To many of us, the Christmas story is nostalgic, bringing back memories of Christmases past. For some, however, the story may be new. In keeping with my Christmas messages of past years where we peeked in on Mary and Joseph and last year when we witnessed the miracle of the Wisemen, this year too, I would like to bring part of the Christmas story to life.
What does the Bible say happened after the birth of Jesus?
It says that shepherds were in their fields watching over their flocks by night when an angel appeared to them and scared them with his brilliance. The angel said, "Don't be afraid, guys! I bring good news to you and all the people, for this day in Bethlehem, Christ the Lord is born. If you go there you will find him wrapped in a humble wrap and lying in a manger." And then suddenly the sky was full of angels all singing heavenly praises (forgive my loose rendition*)!
Didn't you ever wonder about this story?
I did.
Why would an angel go out in the dark to a bunch of mangy shepherds, dragging along a whole choir of other angels, and put on this performance for them?
There is an explanation.
It was a mistake.
The angel – let's choose an angelic name for him, how about Ralph – was sent out on a mission from God. Unfortunately he spent the afternoon before the mission with some of the other angels who were to accompany him. They were drinking at a "get ready to go to Earth" party where they consumed large amounts of heavenly elixir – let's call it "vodka". When they finally set off on the mission, they were pretty well tanked.
Let's pick up the scenario upon their return.
The video I have opens with Ralph and the other angels in the locker room, getting ready to shower and taking off their wings and uniforms.
(You didn't think they dress like that ALL the time did you? You DID, didn't you! LOL!)
Ralph: Wow! That went way better than I thought! Hey! High fives all around, guys! That was super!
Other Angels: Yeah! (high fiving all around, and some of the angels snap towels at Ralph's butt.)
Assistant Angel-Coach (poking his head into the locker room): Hey... uh... Ralph? The Boss wants to see you.
Ralph (winking at the other angels): Don't worry guys, if I get promoted or am awarded a better spot by the pool, you can count on me to put in a good word for you too! (he snaps his towel at another angel's butt on his way out the door)
(he struts out into the hall and makes the trek to God's office)
Ralph (knocking): Sir? It's Ralph... you wanted to see me?
God (sitting at his desk, looking down, his left hand holding his glasses loosely and his right index finger and thumb pressing the bridge of his nose; he speaks quietly) Come in and sit down, Ralph.
(Ralph starts feeling a little nervous but sits down)
God (looking up with a painful look): Ralph? How did your mission go on Earth... announcing the birth of Christ the Lord. my son?
Ralph (brightening): It went great! I made the first appearance all by myself so as not to scare them too much. I kept the dimmers on the whole time. And later right on cue, the rest of the team came on to sing a lot of heavenly praises to you! We really lit up the sky! Some kind of major fireworks, I tell you! Those dimmers are cool; we turned them up big time. Quite a performance I would say.
God (shaking his head pathetically): And Ralph... who exactly did you put on this spectacular, once in a millennium performance for?
Ralph: The shepherds, of course...
God: And why, Ralph.... WHY did you feel it was important to go out into a remote field and put on this fantastic show for... (flipping the pages on his clipboard and checking) five shepherds?
Ralph: Um... that's what we were told to do? ... The Assistant Coach came to us yesterday morning and told us to put on this show for the shepherds and announce the birth of the newborn King.
God (shouting): NOT SHEPHERDS YOU MORON!!! SHERIFFS!!
(quickly calming and speaking very quietly) Ralph?
Ralph (suddenly much paler, all the blood having drained to his feet): Yes, sir?
God (quietly again): What we wanted was publicity. The whole idea was to get the message out to people who count, people who had the authority to spread the word and be trusted or at least believed. They were to spread the word. Do shepherds sound like such a group to you?
Ralph: Well... um... I guess not.
God (speaking as if to someone with serious intellectual limitations): That's right, Ralph.
Shepherds are completely useless in that effort.
They spend their days tending sheep, usually alone. They have no authority over anyone. They don't even congregate amongst themselves in large numbers....
Ralph: I see...
God: Now, Ralph? Can you think of anyone who might be better at spreading the word? People with authority given to them by their ruler? People with power and local connections in their communities? The name begins with "sh...."
Ralph: Um... sheriffs?
God: That's right, Ralph. Very good. You mucked things up, you know. So I am demoting you. You no longer have bar privileges pool-side, and you have to share an apartment from now on. (checking the roster) I am assigning Bubba as your roommate.
Ralph: Bubba?!! Oh my God!
God: Yes?
Ralph: Nothing...
God: That will be all, Ralph. (Ralph leaves)
At least he didn't go to the Sherpas.... Who knows that they would have done. What a moron. Why do I get all these dumb angels...
I need a vacation... badly....
I wish all of you a lovely holiday season and a happy and healthy New Year in 2017. I will be back after the New Year when I recover from the parties.
- - - - - - - - - -
* (the actual story)
Luke 2
8 And there were shepherds in the same country abiding in the field, and keeping watch by night over their flock.
9 And an angel of the Lord stood by them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
10 And
the angel said unto them, Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good
tidings of great joy which shall be to all the people:
11 for there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.
12 And this is the sign unto you: Ye shall find a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, and lying in a manger.
13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
14 Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men in whom he is well pleased.
15 And
it came to pass, when the angels went away from them into heaven, the
shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and
see this thing that is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto
us.
16 And they came with haste, and found both Mary and Joseph, and the babe lying in the manger.
17 And when they saw it, they made known concerning the saying which was spoken to them about this child.
18 And all that heard it wondered at the things which were spoken unto them by the shepherds.
19 But Mary kept all these sayings, pondering them in her heart.
20 And
the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things
that they had heard and seen, even as it was spoken unto them.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Post-Apocalypse Destinations
My friends are so alert.
They reminded me that with the end of the world coming on my birthday in just a very few days, we all need to be thinking about making our post-apocalypse destination plans, our after-life arrangements.
In the Western tradition, these have been divided into two major ports of call, Heaven and Hell, with some people having a difficult and lengthy layover in Purgatory (think LAX).
What I want to do today is re-evaluate the two major resorts and help you to make your decision about where you would like to go. Remember, there isn't much time left, so you need to go ahead and make your reservations now.
And don't be prejudiced by your up-bringing.
Frankly, most of us have a really distorted view of what Heaven and Hell are like. Traditionally, we have been told that Heaven is definitely the preferred destination while Hell is a place where we will suffer for eternity. We even say that some Earthly destinations – like that hotel I visited in Lahore – are "hell holes".
Many Westerners have a vague notion that people who go to heaven get to dress up with wings and drapey white suits, play harps and generally have a good time, hanging out with the Big Cheese. Cherubims and Seraphims flit about, shooting the residents with their arrows so that they fall in love and get... no... wait... I am terribly sorry... those might be cupids and have nothing to do with Heaven. Oddly, you cannot find many images of Heaven on the Internet, but there are "descriptions" which are obviously bogus.
Hell on the other hand is fairly well-known and described in concrete detail. Images abound. Hell is where all of you bad people go: the murderers, the thieves, the people who don't separate their garbage. You burn there and get pitchforked around by demons.
Which brings me to the question about that traditional view; what exactly are demons? Are they the ones who are WORSE than you, so they get the elevated status of being the pitchforkers rather than pitchforkees? Or do YOU get to be a demon (AC in your room, free pitchforks), because you only told a lie (not a 'red card' violation in the Ten Commandments) whereas THEY did something much worse, like... said, "OMG!" (taking the lord's name in vain)?
Joking aside, I need to assure you that all of that is totally inaccurate, based as it is on what people perceive as the conditions for admission: you need to be "good" to go to Heaven, leaving the "bad" people to go to Hell. The bad PR for Hell is just so much nonsense. Even theologically it doesn't hold water, since it relies on the idea that the CEO of Hell, the Devil, would be willing to do the bidding of the CEO of Heaven, God. After all, wasn't the split in the destination monopoly precisely BECAUSE Satan would not go along with God's agenda?
Right.
We all need to get on the same page here.
First, you need to understand that both of these images are very antique. God and Satan are in competition for your after-life soul, so you need to check out both venues and make them come up with good bargains for you to choose between. To get you started, I did a quick search and this is what I arrived at.
Heaven Resort
When you enter your lavish suite in a hotel at Heaven Resort, you will be overwhelmed by the stunning view from your personal lanai, the white sandy beaches and the whole bay and distant mountains at your feet. But that is only a start. The complimentary champagne and tropical fruit basket (all organic) will provide the perfect romantic atmosphere for you and your 'special other' to kick back and enjoy the rest of eternity. Need a change of linen and towels? No worries in Heaven! Changes occur on a daily basis AND you can be sure that we follow the most stringent environmental regulations for washing them. Gather later during happy hour in the lobby and join with your fellow hotel guests, socializing and watching sports on the big screen monitors, as well as the free hors d'oeuvres (lactose and gluten intolerant friendly) and our fine wine selections from everywhere. The bars and pubs are open 24/7, but of course, non-alcoholic beverages are also available. Single? Heaven Resort specializes in single hospitality. Cherubims and Seraphims abound, so – who knows – they might shoot you with one of their arrows and help you to find that special person to share eternity with. Heaven Resort is also now LGBT friendly.
We look forward to serving you here at the Heaven Resort.
Check with your travel agent for details.
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Heaven Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Heaven Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.god.love Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Heaven Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Heaven Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Heaven Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
Then we have the brochure from Hell (that sounds bad, doesn't it.... see?... prejudice!)
Hell Resort
Entering your room, you look out the window and see a spectacular view. You also notice the remote control lying on your carefully made bed (complementary chocolates are places under your pillow everyday). You pick up the remote in wonder, and pressing a button, realize you can change your whole view (and world) from a wide assortment of popular venues!
Did you and your partner spend a romantic week on the beach in Maui? Click.
Did you meet that special person in the cathedral at York? Click.
Did you wish you had talked to that person on the train in Rome? Click.
Yes, the whole world is there at your fingertips. And don't worry that your ski wear will be out of place in the restaurants when everyone else decided on a Hawaii vacation. Clicking the remote button means you interact ONLY with those who have the same vacation destination in mind.
Free wine tastings in the lobby are just the beginning. We also provide the very best cuisine in each of our restaurants around the plaza (we accommodate any religious dietary requirements); they operate on a 24/7 basis for all eternity. For the kids there are also pizza shops and activities around the pool everyday (check with the manager for details). We look forward to serving you here at the Hell Resort!
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Hell Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Hell Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.bad.hell Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Hell Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Hell Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Hell Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
So there you have it. I know you are wondering which resort I am choosing, so let me tell you. I am going to the Lux-Lucifer Hotel on Hot Beach, and (here's an insider tip) I know that there are three suites left on the ocean-view side (these have the best remote controls).
You only have a few days left; better make your reservations for eternity now!
They reminded me that with the end of the world coming on my birthday in just a very few days, we all need to be thinking about making our post-apocalypse destination plans, our after-life arrangements.
In the Western tradition, these have been divided into two major ports of call, Heaven and Hell, with some people having a difficult and lengthy layover in Purgatory (think LAX).
What I want to do today is re-evaluate the two major resorts and help you to make your decision about where you would like to go. Remember, there isn't much time left, so you need to go ahead and make your reservations now.
And don't be prejudiced by your up-bringing.
Frankly, most of us have a really distorted view of what Heaven and Hell are like. Traditionally, we have been told that Heaven is definitely the preferred destination while Hell is a place where we will suffer for eternity. We even say that some Earthly destinations – like that hotel I visited in Lahore – are "hell holes".
Many Westerners have a vague notion that people who go to heaven get to dress up with wings and drapey white suits, play harps and generally have a good time, hanging out with the Big Cheese. Cherubims and Seraphims flit about, shooting the residents with their arrows so that they fall in love and get... no... wait... I am terribly sorry... those might be cupids and have nothing to do with Heaven. Oddly, you cannot find many images of Heaven on the Internet, but there are "descriptions" which are obviously bogus.
Hell on the other hand is fairly well-known and described in concrete detail. Images abound. Hell is where all of you bad people go: the murderers, the thieves, the people who don't separate their garbage. You burn there and get pitchforked around by demons.
Which brings me to the question about that traditional view; what exactly are demons? Are they the ones who are WORSE than you, so they get the elevated status of being the pitchforkers rather than pitchforkees? Or do YOU get to be a demon (AC in your room, free pitchforks), because you only told a lie (not a 'red card' violation in the Ten Commandments) whereas THEY did something much worse, like... said, "OMG!" (taking the lord's name in vain)?
Joking aside, I need to assure you that all of that is totally inaccurate, based as it is on what people perceive as the conditions for admission: you need to be "good" to go to Heaven, leaving the "bad" people to go to Hell. The bad PR for Hell is just so much nonsense. Even theologically it doesn't hold water, since it relies on the idea that the CEO of Hell, the Devil, would be willing to do the bidding of the CEO of Heaven, God. After all, wasn't the split in the destination monopoly precisely BECAUSE Satan would not go along with God's agenda?
Right.
We all need to get on the same page here.
First, you need to understand that both of these images are very antique. God and Satan are in competition for your after-life soul, so you need to check out both venues and make them come up with good bargains for you to choose between. To get you started, I did a quick search and this is what I arrived at.
Heaven Resort
When you enter your lavish suite in a hotel at Heaven Resort, you will be overwhelmed by the stunning view from your personal lanai, the white sandy beaches and the whole bay and distant mountains at your feet. But that is only a start. The complimentary champagne and tropical fruit basket (all organic) will provide the perfect romantic atmosphere for you and your 'special other' to kick back and enjoy the rest of eternity. Need a change of linen and towels? No worries in Heaven! Changes occur on a daily basis AND you can be sure that we follow the most stringent environmental regulations for washing them. Gather later during happy hour in the lobby and join with your fellow hotel guests, socializing and watching sports on the big screen monitors, as well as the free hors d'oeuvres (lactose and gluten intolerant friendly) and our fine wine selections from everywhere. The bars and pubs are open 24/7, but of course, non-alcoholic beverages are also available. Single? Heaven Resort specializes in single hospitality. Cherubims and Seraphims abound, so – who knows – they might shoot you with one of their arrows and help you to find that special person to share eternity with. Heaven Resort is also now LGBT friendly.
We look forward to serving you here at the Heaven Resort.
Check with your travel agent for details.
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Heaven Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Heaven Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.god.love Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Heaven Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Heaven Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Heaven Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
Then we have the brochure from Hell (that sounds bad, doesn't it.... see?... prejudice!)
Hell Resort
Entering your room, you look out the window and see a spectacular view. You also notice the remote control lying on your carefully made bed (complementary chocolates are places under your pillow everyday). You pick up the remote in wonder, and pressing a button, realize you can change your whole view (and world) from a wide assortment of popular venues!
Did you and your partner spend a romantic week on the beach in Maui? Click.
Did you meet that special person in the cathedral at York? Click.
Did you wish you had talked to that person on the train in Rome? Click.
Yes, the whole world is there at your fingertips. And don't worry that your ski wear will be out of place in the restaurants when everyone else decided on a Hawaii vacation. Clicking the remote button means you interact ONLY with those who have the same vacation destination in mind.
Free wine tastings in the lobby are just the beginning. We also provide the very best cuisine in each of our restaurants around the plaza (we accommodate any religious dietary requirements); they operate on a 24/7 basis for all eternity. For the kids there are also pizza shops and activities around the pool everyday (check with the manager for details). We look forward to serving you here at the Hell Resort!
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Hell Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Hell Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.bad.hell Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Hell Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Hell Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Hell Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
So there you have it. I know you are wondering which resort I am choosing, so let me tell you. I am going to the Lux-Lucifer Hotel on Hot Beach, and (here's an insider tip) I know that there are three suites left on the ocean-view side (these have the best remote controls).
You only have a few days left; better make your reservations for eternity now!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Three Ways Not to Appear Senile
I have written important advice here for other seniors on how to make the most of our declining years: mental health tips, for example, or more importantly, five ways not to be dead. So today too, I would like to continue this contribution to society and write about how not to appear senile.
Let's face it; when you get old, you have basically fulfilled your role on the planet, and most people would just like to see you shuffle off. Especially relatives. All they want is to get you out of the house and off in a home somewhere. If there is anything worse than being accidentally cremated (mentioned in an earlier post), it's being put into an old people's home.
So, to avoid this tragedy, you need to come up with tactics to make sure that you are not diagnosed as being senile.
What happens is fairly standard. The relatives look at you snoozing there in your armchair and at first wonder if you are dead. When they hold the mirror under your nose and see it fog up slightly, they know that you are still among the living, so they need to come up with some other way to get rid of you.
Scenario
Son-in Law: Grandpa isn't happy here; look at him snoring there in his armchair... don't you think he would be happier in a home?
Daughter: Yes, but he still seems to be alert and stuff... I would hate to send him off to a home if he can relate to us and all. And the kids seem to like him.
Son-in-Law: Really? He has seemed a little out of it to me, lately. Like that time he spilled all the wine down his shirt? That was pretty bad... especially with the Andrews over? I mean... Bob Andrews IS my boss! His wife was really upset by Grandpa's leering and all too.
Daughter: Yeah... maybe we should take him in to be tested. They have a lot of tests now to determine the mental capacity of seniors...
So suddenly you are brought in to what they call a "mental-health professional" who will determine if you are senile and ready to be shipped off to a home.
First of all, you must understand that psychiatry and mental-health evaluations are a scam. They might as well wear feathers, shake rattles and dance around you for all the good they do. But they do have standing in society, so you cannot attack them directly.
Bad Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: What day do YOU think it is, asshole?
MHP: Now now... (looking around at the relatives and shrugging his shoulders in feigned helplessness) Why don't we let ME ask the questions... do you know what day it is?
Me: It's Friday! How old are you anyway? Why are you asking all these stupid questions...
MHP: (condescendingly) Very good! Good job! Yes... It's Friday! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I usually have constipation and spend two hours on the toilet, passing something that should have been removed by caesarian section... did you really want to know?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
Anyway... you get the picture. Anything you say in your "usual" personality will be perceived as being senile and "difficult".
So, here is the game plan.
1. Don't be yourself. Even though the mental-health professional will try to draw you out and make you answer stupid questions, you must remember that s/he is trying to get you into a home. That's how they make their money. You have to be careful not to fall into their traps. Do this by asking THEM questions.
Good Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: It's Friday, of course. I really like your tie! Where did you get that by the way?
MHP: Oh! Thank you... I got it at Sears.
Me: Yes, I could sense your good taste in clothing right away.
MHP: Um... oh... yes... it's Friday, you're right! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I try to keep a strict regimen.
MHP: And what does that entail?
Me: Well.... I get up and have breakfast (don't go on and on here about WHAT you have for breakfast; nobody wants to know that you eat a bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement). I like to exercise too. What do you do? You look pretty buff for someone with a desk job.
(POINT: Always turn the conversation back at them. Ask questions. It puts them off their guard and they forget what they are trying to prove about you.)
MHP: (blushing) Well... I do work out a lot actually...
Me: Lots of push-ups I bet! Look at those shoulders!
MHP: Well... not THAT many ... only 50 each time... but I also do some free-weight training, so I think I round out my shoulders and arms pretty well.
Me: I should say! It's incredible. And how about aerobic exercises?
Son-in-law: Um... shouldn't we continue with evaluating Grandpa's mental acuity here?
MHP: He seems fine to me... take him home. Nice to meet you Mr. Pterosaurish.
2. Eventually, however, they will start asking detailed questions that involve math or some other hard to remember thing.
Bad Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to shove up your ass!
MHP: (looking helplessly at your relatives) Ha ha... yes... but how many would it actually be... in numbers, Mr. Pterosaurish... in numbers.
Me: (very poor at math) More than you would want shoved up your ass!
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
You can see how badly such a conversation can go very quickly. All the cards are stacked against you. So you need to have clever strategies to avoid the obvious pitfalls.
Good Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to buy a gelato for the grandkids! Did you know that they really like pistachio? I had no idea!
MHP: Ha ha ha! Really? That's my favorite too!
Me: No way! I always preferred chocolate myself... but anyway, didn't you have some other questions for me? (POINT: find some way to make it seem that you WANT them to ask questions, and if possible, stress "other" questions, since you are weak at math.)
MHP: Oh!... um.... no, I think that about handles it. Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me, you can take him home with you now.
3. Being senile means living in a "different reality". The mental-health professional will try to draw you out about your fantasies and make you seem like you are not living in the "real world".
Bad Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I think about fucking the woman who lives next door... if only she would lean over the fence a little more and fall over into our side of the fence. I might be able to catch her...
MHP: (loudly) I see! But... um... do you think about other things? Sports? Do you watch TV?
ME: ... and when she leans over... omg... you should see it... her blouse sort of flops open a little? and I can see down her shirt.... omg.... maybe if I had a lasso or something or ... I KNOW!! I can get my son-in-law's stupid dog to trip her up so she falls into our yard... Hey! Finders keepers, right?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
There is no way to salvage this conversation; they will put you directly into the ambulance to take you to the home.
Good Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I do the cross-word puzzles in the newspaper.
MHP: Oh.. that is so good for your mental acuity!
Son-in-law: I never saw you do them... he never does the cross-word puzzles....
Me: Oh! I don't WRITE in the newspaper, since I know you like to read it without my scribbles all over... I do them in my head.
MHP: Oh my! That is amazing! I have never met someone who does them in his head!
Son-in-law: He doesn't do it in his head... he's drunk most of the time and looking at the neighbor with those binoculars!
Me: (to the mental-health professional) Where did you get that tie? It really brings out the green in your eyes.
MHP: (blushing) I got it at Sears...
Me: I could sense immediately that you have good taste in clothes.
MHP: Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me... you can take him on home right now.
I hope these three tips have been helpful. Actually, I had intended to write five, but I forgot two of them. If I remember, however, you can be sure I will have two more ways of covering for us seniors in the interviews.
Let's face it; when you get old, you have basically fulfilled your role on the planet, and most people would just like to see you shuffle off. Especially relatives. All they want is to get you out of the house and off in a home somewhere. If there is anything worse than being accidentally cremated (mentioned in an earlier post), it's being put into an old people's home.
So, to avoid this tragedy, you need to come up with tactics to make sure that you are not diagnosed as being senile.
What happens is fairly standard. The relatives look at you snoozing there in your armchair and at first wonder if you are dead. When they hold the mirror under your nose and see it fog up slightly, they know that you are still among the living, so they need to come up with some other way to get rid of you.
Scenario
Son-in Law: Grandpa isn't happy here; look at him snoring there in his armchair... don't you think he would be happier in a home?
Daughter: Yes, but he still seems to be alert and stuff... I would hate to send him off to a home if he can relate to us and all. And the kids seem to like him.
Son-in-Law: Really? He has seemed a little out of it to me, lately. Like that time he spilled all the wine down his shirt? That was pretty bad... especially with the Andrews over? I mean... Bob Andrews IS my boss! His wife was really upset by Grandpa's leering and all too.
Daughter: Yeah... maybe we should take him in to be tested. They have a lot of tests now to determine the mental capacity of seniors...
So suddenly you are brought in to what they call a "mental-health professional" who will determine if you are senile and ready to be shipped off to a home.
First of all, you must understand that psychiatry and mental-health evaluations are a scam. They might as well wear feathers, shake rattles and dance around you for all the good they do. But they do have standing in society, so you cannot attack them directly.
Bad Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: What day do YOU think it is, asshole?
MHP: Now now... (looking around at the relatives and shrugging his shoulders in feigned helplessness) Why don't we let ME ask the questions... do you know what day it is?
Me: It's Friday! How old are you anyway? Why are you asking all these stupid questions...
MHP: (condescendingly) Very good! Good job! Yes... It's Friday! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I usually have constipation and spend two hours on the toilet, passing something that should have been removed by caesarian section... did you really want to know?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
Anyway... you get the picture. Anything you say in your "usual" personality will be perceived as being senile and "difficult".
So, here is the game plan.
1. Don't be yourself. Even though the mental-health professional will try to draw you out and make you answer stupid questions, you must remember that s/he is trying to get you into a home. That's how they make their money. You have to be careful not to fall into their traps. Do this by asking THEM questions.
Good Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: It's Friday, of course. I really like your tie! Where did you get that by the way?
MHP: Oh! Thank you... I got it at Sears.
Me: Yes, I could sense your good taste in clothing right away.
MHP: Um... oh... yes... it's Friday, you're right! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I try to keep a strict regimen.
MHP: And what does that entail?
Me: Well.... I get up and have breakfast (don't go on and on here about WHAT you have for breakfast; nobody wants to know that you eat a bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement). I like to exercise too. What do you do? You look pretty buff for someone with a desk job.
(POINT: Always turn the conversation back at them. Ask questions. It puts them off their guard and they forget what they are trying to prove about you.)
MHP: (blushing) Well... I do work out a lot actually...
Me: Lots of push-ups I bet! Look at those shoulders!
MHP: Well... not THAT many ... only 50 each time... but I also do some free-weight training, so I think I round out my shoulders and arms pretty well.
Me: I should say! It's incredible. And how about aerobic exercises?
Son-in-law: Um... shouldn't we continue with evaluating Grandpa's mental acuity here?
MHP: He seems fine to me... take him home. Nice to meet you Mr. Pterosaurish.
2. Eventually, however, they will start asking detailed questions that involve math or some other hard to remember thing.
Bad Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to shove up your ass!
MHP: (looking helplessly at your relatives) Ha ha... yes... but how many would it actually be... in numbers, Mr. Pterosaurish... in numbers.
Me: (very poor at math) More than you would want shoved up your ass!
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
You can see how badly such a conversation can go very quickly. All the cards are stacked against you. So you need to have clever strategies to avoid the obvious pitfalls.
Good Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to buy a gelato for the grandkids! Did you know that they really like pistachio? I had no idea!
MHP: Ha ha ha! Really? That's my favorite too!
Me: No way! I always preferred chocolate myself... but anyway, didn't you have some other questions for me? (POINT: find some way to make it seem that you WANT them to ask questions, and if possible, stress "other" questions, since you are weak at math.)
MHP: Oh!... um.... no, I think that about handles it. Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me, you can take him home with you now.
3. Being senile means living in a "different reality". The mental-health professional will try to draw you out about your fantasies and make you seem like you are not living in the "real world".
Bad Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I think about fucking the woman who lives next door... if only she would lean over the fence a little more and fall over into our side of the fence. I might be able to catch her...
MHP: (loudly) I see! But... um... do you think about other things? Sports? Do you watch TV?
ME: ... and when she leans over... omg... you should see it... her blouse sort of flops open a little? and I can see down her shirt.... omg.... maybe if I had a lasso or something or ... I KNOW!! I can get my son-in-law's stupid dog to trip her up so she falls into our yard... Hey! Finders keepers, right?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
There is no way to salvage this conversation; they will put you directly into the ambulance to take you to the home.
Good Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I do the cross-word puzzles in the newspaper.
MHP: Oh.. that is so good for your mental acuity!
Son-in-law: I never saw you do them... he never does the cross-word puzzles....
Me: Oh! I don't WRITE in the newspaper, since I know you like to read it without my scribbles all over... I do them in my head.
MHP: Oh my! That is amazing! I have never met someone who does them in his head!
Son-in-law: He doesn't do it in his head... he's drunk most of the time and looking at the neighbor with those binoculars!
Me: (to the mental-health professional) Where did you get that tie? It really brings out the green in your eyes.
MHP: (blushing) I got it at Sears...
Me: I could sense immediately that you have good taste in clothes.
MHP: Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me... you can take him on home right now.
I hope these three tips have been helpful. Actually, I had intended to write five, but I forgot two of them. If I remember, however, you can be sure I will have two more ways of covering for us seniors in the interviews.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Pterosaurish Sees a Psychiatrist
A true journalist is always willing to take risks and "put himself out there" to push back the darkness of ignorance and misunderstanding. Exposing myself... wait... that didn't come out right... revealing intimate details about my psyche is only a small step that I can take in quality journalism. Below you will read my conversation with my psychiatrist. Since it is my own session, I do not violate any laws involving confidentiality.
- - - - - - - - - -
Dr. Arte Remedé: Won't you come in Mr.... er... Pterosaurish? Have a seat. You can sit in that armchair there.
Me: No couch?
Dr: Ha ha ha! No, that's pretty much a figure of speech these days. Most of us psychiatric professionals just use comfy chairs.
Would you like some coffee or anything? (He pours some for himself and crosses over to sit in his easy chair.) Tea?
Me: No, I'm good. We have something in common already, Doctor.
Dr: Oh? What's that?
Me: Silent "p".
Dr: Oh! Ha ha ha! That's right! Very funny. (He makes some notes on a notepad.)
So... what brings you to see me, Mr.... p... t... er... Pterosaurish?
By the way, is that your real name? Is that like Hamish*? Are you Jewish?
Me: No, it's my pen-name.
Dr: I see. And do you commonly use it in other areas of your life?
Me: No, just in writing and seeing psychiatrists.
Dr: Very interesting.... (He quickly jots down more observations.) Can I call you Pter... Pteros ... um... never mind.
So... getting back to why you are here... how are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling fine... just great! How are you doing?
Dr: I am also fine... but... why are you here... what seems to be the problem?
Me: It doesn't SEEM to be a problem. If it only SEEMED to be a problem, I probably would just drink some wine and sleep it off.
It IS a problem.
Dr: Ah... yes... so... what IS this problem you are coming to me for?
Me: I think I must have a personality disorder.
Dr: And why do you feel this, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: Well, according to the CDC, a quarter of Americans have been diagnosed with some disorder, and since most of the people around me seem OK, I thought *I might be one of the one-in-four.
Dr: What kind of disorder do you think you might have?
Me: How should *I know. You're the professional; can't you tell me?
Dr: (chuckling) Well... Mr. Pterosaurish, a normal personality IS one that doesn't feel the need for professional help... one who believes that he or she can cope with life with no more than conventional social support.
Me: So the fact of coming to see you automatically identifies me as abnormal?
Dr: (lecturing) You see, Mr. Pterosaurish, the normal personality is one which knows how to handle the minor ups and downs of life, which finds and exploits strategies for dealing with the life-issues that we all face: temporary depression, worry, nervousness, anxiety about the future, fears of things around us, and – finally – the internalization of the reality of our own death.
Me: But how can I know if I am normal or not?
Dr: (impatiently) OK. Let me ask you some questions. Please answer truthfully.
Me: I will.
Dr: Have you held down a job for a long time, had a career?
Me: Yes.
Dr: (jotting quickly) Have you been married or had a relationship with someone for more than 5 years?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Do YOU feel you get along with your peers in work and play, and do THEY seem to accept you as you are in their circles?
Me: Yes, no question.
Dr: (scribbling) And then, do you ever feel overwhelmed by the emotional impact of something that happens in your life – a relocation, a job loss, a death, for example?
Me: Never.
Dr: Do you suffer from anxieties that impact your daily life: fears that keep you from – say – doing "normal" things like driving?
Me: Are you kidding? Of course not.
Dr: (writing quickly and emphatically putting a period at the end of a sentence) Well then, Mr. Pterosaurish... aside from your insistence on using a pen name here – which I would evaluate as simply eccentric – given your answers, you seem to be perfectly normal to me.
Me: But the same answers would also have been given by – say – Adolf Hitler or Vlad the Impaler...
Dr: (nervously) Vlad the Impaler?
Me: Well, then... maybe I don't even HAVE a personality.
Dr: (sitting up and leaning over in his chair.) Excuse me? You what?
Me: I think I must have lost my personality.
Dr: I don't understand what you mean.
Me: (signing in American Sign Language) *I *have *lost *my *personality.
I think I had one when I was younger, but now I am not so sure.
Dr: No need to be sarcastic, Mr. Pterosaurish.... Let's explore this a little more... um... Why do you think you have lost your personality?
Me: Well, I have been reading a lot about psychiatry, and I read recently that the psychiatric profession is planning a reorganization of the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders for the new DSM V.
Dr: Yes, that's correct. Important research in neuroscience and also in psychodynamic, or dialectal-behavioral, and other psychiatric evaluations have enabled us to understand a lot more about the problems people might develop and what steps we – as psychiatric professionals – can take to assist them in working through these personality disorders.
Me: Yes, exactly. But in all my reading, I never found a psychiatric definition of what a "normal" personality is or – indeed – what a personality is in the first place. Most articles simply say that "normal" depends on the situation, the person himself, the culture, or even the psychiatrist's subjective evaluation. And nowhere can you find a definition of what exactly a personality is.
So now I wonder if maybe I don't even HAVE a personality and cannot be diagnosed properly. I really worry about this and feel the need for a personality.
Dr: Ah ha! So you ARE suffering an anxiety! You have fears involving a "loss of personality"! (he actually made air quotes)
Me: Yes, I am. I do so want to have a personality... and if possible, to have it be normal too – not one of the one-in-four, if you get my drift.
Dr: Well... let's explore that.... what do you mean?
Me: Well, it seems that the "normal" personality by definition doesn't go to see a mental health professional, so if I can get a "normal" personality, I can save a lot of money by not coming to see you.
Dr: Ah... yes... I see your point. Well, I think we can work on this over the next several sessions.
Me: How much will that run me?
Dr: I charge $120 per session.
Me: And how many sessions do you think it might take to provide me with a "normal" personality... one that doesn't need to come here anymore? To be cured....
Dr: This could be an on-going therapy... I think we are looking at something on the order of 20 sessions at least.
Me: So... I am weak at math, but something over $2000?
Dr: Yes... money well spent to find yourself, I would say... wouldn't you?
Me: That's 200 bottles of wine! (I smile sheepishly) Yes, I know.... I drink cheap wine.....
Dr: (raising a finger) Ah! But will the wine help you to have a personality?
Me: Maybe not... but it will definitely make the lack of one easier to bear, and who knows.... I do get very perky when I drink.
Dr: So... Should I pencil you in for next week?
Me: Do you serve wine or have some really cool rituals involving rattles, drums and a lot of feathers.... I really like feathers...?
Dr: (calling to his receptionist) Miss Pliant?! Can you escort Mr. Pterosaurish out, please?
- - - - - - - - - -
*Please don't write ME and tell me that Hamish is a Scottish name, not Jewish. *I know that.
- - - - - - - - - -
Dr. Arte Remedé: Won't you come in Mr.... er... Pterosaurish? Have a seat. You can sit in that armchair there.
Me: No couch?
Dr: Ha ha ha! No, that's pretty much a figure of speech these days. Most of us psychiatric professionals just use comfy chairs.
Would you like some coffee or anything? (He pours some for himself and crosses over to sit in his easy chair.) Tea?
Me: No, I'm good. We have something in common already, Doctor.
Dr: Oh? What's that?
Me: Silent "p".
Dr: Oh! Ha ha ha! That's right! Very funny. (He makes some notes on a notepad.)
So... what brings you to see me, Mr.... p... t... er... Pterosaurish?
By the way, is that your real name? Is that like Hamish*? Are you Jewish?
Me: No, it's my pen-name.
Dr: I see. And do you commonly use it in other areas of your life?
Me: No, just in writing and seeing psychiatrists.
Dr: Very interesting.... (He quickly jots down more observations.) Can I call you Pter... Pteros ... um... never mind.
So... getting back to why you are here... how are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling fine... just great! How are you doing?
Dr: I am also fine... but... why are you here... what seems to be the problem?
Me: It doesn't SEEM to be a problem. If it only SEEMED to be a problem, I probably would just drink some wine and sleep it off.
It IS a problem.
Dr: Ah... yes... so... what IS this problem you are coming to me for?
Me: I think I must have a personality disorder.
Dr: And why do you feel this, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: Well, according to the CDC, a quarter of Americans have been diagnosed with some disorder, and since most of the people around me seem OK, I thought *I might be one of the one-in-four.
Dr: What kind of disorder do you think you might have?
Me: How should *I know. You're the professional; can't you tell me?
Dr: (chuckling) Well... Mr. Pterosaurish, a normal personality IS one that doesn't feel the need for professional help... one who believes that he or she can cope with life with no more than conventional social support.
Me: So the fact of coming to see you automatically identifies me as abnormal?
Dr: (lecturing) You see, Mr. Pterosaurish, the normal personality is one which knows how to handle the minor ups and downs of life, which finds and exploits strategies for dealing with the life-issues that we all face: temporary depression, worry, nervousness, anxiety about the future, fears of things around us, and – finally – the internalization of the reality of our own death.
Me: But how can I know if I am normal or not?
Dr: (impatiently) OK. Let me ask you some questions. Please answer truthfully.
Me: I will.
Dr: Have you held down a job for a long time, had a career?
Me: Yes.
Dr: (jotting quickly) Have you been married or had a relationship with someone for more than 5 years?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Do YOU feel you get along with your peers in work and play, and do THEY seem to accept you as you are in their circles?
Me: Yes, no question.
Dr: (scribbling) And then, do you ever feel overwhelmed by the emotional impact of something that happens in your life – a relocation, a job loss, a death, for example?
Me: Never.
Dr: Do you suffer from anxieties that impact your daily life: fears that keep you from – say – doing "normal" things like driving?
Me: Are you kidding? Of course not.
Dr: (writing quickly and emphatically putting a period at the end of a sentence) Well then, Mr. Pterosaurish... aside from your insistence on using a pen name here – which I would evaluate as simply eccentric – given your answers, you seem to be perfectly normal to me.
Me: But the same answers would also have been given by – say – Adolf Hitler or Vlad the Impaler...
Dr: (nervously) Vlad the Impaler?
Me: Well, then... maybe I don't even HAVE a personality.
Dr: (sitting up and leaning over in his chair.) Excuse me? You what?
Me: I think I must have lost my personality.
Dr: I don't understand what you mean.
Me: (signing in American Sign Language) *I *have *lost *my *personality.
I think I had one when I was younger, but now I am not so sure.
Dr: No need to be sarcastic, Mr. Pterosaurish.... Let's explore this a little more... um... Why do you think you have lost your personality?
Me: Well, I have been reading a lot about psychiatry, and I read recently that the psychiatric profession is planning a reorganization of the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders for the new DSM V.
Dr: Yes, that's correct. Important research in neuroscience and also in psychodynamic, or dialectal-behavioral, and other psychiatric evaluations have enabled us to understand a lot more about the problems people might develop and what steps we – as psychiatric professionals – can take to assist them in working through these personality disorders.
Me: Yes, exactly. But in all my reading, I never found a psychiatric definition of what a "normal" personality is or – indeed – what a personality is in the first place. Most articles simply say that "normal" depends on the situation, the person himself, the culture, or even the psychiatrist's subjective evaluation. And nowhere can you find a definition of what exactly a personality is.
So now I wonder if maybe I don't even HAVE a personality and cannot be diagnosed properly. I really worry about this and feel the need for a personality.
Dr: Ah ha! So you ARE suffering an anxiety! You have fears involving a "loss of personality"! (he actually made air quotes)
Me: Yes, I am. I do so want to have a personality... and if possible, to have it be normal too – not one of the one-in-four, if you get my drift.
Dr: Well... let's explore that.... what do you mean?
Me: Well, it seems that the "normal" personality by definition doesn't go to see a mental health professional, so if I can get a "normal" personality, I can save a lot of money by not coming to see you.
Dr: Ah... yes... I see your point. Well, I think we can work on this over the next several sessions.
Me: How much will that run me?
Dr: I charge $120 per session.
Me: And how many sessions do you think it might take to provide me with a "normal" personality... one that doesn't need to come here anymore? To be cured....
Dr: This could be an on-going therapy... I think we are looking at something on the order of 20 sessions at least.
Me: So... I am weak at math, but something over $2000?
Dr: Yes... money well spent to find yourself, I would say... wouldn't you?
Me: That's 200 bottles of wine! (I smile sheepishly) Yes, I know.... I drink cheap wine.....
Dr: (raising a finger) Ah! But will the wine help you to have a personality?
Me: Maybe not... but it will definitely make the lack of one easier to bear, and who knows.... I do get very perky when I drink.
Dr: So... Should I pencil you in for next week?
Me: Do you serve wine or have some really cool rituals involving rattles, drums and a lot of feathers.... I really like feathers...?
Dr: (calling to his receptionist) Miss Pliant?! Can you escort Mr. Pterosaurish out, please?
- - - - - - - - - -
*Please don't write ME and tell me that Hamish is a Scottish name, not Jewish. *I know that.
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