My friends are so alert.
They reminded me that with the end of the world coming on my birthday in just a very few days, we all need to be thinking about making our post-apocalypse destination plans, our after-life arrangements.
In the Western tradition, these have been divided into two major ports of call, Heaven and Hell, with some people having a difficult and lengthy layover in Purgatory (think LAX).
What I want to do today is re-evaluate the two major resorts and help you to make your decision about where you would like to go. Remember, there isn't much time left, so you need to go ahead and make your reservations now.
And don't be prejudiced by your up-bringing.
Frankly, most of us have a really distorted view of what Heaven and Hell are like. Traditionally, we have been told that Heaven is definitely the preferred destination while Hell is a place where we will suffer for eternity. We even say that some Earthly destinations – like that hotel I visited in Lahore – are "hell holes".
Many Westerners have a vague notion that people who go to heaven get to dress up with wings and drapey white suits, play harps and generally have a good time, hanging out with the Big Cheese. Cherubims and Seraphims flit about, shooting the residents with their arrows so that they fall in love and get... no... wait... I am terribly sorry... those might be cupids and have nothing to do with Heaven. Oddly, you cannot find many images of Heaven on the Internet, but there are "descriptions" which are obviously bogus.
Hell on the other hand is fairly well-known and described in concrete detail. Images abound. Hell is where all of you bad people go: the murderers, the thieves, the people who don't separate their garbage. You burn there and get pitchforked around by demons.
Which brings me to the question about that traditional view; what exactly are demons? Are they the ones who are WORSE than you, so they get the elevated status of being the pitchforkers rather than pitchforkees? Or do YOU get to be a demon (AC in your room, free pitchforks), because you only told a lie (not a 'red card' violation in the Ten Commandments) whereas THEY did something much worse, like... said, "OMG!" (taking the lord's name in vain)?
Joking aside, I need to assure you that all of that is totally inaccurate, based as it is on what people perceive as the conditions for admission: you need to be "good" to go to Heaven, leaving the "bad" people to go to Hell. The bad PR for Hell is just so much nonsense. Even theologically it doesn't hold water, since it relies on the idea that the CEO of Hell, the Devil, would be willing to do the bidding of the CEO of Heaven, God. After all, wasn't the split in the destination monopoly precisely BECAUSE Satan would not go along with God's agenda?
Right.
We all need to get on the same page here.
First, you need to understand that both of these images are very antique. God and Satan are in competition for your after-life soul, so you need to check out both venues and make them come up with good bargains for you to choose between. To get you started, I did a quick search and this is what I arrived at.
Heaven Resort
When you enter your lavish suite in a hotel at Heaven Resort, you will be overwhelmed by the stunning view from your personal lanai, the white sandy beaches and the whole bay and distant mountains at your feet. But that is only a start. The complimentary champagne and tropical fruit basket (all organic) will provide the perfect romantic atmosphere for you and your 'special other' to kick back and enjoy the rest of eternity. Need a change of linen and towels? No worries in Heaven! Changes occur on a daily basis AND you can be sure that we follow the most stringent environmental regulations for washing them. Gather later during happy hour in the lobby and join with your fellow hotel guests, socializing and watching sports on the big screen monitors, as well as the free hors d'oeuvres (lactose and gluten intolerant friendly) and our fine wine selections from everywhere. The bars and pubs are open 24/7, but of course, non-alcoholic beverages are also available. Single? Heaven Resort specializes in single hospitality. Cherubims and Seraphims abound, so – who knows – they might shoot you with one of their arrows and help you to find that special person to share eternity with. Heaven Resort is also now LGBT friendly.
We look forward to serving you here at the Heaven Resort.
Check with your travel agent for details.
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure.
Your order is subject to confirmation by Heaven Travel. In the unlikely
event that your order cannot be completed, Heaven Travel will notify you by
email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly
by phone on 800.god.love Please note that this may be subject to
additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules
If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All
changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Heaven Travel is the coordinator of
the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent
between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are
subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements
written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of
the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services
are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for
to the supplier.
Heaven Travel is not responsible for any claims,
losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of
enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Heaven Travel
c)
The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not
limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
Then we have the brochure from Hell (that sounds bad, doesn't it.... see?... prejudice!)
Hell Resort
Entering your room, you look out the window and see a spectacular view. You also notice the remote control lying on your carefully made bed (complementary chocolates are places under your pillow everyday). You pick up the remote in wonder, and pressing a button, realize you can change your whole view (and world) from a wide assortment of popular venues!
Did you and your partner spend a romantic week on the beach in Maui? Click.
Did you meet that special person in the cathedral at York? Click.
Did you wish you had talked to that person on the train in Rome? Click.
Yes, the whole world is there at your fingertips. And don't worry that your ski wear will be out of place in the restaurants
when everyone else decided on a Hawaii vacation. Clicking
the remote button means you interact ONLY with those who have the same
vacation destination in mind.
Free wine tastings in the lobby are just the beginning. We also provide the very best cuisine in each of our restaurants around the plaza (we accommodate any religious dietary requirements); they operate on a 24/7 basis for all eternity. For the kids there are also pizza shops and activities around the pool everyday (check with the manager for details). We look forward to serving you here at the Hell Resort!
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure.
Your order is subject to confirmation by Hell Travel. In the unlikely
event that your order cannot be completed, Hell Travel will notify you by
email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly
by phone on 800.bad.hell Please note that this may be subject to
additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules
If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All
changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Hell Travel is the coordinator of
the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent
between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are
subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements
written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of
the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services
are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for
to the supplier.
Hell Travel is not responsible for any claims,
losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or
ascending to the wrong place,
inconvenience, loss of
enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Hell Travel
c)
The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not
limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
So there you have it. I know you are wondering which resort I am choosing, so let me tell you. I am going to the Lux-Lucifer Hotel on Hot Beach, and (here's an insider tip) I know that there are three suites left on the ocean-view side (these have the best remote controls).
You only have a few days left; better make your reservations for eternity now!
Monday, December 17, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Three Ways Not to Appear Senile
I have written important advice here for other seniors on how to make the most of our declining years: mental health tips, for example, or more importantly, five ways not to be dead. So today too, I would like to continue this contribution to society and write about how not to appear senile.
Let's face it; when you get old, you have basically fulfilled your role on the planet, and most people would just like to see you shuffle off. Especially relatives. All they want is to get you out of the house and off in a home somewhere. If there is anything worse than being accidentally cremated (mentioned in an earlier post), it's being put into an old people's home.
So, to avoid this tragedy, you need to come up with tactics to make sure that you are not diagnosed as being senile.
What happens is fairly standard. The relatives look at you snoozing there in your armchair and at first wonder if you are dead. When they hold the mirror under your nose and see it fog up slightly, they know that you are still among the living, so they need to come up with some other way to get rid of you.
Scenario
Son-in Law: Grandpa isn't happy here; look at him snoring there in his armchair... don't you think he would be happier in a home?
Daughter: Yes, but he still seems to be alert and stuff... I would hate to send him off to a home if he can relate to us and all. And the kids seem to like him.
Son-in-Law: Really? He has seemed a little out of it to me, lately. Like that time he spilled all the wine down his shirt? That was pretty bad... especially with the Andrews over? I mean... Bob Andrews IS my boss! His wife was really upset by Grandpa's leering and all too.
Daughter: Yeah... maybe we should take him in to be tested. They have a lot of tests now to determine the mental capacity of seniors...
So suddenly you are brought in to what they call a "mental-health professional" who will determine if you are senile and ready to be shipped off to a home.
First of all, you must understand that psychiatry and mental-health evaluations are a scam. They might as well wear feathers, shake rattles and dance around you for all the good they do. But they do have standing in society, so you cannot attack them directly.
Bad Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: What day do YOU think it is, asshole?
MHP: Now now... (looking around at the relatives and shrugging his shoulders in feigned helplessness) Why don't we let ME ask the questions... do you know what day it is?
Me: It's Friday! How old are you anyway? Why are you asking all these stupid questions...
MHP: (condescendingly) Very good! Good job! Yes... It's Friday! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I usually have constipation and spend two hours on the toilet, passing something that should have been removed by caesarian section... did you really want to know?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
Anyway... you get the picture. Anything you say in your "usual" personality will be perceived as being senile and "difficult".
So, here is the game plan.
1. Don't be yourself. Even though the mental-health professional will try to draw you out and make you answer stupid questions, you must remember that s/he is trying to get you into a home. That's how they make their money. You have to be careful not to fall into their traps. Do this by asking THEM questions.
Good Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: It's Friday, of course. I really like your tie! Where did you get that by the way?
MHP: Oh! Thank you... I got it at Sears.
Me: Yes, I could sense your good taste in clothing right away.
MHP: Um... oh... yes... it's Friday, you're right! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I try to keep a strict regimen.
MHP: And what does that entail?
Me: Well.... I get up and have breakfast (don't go on and on here about WHAT you have for breakfast; nobody wants to know that you eat a bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement). I like to exercise too. What do you do? You look pretty buff for someone with a desk job.
(POINT: Always turn the conversation back at them. Ask questions. It puts them off their guard and they forget what they are trying to prove about you.)
MHP: (blushing) Well... I do work out a lot actually...
Me: Lots of push-ups I bet! Look at those shoulders!
MHP: Well... not THAT many ... only 50 each time... but I also do some free-weight training, so I think I round out my shoulders and arms pretty well.
Me: I should say! It's incredible. And how about aerobic exercises?
Son-in-law: Um... shouldn't we continue with evaluating Grandpa's mental acuity here?
MHP: He seems fine to me... take him home. Nice to meet you Mr. Pterosaurish.
2. Eventually, however, they will start asking detailed questions that involve math or some other hard to remember thing.
Bad Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to shove up your ass!
MHP: (looking helplessly at your relatives) Ha ha... yes... but how many would it actually be... in numbers, Mr. Pterosaurish... in numbers.
Me: (very poor at math) More than you would want shoved up your ass!
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
You can see how badly such a conversation can go very quickly. All the cards are stacked against you. So you need to have clever strategies to avoid the obvious pitfalls.
Good Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to buy a gelato for the grandkids! Did you know that they really like pistachio? I had no idea!
MHP: Ha ha ha! Really? That's my favorite too!
Me: No way! I always preferred chocolate myself... but anyway, didn't you have some other questions for me? (POINT: find some way to make it seem that you WANT them to ask questions, and if possible, stress "other" questions, since you are weak at math.)
MHP: Oh!... um.... no, I think that about handles it. Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me, you can take him home with you now.
3. Being senile means living in a "different reality". The mental-health professional will try to draw you out about your fantasies and make you seem like you are not living in the "real world".
Bad Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I think about fucking the woman who lives next door... if only she would lean over the fence a little more and fall over into our side of the fence. I might be able to catch her...
MHP: (loudly) I see! But... um... do you think about other things? Sports? Do you watch TV?
ME: ... and when she leans over... omg... you should see it... her blouse sort of flops open a little? and I can see down her shirt.... omg.... maybe if I had a lasso or something or ... I KNOW!! I can get my son-in-law's stupid dog to trip her up so she falls into our yard... Hey! Finders keepers, right?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
There is no way to salvage this conversation; they will put you directly into the ambulance to take you to the home.
Good Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I do the cross-word puzzles in the newspaper.
MHP: Oh.. that is so good for your mental acuity!
Son-in-law: I never saw you do them... he never does the cross-word puzzles....
Me: Oh! I don't WRITE in the newspaper, since I know you like to read it without my scribbles all over... I do them in my head.
MHP: Oh my! That is amazing! I have never met someone who does them in his head!
Son-in-law: He doesn't do it in his head... he's drunk most of the time and looking at the neighbor with those binoculars!
Me: (to the mental-health professional) Where did you get that tie? It really brings out the green in your eyes.
MHP: (blushing) I got it at Sears...
Me: I could sense immediately that you have good taste in clothes.
MHP: Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me... you can take him on home right now.
I hope these three tips have been helpful. Actually, I had intended to write five, but I forgot two of them. If I remember, however, you can be sure I will have two more ways of covering for us seniors in the interviews.
Let's face it; when you get old, you have basically fulfilled your role on the planet, and most people would just like to see you shuffle off. Especially relatives. All they want is to get you out of the house and off in a home somewhere. If there is anything worse than being accidentally cremated (mentioned in an earlier post), it's being put into an old people's home.
So, to avoid this tragedy, you need to come up with tactics to make sure that you are not diagnosed as being senile.
What happens is fairly standard. The relatives look at you snoozing there in your armchair and at first wonder if you are dead. When they hold the mirror under your nose and see it fog up slightly, they know that you are still among the living, so they need to come up with some other way to get rid of you.
Scenario
Son-in Law: Grandpa isn't happy here; look at him snoring there in his armchair... don't you think he would be happier in a home?
Daughter: Yes, but he still seems to be alert and stuff... I would hate to send him off to a home if he can relate to us and all. And the kids seem to like him.
Son-in-Law: Really? He has seemed a little out of it to me, lately. Like that time he spilled all the wine down his shirt? That was pretty bad... especially with the Andrews over? I mean... Bob Andrews IS my boss! His wife was really upset by Grandpa's leering and all too.
Daughter: Yeah... maybe we should take him in to be tested. They have a lot of tests now to determine the mental capacity of seniors...
So suddenly you are brought in to what they call a "mental-health professional" who will determine if you are senile and ready to be shipped off to a home.
First of all, you must understand that psychiatry and mental-health evaluations are a scam. They might as well wear feathers, shake rattles and dance around you for all the good they do. But they do have standing in society, so you cannot attack them directly.
Bad Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: What day do YOU think it is, asshole?
MHP: Now now... (looking around at the relatives and shrugging his shoulders in feigned helplessness) Why don't we let ME ask the questions... do you know what day it is?
Me: It's Friday! How old are you anyway? Why are you asking all these stupid questions...
MHP: (condescendingly) Very good! Good job! Yes... It's Friday! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I usually have constipation and spend two hours on the toilet, passing something that should have been removed by caesarian section... did you really want to know?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
Anyway... you get the picture. Anything you say in your "usual" personality will be perceived as being senile and "difficult".
So, here is the game plan.
1. Don't be yourself. Even though the mental-health professional will try to draw you out and make you answer stupid questions, you must remember that s/he is trying to get you into a home. That's how they make their money. You have to be careful not to fall into their traps. Do this by asking THEM questions.
Good Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: It's Friday, of course. I really like your tie! Where did you get that by the way?
MHP: Oh! Thank you... I got it at Sears.
Me: Yes, I could sense your good taste in clothing right away.
MHP: Um... oh... yes... it's Friday, you're right! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I try to keep a strict regimen.
MHP: And what does that entail?
Me: Well.... I get up and have breakfast (don't go on and on here about WHAT you have for breakfast; nobody wants to know that you eat a bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement). I like to exercise too. What do you do? You look pretty buff for someone with a desk job.
(POINT: Always turn the conversation back at them. Ask questions. It puts them off their guard and they forget what they are trying to prove about you.)
MHP: (blushing) Well... I do work out a lot actually...
Me: Lots of push-ups I bet! Look at those shoulders!
MHP: Well... not THAT many ... only 50 each time... but I also do some free-weight training, so I think I round out my shoulders and arms pretty well.
Me: I should say! It's incredible. And how about aerobic exercises?
Son-in-law: Um... shouldn't we continue with evaluating Grandpa's mental acuity here?
MHP: He seems fine to me... take him home. Nice to meet you Mr. Pterosaurish.
2. Eventually, however, they will start asking detailed questions that involve math or some other hard to remember thing.
Bad Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to shove up your ass!
MHP: (looking helplessly at your relatives) Ha ha... yes... but how many would it actually be... in numbers, Mr. Pterosaurish... in numbers.
Me: (very poor at math) More than you would want shoved up your ass!
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
You can see how badly such a conversation can go very quickly. All the cards are stacked against you. So you need to have clever strategies to avoid the obvious pitfalls.
Good Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to buy a gelato for the grandkids! Did you know that they really like pistachio? I had no idea!
MHP: Ha ha ha! Really? That's my favorite too!
Me: No way! I always preferred chocolate myself... but anyway, didn't you have some other questions for me? (POINT: find some way to make it seem that you WANT them to ask questions, and if possible, stress "other" questions, since you are weak at math.)
MHP: Oh!... um.... no, I think that about handles it. Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me, you can take him home with you now.
3. Being senile means living in a "different reality". The mental-health professional will try to draw you out about your fantasies and make you seem like you are not living in the "real world".
Bad Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I think about fucking the woman who lives next door... if only she would lean over the fence a little more and fall over into our side of the fence. I might be able to catch her...
MHP: (loudly) I see! But... um... do you think about other things? Sports? Do you watch TV?
ME: ... and when she leans over... omg... you should see it... her blouse sort of flops open a little? and I can see down her shirt.... omg.... maybe if I had a lasso or something or ... I KNOW!! I can get my son-in-law's stupid dog to trip her up so she falls into our yard... Hey! Finders keepers, right?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
There is no way to salvage this conversation; they will put you directly into the ambulance to take you to the home.
Good Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I do the cross-word puzzles in the newspaper.
MHP: Oh.. that is so good for your mental acuity!
Son-in-law: I never saw you do them... he never does the cross-word puzzles....
Me: Oh! I don't WRITE in the newspaper, since I know you like to read it without my scribbles all over... I do them in my head.
MHP: Oh my! That is amazing! I have never met someone who does them in his head!
Son-in-law: He doesn't do it in his head... he's drunk most of the time and looking at the neighbor with those binoculars!
Me: (to the mental-health professional) Where did you get that tie? It really brings out the green in your eyes.
MHP: (blushing) I got it at Sears...
Me: I could sense immediately that you have good taste in clothes.
MHP: Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me... you can take him on home right now.
I hope these three tips have been helpful. Actually, I had intended to write five, but I forgot two of them. If I remember, however, you can be sure I will have two more ways of covering for us seniors in the interviews.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Pterosaurish Sees a Psychiatrist
A true journalist is always willing to take risks and "put himself out there" to push back the darkness of ignorance and misunderstanding. Exposing myself... wait... that didn't come out right... revealing intimate details about my psyche is only a small step that I can take in quality journalism. Below you will read my conversation with my psychiatrist. Since it is my own session, I do not violate any laws involving confidentiality.
- - - - - - - - - -
Dr. Arte Remedé: Won't you come in Mr.... er... Pterosaurish? Have a seat. You can sit in that armchair there.
Me: No couch?
Dr: Ha ha ha! No, that's pretty much a figure of speech these days. Most of us psychiatric professionals just use comfy chairs.
Would you like some coffee or anything? (He pours some for himself and crosses over to sit in his easy chair.) Tea?
Me: No, I'm good. We have something in common already, Doctor.
Dr: Oh? What's that?
Me: Silent "p".
Dr: Oh! Ha ha ha! That's right! Very funny. (He makes some notes on a notepad.)
So... what brings you to see me, Mr.... p... t... er... Pterosaurish?
By the way, is that your real name? Is that like Hamish*? Are you Jewish?
Me: No, it's my pen-name.
Dr: I see. And do you commonly use it in other areas of your life?
Me: No, just in writing and seeing psychiatrists.
Dr: Very interesting.... (He quickly jots down more observations.) Can I call you Pter... Pteros ... um... never mind.
So... getting back to why you are here... how are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling fine... just great! How are you doing?
Dr: I am also fine... but... why are you here... what seems to be the problem?
Me: It doesn't SEEM to be a problem. If it only SEEMED to be a problem, I probably would just drink some wine and sleep it off.
It IS a problem.
Dr: Ah... yes... so... what IS this problem you are coming to me for?
Me: I think I must have a personality disorder.
Dr: And why do you feel this, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: Well, according to the CDC, a quarter of Americans have been diagnosed with some disorder, and since most of the people around me seem OK, I thought *I might be one of the one-in-four.
Dr: What kind of disorder do you think you might have?
Me: How should *I know. You're the professional; can't you tell me?
Dr: (chuckling) Well... Mr. Pterosaurish, a normal personality IS one that doesn't feel the need for professional help... one who believes that he or she can cope with life with no more than conventional social support.
Me: So the fact of coming to see you automatically identifies me as abnormal?
Dr: (lecturing) You see, Mr. Pterosaurish, the normal personality is one which knows how to handle the minor ups and downs of life, which finds and exploits strategies for dealing with the life-issues that we all face: temporary depression, worry, nervousness, anxiety about the future, fears of things around us, and – finally – the internalization of the reality of our own death.
Me: But how can I know if I am normal or not?
Dr: (impatiently) OK. Let me ask you some questions. Please answer truthfully.
Me: I will.
Dr: Have you held down a job for a long time, had a career?
Me: Yes.
Dr: (jotting quickly) Have you been married or had a relationship with someone for more than 5 years?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Do YOU feel you get along with your peers in work and play, and do THEY seem to accept you as you are in their circles?
Me: Yes, no question.
Dr: (scribbling) And then, do you ever feel overwhelmed by the emotional impact of something that happens in your life – a relocation, a job loss, a death, for example?
Me: Never.
Dr: Do you suffer from anxieties that impact your daily life: fears that keep you from – say – doing "normal" things like driving?
Me: Are you kidding? Of course not.
Dr: (writing quickly and emphatically putting a period at the end of a sentence) Well then, Mr. Pterosaurish... aside from your insistence on using a pen name here – which I would evaluate as simply eccentric – given your answers, you seem to be perfectly normal to me.
Me: But the same answers would also have been given by – say – Adolf Hitler or Vlad the Impaler...
Dr: (nervously) Vlad the Impaler?
Me: Well, then... maybe I don't even HAVE a personality.
Dr: (sitting up and leaning over in his chair.) Excuse me? You what?
Me: I think I must have lost my personality.
Dr: I don't understand what you mean.
Me: (signing in American Sign Language) *I *have *lost *my *personality.
I think I had one when I was younger, but now I am not so sure.
Dr: No need to be sarcastic, Mr. Pterosaurish.... Let's explore this a little more... um... Why do you think you have lost your personality?
Me: Well, I have been reading a lot about psychiatry, and I read recently that the psychiatric profession is planning a reorganization of the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders for the new DSM V.
Dr: Yes, that's correct. Important research in neuroscience and also in psychodynamic, or dialectal-behavioral, and other psychiatric evaluations have enabled us to understand a lot more about the problems people might develop and what steps we – as psychiatric professionals – can take to assist them in working through these personality disorders.
Me: Yes, exactly. But in all my reading, I never found a psychiatric definition of what a "normal" personality is or – indeed – what a personality is in the first place. Most articles simply say that "normal" depends on the situation, the person himself, the culture, or even the psychiatrist's subjective evaluation. And nowhere can you find a definition of what exactly a personality is.
So now I wonder if maybe I don't even HAVE a personality and cannot be diagnosed properly. I really worry about this and feel the need for a personality.
Dr: Ah ha! So you ARE suffering an anxiety! You have fears involving a "loss of personality"! (he actually made air quotes)
Me: Yes, I am. I do so want to have a personality... and if possible, to have it be normal too – not one of the one-in-four, if you get my drift.
Dr: Well... let's explore that.... what do you mean?
Me: Well, it seems that the "normal" personality by definition doesn't go to see a mental health professional, so if I can get a "normal" personality, I can save a lot of money by not coming to see you.
Dr: Ah... yes... I see your point. Well, I think we can work on this over the next several sessions.
Me: How much will that run me?
Dr: I charge $120 per session.
Me: And how many sessions do you think it might take to provide me with a "normal" personality... one that doesn't need to come here anymore? To be cured....
Dr: This could be an on-going therapy... I think we are looking at something on the order of 20 sessions at least.
Me: So... I am weak at math, but something over $2000?
Dr: Yes... money well spent to find yourself, I would say... wouldn't you?
Me: That's 200 bottles of wine! (I smile sheepishly) Yes, I know.... I drink cheap wine.....
Dr: (raising a finger) Ah! But will the wine help you to have a personality?
Me: Maybe not... but it will definitely make the lack of one easier to bear, and who knows.... I do get very perky when I drink.
Dr: So... Should I pencil you in for next week?
Me: Do you serve wine or have some really cool rituals involving rattles, drums and a lot of feathers.... I really like feathers...?
Dr: (calling to his receptionist) Miss Pliant?! Can you escort Mr. Pterosaurish out, please?
- - - - - - - - - -
*Please don't write ME and tell me that Hamish is a Scottish name, not Jewish. *I know that.
- - - - - - - - - -
Dr. Arte Remedé: Won't you come in Mr.... er... Pterosaurish? Have a seat. You can sit in that armchair there.
Me: No couch?
Dr: Ha ha ha! No, that's pretty much a figure of speech these days. Most of us psychiatric professionals just use comfy chairs.
Would you like some coffee or anything? (He pours some for himself and crosses over to sit in his easy chair.) Tea?
Me: No, I'm good. We have something in common already, Doctor.
Dr: Oh? What's that?
Me: Silent "p".
Dr: Oh! Ha ha ha! That's right! Very funny. (He makes some notes on a notepad.)
So... what brings you to see me, Mr.... p... t... er... Pterosaurish?
By the way, is that your real name? Is that like Hamish*? Are you Jewish?
Me: No, it's my pen-name.
Dr: I see. And do you commonly use it in other areas of your life?
Me: No, just in writing and seeing psychiatrists.
Dr: Very interesting.... (He quickly jots down more observations.) Can I call you Pter... Pteros ... um... never mind.
So... getting back to why you are here... how are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling fine... just great! How are you doing?
Dr: I am also fine... but... why are you here... what seems to be the problem?
Me: It doesn't SEEM to be a problem. If it only SEEMED to be a problem, I probably would just drink some wine and sleep it off.
It IS a problem.
Dr: Ah... yes... so... what IS this problem you are coming to me for?
Me: I think I must have a personality disorder.
Dr: And why do you feel this, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: Well, according to the CDC, a quarter of Americans have been diagnosed with some disorder, and since most of the people around me seem OK, I thought *I might be one of the one-in-four.
Dr: What kind of disorder do you think you might have?
Me: How should *I know. You're the professional; can't you tell me?
Dr: (chuckling) Well... Mr. Pterosaurish, a normal personality IS one that doesn't feel the need for professional help... one who believes that he or she can cope with life with no more than conventional social support.
Me: So the fact of coming to see you automatically identifies me as abnormal?
Dr: (lecturing) You see, Mr. Pterosaurish, the normal personality is one which knows how to handle the minor ups and downs of life, which finds and exploits strategies for dealing with the life-issues that we all face: temporary depression, worry, nervousness, anxiety about the future, fears of things around us, and – finally – the internalization of the reality of our own death.
Me: But how can I know if I am normal or not?
Dr: (impatiently) OK. Let me ask you some questions. Please answer truthfully.
Me: I will.
Dr: Have you held down a job for a long time, had a career?
Me: Yes.
Dr: (jotting quickly) Have you been married or had a relationship with someone for more than 5 years?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Do YOU feel you get along with your peers in work and play, and do THEY seem to accept you as you are in their circles?
Me: Yes, no question.
Dr: (scribbling) And then, do you ever feel overwhelmed by the emotional impact of something that happens in your life – a relocation, a job loss, a death, for example?
Me: Never.
Dr: Do you suffer from anxieties that impact your daily life: fears that keep you from – say – doing "normal" things like driving?
Me: Are you kidding? Of course not.
Dr: (writing quickly and emphatically putting a period at the end of a sentence) Well then, Mr. Pterosaurish... aside from your insistence on using a pen name here – which I would evaluate as simply eccentric – given your answers, you seem to be perfectly normal to me.
Me: But the same answers would also have been given by – say – Adolf Hitler or Vlad the Impaler...
Dr: (nervously) Vlad the Impaler?
Me: Well, then... maybe I don't even HAVE a personality.
Dr: (sitting up and leaning over in his chair.) Excuse me? You what?
Me: I think I must have lost my personality.
Dr: I don't understand what you mean.
Me: (signing in American Sign Language) *I *have *lost *my *personality.
I think I had one when I was younger, but now I am not so sure.
Dr: No need to be sarcastic, Mr. Pterosaurish.... Let's explore this a little more... um... Why do you think you have lost your personality?
Me: Well, I have been reading a lot about psychiatry, and I read recently that the psychiatric profession is planning a reorganization of the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders for the new DSM V.
Dr: Yes, that's correct. Important research in neuroscience and also in psychodynamic, or dialectal-behavioral, and other psychiatric evaluations have enabled us to understand a lot more about the problems people might develop and what steps we – as psychiatric professionals – can take to assist them in working through these personality disorders.
Me: Yes, exactly. But in all my reading, I never found a psychiatric definition of what a "normal" personality is or – indeed – what a personality is in the first place. Most articles simply say that "normal" depends on the situation, the person himself, the culture, or even the psychiatrist's subjective evaluation. And nowhere can you find a definition of what exactly a personality is.
So now I wonder if maybe I don't even HAVE a personality and cannot be diagnosed properly. I really worry about this and feel the need for a personality.
Dr: Ah ha! So you ARE suffering an anxiety! You have fears involving a "loss of personality"! (he actually made air quotes)
Me: Yes, I am. I do so want to have a personality... and if possible, to have it be normal too – not one of the one-in-four, if you get my drift.
Dr: Well... let's explore that.... what do you mean?
Me: Well, it seems that the "normal" personality by definition doesn't go to see a mental health professional, so if I can get a "normal" personality, I can save a lot of money by not coming to see you.
Dr: Ah... yes... I see your point. Well, I think we can work on this over the next several sessions.
Me: How much will that run me?
Dr: I charge $120 per session.
Me: And how many sessions do you think it might take to provide me with a "normal" personality... one that doesn't need to come here anymore? To be cured....
Dr: This could be an on-going therapy... I think we are looking at something on the order of 20 sessions at least.
Me: So... I am weak at math, but something over $2000?
Dr: Yes... money well spent to find yourself, I would say... wouldn't you?
Me: That's 200 bottles of wine! (I smile sheepishly) Yes, I know.... I drink cheap wine.....
Dr: (raising a finger) Ah! But will the wine help you to have a personality?
Me: Maybe not... but it will definitely make the lack of one easier to bear, and who knows.... I do get very perky when I drink.
Dr: So... Should I pencil you in for next week?
Me: Do you serve wine or have some really cool rituals involving rattles, drums and a lot of feathers.... I really like feathers...?
Dr: (calling to his receptionist) Miss Pliant?! Can you escort Mr. Pterosaurish out, please?
- - - - - - - - - -
*Please don't write ME and tell me that Hamish is a Scottish name, not Jewish. *I know that.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Hey guys, why not live longer now?!
For the longest time, I thought that the fact that women outlived men was the result of a design flaw (male nipples?¹) or some kind of software bug in men. It seemed unfair that men would flame out early, leaving women to hang out by themselves – beach side with the piña coladas – and enjoy all the great benefits of a long and happy life, such as early onset dementia, or chronic constipation.
Indeed, I have written here before about how men not only live shorter lives, but how we are also walking a tightrope of uselessness; one false step and we could plummet off into total gender oblivion!
People are starting to talk, guys! "They"² are wondering if we are ever going to shape up and make something of ourselves.
Think about it!
List all the dumb comments made – say – about rape during the recent election cycle in the US. One hundred percent of them were made by men! You could hear American women's eyes rolling, way over here in Japan.
I am not joking.
So, being a man myself and not wanting to be swept into the dustbin of history, I have been searching for information that could help us guys lead not only better but longer lives. After all, once we get the "better" part down, then women and society in general ³ will appreciate having us around longer.
If we stay like we are – uneducated louts, controlling the TV remote – women will want to see us drop out of the scene faster and faster, and we will see diminishing life expectancies as is already happening in Russia. You can be sure that Russian women have decided that they can control the remote and probably a lot more as well.
We don't want that! No way.
So we need to define what it is that we want out of life. Do we want to just lie around the house, drinking up all the wine and watching the pathetic Mariners lose on TV?
Let me answer that for you, since I have the feeling that you would say "Yeah? Is there anything else?!"
Put down that beer and pay attention here!
The proper answer for "socially acceptable"⁴ males is "no".
What I am driving at is that we guys would like to hang out with women, but we have been making ourselves less and less attractive to them by our behavior. They are starting to think that maybe they can make do with a cat for comfort and a dild ... well... something else for other things (let's not give them any ideas).
If you are international like *I am, you read news from a wide variety of international sources and then feel really good about yourself for your eclectic orientation. In the Hindustan Times, for example, in their Entertainment section (no less) we can find the answer to our search for gender meaning.
Apparently we guys have a different cocktail of hormones in our systems than the women we are chasing, and THIS is the source of a lot of our problems.
More crime? Blame the hormones.
Lose your job and lie around the house all day, pretending to be a cat? More hormone maladjustments.
All this time, we have been thinking that it was FEMALES who had the hormone issues. How many times have you thought, "Omg... she is talking about that again!" and blamed it on "that time of month" etc? Right.
Well.... apparently it's not them; it's us.
Sorry.
What can we do about this? Well, according to the research, eunuchs lived much longer than the other males around them. Even lavishly fed and well-treated males such as kings and emperors were outlived by the eunuchs who served them.
So! We⁵ can solve the problem of longevity by undergoing a simple operation. In fact, you can do this at home. Boston Corbett (the man who shot John Wilkes Booth) performed this operation on himself with a pair of scissors.
There are of course side-effects such as a lack of libido and a desire to hang out in harems and try on all the women's lingerie. But to catch up with women in our modern society, maybe these small sacrifices are worth it.
Our nation is calling us, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what YOU can do for getting along better with everyone else."
For myself, I am too old to be bothered with this silliness, so I will be letting nature take its own course. For you younger men, however, I strongly advocate this simple procedure that you can do at home. You won't regret it, and the whole world will be better off. What a wonderful thing you can do for the human community.
Afterwards, I would like to support you in your new circumstances, so please send me the telephone numbers or email addresses of all your female friends so that I can help them adjust to your new world too!
Trust me, I will try very hard.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ Intelligent design folks? Hello? Helloooooo?
² "They" pretty much means all the women you know.
³ "society in general refers to women.
⁴"Socially acceptable" equals if you want to actually hang out with women.
⁵ This means you.
Indeed, I have written here before about how men not only live shorter lives, but how we are also walking a tightrope of uselessness; one false step and we could plummet off into total gender oblivion!
People are starting to talk, guys! "They"² are wondering if we are ever going to shape up and make something of ourselves.
Think about it!
List all the dumb comments made – say – about rape during the recent election cycle in the US. One hundred percent of them were made by men! You could hear American women's eyes rolling, way over here in Japan.
I am not joking.
So, being a man myself and not wanting to be swept into the dustbin of history, I have been searching for information that could help us guys lead not only better but longer lives. After all, once we get the "better" part down, then women and society in general ³ will appreciate having us around longer.
If we stay like we are – uneducated louts, controlling the TV remote – women will want to see us drop out of the scene faster and faster, and we will see diminishing life expectancies as is already happening in Russia. You can be sure that Russian women have decided that they can control the remote and probably a lot more as well.
We don't want that! No way.
So we need to define what it is that we want out of life. Do we want to just lie around the house, drinking up all the wine and watching the pathetic Mariners lose on TV?
Let me answer that for you, since I have the feeling that you would say "Yeah? Is there anything else?!"
Put down that beer and pay attention here!
The proper answer for "socially acceptable"⁴ males is "no".
What I am driving at is that we guys would like to hang out with women, but we have been making ourselves less and less attractive to them by our behavior. They are starting to think that maybe they can make do with a cat for comfort and a dild ... well... something else for other things (let's not give them any ideas).
If you are international like *I am, you read news from a wide variety of international sources and then feel really good about yourself for your eclectic orientation. In the Hindustan Times, for example, in their Entertainment section (no less) we can find the answer to our search for gender meaning.
Apparently we guys have a different cocktail of hormones in our systems than the women we are chasing, and THIS is the source of a lot of our problems.
More crime? Blame the hormones.
Lose your job and lie around the house all day, pretending to be a cat? More hormone maladjustments.
All this time, we have been thinking that it was FEMALES who had the hormone issues. How many times have you thought, "Omg... she is talking about that again!" and blamed it on "that time of month" etc? Right.
Well.... apparently it's not them; it's us.
Sorry.
What can we do about this? Well, according to the research, eunuchs lived much longer than the other males around them. Even lavishly fed and well-treated males such as kings and emperors were outlived by the eunuchs who served them.
So! We⁵ can solve the problem of longevity by undergoing a simple operation. In fact, you can do this at home. Boston Corbett (the man who shot John Wilkes Booth) performed this operation on himself with a pair of scissors.
There are of course side-effects such as a lack of libido and a desire to hang out in harems and try on all the women's lingerie. But to catch up with women in our modern society, maybe these small sacrifices are worth it.
Our nation is calling us, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what YOU can do for getting along better with everyone else."
For myself, I am too old to be bothered with this silliness, so I will be letting nature take its own course. For you younger men, however, I strongly advocate this simple procedure that you can do at home. You won't regret it, and the whole world will be better off. What a wonderful thing you can do for the human community.
Afterwards, I would like to support you in your new circumstances, so please send me the telephone numbers or email addresses of all your female friends so that I can help them adjust to your new world too!
Trust me, I will try very hard.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ Intelligent design folks? Hello? Helloooooo?
² "They" pretty much means all the women you know.
³ "society in general refers to women.
⁴"Socially acceptable" equals if you want to actually hang out with women.
⁵ This means you.
Monday, November 19, 2012
OMG! Awwwww! Sooo Cute!
Is there anyone on the planet who can look at this picture and not have an instant "Awwww!!!" response? I frankly doubt it. Thinking, "That's CUTE!!" seems to be hard-wired into our psyches, bringing out feelings that probably have played important roles in the evolution of the species.
Research is only just now starting to delve into this theme of why we think certain things are cute, and also what effects cuteness has on the human brain.
A recent study by a Japanese team, for example, has shown that exposing subjects to cuteness increases their ability to function and focus on their work. Imagine the significance of this important research! It might mean, for example, that painting the whole airplane with "Hello Kitty" and other cute pictures could help the pilots concentrate on their flying and also aid the ground staff in their efforts as well!
Ground Staff Person #1: Omg!! Look at that airplane! That is SOOOO cute!!! I just LOVE Hello Kitty.... awwww... she's gone to Italy as a tourist! Awww!!
GSP#2 (focusing on the task at hand): You attached the toilet pump-out nozzle to the fuel tank...
GSP#1: Oops... here... let me get that... er... is it OK to have so much jet fuel all over the ground like this?
But focusing on work is not the only effect of seeing a cute thing. Additional research shows that cuteness stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are excited by such compelling things as sex, good food, and cocaine.
In other words, we humans really like to look at "cute"!
Duh.
But might there be more important implications in our reactions to cute things?
It is a well-known fact that pet ownership has direct and measurable health benefits. Naturally the nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship we have with our pets – they barf on the floor and we clean it up, etc. – is an important factor in the health advantages for pet owners. It's not a stretch to say, however, that our pets' cuteness is one of the main reasons we are attracted to them and develop the meaningful connections we do. If cats were covered with scales, for example, we would hunt them down for the vermin that they clearly are! That they are furry, soft and adorable means that we jump to their beck and call and go "awww!" as they upchuck their crunchy food into our slippers.
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that the Awww Factor (AF) may well be the most powerful influence in the health benefits of pets.
Consider:
What country has the highest AF on the planet? No question; Japan wins hands down.
And which nation has one of the highest life expectancies? Yes... good guess! You ARE paying attention after all!
Japan.
But that is not all.
Which portion of the population of the country with the longest life expectancy is Number One in the world?
Japanese women.
Why?
From an early age, every Japanese girl and young woman is exposed to a barely sub-lethal dose of cuteness. While young boys are vulnerable to some of this as small children too, they soon "grow out" of it and move on to more adult things, like becoming an "otaku" nerd or a withdrawn recluse.
Little girls, however, get dosed early and long – everything from "Hello Kitty" children's in-flight meals, McDonalds characters on happy meals, school buses, cars filled with stuffed animals (who has not seen THIS?), even on the garbage truck, and cute box lunches in cute lunch boxes to take to school, to cute pencil cases and cute fashions. Never mind "Little Poopy". All of these provide a strong health boost throughout a woman's formative years which they carry on into later life in the form of better health and greater longevity.
All of us can learn a lesson from this AF influence. If you want to live a long and healthy life you need to expose yourself to as much cuteness as possible. As we have seen above, getting a pet is an important first step, but why not supplement that with some stuffed animals in your car or living room. Go ahead; don't be shy about it, put Hello Kitty stickers on your windows or maybe even get some Hello Kitty tableware. When you hire that maid to live up to Biblical values, why not go for a cute one? Make your meals adorable as well, by forming the meatloaf into a Winnie the Pooh or the birthday cake into a likeness of Snoopy.
These are simple, inexpensive, and non-invasive steps you can take right NOW to improve your health and vitality. As for me, having just looked at about 30 pages of cuteness, I think I have been exposed to much more than the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of cuteness and might need an insulin shot.
Research is only just now starting to delve into this theme of why we think certain things are cute, and also what effects cuteness has on the human brain.
A recent study by a Japanese team, for example, has shown that exposing subjects to cuteness increases their ability to function and focus on their work. Imagine the significance of this important research! It might mean, for example, that painting the whole airplane with "Hello Kitty" and other cute pictures could help the pilots concentrate on their flying and also aid the ground staff in their efforts as well!
Ground Staff Person #1: Omg!! Look at that airplane! That is SOOOO cute!!! I just LOVE Hello Kitty.... awwww... she's gone to Italy as a tourist! Awww!!
GSP#2 (focusing on the task at hand): You attached the toilet pump-out nozzle to the fuel tank...
GSP#1: Oops... here... let me get that... er... is it OK to have so much jet fuel all over the ground like this?
But focusing on work is not the only effect of seeing a cute thing. Additional research shows that cuteness stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are excited by such compelling things as sex, good food, and cocaine.
In other words, we humans really like to look at "cute"!
Duh.
But might there be more important implications in our reactions to cute things?
It is a well-known fact that pet ownership has direct and measurable health benefits. Naturally the nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship we have with our pets – they barf on the floor and we clean it up, etc. – is an important factor in the health advantages for pet owners. It's not a stretch to say, however, that our pets' cuteness is one of the main reasons we are attracted to them and develop the meaningful connections we do. If cats were covered with scales, for example, we would hunt them down for the vermin that they clearly are! That they are furry, soft and adorable means that we jump to their beck and call and go "awww!" as they upchuck their crunchy food into our slippers.
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that the Awww Factor (AF) may well be the most powerful influence in the health benefits of pets.
Consider:
What country has the highest AF on the planet? No question; Japan wins hands down.
And which nation has one of the highest life expectancies? Yes... good guess! You ARE paying attention after all!
Japan.
But that is not all.
Which portion of the population of the country with the longest life expectancy is Number One in the world?
Japanese women.
Why?
From an early age, every Japanese girl and young woman is exposed to a barely sub-lethal dose of cuteness. While young boys are vulnerable to some of this as small children too, they soon "grow out" of it and move on to more adult things, like becoming an "otaku" nerd or a withdrawn recluse.
Little girls, however, get dosed early and long – everything from "Hello Kitty" children's in-flight meals, McDonalds characters on happy meals, school buses, cars filled with stuffed animals (who has not seen THIS?), even on the garbage truck, and cute box lunches in cute lunch boxes to take to school, to cute pencil cases and cute fashions. Never mind "Little Poopy". All of these provide a strong health boost throughout a woman's formative years which they carry on into later life in the form of better health and greater longevity.
All of us can learn a lesson from this AF influence. If you want to live a long and healthy life you need to expose yourself to as much cuteness as possible. As we have seen above, getting a pet is an important first step, but why not supplement that with some stuffed animals in your car or living room. Go ahead; don't be shy about it, put Hello Kitty stickers on your windows or maybe even get some Hello Kitty tableware. When you hire that maid to live up to Biblical values, why not go for a cute one? Make your meals adorable as well, by forming the meatloaf into a Winnie the Pooh or the birthday cake into a likeness of Snoopy.
These are simple, inexpensive, and non-invasive steps you can take right NOW to improve your health and vitality. As for me, having just looked at about 30 pages of cuteness, I think I have been exposed to much more than the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of cuteness and might need an insulin shot.
Monday, November 12, 2012
The iPotty
I know what you are thinking.
You are rolling your eyes and imagining that I am going to fill this space with juvenile potty humor.
This just goes to show how narrow minded YOU are.
Actually I am going to fill this space with sophisticated, adult potty humor.
In many countries when you go to the toilet, you can expect to find one basic model everywhere. In the US, for example, the "American Standard" is common – both in private dwellings and in public restrooms.
As I have written before, Japan has started a revolution in toilets. Despite this, however, when you go to a public restroom, you never know just what point on the toilet evolutionary scale you will encounter. It could be an old fashioned "squat pot", a simple Western-style toilet, or a fancy washing toilet with all the "bells and whistles". It's better than the old days when public facilities often did not have any toilet paper, but you still go through emotional ups and downs, walking to the restroom, anticipating one thing but finding another.
Although the range of toilets is greater in public restrooms, you can still be surprised at private homes. A visit to a friend's house provided just that sort of experience. A fairly wealthy family, they had recently installed a top-of-the-line appliance in their downstairs restroom.
I walked into the small room (only a toilet and a tiny sink) and was surprised by the top lid springing open – a gaping mouth ready to take a bite out of me! The toilet left the seat part of the toilet down, however, not being smart enough to determine that I was a guy and why I was in there. I had to raise the seat by hand, but it didn't seem to like me doing that (I found out later that there is a button for that function) and fought with me over raising the seat. Perhaps it was questioning my gender.
I finished what I came into the restroom to do and politely closed the seat and the lid. The toilet automatically flushed itself. I turned to the sink to wash my hands, and I must have moved my arms too much, because the toilet lid sprang open again, staring malevolently at me with its built-in LED light. I quickly closed it, and the appliance fastidiously flushed again.
The next morning, I needed to use the toilet for a more "significant" purpose. The lid jumped open as I entered the room, but I didn't need to fight with the toilet to raise the seat.
I sat down, completed my mission, and glanced at the control panel on the wall next to me. This is called a "stick remote control". Please have a look at the link above, so you can see how confounding a control it is. The large round buttons on the vertical portion of the controller are from left to right:
Butt Bidet
OFF Water Pressure Washing Position Clean
Soft Wide Bidet Nozzle
The row of nine smaller buttons on the top of the controller are from left to right:
Big Small Eco Small Move Massage Power Smell Removal Dry
and
Open Lid Open Lid & Seat
Where do I start?
First of all, if you live in Japan, very quickly you learn that BIG and SMALL on the toilet flush-lever does not mean you need to gauge the size of your deposit and flush accordingly.
"Well, I DID have three burritos for dinner last night .... so.... big?"
No.
In Japanese "small" is "number 1" and "big" is "number 2", so that function on the remote was fairly clear. Eco Small probably means you would use less water. What I was worried about was "Move" and "Massage". The positioning of the washing nozzle is set by the large buttons on the front of the panel, so what would I be moving if I pressed the MOVE button? Might the whole toilet take me into another room? Or perhaps it was some sort of enema function that would "move" me in a different way. In any case, I wasn't going to experiment.
Also the button with BUTT on the top and SOFT on the bottom left me anxious. Controls with ranges of function usually have contrasting labels: High and Low, Strong and Weak, Front and Back. The contrast of BUTT and SOFT didn't seem to have anything to do with the human body.
And what about the MASSAGE button? I really wanted to know exactly what part of my anatomy the toilet was going to massage before I pushed it.
The toilets I am accustomed to have only basic wash functions, so I restricted my cleaning efforts to those. I stood up, closed the lid, and the toilet dutifully flushed for me.
Once again, while I was washing my hands, the lid snapped open as if to say, "Did you finish your business? Are you SURE?!"
I closed it and as I left the room, I could hear it fussily flushing itself again.
The technology has gotten increasingly complex. Early washing toilets had only a wash and a bidet function (I have NO idea why you would need both, but I have a very limited imagination). These have evolved into toilets which do things for you that you didn't know you needed done. The future obviously will bring even better facilities, perhaps with richer interactive functions that we can program like cars to "read" us as individuals and do unto us as we would do unto ourselves in many different ways, while treating other people completely differently.
Talk about a brave new world.....
You are rolling your eyes and imagining that I am going to fill this space with juvenile potty humor.
This just goes to show how narrow minded YOU are.
Actually I am going to fill this space with sophisticated, adult potty humor.
In many countries when you go to the toilet, you can expect to find one basic model everywhere. In the US, for example, the "American Standard" is common – both in private dwellings and in public restrooms.
As I have written before, Japan has started a revolution in toilets. Despite this, however, when you go to a public restroom, you never know just what point on the toilet evolutionary scale you will encounter. It could be an old fashioned "squat pot", a simple Western-style toilet, or a fancy washing toilet with all the "bells and whistles". It's better than the old days when public facilities often did not have any toilet paper, but you still go through emotional ups and downs, walking to the restroom, anticipating one thing but finding another.
Although the range of toilets is greater in public restrooms, you can still be surprised at private homes. A visit to a friend's house provided just that sort of experience. A fairly wealthy family, they had recently installed a top-of-the-line appliance in their downstairs restroom.
I walked into the small room (only a toilet and a tiny sink) and was surprised by the top lid springing open – a gaping mouth ready to take a bite out of me! The toilet left the seat part of the toilet down, however, not being smart enough to determine that I was a guy and why I was in there. I had to raise the seat by hand, but it didn't seem to like me doing that (I found out later that there is a button for that function) and fought with me over raising the seat. Perhaps it was questioning my gender.
I finished what I came into the restroom to do and politely closed the seat and the lid. The toilet automatically flushed itself. I turned to the sink to wash my hands, and I must have moved my arms too much, because the toilet lid sprang open again, staring malevolently at me with its built-in LED light. I quickly closed it, and the appliance fastidiously flushed again.
The next morning, I needed to use the toilet for a more "significant" purpose. The lid jumped open as I entered the room, but I didn't need to fight with the toilet to raise the seat.
I sat down, completed my mission, and glanced at the control panel on the wall next to me. This is called a "stick remote control". Please have a look at the link above, so you can see how confounding a control it is. The large round buttons on the vertical portion of the controller are from left to right:
Butt Bidet
OFF Water Pressure Washing Position Clean
Soft Wide Bidet Nozzle
The row of nine smaller buttons on the top of the controller are from left to right:
Big Small Eco Small Move Massage Power Smell Removal Dry
and
Open Lid Open Lid & Seat
Where do I start?
First of all, if you live in Japan, very quickly you learn that BIG and SMALL on the toilet flush-lever does not mean you need to gauge the size of your deposit and flush accordingly.
"Well, I DID have three burritos for dinner last night .... so.... big?"
No.
In Japanese "small" is "number 1" and "big" is "number 2", so that function on the remote was fairly clear. Eco Small probably means you would use less water. What I was worried about was "Move" and "Massage". The positioning of the washing nozzle is set by the large buttons on the front of the panel, so what would I be moving if I pressed the MOVE button? Might the whole toilet take me into another room? Or perhaps it was some sort of enema function that would "move" me in a different way. In any case, I wasn't going to experiment.
Also the button with BUTT on the top and SOFT on the bottom left me anxious. Controls with ranges of function usually have contrasting labels: High and Low, Strong and Weak, Front and Back. The contrast of BUTT and SOFT didn't seem to have anything to do with the human body.
And what about the MASSAGE button? I really wanted to know exactly what part of my anatomy the toilet was going to massage before I pushed it.
The toilets I am accustomed to have only basic wash functions, so I restricted my cleaning efforts to those. I stood up, closed the lid, and the toilet dutifully flushed for me.
Once again, while I was washing my hands, the lid snapped open as if to say, "Did you finish your business? Are you SURE?!"
I closed it and as I left the room, I could hear it fussily flushing itself again.
The technology has gotten increasingly complex. Early washing toilets had only a wash and a bidet function (I have NO idea why you would need both, but I have a very limited imagination). These have evolved into toilets which do things for you that you didn't know you needed done. The future obviously will bring even better facilities, perhaps with richer interactive functions that we can program like cars to "read" us as individuals and do unto us as we would do unto ourselves in many different ways, while treating other people completely differently.
Talk about a brave new world.....
Monday, November 5, 2012
The Proper Labels
Once again Japanese gangs, yakuza, have slithered into the news. In Fukuoka on the southern island of Kyushu, the problem of gang-extortion and violence has gotten out of control. Naturally, the ever-alert National Police Agency (NPA) needs to have new weapons at its disposal to combat this rise in crime and disruption of peaceful commerce.
I am sure you are imagining the creation of new SWAT teams, delivery of armored vehicles, or issuance of shotguns or other heavy weapons to the cop on the beat, but in fact – this being Japan – the steps involve new labels, and stickers on restaurant and bar windows.
Someone needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic new turn in law enforcement direction, so once again I donned my investigative journalism hat and roamed out into the streets to see for myself what was going on. A Hard-Hitting News Hound needs to get out in the streets and rub shoulders with the street people to keep his fingers on the pulse of the streets in order to do proper reporting.
Nothing was going on in the streets.
Part of the reason for this is that I live in a rural area hundreds of kilometers from the gang problem in Fukuoka.
I needed to take other steps.
I contacted my connections at the NPA and arranged another interview with one of the officers involved with handling gang activities.
The assistant showed me into his office.
Captain Kanarazu Taiho: Please sit down.... Wait a minute... weren't you here before?
HHNH (me): Uh... yes... I talked to you in September?
Capt. Taiho: So what is it now?
HHNH: I wanted to ask you about the new anti-gang policies the NPA has instituted recently.
Capt. Taiho: (pulling a non-filter cigarette from the pack and tapping it on his Zippo lighter) Didn't you ask me about that last time?
HHNH: Yes, but last time was about the designation of gangs... you know... labeling them as gangs so that the police could deal with them?
Capt. Taiho: So? What now? (he keeps tamping his cigarette on the lighter)
HHNH: So, I wondered what the recent police activity was about. The gangs have been officially designated already, so why is there a problem in Fukuoka with arresting them when they break the law?
Capt Taiho (putting the cigarette into his mouth): You really have no clue about law enforcement, do you? (he lights the cigarette dramatically and flicks the Zippo lighter closed with a flair) There are ordinary gangs out there, but there are also very violent gangs who enter legitimate establishments and threaten the owners and extort money and so on... it's very serious.
HHNH: Yes, it sounds really bad... so why don't you arrest them?
Capt Taiho (puffing out a huge cloud of smoke): Are you out of your mind? We can't arrest gangsters who are labeled only as common gangsters when they are out of control and acting violently? They need a special classification! Where have YOU been?
HHNH: But... I mean... well... if they are breaking the law, can't you arrest them for that?
Capt Taiho: HAHAHAHA!!! I really like talking to you... and now I remember why! You are a foreigner and have NO IDEA what we do here in the National Police Agency. I read about your country's police... they just rush in and shoot the gangsters, but here in Japan (he made it sound like a bastion of civilization against the onslaught of barbarism), we just don't do that.
HHNH: So... from what I read in the papers, it sounds like you needed to reclassify some of the gangsters?
Capt. Taiho: So you ARE paying attention! Yes! We absolutely had to go back and look at our lists of gangs and reclassify some of them as "violent gangsters".
HHNH: And what difference did that make? I mean... if they break the law and all... why not just arrest them?
Capt. Taiho: YOU MORON! (he spit his cigarette onto the floor) Do you not understand... (he got another cigarette from his pack and started tamping it on the lighter)... the least bit about police work? Let me give you an example (he looked up at the ceiling, lit his cigarette and started explaining as if to a person with broccoli-level intelligence). Suppose I tell you to go out and catch some fish.
HHNH: I can do that!
Capt. Taiho: No doubt. But suppose that the fish we really need caught is only one type, say mackerel. You would come back with arm-loads of fish but not one mackerel among them!
HHNH: But if all the fish were ba...
Capt. Taiho: NO!!! It's important to label the really bad ones and weed them from the others!
HHNH: I see... then after they are labeled, how will you stop the mackerel from going into the various restaurants and other establishments and extorting money and so on?
Capt. Taiho: You didn't read about that? You missed the main point! When it comes to serious crime, the NPA will not hesitate to take drastic action! We have issued stickers* to EVERY business in the eating and drinking areas of Fukuoka.
HHNH: Er... stickers?
Capt. Taiho: Of course stickers! These are not just any old stickers, no... these will turn away violent gangsters. They have the emblem of the National Police Agency on them!
HHNH: I see... kind of like holding up a cross at a vampire?
Capt. Taiho: What are you talking about? There are no vampires in Japan.
HHNH: Um... so NPA policy is to "scare" the most violent members of organized criminal gangs away by putting stickers on the windows of restaurants and other establishments?
Capt. Taiho: (looking very smug and blowing smoke out through his nostrils) Exactly! In short order, we can expect a decrease in the number of violent gang members entering these establishments and conducting illegal business such as extortion.
HHNH: It's amazing what the NPA can accomplish with such seemingly small measures and at a very reasonable cost too!
Capt. Taiho: Yes! We here at the National Police Agency take our stewardship of the public's resources very seriously. Relabeling the worst of the gangsters and placing stickers in every window in the night-life districts is an efficient and cost-effective way of dealing with the problem of organized crime in Japan.
HHNH: Well... thank you very much for your time, Captain.
Capt. Taiho: It was my pleasure. I am always happy to explain the policies and practices of Japan's efficient and effective police force to members of the foreign press. Your country's police could learn some lessons from us, you know!
HHNH: Yes, no doubt. I will write a letter to the FBI. Maybe they can come up with some cool stickers that will scare off the gang-bangers and the drug gangs in the US.
Capt. Taiho: Excellent idea! Good luck. You know the way out.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Sticker translation: "Gang Members Prohibited"
I am sure you are imagining the creation of new SWAT teams, delivery of armored vehicles, or issuance of shotguns or other heavy weapons to the cop on the beat, but in fact – this being Japan – the steps involve new labels, and stickers on restaurant and bar windows.
Someone needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic new turn in law enforcement direction, so once again I donned my investigative journalism hat and roamed out into the streets to see for myself what was going on. A Hard-Hitting News Hound needs to get out in the streets and rub shoulders with the street people to keep his fingers on the pulse of the streets in order to do proper reporting.
Nothing was going on in the streets.
Part of the reason for this is that I live in a rural area hundreds of kilometers from the gang problem in Fukuoka.
I needed to take other steps.
I contacted my connections at the NPA and arranged another interview with one of the officers involved with handling gang activities.
The assistant showed me into his office.
Captain Kanarazu Taiho: Please sit down.... Wait a minute... weren't you here before?
HHNH (me): Uh... yes... I talked to you in September?
Capt. Taiho: So what is it now?
HHNH: I wanted to ask you about the new anti-gang policies the NPA has instituted recently.
Capt. Taiho: (pulling a non-filter cigarette from the pack and tapping it on his Zippo lighter) Didn't you ask me about that last time?
HHNH: Yes, but last time was about the designation of gangs... you know... labeling them as gangs so that the police could deal with them?
Capt. Taiho: So? What now? (he keeps tamping his cigarette on the lighter)
HHNH: So, I wondered what the recent police activity was about. The gangs have been officially designated already, so why is there a problem in Fukuoka with arresting them when they break the law?
Capt Taiho (putting the cigarette into his mouth): You really have no clue about law enforcement, do you? (he lights the cigarette dramatically and flicks the Zippo lighter closed with a flair) There are ordinary gangs out there, but there are also very violent gangs who enter legitimate establishments and threaten the owners and extort money and so on... it's very serious.
HHNH: Yes, it sounds really bad... so why don't you arrest them?
Capt Taiho (puffing out a huge cloud of smoke): Are you out of your mind? We can't arrest gangsters who are labeled only as common gangsters when they are out of control and acting violently? They need a special classification! Where have YOU been?
HHNH: But... I mean... well... if they are breaking the law, can't you arrest them for that?
Capt Taiho: HAHAHAHA!!! I really like talking to you... and now I remember why! You are a foreigner and have NO IDEA what we do here in the National Police Agency. I read about your country's police... they just rush in and shoot the gangsters, but here in Japan (he made it sound like a bastion of civilization against the onslaught of barbarism), we just don't do that.
HHNH: So... from what I read in the papers, it sounds like you needed to reclassify some of the gangsters?
Capt. Taiho: So you ARE paying attention! Yes! We absolutely had to go back and look at our lists of gangs and reclassify some of them as "violent gangsters".
HHNH: And what difference did that make? I mean... if they break the law and all... why not just arrest them?
Capt. Taiho: YOU MORON! (he spit his cigarette onto the floor) Do you not understand... (he got another cigarette from his pack and started tamping it on the lighter)... the least bit about police work? Let me give you an example (he looked up at the ceiling, lit his cigarette and started explaining as if to a person with broccoli-level intelligence). Suppose I tell you to go out and catch some fish.
HHNH: I can do that!
Capt. Taiho: No doubt. But suppose that the fish we really need caught is only one type, say mackerel. You would come back with arm-loads of fish but not one mackerel among them!
HHNH: But if all the fish were ba...
Capt. Taiho: NO!!! It's important to label the really bad ones and weed them from the others!
HHNH: I see... then after they are labeled, how will you stop the mackerel from going into the various restaurants and other establishments and extorting money and so on?
Capt. Taiho: You didn't read about that? You missed the main point! When it comes to serious crime, the NPA will not hesitate to take drastic action! We have issued stickers* to EVERY business in the eating and drinking areas of Fukuoka.
HHNH: Er... stickers?
Capt. Taiho: Of course stickers! These are not just any old stickers, no... these will turn away violent gangsters. They have the emblem of the National Police Agency on them!
HHNH: I see... kind of like holding up a cross at a vampire?
Capt. Taiho: What are you talking about? There are no vampires in Japan.
HHNH: Um... so NPA policy is to "scare" the most violent members of organized criminal gangs away by putting stickers on the windows of restaurants and other establishments?
Capt. Taiho: (looking very smug and blowing smoke out through his nostrils) Exactly! In short order, we can expect a decrease in the number of violent gang members entering these establishments and conducting illegal business such as extortion.
HHNH: It's amazing what the NPA can accomplish with such seemingly small measures and at a very reasonable cost too!
Capt. Taiho: Yes! We here at the National Police Agency take our stewardship of the public's resources very seriously. Relabeling the worst of the gangsters and placing stickers in every window in the night-life districts is an efficient and cost-effective way of dealing with the problem of organized crime in Japan.
HHNH: Well... thank you very much for your time, Captain.
Capt. Taiho: It was my pleasure. I am always happy to explain the policies and practices of Japan's efficient and effective police force to members of the foreign press. Your country's police could learn some lessons from us, you know!
HHNH: Yes, no doubt. I will write a letter to the FBI. Maybe they can come up with some cool stickers that will scare off the gang-bangers and the drug gangs in the US.
Capt. Taiho: Excellent idea! Good luck. You know the way out.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Sticker translation: "Gang Members Prohibited"
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