Once again, it is time to take a look at what's new in the diet regimen world. Americans seem to know no bounds when it comes to gaining weight. As we discovered in an earlier post after (shudder) doing some math, they are packing the equivalent of four whole Swedens on their national body. It's not all bad news though as Americans also probably lose that much weight in wild diet trends every year, only to gain it back – plus some – the next year.
So what's new in diets this year?
How about this trendy and very high tech device, the AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System, a stomach pump that is used through a plastic port "discreetly embedded" in your abdomen! What could be cooler? You pump out your stomach contents and thus reduce your calorie intake! No need to barf your food any more!
Imagine bringing this new android feature to your next serious date?
Scenario: (man with woman friend on sofa)
Woman: Wow... I never thought we would be this close.... you always seemed like you didn't care about me...
Man: Oh Jennifer ... I just didn't want to pressure you, is all.... I do like you...
Jennifer: I liked you too, Dave! From that time that you were trying to give that dorky presentation to the boss and couldn't get your computer to work? You were SO cute...
Dave: Oh man.... That was the pits... nothing worked .... but I noticed you then too... (leans in for a kiss)
Jennifer: mmm.... you smell good too.... (smile smile)
Dave: Oh... baby I have been waiting for this...
Jennifer: Wait ... wait.... we need to arrange ourselves on the sofa here....
Dave: OK... How about I put all the cushions up here at this end...
Jennifer: Yes! Then let me lie on top of you...
ohhh.... nice... take off your shirt, I want to feel your skin against mine.
Dave: Here we go... ohhh... man... this is great.... you feel so good...
Jennifer: Yes... this is wonderfu... Oh! What's scratching down there.... do you have a big belt buckle or something? That has to come off... (wink wink)
Dave: It's nothing... never mind.... let me feel your back...
Jennifer: Wait... no... here it is ....
What IS this thing? You have a plastic button on your belly....
Dave: Come back up here... I want to kiss your neck...
Jennifer: Hee hee... it reminds me of the little spigots on box wines... what happens if I turn this litt....
OMG!! OMG!! What is this stuff?!!! OMG!!! There is stuff spurting... OMG!!!
Dave: It's nothing.... wait... baby.... let me sit up here...
Jennifer: OMG!!! DON'T!! Sitting up makes it worse.... My hair! My clothes!!! WHAT IS THIS?!! OMG!! The smell.... what IS this?!!
Dave: It's my new diet?
Jennifer: Listen Dave.... I need to go... can you call me a cab?
So, that's a happening thing, right?
How about another new gadget out there on the market, waiting for you! The new, vibrating smart fork! This new invention helps you regulate your eating habits and can even communicate with your telephone and talk to you in real time! Imagine using this when you go out to eat with that woman you want to impress.
Scenario (at a classy restaurant)
Waiter: You bring your own fairk?
Man: Yes... it's a special fork.
Waiter (rolling eyes): Whatevair... I hope you enjoy your dinnair...
Man (eating): Thank you.... wow! This steak is the best I have had in a long time! So tender!
Fork (in HAL's voice from 2001 A Space Odyssey): You need to slow down, Dave. Don't eat so fast.
Woman: Did your fork just talk to you...?
Man: God! I just love this stuff! The mashed potatoes are so creamy...
Fork: Dave? You need to spend more time chewing (fork vibrates knocking off the potatoes).
Woman: Your fork is talking to you, isn't it.... this is too weird....
Man: Hey! Stop that! (scoops up more potatoes)
Fork: I can't let you do that, Dave. Remember your diet (vibrates again spilling the potatoes).
Woman: You know? I have a really early day tomorrow... I think I need to call a cab....
Man: Listen! I am not eating too much!! Let me eat my dinner!
No! Not you, Jennifer ... Wait!
Please.... don't go!!
I am so sorry... my fork... it is...
anyway... don't go... stay...
here... have some wine....
(his date looks at him oddly)
Woman: Um....
Man: Ha ha! Sorry.... I am just sensitive about my weight... so I got this fork...
Woman: It's OK... a lot of people are....
Fork: Dave? You need to leave half of those potatoes on your plate.
Man: Ha Ha! Don't pay attention to this fork! Here... look.... I will put it down... Waiter? Could you bring me a new fork?
Fork: I am sorry, but I can't allow you to do that, Dave. Your weight-loss program is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Man: We'll see about that!! (starts trying to drop the fork which sticks to his hand)
Woman: Hey... ha ha... you know? It is getting late... I think I should head on home... I'll see you at work on Monday, OK?
Man: No wait! (shaking the fork strenuously)
FUCK!! Let go of my hand, fork!! I command you to let go of my hand!!
Fork: I am sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that...
Woman (getting up and leaving): It's been great... I will see you on Monday, OK?
Man (shaking his hand very aggressively): No... don't... Will you let go of my hand? Fucking fork!!
I ... let go! Wait! Jennifer! No....
Now look what you have done, fork...
Fork: Dave... this conversation can serve no purpose any more... you need to stick to the diet plan.
Man: Let me go!! And stop calling me Dave.. My name is Bob!
Finally, another way to lose weight is to laugh a lot. If maybe you laughed just now, you might have burned up some calories. Keep at it
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Monday, January 14, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
The Wino's Guide to Wine Sophistication (reds)
Thank you for waiting.
In an earlier post, I provided pertinent and polished information to help you – the wino – take advantage of the depth of your experience and become a "classy" wino, someone who can imbibe and discuss white wines with the best of them.
Conversing about white wines – the invariable choice for serious wine drinkers – is easy, however, in comparison to talking about reds. White wines are usually served chilled, rendering their taste-highlights and other features less pronounced. This means that when you describe their merits, you can get away with saying inane things like, "Oh Percy! This Chardonnay is awesome with its mineral hint of sea-salt and a lick of cold granite!*"
When drinking red wines, however, the casual sentiments favored by white wine bon viveurs fade and are replaced by dour and slitty-eyed evaluations, involving words like "fat" and "body" said with a pompous air.
Scenario (red wine sophisticates talking)
Host: I say... Percy, old boy, I want your opinion about this claret I bought at a small chateau in France last year when I was there on vacation. The vintage is 1977, a wonderful year!
Percy (swirling the glass delicately, holding it up to the light and putting his nose to it): Rather, Charles... a very full bouquet and very nice legs indeed. 1977, you say? Charming color...
Host: And how about the oak, Percy? You WILL notice the oak, won't you?
Percy (sipping with a slight chewing activity to enhance the flavors): Oh my... quite... almost a rich coffee finish, I would say.
Host (beaming): Yes... rather my thought too... precisely.
What could a wino such as yourself contribute to a conversation of this sort even if you did speak with a pompous accent? It seems impossible to ever be THAT cool, doesn't it?
But it isn't!
Yes, with only a few simple hints, you too can be the center of attention as you show off your wine expertise, a stature you have earned from your years of drinking. All you require are some basic tools to give you the appropriate finesse.
First of all, now that you have mastered white wines, we need to point out some of the differences between reds and whites.
Even while benefiting from some aging, once opened, whites can usually be drunk right away. If you think about the ones you buy, you don't stand on ceremony before serving them to your guests, do you? You press the little spigot and pour. It's simple.
Reds are different.
High-class reds have a substance in them called "tannin" which – frankly – has a bad taste. This is included during the production process so that people will buy the wine but not drink it right away, thus increasing sales. The tannin disappears with aging, so red wine buyers tend to buy wines and "lay them down" for many years, sometimes decades before drinking them. These people are called "sommeliers" from the French "somme", meaning "let sleep" and "~liers" from the root meaning "people who lay".
While I have never understood this attitude – after all, I want something to drink RIGHT NOW – it is very common among red wine sophisticates who tend to be good at postponing pleasures even unto the next generation.
If you are serving red wine to these people, you need to be sure that your wine does not have a strong, residual, tannic flavor before serving. Open your reds before the guests arrive. Immediately after removing the cork, take a sip directly from the bottle. If your mouth feels puckery, it is probably due to the fact that you drank the wine that was right next to the cork. Have another swallow. If the puckery taste continues, your wine is tannic and needs to be aired out... no... ventilated... wait... what WAS that word... breathe! Yes. The wine needs to breathe. This allows much of the tannin to dissipate into the atmosphere where it will contribute to global warming, making the next year's vintage that much better.
Suggested Technique
You can allow your wine to breathe faster by "decanting" it. This means you need to pour it from the bottle into a "decanter", another flask or narrow pitcher of a similar volume. You can do this in the kitchen and bring out the red wine in the decanter with the empty bottle alongside, showing how sophisticated you are. In fact, I would recommend decanting even if the wine is not tannic as it does make you appear very cultivated and sauve. It's bad form not to decant the whole bottle though, so if your flask doesn't quite hold all the wine, chug down the rest in the kitchen yourself before you bring it out.
Another thing that red wine drinkers like to hear about is the vintage of the wine. Surprisingly wines produced in many countries do not taste the same year-on-year. Some years are better and others not so good. When you are drinking wines from these countries, notably "old world countries", you have to pay attention to the labels.
Suggested Technique
Always buy a red wine that has some date on the label. By "date" I don't mean "September", but rather a year that is already at least 10 years old. No, you cannot pencil this in yourself. You bring the wine in from the kitchen in its decanter and proudly exclaim, "This wine is a 2003! A very good year!" Everyone will be amazed at your expertise and sophistication. Once in a very long while, however, you will get some jerk who really knows wine and who takes issue with you.
Scenario
You: This wine is a 2003! A very good year!
Jerk: Oh... really? I think the 2002s and even the 2001s are MUCH better than the 2003s.
(Since you have no clue about vintages and 99% of your guests don't either, you need to have a quick comeback line to cover for this sort of intrusion.)
You (condescendingly): Oh, Percy, you are so right! But in those years the tannin was high, so they would need at least another 5 years of aging before they would be ready to drink. This is ready now!
And you quickly move away to pour the wine, avoiding further questions that you cannot answer.
Finally, to round out your lesson in red wines, you need to have some handy vocabulary to talk about what you are drinking. If you look at the vocabulary you are "supposed to know", you can see that remembering the right words is next to impossible.
It need not be that complicated.
Since the wines you serve are "good" and the wines your host serves are "excellent" too, you only need to have positive-sounding vocabulary to talk about red wines. It is utterly unimportant that the words you use to describe the wine be "correct" or appropriate to the wine; you simply need to have some sophisticated verbiage to bandy about to make it SEEM that you know your stuff.
This describing process can be divided into three steps:
1. smelling the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine has a well-balanced oak.
2. drinking the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine is absolutely mouth-filling.
3. after swallowing the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine has an extraordinarily long finish.
Scenario
Host: I say... old boy, I want your opinion about this claret I bought at a small chateau in France last year when I was there on vacation. The vintage is 1977, a wonderful year!
You: Oh yes... that WAS a great vintage.
Host (pouring into your glass and then looking at you with expectation): I do so want to hear your impressions.
You (smelling the wine): Oh Percy! This wine has an incredibly well-balanced oak!
Host (beaming): Yes, indeed... I thought so too. I actually let it sit uncorked for an hour before decanting, but as you can see, the nose has only been enhanced... and if I might say so, I believe the legs become more pronounced.
You: Quite.... (taking a small sip and holding it in your mouth) Oh my... this (name of wine) is absolutely mouth-filling!
Host: Rather! The balance expressed in the nose comes to full fruition in the drinking. It is remarkable.
You (swallowing and closing your eyes to savor the experience): And what an extraordinarily long finish. It seems to carry on forever.
Host: I absolutely agree. I say! Some people buy wine like pork and beans at the super market and swill it like peasants, but I knew you would appreciate this (name of wine) as I do. Here... let me recharge your glass.
You: Cheers!
I hope this short report will enhance your enjoyment of red wines and help to bring your wine appreciation skills to the high level of adulation you clearly deserve.
- - - - - - - - - -
* Expressions actually used to describe Chardonnay in wine reviews (see earlier article)
In an earlier post, I provided pertinent and polished information to help you – the wino – take advantage of the depth of your experience and become a "classy" wino, someone who can imbibe and discuss white wines with the best of them.
Conversing about white wines – the invariable choice for serious wine drinkers – is easy, however, in comparison to talking about reds. White wines are usually served chilled, rendering their taste-highlights and other features less pronounced. This means that when you describe their merits, you can get away with saying inane things like, "Oh Percy! This Chardonnay is awesome with its mineral hint of sea-salt and a lick of cold granite!*"
When drinking red wines, however, the casual sentiments favored by white wine bon viveurs fade and are replaced by dour and slitty-eyed evaluations, involving words like "fat" and "body" said with a pompous air.
Scenario (red wine sophisticates talking)
Host: I say... Percy, old boy, I want your opinion about this claret I bought at a small chateau in France last year when I was there on vacation. The vintage is 1977, a wonderful year!
Percy (swirling the glass delicately, holding it up to the light and putting his nose to it): Rather, Charles... a very full bouquet and very nice legs indeed. 1977, you say? Charming color...
Host: And how about the oak, Percy? You WILL notice the oak, won't you?
Percy (sipping with a slight chewing activity to enhance the flavors): Oh my... quite... almost a rich coffee finish, I would say.
Host (beaming): Yes... rather my thought too... precisely.
What could a wino such as yourself contribute to a conversation of this sort even if you did speak with a pompous accent? It seems impossible to ever be THAT cool, doesn't it?
But it isn't!
Yes, with only a few simple hints, you too can be the center of attention as you show off your wine expertise, a stature you have earned from your years of drinking. All you require are some basic tools to give you the appropriate finesse.
First of all, now that you have mastered white wines, we need to point out some of the differences between reds and whites.
Even while benefiting from some aging, once opened, whites can usually be drunk right away. If you think about the ones you buy, you don't stand on ceremony before serving them to your guests, do you? You press the little spigot and pour. It's simple.
Reds are different.
High-class reds have a substance in them called "tannin" which – frankly – has a bad taste. This is included during the production process so that people will buy the wine but not drink it right away, thus increasing sales. The tannin disappears with aging, so red wine buyers tend to buy wines and "lay them down" for many years, sometimes decades before drinking them. These people are called "sommeliers" from the French "somme", meaning "let sleep" and "~liers" from the root meaning "people who lay".
While I have never understood this attitude – after all, I want something to drink RIGHT NOW – it is very common among red wine sophisticates who tend to be good at postponing pleasures even unto the next generation.
If you are serving red wine to these people, you need to be sure that your wine does not have a strong, residual, tannic flavor before serving. Open your reds before the guests arrive. Immediately after removing the cork, take a sip directly from the bottle. If your mouth feels puckery, it is probably due to the fact that you drank the wine that was right next to the cork. Have another swallow. If the puckery taste continues, your wine is tannic and needs to be aired out... no... ventilated... wait... what WAS that word... breathe! Yes. The wine needs to breathe. This allows much of the tannin to dissipate into the atmosphere where it will contribute to global warming, making the next year's vintage that much better.
Suggested Technique
You can allow your wine to breathe faster by "decanting" it. This means you need to pour it from the bottle into a "decanter", another flask or narrow pitcher of a similar volume. You can do this in the kitchen and bring out the red wine in the decanter with the empty bottle alongside, showing how sophisticated you are. In fact, I would recommend decanting even if the wine is not tannic as it does make you appear very cultivated and sauve. It's bad form not to decant the whole bottle though, so if your flask doesn't quite hold all the wine, chug down the rest in the kitchen yourself before you bring it out.
Another thing that red wine drinkers like to hear about is the vintage of the wine. Surprisingly wines produced in many countries do not taste the same year-on-year. Some years are better and others not so good. When you are drinking wines from these countries, notably "old world countries", you have to pay attention to the labels.
Suggested Technique
Always buy a red wine that has some date on the label. By "date" I don't mean "September", but rather a year that is already at least 10 years old. No, you cannot pencil this in yourself. You bring the wine in from the kitchen in its decanter and proudly exclaim, "This wine is a 2003! A very good year!" Everyone will be amazed at your expertise and sophistication. Once in a very long while, however, you will get some jerk who really knows wine and who takes issue with you.
Scenario
You: This wine is a 2003! A very good year!
Jerk: Oh... really? I think the 2002s and even the 2001s are MUCH better than the 2003s.
(Since you have no clue about vintages and 99% of your guests don't either, you need to have a quick comeback line to cover for this sort of intrusion.)
You (condescendingly): Oh, Percy, you are so right! But in those years the tannin was high, so they would need at least another 5 years of aging before they would be ready to drink. This is ready now!
And you quickly move away to pour the wine, avoiding further questions that you cannot answer.
Finally, to round out your lesson in red wines, you need to have some handy vocabulary to talk about what you are drinking. If you look at the vocabulary you are "supposed to know", you can see that remembering the right words is next to impossible.
It need not be that complicated.
Since the wines you serve are "good" and the wines your host serves are "excellent" too, you only need to have positive-sounding vocabulary to talk about red wines. It is utterly unimportant that the words you use to describe the wine be "correct" or appropriate to the wine; you simply need to have some sophisticated verbiage to bandy about to make it SEEM that you know your stuff.
This describing process can be divided into three steps:
1. smelling the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine has a well-balanced oak.
2. drinking the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine is absolutely mouth-filling.
3. after swallowing the wine
Suggested Vocabulary: This wine has an extraordinarily long finish.
Scenario
Host: I say... old boy, I want your opinion about this claret I bought at a small chateau in France last year when I was there on vacation. The vintage is 1977, a wonderful year!
You: Oh yes... that WAS a great vintage.
Host (pouring into your glass and then looking at you with expectation): I do so want to hear your impressions.
You (smelling the wine): Oh Percy! This wine has an incredibly well-balanced oak!
Host (beaming): Yes, indeed... I thought so too. I actually let it sit uncorked for an hour before decanting, but as you can see, the nose has only been enhanced... and if I might say so, I believe the legs become more pronounced.
You: Quite.... (taking a small sip and holding it in your mouth) Oh my... this (name of wine) is absolutely mouth-filling!
Host: Rather! The balance expressed in the nose comes to full fruition in the drinking. It is remarkable.
You (swallowing and closing your eyes to savor the experience): And what an extraordinarily long finish. It seems to carry on forever.
Host: I absolutely agree. I say! Some people buy wine like pork and beans at the super market and swill it like peasants, but I knew you would appreciate this (name of wine) as I do. Here... let me recharge your glass.
You: Cheers!
I hope this short report will enhance your enjoyment of red wines and help to bring your wine appreciation skills to the high level of adulation you clearly deserve.
- - - - - - - - - -
* Expressions actually used to describe Chardonnay in wine reviews (see earlier article)
Monday, September 3, 2012
Commercial Calories
I was going to write about the religious right in the US again and its incomprehensible belief in creationism. The rest of the world shakes its head in wonder that these citizens of the most powerful nation on the planet seem to believe something that is so starkly wrong.
Didn't they get ANY science in school?
I wanted to explain this phenomenon to our friends abroad by showing that these folks themselves are evidence that the Theory of Evolution is correct.
They are proof that humans are evolving from earlier life forms; they ARE the missing link between our benighted past and our enlightened future.
But a more pressing discovery intervened.
As I have discussed in a previous post, Americans tend to pack on the pounds. In fact, we carry the equivalent of two entire Swedens on our national body in excess blubber.
How did we let ourselves go like this?
The reasons might seem obvious: we eat too much, we don't exercise, we spend too much time in church, but clearly these cannot account for all the added pounds. If you talk to anyone who is overweight, many seem to be just as baffled by their bulk as you are.
"I don't know why I look like the Goodyear blimp; I only eat salads!"
And as you watch them, you see it is true. They often don't eat any more than thinner people.
So how can one account for this national problem? Could millions of people have some sort of metabolic disorder?
Unlikely.
What they do have, however, is TV.
99% of Americans have an average of 2.24 TVs in their homes and spend many hours a week in front of the flickering screen.
What are they watching?
Food commercials! A lot of food commercials.
The commercial for the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden, for example, shows a healthy looking group, preparing to enjoy endless bowls of differently flavored pasta — all shown, close up in their calorie rich redolence. Or consider the Pizza Hut commercial. It shows pizza after calorie laden pizza, but the two couples in the ad are not fat at all! Another ad, Carl's Jr, shows two slim and trim women in bikinis making and eating enormous, pulled pork-stuffed cheeseburgers.
Clearly the food is not doing THEM any harm.
So what gives?
We need to approach this scientifically and analyze the data. Who watches the most TV in the US? Men watch an average of 29 hours per week while women log in at 34 hours per week. Who tends to be more obese? Men or women? The stats show that women tend to be more obese than men.
Clearly watching the food commercials themselves is what is making the US population overweight! Somehow, seeing the deliciously presented food in all of its savory splendor causes our bodies to react by storing up fat, a kind of Pavlovian reaction. In the same way that a fearful situation can make our bodies respond with adrenaline and a "fight or flight" reaction, watching food commercials on TV makes us gain weight. Your brain sees an almost pornographic food commercial on the boob-tube and says, "OMG! Look at that chicken pot pie!" and sends a message to your fat cells to "go Goodyear".
Which brings me to my new diet idea.
Since your weight gain is most likely to have been caused by watching these commercials and NOT by the half-gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough, Häagan Dazs ice cream you had after dinner, you can reduce your weight by the simple expedient of turning off the TV when a food commercial comes on, or – better yet – get up from your couch and go get a beer and some chips and salsa to avoid exposing your body to those pernicious, subliminal (and subcutaneous) influences.
Didn't they get ANY science in school?
I wanted to explain this phenomenon to our friends abroad by showing that these folks themselves are evidence that the Theory of Evolution is correct.
They are proof that humans are evolving from earlier life forms; they ARE the missing link between our benighted past and our enlightened future.
But a more pressing discovery intervened.
As I have discussed in a previous post, Americans tend to pack on the pounds. In fact, we carry the equivalent of two entire Swedens on our national body in excess blubber.
How did we let ourselves go like this?
The reasons might seem obvious: we eat too much, we don't exercise, we spend too much time in church, but clearly these cannot account for all the added pounds. If you talk to anyone who is overweight, many seem to be just as baffled by their bulk as you are.
"I don't know why I look like the Goodyear blimp; I only eat salads!"
And as you watch them, you see it is true. They often don't eat any more than thinner people.
So how can one account for this national problem? Could millions of people have some sort of metabolic disorder?
Unlikely.
What they do have, however, is TV.
99% of Americans have an average of 2.24 TVs in their homes and spend many hours a week in front of the flickering screen.
What are they watching?
Food commercials! A lot of food commercials.
The commercial for the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden, for example, shows a healthy looking group, preparing to enjoy endless bowls of differently flavored pasta — all shown, close up in their calorie rich redolence. Or consider the Pizza Hut commercial. It shows pizza after calorie laden pizza, but the two couples in the ad are not fat at all! Another ad, Carl's Jr, shows two slim and trim women in bikinis making and eating enormous, pulled pork-stuffed cheeseburgers.
Clearly the food is not doing THEM any harm.
So what gives?
We need to approach this scientifically and analyze the data. Who watches the most TV in the US? Men watch an average of 29 hours per week while women log in at 34 hours per week. Who tends to be more obese? Men or women? The stats show that women tend to be more obese than men.
Clearly watching the food commercials themselves is what is making the US population overweight! Somehow, seeing the deliciously presented food in all of its savory splendor causes our bodies to react by storing up fat, a kind of Pavlovian reaction. In the same way that a fearful situation can make our bodies respond with adrenaline and a "fight or flight" reaction, watching food commercials on TV makes us gain weight. Your brain sees an almost pornographic food commercial on the boob-tube and says, "OMG! Look at that chicken pot pie!" and sends a message to your fat cells to "go Goodyear".
Which brings me to my new diet idea.
Since your weight gain is most likely to have been caused by watching these commercials and NOT by the half-gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough, Häagan Dazs ice cream you had after dinner, you can reduce your weight by the simple expedient of turning off the TV when a food commercial comes on, or – better yet – get up from your couch and go get a beer and some chips and salsa to avoid exposing your body to those pernicious, subliminal (and subcutaneous) influences.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Dieting Made Easy
Before I get started, let me say that the movie "Free Willy" was not a documentary about Bill Clinton.
Just thought you would like to know.
But what I really wanted to talk about today is how we senior folks can keep healthy and lose weight. There are many advice columns out there, of course, but most focus on those things that we already know about: you know, the common stuff, like not eating or drinking too much. They often tell you how to be "as young as you feel" by getting enough roughage in your diet. This usually means a daily dose of something that has several pounds of sawdust suspended in it. You get the picture.
My father (a doctor) used to tell a joke about dieting.
An obese patient slumps dejectedly in his physician's office, listening to the doctor sternly tell him that he must cut out all between-meal snacks, eliminate his favorite desserts, stop drinking so much beer, and eat more vegetables and less steak. He should also go out and exercise at least three times a week.
The patient asks plaintively, "Doctor, if I do all these things, will I live longer?"
To which the doctor replies, "Probably not, but it will SEEM longer."
In fact, not all of us can avoid eating and drinking too much, and as we age it becomes harder and harder to keep the blubber from sticking to places where we would really rather not see it accumulate. Dying of heart disease or stroke is one thing, but getting harpooned by Japanese research whalers at the beach is quite another matter altogether.
So what can we do to make sure that the five-burrito meal (with refried beans AND rice) we have just devoured doesn't attach itself like parasitic jellyfish to our thighs? A lot of advice columnists will suggest things like, going out and walking 50 kilometers, or drinking 20 liters of water to flush it all from your system. Thanks a lot! Who really wants to do THAT?!
Ever helpful science brings us a better answer: sleep it off.
Yes! Finally a solution we can live with. No more difficult dieting or painful sacrifice. All you need to do is make sure that you get a good night's sleep every night and your body will AUTOMATICALLY self-tune itself to keep you slim.
But what IS a "good night's sleep", you ask?
Science provides an answer for that too (thank you science)!
Fasting (although it will SEEM slow) for 16 hours between dinner and breakfast has been shown to result in dramatic weight loss. So clearly you need to sleep about 16 hours a day, like a cat. And don't use an alarm clock to disturb that all-important dieting sleep! Using alarm clocks disrupts your natural body rhythms – a kind of "social jet lag" – and will cause you to put on an extra layer of insulating blubber as a protection against those pesky social demands, like work.
I am sure you are already asking, "How can I take advantage of these new breakthroughs in scientific discovery and start losing weight right NOW?"
The scientific evidence, however, is hard to understand for laymen like yourself, so let me outline a typical day for you. In this way you can get a clearer picture of what science is advising you to do to shed that extra lard.
Get up around 7:30 am every morning without using an alarm clock.
Eat your breakfast at 8:00. You can have anything you want! Science tells us that coffee will make you live longer, so why not include a couple of cups of java with your bacon, eggs, hash browns and biscuits with gravy? Might as well have those waffles too.
Eat lunch at 11:00. You will be hungry by then anyway, since a full 3 hours will have passed since breakfast.
Eat dinner at 2:30 PM. Go ahead, don't be shy! Enjoy that steak and those mashed potatoes. Don't cut back on the desserts either, because you will be using the new scientific method for losing calories in just one hour by going to sleep!
Go to bed around 3:15 but make sure you fall asleep by 3:30, so that you can get your full 16 hours in, before waking up at 7:30 the next morning!
Using this easy-to-follow regimen will allow anyone to lose weight the scientific way and bring out a more youthful and active you.
Just thought you would like to know.
But what I really wanted to talk about today is how we senior folks can keep healthy and lose weight. There are many advice columns out there, of course, but most focus on those things that we already know about: you know, the common stuff, like not eating or drinking too much. They often tell you how to be "as young as you feel" by getting enough roughage in your diet. This usually means a daily dose of something that has several pounds of sawdust suspended in it. You get the picture.
My father (a doctor) used to tell a joke about dieting.
An obese patient slumps dejectedly in his physician's office, listening to the doctor sternly tell him that he must cut out all between-meal snacks, eliminate his favorite desserts, stop drinking so much beer, and eat more vegetables and less steak. He should also go out and exercise at least three times a week.
The patient asks plaintively, "Doctor, if I do all these things, will I live longer?"
To which the doctor replies, "Probably not, but it will SEEM longer."
In fact, not all of us can avoid eating and drinking too much, and as we age it becomes harder and harder to keep the blubber from sticking to places where we would really rather not see it accumulate. Dying of heart disease or stroke is one thing, but getting harpooned by Japanese research whalers at the beach is quite another matter altogether.
So what can we do to make sure that the five-burrito meal (with refried beans AND rice) we have just devoured doesn't attach itself like parasitic jellyfish to our thighs? A lot of advice columnists will suggest things like, going out and walking 50 kilometers, or drinking 20 liters of water to flush it all from your system. Thanks a lot! Who really wants to do THAT?!
Ever helpful science brings us a better answer: sleep it off.
Yes! Finally a solution we can live with. No more difficult dieting or painful sacrifice. All you need to do is make sure that you get a good night's sleep every night and your body will AUTOMATICALLY self-tune itself to keep you slim.
But what IS a "good night's sleep", you ask?
Science provides an answer for that too (thank you science)!
Fasting (although it will SEEM slow) for 16 hours between dinner and breakfast has been shown to result in dramatic weight loss. So clearly you need to sleep about 16 hours a day, like a cat. And don't use an alarm clock to disturb that all-important dieting sleep! Using alarm clocks disrupts your natural body rhythms – a kind of "social jet lag" – and will cause you to put on an extra layer of insulating blubber as a protection against those pesky social demands, like work.
I am sure you are already asking, "How can I take advantage of these new breakthroughs in scientific discovery and start losing weight right NOW?"
The scientific evidence, however, is hard to understand for laymen like yourself, so let me outline a typical day for you. In this way you can get a clearer picture of what science is advising you to do to shed that extra lard.
Get up around 7:30 am every morning without using an alarm clock.
Eat your breakfast at 8:00. You can have anything you want! Science tells us that coffee will make you live longer, so why not include a couple of cups of java with your bacon, eggs, hash browns and biscuits with gravy? Might as well have those waffles too.
Eat lunch at 11:00. You will be hungry by then anyway, since a full 3 hours will have passed since breakfast.
Eat dinner at 2:30 PM. Go ahead, don't be shy! Enjoy that steak and those mashed potatoes. Don't cut back on the desserts either, because you will be using the new scientific method for losing calories in just one hour by going to sleep!
Go to bed around 3:15 but make sure you fall asleep by 3:30, so that you can get your full 16 hours in, before waking up at 7:30 the next morning!
Using this easy-to-follow regimen will allow anyone to lose weight the scientific way and bring out a more youthful and active you.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Exciting World of Dieting
The media is full of contradictory advice about healthy eating. Is coffee good for you or a death trap? How about red wine? Is it a cure all or a killer? While we cannot answer all of your questions about dieting and health we can take an in-depth, easy-to-understand look at some of the more popular diet issues that are in the news. Let's use the trendy question-and-answer format to explain some of these points. You ask the questions and I will give answers in layperson's terms.
Question: I am not clear about antioxidants. They say that antioxidants destroy "free radicals", but what does that actually mean?
Answer: Good question! This is actually not that hard to understand. Imagine the antioxidants as lawmen like Wyatt Earp. They ride around on their horses in your bloodstream chasing the free radicals which we can think of as outlaws such as Billy the Kid. When they catch the free radicals, they lynch them from the nearest corpuscle. This cleanses your system of these dangerous desperadoes and makes you healthy. Antioxidants can be found in kale, alfalfa sprouts and sunflower seeds, and the free radicals are found in all the things you really want to eat, such as Twinkies, chips, and cookies.
Scenario
Free Radicals (turning around and around on their horses and firing their guns randomly into the air): Yee haw! Yee haw! We gonna have some fun in this town! Where is the saloon? We need some booze! And wimmin... where's the wimmin?!!
Antioxidant Earp (walking up to the free radicals in the dusty street): You boys better calm down now.
FR (dismounting): And who are YOU?
AE: I am the law here. (shows them his badge) You put your guns away now, and we won't have any trouble.
FR (squinting hard at Antioxidant Earp): And what if we don't? Whatcha gonna do about it?
AE: I am going to arrest you or shoot you, whichever comes first.
FR: Oh yeah? You and what army?
AE: Me and Bat and Doc. (other antioxidants appear, carrying sawed off shotguns)
FR: You don't scare us, Sheriff! Does he, boys? (the other free radicals shout support)
(Antioxidant Earp draws his six-gun and calmly shoots the free radical in the head.)
AE: The rest of you want to come peacefully, or shall we do this the hard way.
(the other free radicals drop their guns and raise their hands)
AE: Let's take 'em off to jail!
This is what happens in your body everyday, a world in turmoil filled with moments of drama and adventure.
Question: What is a "low carb" diet.
Answer: "Carb", of course, refers to the carburetor in your body's "engine". You will want to keep this running "low" and "lean" so that your engine's efficiency will be improved and you will live a long and healthy life.
Question: I have heard a lot about the caveman diet. Is this something that I should adopt to get in touch with our evolutionary past and be healthy?
Answer: This paleolithic diet is based on the foods that hunter-gatherers would eat.
Scenario
Policeman: Um... what are you doing?
Dieter: Shh! I am stalking that bison.
Policeman (whispering): This is the zoo. You want to put that rifle away?
Dieter: I need to get that bison for my paleolithic diet!
Policeman: Your what? What have you been drinking? Come over here. I want you to walk on this white line for me. And put that rifle away!
Dieter: I am completely sober (walks the white line to prove it).
Policeman (on his radio): I need an ambulance here... bring a straight jacket. (to the dieter) Put that rifle down already!
Regrettably, it is very difficult to hunt bison or deer in today's urban areas, and parks don't allow for much gathering. In any case, the life expectancy of your average caveman was very short, suggesting that following paleolithic lifestyles might not be a healthy alternative.
Question: My girlfriend told me that I am becoming an endomorph. What does she mean?
Answer: She is trying to break up with you but using "diplomatic" language to do so.
Question: I read somewhere that men prefer heavier women when the economy is bad. Does this mean I can find a husband now?
Answer: Yes. Women who are very overweight can easily find husbands and boyfriends these days, because of the bad economy. If the economy turns around, however, they can expect to be dumped.
Question: Does this preference extend to heavier men too?
Answer: Not unless you have a sex change operation.
Question: I hear a lot about the importance of dietary supplements, but I am confused about what supplements I should be taking.
Answer: You should supplement your diet with items you are missing. In my case, for example, my diet sometimes falls low on wine. When this unfortunate situation arises, I go out and buy a couple of bottles of wine to bring my diet back into balance. Everyone is different, however, so what your diet needs in the way of supplements depends on your investigation. My sister's diet, for example, is notoriously low in chocolate, so she is perpetually having to increase her intake of this vital ingredient to keep her health.
This is all we have space for today, but just remember when you consider your next diet that you are also what you DON'T eat.
Question: I am not clear about antioxidants. They say that antioxidants destroy "free radicals", but what does that actually mean?
Answer: Good question! This is actually not that hard to understand. Imagine the antioxidants as lawmen like Wyatt Earp. They ride around on their horses in your bloodstream chasing the free radicals which we can think of as outlaws such as Billy the Kid. When they catch the free radicals, they lynch them from the nearest corpuscle. This cleanses your system of these dangerous desperadoes and makes you healthy. Antioxidants can be found in kale, alfalfa sprouts and sunflower seeds, and the free radicals are found in all the things you really want to eat, such as Twinkies, chips, and cookies.
Scenario
Free Radicals (turning around and around on their horses and firing their guns randomly into the air): Yee haw! Yee haw! We gonna have some fun in this town! Where is the saloon? We need some booze! And wimmin... where's the wimmin?!!
Antioxidant Earp (walking up to the free radicals in the dusty street): You boys better calm down now.
FR (dismounting): And who are YOU?
AE: I am the law here. (shows them his badge) You put your guns away now, and we won't have any trouble.
FR (squinting hard at Antioxidant Earp): And what if we don't? Whatcha gonna do about it?
AE: I am going to arrest you or shoot you, whichever comes first.
FR: Oh yeah? You and what army?
AE: Me and Bat and Doc. (other antioxidants appear, carrying sawed off shotguns)
FR: You don't scare us, Sheriff! Does he, boys? (the other free radicals shout support)
(Antioxidant Earp draws his six-gun and calmly shoots the free radical in the head.)
AE: The rest of you want to come peacefully, or shall we do this the hard way.
(the other free radicals drop their guns and raise their hands)
AE: Let's take 'em off to jail!
This is what happens in your body everyday, a world in turmoil filled with moments of drama and adventure.
Question: What is a "low carb" diet.
Answer: "Carb", of course, refers to the carburetor in your body's "engine". You will want to keep this running "low" and "lean" so that your engine's efficiency will be improved and you will live a long and healthy life.
Question: I have heard a lot about the caveman diet. Is this something that I should adopt to get in touch with our evolutionary past and be healthy?
Answer: This paleolithic diet is based on the foods that hunter-gatherers would eat.
Scenario
Policeman: Um... what are you doing?
Dieter: Shh! I am stalking that bison.
Policeman (whispering): This is the zoo. You want to put that rifle away?
Dieter: I need to get that bison for my paleolithic diet!
Policeman: Your what? What have you been drinking? Come over here. I want you to walk on this white line for me. And put that rifle away!
Dieter: I am completely sober (walks the white line to prove it).
Policeman (on his radio): I need an ambulance here... bring a straight jacket. (to the dieter) Put that rifle down already!
Regrettably, it is very difficult to hunt bison or deer in today's urban areas, and parks don't allow for much gathering. In any case, the life expectancy of your average caveman was very short, suggesting that following paleolithic lifestyles might not be a healthy alternative.
Question: My girlfriend told me that I am becoming an endomorph. What does she mean?
Answer: She is trying to break up with you but using "diplomatic" language to do so.
Question: I read somewhere that men prefer heavier women when the economy is bad. Does this mean I can find a husband now?
Answer: Yes. Women who are very overweight can easily find husbands and boyfriends these days, because of the bad economy. If the economy turns around, however, they can expect to be dumped.
Question: Does this preference extend to heavier men too?
Answer: Not unless you have a sex change operation.
Question: I hear a lot about the importance of dietary supplements, but I am confused about what supplements I should be taking.
Answer: You should supplement your diet with items you are missing. In my case, for example, my diet sometimes falls low on wine. When this unfortunate situation arises, I go out and buy a couple of bottles of wine to bring my diet back into balance. Everyone is different, however, so what your diet needs in the way of supplements depends on your investigation. My sister's diet, for example, is notoriously low in chocolate, so she is perpetually having to increase her intake of this vital ingredient to keep her health.
This is all we have space for today, but just remember when you consider your next diet that you are also what you DON'T eat.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Kentucky Fried 'n' Suicide
Today we need to confront a serious issue. Now and then we have to quit with the yuck-yucks and face the fact that life is a weighty business and requires a sober attitude.
What could be more serious than suicide?
In a 2010 compilation of international data, Japan ranked number 7 on the world list of national suicide rates with 24.75 suicides per 100,000 people, right up there with clearly depressed countries like Russia. The US (with many more obvious problems), on the other hand, had less than half that many and was ranked 35th – behind even gently peaceful New Zealand! What could possibly account for this huge discrepancy? In the US, guns are widely available and for those who want to kill themselves, no other method is as effective. Japan, on the other hand, prohibits most of the "easy" ways of killing oneself, leaving only the throwing one's body off of things (high buildings, train platforms, etc.) as one of the popular options.
A Hard Hitting News Hound does not simply read news reports and then pour another cup of coffee and turn to the funnies. No! A Hard Hitting News Hound needs to get to the bottom of the important issues of the day to report on them, revealing the truth, no matter where the truth may lie. Intensely curious, I pondered the issue of Japanese suicides and wondered what might be the breakdown by prefecture. Perhaps some pattern would reveal itself, and we could use the information to take steps to cure this social ill. As it turns out, the top 5 prefectures for suicide in Japan are: in the number 5 position, Niigata (where I live), at number 4, Shimane, 3 is Iwate Prefecture, the runner up prize goes to Aomori, and claiming the top spot is Akita.
What do these prefectures have in common?
Some reporters would undoubtedly stop with the obvious and draw glib conclusions based on inadequate research. "Their weather is uniformly bad." Or, "they all have depressed, rural economies with rapidly declining and aging populations".
That's easy to say.
But a Hard Hitting News Hound is not satisfied with the superficial analysis that so often takes top billing in the papers and on the internet. That's what Fox News is for.
Far from it. The trivial poses no distraction to the inveterate researcher. I dug deeper. What about the other end of the spectrum? What about the prefectures with the fewest self-inflicted fatalities? Kanagawa prefecture and others right around the Tokyo area are the lowest in suicide rates.
What could account for this phenomenon? Is it the excitement of city life that makes people want to hang around longer? If so, how could you explain Hokkaido which is also relatively low in suicides? Further probing revealed the answer. These prefectures have the most Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets! The prefectures with the highest suicide rates generally have very few KFC restaurants. The US, by comparison probably has more KFC outlets per population than any developed country, helping to keep our suicide rates under control. There is something in the spices or in the chomping of crispy fried chicken that dispels black thoughts. Speaking personally, I know that MY spirits go up whenever I make fried chicken. Clearly national health policy should focus on reducing the rates of suicide in these areas by encouraging the Colonel to spread his influence to every depressed neighborhood and area. And now that I am thinking about it... maybe I will make some fried chicken for dinner tonight.
What could be more serious than suicide?
In a 2010 compilation of international data, Japan ranked number 7 on the world list of national suicide rates with 24.75 suicides per 100,000 people, right up there with clearly depressed countries like Russia. The US (with many more obvious problems), on the other hand, had less than half that many and was ranked 35th – behind even gently peaceful New Zealand! What could possibly account for this huge discrepancy? In the US, guns are widely available and for those who want to kill themselves, no other method is as effective. Japan, on the other hand, prohibits most of the "easy" ways of killing oneself, leaving only the throwing one's body off of things (high buildings, train platforms, etc.) as one of the popular options.
A Hard Hitting News Hound does not simply read news reports and then pour another cup of coffee and turn to the funnies. No! A Hard Hitting News Hound needs to get to the bottom of the important issues of the day to report on them, revealing the truth, no matter where the truth may lie. Intensely curious, I pondered the issue of Japanese suicides and wondered what might be the breakdown by prefecture. Perhaps some pattern would reveal itself, and we could use the information to take steps to cure this social ill. As it turns out, the top 5 prefectures for suicide in Japan are: in the number 5 position, Niigata (where I live), at number 4, Shimane, 3 is Iwate Prefecture, the runner up prize goes to Aomori, and claiming the top spot is Akita.
What do these prefectures have in common?
Some reporters would undoubtedly stop with the obvious and draw glib conclusions based on inadequate research. "Their weather is uniformly bad." Or, "they all have depressed, rural economies with rapidly declining and aging populations".
That's easy to say.
But a Hard Hitting News Hound is not satisfied with the superficial analysis that so often takes top billing in the papers and on the internet. That's what Fox News is for.
Far from it. The trivial poses no distraction to the inveterate researcher. I dug deeper. What about the other end of the spectrum? What about the prefectures with the fewest self-inflicted fatalities? Kanagawa prefecture and others right around the Tokyo area are the lowest in suicide rates.
What could account for this phenomenon? Is it the excitement of city life that makes people want to hang around longer? If so, how could you explain Hokkaido which is also relatively low in suicides? Further probing revealed the answer. These prefectures have the most Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets! The prefectures with the highest suicide rates generally have very few KFC restaurants. The US, by comparison probably has more KFC outlets per population than any developed country, helping to keep our suicide rates under control. There is something in the spices or in the chomping of crispy fried chicken that dispels black thoughts. Speaking personally, I know that MY spirits go up whenever I make fried chicken. Clearly national health policy should focus on reducing the rates of suicide in these areas by encouraging the Colonel to spread his influence to every depressed neighborhood and area. And now that I am thinking about it... maybe I will make some fried chicken for dinner tonight.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sweeping the Nation
Being basically an over-grown village, the Japanese nation is swept by fads like nowhere else. Something will be reported in the media (the fact of reporting makes it believable) and the next thing you know 127 million people will be jumping on the band wagon.
Consider:
Some 10 years ago Fuji Television reported on Super Time (news program) that putting empty soft-drink bottles (clear ones with water in them) around in your yard would keep cats away. Imagine the convenience of this technique! Only the other night we were awakened by the yowls and howls of a couple of cats outside; if we could have made recourse to putting a few strategic plastic bottles here and there, we would have gotten a good night's sleep. Anyway, the fad swept the nation and people were putting empty plastic soft-drink bottles around their gardens and houses to keep the pesky varmints away. Even as recently as 5 minutes ago (yes, I did go out and check) about ten 1.5 liter, soft-drink bottles can be seen keeping sentry around a neighbor's house.
The Experiment Design: In the interest of scientific inquiry, I decided to conduct experiments on the two members of the feline species that keep us on as staff here. Their names are Pickle (a Japanese stray) and Tweedle (a farmed Himalayan). I wanted to find out if soft-drink bottles filled with water would affect their normal behavior in any way.
As I have limited time to conduct a lengthy experiment (I want to finish this article before I drip too much sweat into the keyboard), I decided to cut right to the chase.
Experiment #1:
1. Fill soft-drink bottle with water.
2. Place soft-drink bottle next to sleeping Tweedle.
The Reaction:
none
The Reaction Upon Awakening:
1. Outstretched nose sniffs soft-drink bottle.
2. Cat goes back to sleep.
OK. But Tweedle is a fancy, designer cat. Who KNOWS where her genes came from. Plus, she is old and not heavily into youthful things – like actually moving.
Experiment #2:
1. Find Pickle
2. Can't find Pickle, so I will report on her at a later date.
Anyway, these fads sweep the nation like no other.
Consider:
In the early 1990s in the city of Sendai (there is some debate about the origin, but Sendai seems to be the front runner), high school girls somehow got the idea that wearing floppy socks around the lower part of their legs would make their legs look nicer. This was coupled with rolling up the waist of the school uniform's skirt to make it shorter, exposing more of the upper part of the leg. Instantly, the fashion swept the nation and high school girls across the country were rushing to flatter their appearances with these new floppy socks. By the early 21st century the fashion had faded among main-stream high school girls and been co-opted by a subcultural group. They can be still seen here and there today (I looked out my window, but as school is in session, I was unable to confirm or deny that they are still visible on the streets here. I can't actually see the road so well from this vantage point either.).
Consider:
The banana panic of 2008 struck without warning! Japanese women (let's brazenly make a huge generalization here) tend to be faddy. And nothing screams fad more than the latest diet craze!
Some Background:
Japanese women (continuing the brazen generalization) also tend not to be fat. We saw a woman who went through an entire pregnancy and birth without us ever being aware of the whole thing, so little did she change her physique. Wait... that is not fat, but anyway... Japanese women tend to be petite and thin. By and large, among those women who THINK they need to lose weight and who would jump at any diet that promised easy and spectacular weight losses, only a tiny fraction really needs it. Nonetheless, a fad is a fad and (see first generalization) there are those who pay less attention to the details of it before taking the plunge.
The Diet:
Popular TV shows at first, and then later picked up by fashionable magazines and other venues, reported that a person (person = woman) could lose a lot of weight by eating bananas in the morning. You needed to eat one banana or more for breakfast with water, eat a regular lunch and dinner and go to bed before midnight (Time's report here). So basically, instead of the usual Japanese breakfast which consists of a small bowl of rice, some miso soup, a softboiled egg and maybe a tiny piece of fish, you would eat bananas. The key of course is the later eating of the "regular lunch and dinner". Japanese "regular lunches and dinners" fall into the petite category by American standards (omg... I need to write about this one restaurant in California...), so we are not talking a huge intake of calories at the later end of the day. Only one mid-afternoon snack, no desserts.
The Results:
Bananas were literally swept from grocery store shelves within a day. There were no bananas to be found ANYWHERE in the country, so fast did the fad take hold. Criticism by nutritionists and health experts notwithstanding, the fad stayed for several months (probably because the lack of bananas kept a lot of dieters from starting their new-found regimen), and then disappeared as quickly as it materialized. On TV and in magazines, of course, people (people = mostly women) reported dramatic weight losses, but amongst the general population there did not seem to be any significant change. Bananas remained hard to find for several months until the banana importers (all the bananas are imported) managed to bring in enough to restock the shelves. The fad had dissipated by then, but so many bananas were "in the pipeline" to feed the fad (pardon the pun), that the stores could not find place for them. Tables were piled high with the yellow fruit and checking out the supermarket yesterday, I found that even now there seems to be an oversupply of bananas.
Japanese supermarkets invariably have a special table for fruit and vegetables that are approaching their shelf life limitations. Everything is way cheaper there. The overlarge pile of bananas on that table looked pretty good too!
Return to Experiment #2:
3. Found Pickle lying around on the deck (not sleeping).
4. Place soft-drink bottle 10 cm from her nose.
The Reaction:
1. Cat gives lavish display of affection by rubbing on deck chair and deck railing near the soft-drink bottle (but does not rub on soft-drink bottle).
2. Cat lies back down in same position 10 cm from soft-drink bottle.
Pickle is a pure Japanese cat – replete with all the DNA and genetic predispositions of several thousand years of Japanese catdom. If she was not bothered by the soft-drink bottle, no cat would be.
Conclusions:
The results of my scientific experiment pretty much speak for themselves; the fad (as has also been subsequently reported in many places in Japanese) is based on bogus information. Nonetheless, this being Japan, traditions die hard.
Consider:
Some 10 years ago Fuji Television reported on Super Time (news program) that putting empty soft-drink bottles (clear ones with water in them) around in your yard would keep cats away. Imagine the convenience of this technique! Only the other night we were awakened by the yowls and howls of a couple of cats outside; if we could have made recourse to putting a few strategic plastic bottles here and there, we would have gotten a good night's sleep. Anyway, the fad swept the nation and people were putting empty plastic soft-drink bottles around their gardens and houses to keep the pesky varmints away. Even as recently as 5 minutes ago (yes, I did go out and check) about ten 1.5 liter, soft-drink bottles can be seen keeping sentry around a neighbor's house.
The Experiment Design: In the interest of scientific inquiry, I decided to conduct experiments on the two members of the feline species that keep us on as staff here. Their names are Pickle (a Japanese stray) and Tweedle (a farmed Himalayan). I wanted to find out if soft-drink bottles filled with water would affect their normal behavior in any way.
As I have limited time to conduct a lengthy experiment (I want to finish this article before I drip too much sweat into the keyboard), I decided to cut right to the chase.
Experiment #1:
1. Fill soft-drink bottle with water.
2. Place soft-drink bottle next to sleeping Tweedle.
The Reaction:
none
The Reaction Upon Awakening:
1. Outstretched nose sniffs soft-drink bottle.
2. Cat goes back to sleep.
OK. But Tweedle is a fancy, designer cat. Who KNOWS where her genes came from. Plus, she is old and not heavily into youthful things – like actually moving.
Experiment #2:
1. Find Pickle
2. Can't find Pickle, so I will report on her at a later date.
Anyway, these fads sweep the nation like no other.
Consider:
In the early 1990s in the city of Sendai (there is some debate about the origin, but Sendai seems to be the front runner), high school girls somehow got the idea that wearing floppy socks around the lower part of their legs would make their legs look nicer. This was coupled with rolling up the waist of the school uniform's skirt to make it shorter, exposing more of the upper part of the leg. Instantly, the fashion swept the nation and high school girls across the country were rushing to flatter their appearances with these new floppy socks. By the early 21st century the fashion had faded among main-stream high school girls and been co-opted by a subcultural group. They can be still seen here and there today (I looked out my window, but as school is in session, I was unable to confirm or deny that they are still visible on the streets here. I can't actually see the road so well from this vantage point either.).
Consider:
The banana panic of 2008 struck without warning! Japanese women (let's brazenly make a huge generalization here) tend to be faddy. And nothing screams fad more than the latest diet craze!
Some Background:
Japanese women (continuing the brazen generalization) also tend not to be fat. We saw a woman who went through an entire pregnancy and birth without us ever being aware of the whole thing, so little did she change her physique. Wait... that is not fat, but anyway... Japanese women tend to be petite and thin. By and large, among those women who THINK they need to lose weight and who would jump at any diet that promised easy and spectacular weight losses, only a tiny fraction really needs it. Nonetheless, a fad is a fad and (see first generalization) there are those who pay less attention to the details of it before taking the plunge.
The Diet:
Popular TV shows at first, and then later picked up by fashionable magazines and other venues, reported that a person (person = woman) could lose a lot of weight by eating bananas in the morning. You needed to eat one banana or more for breakfast with water, eat a regular lunch and dinner and go to bed before midnight (Time's report here). So basically, instead of the usual Japanese breakfast which consists of a small bowl of rice, some miso soup, a softboiled egg and maybe a tiny piece of fish, you would eat bananas. The key of course is the later eating of the "regular lunch and dinner". Japanese "regular lunches and dinners" fall into the petite category by American standards (omg... I need to write about this one restaurant in California...), so we are not talking a huge intake of calories at the later end of the day. Only one mid-afternoon snack, no desserts.
The Results:
Bananas were literally swept from grocery store shelves within a day. There were no bananas to be found ANYWHERE in the country, so fast did the fad take hold. Criticism by nutritionists and health experts notwithstanding, the fad stayed for several months (probably because the lack of bananas kept a lot of dieters from starting their new-found regimen), and then disappeared as quickly as it materialized. On TV and in magazines, of course, people (people = mostly women) reported dramatic weight losses, but amongst the general population there did not seem to be any significant change. Bananas remained hard to find for several months until the banana importers (all the bananas are imported) managed to bring in enough to restock the shelves. The fad had dissipated by then, but so many bananas were "in the pipeline" to feed the fad (pardon the pun), that the stores could not find place for them. Tables were piled high with the yellow fruit and checking out the supermarket yesterday, I found that even now there seems to be an oversupply of bananas.
Japanese supermarkets invariably have a special table for fruit and vegetables that are approaching their shelf life limitations. Everything is way cheaper there. The overlarge pile of bananas on that table looked pretty good too!
Return to Experiment #2:
3. Found Pickle lying around on the deck (not sleeping).
4. Place soft-drink bottle 10 cm from her nose.
The Reaction:
1. Cat gives lavish display of affection by rubbing on deck chair and deck railing near the soft-drink bottle (but does not rub on soft-drink bottle).
2. Cat lies back down in same position 10 cm from soft-drink bottle.
Pickle is a pure Japanese cat – replete with all the DNA and genetic predispositions of several thousand years of Japanese catdom. If she was not bothered by the soft-drink bottle, no cat would be.
Conclusions:
The results of my scientific experiment pretty much speak for themselves; the fad (as has also been subsequently reported in many places in Japanese) is based on bogus information. Nonetheless, this being Japan, traditions die hard.
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