Remember the days when traveling by air was full of romance and excitement? Movies of the day showed strangers meeting on a commercial airliner and even falling in love! Flight attendants were glamorous and passengers were not only well behaved but even dressed up for the occasion. Nowadays things are different... very different.
Conversation 1
29B Aisle (to 29A Window): Excuse me, Ma'am, could you close your window shade, please?
29A: Why?
29B: It's very bright in my eyes.
29A: Close your eyes; that's what eyelids are for.
29B: Er... I don't want to sleep; I just want it a little less bright.
29A: What do you think they PUT windows in airplanes for anyway? It's so we can look out and see stuff!
29B: But it's so bright....
29A: You should send your sorry ass by UPS. Those planes don't have ANY windows!!
29B: . . . . . . .
So much for romance.
Conversation 2
Menu choices: Beef Chop Suey (looks like it has already been eaten once) and Chicken Cacciatore (looks OK)
Flight attendant (at row 28): Would you care for beef or chicken?
28A: Chicken please.
28B: Chicken please.
Flight attendant: Beef or chicken?
29A: Chicken
29B: I'll have the chicken, please.
Flight Attendant: Beef or chicken?
30A: Chicken please.
30B: Chicken.
Flight Attendant: Helen, do you have any more chicken on that side?
Helen: Nope, I'm out.
Flight Attendant (to me): Wanna eat?
31B: um.... no, I guess not....
So much for excitement.
I have been traveling around a lot this past week, so can't come up with much more than this. Thanks for reading.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Beauty Tips for Men
Everywhere you look there are beauty tips for women that tell them how to avoid looking old (don't wear blush on the "apples" of your cheeks) or how to look younger INSTANTLY (wear bright blush on the "apples" of your cheeks). Unfortunately, there are almost no beauty hints out there for men. As all of my friends know, I am very fashionable and up-to-date in my appearance, so this week I would like to provide 10 beauty hints for men that will keep you looking young and full of vim and vigor and increase your appeal to women.
1. Women adore men who have dramatic hair, so having lots of dramatic hair will help you to look younger. Going bald? No problem. You need to buy a toupee. Even rich and famous people like John Travolta make use of this tried and true technique for a more youthful style! Another solution is to do creative combing. Nothing will get the attention of those hot women faster than that dramatic head of hair.
2. As we age, we metabolize foods and beverages differently than we did when we were – say – 20. You can hide these developments with the right clothing. A tight fitting waistband will go a long way towards giving you that slim look that all the women crave. It helps to do a few sit-ups and not eat so much too.
3. Body hair is not popular among women today. Even famous politicians, such as Congressman Weiner, wax away their chest hair before tweeting images of themselves to avid supporters. Waxing is expensive, however, so don't be afraid to go with other cover ups, if you want to get that cool date.
4. It's a myth that women are not visually oriented. They only pretend not to notice when a hot guy walks by in sexy clothes. This means that you should stimulate this interest by wearing clothes that will set you apart from the crowd. At the beach, why not strut your stuff with this swimsuit – new for 2011? Or bring out the rip-snorting female in your women friends by greeting them at the door when they come home from work in this sexy item! They will not be able to resist your charms!
5. Muscles are also quite the rage among women these days. They all want their men to be muscled up and looking manly. While not everyone can look as good as this, you should make an effort to develop some muscles. Choose a part of your body that looks like it might have potential already and work on that at first. Be careful of which muscle group you select and try to keep some balance in your routine, however. In this photo, we can see how he has carefully developed his forearms and wrists but sadly neglected other parts of his body.
6. Tattoos are all the rage these days and VERY manly. Don't do something passé like getting an anchor or someone's name tattooed on your chest, but rather try to make a unique statement that will keep you showing your interest in your date!
7. I would be remiss here if I didn't talk a little about everyday fashion – not just the sexy statements we men should all be making on those special occasions as mentioned in # 4 above. Every man wants to be unique, so try to avoid looking like every other guy on the street! First of all, forget that boring banker look with your suit and go into work wearing something more distinctive. The woman in the next cubicle whom you have been admiring will fall head over heels in love with you!
8. Accessories are important too! Nothing will fade that fashionable suit faster than some boring watch from Sports Store Anonymous. No! You want to stand out and make a statement. Forget the watch; you have a cell phone, don't you? You need to accessorize in a provocative way. This is what the ladies want! A purse to carry your cell phone and other gear is just the ticket. These are all the rage in the Euro community where men are MEN and women like them just that way!
9. Developing a good color-sense is also important. Women appreciate men whose clothing reflects a masculine sensitivity to what goes with what. Don't always pick the obviously dramatic pairings, even subtle pastels can work well in layers together.
10. Finally, women these days like tall men. The average American man is only about 178 cm (5'10") tall, so if you are vertically challenged, don't be shy about compensating with some subtle foot wear such as these shoes! The women will only notice that they can finally look up to you!
So why not leave that "old you" behind and turn over a new beauty leaf? What have you got to lose?
1. Women adore men who have dramatic hair, so having lots of dramatic hair will help you to look younger. Going bald? No problem. You need to buy a toupee. Even rich and famous people like John Travolta make use of this tried and true technique for a more youthful style! Another solution is to do creative combing. Nothing will get the attention of those hot women faster than that dramatic head of hair.
2. As we age, we metabolize foods and beverages differently than we did when we were – say – 20. You can hide these developments with the right clothing. A tight fitting waistband will go a long way towards giving you that slim look that all the women crave. It helps to do a few sit-ups and not eat so much too.
3. Body hair is not popular among women today. Even famous politicians, such as Congressman Weiner, wax away their chest hair before tweeting images of themselves to avid supporters. Waxing is expensive, however, so don't be afraid to go with other cover ups, if you want to get that cool date.
4. It's a myth that women are not visually oriented. They only pretend not to notice when a hot guy walks by in sexy clothes. This means that you should stimulate this interest by wearing clothes that will set you apart from the crowd. At the beach, why not strut your stuff with this swimsuit – new for 2011? Or bring out the rip-snorting female in your women friends by greeting them at the door when they come home from work in this sexy item! They will not be able to resist your charms!
5. Muscles are also quite the rage among women these days. They all want their men to be muscled up and looking manly. While not everyone can look as good as this, you should make an effort to develop some muscles. Choose a part of your body that looks like it might have potential already and work on that at first. Be careful of which muscle group you select and try to keep some balance in your routine, however. In this photo, we can see how he has carefully developed his forearms and wrists but sadly neglected other parts of his body.
6. Tattoos are all the rage these days and VERY manly. Don't do something passé like getting an anchor or someone's name tattooed on your chest, but rather try to make a unique statement that will keep you showing your interest in your date!
7. I would be remiss here if I didn't talk a little about everyday fashion – not just the sexy statements we men should all be making on those special occasions as mentioned in # 4 above. Every man wants to be unique, so try to avoid looking like every other guy on the street! First of all, forget that boring banker look with your suit and go into work wearing something more distinctive. The woman in the next cubicle whom you have been admiring will fall head over heels in love with you!
8. Accessories are important too! Nothing will fade that fashionable suit faster than some boring watch from Sports Store Anonymous. No! You want to stand out and make a statement. Forget the watch; you have a cell phone, don't you? You need to accessorize in a provocative way. This is what the ladies want! A purse to carry your cell phone and other gear is just the ticket. These are all the rage in the Euro community where men are MEN and women like them just that way!
9. Developing a good color-sense is also important. Women appreciate men whose clothing reflects a masculine sensitivity to what goes with what. Don't always pick the obviously dramatic pairings, even subtle pastels can work well in layers together.
10. Finally, women these days like tall men. The average American man is only about 178 cm (5'10") tall, so if you are vertically challenged, don't be shy about compensating with some subtle foot wear such as these shoes! The women will only notice that they can finally look up to you!
So why not leave that "old you" behind and turn over a new beauty leaf? What have you got to lose?
Monday, July 18, 2011
How to German Wines
Last week after some hard-hitting investigation, I debunked the idea that people were shy about accurate alcohol information on their wine labels – a journalistic high moment. But that got me to thinking that maybe I should perform other public services and give back more to the community.
I did pass on information about how to understand cricket – many months ago – so in that same civic spirit, I would like to provide some useful hints about wine, specifically, how to read a German wine label.
It is a well-known fact that German wines are the most comprehensively labeled wines in the world. They provide a wealth of information, enabling the wine drinker to pick the right wine "for the job", so to speak. Regrettably, the information is in German, so the English-speaking "lay person" is at a disadvantage in deciphering what is on the label.
This is where I come in. Endless hours of research have given me unique insights into German wine-label cryptography, so I am happy to pass along a few tidbits of useful intelligence to you, the crypto-challenged "lay person".
First, good German wines are ranked according to how long the grapes have been ripening on the vines. This ranking is called "Prädikat". I cannot figure out why they put two dots over the 'a' when a plain 'a' would work just as well, but "Prädikat" means "predicate", in English. As you all know from when you studied French in high school, the predicate is actually the verb. You underline it twice when you diagram sentences, and all the other lines come off from it: the adverbs, the relative clauses, the objects of the verb and so on. So in German wine labeling, all the rankings branch off from this "verb", too.
"What are the rankings," you ask?
A very good and timely question.
The lowest ranking is "Kabinett". As you might have guessed, the word "Kabinett" in German is related to the English word "Cabinet" which itself comes from French. The French, of course, used it as "cabinet de toilette", so this wine is of a quality to be drunk in the toilet (or other "kabinetts"), preferably alone.
Let's move to the next level of quality, "Spätlese". Once again we see the 'a' with two dots over it. I really wish they would cut this out, as I have no idea how to pronounce it – even in my brain. You know what happens when you eat ice cream too fast? That is sort of what happens when I try to pronounce "Spätlese" in my head¹. Whatever the pronunciation, this ranking is a little higher than the "kabinett" one, but if you drink too much of it, you will probably "spät up", so it's best to go easy on it.
Moving right along, the next ranking is "Auslese". "Aus" means "off" in German and "lese" means "vintage", but this vintage is not "off" as we understand the word. Ha ha! This wine is good enough to take "off" the shelf in the "kabinett" – sort of like "coming out of the closet". You could even serve it to friends!
The fourth level of quality is called "Beerenauslese". We might read this in English as "beer 'n' auslese". Like "Auslese" above, this one is definitely good enough to serve guests, but should be drunk with beer. Those Germans! I would recommend a small glass of the wine followed by a stein of beer drunk as a chaser.
Next up the chain of command, so to speak, is "Eiswein". This means exactly what it sounds like, "ice wine". Although most of us would NEVER EVER put ice in our wines, in Germany this is what is required for this wine. It is so concentrated in its flavor that you should add ice to it to "weäken or dilüte it" before drinking.
The final level of quality is called "Trockenbeerenauslese". "Trocken" is German for "dry". This is also a wine that – as with simple "Beerenauslese" – you drink with beer. The difference is that you must drink both the bottle of wine and the stein of beer "dry". It is a cultural thing similar to the Japanese "kampai" or the Chinese "Gan bei" which means to "dry your cup", except you are dealing with a much larger volume, since you have to kill the whole bottle PLUS the large stein of beer. Be careful about "Späting" this one up too.
I hope these simple hints have been useful for you and that next time when you go to your local wine shop you will be able to casually bandy about these terms with the wine merchant, demonstrating how you have graduated from "lay person" to "person" in the wine world!
Cheers! Or as they say in Swedish, skål. It just goes to show that you can put a lot of things over the 'a' in other languages. Be thankful that you speak English and don't need to worry about them.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ For you Japanese-speakers, it would be like trying to pronounce カ° .
I did pass on information about how to understand cricket – many months ago – so in that same civic spirit, I would like to provide some useful hints about wine, specifically, how to read a German wine label.
It is a well-known fact that German wines are the most comprehensively labeled wines in the world. They provide a wealth of information, enabling the wine drinker to pick the right wine "for the job", so to speak. Regrettably, the information is in German, so the English-speaking "lay person" is at a disadvantage in deciphering what is on the label.
This is where I come in. Endless hours of research have given me unique insights into German wine-label cryptography, so I am happy to pass along a few tidbits of useful intelligence to you, the crypto-challenged "lay person".
First, good German wines are ranked according to how long the grapes have been ripening on the vines. This ranking is called "Prädikat". I cannot figure out why they put two dots over the 'a' when a plain 'a' would work just as well, but "Prädikat" means "predicate", in English. As you all know from when you studied French in high school, the predicate is actually the verb. You underline it twice when you diagram sentences, and all the other lines come off from it: the adverbs, the relative clauses, the objects of the verb and so on. So in German wine labeling, all the rankings branch off from this "verb", too.
"What are the rankings," you ask?
A very good and timely question.
The lowest ranking is "Kabinett". As you might have guessed, the word "Kabinett" in German is related to the English word "Cabinet" which itself comes from French. The French, of course, used it as "cabinet de toilette", so this wine is of a quality to be drunk in the toilet (or other "kabinetts"), preferably alone.
Let's move to the next level of quality, "Spätlese". Once again we see the 'a' with two dots over it. I really wish they would cut this out, as I have no idea how to pronounce it – even in my brain. You know what happens when you eat ice cream too fast? That is sort of what happens when I try to pronounce "Spätlese" in my head¹. Whatever the pronunciation, this ranking is a little higher than the "kabinett" one, but if you drink too much of it, you will probably "spät up", so it's best to go easy on it.
Moving right along, the next ranking is "Auslese". "Aus" means "off" in German and "lese" means "vintage", but this vintage is not "off" as we understand the word. Ha ha! This wine is good enough to take "off" the shelf in the "kabinett" – sort of like "coming out of the closet". You could even serve it to friends!
The fourth level of quality is called "Beerenauslese". We might read this in English as "beer 'n' auslese". Like "Auslese" above, this one is definitely good enough to serve guests, but should be drunk with beer. Those Germans! I would recommend a small glass of the wine followed by a stein of beer drunk as a chaser.
Next up the chain of command, so to speak, is "Eiswein". This means exactly what it sounds like, "ice wine". Although most of us would NEVER EVER put ice in our wines, in Germany this is what is required for this wine. It is so concentrated in its flavor that you should add ice to it to "weäken or dilüte it" before drinking.
The final level of quality is called "Trockenbeerenauslese". "Trocken" is German for "dry". This is also a wine that – as with simple "Beerenauslese" – you drink with beer. The difference is that you must drink both the bottle of wine and the stein of beer "dry". It is a cultural thing similar to the Japanese "kampai" or the Chinese "Gan bei" which means to "dry your cup", except you are dealing with a much larger volume, since you have to kill the whole bottle PLUS the large stein of beer. Be careful about "Späting" this one up too.
I hope these simple hints have been useful for you and that next time when you go to your local wine shop you will be able to casually bandy about these terms with the wine merchant, demonstrating how you have graduated from "lay person" to "person" in the wine world!
Cheers! Or as they say in Swedish, skål. It just goes to show that you can put a lot of things over the 'a' in other languages. Be thankful that you speak English and don't need to worry about them.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ For you Japanese-speakers, it would be like trying to pronounce カ° .
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Global Warming Could Make You Drunk
It has always been my belief that global warming can be blamed for just about everything.
People more surly to you in the supermarket?
Global warming.
Economy class seats getting smaller?
No question about it – global warming.
And now, something I did not even suspect! It looks like global warming may be influencing the alcohol content of wine. In an earlier post, I discussed how food manufacturers really don't know what they are putting into their products, so I was concerned that the same was happening to wine.
As an everyday wino... er... connoisseur of wine, I was worried that more alcohol might be sneaking into my favorite vintages without the wine makers knowing about it. You will be relieved to know that this is not the case. Vintners know all about the increases in alcohol content but simply choose not to label it.
"Why," You ask?
A very good question indeed.
As it turns out, producers think that people drink wine in some sophisticated way that makes them not like to think about the alcohol content – the "body" and the "finish" are more important than the "high".
Can you believe THAT?!
I couldn't.
A Hard Hitting News Hound needs to get to the bottom of controversies like this and find out who these sophisticates are and what it is about wines that they pay attention to. I decided to do on-the-spot interviews of wine drinkers and get their direct opinions.
Interview 1:
HHNH: Excuse me, Sir... is that wine you are drinking there?
Wine Drinker: (pulling down brown paper bag to check label) Yesh... wantshum? Have a... hic... a... have a sheat.
HHNH: Um... don't you think we might be safer over there on the curb? Here... let me help you....
By the way, did you know that your wine's alcohol content might be higher than what is shown on the label?
WD: Huh? My Thunderbird?
HHNH: Yes. Global warming is increasing the alcohol content of wines and wine makers are not showing it on the label for fear of turning wine drinkers away.
WD: It shaysh right here... 18%. You mean it might be higher than that even?
HHNH: Yesh... I mean, yes. It could be as much as 19%. How does that make you feel?
WD: I guh... hic ... guess, I am OK with that. I get more bang for my buck, show to shpeak?
HHNH: It doesn't bother you? You don't feel betrayed by your sommelier?
WD: My what? You sure you don't want shum? Ish good and now even better.
HHNH: Well, maybe one swig for research purposes...
Interview 2:
HHNH: Hiya guys! Is that wine you're drinking up there?
Wine Drinker 1: Yup. Want some? Come on up! We always have a lot of stuff to drink around here.
Wine Drinker 2: Beta Theta Pi ROCKS!
WD1: Yeah!
Here... try this!
HHNH: Did you hear that global warming might be... hey, wait a minute... what IS this stuff?
WD1: It's our shpecial wine punch! We call it "BTP BOOM". It's fantash... fanta...fran... it's aweshum!
HHNH: Holy crap! What is IN here anyway?!
WD2: It's got wine... an'... an'... what else did you put in there, Jethro?
WD1: Lessee... there's the wine... an' the... PGA, an' the fruit juish.
HHNH: Wow. Are my eyes watering?
WD1: Yesh... don' worry. They will stop.
HHNH: Show you guys don' care about the increash in alcohol in the wine due to... due to... glo... global warming?
WD2: Wow, man... are you kidding?! No way! We Beta Theta Piers shay, the more the merrier!
Interview 3:
HHNH: Good evening, Father. Thank you for letting me come here to interview you.
Priest: You are most welcome, my son. What is wrong with your eyes? They are bright red and watering. Have you been crying? Perhaps you came for the solace of the confessional?
HHNH: Er... no. I just have a few questions to ask as a journalist.
Priest: What is it you wish to know?
HHNH: I was wondering if you were aware that global warming may be increasing the alcohol content of your sacramental wines and that the makers are not putting this information on the labels.
Priest: We follow strict Catholic doctrine about sacramental wines. It transubstantiates, you know.
HHNH: It what?
Priest: We believe in transubstantiation, that the bread and wine of the Holy Eucharist change into the body and blood of Christ.
HHNH: Um... Say what?
Priest: We believe that through the power of the Living God, when the items of the Eucharist are consecrated they change in their substance. The "look" may appear to be the same, but in fact they undergo the Holy Transubstantiation as said by Jesus at the Last Supper. For the bread, he said, "Take, eat: this is My Body, which is broken for you for the remission of sins."
And for the wine, "Drink of it, all of you: this is My Blood of the New Testament, which is shed for you and for many, for the remission of sins."
HHNH: So the wine actually changes to blood?
Priest: Yes, the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.
HHNH: Eww.
Priest: Eww?
HHNH: Never mind. Well... er... are you concerned that the alcohol content of the blood might be getting higher due to global warming?
Priest: Um... no, (paging through the General Instruction of the Roman Missal) Catholic doctrine does not say anything about the alcohol content so long as it is wine.
But wait...
I have noticed the choir boys have been a little more rosy of cheek lately; it might not be just from the spankings...
Excuse me... I need to check on something.
I also interviewed several of my friends, and not one of them, not ONE, is disturbed by this trend toward stronger wines. One even remarked, "Bring it on!" Clearly, labeling the wines accurately would not put any of them off at all.
So investigative journalism reveals that the wine makers' concern that they might turn off drinkers by labeling their bottles properly is clearly unfounded. I call on them to go ahead and let us know the actual alcohol content of their products. For as we all know "In vino veritas" and the other way around too.
People more surly to you in the supermarket?
Global warming.
Economy class seats getting smaller?
No question about it – global warming.
And now, something I did not even suspect! It looks like global warming may be influencing the alcohol content of wine. In an earlier post, I discussed how food manufacturers really don't know what they are putting into their products, so I was concerned that the same was happening to wine.
As an everyday wino... er... connoisseur of wine, I was worried that more alcohol might be sneaking into my favorite vintages without the wine makers knowing about it. You will be relieved to know that this is not the case. Vintners know all about the increases in alcohol content but simply choose not to label it.
"Why," You ask?
A very good question indeed.
As it turns out, producers think that people drink wine in some sophisticated way that makes them not like to think about the alcohol content – the "body" and the "finish" are more important than the "high".
Can you believe THAT?!
I couldn't.
A Hard Hitting News Hound needs to get to the bottom of controversies like this and find out who these sophisticates are and what it is about wines that they pay attention to. I decided to do on-the-spot interviews of wine drinkers and get their direct opinions.
Interview 1:
HHNH: Excuse me, Sir... is that wine you are drinking there?
Wine Drinker: (pulling down brown paper bag to check label) Yesh... wantshum? Have a... hic... a... have a sheat.
HHNH: Um... don't you think we might be safer over there on the curb? Here... let me help you....
By the way, did you know that your wine's alcohol content might be higher than what is shown on the label?
WD: Huh? My Thunderbird?
HHNH: Yes. Global warming is increasing the alcohol content of wines and wine makers are not showing it on the label for fear of turning wine drinkers away.
WD: It shaysh right here... 18%. You mean it might be higher than that even?
HHNH: Yesh... I mean, yes. It could be as much as 19%. How does that make you feel?
WD: I guh... hic ... guess, I am OK with that. I get more bang for my buck, show to shpeak?
HHNH: It doesn't bother you? You don't feel betrayed by your sommelier?
WD: My what? You sure you don't want shum? Ish good and now even better.
HHNH: Well, maybe one swig for research purposes...
Interview 2:
HHNH: Hiya guys! Is that wine you're drinking up there?
Wine Drinker 1: Yup. Want some? Come on up! We always have a lot of stuff to drink around here.
Wine Drinker 2: Beta Theta Pi ROCKS!
WD1: Yeah!
Here... try this!
HHNH: Did you hear that global warming might be... hey, wait a minute... what IS this stuff?
WD1: It's our shpecial wine punch! We call it "BTP BOOM". It's fantash... fanta...fran... it's aweshum!
HHNH: Holy crap! What is IN here anyway?!
WD2: It's got wine... an'... an'... what else did you put in there, Jethro?
WD1: Lessee... there's the wine... an' the... PGA, an' the fruit juish.
HHNH: Wow. Are my eyes watering?
WD1: Yesh... don' worry. They will stop.
HHNH: Show you guys don' care about the increash in alcohol in the wine due to... due to... glo... global warming?
WD2: Wow, man... are you kidding?! No way! We Beta Theta Piers shay, the more the merrier!
Interview 3:
HHNH: Good evening, Father. Thank you for letting me come here to interview you.
Priest: You are most welcome, my son. What is wrong with your eyes? They are bright red and watering. Have you been crying? Perhaps you came for the solace of the confessional?
HHNH: Er... no. I just have a few questions to ask as a journalist.
Priest: What is it you wish to know?
HHNH: I was wondering if you were aware that global warming may be increasing the alcohol content of your sacramental wines and that the makers are not putting this information on the labels.
Priest: We follow strict Catholic doctrine about sacramental wines. It transubstantiates, you know.
HHNH: It what?
Priest: We believe in transubstantiation, that the bread and wine of the Holy Eucharist change into the body and blood of Christ.
HHNH: Um... Say what?
Priest: We believe that through the power of the Living God, when the items of the Eucharist are consecrated they change in their substance. The "look" may appear to be the same, but in fact they undergo the Holy Transubstantiation as said by Jesus at the Last Supper. For the bread, he said, "Take, eat: this is My Body, which is broken for you for the remission of sins."
And for the wine, "Drink of it, all of you: this is My Blood of the New Testament, which is shed for you and for many, for the remission of sins."
HHNH: So the wine actually changes to blood?
Priest: Yes, the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.
HHNH: Eww.
Priest: Eww?
HHNH: Never mind. Well... er... are you concerned that the alcohol content of the blood might be getting higher due to global warming?
Priest: Um... no, (paging through the General Instruction of the Roman Missal) Catholic doctrine does not say anything about the alcohol content so long as it is wine.
But wait...
I have noticed the choir boys have been a little more rosy of cheek lately; it might not be just from the spankings...
Excuse me... I need to check on something.
I also interviewed several of my friends, and not one of them, not ONE, is disturbed by this trend toward stronger wines. One even remarked, "Bring it on!" Clearly, labeling the wines accurately would not put any of them off at all.
So investigative journalism reveals that the wine makers' concern that they might turn off drinkers by labeling their bottles properly is clearly unfounded. I call on them to go ahead and let us know the actual alcohol content of their products. For as we all know "In vino veritas" and the other way around too.
Monday, July 4, 2011
10 Weight-losing and Orgasmic Tips to Writing Advice-Essay Titles
One thing I have noticed, living in the USA is that everyone here is really into self-help. Magazine covers in the checkout line at the supermarket shout, "How to Get 20 lbs of Cellulite Off Your Butt In Ten Minutes!" and "10 Ways to Fit That Bikini by the 4th of July Weekend!" The internet too, is simply swimming with advice on how to make your life better. Check out how to pick up women on the airplane.
This one is even more pertinent in today's bad job market: how not to get fired. It's important to remember that the title is what counts. The content doesn't have to be incisive.
Tip number one for how not to get fired? Do your job.
Duh.
It's easy to write an advice essay; even you can do it at home in your spare time and make lots of money. But to get readers to pay attention, you need to have that eye-catcher!
So without further ado, let's look at how to create fantastic titles!
1. One key to a catchy column is to have a number. This makes it easy to follow and allows the reader to decide how much attention span is needed to read the whole thing. Round numbers are better, more approachable somehow.
"10 Ways to Eat All You Want and Not Look Like the Graf Zeppelin" is better than, say, "23 Ways to Find Out if You Have Irritable Bowel Syndrome".
2. Adding a celebrity's name to your title will also get attention. You have to tie the celebrity to your readers' realities though, so "Angelina's Brave Hints for Achieving Orgasm with Brad" will not have the broader appeal of "John Travolta's Struggle with Thigh Friction".
3. A surprising title is good too. You want to get people's attention. Stating the obvious in your title, no matter how round your numbers are, will not work in today's America. So "5 Steps to Getting Drunk" is not as good as "5 Ways to Get Drunk for Free".
4. People in the US are very concerned about their weight. The planet could be in mortal danger from an approaching asteroid, but Americans would still be buying magazines with articles entitled, "Get That Flat Abdomen by Next Summer". So it's a good idea to suggest a weight theme in your title: "How to Avoid Gangrene in an Economy Class Seat".
5. America is a "can do" nation, and nobody wants to hear that something is difficult, or even impossible. You need to make these things sound like a lark. Don't get too carried away with it, however. "How to Lose 150 lbs by Next Weekend" is simply over the top. Nobody will believe that such a thing is even remotely possible and will not read your article. A better title would be "New Weight Loss Miracle Will Get You Into that Bikini by Next Weekend". The magazines will literally fly off the shelves! "No Pain, No Gain" is a bad title for a popular article on exercising tips. Only the serious physical fitness buff wants to experience pain. Much better would be "Shed 10 lbs a Week in Only Two Minutes a Day". It's not necessary to reveal in the title that the 2 minutes a day are the only time you are allowed to eat.
6. Diets are hugely popular. There are new ones popping up literally every week, so you need to make yours sound unique and – most importantly – easy. Nobody wants to read "Lose Weight by Not Eating So Much You Fat Pig!" What they want is, "The Chocolate Cake Diet" or "The All You Can Eat Way to a Slimmer You".
7. Romance and relationships are right up there with dieting and weight loss in the advice articles. Again, being too obvious will limit your readership. "Why You Shouldn't Pick Your Feet on the First Date", for example, is too narrow and appeals only to a limited audience of really troubled people. It would be much better to expand your readership possibilities with "How Ugly, Fat Guys get the Gorgeous Women", or "How Losers Find Love". Your readers will feel superior right away but read your article just in case.
8. Making people worry about something that they didn't even know existed is also a good tactic. "How Your Large Intestine May be Holding You Back in Your Career", for example, would be a brilliant title for a self-help article. Causing suspicion is a correlative line to this theme: "What Your Doctor is Not Revealing to You about Your Ureter", or "Why Your Therapist Won't Tell You You're Hopeless".
9. Appealing to (if that is the proper expression) your readers' feelings of inadequacy or dread is a surefire way to be successful. For men: "Why You Will Always Fall Short in Bed" or for women: "Why Your Man will Stray". Sowing fear can be a successful approach as well, "How Your Shower can Cause Hemorrhagic Shock".
10. Finally, using the word "orgasm" will guarantee a large readership, "The Orgasmic Way to Cook Oatmeal", or "The Orgasmic Way to Weight Loss". The first would be a practical article for home keepers, while the second would have a broader appeal to millions of Americans.
So there you have it – 10 title writing tips to set you on your way to a great advice essay!
This one is even more pertinent in today's bad job market: how not to get fired. It's important to remember that the title is what counts. The content doesn't have to be incisive.
Tip number one for how not to get fired? Do your job.
Duh.
It's easy to write an advice essay; even you can do it at home in your spare time and make lots of money. But to get readers to pay attention, you need to have that eye-catcher!
So without further ado, let's look at how to create fantastic titles!
1. One key to a catchy column is to have a number. This makes it easy to follow and allows the reader to decide how much attention span is needed to read the whole thing. Round numbers are better, more approachable somehow.
"10 Ways to Eat All You Want and Not Look Like the Graf Zeppelin" is better than, say, "23 Ways to Find Out if You Have Irritable Bowel Syndrome".
2. Adding a celebrity's name to your title will also get attention. You have to tie the celebrity to your readers' realities though, so "Angelina's Brave Hints for Achieving Orgasm with Brad" will not have the broader appeal of "John Travolta's Struggle with Thigh Friction".
3. A surprising title is good too. You want to get people's attention. Stating the obvious in your title, no matter how round your numbers are, will not work in today's America. So "5 Steps to Getting Drunk" is not as good as "5 Ways to Get Drunk for Free".
4. People in the US are very concerned about their weight. The planet could be in mortal danger from an approaching asteroid, but Americans would still be buying magazines with articles entitled, "Get That Flat Abdomen by Next Summer". So it's a good idea to suggest a weight theme in your title: "How to Avoid Gangrene in an Economy Class Seat".
5. America is a "can do" nation, and nobody wants to hear that something is difficult, or even impossible. You need to make these things sound like a lark. Don't get too carried away with it, however. "How to Lose 150 lbs by Next Weekend" is simply over the top. Nobody will believe that such a thing is even remotely possible and will not read your article. A better title would be "New Weight Loss Miracle Will Get You Into that Bikini by Next Weekend". The magazines will literally fly off the shelves! "No Pain, No Gain" is a bad title for a popular article on exercising tips. Only the serious physical fitness buff wants to experience pain. Much better would be "Shed 10 lbs a Week in Only Two Minutes a Day". It's not necessary to reveal in the title that the 2 minutes a day are the only time you are allowed to eat.
6. Diets are hugely popular. There are new ones popping up literally every week, so you need to make yours sound unique and – most importantly – easy. Nobody wants to read "Lose Weight by Not Eating So Much You Fat Pig!" What they want is, "The Chocolate Cake Diet" or "The All You Can Eat Way to a Slimmer You".
7. Romance and relationships are right up there with dieting and weight loss in the advice articles. Again, being too obvious will limit your readership. "Why You Shouldn't Pick Your Feet on the First Date", for example, is too narrow and appeals only to a limited audience of really troubled people. It would be much better to expand your readership possibilities with "How Ugly, Fat Guys get the Gorgeous Women", or "How Losers Find Love". Your readers will feel superior right away but read your article just in case.
8. Making people worry about something that they didn't even know existed is also a good tactic. "How Your Large Intestine May be Holding You Back in Your Career", for example, would be a brilliant title for a self-help article. Causing suspicion is a correlative line to this theme: "What Your Doctor is Not Revealing to You about Your Ureter", or "Why Your Therapist Won't Tell You You're Hopeless".
9. Appealing to (if that is the proper expression) your readers' feelings of inadequacy or dread is a surefire way to be successful. For men: "Why You Will Always Fall Short in Bed" or for women: "Why Your Man will Stray". Sowing fear can be a successful approach as well, "How Your Shower can Cause Hemorrhagic Shock".
10. Finally, using the word "orgasm" will guarantee a large readership, "The Orgasmic Way to Cook Oatmeal", or "The Orgasmic Way to Weight Loss". The first would be a practical article for home keepers, while the second would have a broader appeal to millions of Americans.
So there you have it – 10 title writing tips to set you on your way to a great advice essay!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Mental Health Tips for Seniors
Today we are going to talk about health issues again, specifically senior forgetfulness. This is an inevitable aspect of aging, so it doesn't hurt to be alert to its development while you are still in control of most of your faculties.
We all have those "senior moments" when we go into the kitchen, open the refrigerator and stand there, wondering why the laundry detergent is in the fridge. Then we take it out and wander through the living room, finally noticing that we are carrying the laundry detergent around.
This can only mean one thing!
We had been planning to do the laundry!
So we head to the laundry room and open the washer and wonder why the cottage cheese is in the washer!
It's "silver moments" like these that make us realize we are getting old. There are steps you can take, however, to defer this aging of the mind, and this is where I come in with 10 helpful hints to sharpen your mind and prevent forgetfulness.
1. It's easy to be distracted as you age. We start a story and then get completely hung up on someone's name, or the name of a movie or something, when these have nothing to do with the story we are trying to tell.
Scenario:
Senior Moment Person: Oh! I saw this really cool movie that portrays EXACTLY what you were talking about, psychic healing! One of the actors is on death row and he has this special power to heal people by sort of sucking out their bad vibes? And the main actor who is a guard in the prison wants him to help save the warden's ill wife. So the main actor... what was his name? Tom something... no... Hank... Hank Cruise... no... that's not it... let's see... he was also in that other movie... and got the Academy Award? Something... Bump... or Trump...
And on and on until the listeners drift off to sleep or leave on vacation to Hawaii only to come back a week later to find the poor senior still trying to remember who was in the movie.
So... what was I talking about?
Oh! Right.
It's important not to be distracted.
So you need to develop some pneumatic devices to help you remember. No... not pneumatic... numismatic devices. These will trigger the important memory so that you can retrieve it when you want to. So what kind of numismatic devices are we talking about here?
Wait... it's not numismatic... that is coin collecting. It was pneumonic!
So anyway... you need to make some pneumonic devices that will help you recollect the important things. For example, let's say you need to remember someone's name. You are at a party at a colleague's house and you don't want to forget the name of the hostess. Her name is Susan Fudge. This could be difficult to remember, so you need to attach a pneumonic device to her name so that when you think of the pneumonic device it will trigger...
No wait... it isn't pneumonic! That is related to lungs and stuff, like pneumonia. What WAS that word?! It's something like pneumonic or numismatic, sort of in between those two. Now that I think of it, it might be closer to that word for stamp collectors. What was that word? Something like philanthropist... philthropirest... phlampesterist... Ok, I need to look it up on-line.
It's philatelist! I am glad we got that cleared up.
2. It's important not to talk continuously about the past. Granted, we older people don't have such a promising future, but nonetheless, nobody wants to hear us drone on and on about something that happened 50 years ago that we think is interesting but has nothing to do with the conversation going on around us in the here and now.
Nobody wants to hear anecdotes about how we smoked a lot of dope in the '60s but it didn't affect our memories AT ALL, and how we quit smoking and suffered no ill effects. Although... we DID know this one guy who smoked a lot of dope back then – I am talking like several times a day. Basically he was stoned all the time. And how his mind was pretty much fried even when he was in college. But now that I think about it, he did go on to get a job in the Defense Department as an instructor or something. No, not an instructor, he was working as a counselor for Defense Department employees or something like that. So it just goes to show....
3. Everyone has had the experience of "losing" something like the car keys or reading glasses, only to have them turn up in the most obvious places, like the freezer. The way to solve this problem is to religiously put these things in exactly the same place every time. Of course, trying to remember where THAT place is can be challenging at times. So you need to have a...
4. Mnemonic! That was the word! Mnemonic! Mnemonic devices!!
5. Don't shout out when you remember something you had forgotten in an earlier conversation.
"Forrest Gump! That was the name of the movie he was in.... Forrest Gump!"
Nobody around you will have even the vaguest idea what you are yelling about, and this might be the final thing that convinces them that you should be sent to the nursing home.
You DEFINITELY don't want to go there! The diapers there are cheap and all scratchy and stuff? They don't absorb ANYTHING – nothing like the nice, soft ones you can get in the supermarket.
Plus the food sucks!
6 ~ 10. There are many other useful tips for seniors that I could leave you with today, but this is running long and it's already time for my nap.
We all have those "senior moments" when we go into the kitchen, open the refrigerator and stand there, wondering why the laundry detergent is in the fridge. Then we take it out and wander through the living room, finally noticing that we are carrying the laundry detergent around.
This can only mean one thing!
We had been planning to do the laundry!
So we head to the laundry room and open the washer and wonder why the cottage cheese is in the washer!
It's "silver moments" like these that make us realize we are getting old. There are steps you can take, however, to defer this aging of the mind, and this is where I come in with 10 helpful hints to sharpen your mind and prevent forgetfulness.
1. It's easy to be distracted as you age. We start a story and then get completely hung up on someone's name, or the name of a movie or something, when these have nothing to do with the story we are trying to tell.
Scenario:
Senior Moment Person: Oh! I saw this really cool movie that portrays EXACTLY what you were talking about, psychic healing! One of the actors is on death row and he has this special power to heal people by sort of sucking out their bad vibes? And the main actor who is a guard in the prison wants him to help save the warden's ill wife. So the main actor... what was his name? Tom something... no... Hank... Hank Cruise... no... that's not it... let's see... he was also in that other movie... and got the Academy Award? Something... Bump... or Trump...
And on and on until the listeners drift off to sleep or leave on vacation to Hawaii only to come back a week later to find the poor senior still trying to remember who was in the movie.
So... what was I talking about?
Oh! Right.
It's important not to be distracted.
So you need to develop some pneumatic devices to help you remember. No... not pneumatic... numismatic devices. These will trigger the important memory so that you can retrieve it when you want to. So what kind of numismatic devices are we talking about here?
Wait... it's not numismatic... that is coin collecting. It was pneumonic!
So anyway... you need to make some pneumonic devices that will help you recollect the important things. For example, let's say you need to remember someone's name. You are at a party at a colleague's house and you don't want to forget the name of the hostess. Her name is Susan Fudge. This could be difficult to remember, so you need to attach a pneumonic device to her name so that when you think of the pneumonic device it will trigger...
No wait... it isn't pneumonic! That is related to lungs and stuff, like pneumonia. What WAS that word?! It's something like pneumonic or numismatic, sort of in between those two. Now that I think of it, it might be closer to that word for stamp collectors. What was that word? Something like philanthropist... philthropirest... phlampesterist... Ok, I need to look it up on-line.
It's philatelist! I am glad we got that cleared up.
2. It's important not to talk continuously about the past. Granted, we older people don't have such a promising future, but nonetheless, nobody wants to hear us drone on and on about something that happened 50 years ago that we think is interesting but has nothing to do with the conversation going on around us in the here and now.
Nobody wants to hear anecdotes about how we smoked a lot of dope in the '60s but it didn't affect our memories AT ALL, and how we quit smoking and suffered no ill effects. Although... we DID know this one guy who smoked a lot of dope back then – I am talking like several times a day. Basically he was stoned all the time. And how his mind was pretty much fried even when he was in college. But now that I think about it, he did go on to get a job in the Defense Department as an instructor or something. No, not an instructor, he was working as a counselor for Defense Department employees or something like that. So it just goes to show....
3. Everyone has had the experience of "losing" something like the car keys or reading glasses, only to have them turn up in the most obvious places, like the freezer. The way to solve this problem is to religiously put these things in exactly the same place every time. Of course, trying to remember where THAT place is can be challenging at times. So you need to have a...
4. Mnemonic! That was the word! Mnemonic! Mnemonic devices!!
5. Don't shout out when you remember something you had forgotten in an earlier conversation.
"Forrest Gump! That was the name of the movie he was in.... Forrest Gump!"
Nobody around you will have even the vaguest idea what you are yelling about, and this might be the final thing that convinces them that you should be sent to the nursing home.
You DEFINITELY don't want to go there! The diapers there are cheap and all scratchy and stuff? They don't absorb ANYTHING – nothing like the nice, soft ones you can get in the supermarket.
Plus the food sucks!
6 ~ 10. There are many other useful tips for seniors that I could leave you with today, but this is running long and it's already time for my nap.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Thank Intelligent Design for Republicans
Donald Trump is fading from the Republican Presidential race, proving once again that like with Kim Jong Il bad hair will take you only so far. Fortunately for us, however, the Republicans have more than one joker up their sleeves.
Here comes Michele Bachmann!
Candidate Michele Bachmann has come out in support of teaching "intelligent design" in the nation's schools, saying, "What I support is putting all science on the table and then letting students decide. I don't think it's a good idea for government to come down on one side of (a) scientific issue or another, when there is reasonable doubt on both sides."
I don't even know where to start with this.
The "reasonable doubt on both sides" part?
How about "putting all the science on the table"?
Yes, let's do that! Our children need exposure to all the science, so they can make up their minds as to which is more persuasive.
Take voodoo for example.
There is no question that teaching of voodoo science has been completely ignored in our youngsters' education! How will they be able to decide which is more convincing if they don't get "all the science on the table"? And why is the government limiting discussion of this important scientific knowledge?
But when talking science, what could be more scientific than Scientology, especially when major celebrities and movie stars believe it?
And what exactly do they believe?
Scientology claims that there was an alien ruler called Xenu and that 75 million years ago (to us non-scientists, the late Cretaceous Period) Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 jetliners, piled the people around volcanoes and set off hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes. Their spirits, called "thetans", survived the blasts and inhabit the living even today! (CAUTION: Despite scientific similarities, this is not tied to the voodoo belief in zombies.)
Yes, YOU have a thetan inside you, even as you read this!
The Scientologists claim that their science can help you "resolve" the issues you have with your inner thetan through diuretics. No... sorry... that is for something else... It's dianetics. Like diuretics, however, dianetics will help you "clear" yourself and bring you to a higher state of equilibrium.
Can you believe that this important science is not being taught in our classrooms today? Michele Bachmann wants intelligent design to be presented to our children side-by-side with Scientific Revolution science, but the theory of intelligent design is so clearly moronic, we should not pollute our youngsters' minds with it. Intelligent designers believe that some intelligent force "guided evolution" and created the complexity of life today.
Intelligent? Ha!
Never mind obvious engineering failures, such as humans breathing and eating through the same orifice, causing thousands of choking deaths each year; I have two irrefutable arguments against this theory.
Hey, guys! Show us your chests! See those nipples? One, two!
I rest my case.
No, we need Scientology taught side-by-side with traditional science. If John Travolta and Tom Cruise believe it, can it possibly be wrong?!
- - - - - - - - -
Pterosaurish note: I almost couldn't think of anything to write this week and was planning to fall back on ever-funny North Korea, but once again the Republican Party came to my rescue! I want to thank the Intelligent Designer for coming up with Republicans.
Here comes Michele Bachmann!
Candidate Michele Bachmann has come out in support of teaching "intelligent design" in the nation's schools, saying, "What I support is putting all science on the table and then letting students decide. I don't think it's a good idea for government to come down on one side of (a) scientific issue or another, when there is reasonable doubt on both sides."
I don't even know where to start with this.
The "reasonable doubt on both sides" part?
How about "putting all the science on the table"?
Yes, let's do that! Our children need exposure to all the science, so they can make up their minds as to which is more persuasive.
Take voodoo for example.
There is no question that teaching of voodoo science has been completely ignored in our youngsters' education! How will they be able to decide which is more convincing if they don't get "all the science on the table"? And why is the government limiting discussion of this important scientific knowledge?
But when talking science, what could be more scientific than Scientology, especially when major celebrities and movie stars believe it?
And what exactly do they believe?
Scientology claims that there was an alien ruler called Xenu and that 75 million years ago (to us non-scientists, the late Cretaceous Period) Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 jetliners, piled the people around volcanoes and set off hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes. Their spirits, called "thetans", survived the blasts and inhabit the living even today! (CAUTION: Despite scientific similarities, this is not tied to the voodoo belief in zombies.)
Yes, YOU have a thetan inside you, even as you read this!
The Scientologists claim that their science can help you "resolve" the issues you have with your inner thetan through diuretics. No... sorry... that is for something else... It's dianetics. Like diuretics, however, dianetics will help you "clear" yourself and bring you to a higher state of equilibrium.
Can you believe that this important science is not being taught in our classrooms today? Michele Bachmann wants intelligent design to be presented to our children side-by-side with Scientific Revolution science, but the theory of intelligent design is so clearly moronic, we should not pollute our youngsters' minds with it. Intelligent designers believe that some intelligent force "guided evolution" and created the complexity of life today.
Intelligent? Ha!
Never mind obvious engineering failures, such as humans breathing and eating through the same orifice, causing thousands of choking deaths each year; I have two irrefutable arguments against this theory.
Hey, guys! Show us your chests! See those nipples? One, two!
I rest my case.
No, we need Scientology taught side-by-side with traditional science. If John Travolta and Tom Cruise believe it, can it possibly be wrong?!
- - - - - - - - -
Pterosaurish note: I almost couldn't think of anything to write this week and was planning to fall back on ever-funny North Korea, but once again the Republican Party came to my rescue! I want to thank the Intelligent Designer for coming up with Republicans.
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