The Papal Condomnundrum

Even theologians around the world are trying to decipher what the Pope meant by his recent statements regarding condom use, so for us lay people it is not immediately transparent what he had in mind.
Let's see if we can sum it up in an easy-to-understand, question and answer format. You lay people can ask the questions, and I will answer them. Ready?
Question: Did the Pope say that people can use condoms now?
Answer: If by "people" you mean "anyone", no.
Q: Then who CAN use condoms?
A: Male prostitutes who are HIV positive.
Q: Any male prostitute who is HIV positive?
A: No. Only HIV positive, male prostitutes who are engaged in homosexual activities.
Q: Why would a male prostitute who was HIV positive but having heterosexual sex not be covered under this religious plan?
A: It is Church doctrine that birth control is immoral because it stands in the way of conception, so if a male prostitute was having heterosexual sex, the door (so to speak) to procreation should be left open.
Q: But that would infect his client with HIV, wouldn't it?
A: Tough luck.
Q: Why would the Church support infecting heterosexuals with HIV but allow homosexuals to avoid this "punishment"?
A: Nobody really knows. The Church believes that homosexuality is "objectively disordered", so you would think that they would support (as some religious groups do) the spread of HIV among the gay population, letting them get AIDS as a kind of punishment for their behavior . But in this case, the Pope seems to have taken the opposite view. He may be hiding something.
Q: Do you think the Pope has thought this through carefully?
A: No, I think the Pope is an idiot.
Q: Let me ask another question... what if the male is not HIV positive but is worried that his partner is, can he wear a condom in that case?
A: That is a very good question. I assume you are thinking of a scenario of some sort here?
Q: Yes, I was wondering what if – say – a Catholic priest was molesting the men in his congregation, would it be OK for him to wear a condom, so that he would not be exposed to whatever sexually transmitted diseases his victims might have?
A: Apparently not. The Pope focused his comments on "first act of responsibility" and "thinking about the other person", so since the priest would be selfishly thinking only of himself, he would not be able to wear a condom.
Q: What if the "male" wasn't a prostitute, but only a regular, gay guy who happened to be HIV positive? Would it be OK for him to wear a condom?
A: No. The Catholic Church believes that "being" gay is not a sin, but acting out on it is, so it would not matter whether he wore a condom or not. He is supposed to be chaste.
Q: But just in case... what if he couldn't ... um ... manage to be chaste at that time, would it be OK for him to wear a condom?
A: What you are suggesting is related to lust. The Roman Catholic Church does not approve of lust. So the answer is NO! NO! NO! NO! Hello?
Q: I am right here! ... no need to shout... sheesh... What about lesbians... they don't need condoms but they might be infected with HIV for some reason.... can they have sex with condoms, just in case?
A: Yes. Lesbians are free to put condoms on dildos and whatnot as there is no obstacle to procreation.
Q: How about everyday lay people... is there anyway that we can use condoms?
A: Yes! They can be used as balloons at birthday parties and bar mitzvahs etc. They are very good for that.
Q: What does it actually mean when we are called "lay people"?
A: It means that the Catholic Church can pretty much do whatever it wants to us, so long as it does not wear a condom.