Checklist for Senility

I have written here on a number of occasions about issues that affect us seniors and how to make our "golden" years more meaningful. Important challenges such as how not to be dead stress us at every turn. But none plagues us more than the worry over losing our mental faculties. We have explored some of the techniques you can use to enhance your mental capabilities, but there always remains that nagging worry, "Am I losing it?"
Today I would once again like to address this topic of concern by laying out a diagnosis tool that you can use in the privacy of your own home to find out if your loved one is getting senile or not.
First of all, let's define our terms.
I find that there is nothing worse in self-help articles than when the author fails to define terms and leads the reader off into a wasteland of ill-conceived advice. I mean, when you are talking about intestinal bloating, wouldn't it be a good idea to know that standing near an open flame would not be a good idea? Hello?
Some authors are just irresponsible.
Anyway, the main definition we need to be concerned with here is for "mental faculties". The simplest way to think of this is to imagine your brain is like a university. As with most universities, it is divided up into different faculties. And like at university, each of these operates independent of each other, getting together periodically for usually boring but sometimes contentious meetings where Prof. F. goes on and on about his plans for the department that have already been dismissed as stupid and untenable ten years ago.
But I digress. And while I am digressing, did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
Getting that out of the way, we can now proceed to the test. Keep score on a piece of paper, so you can add up the results at the end of this article.
1. Does your loved one sometimes walk into a room and forget why he went there? 10 points
2. Is he over 60 and doing #1 above? 0 points
3. Is he under 60 and not drinking and doing #1 above? 10 points
4. Does he sometimes misplace items, putting the car keys into the cat bowls and the cat food into his pocket, for example? 10 points
5. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
6. Does he tell the same stories or jokes to the same people again and again.  10 points
7. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
8. Does he start a project and then get distracted half-way through and abandon it, causing it to fail? (I am thinking of something like baking a cake, not brain surgery.) 10 points
9. Oh! I almost forgot! Did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
10.

Banging Blind

After a law was passed in Iowa in 2011 (why am I not surprised), allowing anyone to get a firearm permit on line, even blind people can now legally pack heat. A local sheriff has decided that as blind people are entitled to purchase firearms, they can learn to use them safely. He states, "People think that they are just going to shoot blindly, just start shooting at noises."
Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Right?
I mean, a blind person? "Just shooting blindly"? Why would people think that?
For his part, the blind man on the video states with confidence that he can "do whatever needs to be done, if the time ever came". He wants to protect himself and his wife from the... hmm... from "whatever" when "the time" comes.
How exactly is this going to work? Is his service dog going to call out the shots for him?

Scenario
Blind Man (waking suddenly and whispering): What's that noise? (He feels for his wife who is asleep in bed next to him; no way is HE going to do a Pistorius). Did you hear anything, Fido?
Dog: Woof!
BM: Do you see something, Fido? (He slips his Glock 20 with 15-round, high-capacity magazine and Storm Lake ported, stainless-steel barrel from under his pillow and flips off the safety)
Dog: Woof! Bark!
BM: Is it over there, Fido (Gestures to the left with his Glock held out professionally with two hands in front of him)?
Dog: Bark! Arf! Snarl!
BM: What is it, Fido? Did it move over that way? Shall I shoot?!!! (Waves gun back and forth menacingly)
Dog: Bark! Arf!! Bark!! SNARL! BARK!
BM: (squeezing trigger 10 times rapidly): TAKE THAT YOU VICIOUS HOME INVADER!
Did I hit him, Fido?
Did I?
Shall I shoot again?
. . . . . .
Fido? FIDO?!

It's a shame that so many people – sighted and now blind – think that owning a firearm will actually make them safer, enabling them to do "whatever needs to be done" when "the time comes". The time comes, but it's not the vicious rapist perpetrating a home invasion they shoot, but their daughter, sneaking in from a late date with her boyfriend.
Or the dog... if they're lucky.

Brain Health Through Messiness

We guys pretty much understand that we are hard to live with. I have written about this before, trying to persuade the "fairer" sex that we men are worth keeping around, but it isn't easy.
We monopolize the remote control. We do all of our chores in a slovenly and ill-timed manner. We leave our clothes lying around. We forget to clean up after friends come over, leaving YOU to put all the wine bottles and beer cans in the recycling bin, and I don't even want to talk about the crumbs and bits of pizza that end up soiling the carpet and falling down behind the cushion in the sofa (I swear that was not MY piece of pizza!).
Let's face it. Men are slobs.
Which brings me to my point, a delicate issue. First of all, I am really not trying to defend our behavior as such. Rather, I would like to make a point that maybe women could consider... you know... think about.
I stumbled upon this information recently about Alzheimer's. Apparently people who live in clean and hygienic places suffer from this disease more than those who do not live in such germ-free environments. The lack of exposure to infectious agents, dirt and grit seems to have some connection to the later development of this debilitating mental disease.
Another interesting feature of this incapacitation is that women get it more than men. There are a lot of theories about why they do, but the fact of it is undeniable.
I think that the "theorists" may be missing a key component in the difference of lifestyle between women and guys that may be hiding the real culprit behind the increased risk. It seems entirely possible to me that women, being neat and tidy and generally preferring to clean up everything right away might be sowing the seeds of their own later problems.
We guys live like pigs (sorry pigs), and this lack of interest in basic hygiene may actually protect us from the onset of this form of dementia. When we forget to wash our hands after changing the oil in the lawn mower or – shudder – going to the toilet, we may actually be promoting better brain health.
So what I am trying to suggest, women, is that maybe you guys could lighten up about the cleanliness around the house a little and not only benefit from the possibility of better brain health in later years but also get along with us guys better.

Political Poo Hacking

Just when you thought you were safe going to the toilet, this information appears on the Internet. Hackers can control your toilet!
As I have mentioned in these posts before (here and here), the Japanese are more advanced when it comes to toilets than any other nation on this third rock from the Sun. I am not kidding. Now it seems that the toilets are somehow hooked into the Internet and can be controlled from your smart phone.
This makes a lot of sense when you have rushed out of your house, having completed your morning... er... ablutions... but suddenly you remember, "OMG! I forgot to flush! My wife will be traumatized and we will have another big therapy bill next month!" Something needs to be done. You find the right app on your iPhone, dial up (why do we still say "dial") and tell your toilet to go ahead and flush.
It flushes obediently.
As harmless as this seems, we really do have to consider the implications. As many of you alert readers will recall, Japan's Prime Minister Abe Shinzo was also Prime Minister several years ago, but had some problems with fulfilling his duties. No, it wasn't the usual foot-in-mouth thing that Japanese politicians do, saying things like "there was no rape of Nanjing" or "Japan never invaded anyone" or "the nuclear bombs were dropped for no reason at all", etc. etc.
In this case, poor Prime Minister Abe had to quit because he suffered from a "crippling case of diarrhea". I know that many of you out there think I have my head in the potty and have a limited sense of humor that barely hangs on with "poopy" jokes and scatology, but I want you to know that in this case, I am not making anything up.
First, a little background on Japanese toilets. People in the US and Europe have no idea about how sophisticated Japanese toilets are. Even the average toilet will rinse you off and dry you. You can adjust the water pressure so that the spray... um... cleans deeper than a superficial rinse.
Which brings me to my point.
Abe really did quit because of a terrible diarrhea. It's unprecedented in the modern world.
How did this happen? Perhaps his toilet was hacked by a foreign power!

Scenario
Prime Minister's Assistant (outside the toilet with his ear to the door): Mr. Abe, is everything OK in there? I heard a terrible high-pressure water sound!
PM Abe: Gar! Argh.... OMG! OMG! Omg omg omg omg omg.... holy crap.... what the f*#k?!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister! Are you OK in there? Open the door!!
PM Abe: I cannot open the door right now... the toilet is... ARGH!!! OMG!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister!! Let me in! I can help you. Um... you DO remember that you have to give that important speech in 10 minutes before the Diet, right? We need to get you ready... the makeup for the TV cameras and all...
PM Abe (breathing heavily): Oh... oh... this is the worst.... omg... omg... it was like a fire hose... my whole abdomen swelled up to the size of this room... oh... my clothes... omg omg...
Assistant: I will bring you a new suit... don't go away! I will be right back.... (runs off)
PM Abe: suit... how about my socks and shoes and hair and... omg.... I have been cleansed... argh... no wait... there is still more... (loud splashing sound)....
Assistant: Open up! I brought the clean suit!
PM Abe: Please announce my resignation... I can't go on like this....my legs... omg... I have never seen anything like this before....

And in this way, a certain foreign power which discovered how to hack his toilet managed to postpone his conservative and "unfriendly" agenda for another five years.
You can be sure his toilets have security protection now!
He is Prime Minister again... what toilets might they hack next?

11 ways to know if you are an asshole

It is such a cliché that web posts put up a certain number of items and list them in their title.
23 signs that you are an introvert...
hello? 23? Why not 20 or 25?
It makes me think of the Japanese pre-exercise warmup routine. It involves an 8-count. 1-2-3-4 (change sides) 5-6-7-8.
I have asked them about it, "Why do you do an 8-count? Is there some reason why this is more effective than—say—a 10-count or a 20-count?"
They look at me as if I am suffering from some social disease and move to the other side of the field and continue... 1-2-3-4 (change sides) 5-6-7-8.
But the numbered approach has its appeal. You know in advance how long you need to pay attention and usually you can remember some of them, unless there are 23 things you need to remember.
11 is a reasonable number, and that brings me to today's topic: how to know if you are an asshole or not.
First of all, being an asshole is pretty much a guy thing. Let's face it. It's guys who are the assholes on this planet; we don't say that a woman is an asshole much.
So this is directed to you guys. We will do this in the ever popular point scoring method, so you do need to keep score and do addition.
Asshole detection 101
1. Do you own a gun? Give yourself 2 points.
2. Do you think the gun protects you and your family and/or values? Give yourself 5 points.
3. Do you think that many people at work are incompetent? Give yourself 2 points.
4. Do you think that if the incompetent people at work would only listen to you, things would be better? Give yourself 5 points.
5. Do you often say that so-n-so at work is a jerk? Give yourself 2 points.
6. Do you think that your lifestyle is totally cool? Give yourself 2 points.
7. Do you think that others should do what you do lifestyle-wise? Give yourself 5 points.
8. Do you believe in a religion? Give yourself 2 points.
9. Do you think others should also believe what you believe? Give yourself 5 points.
10. Do you talk about women with your buddies and make comments about their appearance? Give yourself 2 points.
11. Do you talk with your friends about how you have "scored" with women? Give yourself 5 points.

Tally your score.
0~10 You are not an asshole.
11~20 You really need to be careful
21~36 You are a full-blown asshole

12. Can you do the math? If not, you are not an asshole, but you might be stupid. Take a test to find out!

Out

Out to lunch 

and

With the Faeries

In the Wilderness

I was in the wilderness of Maine, drinking too much champagne this past Monday (relative was getting married), and there was no internet or even phone service out there, so I am using that as an excuse for spacing the column.
:-)