Sometimes, we have to be serious.
Life is uncompromising in its demands, and we cannot just sit by, swill wine and ignore them.
As I have posted in previous articles here, here, and here (please read them for important background information), the Japanese are in grave danger of becoming extinct.
Yes, you read correctly, extinct.
We're talking dodo extinct.
Finally some people seem to be listening, and the issue is popping up in the news more frequently. The airwaves and newspaper columns are rampant with serious discussions about the causes of – and solutions to – this desperate problem.
There are grave worries:
Men and women basically live separate lives, young women don't want to marry Japanese men, and even those who ARE married can't handle becoming moms. What becomes of your youthful image after all?
If nothing is done, what happens? This is not the US House of Representatives we are talking about here, there are serious ramifications to Japan sitting on its butt and doing nothing; the people of Japan could disappear!
Even Japanese academics, long noted for myopic research into whatever seems most clearly unrelated to reality, are starting to weigh in with opinions on this matter. One such academic at Sofia University in Tokyo is recommending that the national government establish birth quotas to enable Japan to pull itself out of this death spiral and restore the nation to its future of high-flying grandeur.
Curious about how this view was being regarded by the national government, I pulled some strings and got an interview with Vice Sub-Assistant Secretary Chikan of the National Policy Unit. His secretary, a very attractive, young woman, showed me into his office.
Secretary: Mr. Chikan? This is Mr. Pterosaurish to interview you about Japan's population problem. Mr. Pterosaurish? This is Vice Sub-Assistant Secretary Chikan. (she bowed politely and backed out of the room, closing the heavy door as she backed away.)
Mr. Chikan: (in Japanese) They didn't say anything about a foreigner. Do you speak Japanese?
Me: Some.
Mr. C: Oh! Your Japanese is excellent. I am surprised! Very good, indeed! You must have a Japanese wife!
Me: Um... no...
Mr. C: Excellent! Excellent! Your pronunciation is very good! Wonderful!
What are you interested in asking me?
Me: The reason I am here is to ask you what you think about the recommendations of some academics to establish national birth rate quotas to prevent the decline of the Japanese population.
Mr. C: Yes, I am familiar with them and we, here at the National Policy Unit, are studying the problem. You see, we have a difficult issue with young Japanese men (he fidgeted uncomfortably). I am sure you are familiar with the – so called – "herbivore men" problem? (he looked at me as if he hoped I might not be familiar with it)
Me: Yes, I have read about that in the papers.
Mr. C: Oh! You have? Very good! Very good! (he spoke as if to a child who used the toilet for the first time)
Yes, these men – can you BELIEVE it? – refuse to have any dealings with women. Do you realize that as much as 70% of the male population in these prime, child-producing age groups are herbivores? They have no interest in having girlfriends at all!
Me: What do you plan to do about this problem? Bring in foreign carnivores?
Mr. C: (explosively) Are you out of your mind?! Foreigners?!! (spittle began to collect in the corners of his mouth) Did you know that 10% of marriages in the Tokyo area are already international connections; we don't need any more of that!
No offense, but I just can't see what benefit OUR gene pool would get
out of encouraging foreigners to come in and reproduce with our women! (he looked at me as if I might have been thinking about reproducing with their women)
Me: Well, it might increase the number of children.
Mr. C: Nonsense! We Japanese must save ourselves on our own; we cannot allow any more mixing than has already taken place. What would Japan BE, if everyone looked like a mix?
Me: Still here at the end of the century?
Mr. C: Ha! Very funny Mr. Pterosaurish. No! That is not what we in Prime Minister Abe's new government are thinking about as a counter strategy.
Me: What do you have in mind then?
Mr. C: Well, as I just mentioned, almost all of your herbivore types are in their 20s and 30s. They're young. So this means that there is a vast pool of young women whose ... how shall I put this?.... whose "needs" are going unmet! Heh heh heh.... (a blotchy blush spread across his cheeks)
Me: I see...
Mr. C: On the other hand (he continued breezily), there are a lot of civil servants in their 40s and 50s who are most assuredly NOT herbivores, like ME for example! (he puffed out his chest and smoothed his "bar code" comb-over hair with his finger tips) Plus, men in this group tend to be fairly well off and able to take on additional responsibilities for their country.
Me: Um... so what are you planning exactly?
Mr. C: Numerical targets tend to take on a life of their own, so we need to be prepared and establish reliable guidelines and policies now. We think that we can offer either tax advantages, cash-grant incentives or a combination of both to men in public service to take on mistresses. Many politicians have also been eager to be included in this program, displaying their dedication to the nation and their concern for its survival.
Me: What makes you think this will work out?
Mr. C: Well, we already know that unmarried couples in Japan have more children than married couples, so we will simply be building on an existing trend! All we need are the proper inducements.
Me: And the consequences of failure?
Mr. C: Failure?! Have you not heard of Viagra? We can include free prescriptions as a part of the incentive package.
Me: No... I meant the failure of the policy.
Mr. C: Oh! Yes... well... if we fail in this policy, we will no longer be able to support our senior citizens and will face a rapidly declining population. Even Finance Minister Aso's proposal that old people just "hurry up and die", while helpful over the short term, won't make for a growing population full of vitality. We cannot allow our policy to fail.
Me: Well... I certainly wish you well and hope for all the best. I wouldn't want my pension fund to run out due to a lack of young people, paying into it!
Mr. C: We and all the male members of the civil service and many politicians as well will do our best (he bowed his head dramatically, showing his sincerity and dedication to the cause).
Me: Thank you for your time.
Mr. C: Thank you for coming. And I would like to remind you once again that we are not looking for foreign participation in this program.
Me: I understand.
- - - - - - - - - -
And now the moment you have all been waiting for, the answer to last week's Bonus Questions!!
1. Aerial
a. chips (crisps, if you're British)
b. car
c. deodorant spray
d. laundry detergent
2. Aha
a. chocolate cookie
b. face soap
c. car
d. tampon
3. ACUO (all caps)
a. car
b. body thermometer
c. gum
d. vitality drink
4. Noah
a. laundry detergent
b. furniture polish
c. kitty litter
d. car
5. Speedy
a. car
b. deodorant
c. gum
d. instant soup
Showing posts with label longevity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label longevity. Show all posts
Monday, February 4, 2013
Monday, November 26, 2012
Hey guys, why not live longer now?!
For the longest time, I thought that the fact that women outlived men was the result of a design flaw (male nipples?¹) or some kind of software bug in men. It seemed unfair that men would flame out early, leaving women to hang out by themselves – beach side with the piña coladas – and enjoy all the great benefits of a long and happy life, such as early onset dementia, or chronic constipation.
Indeed, I have written here before about how men not only live shorter lives, but how we are also walking a tightrope of uselessness; one false step and we could plummet off into total gender oblivion!
People are starting to talk, guys! "They"² are wondering if we are ever going to shape up and make something of ourselves.
Think about it!
List all the dumb comments made – say – about rape during the recent election cycle in the US. One hundred percent of them were made by men! You could hear American women's eyes rolling, way over here in Japan.
I am not joking.
So, being a man myself and not wanting to be swept into the dustbin of history, I have been searching for information that could help us guys lead not only better but longer lives. After all, once we get the "better" part down, then women and society in general ³ will appreciate having us around longer.
If we stay like we are – uneducated louts, controlling the TV remote – women will want to see us drop out of the scene faster and faster, and we will see diminishing life expectancies as is already happening in Russia. You can be sure that Russian women have decided that they can control the remote and probably a lot more as well.
We don't want that! No way.
So we need to define what it is that we want out of life. Do we want to just lie around the house, drinking up all the wine and watching the pathetic Mariners lose on TV?
Let me answer that for you, since I have the feeling that you would say "Yeah? Is there anything else?!"
Put down that beer and pay attention here!
The proper answer for "socially acceptable"⁴ males is "no".
What I am driving at is that we guys would like to hang out with women, but we have been making ourselves less and less attractive to them by our behavior. They are starting to think that maybe they can make do with a cat for comfort and a dild ... well... something else for other things (let's not give them any ideas).
If you are international like *I am, you read news from a wide variety of international sources and then feel really good about yourself for your eclectic orientation. In the Hindustan Times, for example, in their Entertainment section (no less) we can find the answer to our search for gender meaning.
Apparently we guys have a different cocktail of hormones in our systems than the women we are chasing, and THIS is the source of a lot of our problems.
More crime? Blame the hormones.
Lose your job and lie around the house all day, pretending to be a cat? More hormone maladjustments.
All this time, we have been thinking that it was FEMALES who had the hormone issues. How many times have you thought, "Omg... she is talking about that again!" and blamed it on "that time of month" etc? Right.
Well.... apparently it's not them; it's us.
Sorry.
What can we do about this? Well, according to the research, eunuchs lived much longer than the other males around them. Even lavishly fed and well-treated males such as kings and emperors were outlived by the eunuchs who served them.
So! We⁵ can solve the problem of longevity by undergoing a simple operation. In fact, you can do this at home. Boston Corbett (the man who shot John Wilkes Booth) performed this operation on himself with a pair of scissors.
There are of course side-effects such as a lack of libido and a desire to hang out in harems and try on all the women's lingerie. But to catch up with women in our modern society, maybe these small sacrifices are worth it.
Our nation is calling us, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what YOU can do for getting along better with everyone else."
For myself, I am too old to be bothered with this silliness, so I will be letting nature take its own course. For you younger men, however, I strongly advocate this simple procedure that you can do at home. You won't regret it, and the whole world will be better off. What a wonderful thing you can do for the human community.
Afterwards, I would like to support you in your new circumstances, so please send me the telephone numbers or email addresses of all your female friends so that I can help them adjust to your new world too!
Trust me, I will try very hard.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ Intelligent design folks? Hello? Helloooooo?
² "They" pretty much means all the women you know.
³ "society in general refers to women.
⁴"Socially acceptable" equals if you want to actually hang out with women.
⁵ This means you.
Indeed, I have written here before about how men not only live shorter lives, but how we are also walking a tightrope of uselessness; one false step and we could plummet off into total gender oblivion!
People are starting to talk, guys! "They"² are wondering if we are ever going to shape up and make something of ourselves.
Think about it!
List all the dumb comments made – say – about rape during the recent election cycle in the US. One hundred percent of them were made by men! You could hear American women's eyes rolling, way over here in Japan.
I am not joking.
So, being a man myself and not wanting to be swept into the dustbin of history, I have been searching for information that could help us guys lead not only better but longer lives. After all, once we get the "better" part down, then women and society in general ³ will appreciate having us around longer.
If we stay like we are – uneducated louts, controlling the TV remote – women will want to see us drop out of the scene faster and faster, and we will see diminishing life expectancies as is already happening in Russia. You can be sure that Russian women have decided that they can control the remote and probably a lot more as well.
We don't want that! No way.
So we need to define what it is that we want out of life. Do we want to just lie around the house, drinking up all the wine and watching the pathetic Mariners lose on TV?
Let me answer that for you, since I have the feeling that you would say "Yeah? Is there anything else?!"
Put down that beer and pay attention here!
The proper answer for "socially acceptable"⁴ males is "no".
What I am driving at is that we guys would like to hang out with women, but we have been making ourselves less and less attractive to them by our behavior. They are starting to think that maybe they can make do with a cat for comfort and a dild ... well... something else for other things (let's not give them any ideas).
If you are international like *I am, you read news from a wide variety of international sources and then feel really good about yourself for your eclectic orientation. In the Hindustan Times, for example, in their Entertainment section (no less) we can find the answer to our search for gender meaning.
Apparently we guys have a different cocktail of hormones in our systems than the women we are chasing, and THIS is the source of a lot of our problems.
More crime? Blame the hormones.
Lose your job and lie around the house all day, pretending to be a cat? More hormone maladjustments.
All this time, we have been thinking that it was FEMALES who had the hormone issues. How many times have you thought, "Omg... she is talking about that again!" and blamed it on "that time of month" etc? Right.
Well.... apparently it's not them; it's us.
Sorry.
What can we do about this? Well, according to the research, eunuchs lived much longer than the other males around them. Even lavishly fed and well-treated males such as kings and emperors were outlived by the eunuchs who served them.
So! We⁵ can solve the problem of longevity by undergoing a simple operation. In fact, you can do this at home. Boston Corbett (the man who shot John Wilkes Booth) performed this operation on himself with a pair of scissors.
There are of course side-effects such as a lack of libido and a desire to hang out in harems and try on all the women's lingerie. But to catch up with women in our modern society, maybe these small sacrifices are worth it.
Our nation is calling us, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what YOU can do for getting along better with everyone else."
For myself, I am too old to be bothered with this silliness, so I will be letting nature take its own course. For you younger men, however, I strongly advocate this simple procedure that you can do at home. You won't regret it, and the whole world will be better off. What a wonderful thing you can do for the human community.
Afterwards, I would like to support you in your new circumstances, so please send me the telephone numbers or email addresses of all your female friends so that I can help them adjust to your new world too!
Trust me, I will try very hard.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ Intelligent design folks? Hello? Helloooooo?
² "They" pretty much means all the women you know.
³ "society in general refers to women.
⁴"Socially acceptable" equals if you want to actually hang out with women.
⁵ This means you.
Monday, November 19, 2012
OMG! Awwwww! Sooo Cute!
Is there anyone on the planet who can look at this picture and not have an instant "Awwww!!!" response? I frankly doubt it. Thinking, "That's CUTE!!" seems to be hard-wired into our psyches, bringing out feelings that probably have played important roles in the evolution of the species.
Research is only just now starting to delve into this theme of why we think certain things are cute, and also what effects cuteness has on the human brain.
A recent study by a Japanese team, for example, has shown that exposing subjects to cuteness increases their ability to function and focus on their work. Imagine the significance of this important research! It might mean, for example, that painting the whole airplane with "Hello Kitty" and other cute pictures could help the pilots concentrate on their flying and also aid the ground staff in their efforts as well!
Ground Staff Person #1: Omg!! Look at that airplane! That is SOOOO cute!!! I just LOVE Hello Kitty.... awwww... she's gone to Italy as a tourist! Awww!!
GSP#2 (focusing on the task at hand): You attached the toilet pump-out nozzle to the fuel tank...
GSP#1: Oops... here... let me get that... er... is it OK to have so much jet fuel all over the ground like this?
But focusing on work is not the only effect of seeing a cute thing. Additional research shows that cuteness stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are excited by such compelling things as sex, good food, and cocaine.
In other words, we humans really like to look at "cute"!
Duh.
But might there be more important implications in our reactions to cute things?
It is a well-known fact that pet ownership has direct and measurable health benefits. Naturally the nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship we have with our pets – they barf on the floor and we clean it up, etc. – is an important factor in the health advantages for pet owners. It's not a stretch to say, however, that our pets' cuteness is one of the main reasons we are attracted to them and develop the meaningful connections we do. If cats were covered with scales, for example, we would hunt them down for the vermin that they clearly are! That they are furry, soft and adorable means that we jump to their beck and call and go "awww!" as they upchuck their crunchy food into our slippers.
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that the Awww Factor (AF) may well be the most powerful influence in the health benefits of pets.
Consider:
What country has the highest AF on the planet? No question; Japan wins hands down.
And which nation has one of the highest life expectancies? Yes... good guess! You ARE paying attention after all!
Japan.
But that is not all.
Which portion of the population of the country with the longest life expectancy is Number One in the world?
Japanese women.
Why?
From an early age, every Japanese girl and young woman is exposed to a barely sub-lethal dose of cuteness. While young boys are vulnerable to some of this as small children too, they soon "grow out" of it and move on to more adult things, like becoming an "otaku" nerd or a withdrawn recluse.
Little girls, however, get dosed early and long – everything from "Hello Kitty" children's in-flight meals, McDonalds characters on happy meals, school buses, cars filled with stuffed animals (who has not seen THIS?), even on the garbage truck, and cute box lunches in cute lunch boxes to take to school, to cute pencil cases and cute fashions. Never mind "Little Poopy". All of these provide a strong health boost throughout a woman's formative years which they carry on into later life in the form of better health and greater longevity.
All of us can learn a lesson from this AF influence. If you want to live a long and healthy life you need to expose yourself to as much cuteness as possible. As we have seen above, getting a pet is an important first step, but why not supplement that with some stuffed animals in your car or living room. Go ahead; don't be shy about it, put Hello Kitty stickers on your windows or maybe even get some Hello Kitty tableware. When you hire that maid to live up to Biblical values, why not go for a cute one? Make your meals adorable as well, by forming the meatloaf into a Winnie the Pooh or the birthday cake into a likeness of Snoopy.
These are simple, inexpensive, and non-invasive steps you can take right NOW to improve your health and vitality. As for me, having just looked at about 30 pages of cuteness, I think I have been exposed to much more than the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of cuteness and might need an insulin shot.
Research is only just now starting to delve into this theme of why we think certain things are cute, and also what effects cuteness has on the human brain.
A recent study by a Japanese team, for example, has shown that exposing subjects to cuteness increases their ability to function and focus on their work. Imagine the significance of this important research! It might mean, for example, that painting the whole airplane with "Hello Kitty" and other cute pictures could help the pilots concentrate on their flying and also aid the ground staff in their efforts as well!
Ground Staff Person #1: Omg!! Look at that airplane! That is SOOOO cute!!! I just LOVE Hello Kitty.... awwww... she's gone to Italy as a tourist! Awww!!
GSP#2 (focusing on the task at hand): You attached the toilet pump-out nozzle to the fuel tank...
GSP#1: Oops... here... let me get that... er... is it OK to have so much jet fuel all over the ground like this?
But focusing on work is not the only effect of seeing a cute thing. Additional research shows that cuteness stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are excited by such compelling things as sex, good food, and cocaine.
In other words, we humans really like to look at "cute"!
Duh.
But might there be more important implications in our reactions to cute things?
It is a well-known fact that pet ownership has direct and measurable health benefits. Naturally the nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship we have with our pets – they barf on the floor and we clean it up, etc. – is an important factor in the health advantages for pet owners. It's not a stretch to say, however, that our pets' cuteness is one of the main reasons we are attracted to them and develop the meaningful connections we do. If cats were covered with scales, for example, we would hunt them down for the vermin that they clearly are! That they are furry, soft and adorable means that we jump to their beck and call and go "awww!" as they upchuck their crunchy food into our slippers.
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that the Awww Factor (AF) may well be the most powerful influence in the health benefits of pets.
Consider:
What country has the highest AF on the planet? No question; Japan wins hands down.
And which nation has one of the highest life expectancies? Yes... good guess! You ARE paying attention after all!
Japan.
But that is not all.
Which portion of the population of the country with the longest life expectancy is Number One in the world?
Japanese women.
Why?
From an early age, every Japanese girl and young woman is exposed to a barely sub-lethal dose of cuteness. While young boys are vulnerable to some of this as small children too, they soon "grow out" of it and move on to more adult things, like becoming an "otaku" nerd or a withdrawn recluse.
Little girls, however, get dosed early and long – everything from "Hello Kitty" children's in-flight meals, McDonalds characters on happy meals, school buses, cars filled with stuffed animals (who has not seen THIS?), even on the garbage truck, and cute box lunches in cute lunch boxes to take to school, to cute pencil cases and cute fashions. Never mind "Little Poopy". All of these provide a strong health boost throughout a woman's formative years which they carry on into later life in the form of better health and greater longevity.
All of us can learn a lesson from this AF influence. If you want to live a long and healthy life you need to expose yourself to as much cuteness as possible. As we have seen above, getting a pet is an important first step, but why not supplement that with some stuffed animals in your car or living room. Go ahead; don't be shy about it, put Hello Kitty stickers on your windows or maybe even get some Hello Kitty tableware. When you hire that maid to live up to Biblical values, why not go for a cute one? Make your meals adorable as well, by forming the meatloaf into a Winnie the Pooh or the birthday cake into a likeness of Snoopy.
These are simple, inexpensive, and non-invasive steps you can take right NOW to improve your health and vitality. As for me, having just looked at about 30 pages of cuteness, I think I have been exposed to much more than the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of cuteness and might need an insulin shot.
Monday, September 13, 2010
The Senior Deficit
Comments from an alert reader and a link to the Creation Museum (Motto: Prepare to Believe) tempt me into another rant, but breaking developments on the missing seniors in Japan (National Motto: We live longer than you do; neener neener neener!) require my attention there.
The news is not encouraging. The Japanese government had previously listed around 45,000 Japanese citizens as being over 100 years old, but the recent push to discover missing seniors has revealed that over 200,000 centenarians have gone missing. Some would be over 150 years old.
Scenario
Scene opens in town office where public pensions are administered.
Watanabe Aho (Director of Records): OK, it's time for our annual review of pension recipients. Let's see... we have 123 people on record here as being over 100 years old! Amazing.
Tanaka Manuke (Assistant Record Keeper) Yes, it truly is amazing. Did you know that once again Japan leads the world in longevity amongst developed nations, according to international reports?
Watanabe: Yes! It fills me with pride. Say...(looking at a chart)... what about this person? His name is Kourei Toshiyori. He was born in 1873! That means that this December, he will be 137 years old!
Tanaka: Yes, he is the only person on our lists who is still receiving military retirement benefits from the Russo-Japanese War. He was in the Imperial Navy, you know.
Watanabe: That is so amazing. And look at this one! Ojii Shinisou. Our records show that he was born in 1890.
Tanaka: (checking the computer) Yes, I visited his family only last month to wish him a happy 120th birthday, but – wouldn't you know it – he was napping and couldn't receive any guests.
Watanabe: (chuckling) Yeah, well seniors that old deserve their naps! My data shows that he was around during the occupation of Korea in 1910! It says here that he was on Vice Admiral Chuichi Nagumo's staff during the Pearl Harbor attack! Imagine all that he has seen and done in his long life!
Tanaka: Yes, it is truly astounding.
Watanabe: He has been receiving his government pension now for 55 years. It is the least our society can do for someone who has given so much to our country over these many years.
Tanaka: Truly. Look at this one! Oh my god! I knew that women lived longer than men in general, but this one is remarkable. Her name is Koukourei Miira. She was born in – get this – 1855! She is 155 years old this year!
Watanabe: Yes, I went to her house last – let me see – last January to give her our special award for longevity. She is the oldest person in our district you know! Unfortunately, her family said she was napping and could not be disturbed, but they accepted the award on her behalf.
Tanaka: (looking at the computer again) Awww... that is so sweet. Did you know that she was a witness to the Meiji Restoration! Remarkable.
Watanabe: (putting the files back into their cabinets) OK, it looks like all these people check out. Let's look at the 90-year-olds now, OK?
Tanaka: Good idea, we can't be too careful with the public's money, can we.
The news is not encouraging. The Japanese government had previously listed around 45,000 Japanese citizens as being over 100 years old, but the recent push to discover missing seniors has revealed that over 200,000 centenarians have gone missing. Some would be over 150 years old.
Scenario
Scene opens in town office where public pensions are administered.
Watanabe Aho (Director of Records): OK, it's time for our annual review of pension recipients. Let's see... we have 123 people on record here as being over 100 years old! Amazing.
Tanaka Manuke (Assistant Record Keeper) Yes, it truly is amazing. Did you know that once again Japan leads the world in longevity amongst developed nations, according to international reports?
Watanabe: Yes! It fills me with pride. Say...(looking at a chart)... what about this person? His name is Kourei Toshiyori. He was born in 1873! That means that this December, he will be 137 years old!
Tanaka: Yes, he is the only person on our lists who is still receiving military retirement benefits from the Russo-Japanese War. He was in the Imperial Navy, you know.
Watanabe: That is so amazing. And look at this one! Ojii Shinisou. Our records show that he was born in 1890.
Tanaka: (checking the computer) Yes, I visited his family only last month to wish him a happy 120th birthday, but – wouldn't you know it – he was napping and couldn't receive any guests.
Watanabe: (chuckling) Yeah, well seniors that old deserve their naps! My data shows that he was around during the occupation of Korea in 1910! It says here that he was on Vice Admiral Chuichi Nagumo's staff during the Pearl Harbor attack! Imagine all that he has seen and done in his long life!
Tanaka: Yes, it is truly astounding.
Watanabe: He has been receiving his government pension now for 55 years. It is the least our society can do for someone who has given so much to our country over these many years.
Tanaka: Truly. Look at this one! Oh my god! I knew that women lived longer than men in general, but this one is remarkable. Her name is Koukourei Miira. She was born in – get this – 1855! She is 155 years old this year!
Watanabe: Yes, I went to her house last – let me see – last January to give her our special award for longevity. She is the oldest person in our district you know! Unfortunately, her family said she was napping and could not be disturbed, but they accepted the award on her behalf.
Tanaka: (looking at the computer again) Awww... that is so sweet. Did you know that she was a witness to the Meiji Restoration! Remarkable.
Watanabe: (putting the files back into their cabinets) OK, it looks like all these people check out. Let's look at the 90-year-olds now, OK?
Tanaka: Good idea, we can't be too careful with the public's money, can we.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Let's Senior
Japan has had loads of problems lately with tracking where their seniors have gone. The issue of how to provide for the aging population has simply consumed the nation for years, and now... suddenly... the seniors seem not to have been there all along. Blessings come when least expected.
Electronics giant, Sony (Motto: Let us implant something in you), has decided that having seniors (centenarians in particular) running loose is not the Japanese Way, so they have come up with an IC chip that can help the nation keep track of its elders.
How sweet.
Scenario
Scene opens with obviously demented senior shuffling down the street. She passes a detection device which immediately relays the location of the senior to her family. Her oldest son is watching the J-League soccer game on TV at home.
Oldest Son: (not taking his eyes off of the TV) Hey! Have you looked at the STD today? (SDT = Senior Tracking Device).
Wife: No! And listen... Ichitaro (their son) had his soccer practice this morning and I had to take him out to the field. Then Nihime (their daughter) had her piano lessons after that, so I had to rush back and pick her up and take her over to Hetakuso Piano School for that. What have YOU been doing? It's YOUR mom after all.
Oldest Son: Don't fly into a snit every time we talk about my mom! I was just asking. I thought MAYBE you might have checked the STD to see where she was! I woke up this morning and didn't see her around and just wondered where she might have gone.
Wife: You woke up this morning at 10! I have been up since 5:30. Do you know that Ichitaro (their son... in case you might have forgotten) has his soccer practices during the summer from 8?
Oldest Son: Eight o'clock in the morning? Wow. When I was in school we had soccer practice from 9 o'clock. He must really been getting in some good practice!
Wife: (speaking over the last sentence of Oldest son's comment) What I am saying is, I had to get up at 5:30 and make a lunch for Ichitaro and also Nihime -- and you KNOW how she hates her bento if it isn't cute; I just HATE having to cut the sausages into little octopusses with the eyes and everything? -- and then I had to get Ichitaro's uniform out and get him dressed and so on while you were down here on the floor, wallowing around recovering from your night out with your "colleagues" last night! Why were you out so late anyway?!
Oldest Son: Huh? I was at work... and.... and... then we all went out drinking... it was Friday after all.
Wife: Mmhm.... and where did you go drinking?
Oldest Son: The usual places downtown... I forget... the Bar Licky? I think it was the Bar Licky.
Wife: Yeah? Well, Hiroshi (Oldest son's colleague from work) just called a little while ago -- while you were still unconscious here on the living room floor -- asking why you didn't come out with the company group last night! He wanted to know if you were sick or what?!!
Oldest Son: Oh... Hiroshi called? Oh.... well... what does HE know.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Grandma has walked off the edge of the bridge and fallen into a huge culvert where she has been swept away.)
Oldest Son: I didn't know Hiroshi was going out last night... he told me he had to go home!
Wife: (hands on hips, with eyes staring daggers) So... Where DID you go last evening?!
Oldest Son: Um.. I went drinking like always.... to the Bar Licky... with the others... Hiroshi wasn't there.
Wife: I hate to say this because it makes me seem like an awful person, but I called the Bar Licky and they said no group from Saitei Kaisha (Oldest son's company) had come in last night. (she looks at him meaningfully)
Narrator: Grandma is carried by the unusually high water (this season) and flowed out into Tokyo Bay.
Oldest Son: Hmm... maybe it wasn't the Bar Licky that we went to.... I was drunk! How am I supposed to remember?! Don't you know that in Japanese culture when someone is drunk we forgive and forget all about it?!
Wife: What the fuck are you talking about? You were out with your colleague alright... what's her name... Aiko.
Oldest Son: I WAS not... she was only there for a little while and then she had to go back to her apartment in Roppongi.
Wife: Right... Roppongi...
Oldest Son: Yes... she had to go home to... to... take care of her aging mother.
Narrator: Grandma has been flowed along with a large styrofoam box (used for shipping chilled fish) and managed to stay on top of it as she is swept out beyond Tokyo Bay.
Wife: Crap. Her mother died 20 years ago. Don't you read the papers? Aiko is under suspicion for pension fraud.
Oldest Son: What? Really? Oh... I didn't know that? Wow.... I wondered why she always seemed to be able to pay for all the .....
Wife: The WHAT?!!!
Oldest Son: Oops...
Narrator: Grandma on her styrofoam shipping box has been swept out into the Pacific Ocean.
Wife: I HATE YOU!! You have NEVER cared for me or the kids... I am so TIRED of doing everything around here, waiting on you and your mom hand and.... YOUR MOM!!
Oldest Son: Oh my god... where IS she?!!
Wife: Let me check the STD (Senior Tracking Device, for those of you who have not been paying attention). She is not on the screen! The last blip shows her around the river!!!
Oldest Son: Oh my god! What if she fell in?!! Let's go look for her.
October 17th, 2010
San Francisco (Reuters) Japanese Woman Sets Record
This morning at 08:17 Coast Guard Cutter WAGL-305 Mesquite recovered Ms. Furuko Tanaka from the sea outside of San Francisco bay. She had sailed across the Pacific Ocean on a large, styrofoam shipping box. At 91 years old, she has been recognized by the Guiness Book Of World Records as the oldest person to single-handedly sail across the Pacific Ocean.
When asked about her achievement, Furuko responded, "I love raw fish, and the Pacific Ocean is still full of it!"
She has been taken to a local hotel where she awaits contact from her family in Japan.
Electronics giant, Sony (Motto: Let us implant something in you), has decided that having seniors (centenarians in particular) running loose is not the Japanese Way, so they have come up with an IC chip that can help the nation keep track of its elders.
How sweet.
Scenario
Scene opens with obviously demented senior shuffling down the street. She passes a detection device which immediately relays the location of the senior to her family. Her oldest son is watching the J-League soccer game on TV at home.
Oldest Son: (not taking his eyes off of the TV) Hey! Have you looked at the STD today? (SDT = Senior Tracking Device).
Wife: No! And listen... Ichitaro (their son) had his soccer practice this morning and I had to take him out to the field. Then Nihime (their daughter) had her piano lessons after that, so I had to rush back and pick her up and take her over to Hetakuso Piano School for that. What have YOU been doing? It's YOUR mom after all.
Oldest Son: Don't fly into a snit every time we talk about my mom! I was just asking. I thought MAYBE you might have checked the STD to see where she was! I woke up this morning and didn't see her around and just wondered where she might have gone.
Wife: You woke up this morning at 10! I have been up since 5:30. Do you know that Ichitaro (their son... in case you might have forgotten) has his soccer practices during the summer from 8?
Oldest Son: Eight o'clock in the morning? Wow. When I was in school we had soccer practice from 9 o'clock. He must really been getting in some good practice!
Wife: (speaking over the last sentence of Oldest son's comment) What I am saying is, I had to get up at 5:30 and make a lunch for Ichitaro and also Nihime -- and you KNOW how she hates her bento if it isn't cute; I just HATE having to cut the sausages into little octopusses with the eyes and everything? -- and then I had to get Ichitaro's uniform out and get him dressed and so on while you were down here on the floor, wallowing around recovering from your night out with your "colleagues" last night! Why were you out so late anyway?!
Oldest Son: Huh? I was at work... and.... and... then we all went out drinking... it was Friday after all.
Wife: Mmhm.... and where did you go drinking?
Oldest Son: The usual places downtown... I forget... the Bar Licky? I think it was the Bar Licky.
Wife: Yeah? Well, Hiroshi (Oldest son's colleague from work) just called a little while ago -- while you were still unconscious here on the living room floor -- asking why you didn't come out with the company group last night! He wanted to know if you were sick or what?!!
Oldest Son: Oh... Hiroshi called? Oh.... well... what does HE know.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Grandma has walked off the edge of the bridge and fallen into a huge culvert where she has been swept away.)
Oldest Son: I didn't know Hiroshi was going out last night... he told me he had to go home!
Wife: (hands on hips, with eyes staring daggers) So... Where DID you go last evening?!
Oldest Son: Um.. I went drinking like always.... to the Bar Licky... with the others... Hiroshi wasn't there.
Wife: I hate to say this because it makes me seem like an awful person, but I called the Bar Licky and they said no group from Saitei Kaisha (Oldest son's company) had come in last night. (she looks at him meaningfully)
Narrator: Grandma is carried by the unusually high water (this season) and flowed out into Tokyo Bay.
Oldest Son: Hmm... maybe it wasn't the Bar Licky that we went to.... I was drunk! How am I supposed to remember?! Don't you know that in Japanese culture when someone is drunk we forgive and forget all about it?!
Wife: What the fuck are you talking about? You were out with your colleague alright... what's her name... Aiko.
Oldest Son: I WAS not... she was only there for a little while and then she had to go back to her apartment in Roppongi.
Wife: Right... Roppongi...
Oldest Son: Yes... she had to go home to... to... take care of her aging mother.
Narrator: Grandma has been flowed along with a large styrofoam box (used for shipping chilled fish) and managed to stay on top of it as she is swept out beyond Tokyo Bay.
Wife: Crap. Her mother died 20 years ago. Don't you read the papers? Aiko is under suspicion for pension fraud.
Oldest Son: What? Really? Oh... I didn't know that? Wow.... I wondered why she always seemed to be able to pay for all the .....
Wife: The WHAT?!!!
Oldest Son: Oops...
Narrator: Grandma on her styrofoam shipping box has been swept out into the Pacific Ocean.
Wife: I HATE YOU!! You have NEVER cared for me or the kids... I am so TIRED of doing everything around here, waiting on you and your mom hand and.... YOUR MOM!!
Oldest Son: Oh my god... where IS she?!!
Wife: Let me check the STD (Senior Tracking Device, for those of you who have not been paying attention). She is not on the screen! The last blip shows her around the river!!!
Oldest Son: Oh my god! What if she fell in?!! Let's go look for her.
October 17th, 2010
San Francisco (Reuters) Japanese Woman Sets Record
This morning at 08:17 Coast Guard Cutter WAGL-305 Mesquite recovered Ms. Furuko Tanaka from the sea outside of San Francisco bay. She had sailed across the Pacific Ocean on a large, styrofoam shipping box. At 91 years old, she has been recognized by the Guiness Book Of World Records as the oldest person to single-handedly sail across the Pacific Ocean.
When asked about her achievement, Furuko responded, "I love raw fish, and the Pacific Ocean is still full of it!"
She has been taken to a local hotel where she awaits contact from her family in Japan.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Longevity in Japan Part 3
The saga of the missing centenarians continues. Recent investigations discovered one senior's son who was carrying her remains around in a backpack since 2001. He could not afford a proper burial. Clearly her pension payments which continued all the while were not enough to cover the proper disposal of her remains, so what is a son to do? Keeping her close seems warmly filial, considering the suffering he must have endured from losing his beloved mom.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Longevity in Japan
It's well known that Japanese have one of the longest life expectancies in the world. There are many people around in their 70s and 80s and even 90-year-olds are not that uncommon. People who live to be 100 years old – passing the century mark – are often singled out by their communities for recognition. A social worker or someone from city hall will come around, bringing a small gift to recognize the remarkable achievement in long life.
Of course, often the elderly centenarians cannot come to the door to receive their award. After all, being 100 years old is no picnic. The old people might be napping. They might be ill and bed ridden. They might be dead.
Dead?
Alas, yes. Mr. Kato a resident of Suginami Ward in Tokyo reached the remarkable age of 111 years old this year. Welfare workers from the ward office wanted to visit this amazing man to present him with a small token of their appreciation of his being the oldest man in the entire city of Tokyo. Regrettably, according to his daughter, he was unable to come to the door on account of being bed ridden. They came back another time. Unfortunately, the poor man still could not make it to the door. They returned another time determined to recognize him for being the oldest man in the whole city of Tokyo. Once again, his daughter said he was not up to receiving visitors.
This made the ward officials suspicious, and they went to the police. The police – not bringing an award – forced their way into the house and discovered the reason for Mr. Kato's inability to receive guests. He was dead. Not only dead, but mummified. The police found newspapers scattered about his room with dates from 30 years previous. It seems that Mr. Kato had not lived to be 111, but more like 81. The family is being investigated for pension fraud.
Ah, the bad apples that spoil the barrel. What is to be done about them?
The officials in Suginami Ward (obviously a hotbed of longevity) shook their heads in disbelief. "It's isolated incidents like this that give everyone the wrong impression about longevity in Tokyo!"
Another day. Suginami Ward officials head out to pay their respects and give recognition to Ms. Furuya who, at 113 years old, is the oldest woman in Tokyo. Greeted at the door by her daughter, they discover that Ms. Furuya does not live there anymore. Despite the centenarian being registered at that address, the daughter claims that her elderly mother has not lived there for years, but is living with her brother with whom she has no contact. Upon investigation, authorities find that the house where the brother was supposed to be living had been torn down to make way for a highway. When they catch up with him later, he claims to have no knowledge of his mother either.
Uh oh. Suddenly everyone over 100 is suspect of not being over 100 anymore. Orders have been sent out, and now (even in the rural prefecture where we live, Niigata) social workers are going door-to-door to check on the welfare of the centenarians in their communities. As of tonight, no "missing" 100-year-olds have been discovered here in Niigata, but around the country? Nearly 200 centenarians remain unaccounted for.
Are you thinking what I am thinking?
No, not THAT thought!
The one about the 90-year-olds. That one.
Maybe a lot of them are missing too?
But on another note, Japan has long been concerned about the aging of its population and how the proportion of elderly folks is so high relative to the number of young people who are working to pay the way. Good news for the workers: there may not be so many old people after all!
Of course, often the elderly centenarians cannot come to the door to receive their award. After all, being 100 years old is no picnic. The old people might be napping. They might be ill and bed ridden. They might be dead.
Dead?
Alas, yes. Mr. Kato a resident of Suginami Ward in Tokyo reached the remarkable age of 111 years old this year. Welfare workers from the ward office wanted to visit this amazing man to present him with a small token of their appreciation of his being the oldest man in the entire city of Tokyo. Regrettably, according to his daughter, he was unable to come to the door on account of being bed ridden. They came back another time. Unfortunately, the poor man still could not make it to the door. They returned another time determined to recognize him for being the oldest man in the whole city of Tokyo. Once again, his daughter said he was not up to receiving visitors.
This made the ward officials suspicious, and they went to the police. The police – not bringing an award – forced their way into the house and discovered the reason for Mr. Kato's inability to receive guests. He was dead. Not only dead, but mummified. The police found newspapers scattered about his room with dates from 30 years previous. It seems that Mr. Kato had not lived to be 111, but more like 81. The family is being investigated for pension fraud.
Ah, the bad apples that spoil the barrel. What is to be done about them?
The officials in Suginami Ward (obviously a hotbed of longevity) shook their heads in disbelief. "It's isolated incidents like this that give everyone the wrong impression about longevity in Tokyo!"
Another day. Suginami Ward officials head out to pay their respects and give recognition to Ms. Furuya who, at 113 years old, is the oldest woman in Tokyo. Greeted at the door by her daughter, they discover that Ms. Furuya does not live there anymore. Despite the centenarian being registered at that address, the daughter claims that her elderly mother has not lived there for years, but is living with her brother with whom she has no contact. Upon investigation, authorities find that the house where the brother was supposed to be living had been torn down to make way for a highway. When they catch up with him later, he claims to have no knowledge of his mother either.
Uh oh. Suddenly everyone over 100 is suspect of not being over 100 anymore. Orders have been sent out, and now (even in the rural prefecture where we live, Niigata) social workers are going door-to-door to check on the welfare of the centenarians in their communities. As of tonight, no "missing" 100-year-olds have been discovered here in Niigata, but around the country? Nearly 200 centenarians remain unaccounted for.
Are you thinking what I am thinking?
No, not THAT thought!
The one about the 90-year-olds. That one.
Maybe a lot of them are missing too?
But on another note, Japan has long been concerned about the aging of its population and how the proportion of elderly folks is so high relative to the number of young people who are working to pay the way. Good news for the workers: there may not be so many old people after all!
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