As we age and watch our bodies and minds decay, we cannot help but think about the end of our existence. What will it be like? Will we fly into the light like in the movies or simply have the switch flicked off?
Unknowable stuff. And depressing to even contemplate.
But we DON'T need others around us thinking, "How old is Jimmy, anyway? Shouldn't he shuffle off to his reward?"
What you really want to avoid is people thinking you are dead when you are not.
Apparently this happens all the time; guy has a sneezing fit and collapses and then wakes up in the morgue! The family all says, "We thought he was dead!"
Yeah... right.
They were LOOKING for the opportunity to declare the guy dead. I can see it clearly.
SCENARIO
Husband: Something in the air today, don't you think? I have been sneezing all day! What IS that? Pollen?
Wife: I don't notice anything....
Husband: Yeah... sneezing a lot is all... what's on the tube this evening anyway? . . . . . AH CHOOOOO!!!
(falls down and lies there for a little while)
Wife: QUICK! KIDS! Your father is finally dead. We need to load him on the truck and take him to the morgue.
[at the morgue]
Coroner: What have we got here?
Wife: My husband (sniffle sniffle)... he passed away just an hour ago. And I thought he would outlive me! (cries ostentatiously)
Coroner: Let's have a look. Say... you don't have anything to drink with you, do you?
Wife: Drink? Um.... I do have this bottle of vodka... unopened. You want some of this? It was... his... (cries again).
Coroner: Whoa! Stoli! My fave. Yes, thank you. OK. I need to do some tests here. Y'all stand back, OK? (opens bottle and swigs several times directly from the bottle)
Hmm... he definitely looks deceased. What did you say happened?
Wife: He had a kind of fit and fell over.
Coroner: OK. Good enough. I will say it was a heart attack. May I keep the bottle?
Wife: Oh sure. I don't drink.
Husband wakes up the next morning with hypothermia in the morgue.
We seniors need to be on our guard just in case people around us might think that we have passed our "best by" date.
So – once again, as a public service – I would like to give back to the community and provide helpful hints to seniors as to how not to have this happen to them.
Obviously, the basic principle is to not appear to be dead. This is often not as easy as it seems; we take naps, we fade off in our chairs in the evening. It's easy to see how grandpa might not seem to be breathing sometimes. So we need to take precautions.
1. The Favorite Chair Scenario
Clearly drifting off in your favorite chair in the evening is an open invitation for those around you to say, "Hey! He looks dead to me! Let's truck him over to the dump!" So you need to take precautions. I am recommending handcuffs. They are cheap and they will affix you to your chair so that the pesky relatives cannot easily schlep you to the dump.
2. The Afternoon Nap Scenario
Napping is a vulnerable time for us seniors. Some of us bellow and snort with sleep noises, but others are silent and – worse – stretched out in "abnormal" positions that suggest "DEAD DEAD DEAD!!" to the relatives. You need to take precautions against this. First, look around at the place where you nap. Imagine your sleeping form there; does it look deceased? You need to change it. Hold a book and sit halfway upright in bed with open eyes painted on your eyelids, for example. This will convince people that you are reading. Record your snoring friends and play the sounds when you are sleeping. This will also make your relatives stop at the door and wait for other opportunities.
3. The Narcolepsy or Sneezing Collapse Scenario
We seniors are frail and suffer from a lot of disabilities. The drugs we take alone would be enough to turn most young people into pillars of salt. Suddenly things happen to us and it is easy for those around us to "mistake" this for death.
Charming Kids: "Mom! Mom! What's wrong with Grandpa! He sneezed or something and now he is not moving!!"
Mom: He's dead! Help me carry him to the truck.
You need to think about this in advance. Wear a bracelet that says in several languages (this could – and often does – happen while traveling abroad), "I AM NOT DEAD!"
4. The "Dying" While Traveling Scenario
Many relatives will take you on an arduous trip. We seniors are vulnerable to this as we don't like to admit we cannot do the things we used to do; we pretend we are as strong as ever.
Wife: Honey? Does the thin air here at Everest Base Camp bother you?
Husband: (struggling to revive his cardiopulmonary system) GAR! GESSHHH! I.... am.... fine..... no.... problem.
Often it is more than a senior can take right away and he faints. Naturally this is looked at as an opportunity.
Wife: OMG! Harry! Are you OK?!! HARRY!! SPEAK TO ME!!! GUIDE!! HEY! Harry has fainted or something... help me!
Guide: The monks in the Jokhang Monastery would often fast for days.... what?
Wife: My husband... he has fainted.
Guide: You want coffee?
Wife: No... he is sick, ill.
Guide: I bring breakfast. You wait here.
Wife: No! I need a doctor. An ambulance!!! Hurry PLEASE!
Guide: We have, we have! I bring special perfumes for you! My cousin! He make the very best! You wait here. [Guide runs off to get cousin].
Of course, the next stop is the crematorium.
5. Don't Get Cremated Scenario
Being mistaken for dead is bad enough, but then what often happens is, rather than letting you sleep it off in the morgue, they rush out and cremate you. Now is THAT a drag or what? There is no recovery from that, so it is imperative that you prevent this from happening. There are some steps you can take. First, say you are Jewish. This makes cremation difficult. Another thing is to wear a bracelet that says you have a plutonium implant in your body. Cremation of radioactive materials is illegal in most places. These steps will allow for enough time for you to wake up in the morgue.
You: WTF?! Where AM I.
Morgue Attendant: (turning pale) 你死了！(You are dead!)
You: It's freaking cold in here. Can I get some coffee or something? What is this hotel anyway?
MA: 我必须去。(I have to go.) [runs out]
There are other things to do as well of course: eat healthy food, don't smoke, moderate your drinking (yeah...right), and so on, but the five tips above will ensure that in that emergency moment you can keep your relatives from deciding you are deceased and guarantee that you live another day!
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