A Hipcat's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the pad
Not a cool cat was restless
and that wasn't bad!
The nighttime was quiet –
Like out on a farm –
But soon, in a flash,
I sat up in alarm.
Overhead on the rooftop
Something slithered or crawled.
I grabbed a big candle
And gazed upward, appalled.
The roof timbers squeaked loudly
And distressingly groaned,
And when I saw what was up there,
I thought I was stoned.
It was weird, man, a freakout,
It was a funny, old dude
and reindeer, or horses
or something that "moo"-ed.
This dude was in red, man,
I kid you guys not,
He was fat and quite jolly
(from a pipeful of pot?)
He came in through the window
His hair flowing like fleece.
He winked and laughed loudly;
I called the police.
"I'm Santa!" He bellowed,
As they hauled him away
With his boxes and creatures,
And rusty, red sleigh.
"Sure, you are Santa,"
Said cops, rolling their eyes,
"We could tell it was you,
even with your disguise."
The cops reassured me
That all was all right.
One even said, "Merry Christmas, Bud,
And have a good night."
Epilogue:
So I will have my nice Christmas –
Perhaps a white one again –
Free from one crackpot robber
Who's serving seven to ten.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Homeless Count
In a previous post,we discovered how the National Police Agency in Japan keeps a detailed account of how many motorcycle gang members there are around the nation. It's important to keep an accurate score in Japan, so I was not so surprised to read that according to a recent article related to homeless people, the Japanese government's Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare was quoted as saying that there are 8,265 homeless people in Japan. Not wanting to take this report from the Times of India at face value, I checked on the Ministry's website and found that in 2009 they calculated that there were 15,759 homeless people in the nation, down from 25,296 in 2003.
As with the motorcycle gang members, the data seems incredibly precise, so – as a hard-hitting news hound – I thought it would be important to find out how they were able to get such accurate data.
I called in and made an appointment at the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare to talk to someone about this question. They set me up with a Mr. Chosa, Sub-Assistant Databank Controller.
His secretary escorted me to his office and introduced me.
Mr. Chosa: Oh! They didn't say anything about a foreigner.
Me: Uh... should I come back as someone else later?
Mr. Chosa Ha ha! No, please sit down (points to a large, overstuffed chair in front of his desk). What can I do for you?
Me: I have a question about the number of homeless in Japan.
Mr. Chosa: Sure, sure... go ahead!
Me: A recent article stated that there are 8,265 homeless people in the whole country – this in comparison to more than 600,000 in the US which only has about 3 times the population of Japan.
Mr. Chosa: Yes, it is a serious problem in the United States.
Me: But what I was wondering is how you can come up with such a precise figure. I mean, why is it 8,265 homeless people and not 8,264 or 8,266 people?
Mr. Chosa: (looking at me like I have a learning disability) We know how to count here in Japan. Our students regularly score at the top of the ratings in international comparative math examinations. (He looks at me as if that answers the question.)
Me: I see... so how DO you actually count them to get such a precise figure?
Mr. Chosa: With counters. Maybe you have seen people using these at sports events and so on? They stand outside the entrances and click the counters for each person who enters? It's not a high-tech thing (he raises his eyebrows as if I might think they were).
Me: So you send people out to count them?
Mr. Chosa: Sure. It's a very demanding job, and we have to hire a lot of people to do the work.
Me: But there are homeless people everywhere. I have seen them, living along the river in my rural community. How can you possibly count them all?
Mr. Chosa: Like I said, it's very demanding. We need to canvas all of the likely places and cross-check and so on... it's not easy (he bowed his head as if he – personally – had suffered from the difficulty of it).
Me: Cross-checking! I was going to ask about that. How could you be sure you weren't counting people more than one time.
Mr. Chosa: Yes, that is a very important part of our work.
Me: So who do you hire to do this work of counting all the homeless.
Mr. Chosa: (looking at me like I was deprived of oxygen as a fetus) The homeless, of course.
Me: You hire homeless people to count homeless people?
Mr. Chosa: Who better?
Me: So how do you cross-check their results to make sure they are not counting people several times.
Mr. Chosa: It's easy. We have them all come into one of our public facilities and compare notes. It takes days.
Me: Do they count themselves then too?
Mr. Chosa: Of course not. While they are in the public facilities they are not homeless, so they do not count themselves. That's part of the deal.
Me: Ah... so Japan's homeless rate is so low despite a struggling economy.....
Mr. Chosa: What are you implying?
Me: Nothing... nothing.... thank you very much for your time.
Mr. Chosa: We here at the Welfare Ministry are always happy to help.
As with the motorcycle gang members, the data seems incredibly precise, so – as a hard-hitting news hound – I thought it would be important to find out how they were able to get such accurate data.
I called in and made an appointment at the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare to talk to someone about this question. They set me up with a Mr. Chosa, Sub-Assistant Databank Controller.
His secretary escorted me to his office and introduced me.
Mr. Chosa: Oh! They didn't say anything about a foreigner.
Me: Uh... should I come back as someone else later?
Mr. Chosa Ha ha! No, please sit down (points to a large, overstuffed chair in front of his desk). What can I do for you?
Me: I have a question about the number of homeless in Japan.
Mr. Chosa: Sure, sure... go ahead!
Me: A recent article stated that there are 8,265 homeless people in the whole country – this in comparison to more than 600,000 in the US which only has about 3 times the population of Japan.
Mr. Chosa: Yes, it is a serious problem in the United States.
Me: But what I was wondering is how you can come up with such a precise figure. I mean, why is it 8,265 homeless people and not 8,264 or 8,266 people?
Mr. Chosa: (looking at me like I have a learning disability) We know how to count here in Japan. Our students regularly score at the top of the ratings in international comparative math examinations. (He looks at me as if that answers the question.)
Me: I see... so how DO you actually count them to get such a precise figure?
Mr. Chosa: With counters. Maybe you have seen people using these at sports events and so on? They stand outside the entrances and click the counters for each person who enters? It's not a high-tech thing (he raises his eyebrows as if I might think they were).
Me: So you send people out to count them?
Mr. Chosa: Sure. It's a very demanding job, and we have to hire a lot of people to do the work.
Me: But there are homeless people everywhere. I have seen them, living along the river in my rural community. How can you possibly count them all?
Mr. Chosa: Like I said, it's very demanding. We need to canvas all of the likely places and cross-check and so on... it's not easy (he bowed his head as if he – personally – had suffered from the difficulty of it).
Me: Cross-checking! I was going to ask about that. How could you be sure you weren't counting people more than one time.
Mr. Chosa: Yes, that is a very important part of our work.
Me: So who do you hire to do this work of counting all the homeless.
Mr. Chosa: (looking at me like I was deprived of oxygen as a fetus) The homeless, of course.
Me: You hire homeless people to count homeless people?
Mr. Chosa: Who better?
Me: So how do you cross-check their results to make sure they are not counting people several times.
Mr. Chosa: It's easy. We have them all come into one of our public facilities and compare notes. It takes days.
Me: Do they count themselves then too?
Mr. Chosa: Of course not. While they are in the public facilities they are not homeless, so they do not count themselves. That's part of the deal.
Me: Ah... so Japan's homeless rate is so low despite a struggling economy.....
Mr. Chosa: What are you implying?
Me: Nothing... nothing.... thank you very much for your time.
Mr. Chosa: We here at the Welfare Ministry are always happy to help.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Eucharist Goes Viral
Perhaps you have seen this report about the bishop who might have inadvertently given his parishioners hepatitis through the instrument of Holy Communion. Apparently the bishop got hepatitis himself while on a trip to Italy and brought it back to North Dakota unwittingly as an unwelcome souvenir. He seemed to have gotten it from contaminated food over there.
The worry is that in the giving of communion in four churches, he may have passed along the disease to members of the congregations. Parishioners are being warned by the Department of Health to be on the lookout for symptoms of the illness, which include "fever, tiredness, loss of appetite, nausea, abdominal discomfort, dark urine, pale stools or jaundice".
Sounds yucky.
As you may also be aware, the Roman Catholic Church believes in "transubstantiation". This is the belief that the bread and wine of Communion actually change into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. This enables the believer to become more like Jesus and to leave behind the sins that have led him or her away from God. Ignoring the "eww factor", we can guess that the worshipers at the churches in North Dakota were participating in just such a ritual.
The typical sacramental bread is in wafer form, unleavened and made only with water and wheat flour. The wafers were traditionally made in convents by nuns, but nowadays most are made and stamped by machine. Since wheat flour typically has gluten, the transubstantiation into the body of Christ removes any danger of gluten intolerance, proving the power of this belief.
As the wafers pass from manufacturer to distributor, from distributor to local church, from local church to the mouths of the faithful, they must pick up various "contaminants", dust, packaging molecules, and so on. Presumably these all turn into the body of Jesus upon consumption by the flocks of believers receiving them, since the priest holds up the wafer with "everything on it" and proclaims it to be the "body of Christ". Any believer would agree that the hepatitis along with everything else clinging to the wafer turns into the body of Jesus.
Clearly this is another example of government encroachment on religious rights of worship. The Department of Health in North Dakota, obviously under the godless influence of the Obama administration, is raising concerns that the Holy Eucharist might be contaminated with disease! Catholics should know that the alarm is being raised unnecessarily and that the faithful flocks in North Dakota have absolutely nothing to worry about.
The worry is that in the giving of communion in four churches, he may have passed along the disease to members of the congregations. Parishioners are being warned by the Department of Health to be on the lookout for symptoms of the illness, which include "fever, tiredness, loss of appetite, nausea, abdominal discomfort, dark urine, pale stools or jaundice".
Sounds yucky.
As you may also be aware, the Roman Catholic Church believes in "transubstantiation". This is the belief that the bread and wine of Communion actually change into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. This enables the believer to become more like Jesus and to leave behind the sins that have led him or her away from God. Ignoring the "eww factor", we can guess that the worshipers at the churches in North Dakota were participating in just such a ritual.
The typical sacramental bread is in wafer form, unleavened and made only with water and wheat flour. The wafers were traditionally made in convents by nuns, but nowadays most are made and stamped by machine. Since wheat flour typically has gluten, the transubstantiation into the body of Christ removes any danger of gluten intolerance, proving the power of this belief.
As the wafers pass from manufacturer to distributor, from distributor to local church, from local church to the mouths of the faithful, they must pick up various "contaminants", dust, packaging molecules, and so on. Presumably these all turn into the body of Jesus upon consumption by the flocks of believers receiving them, since the priest holds up the wafer with "everything on it" and proclaims it to be the "body of Christ". Any believer would agree that the hepatitis along with everything else clinging to the wafer turns into the body of Jesus.
Clearly this is another example of government encroachment on religious rights of worship. The Department of Health in North Dakota, obviously under the godless influence of the Obama administration, is raising concerns that the Holy Eucharist might be contaminated with disease! Catholics should know that the alarm is being raised unnecessarily and that the faithful flocks in North Dakota have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Hello~ Kitty! Zzzz...
Many of us who live with cats end up admiring their nonchalance, their somewhat cynical, life-worn attitudes and their incomparable ability to sleep so much. After all, what IS it that they do that makes them so tired all the time? Work? Ha! They have staff to do that for them.
Try to get your cat to fetch the newspaper or your slippers or even to guard your house against intruders. Hey... never mind intruders, how about guarding your house against rodents!
Cat: "What's that, a mouse? I could go over there and catch it, but I am cozy here in this puddle of sun, and if I get up, the warm spot will move and won't be so toasty anymore, and also I will have to actually walk over there, and the mouse will probably run away by then, and it's in the opposite direction of my food bowl, so I will have gotten up for nothing... (yawn) zzzzz."
So this is a never-ending question: why are cats so lethargic and how is it that they can spend so much time sleeping?
Science – as always – provides some clues. Recent research indicates that sleep helps to clear the brain of toxins, particularly those which may be responsible for Alzheimer's and other dementia-related illnesses. It would be fun to think that small "cleaner cells" are moving through the brain while we slumber, cleaning up "plaque" like over-weight park attendants with leaf blowers, but in fact that is not what is happening.
Apparently the whole brain shrinks in on itself, allowing brain fluids to wash out all the bad wastes. It's like a tidal function with the "land" receding rather than the "ocean" advancing. The brain in this receded state is apparently unable to carry on normal brain functions, and this – researchers claim – is one reason we go to sleep.
So fundamentally, sleep is good for us, good for our brains, and it may stand in the way of our developing debilitating dementia. Therefore, it is important to get enough sleep. This may seem simple enough, but once again research points out that how much shut-eye you might need is very idiosyncratic and not only varies from person-to-person but also within the same person's life, depending on what s/he is doing.
People of old used to sleep twice in a night and even referred to it as "first sleep/second sleep". They would doze off in the evening and then wake up in the middle of the night and actually DO things like visit friends or go to church.
While your friends might not appreciate you cheerily popping in with a bottle of wine at 1 AM, clearly we do need to change our whole attitude towards sleeping.
Do you wake up in the middle of the night and find it hard to go back to sleep again? Not to worry! You should go ahead and get up. Do something, like bake cookies or wash the car. When you feel tired again, you should return to bed and go back to sleep.
Do you feel guilty about taking that nap in the afternoon? Don't! That nap is helping to wash your brain clear of dangerous toxins that may give you a debilitating memory disease. In fact, you should take more naps! Why not have one in the morning AND one in the afternoon. You could call your "first sleep" in the evening a nap too, and your "second sleep" later another nap. Actually, you could call them all "cat naps".
Did you ever see a cat with Alzheimer's?
I rest my case.
Try to get your cat to fetch the newspaper or your slippers or even to guard your house against intruders. Hey... never mind intruders, how about guarding your house against rodents!
Cat: "What's that, a mouse? I could go over there and catch it, but I am cozy here in this puddle of sun, and if I get up, the warm spot will move and won't be so toasty anymore, and also I will have to actually walk over there, and the mouse will probably run away by then, and it's in the opposite direction of my food bowl, so I will have gotten up for nothing... (yawn) zzzzz."
So this is a never-ending question: why are cats so lethargic and how is it that they can spend so much time sleeping?
Science – as always – provides some clues. Recent research indicates that sleep helps to clear the brain of toxins, particularly those which may be responsible for Alzheimer's and other dementia-related illnesses. It would be fun to think that small "cleaner cells" are moving through the brain while we slumber, cleaning up "plaque" like over-weight park attendants with leaf blowers, but in fact that is not what is happening.
Apparently the whole brain shrinks in on itself, allowing brain fluids to wash out all the bad wastes. It's like a tidal function with the "land" receding rather than the "ocean" advancing. The brain in this receded state is apparently unable to carry on normal brain functions, and this – researchers claim – is one reason we go to sleep.
So fundamentally, sleep is good for us, good for our brains, and it may stand in the way of our developing debilitating dementia. Therefore, it is important to get enough sleep. This may seem simple enough, but once again research points out that how much shut-eye you might need is very idiosyncratic and not only varies from person-to-person but also within the same person's life, depending on what s/he is doing.
People of old used to sleep twice in a night and even referred to it as "first sleep/second sleep". They would doze off in the evening and then wake up in the middle of the night and actually DO things like visit friends or go to church.
While your friends might not appreciate you cheerily popping in with a bottle of wine at 1 AM, clearly we do need to change our whole attitude towards sleeping.
Do you wake up in the middle of the night and find it hard to go back to sleep again? Not to worry! You should go ahead and get up. Do something, like bake cookies or wash the car. When you feel tired again, you should return to bed and go back to sleep.
Do you feel guilty about taking that nap in the afternoon? Don't! That nap is helping to wash your brain clear of dangerous toxins that may give you a debilitating memory disease. In fact, you should take more naps! Why not have one in the morning AND one in the afternoon. You could call your "first sleep" in the evening a nap too, and your "second sleep" later another nap. Actually, you could call them all "cat naps".
Did you ever see a cat with Alzheimer's?
I rest my case.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Japanese Police "Crack Down" on Gangs Again!
As a hard-hitting news hound, I have reported here before about the National Police Agency (NPA Japan) and its battle with organized crime, the Yakuza (Japanese mafia). As I discovered, part of the NPA's serious effort has been to actively compete with the gangs for revenue as a way of reducing the flow of money into the coffers of the "bad guys".
With the 2020 Olympics scheduled to take place in Tokyo, organized crime is seeing a growth of opportunities for increasing its income. There are enormous construction projects to be parceled out, workers to be hired, sex workers to be enrolled and heaps of money to be made in shakedowns, extortion, kickbacks and out-and-out bribes.
Clearly the NPA cannot let all this go unchallenged and has to take a stand against organized crime by taking over many of these "businesses" for themselves.
No, I am not making this up.
I usually spend most of my time yucking it up in these posts, but sometimes it is important to probe and investigate – as the hard-hitting news hound that I am – to get to the bottom of the story and expose the behind-the-scenes information that I know you readers have come to depend on from me.
Once again, I arranged an interview with Assistant Vice-Director of Vice Control Lieutenant Wairo at the NPA.
Lt. Wairo (still dressed in his distinctive style): Oh, it's you again. Didn't you come and interview me a couple of years ago?
P: Yes, I did. We talked about the NPA's competition with organized crime for money from illegal businesses.
Lt. Wairo: Oh, right! I remember now. What can I do for you today?
P: Recently, I read that the NPA is once again trying to force the Yakuza to the sidelines by directly competing for positions in construction companies that will be building Olympic venues for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.
Lt. Wairo: Yes? And?
P: Well, I was hoping you could explain why the NPA is essentially moving to take over Yakuza activities that normally would be suppressed by many police agencies.
Lt. Wairo (sighing elaborately and stubbing his non-filter cigarette out abruptly) : I explained all this the last time you came here, but the Olympic decision definitely puts a new spin on things. Here in the NPA we have a lot of old-timers – basically, your baby-boomers (he looks at me meaningfully) – who are retiring in droves. Traditionally we have found post-retirement positions for them as advisers in the highway-sign companies and illegal gambling industry, but even though we are trying hard to increase signage and pushing for allowing casinos to operate, we still do not have enough openings for these retirees. The construction boom that is sure to take place here in Tokyo is obviously a good place for us to start.
P: Yes, you do need to find positions for these people, don't you.
Lt. Wairo: Exactly! And what better way to do it than to push the gangsters out at the same time! It's a win-win situation! Our retirees get their post-retirement positions that assure well-deserved comfort in their golden years, AND (he thumps his desk with his fist) we edge out the bad guys who would otherwise be in these positions, funneling money into organized crime!
P: Yes. Why let the gangsters get the bribes and kickbacks for deciding which companies get projects when your retirees can receive these funds!
Lt. Wairo (beaming): Indeed! And here I thought you were not so bright!
Our efforts to take over these anti-social activities from people we really don't want in our communities should receive a major boost from the Olympics. Even the other businesses we talked about when you came last time should be thriving with the influx of tourists from around the world!
P: You mean the sex industry and gambling?
Lt. Wairo: Ha ha! You foreigners are so direct. We don't call it the "sex industry"; you make it sound so sleazy. What could be more beneficial to an Olympic tourist after a hard day of cheering on his country's teams than to relax in one of our managed soapland spas? Or they could head out for some excitement at one of the new casinos we hope to have in place by then?
P: Of course! And they could go to all these places without worrying that they were contributing to the advancement of organized crime.
Lt. Wairo: I am pleased that you see it that way!
Hey, before you go... I hear that you were a professor of English language. Is that correct?
P: Er.... yes?
Lt. Wairo (pulling a poster, advertising a soapland "spa" out of his desk): Well, with the Olympics coming, all of these ads and posters will have to be translated into English, so I was wondering if you could do us a favor and translate them for us? You can start with this one. We would be happy to pay you for your time, and (winking) you could go to the soapland yourself to do some "research". Of course your visit would be "on the house"! (he laughs suggestively)
P: Oh... well, I would love to of course, but actually I'm pretty busy these days. I am sure you have people in the police department who can handle the translation. Why not get one of the guys who translates your highway signs* to do it?
Lt. Wairo: OK, good idea, but if you change your mind, don't hesitate to contact me again!
P: Thank you, and thank you for your time.
Lt. Wairo: We here at the National Police Agency are always delighted to talk to members of the international press.
- - - - - - - - - -
* A better translation would be "Motor Vehicles Only". One sign costs ¥25,000,000 or about USD$250,000! There are probably hundreds of these signs around the country.
With the 2020 Olympics scheduled to take place in Tokyo, organized crime is seeing a growth of opportunities for increasing its income. There are enormous construction projects to be parceled out, workers to be hired, sex workers to be enrolled and heaps of money to be made in shakedowns, extortion, kickbacks and out-and-out bribes.
Clearly the NPA cannot let all this go unchallenged and has to take a stand against organized crime by taking over many of these "businesses" for themselves.
No, I am not making this up.
I usually spend most of my time yucking it up in these posts, but sometimes it is important to probe and investigate – as the hard-hitting news hound that I am – to get to the bottom of the story and expose the behind-the-scenes information that I know you readers have come to depend on from me.
Once again, I arranged an interview with Assistant Vice-Director of Vice Control Lieutenant Wairo at the NPA.
Lt. Wairo (still dressed in his distinctive style): Oh, it's you again. Didn't you come and interview me a couple of years ago?
P: Yes, I did. We talked about the NPA's competition with organized crime for money from illegal businesses.
Lt. Wairo: Oh, right! I remember now. What can I do for you today?
P: Recently, I read that the NPA is once again trying to force the Yakuza to the sidelines by directly competing for positions in construction companies that will be building Olympic venues for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.
Lt. Wairo: Yes? And?
P: Well, I was hoping you could explain why the NPA is essentially moving to take over Yakuza activities that normally would be suppressed by many police agencies.
Lt. Wairo (sighing elaborately and stubbing his non-filter cigarette out abruptly) : I explained all this the last time you came here, but the Olympic decision definitely puts a new spin on things. Here in the NPA we have a lot of old-timers – basically, your baby-boomers (he looks at me meaningfully) – who are retiring in droves. Traditionally we have found post-retirement positions for them as advisers in the highway-sign companies and illegal gambling industry, but even though we are trying hard to increase signage and pushing for allowing casinos to operate, we still do not have enough openings for these retirees. The construction boom that is sure to take place here in Tokyo is obviously a good place for us to start.
P: Yes, you do need to find positions for these people, don't you.
Lt. Wairo: Exactly! And what better way to do it than to push the gangsters out at the same time! It's a win-win situation! Our retirees get their post-retirement positions that assure well-deserved comfort in their golden years, AND (he thumps his desk with his fist) we edge out the bad guys who would otherwise be in these positions, funneling money into organized crime!
P: Yes. Why let the gangsters get the bribes and kickbacks for deciding which companies get projects when your retirees can receive these funds!
Lt. Wairo (beaming): Indeed! And here I thought you were not so bright!
Our efforts to take over these anti-social activities from people we really don't want in our communities should receive a major boost from the Olympics. Even the other businesses we talked about when you came last time should be thriving with the influx of tourists from around the world!
P: You mean the sex industry and gambling?
Lt. Wairo: Ha ha! You foreigners are so direct. We don't call it the "sex industry"; you make it sound so sleazy. What could be more beneficial to an Olympic tourist after a hard day of cheering on his country's teams than to relax in one of our managed soapland spas? Or they could head out for some excitement at one of the new casinos we hope to have in place by then?
P: Of course! And they could go to all these places without worrying that they were contributing to the advancement of organized crime.
Lt. Wairo: I am pleased that you see it that way!
Hey, before you go... I hear that you were a professor of English language. Is that correct?
P: Er.... yes?
Lt. Wairo (pulling a poster, advertising a soapland "spa" out of his desk): Well, with the Olympics coming, all of these ads and posters will have to be translated into English, so I was wondering if you could do us a favor and translate them for us? You can start with this one. We would be happy to pay you for your time, and (winking) you could go to the soapland yourself to do some "research". Of course your visit would be "on the house"! (he laughs suggestively)
P: Oh... well, I would love to of course, but actually I'm pretty busy these days. I am sure you have people in the police department who can handle the translation. Why not get one of the guys who translates your highway signs* to do it?
Lt. Wairo: OK, good idea, but if you change your mind, don't hesitate to contact me again!
P: Thank you, and thank you for your time.
Lt. Wairo: We here at the National Police Agency are always delighted to talk to members of the international press.
- - - - - - - - - -
* A better translation would be "Motor Vehicles Only". One sign costs ¥25,000,000 or about USD$250,000! There are probably hundreds of these signs around the country.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Pot Head? It's Good for You Now!
There is this one cookie
that you can buy at Trader Joe's that is utterly addictive. They are so
thin and crispy, PLUS they are made of very simple and "good"
ingredients: wheat flour, sugar, butter, almonds, salt and sodium
bicarbonate. I am eating them right now. It's hard to stop.
But that is not what I wanted to write about today.
As many of you know, Washington State along with Colorado passed new laws that make private possession of marijuana legal. This has been a controversial issue around the country, but now that the law has changed here in Washington, I have not read any articles, claiming that there are down-sides to the new legal status of pot.
(These cookies are really outstanding!)
As most of you have read, smoking marijuana has well-documented effects on its users. They tend to be calmed and maybe a little lazy. Their senses are heightened, I hear, and they develop a strong interest in eating. This is called "the munchies". People who have smoked weed claim that music becomes more interesting, and many also assert that their conversations end up more stimulating as well. Articles about this have appeared periodically over the years.
When we were in college, however, none of these "features" was regarded as a particularly good thing in society, unless you were selling tortilla chips and salsa, in which case the increased sales might have been a positive development.
(Wow... half the package already?! I better put them away to save them for another time!)
Recent research, however, is starting to show that the active ingredient in weed may actually promote the growth of neurons in the brain! Drinking wine or other alcoholic beverages is well-known to inhibit neuron growth, and in fact, we often talk about how drinking can "kill off your grey cells". It's clearly not good for you at all.
In addition, just getting older might be responsible for neuron reduction which contributes to us older folk having what we laughingly call "senior moments".
Ha ha!
(OK... just ONE more cookie! I will go for a walk later and "burn them off"!)
So just imagine the health benefits of avoiding that "two-martini lunch" and instead having a couple of tokes of weed! Or at the end of a hard day, instead of kicking back with that six-pack of beer which will definitely render you stupid, you could "top up" your neurons with a few hits off that old bong you have lying around nostalgically from your college days.
(OMG, I finished the whole box! I will take my walk over to Trader Joe's later!)
While it is only Washington State and Colorado which have these liberalized laws about marijuana so far, once the positive brain effects become better known, we can expect legal changes to sweep the nation!
Everyone will be smoking weed and maybe our nation's SAT scores (which have remained stagnant) will start to rise again. Perhaps even the Republicans in Congress will sharpen up and figure out a way to conduct the nation's business without lurching from crisis to crisis. The lurching is clearly being caused by booze! They need to stop inhibiting their neurons and instead start working on increasing them.
(Trader Joe's 72% Dark Chocolate from Belgium is also really good. Luckily I have a couple of bars right here! They melt in your mouth so sensuously! Yum!)
Oh! And while I am talking about chocolate, did you know that chocolate is good for you? Yes, it is! This means that eating chocolate (as I am right now) is a healthful activity! We can call it Choco-Therapy.
What was I talking about before?
Oh! Right... the benefits to the brain of weed.
I would like to continue writing about that, but I need to head out to Trader Joe's to get more cookies, and – actually – some chips and salsa sound pretty good too!
But that is not what I wanted to write about today.
As many of you know, Washington State along with Colorado passed new laws that make private possession of marijuana legal. This has been a controversial issue around the country, but now that the law has changed here in Washington, I have not read any articles, claiming that there are down-sides to the new legal status of pot.
(These cookies are really outstanding!)
As most of you have read, smoking marijuana has well-documented effects on its users. They tend to be calmed and maybe a little lazy. Their senses are heightened, I hear, and they develop a strong interest in eating. This is called "the munchies". People who have smoked weed claim that music becomes more interesting, and many also assert that their conversations end up more stimulating as well. Articles about this have appeared periodically over the years.
When we were in college, however, none of these "features" was regarded as a particularly good thing in society, unless you were selling tortilla chips and salsa, in which case the increased sales might have been a positive development.
(Wow... half the package already?! I better put them away to save them for another time!)
Recent research, however, is starting to show that the active ingredient in weed may actually promote the growth of neurons in the brain! Drinking wine or other alcoholic beverages is well-known to inhibit neuron growth, and in fact, we often talk about how drinking can "kill off your grey cells". It's clearly not good for you at all.
In addition, just getting older might be responsible for neuron reduction which contributes to us older folk having what we laughingly call "senior moments".
Ha ha!
(OK... just ONE more cookie! I will go for a walk later and "burn them off"!)
So just imagine the health benefits of avoiding that "two-martini lunch" and instead having a couple of tokes of weed! Or at the end of a hard day, instead of kicking back with that six-pack of beer which will definitely render you stupid, you could "top up" your neurons with a few hits off that old bong you have lying around nostalgically from your college days.
(OMG, I finished the whole box! I will take my walk over to Trader Joe's later!)
While it is only Washington State and Colorado which have these liberalized laws about marijuana so far, once the positive brain effects become better known, we can expect legal changes to sweep the nation!
Everyone will be smoking weed and maybe our nation's SAT scores (which have remained stagnant) will start to rise again. Perhaps even the Republicans in Congress will sharpen up and figure out a way to conduct the nation's business without lurching from crisis to crisis. The lurching is clearly being caused by booze! They need to stop inhibiting their neurons and instead start working on increasing them.
(Trader Joe's 72% Dark Chocolate from Belgium is also really good. Luckily I have a couple of bars right here! They melt in your mouth so sensuously! Yum!)
Oh! And while I am talking about chocolate, did you know that chocolate is good for you? Yes, it is! This means that eating chocolate (as I am right now) is a healthful activity! We can call it Choco-Therapy.
What was I talking about before?
Oh! Right... the benefits to the brain of weed.
I would like to continue writing about that, but I need to head out to Trader Joe's to get more cookies, and – actually – some chips and salsa sound pretty good too!
Monday, September 30, 2013
Tips for Nervous Flyers
If there is anything funnier than the silly tips I write from time to time, it's the pointers offered in seriousness by other writers.
Consider these from the Huffington Post travel columnists. Based on the recommendations of a psychiatrist, they present 10 tips for nervous flyers. Why 10 instead of – say – five or six? 10 is a nice, round number, and while some of the items overlap, nice, round numbers work better.
So let's get on with it! How can we nervous nellies make our flying experience less stressful?
1. Prepare yourself mentally
Here the nervous flyers are advised to think about whether they have the willingness to suffer the fear of flying in a tradeoff for the gain of – say – visiting grandma in Poughkeepsie. If the answer is yes, then they need to prepare for the flight mentally. Perhaps they could steel themselves for the event by image training. Hours before the flight, they could mentally picture themselves being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube and hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. That would be a great way to reduce fear, no?
2. Prepare to be distracted
This advice does not mean that you should happily anticipate the witty comments of the Southwest Airlines flight attendants. It means that you need to bring enough stuff with you to distract yourself from your thoughts of being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube, hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. You should "listen to music" or "do puzzles". Let's see.... 3 DOWN: 6-letter verb used for when a bird gets sucked into a jet engine.
3. Breathe
No, this is not as "duh" as it seems. Of course you should breathe! The psychiatrist's advice means that you need to practice "soothing breathing". With this you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It is very calming. And after the person sitting next to you requests a different seat, you will have more room and won't be so hemmed in. It's a good idea to practice this "soothing breathing" at home first, since doing it for 13 hours on that flight from New York to Tokyo might cause hyperventilation and result in your passing out. Which, come to think of it, could be a plus for the panicky flyer!
4. Use an app to focus on breathing
No, I didn't make this one up to be silly. And yes, it really is a part of #3 above, but they needed 10 points, so it was given its own space. Of course you are not allowed to "use an app" during the scariest part of the flight, taking off and landing, but never mind about that.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, sir! All electronic devices must be turned off and stowed during take off!
You: But this is my breathing app!
Passenger next to you: Excuse me, miss? Can I move to another seat, please?
5. Remember that panic will pass
True. When they divert the flight to Denver because you have passed out from your hyperventilation, your panic will pass once you are on the ground. The other passengers who are missing their connecting flights to their important engagements, however, might have a different feeling.
6. Find out what you're afraid of
Let me see. I am a panicky flyer. What could I possibly be afraid of? Hmm... how about that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board? Nah.... THAT couldn't be it.
7. Focus on the positive
OK. I am POSITIVE that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board.
8. Learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Let me guess, does this approach start with me buying a book? Maybe I can use this to distract me as in #2 above. Uh, no... three books. This technique involves "tapping" on your "energy meridians" to harness the power of acupuncture in stress relief. While this – along with the breathing – might get the person sitting next to you to change seats, thus giving you more room, as Wikipedia tartly puts it EFT "has not garnered significant support in clinical psychology". (Makes you wonder about the psychiatrist giving the advice for this column.)
9. Know when it's time to seek professional help
Flight Attendant: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, is there a psychiatrist on board today's flight? If so, please indicate where you are sitting by pushing the call button above your seat?
10. Read a book
Let me guess, does this recommendation involve me buying the psychiatrist's book? Yep... but we don't want to include it in "being prepared to be distracted" above, do we. Giving it its own number will definitely benefit sales.
Columns like this make me want to start my own advice column. How hard could it be? Anyone out there need sage advice about something?
Consider these from the Huffington Post travel columnists. Based on the recommendations of a psychiatrist, they present 10 tips for nervous flyers. Why 10 instead of – say – five or six? 10 is a nice, round number, and while some of the items overlap, nice, round numbers work better.
So let's get on with it! How can we nervous nellies make our flying experience less stressful?
1. Prepare yourself mentally
Here the nervous flyers are advised to think about whether they have the willingness to suffer the fear of flying in a tradeoff for the gain of – say – visiting grandma in Poughkeepsie. If the answer is yes, then they need to prepare for the flight mentally. Perhaps they could steel themselves for the event by image training. Hours before the flight, they could mentally picture themselves being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube and hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. That would be a great way to reduce fear, no?
2. Prepare to be distracted
This advice does not mean that you should happily anticipate the witty comments of the Southwest Airlines flight attendants. It means that you need to bring enough stuff with you to distract yourself from your thoughts of being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube, hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. You should "listen to music" or "do puzzles". Let's see.... 3 DOWN: 6-letter verb used for when a bird gets sucked into a jet engine.
3. Breathe
No, this is not as "duh" as it seems. Of course you should breathe! The psychiatrist's advice means that you need to practice "soothing breathing". With this you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It is very calming. And after the person sitting next to you requests a different seat, you will have more room and won't be so hemmed in. It's a good idea to practice this "soothing breathing" at home first, since doing it for 13 hours on that flight from New York to Tokyo might cause hyperventilation and result in your passing out. Which, come to think of it, could be a plus for the panicky flyer!
4. Use an app to focus on breathing
No, I didn't make this one up to be silly. And yes, it really is a part of #3 above, but they needed 10 points, so it was given its own space. Of course you are not allowed to "use an app" during the scariest part of the flight, taking off and landing, but never mind about that.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, sir! All electronic devices must be turned off and stowed during take off!
You: But this is my breathing app!
Passenger next to you: Excuse me, miss? Can I move to another seat, please?
5. Remember that panic will pass
True. When they divert the flight to Denver because you have passed out from your hyperventilation, your panic will pass once you are on the ground. The other passengers who are missing their connecting flights to their important engagements, however, might have a different feeling.
6. Find out what you're afraid of
Let me see. I am a panicky flyer. What could I possibly be afraid of? Hmm... how about that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board? Nah.... THAT couldn't be it.
7. Focus on the positive
OK. I am POSITIVE that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board.
8. Learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Let me guess, does this approach start with me buying a book? Maybe I can use this to distract me as in #2 above. Uh, no... three books. This technique involves "tapping" on your "energy meridians" to harness the power of acupuncture in stress relief. While this – along with the breathing – might get the person sitting next to you to change seats, thus giving you more room, as Wikipedia tartly puts it EFT "has not garnered significant support in clinical psychology". (Makes you wonder about the psychiatrist giving the advice for this column.)
9. Know when it's time to seek professional help
Flight Attendant: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, is there a psychiatrist on board today's flight? If so, please indicate where you are sitting by pushing the call button above your seat?
10. Read a book
Let me guess, does this recommendation involve me buying the psychiatrist's book? Yep... but we don't want to include it in "being prepared to be distracted" above, do we. Giving it its own number will definitely benefit sales.
Columns like this make me want to start my own advice column. How hard could it be? Anyone out there need sage advice about something?
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