Forever Young – advice for seniors

In an earlier blog, I discussed how we seniors should be careful not to appear to be dead; this is an open invitation for relatives to get rid of us. It's true, we Boomers did most of our "booming" in the 60s and 70s, but many of us are not quite "circling the drain" yet and remain perky with vitality. The media is full of people talking about how 40 is "the new 30", so we older folk need to get on that bandwagon as well. Our slogan should be "100 is the new 90!"
There are steps you can take as you age – dos and don'ts – so that folks around you will not take you for the decrepit, old fart that you appear to be, but instead see you for the youthful heart that beats within. You want to stay "as young as you feel"!

DOs
1. Wear bright clothing. For men, head out to your favorite store and get some cheerful Hawaiian shirts with bright prints. Choose colors that scream youthfulness, like pink or violet. A pair of brightly striped pants will compliment the shirts as well. You women will want to strut your new youthful look with a really trendy muumuu. Finding one that matches the print your partner is wearing will only set you apart as a really "with it" couple.
2. Get a nice suntan. This can be done by actually lying around in the sun, but give your melanomas a rest and use one of those baste on suntan lotions like Congressman Boehner applies. The orange look is "in", and nothing says "young" more than that outdoorsy patina.
3. Guys, wear a gold necklace of heavy chain. This will hint that you are not only young but also rich and maybe a little dangerous, since young people who wear gold chains are usually drug dealers.
4. You women will want to go in for a bikini swimsuit. Everyone knows that this is the latest craze amongst the youthful set. See if you can find one that matches your muumuu.
5. Dye your hair! For men, you will want to go with a color that is as close to your original color as you remember it to be. When in doubt make it a few shades darker. Women will want to go with something that offers a blue hue. This will definitely show your new tan and muumuu to their best advantage. Dying your hair is a surefire way to show you are just bursting with youthfulness.
6. Get a Facebook page. This is the new social networking that you have been hearing about on the nightly news. Find someone to teach you how to use it and put all your pictures and comments there for the world to see. Leave out the pictures that show you doing "senior" things like being wheeled out of the hospital after recovering from your fifth heart attack or napping in that "I AM DEAD, DISPOSE OF ME" posture.

DON'Ts
1. Don't talk about your ailments. Nobody wants to know that you had to eat a whole bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement this morning. Really! Please.
2. Don't say things like "oof" (in the Seattle area, "Oof da" or in Japan よいしょっ) when you get up from your chair or do anything involving physical effort, such as bending over to tie your shoes.
3. Don't leave your medications in your medicine cabinet when you invite people over. Let's face it, most of your friends are the same age as you, and when they retreat to the "powder room", they are going to snoop in your medicine cabinet. Rows of pill bottles with labels like phenoxybenzamine or warfarin will clue them in that your "youthful" image is only skin deep. Especially don't leave one of those weekly-pill-organizer boxes lying around, as then they will know that you are not only very sick, but also suffering from memory loss.
You cannot leave your cabinet bare, however. That would be too suspicious. So display a bottle of aspirin and other over-the-counter medications for coughs and common colds. Some sex lubricant or a dildo would also be a good way to establish your youth cred.
4. Don't use "senior slang". Nothing dates you like the language you use. Are you still saying things like "boss", as in "Isn't that new Lady Gaga album boss"? That is SO ancient. OMG! You need to spruce up your lingo! Also, don't say "lingo". That is SO 17th century! You should be dead already. You want to use words like "awesome".
Short Quiz
Scenario
You are at the supermarket and looking at the melons. You have NO idea how to tell whether a melon is ready to eat or not, so you ask the woman who is busily picking each one up and sniffing it, how to tell if a melon is ripe.
She looks at you like you have just molested her daughter but says, "This one is ripe."
You say:
a. Thank you so much.
b. Whoa! Totally cool.
c. Awesome.
d. Those melons just killed 13 people!
e. I did not molest your daughter. Fred did it.
f. All of the above.
Of course only c is correct.
Young people say "awesome" for everything! It is very hip. (Don't say "hip"; nobody knows what that means.)
They say stuff like, "OMG! That movie was... like... so totally awesome!" Or "OMG! That gelato was... like... so totally awesome!" Or "I am... like... so totally going to eat at that totally awesome restaurant you... like... told me about!"
I think you get the picture. Language degrades as generations pass. You think not? Try reading Shakespeare again in the original Latin.
Anyway, follow these tips and you will not only appear to be... like... so totally young and all, but who knows? You might actually BE so totally... like... er... like... so... totally... AWESOME!