Last Christmas I drew on newly revealed records to report on the exchanges between Mary and Joseph, and this year too, I would like to continue in that vein to bring the true Christmas spirit to life.
Immortalized in that famous Christmas carol, the wise men are central to the Christmas story.
"We three kings of Orient are..."
and then something about a rubber cigar...
I forget the rest, but anyway, today we will look at the wise men who visited the baby Jesus. We traditionally think of them as three wise men, but nothing in the Bible actually tells us how many they were. What the Bible does tell us is that "On entering the house, they saw the child with Mary his mother; and they knelt down and paid him homage. Then, opening their treasure chests, they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
They opened their treasure chests (plural) and offered gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh!
These are valuable gifts! Gold is precious even today, frankincense is of ancient importance, and myrrh is more valuable than gold. We can assume that Mary and Joseph came in to some serious loot!
The image we have of Jesus is that he was not a rich man, but that he did not actually have any visual means of support either. There is nothing in the Bible that suggests he held down a job, for example. Yes, we know he WAS a carpenter, but I also USED TO work at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
We need to get to the basic documents here to find out what happened to those riches. And for that I (once again) revert to the recently revealed texts that I drew on last Christmas.
The relevant parts open with the wise men, presenting their gifts to the baby Jesus at the new house where Mary and Joseph have moved (they were not in the stable; check your Bible, OK?)
Wise Man1: (knocking on the door) Hello? Anybody home?
Mary: (wiping her hands on a towel as she leaves the kitchen) Hello? What can I do for you?
WM1: We are three wise men from the East, come to pay homage to the new King.
Mary: Say what?
Joseph: (From in back) Mary? Who is that? It's not Benjamin again, is it?!
Mary: (shouting to the back) NO! It's some wise men. (To the wise men) What do you want?
Wise Man2: We come bearing gifts to present to your son, the new king.
Wise Man3: Yes, we bring gold!
Wise Man4: And frankincense!
Wise Man5: And Myrrh!
Mary: Oh my.... how did you hear about us anyway?
WM1: A star rose in the west, signalling the arrival of the new King. We were ordered by Harod to follow its passage until we came here to your house, the house of the King.
Joseph: (coming to the door) What is all this about? Are you guys with the sewer company? We paid our bill last month!
Mary: No, Joseph. They have brought gifts for our baby. For Jesus!
Joseph: You sent in those coupons, didn't you? And we won something? I don't believe it.
Mary: No! Nothing like that. They brought gifts on their own!
Joseph: Wow. Thanks a lot. You guys are awesome!
WM2: Well.... it's been real, but we had a bad dream last night, so we have to go. In fact, we cannot return to Harod, so we need to go home by another way.
Mary: Oh my... well have a safe trip.
WM3: Thank you. I think we should go back by way of that new resort in Babylon. What do you guys think?
WM4: Sounds good to me!
Joseph: Well, good luck then! Thanks for the presents and all.
– LATER –
Mary: What are we going to DO with these gifts? Look at this, Joseph! There is a lot of stuff here!
Joseph: Wow! Look at all this gold! And the myrrh!!
Mary: We should save it.... for Jesus' college education. It is getting more and more expensive these days and he won't get a good job if he doesn't have a college education!
Joseph: Hey! Being a carpenter isn't THAT bad.... You know we could use some of it now! I wouldn't mind having a new donkey...
Mary: JOSEPH! You just BOUGHT a new donkey two years ago! What do you think you are? A Roman?!
Joseph: Well... I just thought....
How about paying down the mortgage, then?
Mary: NO! We are saving this for his future. What if he has trouble finding a job or something... he will need this to fall back on.
And so, it came to pass, that the gold, and the frankincense, and the myrrh were saved. Thanks to Mary. And that explains why Jesus never needed to have a job the whole time he was preaching and turning water into wine, etc.
Isn't that a heart warming story? Doesn't it just fill your heart with the Christmas spirit? It does mine. Of course, we don't actually know HOW the gifts were invested, but we can be sure it wasn't real estate as there is no Biblical record of Jesus living anywhere as an adult.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good investment! How about frankincense futures?
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Too Much of the Holiday Spirit
Last week we looked into the dire social ramifications of having dipped too deeply into the barrel of whatever it is you are drinking. This week – in Part Two of the Holiday Special on Drinking – we will talk about how your drinking might reflect on you personally. Yes, your image is important, especially during the holiday season when you experience a lot of stress from being with in-laws and other people you try to avoid most of the year.
To bring this rather boring point to life, let me relate another story from my past experience. Many years ago (don't ask) I lived in Nara but worked in Osaka, a 90-minute commute one way. My job was in the evening, so I traveled back home on the Kintetsu line with a lot of "salarymen" who were also wrapping up their day, often with a good deal of booze under their belts.
I became an expert at divining which of the boarding salarymen would lose their dinners in the railway car, and learned to move away as quickly as possible, even if I already had a seat. Inevitably one of them would board, spot me sitting there, and filled with "courage", he would come to the unavoidable conclusion that THIS would be the perfect opportunity to practice that English he had learned in school. So he would come around and hang on the strap over me and say things like, "Mmfmfm... bllrnotott .... kormrmtffmlmf," as he hung on the strap and swayed back and forth with the movement of the train. Despite this sparkling conversation, my concerns about being covered in "courage" and the noodles the salaryman had had for dinner, prompted me to give him my seat and move away.
The train left Namba, a central Osaka station, made one more stop in the city at Nipponbashi, and then run long to the bedroom communities in the outlying areas. The first and biggest of these was Gakuenmae, then Saidaiji then Tenri.
One evening, a salaryman got on. He was clearly drunk, his necktie loose and his suit rumpled. He staggered onto the train in Namba, crossed the car and collapsed onto the floor, leaning against the opposite door.
The doors closed and the train departed. He looked up at everyone and smiled all around.
The train approached the next stop, Nipponbashi.
The train stopped. The doors opened.
He was lucky. The doors opened on the side he got on from, not the side he was leaning against.
He smiled at everyone who got on and even waved at some of the more attractive women (who moved, frowning, to the opposite ends of the car immediately).
From Nipponbashi to the next stop was a long 3o minute run. The car was warm. The rhythm of the rails soon soothed our drunk into a state of soporific stupor.
But soon enough the first of the bedroom community stations came up. The conductor made his announcements, "Gakuenmae, Gakuenmae", and the train pulled into the station.
The doors opened. Most of the riders jostled for the door. The poor drunk, seated across from the opened doors, opened his eyes and saw the name of his station on the sign.
His eyes processed the information and you could see it in his face, "I must get off here!!"
So he tried to get up off the floor. Regrettably, the tails of his suit jacket had spread to the side as he sat down against the train door and in trying to get up, he put his hands on them. He tried to raise himself against his own weight on his jacket.
The look of incomprehension, "Why am I not getting up?!", crossed his face as he strained against his own power.
The doors closed.
The train left his station.
The hapless inebriate slumped down against the opposite door.
The next bedroom stop came up shortly. The conductor once again announced, "Saidaiji, Saidaiji", and the train pulled into the station.
You could see on the helpless salaryman's face the glimmer of recognition, "I can get off here, and go back to my stop!"
A second time, he tried to raise himself off the floor while holding himself down by his suit jacket.
I had to get off, but he was still wrestling with himself when the doors closed behind me.
The next stop was the end of the line. When the conductor walked through the cars, rousing the other drunks, he would help the pitiful salaryman off the train then. Hopefully he would remember where he needed to go.
So... the moral to the story is, when you drink too much, don't wear a suit. You might hold yourself down with your own suit jacket.
It looks silly, and makes a bad impression on in-laws and other people around you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Next Sunday is Christmas, so my meaningful and heart-warming, annual Christmas message will be posted on Christmas day, not Monday when you will be hung-over and unable to read.
To bring this rather boring point to life, let me relate another story from my past experience. Many years ago (don't ask) I lived in Nara but worked in Osaka, a 90-minute commute one way. My job was in the evening, so I traveled back home on the Kintetsu line with a lot of "salarymen" who were also wrapping up their day, often with a good deal of booze under their belts.
I became an expert at divining which of the boarding salarymen would lose their dinners in the railway car, and learned to move away as quickly as possible, even if I already had a seat. Inevitably one of them would board, spot me sitting there, and filled with "courage", he would come to the unavoidable conclusion that THIS would be the perfect opportunity to practice that English he had learned in school. So he would come around and hang on the strap over me and say things like, "Mmfmfm... bllrnotott .... kormrmtffmlmf," as he hung on the strap and swayed back and forth with the movement of the train. Despite this sparkling conversation, my concerns about being covered in "courage" and the noodles the salaryman had had for dinner, prompted me to give him my seat and move away.
The train left Namba, a central Osaka station, made one more stop in the city at Nipponbashi, and then run long to the bedroom communities in the outlying areas. The first and biggest of these was Gakuenmae, then Saidaiji then Tenri.
One evening, a salaryman got on. He was clearly drunk, his necktie loose and his suit rumpled. He staggered onto the train in Namba, crossed the car and collapsed onto the floor, leaning against the opposite door.
The doors closed and the train departed. He looked up at everyone and smiled all around.
The train approached the next stop, Nipponbashi.
The train stopped. The doors opened.
He was lucky. The doors opened on the side he got on from, not the side he was leaning against.
He smiled at everyone who got on and even waved at some of the more attractive women (who moved, frowning, to the opposite ends of the car immediately).
From Nipponbashi to the next stop was a long 3o minute run. The car was warm. The rhythm of the rails soon soothed our drunk into a state of soporific stupor.
But soon enough the first of the bedroom community stations came up. The conductor made his announcements, "Gakuenmae, Gakuenmae", and the train pulled into the station.
The doors opened. Most of the riders jostled for the door. The poor drunk, seated across from the opened doors, opened his eyes and saw the name of his station on the sign.
His eyes processed the information and you could see it in his face, "I must get off here!!"
So he tried to get up off the floor. Regrettably, the tails of his suit jacket had spread to the side as he sat down against the train door and in trying to get up, he put his hands on them. He tried to raise himself against his own weight on his jacket.
The look of incomprehension, "Why am I not getting up?!", crossed his face as he strained against his own power.
The doors closed.
The train left his station.
The hapless inebriate slumped down against the opposite door.
The next bedroom stop came up shortly. The conductor once again announced, "Saidaiji, Saidaiji", and the train pulled into the station.
You could see on the helpless salaryman's face the glimmer of recognition, "I can get off here, and go back to my stop!"
A second time, he tried to raise himself off the floor while holding himself down by his suit jacket.
I had to get off, but he was still wrestling with himself when the doors closed behind me.
The next stop was the end of the line. When the conductor walked through the cars, rousing the other drunks, he would help the pitiful salaryman off the train then. Hopefully he would remember where he needed to go.
So... the moral to the story is, when you drink too much, don't wear a suit. You might hold yourself down with your own suit jacket.
It looks silly, and makes a bad impression on in-laws and other people around you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Next Sunday is Christmas, so my meaningful and heart-warming, annual Christmas message will be posted on Christmas day, not Monday when you will be hung-over and unable to read.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Drink, Drank, and yes... Drunk, or Lessons for the Holidays
The holiday season is upon us, and if you are like me, you are confronting a two-week period where you will not only consume a lot of alcohol "as is" but also find it in a lot of desserts!
Especially here in Japan, the endless succession of year-end parties leave thousands of really drunk people staggering around in the streets.
So it is, so it has been, so it shall always be.
How many of us have had the experience of drinking too much in high school or even yesterday?
Or how about having to "hide" it from the kids?
(I am not thinking of any one person in particular here.)
"BOBBY! NO!!!! That's Mommy's special water!"
The French drink a lot. But for them it is a health benefit. (I never make this stuff up, you can check for yourself.) So what is going on in other countries? If it is not a social benefit, then maybe something else is happening.
Here in Japan, for example, people drink to get drunk.
In the US, on the other hand, we have expressions like, "She can really hold her liquor!" which suggest that showing you are high is a minus. In Japan, there is no social opprobrium (Latin for "throwing up on someone") for being publicly drunk.
But some people imbibe too much and cause "social consequences". Let me relate an episode from my past as an example, and then we can think about what this might mean to us in our everyday lives.
When I was in junior high school. I rode the trains from my home in Osaka to my school in Kobe – about 60 minutes. Coming back one day, late in the afternoon, I saw a group of three university students sitting across from me on the bench seats of the railway car, clearly drunk. One of them was lying in the lap of another while the third student massaged his back sympathetically.
Not too far down the train from them was an older woman in immaculate kimono and perfect, traditional hairstyle. Clearly bound for some formal event, a tea ceremony or a flower arrangement class, she sat very properly just a little ways "down-car" of the drunken students, looking at them out of the corner of her eye from time to time.
In those days, the trains had no air conditioning; we opened the windows to let the breezes blow through. So all the windows were wide open, being that it was a sultry, warm, early summer day.
The student, who was lying in the lap of his fellow drunkard, suddenly reared up and started puffing at the cheeks. The other two quickly guided him to the open window to expel the drink and whatever it was he had eaten (mostly noodles, it looked like to me) out the window.
Unfortunately, there is a wind dynamic around trains (trust me on this; I know my wind dynamics), and the expelled noodles and drink traveled in an arc out the window where the student was pathetically heaving and back into the train "down-car" where the woman in the kimono was sitting.
Poor woman.
The expelled "stuff" flew in her window and splattered her from perfectly coiffed hair to mid-waist. I could describe to you, the sound of its impact, the splash of ejecta as it bombed her, but maybe you don't want to know.
The students, for their part, were completely oblivious. The incident was "fire and forget"; once the sick one had let loose his troubling stomach contacts, the three returned to their montage of him lying on one's lap while the other rubbed his back.
The dreadfully decorated woman sat calmly, perhaps drawing on her Zen training, and opened her small purse to take out some tissues. She blotted first her hair and then her face, carefully brushing the solid material (you REALLY don't want to know) off her kimono shoulder and sleeve.
She never showed any expression of disgust or dismay. She showed no expression at all! It was like this happened everyday.
I was left wondering how she made it through the rest of her day, smelling like she must have smelled.
What can we learn from this as we enter the holiday season?
1. Some people are way stronger than we are. I could tell you another story about my college roommate in a movie theater to prove this point, but let's just leave it with the woman who was very calm and collected when most of us would have lost it.
2. You don't want to be drinking when later you have to ride a train. I will discuss this next week in the second part of my holiday special about drinking.
3. Air conditioning in railway cars is an important development. This keeps the spew local, like on your classmate's lap (I have seen that too), saving the others in the car from participating in your holiday fun.
So, all of you out there (you know who you are), drink responsibly and stay away from trains.
Especially here in Japan, the endless succession of year-end parties leave thousands of really drunk people staggering around in the streets.
So it is, so it has been, so it shall always be.
How many of us have had the experience of drinking too much in high school or even yesterday?
Or how about having to "hide" it from the kids?
(I am not thinking of any one person in particular here.)
"BOBBY! NO!!!! That's Mommy's special water!"
The French drink a lot. But for them it is a health benefit. (I never make this stuff up, you can check for yourself.) So what is going on in other countries? If it is not a social benefit, then maybe something else is happening.
Here in Japan, for example, people drink to get drunk.
In the US, on the other hand, we have expressions like, "She can really hold her liquor!" which suggest that showing you are high is a minus. In Japan, there is no social opprobrium (Latin for "throwing up on someone") for being publicly drunk.
But some people imbibe too much and cause "social consequences". Let me relate an episode from my past as an example, and then we can think about what this might mean to us in our everyday lives.
When I was in junior high school. I rode the trains from my home in Osaka to my school in Kobe – about 60 minutes. Coming back one day, late in the afternoon, I saw a group of three university students sitting across from me on the bench seats of the railway car, clearly drunk. One of them was lying in the lap of another while the third student massaged his back sympathetically.
Not too far down the train from them was an older woman in immaculate kimono and perfect, traditional hairstyle. Clearly bound for some formal event, a tea ceremony or a flower arrangement class, she sat very properly just a little ways "down-car" of the drunken students, looking at them out of the corner of her eye from time to time.
In those days, the trains had no air conditioning; we opened the windows to let the breezes blow through. So all the windows were wide open, being that it was a sultry, warm, early summer day.
The student, who was lying in the lap of his fellow drunkard, suddenly reared up and started puffing at the cheeks. The other two quickly guided him to the open window to expel the drink and whatever it was he had eaten (mostly noodles, it looked like to me) out the window.
Unfortunately, there is a wind dynamic around trains (trust me on this; I know my wind dynamics), and the expelled noodles and drink traveled in an arc out the window where the student was pathetically heaving and back into the train "down-car" where the woman in the kimono was sitting.
Poor woman.
The expelled "stuff" flew in her window and splattered her from perfectly coiffed hair to mid-waist. I could describe to you, the sound of its impact, the splash of ejecta as it bombed her, but maybe you don't want to know.
The students, for their part, were completely oblivious. The incident was "fire and forget"; once the sick one had let loose his troubling stomach contacts, the three returned to their montage of him lying on one's lap while the other rubbed his back.
The dreadfully decorated woman sat calmly, perhaps drawing on her Zen training, and opened her small purse to take out some tissues. She blotted first her hair and then her face, carefully brushing the solid material (you REALLY don't want to know) off her kimono shoulder and sleeve.
She never showed any expression of disgust or dismay. She showed no expression at all! It was like this happened everyday.
I was left wondering how she made it through the rest of her day, smelling like she must have smelled.
What can we learn from this as we enter the holiday season?
1. Some people are way stronger than we are. I could tell you another story about my college roommate in a movie theater to prove this point, but let's just leave it with the woman who was very calm and collected when most of us would have lost it.
2. You don't want to be drinking when later you have to ride a train. I will discuss this next week in the second part of my holiday special about drinking.
3. Air conditioning in railway cars is an important development. This keeps the spew local, like on your classmate's lap (I have seen that too), saving the others in the car from participating in your holiday fun.
So, all of you out there (you know who you are), drink responsibly and stay away from trains.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Across the "Event Boundary" Backwards
In previous posts, I have tried to provide useful advice to seniors on how to stay forever young, how not to appear dead, and mental health. Wearing youthful garb and learning how to handcuff yourself to your comfy seat so that your relatives don't cart you off to the morgue are easy to do, but the mental health issue is one that plagues us on a daily basis.
How many of you "seniors" ("senior" is the new "geezer") have had this experience?
You are sitting in your armchair when it suddenly hits you that you would like a glass of wine. So, you get up and trudge to the kitchen – only about 4 meters (that's eight fluid ounces in the US system) away – and then stand there, wondering what you are doing in the kitchen.
I can hear you asking, "Why DO we get up from our armchairs and shuffle into the kitchen and then stand there and look around the room like we have entered another dimension?"
An excellent question! And you will be delighted to know, that apparently it is not ALL due to your fading mental capacities!
That's right. In a way you HAVE entered another dimension. Something that psychologists call an "event boundary" is also to blame.
The simple act of walking through a doorway separates the activities in your mind. On one side of the doorway your mind is thinking, "Wine.... wine... wine!" but by passing through that doorway, your mind compartmentalizes the wine thoughts and leaves them somewhere, probably in the washing machine, and then takes up a new thought as you enter the kitchen, "WTF am I doing in here?"
What can we do about this debilitating phenomenon to prevent us from looking completely senile as we scuff through doors and wake up in a new reality due to "boundary events"?
Yours truly – ever eager to roll back the years and delay geezerdom – has found the perfect solution.
Apparently walking backward is very good for your brain. In a nutshell, it provides a way of breaking routine, keeping your attention, and engaging your senses in a novel way, all of which contribute to good mental health! Using this technique while exercising has been proven in research studies to be helpful, but what I am proposing here is that you incorporate this into your everyday routine.
I can hear you all saying, "He's lost it! No way am I going to walk backwards at work! Never mind trying to get a date doing that. Sheesh!"
That is not what I am proposing.
No.
What I am suggesting is that when you are confronted with an "event boundary" like a doorway at home, you turn around and pass through it backwards. In this way, you can avoid the "senior" blanking-out embarrassment and present a more youthful aspect to those who are watching you closely for signs that you need to go the nursing home.
Not one to only give advice to others, I tested this new technique out myself. Whenever I wanted a glass of wine, I would stand up and walk towards the kitchen normally, and then turn around backwards when I crossed between the rooms. Each and every time I was able to remember that it was wine I was after!*
With this new advance in mental health maintenance, I hope that you can continue to live a meaningful and useful life as you age.
- - - - - - - - - -
*WARNING: While mental acuity is improved by walking backwards through the "event boundaries", physical coordination may be affected by the wine you manage to drink as a result. Stumbling, and dragging the dish rack on top of you as you fall down, and breaking someone's favorite mug is MUCH easier while walking backwards.
Just to let you know.
How many of you "seniors" ("senior" is the new "geezer") have had this experience?
You are sitting in your armchair when it suddenly hits you that you would like a glass of wine. So, you get up and trudge to the kitchen – only about 4 meters (that's eight fluid ounces in the US system) away – and then stand there, wondering what you are doing in the kitchen.
I can hear you asking, "Why DO we get up from our armchairs and shuffle into the kitchen and then stand there and look around the room like we have entered another dimension?"
An excellent question! And you will be delighted to know, that apparently it is not ALL due to your fading mental capacities!
That's right. In a way you HAVE entered another dimension. Something that psychologists call an "event boundary" is also to blame.
The simple act of walking through a doorway separates the activities in your mind. On one side of the doorway your mind is thinking, "Wine.... wine... wine!" but by passing through that doorway, your mind compartmentalizes the wine thoughts and leaves them somewhere, probably in the washing machine, and then takes up a new thought as you enter the kitchen, "WTF am I doing in here?"
What can we do about this debilitating phenomenon to prevent us from looking completely senile as we scuff through doors and wake up in a new reality due to "boundary events"?
Yours truly – ever eager to roll back the years and delay geezerdom – has found the perfect solution.
Apparently walking backward is very good for your brain. In a nutshell, it provides a way of breaking routine, keeping your attention, and engaging your senses in a novel way, all of which contribute to good mental health! Using this technique while exercising has been proven in research studies to be helpful, but what I am proposing here is that you incorporate this into your everyday routine.
I can hear you all saying, "He's lost it! No way am I going to walk backwards at work! Never mind trying to get a date doing that. Sheesh!"
That is not what I am proposing.
No.
What I am suggesting is that when you are confronted with an "event boundary" like a doorway at home, you turn around and pass through it backwards. In this way, you can avoid the "senior" blanking-out embarrassment and present a more youthful aspect to those who are watching you closely for signs that you need to go the nursing home.
Not one to only give advice to others, I tested this new technique out myself. Whenever I wanted a glass of wine, I would stand up and walk towards the kitchen normally, and then turn around backwards when I crossed between the rooms. Each and every time I was able to remember that it was wine I was after!*
With this new advance in mental health maintenance, I hope that you can continue to live a meaningful and useful life as you age.
- - - - - - - - - -
*WARNING: While mental acuity is improved by walking backwards through the "event boundaries", physical coordination may be affected by the wine you manage to drink as a result. Stumbling, and dragging the dish rack on top of you as you fall down, and breaking someone's favorite mug is MUCH easier while walking backwards.
Just to let you know.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Phones & Skirts
Lately in Japan, a fad of taking pictures up women's skirts has been in the news. This is such a culturally interesting phenomenon that – yours truly, Hard Hitting News Hound – needed to get to the bottom of it (no pun intended).
What better place to start than at the electronics store where the "offending devices" are being sold.
Salesperson: May I help you?
HHNH: Yes... er... I am interested in the devices that the people in the news have been using to take pictures up women's skirts. What do you in the business think about this trend.
Salesperson: Trend? Ha ha! I understand completely!
No problem! (He inexplicably winked at me.)
Let me show you some of the more popular models over here.
You DO know that ALL phones sold in Japan HAVE to make a sound when a still shot is made, right? I just want to be sure you know the basics...
HHNH: Really?
Salesperson: Yes.
So what has become really popular these days is taking videos. You can edit out still shots later if you want.
Here.... have a look at this one. The iPhones are popular but I think they are really too big for this kind of work.
I find...
I mean... if someone wanted to take those kinds of pictures...
um... what I mean to say is that nowadays we offer a lot of phones that are very slim and inconspicuous and which also take video. Their main feature is that they fit into your pocket very easily.
HHNH: You don't say...
Salesperson: Yes. So there are basically two types... the "one box" type and the "extendable type" phones. The iPhone and similar are the one box type of phone, and I find that they really don't give you much extension...
I mean... hahahaha!
If you want to take pictures, it is often best to have a little reach.
So I am recommending the extendable type of phone. Like this one! Look how when you slide open the lid it really extends the camera almost 10 centimeters!
I have this model. It works really great!
HHNH: How nice....
Salesperson: Oh! Another thing about the shutter sound. Some phones make more noise than others, so if you really need to take the still shots instead of the video, you will want to choose the quieter ones. Generally, your one-box type phones make more noise than the others. Take mine here; for example, it's not so bad. Here, let me show you. I will take a picture and you tell me what you think?
HHNH: Er.... OK....
Salesperson: (aims phone at the phone display in the store and presses the camera button) See? Hardly any sound at all. You can also disable the shutter sound if you really want to take still shots. Or you can soften the sound by putting tape or a seal on the back of the phone like this. (He shows me a large Hello Kitty seal on the back of his phone.)
HHNH: How interesting...
Salesperson: You can also take pictures with portable media players like the JAL guy used. These have the advantage of not making any sound and also look less like a camera. That's where that university professor was so stupid, using a mirror when he could EASILY have taken pictures. And that guy in Okinawa! What an idiot, using a camera! There is really no reason to be so obvious! It is so easy to get really good pictures up women's skirts without being noticed... there are whole web sites devoted to posting them! You really should check them out; do you want the URLs? I have them right here on my phone!
HHNH: It's OK. Thank you so much for your help.
Salesperson: So do you want one of these phones?
HHNH: No, thank you very much.
Salesperson: How about this portable media player with a camera function? Nobody will notice even in a crowded train!
HHNH: It's OK. Thanks.
Salesperson: Well, don't try anything with YOUR phone. It's an antique!
HHNH: Yes, thank you for the advice.
What better place to start than at the electronics store where the "offending devices" are being sold.
Salesperson: May I help you?
HHNH: Yes... er... I am interested in the devices that the people in the news have been using to take pictures up women's skirts. What do you in the business think about this trend.
Salesperson: Trend? Ha ha! I understand completely!
No problem! (He inexplicably winked at me.)
Let me show you some of the more popular models over here.
You DO know that ALL phones sold in Japan HAVE to make a sound when a still shot is made, right? I just want to be sure you know the basics...
HHNH: Really?
Salesperson: Yes.
So what has become really popular these days is taking videos. You can edit out still shots later if you want.
Here.... have a look at this one. The iPhones are popular but I think they are really too big for this kind of work.
I find...
I mean... if someone wanted to take those kinds of pictures...
um... what I mean to say is that nowadays we offer a lot of phones that are very slim and inconspicuous and which also take video. Their main feature is that they fit into your pocket very easily.
HHNH: You don't say...
Salesperson: Yes. So there are basically two types... the "one box" type and the "extendable type" phones. The iPhone and similar are the one box type of phone, and I find that they really don't give you much extension...
I mean... hahahaha!
If you want to take pictures, it is often best to have a little reach.
So I am recommending the extendable type of phone. Like this one! Look how when you slide open the lid it really extends the camera almost 10 centimeters!
I have this model. It works really great!
HHNH: How nice....
Salesperson: Oh! Another thing about the shutter sound. Some phones make more noise than others, so if you really need to take the still shots instead of the video, you will want to choose the quieter ones. Generally, your one-box type phones make more noise than the others. Take mine here; for example, it's not so bad. Here, let me show you. I will take a picture and you tell me what you think?
HHNH: Er.... OK....
Salesperson: (aims phone at the phone display in the store and presses the camera button) See? Hardly any sound at all. You can also disable the shutter sound if you really want to take still shots. Or you can soften the sound by putting tape or a seal on the back of the phone like this. (He shows me a large Hello Kitty seal on the back of his phone.)
HHNH: How interesting...
Salesperson: You can also take pictures with portable media players like the JAL guy used. These have the advantage of not making any sound and also look less like a camera. That's where that university professor was so stupid, using a mirror when he could EASILY have taken pictures. And that guy in Okinawa! What an idiot, using a camera! There is really no reason to be so obvious! It is so easy to get really good pictures up women's skirts without being noticed... there are whole web sites devoted to posting them! You really should check them out; do you want the URLs? I have them right here on my phone!
HHNH: It's OK. Thank you so much for your help.
Salesperson: So do you want one of these phones?
HHNH: No, thank you very much.
Salesperson: How about this portable media player with a camera function? Nobody will notice even in a crowded train!
HHNH: It's OK. Thanks.
Salesperson: Well, don't try anything with YOUR phone. It's an antique!
HHNH: Yes, thank you for the advice.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
The Disaccharides Did Not Fight the Spartans
Today's subject is delicate, but as a public service, I would like to pass along this important health information. Nobody needs to suffer in silence any longer.
Let's listen to a first person report of how traumatic this can be and a researcher's presentation on the subject.
Interview
Sharon (not her real name): Is the mike on?
Researcher: Yes, Sharon, please go on... tell us about your ordeal.
S: Well, the other night my husband, George, and I went over to my former, college roommate's house for dinner? Her name is Tiffany. She had her boss and some people from her company over for dinner, and invited us too, since we are old friends.
Tiffany is nice enough, but she always thinks she is such a great cook and all? But really she's not. She made some...oh... Her husband, Bruce, was there too ... He's kind of cute... Anyway... (You know, I have heard that they really don't get along anymore? Susan, another friend from college, said that they haven't had sex for months!)
R: Yes... and can you tell us about YOUR problem?
S: What?
R: The "problem" you wanted to tell us about?
S: Ohhh! Yes.... so anyway, Tiffany brings out these horse ovaries? It was like little crackers with...
R: Horse ovaries?
S: Yes, that's French for appetizers, apparently. I don't speak French, though I studied Spanish in high school... oh my god, the teacher... what WAS his name... Juan or something... he was SUCH a doll...
R: Appetizers... OK, so Tiffany made them?
S: Yes! Some soft cheesy stuff on crackers? And I ate them... actually they were not too bad... not like the last time when she made this dip out of tuna fish and whalapeeno peppers... oh my god! It was like SO awful... George, my hubby, ate one of them and almost had a heart attack, it was so bad. HAHAHAHA!! Tiffany is such a....
R: Yes... yes... so what about the appetizers?
S: What?
Oh! Yes... so I ate several of those crackery things. But no sooner did I eat them than I started to feel really uncomfortable.
R: Can you describe the discomfort for us please?
S: Well, my stomach bloated up like a freaking watermelon! I am not kidding about this. And it kept getting bigger and bigger... My husband, George (who NEVER notices ANYTHING about me), even asked about it! So, I didn't know what to do. The pressure... you would NOT believe!
R: So what happened.
S: I was so ashamed....
R: I know this is painful, but could you tell us in your own words what happened next?
S: Well... eventually I could not hold in the pressure anymore, so I told Tiffany ... and Bruce... Bruce is her husband... He's really cute...
R: You told her WHAT?!
S: Yes? ... oh... yes... I told her that I needed to use the "powder room", but as I got up from my seat... I swear... I had no idea... maybe it was the sudden lifting off of the weight or something? But anyway, the pressure was suddenly gone and I .... oh my...
R: You ... um... released something?
S: Yes... I let this big gas thing... it was horrible.... and there simply was no way to hide it... the noise and all. EVERYONE looked at me. I was SO humiliated. So Bruce, my husband... NO! Sorry... ha ha... Bruce is Tiffany's husband... ha ha...
So George, my husband, told me I should go see a doctor, so I did. And she told me I had IBS.
Researcher: IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This can strike anyone at any time. What a terrible thing to experience when you least expect it! You need to watch your diet to avoid this becoming a blight on your life. Here is what to avoid:
1. Basically all fruit.
2. Pretty much all vegetables too.
3. Cereals and grains? Forget them. And don't even LOOK at pasta!
4. Dairy? Nuh uh.
5. Beans and whatever? Forget about them too.
All of these contain disaccharides and other things which cause your bowels to knot up and produce apocalyptic quantities of gas!
The only thing that is not on the list is meat. So eat a lot of meat, and you will feel better soon.
Let's check in on Sharon and see what she did.
Interview continues
R: So what did you do to deal with this embarrassing problem?
S: Oh my god! Tiffany had a HUGE fit... she said I totally ruined her whole relationship with her boss (I think they have something going on... but don't tell her I said so...), and she completely stopped talking to me!
R: Yes, yes.... but what did you DO to cure this problem?
S: Oh! Yes! I looked it up on the internet, and it seems that I need to eat more meat. So I have been making burgers and steaks every night.
But you know? Bruce... Tiffany's husband? He was so sweet. He sent me an email telling me that he thought Tiffany had gone a little too far with being upset and all? I mean... passing out and everything? Now... I think that was all a fake! Anyway, HE said he would like to make it up to me, so we are meeting for lunch on Wednesday at that BBQ place on 1st. All meat! I think everything will work out fine!
R: Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us, Sharon. Do you have any final advice for others who might be plagued by IBS like you were?
S: Oh yes! First... never ever eat any of Tiffany's horse ovaries. Oh my god... you will blow up and die! Next, stick to a diet of high protein...meat and stuff. You will be fine!
R: Thank you so much for sharing this traumatic experience with us so that others can benefit from your experience.
S: It was my pleasure!
Let's listen to a first person report of how traumatic this can be and a researcher's presentation on the subject.
Interview
Sharon (not her real name): Is the mike on?
Researcher: Yes, Sharon, please go on... tell us about your ordeal.
S: Well, the other night my husband, George, and I went over to my former, college roommate's house for dinner? Her name is Tiffany. She had her boss and some people from her company over for dinner, and invited us too, since we are old friends.
Tiffany is nice enough, but she always thinks she is such a great cook and all? But really she's not. She made some...oh... Her husband, Bruce, was there too ... He's kind of cute... Anyway... (You know, I have heard that they really don't get along anymore? Susan, another friend from college, said that they haven't had sex for months!)
R: Yes... and can you tell us about YOUR problem?
S: What?
R: The "problem" you wanted to tell us about?
S: Ohhh! Yes.... so anyway, Tiffany brings out these horse ovaries? It was like little crackers with...
R: Horse ovaries?
S: Yes, that's French for appetizers, apparently. I don't speak French, though I studied Spanish in high school... oh my god, the teacher... what WAS his name... Juan or something... he was SUCH a doll...
R: Appetizers... OK, so Tiffany made them?
S: Yes! Some soft cheesy stuff on crackers? And I ate them... actually they were not too bad... not like the last time when she made this dip out of tuna fish and whalapeeno peppers... oh my god! It was like SO awful... George, my hubby, ate one of them and almost had a heart attack, it was so bad. HAHAHAHA!! Tiffany is such a....
R: Yes... yes... so what about the appetizers?
S: What?
Oh! Yes... so I ate several of those crackery things. But no sooner did I eat them than I started to feel really uncomfortable.
R: Can you describe the discomfort for us please?
S: Well, my stomach bloated up like a freaking watermelon! I am not kidding about this. And it kept getting bigger and bigger... My husband, George (who NEVER notices ANYTHING about me), even asked about it! So, I didn't know what to do. The pressure... you would NOT believe!
R: So what happened.
S: I was so ashamed....
R: I know this is painful, but could you tell us in your own words what happened next?
S: Well... eventually I could not hold in the pressure anymore, so I told Tiffany ... and Bruce... Bruce is her husband... He's really cute...
R: You told her WHAT?!
S: Yes? ... oh... yes... I told her that I needed to use the "powder room", but as I got up from my seat... I swear... I had no idea... maybe it was the sudden lifting off of the weight or something? But anyway, the pressure was suddenly gone and I .... oh my...
R: You ... um... released something?
S: Yes... I let this big gas thing... it was horrible.... and there simply was no way to hide it... the noise and all. EVERYONE looked at me. I was SO humiliated. So Bruce, my husband... NO! Sorry... ha ha... Bruce is Tiffany's husband... ha ha...
So George, my husband, told me I should go see a doctor, so I did. And she told me I had IBS.
Researcher: IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This can strike anyone at any time. What a terrible thing to experience when you least expect it! You need to watch your diet to avoid this becoming a blight on your life. Here is what to avoid:
1. Basically all fruit.
2. Pretty much all vegetables too.
3. Cereals and grains? Forget them. And don't even LOOK at pasta!
4. Dairy? Nuh uh.
5. Beans and whatever? Forget about them too.
All of these contain disaccharides and other things which cause your bowels to knot up and produce apocalyptic quantities of gas!
The only thing that is not on the list is meat. So eat a lot of meat, and you will feel better soon.
Let's check in on Sharon and see what she did.
Interview continues
R: So what did you do to deal with this embarrassing problem?
S: Oh my god! Tiffany had a HUGE fit... she said I totally ruined her whole relationship with her boss (I think they have something going on... but don't tell her I said so...), and she completely stopped talking to me!
R: Yes, yes.... but what did you DO to cure this problem?
S: Oh! Yes! I looked it up on the internet, and it seems that I need to eat more meat. So I have been making burgers and steaks every night.
But you know? Bruce... Tiffany's husband? He was so sweet. He sent me an email telling me that he thought Tiffany had gone a little too far with being upset and all? I mean... passing out and everything? Now... I think that was all a fake! Anyway, HE said he would like to make it up to me, so we are meeting for lunch on Wednesday at that BBQ place on 1st. All meat! I think everything will work out fine!
R: Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us, Sharon. Do you have any final advice for others who might be plagued by IBS like you were?
S: Oh yes! First... never ever eat any of Tiffany's horse ovaries. Oh my god... you will blow up and die! Next, stick to a diet of high protein...meat and stuff. You will be fine!
R: Thank you so much for sharing this traumatic experience with us so that others can benefit from your experience.
S: It was my pleasure!
Monday, November 14, 2011
In God We Trust
It's official. Most of the Republican candidates for the Presidency claim to have been called by God to step up and run for office. Herman Cain is the latest of the group chosen by God to make the chase for the highest office in the land, but Michelle Bachman, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum (whose name has become part of the urban dictionary) have also heard the call from heaven.
Naturally, I was curious about why God would call so many of them to campaign for office. I needed to find out why, but how?
Obviously prayer, the kind of sustained effort employed by Herman Cain, would be one way to find out what is behind God's apparent shotgun approach to Republican opposition. Unfortunately, however, I have not prayed since I was a very small boy, and even then I was not all that convinced that my requests for a pair of soccer boots were making much headway, so some other way would be required.
The power of deductive reasoning!
Now here is a technique I might be good at. I am well educated and of average intelligence, surely I could apply my God-given brain power to this issue and arrive – like Sherlock Holmes – at an answer. To quote the great detective, "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
So, we must first eliminate the impossible.
One cannot doubt the sincerity of the Republican field in their claims of being called by God. They all must have heard "something", and the still, small voices in their hearts were not telling them to "go ahead... eat the fruit of knowledge!" There is no evidence of knowledge-fruit eating among them. No, the voices were telling them to run for office, the highest office in the land.
So in conclusion, they all did receive the call. It must be true.
If there is no question of veracity on the part of the receivers, then, we must consider the sending end of the conversation. Why would God call on four Republicans to run for office? After all, in the Bible, God only called on one Job, one Noah and one Moses to save his chosen people from lack of faith, flood, and the Egyptians. There must be some reason that we can deduce from the evidence at hand.
Would an all-knowing God need to "cover his bases", so to speak, by fielding an array of candidates in case one of them proved unworthy?
Impossible.
Would an omnipotent God call so many so that the best among them would rise to the top?
Never happened before. And what about Romney?
Could a creator God be trying to muddy the Republican field (have you EVER seen so many people "debating" before?) to sow confusion in the opposition ranks?
Bingo!
With the impossible eliminated, the improbable rises like sweet cream to the surface.
God is a Democrat.
Naturally, I was curious about why God would call so many of them to campaign for office. I needed to find out why, but how?
Obviously prayer, the kind of sustained effort employed by Herman Cain, would be one way to find out what is behind God's apparent shotgun approach to Republican opposition. Unfortunately, however, I have not prayed since I was a very small boy, and even then I was not all that convinced that my requests for a pair of soccer boots were making much headway, so some other way would be required.
The power of deductive reasoning!
Now here is a technique I might be good at. I am well educated and of average intelligence, surely I could apply my God-given brain power to this issue and arrive – like Sherlock Holmes – at an answer. To quote the great detective, "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
So, we must first eliminate the impossible.
One cannot doubt the sincerity of the Republican field in their claims of being called by God. They all must have heard "something", and the still, small voices in their hearts were not telling them to "go ahead... eat the fruit of knowledge!" There is no evidence of knowledge-fruit eating among them. No, the voices were telling them to run for office, the highest office in the land.
So in conclusion, they all did receive the call. It must be true.
If there is no question of veracity on the part of the receivers, then, we must consider the sending end of the conversation. Why would God call on four Republicans to run for office? After all, in the Bible, God only called on one Job, one Noah and one Moses to save his chosen people from lack of faith, flood, and the Egyptians. There must be some reason that we can deduce from the evidence at hand.
Would an all-knowing God need to "cover his bases", so to speak, by fielding an array of candidates in case one of them proved unworthy?
Impossible.
Would an omnipotent God call so many so that the best among them would rise to the top?
Never happened before. And what about Romney?
Could a creator God be trying to muddy the Republican field (have you EVER seen so many people "debating" before?) to sow confusion in the opposition ranks?
Bingo!
With the impossible eliminated, the improbable rises like sweet cream to the surface.
God is a Democrat.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
For a Few Dollars More
Once again it is time to stop sitting on the sidelines and griping about politics and actually come up with a productive solution for a change. One simply cannot stand by here in Japan and watch as the government digs a financial hole for itself, deeper and deeper. The yen resists any attempt to hold it down and despite huge government purchases of US dollars to weaken the yen, the Japanese currency pops back up stronger than ever. There really is only one solution, and it surprises me that this has not even been discussed.
Japan should switch to the dollar.
No, I am not kidding.
Let's look at the numbers.
First, how many dollars are actually out there?
There is a total of a few more than 800 billion dollars in circulation, most of which is outside the United States. Japan already holds about one point one trillion dollars of foreign currency reserves, and we can guess that the bulk of that amount is held in dollars (a lot of it in bonds, etc., not paper money).
The information that I got from the Bank of Japan* for the total amount of Japanese currency in circulation (again much of it held overseas) is about 50 trillion yen, or at current rates, only 640 billion US dollars.
In other words, the goal of obtaining enough greenbacks to replace the yen currency is already within the grasp of the Japanese government; this is a doable thing.
What would be the benefits of switching currencies?
1. Exporters would no longer need to worry about fluctuations in currency values affecting their bottom lines. Trading with the US would make Japan very much like a domestic US company since employees' salaries, subcontractors' charges, and even local Japanese taxes would all be dollar denominated. Exports would remain competitive, and revenues from these exports would not lose value due to a rise in currency values.
2. Japanese companies would have the advantages of local US companies but none of the disadvantages since they would not have to pay US federal or state taxes. This might result in a repatriation of many of the manufacturing jobs that have been exported to the US over the past 30 years. These could be allocated to the disaster stricken areas and provide a huge lift to the local economies there.
3. Natural resource suppliers are usually paid in dollars, so this switchover to the US currency would stabilize prices for these key supplies.
4. Japan's foreign exchange reserves, much of which is held in US Government bonds, would suddenly show good returns (relative to Japanese investments) and would no longer lose large amounts of value due to currency exchange fluctuations. US bonds bought only as long ago as 2001 would have cost the Japanese government 121.05 yen per dollar. If those bonds matured today (11/7), they would be worth only ??? per dollar, a whopping loss of ???%.
5. China seems to be trying to undermine Japan's effort to weaken its currency, so a switch to the US dollar would completely eviscerate that kind of underhanded geo-political move.
(No offense, China.)
6. The costs of printing new bills, and dealing with old money would be sent off-shore, saving the Bank of Japan millions of dollars in printing and currency management processes.
7. By attaching its financial system to the greenback, Japan's S&P rating would go from its current AA– to a more attractive AA+. Since the currency is the US currency, however, the Japanese government, like individual states in the US, would not be in the position of having to pay interest on bonds other than those they issued. The higher rating would tend to make that interest rate lower.
8. Suddenly being adopted by the number three economy on the planet, the dollar would immediately strengthen in value, giving Japan's economy a huge boost at a time when they desperately need that additional leverage.
9. Interest rates would go up giving Japanese consumers a better return on their investments.
Of course, it would not be a completely rosy change. What would be the deficits of such a move?
1. ATM machines, banks and bankers and the economy as a whole would have to be retooled to accept the new money.
2. Japanese coins would have to be "reinnumerated" so that they could be continued to be used for some time, as getting US coinage would be problematic. This would not be a big problem: the 500 yen coin would be $5, 100 yen $1.00 and so on down the list. While this may look like a one-to-one hundred dollar-yen exchange, way higher than the current rate, this would not necessarily be the rate that Japanese currency would be purchased by the government from consumers. The use of the coinage in this way would take place after the paper money was already in circulation.
3. It would remove the Japanese yen as one of the top foreign reserve currencies, forcing other nations to put more of their reserves into other currencies, probably the US dollar. Japan would lose its unique access to international borrowing.
4. Interest rates would go up making mortgages and other capital purchases more expensive. In the same way that state by state interest rates in the US are very nearly the same, Japanese rates would inevitably fall into step with them as Japan's banks and lending institutions would be using the same currency.
5. The "touchy-feely" aspects of having your own currency would be lost, but the Euro community did it (so far), and I haven't heard a lot of whining about not being able to use Lira, Francs, or Deutsche Marks recently.
While the minuses of such an action seem troubling, none of them is insurmountable and the benefits of the switch are so clearly worthwhile that the Japanese government should take immediate steps during this current round of dollar purchases to get enough of the currency to implement this plan.
There... now that THIS is taken care of, I can go back to sitting around and doing nothing useful again.
Where's the wine?
– – – – – – – – – –
*Thanks to the Bank of Japan for helping me get some of this data. Cheers!
Japan should switch to the dollar.
No, I am not kidding.
Let's look at the numbers.
First, how many dollars are actually out there?
There is a total of a few more than 800 billion dollars in circulation, most of which is outside the United States. Japan already holds about one point one trillion dollars of foreign currency reserves, and we can guess that the bulk of that amount is held in dollars (a lot of it in bonds, etc., not paper money).
The information that I got from the Bank of Japan* for the total amount of Japanese currency in circulation (again much of it held overseas) is about 50 trillion yen, or at current rates, only 640 billion US dollars.
In other words, the goal of obtaining enough greenbacks to replace the yen currency is already within the grasp of the Japanese government; this is a doable thing.
What would be the benefits of switching currencies?
1. Exporters would no longer need to worry about fluctuations in currency values affecting their bottom lines. Trading with the US would make Japan very much like a domestic US company since employees' salaries, subcontractors' charges, and even local Japanese taxes would all be dollar denominated. Exports would remain competitive, and revenues from these exports would not lose value due to a rise in currency values.
2. Japanese companies would have the advantages of local US companies but none of the disadvantages since they would not have to pay US federal or state taxes. This might result in a repatriation of many of the manufacturing jobs that have been exported to the US over the past 30 years. These could be allocated to the disaster stricken areas and provide a huge lift to the local economies there.
3. Natural resource suppliers are usually paid in dollars, so this switchover to the US currency would stabilize prices for these key supplies.
4. Japan's foreign exchange reserves, much of which is held in US Government bonds, would suddenly show good returns (relative to Japanese investments) and would no longer lose large amounts of value due to currency exchange fluctuations. US bonds bought only as long ago as 2001 would have cost the Japanese government 121.05 yen per dollar. If those bonds matured today (11/7), they would be worth only ??? per dollar, a whopping loss of ???%.
5. China seems to be trying to undermine Japan's effort to weaken its currency, so a switch to the US dollar would completely eviscerate that kind of underhanded geo-political move.
(No offense, China.)
6. The costs of printing new bills, and dealing with old money would be sent off-shore, saving the Bank of Japan millions of dollars in printing and currency management processes.
7. By attaching its financial system to the greenback, Japan's S&P rating would go from its current AA– to a more attractive AA+. Since the currency is the US currency, however, the Japanese government, like individual states in the US, would not be in the position of having to pay interest on bonds other than those they issued. The higher rating would tend to make that interest rate lower.
8. Suddenly being adopted by the number three economy on the planet, the dollar would immediately strengthen in value, giving Japan's economy a huge boost at a time when they desperately need that additional leverage.
9. Interest rates would go up giving Japanese consumers a better return on their investments.
Of course, it would not be a completely rosy change. What would be the deficits of such a move?
1. ATM machines, banks and bankers and the economy as a whole would have to be retooled to accept the new money.
2. Japanese coins would have to be "reinnumerated" so that they could be continued to be used for some time, as getting US coinage would be problematic. This would not be a big problem: the 500 yen coin would be $5, 100 yen $1.00 and so on down the list. While this may look like a one-to-one hundred dollar-yen exchange, way higher than the current rate, this would not necessarily be the rate that Japanese currency would be purchased by the government from consumers. The use of the coinage in this way would take place after the paper money was already in circulation.
3. It would remove the Japanese yen as one of the top foreign reserve currencies, forcing other nations to put more of their reserves into other currencies, probably the US dollar. Japan would lose its unique access to international borrowing.
4. Interest rates would go up making mortgages and other capital purchases more expensive. In the same way that state by state interest rates in the US are very nearly the same, Japanese rates would inevitably fall into step with them as Japan's banks and lending institutions would be using the same currency.
5. The "touchy-feely" aspects of having your own currency would be lost, but the Euro community did it (so far), and I haven't heard a lot of whining about not being able to use Lira, Francs, or Deutsche Marks recently.
While the minuses of such an action seem troubling, none of them is insurmountable and the benefits of the switch are so clearly worthwhile that the Japanese government should take immediate steps during this current round of dollar purchases to get enough of the currency to implement this plan.
There... now that THIS is taken care of, I can go back to sitting around and doing nothing useful again.
Where's the wine?
– – – – – – – – – –
*Thanks to the Bank of Japan for helping me get some of this data. Cheers!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Nuclear Power in Dog Years
Every now and then something appears in the news that regardless of how often you read it through still resists understanding. A recent article about the costs of nuclear accidents presents just such a problem.
Since many of you are probably too tired to read the whole report (it IS Monday), the pertinent point is copied below.
"According to the subcommittee (of the Japan Atomic Energy Commission), the total operating hours of Japan's nuclear reactors to date is equivalent to more than 1,400 years. Due to the fact that the Fukushima power plant's three nuclear reactors experienced severe accidents, the subcommittee estimated such incidents would occur once in every 500 years."
Now YOU know and *I know that the nuclear power plants at Fukushima were first commissioned in 1971. Now I am not good at math, but that seems to be something like 40 years ago. Am I missing something?
A Hard Hitting News Hound doesn't stop there, however, he goes for the in-depth look at the issues. I needed to talk to someone on the spot and scored an interview with Mr. Hosha Sen of the Japan Atomic Energy Commission Subcommittee.
His secretary showed me into his office where he was busily taking papers off of one pile, stamping them and putting them on another pile. A cigarette with a long ash dangled from his lip.
Mr. Sen: Who are you?
HHNH: I am the reporter who requested the interview with you today.
Mr. Sen: Nobody said anything about a foreigner....
HHNH: I'm sorry...
Mr. Sen: No matter... I am happy to explain the virtues of nuclear power to anyone and to make clear how it is our only hope for a continued supply of energy for today and going forward.
HHNH: Yes....
Mr. Sen: The public demands electricity! And we have the means to provide it safely and in large quantities well into the future!
HHNH: Yes.... um... What I am interested in asking is about a recent news release from your subcommittee about the frequency of nuclear accidents?
Mr. Sen: Yes? (He arranges the stamped papers into a neat pile and pats it thoughtfully.)
HHNH: Your subcommittee said that an accident would only occur every 500 years and that the power plants had already been in operation for 1400 years.
Mr. Sen: Yes! It just goes to show how open we are and eager to err on the side of safety. The 500 year calculation is actually based on the total 1400 years of operation. If we were to be completely accurate we would have divided the 1400 years by 3 and come up with an unrounded figure of 466.66 years. But since we want to make things easier for the public to understand, we rounded it up — UP, mind you! — to 500. (He sat back in his chair with a very satisfied look on his face.)
HHNH: I see... Correct me if I am wrong here, but weren't the nuclear power plants built in 1971? I don't remember reading about them in the Kojiki (ancient Japanese text).
Mr. Sen: HA HA! You foreigners with your jokes! (He flicks the ash off his cigarette.) Let me see if I can explain this in a way that even YOU will understand. (He looks at me like I probably won't.) You see... nuclear power plants use a different way of calculating years. Hmm... how can I explain this to someone who doesn't understand anything.... Well... you know how they say a dog ages 6 years for every year a human ages?
HHNH: Uh...yes?
Mr. Sen: Good... you grasp the principle then. Nuclear power plants are like dogs. Of course WE know the power plants in Fukushima were commissioned in 1971; WE monitored their construction! That was 40 human years ago. However for the nuclear power plants, that was 1400 years ago. Do you get it?
HHNH: Sort of...
Mr. Sen: Good. The 1400 years of operation is actually ALL of the nuclear power plants in Japan, so the fact that we had an incident at Fukushima's three reactors means that we can expect an episode every 500 years or so. Which means that nuclear power is very safe!
HHNH: But... but...
Mr. Sen: I mean, what other power supplier can say that they won't have an accident but once every 500 years?! NONE! (He hits the table with his fist.) None I tell you!
HHNH: But...
Mr. Sen: Thank you for coming around today... Mr.... Mr... Mr. Foreigner? The secretary will show you the way out.
There you have it. We can trust that we won't have another nuclear incident until 2511 or 2050, depending on whether it's nuclear power plant years or human years we count.
I am so relieved.
Since many of you are probably too tired to read the whole report (it IS Monday), the pertinent point is copied below.
"According to the subcommittee (of the Japan Atomic Energy Commission), the total operating hours of Japan's nuclear reactors to date is equivalent to more than 1,400 years. Due to the fact that the Fukushima power plant's three nuclear reactors experienced severe accidents, the subcommittee estimated such incidents would occur once in every 500 years."
Now YOU know and *I know that the nuclear power plants at Fukushima were first commissioned in 1971. Now I am not good at math, but that seems to be something like 40 years ago. Am I missing something?
A Hard Hitting News Hound doesn't stop there, however, he goes for the in-depth look at the issues. I needed to talk to someone on the spot and scored an interview with Mr. Hosha Sen of the Japan Atomic Energy Commission Subcommittee.
His secretary showed me into his office where he was busily taking papers off of one pile, stamping them and putting them on another pile. A cigarette with a long ash dangled from his lip.
Mr. Sen: Who are you?
HHNH: I am the reporter who requested the interview with you today.
Mr. Sen: Nobody said anything about a foreigner....
HHNH: I'm sorry...
Mr. Sen: No matter... I am happy to explain the virtues of nuclear power to anyone and to make clear how it is our only hope for a continued supply of energy for today and going forward.
HHNH: Yes....
Mr. Sen: The public demands electricity! And we have the means to provide it safely and in large quantities well into the future!
HHNH: Yes.... um... What I am interested in asking is about a recent news release from your subcommittee about the frequency of nuclear accidents?
Mr. Sen: Yes? (He arranges the stamped papers into a neat pile and pats it thoughtfully.)
HHNH: Your subcommittee said that an accident would only occur every 500 years and that the power plants had already been in operation for 1400 years.
Mr. Sen: Yes! It just goes to show how open we are and eager to err on the side of safety. The 500 year calculation is actually based on the total 1400 years of operation. If we were to be completely accurate we would have divided the 1400 years by 3 and come up with an unrounded figure of 466.66 years. But since we want to make things easier for the public to understand, we rounded it up — UP, mind you! — to 500. (He sat back in his chair with a very satisfied look on his face.)
HHNH: I see... Correct me if I am wrong here, but weren't the nuclear power plants built in 1971? I don't remember reading about them in the Kojiki (ancient Japanese text).
Mr. Sen: HA HA! You foreigners with your jokes! (He flicks the ash off his cigarette.) Let me see if I can explain this in a way that even YOU will understand. (He looks at me like I probably won't.) You see... nuclear power plants use a different way of calculating years. Hmm... how can I explain this to someone who doesn't understand anything.... Well... you know how they say a dog ages 6 years for every year a human ages?
HHNH: Uh...yes?
Mr. Sen: Good... you grasp the principle then. Nuclear power plants are like dogs. Of course WE know the power plants in Fukushima were commissioned in 1971; WE monitored their construction! That was 40 human years ago. However for the nuclear power plants, that was 1400 years ago. Do you get it?
HHNH: Sort of...
Mr. Sen: Good. The 1400 years of operation is actually ALL of the nuclear power plants in Japan, so the fact that we had an incident at Fukushima's three reactors means that we can expect an episode every 500 years or so. Which means that nuclear power is very safe!
HHNH: But... but...
Mr. Sen: I mean, what other power supplier can say that they won't have an accident but once every 500 years?! NONE! (He hits the table with his fist.) None I tell you!
HHNH: But...
Mr. Sen: Thank you for coming around today... Mr.... Mr... Mr. Foreigner? The secretary will show you the way out.
There you have it. We can trust that we won't have another nuclear incident until 2511 or 2050, depending on whether it's nuclear power plant years or human years we count.
I am so relieved.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Are Men Necessary? A Letter to Women.
Dear Women,
Hi.
:-)
I know you have been reading the stuff in the press about how men are useless and unnecessary. If you haven't, you are probably living in a cave somewhere and definitely need to get out more.
Anyway, the media is FULL of it: men are not going to college as much as women, men are losing their jobs more than women, men are not doing any work around the house, and men cause all the crimes.
You get the picture; men suck.
As a man, I feel hurt by all this bad press. It's true, my SAT scores were low, but I did eventually graduate from college in about 12 years or so. I also do SOME stuff around the house. Why only the other day... or was it three weeks ago... I picked up my socks and put them in the laundry. Some of us are just late bloomers.
But what I want to talk about today is the good points about men!
Please consider our good points before you put us out with the trash, OK?
Here they are:
1. The remote control.
I know that the issue of men monopolizing the TV remote has been contentious for years. You women would like to take it over so you can cry without interruption while getting absorbed in that chick flick. It's a valid point.
But consider this. If you let your man handle the remote control, he will flick back and forth between the channels, and you will not only be able to cry over your movie but also over the Mariners (who suck big time).
This is a double benefit and makes it worthwhile to keep a man around.
2. The lying around and doing nothing.
It's true; we men tend to lie around and "appear" to be doing nothing as we kick back on the couch and swill our wine with our hands down our pants. But actually, we ARE doing something. We are being decorative.
Like cats!
I mean, you women keep cats around, don't you? What do THEY do? They lie around on the couch and basically do nothing. But they are decorative. We men are too! Plus (and this is so totally a win-win thing) we talk! (sometimes) So we can ask you how your day was and how you feel about things, and then ask you to get us a beer from the fridge.
3. Men's clothes lying around.
Yes.. yes.. I know. If there is ANYTHING worse than OUR lying around, it is our CLOTHES lying around. I admit, we have room for improvement here. But we do know where everything is! I mean, you women lose your keys in your purse! Did you ever think about that? The reason is because things are so concentrated in there. You need to spread things around a little, and then you will have no trouble finding them. We discovered this back in the paleolithic era, so we have a lot of practice, but you women have been too tight and "under control", so you have missed out on this important evolutionary development.
4. Our toys.
"Boys and their toys"! How many times have I heard this said by you women in a condescending sort of way.
I forgive you.
But, you need to think about what is behind us guys wanting the latest gadgets and stuff.
The national economy!
Yes.
You probably think we guys are just farting around on the couch and watching TV and thinking we need a bigger TV so we can watch the Mariners lose in high definition.
Right?
But you are wrong.
We don't mind watching the Mariners lose in low definition.... well.... we do... but not because of the TV.
No, we realize that a lot of jobs (like the one we lost) depend on TV sales. So we are doing our bit to help the national economy when we buy that 42" flat screen TV. We also hope the Seahawks will not only LOOK better but DO better than the Mariners when we buy it.
Oh! And there is that really cool video camera that we can attach to our helmet and stuff? MAN!! Is that awesome or what?!! It is so small and takes video in high definition! Like 90 minutes! I could even attach it to my leg when I go skiing and then post the videos on YouTube. Too cool!
What was I saying?
Oh... right...
5. We don't do anything around the house.
I have done some research about this problem, and I can tell you that this also goes back to the stone age period. There was a cave woman back there who was actually quoted as saying, "BOBO! Will you get off your fat butt and help clean up these bones around the fire? Why do you just throw them around like that anyway!!"
... or something like that. It's an old problem.
I would just like for you modern women to be a little more understanding. That's all.
Let's face it. Men are busy. I mean, even if we don't actually have a job or a hobby and are spending ALL our time lying around with the cats, we are busy. In our heads.... or somewhere. Anyway, the busyness keeps us from seeing what needs to be cleaned up. An eye problem! That's it! Our eyes are different from yours.
6. Not asking directions.
I know this has been your personal peeve for a long time. It's true that we men have a certain reticence to ask for directions when we take the wrong exit off the expressway and bring you to some small oasis in the Mohave desert when we thought we were in Seattle. You women get irritated.
It's different DNA.
You see, we men are hard-wired to look for adventure! Not asking for directions means that every trip – even going to that new, romantic restaurant that you wanted to go to on our anniversary, and that we made the reservation for at 7:00, and we were still driving around at 9:30 – is an opportunity to explore and find something new!
Pizza Hut wasn't THAT bad, was it?
Anyway... don't worry... at least we guys know how much gas is in the tank. (usually)
So what I would like to say in conclusion is that you women are very cool. I think I speak for a lot of men in saying that we like you a lot, and we hope you will consider these positive attributes that I have listed above and keep us. We might be worth it.... maybe.... at least as much as the cats anyway.
Hi.
:-)
I know you have been reading the stuff in the press about how men are useless and unnecessary. If you haven't, you are probably living in a cave somewhere and definitely need to get out more.
Anyway, the media is FULL of it: men are not going to college as much as women, men are losing their jobs more than women, men are not doing any work around the house, and men cause all the crimes.
You get the picture; men suck.
As a man, I feel hurt by all this bad press. It's true, my SAT scores were low, but I did eventually graduate from college in about 12 years or so. I also do SOME stuff around the house. Why only the other day... or was it three weeks ago... I picked up my socks and put them in the laundry. Some of us are just late bloomers.
But what I want to talk about today is the good points about men!
Please consider our good points before you put us out with the trash, OK?
Here they are:
1. The remote control.
I know that the issue of men monopolizing the TV remote has been contentious for years. You women would like to take it over so you can cry without interruption while getting absorbed in that chick flick. It's a valid point.
But consider this. If you let your man handle the remote control, he will flick back and forth between the channels, and you will not only be able to cry over your movie but also over the Mariners (who suck big time).
This is a double benefit and makes it worthwhile to keep a man around.
2. The lying around and doing nothing.
It's true; we men tend to lie around and "appear" to be doing nothing as we kick back on the couch and swill our wine with our hands down our pants. But actually, we ARE doing something. We are being decorative.
Like cats!
I mean, you women keep cats around, don't you? What do THEY do? They lie around on the couch and basically do nothing. But they are decorative. We men are too! Plus (and this is so totally a win-win thing) we talk! (sometimes) So we can ask you how your day was and how you feel about things, and then ask you to get us a beer from the fridge.
3. Men's clothes lying around.
Yes.. yes.. I know. If there is ANYTHING worse than OUR lying around, it is our CLOTHES lying around. I admit, we have room for improvement here. But we do know where everything is! I mean, you women lose your keys in your purse! Did you ever think about that? The reason is because things are so concentrated in there. You need to spread things around a little, and then you will have no trouble finding them. We discovered this back in the paleolithic era, so we have a lot of practice, but you women have been too tight and "under control", so you have missed out on this important evolutionary development.
4. Our toys.
"Boys and their toys"! How many times have I heard this said by you women in a condescending sort of way.
I forgive you.
But, you need to think about what is behind us guys wanting the latest gadgets and stuff.
The national economy!
Yes.
You probably think we guys are just farting around on the couch and watching TV and thinking we need a bigger TV so we can watch the Mariners lose in high definition.
Right?
But you are wrong.
We don't mind watching the Mariners lose in low definition.... well.... we do... but not because of the TV.
No, we realize that a lot of jobs (like the one we lost) depend on TV sales. So we are doing our bit to help the national economy when we buy that 42" flat screen TV. We also hope the Seahawks will not only LOOK better but DO better than the Mariners when we buy it.
Oh! And there is that really cool video camera that we can attach to our helmet and stuff? MAN!! Is that awesome or what?!! It is so small and takes video in high definition! Like 90 minutes! I could even attach it to my leg when I go skiing and then post the videos on YouTube. Too cool!
What was I saying?
Oh... right...
5. We don't do anything around the house.
I have done some research about this problem, and I can tell you that this also goes back to the stone age period. There was a cave woman back there who was actually quoted as saying, "BOBO! Will you get off your fat butt and help clean up these bones around the fire? Why do you just throw them around like that anyway!!"
... or something like that. It's an old problem.
I would just like for you modern women to be a little more understanding. That's all.
Let's face it. Men are busy. I mean, even if we don't actually have a job or a hobby and are spending ALL our time lying around with the cats, we are busy. In our heads.... or somewhere. Anyway, the busyness keeps us from seeing what needs to be cleaned up. An eye problem! That's it! Our eyes are different from yours.
6. Not asking directions.
I know this has been your personal peeve for a long time. It's true that we men have a certain reticence to ask for directions when we take the wrong exit off the expressway and bring you to some small oasis in the Mohave desert when we thought we were in Seattle. You women get irritated.
It's different DNA.
You see, we men are hard-wired to look for adventure! Not asking for directions means that every trip – even going to that new, romantic restaurant that you wanted to go to on our anniversary, and that we made the reservation for at 7:00, and we were still driving around at 9:30 – is an opportunity to explore and find something new!
Pizza Hut wasn't THAT bad, was it?
Anyway... don't worry... at least we guys know how much gas is in the tank. (usually)
So what I would like to say in conclusion is that you women are very cool. I think I speak for a lot of men in saying that we like you a lot, and we hope you will consider these positive attributes that I have listed above and keep us. We might be worth it.... maybe.... at least as much as the cats anyway.
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Police Take Action
In an earlier post, I highlighted the Japanese National Police Agency and its expert handling of the motorcycle gang problem. Once again, the NPA is cracking down, this time on organized crime! As reported in the Yomiuri Newspaper, a new law has been proposed that would allow the National Police Agency to take the dramatic step of actually closing the offices of registered gangs!
No Hard-Hitting News Hound can sit idly by when the news takes a dramatic turn like this, so I just had to get out in the street, pound the pavement and talk directly to the people involved. I first needed to interview those most affected by this new law, the gang members themselves.
I managed to get an appointment with Mr. Chimpira "Punch" Furyo of the notorious Yamaguchi gang, a criminal organization registered as such with the National Police Agency.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today, Mr. Furyo; I really appreciate your taking the...
CF: Get on with it. I don't have all day.
HHNH: Um... so... the National Police Agency is passing a new law that will allow them to keep you out of your offices even if you are only suspected of being involved in a crime. How do you feel about this?
CF: It's a huge inconvenience! All of our documents and records of extortion and prostitution, not to mention the drug dealings and killings are in files and computers in our offices! We store our guns and stuff there too! We have signs on the front of the buildings, so everyone knows where we are and arranging meetings with politicians and so on is easier? What are we supposed to do? Meet in bars like this? (he waved his hand around the room) You just can't do business out of a bar! It's ridiculous! (spittle formed in the corners of his mouth)
HHNH: Yes... yes, I can see how that would be a problem. Do you think it will interfere significantly with your business?
CF: Of course it will! I just don't understand how the new government, faced with an economic crisis of unprecedented proportion, can crack down like this on small business! It's unfair and will only prolong the recovery process! (the blood veins on his neck suggested an aneurysm)
HHNH: How have you been involved in the recovery after the earthquake and tsunami?
CF: We helped the victims after the 1995 Kobe earthquake when the government was slow to respond, and we are also helping in the wake of the recent disaster in the northeastern part of the country. Not being able to get into our offices because the police have silly suspicions is just too much to bear!
Listen, I need to think about moving our documents and computers to the brothel I operate in Nagoya!
This interview is over.
HHNH: Thank you very much for agreeing to be interviewed today.
CF: Show him out, boys!
After I left the mobster's bar, I realized that a Hard Hitting News Hound cannot settle for one side of the story. To be fair, I needed to interview the police as well. Fortunately, I was able to contact Captain Kanarazu Taiho at NPA headquarters in Tokyo.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Captain Taiho.
CT: It's my pleasure. We here at the National Police Agency welcome the interest of the press in our efforts to control crime in this country. Did you know that we solve over 85% of the crimes committed in Japan? (he leans forward and looks at me with his eyebrows raised)
HHNH: That's truly amazing....
CT: Where are you from? Your alien registration is in order, is it?
HHNH: Oh... yes! Definitely in order...
Er... I read recently that the NPA is promoting a new law that would allow it to close the offices of gangs which were suspected of being involved in a crime. Can you elaborate on this new approach?
CT: Absolutely! You see, the criminal gangs do everything in secret, so it is often hard to pin a specific crime on them. By having this new law, we will be able to cause them serious irritation if we suspect them of being involved in something illegal.
HHNH: But they are officially registered with the NPA as criminal gangs, aren't they? Wouldn't this allow you to close their offices at any time?
CT: (throwing back his head and laughing uproariously) Yes!! You understand perfectly! This new law will allow us to simply close their offices any time we want to, forcing them to conduct their business elsewhere.
HHNH: So instead of having them carry out their dealings in a place that you know about, you will force them to move to a secret location to operate?
CT: (leaning forward and looking at me with slitted eyes) Well... if you put it THAT way, it sounds bad, but think about all their documents and computers and so on. They can't easily move them to some warehouse or bar! No... this will be an effective way to disrupt their operations and really get on their nerves.
HHNH: Why don't you actually go into their offices and examine their documents and computers and then maybe arrest some of them?
CT: Are you mad? Foreigners! (he rolls his eyes) We can't do that! What would become of the donations and help they provide in disaster relief? You know our government is strapped for funds; why... we are ranked at the very top in public debt ahead of countries like Zimbabwe and Greece! We need all the help we can get.
HHNH: I see. Well, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview today.
CT: You are most welcome. I am sure you will print a responsible article about our efforts to control gang-related crime.
HHNH: I will do my best.
No Hard-Hitting News Hound can sit idly by when the news takes a dramatic turn like this, so I just had to get out in the street, pound the pavement and talk directly to the people involved. I first needed to interview those most affected by this new law, the gang members themselves.
I managed to get an appointment with Mr. Chimpira "Punch" Furyo of the notorious Yamaguchi gang, a criminal organization registered as such with the National Police Agency.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today, Mr. Furyo; I really appreciate your taking the...
CF: Get on with it. I don't have all day.
HHNH: Um... so... the National Police Agency is passing a new law that will allow them to keep you out of your offices even if you are only suspected of being involved in a crime. How do you feel about this?
CF: It's a huge inconvenience! All of our documents and records of extortion and prostitution, not to mention the drug dealings and killings are in files and computers in our offices! We store our guns and stuff there too! We have signs on the front of the buildings, so everyone knows where we are and arranging meetings with politicians and so on is easier? What are we supposed to do? Meet in bars like this? (he waved his hand around the room) You just can't do business out of a bar! It's ridiculous! (spittle formed in the corners of his mouth)
HHNH: Yes... yes, I can see how that would be a problem. Do you think it will interfere significantly with your business?
CF: Of course it will! I just don't understand how the new government, faced with an economic crisis of unprecedented proportion, can crack down like this on small business! It's unfair and will only prolong the recovery process! (the blood veins on his neck suggested an aneurysm)
HHNH: How have you been involved in the recovery after the earthquake and tsunami?
CF: We helped the victims after the 1995 Kobe earthquake when the government was slow to respond, and we are also helping in the wake of the recent disaster in the northeastern part of the country. Not being able to get into our offices because the police have silly suspicions is just too much to bear!
Listen, I need to think about moving our documents and computers to the brothel I operate in Nagoya!
This interview is over.
HHNH: Thank you very much for agreeing to be interviewed today.
CF: Show him out, boys!
After I left the mobster's bar, I realized that a Hard Hitting News Hound cannot settle for one side of the story. To be fair, I needed to interview the police as well. Fortunately, I was able to contact Captain Kanarazu Taiho at NPA headquarters in Tokyo.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Captain Taiho.
CT: It's my pleasure. We here at the National Police Agency welcome the interest of the press in our efforts to control crime in this country. Did you know that we solve over 85% of the crimes committed in Japan? (he leans forward and looks at me with his eyebrows raised)
HHNH: That's truly amazing....
CT: Where are you from? Your alien registration is in order, is it?
HHNH: Oh... yes! Definitely in order...
Er... I read recently that the NPA is promoting a new law that would allow it to close the offices of gangs which were suspected of being involved in a crime. Can you elaborate on this new approach?
CT: Absolutely! You see, the criminal gangs do everything in secret, so it is often hard to pin a specific crime on them. By having this new law, we will be able to cause them serious irritation if we suspect them of being involved in something illegal.
HHNH: But they are officially registered with the NPA as criminal gangs, aren't they? Wouldn't this allow you to close their offices at any time?
CT: (throwing back his head and laughing uproariously) Yes!! You understand perfectly! This new law will allow us to simply close their offices any time we want to, forcing them to conduct their business elsewhere.
HHNH: So instead of having them carry out their dealings in a place that you know about, you will force them to move to a secret location to operate?
CT: (leaning forward and looking at me with slitted eyes) Well... if you put it THAT way, it sounds bad, but think about all their documents and computers and so on. They can't easily move them to some warehouse or bar! No... this will be an effective way to disrupt their operations and really get on their nerves.
HHNH: Why don't you actually go into their offices and examine their documents and computers and then maybe arrest some of them?
CT: Are you mad? Foreigners! (he rolls his eyes) We can't do that! What would become of the donations and help they provide in disaster relief? You know our government is strapped for funds; why... we are ranked at the very top in public debt ahead of countries like Zimbabwe and Greece! We need all the help we can get.
HHNH: I see. Well, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview today.
CT: You are most welcome. I am sure you will print a responsible article about our efforts to control gang-related crime.
HHNH: I will do my best.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Exciting World of Dieting
The media is full of contradictory advice about healthy eating. Is coffee good for you or a death trap? How about red wine? Is it a cure all or a killer? While we cannot answer all of your questions about dieting and health we can take an in-depth, easy-to-understand look at some of the more popular diet issues that are in the news. Let's use the trendy question-and-answer format to explain some of these points. You ask the questions and I will give answers in layperson's terms.
Question: I am not clear about antioxidants. They say that antioxidants destroy "free radicals", but what does that actually mean?
Answer: Good question! This is actually not that hard to understand. Imagine the antioxidants as lawmen like Wyatt Earp. They ride around on their horses in your bloodstream chasing the free radicals which we can think of as outlaws such as Billy the Kid. When they catch the free radicals, they lynch them from the nearest corpuscle. This cleanses your system of these dangerous desperadoes and makes you healthy. Antioxidants can be found in kale, alfalfa sprouts and sunflower seeds, and the free radicals are found in all the things you really want to eat, such as Twinkies, chips, and cookies.
Scenario
Free Radicals (turning around and around on their horses and firing their guns randomly into the air): Yee haw! Yee haw! We gonna have some fun in this town! Where is the saloon? We need some booze! And wimmin... where's the wimmin?!!
Antioxidant Earp (walking up to the free radicals in the dusty street): You boys better calm down now.
FR (dismounting): And who are YOU?
AE: I am the law here. (shows them his badge) You put your guns away now, and we won't have any trouble.
FR (squinting hard at Antioxidant Earp): And what if we don't? Whatcha gonna do about it?
AE: I am going to arrest you or shoot you, whichever comes first.
FR: Oh yeah? You and what army?
AE: Me and Bat and Doc. (other antioxidants appear, carrying sawed off shotguns)
FR: You don't scare us, Sheriff! Does he, boys? (the other free radicals shout support)
(Antioxidant Earp draws his six-gun and calmly shoots the free radical in the head.)
AE: The rest of you want to come peacefully, or shall we do this the hard way.
(the other free radicals drop their guns and raise their hands)
AE: Let's take 'em off to jail!
This is what happens in your body everyday, a world in turmoil filled with moments of drama and adventure.
Question: What is a "low carb" diet.
Answer: "Carb", of course, refers to the carburetor in your body's "engine". You will want to keep this running "low" and "lean" so that your engine's efficiency will be improved and you will live a long and healthy life.
Question: I have heard a lot about the caveman diet. Is this something that I should adopt to get in touch with our evolutionary past and be healthy?
Answer: This paleolithic diet is based on the foods that hunter-gatherers would eat.
Scenario
Policeman: Um... what are you doing?
Dieter: Shh! I am stalking that bison.
Policeman (whispering): This is the zoo. You want to put that rifle away?
Dieter: I need to get that bison for my paleolithic diet!
Policeman: Your what? What have you been drinking? Come over here. I want you to walk on this white line for me. And put that rifle away!
Dieter: I am completely sober (walks the white line to prove it).
Policeman (on his radio): I need an ambulance here... bring a straight jacket. (to the dieter) Put that rifle down already!
Regrettably, it is very difficult to hunt bison or deer in today's urban areas, and parks don't allow for much gathering. In any case, the life expectancy of your average caveman was very short, suggesting that following paleolithic lifestyles might not be a healthy alternative.
Question: My girlfriend told me that I am becoming an endomorph. What does she mean?
Answer: She is trying to break up with you but using "diplomatic" language to do so.
Question: I read somewhere that men prefer heavier women when the economy is bad. Does this mean I can find a husband now?
Answer: Yes. Women who are very overweight can easily find husbands and boyfriends these days, because of the bad economy. If the economy turns around, however, they can expect to be dumped.
Question: Does this preference extend to heavier men too?
Answer: Not unless you have a sex change operation.
Question: I hear a lot about the importance of dietary supplements, but I am confused about what supplements I should be taking.
Answer: You should supplement your diet with items you are missing. In my case, for example, my diet sometimes falls low on wine. When this unfortunate situation arises, I go out and buy a couple of bottles of wine to bring my diet back into balance. Everyone is different, however, so what your diet needs in the way of supplements depends on your investigation. My sister's diet, for example, is notoriously low in chocolate, so she is perpetually having to increase her intake of this vital ingredient to keep her health.
This is all we have space for today, but just remember when you consider your next diet that you are also what you DON'T eat.
Question: I am not clear about antioxidants. They say that antioxidants destroy "free radicals", but what does that actually mean?
Answer: Good question! This is actually not that hard to understand. Imagine the antioxidants as lawmen like Wyatt Earp. They ride around on their horses in your bloodstream chasing the free radicals which we can think of as outlaws such as Billy the Kid. When they catch the free radicals, they lynch them from the nearest corpuscle. This cleanses your system of these dangerous desperadoes and makes you healthy. Antioxidants can be found in kale, alfalfa sprouts and sunflower seeds, and the free radicals are found in all the things you really want to eat, such as Twinkies, chips, and cookies.
Scenario
Free Radicals (turning around and around on their horses and firing their guns randomly into the air): Yee haw! Yee haw! We gonna have some fun in this town! Where is the saloon? We need some booze! And wimmin... where's the wimmin?!!
Antioxidant Earp (walking up to the free radicals in the dusty street): You boys better calm down now.
FR (dismounting): And who are YOU?
AE: I am the law here. (shows them his badge) You put your guns away now, and we won't have any trouble.
FR (squinting hard at Antioxidant Earp): And what if we don't? Whatcha gonna do about it?
AE: I am going to arrest you or shoot you, whichever comes first.
FR: Oh yeah? You and what army?
AE: Me and Bat and Doc. (other antioxidants appear, carrying sawed off shotguns)
FR: You don't scare us, Sheriff! Does he, boys? (the other free radicals shout support)
(Antioxidant Earp draws his six-gun and calmly shoots the free radical in the head.)
AE: The rest of you want to come peacefully, or shall we do this the hard way.
(the other free radicals drop their guns and raise their hands)
AE: Let's take 'em off to jail!
This is what happens in your body everyday, a world in turmoil filled with moments of drama and adventure.
Question: What is a "low carb" diet.
Answer: "Carb", of course, refers to the carburetor in your body's "engine". You will want to keep this running "low" and "lean" so that your engine's efficiency will be improved and you will live a long and healthy life.
Question: I have heard a lot about the caveman diet. Is this something that I should adopt to get in touch with our evolutionary past and be healthy?
Answer: This paleolithic diet is based on the foods that hunter-gatherers would eat.
Scenario
Policeman: Um... what are you doing?
Dieter: Shh! I am stalking that bison.
Policeman (whispering): This is the zoo. You want to put that rifle away?
Dieter: I need to get that bison for my paleolithic diet!
Policeman: Your what? What have you been drinking? Come over here. I want you to walk on this white line for me. And put that rifle away!
Dieter: I am completely sober (walks the white line to prove it).
Policeman (on his radio): I need an ambulance here... bring a straight jacket. (to the dieter) Put that rifle down already!
Regrettably, it is very difficult to hunt bison or deer in today's urban areas, and parks don't allow for much gathering. In any case, the life expectancy of your average caveman was very short, suggesting that following paleolithic lifestyles might not be a healthy alternative.
Question: My girlfriend told me that I am becoming an endomorph. What does she mean?
Answer: She is trying to break up with you but using "diplomatic" language to do so.
Question: I read somewhere that men prefer heavier women when the economy is bad. Does this mean I can find a husband now?
Answer: Yes. Women who are very overweight can easily find husbands and boyfriends these days, because of the bad economy. If the economy turns around, however, they can expect to be dumped.
Question: Does this preference extend to heavier men too?
Answer: Not unless you have a sex change operation.
Question: I hear a lot about the importance of dietary supplements, but I am confused about what supplements I should be taking.
Answer: You should supplement your diet with items you are missing. In my case, for example, my diet sometimes falls low on wine. When this unfortunate situation arises, I go out and buy a couple of bottles of wine to bring my diet back into balance. Everyone is different, however, so what your diet needs in the way of supplements depends on your investigation. My sister's diet, for example, is notoriously low in chocolate, so she is perpetually having to increase her intake of this vital ingredient to keep her health.
This is all we have space for today, but just remember when you consider your next diet that you are also what you DON'T eat.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Forever Young – advice for seniors
In an earlier blog, I discussed how we seniors should be careful not to appear to be dead; this is an open invitation for relatives to get rid of us. It's true, we Boomers did most of our "booming" in the 60s and 70s, but many of us are not quite "circling the drain" yet and remain perky with vitality. The media is full of people talking about how 40 is "the new 30", so we older folk need to get on that bandwagon as well. Our slogan should be "100 is the new 90!"
There are steps you can take as you age – dos and don'ts – so that folks around you will not take you for the decrepit, old fart that you appear to be, but instead see you for the youthful heart that beats within. You want to stay "as young as you feel"!
DOs
1. Wear bright clothing. For men, head out to your favorite store and get some cheerful Hawaiian shirts with bright prints. Choose colors that scream youthfulness, like pink or violet. A pair of brightly striped pants will compliment the shirts as well. You women will want to strut your new youthful look with a really trendy muumuu. Finding one that matches the print your partner is wearing will only set you apart as a really "with it" couple.
2. Get a nice suntan. This can be done by actually lying around in the sun, but give your melanomas a rest and use one of those baste on suntan lotions like Congressman Boehner applies. The orange look is "in", and nothing says "young" more than that outdoorsy patina.
3. Guys, wear a gold necklace of heavy chain. This will hint that you are not only young but also rich and maybe a little dangerous, since young people who wear gold chains are usually drug dealers.
4. You women will want to go in for a bikini swimsuit. Everyone knows that this is the latest craze amongst the youthful set. See if you can find one that matches your muumuu.
5. Dye your hair! For men, you will want to go with a color that is as close to your original color as you remember it to be. When in doubt make it a few shades darker. Women will want to go with something that offers a blue hue. This will definitely show your new tan and muumuu to their best advantage. Dying your hair is a surefire way to show you are just bursting with youthfulness.
6. Get a Facebook page. This is the new social networking that you have been hearing about on the nightly news. Find someone to teach you how to use it and put all your pictures and comments there for the world to see. Leave out the pictures that show you doing "senior" things like being wheeled out of the hospital after recovering from your fifth heart attack or napping in that "I AM DEAD, DISPOSE OF ME" posture.
DON'Ts
1. Don't talk about your ailments. Nobody wants to know that you had to eat a whole bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement this morning. Really! Please.
2. Don't say things like "oof" (in the Seattle area, "Oof da" or in Japan よいしょっ) when you get up from your chair or do anything involving physical effort, such as bending over to tie your shoes.
3. Don't leave your medications in your medicine cabinet when you invite people over. Let's face it, most of your friends are the same age as you, and when they retreat to the "powder room", they are going to snoop in your medicine cabinet. Rows of pill bottles with labels like phenoxybenzamine or warfarin will clue them in that your "youthful" image is only skin deep. Especially don't leave one of those weekly-pill-organizer boxes lying around, as then they will know that you are not only very sick, but also suffering from memory loss.
You cannot leave your cabinet bare, however. That would be too suspicious. So display a bottle of aspirin and other over-the-counter medications for coughs and common colds. Some sex lubricant or a dildo would also be a good way to establish your youth cred.
4. Don't use "senior slang". Nothing dates you like the language you use. Are you still saying things like "boss", as in "Isn't that new Lady Gaga album boss"? That is SO ancient. OMG! You need to spruce up your lingo! Also, don't say "lingo". That is SO 17th century! You should be dead already. You want to use words like "awesome".
Short Quiz
Scenario
You are at the supermarket and looking at the melons. You have NO idea how to tell whether a melon is ready to eat or not, so you ask the woman who is busily picking each one up and sniffing it, how to tell if a melon is ripe.
She looks at you like you have just molested her daughter but says, "This one is ripe."
You say:
a. Thank you so much.
b. Whoa! Totally cool.
c. Awesome.
d. Those melons just killed 13 people!
e. I did not molest your daughter. Fred did it.
f. All of the above.
Of course only c is correct.
Young people say "awesome" for everything! It is very hip. (Don't say "hip"; nobody knows what that means.)
They say stuff like, "OMG! That movie was... like... so totally awesome!" Or "OMG! That gelato was... like... so totally awesome!" Or "I am... like... so totally going to eat at that totally awesome restaurant you... like... told me about!"
I think you get the picture. Language degrades as generations pass. You think not? Try reading Shakespeare again in the original Latin.
Anyway, follow these tips and you will not only appear to be... like... so totally young and all, but who knows? You might actually BE so totally... like... er... like... so... totally... AWESOME!
There are steps you can take as you age – dos and don'ts – so that folks around you will not take you for the decrepit, old fart that you appear to be, but instead see you for the youthful heart that beats within. You want to stay "as young as you feel"!
DOs
1. Wear bright clothing. For men, head out to your favorite store and get some cheerful Hawaiian shirts with bright prints. Choose colors that scream youthfulness, like pink or violet. A pair of brightly striped pants will compliment the shirts as well. You women will want to strut your new youthful look with a really trendy muumuu. Finding one that matches the print your partner is wearing will only set you apart as a really "with it" couple.
2. Get a nice suntan. This can be done by actually lying around in the sun, but give your melanomas a rest and use one of those baste on suntan lotions like Congressman Boehner applies. The orange look is "in", and nothing says "young" more than that outdoorsy patina.
3. Guys, wear a gold necklace of heavy chain. This will hint that you are not only young but also rich and maybe a little dangerous, since young people who wear gold chains are usually drug dealers.
4. You women will want to go in for a bikini swimsuit. Everyone knows that this is the latest craze amongst the youthful set. See if you can find one that matches your muumuu.
5. Dye your hair! For men, you will want to go with a color that is as close to your original color as you remember it to be. When in doubt make it a few shades darker. Women will want to go with something that offers a blue hue. This will definitely show your new tan and muumuu to their best advantage. Dying your hair is a surefire way to show you are just bursting with youthfulness.
6. Get a Facebook page. This is the new social networking that you have been hearing about on the nightly news. Find someone to teach you how to use it and put all your pictures and comments there for the world to see. Leave out the pictures that show you doing "senior" things like being wheeled out of the hospital after recovering from your fifth heart attack or napping in that "I AM DEAD, DISPOSE OF ME" posture.
DON'Ts
1. Don't talk about your ailments. Nobody wants to know that you had to eat a whole bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement this morning. Really! Please.
2. Don't say things like "oof" (in the Seattle area, "Oof da" or in Japan よいしょっ) when you get up from your chair or do anything involving physical effort, such as bending over to tie your shoes.
3. Don't leave your medications in your medicine cabinet when you invite people over. Let's face it, most of your friends are the same age as you, and when they retreat to the "powder room", they are going to snoop in your medicine cabinet. Rows of pill bottles with labels like phenoxybenzamine or warfarin will clue them in that your "youthful" image is only skin deep. Especially don't leave one of those weekly-pill-organizer boxes lying around, as then they will know that you are not only very sick, but also suffering from memory loss.
You cannot leave your cabinet bare, however. That would be too suspicious. So display a bottle of aspirin and other over-the-counter medications for coughs and common colds. Some sex lubricant or a dildo would also be a good way to establish your youth cred.
4. Don't use "senior slang". Nothing dates you like the language you use. Are you still saying things like "boss", as in "Isn't that new Lady Gaga album boss"? That is SO ancient. OMG! You need to spruce up your lingo! Also, don't say "lingo". That is SO 17th century! You should be dead already. You want to use words like "awesome".
Short Quiz
Scenario
You are at the supermarket and looking at the melons. You have NO idea how to tell whether a melon is ready to eat or not, so you ask the woman who is busily picking each one up and sniffing it, how to tell if a melon is ripe.
She looks at you like you have just molested her daughter but says, "This one is ripe."
You say:
a. Thank you so much.
b. Whoa! Totally cool.
c. Awesome.
d. Those melons just killed 13 people!
e. I did not molest your daughter. Fred did it.
f. All of the above.
Of course only c is correct.
Young people say "awesome" for everything! It is very hip. (Don't say "hip"; nobody knows what that means.)
They say stuff like, "OMG! That movie was... like... so totally awesome!" Or "OMG! That gelato was... like... so totally awesome!" Or "I am... like... so totally going to eat at that totally awesome restaurant you... like... told me about!"
I think you get the picture. Language degrades as generations pass. You think not? Try reading Shakespeare again in the original Latin.
Anyway, follow these tips and you will not only appear to be... like... so totally young and all, but who knows? You might actually BE so totally... like... er... like... so... totally... AWESOME!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Kentucky Fried 'n' Suicide
Today we need to confront a serious issue. Now and then we have to quit with the yuck-yucks and face the fact that life is a weighty business and requires a sober attitude.
What could be more serious than suicide?
In a 2010 compilation of international data, Japan ranked number 7 on the world list of national suicide rates with 24.75 suicides per 100,000 people, right up there with clearly depressed countries like Russia. The US (with many more obvious problems), on the other hand, had less than half that many and was ranked 35th – behind even gently peaceful New Zealand! What could possibly account for this huge discrepancy? In the US, guns are widely available and for those who want to kill themselves, no other method is as effective. Japan, on the other hand, prohibits most of the "easy" ways of killing oneself, leaving only the throwing one's body off of things (high buildings, train platforms, etc.) as one of the popular options.
A Hard Hitting News Hound does not simply read news reports and then pour another cup of coffee and turn to the funnies. No! A Hard Hitting News Hound needs to get to the bottom of the important issues of the day to report on them, revealing the truth, no matter where the truth may lie. Intensely curious, I pondered the issue of Japanese suicides and wondered what might be the breakdown by prefecture. Perhaps some pattern would reveal itself, and we could use the information to take steps to cure this social ill. As it turns out, the top 5 prefectures for suicide in Japan are: in the number 5 position, Niigata (where I live), at number 4, Shimane, 3 is Iwate Prefecture, the runner up prize goes to Aomori, and claiming the top spot is Akita.
What do these prefectures have in common?
Some reporters would undoubtedly stop with the obvious and draw glib conclusions based on inadequate research. "Their weather is uniformly bad." Or, "they all have depressed, rural economies with rapidly declining and aging populations".
That's easy to say.
But a Hard Hitting News Hound is not satisfied with the superficial analysis that so often takes top billing in the papers and on the internet. That's what Fox News is for.
Far from it. The trivial poses no distraction to the inveterate researcher. I dug deeper. What about the other end of the spectrum? What about the prefectures with the fewest self-inflicted fatalities? Kanagawa prefecture and others right around the Tokyo area are the lowest in suicide rates.
What could account for this phenomenon? Is it the excitement of city life that makes people want to hang around longer? If so, how could you explain Hokkaido which is also relatively low in suicides? Further probing revealed the answer. These prefectures have the most Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets! The prefectures with the highest suicide rates generally have very few KFC restaurants. The US, by comparison probably has more KFC outlets per population than any developed country, helping to keep our suicide rates under control. There is something in the spices or in the chomping of crispy fried chicken that dispels black thoughts. Speaking personally, I know that MY spirits go up whenever I make fried chicken. Clearly national health policy should focus on reducing the rates of suicide in these areas by encouraging the Colonel to spread his influence to every depressed neighborhood and area. And now that I am thinking about it... maybe I will make some fried chicken for dinner tonight.
What could be more serious than suicide?
In a 2010 compilation of international data, Japan ranked number 7 on the world list of national suicide rates with 24.75 suicides per 100,000 people, right up there with clearly depressed countries like Russia. The US (with many more obvious problems), on the other hand, had less than half that many and was ranked 35th – behind even gently peaceful New Zealand! What could possibly account for this huge discrepancy? In the US, guns are widely available and for those who want to kill themselves, no other method is as effective. Japan, on the other hand, prohibits most of the "easy" ways of killing oneself, leaving only the throwing one's body off of things (high buildings, train platforms, etc.) as one of the popular options.
A Hard Hitting News Hound does not simply read news reports and then pour another cup of coffee and turn to the funnies. No! A Hard Hitting News Hound needs to get to the bottom of the important issues of the day to report on them, revealing the truth, no matter where the truth may lie. Intensely curious, I pondered the issue of Japanese suicides and wondered what might be the breakdown by prefecture. Perhaps some pattern would reveal itself, and we could use the information to take steps to cure this social ill. As it turns out, the top 5 prefectures for suicide in Japan are: in the number 5 position, Niigata (where I live), at number 4, Shimane, 3 is Iwate Prefecture, the runner up prize goes to Aomori, and claiming the top spot is Akita.
What do these prefectures have in common?
Some reporters would undoubtedly stop with the obvious and draw glib conclusions based on inadequate research. "Their weather is uniformly bad." Or, "they all have depressed, rural economies with rapidly declining and aging populations".
That's easy to say.
But a Hard Hitting News Hound is not satisfied with the superficial analysis that so often takes top billing in the papers and on the internet. That's what Fox News is for.
Far from it. The trivial poses no distraction to the inveterate researcher. I dug deeper. What about the other end of the spectrum? What about the prefectures with the fewest self-inflicted fatalities? Kanagawa prefecture and others right around the Tokyo area are the lowest in suicide rates.
What could account for this phenomenon? Is it the excitement of city life that makes people want to hang around longer? If so, how could you explain Hokkaido which is also relatively low in suicides? Further probing revealed the answer. These prefectures have the most Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets! The prefectures with the highest suicide rates generally have very few KFC restaurants. The US, by comparison probably has more KFC outlets per population than any developed country, helping to keep our suicide rates under control. There is something in the spices or in the chomping of crispy fried chicken that dispels black thoughts. Speaking personally, I know that MY spirits go up whenever I make fried chicken. Clearly national health policy should focus on reducing the rates of suicide in these areas by encouraging the Colonel to spread his influence to every depressed neighborhood and area. And now that I am thinking about it... maybe I will make some fried chicken for dinner tonight.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sex and the Single Homo sapiens
Caught up in the social networking of the 21st century, we forget how different dating and meeting potential partners was in earlier years. 600 years ago, for example, children of nobility were offered as marriage partners in order to cement diplomatic and political relations despite the fact that they were still toddlers. Marriages were made across cultural and language barriers all the time. No regard was paid to the trouble the newly weds would have with communication or vastly different customs.
In even earlier times, it must have been much harder. In fact, we now know that early humans crossed the species barrier in their search for mates. When you consider how strongly some people insist on their children marrying someone of the same race or creed today, it must have been remarkable to have to go so far to find a mate for your child.
Scenario
Mom (to son): So Bobo (I don't know any prehistoric names; they are prehistoric, after all, so you will need to use your imagination here and bear with me.), who are you taking to the prom this year?
Bobo: I can't get anyone to go to the prom with me. Everyone says I am ugly and stupid.
Mom: Oh, Bobo. You're not ugly! All you need to do is comb your hair so that it covers your eyebrows. Nobody will notice that you don't have much of a forehead. Here... let me do it for you... there! See? It completely covers that narrow gap!
Who have you asked?
Bobo: I asked Meemee (Bear with me, OK?!).
Mom: Hmm. And even SHE didn't want to go out with you?
Bobo: No.
Mom: What about one of those girls from the school across the river?
Bobo: But Mommm! They are not even human!
Mom: Well... they're close enough. Some of them even walk upright! And I noticed a couple of them handling tools as well.
Bobo: Aww Mom! I can't go to the prom with one of them! What would my friends say?
Mom: What friends? Surely you can find a cute one to take?
Bobo: I don't know... (he kicks the sand at his feet, raising a small cloud of dust)
Mom: You need to be more aggressive, Bobo. A nice girl is not just going to fall into your lap. Here... while you are thinking about it. Go get some water from the river.
Bobo: Yes, Mom.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the river...
Mom: So Shela (Is that better?), who are you going to go to the prom with this year?
Shela: Aww Mom. I don't want to go to the prom. All the boys are such jerks.
Mom: What about Gugu, that nice boy from the cave in the valley?
Shela: Are you kidding? Nice? Mom! He drools and is the stupidest boy in my flint class.
Mom: Hmm... so what are you planning to do? This is your senior year, so I am sure you don't want to miss out on going to your last prom!
Shela: I don't know. (she kicks the sand around at her feet, raising a small cloud of dust)
Mom: I know! Why don't you go with one of those humans across the river? Some of them are pretty cute and I think they are smart too.
Shela: I wouldn't mind, but how will I get their attention? They are so stuck up over there with their furs across their cave mouths.
Mom: Maybe we could go along the river for a walk and get one of them to notice you.
Shela: You think? When would be a good time?
Mom: Let's go now and see.
So they stroll down to the river and just as they come to the edge of the water, they see Bobo dipping his gourd into the stream. He looks up and his eyes meet Shela's. The species gap is bridged as they see something in each other's look that draws them inexorably together. This is probably how bridges were invented too.
And thus modern humans came to be – made of the connections of thousands and thousands of years and millions upon millions of humans and other species. But for the courage and willingness to cross the species line, we would be diminished today. We can also be happy that our ancestors intermingling was all with other Homo-types. Imagine how different we would be if they had been "doing it" with goats!
Indeed, in some countries, like China, today there are too many males and not enough females. Instead of whining about the problem, the men should take a lesson from our human past and think more broadly about their prospective mates. Some of the Orangutans can be pretty cute. All we need to do is set them up on Facebook and China's marriage-deficit problem is solved!
In even earlier times, it must have been much harder. In fact, we now know that early humans crossed the species barrier in their search for mates. When you consider how strongly some people insist on their children marrying someone of the same race or creed today, it must have been remarkable to have to go so far to find a mate for your child.
Scenario
Mom (to son): So Bobo (I don't know any prehistoric names; they are prehistoric, after all, so you will need to use your imagination here and bear with me.), who are you taking to the prom this year?
Bobo: I can't get anyone to go to the prom with me. Everyone says I am ugly and stupid.
Mom: Oh, Bobo. You're not ugly! All you need to do is comb your hair so that it covers your eyebrows. Nobody will notice that you don't have much of a forehead. Here... let me do it for you... there! See? It completely covers that narrow gap!
Who have you asked?
Bobo: I asked Meemee (Bear with me, OK?!).
Mom: Hmm. And even SHE didn't want to go out with you?
Bobo: No.
Mom: What about one of those girls from the school across the river?
Bobo: But Mommm! They are not even human!
Mom: Well... they're close enough. Some of them even walk upright! And I noticed a couple of them handling tools as well.
Bobo: Aww Mom! I can't go to the prom with one of them! What would my friends say?
Mom: What friends? Surely you can find a cute one to take?
Bobo: I don't know... (he kicks the sand at his feet, raising a small cloud of dust)
Mom: You need to be more aggressive, Bobo. A nice girl is not just going to fall into your lap. Here... while you are thinking about it. Go get some water from the river.
Bobo: Yes, Mom.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the river...
Mom: So Shela (Is that better?), who are you going to go to the prom with this year?
Shela: Aww Mom. I don't want to go to the prom. All the boys are such jerks.
Mom: What about Gugu, that nice boy from the cave in the valley?
Shela: Are you kidding? Nice? Mom! He drools and is the stupidest boy in my flint class.
Mom: Hmm... so what are you planning to do? This is your senior year, so I am sure you don't want to miss out on going to your last prom!
Shela: I don't know. (she kicks the sand around at her feet, raising a small cloud of dust)
Mom: I know! Why don't you go with one of those humans across the river? Some of them are pretty cute and I think they are smart too.
Shela: I wouldn't mind, but how will I get their attention? They are so stuck up over there with their furs across their cave mouths.
Mom: Maybe we could go along the river for a walk and get one of them to notice you.
Shela: You think? When would be a good time?
Mom: Let's go now and see.
So they stroll down to the river and just as they come to the edge of the water, they see Bobo dipping his gourd into the stream. He looks up and his eyes meet Shela's. The species gap is bridged as they see something in each other's look that draws them inexorably together. This is probably how bridges were invented too.
And thus modern humans came to be – made of the connections of thousands and thousands of years and millions upon millions of humans and other species. But for the courage and willingness to cross the species line, we would be diminished today. We can also be happy that our ancestors intermingling was all with other Homo-types. Imagine how different we would be if they had been "doing it" with goats!
Indeed, in some countries, like China, today there are too many males and not enough females. Instead of whining about the problem, the men should take a lesson from our human past and think more broadly about their prospective mates. Some of the Orangutans can be pretty cute. All we need to do is set them up on Facebook and China's marriage-deficit problem is solved!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Fossil Flatulence
I know I have been intolerant and ranted here about creationism and the people who believe in that theory, but recently I have come around to thinking that they may have a point. I admit that I might have been hasty in my criticism and also too quick to make fun of them and their ideas. I should be more thoughtful and weigh the evidence carefully before rushing to judgement.
One of the ideas that creationists bandy about in tandem with the "young Earth theory" is that global warming is not due to human activity. Since they believe that dinosaurs and humans occupied our planet at the same time, clearly they might be right.
One of the most potent greenhouse gases is methane, a gas found in flatulence. Humans (with the exception of a few people I know) do not generally produce all that much of this gas. The occasional hiss and squeak in faculty meetings, for example, could not possibly create more than a few cubic centimeters of global warming gases even if the meeting goes on for hours and Prof. K. is in attendance. A jumbo-jet full of gassy seat cushions would not equal the output of even one cow.
It is a well-known fact that flatulence and burps from cows contribute to global warming, but in a world that is only about 6000 years old, this can only be a minor factor. On the other hand, dinosaurs must have been around with humans AND cows for a long time in the early years of our planet, even surviving the flood of Noah's ark fame. A large cow, weighing in at about one ton, is estimated to produce about 1000 liters of heat-trapping methane and other gases per day!
Dinosaurs, on the other hand, could be as large as 50 or even 100 tons!
Tyrannosaurus Rex, for example, weighed in at about 7 tons. It's diet consisted largely of meat which it consumed in large gulps without proper chewing. Not chewing your food thoroughly can result in flatulence and other bowel problems such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. For T-Rex this ill-mannered way of eating necessarily put a lot of the food-processing responsibility on its digestive tract, resulting in copious amounts of greenhouse gases being vented into the atmosphere. The IBS must also have put it in a cranky mood. The appearance of a cranky and gassy T-Rex must have been a real scare for the people of the time!
Consider also a large plant eating dinosaur such as a sauropod which could weigh as much as 100 large cows and probably produce 100 times as much gas! Imagine, one animal spewing out 100,000 liters of gas a day! It would be eligible for membership in OPEC. The sauropods are thought to have traveled in vast herds, much like cattle today, eating enormous amounts of vegetation (probably becoming real pests for people and their farms) and farting up a storm. Clearly their flatulence would have been a much more potent influence on global warming, not to mention the dangers of having them around open campfires where humans were trying to cook their food. A passing herd and its accompanying cloud of gas could result in a phenomenon not unlike a fuel-air explosive. I am surprised we have not found large scorched areas in the sedimentary record, but maybe they remain to be discovered by scientific investigators from the creation science organizations.
As ancient records show, the dinosaurs disappeared from the planet before recorded history. There are pictures of crocodiles in Egyptian art, for example; they were even considered gods, but none of T-Rex. So we know that the dinosaurs were gone before humans learned to write and draw. There are no cave drawings of the dinosaurs either. We can be relieved, therefore, to know that the global warming that was accelerated by their various gases will also drop off in the years ahead. Unless, of course, too many humans like Prof. K. come to inhabit our small, blue world.
One of the ideas that creationists bandy about in tandem with the "young Earth theory" is that global warming is not due to human activity. Since they believe that dinosaurs and humans occupied our planet at the same time, clearly they might be right.
One of the most potent greenhouse gases is methane, a gas found in flatulence. Humans (with the exception of a few people I know) do not generally produce all that much of this gas. The occasional hiss and squeak in faculty meetings, for example, could not possibly create more than a few cubic centimeters of global warming gases even if the meeting goes on for hours and Prof. K. is in attendance. A jumbo-jet full of gassy seat cushions would not equal the output of even one cow.
It is a well-known fact that flatulence and burps from cows contribute to global warming, but in a world that is only about 6000 years old, this can only be a minor factor. On the other hand, dinosaurs must have been around with humans AND cows for a long time in the early years of our planet, even surviving the flood of Noah's ark fame. A large cow, weighing in at about one ton, is estimated to produce about 1000 liters of heat-trapping methane and other gases per day!
Dinosaurs, on the other hand, could be as large as 50 or even 100 tons!
Tyrannosaurus Rex, for example, weighed in at about 7 tons. It's diet consisted largely of meat which it consumed in large gulps without proper chewing. Not chewing your food thoroughly can result in flatulence and other bowel problems such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. For T-Rex this ill-mannered way of eating necessarily put a lot of the food-processing responsibility on its digestive tract, resulting in copious amounts of greenhouse gases being vented into the atmosphere. The IBS must also have put it in a cranky mood. The appearance of a cranky and gassy T-Rex must have been a real scare for the people of the time!
Consider also a large plant eating dinosaur such as a sauropod which could weigh as much as 100 large cows and probably produce 100 times as much gas! Imagine, one animal spewing out 100,000 liters of gas a day! It would be eligible for membership in OPEC. The sauropods are thought to have traveled in vast herds, much like cattle today, eating enormous amounts of vegetation (probably becoming real pests for people and their farms) and farting up a storm. Clearly their flatulence would have been a much more potent influence on global warming, not to mention the dangers of having them around open campfires where humans were trying to cook their food. A passing herd and its accompanying cloud of gas could result in a phenomenon not unlike a fuel-air explosive. I am surprised we have not found large scorched areas in the sedimentary record, but maybe they remain to be discovered by scientific investigators from the creation science organizations.
As ancient records show, the dinosaurs disappeared from the planet before recorded history. There are pictures of crocodiles in Egyptian art, for example; they were even considered gods, but none of T-Rex. So we know that the dinosaurs were gone before humans learned to write and draw. There are no cave drawings of the dinosaurs either. We can be relieved, therefore, to know that the global warming that was accelerated by their various gases will also drop off in the years ahead. Unless, of course, too many humans like Prof. K. come to inhabit our small, blue world.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Labor Day
Today is Labor Day in the US, so in respect for those who are laboring and/or in labor or even in the Labour Party, I will also take the day off rather than belabor everyone with some quickly whipped up nonsense.
Cheers!
Cheers!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Fat 101
If you visit or live in America for any length of time, you quickly come to realize that Americans are profoundly concerned about fat. By "fat" I do not refer to the four Swedens of blubber America collectively carries around on its butt, but rather the fat that we ingest. This is prominently shown on food labels and as a public service, I will explain what these food labels mean.
First of all, so anxious are Americans about the fat that they ingest that you can see the words "Non-Fat" prominently labeled on 100% fruit jams, berries, and other unlikely products. These labels must be ignored as they have no bearing on our discussion today.
Many products do contain fat, however, and it is essential to know which of these fats you are buying, as some are good for you and others will stop your heart, probably in the check-out line at the supermarket. Supermarket personnel are notoriously unresponsive to handling medical emergencies, continuing to place food into the freezers while a customer beside them collapses on the floor and has a seizure. Eventually the customer also gets put into the freezer when the worker gets to the bottom of the pile.
The vocabulary is where we start, and we don't want to get hung up on technical jargon but rather make everything easy to understand for the layman.
There are two kinds of fat that we eat: you have your saturated fats and your unsaturated fats. There are also trans-fats. Wait, that makes three types of fat. OK, so we have three types of fats.
First let's look at the saturated fats. The reason they are called "saturated" is because they are so full of fat it oozes from every pore. These fats are the ones with serious (maybe even fatal) thigh friction issues. Putting them in an easy-to-grasp term, such as global populations, if saturated fats were people, these would be the Americans of the fat world. They waddle around in your system, sitting down out of breath whenever they get the chance, but worst of all get caught in the turnstiles and doorways of your arteries and veins. This really plugs things up and important things like oxygen cannot make it to your brain. We have all seen terrible examples of this phenomenon; Dick Cheney springs to mind.
The unsaturated fats are lean fats. I know this sounds like an oxymoron, but compared to the saturated fats, they are. Using our global population example above, the unsaturated fats would be your Asians and other thinner populations. The unsaturated fats have less fat oozing from their pores, because – duh – they have not reached the saturation point yet.
It would be convenient if we could wrap this explanation up right here, but unfortunately the real world is just not that simple. Ask former Prime Minister Kan. I am sure he can give you an earful about that! But I digress.
The world of unsaturated fats is divided into the monounsaturated and the polyunsaturated. Mammals have a lot of the latter while reptiles have a lot of the former. As you will remember from your elementary school English classes, "mono" means "one" as in monogamy, or monotheistic. These fats have only one fat in them. Like reptiles, they are very lean indeed. "Poly", as you will also recall, means "more than one" as in polyandry, or polytheistic. These fats have more than one fat in them but not so many as to be "saturated". These fats also have more fun.
Finally, we must talk about the trans-fats. These fats are the middle men in the bipolar world of saturated and unsaturated fats. For that reason, nobody likes them. In America, labels are very proud to claim 0% trans-fats on everything from cookies to automobiles. Even restaurant menus are exclaiming how they are completely free of anything even CLOSELY resembling a trans-fat. So never mind that there might be 6000 calories in the dinner you just ordered; you can rest assured that none of the vicious trans-fats will attack your heart.
I hope this explanation of the fatty world has been helpful. Next week we might take on the daunting task of explaining the difference between "good cholesterol" and "bad cholesterol" so long as the steak I am barbecuing tonight does not kill me before then.
First of all, so anxious are Americans about the fat that they ingest that you can see the words "Non-Fat" prominently labeled on 100% fruit jams, berries, and other unlikely products. These labels must be ignored as they have no bearing on our discussion today.
Many products do contain fat, however, and it is essential to know which of these fats you are buying, as some are good for you and others will stop your heart, probably in the check-out line at the supermarket. Supermarket personnel are notoriously unresponsive to handling medical emergencies, continuing to place food into the freezers while a customer beside them collapses on the floor and has a seizure. Eventually the customer also gets put into the freezer when the worker gets to the bottom of the pile.
The vocabulary is where we start, and we don't want to get hung up on technical jargon but rather make everything easy to understand for the layman.
There are two kinds of fat that we eat: you have your saturated fats and your unsaturated fats. There are also trans-fats. Wait, that makes three types of fat. OK, so we have three types of fats.
First let's look at the saturated fats. The reason they are called "saturated" is because they are so full of fat it oozes from every pore. These fats are the ones with serious (maybe even fatal) thigh friction issues. Putting them in an easy-to-grasp term, such as global populations, if saturated fats were people, these would be the Americans of the fat world. They waddle around in your system, sitting down out of breath whenever they get the chance, but worst of all get caught in the turnstiles and doorways of your arteries and veins. This really plugs things up and important things like oxygen cannot make it to your brain. We have all seen terrible examples of this phenomenon; Dick Cheney springs to mind.
The unsaturated fats are lean fats. I know this sounds like an oxymoron, but compared to the saturated fats, they are. Using our global population example above, the unsaturated fats would be your Asians and other thinner populations. The unsaturated fats have less fat oozing from their pores, because – duh – they have not reached the saturation point yet.
It would be convenient if we could wrap this explanation up right here, but unfortunately the real world is just not that simple. Ask former Prime Minister Kan. I am sure he can give you an earful about that! But I digress.
The world of unsaturated fats is divided into the monounsaturated and the polyunsaturated. Mammals have a lot of the latter while reptiles have a lot of the former. As you will remember from your elementary school English classes, "mono" means "one" as in monogamy, or monotheistic. These fats have only one fat in them. Like reptiles, they are very lean indeed. "Poly", as you will also recall, means "more than one" as in polyandry, or polytheistic. These fats have more than one fat in them but not so many as to be "saturated". These fats also have more fun.
Finally, we must talk about the trans-fats. These fats are the middle men in the bipolar world of saturated and unsaturated fats. For that reason, nobody likes them. In America, labels are very proud to claim 0% trans-fats on everything from cookies to automobiles. Even restaurant menus are exclaiming how they are completely free of anything even CLOSELY resembling a trans-fat. So never mind that there might be 6000 calories in the dinner you just ordered; you can rest assured that none of the vicious trans-fats will attack your heart.
I hope this explanation of the fatty world has been helpful. Next week we might take on the daunting task of explaining the difference between "good cholesterol" and "bad cholesterol" so long as the steak I am barbecuing tonight does not kill me before then.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Five Ways Not to be Dead (advice for seniors)
As we age and watch our bodies and minds decay, we cannot help but think about the end of our existence. What will it be like? Will we fly into the light like in the movies or simply have the switch flicked off?
Unknowable stuff. And depressing to even contemplate.
But we DON'T need others around us thinking, "How old is Jimmy, anyway? Shouldn't he shuffle off to his reward?"
What you really want to avoid is people thinking you are dead when you are not.
Apparently this happens all the time; guy has a sneezing fit and collapses and then wakes up in the morgue! The family all says, "We thought he was dead!"
Yeah... right.
They were LOOKING for the opportunity to declare the guy dead. I can see it clearly.
SCENARIO
Husband: Something in the air today, don't you think? I have been sneezing all day! What IS that? Pollen?
Wife: I don't notice anything....
Husband: Yeah... sneezing a lot is all... what's on the tube this evening anyway? . . . . . AH CHOOOOO!!!
(falls down and lies there for a little while)
Wife: QUICK! KIDS! Your father is finally dead. We need to load him on the truck and take him to the morgue.
[at the morgue]
Coroner: What have we got here?
Wife: My husband (sniffle sniffle)... he passed away just an hour ago. And I thought he would outlive me! (cries ostentatiously)
Coroner: Let's have a look. Say... you don't have anything to drink with you, do you?
Wife: Drink? Um.... I do have this bottle of vodka... unopened. You want some of this? It was... his... (cries again).
Coroner: Whoa! Stoli! My fave. Yes, thank you. OK. I need to do some tests here. Y'all stand back, OK? (opens bottle and swigs several times directly from the bottle)
Hmm... he definitely looks deceased. What did you say happened?
Wife: He had a kind of fit and fell over.
Coroner: OK. Good enough. I will say it was a heart attack. May I keep the bottle?
Wife: Oh sure. I don't drink.
Husband wakes up the next morning with hypothermia in the morgue.
We seniors need to be on our guard just in case people around us might think that we have passed our "best by" date.
So – once again, as a public service – I would like to give back to the community and provide helpful hints to seniors as to how not to have this happen to them.
Obviously, the basic principle is to not appear to be dead. This is often not as easy as it seems; we take naps, we fade off in our chairs in the evening. It's easy to see how grandpa might not seem to be breathing sometimes. So we need to take precautions.
1. The Favorite Chair Scenario
Clearly drifting off in your favorite chair in the evening is an open invitation for those around you to say, "Hey! He looks dead to me! Let's truck him over to the dump!" So you need to take precautions. I am recommending handcuffs. They are cheap and they will affix you to your chair so that the pesky relatives cannot easily schlep you to the dump.
2. The Afternoon Nap Scenario
Napping is a vulnerable time for us seniors. Some of us bellow and snort with sleep noises, but others are silent and – worse – stretched out in "abnormal" positions that suggest "DEAD DEAD DEAD!!" to the relatives. You need to take precautions against this. First, look around at the place where you nap. Imagine your sleeping form there; does it look deceased? You need to change it. Hold a book and sit halfway upright in bed with open eyes painted on your eyelids, for example. This will convince people that you are reading. Record your snoring friends and play the sounds when you are sleeping. This will also make your relatives stop at the door and wait for other opportunities.
3. The Narcolepsy or Sneezing Collapse Scenario
We seniors are frail and suffer from a lot of disabilities. The drugs we take alone would be enough to turn most young people into pillars of salt. Suddenly things happen to us and it is easy for those around us to "mistake" this for death.
Charming Kids: "Mom! Mom! What's wrong with Grandpa! He sneezed or something and now he is not moving!!"
Mom: He's dead! Help me carry him to the truck.
You need to think about this in advance. Wear a bracelet that says in several languages (this could – and often does – happen while traveling abroad), "I AM NOT DEAD!"
4. The "Dying" While Traveling Scenario
Many relatives will take you on an arduous trip. We seniors are vulnerable to this as we don't like to admit we cannot do the things we used to do; we pretend we are as strong as ever.
Wife: Honey? Does the thin air here at Everest Base Camp bother you?
Husband: (struggling to revive his cardiopulmonary system) GAR! GESSHHH! I.... am.... fine..... no.... problem.
Often it is more than a senior can take right away and he faints. Naturally this is looked at as an opportunity.
Wife: OMG! Harry! Are you OK?!! HARRY!! SPEAK TO ME!!! GUIDE!! HEY! Harry has fainted or something... help me!
Guide: The monks in the Jokhang Monastery would often fast for days.... what?
Wife: My husband... he has fainted.
Guide: You want coffee?
Wife: No... he is sick, ill.
Guide: I bring breakfast. You wait here.
Wife: No! I need a doctor. An ambulance!!! Hurry PLEASE!
Guide: We have, we have! I bring special perfumes for you! My cousin! He make the very best! You wait here. [Guide runs off to get cousin].
Of course, the next stop is the crematorium.
5. Don't Get Cremated Scenario
Being mistaken for dead is bad enough, but then what often happens is, rather than letting you sleep it off in the morgue, they rush out and cremate you. Now is THAT a drag or what? There is no recovery from that, so it is imperative that you prevent this from happening. There are some steps you can take. First, say you are Jewish. This makes cremation difficult. Another thing is to wear a bracelet that says you have a plutonium implant in your body. Cremation of radioactive materials is illegal in most places. These steps will allow for enough time for you to wake up in the morgue.
You: WTF?! Where AM I.
Morgue Attendant: (turning pale) 你死了！(You are dead!)
You: It's freaking cold in here. Can I get some coffee or something? What is this hotel anyway?
MA: 我必须去。(I have to go.) [runs out]
There are other things to do as well of course: eat healthy food, don't smoke, moderate your drinking (yeah...right), and so on, but the five tips above will ensure that in that emergency moment you can keep your relatives from deciding you are deceased and guarantee that you live another day!
Unknowable stuff. And depressing to even contemplate.
But we DON'T need others around us thinking, "How old is Jimmy, anyway? Shouldn't he shuffle off to his reward?"
What you really want to avoid is people thinking you are dead when you are not.
Apparently this happens all the time; guy has a sneezing fit and collapses and then wakes up in the morgue! The family all says, "We thought he was dead!"
Yeah... right.
They were LOOKING for the opportunity to declare the guy dead. I can see it clearly.
SCENARIO
Husband: Something in the air today, don't you think? I have been sneezing all day! What IS that? Pollen?
Wife: I don't notice anything....
Husband: Yeah... sneezing a lot is all... what's on the tube this evening anyway? . . . . . AH CHOOOOO!!!
(falls down and lies there for a little while)
Wife: QUICK! KIDS! Your father is finally dead. We need to load him on the truck and take him to the morgue.
[at the morgue]
Coroner: What have we got here?
Wife: My husband (sniffle sniffle)... he passed away just an hour ago. And I thought he would outlive me! (cries ostentatiously)
Coroner: Let's have a look. Say... you don't have anything to drink with you, do you?
Wife: Drink? Um.... I do have this bottle of vodka... unopened. You want some of this? It was... his... (cries again).
Coroner: Whoa! Stoli! My fave. Yes, thank you. OK. I need to do some tests here. Y'all stand back, OK? (opens bottle and swigs several times directly from the bottle)
Hmm... he definitely looks deceased. What did you say happened?
Wife: He had a kind of fit and fell over.
Coroner: OK. Good enough. I will say it was a heart attack. May I keep the bottle?
Wife: Oh sure. I don't drink.
Husband wakes up the next morning with hypothermia in the morgue.
We seniors need to be on our guard just in case people around us might think that we have passed our "best by" date.
So – once again, as a public service – I would like to give back to the community and provide helpful hints to seniors as to how not to have this happen to them.
Obviously, the basic principle is to not appear to be dead. This is often not as easy as it seems; we take naps, we fade off in our chairs in the evening. It's easy to see how grandpa might not seem to be breathing sometimes. So we need to take precautions.
1. The Favorite Chair Scenario
Clearly drifting off in your favorite chair in the evening is an open invitation for those around you to say, "Hey! He looks dead to me! Let's truck him over to the dump!" So you need to take precautions. I am recommending handcuffs. They are cheap and they will affix you to your chair so that the pesky relatives cannot easily schlep you to the dump.
2. The Afternoon Nap Scenario
Napping is a vulnerable time for us seniors. Some of us bellow and snort with sleep noises, but others are silent and – worse – stretched out in "abnormal" positions that suggest "DEAD DEAD DEAD!!" to the relatives. You need to take precautions against this. First, look around at the place where you nap. Imagine your sleeping form there; does it look deceased? You need to change it. Hold a book and sit halfway upright in bed with open eyes painted on your eyelids, for example. This will convince people that you are reading. Record your snoring friends and play the sounds when you are sleeping. This will also make your relatives stop at the door and wait for other opportunities.
3. The Narcolepsy or Sneezing Collapse Scenario
We seniors are frail and suffer from a lot of disabilities. The drugs we take alone would be enough to turn most young people into pillars of salt. Suddenly things happen to us and it is easy for those around us to "mistake" this for death.
Charming Kids: "Mom! Mom! What's wrong with Grandpa! He sneezed or something and now he is not moving!!"
Mom: He's dead! Help me carry him to the truck.
You need to think about this in advance. Wear a bracelet that says in several languages (this could – and often does – happen while traveling abroad), "I AM NOT DEAD!"
4. The "Dying" While Traveling Scenario
Many relatives will take you on an arduous trip. We seniors are vulnerable to this as we don't like to admit we cannot do the things we used to do; we pretend we are as strong as ever.
Wife: Honey? Does the thin air here at Everest Base Camp bother you?
Husband: (struggling to revive his cardiopulmonary system) GAR! GESSHHH! I.... am.... fine..... no.... problem.
Often it is more than a senior can take right away and he faints. Naturally this is looked at as an opportunity.
Wife: OMG! Harry! Are you OK?!! HARRY!! SPEAK TO ME!!! GUIDE!! HEY! Harry has fainted or something... help me!
Guide: The monks in the Jokhang Monastery would often fast for days.... what?
Wife: My husband... he has fainted.
Guide: You want coffee?
Wife: No... he is sick, ill.
Guide: I bring breakfast. You wait here.
Wife: No! I need a doctor. An ambulance!!! Hurry PLEASE!
Guide: We have, we have! I bring special perfumes for you! My cousin! He make the very best! You wait here. [Guide runs off to get cousin].
Of course, the next stop is the crematorium.
5. Don't Get Cremated Scenario
Being mistaken for dead is bad enough, but then what often happens is, rather than letting you sleep it off in the morgue, they rush out and cremate you. Now is THAT a drag or what? There is no recovery from that, so it is imperative that you prevent this from happening. There are some steps you can take. First, say you are Jewish. This makes cremation difficult. Another thing is to wear a bracelet that says you have a plutonium implant in your body. Cremation of radioactive materials is illegal in most places. These steps will allow for enough time for you to wake up in the morgue.
You: WTF?! Where AM I.
Morgue Attendant: (turning pale) 你死了！(You are dead!)
You: It's freaking cold in here. Can I get some coffee or something? What is this hotel anyway?
MA: 我必须去。(I have to go.) [runs out]
There are other things to do as well of course: eat healthy food, don't smoke, moderate your drinking (yeah...right), and so on, but the five tips above will ensure that in that emergency moment you can keep your relatives from deciding you are deceased and guarantee that you live another day!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Guess That Thing answers
How to Score
90 ~ 100% correct
You should consult your mental health professional.
70 ~ 89% correct
You could get a job in a Japanese marketing company
50 ~ 69% correct
Definitely been in Japan too long
26 ~ 49%
Fairly normal if you live in Japan; a little odd if you don't
0 ~ 25%
Random guessing would get you 25%.
1. Freed
a. sugarless gum
b. car*
c. flea & tick medicine for cats
d. dish washing liquid
2. Latte
a. canned coffee drink
b. body soap
c. skin cream
d. car*
3. Hi-Soft
a. cigarettes
b. light bulb
c. condom
d. caramels*
4. UFO
a. car
b. earphones
c. cup noodle*
d. dish washing liquid
5. Blendy Stick
a. manual transmission Blendy (car name)
b. instant coffee in stick form*
c. stick cookie
d. condom
6. LEE
a. jeans
b. hair growth shampoo
c. laundry detergent
d. curry*
7. Pakyni (don't ask me to pronounce it)
a. curry
b. car
c. stick cookie*
d. body soap
8. Pucca
a. wool mittens
b. anti-diarrhea medicine
c. cookies*
d. car
9. Cratz
a. cheese crackers*
b. car
c. bath soap
d. deodorant
10. O'Zack
a. potato chips*
b. dish washing liquid
c. beer
d. minty body lotion
11. *Zest
a. car*
b. shampoo
c. high vitamin C drink
d. laundry detergent
12. Glamorous Butterfly
a. condom*
b. car
c. chocolate candy
d. dish washing liquid
13. Hot Cap
a. canned alcoholic drink
b. pepper sauce
c. condom*
d. chemical hand warmer
14. Every
a. chocolate drink
b. car*
c. cigarettes
d. men's shampoo
15. Body Shot
a. coffee drink*
b. condom
c. body soap
d. hair treatment
16. Crunky Ball Nude
a. condom
b. chocolate ball-type candy*
c. dish washing liquid
d. shampoo
17. Silky Black
a. black condom
b. hair-tint rinse (black)
c. dark chocolate
d. black coffee drink*
90 ~ 100% correct
You should consult your mental health professional.
70 ~ 89% correct
You could get a job in a Japanese marketing company
50 ~ 69% correct
Definitely been in Japan too long
26 ~ 49%
Fairly normal if you live in Japan; a little odd if you don't
0 ~ 25%
Random guessing would get you 25%.
1. Freed
a. sugarless gum
b. car*
c. flea & tick medicine for cats
d. dish washing liquid
2. Latte
a. canned coffee drink
b. body soap
c. skin cream
d. car*
3. Hi-Soft
a. cigarettes
b. light bulb
c. condom
d. caramels*
4. UFO
a. car
b. earphones
c. cup noodle*
d. dish washing liquid
5. Blendy Stick
a. manual transmission Blendy (car name)
b. instant coffee in stick form*
c. stick cookie
d. condom
6. LEE
a. jeans
b. hair growth shampoo
c. laundry detergent
d. curry*
7. Pakyni (don't ask me to pronounce it)
a. curry
b. car
c. stick cookie*
d. body soap
8. Pucca
a. wool mittens
b. anti-diarrhea medicine
c. cookies*
d. car
9. Cratz
a. cheese crackers*
b. car
c. bath soap
d. deodorant
10. O'Zack
a. potato chips*
b. dish washing liquid
c. beer
d. minty body lotion
11. *Zest
a. car*
b. shampoo
c. high vitamin C drink
d. laundry detergent
12. Glamorous Butterfly
a. condom*
b. car
c. chocolate candy
d. dish washing liquid
13. Hot Cap
a. canned alcoholic drink
b. pepper sauce
c. condom*
d. chemical hand warmer
14. Every
a. chocolate drink
b. car*
c. cigarettes
d. men's shampoo
15. Body Shot
a. coffee drink*
b. condom
c. body soap
d. hair treatment
16. Crunky Ball Nude
a. condom
b. chocolate ball-type candy*
c. dish washing liquid
d. shampoo
17. Silky Black
a. black condom
b. hair-tint rinse (black)
c. dark chocolate
d. black coffee drink*
Monday, August 8, 2011
Guess That Thing!
I had thought at first I would write cleverly about how the political systems of Japan and the US – each completely dysfunctional in its own culture – might be profitably exchanged. You know... the Japanese system of incompetent and weak-willed idiots could go to the US Congress and the incompetent and strong-willed boneheads in the US Congress could go to Japan. Each group – out of its everyday culture and milieu – would be able to take advantage of cultural differences and bring about a speedy and brilliant success.
Alas, it is painful to realize that simply exchanging morons will not help matters at all. In fact, taking them away from the security of their own political and domestic culture would only increase the amount of drool the janitors would have to mop up.
SOOooooo.... instead, since one of my early blogs a year ago was a "Guess That Thing" quiz of Japanese items with English names, I thought now would be a good time to make another one, a sort of anniversary quiz. It might even elevate our minds a bit, away from thinking about politics!
All the items below have the names just as you see them here; they are written in Roman letters, not Japanese. I will provide the answers next week.
1. Freed
a. sugarless gum
b. car
c. flea & tick medicine for cats
d. dish washing liquid
2. Latte
a. canned coffee drink
b. body soap
c. skin cream
d. car
3. Hi-Soft
a. cigarettes
b. light bulb
c. condom
d. caramels
4. UFO
a. car
b. earphones
c. cup noodle
d. dish washing liquid
5. Blendy Stick
a. manual transmission Blendy (car name)
b. instant coffee in stick form
c. stick cookie
d. condom
6. LEE
a. jeans
b. hair growth shampoo
c. laundry detergent
d. curry
7. Pakyni (don't ask me to pronounce it)
a. curry
b. car
c. stick cookie
d. body soap
8. Pucca
a. wool mittens
b. anti-diarrhea medicine
c. cookies
d. car
9. Cratz
a. cheese crackers
b. car
c. bath soap
d. deodorant
10. O'Zack
a. potato chips
b. dish washing liquid
c. beer
d. minty body lotion
11. Zest
a. car
b. shampoo
c. high vitamin C drink
d. laundry detergent
12. Glamorous Butterfly
a. condom
b. car
c. chocolate candy
d. dish washing liquid
13. Hot Cap
a. canned alcoholic drink
b. pepper sauce
c. condom
d. chemical hand warmer
14. Every
a. chocolate drink
b. car
c. cigarettes
d. men's shampoo
15. Body Shot
a. coffee drink
b. condom
c. body soap
d. hair treatment
16. Crunky Ball Nude
a. condom
b. chocolate ball-type candy
c. dish washing liquid
d. shampoo
17. Silky Black
a. black condom
b. hair-tint rinse (black)
c. dark chocolate
d. black coffee drink
Alas, it is painful to realize that simply exchanging morons will not help matters at all. In fact, taking them away from the security of their own political and domestic culture would only increase the amount of drool the janitors would have to mop up.
SOOooooo.... instead, since one of my early blogs a year ago was a "Guess That Thing" quiz of Japanese items with English names, I thought now would be a good time to make another one, a sort of anniversary quiz. It might even elevate our minds a bit, away from thinking about politics!
All the items below have the names just as you see them here; they are written in Roman letters, not Japanese. I will provide the answers next week.
1. Freed
a. sugarless gum
b. car
c. flea & tick medicine for cats
d. dish washing liquid
2. Latte
a. canned coffee drink
b. body soap
c. skin cream
d. car
3. Hi-Soft
a. cigarettes
b. light bulb
c. condom
d. caramels
4. UFO
a. car
b. earphones
c. cup noodle
d. dish washing liquid
5. Blendy Stick
a. manual transmission Blendy (car name)
b. instant coffee in stick form
c. stick cookie
d. condom
6. LEE
a. jeans
b. hair growth shampoo
c. laundry detergent
d. curry
7. Pakyni (don't ask me to pronounce it)
a. curry
b. car
c. stick cookie
d. body soap
8. Pucca
a. wool mittens
b. anti-diarrhea medicine
c. cookies
d. car
9. Cratz
a. cheese crackers
b. car
c. bath soap
d. deodorant
10. O'Zack
a. potato chips
b. dish washing liquid
c. beer
d. minty body lotion
11. Zest
a. car
b. shampoo
c. high vitamin C drink
d. laundry detergent
12. Glamorous Butterfly
a. condom
b. car
c. chocolate candy
d. dish washing liquid
13. Hot Cap
a. canned alcoholic drink
b. pepper sauce
c. condom
d. chemical hand warmer
14. Every
a. chocolate drink
b. car
c. cigarettes
d. men's shampoo
15. Body Shot
a. coffee drink
b. condom
c. body soap
d. hair treatment
16. Crunky Ball Nude
a. condom
b. chocolate ball-type candy
c. dish washing liquid
d. shampoo
17. Silky Black
a. black condom
b. hair-tint rinse (black)
c. dark chocolate
d. black coffee drink
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