For the longest time, I thought that the fact that women outlived men was the result of a design flaw (male nipples?¹) or some kind of software bug in men. It seemed unfair that men would flame out early, leaving women to hang out by themselves – beach side with the piña coladas – and enjoy all the great benefits of a long and happy life, such as early onset dementia, or chronic constipation.
Indeed, I have written here before about how men not only live shorter lives, but how we are also walking a tightrope of uselessness; one false step and we could plummet off into total gender oblivion!
People are starting to talk, guys! "They"² are wondering if we are ever going to shape up and make something of ourselves.
Think about it!
List all the dumb comments made – say – about rape during the recent election cycle in the US. One hundred percent of them were made by men! You could hear American women's eyes rolling, way over here in Japan.
I am not joking.
So, being a man myself and not wanting to be swept into the dustbin of history, I have been searching for information that could help us guys lead not only better but longer lives. After all, once we get the "better" part down, then women and society in general ³ will appreciate having us around longer.
If we stay like we are – uneducated louts, controlling the TV remote – women will want to see us drop out of the scene faster and faster, and we will see diminishing life expectancies as is already happening in Russia. You can be sure that Russian women have decided that they can control the remote and probably a lot more as well.
We don't want that! No way.
So we need to define what it is that we want out of life. Do we want to just lie around the house, drinking up all the wine and watching the pathetic Mariners lose on TV?
Let me answer that for you, since I have the feeling that you would say "Yeah? Is there anything else?!"
Put down that beer and pay attention here!
The proper answer for "socially acceptable"⁴ males is "no".
What I am driving at is that we guys would like to hang out with women, but we have been making ourselves less and less attractive to them by our behavior. They are starting to think that maybe they can make do with a cat for comfort and a dild ... well... something else for other things (let's not give them any ideas).
If you are international like *I am, you read news from a wide variety of international sources and then feel really good about yourself for your eclectic orientation. In the Hindustan Times, for example, in their Entertainment section (no less) we can find the answer to our search for gender meaning.
Apparently we guys have a different cocktail of hormones in our systems than the women we are chasing, and THIS is the source of a lot of our problems.
More crime? Blame the hormones.
Lose your job and lie around the house all day, pretending to be a cat? More hormone maladjustments.
All this time, we have been thinking that it was FEMALES who had the hormone issues. How many times have you thought, "Omg... she is talking about that again!" and blamed it on "that time of month" etc? Right.
Well.... apparently it's not them; it's us.
Sorry.
What can we do about this? Well, according to the research, eunuchs lived much longer than the other males around them. Even lavishly fed and well-treated males such as kings and emperors were outlived by the eunuchs who served them.
So! We⁵ can solve the problem of longevity by undergoing a simple operation. In fact, you can do this at home. Boston Corbett (the man who shot John Wilkes Booth) performed this operation on himself with a pair of scissors.
There are of course side-effects such as a lack of libido and a desire to hang out in harems and try on all the women's lingerie. But to catch up with women in our modern society, maybe these small sacrifices are worth it.
Our nation is calling us, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what YOU can do for getting along better with everyone else."
For myself, I am too old to be bothered with this silliness, so I will be letting nature take its own course. For you younger men, however, I strongly advocate this simple procedure that you can do at home. You won't regret it, and the whole world will be better off. What a wonderful thing you can do for the human community.
Afterwards, I would like to support you in your new circumstances, so please send me the telephone numbers or email addresses of all your female friends so that I can help them adjust to your new world too!
Trust me, I will try very hard.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ Intelligent design folks? Hello? Helloooooo?
² "They" pretty much means all the women you know.
³ "society in general refers to women.
⁴"Socially acceptable" equals if you want to actually hang out with women.
⁵ This means you.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
OMG! Awwwww! Sooo Cute!
Is there anyone on the planet who can look at this picture and not have an instant "Awwww!!!" response? I frankly doubt it. Thinking, "That's CUTE!!" seems to be hard-wired into our psyches, bringing out feelings that probably have played important roles in the evolution of the species.
Research is only just now starting to delve into this theme of why we think certain things are cute, and also what effects cuteness has on the human brain.
A recent study by a Japanese team, for example, has shown that exposing subjects to cuteness increases their ability to function and focus on their work. Imagine the significance of this important research! It might mean, for example, that painting the whole airplane with "Hello Kitty" and other cute pictures could help the pilots concentrate on their flying and also aid the ground staff in their efforts as well!
Ground Staff Person #1: Omg!! Look at that airplane! That is SOOOO cute!!! I just LOVE Hello Kitty.... awwww... she's gone to Italy as a tourist! Awww!!
GSP#2 (focusing on the task at hand): You attached the toilet pump-out nozzle to the fuel tank...
GSP#1: Oops... here... let me get that... er... is it OK to have so much jet fuel all over the ground like this?
But focusing on work is not the only effect of seeing a cute thing. Additional research shows that cuteness stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are excited by such compelling things as sex, good food, and cocaine.
In other words, we humans really like to look at "cute"!
Duh.
But might there be more important implications in our reactions to cute things?
It is a well-known fact that pet ownership has direct and measurable health benefits. Naturally the nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship we have with our pets – they barf on the floor and we clean it up, etc. – is an important factor in the health advantages for pet owners. It's not a stretch to say, however, that our pets' cuteness is one of the main reasons we are attracted to them and develop the meaningful connections we do. If cats were covered with scales, for example, we would hunt them down for the vermin that they clearly are! That they are furry, soft and adorable means that we jump to their beck and call and go "awww!" as they upchuck their crunchy food into our slippers.
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that the Awww Factor (AF) may well be the most powerful influence in the health benefits of pets.
Consider:
What country has the highest AF on the planet? No question; Japan wins hands down.
And which nation has one of the highest life expectancies? Yes... good guess! You ARE paying attention after all!
Japan.
But that is not all.
Which portion of the population of the country with the longest life expectancy is Number One in the world?
Japanese women.
Why?
From an early age, every Japanese girl and young woman is exposed to a barely sub-lethal dose of cuteness. While young boys are vulnerable to some of this as small children too, they soon "grow out" of it and move on to more adult things, like becoming an "otaku" nerd or a withdrawn recluse.
Little girls, however, get dosed early and long – everything from "Hello Kitty" children's in-flight meals, McDonalds characters on happy meals, school buses, cars filled with stuffed animals (who has not seen THIS?), even on the garbage truck, and cute box lunches in cute lunch boxes to take to school, to cute pencil cases and cute fashions. Never mind "Little Poopy". All of these provide a strong health boost throughout a woman's formative years which they carry on into later life in the form of better health and greater longevity.
All of us can learn a lesson from this AF influence. If you want to live a long and healthy life you need to expose yourself to as much cuteness as possible. As we have seen above, getting a pet is an important first step, but why not supplement that with some stuffed animals in your car or living room. Go ahead; don't be shy about it, put Hello Kitty stickers on your windows or maybe even get some Hello Kitty tableware. When you hire that maid to live up to Biblical values, why not go for a cute one? Make your meals adorable as well, by forming the meatloaf into a Winnie the Pooh or the birthday cake into a likeness of Snoopy.
These are simple, inexpensive, and non-invasive steps you can take right NOW to improve your health and vitality. As for me, having just looked at about 30 pages of cuteness, I think I have been exposed to much more than the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of cuteness and might need an insulin shot.
Research is only just now starting to delve into this theme of why we think certain things are cute, and also what effects cuteness has on the human brain.
A recent study by a Japanese team, for example, has shown that exposing subjects to cuteness increases their ability to function and focus on their work. Imagine the significance of this important research! It might mean, for example, that painting the whole airplane with "Hello Kitty" and other cute pictures could help the pilots concentrate on their flying and also aid the ground staff in their efforts as well!
Ground Staff Person #1: Omg!! Look at that airplane! That is SOOOO cute!!! I just LOVE Hello Kitty.... awwww... she's gone to Italy as a tourist! Awww!!
GSP#2 (focusing on the task at hand): You attached the toilet pump-out nozzle to the fuel tank...
GSP#1: Oops... here... let me get that... er... is it OK to have so much jet fuel all over the ground like this?
But focusing on work is not the only effect of seeing a cute thing. Additional research shows that cuteness stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are excited by such compelling things as sex, good food, and cocaine.
In other words, we humans really like to look at "cute"!
Duh.
But might there be more important implications in our reactions to cute things?
It is a well-known fact that pet ownership has direct and measurable health benefits. Naturally the nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship we have with our pets – they barf on the floor and we clean it up, etc. – is an important factor in the health advantages for pet owners. It's not a stretch to say, however, that our pets' cuteness is one of the main reasons we are attracted to them and develop the meaningful connections we do. If cats were covered with scales, for example, we would hunt them down for the vermin that they clearly are! That they are furry, soft and adorable means that we jump to their beck and call and go "awww!" as they upchuck their crunchy food into our slippers.
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that the Awww Factor (AF) may well be the most powerful influence in the health benefits of pets.
Consider:
What country has the highest AF on the planet? No question; Japan wins hands down.
And which nation has one of the highest life expectancies? Yes... good guess! You ARE paying attention after all!
Japan.
But that is not all.
Which portion of the population of the country with the longest life expectancy is Number One in the world?
Japanese women.
Why?
From an early age, every Japanese girl and young woman is exposed to a barely sub-lethal dose of cuteness. While young boys are vulnerable to some of this as small children too, they soon "grow out" of it and move on to more adult things, like becoming an "otaku" nerd or a withdrawn recluse.
Little girls, however, get dosed early and long – everything from "Hello Kitty" children's in-flight meals, McDonalds characters on happy meals, school buses, cars filled with stuffed animals (who has not seen THIS?), even on the garbage truck, and cute box lunches in cute lunch boxes to take to school, to cute pencil cases and cute fashions. Never mind "Little Poopy". All of these provide a strong health boost throughout a woman's formative years which they carry on into later life in the form of better health and greater longevity.
All of us can learn a lesson from this AF influence. If you want to live a long and healthy life you need to expose yourself to as much cuteness as possible. As we have seen above, getting a pet is an important first step, but why not supplement that with some stuffed animals in your car or living room. Go ahead; don't be shy about it, put Hello Kitty stickers on your windows or maybe even get some Hello Kitty tableware. When you hire that maid to live up to Biblical values, why not go for a cute one? Make your meals adorable as well, by forming the meatloaf into a Winnie the Pooh or the birthday cake into a likeness of Snoopy.
These are simple, inexpensive, and non-invasive steps you can take right NOW to improve your health and vitality. As for me, having just looked at about 30 pages of cuteness, I think I have been exposed to much more than the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of cuteness and might need an insulin shot.
Monday, November 12, 2012
The iPotty
I know what you are thinking.
You are rolling your eyes and imagining that I am going to fill this space with juvenile potty humor.
This just goes to show how narrow minded YOU are.
Actually I am going to fill this space with sophisticated, adult potty humor.
In many countries when you go to the toilet, you can expect to find one basic model everywhere. In the US, for example, the "American Standard" is common – both in private dwellings and in public restrooms.
As I have written before, Japan has started a revolution in toilets. Despite this, however, when you go to a public restroom, you never know just what point on the toilet evolutionary scale you will encounter. It could be an old fashioned "squat pot", a simple Western-style toilet, or a fancy washing toilet with all the "bells and whistles". It's better than the old days when public facilities often did not have any toilet paper, but you still go through emotional ups and downs, walking to the restroom, anticipating one thing but finding another.
Although the range of toilets is greater in public restrooms, you can still be surprised at private homes. A visit to a friend's house provided just that sort of experience. A fairly wealthy family, they had recently installed a top-of-the-line appliance in their downstairs restroom.
I walked into the small room (only a toilet and a tiny sink) and was surprised by the top lid springing open – a gaping mouth ready to take a bite out of me! The toilet left the seat part of the toilet down, however, not being smart enough to determine that I was a guy and why I was in there. I had to raise the seat by hand, but it didn't seem to like me doing that (I found out later that there is a button for that function) and fought with me over raising the seat. Perhaps it was questioning my gender.
I finished what I came into the restroom to do and politely closed the seat and the lid. The toilet automatically flushed itself. I turned to the sink to wash my hands, and I must have moved my arms too much, because the toilet lid sprang open again, staring malevolently at me with its built-in LED light. I quickly closed it, and the appliance fastidiously flushed again.
The next morning, I needed to use the toilet for a more "significant" purpose. The lid jumped open as I entered the room, but I didn't need to fight with the toilet to raise the seat.
I sat down, completed my mission, and glanced at the control panel on the wall next to me. This is called a "stick remote control". Please have a look at the link above, so you can see how confounding a control it is. The large round buttons on the vertical portion of the controller are from left to right:
Butt Bidet
OFF Water Pressure Washing Position Clean
Soft Wide Bidet Nozzle
The row of nine smaller buttons on the top of the controller are from left to right:
Big Small Eco Small Move Massage Power Smell Removal Dry
and
Open Lid Open Lid & Seat
Where do I start?
First of all, if you live in Japan, very quickly you learn that BIG and SMALL on the toilet flush-lever does not mean you need to gauge the size of your deposit and flush accordingly.
"Well, I DID have three burritos for dinner last night .... so.... big?"
No.
In Japanese "small" is "number 1" and "big" is "number 2", so that function on the remote was fairly clear. Eco Small probably means you would use less water. What I was worried about was "Move" and "Massage". The positioning of the washing nozzle is set by the large buttons on the front of the panel, so what would I be moving if I pressed the MOVE button? Might the whole toilet take me into another room? Or perhaps it was some sort of enema function that would "move" me in a different way. In any case, I wasn't going to experiment.
Also the button with BUTT on the top and SOFT on the bottom left me anxious. Controls with ranges of function usually have contrasting labels: High and Low, Strong and Weak, Front and Back. The contrast of BUTT and SOFT didn't seem to have anything to do with the human body.
And what about the MASSAGE button? I really wanted to know exactly what part of my anatomy the toilet was going to massage before I pushed it.
The toilets I am accustomed to have only basic wash functions, so I restricted my cleaning efforts to those. I stood up, closed the lid, and the toilet dutifully flushed for me.
Once again, while I was washing my hands, the lid snapped open as if to say, "Did you finish your business? Are you SURE?!"
I closed it and as I left the room, I could hear it fussily flushing itself again.
The technology has gotten increasingly complex. Early washing toilets had only a wash and a bidet function (I have NO idea why you would need both, but I have a very limited imagination). These have evolved into toilets which do things for you that you didn't know you needed done. The future obviously will bring even better facilities, perhaps with richer interactive functions that we can program like cars to "read" us as individuals and do unto us as we would do unto ourselves in many different ways, while treating other people completely differently.
Talk about a brave new world.....
You are rolling your eyes and imagining that I am going to fill this space with juvenile potty humor.
This just goes to show how narrow minded YOU are.
Actually I am going to fill this space with sophisticated, adult potty humor.
In many countries when you go to the toilet, you can expect to find one basic model everywhere. In the US, for example, the "American Standard" is common – both in private dwellings and in public restrooms.
As I have written before, Japan has started a revolution in toilets. Despite this, however, when you go to a public restroom, you never know just what point on the toilet evolutionary scale you will encounter. It could be an old fashioned "squat pot", a simple Western-style toilet, or a fancy washing toilet with all the "bells and whistles". It's better than the old days when public facilities often did not have any toilet paper, but you still go through emotional ups and downs, walking to the restroom, anticipating one thing but finding another.
Although the range of toilets is greater in public restrooms, you can still be surprised at private homes. A visit to a friend's house provided just that sort of experience. A fairly wealthy family, they had recently installed a top-of-the-line appliance in their downstairs restroom.
I walked into the small room (only a toilet and a tiny sink) and was surprised by the top lid springing open – a gaping mouth ready to take a bite out of me! The toilet left the seat part of the toilet down, however, not being smart enough to determine that I was a guy and why I was in there. I had to raise the seat by hand, but it didn't seem to like me doing that (I found out later that there is a button for that function) and fought with me over raising the seat. Perhaps it was questioning my gender.
I finished what I came into the restroom to do and politely closed the seat and the lid. The toilet automatically flushed itself. I turned to the sink to wash my hands, and I must have moved my arms too much, because the toilet lid sprang open again, staring malevolently at me with its built-in LED light. I quickly closed it, and the appliance fastidiously flushed again.
The next morning, I needed to use the toilet for a more "significant" purpose. The lid jumped open as I entered the room, but I didn't need to fight with the toilet to raise the seat.
I sat down, completed my mission, and glanced at the control panel on the wall next to me. This is called a "stick remote control". Please have a look at the link above, so you can see how confounding a control it is. The large round buttons on the vertical portion of the controller are from left to right:
Butt Bidet
OFF Water Pressure Washing Position Clean
Soft Wide Bidet Nozzle
The row of nine smaller buttons on the top of the controller are from left to right:
Big Small Eco Small Move Massage Power Smell Removal Dry
and
Open Lid Open Lid & Seat
Where do I start?
First of all, if you live in Japan, very quickly you learn that BIG and SMALL on the toilet flush-lever does not mean you need to gauge the size of your deposit and flush accordingly.
"Well, I DID have three burritos for dinner last night .... so.... big?"
No.
In Japanese "small" is "number 1" and "big" is "number 2", so that function on the remote was fairly clear. Eco Small probably means you would use less water. What I was worried about was "Move" and "Massage". The positioning of the washing nozzle is set by the large buttons on the front of the panel, so what would I be moving if I pressed the MOVE button? Might the whole toilet take me into another room? Or perhaps it was some sort of enema function that would "move" me in a different way. In any case, I wasn't going to experiment.
Also the button with BUTT on the top and SOFT on the bottom left me anxious. Controls with ranges of function usually have contrasting labels: High and Low, Strong and Weak, Front and Back. The contrast of BUTT and SOFT didn't seem to have anything to do with the human body.
And what about the MASSAGE button? I really wanted to know exactly what part of my anatomy the toilet was going to massage before I pushed it.
The toilets I am accustomed to have only basic wash functions, so I restricted my cleaning efforts to those. I stood up, closed the lid, and the toilet dutifully flushed for me.
Once again, while I was washing my hands, the lid snapped open as if to say, "Did you finish your business? Are you SURE?!"
I closed it and as I left the room, I could hear it fussily flushing itself again.
The technology has gotten increasingly complex. Early washing toilets had only a wash and a bidet function (I have NO idea why you would need both, but I have a very limited imagination). These have evolved into toilets which do things for you that you didn't know you needed done. The future obviously will bring even better facilities, perhaps with richer interactive functions that we can program like cars to "read" us as individuals and do unto us as we would do unto ourselves in many different ways, while treating other people completely differently.
Talk about a brave new world.....
Monday, November 5, 2012
The Proper Labels
Once again Japanese gangs, yakuza, have slithered into the news. In Fukuoka on the southern island of Kyushu, the problem of gang-extortion and violence has gotten out of control. Naturally, the ever-alert National Police Agency (NPA) needs to have new weapons at its disposal to combat this rise in crime and disruption of peaceful commerce.
I am sure you are imagining the creation of new SWAT teams, delivery of armored vehicles, or issuance of shotguns or other heavy weapons to the cop on the beat, but in fact – this being Japan – the steps involve new labels, and stickers on restaurant and bar windows.
Someone needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic new turn in law enforcement direction, so once again I donned my investigative journalism hat and roamed out into the streets to see for myself what was going on. A Hard-Hitting News Hound needs to get out in the streets and rub shoulders with the street people to keep his fingers on the pulse of the streets in order to do proper reporting.
Nothing was going on in the streets.
Part of the reason for this is that I live in a rural area hundreds of kilometers from the gang problem in Fukuoka.
I needed to take other steps.
I contacted my connections at the NPA and arranged another interview with one of the officers involved with handling gang activities.
The assistant showed me into his office.
Captain Kanarazu Taiho: Please sit down.... Wait a minute... weren't you here before?
HHNH (me): Uh... yes... I talked to you in September?
Capt. Taiho: So what is it now?
HHNH: I wanted to ask you about the new anti-gang policies the NPA has instituted recently.
Capt. Taiho: (pulling a non-filter cigarette from the pack and tapping it on his Zippo lighter) Didn't you ask me about that last time?
HHNH: Yes, but last time was about the designation of gangs... you know... labeling them as gangs so that the police could deal with them?
Capt. Taiho: So? What now? (he keeps tamping his cigarette on the lighter)
HHNH: So, I wondered what the recent police activity was about. The gangs have been officially designated already, so why is there a problem in Fukuoka with arresting them when they break the law?
Capt Taiho (putting the cigarette into his mouth): You really have no clue about law enforcement, do you? (he lights the cigarette dramatically and flicks the Zippo lighter closed with a flair) There are ordinary gangs out there, but there are also very violent gangs who enter legitimate establishments and threaten the owners and extort money and so on... it's very serious.
HHNH: Yes, it sounds really bad... so why don't you arrest them?
Capt Taiho (puffing out a huge cloud of smoke): Are you out of your mind? We can't arrest gangsters who are labeled only as common gangsters when they are out of control and acting violently? They need a special classification! Where have YOU been?
HHNH: But... I mean... well... if they are breaking the law, can't you arrest them for that?
Capt Taiho: HAHAHAHA!!! I really like talking to you... and now I remember why! You are a foreigner and have NO IDEA what we do here in the National Police Agency. I read about your country's police... they just rush in and shoot the gangsters, but here in Japan (he made it sound like a bastion of civilization against the onslaught of barbarism), we just don't do that.
HHNH: So... from what I read in the papers, it sounds like you needed to reclassify some of the gangsters?
Capt. Taiho: So you ARE paying attention! Yes! We absolutely had to go back and look at our lists of gangs and reclassify some of them as "violent gangsters".
HHNH: And what difference did that make? I mean... if they break the law and all... why not just arrest them?
Capt. Taiho: YOU MORON! (he spit his cigarette onto the floor) Do you not understand... (he got another cigarette from his pack and started tamping it on the lighter)... the least bit about police work? Let me give you an example (he looked up at the ceiling, lit his cigarette and started explaining as if to a person with broccoli-level intelligence). Suppose I tell you to go out and catch some fish.
HHNH: I can do that!
Capt. Taiho: No doubt. But suppose that the fish we really need caught is only one type, say mackerel. You would come back with arm-loads of fish but not one mackerel among them!
HHNH: But if all the fish were ba...
Capt. Taiho: NO!!! It's important to label the really bad ones and weed them from the others!
HHNH: I see... then after they are labeled, how will you stop the mackerel from going into the various restaurants and other establishments and extorting money and so on?
Capt. Taiho: You didn't read about that? You missed the main point! When it comes to serious crime, the NPA will not hesitate to take drastic action! We have issued stickers* to EVERY business in the eating and drinking areas of Fukuoka.
HHNH: Er... stickers?
Capt. Taiho: Of course stickers! These are not just any old stickers, no... these will turn away violent gangsters. They have the emblem of the National Police Agency on them!
HHNH: I see... kind of like holding up a cross at a vampire?
Capt. Taiho: What are you talking about? There are no vampires in Japan.
HHNH: Um... so NPA policy is to "scare" the most violent members of organized criminal gangs away by putting stickers on the windows of restaurants and other establishments?
Capt. Taiho: (looking very smug and blowing smoke out through his nostrils) Exactly! In short order, we can expect a decrease in the number of violent gang members entering these establishments and conducting illegal business such as extortion.
HHNH: It's amazing what the NPA can accomplish with such seemingly small measures and at a very reasonable cost too!
Capt. Taiho: Yes! We here at the National Police Agency take our stewardship of the public's resources very seriously. Relabeling the worst of the gangsters and placing stickers in every window in the night-life districts is an efficient and cost-effective way of dealing with the problem of organized crime in Japan.
HHNH: Well... thank you very much for your time, Captain.
Capt. Taiho: It was my pleasure. I am always happy to explain the policies and practices of Japan's efficient and effective police force to members of the foreign press. Your country's police could learn some lessons from us, you know!
HHNH: Yes, no doubt. I will write a letter to the FBI. Maybe they can come up with some cool stickers that will scare off the gang-bangers and the drug gangs in the US.
Capt. Taiho: Excellent idea! Good luck. You know the way out.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Sticker translation: "Gang Members Prohibited"
I am sure you are imagining the creation of new SWAT teams, delivery of armored vehicles, or issuance of shotguns or other heavy weapons to the cop on the beat, but in fact – this being Japan – the steps involve new labels, and stickers on restaurant and bar windows.
Someone needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic new turn in law enforcement direction, so once again I donned my investigative journalism hat and roamed out into the streets to see for myself what was going on. A Hard-Hitting News Hound needs to get out in the streets and rub shoulders with the street people to keep his fingers on the pulse of the streets in order to do proper reporting.
Nothing was going on in the streets.
Part of the reason for this is that I live in a rural area hundreds of kilometers from the gang problem in Fukuoka.
I needed to take other steps.
I contacted my connections at the NPA and arranged another interview with one of the officers involved with handling gang activities.
The assistant showed me into his office.
Captain Kanarazu Taiho: Please sit down.... Wait a minute... weren't you here before?
HHNH (me): Uh... yes... I talked to you in September?
Capt. Taiho: So what is it now?
HHNH: I wanted to ask you about the new anti-gang policies the NPA has instituted recently.
Capt. Taiho: (pulling a non-filter cigarette from the pack and tapping it on his Zippo lighter) Didn't you ask me about that last time?
HHNH: Yes, but last time was about the designation of gangs... you know... labeling them as gangs so that the police could deal with them?
Capt. Taiho: So? What now? (he keeps tamping his cigarette on the lighter)
HHNH: So, I wondered what the recent police activity was about. The gangs have been officially designated already, so why is there a problem in Fukuoka with arresting them when they break the law?
Capt Taiho (putting the cigarette into his mouth): You really have no clue about law enforcement, do you? (he lights the cigarette dramatically and flicks the Zippo lighter closed with a flair) There are ordinary gangs out there, but there are also very violent gangs who enter legitimate establishments and threaten the owners and extort money and so on... it's very serious.
HHNH: Yes, it sounds really bad... so why don't you arrest them?
Capt Taiho (puffing out a huge cloud of smoke): Are you out of your mind? We can't arrest gangsters who are labeled only as common gangsters when they are out of control and acting violently? They need a special classification! Where have YOU been?
HHNH: But... I mean... well... if they are breaking the law, can't you arrest them for that?
Capt Taiho: HAHAHAHA!!! I really like talking to you... and now I remember why! You are a foreigner and have NO IDEA what we do here in the National Police Agency. I read about your country's police... they just rush in and shoot the gangsters, but here in Japan (he made it sound like a bastion of civilization against the onslaught of barbarism), we just don't do that.
HHNH: So... from what I read in the papers, it sounds like you needed to reclassify some of the gangsters?
Capt. Taiho: So you ARE paying attention! Yes! We absolutely had to go back and look at our lists of gangs and reclassify some of them as "violent gangsters".
HHNH: And what difference did that make? I mean... if they break the law and all... why not just arrest them?
Capt. Taiho: YOU MORON! (he spit his cigarette onto the floor) Do you not understand... (he got another cigarette from his pack and started tamping it on the lighter)... the least bit about police work? Let me give you an example (he looked up at the ceiling, lit his cigarette and started explaining as if to a person with broccoli-level intelligence). Suppose I tell you to go out and catch some fish.
HHNH: I can do that!
Capt. Taiho: No doubt. But suppose that the fish we really need caught is only one type, say mackerel. You would come back with arm-loads of fish but not one mackerel among them!
HHNH: But if all the fish were ba...
Capt. Taiho: NO!!! It's important to label the really bad ones and weed them from the others!
HHNH: I see... then after they are labeled, how will you stop the mackerel from going into the various restaurants and other establishments and extorting money and so on?
Capt. Taiho: You didn't read about that? You missed the main point! When it comes to serious crime, the NPA will not hesitate to take drastic action! We have issued stickers* to EVERY business in the eating and drinking areas of Fukuoka.
HHNH: Er... stickers?
Capt. Taiho: Of course stickers! These are not just any old stickers, no... these will turn away violent gangsters. They have the emblem of the National Police Agency on them!
HHNH: I see... kind of like holding up a cross at a vampire?
Capt. Taiho: What are you talking about? There are no vampires in Japan.
HHNH: Um... so NPA policy is to "scare" the most violent members of organized criminal gangs away by putting stickers on the windows of restaurants and other establishments?
Capt. Taiho: (looking very smug and blowing smoke out through his nostrils) Exactly! In short order, we can expect a decrease in the number of violent gang members entering these establishments and conducting illegal business such as extortion.
HHNH: It's amazing what the NPA can accomplish with such seemingly small measures and at a very reasonable cost too!
Capt. Taiho: Yes! We here at the National Police Agency take our stewardship of the public's resources very seriously. Relabeling the worst of the gangsters and placing stickers in every window in the night-life districts is an efficient and cost-effective way of dealing with the problem of organized crime in Japan.
HHNH: Well... thank you very much for your time, Captain.
Capt. Taiho: It was my pleasure. I am always happy to explain the policies and practices of Japan's efficient and effective police force to members of the foreign press. Your country's police could learn some lessons from us, you know!
HHNH: Yes, no doubt. I will write a letter to the FBI. Maybe they can come up with some cool stickers that will scare off the gang-bangers and the drug gangs in the US.
Capt. Taiho: Excellent idea! Good luck. You know the way out.
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*Sticker translation: "Gang Members Prohibited"
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