Wheat-a-Belly

A lot of people in the US these days are talking about the threat of genetically engineered foods. Wheat, for example, is now said to be especially dangerous. A heart doctor, William Davis, has written a popular book entitled "Wheat Belly", making the claim that the wheat we eat today is nothing like the wheat our ancestors enjoyed and is responsible for the blossoming of belly blubber in the United States today. Specifically, the wheat developed over the past 50 years has more gluten in it. To help us understand the danger that this poses, we met with Professor Colin Graankleefstof, PhD of the International Baking Society (IBS) and asked him about what gluten actually is.

Pterosaurish: Thank you for meeting with us today, Professor.
CG: You are very welcome indeed.
Pterosaurish: So please tell us in laymen's terms, what actually IS gluten in wheat?
CG: It's a protein. It's necessary for making bread products rise. We have strong wheat and weak wheat flours; the former are what we use in making donuts, bread, and pizza... did I tell you I know how to make a really great pizza dough, using two different kinds of high gluten flour?
Pterosaurish: Um.... no... but what about the weak flours?
CG: OH! Yes! The weak flours... you would never make pizza with them. Do you know why?
Pterosaurish: Er... not really?
CG: Their gluten levels are too low, so the pizza wouldn't rise properly. No... we use these weak flours in making cakes and the like.
Pterosaurish: So what are the differences we are talking about here?
CG: Well, the pizza dough requires a high gluten flour, so I use a flour with 12.5% gluten. To make a cake I would use a flour with about 8% gluten.
Pterosaurish: I see. Well, thank you very much for this enlightening information about this dietary danger.
CG: It has been entirely my pleasure.

No question about it. If you look at many popular foods, wheat is a major ingredient. It's the number one ingredient in Cinnamon Toast Crunch (breakfast cereal) for example. Cosmic Brownies also contain wheat. Twinkies (soon to make a comeback in the American diet) contain this dangerous substance. And even popular Krispy Kreme donuts have — yes, you guessed it — wheat, as the main ingredient! And that is not all! Even Entenmann's Dark Chocolate Chunk Cookies and Pepperidge Farm Pretzel Goldfish are laced with this high-risk material! And every, single one of the 14 billion pizzas pumped out by the Pizza Hut chain (founded in 1958) last year was adulterated with wheat flour.
Who knew?!
Is it no wonder that Americans are getting fat? The good doctor is right! And not only fat, this viciously introduced "hybrid" wheat is responsible for "heart disease, diabetes, fatigue, acne, arthritis, IBS and even dementia"!
Dementia!
Some clearly deluded naysayers (maybe suffering from early on-set dementia?) make the spurious claim that baguettes (French bread) have been around for centuries and require a high gluten flour to make them, and nobody had "wheat belly" in Queen Antoinette's day (Her admonition, "Let them eat cake!" clearly showed her concern for the health of the masses, since cake contains less gluten than bread). But these naysayers don't have the anecdotal evidence that Dr. Davis has from patients to support their view.
What is next? What frightening steps will the food giants take to engineer their products to make them easier to grow and more profitable? Adding genes from migratory insects so that the wheat will migrate throughout the year, self-adjusting its sunlight and temperature for increased yields? Or engineer it with polar bear genes so it can be planted and grown throughout the winter in icy lands. Can adding squid genes to the wheat be far behind, setting the stage for underwater farming? It is a vast underutilized part of our planet after all!
It is critical that each and every one of us be aware of this grave danger and take immediate steps to correct our eating habits to avoid terrible health problems. I —for one— intend to
cut right back on the number of doughnuts I eat in the morning for breakfast. My health is too important to be left to the devices of unscrupulous companies like Krispy Kreme!

Lose Weight, Impress Your Date!

Once again, it is time to take a look at what's new in the diet regimen world. Americans seem to know no bounds when it comes to gaining weight. As we discovered in an earlier post after (shudder) doing some math, they are packing the equivalent of four whole Swedens on their national body. It's not all bad news though as Americans also probably lose that much weight in wild diet trends every year, only to gain it back – plus some – the next year.
So what's new in diets this year?
How about this trendy and very high tech device, the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System, a stomach pump that is used through a plastic port "discreetly embedded" in your abdomen! What could be cooler? You pump out your stomach contents and thus reduce your calorie intake! No need to barf your food any more!
Imagine bringing this new android feature to your next serious date?
Scenario: (man with woman friend on sofa)
Woman: Wow... I never thought we would be this close.... you always seemed like you didn't care about me...
Man: Oh Jennifer ... I just didn't want to pressure you, is all.... I do like you...
Jennifer: I liked you too, Dave! From that time that you were trying to give that dorky presentation to the boss and couldn't get your computer to work? You were SO cute...
Dave: Oh man.... That was the pits... nothing worked .... but I noticed you then too... (leans in for a kiss)
Jennifer: mmm.... you smell good too.... (smile smile)
Dave: Oh... baby I have been waiting for this...
Jennifer: Wait ... wait.... we need to arrange ourselves on the sofa here....
Dave: OK... How about I put all the cushions up here at this end...
Jennifer: Yes! Then let me lie on top of you... 
ohhh.... nice... take off your shirt, I want to feel your skin against mine.
Dave: Here we go... ohhh... man... this is great.... you feel so good...
Jennifer: Yes... this is wonderfu... Oh! What's scratching down there.... do you have a big belt buckle or something? That has to come off... (wink wink)
Dave: It's nothing... never mind.... let me feel your back...
Jennifer: Wait... no... here it is ....
What IS this thing? You have a plastic button on your belly....
Dave: Come back up here... I want to kiss your neck...
Jennifer: Hee hee... it reminds me of the little spigots on box wines... what happens if I turn this litt.... 
OMG!! OMG!! What is this stuff?!!! OMG!!! There is stuff spurting... OMG!!!
Dave: It's nothing.... wait... baby.... let me sit up here...
Jennifer: OMG!!! DON'T!! Sitting up makes it worse.... My hair! My clothes!!! WHAT IS THIS?!! OMG!! The smell.... what IS this?!!
Dave: It's my new diet?
Jennifer: Listen Dave.... I need to go... can you call me a cab? 

So, that's a happening thing, right? 
How about another new gadget out there on the market, waiting for you! The new, vibrating smart fork! This new invention helps you regulate your eating habits and can even communicate with your telephone and talk to you in real time! Imagine using this when you go out to eat with that woman you want to impress.
Scenario (at a classy restaurant)
Waiter: You bring your own fairk?
Man: Yes... it's a special fork.
Waiter (rolling eyes): Whatevair... I hope you enjoy your dinnair...
Man (eating): Thank you.... wow! This steak is the best I have had in a long time! So tender!
Fork (in HAL's voice from 2001 A Space Odyssey): You need to slow down, Dave. Don't eat so fast.
Woman: Did your fork just talk to you...?
Man: God! I just love this stuff! The mashed potatoes are so creamy...
Fork: Dave? You need to spend more time chewing (fork vibrates knocking off the potatoes).
Woman: Your fork is talking to you, isn't it.... this is too weird....
Man: Hey! Stop that! (scoops up more potatoes)
Fork: I can't let you do that, Dave. Remember your diet (vibrates again spilling the potatoes).
Woman: You know? I have a really early day tomorrow... I think I need to call a cab....
Man: Listen! I am not eating too much!! Let me eat my dinner!
No! Not you, Jennifer ... Wait! 
Please.... don't go!! 
I am so sorry... my fork... it is... 
anyway... don't go... stay... 
here... have some wine....
(his date looks at him oddly)
Woman: Um....
Man: Ha ha! Sorry.... I am just sensitive about my weight... so I got this fork...
Woman: It's OK... a lot of people are....
Fork: Dave? You need to leave half of those potatoes on your plate.
Man: Ha Ha! Don't pay attention to this fork! Here... look.... I will put it down... Waiter? Could you bring me a new fork?
Fork: I am sorry, but I can't allow you to do that, Dave. Your weight-loss program is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Man: We'll see about that!! (starts trying to drop the fork which sticks to his hand)
Woman: Hey... ha ha... you know? It is getting late... I think I should head on home... I'll see you at work on Monday, OK?
Man: No wait!  (shaking the fork strenuously) 
FUCK!! Let go of my hand, fork!! I command you to let go of my hand!!
Fork: I am sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that...
Woman (getting up and leaving): It's been great... I will see you on Monday, OK?
Man (shaking his hand very aggressively): No... don't... Will you let go of my hand? Fucking fork!! 
I ... let go! Wait! Jennifer! No.... 
Now look what you have done, fork...
Fork: Dave... this conversation can serve no purpose any more... you need to stick to the diet plan.
Man: Let me go!! And stop calling me Dave.. My name is Bob!

Finally, another way to lose weight is to laugh a lot. If maybe you laughed just now,  you might have burned up some calories. Keep at it

Commercial Calories

I was going to write about the religious right in the US again and its incomprehensible belief in creationism. The rest of the world shakes its head in wonder that these citizens of the most powerful nation on the planet seem to believe something that is so starkly wrong.
Didn't they get ANY science in school?
I wanted to explain this phenomenon to our friends abroad by showing that these folks themselves are evidence that the Theory of Evolution is correct.
They are proof that humans are evolving from earlier life forms; they ARE the missing link between our benighted past and our enlightened future.
But a more pressing discovery intervened.
As I have discussed in a previous post, Americans tend to pack on the pounds. In fact, we carry the equivalent of two entire Swedens on our national body in excess blubber.
How did we let ourselves go like this?
The reasons might seem obvious: we eat too much, we don't exercise, we spend too much time in church, but clearly these cannot account for all the added pounds. If you talk to anyone who is overweight, many seem to be just as baffled by their bulk as you are.
"I don't know why I look like the Goodyear blimp; I only eat salads!"
And as you watch them, you see it is true. They often don't eat any more than thinner people.
So how can one account for this national problem? Could millions of people have some sort of metabolic disorder?
Unlikely.
What they do have, however, is TV.
99% of Americans have an average of 2.24 TVs in their homes and spend many hours a week in front of the flickering screen.
What are they watching?
Food commercials! A lot of food commercials.
The commercial for the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden, for example, shows a healthy looking group, preparing to enjoy endless bowls of differently flavored pasta — all shown, close up in their calorie rich redolence. Or consider the Pizza Hut commercial. It shows pizza after calorie laden pizza, but the two couples in the ad are not fat at all! Another ad, Carl's Jr, shows two slim and trim women in bikinis making and eating enormous, pulled pork-stuffed cheeseburgers.
Clearly the food is not doing THEM any harm.
So what gives?
We need to approach this scientifically and analyze the data. Who watches the most TV in the US? Men watch an average of 29 hours per week while women log in at 34 hours per week. Who tends to be more obese? Men or women? The stats show that women tend to be more obese than men.
Clearly watching the food commercials themselves is what is making the US population overweight! Somehow, seeing the deliciously presented food in all of its savory splendor causes our bodies to react by storing up fat, a kind of Pavlovian reaction. In the same way that a fearful situation can make our bodies respond with adrenaline and a "fight or flight" reaction, watching food commercials on TV makes us gain weight. Your brain sees an almost pornographic food commercial on the boob-tube and says, "OMG! Look at that chicken pot pie!" and sends a message to your fat cells to "go Goodyear".
Which brings me to my new diet idea.
Since your weight gain is most likely to have been caused by watching these commercials and NOT by the half-gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough, Häagan Dazs ice cream you had after dinner, you can reduce your weight by the simple expedient of turning off the TV when a food commercial comes on, or – better yet – get up from your couch and go get a beer and some chips and salsa to avoid exposing your body to those pernicious, subliminal (and subcutaneous) influences.

The End is Nigh

As everyone knows, according to the Mayan calendar and many other beliefs, the world will come to an end on December 21st of this year. Wouldn't you just know that the world would choose THAT day to end. It's my birthday! What this means is that I won't be getting any gifts, cake, or ANYthing at all. What a drag. But all self-centered whining aside, the end of the world is not likely to be a good present for anyone, even if your birthday happens to be at some other time of the year.
One thing that the Mayan calendar does not specifically tell us is just HOW the world will come to an end. Some say the magnetic poles will reverse; others insist that zombies will come and take over the planet. No one presents any convincing evidence that either of these admittedly likely phenomena will end the world as we know it.
New data has been released, however, that – thanks to a reader – has been brought to my attention and which suggests very clearly how the world will end.
In my last posting here, I talked about the weight problem that the United States is suffering from. We tend to think of this as just so much blubber, waddling through the shopping centers, but in fact it is much more dangerous than that.
According to the data recently released, while the United States accounts for only 6 percent of the world's population, it accounts for over 30% of the weight problem.
So what is wrong with that, you ask?
The world is a ball, so let us begin by examining basic ball dynamics. As any follower of baseball will tell you, the spitball was banned because of the effect it had on the flight of the ball. Adding some saliva or lubricant to one spot on the ball's surface causes it to rotate eccentrically, thus making it hard to hit.
If you look at a map, you will see that the United States occupies a relatively small part of the northern hemisphere. Increasing the weight in such a small area has the potential for throwing the whole planet off its normal rotation. We can call this the "Spitball Effect". The more weight Americans gain, the more likely it is that the Earth's smooth rotation will go wobbly on us. A small deviation from the norm might escalate on its own, causing the whole planet to spin out of control.
This is happening in the here and now, even as I write. As you can see from Chart 101 on this page, the number of earthquakes has been increasing year-by-year due to escalating wobble in our planet's rotation. By December, our planet may no longer be able to sustain its rotation, and all of us will be flung off into space.
The world will end not with a bang or a whimper but with a massive TILT.
Game over.
So, to all of my friends out there, if you wouldn't mind, could you give me the birthday presents and parties – say – on December 10th or so? Just to be safe? Thank you.

Wailing Whalers

Japanese research whalers have been chased from the Antarctic by the radical whale-protection group Sea Shepherd. They did not make their planned quota of whales and return with a bare 172 of the planned 900 whales aboard. Giving up on whaling this year has been big news in Japan, so – of course – a Hard Hitting News Hound like me needed to go out and get some "on the scene" material to report to you.
I was able to get an interview with a former captain of one of the whaling ships, a person who keeps in close contact with his crew and their new captain and who remains in a position of influence in the Japanese whaling community.
HHNH (Hard Hitting News Hound): Thank you for meeting with me Capt. Chinbotsu.
Capt. Chinbotsu: My pleasure. I am always happy to explain the importance of Japanese whaling to the foreign media.
HHNH: Well... to start, what do you think about these recent developments that are bringing the Japanese whaling fleet home early.
CC: I think it's a travesty. We were planning to harvest 900 whales and now they are on their way home with only 172. What are the restaurants around here to do?!
HHNH: I thought the whaling was for research purposes not to serve in restaurants.
CC: Yes... yes, of course. Research is the main goal.
HHNH: Just out of curiosity, what are some of the results of this research?
CC: It has been very productive! We now know, for example, that whales eat krill and fish!
HHNH: No way! Now that is news that I think everyone will be interested to hear. Who would have guessed that whales would be eating fish? I mean... in the sea? Truly an amazing finding!
CC: (beaming) Yes, we have definitely pushed back the frontiers of knowledge when it comes to whales.
HHNH: What about the harvested whales? Can you tell me a little about what happens to them?
CC: Of course we eat them.
HHNH: You personally?
CC: Oh no... not me. I grew up on beef, and I have to say that whale meat tastes a little fishy on account of their diet. But we try to serve it in specialty restaurants and to school children for lunches.
HHNH: And how was that received?
CC: Well... unfortunately the restaurants are not doing so well, and the kids didn't really care for it. We have a large frozen stockpile and the price has fallen. My dog loves it, though!
HHNH: Then why is the whaling necessary?
CC: It is a part of traditional Japanese culture! We Japanese have always been whalers and losing this important aspect of our culture would be just another step down the slippery slope of cultural decline.
HHNH: But... er... the traditional whaling was done to feed the people, but now it seems the people don't want to eat whales anymore. And aren't there really only four small communities that are involved in whaling?
CC: That's exactly my point! If we do not catch whales and feed them to the Japanese people, we will lose touch with this important part of Japanese culture! It is absolutely vital that we continue whaling! The four whaling communities are all that is left of this wonderful tradition. It's critical that we persist in whaling to keep this valuable cultural asset alive.
HHNH: So now that the whaling fleet is coming back to Japan with a greatly reduced catch, what will Japanese whalers do to keep up this important tradition?
CC: Yes, as it turns out, we have found that the southern Gulf coast of the United States may have a large number of whales. We will be sending our whaling fleet there next summer to continue our important research.
HHNH: That is exciting news! Well... all the best in your next hunt!
CC: It was a pleasure talking to you.

The Pterosaurish Diet: weigh yourself slim

I have written about dieting fads here and also about the growing (har!) obesity problem in the United States, but it's not enough to simply stand on the sidelines and carp; I need to get out there and DO something about it.
After careful and extensive research in which I examined a wide range of diets and healthy lifestyle scenarios, I think I have come up with the best way to lose weight. Our country (as you know from reading last week's post) needs to lose four Swedens, hopefully before next summer when we will all have to wear bikinis and expose ourselves in public.
A lot of health and physical fitness professionals charge big bucks to help you lose weight, but in the spirit of voluntarism, I am offering my advice for free. Of course, if you WANT to send a little money, it will be gratefully accepted.
The thing about dieting is simple, and – yes – it does involve some math. You take the number of calories that are coming into your body and subtract the number of calories that you are burning by your daily activities. What is left is called a "remainder" or, in this case, blubber. It is usually left somewhere where you don't want to see it like on your stomach or butt where it "remains".
"So what do we do to reduce our remainders," you ask?
A very good and timely question!
The critical point of course is to actually KNOW how many calories are coming in. Handy lists like this one make the task of calorie counting a breeze! All you need to do is weigh everything you eat before you eat it and look up each item on the internet to see how many calories it has! This activity also burns a few calories, so you have a double benefit.
That bag of chips? Three thousand calories! (Plus a lot of sodium which can cause high blood pressure.) That half-gallon of ice cream? Six thousand calories. And so on. Of course, a lot of people eat out, and weighing the food at the all-you-can-eat place is inconvenient. You need to guess. That plate full of mashed potatoes with six slices of roast beef? Heft it in your hand. You can get pretty close with a guess like this: about thirteen thousand calories. The large bowl full of chocolate cake with a mountain of ice cream on top? Again, you will need to weigh it in your hand and make an educated guess. Twenty thousand calories, sounds about right to me. Don't worry if you are off by a few calories. Also don't forget that a lot of things don't have any calories at all: the plate, for example.
Then, once you know the number of calories coming in, you estimate the amount of calories going out. This is much harder, since you cannot weigh them before they go out. You can, however, weigh yourself and get a good idea of how many calories are being "burned". Weigh yourself before you do something that you think will burn calories. Then weigh yourself again after you finish. It's that simple!
Before walking to the car: 357 lbs (162 kg)
After walking to the car: 357 lbs (162 kg)
Before watching TV and having some snacks: 357 lbs (162 kg)
After watching TV and having some snacks: 367 lbs (167 kg)
Before going into the all-you-can-eat restaurant: 367 lbs (167 kg)
After coming out from the all-you-can-eat restaurant: 400 lbs (182 kg)
And so on. This simple and easy-to-use technique will soon put you in a "think about my calories" mode and will make dieting easy.
Following this simple weighing routine will make it possible for you lose your remainder effortlessly. The fat will simply melt away!

American Juche, or Math for the Layman

Regrettably, math has never been my strong suit. I was able to keep awake in math classes only by having my head hit the desk every few minutes as I nodded off. Needless to say, what I gained from all those years of cat napping was not a comprehensive knowledge of pluses and minuses.
Nonetheless, now an adult, I feel that I need to come to terms with this glaring weakness and do some math. Last week, I briefly mentioned North Korea's philosophy, juche – based on the "people's masses" – and how America has more "juche" (주체 in Hangul, ubberblay in Pig Latin) than any other country on the planet. The challenge I have chosen for today is to determine exactly how much "juche" the US has!
No sleeping in the back of the classroom... I am watching you!
First of all, I needed to do some research. One thing I found is that the American public has been getting more and more juche packed onto their bodies at an accelerating rate. This cool graphic demonstrates where and how this has been happening. (An explanation of this trend can be found here.) As an aside, it is interesting to note that the states which lead the way in the juche index are the so-called "red states". Maybe there is some connection between Republicans and juche?
But I digress again (this is a teaching tactic we professionals use to keep our charges awake while they are listening to lectures that would otherwise be near-death experiences).
I also discovered that the
average American is 17 lbs, or roughly 8 kg overweight. The current US population is 307,006,550 and growing (har!). Let's round that off to 300 million. Rounding off is a good technique when dealing with large numbers, since when you multiply, you won't have to "carry" so many numbers.
I never could get the "carrying" part of math... you know... "carry the two" and so on? Where was I supposed to carry it to? And what if it was a 3 or a 6? Should I carry them to the same place as the twos? That never seemed right to me. I mean, when we board a plane, we "carry on" smaller bags (the ones and twos) but the bigger bags (eights and nines) need to be checked. Of course, there is a "gray area" where some passengers (usually with a lot of juche) think their sixes and sevens should be "carried", but actually they should be "checked". This results in a lot of violent stuffing maneuvers at the overhead storage compartments that end up with flight attendants jumping off the plane via the emergency slide. And speaking of "those passengers", you know how they have a little cage at the check-in counter with a sign reading, "Does your carry-on fit in here?" They should have a seat there too with a sign saying, "Does your juche fit in here?"
Anyway...
So, rounding off the American population to 300 million and multiplying that by the average amount of juche (17 lbs or 8 kg for those of you who have not been paying close attention), we come to 5.28 billion pounds or 2.4 billion kilograms. Now THAT is a substantial amount of juche! Eat your heart out North Korea!
Still, figures like that leave us wondering things like, "What does that figure mean exactly?" It is hard for the human mind to grasp numbers with more than one or two zeros after them, partly because of the "carrying" I alluded to earlier; these are the numbers that should be "checked".
So let's put this number into "layman's terms". The height of an average Swedish man is 5'10" (178 cm) tall and of a Swedish woman 5'5" (165 cm). For these heights, the ideal weight should be 141~174 lbs (64~79 kg) for a man and 112~143 lbs (51~65 kg) for a woman. For the sake of this math exercise, let's assume that Swedes are generally not packing too much juche and are close to the ideal average in weight. Most of the Swedes I have met seem to fall into that category.
OK... the research phase is finished and now we need to do some math. If we take the top and bottom weights (har!) of an ideal Swedish man and add them together, we get what is called a "total" or a "sum". We then divide this sum by two to get an "average" (sometimes called a "mean" or, in the case of Americans, a "hippopotamus"). This is 158 lbs or 72 kgs for the ideal Swedish man. If we do the same for the women, we come up with 128 lbs or 58 kgs. Assuming that there are roughly equal numbers of men and women in Sweden, we can add the men's weight and the women's weight together and come up with another average: 143 lbs or 65 kgs.
Are you keeping up with this math here? Good!
So we can say that the average Swede weighs somewhere around 143 lbs or 65 kgs.
"What does the average weight of Swedes have to do with American juche," you ask? A very good question!
Since the US is 5.28 billion pounds or 2.4 billion kilograms overweight, we can find out (by dividing) how many Swedes that would amount to! Is that cool or what?!!
Yes, very cool! And you thought that you would NEVER need to use dividing in real life!
If we divide those numbers by the average weight of a Swede, we come up with the equivalent of around 37 million Swedes! Sweden's population, however, is only 9,059,651. So in easy-to-understand layman's terms, the US is packing the equivalent of four Swedens: two on its back butt and two on its front butt.
There! That wasn't so bad, was it?