Prayer is good for
1. Stopping the Supreme Court from accepting gay marriage.
2. Stopping a bad tornado in Oklahoma.
3. Making people feel better after a bad tornado in Oklahoma.
4. Casting out demons.
5. Getting mafiosi to be good.
6. Helping you decide to go back to work.
7. Getting Rick Santorum elected President.
8. Repealing Obamacare.
9. Making gay people straight.
10. Stopping children from being killed by guns better than gun control legislation.
11. Getting Mitt Romney elected President.
12. Saving you from taking the Titanic.
13. Making your trip to Disney World healthy.
14. Stopping drone attacks on you.
15. Guarding against accidents in your new car.
16. Finding you a job.
17. Getting you more money.
18. Finding a husband.
19. Getting through divorce.
20. Convincing Herman Cain to run for President.
21. Convincing Herman Cain to stop running for President.
22. Making it snow.
23. Making it stop snowing.
24. Getting more sex.
25. Helping Paul Ryan's kids with their homework.
Enough.... you get the picture.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Internet for Seniors
Today we are going to talk about the Internet and how much fun it can be for seniors to get involved in this new and exciting world. The Internet has been all the rage of late – even in the news – and I am sure that all of you out there have heard of it.
Using the Internet can bring some important benefits for you – the senior citizen – so you need to perk up and read this carefully.
(Yes, it does mean that you need to put down the Metamucil, and it's disgusting that you eat the powder directly from the package.)
I know you are asking, "What good is the Internet?"
That is a legitimate question. Thanks for asking it.
With just a few simple techniques, you – as a senior citizen – can gain a lot from using the Internet in just a few minutes a day.
"How do I do this," you ask?
It's easy!
Even *I can do it, and I am well-known to be a technology-challenged Luddite. I actually do not have an iPod or a smart phone! Can you believe it?
But despite these handicaps, let me walk you through the process of using the Internet to your advantage. It's important to "personalize" the experience so that you really get the information that YOU want without spending hours looking at stuff you don't really need.
First of all you need to turn on your computer. Once it "boots up" (technical language for "starting") you should open a "browser".
You should use the expression "boot up" several times a day to make people understand how hip you are. You can follow this example conversation!
Scenario
Prospective son-in-law: Wow! What a nice house you have here, Mr. Pterosaurish. It means so much to me to see where Natalie grew up! It makes me feel so much closer to her. Which room was hers?
Me: No way am I showing you her room....
Natalie: Oh, Daddy... don't be so silly! (smiling in a condescending way) I will show him my old room.
Me: How about I boot him up the stairs? (key phrase)
Natalie: Dad! I told you to .... grrr.... just mind your manners, OK? Why don't you go help Mom with the dinner.
Anyway, it's important to be "with it" and "cool" as you get older, and being able to use the Internet and the "lingo" associated with it is key to that image.
You want your children's friends, such as your prospective son-in-law to appreciate that you can "operate" on his level in the modern world, even though you know he's a jerk and you cannot BEAR the idea that he is sleeping with your daughter!
(sorry... we all have our pet peeves...)
And what IS it these days with these young guys? They all have tattoos and sit around for hours playing video games! And their earphones are so embedded, they would need to be surgically removed, and every time you say something, their first answer is "what?". It's really hard to relate to them! I keep telling Natalie that she needs to find a....
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to keep on topic here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
So getting back to the Internet. There is a lot of specific information there that we seniors will find incredibly useful.
For example, did you know that you can look up people on the Internet and track down all sorts of private information about them?
Yes!
This ties in with our natural instincts to be nosy and curious about the people around us.
Let's use a real-life example to demonstrate how powerful a tool this can be!
My daughter's boyfriend, for example. His name isREDACTED
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to talk in more general terms here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
OK, let me approach this in a more indirect sort of way.
Suppose there is someone (NOBODY WE KNOW, OK?) that you want to find out about. Let's say you want to find out about that weird neighbor Mr. Peter Flournoy who lives in that dilapidated house just two doors down.
You write his name into the search panel of Google and press return.
Then – as if by a miracle – a lot of information appears!
First of all you find out that he is a member of some stupid band
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to actually look up the person I mentioned above and not someone else.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Mr. Peter Flournoy is a boring lawyer.
But this just gives you an example of what you can do!
And that is not all!
Suppose you want to not only find general information about someone, but really detailed stuff. What if you need to know whether someone who seems to be "your friend" is REALLY who they claim to be or maybe an escaped convict or lay-about loser that you wouldn't want ANYone in your family hanging around with.
What you can do in this case is enter "criminal record check" and the name of your city in the search box, and lo and behold, you find out that mmmmmmmmmmmm ....... mmmmmmmmm !
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to turn off my computer and help my wife with dinner.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Anyway... there is a lot out there on the Internet that seniors can profit from using... go for it!
Using the Internet can bring some important benefits for you – the senior citizen – so you need to perk up and read this carefully.
(Yes, it does mean that you need to put down the Metamucil, and it's disgusting that you eat the powder directly from the package.)
I know you are asking, "What good is the Internet?"
That is a legitimate question. Thanks for asking it.
With just a few simple techniques, you – as a senior citizen – can gain a lot from using the Internet in just a few minutes a day.
"How do I do this," you ask?
It's easy!
Even *I can do it, and I am well-known to be a technology-challenged Luddite. I actually do not have an iPod or a smart phone! Can you believe it?
But despite these handicaps, let me walk you through the process of using the Internet to your advantage. It's important to "personalize" the experience so that you really get the information that YOU want without spending hours looking at stuff you don't really need.
First of all you need to turn on your computer. Once it "boots up" (technical language for "starting") you should open a "browser".
You should use the expression "boot up" several times a day to make people understand how hip you are. You can follow this example conversation!
Scenario
Prospective son-in-law: Wow! What a nice house you have here, Mr. Pterosaurish. It means so much to me to see where Natalie grew up! It makes me feel so much closer to her. Which room was hers?
Me: No way am I showing you her room....
Natalie: Oh, Daddy... don't be so silly! (smiling in a condescending way) I will show him my old room.
Me: How about I boot him up the stairs? (key phrase)
Natalie: Dad! I told you to .... grrr.... just mind your manners, OK? Why don't you go help Mom with the dinner.
Anyway, it's important to be "with it" and "cool" as you get older, and being able to use the Internet and the "lingo" associated with it is key to that image.
You want your children's friends, such as your prospective son-in-law to appreciate that you can "operate" on his level in the modern world, even though you know he's a jerk and you cannot BEAR the idea that he is sleeping with your daughter!
(sorry... we all have our pet peeves...)
And what IS it these days with these young guys? They all have tattoos and sit around for hours playing video games! And their earphones are so embedded, they would need to be surgically removed, and every time you say something, their first answer is "what?". It's really hard to relate to them! I keep telling Natalie that she needs to find a....
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to keep on topic here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
So getting back to the Internet. There is a lot of specific information there that we seniors will find incredibly useful.
For example, did you know that you can look up people on the Internet and track down all sorts of private information about them?
Yes!
This ties in with our natural instincts to be nosy and curious about the people around us.
Let's use a real-life example to demonstrate how powerful a tool this can be!
My daughter's boyfriend, for example. His name is
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to talk in more general terms here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
OK, let me approach this in a more indirect sort of way.
Suppose there is someone (NOBODY WE KNOW, OK?) that you want to find out about. Let's say you want to find out about that weird neighbor Mr. Peter Flournoy who lives in that dilapidated house just two doors down.
You write his name into the search panel of Google and press return.
Then – as if by a miracle – a lot of information appears!
First of all you find out that he is a member of some stupid band
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to actually look up the person I mentioned above and not someone else.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Mr. Peter Flournoy is a boring lawyer.
But this just gives you an example of what you can do!
And that is not all!
Suppose you want to not only find general information about someone, but really detailed stuff. What if you need to know whether someone who seems to be "your friend" is REALLY who they claim to be or maybe an escaped convict or lay-about loser that you wouldn't want ANYone in your family hanging around with.
What you can do in this case is enter "criminal record check" and the name of your city in the search box, and lo and behold, you find out that mmmmmmmmmmmm ....... mmmmmmmmm !
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to turn off my computer and help my wife with dinner.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Anyway... there is a lot out there on the Internet that seniors can profit from using... go for it!
Monday, May 13, 2013
7 Steps to a Better Senior Driver
My name is Pterosaurish, and I am a Baby Boomer.
It's not my fault.
I am sure that many of you are Baby Boomers too; we have this in common.
Let's all hold hands and sing something... what was it? Kumbaya? or if you are Japanese... 戦争をしらない?
I don't actually remember the 60s... so I might be wrong about the songs.
But what I DO remember is that we DID have cars.
Ours was the first generation that grew up with cars. We even had music that featured cars.
Check this out... a song bragging about his car and then feeling regret about what happened after he bragged about the car. Are those definitive songs or what?!
We loved cars in the US.
And even though I grew up in Japan, I still loved cars in a once-removed sort of way, like you love your nice Auntie in Nebraska.
Nonetheless, we are all getting on now, and having just helped our parents quit driving and move right away to life support, suddenly... and I DO mean suddenly... we are faced with challenges in our own driving.
What could be more important to us Baby Boomers than advice about driving (other than how to make sure our life support is plugged in).
I am a seriously good driver. And I want to tell you that YOU are also a good driver. When the cops stop you, say, "I have been driving since before you were born, twit!"
This will impress them. You might want to leave out the "twit" part, but the bottom line is that we have been driving longer than anyone. It's a generational skill that we need to recognize.
But we seniors do have problems. Some of us make mistakes and bad things happen. People DIE.. even. But – hey – even youngish airplane pilots crash their jets into things. It's not just about us.
In Japan, for example, they require all drivers over the age of 70 to have a special sticker on their cars. This is based on the fundamental Japanese attitude that a sticker can solve most social problems (hello America... not ALL countries think guns are the solution).
So since I am such a good driver and since nobody has taken my license away (we boomers have fewer kids, so THAT's a plus), I can give you important advice on how to be a better driver yourself and keep driving for many more years to come.
Once again, I will do this in the ever popular numbered format. That way you know how long you have to pay attention before you fall asleep at the wheel.
1. Check out your car before you drive.
Are those tires bald? Are the wipers in good condition? What is that blood on the bumper? Is that a shirt tangled up in the exhaust pipe? And so on. Nothing makes for a better driver than knowing his or her vehicle.
2. Hold onto the steering wheel.
Let's face it: most of us have been driving since we were in our teens. We're talking a lot of years here. We have gotten blasé and lackadaisical about our driving to the point that we hold the steering wheel with our knees while we clean our sunglasses or eat a boxed lunch with chopsticks. You do that too, right?
We need to stop that and grip the steering wheel securely.
3. Avoid distractions.
When you get to be a senior driver, your mind tends to wander. "Did I turn off the gas?" or "What WAS the name of Tom Hank's role in that movie... Force something... Grump...?" and we don't pay attention to the road as well as we should.
Adding to the problem are all the jerks honking at us all the time.
You need to shut them down. You can do this by getting the proper sticker (Japan is right!). But you need to get the right one for your area.
In the deep South, you get a "Honk if you love Obama" sticker. This will definitely cut down on the annoying honking.
In Philly you get a "Honk if you love New York" sticker. In the Pacific Northwest a "Honk if you love Jesus" sticker, and in the midwest a "Honk if you hate guns" sticker.
The amount of honking at you will go down very rapidly.
4. Look at the road.
This is related to # 3 above, but you really need to keep your eyes on the road. The super sale at the shopping center on the left or the beautiful woman walking on the right do not need your immediate attention. You must slow down and brake to a stop and THEN check them out safely.
5. Despite your stickers, some drivers will still honk at you for #4 above. Ignore them. Those people are impatient jerks who don't really have a life. Let them fester in their own hostile juices. It is very important for senior drivers to be calm and collected and not be flustered. A flustered senior is a recipe for a lot of roadkill. You might need to stop your car and walk back to the jerks who are stuck behind you, to "talk" to them about this important problem.
Will they be surprised or what? I have never seen power windows go up so fast.
6. Don't exceed the speed limit by more than 15 kph.
Take it from me; your radar detector will not work all the time (Damn, and I spent good money for it!). It's better to drive slowly and not get your license revoked for doing the little old lady from Pasadena thing, especially not in Japan. The police are polite and cheerful but they don't cut you any slack. "See this radar display? You were doing 77 kph in a 60 kph zone. Please put your fingerprint on this paper to show that you saw the display." They actually said that to me! They also didn't seem keen about being called twits.
7. Finally, there is the issue of getting sleepy behind the wheel. We seniors do get woozy from time to time, and we can be a serious danger on the road when we are dozy at the wheel; there are no excuses you can make to cover for it.
When you get sleepy, you need to take the proper measures to make sure that you will not be caught up in a dreadful accident.
What do you do?
When you feel yourself starting to fall asleep, slow down and stay in the slow lane. Then flick on the turn indicator. You are in the slow lane, so indicate that you will be moving to the fast lane. Since you are going 40kph on a 100kph highway, this signaling will alert other drivers to you and make them worry that you might suddenly swerve into the fast lane (where they are going 160kph) at your slow speed. You won't cause any accidents for being sleepy.
All the same, pull off to the shoulder or somewhere to take a nice nap as soon as you can.
I hope that these steps will make you into the really GREAT driver I am today. There is no reason why we seniors cannot continue to drive our vehicles well into our 90s (90 is the new 60!) if we follow these few simple rules.
Good luck and don't forget that the gas pump goes into that little hole in the back of your car... not any other little hole (just saying).
It's not my fault.
I am sure that many of you are Baby Boomers too; we have this in common.
Let's all hold hands and sing something... what was it? Kumbaya? or if you are Japanese... 戦争をしらない?
I don't actually remember the 60s... so I might be wrong about the songs.
But what I DO remember is that we DID have cars.
Ours was the first generation that grew up with cars. We even had music that featured cars.
Check this out... a song bragging about his car and then feeling regret about what happened after he bragged about the car. Are those definitive songs or what?!
We loved cars in the US.
And even though I grew up in Japan, I still loved cars in a once-removed sort of way, like you love your nice Auntie in Nebraska.
Nonetheless, we are all getting on now, and having just helped our parents quit driving and move right away to life support, suddenly... and I DO mean suddenly... we are faced with challenges in our own driving.
What could be more important to us Baby Boomers than advice about driving (other than how to make sure our life support is plugged in).
I am a seriously good driver. And I want to tell you that YOU are also a good driver. When the cops stop you, say, "I have been driving since before you were born, twit!"
This will impress them. You might want to leave out the "twit" part, but the bottom line is that we have been driving longer than anyone. It's a generational skill that we need to recognize.
But we seniors do have problems. Some of us make mistakes and bad things happen. People DIE.. even. But – hey – even youngish airplane pilots crash their jets into things. It's not just about us.
In Japan, for example, they require all drivers over the age of 70 to have a special sticker on their cars. This is based on the fundamental Japanese attitude that a sticker can solve most social problems (hello America... not ALL countries think guns are the solution).
So since I am such a good driver and since nobody has taken my license away (we boomers have fewer kids, so THAT's a plus), I can give you important advice on how to be a better driver yourself and keep driving for many more years to come.
Once again, I will do this in the ever popular numbered format. That way you know how long you have to pay attention before you fall asleep at the wheel.
1. Check out your car before you drive.
Are those tires bald? Are the wipers in good condition? What is that blood on the bumper? Is that a shirt tangled up in the exhaust pipe? And so on. Nothing makes for a better driver than knowing his or her vehicle.
2. Hold onto the steering wheel.
Let's face it: most of us have been driving since we were in our teens. We're talking a lot of years here. We have gotten blasé and lackadaisical about our driving to the point that we hold the steering wheel with our knees while we clean our sunglasses or eat a boxed lunch with chopsticks. You do that too, right?
We need to stop that and grip the steering wheel securely.
3. Avoid distractions.
When you get to be a senior driver, your mind tends to wander. "Did I turn off the gas?" or "What WAS the name of Tom Hank's role in that movie... Force something... Grump...?" and we don't pay attention to the road as well as we should.
Adding to the problem are all the jerks honking at us all the time.
You need to shut them down. You can do this by getting the proper sticker (Japan is right!). But you need to get the right one for your area.
In the deep South, you get a "Honk if you love Obama" sticker. This will definitely cut down on the annoying honking.
In Philly you get a "Honk if you love New York" sticker. In the Pacific Northwest a "Honk if you love Jesus" sticker, and in the midwest a "Honk if you hate guns" sticker.
The amount of honking at you will go down very rapidly.
4. Look at the road.
This is related to # 3 above, but you really need to keep your eyes on the road. The super sale at the shopping center on the left or the beautiful woman walking on the right do not need your immediate attention. You must slow down and brake to a stop and THEN check them out safely.
5. Despite your stickers, some drivers will still honk at you for #4 above. Ignore them. Those people are impatient jerks who don't really have a life. Let them fester in their own hostile juices. It is very important for senior drivers to be calm and collected and not be flustered. A flustered senior is a recipe for a lot of roadkill. You might need to stop your car and walk back to the jerks who are stuck behind you, to "talk" to them about this important problem.
Will they be surprised or what? I have never seen power windows go up so fast.
6. Don't exceed the speed limit by more than 15 kph.
Take it from me; your radar detector will not work all the time (Damn, and I spent good money for it!). It's better to drive slowly and not get your license revoked for doing the little old lady from Pasadena thing, especially not in Japan. The police are polite and cheerful but they don't cut you any slack. "See this radar display? You were doing 77 kph in a 60 kph zone. Please put your fingerprint on this paper to show that you saw the display." They actually said that to me! They also didn't seem keen about being called twits.
7. Finally, there is the issue of getting sleepy behind the wheel. We seniors do get woozy from time to time, and we can be a serious danger on the road when we are dozy at the wheel; there are no excuses you can make to cover for it.
When you get sleepy, you need to take the proper measures to make sure that you will not be caught up in a dreadful accident.
What do you do?
When you feel yourself starting to fall asleep, slow down and stay in the slow lane. Then flick on the turn indicator. You are in the slow lane, so indicate that you will be moving to the fast lane. Since you are going 40kph on a 100kph highway, this signaling will alert other drivers to you and make them worry that you might suddenly swerve into the fast lane (where they are going 160kph) at your slow speed. You won't cause any accidents for being sleepy.
All the same, pull off to the shoulder or somewhere to take a nice nap as soon as you can.
I hope that these steps will make you into the really GREAT driver I am today. There is no reason why we seniors cannot continue to drive our vehicles well into our 90s (90 is the new 60!) if we follow these few simple rules.
Good luck and don't forget that the gas pump goes into that little hole in the back of your car... not any other little hole (just saying).
Monday, May 6, 2013
6 Steps to Spiritual Balance and a Zen Mind
Have you ever noticed how the Huffington Post emphasizes number titles? We have discussed that technique here before.
You grab your audience's attention while still letting them know that
the length of time they need to focus is well within their
truncated attention span.
In the Huffington Post right now we have no fewer than 9 articles that use this approach to introduce information.
10 Reasons to Meditate
6 Ways To Simplify Your Morning Beauty Routine
5 Ways Stress Accelerates Aging
7 Surprising Things That Age You Faster
17 Things To Never Do Alone
First, you don't need to be a stickler about round numbers, so you can go ahead and say things like, "5 Ways to Avoid Painful Constipation" or "3 Steps to Reducing Thigh Friction". It does seem important to not have your numbers be too big. The title above, "17 Things To Never Do Alone", tripped me up. I thought maybe they could have done better by limiting it to 10 or 11, especially since most of them were total fluff.
I mean really... never hang that picture alone? Why zero in on that?
How about replacing that stupid thing with never sticking a live eel up your butt alone? Who would take you to the hospital to have it surgically removed?
Anyway, today I am offering my advice in this very popular, numbered style.
I have been paging through women's magazines and the health websites of the Internet recently and noticed how much space in the advice columns is devoted to "spiritual balance". Someone like me who has lived a long and exciting life has important advice to lend to others who are still trying to find their ways. Yes, I know most of you will be surprised that I have life-advice to offer, since you think I am an incredibly shallow and superficial person, only interested in wine and good fish 'n' chips.
But nothing could be further from the truth; I am interested in good pizza as well.
In fact, I have experienced Zen meditation and the enlightenment that comes from powerful centering exercises with my body through the martial arts. It is this background that presses me to pass along some of what I have learned to those of you who have not been so blessed with these revelations.
A key component of your spiritual development and one that is mentioned by almost every mentor in this field is keeping your spiritual center and physical being in balance.
Gurus and other spiritual leaders talk in parables, so I should follow their lead to help make some of these concepts easier to understand for you, the layperson.
You undoubtedly have a feeling that your inner self still retains the blissful openness of childhood and that your eyes want to drink in the excitement of the world around you as if experiencing everything for the first time. In your mind's eye you chase the wind-tossed, dandelion fluff through the forest of your imagination – free and innocent.
This is your spiritual core revealing itself to you, calling out to you.
Then you look at your physical being and realize that rather than the frisky inner child you imagine yourself to be you are actually more like a manatee. In fact, the only drinking in of experience you have had is the six-pack of beer you finish off every evening in front of the TV. This is WHY you are called a layperson*.
But getting to your balance, this parable shows how you can have an unbalance between these two sides of your being; your yin is weighing down your wang... no, yang.
Something like that.
Anyway, there are steps YOU can take in the comfort of your own home to restore this balance and find transcendental bliss.
1. It is unreasonable to expect to adjust only one side of your nature to fit the other. True, the manatee will have to cut back on the beer, but the inner child will also have to grow up and face the reality of the manatee. Manatees are actually herbivores, so that would be a good start right there, and inner children should not drink beer, since they are underage.
Just saying.
2. Focus on the positive by finding the aspects of both sides of you and realizing their potentials. Your left side says "blubber" and your right side agrees. There you go, another good start.
3. Think about your inner child and ask it if it can compromise to some extent. Both sides have to meet halfway. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian problem. Nobody gets everything s/he wants. Your inner child must give up the acting out part of its adventure (the manatee cannot frisk through the forest), and the manatee side must cut back on the "settlements" (if you get my drift).
4. Learn to feel good about BOTH sides of your being. The yin and the wang both. If your inner child can learn to love the manatee and the manatee can accept the inner child – each on its own terms – you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.
5. Wait... no cake.
6. Surround yourself with fellow travelers. Reinforcement for your spiritual balance from the outside can only help you to achieve your transcendental goals. Find another manatee with an inner child, struggling to get out.
And remember this: Zen means never having to say you are.
Finally, appreciate your mentors and gurus. We do accept all major credit cards as well as cash donations.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Don't mess with me about "lay" and "lie"; I know the difference. Many people still say, "Go lay down for a while until the vodka wears off", I use the word "lay" with that in mind. Yes... "lie" is grammatically correct. If you want to be a "lieperson", go for it.
In the Huffington Post right now we have no fewer than 9 articles that use this approach to introduce information.
10 Reasons to Meditate
4 Common Mispronunciations That Drive Me Crazy
10 Most Horrifying Things Landlords Have Done 6 Ways To Simplify Your Morning Beauty Routine
5 Ways Stress Accelerates Aging
6 Awesome And Affordable Hotels For Beach Bums
9 Fitness Retreats To Whip You Into Shape For Summer 20137 Surprising Things That Age You Faster
17 Things To Never Do Alone
First, you don't need to be a stickler about round numbers, so you can go ahead and say things like, "5 Ways to Avoid Painful Constipation" or "3 Steps to Reducing Thigh Friction". It does seem important to not have your numbers be too big. The title above, "17 Things To Never Do Alone", tripped me up. I thought maybe they could have done better by limiting it to 10 or 11, especially since most of them were total fluff.
I mean really... never hang that picture alone? Why zero in on that?
How about replacing that stupid thing with never sticking a live eel up your butt alone? Who would take you to the hospital to have it surgically removed?
Anyway, today I am offering my advice in this very popular, numbered style.
I have been paging through women's magazines and the health websites of the Internet recently and noticed how much space in the advice columns is devoted to "spiritual balance". Someone like me who has lived a long and exciting life has important advice to lend to others who are still trying to find their ways. Yes, I know most of you will be surprised that I have life-advice to offer, since you think I am an incredibly shallow and superficial person, only interested in wine and good fish 'n' chips.
But nothing could be further from the truth; I am interested in good pizza as well.
In fact, I have experienced Zen meditation and the enlightenment that comes from powerful centering exercises with my body through the martial arts. It is this background that presses me to pass along some of what I have learned to those of you who have not been so blessed with these revelations.
A key component of your spiritual development and one that is mentioned by almost every mentor in this field is keeping your spiritual center and physical being in balance.
Gurus and other spiritual leaders talk in parables, so I should follow their lead to help make some of these concepts easier to understand for you, the layperson.
You undoubtedly have a feeling that your inner self still retains the blissful openness of childhood and that your eyes want to drink in the excitement of the world around you as if experiencing everything for the first time. In your mind's eye you chase the wind-tossed, dandelion fluff through the forest of your imagination – free and innocent.
This is your spiritual core revealing itself to you, calling out to you.
Then you look at your physical being and realize that rather than the frisky inner child you imagine yourself to be you are actually more like a manatee. In fact, the only drinking in of experience you have had is the six-pack of beer you finish off every evening in front of the TV. This is WHY you are called a layperson*.
But getting to your balance, this parable shows how you can have an unbalance between these two sides of your being; your yin is weighing down your wang... no, yang.
Something like that.
Anyway, there are steps YOU can take in the comfort of your own home to restore this balance and find transcendental bliss.
1. It is unreasonable to expect to adjust only one side of your nature to fit the other. True, the manatee will have to cut back on the beer, but the inner child will also have to grow up and face the reality of the manatee. Manatees are actually herbivores, so that would be a good start right there, and inner children should not drink beer, since they are underage.
Just saying.
2. Focus on the positive by finding the aspects of both sides of you and realizing their potentials. Your left side says "blubber" and your right side agrees. There you go, another good start.
3. Think about your inner child and ask it if it can compromise to some extent. Both sides have to meet halfway. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian problem. Nobody gets everything s/he wants. Your inner child must give up the acting out part of its adventure (the manatee cannot frisk through the forest), and the manatee side must cut back on the "settlements" (if you get my drift).
4. Learn to feel good about BOTH sides of your being. The yin and the wang both. If your inner child can learn to love the manatee and the manatee can accept the inner child – each on its own terms – you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.
5. Wait... no cake.
6. Surround yourself with fellow travelers. Reinforcement for your spiritual balance from the outside can only help you to achieve your transcendental goals. Find another manatee with an inner child, struggling to get out.
And remember this: Zen means never having to say you are.
Finally, appreciate your mentors and gurus. We do accept all major credit cards as well as cash donations.
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*Don't mess with me about "lay" and "lie"; I know the difference. Many people still say, "Go lay down for a while until the vodka wears off", I use the word "lay" with that in mind. Yes... "lie" is grammatically correct. If you want to be a "lieperson", go for it.
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