It has always been my belief that global warming can be blamed for just about everything.
People more surly to you in the supermarket?
Global warming.
Economy class seats getting smaller?
No question about it – global warming.
And now, something I did not even suspect! It looks like global warming may be influencing the alcohol content of wine. In an earlier post, I discussed how food manufacturers really don't know what they are putting into their products, so I was concerned that the same was happening to wine.
As an everyday wino... er... connoisseur of wine, I was worried that more alcohol might be sneaking into my favorite vintages without the wine makers knowing about it. You will be relieved to know that this is not the case. Vintners know all about the increases in alcohol content but simply choose not to label it.
"Why," You ask?
A very good question indeed.
As it turns out, producers think that people drink wine in some sophisticated way that makes them not like to think about the alcohol content – the "body" and the "finish" are more important than the "high".
Can you believe THAT?!
I couldn't.
A Hard Hitting News Hound needs to get to the bottom of controversies like this and find out who these sophisticates are and what it is about wines that they pay attention to. I decided to do on-the-spot interviews of wine drinkers and get their direct opinions.
Interview 1:
HHNH: Excuse me, Sir... is that wine you are drinking there?
Wine Drinker: (pulling down brown paper bag to check label) Yesh... wantshum? Have a... hic... a... have a sheat.
HHNH: Um... don't you think we might be safer over there on the curb? Here... let me help you....
By the way, did you know that your wine's alcohol content might be higher than what is shown on the label?
WD: Huh? My Thunderbird?
HHNH: Yes. Global warming is increasing the alcohol content of wines and wine makers are not showing it on the label for fear of turning wine drinkers away.
WD: It shaysh right here... 18%. You mean it might be higher than that even?
HHNH: Yesh... I mean, yes. It could be as much as 19%. How does that make you feel?
WD: I guh... hic ... guess, I am OK with that. I get more bang for my buck, show to shpeak?
HHNH: It doesn't bother you? You don't feel betrayed by your sommelier?
WD: My what? You sure you don't want shum? Ish good and now even better.
HHNH: Well, maybe one swig for research purposes...
Interview 2:
HHNH: Hiya guys! Is that wine you're drinking up there?
Wine Drinker 1: Yup. Want some? Come on up! We always have a lot of stuff to drink around here.
Wine Drinker 2: Beta Theta Pi ROCKS!
WD1: Yeah!
Here... try this!
HHNH: Did you hear that global warming might be... hey, wait a minute... what IS this stuff?
WD1: It's our shpecial wine punch! We call it "BTP BOOM". It's fantash... fanta...fran... it's aweshum!
HHNH: Holy crap! What is IN here anyway?!
WD2: It's got wine... an'... an'... what else did you put in there, Jethro?
WD1: Lessee... there's the wine... an' the... PGA, an' the fruit juish.
HHNH: Wow. Are my eyes watering?
WD1: Yesh... don' worry. They will stop.
HHNH: Show you guys don' care about the increash in alcohol in the wine due to... due to... glo... global warming?
WD2: Wow, man... are you kidding?! No way! We Beta Theta Piers shay, the more the merrier!
Interview 3:
HHNH: Good evening, Father. Thank you for letting me come here to interview you.
Priest: You are most welcome, my son. What is wrong with your eyes? They are bright red and watering. Have you been crying? Perhaps you came for the solace of the confessional?
HHNH: Er... no. I just have a few questions to ask as a journalist.
Priest: What is it you wish to know?
HHNH: I was wondering if you were aware that global warming may be increasing the alcohol content of your sacramental wines and that the makers are not putting this information on the labels.
Priest: We follow strict Catholic doctrine about sacramental wines. It transubstantiates, you know.
HHNH: It what?
Priest: We believe in transubstantiation, that the bread and wine of the Holy Eucharist change into the body and blood of Christ.
HHNH: Um... Say what?
Priest: We believe that through the power of the Living God, when the items of the Eucharist are consecrated they change in their substance. The "look" may appear to be the same, but in fact they undergo the Holy Transubstantiation as said by Jesus at the Last Supper. For the bread, he said, "Take, eat: this is My Body, which is broken for you for the remission of sins."
And for the wine, "Drink of it, all of you: this is My Blood of the New Testament, which is shed for you and for many, for the remission of sins."
HHNH: So the wine actually changes to blood?
Priest: Yes, the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.
HHNH: Eww.
Priest: Eww?
HHNH: Never mind. Well... er... are you concerned that the alcohol content of the blood might be getting higher due to global warming?
Priest: Um... no, (paging through the General Instruction of the Roman Missal) Catholic doctrine does not say anything about the alcohol content so long as it is wine.
But wait...
I have noticed the choir boys have been a little more rosy of cheek lately; it might not be just from the spankings...
Excuse me... I need to check on something.
I also interviewed several of my friends, and not one of them, not ONE, is disturbed by this trend toward stronger wines. One even remarked, "Bring it on!" Clearly, labeling the wines accurately would not put any of them off at all.
So investigative journalism reveals that the wine makers' concern that they might turn off drinkers by labeling their bottles properly is clearly unfounded. I call on them to go ahead and let us know the actual alcohol content of their products. For as we all know "In vino veritas" and the other way around too.
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