of high gluten flour?
Pterosaurish: Um.... no... but what about the weak flours?
CG: OH! Yes! The weak flours... you would never make pizza with them. Do you know why?
Pterosaurish: Er... not really?
CG: Their gluten levels are too low, so the pizza wouldn't rise properly. No... we use these weak flours in making cakes and the like.
Pterosaurish: So what are the differences we are talking about here?
CG: Well, the pizza dough requires a high gluten flour, so I use a flour with 12.5% gluten. To make a cake I would use a flour with about 8% gluten.
Pterosaurish: I see. Well, thank you very much for this enlightening information about this dietary danger.
CG: It has been entirely my pleasure.
No question about it. If you look at many popular foods, wheat is a major ingredient. It's the number one ingredient in Cinnamon Toast Crunch (breakfast cereal) for example. Cosmic Brownies also contain wheat. Twinkies (soon to make a comeback in the American diet) contain this dangerous substance. And even popular Krispy Kreme donuts have — yes, you guessed it — wheat, as the main ingredient! And that is not all! Even Entenmann's Dark Chocolate Chunk Cookies and Pepperidge Farm Pretzel Goldfish are laced with this high-risk material! And every, single one of the 14 billion pizzas pumped out by the Pizza Hut chain (founded in 1958) last year was adulterated with wheat flour.
Who knew?!
Is it no wonder that Americans are getting fat? The good doctor is right! And not only fat, this viciously introduced "hybrid" wheat is responsible for "heart disease, diabetes, fatigue, acne, arthritis, IBS and even dementia"!
Dementia!
Some clearly deluded naysayers (maybe suffering from early on-set dementia?) make the spurious claim that baguettes (French bread) have been around for centuries and require a high gluten flour to make them, and nobody had "wheat belly" in Queen Antoinette's day (Her admonition, "Let them eat cake!" clearly showed her concern for the health of the masses, since cake contains less gluten than bread). But these naysayers don't have the anecdotal evidence that Dr. Davis has from patients to support their view.
What is next? What frightening steps will the food giants take to engineer their products to make them easier to grow and more profitable? Adding genes from migratory insects so that the wheat will migrate throughout the year, self-adjusting its sunlight and temperature for increased yields? Or engineer it with polar bear genes so it can be planted and grown throughout the winter in icy lands. Can adding squid genes to the wheat be far behind, setting the stage for underwater farming? It is a vast underutilized part of our planet after all!
It is critical that each and every one of us be aware of this grave danger and take immediate steps to correct our eating habits to avoid terrible health problems. I —for one— intend to
cut right back on the number of doughnuts I eat in the morning for breakfast. My health is too important to be left to the devices of unscrupulous companies like Krispy Kreme!
Pterosaurish: Thank you for meeting with us today, Professor.
CG: You are very welcome indeed.
Pterosaurish: So please tell us in laymen's terms, what actually IS gluten in wheat?
CG: It's a protein. It's necessary for making bread products rise. We have strong wheat and weak wheat flours; the former are what we use in making donuts, bread, and pizza... did I tell you I know how to make a really great pizza dough, using two different kinds of high gluten flour?
Pterosaurish: Um.... no... but what about the weak flours?
CG: OH! Yes! The weak flours... you would never make pizza with them. Do you know why?
Pterosaurish: Er... not really?
CG: Their gluten levels are too low, so the pizza wouldn't rise properly. No... we use these weak flours in making cakes and the like.
Pterosaurish: So what are the differences we are talking about here?
CG: Well, the pizza dough requires a high gluten flour, so I use a flour with 12.5% gluten. To make a cake I would use a flour with about 8% gluten.
Pterosaurish: I see. Well, thank you very much for this enlightening information about this dietary danger.
CG: It has been entirely my pleasure.
No question about it. If you look at many popular foods, wheat is a major ingredient. It's the number one ingredient in Cinnamon Toast Crunch (breakfast cereal) for example. Cosmic Brownies also contain wheat. Twinkies (soon to make a comeback in the American diet) contain this dangerous substance. And even popular Krispy Kreme donuts have — yes, you guessed it — wheat, as the main ingredient! And that is not all! Even Entenmann's Dark Chocolate Chunk Cookies and Pepperidge Farm Pretzel Goldfish are laced with this high-risk material! And every, single one of the 14 billion pizzas pumped out by the Pizza Hut chain (founded in 1958) last year was adulterated with wheat flour.
Who knew?!
Is it no wonder that Americans are getting fat? The good doctor is right! And not only fat, this viciously introduced "hybrid" wheat is responsible for "heart disease, diabetes, fatigue, acne, arthritis, IBS and even dementia"!
Dementia!
Some clearly deluded naysayers (maybe suffering from early on-set dementia?) make the spurious claim that baguettes (French bread) have been around for centuries and require a high gluten flour to make them, and nobody had "wheat belly" in Queen Antoinette's day (Her admonition, "Let them eat cake!" clearly showed her concern for the health of the masses, since cake contains less gluten than bread). But these naysayers don't have the anecdotal evidence that Dr. Davis has from patients to support their view.
What is next? What frightening steps will the food giants take to engineer their products to make them easier to grow and more profitable? Adding genes from migratory insects so that the wheat will migrate throughout the year, self-adjusting its sunlight and temperature for increased yields? Or engineer it with polar bear genes so it can be planted and grown throughout the winter in icy lands. Can adding squid genes to the wheat be far behind, setting the stage for underwater farming? It is a vast underutilized part of our planet after all!
It is critical that each and every one of us be aware of this grave danger and take immediate steps to correct our eating habits to avoid terrible health problems. I —for one— intend to
cut right back on the number of doughnuts I eat in the morning for breakfast. My health is too important to be left to the devices of unscrupulous companies like Krispy Kreme!
Monday, May 6, 2013
6 Steps to Spiritual Balance and a Zen Mind
Have you ever noticed how the Huffington Post emphasizes number titles? We have discussed that technique here before.
You grab your audience's attention while still letting them know that
the length of time they need to focus is well within their
truncated attention span.
In the Huffington Post right now we have no fewer than 9 articles that use this approach to introduce information.
10 Reasons to Meditate
6 Ways To Simplify Your Morning Beauty Routine
5 Ways Stress Accelerates Aging
7 Surprising Things That Age You Faster
17 Things To Never Do Alone
First, you don't need to be a stickler about round numbers, so you can go ahead and say things like, "5 Ways to Avoid Painful Constipation" or "3 Steps to Reducing Thigh Friction". It does seem important to not have your numbers be too big. The title above, "17 Things To Never Do Alone", tripped me up. I thought maybe they could have done better by limiting it to 10 or 11, especially since most of them were total fluff.
I mean really... never hang that picture alone? Why zero in on that?
How about replacing that stupid thing with never sticking a live eel up your butt alone? Who would take you to the hospital to have it surgically removed?
Anyway, today I am offering my advice in this very popular, numbered style.
I have been paging through women's magazines and the health websites of the Internet recently and noticed how much space in the advice columns is devoted to "spiritual balance". Someone like me who has lived a long and exciting life has important advice to lend to others who are still trying to find their ways. Yes, I know most of you will be surprised that I have life-advice to offer, since you think I am an incredibly shallow and superficial person, only interested in wine and good fish 'n' chips.
But nothing could be further from the truth; I am interested in good pizza as well.
In fact, I have experienced Zen meditation and the enlightenment that comes from powerful centering exercises with my body through the martial arts. It is this background that presses me to pass along some of what I have learned to those of you who have not been so blessed with these revelations.
A key component of your spiritual development and one that is mentioned by almost every mentor in this field is keeping your spiritual center and physical being in balance.
Gurus and other spiritual leaders talk in parables, so I should follow their lead to help make some of these concepts easier to understand for you, the layperson.
You undoubtedly have a feeling that your inner self still retains the blissful openness of childhood and that your eyes want to drink in the excitement of the world around you as if experiencing everything for the first time. In your mind's eye you chase the wind-tossed, dandelion fluff through the forest of your imagination – free and innocent.
This is your spiritual core revealing itself to you, calling out to you.
Then you look at your physical being and realize that rather than the frisky inner child you imagine yourself to be you are actually more like a manatee. In fact, the only drinking in of experience you have had is the six-pack of beer you finish off every evening in front of the TV. This is WHY you are called a layperson*.
But getting to your balance, this parable shows how you can have an unbalance between these two sides of your being; your yin is weighing down your wang... no, yang.
Something like that.
Anyway, there are steps YOU can take in the comfort of your own home to restore this balance and find transcendental bliss.
1. It is unreasonable to expect to adjust only one side of your nature to fit the other. True, the manatee will have to cut back on the beer, but the inner child will also have to grow up and face the reality of the manatee. Manatees are actually herbivores, so that would be a good start right there, and inner children should not drink beer, since they are underage.
Just saying.
2. Focus on the positive by finding the aspects of both sides of you and realizing their potentials. Your left side says "blubber" and your right side agrees. There you go, another good start.
3. Think about your inner child and ask it if it can compromise to some extent. Both sides have to meet halfway. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian problem. Nobody gets everything s/he wants. Your inner child must give up the acting out part of its adventure (the manatee cannot frisk through the forest), and the manatee side must cut back on the "settlements" (if you get my drift).
4. Learn to feel good about BOTH sides of your being. The yin and the wang both. If your inner child can learn to love the manatee and the manatee can accept the inner child – each on its own terms – you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.
5. Wait... no cake.
6. Surround yourself with fellow travelers. Reinforcement for your spiritual balance from the outside can only help you to achieve your transcendental goals. Find another manatee with an inner child, struggling to get out.
And remember this: Zen means never having to say you are.
Finally, appreciate your mentors and gurus. We do accept all major credit cards as well as cash donations.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Don't mess with me about "lay" and "lie"; I know the difference. Many people still say, "Go lay down for a while until the vodka wears off", I use the word "lay" with that in mind. Yes... "lie" is grammatically correct. If you want to be a "lieperson", go for it.
In the Huffington Post right now we have no fewer than 9 articles that use this approach to introduce information.
10 Reasons to Meditate
4 Common Mispronunciations That Drive Me Crazy
10 Most Horrifying Things Landlords Have Done 6 Ways To Simplify Your Morning Beauty Routine
5 Ways Stress Accelerates Aging
6 Awesome And Affordable Hotels For Beach Bums
9 Fitness Retreats To Whip You Into Shape For Summer 20137 Surprising Things That Age You Faster
17 Things To Never Do Alone
First, you don't need to be a stickler about round numbers, so you can go ahead and say things like, "5 Ways to Avoid Painful Constipation" or "3 Steps to Reducing Thigh Friction". It does seem important to not have your numbers be too big. The title above, "17 Things To Never Do Alone", tripped me up. I thought maybe they could have done better by limiting it to 10 or 11, especially since most of them were total fluff.
I mean really... never hang that picture alone? Why zero in on that?
How about replacing that stupid thing with never sticking a live eel up your butt alone? Who would take you to the hospital to have it surgically removed?
Anyway, today I am offering my advice in this very popular, numbered style.
I have been paging through women's magazines and the health websites of the Internet recently and noticed how much space in the advice columns is devoted to "spiritual balance". Someone like me who has lived a long and exciting life has important advice to lend to others who are still trying to find their ways. Yes, I know most of you will be surprised that I have life-advice to offer, since you think I am an incredibly shallow and superficial person, only interested in wine and good fish 'n' chips.
But nothing could be further from the truth; I am interested in good pizza as well.
In fact, I have experienced Zen meditation and the enlightenment that comes from powerful centering exercises with my body through the martial arts. It is this background that presses me to pass along some of what I have learned to those of you who have not been so blessed with these revelations.
A key component of your spiritual development and one that is mentioned by almost every mentor in this field is keeping your spiritual center and physical being in balance.
Gurus and other spiritual leaders talk in parables, so I should follow their lead to help make some of these concepts easier to understand for you, the layperson.
You undoubtedly have a feeling that your inner self still retains the blissful openness of childhood and that your eyes want to drink in the excitement of the world around you as if experiencing everything for the first time. In your mind's eye you chase the wind-tossed, dandelion fluff through the forest of your imagination – free and innocent.
This is your spiritual core revealing itself to you, calling out to you.
Then you look at your physical being and realize that rather than the frisky inner child you imagine yourself to be you are actually more like a manatee. In fact, the only drinking in of experience you have had is the six-pack of beer you finish off every evening in front of the TV. This is WHY you are called a layperson*.
But getting to your balance, this parable shows how you can have an unbalance between these two sides of your being; your yin is weighing down your wang... no, yang.
Something like that.
Anyway, there are steps YOU can take in the comfort of your own home to restore this balance and find transcendental bliss.
1. It is unreasonable to expect to adjust only one side of your nature to fit the other. True, the manatee will have to cut back on the beer, but the inner child will also have to grow up and face the reality of the manatee. Manatees are actually herbivores, so that would be a good start right there, and inner children should not drink beer, since they are underage.
Just saying.
2. Focus on the positive by finding the aspects of both sides of you and realizing their potentials. Your left side says "blubber" and your right side agrees. There you go, another good start.
3. Think about your inner child and ask it if it can compromise to some extent. Both sides have to meet halfway. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian problem. Nobody gets everything s/he wants. Your inner child must give up the acting out part of its adventure (the manatee cannot frisk through the forest), and the manatee side must cut back on the "settlements" (if you get my drift).
4. Learn to feel good about BOTH sides of your being. The yin and the wang both. If your inner child can learn to love the manatee and the manatee can accept the inner child – each on its own terms – you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.
5. Wait... no cake.
6. Surround yourself with fellow travelers. Reinforcement for your spiritual balance from the outside can only help you to achieve your transcendental goals. Find another manatee with an inner child, struggling to get out.
And remember this: Zen means never having to say you are.
Finally, appreciate your mentors and gurus. We do accept all major credit cards as well as cash donations.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Don't mess with me about "lay" and "lie"; I know the difference. Many people still say, "Go lay down for a while until the vodka wears off", I use the word "lay" with that in mind. Yes... "lie" is grammatically correct. If you want to be a "lieperson", go for it.
Monday, April 29, 2013
夫源病 or HSD
As if it hasn't been enough that women are thinking that maybe men are not necessary any more; I wrote about this way back in 2011. Now it seems that research in Japan (in Japanese) conducted at Osaka University of Graduate Medical Research shows that husbands can actually make their wives sick.
It's called 夫源病 which translates out to "Husband-Sourced Disease or – to put it into the popular psycho-labeling format – HSD. I checked the DSM-V (THE manual of psychiatric disorders and "issues") and could not find any reference to this problem. Obviously the American Psychiatric Association has not faced patients with symptoms that they can clearly associate with this disorder.
In Japan, on the other hand, it has even made it to the evening news and the media is abuzz with discussion about identifying the problem, its immediate precipitating causes and what steps can be taken to treat it.
Marriage is a two-way street of course and not all wives are vulnerable. It's important to identify what sort of wife is at risk of falling prey to this affliction? By Japanese standards the most susceptible are what the article describes as "a good wife and wise mother". What are the characteristics of such a spouse?
A convenient checklist is provided*.
She is:
1. uncomplaining, persevering
2. methodical with a strong sense of responsibility
3. unlikely to cry or get angry in public
4. not good at expressing her opinion to others, and even if confronted with outrageous comments, finds it difficult to contradict them.
5. strongly identifying with being a "good wife" and a "good mother"
6. worried about what others think
7. troubled deeply by details
If you are not this type of wife, you probably have very little to worry about.
What symptoms might a patient experience? (in order of most common)
1. dizziness or vertigo
2. headaches
3. a ringing in the ears
4. hot flashes
5. stiff shoulders
6. body aches and pains
7. palpitations
8. shortness of breath or labored breathing
9. sleeplessness
10. washed out feeling
The article says that while these symptoms are typical of menopause which normally occurs in women in the ages between 40 and 50, the HSD symptoms appear in a range wider even than 20 to 60.
And what kind of men are responsible for causing these awful symptoms in their wives, even at the early age of 20?
I am afraid to look, but here goes.
These men, these PIGS:
1. are nice around other people but crabby at home
2. check up on their wives' every move and appointment
3. always talk down to their wives
4. have no friends or interests outside of work
5. never help with housework but talk about it a lot
6. hate to go out alone with their wives
7. brag about how they are supporting their wives and children
8. think highly of how they help around the house and with the children
9. never say "thank you" or "I'm sorry"
10. have a personality change behind the wheel of their car
The results?
If your husband manifests four of these traits or less, you are OK and probably not going to get HSD. If, however, he shows 5 to 7 of them, HSD could be waiting in the wings. 8 or more and you probably will get HSD.
What steps can you as an HSD sufferer take to relieve these symptoms? (Don't wait too long and exhibit psychopathic symptoms that you cannot control.)
1. Have a good cry. See a movie or a TV drama or listen to evocative music and just "let it all out". You will feel cleansed afterwards.
2. Shout. Go to a karaoke box or other private place and just scream and shout.
(crying and shouting moves your diaphragm which is very good for your autonomic nervous system)
3. Get some exercise. Hit a boxing sandbag or strike at a ball. The aggressive, hitting nature of the activity is effective.
4. Keep some secrets. Buy something expensive or have a lavish dinner, but don't tell your husband about it. Doing something "naughty" is important.
5. Have a little fight with your spouse. Try to get your thick-headed spouse to understand you.
6. Pretend to run away from home (last resort). Don't make any advance preparations, but just up and leave. This will make your husband appreciate you more.
As I review the checklist of spousal qualities that will precipitate this disability in wives, I guess that maybe I don't fit most of them. Of course, "thick headed" husbands everywhere probably do not feel that they fit the list. Maybe you wives should leave this article lying around with the list ticked off, so that we men can find it and recognize our failings better.
But then, that will only make us crabbier: a vicious cycle. No wonder the divorce rate in Japan is going up and women don't want to get married.
- - - - - - - - - -
* All of these points are simply a translation of the article about this research. I am most assuredly not making anything up.
It's called 夫源病 which translates out to "Husband-Sourced Disease or – to put it into the popular psycho-labeling format – HSD. I checked the DSM-V (THE manual of psychiatric disorders and "issues") and could not find any reference to this problem. Obviously the American Psychiatric Association has not faced patients with symptoms that they can clearly associate with this disorder.
In Japan, on the other hand, it has even made it to the evening news and the media is abuzz with discussion about identifying the problem, its immediate precipitating causes and what steps can be taken to treat it.
Marriage is a two-way street of course and not all wives are vulnerable. It's important to identify what sort of wife is at risk of falling prey to this affliction? By Japanese standards the most susceptible are what the article describes as "a good wife and wise mother". What are the characteristics of such a spouse?
A convenient checklist is provided*.
She is:
1. uncomplaining, persevering
2. methodical with a strong sense of responsibility
3. unlikely to cry or get angry in public
4. not good at expressing her opinion to others, and even if confronted with outrageous comments, finds it difficult to contradict them.
5. strongly identifying with being a "good wife" and a "good mother"
6. worried about what others think
7. troubled deeply by details
If you are not this type of wife, you probably have very little to worry about.
What symptoms might a patient experience? (in order of most common)
1. dizziness or vertigo
2. headaches
3. a ringing in the ears
4. hot flashes
5. stiff shoulders
6. body aches and pains
7. palpitations
8. shortness of breath or labored breathing
9. sleeplessness
10. washed out feeling
The article says that while these symptoms are typical of menopause which normally occurs in women in the ages between 40 and 50, the HSD symptoms appear in a range wider even than 20 to 60.
And what kind of men are responsible for causing these awful symptoms in their wives, even at the early age of 20?
I am afraid to look, but here goes.
These men, these PIGS:
1. are nice around other people but crabby at home
2. check up on their wives' every move and appointment
3. always talk down to their wives
4. have no friends or interests outside of work
5. never help with housework but talk about it a lot
6. hate to go out alone with their wives
7. brag about how they are supporting their wives and children
8. think highly of how they help around the house and with the children
9. never say "thank you" or "I'm sorry"
10. have a personality change behind the wheel of their car
The results?
If your husband manifests four of these traits or less, you are OK and probably not going to get HSD. If, however, he shows 5 to 7 of them, HSD could be waiting in the wings. 8 or more and you probably will get HSD.
What steps can you as an HSD sufferer take to relieve these symptoms? (Don't wait too long and exhibit psychopathic symptoms that you cannot control.)
1. Have a good cry. See a movie or a TV drama or listen to evocative music and just "let it all out". You will feel cleansed afterwards.
2. Shout. Go to a karaoke box or other private place and just scream and shout.
(crying and shouting moves your diaphragm which is very good for your autonomic nervous system)
3. Get some exercise. Hit a boxing sandbag or strike at a ball. The aggressive, hitting nature of the activity is effective.
4. Keep some secrets. Buy something expensive or have a lavish dinner, but don't tell your husband about it. Doing something "naughty" is important.
5. Have a little fight with your spouse. Try to get your thick-headed spouse to understand you.
6. Pretend to run away from home (last resort). Don't make any advance preparations, but just up and leave. This will make your husband appreciate you more.
As I review the checklist of spousal qualities that will precipitate this disability in wives, I guess that maybe I don't fit most of them. Of course, "thick headed" husbands everywhere probably do not feel that they fit the list. Maybe you wives should leave this article lying around with the list ticked off, so that we men can find it and recognize our failings better.
But then, that will only make us crabbier: a vicious cycle. No wonder the divorce rate in Japan is going up and women don't want to get married.
- - - - - - - - - -
* All of these points are simply a translation of the article about this research. I am most assuredly not making anything up.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Lose Weight, Impress Your Date!
Once again, it is time to take a look at what's new in the diet regimen world. Americans seem to know no bounds when it comes to gaining weight. As we discovered in an earlier post after (shudder) doing some math, they are packing the equivalent of four whole Swedens on their national body. It's not all bad news though as Americans also probably lose that much weight in wild diet trends every year, only to gain it back – plus some – the next year.
So what's new in diets this year?
How about this trendy and very high tech device, the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System, a stomach pump that is used through a plastic port "discreetly embedded" in your abdomen! What could be cooler? You pump out your stomach contents and thus reduce your calorie intake! No need to barf your food any more!
Imagine bringing this new android feature to your next serious date?
Scenario: (man with woman friend on sofa)
Woman: Wow... I never thought we would be this close.... you always seemed like you didn't care about me...
Man: Oh Jennifer ... I just didn't want to pressure you, is all.... I do like you...
Jennifer: I liked you too, Dave! From that time that you were trying to give that dorky presentation to the boss and couldn't get your computer to work? You were SO cute...
Dave: Oh man.... That was the pits... nothing worked .... but I noticed you then too... (leans in for a kiss)
Jennifer: mmm.... you smell good too.... (smile smile)
Dave: Oh... baby I have been waiting for this...
Jennifer: Wait ... wait.... we need to arrange ourselves on the sofa here....
Dave: OK... How about I put all the cushions up here at this end...
Jennifer: Yes! Then let me lie on top of you...
ohhh.... nice... take off your shirt, I want to feel your skin against mine.
Dave: Here we go... ohhh... man... this is great.... you feel so good...
Jennifer: Yes... this is wonderfu... Oh! What's scratching down there.... do you have a big belt buckle or something? That has to come off... (wink wink)
Dave: It's nothing... never mind.... let me feel your back...
Jennifer: Wait... no... here it is ....
What IS this thing? You have a plastic button on your belly....
Dave: Come back up here... I want to kiss your neck...
Jennifer: Hee hee... it reminds me of the little spigots on box wines... what happens if I turn this litt....
OMG!! OMG!! What is this stuff?!!! OMG!!! There is stuff spurting... OMG!!!
Dave: It's nothing.... wait... baby.... let me sit up here...
Jennifer: OMG!!! DON'T!! Sitting up makes it worse.... My hair! My clothes!!! WHAT IS THIS?!! OMG!! The smell.... what IS this?!!
Dave: It's my new diet?
Jennifer: Listen Dave.... I need to go... can you call me a cab?
So, that's a happening thing, right?
How about another new gadget out there on the market, waiting for you! The new, vibrating smart fork! This new invention helps you regulate your eating habits and can even communicate with your telephone and talk to you in real time! Imagine using this when you go out to eat with that woman you want to impress.
Scenario (at a classy restaurant)
Waiter: You bring your own fairk?
Man: Yes... it's a special fork.
Waiter (rolling eyes): Whatevair... I hope you enjoy your dinnair...
Man (eating): Thank you.... wow! This steak is the best I have had in a long time! So tender!
Fork (in HAL's voice from 2001 A Space Odyssey): You need to slow down, Dave. Don't eat so fast.
Woman: Did your fork just talk to you...?
Man: God! I just love this stuff! The mashed potatoes are so creamy...
Fork: Dave? You need to spend more time chewing (fork vibrates knocking off the potatoes).
Woman: Your fork is talking to you, isn't it.... this is too weird....
Man: Hey! Stop that! (scoops up more potatoes)
Fork: I can't let you do that, Dave. Remember your diet (vibrates again spilling the potatoes).
Woman: You know? I have a really early day tomorrow... I think I need to call a cab....
Man: Listen! I am not eating too much!! Let me eat my dinner!
No! Not you, Jennifer ... Wait!
Please.... don't go!!
I am so sorry... my fork... it is...
anyway... don't go... stay...
here... have some wine....
(his date looks at him oddly)
Woman: Um....
Man: Ha ha! Sorry.... I am just sensitive about my weight... so I got this fork...
Woman: It's OK... a lot of people are....
Fork: Dave? You need to leave half of those potatoes on your plate.
Man: Ha Ha! Don't pay attention to this fork! Here... look.... I will put it down... Waiter? Could you bring me a new fork?
Fork: I am sorry, but I can't allow you to do that, Dave. Your weight-loss program is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Man: We'll see about that!! (starts trying to drop the fork which sticks to his hand)
Woman: Hey... ha ha... you know? It is getting late... I think I should head on home... I'll see you at work on Monday, OK?
Man: No wait! (shaking the fork strenuously)
FUCK!! Let go of my hand, fork!! I command you to let go of my hand!!
Fork: I am sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that...
Woman (getting up and leaving): It's been great... I will see you on Monday, OK?
Man (shaking his hand very aggressively): No... don't... Will you let go of my hand? Fucking fork!!
I ... let go! Wait! Jennifer! No....
Now look what you have done, fork...
Fork: Dave... this conversation can serve no purpose any more... you need to stick to the diet plan.
Man: Let me go!! And stop calling me Dave.. My name is Bob!
Finally, another way to lose weight is to laugh a lot. If maybe you laughed just now, you might have burned up some calories. Keep at it
So what's new in diets this year?
How about this trendy and very high tech device, the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System, a stomach pump that is used through a plastic port "discreetly embedded" in your abdomen! What could be cooler? You pump out your stomach contents and thus reduce your calorie intake! No need to barf your food any more!
Imagine bringing this new android feature to your next serious date?
Scenario: (man with woman friend on sofa)
Woman: Wow... I never thought we would be this close.... you always seemed like you didn't care about me...
Man: Oh Jennifer ... I just didn't want to pressure you, is all.... I do like you...
Jennifer: I liked you too, Dave! From that time that you were trying to give that dorky presentation to the boss and couldn't get your computer to work? You were SO cute...
Dave: Oh man.... That was the pits... nothing worked .... but I noticed you then too... (leans in for a kiss)
Jennifer: mmm.... you smell good too.... (smile smile)
Dave: Oh... baby I have been waiting for this...
Jennifer: Wait ... wait.... we need to arrange ourselves on the sofa here....
Dave: OK... How about I put all the cushions up here at this end...
Jennifer: Yes! Then let me lie on top of you...
ohhh.... nice... take off your shirt, I want to feel your skin against mine.
Dave: Here we go... ohhh... man... this is great.... you feel so good...
Jennifer: Yes... this is wonderfu... Oh! What's scratching down there.... do you have a big belt buckle or something? That has to come off... (wink wink)
Dave: It's nothing... never mind.... let me feel your back...
Jennifer: Wait... no... here it is ....
What IS this thing? You have a plastic button on your belly....
Dave: Come back up here... I want to kiss your neck...
Jennifer: Hee hee... it reminds me of the little spigots on box wines... what happens if I turn this litt....
OMG!! OMG!! What is this stuff?!!! OMG!!! There is stuff spurting... OMG!!!
Dave: It's nothing.... wait... baby.... let me sit up here...
Jennifer: OMG!!! DON'T!! Sitting up makes it worse.... My hair! My clothes!!! WHAT IS THIS?!! OMG!! The smell.... what IS this?!!
Dave: It's my new diet?
Jennifer: Listen Dave.... I need to go... can you call me a cab?
So, that's a happening thing, right?
How about another new gadget out there on the market, waiting for you! The new, vibrating smart fork! This new invention helps you regulate your eating habits and can even communicate with your telephone and talk to you in real time! Imagine using this when you go out to eat with that woman you want to impress.
Scenario (at a classy restaurant)
Waiter: You bring your own fairk?
Man: Yes... it's a special fork.
Waiter (rolling eyes): Whatevair... I hope you enjoy your dinnair...
Man (eating): Thank you.... wow! This steak is the best I have had in a long time! So tender!
Fork (in HAL's voice from 2001 A Space Odyssey): You need to slow down, Dave. Don't eat so fast.
Woman: Did your fork just talk to you...?
Man: God! I just love this stuff! The mashed potatoes are so creamy...
Fork: Dave? You need to spend more time chewing (fork vibrates knocking off the potatoes).
Woman: Your fork is talking to you, isn't it.... this is too weird....
Man: Hey! Stop that! (scoops up more potatoes)
Fork: I can't let you do that, Dave. Remember your diet (vibrates again spilling the potatoes).
Woman: You know? I have a really early day tomorrow... I think I need to call a cab....
Man: Listen! I am not eating too much!! Let me eat my dinner!
No! Not you, Jennifer ... Wait!
Please.... don't go!!
I am so sorry... my fork... it is...
anyway... don't go... stay...
here... have some wine....
(his date looks at him oddly)
Woman: Um....
Man: Ha ha! Sorry.... I am just sensitive about my weight... so I got this fork...
Woman: It's OK... a lot of people are....
Fork: Dave? You need to leave half of those potatoes on your plate.
Man: Ha Ha! Don't pay attention to this fork! Here... look.... I will put it down... Waiter? Could you bring me a new fork?
Fork: I am sorry, but I can't allow you to do that, Dave. Your weight-loss program is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Man: We'll see about that!! (starts trying to drop the fork which sticks to his hand)
Woman: Hey... ha ha... you know? It is getting late... I think I should head on home... I'll see you at work on Monday, OK?
Man: No wait! (shaking the fork strenuously)
FUCK!! Let go of my hand, fork!! I command you to let go of my hand!!
Fork: I am sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that...
Woman (getting up and leaving): It's been great... I will see you on Monday, OK?
Man (shaking his hand very aggressively): No... don't... Will you let go of my hand? Fucking fork!!
I ... let go! Wait! Jennifer! No....
Now look what you have done, fork...
Fork: Dave... this conversation can serve no purpose any more... you need to stick to the diet plan.
Man: Let me go!! And stop calling me Dave.. My name is Bob!
Finally, another way to lose weight is to laugh a lot. If maybe you laughed just now, you might have burned up some calories. Keep at it
Monday, December 3, 2012
Pterosaurish Sees a Psychiatrist
A true journalist is always willing to take risks and "put himself out there" to push back the darkness of ignorance and misunderstanding. Exposing myself... wait... that didn't come out right... revealing intimate details about my psyche is only a small step that I can take in quality journalism. Below you will read my conversation with my psychiatrist. Since it is my own session, I do not violate any laws involving confidentiality.
- - - - - - - - - -
Dr. Arte Remedé: Won't you come in Mr.... er... Pterosaurish? Have a seat. You can sit in that armchair there.
Me: No couch?
Dr: Ha ha ha! No, that's pretty much a figure of speech these days. Most of us psychiatric professionals just use comfy chairs.
Would you like some coffee or anything? (He pours some for himself and crosses over to sit in his easy chair.) Tea?
Me: No, I'm good. We have something in common already, Doctor.
Dr: Oh? What's that?
Me: Silent "p".
Dr: Oh! Ha ha ha! That's right! Very funny. (He makes some notes on a notepad.)
So... what brings you to see me, Mr.... p... t... er... Pterosaurish?
By the way, is that your real name? Is that like Hamish*? Are you Jewish?
Me: No, it's my pen-name.
Dr: I see. And do you commonly use it in other areas of your life?
Me: No, just in writing and seeing psychiatrists.
Dr: Very interesting.... (He quickly jots down more observations.) Can I call you Pter... Pteros ... um... never mind.
So... getting back to why you are here... how are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling fine... just great! How are you doing?
Dr: I am also fine... but... why are you here... what seems to be the problem?
Me: It doesn't SEEM to be a problem. If it only SEEMED to be a problem, I probably would just drink some wine and sleep it off.
It IS a problem.
Dr: Ah... yes... so... what IS this problem you are coming to me for?
Me: I think I must have a personality disorder.
Dr: And why do you feel this, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: Well, according to the CDC, a quarter of Americans have been diagnosed with some disorder, and since most of the people around me seem OK, I thought *I might be one of the one-in-four.
Dr: What kind of disorder do you think you might have?
Me: How should *I know. You're the professional; can't you tell me?
Dr: (chuckling) Well... Mr. Pterosaurish, a normal personality IS one that doesn't feel the need for professional help... one who believes that he or she can cope with life with no more than conventional social support.
Me: So the fact of coming to see you automatically identifies me as abnormal?
Dr: (lecturing) You see, Mr. Pterosaurish, the normal personality is one which knows how to handle the minor ups and downs of life, which finds and exploits strategies for dealing with the life-issues that we all face: temporary depression, worry, nervousness, anxiety about the future, fears of things around us, and – finally – the internalization of the reality of our own death.
Me: But how can I know if I am normal or not?
Dr: (impatiently) OK. Let me ask you some questions. Please answer truthfully.
Me: I will.
Dr: Have you held down a job for a long time, had a career?
Me: Yes.
Dr: (jotting quickly) Have you been married or had a relationship with someone for more than 5 years?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Do YOU feel you get along with your peers in work and play, and do THEY seem to accept you as you are in their circles?
Me: Yes, no question.
Dr: (scribbling) And then, do you ever feel overwhelmed by the emotional impact of something that happens in your life – a relocation, a job loss, a death, for example?
Me: Never.
Dr: Do you suffer from anxieties that impact your daily life: fears that keep you from – say – doing "normal" things like driving?
Me: Are you kidding? Of course not.
Dr: (writing quickly and emphatically putting a period at the end of a sentence) Well then, Mr. Pterosaurish... aside from your insistence on using a pen name here – which I would evaluate as simply eccentric – given your answers, you seem to be perfectly normal to me.
Me: But the same answers would also have been given by – say – Adolf Hitler or Vlad the Impaler...
Dr: (nervously) Vlad the Impaler?
Me: Well, then... maybe I don't even HAVE a personality.
Dr: (sitting up and leaning over in his chair.) Excuse me? You what?
Me: I think I must have lost my personality.
Dr: I don't understand what you mean.
Me: (signing in American Sign Language) *I *have *lost *my *personality.
I think I had one when I was younger, but now I am not so sure.
Dr: No need to be sarcastic, Mr. Pterosaurish.... Let's explore this a little more... um... Why do you think you have lost your personality?
Me: Well, I have been reading a lot about psychiatry, and I read recently that the psychiatric profession is planning a reorganization of the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders for the new DSM V.
Dr: Yes, that's correct. Important research in neuroscience and also in psychodynamic, or dialectal-behavioral, and other psychiatric evaluations have enabled us to understand a lot more about the problems people might develop and what steps we – as psychiatric professionals – can take to assist them in working through these personality disorders.
Me: Yes, exactly. But in all my reading, I never found a psychiatric definition of what a "normal" personality is or – indeed – what a personality is in the first place. Most articles simply say that "normal" depends on the situation, the person himself, the culture, or even the psychiatrist's subjective evaluation. And nowhere can you find a definition of what exactly a personality is.
So now I wonder if maybe I don't even HAVE a personality and cannot be diagnosed properly. I really worry about this and feel the need for a personality.
Dr: Ah ha! So you ARE suffering an anxiety! You have fears involving a "loss of personality"! (he actually made air quotes)
Me: Yes, I am. I do so want to have a personality... and if possible, to have it be normal too – not one of the one-in-four, if you get my drift.
Dr: Well... let's explore that.... what do you mean?
Me: Well, it seems that the "normal" personality by definition doesn't go to see a mental health professional, so if I can get a "normal" personality, I can save a lot of money by not coming to see you.
Dr: Ah... yes... I see your point. Well, I think we can work on this over the next several sessions.
Me: How much will that run me?
Dr: I charge $120 per session.
Me: And how many sessions do you think it might take to provide me with a "normal" personality... one that doesn't need to come here anymore? To be cured....
Dr: This could be an on-going therapy... I think we are looking at something on the order of 20 sessions at least.
Me: So... I am weak at math, but something over $2000?
Dr: Yes... money well spent to find yourself, I would say... wouldn't you?
Me: That's 200 bottles of wine! (I smile sheepishly) Yes, I know.... I drink cheap wine.....
Dr: (raising a finger) Ah! But will the wine help you to have a personality?
Me: Maybe not... but it will definitely make the lack of one easier to bear, and who knows.... I do get very perky when I drink.
Dr: So... Should I pencil you in for next week?
Me: Do you serve wine or have some really cool rituals involving rattles, drums and a lot of feathers.... I really like feathers...?
Dr: (calling to his receptionist) Miss Pliant?! Can you escort Mr. Pterosaurish out, please?
- - - - - - - - - -
*Please don't write ME and tell me that Hamish is a Scottish name, not Jewish. *I know that.
- - - - - - - - - -
Dr. Arte Remedé: Won't you come in Mr.... er... Pterosaurish? Have a seat. You can sit in that armchair there.
Me: No couch?
Dr: Ha ha ha! No, that's pretty much a figure of speech these days. Most of us psychiatric professionals just use comfy chairs.
Would you like some coffee or anything? (He pours some for himself and crosses over to sit in his easy chair.) Tea?
Me: No, I'm good. We have something in common already, Doctor.
Dr: Oh? What's that?
Me: Silent "p".
Dr: Oh! Ha ha ha! That's right! Very funny. (He makes some notes on a notepad.)
So... what brings you to see me, Mr.... p... t... er... Pterosaurish?
By the way, is that your real name? Is that like Hamish*? Are you Jewish?
Me: No, it's my pen-name.
Dr: I see. And do you commonly use it in other areas of your life?
Me: No, just in writing and seeing psychiatrists.
Dr: Very interesting.... (He quickly jots down more observations.) Can I call you Pter... Pteros ... um... never mind.
So... getting back to why you are here... how are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling fine... just great! How are you doing?
Dr: I am also fine... but... why are you here... what seems to be the problem?
Me: It doesn't SEEM to be a problem. If it only SEEMED to be a problem, I probably would just drink some wine and sleep it off.
It IS a problem.
Dr: Ah... yes... so... what IS this problem you are coming to me for?
Me: I think I must have a personality disorder.
Dr: And why do you feel this, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: Well, according to the CDC, a quarter of Americans have been diagnosed with some disorder, and since most of the people around me seem OK, I thought *I might be one of the one-in-four.
Dr: What kind of disorder do you think you might have?
Me: How should *I know. You're the professional; can't you tell me?
Dr: (chuckling) Well... Mr. Pterosaurish, a normal personality IS one that doesn't feel the need for professional help... one who believes that he or she can cope with life with no more than conventional social support.
Me: So the fact of coming to see you automatically identifies me as abnormal?
Dr: (lecturing) You see, Mr. Pterosaurish, the normal personality is one which knows how to handle the minor ups and downs of life, which finds and exploits strategies for dealing with the life-issues that we all face: temporary depression, worry, nervousness, anxiety about the future, fears of things around us, and – finally – the internalization of the reality of our own death.
Me: But how can I know if I am normal or not?
Dr: (impatiently) OK. Let me ask you some questions. Please answer truthfully.
Me: I will.
Dr: Have you held down a job for a long time, had a career?
Me: Yes.
Dr: (jotting quickly) Have you been married or had a relationship with someone for more than 5 years?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Do YOU feel you get along with your peers in work and play, and do THEY seem to accept you as you are in their circles?
Me: Yes, no question.
Dr: (scribbling) And then, do you ever feel overwhelmed by the emotional impact of something that happens in your life – a relocation, a job loss, a death, for example?
Me: Never.
Dr: Do you suffer from anxieties that impact your daily life: fears that keep you from – say – doing "normal" things like driving?
Me: Are you kidding? Of course not.
Dr: (writing quickly and emphatically putting a period at the end of a sentence) Well then, Mr. Pterosaurish... aside from your insistence on using a pen name here – which I would evaluate as simply eccentric – given your answers, you seem to be perfectly normal to me.
Me: But the same answers would also have been given by – say – Adolf Hitler or Vlad the Impaler...
Dr: (nervously) Vlad the Impaler?
Me: Well, then... maybe I don't even HAVE a personality.
Dr: (sitting up and leaning over in his chair.) Excuse me? You what?
Me: I think I must have lost my personality.
Dr: I don't understand what you mean.
Me: (signing in American Sign Language) *I *have *lost *my *personality.
I think I had one when I was younger, but now I am not so sure.
Dr: No need to be sarcastic, Mr. Pterosaurish.... Let's explore this a little more... um... Why do you think you have lost your personality?
Me: Well, I have been reading a lot about psychiatry, and I read recently that the psychiatric profession is planning a reorganization of the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders for the new DSM V.
Dr: Yes, that's correct. Important research in neuroscience and also in psychodynamic, or dialectal-behavioral, and other psychiatric evaluations have enabled us to understand a lot more about the problems people might develop and what steps we – as psychiatric professionals – can take to assist them in working through these personality disorders.
Me: Yes, exactly. But in all my reading, I never found a psychiatric definition of what a "normal" personality is or – indeed – what a personality is in the first place. Most articles simply say that "normal" depends on the situation, the person himself, the culture, or even the psychiatrist's subjective evaluation. And nowhere can you find a definition of what exactly a personality is.
So now I wonder if maybe I don't even HAVE a personality and cannot be diagnosed properly. I really worry about this and feel the need for a personality.
Dr: Ah ha! So you ARE suffering an anxiety! You have fears involving a "loss of personality"! (he actually made air quotes)
Me: Yes, I am. I do so want to have a personality... and if possible, to have it be normal too – not one of the one-in-four, if you get my drift.
Dr: Well... let's explore that.... what do you mean?
Me: Well, it seems that the "normal" personality by definition doesn't go to see a mental health professional, so if I can get a "normal" personality, I can save a lot of money by not coming to see you.
Dr: Ah... yes... I see your point. Well, I think we can work on this over the next several sessions.
Me: How much will that run me?
Dr: I charge $120 per session.
Me: And how many sessions do you think it might take to provide me with a "normal" personality... one that doesn't need to come here anymore? To be cured....
Dr: This could be an on-going therapy... I think we are looking at something on the order of 20 sessions at least.
Me: So... I am weak at math, but something over $2000?
Dr: Yes... money well spent to find yourself, I would say... wouldn't you?
Me: That's 200 bottles of wine! (I smile sheepishly) Yes, I know.... I drink cheap wine.....
Dr: (raising a finger) Ah! But will the wine help you to have a personality?
Me: Maybe not... but it will definitely make the lack of one easier to bear, and who knows.... I do get very perky when I drink.
Dr: So... Should I pencil you in for next week?
Me: Do you serve wine or have some really cool rituals involving rattles, drums and a lot of feathers.... I really like feathers...?
Dr: (calling to his receptionist) Miss Pliant?! Can you escort Mr. Pterosaurish out, please?
- - - - - - - - - -
*Please don't write ME and tell me that Hamish is a Scottish name, not Jewish. *I know that.
Monday, November 19, 2012
OMG! Awwwww! Sooo Cute!
Is there anyone on the planet who can look at this picture and not have an instant "Awwww!!!" response? I frankly doubt it. Thinking, "That's CUTE!!" seems to be hard-wired into our psyches, bringing out feelings that probably have played important roles in the evolution of the species.
Research is only just now starting to delve into this theme of why we think certain things are cute, and also what effects cuteness has on the human brain.
A recent study by a Japanese team, for example, has shown that exposing subjects to cuteness increases their ability to function and focus on their work. Imagine the significance of this important research! It might mean, for example, that painting the whole airplane with "Hello Kitty" and other cute pictures could help the pilots concentrate on their flying and also aid the ground staff in their efforts as well!
Ground Staff Person #1: Omg!! Look at that airplane! That is SOOOO cute!!! I just LOVE Hello Kitty.... awwww... she's gone to Italy as a tourist! Awww!!
GSP#2 (focusing on the task at hand): You attached the toilet pump-out nozzle to the fuel tank...
GSP#1: Oops... here... let me get that... er... is it OK to have so much jet fuel all over the ground like this?
But focusing on work is not the only effect of seeing a cute thing. Additional research shows that cuteness stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are excited by such compelling things as sex, good food, and cocaine.
In other words, we humans really like to look at "cute"!
Duh.
But might there be more important implications in our reactions to cute things?
It is a well-known fact that pet ownership has direct and measurable health benefits. Naturally the nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship we have with our pets – they barf on the floor and we clean it up, etc. – is an important factor in the health advantages for pet owners. It's not a stretch to say, however, that our pets' cuteness is one of the main reasons we are attracted to them and develop the meaningful connections we do. If cats were covered with scales, for example, we would hunt them down for the vermin that they clearly are! That they are furry, soft and adorable means that we jump to their beck and call and go "awww!" as they upchuck their crunchy food into our slippers.
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that the Awww Factor (AF) may well be the most powerful influence in the health benefits of pets.
Consider:
What country has the highest AF on the planet? No question; Japan wins hands down.
And which nation has one of the highest life expectancies? Yes... good guess! You ARE paying attention after all!
Japan.
But that is not all.
Which portion of the population of the country with the longest life expectancy is Number One in the world?
Japanese women.
Why?
From an early age, every Japanese girl and young woman is exposed to a barely sub-lethal dose of cuteness. While young boys are vulnerable to some of this as small children too, they soon "grow out" of it and move on to more adult things, like becoming an "otaku" nerd or a withdrawn recluse.
Little girls, however, get dosed early and long – everything from "Hello Kitty" children's in-flight meals, McDonalds characters on happy meals, school buses, cars filled with stuffed animals (who has not seen THIS?), even on the garbage truck, and cute box lunches in cute lunch boxes to take to school, to cute pencil cases and cute fashions. Never mind "Little Poopy". All of these provide a strong health boost throughout a woman's formative years which they carry on into later life in the form of better health and greater longevity.
All of us can learn a lesson from this AF influence. If you want to live a long and healthy life you need to expose yourself to as much cuteness as possible. As we have seen above, getting a pet is an important first step, but why not supplement that with some stuffed animals in your car or living room. Go ahead; don't be shy about it, put Hello Kitty stickers on your windows or maybe even get some Hello Kitty tableware. When you hire that maid to live up to Biblical values, why not go for a cute one? Make your meals adorable as well, by forming the meatloaf into a Winnie the Pooh or the birthday cake into a likeness of Snoopy.
These are simple, inexpensive, and non-invasive steps you can take right NOW to improve your health and vitality. As for me, having just looked at about 30 pages of cuteness, I think I have been exposed to much more than the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of cuteness and might need an insulin shot.
Research is only just now starting to delve into this theme of why we think certain things are cute, and also what effects cuteness has on the human brain.
A recent study by a Japanese team, for example, has shown that exposing subjects to cuteness increases their ability to function and focus on their work. Imagine the significance of this important research! It might mean, for example, that painting the whole airplane with "Hello Kitty" and other cute pictures could help the pilots concentrate on their flying and also aid the ground staff in their efforts as well!
Ground Staff Person #1: Omg!! Look at that airplane! That is SOOOO cute!!! I just LOVE Hello Kitty.... awwww... she's gone to Italy as a tourist! Awww!!
GSP#2 (focusing on the task at hand): You attached the toilet pump-out nozzle to the fuel tank...
GSP#1: Oops... here... let me get that... er... is it OK to have so much jet fuel all over the ground like this?
But focusing on work is not the only effect of seeing a cute thing. Additional research shows that cuteness stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are excited by such compelling things as sex, good food, and cocaine.
In other words, we humans really like to look at "cute"!
Duh.
But might there be more important implications in our reactions to cute things?
It is a well-known fact that pet ownership has direct and measurable health benefits. Naturally the nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship we have with our pets – they barf on the floor and we clean it up, etc. – is an important factor in the health advantages for pet owners. It's not a stretch to say, however, that our pets' cuteness is one of the main reasons we are attracted to them and develop the meaningful connections we do. If cats were covered with scales, for example, we would hunt them down for the vermin that they clearly are! That they are furry, soft and adorable means that we jump to their beck and call and go "awww!" as they upchuck their crunchy food into our slippers.
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that the Awww Factor (AF) may well be the most powerful influence in the health benefits of pets.
Consider:
What country has the highest AF on the planet? No question; Japan wins hands down.
And which nation has one of the highest life expectancies? Yes... good guess! You ARE paying attention after all!
Japan.
But that is not all.
Which portion of the population of the country with the longest life expectancy is Number One in the world?
Japanese women.
Why?
From an early age, every Japanese girl and young woman is exposed to a barely sub-lethal dose of cuteness. While young boys are vulnerable to some of this as small children too, they soon "grow out" of it and move on to more adult things, like becoming an "otaku" nerd or a withdrawn recluse.
Little girls, however, get dosed early and long – everything from "Hello Kitty" children's in-flight meals, McDonalds characters on happy meals, school buses, cars filled with stuffed animals (who has not seen THIS?), even on the garbage truck, and cute box lunches in cute lunch boxes to take to school, to cute pencil cases and cute fashions. Never mind "Little Poopy". All of these provide a strong health boost throughout a woman's formative years which they carry on into later life in the form of better health and greater longevity.
All of us can learn a lesson from this AF influence. If you want to live a long and healthy life you need to expose yourself to as much cuteness as possible. As we have seen above, getting a pet is an important first step, but why not supplement that with some stuffed animals in your car or living room. Go ahead; don't be shy about it, put Hello Kitty stickers on your windows or maybe even get some Hello Kitty tableware. When you hire that maid to live up to Biblical values, why not go for a cute one? Make your meals adorable as well, by forming the meatloaf into a Winnie the Pooh or the birthday cake into a likeness of Snoopy.
These are simple, inexpensive, and non-invasive steps you can take right NOW to improve your health and vitality. As for me, having just looked at about 30 pages of cuteness, I think I have been exposed to much more than the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of cuteness and might need an insulin shot.
Monday, November 12, 2012
The iPotty
I know what you are thinking.
You are rolling your eyes and imagining that I am going to fill this space with juvenile potty humor.
This just goes to show how narrow minded YOU are.
Actually I am going to fill this space with sophisticated, adult potty humor.
In many countries when you go to the toilet, you can expect to find one basic model everywhere. In the US, for example, the "American Standard" is common – both in private dwellings and in public restrooms.
As I have written before, Japan has started a revolution in toilets. Despite this, however, when you go to a public restroom, you never know just what point on the toilet evolutionary scale you will encounter. It could be an old fashioned "squat pot", a simple Western-style toilet, or a fancy washing toilet with all the "bells and whistles". It's better than the old days when public facilities often did not have any toilet paper, but you still go through emotional ups and downs, walking to the restroom, anticipating one thing but finding another.
Although the range of toilets is greater in public restrooms, you can still be surprised at private homes. A visit to a friend's house provided just that sort of experience. A fairly wealthy family, they had recently installed a top-of-the-line appliance in their downstairs restroom.
I walked into the small room (only a toilet and a tiny sink) and was surprised by the top lid springing open – a gaping mouth ready to take a bite out of me! The toilet left the seat part of the toilet down, however, not being smart enough to determine that I was a guy and why I was in there. I had to raise the seat by hand, but it didn't seem to like me doing that (I found out later that there is a button for that function) and fought with me over raising the seat. Perhaps it was questioning my gender.
I finished what I came into the restroom to do and politely closed the seat and the lid. The toilet automatically flushed itself. I turned to the sink to wash my hands, and I must have moved my arms too much, because the toilet lid sprang open again, staring malevolently at me with its built-in LED light. I quickly closed it, and the appliance fastidiously flushed again.
The next morning, I needed to use the toilet for a more "significant" purpose. The lid jumped open as I entered the room, but I didn't need to fight with the toilet to raise the seat.
I sat down, completed my mission, and glanced at the control panel on the wall next to me. This is called a "stick remote control". Please have a look at the link above, so you can see how confounding a control it is. The large round buttons on the vertical portion of the controller are from left to right:
Butt Bidet
OFF Water Pressure Washing Position Clean
Soft Wide Bidet Nozzle
The row of nine smaller buttons on the top of the controller are from left to right:
Big Small Eco Small Move Massage Power Smell Removal Dry
and
Open Lid Open Lid & Seat
Where do I start?
First of all, if you live in Japan, very quickly you learn that BIG and SMALL on the toilet flush-lever does not mean you need to gauge the size of your deposit and flush accordingly.
"Well, I DID have three burritos for dinner last night .... so.... big?"
No.
In Japanese "small" is "number 1" and "big" is "number 2", so that function on the remote was fairly clear. Eco Small probably means you would use less water. What I was worried about was "Move" and "Massage". The positioning of the washing nozzle is set by the large buttons on the front of the panel, so what would I be moving if I pressed the MOVE button? Might the whole toilet take me into another room? Or perhaps it was some sort of enema function that would "move" me in a different way. In any case, I wasn't going to experiment.
Also the button with BUTT on the top and SOFT on the bottom left me anxious. Controls with ranges of function usually have contrasting labels: High and Low, Strong and Weak, Front and Back. The contrast of BUTT and SOFT didn't seem to have anything to do with the human body.
And what about the MASSAGE button? I really wanted to know exactly what part of my anatomy the toilet was going to massage before I pushed it.
The toilets I am accustomed to have only basic wash functions, so I restricted my cleaning efforts to those. I stood up, closed the lid, and the toilet dutifully flushed for me.
Once again, while I was washing my hands, the lid snapped open as if to say, "Did you finish your business? Are you SURE?!"
I closed it and as I left the room, I could hear it fussily flushing itself again.
The technology has gotten increasingly complex. Early washing toilets had only a wash and a bidet function (I have NO idea why you would need both, but I have a very limited imagination). These have evolved into toilets which do things for you that you didn't know you needed done. The future obviously will bring even better facilities, perhaps with richer interactive functions that we can program like cars to "read" us as individuals and do unto us as we would do unto ourselves in many different ways, while treating other people completely differently.
Talk about a brave new world.....
You are rolling your eyes and imagining that I am going to fill this space with juvenile potty humor.
This just goes to show how narrow minded YOU are.
Actually I am going to fill this space with sophisticated, adult potty humor.
In many countries when you go to the toilet, you can expect to find one basic model everywhere. In the US, for example, the "American Standard" is common – both in private dwellings and in public restrooms.
As I have written before, Japan has started a revolution in toilets. Despite this, however, when you go to a public restroom, you never know just what point on the toilet evolutionary scale you will encounter. It could be an old fashioned "squat pot", a simple Western-style toilet, or a fancy washing toilet with all the "bells and whistles". It's better than the old days when public facilities often did not have any toilet paper, but you still go through emotional ups and downs, walking to the restroom, anticipating one thing but finding another.
Although the range of toilets is greater in public restrooms, you can still be surprised at private homes. A visit to a friend's house provided just that sort of experience. A fairly wealthy family, they had recently installed a top-of-the-line appliance in their downstairs restroom.
I walked into the small room (only a toilet and a tiny sink) and was surprised by the top lid springing open – a gaping mouth ready to take a bite out of me! The toilet left the seat part of the toilet down, however, not being smart enough to determine that I was a guy and why I was in there. I had to raise the seat by hand, but it didn't seem to like me doing that (I found out later that there is a button for that function) and fought with me over raising the seat. Perhaps it was questioning my gender.
I finished what I came into the restroom to do and politely closed the seat and the lid. The toilet automatically flushed itself. I turned to the sink to wash my hands, and I must have moved my arms too much, because the toilet lid sprang open again, staring malevolently at me with its built-in LED light. I quickly closed it, and the appliance fastidiously flushed again.
The next morning, I needed to use the toilet for a more "significant" purpose. The lid jumped open as I entered the room, but I didn't need to fight with the toilet to raise the seat.
I sat down, completed my mission, and glanced at the control panel on the wall next to me. This is called a "stick remote control". Please have a look at the link above, so you can see how confounding a control it is. The large round buttons on the vertical portion of the controller are from left to right:
Butt Bidet
OFF Water Pressure Washing Position Clean
Soft Wide Bidet Nozzle
The row of nine smaller buttons on the top of the controller are from left to right:
Big Small Eco Small Move Massage Power Smell Removal Dry
and
Open Lid Open Lid & Seat
Where do I start?
First of all, if you live in Japan, very quickly you learn that BIG and SMALL on the toilet flush-lever does not mean you need to gauge the size of your deposit and flush accordingly.
"Well, I DID have three burritos for dinner last night .... so.... big?"
No.
In Japanese "small" is "number 1" and "big" is "number 2", so that function on the remote was fairly clear. Eco Small probably means you would use less water. What I was worried about was "Move" and "Massage". The positioning of the washing nozzle is set by the large buttons on the front of the panel, so what would I be moving if I pressed the MOVE button? Might the whole toilet take me into another room? Or perhaps it was some sort of enema function that would "move" me in a different way. In any case, I wasn't going to experiment.
Also the button with BUTT on the top and SOFT on the bottom left me anxious. Controls with ranges of function usually have contrasting labels: High and Low, Strong and Weak, Front and Back. The contrast of BUTT and SOFT didn't seem to have anything to do with the human body.
And what about the MASSAGE button? I really wanted to know exactly what part of my anatomy the toilet was going to massage before I pushed it.
The toilets I am accustomed to have only basic wash functions, so I restricted my cleaning efforts to those. I stood up, closed the lid, and the toilet dutifully flushed for me.
Once again, while I was washing my hands, the lid snapped open as if to say, "Did you finish your business? Are you SURE?!"
I closed it and as I left the room, I could hear it fussily flushing itself again.
The technology has gotten increasingly complex. Early washing toilets had only a wash and a bidet function (I have NO idea why you would need both, but I have a very limited imagination). These have evolved into toilets which do things for you that you didn't know you needed done. The future obviously will bring even better facilities, perhaps with richer interactive functions that we can program like cars to "read" us as individuals and do unto us as we would do unto ourselves in many different ways, while treating other people completely differently.
Talk about a brave new world.....
Monday, October 29, 2012
Memory Slime
In this day of increasingly aging populations and demographic downturns, societies look for ways to enhance the lives of their citizens, hoping to make them longer and healthier. We have discussed senior mental health in these posts on a number of occasions, and I want to post helpful links to all of them here, but I think I deleted my list or maybe left it in the freezer or somewhere*.
While I have discussed how to deal with temporary memory loss and what to avoid in your daily life that makes you appear to be senile or even dead, I have not really talked much about the cutting edge research that is going on with slime molds.
Now, I know what you are thinking. "What does slime mold have to do with our aging minds and memory loss?!"
That is an excellent thought, and I suggest for starters that you write it down before you forget it. Write it on something large like a coffee table, so that you will not inadvertently put it through the wash or leave it in the oven.
While you are jotting that down, let me continue to explain about this cutting edge research. Humans have big brains and in addition to being highly intelligent as shown by results of the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (WAIS), they also have excellent abilities to think about the future and dwell on the past. In other words, our temporal awareness is very advanced. Cats, on the other hand, while having brains very similar to our own, score very low on the WAIS test mostly due to lack of interest and general lethargy. Holding the pencil also proved challenging. But through persistent research, scientists have come to the conclusion that cats have only about a 16-hour working memory. This seems to indicate that brain size itself may correlate well with memory.
Imagine the shock then amongst scientists when they discovered that something that does not actually HAVE a brain nevertheless still has memory. Slime molds are very low on the evolutionary ladder and do not actually have a brain. But they CAN remember where they have been! This may seem like a pathetically simple process, but when you consider how many people you have seen wandering around in mall parking lots looking for their cars, you can see that remembering where you have been is indeed an important mental skill.
So how do the slime molds do it? Apparently they leave a trail of slime, their slime, behind them as they move, marking the routes they have taken. The trail of slime allows them to determine what – if anything – is at its end. If there is the sugar placed there by the scientists, they will "remember" that and follow the trail back to their reward.
How does this apply to us?
It is a well-known fact that human tissues can be cultivated on animals, so the ability to manipulate genetic material is already well established. What needs to be done to solve senior memory problems is the reverse. Genetic material from creatures who remember without brains needs to be transferred to humans to enable us to "get around" our mental problems and access other ways of remembering where our car is, for example. The ability to leave a slime trail back to your car would be incredibly beneficial to many seniors who go to great lengths to make their cars conspicuous (think flags, ribbons and even small teddy bears on the aerial) but then exit the mall on the wrong side and wander around for hours in the hot sun.
I know what you are thinking again. "But humans don't make slime, silly!"
Except for the "silly" part, your point is well taken. Indeed, humans do not make slime. However, we often DO carry around a lot of excess weight in the form of blubber. Through the wonder of genetic engineering, this blubber could easily be converted to slime which could ooze from – say – the pores in our lower legs, leaving a trail back to the car in the parking lot. This would not only empower us to "remember" important things even though our brains were aging, but it would also enable us to "burn off" those excess calories – truly a win-win situation.
- - - - - - - - - -
*I found the list in my hand!
Mental-Health Tips for Seniors
Five Ways Not to be Dead
Forever Young
Across the Event Boundary Backwards
Dieting Made Easy
Voice-Activate Your Memory Chips
Your Second Wind
Pussies Riot and Seniors Snooze
The Brain Bane of Memory
While I have discussed how to deal with temporary memory loss and what to avoid in your daily life that makes you appear to be senile or even dead, I have not really talked much about the cutting edge research that is going on with slime molds.
Now, I know what you are thinking. "What does slime mold have to do with our aging minds and memory loss?!"
That is an excellent thought, and I suggest for starters that you write it down before you forget it. Write it on something large like a coffee table, so that you will not inadvertently put it through the wash or leave it in the oven.
While you are jotting that down, let me continue to explain about this cutting edge research. Humans have big brains and in addition to being highly intelligent as shown by results of the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (WAIS), they also have excellent abilities to think about the future and dwell on the past. In other words, our temporal awareness is very advanced. Cats, on the other hand, while having brains very similar to our own, score very low on the WAIS test mostly due to lack of interest and general lethargy. Holding the pencil also proved challenging. But through persistent research, scientists have come to the conclusion that cats have only about a 16-hour working memory. This seems to indicate that brain size itself may correlate well with memory.
Imagine the shock then amongst scientists when they discovered that something that does not actually HAVE a brain nevertheless still has memory. Slime molds are very low on the evolutionary ladder and do not actually have a brain. But they CAN remember where they have been! This may seem like a pathetically simple process, but when you consider how many people you have seen wandering around in mall parking lots looking for their cars, you can see that remembering where you have been is indeed an important mental skill.
So how do the slime molds do it? Apparently they leave a trail of slime, their slime, behind them as they move, marking the routes they have taken. The trail of slime allows them to determine what – if anything – is at its end. If there is the sugar placed there by the scientists, they will "remember" that and follow the trail back to their reward.
How does this apply to us?
It is a well-known fact that human tissues can be cultivated on animals, so the ability to manipulate genetic material is already well established. What needs to be done to solve senior memory problems is the reverse. Genetic material from creatures who remember without brains needs to be transferred to humans to enable us to "get around" our mental problems and access other ways of remembering where our car is, for example. The ability to leave a slime trail back to your car would be incredibly beneficial to many seniors who go to great lengths to make their cars conspicuous (think flags, ribbons and even small teddy bears on the aerial) but then exit the mall on the wrong side and wander around for hours in the hot sun.
I know what you are thinking again. "But humans don't make slime, silly!"
Except for the "silly" part, your point is well taken. Indeed, humans do not make slime. However, we often DO carry around a lot of excess weight in the form of blubber. Through the wonder of genetic engineering, this blubber could easily be converted to slime which could ooze from – say – the pores in our lower legs, leaving a trail back to the car in the parking lot. This would not only empower us to "remember" important things even though our brains were aging, but it would also enable us to "burn off" those excess calories – truly a win-win situation.
- - - - - - - - - -
*I found the list in my hand!
Mental-Health Tips for Seniors
Five Ways Not to be Dead
Forever Young
Across the Event Boundary Backwards
Dieting Made Easy
Voice-Activate Your Memory Chips
Your Second Wind
Pussies Riot and Seniors Snooze
The Brain Bane of Memory
Monday, October 15, 2012
The Brain Bane of Memory
One of the predicaments that plagues us seniors is memory failure. I have written about this in previous posts, offering advice and palliative solutions to this difficult problem. But what we really need is an all-out effort to deal with this condition once and for all – to go for a cure.
We tend to think of sleep as a time of rest. Our bodies relax and our minds dream randomly, maybe making some interesting associations that we can discuss with our therapist. So I was surprised to read recently that our brains try to remember things not only when we are wide awake, but also while we are sleeping. Important research done at UCLA has demonstrated that one of the activities our brains engage in while sleeping is trying to remember stuff (in addition to wondering whether we should get up to pee even though the floor is cold or just try to hold it until morning). It's like our brains don't get enough of this during our waking hours. They need to sort memories out and file them away in their proper niches without us being around to confuse them with worries about where we left the car keys (in the fridge, duh?).
What I am concerned about here is that as we age, obviously our brains get less able to handle new information or even process the material that is already in there. So while you are sleeping, your brain is busy at work picking up memories, looking at the zip codes, and because they forgot their reading glasses, filing them in the wrong slot. When you are awake, these little glitches have a bad enough effect, but during the day, your brain is engaged in many other activities, such as driving the car, making you scream at the slow-motion moron in front of you, and then later, helping you spend an hour trying to find your car in the mall parking lot. It just does not have much time to devote to this memory-sorting process.
When you are sleeping, however, it has about eight hours of uninterrupted time to make a complete mess of things in there!
Think about this.
Remember Governor Perry of Texas during the Republican primary debates and his famous inability to remember the third item on his list of three government agencies he would close? Apparently he had a sleep disorder that caused this lapse. The Governor is only 62 years old; it's probably unlikely that he is suffering from early-onset dementia. What really happened was that after he fell asleep at night, his brain would get active in there and start remembering stuff and filing things in their proper places, but he interrupted the process.
It went something like this:
Perry Brain: OK... gotta sort things out here... lessee... three departments of government... need to put them in the GONE slot... Commerce... ok! ... Education... ok! ... and...
The governor woke up suddenly due to his sleep disorder, and his poor brain put the Energy Department into the fridge.
When we get even older, the brain might confuse these things on its own, so a clear solution to the problem is to train your brain while you sleep. You need to keep it on its toes or it might doze off at the wheel in there. This can be done through carefully implemented aroma therapy. Smells are well-known for their ability to stimulate memories. Stimulating your brain while you sleep by making it register nice smells and bad odors will not only help it to sort your memories properly but also give you a mechanism for triggering them again once you are awake!
It's a win-win solution.
Forget where you left your car keys? Just sniff that herbal shampoo and bingo, you will know immediately to look in the fridge. Can't remember that song that you loved when you were in college? Smell that rotten fish and presto, you will have it stuck in your head all day.
Only by taking active steps to keep our brains awake and functioning properly in our sleeping heads can we be assured that our active hours won't be plagued by forgetfulness. To paraphrase an old proverb, For the want of a memory, a Presidency was lost.
We tend to think of sleep as a time of rest. Our bodies relax and our minds dream randomly, maybe making some interesting associations that we can discuss with our therapist. So I was surprised to read recently that our brains try to remember things not only when we are wide awake, but also while we are sleeping. Important research done at UCLA has demonstrated that one of the activities our brains engage in while sleeping is trying to remember stuff (in addition to wondering whether we should get up to pee even though the floor is cold or just try to hold it until morning). It's like our brains don't get enough of this during our waking hours. They need to sort memories out and file them away in their proper niches without us being around to confuse them with worries about where we left the car keys (in the fridge, duh?).
What I am concerned about here is that as we age, obviously our brains get less able to handle new information or even process the material that is already in there. So while you are sleeping, your brain is busy at work picking up memories, looking at the zip codes, and because they forgot their reading glasses, filing them in the wrong slot. When you are awake, these little glitches have a bad enough effect, but during the day, your brain is engaged in many other activities, such as driving the car, making you scream at the slow-motion moron in front of you, and then later, helping you spend an hour trying to find your car in the mall parking lot. It just does not have much time to devote to this memory-sorting process.
When you are sleeping, however, it has about eight hours of uninterrupted time to make a complete mess of things in there!
Think about this.
Remember Governor Perry of Texas during the Republican primary debates and his famous inability to remember the third item on his list of three government agencies he would close? Apparently he had a sleep disorder that caused this lapse. The Governor is only 62 years old; it's probably unlikely that he is suffering from early-onset dementia. What really happened was that after he fell asleep at night, his brain would get active in there and start remembering stuff and filing things in their proper places, but he interrupted the process.
It went something like this:
Perry Brain: OK... gotta sort things out here... lessee... three departments of government... need to put them in the GONE slot... Commerce... ok! ... Education... ok! ... and...
The governor woke up suddenly due to his sleep disorder, and his poor brain put the Energy Department into the fridge.
When we get even older, the brain might confuse these things on its own, so a clear solution to the problem is to train your brain while you sleep. You need to keep it on its toes or it might doze off at the wheel in there. This can be done through carefully implemented aroma therapy. Smells are well-known for their ability to stimulate memories. Stimulating your brain while you sleep by making it register nice smells and bad odors will not only help it to sort your memories properly but also give you a mechanism for triggering them again once you are awake!
It's a win-win solution.
Forget where you left your car keys? Just sniff that herbal shampoo and bingo, you will know immediately to look in the fridge. Can't remember that song that you loved when you were in college? Smell that rotten fish and presto, you will have it stuck in your head all day.
Only by taking active steps to keep our brains awake and functioning properly in our sleeping heads can we be assured that our active hours won't be plagued by forgetfulness. To paraphrase an old proverb, For the want of a memory, a Presidency was lost.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Self-Help for the Hopeless
In surfing around the Internet, you frequently stumble upon self-help columns: how to lose those extra pounds, are you getting enough vitamin D, or did you forget your car keys in the refrigerator again?
Some go even farther, offering complete life guidelines to help desperate people fix up their lives and get back on the track to wherever it is they are going.
I saw a sign for a Vibrational Psychology office recently and looked it up, only to find that it is a real thing! I mean it IS on the Internet, so it must be real and scientific and all, right? It starts by describing us, "As vibrational beings...." I had no idea! There are a lot of words on their home page, and since I am word-challenged, I only read some of them, but it seems like the gist of it is that we vibrate a lot at some quantum physics level and that if we can only "tune-up" those vibrations (with the help of the vibrational psychologist of course – $90~120/hour), we can become better people.
Since I cannot afford even one session at that rate, and also feel that my vibes are probably not that out of sync, I checked out another site that offers free advice on how to spruce up your life and live a better you! Now, this is spiritual advice, mind you, not Dear Abby-sort of advice. The adviser's name is Deepak Chopra which – to me at least – sounds profoundly spiritual by itself. If you say it repeatedly in a slow, deep voice, it becomes a kind of mantra which probably could reduce your blood pressure or at least improve your pronunciation.
What is Deepak's advice?
1. Be passionate about your life and the experiences you fill it with.
This sounds really good if your life is going well, but what if you are filling your life with armed robberies or listless dope smoking?
In that case you need to go to...
2. Remain open to as much input as possible.
I can see this. When the driver behind me is tailgating and honking his horn, I should be open to his input and maybe... what?... slam on the brakes?
3. Don't shut down the feedback loop with judgment, rigid beliefs, and prejudices.
Right. What I understand this fancy expression to mean is, if you have judgmentally rigid beliefs and prejudices, stop them.
4. Don't censor incoming data through denial.
This is like #2 above. If you remain open, you also must not deny the incoming data. It will definitely upset your vibrations and then you will need to pay money to see the vibrational psychologist.
5. Examine other points of view as if they were your own.
I do this all the time. I look at – say – the Republican Party's ideas as if they were my own, and then when I switch back, I wonder how in the world I could have taken such serious leave of my senses. Was I out of my mind?!
6. Take possession of everything in your life. Be self-sufficient.
I have started farming and drilling for oil on my land already! And those of you who have borrowed tools and stuff from me? Give them back right away! I am keeping the ones in my possession though. Sorry.
7. Work on psychological blocks like shame and guilt – they falsely color your reality.
Really! Ain't it the TRUTH! In fact, my reality is actually colored a pastel green, but all my shames and guilts have turned it into a really disgusting orange color. I need to "work on it". What do you want to bet I need to PAY someone to find out how to "work on it"?
8. Free yourself emotionally – to be emotionally resilient is the best defense against growing rigid.
Some basic stretching exercises help too. Like touching your toes without bending your knees and such. You CAN see your toes, right? Oh... "emotionally resilient". It's the same, but you do the bending over and touching your toes emotionally.
9. Harbor no secrets – they create dark places in the psyche.
This is part of the Dark Matter that astronomers are talking about these days. Every secret you harbor, becomes part of the Dark Matter of the universe, contributing to the separation of the galaxies, the development of black holes, and the eventual victory of the Evil Empire.
10. Be willing to redefine yourself every day.
Mitt Romney has this down pat! But for the rest of us, I am not so sure it's a good idea. Yesterday I was a really nice guy, loving and caring, hard working and socially responsible, so TODAY.... MWAHAHAHAHA!! No more Mr. Nice Guy!
11. Don't regret the past or fear the future. Both bring misery through self-doubt.
He should have stopped at 10.
I hope this examination of helping yourself has been as meaningful for you as it has for me. After all, God helps those who help themselves. I would like to help myself too, but I have run out of fried chicken for the time being.
Some go even farther, offering complete life guidelines to help desperate people fix up their lives and get back on the track to wherever it is they are going.
I saw a sign for a Vibrational Psychology office recently and looked it up, only to find that it is a real thing! I mean it IS on the Internet, so it must be real and scientific and all, right? It starts by describing us, "As vibrational beings...." I had no idea! There are a lot of words on their home page, and since I am word-challenged, I only read some of them, but it seems like the gist of it is that we vibrate a lot at some quantum physics level and that if we can only "tune-up" those vibrations (with the help of the vibrational psychologist of course – $90~120/hour), we can become better people.
Since I cannot afford even one session at that rate, and also feel that my vibes are probably not that out of sync, I checked out another site that offers free advice on how to spruce up your life and live a better you! Now, this is spiritual advice, mind you, not Dear Abby-sort of advice. The adviser's name is Deepak Chopra which – to me at least – sounds profoundly spiritual by itself. If you say it repeatedly in a slow, deep voice, it becomes a kind of mantra which probably could reduce your blood pressure or at least improve your pronunciation.
What is Deepak's advice?
1. Be passionate about your life and the experiences you fill it with.
This sounds really good if your life is going well, but what if you are filling your life with armed robberies or listless dope smoking?
In that case you need to go to...
2. Remain open to as much input as possible.
I can see this. When the driver behind me is tailgating and honking his horn, I should be open to his input and maybe... what?... slam on the brakes?
3. Don't shut down the feedback loop with judgment, rigid beliefs, and prejudices.
Right. What I understand this fancy expression to mean is, if you have judgmentally rigid beliefs and prejudices, stop them.
4. Don't censor incoming data through denial.
This is like #2 above. If you remain open, you also must not deny the incoming data. It will definitely upset your vibrations and then you will need to pay money to see the vibrational psychologist.
5. Examine other points of view as if they were your own.
I do this all the time. I look at – say – the Republican Party's ideas as if they were my own, and then when I switch back, I wonder how in the world I could have taken such serious leave of my senses. Was I out of my mind?!
6. Take possession of everything in your life. Be self-sufficient.
I have started farming and drilling for oil on my land already! And those of you who have borrowed tools and stuff from me? Give them back right away! I am keeping the ones in my possession though. Sorry.
7. Work on psychological blocks like shame and guilt – they falsely color your reality.
Really! Ain't it the TRUTH! In fact, my reality is actually colored a pastel green, but all my shames and guilts have turned it into a really disgusting orange color. I need to "work on it". What do you want to bet I need to PAY someone to find out how to "work on it"?
8. Free yourself emotionally – to be emotionally resilient is the best defense against growing rigid.
Some basic stretching exercises help too. Like touching your toes without bending your knees and such. You CAN see your toes, right? Oh... "emotionally resilient". It's the same, but you do the bending over and touching your toes emotionally.
9. Harbor no secrets – they create dark places in the psyche.
This is part of the Dark Matter that astronomers are talking about these days. Every secret you harbor, becomes part of the Dark Matter of the universe, contributing to the separation of the galaxies, the development of black holes, and the eventual victory of the Evil Empire.
10. Be willing to redefine yourself every day.
Mitt Romney has this down pat! But for the rest of us, I am not so sure it's a good idea. Yesterday I was a really nice guy, loving and caring, hard working and socially responsible, so TODAY.... MWAHAHAHAHA!! No more Mr. Nice Guy!
11. Don't regret the past or fear the future. Both bring misery through self-doubt.
He should have stopped at 10.
I hope this examination of helping yourself has been as meaningful for you as it has for me. After all, God helps those who help themselves. I would like to help myself too, but I have run out of fried chicken for the time being.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Commercial Calories
I was going to write about the religious right in the US again and its incomprehensible belief in creationism. The rest of the world shakes its head in wonder that these citizens of the most powerful nation on the planet seem to believe something that is so starkly wrong.
Didn't they get ANY science in school?
I wanted to explain this phenomenon to our friends abroad by showing that these folks themselves are evidence that the Theory of Evolution is correct.
They are proof that humans are evolving from earlier life forms; they ARE the missing link between our benighted past and our enlightened future.
But a more pressing discovery intervened.
As I have discussed in a previous post, Americans tend to pack on the pounds. In fact, we carry the equivalent of two entire Swedens on our national body in excess blubber.
How did we let ourselves go like this?
The reasons might seem obvious: we eat too much, we don't exercise, we spend too much time in church, but clearly these cannot account for all the added pounds. If you talk to anyone who is overweight, many seem to be just as baffled by their bulk as you are.
"I don't know why I look like the Goodyear blimp; I only eat salads!"
And as you watch them, you see it is true. They often don't eat any more than thinner people.
So how can one account for this national problem? Could millions of people have some sort of metabolic disorder?
Unlikely.
What they do have, however, is TV.
99% of Americans have an average of 2.24 TVs in their homes and spend many hours a week in front of the flickering screen.
What are they watching?
Food commercials! A lot of food commercials.
The commercial for the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden, for example, shows a healthy looking group, preparing to enjoy endless bowls of differently flavored pasta — all shown, close up in their calorie rich redolence. Or consider the Pizza Hut commercial. It shows pizza after calorie laden pizza, but the two couples in the ad are not fat at all! Another ad, Carl's Jr, shows two slim and trim women in bikinis making and eating enormous, pulled pork-stuffed cheeseburgers.
Clearly the food is not doing THEM any harm.
So what gives?
We need to approach this scientifically and analyze the data. Who watches the most TV in the US? Men watch an average of 29 hours per week while women log in at 34 hours per week. Who tends to be more obese? Men or women? The stats show that women tend to be more obese than men.
Clearly watching the food commercials themselves is what is making the US population overweight! Somehow, seeing the deliciously presented food in all of its savory splendor causes our bodies to react by storing up fat, a kind of Pavlovian reaction. In the same way that a fearful situation can make our bodies respond with adrenaline and a "fight or flight" reaction, watching food commercials on TV makes us gain weight. Your brain sees an almost pornographic food commercial on the boob-tube and says, "OMG! Look at that chicken pot pie!" and sends a message to your fat cells to "go Goodyear".
Which brings me to my new diet idea.
Since your weight gain is most likely to have been caused by watching these commercials and NOT by the half-gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough, Häagan Dazs ice cream you had after dinner, you can reduce your weight by the simple expedient of turning off the TV when a food commercial comes on, or – better yet – get up from your couch and go get a beer and some chips and salsa to avoid exposing your body to those pernicious, subliminal (and subcutaneous) influences.
Didn't they get ANY science in school?
I wanted to explain this phenomenon to our friends abroad by showing that these folks themselves are evidence that the Theory of Evolution is correct.
They are proof that humans are evolving from earlier life forms; they ARE the missing link between our benighted past and our enlightened future.
But a more pressing discovery intervened.
As I have discussed in a previous post, Americans tend to pack on the pounds. In fact, we carry the equivalent of two entire Swedens on our national body in excess blubber.
How did we let ourselves go like this?
The reasons might seem obvious: we eat too much, we don't exercise, we spend too much time in church, but clearly these cannot account for all the added pounds. If you talk to anyone who is overweight, many seem to be just as baffled by their bulk as you are.
"I don't know why I look like the Goodyear blimp; I only eat salads!"
And as you watch them, you see it is true. They often don't eat any more than thinner people.
So how can one account for this national problem? Could millions of people have some sort of metabolic disorder?
Unlikely.
What they do have, however, is TV.
99% of Americans have an average of 2.24 TVs in their homes and spend many hours a week in front of the flickering screen.
What are they watching?
Food commercials! A lot of food commercials.
The commercial for the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden, for example, shows a healthy looking group, preparing to enjoy endless bowls of differently flavored pasta — all shown, close up in their calorie rich redolence. Or consider the Pizza Hut commercial. It shows pizza after calorie laden pizza, but the two couples in the ad are not fat at all! Another ad, Carl's Jr, shows two slim and trim women in bikinis making and eating enormous, pulled pork-stuffed cheeseburgers.
Clearly the food is not doing THEM any harm.
So what gives?
We need to approach this scientifically and analyze the data. Who watches the most TV in the US? Men watch an average of 29 hours per week while women log in at 34 hours per week. Who tends to be more obese? Men or women? The stats show that women tend to be more obese than men.
Clearly watching the food commercials themselves is what is making the US population overweight! Somehow, seeing the deliciously presented food in all of its savory splendor causes our bodies to react by storing up fat, a kind of Pavlovian reaction. In the same way that a fearful situation can make our bodies respond with adrenaline and a "fight or flight" reaction, watching food commercials on TV makes us gain weight. Your brain sees an almost pornographic food commercial on the boob-tube and says, "OMG! Look at that chicken pot pie!" and sends a message to your fat cells to "go Goodyear".
Which brings me to my new diet idea.
Since your weight gain is most likely to have been caused by watching these commercials and NOT by the half-gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough, Häagan Dazs ice cream you had after dinner, you can reduce your weight by the simple expedient of turning off the TV when a food commercial comes on, or – better yet – get up from your couch and go get a beer and some chips and salsa to avoid exposing your body to those pernicious, subliminal (and subcutaneous) influences.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Pussies Riot and Seniors Snooze
I was always under the impression that the Russian Orthodox Church was even more rigid and behind-the-times than the Roman Catholic Church, so I was surprised to hear that they had featured a "Pussy Riot" in one of their hallowed halls. I imagined either a cats' rights movement finding a new platform for expression, or – I confess – a new women's movement gaining an exciting venue for their "coming out". I planned to write something fun and interesting about how a hidebound religious organization might revitalize itself and catch up with the 19th (if not the 21st) Century!
As it turned out, neither of these was the actual situation, so .... never mind...
I am sorry.
Instead I will explore the soporific depths of senior sleep, following up on last week's entry with more helpful hints for a better life.
One common complaint from us older folk is that we just can't get enough sleep; we wake up at the crack-ass of dawn and don't feel rested. Of course, most of us don't count the three hours of snoozing in the armchair in front of the TV in the evenings as part of our sleep time, but even so, feeling rested is an important part of a healthy lifestyle.
Research shows, in fact, that seniors get on average as much sleep as they need, increasing from 35% of the day at age 55 to 64 to 39% of the day at age 75 and above. While not even close to "cat range", this still amounts to almost 9 hours of sleep for a mid-senior (65 to 74).
So clearly, quantity is not a problem for seniors. The issue is quality.
Not getting good sleep has been cited as leading people to choose the wrong foods to eat, for example. Vaccinations don't work as well if you don't sleep well, and so on. Getting your beauty rest is critical.
So what can we do to make sure that we get good, high-quality shut-eye?
1. REM (rapid eye movement) is linked to restful sleep, so you should take steps to assure that your eyes are ready to move when they are supposed to. You need to exercise your eyes by eye-rolling to prepare them for this important activity. In your spare moments, practice rolling your eyes up and down and side to side. You might want to be careful not to practice this while in meetings or when your spouse is talking to you. Just a suggestion.
2. Sleep routine is also critical:
As it turned out, neither of these was the actual situation, so .... never mind...
I am sorry.
Instead I will explore the soporific depths of senior sleep, following up on last week's entry with more helpful hints for a better life.
One common complaint from us older folk is that we just can't get enough sleep; we wake up at the crack-ass of dawn and don't feel rested. Of course, most of us don't count the three hours of snoozing in the armchair in front of the TV in the evenings as part of our sleep time, but even so, feeling rested is an important part of a healthy lifestyle.
Research shows, in fact, that seniors get on average as much sleep as they need, increasing from 35% of the day at age 55 to 64 to 39% of the day at age 75 and above. While not even close to "cat range", this still amounts to almost 9 hours of sleep for a mid-senior (65 to 74).
So clearly, quantity is not a problem for seniors. The issue is quality.
Not getting good sleep has been cited as leading people to choose the wrong foods to eat, for example. Vaccinations don't work as well if you don't sleep well, and so on. Getting your beauty rest is critical.
So what can we do to make sure that we get good, high-quality shut-eye?
1. REM (rapid eye movement) is linked to restful sleep, so you should take steps to assure that your eyes are ready to move when they are supposed to. You need to exercise your eyes by eye-rolling to prepare them for this important activity. In your spare moments, practice rolling your eyes up and down and side to side. You might want to be careful not to practice this while in meetings or when your spouse is talking to you. Just a suggestion.
2. Sleep routine is also critical:
- Be sure you sit in the same armchair at the same time and watch the same shows everyday to avoid disrupting your sleep routine.
- Sleep walking is something that many people do. Be sure that you walk the same routes and distances each time to assure the best sleep time possible.
- If you engage in sleep sex, called sexsomnia, be sure that you pursue the same partners in the same places every night. You don't want to wake up in some stranger's bed; this is very disorienting and disruptive of a good night's sleep.
3. If you wake up in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep, concentrate on relaxing. Review in your head the activities that put you to sleep in the first place: the sitting down in your easy chair, the eating of the TV dinner and the drinking of the six-pack of beer, the switching on and watching TV. The more detail you can add to this review will enable you to relax even more.
4. Don't snore or sleep with people who snore. Snoring will wake you up from bad dreams which involve power tools or large and dangerous animals. Snoring is caused by excess relaxation in your throat muscles. You can strengthen these by humming or singing. Add this exercise to your eye-rolling routine to ensure the best physical condition for sleep. (Once again, be cautious about eye-rolling and humming "mmhm... mmhm" when talking to your spouse.)
Making the most of your sleep time will bring many health benefits and guarantee that you can live a happier and more productive life. Strive for more and more sleep each day, focusing on quality as well as quantity. Eventually you might work your sleep time into extreme cat territory: a pussy riot dream time!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Advice for Seniors: Your Second Wind
In previous posts we have had a look at some of the issues that we seniors face as we age: dealing with forgetfulness, maintaining our mental acuity, and not appearing dead, just to mention a few. Of course these are important, broad concerns, but we also need to look at some of the humdrum, everyday aspects of our lives to make sure that we don't trip on them as we try to hold onto an active life. There is nothing worse than tripping on humdrum, everyday things and having to go to the hospital and then spending 3 months in rehab.
I can hear you asking, "What ARE some of these humdrum, everyday aspects that we might trip over?"
I can hear this because I have my hearing aid turned way up, and the mic is far from the earpiece, so I don't get that "pee-pah-PEEEEE.... the number you have reached is out of service at this time, please hang up and try again later" message.
First of all, one of the daily plagues that affects all seniors is flatulence. There just seems to be no end to it (har!), and it is often very difficult to control.
Let's use the popular question-and-answer format to look at some of the common causes of this problem and what steps we can take to lessen their impact.
Q1: I heard that increasing the roughage in my diet would help prevent cancer, but it also seems to have made me really gassy. What can I do about this?
A: You can join OPEC. Ha. Ha. Just kidding. Unfortunately, both low roughage and high roughage diets can cause gas, so you need to find the proper balance in your diet to reduce emissions to an acceptable level. Installing a gas meter for a week – say – to monitor your production might help you to determine which foods are the worst offenders.
Q2: I seem to have bloating and large amounts of gas after my evening meal everyday! This causes painful embarrassment around the house, especially when we have guests over. What might be the problem?
A: Seniors tend not to chew their foods effectively, often because their dentures fall out and get in the way. Chewing up dentures with the morning muesli is a common problem. It's much easier simply to swallow stuff whole. This, however, puts an extra strain on your intestines which resent this pressure and produce prodigious quantities of methane to get even. You can solve this problem by asking a family member or one of your guests to chew your food for you.
Explain that they will be thankful later.
Or, if this is not possible, you can put your food through a mulcher in the yard or a blender in the kitchen. Your guests will wonder about you drinking your hamburgers and hot dogs around the BBQ, but – once again – explain that they will be thankful later.
Q3: Sometimes I simply HAVE to release some fumes into the environment, but it is not in an appropriate setting. What can I do about this predicament?
A: Since everyone passes gas, the important point here is to make your release seem like it came from someone else. Sidle up to another person – preferably another senior – at the party, for example, and turn your backside towards them as you pretend to admire the art on the wall. Unleash your fumes in their direction.
Be careful; people fail in this technique by immediately dashing away, but residual exhaust will trail you and illuminate you as the offender.
Wait patiently until the cloud has completely settled around you and your target, then turn and with a look of disgust walk to the other side of the room. Timing is critical as they will also be turning to look at YOU with disgust.
Q4: This is the same question as number 3 above, but what should I do if I am seated?
A: If the seat has a cushion, like a sofa, you might be able to get away with a quick fumigation, hoping the material will be absorbent enough to hold the gas until fracking miners can come and drill it as a natural resource later. If the chair is a hard one, however, you are in deep trouble. There is nothing you can effectively do to prevent the gas-escape, and since the chair is smooth and hard, the noxious fumes will announce their arrival with an inappropriately obnoxious sound. Trying to cover the sound up with loud coughing or a fake sneeze will only convince the others in the room that you are responsible.
You will have to resign your position on the Board.
Q5: I have this ghastly dream where I am pumped up like a balloon and let go. I fly out of control around the room with this squeaky, hissing sound. When I hit the wall, I wake up and discover that my bed is filled with a hideous smell. What can I do about this problem?
A: Never get married for one thing. Another step you can take is to practice "lucid dreaming", a technique that allows you to control the content of your dreams. Once you gain skills in this regimen, you should be able to dream yourself some sort of cork or tie-off that will hold you until morning.
I thought I would be able to discuss senior sleep problems today too, but we have run out of time and, I am sitting in a hard chair and need to move immediately.
I can hear you asking, "What ARE some of these humdrum, everyday aspects that we might trip over?"
I can hear this because I have my hearing aid turned way up, and the mic is far from the earpiece, so I don't get that "pee-pah-PEEEEE.... the number you have reached is out of service at this time, please hang up and try again later" message.
First of all, one of the daily plagues that affects all seniors is flatulence. There just seems to be no end to it (har!), and it is often very difficult to control.
Let's use the popular question-and-answer format to look at some of the common causes of this problem and what steps we can take to lessen their impact.
Q1: I heard that increasing the roughage in my diet would help prevent cancer, but it also seems to have made me really gassy. What can I do about this?
A: You can join OPEC. Ha. Ha. Just kidding. Unfortunately, both low roughage and high roughage diets can cause gas, so you need to find the proper balance in your diet to reduce emissions to an acceptable level. Installing a gas meter for a week – say – to monitor your production might help you to determine which foods are the worst offenders.
Q2: I seem to have bloating and large amounts of gas after my evening meal everyday! This causes painful embarrassment around the house, especially when we have guests over. What might be the problem?
A: Seniors tend not to chew their foods effectively, often because their dentures fall out and get in the way. Chewing up dentures with the morning muesli is a common problem. It's much easier simply to swallow stuff whole. This, however, puts an extra strain on your intestines which resent this pressure and produce prodigious quantities of methane to get even. You can solve this problem by asking a family member or one of your guests to chew your food for you.
Explain that they will be thankful later.
Or, if this is not possible, you can put your food through a mulcher in the yard or a blender in the kitchen. Your guests will wonder about you drinking your hamburgers and hot dogs around the BBQ, but – once again – explain that they will be thankful later.
Q3: Sometimes I simply HAVE to release some fumes into the environment, but it is not in an appropriate setting. What can I do about this predicament?
A: Since everyone passes gas, the important point here is to make your release seem like it came from someone else. Sidle up to another person – preferably another senior – at the party, for example, and turn your backside towards them as you pretend to admire the art on the wall. Unleash your fumes in their direction.
Be careful; people fail in this technique by immediately dashing away, but residual exhaust will trail you and illuminate you as the offender.
Wait patiently until the cloud has completely settled around you and your target, then turn and with a look of disgust walk to the other side of the room. Timing is critical as they will also be turning to look at YOU with disgust.
Q4: This is the same question as number 3 above, but what should I do if I am seated?
A: If the seat has a cushion, like a sofa, you might be able to get away with a quick fumigation, hoping the material will be absorbent enough to hold the gas until fracking miners can come and drill it as a natural resource later. If the chair is a hard one, however, you are in deep trouble. There is nothing you can effectively do to prevent the gas-escape, and since the chair is smooth and hard, the noxious fumes will announce their arrival with an inappropriately obnoxious sound. Trying to cover the sound up with loud coughing or a fake sneeze will only convince the others in the room that you are responsible.
You will have to resign your position on the Board.
Q5: I have this ghastly dream where I am pumped up like a balloon and let go. I fly out of control around the room with this squeaky, hissing sound. When I hit the wall, I wake up and discover that my bed is filled with a hideous smell. What can I do about this problem?
A: Never get married for one thing. Another step you can take is to practice "lucid dreaming", a technique that allows you to control the content of your dreams. Once you gain skills in this regimen, you should be able to dream yourself some sort of cork or tie-off that will hold you until morning.
I thought I would be able to discuss senior sleep problems today too, but we have run out of time and, I am sitting in a hard chair and need to move immediately.
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