Dear Women,
Hi.
:-)
I know you have been reading the stuff in the press about how men are useless and unnecessary. If you haven't, you are probably living in a cave somewhere and definitely need to get out more.
Anyway, the media is FULL of it: men are not going to college as much as women, men are losing their jobs more than women, men are not doing any work around the house, and men cause all the crimes.
You get the picture; men suck.
As a man, I feel hurt by all this bad press. It's true, my SAT scores were low, but I did eventually graduate from college in about 12 years or so. I also do SOME stuff around the house. Why only the other day... or was it three weeks ago... I picked up my socks and put them in the laundry. Some of us are just late bloomers.
But what I want to talk about today is the good points about men!
Please consider our good points before you put us out with the trash, OK?
Here they are:
1. The remote control.
I know that the issue of men monopolizing the TV remote has been contentious for years. You women would like to take it over so you can cry without interruption while getting absorbed in that chick flick. It's a valid point.
But consider this. If you let your man handle the remote control, he will flick back and forth between the channels, and you will not only be able to cry over your movie but also over the Mariners (who suck big time).
This is a double benefit and makes it worthwhile to keep a man around.
2. The lying around and doing nothing.
It's true; we men tend to lie around and "appear" to be doing nothing as we kick back on the couch and swill our wine with our hands down our pants. But actually, we ARE doing something. We are being decorative.
Like cats!
I mean, you women keep cats around, don't you? What do THEY do? They lie around on the couch and basically do nothing. But they are decorative. We men are too! Plus (and this is so totally a win-win thing) we talk! (sometimes) So we can ask you how your day was and how you feel about things, and then ask you to get us a beer from the fridge.
3. Men's clothes lying around.
Yes.. yes.. I know. If there is ANYTHING worse than OUR lying around, it is our CLOTHES lying around. I admit, we have room for improvement here. But we do know where everything is! I mean, you women lose your keys in your purse! Did you ever think about that? The reason is because things are so concentrated in there. You need to spread things around a little, and then you will have no trouble finding them. We discovered this back in the paleolithic era, so we have a lot of practice, but you women have been too tight and "under control", so you have missed out on this important evolutionary development.
4. Our toys.
"Boys and their toys"! How many times have I heard this said by you women in a condescending sort of way.
I forgive you.
But, you need to think about what is behind us guys wanting the latest gadgets and stuff.
The national economy!
Yes.
You probably think we guys are just farting around on the couch and watching TV and thinking we need a bigger TV so we can watch the Mariners lose in high definition.
Right?
But you are wrong.
We don't mind watching the Mariners lose in low definition.... well.... we do... but not because of the TV.
No, we realize that a lot of jobs (like the one we lost) depend on TV sales. So we are doing our bit to help the national economy when we buy that 42" flat screen TV. We also hope the Seahawks will not only LOOK better but DO better than the Mariners when we buy it.
Oh! And there is that really cool video camera that we can attach to our helmet and stuff? MAN!! Is that awesome or what?!! It is so small and takes video in high definition! Like 90 minutes! I could even attach it to my leg when I go skiing and then post the videos on YouTube. Too cool!
What was I saying?
Oh... right...
5. We don't do anything around the house.
I have done some research about this problem, and I can tell you that this also goes back to the stone age period. There was a cave woman back there who was actually quoted as saying, "BOBO! Will you get off your fat butt and help clean up these bones around the fire? Why do you just throw them around like that anyway!!"
... or something like that. It's an old problem.
I would just like for you modern women to be a little more understanding. That's all.
Let's face it. Men are busy. I mean, even if we don't actually have a job or a hobby and are spending ALL our time lying around with the cats, we are busy. In our heads.... or somewhere. Anyway, the busyness keeps us from seeing what needs to be cleaned up. An eye problem! That's it! Our eyes are different from yours.
6. Not asking directions.
I know this has been your personal peeve for a long time. It's true that we men have a certain reticence to ask for directions when we take the wrong exit off the expressway and bring you to some small oasis in the Mohave desert when we thought we were in Seattle. You women get irritated.
It's different DNA.
You see, we men are hard-wired to look for adventure! Not asking for directions means that every trip – even going to that new, romantic restaurant that you wanted to go to on our anniversary, and that we made the reservation for at 7:00, and we were still driving around at 9:30 – is an opportunity to explore and find something new!
Pizza Hut wasn't THAT bad, was it?
Anyway... don't worry... at least we guys know how much gas is in the tank. (usually)
So what I would like to say in conclusion is that you women are very cool. I think I speak for a lot of men in saying that we like you a lot, and we hope you will consider these positive attributes that I have listed above and keep us. We might be worth it.... maybe.... at least as much as the cats anyway.
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