In an earlier pixelation, I described how the yakuza, Japan's mafia, has been getting involved in the marriage racket. I attributed this unexpected development to the loss of income from traditional criminal activities, because of the weakening of the overall economy.
Since then, thanks to a concerned reader's response, I have learned that I was mislead. The reason the yakuza are doing so poorly these days is because of competition!
That's correct. There is a powerful organization out there which is trying to usurp the traditional role of the yakuza in Japanese society. That organization is the National Police Agency (NPA). The NPA has been encroaching on traditional sources of yakuza income such as pachinko (pinball gambling) while at the same time, working to keep their other sources of revenue under control. The poor yakuza members are pushed to the periphery, having to work in nuclear plant cleanup operations and other dangerous occupations.
I needed to find out what the plan was behind this move on the part of the NPA into the underworld, so I arranged an interview with Assistant Vice-Director of Vice Control Lieutenant Wairo.
Lt. Wairo: (sporting a short, curly hair-style and sunglasses) Come in and have a seat. What can I do for you?
Pterosaurish: Thank you. I would like to interview you about the NPA's involvement in traditional gang-related activities.
Lt. Wairo: Sure! (leaning back in his chair) What would you like to know.
P: Well.. what is the crime-fighting policy behind this?
Lt. Wairo: Well... as you know we have been cracking down on organized crime now for several hundred years! Our policy has been one of zero tolerance!
P: But what about the pachinko parlors and soapland or hostess-club prostitution that pretty much operate openly around the country?
Lt. Wairo: Oh that! Of course they function openly! If we suppressed them, they would only go underground and we wouldn't be able to see what was going on.
P: But I have read that the NPA's members are involved in receiving money from pachinko gambling and from other organized crime actitivities.
Lt. Wairo: Naturally! This is part of our new strategy, don't you see? In the old days we relied on simple suppression of gangland operations, but now we are doing things smarter! If WE can get the money from these illegal activities, that is less money that flows into the coffers of organized crime! Similarly, we try to get retired NPA officials into top positions in gambling and other similar organizations so that we can deprive organized criminals of this control! This enables us to really push them to the edges, to the fringe work in society like cleaning up the mess at the damaged nuclear power plants or hauling garbage and so on.
P: So in effect, the NPA has taken on the role of another big gang?
Lt. Wairo: Ha ha ha! Not only BIG! We are far and away the biggest! All of the OTHER criminal organizations... No, I mean... if you add all the members of criminal organizations in Japan together, it only comes to 102,400 members! We have 280,500 police officers all across the country! Each is ready to take on serious responsibilities in our efforts to displace organized crime in our society.
P: I see. So what is the NPA's final goal in dealing with organized crime?
Lt. Wairo: We understand that organized crime has a traditional role in Japanese society, and we don't want to change that. We would like the gangsters to stick to running the food booths at festivals and getting their elaborate tattoos, simple harmless operations, and leave the hard-core stuff to us.
P: And this will bring a more peaceful society?
Lt. Wairo: You understand perfectly. If we at the NPA run all of the so called criminal activities, many benefits will accrue to the nation. Taxes will be paid properly, NPA officials will have something to do after they retire, and the average citizen will know that they don't have to worry about dangerous gangsters anymore!
P: Thank you so much for you time today.
Lt. Wairo: Absolutely a pleasure! Here, let me give you this ad for the new soapland that opened up around the corner; no gangsters there at all!
P: Er... thank you, but I have to be getting back.
Lt. Wairo: No problem! Let me know if you have any other questions!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Confusion in the Ranks 2012
It's time ONCE AGAIN to look in on the Presidential election campaign in the United States.
In my last couple of related posts, we considered how the call from God – that many of the candidates claimed – affected their performance in the primaries and caucuses.
Clearly with the leader-board changing so often, we have to realize that the process is much more complex than can be explained by calls from God or Mormon underwear.
My favorite candidate, Donald Trump (what's not to like about him, eh?!), whom I endorsed many months ago, has not only dropped out of the race but has come out in favor of another candidate, Mitt Romney.
The Donald... how could you DO this to me!
THAT blindsided me!
I was sure he would endorse Newt, or Ron Paul (why does he have two first names?), or even Goofy, but no ... it's Mitt.
Now as we all know, Mitt is a Mormon and is alleged to wear the religious underwear of the devout. Of course, it's possible to make too much of this and be accused of religious bias (heaven forbid). After all, Jews wear the yarmulke, Sikh men wear the turban, and the Pope wears a large, stylized mussel on his head. Why Mormons didn't stick to some sort of headgear is difficult to say, but the underwear goes a long way towards making them special.
Special as it may be, Jon Huntsman is also a Mormon, but his underwear did not protect him from the disdain of the Tea Partiers and the Evangelicals in Republican ranks – the ones who set the bottom lines for the campaign. Uncommonly brave, Huntsman actually came out and said, “I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy.” Which in a way proved that he was, since only a crazy person would say something like that to Republicans this year. Speaking a foreign language didn't help.
The Republican race is a roller coaster ride though, full of ups and downs. Newt Gingrich (Slogan: Let me show the Mormons how to do polygamy!) claimed as late as December that he couldn't see how he wouldn't be the nominee. Alas, his vision was a little undernourished and the Michelin Man candidate has been on a serious delegate diet since South Carolina.
Then Mitt took off in Florida only to crater out in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado where Santorum soared!
Santorum has serious cred with the conservative "Christians*" of the Republican right, coming out as he does for teaching creation science in the schools. Also boosting his appeal, he equates being gay with bestiality and opposes unregulated consensual sex. Clearly, unlike with Jon Huntsman, the Bottom Liners of the Republican party are not going to call HIM crazy! No way!
Next up is the excitement of the Michigan primary and – down the line – Super Tuesday.
It's called that because you get an extra order of fries AND a jumbo serving of whatever is on the Republican menu on Tuesday! How can that be bad? As we all know, the Republicans like a good meal (no socialist health insurance to cover that health issue, of course)!
Because of the Tea Partiers and the Evangelicals, each candidate is forced to prove how conservative he is, so we have been witness to a kind of one-upmanship among the contenders.
On science?
"You believe in intelligent design? Oh yeah? Well! I believe in creationism!
"Creationism? Ha! I believe that the world is flat!"
"Flat?! What a liberal! I believe the sun orbits around the earth! So there!"
On women?
"I think women should not be getting birth control pills; it encourages a deviant lifestyle!"
"Ha! Is THAT all?! I also think a woman should stay at home, submitting to a man as her leader!"
"Pathetic! You guys are left of Castro! I believe a woman should stay at home and wear a burka AND hold an aspirin between her knees for birth control!"
One of them will be the nominee! Stay tuned.
- - - - - - - - - -
*They are Old Testamentarians, not Christians. It's similar to the Reagan phenomenon; they hearken back to his "glory days" but heaven forbid he were actually here! No way could Reagan be a candidate today (he raised taxes) and no way would Jesus tolerate right-wing Republicans.
In my last couple of related posts, we considered how the call from God – that many of the candidates claimed – affected their performance in the primaries and caucuses.
Clearly with the leader-board changing so often, we have to realize that the process is much more complex than can be explained by calls from God or Mormon underwear.
My favorite candidate, Donald Trump (what's not to like about him, eh?!), whom I endorsed many months ago, has not only dropped out of the race but has come out in favor of another candidate, Mitt Romney.
The Donald... how could you DO this to me!
THAT blindsided me!
I was sure he would endorse Newt, or Ron Paul (why does he have two first names?), or even Goofy, but no ... it's Mitt.
Now as we all know, Mitt is a Mormon and is alleged to wear the religious underwear of the devout. Of course, it's possible to make too much of this and be accused of religious bias (heaven forbid). After all, Jews wear the yarmulke, Sikh men wear the turban, and the Pope wears a large, stylized mussel on his head. Why Mormons didn't stick to some sort of headgear is difficult to say, but the underwear goes a long way towards making them special.
Special as it may be, Jon Huntsman is also a Mormon, but his underwear did not protect him from the disdain of the Tea Partiers and the Evangelicals in Republican ranks – the ones who set the bottom lines for the campaign. Uncommonly brave, Huntsman actually came out and said, “I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy.” Which in a way proved that he was, since only a crazy person would say something like that to Republicans this year. Speaking a foreign language didn't help.
The Republican race is a roller coaster ride though, full of ups and downs. Newt Gingrich (Slogan: Let me show the Mormons how to do polygamy!) claimed as late as December that he couldn't see how he wouldn't be the nominee. Alas, his vision was a little undernourished and the Michelin Man candidate has been on a serious delegate diet since South Carolina.
Then Mitt took off in Florida only to crater out in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado where Santorum soared!
Santorum has serious cred with the conservative "Christians*" of the Republican right, coming out as he does for teaching creation science in the schools. Also boosting his appeal, he equates being gay with bestiality and opposes unregulated consensual sex. Clearly, unlike with Jon Huntsman, the Bottom Liners of the Republican party are not going to call HIM crazy! No way!
Next up is the excitement of the Michigan primary and – down the line – Super Tuesday.
It's called that because you get an extra order of fries AND a jumbo serving of whatever is on the Republican menu on Tuesday! How can that be bad? As we all know, the Republicans like a good meal (no socialist health insurance to cover that health issue, of course)!
Because of the Tea Partiers and the Evangelicals, each candidate is forced to prove how conservative he is, so we have been witness to a kind of one-upmanship among the contenders.
On science?
"You believe in intelligent design? Oh yeah? Well! I believe in creationism!
"Creationism? Ha! I believe that the world is flat!"
"Flat?! What a liberal! I believe the sun orbits around the earth! So there!"
On women?
"I think women should not be getting birth control pills; it encourages a deviant lifestyle!"
"Ha! Is THAT all?! I also think a woman should stay at home, submitting to a man as her leader!"
"Pathetic! You guys are left of Castro! I believe a woman should stay at home and wear a burka AND hold an aspirin between her knees for birth control!"
One of them will be the nominee! Stay tuned.
- - - - - - - - - -
*They are Old Testamentarians, not Christians. It's similar to the Reagan phenomenon; they hearken back to his "glory days" but heaven forbid he were actually here! No way could Reagan be a candidate today (he raised taxes) and no way would Jesus tolerate right-wing Republicans.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Are Men Large Trash?!
In Japan, many Japanese wives refer to their husbands as SODAI GOMI, or large trash items. Also in an earlier post, I commented on all the articles that have been appearing lately about whether men are really needed or not. In in defense of men, I think I wrote a pretty convincing letter to women everywhere, persuading them that not only are men necessary, but that – like cats – we can even be an asset under the proper circumstances!
Since then, however, I have reluctantly arrived at a different conclusion; we may be what women make of us.
There is growing evidence that the female of the species shapes the males around her. Female frogs, for example, seem to regulate the sound and look of the male frogs that chase after them. In a nutshell, the research appears to show that male calls, "made up of a longer 'whine' followed by one or more short 'chucks'", are controlled by the females. How? The females prefer more chucks than whine (where have we heard THAT before?!), and predatory bats also home in on the whiny crowd, so gradually the "more attractive" chucky group prevails. The males provide more chuck and less whine!
Which brings us to the pressing question, "Why do we call men, named Charles, Chuck?"
No. That was not the question.
In fact, it is not time for the question yet. We need more evidence.
So, consider this.
In a study on moose mating behavior in Alaska, researchers found that the females (called "cows") actually encourage males to fight over them. They obviously want only the best males (called "bulls") to "hang out" with, so they keep less capable males away by "moaning".*
The female moose also employs these moans when "approached" by even a strong bull to encourage others to challenge him for "make out" rights!
"You look good to me, hon, but let's see if you can handle just one more fight, OK?"
Males who fail to win a mate early in the competition often die of starvation in the winter, because they have spent the eating season beating up on each other on account of the female moaning.
"Well!" You say, "Frogs and moose! What does that have to do with me and hubby-poo whom I love dearly!
Well, how about this? In many households, women are the predominant cooks. And from time immemorial it has been thought that what they cook can also control their man's behavior. In Cornish tradition, for example, a man who eats roasted owl will be a slave to his wife's every desire.
Scenario
Man: (looking suspiciously at the roast) Looks good, Dear!! Yum yum! Cornish game hen? (he asks hopefully)
Woman: Yes, Sweetie! Eat it all up!
We males are clearly alert to what females are up to and unquestionably shape our lives around them in many ways. Apparently we can actually even hear their menstrual cycles! So it doesn't come as any surprise then to read that men lose their thinking ability more quickly than women do. Why would they want us thinking too much?
It's all part of a plot! First declare men to be unnecessary. Next, make us lose our thinking ability. And finally let us die off early. All so you women can enjoy your lives without us around to bother you and make demands.
Apparently writing letters is not convincing enough to delay these tactics. Maybe if we learned to chuck more and whine less our situation would improve?
- - - - - - - - - -
*In my personal experience, I have heard human females do this too. They rolled their eyes and moaned, "Omg... not HIM again!" It definitely kept me away.
Since then, however, I have reluctantly arrived at a different conclusion; we may be what women make of us.
There is growing evidence that the female of the species shapes the males around her. Female frogs, for example, seem to regulate the sound and look of the male frogs that chase after them. In a nutshell, the research appears to show that male calls, "made up of a longer 'whine' followed by one or more short 'chucks'", are controlled by the females. How? The females prefer more chucks than whine (where have we heard THAT before?!), and predatory bats also home in on the whiny crowd, so gradually the "more attractive" chucky group prevails. The males provide more chuck and less whine!
Which brings us to the pressing question, "Why do we call men, named Charles, Chuck?"
No. That was not the question.
In fact, it is not time for the question yet. We need more evidence.
So, consider this.
In a study on moose mating behavior in Alaska, researchers found that the females (called "cows") actually encourage males to fight over them. They obviously want only the best males (called "bulls") to "hang out" with, so they keep less capable males away by "moaning".*
The female moose also employs these moans when "approached" by even a strong bull to encourage others to challenge him for "make out" rights!
"You look good to me, hon, but let's see if you can handle just one more fight, OK?"
Males who fail to win a mate early in the competition often die of starvation in the winter, because they have spent the eating season beating up on each other on account of the female moaning.
"Well!" You say, "Frogs and moose! What does that have to do with me and hubby-poo whom I love dearly!
Well, how about this? In many households, women are the predominant cooks. And from time immemorial it has been thought that what they cook can also control their man's behavior. In Cornish tradition, for example, a man who eats roasted owl will be a slave to his wife's every desire.
Scenario
Man: (looking suspiciously at the roast) Looks good, Dear!! Yum yum! Cornish game hen? (he asks hopefully)
Woman: Yes, Sweetie! Eat it all up!
We males are clearly alert to what females are up to and unquestionably shape our lives around them in many ways. Apparently we can actually even hear their menstrual cycles! So it doesn't come as any surprise then to read that men lose their thinking ability more quickly than women do. Why would they want us thinking too much?
It's all part of a plot! First declare men to be unnecessary. Next, make us lose our thinking ability. And finally let us die off early. All so you women can enjoy your lives without us around to bother you and make demands.
Apparently writing letters is not convincing enough to delay these tactics. Maybe if we learned to chuck more and whine less our situation would improve?
- - - - - - - - - -
*In my personal experience, I have heard human females do this too. They rolled their eyes and moaned, "Omg... not HIM again!" It definitely kept me away.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Get Warm or Die!
There has been a modest discussion going on (in Facebook amongst people living in Japan) about the various problems with heating systems in Japan and the general lack of insulation in houses – even in the snowy climes of Japan's back country, Niigata.
To get to the bottom of this issue, Pterosaurish went to the store to look into what modern heating conveniences were on sale this year!
Store Scenario
Salesman: May I help you, sir?
Pt (me): Yes, I am looking for a room heater... what is good this year?
Salesman: Well, because of the nuclear power plant problem and shortage of electricity, we are not recommending electrical air conditioners like we have been over the past 5 years or so.
Pt: What do you recommend instead?
Salesman: Come over here and let me show you. (He leads me to some impressive looking machines) These run on kerosene and are very efficient. You can have the fuel tank put outside your house and ask a kerosene supplier to tank it up for you on a contract basis. You don't need to worry about anything then.
Pt: Wow... they look nice, but the prices! Those cost over 100,000 yen (about $1250)! And that doesn't include the tank for the fuel, does it?
Salesman: (squinting at me as if he has suddenly gotten my "measure") Oh... I see... well, then. Have a look at these. These also run on kerosene, but you have to fill the internal tank yourself. (He pats one of them lovingly)
Pt: Wow... these are only 25,000 yen (about $300). Is the only difference that I would have to refuel it myself?
Salesman: Oh no. Those over there are what we call "clean heaters" while these we call "fan heaters".
Pt: That's a big difference.
Salesman: Ha! Ha! You are SO funny.
Let me explain how they are different. (He begins explaining as if talking to a 4-year old) The clean heaters need to be installed in one position, while the fan heaters can be placed anywhere in the room.
Pt: Hmm... sounds like the fan heater would be more practical. Why is it so much cheaper?
Salesman: Well, one reason is that the clean heaters need to be installed.
Pt: What do you mean?
Salesman: Well... a hole needs to be drilled in the wall for the air and exhaust duct to extend outside. It draws its combustion air through this pipe and also passes exhaust gases outside. That's why it's called a "clean heater".
Pt: (getting a bad feeling) Then what about the air and exhaust of the fan heaters?
Salesman: The fan heaters draw their combustion air from the room and vent exhaust into the living space as well.
Pt: You mean they pump carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide etc. directly into the room?!
Salesman: (laughing) Ha ha ha! I can see by your face that you are concerned. There is no need to worry! Each fan heater comes with a prominent sticker on top, explaining that you need to open the windows to ventilate once or twice an hour.
Pt: Let me get this straight... the fan heater pumps exhaust gases into the room as it heats the living space....
Salesman: (cheerfully) Correct!
Pt: And then just as the room is warming up, you are supposed to go and open a window to ventilate out the dangerous gases....
Salesman: (even more cheerfully) Yes! That's how it works!
Pt: So.. like... what if you fall asleep (or are overcome by poisonous fumes) because it is SO warm and cozy with the new heater..
Salesman: . . . . . . .
Pt: ...and what if you don't open the windows and let all the heat out?
Salesman: Well... as this other sticker on the back warns, you could be overcome by the gases.
Pt: And what...?
Salesman: (not so cheerfully) And ... well... die.
Pt: Do you sell these on credit?
Salesman: (cheerfully again) Of course! We accept all major credit cards! Do you want to buy this one now?
Pt: No, I was just wondering if these were a good credit risk. Thank you for your help.
Salesman: No problem! Please come back again when you decide which one to buy!
To get to the bottom of this issue, Pterosaurish went to the store to look into what modern heating conveniences were on sale this year!
Store Scenario
Salesman: May I help you, sir?
Pt (me): Yes, I am looking for a room heater... what is good this year?
Salesman: Well, because of the nuclear power plant problem and shortage of electricity, we are not recommending electrical air conditioners like we have been over the past 5 years or so.
Pt: What do you recommend instead?
Salesman: Come over here and let me show you. (He leads me to some impressive looking machines) These run on kerosene and are very efficient. You can have the fuel tank put outside your house and ask a kerosene supplier to tank it up for you on a contract basis. You don't need to worry about anything then.
Pt: Wow... they look nice, but the prices! Those cost over 100,000 yen (about $1250)! And that doesn't include the tank for the fuel, does it?
Salesman: (squinting at me as if he has suddenly gotten my "measure") Oh... I see... well, then. Have a look at these. These also run on kerosene, but you have to fill the internal tank yourself. (He pats one of them lovingly)
Pt: Wow... these are only 25,000 yen (about $300). Is the only difference that I would have to refuel it myself?
Salesman: Oh no. Those over there are what we call "clean heaters" while these we call "fan heaters".
Pt: That's a big difference.
Salesman: Ha! Ha! You are SO funny.
Let me explain how they are different. (He begins explaining as if talking to a 4-year old) The clean heaters need to be installed in one position, while the fan heaters can be placed anywhere in the room.
Pt: Hmm... sounds like the fan heater would be more practical. Why is it so much cheaper?
Salesman: Well, one reason is that the clean heaters need to be installed.
Pt: What do you mean?
Salesman: Well... a hole needs to be drilled in the wall for the air and exhaust duct to extend outside. It draws its combustion air through this pipe and also passes exhaust gases outside. That's why it's called a "clean heater".
Pt: (getting a bad feeling) Then what about the air and exhaust of the fan heaters?
Salesman: The fan heaters draw their combustion air from the room and vent exhaust into the living space as well.
Pt: You mean they pump carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide etc. directly into the room?!
Salesman: (laughing) Ha ha ha! I can see by your face that you are concerned. There is no need to worry! Each fan heater comes with a prominent sticker on top, explaining that you need to open the windows to ventilate once or twice an hour.
Pt: Let me get this straight... the fan heater pumps exhaust gases into the room as it heats the living space....
Salesman: (cheerfully) Correct!
Pt: And then just as the room is warming up, you are supposed to go and open a window to ventilate out the dangerous gases....
Salesman: (even more cheerfully) Yes! That's how it works!
Pt: So.. like... what if you fall asleep (or are overcome by poisonous fumes) because it is SO warm and cozy with the new heater..
Salesman: . . . . . . .
Pt: ...and what if you don't open the windows and let all the heat out?
Salesman: Well... as this other sticker on the back warns, you could be overcome by the gases.
Pt: And what...?
Salesman: (not so cheerfully) And ... well... die.
Pt: Do you sell these on credit?
Salesman: (cheerfully again) Of course! We accept all major credit cards! Do you want to buy this one now?
Pt: No, I was just wondering if these were a good credit risk. Thank you for your help.
Salesman: No problem! Please come back again when you decide which one to buy!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Ganging Up on Marriage
As I have pixelated here before, Japanese gangs are a unique phenomenon. The Japanese Police Agency designates certain groups as "gangs" thereby enabling them to "control" gang activity.
How does this work in actual practice?
Let's look at a typical police and gang-member confrontation.
Scenario 1:
Officer Majime: Hey! You! What are you doing over there assaulting that store owner?!
Gangster: He owes me protection money.
Officer Majime: Wait a minute here! Aren't you a member of a gang?
Gangster: Yeah. I am in the Aku-eikyō Group.
Officer Majime (consulting his list of designated gangs): Hmm... your gang is not on the designated list.
Gangster: Damn...
Office Majime: Carry on.
Contrast that with this scenario which turns out so very differently.
Scenario 2:
Office Majime: Hey! You! What are you doing over there assaulting that store owner?!
Gangster: He owes me protection money.
Officer Majime: Wait a minute here! Aren't you a member of a gang?
Gangster: Yeah. I am in the Sumiyoshi Organization.
Officer Majime (consulting his list of designated gangs): Hmm... your gang is here on the designated list, number 3. (looks at gangster with raised eyebrows)
Gangster: Damn...
Office Majime: Carry on.
Like the rest of the nation, however, gangs have fallen on hard times. With natural disasters and the rising yen, the economy is struggling to keep its head above water, and as a result, popular sources of gang income have slumped. Your average salary man can't afford the weekly visit to the local "soapland" for his "massage", and the truckers, hard pressed to find stuff to truck, don't need the stimulants as much as they used to either.
What's a gang to do?
Sell marriage of course.
Boring Background Information
One problem that grips Japan today is the "oldest son problem". If you are the oldest son (or only son), especially if you live in a rural area, it is almost impossible to get married.
Why?
An oldest son is responsible for the care of his parents. What this means is that while the son goes off to his job everyday, his wife remains at home, having to take care of his aging parents (think diaper-changing and hand feeding... that's what SHE is thinking).
Inexplicably, young women would rather do anything: marry a second or third son, marry (gasp) a foreigner, even not get married at all, or emigrate to Zimbabwe than marry the oldest son.
Poor oldest son.
This is where the gangs come in. They have jumped into the new business called "Konkatsu" or "Marriage Hunting". But, typically, they provide a special twist. Not only will they find you a bride, but they will actually hook you up with someone really special!
Scenario 3:
Kimyō Dasai (oldest son): So... if... if I pay the enrollment fee of 100,000 yen (about $1250), you will hel... help me find a wife?
Gangster: Oh, yes! Not only that, you get to choose! See these pictures" (shows album of cute, young women). Which one would you like?
Dasai: (wiping the drool) Y...you... you mean, I get to choose one of THOSE?! (his pupils dilate seriously)... oh my....
Gangster: Sure! You can pick the one you think would be best for you. (pointing to one of them) Isn't that the sexiest woman you have seen in your WHOLE LIFE?!
But before we get too involved here, let me explain how it works.
You pay an enrollment fee to gain access to our bank of potential partners. Then, depending on which one and how many you wish to meet, you pay separate meeting fees.
Dasai: How much would it cost, for example, if I wanted to meet her (points to one of the cuties).
Gangster: Well... let's see... (pulls out a calculator). There is the initial enrollment fee of 100,000 yen. Then the meeting fee. For her it would be an additional 100,000 yen... she's one of the cutest; if you wanted to meet someone more your age, the price would be much less... heh heh heh.
Dasai: No ... I want to meet her.
Gangster: OK then, so the transportation fee would be 50,000 yen and naturally my handling fees and service charges, another 50,000 yen. Sales tax is an unavoidable 5%, so that tacks on 15,000 yen. So to meet up with her and potentially have her as your bride (nudge nudge), you only need to pay a total of 315,000 yen!
Dasai: That's not so bad if she'll marry me. You say that it's almost guaranteed that she will?
Gangster: Just leave it to us! I am sure that when she sees you, she will fall madly in love and want to move in with you out here in the boonies... er... romantic countryside!
Maybe you could comb some side hair over that bald spot on top? And do you HAVE to wear rubber boots?
Scenario 4:
(later)
Gangster: So, how did the date go, Mr. Dasai?
Dasai: She... she didn't seem to like me at all. Sh... she kept looking at her watch and drank her ice... her iced tea in about two minutes.
Gangster: Nonsense! She is just being coy!
Dasai: She went to the toe... the toi.. the restroom three times and spent a long time in there.
Gangster: She probably wanted to fix her makeup to look good for you!
Dasai: And at the table she kept texting on her cell... her cellphone....
Gangster: Don't be silly. I am sure she was just checking her horoscope or something on her phone, wondering if she was compatible with you or not!
Dasai: ... I don't think she even... even looked at me one time!
Gangster: She was just being shy! You need to meet her again. "Show her the town" a bit. Step out! Do something exciting! She's young and wants some fun in her life! Think back to when you were young; what sorts of fun things did you do?
Dasai: We had to har... harvest the rice. Do you think she would like that? It can get pretty exciting...when the girls are all b... ben... bending over like that... (loses eye focus, remembering)
Gangster: No! No ... forget the rice harvesting! How about taking her to a nice restaurant?
Dasai: We don't have any nice restaurants here, but I sup... suppose I could take her to Auntie Spew's Diner down the road there.... she will love the pick... the pickled squid.
Gangster: That would be perfect. So all you need to do is pay another meeting fee, and I will set everything up for you.
Dasai: Another fee?
Gangster: She was awfully cute, wasn't she? You think you can find someone that cute around here?
Dasai: OK, OK... here...
Gangster: Do something about that hair, OK?
And so the gangsters clean up again in their new business!
How does this work in actual practice?
Let's look at a typical police and gang-member confrontation.
Scenario 1:
Officer Majime: Hey! You! What are you doing over there assaulting that store owner?!
Gangster: He owes me protection money.
Officer Majime: Wait a minute here! Aren't you a member of a gang?
Gangster: Yeah. I am in the Aku-eikyō Group.
Officer Majime (consulting his list of designated gangs): Hmm... your gang is not on the designated list.
Gangster: Damn...
Office Majime: Carry on.
Contrast that with this scenario which turns out so very differently.
Scenario 2:
Office Majime: Hey! You! What are you doing over there assaulting that store owner?!
Gangster: He owes me protection money.
Officer Majime: Wait a minute here! Aren't you a member of a gang?
Gangster: Yeah. I am in the Sumiyoshi Organization.
Officer Majime (consulting his list of designated gangs): Hmm... your gang is here on the designated list, number 3. (looks at gangster with raised eyebrows)
Gangster: Damn...
Office Majime: Carry on.
Like the rest of the nation, however, gangs have fallen on hard times. With natural disasters and the rising yen, the economy is struggling to keep its head above water, and as a result, popular sources of gang income have slumped. Your average salary man can't afford the weekly visit to the local "soapland" for his "massage", and the truckers, hard pressed to find stuff to truck, don't need the stimulants as much as they used to either.
What's a gang to do?
Sell marriage of course.
Boring Background Information
One problem that grips Japan today is the "oldest son problem". If you are the oldest son (or only son), especially if you live in a rural area, it is almost impossible to get married.
Why?
An oldest son is responsible for the care of his parents. What this means is that while the son goes off to his job everyday, his wife remains at home, having to take care of his aging parents (think diaper-changing and hand feeding... that's what SHE is thinking).
Inexplicably, young women would rather do anything: marry a second or third son, marry (gasp) a foreigner, even not get married at all, or emigrate to Zimbabwe than marry the oldest son.
Poor oldest son.
This is where the gangs come in. They have jumped into the new business called "Konkatsu" or "Marriage Hunting". But, typically, they provide a special twist. Not only will they find you a bride, but they will actually hook you up with someone really special!
Scenario 3:
Kimyō Dasai (oldest son): So... if... if I pay the enrollment fee of 100,000 yen (about $1250), you will hel... help me find a wife?
Gangster: Oh, yes! Not only that, you get to choose! See these pictures" (shows album of cute, young women). Which one would you like?
Dasai: (wiping the drool) Y...you... you mean, I get to choose one of THOSE?! (his pupils dilate seriously)... oh my....
Gangster: Sure! You can pick the one you think would be best for you. (pointing to one of them) Isn't that the sexiest woman you have seen in your WHOLE LIFE?!
But before we get too involved here, let me explain how it works.
You pay an enrollment fee to gain access to our bank of potential partners. Then, depending on which one and how many you wish to meet, you pay separate meeting fees.
Dasai: How much would it cost, for example, if I wanted to meet her (points to one of the cuties).
Gangster: Well... let's see... (pulls out a calculator). There is the initial enrollment fee of 100,000 yen. Then the meeting fee. For her it would be an additional 100,000 yen... she's one of the cutest; if you wanted to meet someone more your age, the price would be much less... heh heh heh.
Dasai: No ... I want to meet her.
Gangster: OK then, so the transportation fee would be 50,000 yen and naturally my handling fees and service charges, another 50,000 yen. Sales tax is an unavoidable 5%, so that tacks on 15,000 yen. So to meet up with her and potentially have her as your bride (nudge nudge), you only need to pay a total of 315,000 yen!
Dasai: That's not so bad if she'll marry me. You say that it's almost guaranteed that she will?
Gangster: Just leave it to us! I am sure that when she sees you, she will fall madly in love and want to move in with you out here in the boonies... er... romantic countryside!
Maybe you could comb some side hair over that bald spot on top? And do you HAVE to wear rubber boots?
Scenario 4:
(later)
Gangster: So, how did the date go, Mr. Dasai?
Dasai: She... she didn't seem to like me at all. Sh... she kept looking at her watch and drank her ice... her iced tea in about two minutes.
Gangster: Nonsense! She is just being coy!
Dasai: She went to the toe... the toi.. the restroom three times and spent a long time in there.
Gangster: She probably wanted to fix her makeup to look good for you!
Dasai: And at the table she kept texting on her cell... her cellphone....
Gangster: Don't be silly. I am sure she was just checking her horoscope or something on her phone, wondering if she was compatible with you or not!
Dasai: ... I don't think she even... even looked at me one time!
Gangster: She was just being shy! You need to meet her again. "Show her the town" a bit. Step out! Do something exciting! She's young and wants some fun in her life! Think back to when you were young; what sorts of fun things did you do?
Dasai: We had to har... harvest the rice. Do you think she would like that? It can get pretty exciting...when the girls are all b... ben... bending over like that... (loses eye focus, remembering)
Gangster: No! No ... forget the rice harvesting! How about taking her to a nice restaurant?
Dasai: We don't have any nice restaurants here, but I sup... suppose I could take her to Auntie Spew's Diner down the road there.... she will love the pick... the pickled squid.
Gangster: That would be perfect. So all you need to do is pay another meeting fee, and I will set everything up for you.
Dasai: Another fee?
Gangster: She was awfully cute, wasn't she? You think you can find someone that cute around here?
Dasai: OK, OK... here...
Gangster: Do something about that hair, OK?
And so the gangsters clean up again in their new business!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Dear Mr. Pterosaurish
I might have overstepped some boundaries... again. Why can I never get it right?
I received another letter from North... er... the Democratic People's Republic of Korea about my blog. I post it below to show I am open to criticism.
(I have added some links to show their sincerity and truthfulness. YOU OVER THERE IN PYONGYANG NOTICE THIS, RIGHT?!)
- - - - - - - - - -
Dear Mr. Pterosaurish:
We here at the Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency follow your blog very carefully.
It is so funny.
We have a strong sense of independent, non-capitalist humor here, so let us say a hearty "Ha Ha!"
Despite the wit and humor, however, like last time, we would like to correct some of the points you made and clear up some of your distortions; if you don't mind.
First, you seem to believe that the Great Successor and Revered Leader Kim Jong un, a military genius and a car driver from age three, is over weight.
This is not at all the case.
In your humorous and very funny and entertaining blog (Let us say, "Ha ha!" again), you suggested that the Great Successor had trouble getting through the hatch of a tank. That is silly. He could get into the hatch with no problem.
And he was also able to get out without any serious physical issues.
Please correct this misstatement in your blog. We would like to mention that he has been working out with what you imperialist paper tigers call a "thigh master" these past months and is in the peak of condition.
Please correct your impression of our new leader.
You also suggested that his uncle, Jang Song taek, might cut off the Great Successor's cream puff supply. That is totally misquoted and a capitalist running dog lie. Your sources are obviously misinformed. His uncle said he wanted to cut off his ice cream supply. Please notify your readers of this error too.
The transcript of the meeting is so full of errors, we wonder who your translators are. Mr. Pterosaurish, you need to study Korean better or hire more competent translators. You properly pointed out the animals who expressed their deep mourning for the loss of Dear Leader, Kim Jong il, but failed to mention the bears! The bears were also discussed at that same meeting, just before Jang's comment about the magpies. They were mourning so pitiably in the road, having woken up from hibernation, moved by the loss of Dear Leader. We would appreciate you mentioning that the bears mourned the passing of Dear Leader.
In conclusion, we here at the News Agency would like to see you pay more attention to accuracy in your blog. Although we appreciate this kind of sophisticated, international satire and humor (let us say "ha ha" once more), we know you live just across the Japan Sea from us. We are almost neighbors. Not that we are admitting to abducting people from near where you live or anything, but you might want to be more accurate in your representation of the Great Successor in the future.
We are also disturbed by the fact that you seem to have spies in our great country, so rest assured that we will find them and – shall we say – cut off their cream puff supply.
With all the best for the New Year,
Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency
- - - - - - - - - -
I stand corrected. And Happy New Year to all of you at the Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency. We wish Kim Jong un all the best and are eagerly looking forward to how the thigh master works out for him. And we have attack cats here, so think twice about coming to visit.
I received another letter from North... er... the Democratic People's Republic of Korea about my blog. I post it below to show I am open to criticism.
(I have added some links to show their sincerity and truthfulness. YOU OVER THERE IN PYONGYANG NOTICE THIS, RIGHT?!)
- - - - - - - - - -
Dear Mr. Pterosaurish:
We here at the Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency follow your blog very carefully.
It is so funny.
We have a strong sense of independent, non-capitalist humor here, so let us say a hearty "Ha Ha!"
Despite the wit and humor, however, like last time, we would like to correct some of the points you made and clear up some of your distortions; if you don't mind.
First, you seem to believe that the Great Successor and Revered Leader Kim Jong un, a military genius and a car driver from age three, is over weight.
This is not at all the case.
In your humorous and very funny and entertaining blog (Let us say, "Ha ha!" again), you suggested that the Great Successor had trouble getting through the hatch of a tank. That is silly. He could get into the hatch with no problem.
And he was also able to get out without any serious physical issues.
Please correct this misstatement in your blog. We would like to mention that he has been working out with what you imperialist paper tigers call a "thigh master" these past months and is in the peak of condition.
Please correct your impression of our new leader.
You also suggested that his uncle, Jang Song taek, might cut off the Great Successor's cream puff supply. That is totally misquoted and a capitalist running dog lie. Your sources are obviously misinformed. His uncle said he wanted to cut off his ice cream supply. Please notify your readers of this error too.
The transcript of the meeting is so full of errors, we wonder who your translators are. Mr. Pterosaurish, you need to study Korean better or hire more competent translators. You properly pointed out the animals who expressed their deep mourning for the loss of Dear Leader, Kim Jong il, but failed to mention the bears! The bears were also discussed at that same meeting, just before Jang's comment about the magpies. They were mourning so pitiably in the road, having woken up from hibernation, moved by the loss of Dear Leader. We would appreciate you mentioning that the bears mourned the passing of Dear Leader.
In conclusion, we here at the News Agency would like to see you pay more attention to accuracy in your blog. Although we appreciate this kind of sophisticated, international satire and humor (let us say "ha ha" once more), we know you live just across the Japan Sea from us. We are almost neighbors. Not that we are admitting to abducting people from near where you live or anything, but you might want to be more accurate in your representation of the Great Successor in the future.
We are also disturbed by the fact that you seem to have spies in our great country, so rest assured that we will find them and – shall we say – cut off their cream puff supply.
With all the best for the New Year,
Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency
- - - - - - - - - -
I stand corrected. And Happy New Year to all of you at the Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency. We wish Kim Jong un all the best and are eagerly looking forward to how the thigh master works out for him. And we have attack cats here, so think twice about coming to visit.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Baby Kim Takes the Helm
Unless you live under a rock, you have heard about the death of Dear Leader, Kim Il Sung in North Korea, and the accession to the throne by his youngest son, Son of Kim, or as they call him, Great Successor.
The weeping and wailing in the streets after Dear Leader's death involved such great acting that I believe a new category should be opened for the Academy Awards, Best National Acting Award. North Korea would win hands down, not only for the mourning, but even for simple things like the news presentations.
Despite this incredible achievement, it seems that some citizens were not playing their roles up to the levels demanded by their government and will be punished for their failures. Not only that, the North Korean government has come down hard on surrounding nations for their unwillingness to pretend they were sad to see Kim Il Sung depart for his reward.
South Korea came in for a special lambasting. How could their fellow Koreans not be heart broken by the passing of father Kim, the Dear Dear Leader? Also Japan, the perennial object of intense North Korean hatred, was criticized for its lack of an expression of sorrow on his death. Never mind that Kim was behind the abduction of Japanese citizens for many years, the Japanese government at least should express its grief at his passing.
At the leadership level in North Korea, deciding on how to present the death of Kim the Elder to the people and also how to raise up Kim the Younger in their eyes is a major challenge. When your country's population is starving and oppressed, you need to use the correct vocabulary to make things right!
My spies have been very active of late and have provided me with a transcript of just one such meeting in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea.
Jang Song taek (Kim the Younger's uncle): OK everyone, we need to work out some details about Dear Leader's death.
Kim Jong un (Kim the Younger): Where did daddy keep the bon-bons? I want some of those bon-bons! When I was little I remember coming into this office and he would...
Jang: Will you shut up! You blubber puss! We are trying to work out some important details here and all you can think about is food!
General Kim Yong chun: First of all we need some natural events that heralded his death... any ideas?
Premier Choe: How about something on holy Mt. Paektu?
Jang: Excellent idea. OK, we will have the sky glow red.
Gen. Kim: That's a good start, but how about a fierce snowstorm too?
Jang: Great! A fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red!
Prem. Choe: Then the ice cracked on the lake!
Jang: This is really good. OK, here is what we will put out. There was a fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red and the ice on the lake cracked with a roar. Is that OK?
Gen. Kim: Perfect! How about some birds or other animals doing something?
Jang: OK. Hmmm... how about some magpies.
Prem. Choe: Yeah, let's have hundreds of them hovering over the statue of Kim Il Sung in mourning.
Jang: Good idea. And how about adding a crane bowing its head in mourning too?
Prem. Choe: That is just brilliant!
Jang: So Kim Il sung was the Great Leader, and Kim Jong il was Dear Leader... let's move on to what to call this this bloated pig from now on?
Kim Jong un: I am NOT that fat! You can't call me a bloated pig! I won't allow it! Daddy put ME in charge now, so I will not allow this sort of insult to me!
Jang: Shut up and sit down!
And stop sucking your thumb like that; you'll make yourself bucktoothed as well.
Gen. Kim: Well... since we called his grandfather and father "Something" Leader, how about a title with Leader in it?
Prem. Choe: Hmm... Revered Leader?
Jang: Nah... how about Humongous Leader! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(laughter all around)
Stop pouting you pig, or I will cut off your cream puff supply.
Gen. Kim: Great Successor!
Jang: Perfect! OK we will go with that for now. Great Successor and a great person born of heaven.
(sound of eyes rolling)
Gen. Kim: We in the military will release a statement saying that we would all be willing to die in the defense of the fat toad. HAHAHAHA!
Leave it to me. I will come up with something good.
Jang: OK, I guess that wraps it up for now. Any other business or questions?
Kim Jong un: I'm hungry... what's for lunch?
Jang: I am putting you on a diet one of these days, I swear it. We had to struggle to get you through the hatch of that tank we filmed you in the other day. If you get any fatter, Japanese research whalers will be after you. HAHAHAHAHA!
(laughter all around)
Meeting adjourned!
The weeping and wailing in the streets after Dear Leader's death involved such great acting that I believe a new category should be opened for the Academy Awards, Best National Acting Award. North Korea would win hands down, not only for the mourning, but even for simple things like the news presentations.
Despite this incredible achievement, it seems that some citizens were not playing their roles up to the levels demanded by their government and will be punished for their failures. Not only that, the North Korean government has come down hard on surrounding nations for their unwillingness to pretend they were sad to see Kim Il Sung depart for his reward.
South Korea came in for a special lambasting. How could their fellow Koreans not be heart broken by the passing of father Kim, the Dear Dear Leader? Also Japan, the perennial object of intense North Korean hatred, was criticized for its lack of an expression of sorrow on his death. Never mind that Kim was behind the abduction of Japanese citizens for many years, the Japanese government at least should express its grief at his passing.
At the leadership level in North Korea, deciding on how to present the death of Kim the Elder to the people and also how to raise up Kim the Younger in their eyes is a major challenge. When your country's population is starving and oppressed, you need to use the correct vocabulary to make things right!
My spies have been very active of late and have provided me with a transcript of just one such meeting in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea.
Jang Song taek (Kim the Younger's uncle): OK everyone, we need to work out some details about Dear Leader's death.
Kim Jong un (Kim the Younger): Where did daddy keep the bon-bons? I want some of those bon-bons! When I was little I remember coming into this office and he would...
Jang: Will you shut up! You blubber puss! We are trying to work out some important details here and all you can think about is food!
General Kim Yong chun: First of all we need some natural events that heralded his death... any ideas?
Premier Choe: How about something on holy Mt. Paektu?
Jang: Excellent idea. OK, we will have the sky glow red.
Gen. Kim: That's a good start, but how about a fierce snowstorm too?
Jang: Great! A fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red!
Prem. Choe: Then the ice cracked on the lake!
Jang: This is really good. OK, here is what we will put out. There was a fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red and the ice on the lake cracked with a roar. Is that OK?
Gen. Kim: Perfect! How about some birds or other animals doing something?
Jang: OK. Hmmm... how about some magpies.
Prem. Choe: Yeah, let's have hundreds of them hovering over the statue of Kim Il Sung in mourning.
Jang: Good idea. And how about adding a crane bowing its head in mourning too?
Prem. Choe: That is just brilliant!
Jang: So Kim Il sung was the Great Leader, and Kim Jong il was Dear Leader... let's move on to what to call this this bloated pig from now on?
Kim Jong un: I am NOT that fat! You can't call me a bloated pig! I won't allow it! Daddy put ME in charge now, so I will not allow this sort of insult to me!
Jang: Shut up and sit down!
And stop sucking your thumb like that; you'll make yourself bucktoothed as well.
Gen. Kim: Well... since we called his grandfather and father "Something" Leader, how about a title with Leader in it?
Prem. Choe: Hmm... Revered Leader?
Jang: Nah... how about Humongous Leader! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(laughter all around)
Stop pouting you pig, or I will cut off your cream puff supply.
Gen. Kim: Great Successor!
Jang: Perfect! OK we will go with that for now. Great Successor and a great person born of heaven.
(sound of eyes rolling)
Gen. Kim: We in the military will release a statement saying that we would all be willing to die in the defense of the fat toad. HAHAHAHA!
Leave it to me. I will come up with something good.
Jang: OK, I guess that wraps it up for now. Any other business or questions?
Kim Jong un: I'm hungry... what's for lunch?
Jang: I am putting you on a diet one of these days, I swear it. We had to struggle to get you through the hatch of that tank we filmed you in the other day. If you get any fatter, Japanese research whalers will be after you. HAHAHAHAHA!
(laughter all around)
Meeting adjourned!
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