A Christmas Story

Christmas.
Doesn't it just conjure up a whole flood of memories and feelings for you?
Me too.
I want you to envision those nativity scenes, the creches, that you have seen throughout your life. Can you picture them?
Mary, the center of the scene, the baby Jesus lying in a manger, the wise men with their gifts, the sheep and their shepherds, Joseph benignly looking on from behind... can you see it?
Hold that thought and then sing along with me... no... really... sing along with feeling for the Christmas season (unless your religion forbids it, in which case just sit there and scroll down).
Sigh-a-lent night
Hoe-a-lee night
All is calm
All is bright
Round yon vir-er-gin, mother, and child
hoe-a-lee infant so tender and mild...
OK, you can stop there.
Quick question. Which one is the virgin?
I am guessing Joseph.
So, there he is, looking down on his betrothed who has given birth to a baby that is not his!
And (yes, I have contacts and spies everywhere) in the spirit of Wikileaks, I bring you the actual recorded (by hand) conversation between Mary and Joseph about the baby Jesus thing. And – no – I will not reveal my sources.
. . . . . . . . . .
Mary: Joseph?
Um...
I have something I need to talk with you about.
Joseph: Oh yeah? What?
I've been changing my loincloth everyday now, you know, and I took out the garbage already....
Mary: No no... it's not that... um... it's hard to explain really... but... an angel of the lord appeared to me the other night, and said that I would become pregnant. (nervous laughter....)
Joseph: But we are not married yet and have made the purity pledge. How could you get pregnant?
Mary: (nervous titter) Well... um... I am not sure... the angel didn't say. He only said I was pregnant.
Joseph: He? You ARE pregnant? Like, right NOW?!
Wait.... wait... I don't understand. What's going on here?
Mary: Well... this angel appeared to me in a dream the other night, and ...um... he said that I would become pregnant by the Holy Spirit.
Joseph: By the Holy Spirit.... right...
Tell me a little more about this angel... what did he look like exactly? He didn't look like Benjamin, that stone worker next door, did he?
Mary: No... he was bathed in light... He said that the Holy Spirit would make me with child.
Joseph: The Holy Spirit.... uh huh...
I heard from Esther that Benjamin was coming around here a lot when I was away on that kitchen-cabinet project in Tiberias for a couple of weeks last month.
Mary: Oh! That? (nervous laughter)
Um... he came over because the drains were plugged up, and I couldn't get them to flow properly...
Joseph: And that took how many times to fix?
Esther said he was hanging around almost all the time.
Mary: No! Not ALL the time.... He was...
Joseph: And now you're pregnant.
Mary: Yes...
Joseph: By a Holy Spirit...
Mary: Yes...
Joseph: As told to you by an angel...
Mary: Yes...
Joseph: ... who appeared to you in a dream.
Mary: Yes...
Joseph: ... bathed in light.
Mary: Yes...?
Joseph: Makes sense to me. What's for dinner?
Mary: It does?
I mean...
Oh! We're having roast mutton for dinner... your favorite.
Joseph: Cool! I'm starved!

Merry Christmas to all my readers and best wishes for a brilliant New Year!
(no post this Monday)

Kitty Collector

Years ago when in graduate school, we lived in a log cabin in the woods. An idyllic place it was – surrounded by forest and plenty of wildlife: deer, pheasant, rabbits and the occasional possum or raccoon. We heated our house with a Franklin stove. Since the cabin was only one large room, the wood-fired Franklin was enough to get us through the cold Pennsylvania winters. Our cats, Sumi and Ollie, liked it too.
Both of them were black cats, and they would recline in front of the stove, basking in the warmth. Ollie in particular would lie on the ottoman directly facing the fire and get so hot we would need potholders to move him.
That inspired this fantastic invention which I would like to share with you today. In our rapidly warming world, anything we can do as individuals to reduce our carbon footprint will make a big difference to our children and grandchildren, or other people's children and grandchildren (if you don't have any of your own, or are gay), or to future generations in general (if you don't like to think about these global issues in personal terms), or to my child and potential grandchildren (if you don't really care about this issue at all).
Anyway. The fact that cats soak up radiation makes them passive heat collectors. I noticed it today. We had a rare bit of sunshine streaming into our windows this afternoon, and both of our cats found the spots which received the most solar energy and stretched out for a nap. When they got too warm, they moved to a cooler part of the house.
Can you see what I am getting at? Cats are effective heat absorbers AND provide their own thermostatic control and circulation system.
So here's the plan. Build a solarium onto the side of your house. If you do not have room for a full-sized solarium, even a bank of south-facing windows will do the trick. Next, get some cats. I think somewhere between 30 and 50 would probably do the trick, depending on the size of your house. That would guarantee that while some of them were in the cooler parts of the house, radiating their heat, others would be in the sun, absorbing more. This would be the perfect system for those areas that get plenty of sun but that are still very cold in winter, the high desert, for example.
"But what if there is no sun," You ask?
An excellent question! (In fact I have been impressed by the quality of your questions right along!) Since cats can absorb heat from any radiant source, you could use a wood stove, an oil heater, a heat lamp or any other source that provides radiant heat that cats like to be near. They will – of their own volition – carry this heat to the corners of your house, keeping you toasty throughout the winter.
What better way to make an energy efficient, low carbon-footprint contribution to the future of our planet. Getting the cats off the streets and keeping them away from delinquency would be a positive thing too.

Tabloid Scoop!

Sent by an alert reader, and following the truth revealed in Men In Black that tabloid news is real news (John Edwards scandal, for example).

Kim Jong Il's Psychiatrist

As I am sure many of you are aware, Kim Jong Il (the leader of North Korea, in case you have not been paying attention) had a Japanese chef who spilled the beans on the Dear Leader's behavior. Incredible as it might sound, through my clandestine sources, I have received a transcript of a visit made by Kim Jong Il to his personal psychologist. I present it to you here (in the spirit of Wikileaks) unedited and in its entirety.
(This has been transcribed from a recording originally in Korean and translated into English.)
Doctor's voice: (clearing of throat) Today is Monday, November 29th, time is 15:00 Subject name: er... Dear Leader. Session number (sound of papers shuffling) 734.
(cut in sound)
Doctor: Please sit down Dear Leader, make yourself comfortable.
DL: I am SO angry! I am just so angry!
Dr: What is it this time? I mean... what seems to be the particular thing that is bothering you today?
DL: I had a meeting with the Generals, about making my son the next leader of our country, and we spent the WHOLE TIME talking about medals and fat! It is hopeless.
Dr: Medals and fat? (sound of pencil writing)
Why don't you have a seat?
DL: Yes! The generals don't want my son to have more medals than they do, and everyone thinks my son is fat! He is working out to trim down, and I just think their focus on his weight is a challenge to me! They snicker about him behind my back. I am NOT handing out any more medals for a while. They just don't deserve them!
Dr: Surely this is not something you need to fret about so much? The Young General will come into his own in due time. And anyway, he's nowhere near as fat as your oldest son. Now HE has really let himself go.
DL: Don't even MENTION him to me. I was SO embarrassed when he got caught trying to sneak into Japan to go to Disneyland.
Dr: Why not sit down? Have one of these bon bons; they're your favorite brandy ones.
(sound of rustling wrappers)
Dr: Now tell me more about your son.
DL: The generals don't want my son. I can just FEEL it. I need to start a war or something to get them out of my hair!
Dr: Your hair? Interesting comment... (sound of pencil writing)
Maybe you should not eat ALL of the bon bons, Dear Leader... think about your health. Have a seat.... please.
DL: I am so sick of their plotting. What would this country be without ME?! Just read my biography!
Dr: Yes, yes... I have read it. I read the brief one. How could they squeeze your life into only 144 pages!
DL: Do you think I should have them make it longer?
Dr: Er... I didn't mean that... um... anyway... go on?
DL: Did you read the part where I "aroused the workers at the textile factory"(p.11) ?
Dr: Yes, I am sure I did. You have had a remarkable career! No question about it. It will be impossible for anyone to fill your boots, I am sure.
Have a seat.
DL: What do you mean impossible? My son, Jong un, has to be ready to take over in a year or two. My health is not what it used to be.
Dr: I am sure he will do just fine, especially if he trims down as you say and stops looking like he has eaten all the food in the country.
DL: Now YOU are starting to sound like the generals! Get some more bon bons.
Dr: Yes, um... here. (sound of a box being opened)
Now... tell me more about the plot against you.
DL: Well... like at every single mass parade and event everyone applauds for me, right? This time the generals didn't applaud so much. They were trying... TRYING to appear half-hearted. I could tell. And also, I think they were behind the release of that photo of me at the beer party the other day. I wondered what that can of our People's Beer was doing there! I bet the camera was hidden inside it. I will deal with THEM! Let me tell you!
Dr: (sound of stifled laughter) Yes, I saw... er... I heard about that. Of course, I don't get the internet here in my office or at home.
DL: I am telling YOU! Everyone should do what I want. I am tired of this not-so-subtle, behind-the-scenes plotting and messing with MY agenda!
Dr: Yes, I can understand that. Don't you want to sit down?
DL: No more bon bons?
Dr: Um... no, that was the last box.
DL: I will see you again next week. Get more of those bon bons.
Dr: Yes Dear Leader.
DL: And when my son comes in for his session tomorrow, work on his weight issues. He has to LOOK like a general if he wants to take over from me!
Dr: I will do what I can, Dear Leader.
(cut in sound)
Dr: (clearing throat) Evaluation of subject: I am calling this a clear-cut case of NPD. He ate all my bon bons! Where am I going to get more? I had to have those smuggled in from Europe in the diplomatic pouch! Oops, this is still on...
(cut in sound)
. . . . . . . . .
Breaking News
This just in:
The Dear Leader Looking at Things

Cricket 101

Today we are going to take a fascinating look at cricket. I am sure that all of you are aware of this stimulating game and are eager to find out more about it, so you can make sense of the news reports as I do on a regular, even daily basis! (Yes, I am actually THAT cool.)
A good place to start – for those of you who do not regularly read the cricket news – is to quote from the Daily Yomiuri newspaper, an English-language paper published by a major Japanese news organization. This is from the Saturday, December 4th edition. I will explain everything later in "layman's terms".
(these are actual quotes)
First the headline:
Australia Dismissed for Dreary 245 to Start 2nd Test
Then some key points:
Play started in an incredible fashion when Jonathon Trott threw down the stumps from mid-wicket to run out Katich, who did not face a ball.
The excitement builds:
Hussey and Marcus North then made comfortable, if unspectacular, progress before the latter was dismissed for 26 when he nicked a Steven Finn delivery behind while attempting to guide the ball to third man.
Later in the game:
Swan bowled 23 overs in an uninterrupted session either side of tea before making the key breakthrough later in the third session, prompting Hussey to edge to Paul Collingwood at slip.
The explanation:
Now I know that all of you want to be able to read the above as I do and completely understand what it is they are writing about. There are some key things to be aware of that will help you to understand cricket reports.
1. They are written in English. Yes. This may seem doubtful as you read the sentences above, but apparently this is English.
2. There are some vocabulary items you need to remember in order to understand cricket. As I am totally "up" on cricket AND (lucky you) an English teacher, I can list and define them below:
First the headline:
dismissed = sent to the closet for time out
dreary = actually not bad, but we want to look down on them because they are Australian
Key points:
(to) throw down the stumps = (to) throw down the stumps (duh)
mid-wicket = not the top nor the bottom part of the wicket – just the middle bit. On a cow, this would be the sirloin. (If I could draw a picture I would, believe me.)
(to) not face a ball = (to) not look at that part of the cow we call "rocky mountain oysters"... or is that sheep... something like that. :-)
Then we move to the next part of the match. This requires some serious glossing for the "lay person" to understand.
(to) nick a delivery behind = er... this ties into the condom thing with the Pope and all. If he is wearing a condom it's ok, but if not... then he must be "dismissed" (see above).
(to) guide the ball to third man = this is something we cannot talk about on a "family blog" like this. Take it from me; you don't want to know.
Later in the Game:
(to) bowl overs = this is a euphemism for other things we cannot mention on a "family blog" like this one. Maybe I can rephrase it in a more acceptable way? Let's see... you know the expression "(to) bowl (someone) over"? In cricket, it is similar in meaning except you do things that require the wearing of a condom (unless you are the Pope), if you want to score a point. I hope I have not offended you. I really do try to keep this a "family blog".
either side of tea = I actually have no idea about this. Do they get to choose which side? If it is both sides, why don't they say "both sides of tea"? And what does tea have to do with it anyway. It must be a euphemism for something; I just don't know what!
(to) edge (someone) at slip = This one is complicated. You see, some members of the team have to cross-dress. These are the ones who wear slips and who also "bowl overs" (if you get my drift). If a non-cross-dressing player edges one of their slips s/he gets a point unless it is "nicked from behind" without a condom. In that case, s/he loses a point.
And that's it!
Now that you know the basic vocabulary, you are all set to start reading the cricket news! Of course we could not cover all the items in this short lesson, but if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!

The Papal Condomnundrum

Even theologians around the world are trying to decipher what the Pope meant by his recent statements regarding condom use, so for us lay people it is not immediately transparent what he had in mind.
Let's see if we can sum it up in an easy-to-understand, question and answer format. You lay people can ask the questions, and I will answer them. Ready?
Question: Did the Pope say that people can use condoms now?
Answer: If by "people" you mean "anyone", no.
Q: Then who CAN use condoms?
A: Male prostitutes who are HIV positive.
Q: Any male prostitute who is HIV positive?
A: No. Only HIV positive, male prostitutes who are engaged in homosexual activities.
Q: Why would a male prostitute who was HIV positive but having heterosexual sex not be covered under this religious plan?
A: It is Church doctrine that birth control is immoral because it stands in the way of conception, so if a male prostitute was having heterosexual sex, the door (so to speak) to procreation should be left open.
Q: But that would infect his client with HIV, wouldn't it?
A: Tough luck.
Q: Why would the Church support infecting heterosexuals with HIV but allow homosexuals to avoid this "punishment"?
A: Nobody really knows. The Church believes that homosexuality is "objectively disordered", so you would think that they would support (as some religious groups do) the spread of HIV among the gay population, letting them get AIDS as a kind of punishment for their behavior . But in this case, the Pope seems to have taken the opposite view. He may be hiding something.
Q: Do you think the Pope has thought this through carefully?
A: No, I think the Pope is an idiot.
Q: Let me ask another question... what if the male is not HIV positive but is worried that his partner is, can he wear a condom in that case?
A: That is a very good question. I assume you are thinking of a scenario of some sort here?
Q: Yes, I was wondering what if – say – a Catholic priest was molesting the men in his congregation, would it be OK for him to wear a condom, so that he would not be exposed to whatever sexually transmitted diseases his victims might have?
A: Apparently not. The Pope focused his comments on "first act of responsibility" and "thinking about the other person", so since the priest would be selfishly thinking only of himself, he would not be able to wear a condom.
Q: What if the "male" wasn't a prostitute, but only a regular, gay guy who happened to be HIV positive? Would it be OK for him to wear a condom?
A: No. The Catholic Church believes that "being" gay is not a sin, but acting out on it is, so it would not matter whether he wore a condom or not. He is supposed to be chaste.
Q: But just in case... what if he couldn't ... um ... manage to be chaste at that time, would it be OK for him to wear a condom?
A: What you are suggesting is related to lust. The Roman Catholic Church does not approve of lust. So the answer is NO! NO! NO! NO! Hello?
Q: I am right here! ... no need to shout... sheesh... What about lesbians... they don't need condoms but they might be infected with HIV for some reason.... can they have sex with condoms, just in case?
A: Yes. Lesbians are free to put condoms on dildos and whatnot as there is no obstacle to procreation.
Q: How about everyday lay people... is there anyway that we can use condoms?
A: Yes! They can be used as balloons at birthday parties and bar mitzvahs etc. They are very good for that.
Q: What does it actually mean when we are called "lay people"?
A: It means that the Catholic Church can pretty much do whatever it wants to us, so long as it does not wear a condom.

Herbivore Government

I am sure all of you are aware of the territorial conflict between Japan and China over a bunch of tiny islands (Senkaku Shoto in Japanese, Diaoyu in Chinese, and Unchbay Ofay Inytay Islandsay in Pig Latin). Recently this friction over the islands came to a boiling point when a Chinese fishing boat rammed a Japanese Coast Guard vessel which was trying to make that fishing boat stop for illegal entry into Japanese waters.
The Chinese ship was captured, and its crew and captain held in Japan until finally the Japanese let them all go without so much as an apology or compensation from the Chinese government. A video was taken of the Chinese fishing vessel's actions, but it was not released by the Japanese government which was worried that it was too provocative towards the Chinese. The recording was eventually leaked by a Japanese Coast Guard officer (see it here), giving rise to a lot of domestic criticism of the Japanese government for caving in to Chinese pressure.
Yes, it's the herbivore problem at the national level. Forget the samurai legacy, the rip-snorting aggressiveness of old, Japanese leaders have become herbivores.
"Why have they become herbivores," you ask? That is an excellent and timely question! Thank you for asking.
The reason is their wives.
"WHAT?!" You query. "How could their wives have ANYTHING to do with Prime Ministers being herbivores?"
That is also an excellent and timely question. (Please see me after class; I think we should discuss your future as an academic.)
Most Japanese Prime Ministers are – how shall I put this delicately – freaking old. The average age of the last 10 PMs is 63 years old, and they include some of the youngest PMs ever. This also means their wives are older too.
Older women, in their efforts to retain their youthful appearance, use more creams and unguents, some of which have hormones in them. These hormones have been cited as a cause for – shall we say – "unusual" developments in pets. If even pets are changed by their exposure to their owners' creams, imagine what sort of "evolutions" might be caused to the spouses.
"Oh, come on! Surely Japanese Prime Ministers are not hormonized into being herbivores by their wives," you say!
You are not paying attention. Who was the last Japanese PM who had a reputation as an alpha-politician? Koizumi Junichiro. And why was he not a herbivore? He is single!
That is not all. Check out the previous PM, Hatoyama. If he does not have "herbivore" written all over him, I don't know who does!
"But what about the present PM," you ask?
Once again, a timely and pertinent question.
The present PM who would not allow the video of the Chinese fishing vessel ramming Japanese Coast Guard ships to be released, and who sent back captain and crew without conditions is perhaps one of the herbivoriest of recent PMs in Japan, but his fashions are typical politician fuddy-duddy; no indication there.
The key in his case is his wife. You see, he married his first cousin, a marriage that was opposed by both families. So clearly, he married for love rather than for political or other advantages. We can assume that this means that his wife has been touching him more than most political wives touch their hubbies, so the spread of balm-carried hormones is stronger.
"What should be done about this problem," you ask?
Once again, I must commend you on your timely and almost prescient questions!
There is only one solution. The PMs must stop having any physical contact with their wives (or pets). Only through this drastic measure can Japanese leaders regain their testosterone levels and act as manly men in the world arena.

How to Develop Your Country

I am sorry for the amount of reading you need to do to get to my point. At least it is not about North Korea! Count your blessings!
. . . . . . . . . .

Max Weber (Max Weber in English, Mahx Veyber in German and Axmay Ayberway in Pig Latin) is a famous sociologist. Take my word for it or don't... whichever. (You clicked that, didn't you! You DON'T trust me!! We will have to talk about this later... grr.)
His theory was that capitalism and the rise of Western Power came from the Protestant Ethic. He felt that the unique developments of Western Civilization as realized by the Renaissance and the breaking away from the Roman Catholic Church (and all their creepy priests!) was the impetus behind Western Cultural Ascendancy and Power.
This is an interesting take on history. Take my word for it or not. It does have one little weakness. Good Ol' Max died in 1920. Which means it cannot explain why Japan also rose to the top of the economic heap.
In other words, he was wrong.
I apologize in advance for this, but we have to do some math. Yes, it does involve "carrying numbers", but I think they will all be easy to carry. First of all, we need to understand which countries are developed. Check out this graph and data. In fact, China has surpassed Japan in GDP – just last year. Nonetheless, Japan ranks right up there in economic power along with the US (population of more than 300 million) and China (population of more than 1.3 billion). America is the most salient feature (dare I say) of Western Civilization. Let's not talk about food and so on here; I mean in economic and political power – Max Weber goodies. China has also come along strongly in recent years (we will get back to that), but still lags behind in some key ways. But look at Japan!
Japan has about one third the population of the US and only 10% of China's population but is keeping pace across the economic board! (China, on the other hand, even surpassing Japan on the totals, comes in dismally short on the population averages.) (Am I boring you yet?)
So... How is it that Japan, a non-Western Country (no Protestantism, and definitely no Renaissance), has managed to accomplish this incredible feat?
Toilets.
Yes, you read that correctly, toilets.
There are basically two types of toilet on our planet: the "squat pot", and the other, the sit pot.
If you draw a lines around our planet, dividing the squat pot users from the sit pot ones, you will see a clear and definitive line dividing the developed and less-developed worlds.
No, I am not making this up.
Look at Europe. On the northern side of the Bosphoros and Dardenelles the sit pot reigns, but when you cross into Turkey, the squat pot is the norm (though they have been changing a LOT of late in hopes of getting into the EU).
Yes, it is the sit toilet that accounts for the West's rise to prominence, not the Protestant ethic or the Renaissance or whatever it was that earlier socio-philosophers were blathering about.
Something about installing a toilet that requires you to sit down rather than squat is what makes for the progress and development of modern societies. The famous statue, entitled "The Thinker", is a good example. Rodin obviously didn't carve the toilet into the statue, but he might well have.
Because, that's the point. If you use a squat pot, you are in and out, so to speak, but with a sit pot, there is a more philosophical, contemplative attitude. People keep magazines and other reading material in their toilets (Pterosaurish has even seen toilet paper with pithy sayings and whatnot written on it.)
It was this "time out", this meditative opportunity everyday that gave rise to the hyper-productivity of Western Civilization.
And, it also explains Japan. In the immediate post-war era, Japan (like the rest of Asia and most of China today) was dominated by the squat pot. Completely. But in its prodigious effort to develop and catch up with the West, Japan made a dramatic switch within a very short time frame. In 50 years, no less, Japan has gone from Squat Pot Dominant to Sit Pot Dominant and has even made significant contributions to the evolution of the sit pot with its "washlet-type toilets". They have done the West one better and – quite frankly – it shows. I am not saying that anal retention is what provides the impetus to development, but Japanese trains do run meticulously on time.
China, for its part, has been a hard charger of late, but their installation of sit toilets (never mind the toilet technology itself) lags behind. Worse, they seem more concerned about sending people into space and developing jet airplanes than the proliferation of what really matters: sit toilets.
Developing countries need only to concentrate on one thing: how many sit toilets can be installed around the country. Once most of the citizens are using them, the country will be on the edge of development and even first world leadership!

Cheering North Korea

I have been chastened by the Democratic People's whatever there in Korea.
I didn't think they cared.
But maybe I have been a little harsh on them of late.
I am sorry.
(And to the DPRK agents who abduct people from other countries: NO! I DO NOT LIVE IN SEATTLE! I LIVE IN IOWA! Yes, it is inland... rather far.)
So... thanks to others who have gotten on the NORTH KOREA IS COOL bandwagon, today I would just like to revel in good feelings towards that wonderful country which is led by such a cool guy, Kim Jong Il.
Link #1:
Get Down With The DPRK, everyone! GET DOWN GET DOWN!
Let me introduce you to the COOOOOL of the DPRK, folks! (and YOU thought they were benighted troglodytes! Anything BUT!)
What to Check Out:
1:14 Babes and MORE BABES! Can we get enough of them? NO WAY!
1:44 Check out the medals on those GEN.AIR.RALLS! Stepping out with GROOVE! Now THAT is serious military cred! (Pterosaurish was not making it up about the medal thing.... just to let you know)
1:53 OMG! The cheerleaders! And you KNOW who they are cheering for, right? YES! Your hero AND mine, Kim Jong Il! (and don't we just love his hairstyle?)
2:33 Is there a bigger turn on than goosestepping BABES? I cannot think of one.... (oh wait... maybe I can... if they were wearing leather and had thigh boots and had whips coiled at their hips, that might be better.)
And it is not just about BABES!! NO! Get into it you women! YES!! We have for you today;
0:05 Kim Jong Il himself! (Break out those pom poms you have hidden in your closets!)
and
1:30 check out that guy applauding... hot or NOT!? I am saying.. HOT!! YES!
and once again
2:16 My Hero and Yours, Good ol' Buddy Bud, KIM JONG IL!!! Does he rock or what?!
I think all of you have to agree with me that the Democratic whatever of North Korea is absolutely the most coolest place around. So, put your hands together and give it up for KIM JONG IL!! Yay! (I am applauding big time here... are you agents noticing?)
Link#2:
Let's look at the hopping scene in North Korea late at night when everyone is GETTING DOWN there in Pyongyang!! YAY!! It clearly is the bright spot in the country. YAY!! (Are all you agents noticing? I said, "Yay"... twice even!)
And for a final poignant tribute to your hero and, of course, mine, Dear Leader, I give you this charming, personal touch to remind us all that Kim Jong Il is really human after all. Yes... you can join with me in saying together, "Awwww!"

Dear Mr. Pterosaurish:
We appreciate your interest in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, and we also love your sense of humor. Ha. Ha.
Your latest blog-post, however, has gone too far. We do not know where you got the transcript for that meeting (see last week's post), but there are some glaring inaccuracies in your account that we would like to correct for the record.
First, General Paek was not even in attendance at that time. On that day, he was supervising the ostrich dancers in preparation for the mass games and parade. The lines you attribute to him were spoken by Gen. O Kuk-ryol. We hope you will correct this inaccuracy.
Second, you quoted Gen. Hyon as saying,"This is ridiculous! We cannot make this spoiled, fat blob a 4-Star General in our Army!" In fact, Gen. Hyon did not use the word "blob" at all! This is clearly a mistranslation. The word he used was "영점"(yeongjeom)! His meaning was more like "zero" or "goose". Please inform your readers immediately of this blatant error.
Thirdly, the Young General, Kim Jong-un, did not stick out his tongue at Gen. Paek, because as we mentioned earlier, Gen. Paek was not even at that meeting. He stuck out his tongue at Gen. O. Please correct this mistake. We hope that you will not be so cavalier in the future about checking your sources and the veracity of your posts!
Fourthly, you said that Jang Song-Thaek made comments that suggested that The Young General might not "work out". We would like to correct this misinterpretation of the transcript too. It is well known that Kim Jong-un, The Young General, has taken up an exercise program and is working out regularly! He is following Jillian Michael's body conditioning routine, and using the thigh master Gen. Paek gave him for his birthday last year!
Finally, you ended your post, suggesting that Our Heroic Dear Leader was crying. He most definitely was not! Our Dear Leader simply had a cold at that time, and was sniffling on account of it. He was not crying.
We here in the DPRK follow your blog closely, and we must say that we are not happy with the overall tone and general attitude you have taken towards our country and Our Dear Leader. The posts about "juche" completely distort the whole meaning of our Eternal President's analysis of our country's independent posture vis à vis the exploiter capitalist class and its running dogs, and the imperialists and their flunkeyist, puppet stooges. We here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea are not fat.
We request that in fairness you post this letter as our official response to your blog.
Sincerely,
Korean Central News Agency

Interim Report: Paul In Memoriam

It is with great sadness that I convey the news that Paul the Oracle Octopus of World Cup fame has passed away. He "passed away peacefully" at his home in Germany on the 26th of October.
He will be sadly missed.

North Korea Scoop!

Pterosaurish, living on the edge in the world of international intrigue and conspiracy, has received through clandestine sources the transcript of the meeting in which North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's son was elevated to "Young General", and made successor to Kim Jong Il in the seat of power. Here it is unedited in its entirety.
Jang Song taek (#2 man)
Hyon Chol-hae (top general)
Kim Kyong-hui (Kim Jong Il's sister)
Ri Yong-ho (top general)
Paek Sang-ho (3-Star general)
Kim Jong-Un (Kim Jong Il's son)

Kim Jong Il (KJI): OK... I have brought all of you here today to confirm what we discussed in the last meeting that my son here – Kim Jong-Un – will succeed me in power after I die.
General Hyon: How will we do this? Nobody knows anything about him.
KJI: First we will promote him to 4-Star General and have someone write a song about him.
Jang (#2 man): He has no military experience at all. I wonder what the army will think of this.
Gen. Paek (3-Star Gen): I can tell you that *I don't like the idea of him being promoted ahead of me! Look at all these medals on my uniform! He doesn't even have ONE medal! I should be promoted to 4-Star General and he to 3-Star General.
Gen. Hyon: Yes, I can understand your frustration, but this is only to make a name for the "Young General" so that he can succeed Dear Leader.
KJI: Yes, he would not have actual operational power in the army, Gen. Paek. He would simply be able to sit on the podium with you. Also, we need to give him some medals for his uniform too.
Kim Jong-Un (the son): I want lots of medals! I want a nice uniform too, one that makes me look slimmer. Do they have any uniforms with vertical stripes on the pants and sleeves? Vertical stripes have a slimming effect. And I want my medals to be big and shiny too. Maybe 8 rows of them? Also if the medals could be long and thin, they would...
KJI: Would you shut up! Enough of that stuff already!
Gen. Paek: If he gets more medals than I have, I will not accept his promotion at all!
KJI: Son? Take your thumb out of your mouth and stop that pouting. You cannot be a Young General and do that sort of thing.
Kim Kyong-hui (KJI's sister): All I can think of is how I used to grab Jong-un's chubby little cheeks when he was a boy. My how he has grown up... but I *still want to grab those chubby cheeks!
Jong-un: My cheeks are NOT chubby! Daddy! Tell her to stop saying my cheeks are chubby! I am NOT fat.
KJI: Sis! Will you lay off the boy!
And, Jong-un! I won't tell you again, you need to stop sucking your thumb like that!
Jong-un: But she said I was fat!
Gen. Hyon: This is ridiculous! We cannot make this spoiled, fat blob a 4-Star General in our Army!
Jong-un: I am NOT a fat blob! Stop calling me fat!
KJI: OK! OK! Can we at least decide on one thing? Let's call him "Young General"! We can work out the rank later. I will have him sit on the podium at the up-coming mass games and parade.
Gen. Paek: If he wears a uniform with medals, *I for one am NOT coming!
KJI: Jong-un! Sticking out your tongue at Gen. Paek is not helping at all! (audible sigh) OK... no uniform. Gen. Ri? You will sit between us on the podium.
Jong-un: I want some medals.
KJI: No medals this time, Jong-un. Is all this OK with you, Jang?
Jang: Yes. I think it will be fine to start out this way. We don't want to overdo it at first just in case the "Young General" doesn't work out.
KJI: What do you mean by that? Jong-un! How many times do I have to tell you about the thumb sucking!
Jang: Well, Dear Leader, after you are gone, the Young General might feel that he would rather do other things... you know... like go to Disneyland like his older brother tried to do.
KJI: Enough of that talk! Jong-un WILL succeed me! We will meet again after the mass games and parade to discuss this further. And don't mention Oldest Son to me again!
Jong-un: Next time I want a uniform with vertical stripes and lots of medals!
(audible crying... assumed to be Kim Jong Il.)

The Pterosaurish Diet: weigh yourself slim

I have written about dieting fads here and also about the growing (har!) obesity problem in the United States, but it's not enough to simply stand on the sidelines and carp; I need to get out there and DO something about it.
After careful and extensive research in which I examined a wide range of diets and healthy lifestyle scenarios, I think I have come up with the best way to lose weight. Our country (as you know from reading last week's post) needs to lose four Swedens, hopefully before next summer when we will all have to wear bikinis and expose ourselves in public.
A lot of health and physical fitness professionals charge big bucks to help you lose weight, but in the spirit of voluntarism, I am offering my advice for free. Of course, if you WANT to send a little money, it will be gratefully accepted.
The thing about dieting is simple, and – yes – it does involve some math. You take the number of calories that are coming into your body and subtract the number of calories that you are burning by your daily activities. What is left is called a "remainder" or, in this case, blubber. It is usually left somewhere where you don't want to see it like on your stomach or butt where it "remains".
"So what do we do to reduce our remainders," you ask?
A very good and timely question!
The critical point of course is to actually KNOW how many calories are coming in. Handy lists like this one make the task of calorie counting a breeze! All you need to do is weigh everything you eat before you eat it and look up each item on the internet to see how many calories it has! This activity also burns a few calories, so you have a double benefit.
That bag of chips? Three thousand calories! (Plus a lot of sodium which can cause high blood pressure.) That half-gallon of ice cream? Six thousand calories. And so on. Of course, a lot of people eat out, and weighing the food at the all-you-can-eat place is inconvenient. You need to guess. That plate full of mashed potatoes with six slices of roast beef? Heft it in your hand. You can get pretty close with a guess like this: about thirteen thousand calories. The large bowl full of chocolate cake with a mountain of ice cream on top? Again, you will need to weigh it in your hand and make an educated guess. Twenty thousand calories, sounds about right to me. Don't worry if you are off by a few calories. Also don't forget that a lot of things don't have any calories at all: the plate, for example.
Then, once you know the number of calories coming in, you estimate the amount of calories going out. This is much harder, since you cannot weigh them before they go out. You can, however, weigh yourself and get a good idea of how many calories are being "burned". Weigh yourself before you do something that you think will burn calories. Then weigh yourself again after you finish. It's that simple!
Before walking to the car: 357 lbs (162 kg)
After walking to the car: 357 lbs (162 kg)
Before watching TV and having some snacks: 357 lbs (162 kg)
After watching TV and having some snacks: 367 lbs (167 kg)
Before going into the all-you-can-eat restaurant: 367 lbs (167 kg)
After coming out from the all-you-can-eat restaurant: 400 lbs (182 kg)
And so on. This simple and easy-to-use technique will soon put you in a "think about my calories" mode and will make dieting easy.
Following this simple weighing routine will make it possible for you lose your remainder effortlessly. The fat will simply melt away!

American Juche, or Math for the Layman

Regrettably, math has never been my strong suit. I was able to keep awake in math classes only by having my head hit the desk every few minutes as I nodded off. Needless to say, what I gained from all those years of cat napping was not a comprehensive knowledge of pluses and minuses.
Nonetheless, now an adult, I feel that I need to come to terms with this glaring weakness and do some math. Last week, I briefly mentioned North Korea's philosophy, juche – based on the "people's masses" – and how America has more "juche" (주체 in Hangul, ubberblay in Pig Latin) than any other country on the planet. The challenge I have chosen for today is to determine exactly how much "juche" the US has!
No sleeping in the back of the classroom... I am watching you!
First of all, I needed to do some research. One thing I found is that the American public has been getting more and more juche packed onto their bodies at an accelerating rate. This cool graphic demonstrates where and how this has been happening. (An explanation of this trend can be found here.) As an aside, it is interesting to note that the states which lead the way in the juche index are the so-called "red states". Maybe there is some connection between Republicans and juche?
But I digress again (this is a teaching tactic we professionals use to keep our charges awake while they are listening to lectures that would otherwise be near-death experiences).
I also discovered that the
average American is 17 lbs, or roughly 8 kg overweight. The current US population is 307,006,550 and growing (har!). Let's round that off to 300 million. Rounding off is a good technique when dealing with large numbers, since when you multiply, you won't have to "carry" so many numbers.
I never could get the "carrying" part of math... you know... "carry the two" and so on? Where was I supposed to carry it to? And what if it was a 3 or a 6? Should I carry them to the same place as the twos? That never seemed right to me. I mean, when we board a plane, we "carry on" smaller bags (the ones and twos) but the bigger bags (eights and nines) need to be checked. Of course, there is a "gray area" where some passengers (usually with a lot of juche) think their sixes and sevens should be "carried", but actually they should be "checked". This results in a lot of violent stuffing maneuvers at the overhead storage compartments that end up with flight attendants jumping off the plane via the emergency slide. And speaking of "those passengers", you know how they have a little cage at the check-in counter with a sign reading, "Does your carry-on fit in here?" They should have a seat there too with a sign saying, "Does your juche fit in here?"
Anyway...
So, rounding off the American population to 300 million and multiplying that by the average amount of juche (17 lbs or 8 kg for those of you who have not been paying close attention), we come to 5.28 billion pounds or 2.4 billion kilograms. Now THAT is a substantial amount of juche! Eat your heart out North Korea!
Still, figures like that leave us wondering things like, "What does that figure mean exactly?" It is hard for the human mind to grasp numbers with more than one or two zeros after them, partly because of the "carrying" I alluded to earlier; these are the numbers that should be "checked".
So let's put this number into "layman's terms". The height of an average Swedish man is 5'10" (178 cm) tall and of a Swedish woman 5'5" (165 cm). For these heights, the ideal weight should be 141~174 lbs (64~79 kg) for a man and 112~143 lbs (51~65 kg) for a woman. For the sake of this math exercise, let's assume that Swedes are generally not packing too much juche and are close to the ideal average in weight. Most of the Swedes I have met seem to fall into that category.
OK... the research phase is finished and now we need to do some math. If we take the top and bottom weights (har!) of an ideal Swedish man and add them together, we get what is called a "total" or a "sum". We then divide this sum by two to get an "average" (sometimes called a "mean" or, in the case of Americans, a "hippopotamus"). This is 158 lbs or 72 kgs for the ideal Swedish man. If we do the same for the women, we come up with 128 lbs or 58 kgs. Assuming that there are roughly equal numbers of men and women in Sweden, we can add the men's weight and the women's weight together and come up with another average: 143 lbs or 65 kgs.
Are you keeping up with this math here? Good!
So we can say that the average Swede weighs somewhere around 143 lbs or 65 kgs.
"What does the average weight of Swedes have to do with American juche," you ask? A very good question!
Since the US is 5.28 billion pounds or 2.4 billion kilograms overweight, we can find out (by dividing) how many Swedes that would amount to! Is that cool or what?!!
Yes, very cool! And you thought that you would NEVER need to use dividing in real life!
If we divide those numbers by the average weight of a Swede, we come up with the equivalent of around 37 million Swedes! Sweden's population, however, is only 9,059,651. So in easy-to-understand layman's terms, the US is packing the equivalent of four Swedens: two on its back butt and two on its front butt.
There! That wasn't so bad, was it?

Why Aren't Our Leaders "Dear"?

Here in the US, we have elections every four years for the Presidency. It's boringly routine. We have been doing this since 1789, 221 years. Talk about soporific history! And then, when the elections are over, all we have is a President... Mr. President...zzzzz.
What we need to liven things up around here are some cool names for our leader like other countries give to theirs.
Take North Korea.
Now there is a country that really knows how to come up with names for leaders! Their first leader, Kim Il Sung (김일성 in Hangul, 金日成 in Chinese characters, and Imkay Ilay Ungsay in Pig Latin) formally held a lot of the top posts of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, but was called "Great Leader". Great Leader works when you are actually "leading", but what happens when you press on to your reward? Good ol' North Korea knows: after his death, he was called "Eternal President".
Imagine how much more appealing someone like President Millard Fillmore (Personal Slogan: Loading...) would be if we could call him "Excellent Leader" or "Bold Commander". The whole election process itself would benefit from this naming approach as it would generate more interest amongst the clearly comatose electorate in this country. You could even have polls to come up with appropriate titles for the candidates before they are elected.
Kim Il Sung's son, Kim Jong Il (김정일, 金正日, and Imkay Ongjay Ilay) is called "Dear Leader" these days, not as robustly masculine as "Great" or "Eternal", but still better than mere "President". After he moves on to the Communist hereafter, no doubt he will be called "Eternal Dear" or some other equally cool appellation.
What's really cool about North Korea (Mission Statement: GO FUCK YOURSELF!), is how they manage to come up with these names. As I am sure all of you know by now, Kim Jong Il is very ill (HAR!) and is trying to pass on the reins of government to his young son, Kim Jong-un (김정은, 金正銀, 金正雲 or 金正恩 [it seems unclear] and Imkay Ongjay unay [which is clear enough for me]). In order to do this, they have to give the young lad an impressive sounding title. What have they come up with? "Young General"! And to make it even better, his father has promoted the Young General (who has absolutely no military experience) to four-star general in the DPRK army. (Pterosaurish can hear the hard-bitten three-star generals' eyes rolling all the way over here in Seattle.)
Speaking of North Korea, did you know that their society is built on the concept of "juche"(oojay ehchay)?
"What is that?!" I hear you ask.
Allow me to answer that important question.
According to the official website of the DPRK, "The Great Leader (Imkay Ilay Ungsay) said: 'The Juche Idea means, in few words, that the owner of the revolution and construction are the people's masses'.
Well let me tell you... we over here in the good ol' U. S. of A. can out juche any country on the planet. Our people's masses would easily win out over the citizens of a pathetic, little country like North Korea. Why just the other day I saw a person waddling down the street whose juche index was off the charts.
But I digress.
The main point of this article was about the cool names that North Korea comes up with for its leaders and how we could learn something from them. So, next Presidential election, how about "High Overseer Obama" for starters?

Teaching English the Better Way

As many of you know, I have spent my career in academia, teaching English to speakers of other languages. A noble profession, but one filled with frustration at times, given the slow progress and lack of achievement on the part of so many students.
Having time now to contemplate these deficiencies and investigate at length the issues of neuroscience and linguistic acquisition, as well as cross-disciplinary studies, I believe that I have come upon a new technique which might revitalize – if not revolutionize – how we teach foreign languages. The potential for spectacular results is enormous.
In the evangelical Christian movement, there is a sub-culture of believers who practice what is called glossolalia, speaking in tongues. In a state of religious fervor, these practitioners spontaneously begin discourse in a language that they have not formally learned. Some say it is the language of the angels while others claim it is an ancient holy language.
The key here, for those of us in the language-teaching field, is that the language they speak has not been formally studied; the speakers suddenly begin using it with native fluency on the spur of the moment! Imagine if you could replicate this process in your language classroom! No more worries about that discouraged student with his head down on the desk, or frets about whether your lesson plan will last 15 minutes or two! Your students will begin speaking fluently in a very short time, maybe as fast as one day!

Of course, I am sure all of you have some questions about this new technique. Let's look at some of your questions.

1. Traditional techniques that we have grown accustomed to might not be effective in teaching this new method (with the possible exception of Total Physical Response), so what can we as teachers do in the classroom to cover for this deficiency in methodology?

2. This is pretty obvious, but we don't want our students to suddenly become fluent in Angelic, so how do we get them to speak English?

3. If the students learn in one day what has typically taken at least 450 hours of intensive instruction to acquire, what will become of our jobs?

Let me address these very real concerns one-by-one.
1. How do we as teachers re-tool ourselves to meet the new challenge of an entirely different way of doing things? I would like to draw my readers' attention back to the 1960s and '70s when the audio-lingual method was in vogue. The key component of that method was repetition and substitution.
The teacher would cue the linguistic point (S-V-O), "Johnny has many girlfriends" and the students would repeat it, "Johnny has many girlfriends!" in unison. Then, branching off from the sentence but still using the same subject-verb-object pattern, the teacher would make a substitution, "... sex with all of them" and the students would instinctively know that this was an object and would substitute it in the object slot, "Johnny has sex with all of them!" Then still another substitution from the teacher, "... STDs in spades", and the students would dutifully respond, "Johnny has STDs in spades!"
You get the picture. Of course, most of the lessons were not as interesting as that one, and students would slip into boredom-induced comas in about 3 minutes, but the keys here are the "instinctive nature" by which they grasped that the substitution should be an object, and the way that teachers around the world made the transition from the pervasive audio-lingual approach to other more modern and no less effective techniques.
Let's face it, the people who are speaking in tongues right now are the same people who believe in creationism, so clearly a high IQ is not a requirement for learning with this technique (see earlier post). The teacher simply needs to create the proper atmosphere in the classroom: perhaps some rattles, incense and chanting might be helpful to raise the students' spiritual fervor to new heights. Perhaps Jazz Chants could be adapted to this new technique. The method is new, but I am confident that my colleagues in the English-teaching world will rise to this challenge as they did back in the '70s when people suddenly realized that the audio-lingual method was stupid.
2. Attractive though it is that our students might suddenly be able to speak ANY foreign tongue – even Angelic – we must not lose sight of our goal which is that they come away from our classrooms, speaking English. Research shows that the language the glossolalia practitioners speak comes from deep within them, so having some access to the students' inner selves is critical. It is my judgment (based on extensive research, not just sitting around making things up) that the ability to speak in tongues involves a transitional stage, that people do not actually break out into fluent Angelic or whatever, but rather start slowly and within a short time, achieve amazing fluency. It is during this transitional phase, that the students' natural tendencies to Angelic need to be supplanted with English forms. Subliminal projections in a powerpoint presentation, for example, or previous-night, dream intervention might be able to preempt the development of Angelic speech patterns and substitute English. Of course, failure among some of your students is inevitable; some will simply end up speaking Angelic. But considering that they spoke no foreign languages before, even this will be a sign of success.
3. Efficiencies in production always result in a loss of jobs and using this new, ground-breaking technique will certainly result in efficiencies. When you are cranking out fluent English-speakers in a day or two, it seems that it wouldn't be long before you ran out of students. I believe, however, that the use of this technique will not result in a continuing ability to use English fluently. There will be inevitable slipping back into Angelic or even loss of fervor to speak like this at all. This is where the teacher's role will become even more critical. Workshops in reinvigorating fervor, for example, or remediation of Angelic-creep into the students' English will be the focus of our work, providing a new and exciting challenge everyday.
As I see it, this is a win-win opportunity. Students come away with real language skills and teachers gain the opportunity to branch out into new and different challenges that will provide a break from the humdrum of today's lessons and methods.
If I am awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, I will definitely accept; I can use the money.

The Bugs of Summer

I really don't believe that Japan is buggier than other places on the planet. After all, I heard from a resident of Minnesota that the mosquito is their state bird. Nevertheless, there are a lot of pesky, buzzing things in the air in summer and keeping them at bay is a full-time occupation. The Kincho Company (Motto: Live with nature the better way; spray it) offers a delightful spread of options for dealing with mosquitoes. There are the mosquito incense coils to "kill them", a wearable vapor-emitting device to keep them away for "240 hours", a selection of bug repellent sprays, a wearable canister which can hold a burning mosquito coil, an electric heater for "vapor mats", and electric vapor-heaters for bottled liquid (good for 60 days!). All this for only mosquito protection.
There are two products which I would like to discuss today. The first is the blue electric zapper. Everyone has seen one, standing on a pole in someone's yard, emitting a small snapping sound when an insect – obviously overcome with religious fervor – "sees the light" a little too closely. My question has to do with the theory behind them. You see, they ATTRACT bugs. Isn't that what we DON'T want to happen?
Scenario
1. I hang a blue-light bug zapper in my yard.
2. It attracts bugs from miles around.
3. A lot of the bugs stop off for a snack before they go on their crusade into the light.
4. I do a lot of scratching.
Clearly this is not a good plan. We need to get someone else to buy these things and hang them as far from us as possible.

Next. Cockroaches. A lot of companies (including Kincho mentioned above) make little boxes that catch cockroaches. In the US they are called "Cockroach Hotel" -- "the roaches check in, but they don't check out". Clever.
In Japan they are called Gokiburi Hoi Hoi, which I loosely translate as "Cockroaches! C'mon C'mon!"
But... do they work? Let me relate a story about cockroaches.
When I was in college, being poor I lived in a basement apartment, a "refinished" living space in the hot- water-heater, central heating-unit space of the old house above me. It was cheap.
I shared that space with other creatures who also could not afford the rents of the better rooms above, rats and cockroaches in particular.
The roaches were always out in my kitchen, foraging for treats. When I saw them, I would smack them with Time Magazine or spray them with one of those chemical weapons that has the skull and crossbones on it. I also used the roach hotel traps and would occasionally find one or two stuck in the little box in the morning when I woke up – very satisfying!
Smacking them worked; it would usually do them in on the spot, but it made a mess of my magazines. The spray seemed less immediately successful. I remember seeing one come out from under my fridge and look up at me as if to say, "You still here?"
I sprayed it so much it looked like a tuft of whipped cream running around on the floor, but it simply shrugged off the spray and ran into the wall that divided my living area from the heating units for the apartments above.
Aha!
The roaches live in the wall! (I imagined a small tribe of a couple of dozen insects warming themselves cozily in there.)
I bought several cans of DEATH TO EVERY LIVING THING THAT ISN'T HUMAN spray and carved small holes with my Swiss Army Knife in the wall that separated my living space from the heater area. I then unleashed a whole can of the aerosol weapon into the holes in the wall and waited.
The waiting took only a few seconds.
A sea... a tsunami... a vast flow of cockroaches of all sizes and shapes poured out of the wall into my living room.
Naturally...
I freaked.
I got my trusty Zippo lighter, flicked it on and sprayed the Death Spray over the flame, creating a flame thrower to incinerate the roaches as they flowed in their thousands out of the wall. Males, females, babies... I confess... I killed them indiscriminately. Hundreds of them. Maybe thousands. I lost count. They overran my ability to kill them, so vast were the hordes.
I moved out.
But I learned a lesson. The lesson was that the cockroach hotels are just for show. The cockroaches send their sick and lame to get caught in them, so that we humans will feel ok about having thousands of roaches around.
"OK, Gramps! You have been spending too much time loafing around, and we are tired of your flatulence. You have been chosen by our Executive Committee to go get yourself stuck in that stupid roach hotel thing the humans have put out."
So grampa roach shuffles out and sacrifices himself for the horde, getting himself stuck in the trap which we then put out gleefully on burnable trash day. The swarm, however, continues its work for world domination in our walls unscathed. And in our hearts, we know they're right.

Interim Post

Good evening.
I have some other work to do, starting tomorrow and ending on Monday, that will consume a lot of my time and may prevent me from posting here. If you are one of those who is just biting your nails in anticipation of what I might write for Monday's episode, please bear with me.
Many thanks!

The Senior Deficit

Comments from an alert reader and a link to the Creation Museum (Motto: Prepare to Believe) tempt me into another rant, but breaking developments on the missing seniors in Japan (National Motto: We live longer than you do; neener neener neener!) require my attention there.
The news is not encouraging. The Japanese government had previously listed around 45,000 Japanese citizens as being over 100 years old, but the recent push to discover missing seniors has revealed that over 200,000 centenarians have gone missing. Some would be over 150 years old.
Scenario
Scene opens in town office where public pensions are administered.
Watanabe Aho (Director of Records): OK, it's time for our annual review of pension recipients. Let's see... we have 123 people on record here as being over 100 years old! Amazing.
Tanaka Manuke (Assistant Record Keeper) Yes, it truly is amazing. Did you know that once again Japan leads the world in longevity amongst developed nations, according to international reports?
Watanabe: Yes! It fills me with pride. Say...(looking at a chart)... what about this person? His name is Kourei Toshiyori. He was born in 1873! That means that this December, he will be 137 years old!
Tanaka: Yes, he is the only person on our lists who is still receiving military retirement benefits from the Russo-Japanese War. He was in the Imperial Navy, you know.
Watanabe: That is so amazing. And look at this one! Ojii Shinisou. Our records show that he was born in 1890.
Tanaka: (checking the computer) Yes, I visited his family only last month to wish him a happy 120th birthday, but – wouldn't you know it – he was napping and couldn't receive any guests.
Watanabe: (chuckling) Yeah, well seniors that old deserve their naps! My data shows that he was around during the occupation of Korea in 1910! It says here that he was on Vice Admiral Chuichi Nagumo's staff during the Pearl Harbor attack! Imagine all that he has seen and done in his long life!
Tanaka: Yes, it is truly astounding.
Watanabe: He has been receiving his government pension now for 55 years. It is the least our society can do for someone who has given so much to our country over these many years.
Tanaka: Truly. Look at this one! Oh my god! I knew that women lived longer than men in general, but this one is remarkable. Her name is Koukourei Miira. She was born in – get this – 1855! She is 155 years old this year!
Watanabe: Yes, I went to her house last – let me see – last January to give her our special award for longevity. She is the oldest person in our district you know! Unfortunately, her family said she was napping and could not be disturbed, but they accepted the award on her behalf.
Tanaka: (looking at the computer again) Awww... that is so sweet. Did you know that she was a witness to the Meiji Restoration! Remarkable.
Watanabe: (putting the files back into their cabinets) OK, it looks like all these people check out. Let's look at the 90-year-olds now, OK?
Tanaka: Good idea, we can't be too careful with the public's money, can we.

Creationist Cretins

I am taking a break from writing humor about Japan to say something about the nuthouse developments in the United States. The religious fervor that is sweeping a certain segment of our nation is starting to get on my nerves. High on the list of irritants are those who believe in Creationism. For those of you who may not yet have heard of this movement, it is a Christian fundamentalist attitude that takes the Bible literally and believes (please, no laughing yet, ok?) that the Earth was created about 5000 years ago and that the process of evolution has not happened.
Key to this "theory" is the adjunct belief that the whole world was inundated in a flood (as said in the Bible) and that all the living things that breathe were saved on Noah's Ark.
According to the Bible, noah's ark was 300 cubits long (450 feet, or 135 meters);
its width was 50 cubits (75 feet, or 22.5 meters), and it had three stories with a height of 30 cubits (45 feet, or 13.5 meters). Noah and his family along with all the animals were on his Ark about 377 days – something more than a year.
Consider:
Giant Anteaters eat 30,000 termites and ants a day. Noah had to have 2 of them, so 60,000 termites and ants a day needed to be provided. Do the math yourself – 8,527,740,000 termites and ants on a wooden ship to provide food for only two anteaters. Normal ant colonies have around 50,000 ants, a large colony of army ants (which you would not want on a boat) have about 700,000, but do not stay in one place. One of the largest ant colonies ever discovered was found in Japan. It contained only "306 million worker ants and one million queen ants living in 45,000 nests interconnected by underground passages over an area of 2.7 km²". Ants do not live in pairs. Ants do not swim. There are about 10,000 different species of ants. Two of each ant and termite species would also have needed to be protected from the seas and from the anteaters.
How about bats? There are around 5000 different species of bat, many of which eat one third of their body weight every night in insect prey. I am unaware that any bat species is pelagic. The bats need to hunt the insects, most of which would have to be flying around for them to be caught.
There are also about 5000 species of frogs who do not do well on the open seas, especially seas that covered the whole planet, including presumably Mt. Ararat at 5,137 m/16,854 ft. (We will be generous here and suggest that Mt. Everest and other much higher mountains did not exist at the time.)
Literal readers of the Bible claim that "Bible scholars have calculated that approximately 45,000 animals might have fit on the ark". Oh really?
Consider:
The Oasis of the Seas, a very large cruise ship, has a length of 360 m or 1,181 ft, more than double the length of the Ark. Its beam is 47 m (154 ft), again more than double the Ark's width. It's height is 72 m (236 ft) above the waterline, more than 5 times as high as the Ark. It's capacity for short one- and two-week cruises is around 5,000 passengers and 2,000 crew, or a total of 7,000 people. Granted, people traveling on a cruise require a lot of services and special food, etc. but does it seem likely that a much smaller vessel could support 45,000 animals and their food for over a year? If you believe that, you have a major short circuit in your brain somewhere.
You get the picture here? People who take this beautiful surviving story from our prehistoric days (it's in the Koran too) as gospel truth have taken serious leave of their senses and intellect. This movement is anti-science pure and simple. I thought we got over that 500 years ago.
Apologies for the rant.

Interim Post

While I make humor about Japan, it needs to be said that there are a lot of good things going for this nation too. Let me cite one small example that happened not more than 15 minutes ago.
I went to the gas station to tank up my car; it's called a Montero in the US, Pajero (no laughing you Spanish speakers!) in Japan. The Mitsubishi has running boards below the doors to provide a step-up for people to get into the rather high-off-the-ground seats.
As the gas station attendant -- young guy of about 20 or so -- was wiping all the windows (most gas stations in Japan are still "full serve"), he found a 500 yen coin (about USD$5.50) on the passenger-side running board. I had no idea it was there; it must have been dropped by my son when he was getting into the car. I did not see the attendant find anything; in fact, I was not even watching him as he went about his business. I am not sure I could even see him all that well in the rear-view side mirrors.
The attendant brought the coin around to my side of the car and asked, "Did you drop this?" Having never left the driver's seat, I naturally said, "No." And he said, "Well, I found it on the running board on the other side. Maybe someone else dropped it." And he handed it to me.
In the US where petty pilfering in supermarkets and department stores is rampant (in 3 months of living in Seattle, I personally discovered no fewer than 5 examples of it -- opened packages, missing contents!), this sort of honesty would be almost unthinkable.
In Japan, we take it for granted.


Next post from Seattle.
Cheers!

Let's Senior

Japan has had loads of problems lately with tracking where their seniors have gone. The issue of how to provide for the aging population has simply consumed the nation for years, and now... suddenly... the seniors seem not to have been there all along. Blessings come when least expected.
Electronics giant, Sony (Motto: Let us implant something in you), has decided that having seniors (centenarians in particular) running loose is not the Japanese Way, so they have come up with an IC chip that can help the nation keep track of its elders.
How sweet.
Scenario
Scene opens with obviously demented senior shuffling down the street. She passes a detection device which immediately relays the location of the senior to her family. Her oldest son is watching the J-League soccer game on TV at home.
Oldest Son: (not taking his eyes off of the TV) Hey! Have you looked at the STD today? (SDT = Senior Tracking Device).
Wife: No! And listen... Ichitaro (their son) had his soccer practice this morning and I had to take him out to the field. Then Nihime (their daughter) had her piano lessons after that, so I had to rush back and pick her up and take her over to Hetakuso Piano School for that. What have YOU been doing? It's YOUR mom after all.
Oldest Son: Don't fly into a snit every time we talk about my mom! I was just asking. I thought MAYBE you might have checked the STD to see where she was! I woke up this morning and didn't see her around and just wondered where she might have gone.
Wife: You woke up this morning at 10! I have been up since 5:30. Do you know that Ichitaro (their son... in case you might have forgotten) has his soccer practices during the summer from 8?
Oldest Son: Eight o'clock in the morning? Wow. When I was in school we had soccer practice from 9 o'clock. He must really been getting in some good practice!
Wife: (speaking over the last sentence of Oldest son's comment) What I am saying is, I had to get up at 5:30 and make a lunch for Ichitaro and also Nihime -- and you KNOW how she hates her bento if it isn't cute; I just HATE having to cut the sausages into little octopusses with the eyes and everything? -- and then I had to get Ichitaro's uniform out and get him dressed and so on while you were down here on the floor, wallowing around recovering from your night out with your "colleagues" last night! Why were you out so late anyway?!
Oldest Son: Huh? I was at work... and.... and... then we all went out drinking... it was Friday after all.
Wife: Mmhm.... and where did you go drinking?
Oldest Son: The usual places downtown... I forget... the Bar Licky? I think it was the Bar Licky.
Wife: Yeah? Well, Hiroshi (Oldest son's colleague from work) just called a little while ago -- while you were still unconscious here on the living room floor -- asking why you didn't come out with the company group last night! He wanted to know if you were sick or what?!!
Oldest Son: Oh... Hiroshi called? Oh.... well... what does HE know.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Grandma has walked off the edge of the bridge and fallen into a huge culvert where she has been swept away.)

Oldest Son: I didn't know Hiroshi was going out last night... he told me he had to go home!
Wife: (hands on hips, with eyes staring daggers) So... Where DID you go last evening?!
Oldest Son: Um.. I went drinking like always.... to the Bar Licky... with the others... Hiroshi wasn't there.
Wife: I hate to say this because it makes me seem like an awful person, but I called the Bar Licky and they said no group from Saitei Kaisha (Oldest son's company) had come in last night. (she looks at him meaningfully)

Narrator: Grandma is carried by the unusually high water (this season) and flowed out into Tokyo Bay.

Oldest Son: Hmm... maybe it wasn't the Bar Licky that we went to.... I was drunk! How am I supposed to remember?! Don't you know that in Japanese culture when someone is drunk we forgive and forget all about it?!
Wife: What the fuck are you talking about? You were out with your colleague alright... what's her name... Aiko.
Oldest Son: I WAS not... she was only there for a little while and then she had to go back to her apartment in Roppongi.
Wife: Right... Roppongi...
Oldest Son: Yes... she had to go home to... to... take care of her aging mother.

Narrator: Grandma has been flowed along with a large styrofoam box (used for shipping chilled fish) and managed to stay on top of it as she is swept out beyond Tokyo Bay.

Wife: Crap. Her mother died 20 years ago. Don't you read the papers? Aiko is under suspicion for pension fraud.
Oldest Son: What? Really? Oh... I didn't know that? Wow.... I wondered why she always seemed to be able to pay for all the .....
Wife: The WHAT?!!!
Oldest Son: Oops...

Narrator: Grandma on her styrofoam shipping box has been swept out into the Pacific Ocean.

Wife: I HATE YOU!! You have NEVER cared for me or the kids... I am so TIRED of doing everything around here, waiting on you and your mom hand and.... YOUR MOM!!
Oldest Son: Oh my god... where IS she?!!
Wife: Let me check the STD (Senior Tracking Device, for those of you who have not been paying attention). She is not on the screen! The last blip shows her around the river!!!
Oldest Son: Oh my god! What if she fell in?!! Let's go look for her.

October 17th, 2010
San Francisco (Reuters) Japanese Woman Sets Record
This morning at 08:17 Coast Guard Cutter WAGL-305 Mesquite recovered Ms. Furuko Tanaka from the sea outside of San Francisco bay. She had sailed across the Pacific Ocean on a large, styrofoam shipping box. At 91 years old, she has been recognized by the Guiness Book Of World Records as the oldest person to single-handedly sail across the Pacific Ocean.
When asked about her achievement, Furuko responded, "I love raw fish, and the Pacific Ocean is still full of it!"
She has been taken to a local hotel where she awaits contact from her family in Japan.

Save the Japanese!

Forget the whales and the pandas, a much more urgent extinction is looming. The Japanese might disappear from the planet! Peaking in 2006 at 127,463,611 people (the world's 10th largest population), the Japanese population is "going over the falls" demographically for the foreseeable future.
Immediate steps must be taken to prevent this tragedy from happening and removing one of the more interesting families of humanity from our planet. Think of what might happen should the Japanese disappear forever from the face of the earth.
1. Who would drive the nerdy Otaku culture?
2. Think about anime! What would the world do without this important Japanese cultural contribution?
3. Sushi. (no more needs to be said)
4. What about maid coffee shops? How could we allow these to disappear from our planet?
To escape this desperate situation, the first step is obviously to identify where the actual problems lie. Perhaps some lessons can be learned from the other species that have gone to the edge of elimination?
In the case of the whales, over-hunting led them to the brink of extinction. Clearly this is not the issue with the Japanese. Very few people on the planet include Japanese as a part of their diets.
What about the pandas? Their problem stemmed from an inability to procreate effectively and a tendency to have too few offspring.
Bingo!
The Japanese also seem to display an aversion to having babies. The birthrate is among the lowest in the world. But is it only the birthrate? Apparently not! They also do not have sex. This is similar to the pandas.
What steps can we take now to prevent an international tragedy?
First we have to pinpoint the source of the problem. Let's be blunt here: the problem is the increasing numbers of "herbivore men". These "men" have little interest in women, seeing them as potential friends but not lovers. Interest in desserts, fashions, make-up and so on dominate their minds, so they have little time or energy to devote to the all important challenge of keeping the Japanese race alive.
What can be done?
The parallels with the giant pandas are uncanny. Like the herbivore men, the giant pandas show little interest in sex and clearly fail to appreciate the risk to their species that this lack of commitment to procreation produces. Pandas were induced to increase their interest in and consummation of sexual activity by showing panda porn to the bears in captivity. The Japanese government should take immediate steps to identify these herbivore men and put them in a controlled environment where they can be shown pornography films. The films need to be chosen with the herbivore mentality in mind: a game-like atmosphere and anime characters would be a good start, maybe a sub-theme involving desserts would be helpful.
This movement the save the Japanese cannot be left to the government alone, however. NGOs must also step in to support a truly global effort. Greenpeace and Sea Shepherd should stop wasting their time and money on whales (sheesh!) and redirect their commitment to this threat to one of the planet's most important attributes: the Japanese. Only with the help and support of everyone around the world can we turn this danger to a better advantage and Save the Japanese.

Longevity in Japan Part 3

The saga of the missing centenarians continues. Recent investigations discovered one senior's son who was carrying her remains around in a backpack since 2001. He could not afford a proper burial. Clearly her pension payments which continued all the while were not enough to cover the proper disposal of her remains, so what is a son to do? Keeping her close seems warmly filial, considering the suffering he must have endured from losing his beloved mom.

Sweeping the Nation

Being basically an over-grown village, the Japanese nation is swept by fads like nowhere else. Something will be reported in the media (the fact of reporting makes it believable) and the next thing you know 127 million people will be jumping on the band wagon.
Consider:
Some 10 years ago Fuji Television reported on Super Time (news program) that putting empty soft-drink bottles (clear ones with water in them) around in your yard would keep cats away. Imagine the convenience of this technique! Only the other night we were awakened by the yowls and howls of a couple of cats outside; if we could have made recourse to putting a few strategic plastic bottles here and there, we would have gotten a good night's sleep. Anyway, the fad swept the nation and people were putting empty plastic soft-drink bottles around their gardens and houses to keep the pesky varmints away. Even as recently as 5 minutes ago (yes, I did go out and check) about ten 1.5 liter, soft-drink bottles can be seen keeping sentry around a neighbor's house.
The Experiment Design: In the interest of scientific inquiry, I decided to conduct experiments on the two members of the feline species that keep us on as staff here. Their names are Pickle (a Japanese stray) and Tweedle (a farmed Himalayan). I wanted to find out if soft-drink bottles filled with water would affect their normal behavior in any way.
As I have limited time to conduct a lengthy experiment (I want to finish this article before I drip too much sweat into the keyboard), I decided to cut right to the chase.
Experiment #1:
1. Fill soft-drink bottle with water.
2. Place soft-drink bottle next to sleeping Tweedle.
The Reaction:
none
The Reaction Upon Awakening:
1. Outstretched nose sniffs soft-drink bottle.
2. Cat goes back to sleep.
OK. But Tweedle is a fancy, designer cat. Who KNOWS where her genes came from. Plus, she is old and not heavily into youthful things – like actually moving.
Experiment #2:
1. Find Pickle
2. Can't find Pickle, so I will report on her at a later date.
Anyway, these fads sweep the nation like no other.
Consider:
In the early 1990s in the city of Sendai (there is some debate about the origin, but Sendai seems to be the front runner), high school girls somehow got the idea that wearing floppy socks around the lower part of their legs would make their legs look nicer. This was coupled with rolling up the waist of the school uniform's skirt to make it shorter, exposing more of the upper part of the leg. Instantly, the fashion swept the nation and high school girls across the country were rushing to flatter their appearances with these new floppy socks. By the early 21st century the fashion had faded among main-stream high school girls and been co-opted by a subcultural group. They can be still seen here and there today (I looked out my window, but as school is in session, I was unable to confirm or deny that they are still visible on the streets here. I can't actually see the road so well from this vantage point either.).
Consider:
The banana panic of 2008 struck without warning! Japanese women (let's brazenly make a huge generalization here) tend to be faddy. And nothing screams fad more than the latest diet craze!
Some Background:
Japanese women (continuing the brazen generalization) also tend not to be fat. We saw a woman who went through an entire pregnancy and birth without us ever being aware of the whole thing, so little did she change her physique. Wait... that is not fat, but anyway... Japanese women tend to be petite and thin. By and large, among those women who THINK they need to lose weight and who would jump at any diet that promised easy and spectacular weight losses, only a tiny fraction really needs it. Nonetheless, a fad is a fad and (see first generalization) there are those who pay less attention to the details of it before taking the plunge.
The Diet:
Popular TV shows at first, and then later picked up by fashionable magazines and other venues, reported that a person (person = woman) could lose a lot of weight by eating bananas in the morning. You needed to eat one banana or more for breakfast with water, eat a regular lunch and dinner and go to bed before midnight (Time's report here). So basically, instead of the usual Japanese breakfast which consists of a small bowl of rice, some miso soup, a softboiled egg and maybe a tiny piece of fish, you would eat bananas. The key of course is the later eating of the "regular lunch and dinner". Japanese "regular lunches and dinners" fall into the petite category by American standards (omg... I need to write about this one restaurant in California...), so we are not talking a huge intake of calories at the later end of the day. Only one mid-afternoon snack, no desserts.
The Results:
Bananas were literally swept from grocery store shelves within a day. There were no bananas to be found ANYWHERE in the country, so fast did the fad take hold. Criticism by nutritionists and health experts notwithstanding, the fad stayed for several months (probably because the lack of bananas kept a lot of dieters from starting their new-found regimen), and then disappeared as quickly as it materialized. On TV and in magazines, of course, people (people = mostly women) reported dramatic weight losses, but amongst the general population there did not seem to be any significant change. Bananas remained hard to find for several months until the banana importers (all the bananas are imported) managed to bring in enough to restock the shelves. The fad had dissipated by then, but so many bananas were "in the pipeline" to feed the fad (pardon the pun), that the stores could not find place for them. Tables were piled high with the yellow fruit and checking out the supermarket yesterday, I found that even now there seems to be an oversupply of bananas.
Japanese supermarkets invariably have a special table for fruit and vegetables that are approaching their shelf life limitations. Everything is way cheaper there. The overlarge pile of bananas on that table looked pretty good too!
Return to Experiment #2:
3. Found Pickle lying around on the deck (not sleeping).
4. Place soft-drink bottle 10 cm from her nose.
The Reaction:
1. Cat gives lavish display of affection by rubbing on deck chair and deck railing near the soft-drink bottle (but does not rub on soft-drink bottle).
2. Cat lies back down in same position 10 cm from soft-drink bottle.
Pickle is a pure Japanese cat – replete with all the DNA and genetic predispositions of several thousand years of Japanese catdom. If she was not bothered by the soft-drink bottle, no cat would be.
Conclusions:
The results of my scientific experiment pretty much speak for themselves; the fad (as has also been subsequently reported in many places in Japanese) is based on bogus information. Nonetheless, this being Japan, traditions die hard.

Longevity in Japan Part 2

More news: Japan's oldest person, a 125-year-old woman, has gone missing, her declared address a park since 1981.

Also, the number of missing centenarians is 281 and climbing.

Longevity in Japan

It's well known that Japanese have one of the longest life expectancies in the world. There are many people around in their 70s and 80s and even 90-year-olds are not that uncommon. People who live to be 100 years old – passing the century mark – are often singled out by their communities for recognition. A social worker or someone from city hall will come around, bringing a small gift to recognize the remarkable achievement in long life.
Of course, often the elderly centenarians cannot come to the door to receive their award. After all, being 100 years old is no picnic. The old people might be napping. They might be ill and bed ridden. They might be dead.
Dead?
Alas, yes. Mr. Kato a resident of Suginami Ward in Tokyo reached the remarkable age of 111 years old this year. Welfare workers from the ward office wanted to visit this amazing man to present him with a small token of their appreciation of his being the oldest man in the entire city of Tokyo. Regrettably, according to his daughter, he was unable to come to the door on account of being bed ridden. They came back another time. Unfortunately, the poor man still could not make it to the door. They returned another time determined to recognize him for being the oldest man in the whole city of Tokyo. Once again, his daughter said he was not up to receiving visitors.
This made the ward officials suspicious, and they went to the police. The police – not bringing an award – forced their way into the house and discovered the reason for Mr. Kato's inability to receive guests. He was dead. Not only dead, but mummified. The police found newspapers scattered about his room with dates from 30 years previous. It seems that Mr. Kato had not lived to be 111, but more like 81. The family is being investigated for pension fraud.
Ah, the bad apples that spoil the barrel. What is to be done about them?
The officials in Suginami Ward (obviously a hotbed of longevity) shook their heads in disbelief. "It's isolated incidents like this that give everyone the wrong impression about longevity in Tokyo!"
Another day. Suginami Ward officials head out to pay their respects and give recognition to Ms. Furuya who, at 113 years old, is the oldest woman in Tokyo. Greeted at the door by her daughter, they discover that Ms. Furuya does not live there anymore. Despite the centenarian being registered at that address, the daughter claims that her elderly mother has not lived there for years, but is living with her brother with whom she has no contact. Upon investigation, authorities find that the house where the brother was supposed to be living had been torn down to make way for a highway. When they catch up with him later, he claims to have no knowledge of his mother either.
Uh oh. Suddenly everyone over 100 is suspect of not being over 100 anymore. Orders have been sent out, and now (even in the rural prefecture where we live, Niigata) social workers are going door-to-door to check on the welfare of the centenarians in their communities. As of tonight, no "missing" 100-year-olds have been discovered here in Niigata, but around the country? Nearly 200 centenarians remain unaccounted for.
Are you thinking what I am thinking?
No, not THAT thought!
The one about the 90-year-olds. That one.
Maybe a lot of them are missing too?
But on another note, Japan has long been concerned about the aging of its population and how the proportion of elderly folks is so high relative to the number of young people who are working to pay the way. Good news for the workers: there may not be so many old people after all!