Unless you live under a rock, you have heard about the death of Dear Leader, Kim Il Sung in North Korea, and the accession to the throne by his youngest son, Son of Kim, or as they call him, Great Successor.
The weeping and wailing in the streets after Dear Leader's death involved such great acting that I believe a new category should be opened for the Academy Awards, Best National Acting Award. North Korea would win hands down, not only for the mourning, but even for simple things like the news presentations.
Despite this incredible achievement, it seems that some citizens were not playing their roles up to the levels demanded by their government and will be punished for their failures. Not only that, the North Korean government has come down hard on surrounding nations for their unwillingness to pretend they were sad to see Kim Il Sung depart for his reward.
South Korea came in for a special lambasting. How could their fellow Koreans not be heart broken by the passing of father Kim, the Dear Dear Leader? Also Japan, the perennial object of intense North Korean hatred, was criticized for its lack of an expression of sorrow on his death. Never mind that Kim was behind the abduction of Japanese citizens for many years, the Japanese government at least should express its grief at his passing.
At the leadership level in North Korea, deciding on how to present the death of Kim the Elder to the people and also how to raise up Kim the Younger in their eyes is a major challenge. When your country's population is starving and oppressed, you need to use the correct vocabulary to make things right!
My spies have been very active of late and have provided me with a transcript of just one such meeting in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea.
Jang Song taek (Kim the Younger's uncle): OK everyone, we need to work out some details about Dear Leader's death.
Kim Jong un (Kim the Younger): Where did daddy keep the bon-bons? I want some of those bon-bons! When I was little I remember coming into this office and he would...
Jang: Will you shut up! You blubber puss! We are trying to work out some important details here and all you can think about is food!
General Kim Yong chun: First of all we need some natural events that heralded his death... any ideas?
Premier Choe: How about something on holy Mt. Paektu?
Jang: Excellent idea. OK, we will have the sky glow red.
Gen. Kim: That's a good start, but how about a fierce snowstorm too?
Jang: Great! A fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red!
Prem. Choe: Then the ice cracked on the lake!
Jang: This is really good. OK, here is what we will put out. There was a fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red and the ice on the lake cracked with a roar. Is that OK?
Gen. Kim: Perfect! How about some birds or other animals doing something?
Jang: OK. Hmmm... how about some magpies.
Prem. Choe: Yeah, let's have hundreds of them hovering over the statue of Kim Il Sung in mourning.
Jang: Good idea. And how about adding a crane bowing its head in mourning too?
Prem. Choe: That is just brilliant!
Jang: So Kim Il sung was the Great Leader, and Kim Jong il was Dear Leader... let's move on to what to call this this bloated pig from now on?
Kim Jong un: I am NOT that fat! You can't call me a bloated pig! I won't allow it! Daddy put ME in charge now, so I will not allow this sort of insult to me!
Jang: Shut up and sit down!
And stop sucking your thumb like that; you'll make yourself bucktoothed as well.
Gen. Kim: Well... since we called his grandfather and father "Something" Leader, how about a title with Leader in it?
Prem. Choe: Hmm... Revered Leader?
Jang: Nah... how about Humongous Leader! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(laughter all around)
Stop pouting you pig, or I will cut off your cream puff supply.
Gen. Kim: Great Successor!
Jang: Perfect! OK we will go with that for now. Great Successor and a great person born of heaven.
(sound of eyes rolling)
Gen. Kim: We in the military will release a statement saying that we would all be willing to die in the defense of the fat toad. HAHAHAHA!
Leave it to me. I will come up with something good.
Jang: OK, I guess that wraps it up for now. Any other business or questions?
Kim Jong un: I'm hungry... what's for lunch?
Jang: I am putting you on a diet one of these days, I swear it. We had to struggle to get you through the hatch of that tank we filmed you in the other day. If you get any fatter, Japanese research whalers will be after you. HAHAHAHAHA!
(laughter all around)
Meeting adjourned!
Showing posts with label North Korea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label North Korea. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 17, 2011
North Korean 101
As with cricket reporters, the North Koreans have come up with interesting variations of language use that may not be immediately clear to the novice. After long and patient hours of study and extensive research, I have educated myself to the point where I can translate these expressions into common English for the average person.
As a professional language teacher, I know that the best place to start in any language lesson is with its easiest components, so let's begin with some of the simpler expressions that spring from the mouths of North Korean spokesmen. I will put the expression here (from North Korea's 100th Anniversary of Juche New Year's greeting) and will give examples of inaccurate translations as well as the correct answer.
1. "This year's general offensive is a continuation of the grand onward march for improving the people's standard of living, and its new, higher stage." (from the New Year Report)
Translation A: We will continue to work towards improving the lives of the average North Korean citizen.
This translation is incorrect. If you understand that the words "the people" actually mean "Kim Jong Il and his cronies", then you will understand the true meaning of the expression. Translation A did leave out "its new higher stage", which is accurate. This is only filler and has no real meaning.
2. "Light industry is the major front in the general offensive of this year."
Translation B: We will develop light industry as never before.
This is an almost accurate translation. It would be better if the words "as never before" were omitted and "one of these days" put in their place.
3. "The present grand onward march for the improvement of the people's standard of living demands that a full-scale offensive be launched in the overall economic front."
Translation C: Hmm.... something about improving Kim Jong Il and his cronies' standard of living, but I don't get the rest of it.
Yes, this one seems easy but is more complicated than it looks. You got part of it right though! Quick learner.
A correct translation would be, "We will continue to work hard to improve the standard of living of Kim Jong Il and his cronies by making a serious effort to get around the sanctions imposed on us."
4. "A revolution in light industry is just a revolution in chemical industry."
Translation D: Huh?
Exactly. Sometimes even the North Koreans do not know what they are saying.
5. "An important way to accelerate the speed of the onward march for a great upsurge in the whole of economic construction is to continue to intensify the drive of breaking through the cutting edge."
Translation E: Wow, these are really getting hard! I am completely perplexed.
Once again, you are correct. This is actually just a stringing together of "buzz words" without thinking about whether they actually make a hive.
6. "Greater efforts should be made to spruce up the overall looks of the country as appropriate to a thriving nation."
Translation F: I got this one, I think! "We will try to make our country more attractive"?
No. Completely wrong. This is better translated as "We will control the movements of tourists and other visitors even more, so that they can't see what our country really looks like". Actually "sprucing up the overall looks of the country" would require taking money from "the people", if you get my drift.
7. "At present the Juche-oriented cause of army building is making dynamic progress on a new, high stage."
Translation G: Let's see... "new, high stage" is filler, so I can ignore that, so how about, "We are building our army"?
Very good. Simplicity of expression is not one of their strong suits, but you just about covered it.
8. "Last year our nation's movement for the country's reunification made dynamic progress even in the face of the vicious challenges of the separatist forces inside and outside."
Translation H: How about, "We made progress in our relations with South Korea despite troubles from inside and outside"?
Close, but you are not reading between the lines. A better translation would be, "We tried very hard through sinking a South Korean naval vessel and shelling one of their islands to show that they need to cave in to our pressure, but they didn't and the US didn't either."
9: "Confrontation between north and south should be defused as early as possible."
Translation I: Surely this means what it says?
No. The correct translation is, "We will continue to subvert the south by every means possible and fritter away time at the negotiating table in order to keep our government afloat".
Finally, I challenge any of my readers to read through the message from North Korea upon the 100th anniversary year of Juche, or another example of their messages here.
As a professional language teacher, I know that the best place to start in any language lesson is with its easiest components, so let's begin with some of the simpler expressions that spring from the mouths of North Korean spokesmen. I will put the expression here (from North Korea's 100th Anniversary of Juche New Year's greeting) and will give examples of inaccurate translations as well as the correct answer.
1. "This year's general offensive is a continuation of the grand onward march for improving the people's standard of living, and its new, higher stage." (from the New Year Report)
Translation A: We will continue to work towards improving the lives of the average North Korean citizen.
This translation is incorrect. If you understand that the words "the people" actually mean "Kim Jong Il and his cronies", then you will understand the true meaning of the expression. Translation A did leave out "its new higher stage", which is accurate. This is only filler and has no real meaning.
2. "Light industry is the major front in the general offensive of this year."
Translation B: We will develop light industry as never before.
This is an almost accurate translation. It would be better if the words "as never before" were omitted and "one of these days" put in their place.
3. "The present grand onward march for the improvement of the people's standard of living demands that a full-scale offensive be launched in the overall economic front."
Translation C: Hmm.... something about improving Kim Jong Il and his cronies' standard of living, but I don't get the rest of it.
Yes, this one seems easy but is more complicated than it looks. You got part of it right though! Quick learner.
A correct translation would be, "We will continue to work hard to improve the standard of living of Kim Jong Il and his cronies by making a serious effort to get around the sanctions imposed on us."
4. "A revolution in light industry is just a revolution in chemical industry."
Translation D: Huh?
Exactly. Sometimes even the North Koreans do not know what they are saying.
5. "An important way to accelerate the speed of the onward march for a great upsurge in the whole of economic construction is to continue to intensify the drive of breaking through the cutting edge."
Translation E: Wow, these are really getting hard! I am completely perplexed.
Once again, you are correct. This is actually just a stringing together of "buzz words" without thinking about whether they actually make a hive.
6. "Greater efforts should be made to spruce up the overall looks of the country as appropriate to a thriving nation."
Translation F: I got this one, I think! "We will try to make our country more attractive"?
No. Completely wrong. This is better translated as "We will control the movements of tourists and other visitors even more, so that they can't see what our country really looks like". Actually "sprucing up the overall looks of the country" would require taking money from "the people", if you get my drift.
7. "At present the Juche-oriented cause of army building is making dynamic progress on a new, high stage."
Translation G: Let's see... "new, high stage" is filler, so I can ignore that, so how about, "We are building our army"?
Very good. Simplicity of expression is not one of their strong suits, but you just about covered it.
8. "Last year our nation's movement for the country's reunification made dynamic progress even in the face of the vicious challenges of the separatist forces inside and outside."
Translation H: How about, "We made progress in our relations with South Korea despite troubles from inside and outside"?
Close, but you are not reading between the lines. A better translation would be, "We tried very hard through sinking a South Korean naval vessel and shelling one of their islands to show that they need to cave in to our pressure, but they didn't and the US didn't either."
9: "Confrontation between north and south should be defused as early as possible."
Translation I: Surely this means what it says?
No. The correct translation is, "We will continue to subvert the south by every means possible and fritter away time at the negotiating table in order to keep our government afloat".
Finally, I challenge any of my readers to read through the message from North Korea upon the 100th anniversary year of Juche, or another example of their messages here.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Dear Mr. Pterosaurish:
We appreciate your interest in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, and we also love your sense of humor. Ha. Ha.
Your latest blog-post, however, has gone too far. We do not know where you got the transcript for that meeting (see last week's post), but there are some glaring inaccuracies in your account that we would like to correct for the record.
First, General Paek was not even in attendance at that time. On that day, he was supervising the ostrich dancers in preparation for the mass games and parade. The lines you attribute to him were spoken by Gen. O Kuk-ryol. We hope you will correct this inaccuracy.
Second, you quoted Gen. Hyon as saying,"This is ridiculous! We cannot make this spoiled, fat blob a 4-Star General in our Army!" In fact, Gen. Hyon did not use the word "blob" at all! This is clearly a mistranslation. The word he used was "영점"(yeongjeom)! His meaning was more like "zero" or "goose". Please inform your readers immediately of this blatant error.
Thirdly, the Young General, Kim Jong-un, did not stick out his tongue at Gen. Paek, because as we mentioned earlier, Gen. Paek was not even at that meeting. He stuck out his tongue at Gen. O. Please correct this mistake. We hope that you will not be so cavalier in the future about checking your sources and the veracity of your posts!
Fourthly, you said that Jang Song-Thaek made comments that suggested that The Young General might not "work out". We would like to correct this misinterpretation of the transcript too. It is well known that Kim Jong-un, The Young General, has taken up an exercise program and is working out regularly! He is following Jillian Michael's body conditioning routine, and using the thigh master Gen. Paek gave him for his birthday last year!
Finally, you ended your post, suggesting that Our Heroic Dear Leader was crying. He most definitely was not! Our Dear Leader simply had a cold at that time, and was sniffling on account of it. He was not crying.
We here in the DPRK follow your blog closely, and we must say that we are not happy with the overall tone and general attitude you have taken towards our country and Our Dear Leader. The posts about "juche" completely distort the whole meaning of our Eternal President's analysis of our country's independent posture vis à vis the exploiter capitalist class and its running dogs, and the imperialists and their flunkeyist, puppet stooges. We here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea are not fat.
We request that in fairness you post this letter as our official response to your blog.
Sincerely,
Korean Central News Agency
We appreciate your interest in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, and we also love your sense of humor. Ha. Ha.
Your latest blog-post, however, has gone too far. We do not know where you got the transcript for that meeting (see last week's post), but there are some glaring inaccuracies in your account that we would like to correct for the record.
First, General Paek was not even in attendance at that time. On that day, he was supervising the ostrich dancers in preparation for the mass games and parade. The lines you attribute to him were spoken by Gen. O Kuk-ryol. We hope you will correct this inaccuracy.
Second, you quoted Gen. Hyon as saying,"This is ridiculous! We cannot make this spoiled, fat blob a 4-Star General in our Army!" In fact, Gen. Hyon did not use the word "blob" at all! This is clearly a mistranslation. The word he used was "영점"(yeongjeom)! His meaning was more like "zero" or "goose". Please inform your readers immediately of this blatant error.
Thirdly, the Young General, Kim Jong-un, did not stick out his tongue at Gen. Paek, because as we mentioned earlier, Gen. Paek was not even at that meeting. He stuck out his tongue at Gen. O. Please correct this mistake. We hope that you will not be so cavalier in the future about checking your sources and the veracity of your posts!
Fourthly, you said that Jang Song-Thaek made comments that suggested that The Young General might not "work out". We would like to correct this misinterpretation of the transcript too. It is well known that Kim Jong-un, The Young General, has taken up an exercise program and is working out regularly! He is following Jillian Michael's body conditioning routine, and using the thigh master Gen. Paek gave him for his birthday last year!
Finally, you ended your post, suggesting that Our Heroic Dear Leader was crying. He most definitely was not! Our Dear Leader simply had a cold at that time, and was sniffling on account of it. He was not crying.
We here in the DPRK follow your blog closely, and we must say that we are not happy with the overall tone and general attitude you have taken towards our country and Our Dear Leader. The posts about "juche" completely distort the whole meaning of our Eternal President's analysis of our country's independent posture vis à vis the exploiter capitalist class and its running dogs, and the imperialists and their flunkeyist, puppet stooges. We here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea are not fat.
We request that in fairness you post this letter as our official response to your blog.
Sincerely,
Korean Central News Agency
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
North Korea Scoop!
Pterosaurish, living on the edge in the world of international intrigue and conspiracy, has received through clandestine sources the transcript of the meeting in which North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's son was elevated to "Young General", and made successor to Kim Jong Il in the seat of power. Here it is unedited in its entirety.
Jang Song taek (#2 man)
Hyon Chol-hae (top general)
Kim Kyong-hui (Kim Jong Il's sister)
Ri Yong-ho (top general)
Paek Sang-ho (3-Star general)
Kim Jong-Un (Kim Jong Il's son)
Kim Jong Il (KJI): OK... I have brought all of you here today to confirm what we discussed in the last meeting that my son here – Kim Jong-Un – will succeed me in power after I die.
General Hyon: How will we do this? Nobody knows anything about him.
KJI: First we will promote him to 4-Star General and have someone write a song about him.
Jang (#2 man): He has no military experience at all. I wonder what the army will think of this.
Gen. Paek (3-Star Gen): I can tell you that *I don't like the idea of him being promoted ahead of me! Look at all these medals on my uniform! He doesn't even have ONE medal! I should be promoted to 4-Star General and he to 3-Star General.
Gen. Hyon: Yes, I can understand your frustration, but this is only to make a name for the "Young General" so that he can succeed Dear Leader.
KJI: Yes, he would not have actual operational power in the army, Gen. Paek. He would simply be able to sit on the podium with you. Also, we need to give him some medals for his uniform too.
Kim Jong-Un (the son): I want lots of medals! I want a nice uniform too, one that makes me look slimmer. Do they have any uniforms with vertical stripes on the pants and sleeves? Vertical stripes have a slimming effect. And I want my medals to be big and shiny too. Maybe 8 rows of them? Also if the medals could be long and thin, they would...
KJI: Would you shut up! Enough of that stuff already!
Gen. Paek: If he gets more medals than I have, I will not accept his promotion at all!
KJI: Son? Take your thumb out of your mouth and stop that pouting. You cannot be a Young General and do that sort of thing.
Kim Kyong-hui (KJI's sister): All I can think of is how I used to grab Jong-un's chubby little cheeks when he was a boy. My how he has grown up... but I *still want to grab those chubby cheeks!
Jong-un: My cheeks are NOT chubby! Daddy! Tell her to stop saying my cheeks are chubby! I am NOT fat.
KJI: Sis! Will you lay off the boy!
And, Jong-un! I won't tell you again, you need to stop sucking your thumb like that!
Jong-un: But she said I was fat!
Gen. Hyon: This is ridiculous! We cannot make this spoiled, fat blob a 4-Star General in our Army!
Jong-un: I am NOT a fat blob! Stop calling me fat!
KJI: OK! OK! Can we at least decide on one thing? Let's call him "Young General"! We can work out the rank later. I will have him sit on the podium at the up-coming mass games and parade.
Gen. Paek: If he wears a uniform with medals, *I for one am NOT coming!
KJI: Jong-un! Sticking out your tongue at Gen. Paek is not helping at all! (audible sigh) OK... no uniform. Gen. Ri? You will sit between us on the podium.
Jong-un: I want some medals.
KJI: No medals this time, Jong-un. Is all this OK with you, Jang?
Jang: Yes. I think it will be fine to start out this way. We don't want to overdo it at first just in case the "Young General" doesn't work out.
KJI: What do you mean by that? Jong-un! How many times do I have to tell you about the thumb sucking!
Jang: Well, Dear Leader, after you are gone, the Young General might feel that he would rather do other things... you know... like go to Disneyland like his older brother tried to do.
KJI: Enough of that talk! Jong-un WILL succeed me! We will meet again after the mass games and parade to discuss this further. And don't mention Oldest Son to me again!
Jong-un: Next time I want a uniform with vertical stripes and lots of medals!
(audible crying... assumed to be Kim Jong Il.)
Jang Song taek (#2 man)
Hyon Chol-hae (top general)
Kim Kyong-hui (Kim Jong Il's sister)
Ri Yong-ho (top general)
Paek Sang-ho (3-Star general)
Kim Jong-Un (Kim Jong Il's son)
Kim Jong Il (KJI): OK... I have brought all of you here today to confirm what we discussed in the last meeting that my son here – Kim Jong-Un – will succeed me in power after I die.
General Hyon: How will we do this? Nobody knows anything about him.
KJI: First we will promote him to 4-Star General and have someone write a song about him.
Jang (#2 man): He has no military experience at all. I wonder what the army will think of this.
Gen. Paek (3-Star Gen): I can tell you that *I don't like the idea of him being promoted ahead of me! Look at all these medals on my uniform! He doesn't even have ONE medal! I should be promoted to 4-Star General and he to 3-Star General.
Gen. Hyon: Yes, I can understand your frustration, but this is only to make a name for the "Young General" so that he can succeed Dear Leader.
KJI: Yes, he would not have actual operational power in the army, Gen. Paek. He would simply be able to sit on the podium with you. Also, we need to give him some medals for his uniform too.
Kim Jong-Un (the son): I want lots of medals! I want a nice uniform too, one that makes me look slimmer. Do they have any uniforms with vertical stripes on the pants and sleeves? Vertical stripes have a slimming effect. And I want my medals to be big and shiny too. Maybe 8 rows of them? Also if the medals could be long and thin, they would...
KJI: Would you shut up! Enough of that stuff already!
Gen. Paek: If he gets more medals than I have, I will not accept his promotion at all!
KJI: Son? Take your thumb out of your mouth and stop that pouting. You cannot be a Young General and do that sort of thing.
Kim Kyong-hui (KJI's sister): All I can think of is how I used to grab Jong-un's chubby little cheeks when he was a boy. My how he has grown up... but I *still want to grab those chubby cheeks!
Jong-un: My cheeks are NOT chubby! Daddy! Tell her to stop saying my cheeks are chubby! I am NOT fat.
KJI: Sis! Will you lay off the boy!
And, Jong-un! I won't tell you again, you need to stop sucking your thumb like that!
Jong-un: But she said I was fat!
Gen. Hyon: This is ridiculous! We cannot make this spoiled, fat blob a 4-Star General in our Army!
Jong-un: I am NOT a fat blob! Stop calling me fat!
KJI: OK! OK! Can we at least decide on one thing? Let's call him "Young General"! We can work out the rank later. I will have him sit on the podium at the up-coming mass games and parade.
Gen. Paek: If he wears a uniform with medals, *I for one am NOT coming!
KJI: Jong-un! Sticking out your tongue at Gen. Paek is not helping at all! (audible sigh) OK... no uniform. Gen. Ri? You will sit between us on the podium.
Jong-un: I want some medals.
KJI: No medals this time, Jong-un. Is all this OK with you, Jang?
Jang: Yes. I think it will be fine to start out this way. We don't want to overdo it at first just in case the "Young General" doesn't work out.
KJI: What do you mean by that? Jong-un! How many times do I have to tell you about the thumb sucking!
Jang: Well, Dear Leader, after you are gone, the Young General might feel that he would rather do other things... you know... like go to Disneyland like his older brother tried to do.
KJI: Enough of that talk! Jong-un WILL succeed me! We will meet again after the mass games and parade to discuss this further. And don't mention Oldest Son to me again!
Jong-un: Next time I want a uniform with vertical stripes and lots of medals!
(audible crying... assumed to be Kim Jong Il.)
Monday, October 11, 2010
American Juche, or Math for the Layman
Regrettably, math has never been my strong suit. I was able to keep awake in math classes only by having my head hit the desk every few minutes as I nodded off. Needless to say, what I gained from all those years of cat napping was not a comprehensive knowledge of pluses and minuses.
Nonetheless, now an adult, I feel that I need to come to terms with this glaring weakness and do some math. Last week, I briefly mentioned North Korea's philosophy, juche – based on the "people's masses" – and how America has more "juche" (주체 in Hangul, ubberblay in Pig Latin) than any other country on the planet. The challenge I have chosen for today is to determine exactly how much "juche" the US has!
No sleeping in the back of the classroom... I am watching you!
First of all, I needed to do some research. One thing I found is that the American public has been getting more and more juche packed onto their bodies at an accelerating rate. This cool graphic demonstrates where and how this has been happening. (An explanation of this trend can be found here.) As an aside, it is interesting to note that the states which lead the way in the juche index are the so-called "red states". Maybe there is some connection between Republicans and juche?
But I digress again (this is a teaching tactic we professionals use to keep our charges awake while they are listening to lectures that would otherwise be near-death experiences).
I also discovered that the
average American is 17 lbs, or roughly 8 kg overweight. The current US population is 307,006,550 and growing (har!). Let's round that off to 300 million. Rounding off is a good technique when dealing with large numbers, since when you multiply, you won't have to "carry" so many numbers.
I never could get the "carrying" part of math... you know... "carry the two" and so on? Where was I supposed to carry it to? And what if it was a 3 or a 6? Should I carry them to the same place as the twos? That never seemed right to me. I mean, when we board a plane, we "carry on" smaller bags (the ones and twos) but the bigger bags (eights and nines) need to be checked. Of course, there is a "gray area" where some passengers (usually with a lot of juche) think their sixes and sevens should be "carried", but actually they should be "checked". This results in a lot of violent stuffing maneuvers at the overhead storage compartments that end up with flight attendants jumping off the plane via the emergency slide. And speaking of "those passengers", you know how they have a little cage at the check-in counter with a sign reading, "Does your carry-on fit in here?" They should have a seat there too with a sign saying, "Does your juche fit in here?"
Anyway...
So, rounding off the American population to 300 million and multiplying that by the average amount of juche (17 lbs or 8 kg for those of you who have not been paying close attention), we come to 5.28 billion pounds or 2.4 billion kilograms. Now THAT is a substantial amount of juche! Eat your heart out North Korea!
Still, figures like that leave us wondering things like, "What does that figure mean exactly?" It is hard for the human mind to grasp numbers with more than one or two zeros after them, partly because of the "carrying" I alluded to earlier; these are the numbers that should be "checked".
So let's put this number into "layman's terms". The height of an average Swedish man is 5'10" (178 cm) tall and of a Swedish woman 5'5" (165 cm). For these heights, the ideal weight should be 141~174 lbs (64~79 kg) for a man and 112~143 lbs (51~65 kg) for a woman. For the sake of this math exercise, let's assume that Swedes are generally not packing too much juche and are close to the ideal average in weight. Most of the Swedes I have met seem to fall into that category.
OK... the research phase is finished and now we need to do some math. If we take the top and bottom weights (har!) of an ideal Swedish man and add them together, we get what is called a "total" or a "sum". We then divide this sum by two to get an "average" (sometimes called a "mean" or, in the case of Americans, a "hippopotamus"). This is 158 lbs or 72 kgs for the ideal Swedish man. If we do the same for the women, we come up with 128 lbs or 58 kgs. Assuming that there are roughly equal numbers of men and women in Sweden, we can add the men's weight and the women's weight together and come up with another average: 143 lbs or 65 kgs.
Are you keeping up with this math here? Good!
So we can say that the average Swede weighs somewhere around 143 lbs or 65 kgs.
"What does the average weight of Swedes have to do with American juche," you ask? A very good question!
Since the US is 5.28 billion pounds or 2.4 billion kilograms overweight, we can find out (by dividing) how many Swedes that would amount to! Is that cool or what?!!
Yes, very cool! And you thought that you would NEVER need to use dividing in real life!
If we divide those numbers by the average weight of a Swede, we come up with the equivalent of around 37 million Swedes! Sweden's population, however, is only 9,059,651. So in easy-to-understand layman's terms, the US is packing the equivalent of four Swedens: two on its back butt and two on its front butt.
There! That wasn't so bad, was it?
Nonetheless, now an adult, I feel that I need to come to terms with this glaring weakness and do some math. Last week, I briefly mentioned North Korea's philosophy, juche – based on the "people's masses" – and how America has more "juche" (주체 in Hangul, ubberblay in Pig Latin) than any other country on the planet. The challenge I have chosen for today is to determine exactly how much "juche" the US has!
No sleeping in the back of the classroom... I am watching you!
First of all, I needed to do some research. One thing I found is that the American public has been getting more and more juche packed onto their bodies at an accelerating rate. This cool graphic demonstrates where and how this has been happening. (An explanation of this trend can be found here.) As an aside, it is interesting to note that the states which lead the way in the juche index are the so-called "red states". Maybe there is some connection between Republicans and juche?
But I digress again (this is a teaching tactic we professionals use to keep our charges awake while they are listening to lectures that would otherwise be near-death experiences).
I also discovered that the
average American is 17 lbs, or roughly 8 kg overweight. The current US population is 307,006,550 and growing (har!). Let's round that off to 300 million. Rounding off is a good technique when dealing with large numbers, since when you multiply, you won't have to "carry" so many numbers.
I never could get the "carrying" part of math... you know... "carry the two" and so on? Where was I supposed to carry it to? And what if it was a 3 or a 6? Should I carry them to the same place as the twos? That never seemed right to me. I mean, when we board a plane, we "carry on" smaller bags (the ones and twos) but the bigger bags (eights and nines) need to be checked. Of course, there is a "gray area" where some passengers (usually with a lot of juche) think their sixes and sevens should be "carried", but actually they should be "checked". This results in a lot of violent stuffing maneuvers at the overhead storage compartments that end up with flight attendants jumping off the plane via the emergency slide. And speaking of "those passengers", you know how they have a little cage at the check-in counter with a sign reading, "Does your carry-on fit in here?" They should have a seat there too with a sign saying, "Does your juche fit in here?"
Anyway...
So, rounding off the American population to 300 million and multiplying that by the average amount of juche (17 lbs or 8 kg for those of you who have not been paying close attention), we come to 5.28 billion pounds or 2.4 billion kilograms. Now THAT is a substantial amount of juche! Eat your heart out North Korea!
Still, figures like that leave us wondering things like, "What does that figure mean exactly?" It is hard for the human mind to grasp numbers with more than one or two zeros after them, partly because of the "carrying" I alluded to earlier; these are the numbers that should be "checked".
So let's put this number into "layman's terms". The height of an average Swedish man is 5'10" (178 cm) tall and of a Swedish woman 5'5" (165 cm). For these heights, the ideal weight should be 141~174 lbs (64~79 kg) for a man and 112~143 lbs (51~65 kg) for a woman. For the sake of this math exercise, let's assume that Swedes are generally not packing too much juche and are close to the ideal average in weight. Most of the Swedes I have met seem to fall into that category.
OK... the research phase is finished and now we need to do some math. If we take the top and bottom weights (har!) of an ideal Swedish man and add them together, we get what is called a "total" or a "sum". We then divide this sum by two to get an "average" (sometimes called a "mean" or, in the case of Americans, a "hippopotamus"). This is 158 lbs or 72 kgs for the ideal Swedish man. If we do the same for the women, we come up with 128 lbs or 58 kgs. Assuming that there are roughly equal numbers of men and women in Sweden, we can add the men's weight and the women's weight together and come up with another average: 143 lbs or 65 kgs.
Are you keeping up with this math here? Good!
So we can say that the average Swede weighs somewhere around 143 lbs or 65 kgs.
"What does the average weight of Swedes have to do with American juche," you ask? A very good question!
Since the US is 5.28 billion pounds or 2.4 billion kilograms overweight, we can find out (by dividing) how many Swedes that would amount to! Is that cool or what?!!
Yes, very cool! And you thought that you would NEVER need to use dividing in real life!
If we divide those numbers by the average weight of a Swede, we come up with the equivalent of around 37 million Swedes! Sweden's population, however, is only 9,059,651. So in easy-to-understand layman's terms, the US is packing the equivalent of four Swedens: two on its back butt and two on its front butt.
There! That wasn't so bad, was it?
Monday, October 4, 2010
Why Aren't Our Leaders "Dear"?
Here in the US, we have elections every four years for the Presidency. It's boringly routine. We have been doing this since 1789, 221 years. Talk about soporific history! And then, when the elections are over, all we have is a President... Mr. President...zzzzz.
What we need to liven things up around here are some cool names for our leader like other countries give to theirs.
Take North Korea.
Now there is a country that really knows how to come up with names for leaders! Their first leader, Kim Il Sung (김일성 in Hangul, 金日成 in Chinese characters, and Imkay Ilay Ungsay in Pig Latin) formally held a lot of the top posts of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, but was called "Great Leader". Great Leader works when you are actually "leading", but what happens when you press on to your reward? Good ol' North Korea knows: after his death, he was called "Eternal President".
Imagine how much more appealing someone like President Millard Fillmore (Personal Slogan: Loading...) would be if we could call him "Excellent Leader" or "Bold Commander". The whole election process itself would benefit from this naming approach as it would generate more interest amongst the clearly comatose electorate in this country. You could even have polls to come up with appropriate titles for the candidates before they are elected.
Kim Il Sung's son, Kim Jong Il (김정일, 金正日, and Imkay Ongjay Ilay) is called "Dear Leader" these days, not as robustly masculine as "Great" or "Eternal", but still better than mere "President". After he moves on to the Communist hereafter, no doubt he will be called "Eternal Dear" or some other equally cool appellation.
What's really cool about North Korea (Mission Statement: GO FUCK YOURSELF!), is how they manage to come up with these names. As I am sure all of you know by now, Kim Jong Il is very ill (HAR!) and is trying to pass on the reins of government to his young son, Kim Jong-un (김정은, 金正銀, 金正雲 or 金正恩 [it seems unclear] and Imkay Ongjay unay [which is clear enough for me]). In order to do this, they have to give the young lad an impressive sounding title. What have they come up with? "Young General"! And to make it even better, his father has promoted the Young General (who has absolutely no military experience) to four-star general in the DPRK army. (Pterosaurish can hear the hard-bitten three-star generals' eyes rolling all the way over here in Seattle.)
Speaking of North Korea, did you know that their society is built on the concept of "juche"(oojay ehchay)?
"What is that?!" I hear you ask.
Allow me to answer that important question.
According to the official website of the DPRK, "The Great Leader (Imkay Ilay Ungsay) said: 'The Juche Idea means, in few words, that the owner of the revolution and construction are the people's masses'.
Well let me tell you... we over here in the good ol' U. S. of A. can out juche any country on the planet. Our people's masses would easily win out over the citizens of a pathetic, little country like North Korea. Why just the other day I saw a person waddling down the street whose juche index was off the charts.
But I digress.
The main point of this article was about the cool names that North Korea comes up with for its leaders and how we could learn something from them. So, next Presidential election, how about "High Overseer Obama" for starters?
What we need to liven things up around here are some cool names for our leader like other countries give to theirs.
Take North Korea.
Now there is a country that really knows how to come up with names for leaders! Their first leader, Kim Il Sung (김일성 in Hangul, 金日成 in Chinese characters, and Imkay Ilay Ungsay in Pig Latin) formally held a lot of the top posts of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, but was called "Great Leader". Great Leader works when you are actually "leading", but what happens when you press on to your reward? Good ol' North Korea knows: after his death, he was called "Eternal President".
Imagine how much more appealing someone like President Millard Fillmore (Personal Slogan: Loading...) would be if we could call him "Excellent Leader" or "Bold Commander". The whole election process itself would benefit from this naming approach as it would generate more interest amongst the clearly comatose electorate in this country. You could even have polls to come up with appropriate titles for the candidates before they are elected.
Kim Il Sung's son, Kim Jong Il (김정일, 金正日, and Imkay Ongjay Ilay) is called "Dear Leader" these days, not as robustly masculine as "Great" or "Eternal", but still better than mere "President". After he moves on to the Communist hereafter, no doubt he will be called "Eternal Dear" or some other equally cool appellation.
What's really cool about North Korea (Mission Statement: GO FUCK YOURSELF!), is how they manage to come up with these names. As I am sure all of you know by now, Kim Jong Il is very ill (HAR!) and is trying to pass on the reins of government to his young son, Kim Jong-un (김정은, 金正銀, 金正雲 or 金正恩 [it seems unclear] and Imkay Ongjay unay [which is clear enough for me]). In order to do this, they have to give the young lad an impressive sounding title. What have they come up with? "Young General"! And to make it even better, his father has promoted the Young General (who has absolutely no military experience) to four-star general in the DPRK army. (Pterosaurish can hear the hard-bitten three-star generals' eyes rolling all the way over here in Seattle.)
Speaking of North Korea, did you know that their society is built on the concept of "juche"(oojay ehchay)?
"What is that?!" I hear you ask.
Allow me to answer that important question.
According to the official website of the DPRK, "The Great Leader (Imkay Ilay Ungsay) said: 'The Juche Idea means, in few words, that the owner of the revolution and construction are the people's masses'.
Well let me tell you... we over here in the good ol' U. S. of A. can out juche any country on the planet. Our people's masses would easily win out over the citizens of a pathetic, little country like North Korea. Why just the other day I saw a person waddling down the street whose juche index was off the charts.
But I digress.
The main point of this article was about the cool names that North Korea comes up with for its leaders and how we could learn something from them. So, next Presidential election, how about "High Overseer Obama" for starters?
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