Sometimes, we have to be serious.
Life is uncompromising in its demands, and we cannot just sit by, swill wine and ignore them.
As I have posted in previous articles here, here, and here (please read them for important background information), the Japanese are in grave danger of becoming extinct.
Yes, you read correctly, extinct.
We're talking dodo extinct.
Finally some people seem to be listening, and the issue is popping up in the news more frequently. The airwaves and newspaper columns are rampant with serious discussions about the causes of – and solutions to – this desperate problem.
There are grave worries:
Men and women basically live separate lives, young women don't want to marry Japanese men, and even those who ARE married can't handle becoming moms. What becomes of your youthful image after all?
If nothing is done, what happens? This is not the US House of Representatives we are talking about here, there are serious ramifications to Japan sitting on its butt and doing nothing; the people of Japan could disappear!
Even Japanese academics, long noted for myopic research into whatever seems most clearly unrelated to reality, are starting to weigh in with opinions on this matter. One such academic at Sofia University in Tokyo is recommending that the national government establish birth quotas to enable Japan to pull itself out of this death spiral and restore the nation to its future of high-flying grandeur.
Curious about how this view was being regarded by the national government, I pulled some strings and got an interview with Vice Sub-Assistant Secretary Chikan of the National Policy Unit. His secretary, a very attractive, young woman, showed me into his office.
Secretary: Mr. Chikan? This is Mr. Pterosaurish to interview you about Japan's population problem. Mr. Pterosaurish? This is Vice Sub-Assistant Secretary Chikan. (she bowed politely and backed out of the room, closing the heavy door as she backed away.)
Mr. Chikan: (in Japanese) They didn't say anything about a foreigner. Do you speak Japanese?
Me: Some.
Mr. C: Oh! Your Japanese is excellent. I am surprised! Very good, indeed! You must have a Japanese wife!
Me: Um... no...
Mr. C: Excellent! Excellent! Your pronunciation is very good! Wonderful!
What are you interested in asking me?
Me: The reason I am here is to ask you what you think about the recommendations of some academics to establish national birth rate quotas to prevent the decline of the Japanese population.
Mr. C: Yes, I am familiar with them and we, here at the National Policy Unit, are studying the problem. You see, we have a difficult issue with young Japanese men (he fidgeted uncomfortably). I am sure you are familiar with the – so called – "herbivore men" problem? (he looked at me as if he hoped I might not be familiar with it)
Me: Yes, I have read about that in the papers.
Mr. C: Oh! You have? Very good! Very good! (he spoke as if to a child who used the toilet for the first time)
Yes, these men – can you BELIEVE it? – refuse to have any dealings with women. Do you realize that as much as 70% of the male population in these prime, child-producing age groups are herbivores? They have no interest in having girlfriends at all!
Me: What do you plan to do about this problem? Bring in foreign carnivores?
Mr. C: (explosively) Are you out of your mind?! Foreigners?!! (spittle began to collect in the corners of his mouth) Did you know that 10% of marriages in the Tokyo area are already international connections; we don't need any more of that!
No offense, but I just can't see what benefit OUR gene pool would get
out of encouraging foreigners to come in and reproduce with our women! (he looked at me as if I might have been thinking about reproducing with their women)
Me: Well, it might increase the number of children.
Mr. C: Nonsense! We Japanese must save ourselves on our own; we cannot allow any more mixing than has already taken place. What would Japan BE, if everyone looked like a mix?
Me: Still here at the end of the century?
Mr. C: Ha! Very funny Mr. Pterosaurish. No! That is not what we in Prime Minister Abe's new government are thinking about as a counter strategy.
Me: What do you have in mind then?
Mr. C: Well, as I just mentioned, almost all of your herbivore types are in their 20s and 30s. They're young. So this means that there is a vast pool of young women whose ... how shall I put this?.... whose "needs" are going unmet! Heh heh heh.... (a blotchy blush spread across his cheeks)
Me: I see...
Mr. C: On the other hand (he continued breezily), there are a lot of civil servants in their 40s and 50s who are most assuredly NOT herbivores, like ME for example! (he puffed out his chest and smoothed his "bar code" comb-over hair with his finger tips) Plus, men in this group tend to be fairly well off and able to take on additional responsibilities for their country.
Me: Um... so what are you planning exactly?
Mr. C: Numerical targets tend to take on a life of their own, so we need to be prepared and establish reliable guidelines and policies now. We think that we can offer either tax advantages, cash-grant incentives or a combination of both to men in public service to take on mistresses. Many politicians have also been eager to be included in this program, displaying their dedication to the nation and their concern for its survival.
Me: What makes you think this will work out?
Mr. C: Well, we already know that unmarried couples in Japan have more children than married couples, so we will simply be building on an existing trend! All we need are the proper inducements.
Me: And the consequences of failure?
Mr. C: Failure?! Have you not heard of Viagra? We can include free prescriptions as a part of the incentive package.
Me: No... I meant the failure of the policy.
Mr. C: Oh! Yes... well... if we fail in this policy, we will no longer be able to support our senior citizens and will face a rapidly declining population. Even Finance Minister Aso's proposal that old people just "hurry up and die", while helpful over the short term, won't make for a growing population full of vitality. We cannot allow our policy to fail.
Me: Well... I certainly wish you well and hope for all the best. I wouldn't want my pension fund to run out due to a lack of young people, paying into it!
Mr. C: We and all the male members of the civil service and many politicians as well will do our best (he bowed his head dramatically, showing his sincerity and dedication to the cause).
Me: Thank you for your time.
Mr. C: Thank you for coming. And I would like to remind you once again that we are not looking for foreign participation in this program.
Me: I understand.
- - - - - - - - - -
And now the moment you have all been waiting for, the answer to last week's Bonus Questions!!
1. Aerial
a. chips (crisps, if you're British)
b. car
c. deodorant spray
d. laundry detergent
2. Aha
a. chocolate cookie
b. face soap
c. car
d. tampon
3. ACUO (all caps)
a. car
b. body thermometer
c. gum
d. vitality drink
4. Noah
a. laundry detergent
b. furniture polish
c. kitty litter
d. car
5. Speedy
a. car
b. deodorant
c. gum
d. instant soup
Showing posts with label herbivore men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label herbivore men. Show all posts
Monday, February 4, 2013
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Beauty Tips for Men
Everywhere you look there are beauty tips for women that tell them how to avoid looking old (don't wear blush on the "apples" of your cheeks) or how to look younger INSTANTLY (wear bright blush on the "apples" of your cheeks). Unfortunately, there are almost no beauty hints out there for men. As all of my friends know, I am very fashionable and up-to-date in my appearance, so this week I would like to provide 10 beauty hints for men that will keep you looking young and full of vim and vigor and increase your appeal to women.
1. Women adore men who have dramatic hair, so having lots of dramatic hair will help you to look younger. Going bald? No problem. You need to buy a toupee. Even rich and famous people like John Travolta make use of this tried and true technique for a more youthful style! Another solution is to do creative combing. Nothing will get the attention of those hot women faster than that dramatic head of hair.
2. As we age, we metabolize foods and beverages differently than we did when we were – say – 20. You can hide these developments with the right clothing. A tight fitting waistband will go a long way towards giving you that slim look that all the women crave. It helps to do a few sit-ups and not eat so much too.
3. Body hair is not popular among women today. Even famous politicians, such as Congressman Weiner, wax away their chest hair before tweeting images of themselves to avid supporters. Waxing is expensive, however, so don't be afraid to go with other cover ups, if you want to get that cool date.
4. It's a myth that women are not visually oriented. They only pretend not to notice when a hot guy walks by in sexy clothes. This means that you should stimulate this interest by wearing clothes that will set you apart from the crowd. At the beach, why not strut your stuff with this swimsuit – new for 2011? Or bring out the rip-snorting female in your women friends by greeting them at the door when they come home from work in this sexy item! They will not be able to resist your charms!
5. Muscles are also quite the rage among women these days. They all want their men to be muscled up and looking manly. While not everyone can look as good as this, you should make an effort to develop some muscles. Choose a part of your body that looks like it might have potential already and work on that at first. Be careful of which muscle group you select and try to keep some balance in your routine, however. In this photo, we can see how he has carefully developed his forearms and wrists but sadly neglected other parts of his body.
6. Tattoos are all the rage these days and VERY manly. Don't do something passé like getting an anchor or someone's name tattooed on your chest, but rather try to make a unique statement that will keep you showing your interest in your date!
7. I would be remiss here if I didn't talk a little about everyday fashion – not just the sexy statements we men should all be making on those special occasions as mentioned in # 4 above. Every man wants to be unique, so try to avoid looking like every other guy on the street! First of all, forget that boring banker look with your suit and go into work wearing something more distinctive. The woman in the next cubicle whom you have been admiring will fall head over heels in love with you!
8. Accessories are important too! Nothing will fade that fashionable suit faster than some boring watch from Sports Store Anonymous. No! You want to stand out and make a statement. Forget the watch; you have a cell phone, don't you? You need to accessorize in a provocative way. This is what the ladies want! A purse to carry your cell phone and other gear is just the ticket. These are all the rage in the Euro community where men are MEN and women like them just that way!
9. Developing a good color-sense is also important. Women appreciate men whose clothing reflects a masculine sensitivity to what goes with what. Don't always pick the obviously dramatic pairings, even subtle pastels can work well in layers together.
10. Finally, women these days like tall men. The average American man is only about 178 cm (5'10") tall, so if you are vertically challenged, don't be shy about compensating with some subtle foot wear such as these shoes! The women will only notice that they can finally look up to you!
So why not leave that "old you" behind and turn over a new beauty leaf? What have you got to lose?
1. Women adore men who have dramatic hair, so having lots of dramatic hair will help you to look younger. Going bald? No problem. You need to buy a toupee. Even rich and famous people like John Travolta make use of this tried and true technique for a more youthful style! Another solution is to do creative combing. Nothing will get the attention of those hot women faster than that dramatic head of hair.
2. As we age, we metabolize foods and beverages differently than we did when we were – say – 20. You can hide these developments with the right clothing. A tight fitting waistband will go a long way towards giving you that slim look that all the women crave. It helps to do a few sit-ups and not eat so much too.
3. Body hair is not popular among women today. Even famous politicians, such as Congressman Weiner, wax away their chest hair before tweeting images of themselves to avid supporters. Waxing is expensive, however, so don't be afraid to go with other cover ups, if you want to get that cool date.
4. It's a myth that women are not visually oriented. They only pretend not to notice when a hot guy walks by in sexy clothes. This means that you should stimulate this interest by wearing clothes that will set you apart from the crowd. At the beach, why not strut your stuff with this swimsuit – new for 2011? Or bring out the rip-snorting female in your women friends by greeting them at the door when they come home from work in this sexy item! They will not be able to resist your charms!
5. Muscles are also quite the rage among women these days. They all want their men to be muscled up and looking manly. While not everyone can look as good as this, you should make an effort to develop some muscles. Choose a part of your body that looks like it might have potential already and work on that at first. Be careful of which muscle group you select and try to keep some balance in your routine, however. In this photo, we can see how he has carefully developed his forearms and wrists but sadly neglected other parts of his body.
6. Tattoos are all the rage these days and VERY manly. Don't do something passé like getting an anchor or someone's name tattooed on your chest, but rather try to make a unique statement that will keep you showing your interest in your date!
7. I would be remiss here if I didn't talk a little about everyday fashion – not just the sexy statements we men should all be making on those special occasions as mentioned in # 4 above. Every man wants to be unique, so try to avoid looking like every other guy on the street! First of all, forget that boring banker look with your suit and go into work wearing something more distinctive. The woman in the next cubicle whom you have been admiring will fall head over heels in love with you!
8. Accessories are important too! Nothing will fade that fashionable suit faster than some boring watch from Sports Store Anonymous. No! You want to stand out and make a statement. Forget the watch; you have a cell phone, don't you? You need to accessorize in a provocative way. This is what the ladies want! A purse to carry your cell phone and other gear is just the ticket. These are all the rage in the Euro community where men are MEN and women like them just that way!
9. Developing a good color-sense is also important. Women appreciate men whose clothing reflects a masculine sensitivity to what goes with what. Don't always pick the obviously dramatic pairings, even subtle pastels can work well in layers together.
10. Finally, women these days like tall men. The average American man is only about 178 cm (5'10") tall, so if you are vertically challenged, don't be shy about compensating with some subtle foot wear such as these shoes! The women will only notice that they can finally look up to you!
So why not leave that "old you" behind and turn over a new beauty leaf? What have you got to lose?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Let's Make Babies!
It's been a couple of weeks of awful news and disaster after calamity, but we cannot forget the problems that have been put aside by the press. Of course, I am referring to the declining population in Japan.
I have mentioned this before – the herbivores and other men who are not interested in sex. But let's face it, those were top-of-the-news attractions with only weak data to support them.
A Hard Hitting News Hound does not stop with the superficial, the trivial explanations of social ills. No. A Hard Hitting News Hound digs and digs, deeper and deeper until the truth is excavated and everyone can see what is REALLY going on.
I am afraid that (despite the awful news of nuclear problems etc. etc.... yawn) I have discovered some really important developments in Japan's population crisis.
First, please check out this map. All of the links I put in here are meant to be looked at, so go ahead... don't be shy... check it out.
Yes, this does mean you.
Now what does this map show us? It shows us (in blueish tinges) where there are very low numbers of children.
What does this mean, you ask?
It means that there are not many children in those areas.
Duh?
(Some people are SO stupid... not you, of course.)
No... what you really want to know is why am I showing you this. Right?
OK. Take a look at this map.
On this map the reddish areas highlight the number of senior citizens. If you toggle back and forth, you can see immediately what I am talking about!
The more the seniors, the fewer the children!
Can you believe this? In a country that is SUFFERING from depopulation in many areas and as a nation too, some people are not living up to their national responsibilities.
Yes, I hate to be explicit, but sometimes an investigative reporter simply has to lay it all out and let the chips fall where they may.
Seniors are not having children!
Japan is a nation that survives on community effort. Look at the recovery going on right now! It is a nation where everyone knows his/her place and works to make that place the best ever. Everyone pulls his or her own weight.
But, look at these seniors. Data does not lie!
There they are, living in the comfort of their pensions, probably playing golf everyday and sitting around watching mind-numbing programs on TV while the population of Japan is decreasing.
Especially in their prefectures!
And what are THEY doing about it?
Nothing!
This is not an easy problem to solve. It will require a national effort. But seniors in their decrepitude need to be reminded that even though they are "retired", they still have responsibilities to the nation. The government needs to take steps immediately to encourage them to have more children and bring their prefectures up to national averages (at least!).
As a news watcher, I know that it is not easy for the government to take its eye off the important balls (har) that seem to be out of control right now, but over the long term, it still needs to address critical problems that will have long-range implications.
It might take serious investigative reporting like mine to provide a stimulus for the government to begin to take steps to resolve this critical problem.
I have mentioned this before – the herbivores and other men who are not interested in sex. But let's face it, those were top-of-the-news attractions with only weak data to support them.
A Hard Hitting News Hound does not stop with the superficial, the trivial explanations of social ills. No. A Hard Hitting News Hound digs and digs, deeper and deeper until the truth is excavated and everyone can see what is REALLY going on.
I am afraid that (despite the awful news of nuclear problems etc. etc.... yawn) I have discovered some really important developments in Japan's population crisis.
First, please check out this map. All of the links I put in here are meant to be looked at, so go ahead... don't be shy... check it out.
Yes, this does mean you.
Now what does this map show us? It shows us (in blueish tinges) where there are very low numbers of children.
What does this mean, you ask?
It means that there are not many children in those areas.
Duh?
(Some people are SO stupid... not you, of course.)
No... what you really want to know is why am I showing you this. Right?
OK. Take a look at this map.
On this map the reddish areas highlight the number of senior citizens. If you toggle back and forth, you can see immediately what I am talking about!
The more the seniors, the fewer the children!
Can you believe this? In a country that is SUFFERING from depopulation in many areas and as a nation too, some people are not living up to their national responsibilities.
Yes, I hate to be explicit, but sometimes an investigative reporter simply has to lay it all out and let the chips fall where they may.
Seniors are not having children!
Japan is a nation that survives on community effort. Look at the recovery going on right now! It is a nation where everyone knows his/her place and works to make that place the best ever. Everyone pulls his or her own weight.
But, look at these seniors. Data does not lie!
There they are, living in the comfort of their pensions, probably playing golf everyday and sitting around watching mind-numbing programs on TV while the population of Japan is decreasing.
Especially in their prefectures!
And what are THEY doing about it?
Nothing!
This is not an easy problem to solve. It will require a national effort. But seniors in their decrepitude need to be reminded that even though they are "retired", they still have responsibilities to the nation. The government needs to take steps immediately to encourage them to have more children and bring their prefectures up to national averages (at least!).
As a news watcher, I know that it is not easy for the government to take its eye off the important balls (har) that seem to be out of control right now, but over the long term, it still needs to address critical problems that will have long-range implications.
It might take serious investigative reporting like mine to provide a stimulus for the government to begin to take steps to resolve this critical problem.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Save The Japanese Part 2
Do you remember the angst that swept Japan several years ago when it was discovered that Japanese elementary school children were unable to sharpen their pencils with knives? That precious tradition had been lost, and parents (especially fathers who should get off their butts from in front of the TV and actually interact with their children once in a while!) should spend the time to teach their little ones this valuable cultural lesson. Well... not many fathers got around to it, and now the chickens have come home to roost.
Kyodo News
Friday, January 14
OMG! 1/3 of male teens averse or indifferent to sex
(actual headline in The Daily Yomiuri)
As reported here in an August post, time is running out on our chances to save the Japanese from extinction.
A recent survey done by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare (no less!) has revealed that over 36% of boys between the ages of 16 and 19 are averse or indifferent to sex, more than double the results shown in a similar survey conducted in 2008. That's not all. The same survey revealed that 59% of girls shared their feelings, an uptick of 25%.
"So, what's the connection between pencil sharpening and sex," you ask?
A very pertinent question! In fact, I was preparing to answer it even before you asked.
Remember World War 2? Probably not. OK, let me rephrase that question. Have you read about WW 2 and how brave and tough Japanese were in fighting against the Americans in the Pacific? Does anyone think that your average Japanese – say – high school or college kid could behave like that today? Not in a million years. Why? It is because of the herbivore education that they receive! Of course they learn math and science, reading and writing, and always outscore Americans on any international tests on these subjects, but they miss out on the blood-and-guts, carnivorous parts of education, those parts that get Americans to say things like, "Shoot first, ask questions later," or post signs on their properties that say, "Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." Why, 99.99% of Japanese have never even touched a gun, much less fired one.
Never mind guns; they have not even been taught to sharpen a pencil with a knife!
Such is the sad state of Japanese education – cranking out herbivores who have no interest in keeping the Japanese nation viable into the future. It has become even worse than the pandas who at least have zoos and other institutions, watching over them and forcing them to breed in captivity (by showing them panda porn and so on).
Drastic measures need to be taken if we are to keep the Japanese from going extinct. Already their population is slated to fall to around a third of its present level in less than 100 years!
What can we as concerned world citizens do? Have sex with a Japanese? Nuh uh. This will only dilute their Japanese gene pool and make them go extinct even more quickly. What we need to do is help in education. Write to the Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology in Japan and tell them that you are worried that Japanese are all becoming herbivores and that they should teach more "robust" subjects in schools: Small Animal Butchery in elementary school, for example, or Comparative Porn Around the World in high school classes. "Sports" such as Advanced Petting should be included in the curriculum. Moreover, a more active attitude towards encouraging male–female contact should be promoted. High schools and universities should be required to offer dances and other social events for students. The drinking age should be lowered to 16 as it is in many countries in Europe, and alcohol should be served at these social functions to break down the herbivore inhibitions.
Only through these drastic measures can the Japanese people be saved from going the way of the dinosaur.
Kyodo News
Friday, January 14
OMG! 1/3 of male teens averse or indifferent to sex
(actual headline in The Daily Yomiuri)
As reported here in an August post, time is running out on our chances to save the Japanese from extinction.
A recent survey done by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare (no less!) has revealed that over 36% of boys between the ages of 16 and 19 are averse or indifferent to sex, more than double the results shown in a similar survey conducted in 2008. That's not all. The same survey revealed that 59% of girls shared their feelings, an uptick of 25%.
"So, what's the connection between pencil sharpening and sex," you ask?
A very pertinent question! In fact, I was preparing to answer it even before you asked.
Remember World War 2? Probably not. OK, let me rephrase that question. Have you read about WW 2 and how brave and tough Japanese were in fighting against the Americans in the Pacific? Does anyone think that your average Japanese – say – high school or college kid could behave like that today? Not in a million years. Why? It is because of the herbivore education that they receive! Of course they learn math and science, reading and writing, and always outscore Americans on any international tests on these subjects, but they miss out on the blood-and-guts, carnivorous parts of education, those parts that get Americans to say things like, "Shoot first, ask questions later," or post signs on their properties that say, "Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." Why, 99.99% of Japanese have never even touched a gun, much less fired one.
Never mind guns; they have not even been taught to sharpen a pencil with a knife!
Such is the sad state of Japanese education – cranking out herbivores who have no interest in keeping the Japanese nation viable into the future. It has become even worse than the pandas who at least have zoos and other institutions, watching over them and forcing them to breed in captivity (by showing them panda porn and so on).
Drastic measures need to be taken if we are to keep the Japanese from going extinct. Already their population is slated to fall to around a third of its present level in less than 100 years!
What can we as concerned world citizens do? Have sex with a Japanese? Nuh uh. This will only dilute their Japanese gene pool and make them go extinct even more quickly. What we need to do is help in education. Write to the Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology in Japan and tell them that you are worried that Japanese are all becoming herbivores and that they should teach more "robust" subjects in schools: Small Animal Butchery in elementary school, for example, or Comparative Porn Around the World in high school classes. "Sports" such as Advanced Petting should be included in the curriculum. Moreover, a more active attitude towards encouraging male–female contact should be promoted. High schools and universities should be required to offer dances and other social events for students. The drinking age should be lowered to 16 as it is in many countries in Europe, and alcohol should be served at these social functions to break down the herbivore inhibitions.
Only through these drastic measures can the Japanese people be saved from going the way of the dinosaur.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Herbivore Government
I am sure all of you are aware of the territorial conflict between Japan and China over a bunch of tiny islands (Senkaku Shoto in Japanese, Diaoyu in Chinese, and Unchbay Ofay Inytay Islandsay in Pig Latin). Recently this friction over the islands came to a boiling point when a Chinese fishing boat rammed a Japanese Coast Guard vessel which was trying to make that fishing boat stop for illegal entry into Japanese waters.
The Chinese ship was captured, and its crew and captain held in Japan until finally the Japanese let them all go without so much as an apology or compensation from the Chinese government. A video was taken of the Chinese fishing vessel's actions, but it was not released by the Japanese government which was worried that it was too provocative towards the Chinese. The recording was eventually leaked by a Japanese Coast Guard officer (see it here), giving rise to a lot of domestic criticism of the Japanese government for caving in to Chinese pressure.
Yes, it's the herbivore problem at the national level. Forget the samurai legacy, the rip-snorting aggressiveness of old, Japanese leaders have become herbivores.
"Why have they become herbivores," you ask? That is an excellent and timely question! Thank you for asking.
The reason is their wives.
"WHAT?!" You query. "How could their wives have ANYTHING to do with Prime Ministers being herbivores?"
That is also an excellent and timely question. (Please see me after class; I think we should discuss your future as an academic.)
Most Japanese Prime Ministers are – how shall I put this delicately – freaking old. The average age of the last 10 PMs is 63 years old, and they include some of the youngest PMs ever. This also means their wives are older too.
Older women, in their efforts to retain their youthful appearance, use more creams and unguents, some of which have hormones in them. These hormones have been cited as a cause for – shall we say – "unusual" developments in pets. If even pets are changed by their exposure to their owners' creams, imagine what sort of "evolutions" might be caused to the spouses.
"Oh, come on! Surely Japanese Prime Ministers are not hormonized into being herbivores by their wives," you say!
You are not paying attention. Who was the last Japanese PM who had a reputation as an alpha-politician? Koizumi Junichiro. And why was he not a herbivore? He is single!
That is not all. Check out the previous PM, Hatoyama. If he does not have "herbivore" written all over him, I don't know who does!
"But what about the present PM," you ask?
Once again, a timely and pertinent question.
The present PM who would not allow the video of the Chinese fishing vessel ramming Japanese Coast Guard ships to be released, and who sent back captain and crew without conditions is perhaps one of the herbivoriest of recent PMs in Japan, but his fashions are typical politician fuddy-duddy; no indication there.
The key in his case is his wife. You see, he married his first cousin, a marriage that was opposed by both families. So clearly, he married for love rather than for political or other advantages. We can assume that this means that his wife has been touching him more than most political wives touch their hubbies, so the spread of balm-carried hormones is stronger.
"What should be done about this problem," you ask?
Once again, I must commend you on your timely and almost prescient questions!
There is only one solution. The PMs must stop having any physical contact with their wives (or pets). Only through this drastic measure can Japanese leaders regain their testosterone levels and act as manly men in the world arena.
The Chinese ship was captured, and its crew and captain held in Japan until finally the Japanese let them all go without so much as an apology or compensation from the Chinese government. A video was taken of the Chinese fishing vessel's actions, but it was not released by the Japanese government which was worried that it was too provocative towards the Chinese. The recording was eventually leaked by a Japanese Coast Guard officer (see it here), giving rise to a lot of domestic criticism of the Japanese government for caving in to Chinese pressure.
Yes, it's the herbivore problem at the national level. Forget the samurai legacy, the rip-snorting aggressiveness of old, Japanese leaders have become herbivores.
"Why have they become herbivores," you ask? That is an excellent and timely question! Thank you for asking.
The reason is their wives.
"WHAT?!" You query. "How could their wives have ANYTHING to do with Prime Ministers being herbivores?"
That is also an excellent and timely question. (Please see me after class; I think we should discuss your future as an academic.)
Most Japanese Prime Ministers are – how shall I put this delicately – freaking old. The average age of the last 10 PMs is 63 years old, and they include some of the youngest PMs ever. This also means their wives are older too.
Older women, in their efforts to retain their youthful appearance, use more creams and unguents, some of which have hormones in them. These hormones have been cited as a cause for – shall we say – "unusual" developments in pets. If even pets are changed by their exposure to their owners' creams, imagine what sort of "evolutions" might be caused to the spouses.
"Oh, come on! Surely Japanese Prime Ministers are not hormonized into being herbivores by their wives," you say!
You are not paying attention. Who was the last Japanese PM who had a reputation as an alpha-politician? Koizumi Junichiro. And why was he not a herbivore? He is single!
That is not all. Check out the previous PM, Hatoyama. If he does not have "herbivore" written all over him, I don't know who does!
"But what about the present PM," you ask?
Once again, a timely and pertinent question.
The present PM who would not allow the video of the Chinese fishing vessel ramming Japanese Coast Guard ships to be released, and who sent back captain and crew without conditions is perhaps one of the herbivoriest of recent PMs in Japan, but his fashions are typical politician fuddy-duddy; no indication there.
The key in his case is his wife. You see, he married his first cousin, a marriage that was opposed by both families. So clearly, he married for love rather than for political or other advantages. We can assume that this means that his wife has been touching him more than most political wives touch their hubbies, so the spread of balm-carried hormones is stronger.
"What should be done about this problem," you ask?
Once again, I must commend you on your timely and almost prescient questions!
There is only one solution. The PMs must stop having any physical contact with their wives (or pets). Only through this drastic measure can Japanese leaders regain their testosterone levels and act as manly men in the world arena.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Save the Japanese!
Forget the whales and the pandas, a much more urgent extinction is looming. The Japanese might disappear from the planet! Peaking in 2006 at 127,463,611 people (the world's 10th largest population), the Japanese population is "going over the falls" demographically for the foreseeable future.
Immediate steps must be taken to prevent this tragedy from happening and removing one of the more interesting families of humanity from our planet. Think of what might happen should the Japanese disappear forever from the face of the earth.
1. Who would drive the nerdy Otaku culture?
2. Think about anime! What would the world do without this important Japanese cultural contribution?
3. Sushi. (no more needs to be said)
4. What about maid coffee shops? How could we allow these to disappear from our planet?
To escape this desperate situation, the first step is obviously to identify where the actual problems lie. Perhaps some lessons can be learned from the other species that have gone to the edge of elimination?
In the case of the whales, over-hunting led them to the brink of extinction. Clearly this is not the issue with the Japanese. Very few people on the planet include Japanese as a part of their diets.
What about the pandas? Their problem stemmed from an inability to procreate effectively and a tendency to have too few offspring.
Bingo!
The Japanese also seem to display an aversion to having babies. The birthrate is among the lowest in the world. But is it only the birthrate? Apparently not! They also do not have sex. This is similar to the pandas.
What steps can we take now to prevent an international tragedy?
First we have to pinpoint the source of the problem. Let's be blunt here: the problem is the increasing numbers of "herbivore men". These "men" have little interest in women, seeing them as potential friends but not lovers. Interest in desserts, fashions, make-up and so on dominate their minds, so they have little time or energy to devote to the all important challenge of keeping the Japanese race alive.
What can be done?
The parallels with the giant pandas are uncanny. Like the herbivore men, the giant pandas show little interest in sex and clearly fail to appreciate the risk to their species that this lack of commitment to procreation produces. Pandas were induced to increase their interest in and consummation of sexual activity by showing panda porn to the bears in captivity. The Japanese government should take immediate steps to identify these herbivore men and put them in a controlled environment where they can be shown pornography films. The films need to be chosen with the herbivore mentality in mind: a game-like atmosphere and anime characters would be a good start, maybe a sub-theme involving desserts would be helpful.
This movement the save the Japanese cannot be left to the government alone, however. NGOs must also step in to support a truly global effort. Greenpeace and Sea Shepherd should stop wasting their time and money on whales (sheesh!) and redirect their commitment to this threat to one of the planet's most important attributes: the Japanese. Only with the help and support of everyone around the world can we turn this danger to a better advantage and Save the Japanese.
Immediate steps must be taken to prevent this tragedy from happening and removing one of the more interesting families of humanity from our planet. Think of what might happen should the Japanese disappear forever from the face of the earth.
1. Who would drive the nerdy Otaku culture?
2. Think about anime! What would the world do without this important Japanese cultural contribution?
3. Sushi. (no more needs to be said)
4. What about maid coffee shops? How could we allow these to disappear from our planet?
To escape this desperate situation, the first step is obviously to identify where the actual problems lie. Perhaps some lessons can be learned from the other species that have gone to the edge of elimination?
In the case of the whales, over-hunting led them to the brink of extinction. Clearly this is not the issue with the Japanese. Very few people on the planet include Japanese as a part of their diets.
What about the pandas? Their problem stemmed from an inability to procreate effectively and a tendency to have too few offspring.
Bingo!
The Japanese also seem to display an aversion to having babies. The birthrate is among the lowest in the world. But is it only the birthrate? Apparently not! They also do not have sex. This is similar to the pandas.
What steps can we take now to prevent an international tragedy?
First we have to pinpoint the source of the problem. Let's be blunt here: the problem is the increasing numbers of "herbivore men". These "men" have little interest in women, seeing them as potential friends but not lovers. Interest in desserts, fashions, make-up and so on dominate their minds, so they have little time or energy to devote to the all important challenge of keeping the Japanese race alive.
What can be done?
The parallels with the giant pandas are uncanny. Like the herbivore men, the giant pandas show little interest in sex and clearly fail to appreciate the risk to their species that this lack of commitment to procreation produces. Pandas were induced to increase their interest in and consummation of sexual activity by showing panda porn to the bears in captivity. The Japanese government should take immediate steps to identify these herbivore men and put them in a controlled environment where they can be shown pornography films. The films need to be chosen with the herbivore mentality in mind: a game-like atmosphere and anime characters would be a good start, maybe a sub-theme involving desserts would be helpful.
This movement the save the Japanese cannot be left to the government alone, however. NGOs must also step in to support a truly global effort. Greenpeace and Sea Shepherd should stop wasting their time and money on whales (sheesh!) and redirect their commitment to this threat to one of the planet's most important attributes: the Japanese. Only with the help and support of everyone around the world can we turn this danger to a better advantage and Save the Japanese.
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