Advice for Seniors: Your Second Wind

In previous posts we have had a look at some of the issues that we seniors face as we age: dealing with forgetfulness, maintaining our mental acuity, and not appearing dead, just to mention a few. Of course these are important, broad concerns, but we also need to look at some of the humdrum, everyday aspects of our lives to make sure that we don't trip on them as we try to hold onto an active life. There is nothing worse than tripping on humdrum, everyday things and having to go to the hospital and then spending 3 months in rehab.
I can hear you asking, "What ARE some of these humdrum, everyday aspects that we might trip over?"
I can hear this because I have my hearing aid turned way up, and the mic is far from the earpiece, so I don't get that "pee-pah-PEEEEE.... the number you have reached is out of service at this time, please hang up and try again later" message.
First of all, one of the daily plagues that affects all seniors is flatulence. There just seems to be no end to it (har!), and it is often very difficult to control.
Let's use the popular question-and-answer format to look at some of the common causes of this problem and what steps we can take to lessen their impact.
Q1: I heard that increasing the roughage in my diet would help prevent cancer, but it also seems to have made me really gassy. What can I do about this?
A: You can join OPEC. Ha. Ha. Just kidding. Unfortunately, both low roughage and high roughage diets can cause gas, so you need to find the proper balance in your diet to reduce emissions to an acceptable level. Installing a gas meter for a week – say – to monitor your production might help you to determine which foods are the worst offenders.
Q2: I seem to have bloating and large amounts of gas after my evening meal everyday! This causes painful embarrassment around the house, especially when we have guests over. What might be the problem?
A: Seniors tend not to chew their foods effectively, often because their dentures fall out and get in the way. Chewing up dentures with the morning muesli is a common problem. It's much easier simply to swallow stuff whole. This, however, puts an extra strain on your intestines which resent this pressure and produce prodigious quantities of methane to get even. You can solve this problem by asking a family member or one of your guests to chew your food for you.
Explain that they will be thankful later.
Or, if this is not possible, you can put your food through a mulcher in the yard or a blender in the kitchen. Your guests will wonder about you drinking your hamburgers and hot dogs around the BBQ, but – once again – explain that they will be thankful later.
Q3: Sometimes I simply HAVE to release some fumes into the environment, but it is not in an appropriate setting. What can I do about this predicament?
A: Since everyone passes gas, the important point here is to make your release seem like it came from someone else. Sidle up to another person – preferably another senior – at the party, for example, and turn your backside towards them as you pretend to admire the art on the wall. Unleash your fumes in their direction.
Be careful; people fail in this technique by immediately dashing away, but residual exhaust will trail you and illuminate you as the offender.
Wait patiently until the cloud has completely settled around you and your target, then turn and with a look of disgust walk to the other side of the room. Timing is critical as they will also be turning to look at YOU with disgust.
Q4: This is the same question as number 3 above, but what should I do if I am seated?
A: If the seat has a cushion, like a sofa, you might be able to get away with a quick fumigation, hoping the material will be absorbent enough to hold the gas until fracking miners can come and drill it as a natural resource later. If the chair is a hard one, however, you are in deep trouble. There is nothing you can effectively do to prevent the gas-escape, and since the chair is smooth and hard, the noxious fumes will announce their arrival with an inappropriately obnoxious sound. Trying to cover the sound up with loud coughing or a fake sneeze will only convince the others in the room that you are responsible.
You will have to resign your position on the Board.
Q5: I have this ghastly dream where I am pumped up like a balloon and let go. I fly out of control around the room with this squeaky, hissing sound. When I hit the wall, I wake up and discover that my bed is filled with a hideous smell. What can I do about this problem?
A: Never get married for one thing. Another step you can take is to practice "lucid dreaming", a technique that allows you to control the content of your dreams. Once you gain skills in this regimen, you should be able to dream yourself some sort of cork or tie-off that will hold you until morning.
I thought I would be able to discuss senior sleep problems today too, but we have run out of time and, I am sitting in a hard chair and need to move immediately.