Perhaps you have seen this report about the bishop who might have inadvertently given his parishioners hepatitis through the instrument of Holy Communion. Apparently the bishop got hepatitis himself while on a trip to Italy and brought it back to North Dakota unwittingly as an unwelcome souvenir. He seemed to have gotten it from contaminated food over there.
The worry is that in the giving of communion in four churches, he may have passed along the disease to members of the congregations. Parishioners are being warned by the Department of Health to be on the lookout for symptoms of the illness, which include "fever, tiredness, loss of appetite, nausea, abdominal discomfort, dark urine, pale stools or jaundice".
Sounds yucky.
As you may also be aware, the Roman Catholic Church believes in "transubstantiation". This is the belief that the bread and wine of Communion actually change into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. This enables the believer to become more like Jesus and to leave behind the sins that have led him or her away from God. Ignoring the "eww factor", we can guess that the worshipers at the churches in North Dakota were participating in just such a ritual.
The typical sacramental bread is in wafer form, unleavened and made only with water and wheat flour. The wafers were traditionally made in convents by nuns, but nowadays most are made and stamped by machine. Since wheat flour typically has gluten, the transubstantiation into the body of Christ removes any danger of gluten intolerance, proving the power of this belief.
As the wafers pass from manufacturer to distributor, from distributor to local church, from local church to the mouths of the faithful, they must pick up various "contaminants", dust, packaging molecules, and so on. Presumably these all turn into the body of Jesus upon consumption by the flocks of believers receiving them, since the priest holds up the wafer with "everything on it" and proclaims it to be the "body of Christ". Any believer would agree that the hepatitis along with everything else clinging to the wafer turns into the body of Jesus.
Clearly this is another example of government encroachment on religious rights of worship. The Department of Health in North Dakota, obviously under the godless influence of the Obama administration, is raising concerns that the Holy Eucharist might be contaminated with disease! Catholics should know that the alarm is being raised unnecessarily and that the faithful flocks in North Dakota have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Monday, October 28, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
What is Prayer Good For?
Prayer is good for
1. Stopping the Supreme Court from accepting gay marriage.
2. Stopping a bad tornado in Oklahoma.
3. Making people feel better after a bad tornado in Oklahoma.
4. Casting out demons.
5. Getting mafiosi to be good.
6. Helping you decide to go back to work.
7. Getting Rick Santorum elected President.
8. Repealing Obamacare.
9. Making gay people straight.
10. Stopping children from being killed by guns better than gun control legislation.
11. Getting Mitt Romney elected President.
12. Saving you from taking the Titanic.
13. Making your trip to Disney World healthy.
14. Stopping drone attacks on you.
15. Guarding against accidents in your new car.
16. Finding you a job.
17. Getting you more money.
18. Finding a husband.
19. Getting through divorce.
20. Convincing Herman Cain to run for President.
21. Convincing Herman Cain to stop running for President.
22. Making it snow.
23. Making it stop snowing.
24. Getting more sex.
25. Helping Paul Ryan's kids with their homework.
Enough.... you get the picture.
1. Stopping the Supreme Court from accepting gay marriage.
2. Stopping a bad tornado in Oklahoma.
3. Making people feel better after a bad tornado in Oklahoma.
4. Casting out demons.
5. Getting mafiosi to be good.
6. Helping you decide to go back to work.
7. Getting Rick Santorum elected President.
8. Repealing Obamacare.
9. Making gay people straight.
10. Stopping children from being killed by guns better than gun control legislation.
11. Getting Mitt Romney elected President.
12. Saving you from taking the Titanic.
13. Making your trip to Disney World healthy.
14. Stopping drone attacks on you.
15. Guarding against accidents in your new car.
16. Finding you a job.
17. Getting you more money.
18. Finding a husband.
19. Getting through divorce.
20. Convincing Herman Cain to run for President.
21. Convincing Herman Cain to stop running for President.
22. Making it snow.
23. Making it stop snowing.
24. Getting more sex.
25. Helping Paul Ryan's kids with their homework.
Enough.... you get the picture.
Monday, May 6, 2013
6 Steps to Spiritual Balance and a Zen Mind
Have you ever noticed how the Huffington Post emphasizes number titles? We have discussed that technique here before.
You grab your audience's attention while still letting them know that
the length of time they need to focus is well within their
truncated attention span.
In the Huffington Post right now we have no fewer than 9 articles that use this approach to introduce information.
10 Reasons to Meditate
6 Ways To Simplify Your Morning Beauty Routine
5 Ways Stress Accelerates Aging
7 Surprising Things That Age You Faster
17 Things To Never Do Alone
First, you don't need to be a stickler about round numbers, so you can go ahead and say things like, "5 Ways to Avoid Painful Constipation" or "3 Steps to Reducing Thigh Friction". It does seem important to not have your numbers be too big. The title above, "17 Things To Never Do Alone", tripped me up. I thought maybe they could have done better by limiting it to 10 or 11, especially since most of them were total fluff.
I mean really... never hang that picture alone? Why zero in on that?
How about replacing that stupid thing with never sticking a live eel up your butt alone? Who would take you to the hospital to have it surgically removed?
Anyway, today I am offering my advice in this very popular, numbered style.
I have been paging through women's magazines and the health websites of the Internet recently and noticed how much space in the advice columns is devoted to "spiritual balance". Someone like me who has lived a long and exciting life has important advice to lend to others who are still trying to find their ways. Yes, I know most of you will be surprised that I have life-advice to offer, since you think I am an incredibly shallow and superficial person, only interested in wine and good fish 'n' chips.
But nothing could be further from the truth; I am interested in good pizza as well.
In fact, I have experienced Zen meditation and the enlightenment that comes from powerful centering exercises with my body through the martial arts. It is this background that presses me to pass along some of what I have learned to those of you who have not been so blessed with these revelations.
A key component of your spiritual development and one that is mentioned by almost every mentor in this field is keeping your spiritual center and physical being in balance.
Gurus and other spiritual leaders talk in parables, so I should follow their lead to help make some of these concepts easier to understand for you, the layperson.
You undoubtedly have a feeling that your inner self still retains the blissful openness of childhood and that your eyes want to drink in the excitement of the world around you as if experiencing everything for the first time. In your mind's eye you chase the wind-tossed, dandelion fluff through the forest of your imagination – free and innocent.
This is your spiritual core revealing itself to you, calling out to you.
Then you look at your physical being and realize that rather than the frisky inner child you imagine yourself to be you are actually more like a manatee. In fact, the only drinking in of experience you have had is the six-pack of beer you finish off every evening in front of the TV. This is WHY you are called a layperson*.
But getting to your balance, this parable shows how you can have an unbalance between these two sides of your being; your yin is weighing down your wang... no, yang.
Something like that.
Anyway, there are steps YOU can take in the comfort of your own home to restore this balance and find transcendental bliss.
1. It is unreasonable to expect to adjust only one side of your nature to fit the other. True, the manatee will have to cut back on the beer, but the inner child will also have to grow up and face the reality of the manatee. Manatees are actually herbivores, so that would be a good start right there, and inner children should not drink beer, since they are underage.
Just saying.
2. Focus on the positive by finding the aspects of both sides of you and realizing their potentials. Your left side says "blubber" and your right side agrees. There you go, another good start.
3. Think about your inner child and ask it if it can compromise to some extent. Both sides have to meet halfway. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian problem. Nobody gets everything s/he wants. Your inner child must give up the acting out part of its adventure (the manatee cannot frisk through the forest), and the manatee side must cut back on the "settlements" (if you get my drift).
4. Learn to feel good about BOTH sides of your being. The yin and the wang both. If your inner child can learn to love the manatee and the manatee can accept the inner child – each on its own terms – you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.
5. Wait... no cake.
6. Surround yourself with fellow travelers. Reinforcement for your spiritual balance from the outside can only help you to achieve your transcendental goals. Find another manatee with an inner child, struggling to get out.
And remember this: Zen means never having to say you are.
Finally, appreciate your mentors and gurus. We do accept all major credit cards as well as cash donations.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Don't mess with me about "lay" and "lie"; I know the difference. Many people still say, "Go lay down for a while until the vodka wears off", I use the word "lay" with that in mind. Yes... "lie" is grammatically correct. If you want to be a "lieperson", go for it.
In the Huffington Post right now we have no fewer than 9 articles that use this approach to introduce information.
10 Reasons to Meditate
4 Common Mispronunciations That Drive Me Crazy
10 Most Horrifying Things Landlords Have Done 6 Ways To Simplify Your Morning Beauty Routine
5 Ways Stress Accelerates Aging
6 Awesome And Affordable Hotels For Beach Bums
9 Fitness Retreats To Whip You Into Shape For Summer 20137 Surprising Things That Age You Faster
17 Things To Never Do Alone
First, you don't need to be a stickler about round numbers, so you can go ahead and say things like, "5 Ways to Avoid Painful Constipation" or "3 Steps to Reducing Thigh Friction". It does seem important to not have your numbers be too big. The title above, "17 Things To Never Do Alone", tripped me up. I thought maybe they could have done better by limiting it to 10 or 11, especially since most of them were total fluff.
I mean really... never hang that picture alone? Why zero in on that?
How about replacing that stupid thing with never sticking a live eel up your butt alone? Who would take you to the hospital to have it surgically removed?
Anyway, today I am offering my advice in this very popular, numbered style.
I have been paging through women's magazines and the health websites of the Internet recently and noticed how much space in the advice columns is devoted to "spiritual balance". Someone like me who has lived a long and exciting life has important advice to lend to others who are still trying to find their ways. Yes, I know most of you will be surprised that I have life-advice to offer, since you think I am an incredibly shallow and superficial person, only interested in wine and good fish 'n' chips.
But nothing could be further from the truth; I am interested in good pizza as well.
In fact, I have experienced Zen meditation and the enlightenment that comes from powerful centering exercises with my body through the martial arts. It is this background that presses me to pass along some of what I have learned to those of you who have not been so blessed with these revelations.
A key component of your spiritual development and one that is mentioned by almost every mentor in this field is keeping your spiritual center and physical being in balance.
Gurus and other spiritual leaders talk in parables, so I should follow their lead to help make some of these concepts easier to understand for you, the layperson.
You undoubtedly have a feeling that your inner self still retains the blissful openness of childhood and that your eyes want to drink in the excitement of the world around you as if experiencing everything for the first time. In your mind's eye you chase the wind-tossed, dandelion fluff through the forest of your imagination – free and innocent.
This is your spiritual core revealing itself to you, calling out to you.
Then you look at your physical being and realize that rather than the frisky inner child you imagine yourself to be you are actually more like a manatee. In fact, the only drinking in of experience you have had is the six-pack of beer you finish off every evening in front of the TV. This is WHY you are called a layperson*.
But getting to your balance, this parable shows how you can have an unbalance between these two sides of your being; your yin is weighing down your wang... no, yang.
Something like that.
Anyway, there are steps YOU can take in the comfort of your own home to restore this balance and find transcendental bliss.
1. It is unreasonable to expect to adjust only one side of your nature to fit the other. True, the manatee will have to cut back on the beer, but the inner child will also have to grow up and face the reality of the manatee. Manatees are actually herbivores, so that would be a good start right there, and inner children should not drink beer, since they are underage.
Just saying.
2. Focus on the positive by finding the aspects of both sides of you and realizing their potentials. Your left side says "blubber" and your right side agrees. There you go, another good start.
3. Think about your inner child and ask it if it can compromise to some extent. Both sides have to meet halfway. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian problem. Nobody gets everything s/he wants. Your inner child must give up the acting out part of its adventure (the manatee cannot frisk through the forest), and the manatee side must cut back on the "settlements" (if you get my drift).
4. Learn to feel good about BOTH sides of your being. The yin and the wang both. If your inner child can learn to love the manatee and the manatee can accept the inner child – each on its own terms – you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.
5. Wait... no cake.
6. Surround yourself with fellow travelers. Reinforcement for your spiritual balance from the outside can only help you to achieve your transcendental goals. Find another manatee with an inner child, struggling to get out.
And remember this: Zen means never having to say you are.
Finally, appreciate your mentors and gurus. We do accept all major credit cards as well as cash donations.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Don't mess with me about "lay" and "lie"; I know the difference. Many people still say, "Go lay down for a while until the vodka wears off", I use the word "lay" with that in mind. Yes... "lie" is grammatically correct. If you want to be a "lieperson", go for it.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Orthodox in a Bag
Religion can be pretty weird.
Think about Jim Jones and his Kool-Aid followers (I was tempted to make it sound like a band name, but they were too creepy to use it that way). But let's face it; people believe religious stuff, and it takes them to unusual places.
Look what happened to the Branch Davidians at Waco (and why are they "Branch" and not mainline?).
And who even wants to think about Mormons: Mitt Romney (shudder), I rest my case.
But if – in the interest of discussion – you were to think of religious practices that indicate "special" behaviors, what do you think would be at the top of the list?
How about putting yourself into a big plastic bag on an airplane?
If I can stop laughing, I will finish this... I swear it.
OK...
So here is the situation.
A guy is in a bag on an airplane (Yes... once again, it is a guy. Sometimes I feel SO embarrassed!). He is said to be an orthodox Jew.
He has put himself into a large plastic bag; this was not something done to him.
Why?
If you have already read about this, then you know, but if not, why do you think he is in the bag?
Here are the multiple choice options.
a) Orthodox Jews of his position are not allowed to be so close to women, so to protect him from their "cooties" he has put himself into a big baggie.
b) Orthodox Jews of his position are not allowed to fly over cemeteries as it makes them "impure", so to protect himself from the emissions of the cemeteries below, he has put himself into a big baggie.
c) Orthodox Jews of his position are actually not allowed to fly (like the Amish) but if they insulate themselves from the plane by putting themselves into a big baggie, they can fly.
d) He thought he could check himself as the bag of the guy sitting next to him, but the airline said he was "carry on".
e) This man is not an orthodox Jew of any special position but rather a nut. The airline people had him removed from the plane.
If you guessed (b), you win!
Apparently, he is a Kohen (resulting in English names like Cohen, Cahn, Conway, etc.) and as such they are forbidden to come into contact with the dead, even at 10,000 meters.
He is flying in an aluminum airplane, but that is not enough protection from the cemeteries below. You know how that cemetery radiation can be: 10,000 meters of air and a thick aluminum airplane fuselage are like vapor, but come up against a big Hefty bag? FULL STOP!
He also wears a yarmulke (rather than a tinfoil helmet), but that is not enough.
Clearly he needs to enclose himself in a big baggie.
Duh?
Sealing himself into the large Hefty bag renders him immune to any bad vibrations from cemeteries below.
Do you understand this?
Neither do I.
An alternative explanation is that being in a "hermetically sealed bag" on several flights, might have caused him to suffer from serious oxygen deprivation, rendering him "a nut" as in choice (e) above. So if you chose (e), you get the consolation prize!
Interestingly, these "priests" can defile themselves in many ways (such as marrying a prostitute), but if they later divorce the prostitute or stop their "bad-boy ways" they can be restored automatically to their special status as orthodox priests. How cool is that! Even Christians can't get away with stuff like that so easily.
I try to imagine his thinking, "Here I am, an important priest in my religion who is forbidden to be anywhere near a cemetery. I might fly over such a cemetery during this flight from Tel Aviv to Eilat where I need to go for my vacation (wink wink... thinking serious "bad boy" here!). So I have put myself into this big plastic bag to protect me from the emissions of ANY cemetery below. And NO, I don't want the in-flight meal, and DO NOT offend me with the inflight movie."
And here we thought only Christians and Muslims produced nutters.
Orthodox Jew nutter to go, anyone?
Think about Jim Jones and his Kool-Aid followers (I was tempted to make it sound like a band name, but they were too creepy to use it that way). But let's face it; people believe religious stuff, and it takes them to unusual places.
Look what happened to the Branch Davidians at Waco (and why are they "Branch" and not mainline?).
And who even wants to think about Mormons: Mitt Romney (shudder), I rest my case.
But if – in the interest of discussion – you were to think of religious practices that indicate "special" behaviors, what do you think would be at the top of the list?
How about putting yourself into a big plastic bag on an airplane?
If I can stop laughing, I will finish this... I swear it.
OK...
So here is the situation.
A guy is in a bag on an airplane (Yes... once again, it is a guy. Sometimes I feel SO embarrassed!). He is said to be an orthodox Jew.
He has put himself into a large plastic bag; this was not something done to him.
Why?
If you have already read about this, then you know, but if not, why do you think he is in the bag?
Here are the multiple choice options.
a) Orthodox Jews of his position are not allowed to be so close to women, so to protect him from their "cooties" he has put himself into a big baggie.
b) Orthodox Jews of his position are not allowed to fly over cemeteries as it makes them "impure", so to protect himself from the emissions of the cemeteries below, he has put himself into a big baggie.
c) Orthodox Jews of his position are actually not allowed to fly (like the Amish) but if they insulate themselves from the plane by putting themselves into a big baggie, they can fly.
d) He thought he could check himself as the bag of the guy sitting next to him, but the airline said he was "carry on".
e) This man is not an orthodox Jew of any special position but rather a nut. The airline people had him removed from the plane.
If you guessed (b), you win!
Apparently, he is a Kohen (resulting in English names like Cohen, Cahn, Conway, etc.) and as such they are forbidden to come into contact with the dead, even at 10,000 meters.
He is flying in an aluminum airplane, but that is not enough protection from the cemeteries below. You know how that cemetery radiation can be: 10,000 meters of air and a thick aluminum airplane fuselage are like vapor, but come up against a big Hefty bag? FULL STOP!
He also wears a yarmulke (rather than a tinfoil helmet), but that is not enough.
Clearly he needs to enclose himself in a big baggie.
Duh?
Sealing himself into the large Hefty bag renders him immune to any bad vibrations from cemeteries below.
Do you understand this?
Neither do I.
An alternative explanation is that being in a "hermetically sealed bag" on several flights, might have caused him to suffer from serious oxygen deprivation, rendering him "a nut" as in choice (e) above. So if you chose (e), you get the consolation prize!
Interestingly, these "priests" can defile themselves in many ways (such as marrying a prostitute), but if they later divorce the prostitute or stop their "bad-boy ways" they can be restored automatically to their special status as orthodox priests. How cool is that! Even Christians can't get away with stuff like that so easily.
I try to imagine his thinking, "Here I am, an important priest in my religion who is forbidden to be anywhere near a cemetery. I might fly over such a cemetery during this flight from Tel Aviv to Eilat where I need to go for my vacation (wink wink... thinking serious "bad boy" here!). So I have put myself into this big plastic bag to protect me from the emissions of ANY cemetery below. And NO, I don't want the in-flight meal, and DO NOT offend me with the inflight movie."
And here we thought only Christians and Muslims produced nutters.
Orthodox Jew nutter to go, anyone?
Monday, April 8, 2013
72 – count 'em – Virgins or Raisins
I have written here before, making fun of Christian fundamentalists and their silly beliefs in creationism and intelligent design. Indeed just last week, I mentioned some techniques to keep the fundies from your door. Many people might think that I have it in for Christians, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I am an equal opportunity offender.
The doctrines of any religion reveal a lot about its inner sexual psychology. The celibacy and exclusion of women in the Catholic Church's priesthood cannot help but attract a "certain kind" of man. We have seen a lot of what those "certain kinds" of men have been doing in their positions of late.
The doctrine of fundamentalist Islam also reveals a lot about believers' psychology. Haven't you ever wondered about the 72 virgins that jihadist martyrs are supposed to get when they ascend to heaven (actually it is any male believer)?
There are so many unanswered questions!
Where do these virgins come from?
What do they look like?
Why is it so important that they be virgin; wouldn't a more experienced... um... heavenly hostess have an enhanced appeal?
In the interest of edification, I have done some research into this topic and can present to you the definitive answer to these questions.
All of the answers come directly from Qur'anic or related sources.
First of all, I am sure you are curious about what these virgins look like!
Since women in many Muslim countries are required to cover themselves to the point that they look indistinguishable from moving yard-waste bags, one cannot help but wonder what imaginations Muslim men must have about paradise (yes, it is all men).
The virgins will have "wide and lovely eyes like pearls". Of course, most pearls I have seen don't make such great looking eyes, but – hey – whatever floats your boat, right?
Not only that, the virgins will be "hairless except the eye brows and the head". This makes me wonder if waxing is popular in Muslim countries! If not, there's a good business opportunity for you there.
The virgins will be "voluptuous" with "large, round breasts which are not inclined to hang". (see picture from Islamic website). The virgins will be "beautiful" (of course), "white skinned" (starting to see a prejudice here...), "eternally young", and – somewhat mysteriously – "companions of equal age". Equal age to whom? The dead guy? What if he was 90?*
But wait, there's more!
The virgins will be "transparent to the marrow of their bones". This may mean that all you could see is the marrow of their bones, or that you cannot see the virgins at all; neither of which ties in well with "beautiful".
They will also be quite large (no, I am not making this up). They will stand 27.5 meters tall (60 cubits) and will be 3.2 meters (7 cubits) in width. This is getting into nightmare territory for me, but we should respect their religious beliefs, right?
What about their all-important sexual attributes?
Well, obviously they are virgins, but not only that, they remain virgins even AFTER sex with the guy that gets them! Yes, their hymens are "unbroken by sexual intercourse", kind of like a self-sealing fuel tank on a fighter jet.
Born again virgins! How cool is that?
Clearly the unbroken hymen is the definition of "virgin" in the Muslim world. If a woman has sex repeatedly but still manages to preserve the hymen, no problem! Do they then "service" the next group of ascending men? Maybe there are ONLY 72 "virgins"!
The virgins will also have "appetizing vaginas" (no, I am really not making this up). Yum yum!
But – hey – it cannot be all about sex; get real! No, these virgins have personalities! We cannot just think of them as sex objects; where HAVE you been?
What about their personalities? The Qur'an reveals that despite their lusty appearance and eagerness for sex, they are "chaste" and "restrain their glances" and when they do look at you, they have a "modest gaze".
They also are "pure". I am not sure what "pure" means when describing a virgin who has repeated sex with someone, but who am I to judge, right?
The virgins also do not menstruate (maybe they are guys?). They do not pee, nor do they poop (this could lead to serious health problems later on). AND they will never bear a child (sounds like a guy to me).
Finally, the virgins are never dissatisfied. So no matter how inadequate you may feel here in this life – you pathetic weeny with major sexual insecurities, you – the virgins will fluff you up to feel better about yourself!
My feeling is that instead of the drones dropping bombs on the benighted Taliban in Pakistan and Afghanistan, they should drop information about the virgins.
"DO YOU WANT THIS?!" with a picture of a huge, transparent being with only bone marrow showing. It would cut the jihad off at the knees.
Of course there is the alternative translation to all of the above which is that the dead male would get 72 white raisins upon his ascent into heaven (no, I am not making that up either). Somehow, the white raisins seem less inspiring for a soldier of Islam. I mean, on the one hand – virgins (even kind of creepy, HUGE ones), and on the other – raisins. Which would YOU die for?
This all reminds me of a joke I heard which you also probably know.
The jihadist is killed in combat and ascends expectantly to heaven. He enters the pearly gates (or whatever they are in Islamic mythology) and is immediately confronted by George Washington who kicks him in the teeth, knocking him to the ground. His face bloodied, he looks up in bewilderment only to see Thomas Jefferson coming up from behind. Jefferson kicks him in the nuts. Then Robert E. Lee appears, and he stomps the fallen jihadist in the stomach several times. The jihadist is perplexed and cries out in anguish, "Why?"
To which Washington replies, "It was Virginians, you fool, not virgins! Hey, Ella (Fitzgerald), do you want to have go at him too?"
- - - - - - - - - -
* I looked this up separately, and apparently it means that the virgins will all be of an age. Sorry about the distraction.
I am an equal opportunity offender.
The doctrines of any religion reveal a lot about its inner sexual psychology. The celibacy and exclusion of women in the Catholic Church's priesthood cannot help but attract a "certain kind" of man. We have seen a lot of what those "certain kinds" of men have been doing in their positions of late.
The doctrine of fundamentalist Islam also reveals a lot about believers' psychology. Haven't you ever wondered about the 72 virgins that jihadist martyrs are supposed to get when they ascend to heaven (actually it is any male believer)?
There are so many unanswered questions!
Where do these virgins come from?
What do they look like?
Why is it so important that they be virgin; wouldn't a more experienced... um... heavenly hostess have an enhanced appeal?
In the interest of edification, I have done some research into this topic and can present to you the definitive answer to these questions.
All of the answers come directly from Qur'anic or related sources.
First of all, I am sure you are curious about what these virgins look like!
Since women in many Muslim countries are required to cover themselves to the point that they look indistinguishable from moving yard-waste bags, one cannot help but wonder what imaginations Muslim men must have about paradise (yes, it is all men).
The virgins will have "wide and lovely eyes like pearls". Of course, most pearls I have seen don't make such great looking eyes, but – hey – whatever floats your boat, right?
Not only that, the virgins will be "hairless except the eye brows and the head". This makes me wonder if waxing is popular in Muslim countries! If not, there's a good business opportunity for you there.
The virgins will be "voluptuous" with "large, round breasts which are not inclined to hang". (see picture from Islamic website). The virgins will be "beautiful" (of course), "white skinned" (starting to see a prejudice here...), "eternally young", and – somewhat mysteriously – "companions of equal age". Equal age to whom? The dead guy? What if he was 90?*
But wait, there's more!
The virgins will be "transparent to the marrow of their bones". This may mean that all you could see is the marrow of their bones, or that you cannot see the virgins at all; neither of which ties in well with "beautiful".
They will also be quite large (no, I am not making this up). They will stand 27.5 meters tall (60 cubits) and will be 3.2 meters (7 cubits) in width. This is getting into nightmare territory for me, but we should respect their religious beliefs, right?
What about their all-important sexual attributes?
Well, obviously they are virgins, but not only that, they remain virgins even AFTER sex with the guy that gets them! Yes, their hymens are "unbroken by sexual intercourse", kind of like a self-sealing fuel tank on a fighter jet.
Born again virgins! How cool is that?
Clearly the unbroken hymen is the definition of "virgin" in the Muslim world. If a woman has sex repeatedly but still manages to preserve the hymen, no problem! Do they then "service" the next group of ascending men? Maybe there are ONLY 72 "virgins"!
The virgins will also have "appetizing vaginas" (no, I am really not making this up). Yum yum!
But – hey – it cannot be all about sex; get real! No, these virgins have personalities! We cannot just think of them as sex objects; where HAVE you been?
What about their personalities? The Qur'an reveals that despite their lusty appearance and eagerness for sex, they are "chaste" and "restrain their glances" and when they do look at you, they have a "modest gaze".
They also are "pure". I am not sure what "pure" means when describing a virgin who has repeated sex with someone, but who am I to judge, right?
The virgins also do not menstruate (maybe they are guys?). They do not pee, nor do they poop (this could lead to serious health problems later on). AND they will never bear a child (sounds like a guy to me).
Finally, the virgins are never dissatisfied. So no matter how inadequate you may feel here in this life – you pathetic weeny with major sexual insecurities, you – the virgins will fluff you up to feel better about yourself!
My feeling is that instead of the drones dropping bombs on the benighted Taliban in Pakistan and Afghanistan, they should drop information about the virgins.
"DO YOU WANT THIS?!" with a picture of a huge, transparent being with only bone marrow showing. It would cut the jihad off at the knees.
Of course there is the alternative translation to all of the above which is that the dead male would get 72 white raisins upon his ascent into heaven (no, I am not making that up either). Somehow, the white raisins seem less inspiring for a soldier of Islam. I mean, on the one hand – virgins (even kind of creepy, HUGE ones), and on the other – raisins. Which would YOU die for?
This all reminds me of a joke I heard which you also probably know.
The jihadist is killed in combat and ascends expectantly to heaven. He enters the pearly gates (or whatever they are in Islamic mythology) and is immediately confronted by George Washington who kicks him in the teeth, knocking him to the ground. His face bloodied, he looks up in bewilderment only to see Thomas Jefferson coming up from behind. Jefferson kicks him in the nuts. Then Robert E. Lee appears, and he stomps the fallen jihadist in the stomach several times. The jihadist is perplexed and cries out in anguish, "Why?"
To which Washington replies, "It was Virginians, you fool, not virgins! Hey, Ella (Fitzgerald), do you want to have go at him too?"
- - - - - - - - - -
* I looked this up separately, and apparently it means that the virgins will all be of an age. Sorry about the distraction.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Breaking News!
Pope to Become Ayatollah
(Feb. 18) Rueters — In a stunning development, recently retired Pope Benedict XVI has indicated that he will move to Iran after being offered a job as an Ayatollah in the Muslim clergy there. A spokesman for the former Pope described the move as one he had been considering for several years.Faced with growing demands for the inclusion of more women, and other liberalizing trends in the Roman Church, the Pope was described as feeling "a more common mission with the Mullahs in Iran", according to a spokesman for the former Catholic leader. When asked about the Pontiff's physical and mental health, the spokesman claimed that the planned move to Iran has given him "a new lease on life".
Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation from his post as the leader of the Roman Catholic church only a week ago, predicting that his departure would have no ill effect on the Church. He was the first Pope to retire in 600 years.
In recent years, the Vatican has been plagued with problems of priestly pedophilia and increasing pressures from within the female community to bring more women into decision-making roles. His firm stance against birth control has alienated many in the United States where a large majority of Catholic women have used artificial birth control in direct defiance of their religion's teachings. These problems — along with internal political disorder revealed by his butler — has made the Pope look weak and indecisive, unable to cope with a world changing around him.
The same spokesman stated that the retired Pope was looking forward to taking up his new responsibilities in Iran, insisting that the former Pontiff was "eager to implement religious doctrine as it should be implemented, not worrying about what everyone around him was thinking". Being able to issue "fatwas" without needing doctrinal support was also said to be one of the attractions for the former Vicar of Christ's move. His spokesman quoted him as saying that the first fatwa he would issue would be "against the use of birth control in the Muslim faith".
When asked about Benedict XVI's adjustment to the Muslim faith itself, the spokesman claimed that he "effortlessly made the transition from Hitler Youth to the Papacy, so the move to Iran will pose no special problems". He also stated that the Pope had not been looking forward to retiring to the convent as originally planned, saying the Pontiff felt that it might be seen as "less than manly" to live in a convent. The reduced amount of mixing with the public and relaxed travel schedule of an Ayatollah was also said to have been one of the appeals of the transition.
Spokesmen for Ayatollah Khamenei, the current religious leader of Iran, said that they welcomed the Pope into their midst and looked forward to working with him in the years ahead. They were delighted that someone of his stature would convert to the Muslim faith. When asked if there would be any difficulties for the new member of their elite community, a spokesman said that since the Pope was a child of Hitler's Germany and probably not circumcised as a result, that procedure would be the first test of his new devotion.
In response to queries from the media about whether masses of Catholic faithful might follow their former leader into Islam, no spokesperson from the Vatican was available for comment.
Monday, December 24, 2012
The Sherpas Miss Out on Christmas
To many of us, the Christmas story is nostalgic, bringing back memories of Christmases past. For some, however, the story may be new. In keeping with my Christmas messages of past years where we peeked in on Mary and Joseph and last year when we witnessed the miracle of the Wisemen, this year too, I would like to bring part of the Christmas story to life.
What does the Bible say happened after the birth of Jesus?
It says that shepherds were in their fields watching over their flocks by night when an angel appeared to them and scared them with his brilliance. The angel said, "Don't be afraid, guys! I bring good news to you and all the people, for this day in Bethlehem, Christ the Lord is born. If you go there you will find him wrapped in a humble wrap and lying in a manger." And then suddenly the sky was full of angels all singing heavenly praises (forgive my loose rendition*)!
Didn't you ever wonder about this story?
I did.
Why would an angel go out in the dark to a bunch of mangy shepherds, dragging along a whole choir of other angels, and put on this performance for them?
There is an explanation.
It was a mistake.
The angel – let's choose an angelic name for him, how about Ralph – was sent out on a mission from God. Unfortunately he spent the afternoon before the mission with some of the other angels who were to accompany him. They were drinking at a "get ready to go to Earth" party where they consumed large amounts of heavenly elixir – let's call it "vodka". When they finally set off on the mission, they were pretty well tanked.
Let's pick up the scenario upon their return.
The video I have opens with Ralph and the other angels in the locker room, getting ready to shower and taking off their wings and uniforms.
(You didn't think they dress like that ALL the time did you? You DID, didn't you! LOL!)
Ralph: Wow! That went way better than I thought! Hey! High fives all around, guys! That was super!
Other Angels: Yeah! (high fiving all around, and some of the angels snap towels at Ralph's butt.)
Assistant Angel-Coach (poking his head into the locker room): Hey... uh... Ralph? The Boss wants to see you.
Ralph (winking at the other angels): Don't worry guys, if I get promoted or am awarded a better spot by the pool, you can count on me to put in a good word for you too! (he snaps his towel at another angel's butt on his way out the door)
(he struts out into the hall and makes the trek to God's office)
Ralph (knocking): Sir? It's Ralph... you wanted to see me?
God (sitting at his desk, looking down, his left hand holding his glasses loosely and his right index finger and thumb pressing the bridge of his nose; he speaks quietly) Come in and sit down, Ralph.
(Ralph starts feeling a little nervous but sits down)
God (looking up with a painful look): Ralph? How did your mission go on Earth... announcing the birth of Christ the Lord. my son?
Ralph (brightening): It went great! I made the first appearance all by myself so as not to scare them too much. I kept the dimmers on the whole time. And later right on cue, the rest of the team came on to sing a lot of heavenly praises to you! We really lit up the sky! Some kind of major fireworks, I tell you! Those dimmers are cool; we turned them up big time. Quite a performance I would say.
God (shaking his head pathetically): And Ralph... who exactly did you put on this spectacular, once in a millennium performance for?
Ralph: The shepherds, of course...
God: And why, Ralph.... WHY did you feel it was important to go out into a remote field and put on this fantastic show for... (flipping the pages on his clipboard and checking) five shepherds?
Ralph: Um... that's what we were told to do? ... The Assistant Coach came to us yesterday morning and told us to put on this show for the shepherds and announce the birth of the newborn King.
God (shouting): NOT SHEPHERDS YOU MORON!!! SHERIFFS!!
(quickly calming and speaking very quietly) Ralph?
Ralph (suddenly much paler, all the blood having drained to his feet): Yes, sir?
God (quietly again): What we wanted was publicity. The whole idea was to get the message out to people who count, people who had the authority to spread the word and be trusted or at least believed. They were to spread the word. Do shepherds sound like such a group to you?
Ralph: Well... um... I guess not.
God (speaking as if to someone with serious intellectual limitations): That's right, Ralph.
Shepherds are completely useless in that effort.
They spend their days tending sheep, usually alone. They have no authority over anyone. They don't even congregate amongst themselves in large numbers....
Ralph: I see...
God: Now, Ralph? Can you think of anyone who might be better at spreading the word? People with authority given to them by their ruler? People with power and local connections in their communities? The name begins with "sh...."
Ralph: Um... sheriffs?
God: That's right, Ralph. Very good. You mucked things up, you know. So I am demoting you. You no longer have bar privileges pool-side, and you have to share an apartment from now on. (checking the roster) I am assigning Bubba as your roommate.
Ralph: Bubba?!! Oh my God!
God: Yes?
Ralph: Nothing...
God: That will be all, Ralph. (Ralph leaves)
At least he didn't go to the Sherpas.... Who knows that they would have done. What a moron. Why do I get all these dumb angels...
I need a vacation... badly....
I wish all of you a lovely holiday season and a happy and healthy New Year in 2017. I will be back after the New Year when I recover from the parties.
- - - - - - - - - -
* (the actual story)
Luke 2
8 And there were shepherds in the same country abiding in the field, and keeping watch by night over their flock. 9 And an angel of the Lord stood by them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. 10 And the angel said unto them, Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be to all the people: 11 for there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this is the sign unto you: Ye shall find a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, and lying in a manger. 13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
14 Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men in whom he is well pleased.
15 And it came to pass, when the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing that is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. 16 And they came with haste, and found both Mary and Joseph, and the babe lying in the manger. 17 And when they saw it, they made known concerning the saying which was spoken to them about this child. 18 And all that heard it wondered at the things which were spoken unto them by the shepherds. 19 But Mary kept all these sayings, pondering them in her heart. 20 And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, even as it was spoken unto them.
What does the Bible say happened after the birth of Jesus?
It says that shepherds were in their fields watching over their flocks by night when an angel appeared to them and scared them with his brilliance. The angel said, "Don't be afraid, guys! I bring good news to you and all the people, for this day in Bethlehem, Christ the Lord is born. If you go there you will find him wrapped in a humble wrap and lying in a manger." And then suddenly the sky was full of angels all singing heavenly praises (forgive my loose rendition*)!
Didn't you ever wonder about this story?
I did.
Why would an angel go out in the dark to a bunch of mangy shepherds, dragging along a whole choir of other angels, and put on this performance for them?
There is an explanation.
It was a mistake.
The angel – let's choose an angelic name for him, how about Ralph – was sent out on a mission from God. Unfortunately he spent the afternoon before the mission with some of the other angels who were to accompany him. They were drinking at a "get ready to go to Earth" party where they consumed large amounts of heavenly elixir – let's call it "vodka". When they finally set off on the mission, they were pretty well tanked.
Let's pick up the scenario upon their return.
The video I have opens with Ralph and the other angels in the locker room, getting ready to shower and taking off their wings and uniforms.
(You didn't think they dress like that ALL the time did you? You DID, didn't you! LOL!)
Ralph: Wow! That went way better than I thought! Hey! High fives all around, guys! That was super!
Other Angels: Yeah! (high fiving all around, and some of the angels snap towels at Ralph's butt.)
Assistant Angel-Coach (poking his head into the locker room): Hey... uh... Ralph? The Boss wants to see you.
Ralph (winking at the other angels): Don't worry guys, if I get promoted or am awarded a better spot by the pool, you can count on me to put in a good word for you too! (he snaps his towel at another angel's butt on his way out the door)
(he struts out into the hall and makes the trek to God's office)
Ralph (knocking): Sir? It's Ralph... you wanted to see me?
God (sitting at his desk, looking down, his left hand holding his glasses loosely and his right index finger and thumb pressing the bridge of his nose; he speaks quietly) Come in and sit down, Ralph.
(Ralph starts feeling a little nervous but sits down)
God (looking up with a painful look): Ralph? How did your mission go on Earth... announcing the birth of Christ the Lord. my son?
Ralph (brightening): It went great! I made the first appearance all by myself so as not to scare them too much. I kept the dimmers on the whole time. And later right on cue, the rest of the team came on to sing a lot of heavenly praises to you! We really lit up the sky! Some kind of major fireworks, I tell you! Those dimmers are cool; we turned them up big time. Quite a performance I would say.
God (shaking his head pathetically): And Ralph... who exactly did you put on this spectacular, once in a millennium performance for?
Ralph: The shepherds, of course...
God: And why, Ralph.... WHY did you feel it was important to go out into a remote field and put on this fantastic show for... (flipping the pages on his clipboard and checking) five shepherds?
Ralph: Um... that's what we were told to do? ... The Assistant Coach came to us yesterday morning and told us to put on this show for the shepherds and announce the birth of the newborn King.
God (shouting): NOT SHEPHERDS YOU MORON!!! SHERIFFS!!
(quickly calming and speaking very quietly) Ralph?
Ralph (suddenly much paler, all the blood having drained to his feet): Yes, sir?
God (quietly again): What we wanted was publicity. The whole idea was to get the message out to people who count, people who had the authority to spread the word and be trusted or at least believed. They were to spread the word. Do shepherds sound like such a group to you?
Ralph: Well... um... I guess not.
God (speaking as if to someone with serious intellectual limitations): That's right, Ralph.
Shepherds are completely useless in that effort.
They spend their days tending sheep, usually alone. They have no authority over anyone. They don't even congregate amongst themselves in large numbers....
Ralph: I see...
God: Now, Ralph? Can you think of anyone who might be better at spreading the word? People with authority given to them by their ruler? People with power and local connections in their communities? The name begins with "sh...."
Ralph: Um... sheriffs?
God: That's right, Ralph. Very good. You mucked things up, you know. So I am demoting you. You no longer have bar privileges pool-side, and you have to share an apartment from now on. (checking the roster) I am assigning Bubba as your roommate.
Ralph: Bubba?!! Oh my God!
God: Yes?
Ralph: Nothing...
God: That will be all, Ralph. (Ralph leaves)
At least he didn't go to the Sherpas.... Who knows that they would have done. What a moron. Why do I get all these dumb angels...
I need a vacation... badly....
I wish all of you a lovely holiday season and a happy and healthy New Year in 2017. I will be back after the New Year when I recover from the parties.
- - - - - - - - - -
* (the actual story)
Luke 2
8 And there were shepherds in the same country abiding in the field, and keeping watch by night over their flock. 9 And an angel of the Lord stood by them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. 10 And the angel said unto them, Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be to all the people: 11 for there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this is the sign unto you: Ye shall find a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, and lying in a manger. 13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
14 Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men in whom he is well pleased.
15 And it came to pass, when the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing that is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. 16 And they came with haste, and found both Mary and Joseph, and the babe lying in the manger. 17 And when they saw it, they made known concerning the saying which was spoken to them about this child. 18 And all that heard it wondered at the things which were spoken unto them by the shepherds. 19 But Mary kept all these sayings, pondering them in her heart. 20 And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, even as it was spoken unto them.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Post-Apocalypse Destinations
My friends are so alert.
They reminded me that with the end of the world coming on my birthday in just a very few days, we all need to be thinking about making our post-apocalypse destination plans, our after-life arrangements.
In the Western tradition, these have been divided into two major ports of call, Heaven and Hell, with some people having a difficult and lengthy layover in Purgatory (think LAX).
What I want to do today is re-evaluate the two major resorts and help you to make your decision about where you would like to go. Remember, there isn't much time left, so you need to go ahead and make your reservations now.
And don't be prejudiced by your up-bringing.
Frankly, most of us have a really distorted view of what Heaven and Hell are like. Traditionally, we have been told that Heaven is definitely the preferred destination while Hell is a place where we will suffer for eternity. We even say that some Earthly destinations – like that hotel I visited in Lahore – are "hell holes".
Many Westerners have a vague notion that people who go to heaven get to dress up with wings and drapey white suits, play harps and generally have a good time, hanging out with the Big Cheese. Cherubims and Seraphims flit about, shooting the residents with their arrows so that they fall in love and get... no... wait... I am terribly sorry... those might be cupids and have nothing to do with Heaven. Oddly, you cannot find many images of Heaven on the Internet, but there are "descriptions" which are obviously bogus.
Hell on the other hand is fairly well-known and described in concrete detail. Images abound. Hell is where all of you bad people go: the murderers, the thieves, the people who don't separate their garbage. You burn there and get pitchforked around by demons.
Which brings me to the question about that traditional view; what exactly are demons? Are they the ones who are WORSE than you, so they get the elevated status of being the pitchforkers rather than pitchforkees? Or do YOU get to be a demon (AC in your room, free pitchforks), because you only told a lie (not a 'red card' violation in the Ten Commandments) whereas THEY did something much worse, like... said, "OMG!" (taking the lord's name in vain)?
Joking aside, I need to assure you that all of that is totally inaccurate, based as it is on what people perceive as the conditions for admission: you need to be "good" to go to Heaven, leaving the "bad" people to go to Hell. The bad PR for Hell is just so much nonsense. Even theologically it doesn't hold water, since it relies on the idea that the CEO of Hell, the Devil, would be willing to do the bidding of the CEO of Heaven, God. After all, wasn't the split in the destination monopoly precisely BECAUSE Satan would not go along with God's agenda?
Right.
We all need to get on the same page here.
First, you need to understand that both of these images are very antique. God and Satan are in competition for your after-life soul, so you need to check out both venues and make them come up with good bargains for you to choose between. To get you started, I did a quick search and this is what I arrived at.
Heaven Resort
When you enter your lavish suite in a hotel at Heaven Resort, you will be overwhelmed by the stunning view from your personal lanai, the white sandy beaches and the whole bay and distant mountains at your feet. But that is only a start. The complimentary champagne and tropical fruit basket (all organic) will provide the perfect romantic atmosphere for you and your 'special other' to kick back and enjoy the rest of eternity. Need a change of linen and towels? No worries in Heaven! Changes occur on a daily basis AND you can be sure that we follow the most stringent environmental regulations for washing them. Gather later during happy hour in the lobby and join with your fellow hotel guests, socializing and watching sports on the big screen monitors, as well as the free hors d'oeuvres (lactose and gluten intolerant friendly) and our fine wine selections from everywhere. The bars and pubs are open 24/7, but of course, non-alcoholic beverages are also available. Single? Heaven Resort specializes in single hospitality. Cherubims and Seraphims abound, so – who knows – they might shoot you with one of their arrows and help you to find that special person to share eternity with. Heaven Resort is also now LGBT friendly.
We look forward to serving you here at the Heaven Resort.
Check with your travel agent for details.
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Heaven Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Heaven Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.god.love Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Heaven Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Heaven Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Heaven Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
Then we have the brochure from Hell (that sounds bad, doesn't it.... see?... prejudice!)
Hell Resort
Entering your room, you look out the window and see a spectacular view. You also notice the remote control lying on your carefully made bed (complementary chocolates are places under your pillow everyday). You pick up the remote in wonder, and pressing a button, realize you can change your whole view (and world) from a wide assortment of popular venues!
Did you and your partner spend a romantic week on the beach in Maui? Click.
Did you meet that special person in the cathedral at York? Click.
Did you wish you had talked to that person on the train in Rome? Click.
Yes, the whole world is there at your fingertips. And don't worry that your ski wear will be out of place in the restaurants when everyone else decided on a Hawaii vacation. Clicking the remote button means you interact ONLY with those who have the same vacation destination in mind.
Free wine tastings in the lobby are just the beginning. We also provide the very best cuisine in each of our restaurants around the plaza (we accommodate any religious dietary requirements); they operate on a 24/7 basis for all eternity. For the kids there are also pizza shops and activities around the pool everyday (check with the manager for details). We look forward to serving you here at the Hell Resort!
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Hell Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Hell Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.bad.hell Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Hell Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Hell Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Hell Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
So there you have it. I know you are wondering which resort I am choosing, so let me tell you. I am going to the Lux-Lucifer Hotel on Hot Beach, and (here's an insider tip) I know that there are three suites left on the ocean-view side (these have the best remote controls).
You only have a few days left; better make your reservations for eternity now!
They reminded me that with the end of the world coming on my birthday in just a very few days, we all need to be thinking about making our post-apocalypse destination plans, our after-life arrangements.
In the Western tradition, these have been divided into two major ports of call, Heaven and Hell, with some people having a difficult and lengthy layover in Purgatory (think LAX).
What I want to do today is re-evaluate the two major resorts and help you to make your decision about where you would like to go. Remember, there isn't much time left, so you need to go ahead and make your reservations now.
And don't be prejudiced by your up-bringing.
Frankly, most of us have a really distorted view of what Heaven and Hell are like. Traditionally, we have been told that Heaven is definitely the preferred destination while Hell is a place where we will suffer for eternity. We even say that some Earthly destinations – like that hotel I visited in Lahore – are "hell holes".
Many Westerners have a vague notion that people who go to heaven get to dress up with wings and drapey white suits, play harps and generally have a good time, hanging out with the Big Cheese. Cherubims and Seraphims flit about, shooting the residents with their arrows so that they fall in love and get... no... wait... I am terribly sorry... those might be cupids and have nothing to do with Heaven. Oddly, you cannot find many images of Heaven on the Internet, but there are "descriptions" which are obviously bogus.
Hell on the other hand is fairly well-known and described in concrete detail. Images abound. Hell is where all of you bad people go: the murderers, the thieves, the people who don't separate their garbage. You burn there and get pitchforked around by demons.
Which brings me to the question about that traditional view; what exactly are demons? Are they the ones who are WORSE than you, so they get the elevated status of being the pitchforkers rather than pitchforkees? Or do YOU get to be a demon (AC in your room, free pitchforks), because you only told a lie (not a 'red card' violation in the Ten Commandments) whereas THEY did something much worse, like... said, "OMG!" (taking the lord's name in vain)?
Joking aside, I need to assure you that all of that is totally inaccurate, based as it is on what people perceive as the conditions for admission: you need to be "good" to go to Heaven, leaving the "bad" people to go to Hell. The bad PR for Hell is just so much nonsense. Even theologically it doesn't hold water, since it relies on the idea that the CEO of Hell, the Devil, would be willing to do the bidding of the CEO of Heaven, God. After all, wasn't the split in the destination monopoly precisely BECAUSE Satan would not go along with God's agenda?
Right.
We all need to get on the same page here.
First, you need to understand that both of these images are very antique. God and Satan are in competition for your after-life soul, so you need to check out both venues and make them come up with good bargains for you to choose between. To get you started, I did a quick search and this is what I arrived at.
Heaven Resort
When you enter your lavish suite in a hotel at Heaven Resort, you will be overwhelmed by the stunning view from your personal lanai, the white sandy beaches and the whole bay and distant mountains at your feet. But that is only a start. The complimentary champagne and tropical fruit basket (all organic) will provide the perfect romantic atmosphere for you and your 'special other' to kick back and enjoy the rest of eternity. Need a change of linen and towels? No worries in Heaven! Changes occur on a daily basis AND you can be sure that we follow the most stringent environmental regulations for washing them. Gather later during happy hour in the lobby and join with your fellow hotel guests, socializing and watching sports on the big screen monitors, as well as the free hors d'oeuvres (lactose and gluten intolerant friendly) and our fine wine selections from everywhere. The bars and pubs are open 24/7, but of course, non-alcoholic beverages are also available. Single? Heaven Resort specializes in single hospitality. Cherubims and Seraphims abound, so – who knows – they might shoot you with one of their arrows and help you to find that special person to share eternity with. Heaven Resort is also now LGBT friendly.
We look forward to serving you here at the Heaven Resort.
Check with your travel agent for details.
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Heaven Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Heaven Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.god.love Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Heaven Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Heaven Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Heaven Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
Then we have the brochure from Hell (that sounds bad, doesn't it.... see?... prejudice!)
Hell Resort
Entering your room, you look out the window and see a spectacular view. You also notice the remote control lying on your carefully made bed (complementary chocolates are places under your pillow everyday). You pick up the remote in wonder, and pressing a button, realize you can change your whole view (and world) from a wide assortment of popular venues!
Did you and your partner spend a romantic week on the beach in Maui? Click.
Did you meet that special person in the cathedral at York? Click.
Did you wish you had talked to that person on the train in Rome? Click.
Yes, the whole world is there at your fingertips. And don't worry that your ski wear will be out of place in the restaurants when everyone else decided on a Hawaii vacation. Clicking the remote button means you interact ONLY with those who have the same vacation destination in mind.
Free wine tastings in the lobby are just the beginning. We also provide the very best cuisine in each of our restaurants around the plaza (we accommodate any religious dietary requirements); they operate on a 24/7 basis for all eternity. For the kids there are also pizza shops and activities around the pool everyday (check with the manager for details). We look forward to serving you here at the Hell Resort!
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Hell Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Hell Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.bad.hell Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Hell Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Hell Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Hell Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
So there you have it. I know you are wondering which resort I am choosing, so let me tell you. I am going to the Lux-Lucifer Hotel on Hot Beach, and (here's an insider tip) I know that there are three suites left on the ocean-view side (these have the best remote controls).
You only have a few days left; better make your reservations for eternity now!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Families of Biblical Proportion
I want to extend to all you Earthlings a special greeting on the founding of your planet. According to the best researched creationist "science", October 22 at 6 AM (GMT) in the year 4004 BC, the world was created in all its glory. So, Happy Birthday Earth! For being only 6016 years old, you don't look a day over 5000!
. . . . . . . . . .
And, while we are on the topic of the Bible (where, for you laypeople, the creationist theory comes from), I would like to say that an old friend told me that I should read the Bible more! So, I did. And this is what I stumbled upon.
. . . . . . . . . .
We are all delighted to know that the CEO of the Chick-Fil-A restaurant chain supports "Biblical families." Naturally, when a civic and business leader such as Dan Cathy speaks out, simple laypeople such as myself have to find out what he is talking about, so that we too can come to an understanding of what Biblical "family values" he is promoting.
Take Abraham, for example. He is a central figure in the Bible. What were his family values like?
First of all, Abraham makes his wife, Sarai, tell a lie, claiming she is his sister, so that when the Pharaoh takes her into his harem he won't kill Abraham as a side effect (she was really hot). The Pharaoh discovers the lie, however, and gives her back and sends the two of them on their way. (Genesis 12) – no punishment from God. In other words, it's OK to prostitute out your wife if you are afraid of the consequences of not doing so.
But that's not all.
In Genesis 16, Abraham "goes into" Hagar, his wife's maid, and she conceived. Sarai was not pleased and expelled the maid from the house.
I bet you are thinking, "Naughty, naughty Abraham", aren't you?
Don't be silly!
This is one of those Biblical "family values" the restaurant CEO is supporting!
Of course, Abraham was not the only one.
In Genesis 19, Lot's daughters conspired to "lie with" their father in the cave where they had escaped to. They got him drunk the first night and the older daughter "lay with" him, and then the second night, they got him drunk again and the younger daughter "lay with" him.
Both conceived from this "laying".
Right!
Any man on the planet will tell you that if you are so drunk you don't have ANY idea who is "laying" with you (especially if she is your daughter), you are also "laying-impaired", if you get my drift.
This story shows more Biblical family values that provide important guidelines for us to take home and ponder in our hearts.
Apparently, Abraham was not the only one with a "maid-thing". In Genesis 29, Jacob (another prominent Biblical icon) is deceived by his father-in-law Laban. Wanting Laban's daughter Rachel, he agrees to marry her and "goes into her" on their wedding night. But the morning after, he discovers it is not Rachel at all, but her sister, Leah!
How bad is THAT?! He "went into her" and all but didn't know it was somebody else. The Biblical figures obviously were vision impaired at key moments.
Complaining to his father-in-law about the deception, Laban asks that Jacob continue his efforts with Leah for one week, after which Laban will give him Rachel too. But alas, Rachel was barren, so she told Jacob (lucky guy) to "go into" her maid, Bilhah, who later bore him a son.
Leah – not to be outdone by her sister, Rachel – decided to step up to the plate in the competition and invited Jacob to "go into" HER maid, Zilpah, as well.
The lesson in Biblical family values we can learn here is that hiring a maid is an important first step towards true holiness. You need to go to your wife and say, "Hi Honey! You know, I was just thinking that you work too hard around the house here. Why don't we hire a maid?!" I am sure, supporting Biblical values as you do, your wife will be delighted and even touched by your considerate approach.
Or how about the story of Judah and Tamar, his daughter-in-law, in Genesis 38. Judah insisted that Tamar remain a widow after her husband was killed (by God). But Tamar took off her widow's garments and covered her face with a veil. Apparently this was enough to convince her father-in-law that she was a "harlot", and he had no alternative but to "go into her" in exchange for a "kid from his flock" and his "signet, bracelets and staff".
Naturally, she conceived as a result.
This case and Lot's case above clearly show that for men, being easily deceived is a key Biblical value. There is nothing like a veil to make it impossible to tell who someone is. Getting drunk is also a good excuse.
The Bible provides us with other important social information about values as well. In Deuteronomy 21, for example, the Israelites are advised that if they have two wives who each bear a son, husbands should not favor the son of the second-born even if they hate the wife who gave birth to the first-born.
The moral here is that having two wives is OK, but don't take out your hostilities towards one of them on the children they bear you.
It truly is a vital and personally meaningful exercise to find out what the Biblical values are in "Biblical families". Reading these passages makes me realize just how un-Biblical I have been! I need to reform my ways and get right with God! The maid thing sounds like a good place to begin.
. . . . . . . . . .
And, while we are on the topic of the Bible (where, for you laypeople, the creationist theory comes from), I would like to say that an old friend told me that I should read the Bible more! So, I did. And this is what I stumbled upon.
. . . . . . . . . .
We are all delighted to know that the CEO of the Chick-Fil-A restaurant chain supports "Biblical families." Naturally, when a civic and business leader such as Dan Cathy speaks out, simple laypeople such as myself have to find out what he is talking about, so that we too can come to an understanding of what Biblical "family values" he is promoting.
Take Abraham, for example. He is a central figure in the Bible. What were his family values like?
First of all, Abraham makes his wife, Sarai, tell a lie, claiming she is his sister, so that when the Pharaoh takes her into his harem he won't kill Abraham as a side effect (she was really hot). The Pharaoh discovers the lie, however, and gives her back and sends the two of them on their way. (Genesis 12) – no punishment from God. In other words, it's OK to prostitute out your wife if you are afraid of the consequences of not doing so.
But that's not all.
In Genesis 16, Abraham "goes into" Hagar, his wife's maid, and she conceived. Sarai was not pleased and expelled the maid from the house.
I bet you are thinking, "Naughty, naughty Abraham", aren't you?
Don't be silly!
This is one of those Biblical "family values" the restaurant CEO is supporting!
Of course, Abraham was not the only one.
In Genesis 19, Lot's daughters conspired to "lie with" their father in the cave where they had escaped to. They got him drunk the first night and the older daughter "lay with" him, and then the second night, they got him drunk again and the younger daughter "lay with" him.
Both conceived from this "laying".
Right!
Any man on the planet will tell you that if you are so drunk you don't have ANY idea who is "laying" with you (especially if she is your daughter), you are also "laying-impaired", if you get my drift.
This story shows more Biblical family values that provide important guidelines for us to take home and ponder in our hearts.
Apparently, Abraham was not the only one with a "maid-thing". In Genesis 29, Jacob (another prominent Biblical icon) is deceived by his father-in-law Laban. Wanting Laban's daughter Rachel, he agrees to marry her and "goes into her" on their wedding night. But the morning after, he discovers it is not Rachel at all, but her sister, Leah!
How bad is THAT?! He "went into her" and all but didn't know it was somebody else. The Biblical figures obviously were vision impaired at key moments.
Complaining to his father-in-law about the deception, Laban asks that Jacob continue his efforts with Leah for one week, after which Laban will give him Rachel too. But alas, Rachel was barren, so she told Jacob (lucky guy) to "go into" her maid, Bilhah, who later bore him a son.
Leah – not to be outdone by her sister, Rachel – decided to step up to the plate in the competition and invited Jacob to "go into" HER maid, Zilpah, as well.
The lesson in Biblical family values we can learn here is that hiring a maid is an important first step towards true holiness. You need to go to your wife and say, "Hi Honey! You know, I was just thinking that you work too hard around the house here. Why don't we hire a maid?!" I am sure, supporting Biblical values as you do, your wife will be delighted and even touched by your considerate approach.
Or how about the story of Judah and Tamar, his daughter-in-law, in Genesis 38. Judah insisted that Tamar remain a widow after her husband was killed (by God). But Tamar took off her widow's garments and covered her face with a veil. Apparently this was enough to convince her father-in-law that she was a "harlot", and he had no alternative but to "go into her" in exchange for a "kid from his flock" and his "signet, bracelets and staff".
Naturally, she conceived as a result.
This case and Lot's case above clearly show that for men, being easily deceived is a key Biblical value. There is nothing like a veil to make it impossible to tell who someone is. Getting drunk is also a good excuse.
The Bible provides us with other important social information about values as well. In Deuteronomy 21, for example, the Israelites are advised that if they have two wives who each bear a son, husbands should not favor the son of the second-born even if they hate the wife who gave birth to the first-born.
The moral here is that having two wives is OK, but don't take out your hostilities towards one of them on the children they bear you.
It truly is a vital and personally meaningful exercise to find out what the Biblical values are in "Biblical families". Reading these passages makes me realize just how un-Biblical I have been! I need to reform my ways and get right with God! The maid thing sounds like a good place to begin.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Let's Get It On... er... With God?
I am sure you have seen the ads for FINDING YOUR CHRISTIAN SOUL MATE ON THE INTERNET! I saw one just today. A young couple – both of whom who could cut back on going to church (if you get my drift) – were going on and on about finding each other.
I apologize for shouting above, but this is big news. There actually is a website where you can do "Christian dating". Their slogan? "Find God's choice for you!"
No more Craigslist, no more personal ads on datehookup, you don't need to post your personal ad on the cork board in the supermarket or put an ad in your local free paper anymore.
No, it's wide open now. You can make requests!
You can find a person who has the same religious orientation as you. What could be more cool?
Are you a loser without friends because you cling to Jesus and creationism? Do your colleagues at work make fun of you because you think the world is only 6000 years old? Are you really fat from spending too much time in a pew?
DO NOT WORRY!
God has chosen someone out there for you! Log on to christianmingle dot com and find the love of your life. Hopefully you won't get two or three possibilities, because then you will have to go through the awful spectacle that the Republican Presidential candidates did even though they were all chosen by God.
So... I wondered... is there an "islammingle.com".?
No, dating site, but if you want to get married, you can find your future spouse here!
Don't expect too much from the photo gallery of women, however. Pick your spouse from among the burqa covered figures.
Muslim Man: I can't tell what you look like; are you hot?
Muslim Woman: Are you kidding me? I am suffocating in here... of COURSE I am hot....
How about Hindus and "hindumingle.com"?
Yes! Wouldn't you just KNOW it? There is a site: for Hindu believers.
Woman: We have so many gods to pay our allegiance to ... but we also invented the kama sutra and tantra sex. OMG... we can really get it on, can't we? Please call (206)359-xxxx or email me at kamasutra-maybe@gmail.com. Don't be from Delhi, I really hate guys from Delhi.
So... how about Buddhists? We don't automatically think of them as being heavy into dating, but let's have a look.
Yep! There is a site: buddha dating. It looks a little "home made" to me, so if you are a Buddhist single, you might want to exercise some caution when signing on to this site. A lot of the other people there might not actually be Buddhists. They might be – like – something else... perverts, for example. Just saying.
Mitt Romney was just nominated as the Republican party's candidate for President of the United States. Why they wanted to do that, I have no clue, BUT... Romney is a Mormon.
What if YOU are a Mormon, is there a site out there for you to find your one true love?
Let's have a look.
Oh yes... there most definitely IS! All you Mormons are in LUCK, seriously. They don't call themselves Mormons but rather Latter Day Saints... LDS... sounds like a learning disability, but what do *I know?
Obviously, on their site there are none of the "exotic" Craigslist choices. You have "Plain Vanilla A and Plain Vanilla B", period. You do not get the choice of saying "Man for Man" or "Woman for Woman" or "Human for Goat" or "Do you walk upright?" etc. Nope, those Latter Day Saints toe a line. Thank some god that they are Latter Day and not Future Day. We could all be in trouble.
Let's move along.
When it comes to religion, I am an equal opportunity offender.
Jewmingle dot com? Let's see....
You bet! There is a site where you can meet someone from the Jewish faith!
Man: You are hot and I love you. But, my mother says your family does not keep kosher. Is this true?
Woman: Oh, yes... we do, Mervin. We even have separate dishwashers for dairy and meat dishes.
Man: Is that eco-friendly?
Woman: Um... I donno, but do you love me?
Man: More than the cheeseburger I had for lunch!
Woman: OOOoooooooo! That's a lot!" (squeal squeal)
What's next... I think I have covered a lot of the major religions, so let's see if the minor religions also have dating sites!
Minor Religion Practioner: Hey! We are not "minor religions"; I resent that! And can you remove the "Minor Religion" above?"
Pterosaurish: I am so sorry. I really don't mean to offend... well....actually I do, but not in a bad way. I will try to be nicer from now on.
* * Practioner: It's not a good thing for you to poke fun at us. Even though we don't have so many adherents, it doesn't mean we are bogus! Hello? I mean... there are as many practitioners of Voodoo as there are Mormons. (Thanks for not calling us "minor")
Pterosaurish: REALLY?! OK... that's next! (I try not to be too cruel)
Let's look for voodoo mingle...
Nope... no specific site, but you can find out that the voodoo goddess of wisdom requires the sacrifice of seeds and swamp plants here. A proper incantation might get someone to fall in love with you: a sacrificial chicken nailed to her door, a swamp plant in her bed. You figure it out! But ... hey.... if you find the one you want, what could be better? I vote for the ritual to make the one you want fall in love with you.
Any other religious dating sites? Let me know.
I apologize for shouting above, but this is big news. There actually is a website where you can do "Christian dating". Their slogan? "Find God's choice for you!"
No more Craigslist, no more personal ads on datehookup, you don't need to post your personal ad on the cork board in the supermarket or put an ad in your local free paper anymore.
No, it's wide open now. You can make requests!
You can find a person who has the same religious orientation as you. What could be more cool?
Are you a loser without friends because you cling to Jesus and creationism? Do your colleagues at work make fun of you because you think the world is only 6000 years old? Are you really fat from spending too much time in a pew?
DO NOT WORRY!
God has chosen someone out there for you! Log on to christianmingle dot com and find the love of your life. Hopefully you won't get two or three possibilities, because then you will have to go through the awful spectacle that the Republican Presidential candidates did even though they were all chosen by God.
So... I wondered... is there an "islammingle.com".?
No, dating site, but if you want to get married, you can find your future spouse here!
Don't expect too much from the photo gallery of women, however. Pick your spouse from among the burqa covered figures.
Muslim Man: I can't tell what you look like; are you hot?
Muslim Woman: Are you kidding me? I am suffocating in here... of COURSE I am hot....
How about Hindus and "hindumingle.com"?
Yes! Wouldn't you just KNOW it? There is a site: for Hindu believers.
Woman: We have so many gods to pay our allegiance to ... but we also invented the kama sutra and tantra sex. OMG... we can really get it on, can't we? Please call (206)359-xxxx or email me at kamasutra-maybe@gmail.com. Don't be from Delhi, I really hate guys from Delhi.
So... how about Buddhists? We don't automatically think of them as being heavy into dating, but let's have a look.
Yep! There is a site: buddha dating. It looks a little "home made" to me, so if you are a Buddhist single, you might want to exercise some caution when signing on to this site. A lot of the other people there might not actually be Buddhists. They might be – like – something else... perverts, for example. Just saying.
Mitt Romney was just nominated as the Republican party's candidate for President of the United States. Why they wanted to do that, I have no clue, BUT... Romney is a Mormon.
What if YOU are a Mormon, is there a site out there for you to find your one true love?
Let's have a look.
Oh yes... there most definitely IS! All you Mormons are in LUCK, seriously. They don't call themselves Mormons but rather Latter Day Saints... LDS... sounds like a learning disability, but what do *I know?
Obviously, on their site there are none of the "exotic" Craigslist choices. You have "Plain Vanilla A and Plain Vanilla B", period. You do not get the choice of saying "Man for Man" or "Woman for Woman" or "Human for Goat" or "Do you walk upright?" etc. Nope, those Latter Day Saints toe a line. Thank some god that they are Latter Day and not Future Day. We could all be in trouble.
Let's move along.
When it comes to religion, I am an equal opportunity offender.
Jewmingle dot com? Let's see....
You bet! There is a site where you can meet someone from the Jewish faith!
Man: You are hot and I love you. But, my mother says your family does not keep kosher. Is this true?
Woman: Oh, yes... we do, Mervin. We even have separate dishwashers for dairy and meat dishes.
Man: Is that eco-friendly?
Woman: Um... I donno, but do you love me?
Man: More than the cheeseburger I had for lunch!
Woman: OOOoooooooo! That's a lot!" (squeal squeal)
What's next... I think I have covered a lot of the major religions, so let's see if the minor religions also have dating sites!
Minor Religion Practioner: Hey! We are not "minor religions"; I resent that! And can you remove the "Minor Religion" above?"
Pterosaurish: I am so sorry. I really don't mean to offend... well....actually I do, but not in a bad way. I will try to be nicer from now on.
* * Practioner: It's not a good thing for you to poke fun at us. Even though we don't have so many adherents, it doesn't mean we are bogus! Hello? I mean... there are as many practitioners of Voodoo as there are Mormons. (Thanks for not calling us "minor")
Pterosaurish: REALLY?! OK... that's next! (I try not to be too cruel)
Let's look for voodoo mingle...
Nope... no specific site, but you can find out that the voodoo goddess of wisdom requires the sacrifice of seeds and swamp plants here. A proper incantation might get someone to fall in love with you: a sacrificial chicken nailed to her door, a swamp plant in her bed. You figure it out! But ... hey.... if you find the one you want, what could be better? I vote for the ritual to make the one you want fall in love with you.
Any other religious dating sites? Let me know.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Original Sin is Not So Original
Did you know that there are more than 5 million Mormons in the US and more than 5 million believers in Voodoo in Haiti? And the voodoo believers do not wear magic underwear.
Just a thought.
Today, following up on last week's epiphany, I would like to discuss the curious concept of original sin. Original sin has been controversial over the ages; are we all sinners because of the transgressions of Eve and Adam, or are we merely tainted by their caving in to temptation? Either way, it's not a good thing for us. And isn't it odd that we even worry about stuff like this? I mean, what about the rent and medical bills, not to mention what to make for dinner tonight?
But (getting to my point) what if there was a misinterpretation? Maybe it's not too late to go back and look at the evidence and come to a different conclusion.
First, the relevant quotes from the Bible itself.
(Of course I use the King James version... duh?)
Genesis 2
16: And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
17: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
Lots of "thous" and "mayests", but you get the point, right?
If you eat the fruit, you will know good and evil and surely die.
The rest of the story is familiar, isn't it?
The serpent slithers down out of the tree and tempts naive Eve into eating the fruit. She in turn persuades Adam to take a bite, and the rest is serious history. God gets really ticked off and kicks them out of the Garden of Eden and also does not go kindly on the serpent either.
But let's look at the details.
What was the fruit they were forbidden to eat?
'Tweren't an apple.
It says right there in the Bible that it was the fruit from "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil".
What simple conclusion can we draw from this statement in the Bible?
Clearly Adam and Eve did not know right from wrong, good from evil UNTIL they ate the fruit.
Which means that God (in "his" wisdom) might have been a little hasty in penalizing the couple for their indiscretion.
Let's consider a modern parallel.
You get a puppy from the dog pound.
Isn't he cute?
You raise him up in your house, but don't really pay much attention to actual training.
This happens.
You tell the puppy, "You can do whatever you want, but don't pee on the sofa, OK? If you do, I will be very angry, OK?"
Then one day (dark clouds scud low across the sky in the heavy wind, and lightning strikes in the distance), you come home and... DAMN... the puppy has peed on the sofa.
So... what do you do?
You shoot him, of course.
This is a dramatic parallel but true to form.
Adam and Eve clearly (the Bible SAYS so) didn't know right from wrong until they ate the fruit. In other words, they didn't know it was wrong to "disobey" God until they had committed the act.
God punished them anyway, rather severely.
The moral to the story is that you might be a sinner, but none of it is original; it is all your own.
So go and be a sinner but don't blame Adam and Eve.
. . . . . . . . . .
If you want to read the rest of Adam and Eve's adventure (annotated by yours truly), see below.
Genesis 3
4: And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
(Only the gods (notice the plural there?!) know the difference between good and evil.)
6: And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes,...
(All she knew was it looked good and might be good to eat, totally innocent)
...and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
. . . . . .
11: And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12: And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
(Wimp!)
13: And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
(She was honest anyway.)
14: And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
(Dust? Yuck!)
15: And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
(Yeah serpent... take THAT! But "his" in reference to the woman? Gender identity crisis in Genesis!)
16: Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
(Nice guy, eh? I didn't train you well, but it's your fault anyway! And for good measure, Mr. Wimp will rule over you.)
17: And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
18: Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
19: In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
(And while you're at it, you will have to watch a lot of football on TV and eat at McDonald's too. Doesn't this passage make you want to say, "Lighten up, God!")
. . . . . .
24: So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
(In short, "Bad boy!")
Just a thought.
Today, following up on last week's epiphany, I would like to discuss the curious concept of original sin. Original sin has been controversial over the ages; are we all sinners because of the transgressions of Eve and Adam, or are we merely tainted by their caving in to temptation? Either way, it's not a good thing for us. And isn't it odd that we even worry about stuff like this? I mean, what about the rent and medical bills, not to mention what to make for dinner tonight?
But (getting to my point) what if there was a misinterpretation? Maybe it's not too late to go back and look at the evidence and come to a different conclusion.
First, the relevant quotes from the Bible itself.
(Of course I use the King James version... duh?)
Genesis 2
16: And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
17: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
Lots of "thous" and "mayests", but you get the point, right?
If you eat the fruit, you will know good and evil and surely die.
The rest of the story is familiar, isn't it?
The serpent slithers down out of the tree and tempts naive Eve into eating the fruit. She in turn persuades Adam to take a bite, and the rest is serious history. God gets really ticked off and kicks them out of the Garden of Eden and also does not go kindly on the serpent either.
But let's look at the details.
What was the fruit they were forbidden to eat?
'Tweren't an apple.
It says right there in the Bible that it was the fruit from "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil".
What simple conclusion can we draw from this statement in the Bible?
Clearly Adam and Eve did not know right from wrong, good from evil UNTIL they ate the fruit.
Which means that God (in "his" wisdom) might have been a little hasty in penalizing the couple for their indiscretion.
Let's consider a modern parallel.
You get a puppy from the dog pound.
Isn't he cute?
You raise him up in your house, but don't really pay much attention to actual training.
This happens.
You tell the puppy, "You can do whatever you want, but don't pee on the sofa, OK? If you do, I will be very angry, OK?"
Then one day (dark clouds scud low across the sky in the heavy wind, and lightning strikes in the distance), you come home and... DAMN... the puppy has peed on the sofa.
So... what do you do?
You shoot him, of course.
This is a dramatic parallel but true to form.
Adam and Eve clearly (the Bible SAYS so) didn't know right from wrong until they ate the fruit. In other words, they didn't know it was wrong to "disobey" God until they had committed the act.
God punished them anyway, rather severely.
The moral to the story is that you might be a sinner, but none of it is original; it is all your own.
So go and be a sinner but don't blame Adam and Eve.
. . . . . . . . . .
If you want to read the rest of Adam and Eve's adventure (annotated by yours truly), see below.
Genesis 3
4: And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
(Only the gods (notice the plural there?!) know the difference between good and evil.)
6: And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes,...
(All she knew was it looked good and might be good to eat, totally innocent)
...and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
. . . . . .
11: And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12: And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
(Wimp!)
13: And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
(She was honest anyway.)
14: And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
(Dust? Yuck!)
15: And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
(Yeah serpent... take THAT! But "his" in reference to the woman? Gender identity crisis in Genesis!)
16: Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
(Nice guy, eh? I didn't train you well, but it's your fault anyway! And for good measure, Mr. Wimp will rule over you.)
17: And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
18: Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
19: In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
(And while you're at it, you will have to watch a lot of football on TV and eat at McDonald's too. Doesn't this passage make you want to say, "Lighten up, God!")
. . . . . .
24: So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
(In short, "Bad boy!")
Monday, July 30, 2012
Is That Jesus in My Toast?
I believe that most of you probably saw this incredible news, the appearance of the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk in New Jersey. No, the Blessed Virgin was not herself revealed in the tree; it was her image that appeared and changed the lives of believers in the area.
At first, being endowed by my Creator with a doubting mind, I thought, "Ha! What sort of nonsense is this?!" But, when I saw the close ups of the tree trunk and listened to the emotional reaction of the residents in the area, I started to wonder.
Maybe I am too cynical. Maybe my disbelief comes from some inner pressure that prevents me from opening my heart to the wondrous events around me.
It turned out that the inner tension could be relieved by other means, but that is not to say that I am innocent of cynicism when it comes to religious iconography and belief.
I felt that I should reconsider my wayward nature and try to find the truth in these images. I needed to trust my heart and let it surrender to the mystery of salvation.
This voyage of spiritual discovery required some preparation, so I spent a long evening in meditative surfing of the internet. I explored the many websites out there which are devoted to self-discovery and spiritual awareness.
Slowly, my outlook was transformed. I began to see how wrong I had been all these years, ignoring the reality of faith that had probably presented its proof to my very own eyes countless times. I had hardened my heart to belief and in consequence had only deprived myself of the warmth of religious embrace.
I first looked for other similar images; perhaps I too could eventually bear witness to what the faithful saw in these ordinary objects.
The image of Jesus is one which his flock often discover.
Jesus on a crab, for example, was found not far from Seattle, up in Everett*. Naturally, disbelieving as I used to be, the Huffington Post put down this revelation by suggesting it looked more like Osama Bin Laden, but that is because the editors there are a faithless lot who should all be turned into pillars of salt! Regrettably, the crab was a female and had to be returned to the sea, so it could not find its rightful place as an object of worship in the community.
A Texas family found an image of their Savior, Jesus, in shower-stall mold, an image they claim helped control one family member's HIV and keep another out of prison! Such is the power of spiritual acceptance. Of course, doubters might say it looks more like Tiny Tim, but that is because they have not shed the scales of disbelief from their eyes.
Another woman captured the Son of God praying in her TV! No... that's not right... Jesus was not praying in her TV. What I meant to say was that she took a picture of her TV and later saw the image of Jesus praying in the picture. It was miraculous.
A New Mexico man found the image of Jesus in his tortilla, and others saw the likeness of Mary in a hamburger joint in Tampa. Cynics will sniff at this evidence of divine revelation and say that nobody even knows what Jesus or the Virgin Mary looked like. But truly God works in mysterious ways, and we who have found the Way know in our hearts what is true and what is not.
After several hours of devotional picture surfing, I began to experience an epiphany. My heart opened to the wonder of faith and with it my eyes too began to see. The inner pressure of long repudiation began to well up in me.
With my eyes clouded by tears of emotion from the profound revelation I had experienced, I rushed out into the night to see if I too could bring witness to the miraculous.
My fervent prayers were answered! For right there at my feet was the image of the Madonna and Child!
I was enlightened and – bursting the dam of denial – for that moment at least had achieved a state of transcendental bliss.
- - - - - - - - - -
Clicking the links in the article might bring YOU salvation too. I recommend it!
*Check out all the inspirational images in the slideshow!
At first, being endowed by my Creator with a doubting mind, I thought, "Ha! What sort of nonsense is this?!" But, when I saw the close ups of the tree trunk and listened to the emotional reaction of the residents in the area, I started to wonder.
Maybe I am too cynical. Maybe my disbelief comes from some inner pressure that prevents me from opening my heart to the wondrous events around me.
It turned out that the inner tension could be relieved by other means, but that is not to say that I am innocent of cynicism when it comes to religious iconography and belief.
I felt that I should reconsider my wayward nature and try to find the truth in these images. I needed to trust my heart and let it surrender to the mystery of salvation.
This voyage of spiritual discovery required some preparation, so I spent a long evening in meditative surfing of the internet. I explored the many websites out there which are devoted to self-discovery and spiritual awareness.
Slowly, my outlook was transformed. I began to see how wrong I had been all these years, ignoring the reality of faith that had probably presented its proof to my very own eyes countless times. I had hardened my heart to belief and in consequence had only deprived myself of the warmth of religious embrace.
I first looked for other similar images; perhaps I too could eventually bear witness to what the faithful saw in these ordinary objects.
The image of Jesus is one which his flock often discover.
Jesus on a crab, for example, was found not far from Seattle, up in Everett*. Naturally, disbelieving as I used to be, the Huffington Post put down this revelation by suggesting it looked more like Osama Bin Laden, but that is because the editors there are a faithless lot who should all be turned into pillars of salt! Regrettably, the crab was a female and had to be returned to the sea, so it could not find its rightful place as an object of worship in the community.
A Texas family found an image of their Savior, Jesus, in shower-stall mold, an image they claim helped control one family member's HIV and keep another out of prison! Such is the power of spiritual acceptance. Of course, doubters might say it looks more like Tiny Tim, but that is because they have not shed the scales of disbelief from their eyes.
Another woman captured the Son of God praying in her TV! No... that's not right... Jesus was not praying in her TV. What I meant to say was that she took a picture of her TV and later saw the image of Jesus praying in the picture. It was miraculous.
A New Mexico man found the image of Jesus in his tortilla, and others saw the likeness of Mary in a hamburger joint in Tampa. Cynics will sniff at this evidence of divine revelation and say that nobody even knows what Jesus or the Virgin Mary looked like. But truly God works in mysterious ways, and we who have found the Way know in our hearts what is true and what is not.
After several hours of devotional picture surfing, I began to experience an epiphany. My heart opened to the wonder of faith and with it my eyes too began to see. The inner pressure of long repudiation began to well up in me.
With my eyes clouded by tears of emotion from the profound revelation I had experienced, I rushed out into the night to see if I too could bring witness to the miraculous.
My fervent prayers were answered! For right there at my feet was the image of the Madonna and Child!
I was enlightened and – bursting the dam of denial – for that moment at least had achieved a state of transcendental bliss.
- - - - - - - - - -
Clicking the links in the article might bring YOU salvation too. I recommend it!
*Check out all the inspirational images in the slideshow!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Pat Robertson, My Hero
It has been hard for me over the past several weeks, trying to come to terms with serious cognitive dissonance. For those of you unfamiliar with this symptom, it is a condition of "a discomfort caused by holding conflicting cognitions simultaneously". It means my appreciation of one thing, causes a contrary feeling that it must be wrong.
So when Pat Robertson who is basically the embodiment of religious fruitcake-dom comes out in favor of legalizing marijuana, I am at a loss for words and lie awake nights worrying about liking him.
As many of my readers understand, I have issues with religious "leaders" who want to inflict their deranged ideas on us. Yes, we progressive types know they are nut cases, but so many others don't! I think the whole Roman Catholic Church leadership is ready for commitment to some sort of asylum, but amazingly some people still listen to what its leadership has to say. And never mind the hypocrisy.
So for many years, I have been able to dismiss Pat Robertson with his insane comments on Haitian dealings with the devil, tornado victims not praying enough, or knowing who God will pick in the US Presidential election (but not telling us). He is clearly barking mad, bat s**t crazy as some would say.
But then he comes out in support of legalizing marijuana, not because he is a pothead (heaven forbid), but for the essentially progressive reasons of reducing prison populations and not incarcerating people for non-violent crimes. I mean... this has even been discussed in the notoriously liberal Atlantic Magazine!
What am I to think! On the one hand Pat Robertson is so clearly in profound need of some sort of medication, but on the other he spouts something that is so totally coherent and reasonable. It reminds me of a story my father told me many years ago. It probably is apocryphal, but he did work as a doctor at a "mental institution" (he met my mother there), so it is plausibly true.
The story goes like this.
A car has a flat tire outside the mental institution where my father worked. The driver gets out and, cursing all the while in frustration, begins to change the tire. He removes all the lug nuts and puts them into the hub cap behind him in the street while he struggles with the heavy tire. While he is removing the tire, another car comes breezing past and just nicks the edge of his hubcap, sending the lug nuts spinning off into the drainage ditch or wherever, unrecoverable.
The driver stands up and presses his hands to his face in frustration.
Then from behind the barred windows of the asylum, a man in hospital garb calls down to him, "Hey! You at the car!"
The driver looks up. The man behind the bars looks ominous. "What do YOU want?!" He exclaims in exasperation. "Can't you see I am in trouble here?!" He is on the verge of tears.
The man behind the bars says calmly, "Why don't you take one lug nut off each of the other 3 wheels and attach your spare tire with them? That would be good enough to get you to a gas station or service garage."
The driver is incredulous. "Oh... you're right! Oh my, I can do that! What a great idea! Thank you so much!"
The man behind the bars responds, "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid."
Maybe that is what is happening with Pat Robertson?
So when Pat Robertson who is basically the embodiment of religious fruitcake-dom comes out in favor of legalizing marijuana, I am at a loss for words and lie awake nights worrying about liking him.
As many of my readers understand, I have issues with religious "leaders" who want to inflict their deranged ideas on us. Yes, we progressive types know they are nut cases, but so many others don't! I think the whole Roman Catholic Church leadership is ready for commitment to some sort of asylum, but amazingly some people still listen to what its leadership has to say. And never mind the hypocrisy.
So for many years, I have been able to dismiss Pat Robertson with his insane comments on Haitian dealings with the devil, tornado victims not praying enough, or knowing who God will pick in the US Presidential election (but not telling us). He is clearly barking mad, bat s**t crazy as some would say.
But then he comes out in support of legalizing marijuana, not because he is a pothead (heaven forbid), but for the essentially progressive reasons of reducing prison populations and not incarcerating people for non-violent crimes. I mean... this has even been discussed in the notoriously liberal Atlantic Magazine!
What am I to think! On the one hand Pat Robertson is so clearly in profound need of some sort of medication, but on the other he spouts something that is so totally coherent and reasonable. It reminds me of a story my father told me many years ago. It probably is apocryphal, but he did work as a doctor at a "mental institution" (he met my mother there), so it is plausibly true.
The story goes like this.
A car has a flat tire outside the mental institution where my father worked. The driver gets out and, cursing all the while in frustration, begins to change the tire. He removes all the lug nuts and puts them into the hub cap behind him in the street while he struggles with the heavy tire. While he is removing the tire, another car comes breezing past and just nicks the edge of his hubcap, sending the lug nuts spinning off into the drainage ditch or wherever, unrecoverable.
The driver stands up and presses his hands to his face in frustration.
Then from behind the barred windows of the asylum, a man in hospital garb calls down to him, "Hey! You at the car!"
The driver looks up. The man behind the bars looks ominous. "What do YOU want?!" He exclaims in exasperation. "Can't you see I am in trouble here?!" He is on the verge of tears.
The man behind the bars says calmly, "Why don't you take one lug nut off each of the other 3 wheels and attach your spare tire with them? That would be good enough to get you to a gas station or service garage."
The driver is incredulous. "Oh... you're right! Oh my, I can do that! What a great idea! Thank you so much!"
The man behind the bars responds, "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid."
Maybe that is what is happening with Pat Robertson?
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Conservative? There's a pill for that now.
Progressives like me have often stood back in awed incredulity at some things conservatives say they believe: the Earth was created 6000 years ago, guns at home will protect you from the government, a second-class status for women is God's will, President Obama is not an American, on and on. When I say "conservative" here, I am not talking about conservatives like President Eisenhower or even Ronald Reagan. I am talking about the gay-hating, gun-toting, racist, tea party, misogynist, creation-thumping conservatives. You know the ones – the "bottom line" supporters of Rick Santorum.
For so long, we thought that this was an enlightenment problem; they just needed to be dragged out of the 12th century and into the modern world by education, and all would be OK.
How wrong we were.
Even a four-year, college education only helps 62% of them, according to Rick Santorum; it didn't cure him, obviously.
Recent research conducted by Dr. Gordon Hodson, a professor of psychology, shows that conservatives have fearful ideologies, "because such ideologies feature 'structure and order' that make it easier to comprehend a complicated world. Unfortunately, many of these features can also contribute to prejudice."
Moreover, it seems that conservatives' very brains are different. Other research done in the UK points up the fact that conservatives have larger centers of the brain associated with fear. The researchers caution that whether this is a cause or an effect is not clear. Indeed, being "born again", an experience shared by many turbo-conservatives has been linked to atrophy of the hippocampus, the "part of the brain critical to learning and memory".
Then comes along this study done at Oxford University, no less, which seems to show that racist and probably other "fearful" conditions can be treated by a common medication for heart disease. Racism and sexism have already been linked to certain personality disorders associated with other conservative views, so it might well be that a whole array of conservative symptoms might be a part of a bigger but treatable condition.
Clearly we need to stop thinking of conservatism as something that more time in the classroom will ameliorate but rather as a mental health issue. Medications like those mentioned above need to be developed so that they specifically target the fears of right wingers. This way doctors can prescribe a pill to cure someone of – say – an irrational fear that President Obama is a Muslim, or that gay marriages somehow affect straight life. Maybe – with luck – a pill could even be developed to cure creationism and other extreme Old Testamentarian views!
Of course, getting these cantankerous people to take their medications for their own good (and ours) might be difficult, but a doctor's orders will carry a lot of weight. Since conservatism is so clearly a mental disorder, it should be included in the DSM IV, so that these palliative medications can be prescribed as a part of a health insurance plan. I certainly would not have a moral objection to THESE pills being covered by health insurance.
For so long, we thought that this was an enlightenment problem; they just needed to be dragged out of the 12th century and into the modern world by education, and all would be OK.
How wrong we were.
Even a four-year, college education only helps 62% of them, according to Rick Santorum; it didn't cure him, obviously.
Recent research conducted by Dr. Gordon Hodson, a professor of psychology, shows that conservatives have fearful ideologies, "because such ideologies feature 'structure and order' that make it easier to comprehend a complicated world. Unfortunately, many of these features can also contribute to prejudice."
Moreover, it seems that conservatives' very brains are different. Other research done in the UK points up the fact that conservatives have larger centers of the brain associated with fear. The researchers caution that whether this is a cause or an effect is not clear. Indeed, being "born again", an experience shared by many turbo-conservatives has been linked to atrophy of the hippocampus, the "part of the brain critical to learning and memory".
Then comes along this study done at Oxford University, no less, which seems to show that racist and probably other "fearful" conditions can be treated by a common medication for heart disease. Racism and sexism have already been linked to certain personality disorders associated with other conservative views, so it might well be that a whole array of conservative symptoms might be a part of a bigger but treatable condition.
Clearly we need to stop thinking of conservatism as something that more time in the classroom will ameliorate but rather as a mental health issue. Medications like those mentioned above need to be developed so that they specifically target the fears of right wingers. This way doctors can prescribe a pill to cure someone of – say – an irrational fear that President Obama is a Muslim, or that gay marriages somehow affect straight life. Maybe – with luck – a pill could even be developed to cure creationism and other extreme Old Testamentarian views!
Of course, getting these cantankerous people to take their medications for their own good (and ours) might be difficult, but a doctor's orders will carry a lot of weight. Since conservatism is so clearly a mental disorder, it should be included in the DSM IV, so that these palliative medications can be prescribed as a part of a health insurance plan. I certainly would not have a moral objection to THESE pills being covered by health insurance.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
We Three Kings
Last Christmas I drew on newly revealed records to report on the exchanges between Mary and Joseph, and this year too, I would like to continue in that vein to bring the true Christmas spirit to life.
Immortalized in that famous Christmas carol, the wise men are central to the Christmas story.
"We three kings of Orient are..."
and then something about a rubber cigar...
I forget the rest, but anyway, today we will look at the wise men who visited the baby Jesus. We traditionally think of them as three wise men, but nothing in the Bible actually tells us how many they were. What the Bible does tell us is that "On entering the house, they saw the child with Mary his mother; and they knelt down and paid him homage. Then, opening their treasure chests, they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
They opened their treasure chests (plural) and offered gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh!
These are valuable gifts! Gold is precious even today, frankincense is of ancient importance, and myrrh is more valuable than gold. We can assume that Mary and Joseph came in to some serious loot!
The image we have of Jesus is that he was not a rich man, but that he did not actually have any visual means of support either. There is nothing in the Bible that suggests he held down a job, for example. Yes, we know he WAS a carpenter, but I also USED TO work at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
We need to get to the basic documents here to find out what happened to those riches. And for that I (once again) revert to the recently revealed texts that I drew on last Christmas.
The relevant parts open with the wise men, presenting their gifts to the baby Jesus at the new house where Mary and Joseph have moved (they were not in the stable; check your Bible, OK?)
Wise Man1: (knocking on the door) Hello? Anybody home?
Mary: (wiping her hands on a towel as she leaves the kitchen) Hello? What can I do for you?
WM1: We are three wise men from the East, come to pay homage to the new King.
Mary: Say what?
Joseph: (From in back) Mary? Who is that? It's not Benjamin again, is it?!
Mary: (shouting to the back) NO! It's some wise men. (To the wise men) What do you want?
Wise Man2: We come bearing gifts to present to your son, the new king.
Wise Man3: Yes, we bring gold!
Wise Man4: And frankincense!
Wise Man5: And Myrrh!
Mary: Oh my.... how did you hear about us anyway?
WM1: A star rose in the west, signalling the arrival of the new King. We were ordered by Harod to follow its passage until we came here to your house, the house of the King.
Joseph: (coming to the door) What is all this about? Are you guys with the sewer company? We paid our bill last month!
Mary: No, Joseph. They have brought gifts for our baby. For Jesus!
Joseph: You sent in those coupons, didn't you? And we won something? I don't believe it.
Mary: No! Nothing like that. They brought gifts on their own!
Joseph: Wow. Thanks a lot. You guys are awesome!
WM2: Well.... it's been real, but we had a bad dream last night, so we have to go. In fact, we cannot return to Harod, so we need to go home by another way.
Mary: Oh my... well have a safe trip.
WM3: Thank you. I think we should go back by way of that new resort in Babylon. What do you guys think?
WM4: Sounds good to me!
Joseph: Well, good luck then! Thanks for the presents and all.
– LATER –
Mary: What are we going to DO with these gifts? Look at this, Joseph! There is a lot of stuff here!
Joseph: Wow! Look at all this gold! And the myrrh!!
Mary: We should save it.... for Jesus' college education. It is getting more and more expensive these days and he won't get a good job if he doesn't have a college education!
Joseph: Hey! Being a carpenter isn't THAT bad.... You know we could use some of it now! I wouldn't mind having a new donkey...
Mary: JOSEPH! You just BOUGHT a new donkey two years ago! What do you think you are? A Roman?!
Joseph: Well... I just thought....
How about paying down the mortgage, then?
Mary: NO! We are saving this for his future. What if he has trouble finding a job or something... he will need this to fall back on.
And so, it came to pass, that the gold, and the frankincense, and the myrrh were saved. Thanks to Mary. And that explains why Jesus never needed to have a job the whole time he was preaching and turning water into wine, etc.
Isn't that a heart warming story? Doesn't it just fill your heart with the Christmas spirit? It does mine. Of course, we don't actually know HOW the gifts were invested, but we can be sure it wasn't real estate as there is no Biblical record of Jesus living anywhere as an adult.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good investment! How about frankincense futures?
Immortalized in that famous Christmas carol, the wise men are central to the Christmas story.
"We three kings of Orient are..."
and then something about a rubber cigar...
I forget the rest, but anyway, today we will look at the wise men who visited the baby Jesus. We traditionally think of them as three wise men, but nothing in the Bible actually tells us how many they were. What the Bible does tell us is that "On entering the house, they saw the child with Mary his mother; and they knelt down and paid him homage. Then, opening their treasure chests, they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
They opened their treasure chests (plural) and offered gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh!
These are valuable gifts! Gold is precious even today, frankincense is of ancient importance, and myrrh is more valuable than gold. We can assume that Mary and Joseph came in to some serious loot!
The image we have of Jesus is that he was not a rich man, but that he did not actually have any visual means of support either. There is nothing in the Bible that suggests he held down a job, for example. Yes, we know he WAS a carpenter, but I also USED TO work at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
We need to get to the basic documents here to find out what happened to those riches. And for that I (once again) revert to the recently revealed texts that I drew on last Christmas.
The relevant parts open with the wise men, presenting their gifts to the baby Jesus at the new house where Mary and Joseph have moved (they were not in the stable; check your Bible, OK?)
Wise Man1: (knocking on the door) Hello? Anybody home?
Mary: (wiping her hands on a towel as she leaves the kitchen) Hello? What can I do for you?
WM1: We are three wise men from the East, come to pay homage to the new King.
Mary: Say what?
Joseph: (From in back) Mary? Who is that? It's not Benjamin again, is it?!
Mary: (shouting to the back) NO! It's some wise men. (To the wise men) What do you want?
Wise Man2: We come bearing gifts to present to your son, the new king.
Wise Man3: Yes, we bring gold!
Wise Man4: And frankincense!
Wise Man5: And Myrrh!
Mary: Oh my.... how did you hear about us anyway?
WM1: A star rose in the west, signalling the arrival of the new King. We were ordered by Harod to follow its passage until we came here to your house, the house of the King.
Joseph: (coming to the door) What is all this about? Are you guys with the sewer company? We paid our bill last month!
Mary: No, Joseph. They have brought gifts for our baby. For Jesus!
Joseph: You sent in those coupons, didn't you? And we won something? I don't believe it.
Mary: No! Nothing like that. They brought gifts on their own!
Joseph: Wow. Thanks a lot. You guys are awesome!
WM2: Well.... it's been real, but we had a bad dream last night, so we have to go. In fact, we cannot return to Harod, so we need to go home by another way.
Mary: Oh my... well have a safe trip.
WM3: Thank you. I think we should go back by way of that new resort in Babylon. What do you guys think?
WM4: Sounds good to me!
Joseph: Well, good luck then! Thanks for the presents and all.
– LATER –
Mary: What are we going to DO with these gifts? Look at this, Joseph! There is a lot of stuff here!
Joseph: Wow! Look at all this gold! And the myrrh!!
Mary: We should save it.... for Jesus' college education. It is getting more and more expensive these days and he won't get a good job if he doesn't have a college education!
Joseph: Hey! Being a carpenter isn't THAT bad.... You know we could use some of it now! I wouldn't mind having a new donkey...
Mary: JOSEPH! You just BOUGHT a new donkey two years ago! What do you think you are? A Roman?!
Joseph: Well... I just thought....
How about paying down the mortgage, then?
Mary: NO! We are saving this for his future. What if he has trouble finding a job or something... he will need this to fall back on.
And so, it came to pass, that the gold, and the frankincense, and the myrrh were saved. Thanks to Mary. And that explains why Jesus never needed to have a job the whole time he was preaching and turning water into wine, etc.
Isn't that a heart warming story? Doesn't it just fill your heart with the Christmas spirit? It does mine. Of course, we don't actually know HOW the gifts were invested, but we can be sure it wasn't real estate as there is no Biblical record of Jesus living anywhere as an adult.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good investment! How about frankincense futures?
Monday, November 14, 2011
In God We Trust
It's official. Most of the Republican candidates for the Presidency claim to have been called by God to step up and run for office. Herman Cain is the latest of the group chosen by God to make the chase for the highest office in the land, but Michelle Bachman, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum (whose name has become part of the urban dictionary) have also heard the call from heaven.
Naturally, I was curious about why God would call so many of them to campaign for office. I needed to find out why, but how?
Obviously prayer, the kind of sustained effort employed by Herman Cain, would be one way to find out what is behind God's apparent shotgun approach to Republican opposition. Unfortunately, however, I have not prayed since I was a very small boy, and even then I was not all that convinced that my requests for a pair of soccer boots were making much headway, so some other way would be required.
The power of deductive reasoning!
Now here is a technique I might be good at. I am well educated and of average intelligence, surely I could apply my God-given brain power to this issue and arrive – like Sherlock Holmes – at an answer. To quote the great detective, "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
So, we must first eliminate the impossible.
One cannot doubt the sincerity of the Republican field in their claims of being called by God. They all must have heard "something", and the still, small voices in their hearts were not telling them to "go ahead... eat the fruit of knowledge!" There is no evidence of knowledge-fruit eating among them. No, the voices were telling them to run for office, the highest office in the land.
So in conclusion, they all did receive the call. It must be true.
If there is no question of veracity on the part of the receivers, then, we must consider the sending end of the conversation. Why would God call on four Republicans to run for office? After all, in the Bible, God only called on one Job, one Noah and one Moses to save his chosen people from lack of faith, flood, and the Egyptians. There must be some reason that we can deduce from the evidence at hand.
Would an all-knowing God need to "cover his bases", so to speak, by fielding an array of candidates in case one of them proved unworthy?
Impossible.
Would an omnipotent God call so many so that the best among them would rise to the top?
Never happened before. And what about Romney?
Could a creator God be trying to muddy the Republican field (have you EVER seen so many people "debating" before?) to sow confusion in the opposition ranks?
Bingo!
With the impossible eliminated, the improbable rises like sweet cream to the surface.
God is a Democrat.
Naturally, I was curious about why God would call so many of them to campaign for office. I needed to find out why, but how?
Obviously prayer, the kind of sustained effort employed by Herman Cain, would be one way to find out what is behind God's apparent shotgun approach to Republican opposition. Unfortunately, however, I have not prayed since I was a very small boy, and even then I was not all that convinced that my requests for a pair of soccer boots were making much headway, so some other way would be required.
The power of deductive reasoning!
Now here is a technique I might be good at. I am well educated and of average intelligence, surely I could apply my God-given brain power to this issue and arrive – like Sherlock Holmes – at an answer. To quote the great detective, "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
So, we must first eliminate the impossible.
One cannot doubt the sincerity of the Republican field in their claims of being called by God. They all must have heard "something", and the still, small voices in their hearts were not telling them to "go ahead... eat the fruit of knowledge!" There is no evidence of knowledge-fruit eating among them. No, the voices were telling them to run for office, the highest office in the land.
So in conclusion, they all did receive the call. It must be true.
If there is no question of veracity on the part of the receivers, then, we must consider the sending end of the conversation. Why would God call on four Republicans to run for office? After all, in the Bible, God only called on one Job, one Noah and one Moses to save his chosen people from lack of faith, flood, and the Egyptians. There must be some reason that we can deduce from the evidence at hand.
Would an all-knowing God need to "cover his bases", so to speak, by fielding an array of candidates in case one of them proved unworthy?
Impossible.
Would an omnipotent God call so many so that the best among them would rise to the top?
Never happened before. And what about Romney?
Could a creator God be trying to muddy the Republican field (have you EVER seen so many people "debating" before?) to sow confusion in the opposition ranks?
Bingo!
With the impossible eliminated, the improbable rises like sweet cream to the surface.
God is a Democrat.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Thank Intelligent Design for Republicans
Donald Trump is fading from the Republican Presidential race, proving once again that like with Kim Jong Il bad hair will take you only so far. Fortunately for us, however, the Republicans have more than one joker up their sleeves.
Here comes Michele Bachmann!
Candidate Michele Bachmann has come out in support of teaching "intelligent design" in the nation's schools, saying, "What I support is putting all science on the table and then letting students decide. I don't think it's a good idea for government to come down on one side of (a) scientific issue or another, when there is reasonable doubt on both sides."
I don't even know where to start with this.
The "reasonable doubt on both sides" part?
How about "putting all the science on the table"?
Yes, let's do that! Our children need exposure to all the science, so they can make up their minds as to which is more persuasive.
Take voodoo for example.
There is no question that teaching of voodoo science has been completely ignored in our youngsters' education! How will they be able to decide which is more convincing if they don't get "all the science on the table"? And why is the government limiting discussion of this important scientific knowledge?
But when talking science, what could be more scientific than Scientology, especially when major celebrities and movie stars believe it?
And what exactly do they believe?
Scientology claims that there was an alien ruler called Xenu and that 75 million years ago (to us non-scientists, the late Cretaceous Period) Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 jetliners, piled the people around volcanoes and set off hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes. Their spirits, called "thetans", survived the blasts and inhabit the living even today! (CAUTION: Despite scientific similarities, this is not tied to the voodoo belief in zombies.)
Yes, YOU have a thetan inside you, even as you read this!
The Scientologists claim that their science can help you "resolve" the issues you have with your inner thetan through diuretics. No... sorry... that is for something else... It's dianetics. Like diuretics, however, dianetics will help you "clear" yourself and bring you to a higher state of equilibrium.
Can you believe that this important science is not being taught in our classrooms today? Michele Bachmann wants intelligent design to be presented to our children side-by-side with Scientific Revolution science, but the theory of intelligent design is so clearly moronic, we should not pollute our youngsters' minds with it. Intelligent designers believe that some intelligent force "guided evolution" and created the complexity of life today.
Intelligent? Ha!
Never mind obvious engineering failures, such as humans breathing and eating through the same orifice, causing thousands of choking deaths each year; I have two irrefutable arguments against this theory.
Hey, guys! Show us your chests! See those nipples? One, two!
I rest my case.
No, we need Scientology taught side-by-side with traditional science. If John Travolta and Tom Cruise believe it, can it possibly be wrong?!
- - - - - - - - -
Pterosaurish note: I almost couldn't think of anything to write this week and was planning to fall back on ever-funny North Korea, but once again the Republican Party came to my rescue! I want to thank the Intelligent Designer for coming up with Republicans.
Here comes Michele Bachmann!
Candidate Michele Bachmann has come out in support of teaching "intelligent design" in the nation's schools, saying, "What I support is putting all science on the table and then letting students decide. I don't think it's a good idea for government to come down on one side of (a) scientific issue or another, when there is reasonable doubt on both sides."
I don't even know where to start with this.
The "reasonable doubt on both sides" part?
How about "putting all the science on the table"?
Yes, let's do that! Our children need exposure to all the science, so they can make up their minds as to which is more persuasive.
Take voodoo for example.
There is no question that teaching of voodoo science has been completely ignored in our youngsters' education! How will they be able to decide which is more convincing if they don't get "all the science on the table"? And why is the government limiting discussion of this important scientific knowledge?
But when talking science, what could be more scientific than Scientology, especially when major celebrities and movie stars believe it?
And what exactly do they believe?
Scientology claims that there was an alien ruler called Xenu and that 75 million years ago (to us non-scientists, the late Cretaceous Period) Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 jetliners, piled the people around volcanoes and set off hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes. Their spirits, called "thetans", survived the blasts and inhabit the living even today! (CAUTION: Despite scientific similarities, this is not tied to the voodoo belief in zombies.)
Yes, YOU have a thetan inside you, even as you read this!
The Scientologists claim that their science can help you "resolve" the issues you have with your inner thetan through diuretics. No... sorry... that is for something else... It's dianetics. Like diuretics, however, dianetics will help you "clear" yourself and bring you to a higher state of equilibrium.
Can you believe that this important science is not being taught in our classrooms today? Michele Bachmann wants intelligent design to be presented to our children side-by-side with Scientific Revolution science, but the theory of intelligent design is so clearly moronic, we should not pollute our youngsters' minds with it. Intelligent designers believe that some intelligent force "guided evolution" and created the complexity of life today.
Intelligent? Ha!
Never mind obvious engineering failures, such as humans breathing and eating through the same orifice, causing thousands of choking deaths each year; I have two irrefutable arguments against this theory.
Hey, guys! Show us your chests! See those nipples? One, two!
I rest my case.
No, we need Scientology taught side-by-side with traditional science. If John Travolta and Tom Cruise believe it, can it possibly be wrong?!
- - - - - - - - -
Pterosaurish note: I almost couldn't think of anything to write this week and was planning to fall back on ever-funny North Korea, but once again the Republican Party came to my rescue! I want to thank the Intelligent Designer for coming up with Republicans.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)