The Brain Bane of Memory

One of the predicaments that plagues us seniors is memory failure. I have written about this in previous posts, offering advice and palliative solutions to this difficult problem. But what we really need is an all-out effort to deal with this condition once and for all – to go for a cure.
We tend to think of sleep as a time of rest. Our bodies relax and our minds dream randomly, maybe making some interesting associations that we can discuss with our therapist. So I was surprised to read recently that our brains try to remember things not only when we are wide awake, but also while we are sleeping. Important research done at UCLA has demonstrated that one of the activities our brains engage in while sleeping is trying to remember stuff (in addition to wondering whether we should get up to pee even though the floor is cold or just try to hold it until morning). It's like our brains don't get enough of this during our waking hours. They need to sort memories out and file them away in their proper niches without us being around to confuse them with worries about where we left the car keys (in the fridge, duh?).
What I am concerned about here is that as we age, obviously our brains get less able to handle new information or even process the material that is already in there. So while you are sleeping, your brain is busy at work picking up memories, looking at the zip codes, and because they forgot their reading glasses, filing them in the wrong slot. When you are awake, these little glitches have a bad enough effect, but during the day, your brain is engaged in many other activities, such as driving the car, making you scream at the slow-motion moron in front of you, and then later, helping you spend an hour trying to find your car in the mall parking lot. It just does not have much time to devote to this memory-sorting process.
When you are sleeping, however, it has about eight hours of uninterrupted time to make a complete mess of things in there!
Think about this.
Remember Governor Perry of Texas during the Republican primary debates and his famous inability to remember the third item on his list of three government agencies he would close? Apparently he had a sleep disorder that caused this lapse. The Governor is only 62 years old; it's probably unlikely that he is suffering from early-onset dementia. What really happened was that after he fell asleep at night, his brain would get active in there and start remembering stuff and filing things in their proper places, but he interrupted the process.
It went something like this:

Perry Brain: OK... gotta sort things out here... lessee... three departments of government... need to put them in the GONE slot... Commerce... ok! ... Education... ok! ... and...
The governor woke up suddenly due to his sleep disorder, and his poor brain put the Energy Department into the fridge.

When we get even older, the brain might confuse these things on its own, so a clear solution to the problem is to train your brain while you sleep. You need to keep it on its toes or it might doze off at the wheel in there. This can be done through carefully implemented aroma therapy. Smells are well-known for their ability to stimulate memories. Stimulating your brain while you sleep by making it register nice smells and bad odors will not only help it to sort your memories properly but also give you a mechanism for triggering them again once you are awake!
It's a win-win solution.
Forget where you left your car keys? Just sniff that herbal shampoo and bingo, you will know immediately to look in the fridge. Can't remember that song that you loved when you were in college? Smell that rotten fish and presto, you will have it stuck in your head all day.

Only by taking active steps to keep our brains awake and functioning properly in our sleeping heads can we be assured that our active hours won't be plagued by forgetfulness. To paraphrase an old proverb, For the want of a memory, a Presidency was lost.

China Wants More Pie

I am sure that most of you have been following the back-and-forth over the Senkaku or Diaoyu Islands that are claimed by Japan, Taiwan and China. In addition, the Chinese have been having disputes with Southeast Asian nations over the South China Sea. Vietnam and the Philippines claim islands and territorial limits at sea in those areas which are close to their lands, but China says the whole of the sea is an inherent territory of China.
Of course this position by a Great Power wannabe is intriguing, so yours truly – Hard Hitting News Hound – obtained an interview with a representative of the Chinese government.
Due to the interview ground rules, I am not able to reveal his name, except to say that he is a "high ranking cadre" in the State Council of the People's Republic of China.
I will call him Zhang.
HHNH (me): Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Zhang.
Zhang: It is my pleasure.
HHNH: I am interested in China's claims to islands south of Japan. What is your country's position about those islands.
Z: They are an inalienable part of Chinese territory.
HHNH: Taiwan also claims them; how do you feel about that?
Z: Taiwan is also an integral part of China, so its claim is merely an extension of our own. In any case, the whole Ryukyu Island archipelago was a part of the great Ming Dynasty, so Japan's claim even to Okinawa is dubious.
HHNH: What about the South China Sea? How can China claim areas that are clearly much closer to neighboring Southeast Asian nations such as Vietnam, Malaysia, or the Philippines.
Z: These areas have been part of China for hundreds of years. Our legitimate claim is based on historical fact.
HHNH: But the James Shoal, for example, is only 80 km from Malaysia but 1800 km from the nearest Chinese mainland.
Z: What are you talking about? That IS Chinese territory. Our claims are based on historical reality! They don't call it the South Malaysia Sea, do they? (He pulls a cigarette out of a package on his desk and furiously taps it on the arm of his chair.)
HHNH: But what about those islands that are so close to Vietnam? Surely they would be part of Vietnam, wouldn't they?
Z: Nonsense! Complete nonsense. Those islands belong to the People's Republic of China. In fact, Vietnam itself was once part of China during the Ming Dynasty, so we claim it too.
HHNH: I suppose the same applies to Tibet?
Z: Of course! Tibet was never an independent country. It has ALWAYS been an integral part of China from time immemorial! (He lights his cigarette and waves it around.)
HHNH: What other claims does China make to adjacent territories?
Z: You Westerners don't know much about history, do you? China traditionally ruled over what is now Korea as well.
HHNH: Korea?! But that is an independent country.
Z: Well, due to American imperialism, half of Korea has remained separated from us, but we Chinese can never forget that during the Yuen Dynasty it was a contiguous part of China.
HHNH: But wait a minute, wasn't the Yuen Dynasty a Mongolian dynasty?
Z: They became Chinese. And so we also claim Mongolia and parts of Russia that traditionally were included in the Yuen Empire.
HHNH: But the Mongolians controlled most of Central Asia at one time....
Z: Exactly, and once we resolve these pesky issues with Japan and the Southeast Asian countries, we will turn our attention to Central Asia. After all, all of those lands west of Xinjiang Province were once part of the great Chinese Tang Dynasty! (He emphasizes "Chinese" with a puff of smoke.)
HHNH: Your country doesn't have any claims in North America, does it?
Z: We are exploring evidence that Chinese settlers may have come to the Western Hemisphere before the Europeans. One of your Western authors has written a book about this. Of course, we would not expel all the Europeans who are there now, but I believe we must work out a resource-sharing agreement with them and divide the lands equitably.
HHNH: Is there ANY part of the World that China cannot lay claim to?
Z: We have no historical connection to Chad. (He stubs out his cigarette emphatically.) By the way, I notice that you were born in China, Mr. Pterosaurish.
HHNH: Er... yes? Does China want to claim me too?
Z: (His uproarious laugh ends in a rasping cough.) No... no, Mr. Pterosaurish. Trust me... we don't want you... no way... (cough cough cough).
HHNH: Thank you for your time, Mr. Zhang.
Z: It was my pleasure.

The Romney Repression

I am blab... er... blogging about politics today. 
Yeah... yeah, I know. It's not funny, but it's FUN!
You will be delighted to know that both Mitt Romney (now running for President of the United States) and his running mate, Paul Ryan (now running for bucket of warm piss), are in the best of health! Mitt Romney (65) takes a "baby aspirin" everyday and is closely monitored for prostate cancer. Paul Ryan is also in the pink (not TOO red, right?), though his doctors feel that maybe he stretched the truth about his body fat. 

He said, they said; who you gonna believe, right?

So both of them are healthy specimens physically.

But what about their mental capacity?

What if they were suffering from serious mental illness; how would we know about it? 

The doctors who gave them their physicals didn't ask them questions related to mental health.

Scenario

Dr.: "So, Mr. Romney... you are running for President. How do you handle all the pressure and so on; are you OK?

Romney: I am fine... I am very fine! Why do you ask such a question? Running for President is challenging. My wife just said so! I mean... if you don't like what I am doing, why don't YOU step up to the plate and do something?!!
Dr: It's not about me... but why don't you talk about that for a while? Tell us about "stepping up to the plate".....
Romney: Yeah! My father told me, "Mitt, never get involved in politics if you have to win an election to pay a mortgage." So, I am in politics because I feel that the right person needs to come forward and step up to the plate, step up to the plate and DO the job that needs to be done! In the country.... and in Washington and around the World. I am that right person.
Dr: "Stepping up to the plate" seems important to you... why don't you tell me about "stepping up to the plate" in detail. What does that mean to you in your life?
Romney: In my life?
Dr: Yes... what does it mean?
Romney: Well... er ... what does one do at the plate exactly? 
Dr: I would like to know how you feel about it. What does "the plate" represent to you in YOUR life?
Romney: OK... I am ready to step up to the plate and eat whatever is on it! Even if it is ethnic or involves small varmints that I shot. 
When I was a missionary in France someone gave me this plate of ... never mind... Anyway... I will eat anything.

Dr: Small varmints? I see... And you were a missionary in France? Can you talk a little more about that?
Romney: Yes... I ... er... I was working out of a Mormon Church and bicycling around with my helmet and necktie and trying to get people to come to my church?
Dr: I see... and... why were you doing this?
Romeny: Well... it was something we all did... ha ha... like going to dances or ... hanging out together... you know... like norm... er... other people do.... heh heh.
Dr: I see.... and you "stepped up to the plate" in France?
Romney: Oh! Yes.... I ate everything they gave me. I would eat EVERYTHING on the plate and I would not find it offensive even if it were ethnic or French. I mean – after all – my father was raised in Mexico! I am a Latino once removed! You cannot out-ethnic me! Ha Ha!
Dr: I see... So let me prescribe....

So... I know... I know... it's a dirty nasty job, but SOMEbody has to do it, right?

I volunteer to check out their mental health.

WARNING! Pterosaurish is not a mental-health professional.

Notwithstanding... (can you believe that is one word?) let's have a look at their mental health.

First of all, why don't we just eliminate Ryan from this investigation? Since both candidates are in such great health, even IF Romney is elected, he will likely serve out his full term and Ryan will not have to step into his Presidential shoes on account of sudden death.

So back to Mr. Romney.

He made that recently famous statement about the 47% of Americans who "are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them". And shouldn't they quit being whining, moochers on the "job creators", right? 

He is clearly ticked off about people, free-loading off of the rest of us tax-paying citizens. 

Who wouldn't be? 

Unless it was your own parents.

Oops! We have a problem.

1. Mitt Romney hates people mooching off the "job creators" who obviously pay ALL the taxes and even make government possible.

2. His own parents were mooching off the "job creators" who obviously pay ALL the taxes and even make government possible.

This sounds like a psychological issue to me, simple though I may be.

Especially since he was the youngest child in his family. 

Everyone knows the "baby of the family" is coddled relentlessly, so why did he develop these symptoms of hating his parents so much that he would not even allow them to mooch off his largess in the tax scheme of things?

Since I am not a mental health professional, at times like these, I consult the DSM IV (for you laypeople, this is holy scripture for the psychology community).

Apparently, last born children "may be more likely to experience personality problems later in life".

Why?

"This is the child who grows up knowing that he has the least amount of power in the whole family.  He sees his older siblings having more freedom and more superiority.  He also gets pampered and protected more than any other child did.  This could leave him with a sense that he cannot take on the world alone and will always be inferior to others."

Clearly Romney has unresolved issues related to his up-bringing that might impact his ability to function as President, and he is acting out his hostility towards his parents by denying them (psychically) their claim to government largess. He even said he would have a "better shot of winning" if his parents were Latino. By being hostile to the "moochers" in our society, he is finally "coming into his own" relative to his siblings, asserting his superiority over the accomplishments of his parents. He is definitely working through these serious mental symptoms, but at what cost? Even his wife is concerned about his "mental well-being" if he becomes President.
What IS it with Republican Presidential nominees these days?

George W. did this too, of course, wanting to outdo his father, even starting an unnecessary war over it (remember that?). Fortunately, Mitt is not in a position to start a war (yet), so what we see are these psychological chickens from his past, coming home to roost on his policies today. Mitt only wants to be elected President – very badly. He will say anything at all and adjust his positions 180° if necessary to get elected (and has), truly the etch-a-sketch man.

Compared to him, President Obama with his single-parent, bi-cultural, multi-ethnic background seems simple! Simple is something I can relate to.

Self-Help for the Hopeless

In surfing around the Internet, you frequently stumble upon self-help columns: how to lose those extra pounds, are you getting enough vitamin D, or did you forget your car keys in the refrigerator again?
Some go even farther, offering complete life guidelines to help desperate people fix up their lives and get back on the track to wherever it is they are going.
I saw a sign for a Vibrational Psychology office recently and looked it up, only to find that it is a real thing! I mean it IS on the Internet, so it must be real and scientific and all, right? It starts by describing us, "As vibrational beings...." I had no idea! There are a lot of words on their home page, and since I am word-challenged, I only read some of them, but it seems like the gist of it is that we vibrate a lot at some quantum physics level and that if we can only "tune-up" those vibrations (with the help of the vibrational psychologist of course – $90~120/hour), we can become better people.
Since I cannot afford even one session at that rate, and also feel that my vibes are probably not that out of sync, I checked out another site that offers free advice on how to spruce up your life and live a better you! Now, this is spiritual advice, mind you, not Dear Abby-sort of advice. The adviser's name is Deepak Chopra which – to me at least – sounds profoundly spiritual by itself. If you say it repeatedly in a slow, deep voice, it becomes a kind of mantra which probably could reduce your blood pressure or at least improve your pronunciation.
What is Deepak's advice?
1. Be passionate about your life and the experiences you fill it with.
This sounds really good if your life is going well, but what if you are filling your life with armed robberies or listless dope smoking?
In that case you need to go to...
2. Remain open to as much input as possible.
I can see this. When the driver behind me is tailgating and honking his horn, I should be open to his input and maybe... what?... slam on the brakes?
3. Don't shut down the feedback loop with judgment, rigid beliefs, and prejudices.
Right. What I understand this fancy expression to mean is, if you have judgmentally rigid beliefs and prejudices, stop them.
4. Don't censor incoming data through denial.
This is like #2 above. If you remain open, you also must not deny the incoming data. It will definitely upset your vibrations and then you will need to pay money to see the vibrational psychologist.
5. Examine other points of view as if they were your own.
I do this all the time. I look at – say – the Republican Party's ideas as if they were my own, and then when I switch back, I wonder how in the world I could have taken such serious leave of my senses. Was I out of my mind?!
6. Take possession of everything in your life. Be self-sufficient.
I have started farming and drilling for oil on my land already! And those of you who have borrowed tools and stuff from me? Give them back right away! I am keeping the ones in my possession though. Sorry.
7. Work on psychological blocks like shame and guilt – they falsely color your reality.
Really! Ain't it the TRUTH! In fact, my reality is actually colored a pastel green, but all my shames and guilts have turned it into a really disgusting orange color. I need to "work on it". What do you want to bet I need to PAY someone to find out how to "work on it"?
8. Free yourself emotionally – to be emotionally resilient is the best defense against growing rigid.
Some basic stretching exercises help too. Like touching your toes without bending your knees and such. You CAN see your toes, right? Oh... "emotionally resilient". It's the same, but you do the bending over and touching your toes emotionally.
9. Harbor no secrets – they create dark places in the psyche.
This is part of the Dark Matter that astronomers are talking about these days. Every secret you harbor, becomes part of the Dark Matter of the universe, contributing to the separation of the galaxies, the development of black holes, and the eventual victory of the Evil Empire.
10. Be willing to redefine yourself every day.
Mitt Romney has this down pat! But for the rest of us, I am not so sure it's a good idea. Yesterday I was a really nice guy, loving and caring, hard working and socially responsible, so TODAY.... MWAHAHAHAHA!! No more Mr. Nice Guy!
11. Don't regret the past or fear the future. Both bring misery through self-doubt.
He should have stopped at 10.

I hope this examination of helping yourself has been as meaningful for you as it has for me. After all, God helps those who help themselves. I would like to help myself too, but I have run out of fried chicken for the time being.

Let's Get It On... er... With God?

I am sure you have seen the ads for FINDING YOUR CHRISTIAN SOUL MATE ON THE INTERNET! I saw one just today. A young couple – both of whom who could cut back on going to church (if you get my drift) – were going on and on about finding each other.
I apologize for shouting above, but this is big news. There actually is a website where you can do "Christian dating". Their slogan? "Find God's choice for you!"
No more Craigslist, no more personal ads on datehookup, you don't need to post your personal ad on the cork board in the supermarket or put an ad in your local free paper anymore.
No, it's wide open now. You can make requests!
You can find a person who has the same religious orientation as you. What could be more cool?

Are you a loser without friends because you cling to Jesus and creationism? Do your colleagues at work make fun of you because you think the world is only 6000 years old? Are you really fat from spending too much time in a pew?

DO NOT WORRY!

God has chosen someone out there for you! Log on to christianmingle dot com and find the love of your life. Hopefully you won't get two or three possibilities, because then you will have to go through the awful spectacle that the Republican Presidential candidates did even though they were all chosen by God.

So... I wondered... is there an "islammingle.com".?
No, dating site, but if you want to get married, you can find your future spouse here!
Don't expect too much from the photo gallery of women, however. Pick your spouse from among the burqa covered figures.

Muslim Man: I can't tell what you look like; are you hot?
Muslim Woman: Are you kidding me? I am suffocating in here... of COURSE I am hot....

How about Hindus and "hindumingle.com"?
Yes! Wouldn't you just KNOW it? There is a site: for Hindu believers.

Woman: We have so many gods to pay our allegiance to ... but we also invented the kama sutra and tantra sex. OMG... we can really get it on, can't we? Please call (206)359-xxxx or email me at kamasutra-maybe@gmail.com. Don't be from Delhi, I really hate guys from Delhi.

So... how about Buddhists? We don't automatically think of them as being heavy into dating, but let's have a look.
Yep! There is a site: buddha dating. It looks a little "home made" to me, so if you are a Buddhist single, you might want to exercise some caution when signing on to this site. A lot of the other people there might not actually be Buddhists. They might be – like – something else... perverts, for example. Just saying.
Mitt Romney was just nominated as the Republican party's candidate for President of the United States. Why they wanted to do that, I have no clue, BUT... Romney is a Mormon.
What if YOU are a Mormon, is there a site out there for you to find your one true love?
Let's have a look.
Oh yes... there most definitely IS! All you Mormons are in LUCK, seriously. They don't call themselves Mormons but rather Latter Day Saints... LDS... sounds like a learning disability, but what do *I know?
Obviously, on their site there are none of the "exotic" Craigslist choices. You have "Plain Vanilla A and Plain Vanilla B", period. You do not get the choice of saying "Man for Man" or "Woman for Woman" or "Human for Goat" or "Do you walk upright?" etc. Nope, those Latter Day Saints toe a line. Thank some god that they are Latter Day and not Future Day. We could all be in trouble.
Let's move along.
When it comes to religion, I am an equal opportunity offender.
Jewmingle dot com? Let's see....
You bet! There is a site where you can meet someone from the Jewish faith!

Man: You are hot and I love you. But, my mother says your family does not keep kosher. Is this true?
Woman: Oh, yes... we do, Mervin. We even have separate dishwashers for dairy and meat dishes.
Man: Is that eco-friendly?
Woman: Um... I donno, but do you love me?
Man: More than the cheeseburger I had for lunch!
Woman: OOOoooooooo! That's a lot!" (squeal squeal)

What's next... I think I have covered a lot of the major religions, so let's see if the minor religions also have dating sites!

Minor Religion Practioner: Hey! We are not "minor religions"; I resent that! And can you remove the "Minor Religion" above?"
Pterosaurish: I am so sorry. I really don't mean to offend... well....actually I do, but not in a bad way. I will try to be nicer from now on.
* * Practioner: It's not a good thing for you to poke fun at us. Even though we don't have so many adherents, it doesn't mean we are bogus! Hello? I mean... there are as many practitioners of Voodoo as there are Mormons. (Thanks for not calling us "minor")
Pterosaurish: REALLY?! OK... that's next! (I try not to be too cruel)

Let's look for voodoo mingle...
Nope... no specific site, but you can find out that the voodoo goddess of wisdom requires the sacrifice of seeds and swamp plants here. A proper incantation might get someone to fall in love with you: a sacrificial chicken nailed to her door, a swamp plant in her bed. You figure it out! But ... hey.... if you find the one you want, what could be better? I vote for the ritual to make the one you want fall in love with you.
Any other religious dating sites? Let me know.

Undesignated Gangs

The whole Japanese nation is shocked!
How is it possible that a gang of ten masked men can enter a club in a tony part of Tokyo and bludgeon a man to death with pipes and baseball bats.
There are obvious questions: who were they, why did they single out that one man, and how come they didn't kill 37 innocent bystanders in a spray of automatic weapons fire like they would have in America?
The article explains that they were probably members of an "undesignated criminal organization".
Sometimes, we humor bloggers have to leave the comfort of our wine-and-cheese-and-wine passivity and take on a new role: Hard Hitting News Hound!
Yes, even yours truly has pushed the envelope with hard-hitting, in-depth investigations about the Yakuza (Japanese mafia) and how the police are taking them on. At great risk to myself and my... my........ hmmm....
ANYWAY!
At great risk, I have reported on how the dangerous Yakuza are in direct confrontation with the National Police Agency and also on how they are extending their tentacles into marriage, but despite these risks, I continue to point the spotlight of TRUTH on them.
The question that needs to be asked right here and right now is how could an undesignated criminal organization get away with this.
I needed to talk to the police, so I arranged an interview with my connection at the National Police Agency, Captain Kanarazu Taiho.

Hard Hitting News Hound (me): Thank you for agreeing to meet me, Captain Taiho.
CT: It's my pleasure. We here at the National Police Agency welcome the interest of the press in our efforts to control crime in this country. Did you know that we solve over 85% of the crimes committed in Japan? (he leans forward and looks at me with his eyebrows raised expectantly)
HHNH: That's truly amazing....
CT: Haven't I seen you before? (he lights up a cigarette) You don't mind if I smoke, right? I know you foreigners are sensitive to smoking.....
HHNH: Oh... no... it's OK. But yes, I did interview you before about the issue of "designated criminal organizations".
CT: I heard that you also talked to Lieutenant Wairo about our efforts to suppress gang activity (he raises his eyebrows again suggestively)?
HHNH: Yes, I did. A few months ago....
CT: Did he say anything about that soapland over in Meguro (a Tokyo district)?
HHNH: Er... he did give me a card for Charmy Bliss Soapland... is that the one?
CT: Oh.... no.... never mind. (he scribbles something onto a note pad) OK. What can I do for you Mr. Pterosaurish? Did you overstay your visa again?
HHNH: No, that is not what I want to talk to you about.
CT: Your alien registration is expired?
HHNH: No, not that. What I wanted to talk....
CT: Maybe, you have modified your car to be a little outside of the legally permissible parameters? You DO have those funny tubes on the front bumper....
HHNH: You know about those?.... No, what I wanted to talk to you about is the recent killing in the Flower Club in Roppongi, and how it was done by an "undesignated criminal gang".
CT: Ah... yes... the murder with the pipes and baseball bats. Can you believe it took them two minutes to kill him?
HHNH: Um... what?
CT: This is what I have been trying to convey to the media for ALL these many years (he shakes his head, removes his glasses and polishes them with his handkerchief). If we permit undesignated gangs to do this sort of thing, we are allowing incompetents to handle gang activity. This is beyond the pale. Two minutes? That is TOTALLY unreasonable. A registered gang would have done it in less than one minute for sure!
HHNH: I was wondering about that...
CT: Yes. I confess that I am a little anal about this issue. I really cannot believe that WE – here at the National Police Agency – would allow an UNdesignated criminal gang to kill someone in a club! That is simply OUTRAGEOUS (his spittle flecks my notepad)! Now, I have tried... over these many years... to make sure that ALL the gangs out there have every avenue to register with us. I asked for and received special funds... SPECIAL FUNDS I tell you... did you know that we are on a restricted budget now because of all the natural disasters and so on?... yes... but even so... I got SPECIAL funds to go out and canvass the gangs around the country and make sure that they are all registered so that we can complete the "designation process". But wouldn't you know it! (He tosses back his hair and snorts the cigarette smoke out of his nostrils) One gang simply refuses to register. What can I do about this? I ask you! What can I do?!!
HHNH: Er... arrest them?
CT: Are you completely out of your mind or just a usual foreigner? Are you kidding me? We can't arrest them. They are not registered yet! Let me make this clear to you (he raises his eyebrows again.... several times)... We only arrest members of designated gangs who have committed crimes which fall under the "designated criminal activity code" crimes. Running into a club in Roppongi and bludgeoning to death a patron in a club is one thing, but not registering in advance and becoming a designated criminal organization... I am telling you... this is too much. Our nation is going to seed here! I really have started to think that maybe I should emigrate somewhere... maybe America.
HHNH: You want to emigrate to America?
CT: No... I am sorry... it's too dangerous over there. But we really do need to make sure that all our criminal gangs are registered here.... do you have any ideas?
HHNH: Voter registration is a big issue in my country..... might you take advantage of some of those techniques?
CT: Voter registration, you say? What is that? Anyway... yes... we are interested in ANYway to get the criminal gangs to come in and become "designated gangs". Once we get them on board, we will be able to count on them to not take so long to bludgeon their victims... I mean.... 2 minutes? Hello?... and things will be much smoother.
HHNH: So registration is the main thing....?
CT: Absolutely! We simply cannot allow gangs to be unregistered. We must be able to designate them officially before they can conduct any sort of gangland activity.
And did you say the Charmy Bliss Soapland?
HHNH: What?... oh... Lieutenant Wairo's recommendation.... I am so sorry... I didn't actually go there.
CT: Foreigners (he rolls his eyes)! You need to get out and experience more of Japanese culture, you know. We had a civilization when you foreigners were still living in caves and trees.
HHNH: Yes... um... whatever... thank you for your time, Captain Taiho, I really appreciate it.
CT: Anytime, foreigner.

Commercial Calories

I was going to write about the religious right in the US again and its incomprehensible belief in creationism. The rest of the world shakes its head in wonder that these citizens of the most powerful nation on the planet seem to believe something that is so starkly wrong.
Didn't they get ANY science in school?
I wanted to explain this phenomenon to our friends abroad by showing that these folks themselves are evidence that the Theory of Evolution is correct.
They are proof that humans are evolving from earlier life forms; they ARE the missing link between our benighted past and our enlightened future.
But a more pressing discovery intervened.
As I have discussed in a previous post, Americans tend to pack on the pounds. In fact, we carry the equivalent of two entire Swedens on our national body in excess blubber.
How did we let ourselves go like this?
The reasons might seem obvious: we eat too much, we don't exercise, we spend too much time in church, but clearly these cannot account for all the added pounds. If you talk to anyone who is overweight, many seem to be just as baffled by their bulk as you are.
"I don't know why I look like the Goodyear blimp; I only eat salads!"
And as you watch them, you see it is true. They often don't eat any more than thinner people.
So how can one account for this national problem? Could millions of people have some sort of metabolic disorder?
Unlikely.
What they do have, however, is TV.
99% of Americans have an average of 2.24 TVs in their homes and spend many hours a week in front of the flickering screen.
What are they watching?
Food commercials! A lot of food commercials.
The commercial for the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden, for example, shows a healthy looking group, preparing to enjoy endless bowls of differently flavored pasta — all shown, close up in their calorie rich redolence. Or consider the Pizza Hut commercial. It shows pizza after calorie laden pizza, but the two couples in the ad are not fat at all! Another ad, Carl's Jr, shows two slim and trim women in bikinis making and eating enormous, pulled pork-stuffed cheeseburgers.
Clearly the food is not doing THEM any harm.
So what gives?
We need to approach this scientifically and analyze the data. Who watches the most TV in the US? Men watch an average of 29 hours per week while women log in at 34 hours per week. Who tends to be more obese? Men or women? The stats show that women tend to be more obese than men.
Clearly watching the food commercials themselves is what is making the US population overweight! Somehow, seeing the deliciously presented food in all of its savory splendor causes our bodies to react by storing up fat, a kind of Pavlovian reaction. In the same way that a fearful situation can make our bodies respond with adrenaline and a "fight or flight" reaction, watching food commercials on TV makes us gain weight. Your brain sees an almost pornographic food commercial on the boob-tube and says, "OMG! Look at that chicken pot pie!" and sends a message to your fat cells to "go Goodyear".
Which brings me to my new diet idea.
Since your weight gain is most likely to have been caused by watching these commercials and NOT by the half-gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough, Häagan Dazs ice cream you had after dinner, you can reduce your weight by the simple expedient of turning off the TV when a food commercial comes on, or – better yet – get up from your couch and go get a beer and some chips and salsa to avoid exposing your body to those pernicious, subliminal (and subcutaneous) influences.