Caught up in the social networking of the 21st century, we forget how different dating and meeting potential partners was in earlier years. 600 years ago, for example, children of nobility were offered as marriage partners in order to cement diplomatic and political relations despite the fact that they were still toddlers. Marriages were made across cultural and language barriers all the time. No regard was paid to the trouble the newly weds would have with communication or vastly different customs.
In even earlier times, it must have been much harder. In fact, we now know that early humans crossed the species barrier in their search for mates. When you consider how strongly some people insist on their children marrying someone of the same race or creed today, it must have been remarkable to have to go so far to find a mate for your child.
Scenario
Mom (to son): So Bobo (I don't know any prehistoric names; they are prehistoric, after all, so you will need to use your imagination here and bear with me.), who are you taking to the prom this year?
Bobo: I can't get anyone to go to the prom with me. Everyone says I am ugly and stupid.
Mom: Oh, Bobo. You're not ugly! All you need to do is comb your hair so that it covers your eyebrows. Nobody will notice that you don't have much of a forehead. Here... let me do it for you... there! See? It completely covers that narrow gap!
Who have you asked?
Bobo: I asked Meemee (Bear with me, OK?!).
Mom: Hmm. And even SHE didn't want to go out with you?
Bobo: No.
Mom: What about one of those girls from the school across the river?
Bobo: But Mommm! They are not even human!
Mom: Well... they're close enough. Some of them even walk upright! And I noticed a couple of them handling tools as well.
Bobo: Aww Mom! I can't go to the prom with one of them! What would my friends say?
Mom: What friends? Surely you can find a cute one to take?
Bobo: I don't know... (he kicks the sand at his feet, raising a small cloud of dust)
Mom: You need to be more aggressive, Bobo. A nice girl is not just going to fall into your lap. Here... while you are thinking about it. Go get some water from the river.
Bobo: Yes, Mom.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the river...
Mom: So Shela (Is that better?), who are you going to go to the prom with this year?
Shela: Aww Mom. I don't want to go to the prom. All the boys are such jerks.
Mom: What about Gugu, that nice boy from the cave in the valley?
Shela: Are you kidding? Nice? Mom! He drools and is the stupidest boy in my flint class.
Mom: Hmm... so what are you planning to do? This is your senior year, so I am sure you don't want to miss out on going to your last prom!
Shela: I don't know. (she kicks the sand around at her feet, raising a small cloud of dust)
Mom: I know! Why don't you go with one of those humans across the river? Some of them are pretty cute and I think they are smart too.
Shela: I wouldn't mind, but how will I get their attention? They are so stuck up over there with their furs across their cave mouths.
Mom: Maybe we could go along the river for a walk and get one of them to notice you.
Shela: You think? When would be a good time?
Mom: Let's go now and see.
So they stroll down to the river and just as they come to the edge of the water, they see Bobo dipping his gourd into the stream. He looks up and his eyes meet Shela's. The species gap is bridged as they see something in each other's look that draws them inexorably together. This is probably how bridges were invented too.
And thus modern humans came to be – made of the connections of thousands and thousands of years and millions upon millions of humans and other species. But for the courage and willingness to cross the species line, we would be diminished today. We can also be happy that our ancestors intermingling was all with other Homo-types. Imagine how different we would be if they had been "doing it" with goats!
Indeed, in some countries, like China, today there are too many males and not enough females. Instead of whining about the problem, the men should take a lesson from our human past and think more broadly about their prospective mates. Some of the Orangutans can be pretty cute. All we need to do is set them up on Facebook and China's marriage-deficit problem is solved!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Fossil Flatulence
I know I have been intolerant and ranted here about creationism and the people who believe in that theory, but recently I have come around to thinking that they may have a point. I admit that I might have been hasty in my criticism and also too quick to make fun of them and their ideas. I should be more thoughtful and weigh the evidence carefully before rushing to judgement.
One of the ideas that creationists bandy about in tandem with the "young Earth theory" is that global warming is not due to human activity. Since they believe that dinosaurs and humans occupied our planet at the same time, clearly they might be right.
One of the most potent greenhouse gases is methane, a gas found in flatulence. Humans (with the exception of a few people I know) do not generally produce all that much of this gas. The occasional hiss and squeak in faculty meetings, for example, could not possibly create more than a few cubic centimeters of global warming gases even if the meeting goes on for hours and Prof. K. is in attendance. A jumbo-jet full of gassy seat cushions would not equal the output of even one cow.
It is a well-known fact that flatulence and burps from cows contribute to global warming, but in a world that is only about 6000 years old, this can only be a minor factor. On the other hand, dinosaurs must have been around with humans AND cows for a long time in the early years of our planet, even surviving the flood of Noah's ark fame. A large cow, weighing in at about one ton, is estimated to produce about 1000 liters of heat-trapping methane and other gases per day!
Dinosaurs, on the other hand, could be as large as 50 or even 100 tons!
Tyrannosaurus Rex, for example, weighed in at about 7 tons. It's diet consisted largely of meat which it consumed in large gulps without proper chewing. Not chewing your food thoroughly can result in flatulence and other bowel problems such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. For T-Rex this ill-mannered way of eating necessarily put a lot of the food-processing responsibility on its digestive tract, resulting in copious amounts of greenhouse gases being vented into the atmosphere. The IBS must also have put it in a cranky mood. The appearance of a cranky and gassy T-Rex must have been a real scare for the people of the time!
Consider also a large plant eating dinosaur such as a sauropod which could weigh as much as 100 large cows and probably produce 100 times as much gas! Imagine, one animal spewing out 100,000 liters of gas a day! It would be eligible for membership in OPEC. The sauropods are thought to have traveled in vast herds, much like cattle today, eating enormous amounts of vegetation (probably becoming real pests for people and their farms) and farting up a storm. Clearly their flatulence would have been a much more potent influence on global warming, not to mention the dangers of having them around open campfires where humans were trying to cook their food. A passing herd and its accompanying cloud of gas could result in a phenomenon not unlike a fuel-air explosive. I am surprised we have not found large scorched areas in the sedimentary record, but maybe they remain to be discovered by scientific investigators from the creation science organizations.
As ancient records show, the dinosaurs disappeared from the planet before recorded history. There are pictures of crocodiles in Egyptian art, for example; they were even considered gods, but none of T-Rex. So we know that the dinosaurs were gone before humans learned to write and draw. There are no cave drawings of the dinosaurs either. We can be relieved, therefore, to know that the global warming that was accelerated by their various gases will also drop off in the years ahead. Unless, of course, too many humans like Prof. K. come to inhabit our small, blue world.
One of the ideas that creationists bandy about in tandem with the "young Earth theory" is that global warming is not due to human activity. Since they believe that dinosaurs and humans occupied our planet at the same time, clearly they might be right.
One of the most potent greenhouse gases is methane, a gas found in flatulence. Humans (with the exception of a few people I know) do not generally produce all that much of this gas. The occasional hiss and squeak in faculty meetings, for example, could not possibly create more than a few cubic centimeters of global warming gases even if the meeting goes on for hours and Prof. K. is in attendance. A jumbo-jet full of gassy seat cushions would not equal the output of even one cow.
It is a well-known fact that flatulence and burps from cows contribute to global warming, but in a world that is only about 6000 years old, this can only be a minor factor. On the other hand, dinosaurs must have been around with humans AND cows for a long time in the early years of our planet, even surviving the flood of Noah's ark fame. A large cow, weighing in at about one ton, is estimated to produce about 1000 liters of heat-trapping methane and other gases per day!
Dinosaurs, on the other hand, could be as large as 50 or even 100 tons!
Tyrannosaurus Rex, for example, weighed in at about 7 tons. It's diet consisted largely of meat which it consumed in large gulps without proper chewing. Not chewing your food thoroughly can result in flatulence and other bowel problems such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. For T-Rex this ill-mannered way of eating necessarily put a lot of the food-processing responsibility on its digestive tract, resulting in copious amounts of greenhouse gases being vented into the atmosphere. The IBS must also have put it in a cranky mood. The appearance of a cranky and gassy T-Rex must have been a real scare for the people of the time!
Consider also a large plant eating dinosaur such as a sauropod which could weigh as much as 100 large cows and probably produce 100 times as much gas! Imagine, one animal spewing out 100,000 liters of gas a day! It would be eligible for membership in OPEC. The sauropods are thought to have traveled in vast herds, much like cattle today, eating enormous amounts of vegetation (probably becoming real pests for people and their farms) and farting up a storm. Clearly their flatulence would have been a much more potent influence on global warming, not to mention the dangers of having them around open campfires where humans were trying to cook their food. A passing herd and its accompanying cloud of gas could result in a phenomenon not unlike a fuel-air explosive. I am surprised we have not found large scorched areas in the sedimentary record, but maybe they remain to be discovered by scientific investigators from the creation science organizations.
As ancient records show, the dinosaurs disappeared from the planet before recorded history. There are pictures of crocodiles in Egyptian art, for example; they were even considered gods, but none of T-Rex. So we know that the dinosaurs were gone before humans learned to write and draw. There are no cave drawings of the dinosaurs either. We can be relieved, therefore, to know that the global warming that was accelerated by their various gases will also drop off in the years ahead. Unless, of course, too many humans like Prof. K. come to inhabit our small, blue world.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Labor Day
Today is Labor Day in the US, so in respect for those who are laboring and/or in labor or even in the Labour Party, I will also take the day off rather than belabor everyone with some quickly whipped up nonsense.
Cheers!
Cheers!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Fat 101
If you visit or live in America for any length of time, you quickly come to realize that Americans are profoundly concerned about fat. By "fat" I do not refer to the four Swedens of blubber America collectively carries around on its butt, but rather the fat that we ingest. This is prominently shown on food labels and as a public service, I will explain what these food labels mean.
First of all, so anxious are Americans about the fat that they ingest that you can see the words "Non-Fat" prominently labeled on 100% fruit jams, berries, and other unlikely products. These labels must be ignored as they have no bearing on our discussion today.
Many products do contain fat, however, and it is essential to know which of these fats you are buying, as some are good for you and others will stop your heart, probably in the check-out line at the supermarket. Supermarket personnel are notoriously unresponsive to handling medical emergencies, continuing to place food into the freezers while a customer beside them collapses on the floor and has a seizure. Eventually the customer also gets put into the freezer when the worker gets to the bottom of the pile.
The vocabulary is where we start, and we don't want to get hung up on technical jargon but rather make everything easy to understand for the layman.
There are two kinds of fat that we eat: you have your saturated fats and your unsaturated fats. There are also trans-fats. Wait, that makes three types of fat. OK, so we have three types of fats.
First let's look at the saturated fats. The reason they are called "saturated" is because they are so full of fat it oozes from every pore. These fats are the ones with serious (maybe even fatal) thigh friction issues. Putting them in an easy-to-grasp term, such as global populations, if saturated fats were people, these would be the Americans of the fat world. They waddle around in your system, sitting down out of breath whenever they get the chance, but worst of all get caught in the turnstiles and doorways of your arteries and veins. This really plugs things up and important things like oxygen cannot make it to your brain. We have all seen terrible examples of this phenomenon; Dick Cheney springs to mind.
The unsaturated fats are lean fats. I know this sounds like an oxymoron, but compared to the saturated fats, they are. Using our global population example above, the unsaturated fats would be your Asians and other thinner populations. The unsaturated fats have less fat oozing from their pores, because – duh – they have not reached the saturation point yet.
It would be convenient if we could wrap this explanation up right here, but unfortunately the real world is just not that simple. Ask former Prime Minister Kan. I am sure he can give you an earful about that! But I digress.
The world of unsaturated fats is divided into the monounsaturated and the polyunsaturated. Mammals have a lot of the latter while reptiles have a lot of the former. As you will remember from your elementary school English classes, "mono" means "one" as in monogamy, or monotheistic. These fats have only one fat in them. Like reptiles, they are very lean indeed. "Poly", as you will also recall, means "more than one" as in polyandry, or polytheistic. These fats have more than one fat in them but not so many as to be "saturated". These fats also have more fun.
Finally, we must talk about the trans-fats. These fats are the middle men in the bipolar world of saturated and unsaturated fats. For that reason, nobody likes them. In America, labels are very proud to claim 0% trans-fats on everything from cookies to automobiles. Even restaurant menus are exclaiming how they are completely free of anything even CLOSELY resembling a trans-fat. So never mind that there might be 6000 calories in the dinner you just ordered; you can rest assured that none of the vicious trans-fats will attack your heart.
I hope this explanation of the fatty world has been helpful. Next week we might take on the daunting task of explaining the difference between "good cholesterol" and "bad cholesterol" so long as the steak I am barbecuing tonight does not kill me before then.
First of all, so anxious are Americans about the fat that they ingest that you can see the words "Non-Fat" prominently labeled on 100% fruit jams, berries, and other unlikely products. These labels must be ignored as they have no bearing on our discussion today.
Many products do contain fat, however, and it is essential to know which of these fats you are buying, as some are good for you and others will stop your heart, probably in the check-out line at the supermarket. Supermarket personnel are notoriously unresponsive to handling medical emergencies, continuing to place food into the freezers while a customer beside them collapses on the floor and has a seizure. Eventually the customer also gets put into the freezer when the worker gets to the bottom of the pile.
The vocabulary is where we start, and we don't want to get hung up on technical jargon but rather make everything easy to understand for the layman.
There are two kinds of fat that we eat: you have your saturated fats and your unsaturated fats. There are also trans-fats. Wait, that makes three types of fat. OK, so we have three types of fats.
First let's look at the saturated fats. The reason they are called "saturated" is because they are so full of fat it oozes from every pore. These fats are the ones with serious (maybe even fatal) thigh friction issues. Putting them in an easy-to-grasp term, such as global populations, if saturated fats were people, these would be the Americans of the fat world. They waddle around in your system, sitting down out of breath whenever they get the chance, but worst of all get caught in the turnstiles and doorways of your arteries and veins. This really plugs things up and important things like oxygen cannot make it to your brain. We have all seen terrible examples of this phenomenon; Dick Cheney springs to mind.
The unsaturated fats are lean fats. I know this sounds like an oxymoron, but compared to the saturated fats, they are. Using our global population example above, the unsaturated fats would be your Asians and other thinner populations. The unsaturated fats have less fat oozing from their pores, because – duh – they have not reached the saturation point yet.
It would be convenient if we could wrap this explanation up right here, but unfortunately the real world is just not that simple. Ask former Prime Minister Kan. I am sure he can give you an earful about that! But I digress.
The world of unsaturated fats is divided into the monounsaturated and the polyunsaturated. Mammals have a lot of the latter while reptiles have a lot of the former. As you will remember from your elementary school English classes, "mono" means "one" as in monogamy, or monotheistic. These fats have only one fat in them. Like reptiles, they are very lean indeed. "Poly", as you will also recall, means "more than one" as in polyandry, or polytheistic. These fats have more than one fat in them but not so many as to be "saturated". These fats also have more fun.
Finally, we must talk about the trans-fats. These fats are the middle men in the bipolar world of saturated and unsaturated fats. For that reason, nobody likes them. In America, labels are very proud to claim 0% trans-fats on everything from cookies to automobiles. Even restaurant menus are exclaiming how they are completely free of anything even CLOSELY resembling a trans-fat. So never mind that there might be 6000 calories in the dinner you just ordered; you can rest assured that none of the vicious trans-fats will attack your heart.
I hope this explanation of the fatty world has been helpful. Next week we might take on the daunting task of explaining the difference between "good cholesterol" and "bad cholesterol" so long as the steak I am barbecuing tonight does not kill me before then.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Five Ways Not to be Dead (advice for seniors)
As we age and watch our bodies and minds decay, we cannot help but think about the end of our existence. What will it be like? Will we fly into the light like in the movies or simply have the switch flicked off?
Unknowable stuff. And depressing to even contemplate.
But we DON'T need others around us thinking, "How old is Jimmy, anyway? Shouldn't he shuffle off to his reward?"
What you really want to avoid is people thinking you are dead when you are not.
Apparently this happens all the time; guy has a sneezing fit and collapses and then wakes up in the morgue! The family all says, "We thought he was dead!"
Yeah... right.
They were LOOKING for the opportunity to declare the guy dead. I can see it clearly.
SCENARIO
Husband: Something in the air today, don't you think? I have been sneezing all day! What IS that? Pollen?
Wife: I don't notice anything....
Husband: Yeah... sneezing a lot is all... what's on the tube this evening anyway? . . . . . AH CHOOOOO!!!
(falls down and lies there for a little while)
Wife: QUICK! KIDS! Your father is finally dead. We need to load him on the truck and take him to the morgue.
[at the morgue]
Coroner: What have we got here?
Wife: My husband (sniffle sniffle)... he passed away just an hour ago. And I thought he would outlive me! (cries ostentatiously)
Coroner: Let's have a look. Say... you don't have anything to drink with you, do you?
Wife: Drink? Um.... I do have this bottle of vodka... unopened. You want some of this? It was... his... (cries again).
Coroner: Whoa! Stoli! My fave. Yes, thank you. OK. I need to do some tests here. Y'all stand back, OK? (opens bottle and swigs several times directly from the bottle)
Hmm... he definitely looks deceased. What did you say happened?
Wife: He had a kind of fit and fell over.
Coroner: OK. Good enough. I will say it was a heart attack. May I keep the bottle?
Wife: Oh sure. I don't drink.
Husband wakes up the next morning with hypothermia in the morgue.
We seniors need to be on our guard just in case people around us might think that we have passed our "best by" date.
So – once again, as a public service – I would like to give back to the community and provide helpful hints to seniors as to how not to have this happen to them.
Obviously, the basic principle is to not appear to be dead. This is often not as easy as it seems; we take naps, we fade off in our chairs in the evening. It's easy to see how grandpa might not seem to be breathing sometimes. So we need to take precautions.
1. The Favorite Chair Scenario
Clearly drifting off in your favorite chair in the evening is an open invitation for those around you to say, "Hey! He looks dead to me! Let's truck him over to the dump!" So you need to take precautions. I am recommending handcuffs. They are cheap and they will affix you to your chair so that the pesky relatives cannot easily schlep you to the dump.
2. The Afternoon Nap Scenario
Napping is a vulnerable time for us seniors. Some of us bellow and snort with sleep noises, but others are silent and – worse – stretched out in "abnormal" positions that suggest "DEAD DEAD DEAD!!" to the relatives. You need to take precautions against this. First, look around at the place where you nap. Imagine your sleeping form there; does it look deceased? You need to change it. Hold a book and sit halfway upright in bed with open eyes painted on your eyelids, for example. This will convince people that you are reading. Record your snoring friends and play the sounds when you are sleeping. This will also make your relatives stop at the door and wait for other opportunities.
3. The Narcolepsy or Sneezing Collapse Scenario
We seniors are frail and suffer from a lot of disabilities. The drugs we take alone would be enough to turn most young people into pillars of salt. Suddenly things happen to us and it is easy for those around us to "mistake" this for death.
Charming Kids: "Mom! Mom! What's wrong with Grandpa! He sneezed or something and now he is not moving!!"
Mom: He's dead! Help me carry him to the truck.
You need to think about this in advance. Wear a bracelet that says in several languages (this could – and often does – happen while traveling abroad), "I AM NOT DEAD!"
4. The "Dying" While Traveling Scenario
Many relatives will take you on an arduous trip. We seniors are vulnerable to this as we don't like to admit we cannot do the things we used to do; we pretend we are as strong as ever.
Wife: Honey? Does the thin air here at Everest Base Camp bother you?
Husband: (struggling to revive his cardiopulmonary system) GAR! GESSHHH! I.... am.... fine..... no.... problem.
Often it is more than a senior can take right away and he faints. Naturally this is looked at as an opportunity.
Wife: OMG! Harry! Are you OK?!! HARRY!! SPEAK TO ME!!! GUIDE!! HEY! Harry has fainted or something... help me!
Guide: The monks in the Jokhang Monastery would often fast for days.... what?
Wife: My husband... he has fainted.
Guide: You want coffee?
Wife: No... he is sick, ill.
Guide: I bring breakfast. You wait here.
Wife: No! I need a doctor. An ambulance!!! Hurry PLEASE!
Guide: We have, we have! I bring special perfumes for you! My cousin! He make the very best! You wait here. [Guide runs off to get cousin].
Of course, the next stop is the crematorium.
5. Don't Get Cremated Scenario
Being mistaken for dead is bad enough, but then what often happens is, rather than letting you sleep it off in the morgue, they rush out and cremate you. Now is THAT a drag or what? There is no recovery from that, so it is imperative that you prevent this from happening. There are some steps you can take. First, say you are Jewish. This makes cremation difficult. Another thing is to wear a bracelet that says you have a plutonium implant in your body. Cremation of radioactive materials is illegal in most places. These steps will allow for enough time for you to wake up in the morgue.
You: WTF?! Where AM I.
Morgue Attendant: (turning pale) 你死了！(You are dead!)
You: It's freaking cold in here. Can I get some coffee or something? What is this hotel anyway?
MA: 我必须去。(I have to go.) [runs out]
There are other things to do as well of course: eat healthy food, don't smoke, moderate your drinking (yeah...right), and so on, but the five tips above will ensure that in that emergency moment you can keep your relatives from deciding you are deceased and guarantee that you live another day!
Unknowable stuff. And depressing to even contemplate.
But we DON'T need others around us thinking, "How old is Jimmy, anyway? Shouldn't he shuffle off to his reward?"
What you really want to avoid is people thinking you are dead when you are not.
Apparently this happens all the time; guy has a sneezing fit and collapses and then wakes up in the morgue! The family all says, "We thought he was dead!"
Yeah... right.
They were LOOKING for the opportunity to declare the guy dead. I can see it clearly.
SCENARIO
Husband: Something in the air today, don't you think? I have been sneezing all day! What IS that? Pollen?
Wife: I don't notice anything....
Husband: Yeah... sneezing a lot is all... what's on the tube this evening anyway? . . . . . AH CHOOOOO!!!
(falls down and lies there for a little while)
Wife: QUICK! KIDS! Your father is finally dead. We need to load him on the truck and take him to the morgue.
[at the morgue]
Coroner: What have we got here?
Wife: My husband (sniffle sniffle)... he passed away just an hour ago. And I thought he would outlive me! (cries ostentatiously)
Coroner: Let's have a look. Say... you don't have anything to drink with you, do you?
Wife: Drink? Um.... I do have this bottle of vodka... unopened. You want some of this? It was... his... (cries again).
Coroner: Whoa! Stoli! My fave. Yes, thank you. OK. I need to do some tests here. Y'all stand back, OK? (opens bottle and swigs several times directly from the bottle)
Hmm... he definitely looks deceased. What did you say happened?
Wife: He had a kind of fit and fell over.
Coroner: OK. Good enough. I will say it was a heart attack. May I keep the bottle?
Wife: Oh sure. I don't drink.
Husband wakes up the next morning with hypothermia in the morgue.
We seniors need to be on our guard just in case people around us might think that we have passed our "best by" date.
So – once again, as a public service – I would like to give back to the community and provide helpful hints to seniors as to how not to have this happen to them.
Obviously, the basic principle is to not appear to be dead. This is often not as easy as it seems; we take naps, we fade off in our chairs in the evening. It's easy to see how grandpa might not seem to be breathing sometimes. So we need to take precautions.
1. The Favorite Chair Scenario
Clearly drifting off in your favorite chair in the evening is an open invitation for those around you to say, "Hey! He looks dead to me! Let's truck him over to the dump!" So you need to take precautions. I am recommending handcuffs. They are cheap and they will affix you to your chair so that the pesky relatives cannot easily schlep you to the dump.
2. The Afternoon Nap Scenario
Napping is a vulnerable time for us seniors. Some of us bellow and snort with sleep noises, but others are silent and – worse – stretched out in "abnormal" positions that suggest "DEAD DEAD DEAD!!" to the relatives. You need to take precautions against this. First, look around at the place where you nap. Imagine your sleeping form there; does it look deceased? You need to change it. Hold a book and sit halfway upright in bed with open eyes painted on your eyelids, for example. This will convince people that you are reading. Record your snoring friends and play the sounds when you are sleeping. This will also make your relatives stop at the door and wait for other opportunities.
3. The Narcolepsy or Sneezing Collapse Scenario
We seniors are frail and suffer from a lot of disabilities. The drugs we take alone would be enough to turn most young people into pillars of salt. Suddenly things happen to us and it is easy for those around us to "mistake" this for death.
Charming Kids: "Mom! Mom! What's wrong with Grandpa! He sneezed or something and now he is not moving!!"
Mom: He's dead! Help me carry him to the truck.
You need to think about this in advance. Wear a bracelet that says in several languages (this could – and often does – happen while traveling abroad), "I AM NOT DEAD!"
4. The "Dying" While Traveling Scenario
Many relatives will take you on an arduous trip. We seniors are vulnerable to this as we don't like to admit we cannot do the things we used to do; we pretend we are as strong as ever.
Wife: Honey? Does the thin air here at Everest Base Camp bother you?
Husband: (struggling to revive his cardiopulmonary system) GAR! GESSHHH! I.... am.... fine..... no.... problem.
Often it is more than a senior can take right away and he faints. Naturally this is looked at as an opportunity.
Wife: OMG! Harry! Are you OK?!! HARRY!! SPEAK TO ME!!! GUIDE!! HEY! Harry has fainted or something... help me!
Guide: The monks in the Jokhang Monastery would often fast for days.... what?
Wife: My husband... he has fainted.
Guide: You want coffee?
Wife: No... he is sick, ill.
Guide: I bring breakfast. You wait here.
Wife: No! I need a doctor. An ambulance!!! Hurry PLEASE!
Guide: We have, we have! I bring special perfumes for you! My cousin! He make the very best! You wait here. [Guide runs off to get cousin].
Of course, the next stop is the crematorium.
5. Don't Get Cremated Scenario
Being mistaken for dead is bad enough, but then what often happens is, rather than letting you sleep it off in the morgue, they rush out and cremate you. Now is THAT a drag or what? There is no recovery from that, so it is imperative that you prevent this from happening. There are some steps you can take. First, say you are Jewish. This makes cremation difficult. Another thing is to wear a bracelet that says you have a plutonium implant in your body. Cremation of radioactive materials is illegal in most places. These steps will allow for enough time for you to wake up in the morgue.
You: WTF?! Where AM I.
Morgue Attendant: (turning pale) 你死了！(You are dead!)
You: It's freaking cold in here. Can I get some coffee or something? What is this hotel anyway?
MA: 我必须去。(I have to go.) [runs out]
There are other things to do as well of course: eat healthy food, don't smoke, moderate your drinking (yeah...right), and so on, but the five tips above will ensure that in that emergency moment you can keep your relatives from deciding you are deceased and guarantee that you live another day!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Guess That Thing answers
How to Score
90 ~ 100% correct
You should consult your mental health professional.
70 ~ 89% correct
You could get a job in a Japanese marketing company
50 ~ 69% correct
Definitely been in Japan too long
26 ~ 49%
Fairly normal if you live in Japan; a little odd if you don't
0 ~ 25%
Random guessing would get you 25%.
1. Freed
a. sugarless gum
b. car*
c. flea & tick medicine for cats
d. dish washing liquid
2. Latte
a. canned coffee drink
b. body soap
c. skin cream
d. car*
3. Hi-Soft
a. cigarettes
b. light bulb
c. condom
d. caramels*
4. UFO
a. car
b. earphones
c. cup noodle*
d. dish washing liquid
5. Blendy Stick
a. manual transmission Blendy (car name)
b. instant coffee in stick form*
c. stick cookie
d. condom
6. LEE
a. jeans
b. hair growth shampoo
c. laundry detergent
d. curry*
7. Pakyni (don't ask me to pronounce it)
a. curry
b. car
c. stick cookie*
d. body soap
8. Pucca
a. wool mittens
b. anti-diarrhea medicine
c. cookies*
d. car
9. Cratz
a. cheese crackers*
b. car
c. bath soap
d. deodorant
10. O'Zack
a. potato chips*
b. dish washing liquid
c. beer
d. minty body lotion
11. *Zest
a. car*
b. shampoo
c. high vitamin C drink
d. laundry detergent
12. Glamorous Butterfly
a. condom*
b. car
c. chocolate candy
d. dish washing liquid
13. Hot Cap
a. canned alcoholic drink
b. pepper sauce
c. condom*
d. chemical hand warmer
14. Every
a. chocolate drink
b. car*
c. cigarettes
d. men's shampoo
15. Body Shot
a. coffee drink*
b. condom
c. body soap
d. hair treatment
16. Crunky Ball Nude
a. condom
b. chocolate ball-type candy*
c. dish washing liquid
d. shampoo
17. Silky Black
a. black condom
b. hair-tint rinse (black)
c. dark chocolate
d. black coffee drink*
90 ~ 100% correct
You should consult your mental health professional.
70 ~ 89% correct
You could get a job in a Japanese marketing company
50 ~ 69% correct
Definitely been in Japan too long
26 ~ 49%
Fairly normal if you live in Japan; a little odd if you don't
0 ~ 25%
Random guessing would get you 25%.
1. Freed
a. sugarless gum
b. car*
c. flea & tick medicine for cats
d. dish washing liquid
2. Latte
a. canned coffee drink
b. body soap
c. skin cream
d. car*
3. Hi-Soft
a. cigarettes
b. light bulb
c. condom
d. caramels*
4. UFO
a. car
b. earphones
c. cup noodle*
d. dish washing liquid
5. Blendy Stick
a. manual transmission Blendy (car name)
b. instant coffee in stick form*
c. stick cookie
d. condom
6. LEE
a. jeans
b. hair growth shampoo
c. laundry detergent
d. curry*
7. Pakyni (don't ask me to pronounce it)
a. curry
b. car
c. stick cookie*
d. body soap
8. Pucca
a. wool mittens
b. anti-diarrhea medicine
c. cookies*
d. car
9. Cratz
a. cheese crackers*
b. car
c. bath soap
d. deodorant
10. O'Zack
a. potato chips*
b. dish washing liquid
c. beer
d. minty body lotion
11. *Zest
a. car*
b. shampoo
c. high vitamin C drink
d. laundry detergent
12. Glamorous Butterfly
a. condom*
b. car
c. chocolate candy
d. dish washing liquid
13. Hot Cap
a. canned alcoholic drink
b. pepper sauce
c. condom*
d. chemical hand warmer
14. Every
a. chocolate drink
b. car*
c. cigarettes
d. men's shampoo
15. Body Shot
a. coffee drink*
b. condom
c. body soap
d. hair treatment
16. Crunky Ball Nude
a. condom
b. chocolate ball-type candy*
c. dish washing liquid
d. shampoo
17. Silky Black
a. black condom
b. hair-tint rinse (black)
c. dark chocolate
d. black coffee drink*
Monday, August 8, 2011
Guess That Thing!
I had thought at first I would write cleverly about how the political systems of Japan and the US – each completely dysfunctional in its own culture – might be profitably exchanged. You know... the Japanese system of incompetent and weak-willed idiots could go to the US Congress and the incompetent and strong-willed boneheads in the US Congress could go to Japan. Each group – out of its everyday culture and milieu – would be able to take advantage of cultural differences and bring about a speedy and brilliant success.
Alas, it is painful to realize that simply exchanging morons will not help matters at all. In fact, taking them away from the security of their own political and domestic culture would only increase the amount of drool the janitors would have to mop up.
SOOooooo.... instead, since one of my early blogs a year ago was a "Guess That Thing" quiz of Japanese items with English names, I thought now would be a good time to make another one, a sort of anniversary quiz. It might even elevate our minds a bit, away from thinking about politics!
All the items below have the names just as you see them here; they are written in Roman letters, not Japanese. I will provide the answers next week.
1. Freed
a. sugarless gum
b. car
c. flea & tick medicine for cats
d. dish washing liquid
2. Latte
a. canned coffee drink
b. body soap
c. skin cream
d. car
3. Hi-Soft
a. cigarettes
b. light bulb
c. condom
d. caramels
4. UFO
a. car
b. earphones
c. cup noodle
d. dish washing liquid
5. Blendy Stick
a. manual transmission Blendy (car name)
b. instant coffee in stick form
c. stick cookie
d. condom
6. LEE
a. jeans
b. hair growth shampoo
c. laundry detergent
d. curry
7. Pakyni (don't ask me to pronounce it)
a. curry
b. car
c. stick cookie
d. body soap
8. Pucca
a. wool mittens
b. anti-diarrhea medicine
c. cookies
d. car
9. Cratz
a. cheese crackers
b. car
c. bath soap
d. deodorant
10. O'Zack
a. potato chips
b. dish washing liquid
c. beer
d. minty body lotion
11. Zest
a. car
b. shampoo
c. high vitamin C drink
d. laundry detergent
12. Glamorous Butterfly
a. condom
b. car
c. chocolate candy
d. dish washing liquid
13. Hot Cap
a. canned alcoholic drink
b. pepper sauce
c. condom
d. chemical hand warmer
14. Every
a. chocolate drink
b. car
c. cigarettes
d. men's shampoo
15. Body Shot
a. coffee drink
b. condom
c. body soap
d. hair treatment
16. Crunky Ball Nude
a. condom
b. chocolate ball-type candy
c. dish washing liquid
d. shampoo
17. Silky Black
a. black condom
b. hair-tint rinse (black)
c. dark chocolate
d. black coffee drink
Alas, it is painful to realize that simply exchanging morons will not help matters at all. In fact, taking them away from the security of their own political and domestic culture would only increase the amount of drool the janitors would have to mop up.
SOOooooo.... instead, since one of my early blogs a year ago was a "Guess That Thing" quiz of Japanese items with English names, I thought now would be a good time to make another one, a sort of anniversary quiz. It might even elevate our minds a bit, away from thinking about politics!
All the items below have the names just as you see them here; they are written in Roman letters, not Japanese. I will provide the answers next week.
1. Freed
a. sugarless gum
b. car
c. flea & tick medicine for cats
d. dish washing liquid
2. Latte
a. canned coffee drink
b. body soap
c. skin cream
d. car
3. Hi-Soft
a. cigarettes
b. light bulb
c. condom
d. caramels
4. UFO
a. car
b. earphones
c. cup noodle
d. dish washing liquid
5. Blendy Stick
a. manual transmission Blendy (car name)
b. instant coffee in stick form
c. stick cookie
d. condom
6. LEE
a. jeans
b. hair growth shampoo
c. laundry detergent
d. curry
7. Pakyni (don't ask me to pronounce it)
a. curry
b. car
c. stick cookie
d. body soap
8. Pucca
a. wool mittens
b. anti-diarrhea medicine
c. cookies
d. car
9. Cratz
a. cheese crackers
b. car
c. bath soap
d. deodorant
10. O'Zack
a. potato chips
b. dish washing liquid
c. beer
d. minty body lotion
11. Zest
a. car
b. shampoo
c. high vitamin C drink
d. laundry detergent
12. Glamorous Butterfly
a. condom
b. car
c. chocolate candy
d. dish washing liquid
13. Hot Cap
a. canned alcoholic drink
b. pepper sauce
c. condom
d. chemical hand warmer
14. Every
a. chocolate drink
b. car
c. cigarettes
d. men's shampoo
15. Body Shot
a. coffee drink
b. condom
c. body soap
d. hair treatment
16. Crunky Ball Nude
a. condom
b. chocolate ball-type candy
c. dish washing liquid
d. shampoo
17. Silky Black
a. black condom
b. hair-tint rinse (black)
c. dark chocolate
d. black coffee drink
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