In an earlier post, I submitted that, along with former Pope John Paul II, I am well situated to be made a saint. Despite the lack of a groundswell of support for my candidacy, I have continued to look into saints and what sorts of things are expected of them in the hereafter.
One thing I have discovered is that a lot of saints become "patrons" in the afterlife. For you laypeople, this means that if you have a specific problem, say a bowel disorder, or if you are hypochondriac and want to be protected against a bowel disorder, you would pray to Saint Bonaventure of Bagnoregio. This saint would then intervene on your behalf with the Big Guy (in the sky).
Scenario:
You (on your knees in prayer): Dear Saint Bonaventure of Bagno... Bonnigori... um.. can I call you Saint Bonny Bag? Hey, listen, I have this awful pain in my bowels and a real problem with flatulence. At work today I was in this meeting? It seemed to go on forever, and the pain built up and built up and then I just HAD to let go. OMG! I don't think I have EVER expelled that much gas in one sitting! Usually the chair cushion absorbs most of it, but this time everyone else kinda looked at me funny... So anyway, if you are not busy, could you intervene on my behalf with God and get him to do something about this? Thank you so much.
Amen.
And that is not all! There is a saint for almost everything you can think of and some you can't. There are no fewer than three patron saints to intervene on your behalf when you come down with erysipelas. Drink a little too much at the party last night? You will be wanting to pray to Saint Bibiana, the patron saint of hangovers. There are also two patron saints to help out with your twitching problems: Bartholomew the Apostle and Cornelius. (WARNING: DO NOT READ SAINT BARTHOLOMEW'S PROFILE IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH!)
You think the patrons are there just for your illnesses? No! There are patrons galore — for every conceivable aspect of our mortal existence. Are your children backward? No problem! You pray to Saint Hilary of Poitiers. You feel uncomfortable because your parents were not married? Take it up with one of three saints who can... who can...hmmm... not sure WHAT they can do, actually.
Not only humans, but even our cetacean fellow earthlings have a patron saint in Brendan the Navigator. If you know any whales, please pass this information along to them.
Scenario:
Whale: Dear Saint Brendan... I never should have gone to that all-you-can-eat restaurant last night... I know... I have sinned AGAIN! But what can I do? Bubba and Ralph insisted I go to the mall with them... And could you put in a word for me with Saint Bibiana? I drank way too much Budweiser too. Thanks.
Amen.
Then recently in the news, the head (yes, the literal head!) of the patron saint of genital diseases is coming up for sale! Here is your chance to own a little bit of saint history! Plus, imagine the security you will feel with Saint Vitalis of Assisi's head on your mantelpiece. Your lovers will be impressed too, I am sure!
So I am wondering. What could I be the patron saint of in the afterlife. I would definitely want to be the patron saint of something cool like hang glider pilots or astronauts, but it seems that we don't really get to choose. What a drag to be the patron saint of something gross like goiters. All I can do is pray. Who is the patron saint of saint wannabes?
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
You are what you eat
In this modern world, we are confronted at every turn with questions of an existential nature. Some have challenged humanity from time immemorial: "Is there a god?" or "What am I here for?", while others are new to our age: "Does the refrigerator light really go off when I close the door?"
One question that troubles us all, of course, is what about the stuff we eat? We need food to stay alive, but what food is best? Organic? Should we go vegan? Do vegetarians have the answer?
One way to know how to assess what we eat is to actually read the labels on the boxes and other packaging. True, when you buy a piece of fish, there is no convenient label on there, telling you the contents: fish meat, fish by products, salt, Strontium 90, etc. etc., but many of the things we buy do come in packages with convenient labels.
Check out the label on these granola bars I just bought.
The front of the box proudly proclaims, "Crunchy Granola Bars" and "Oats & Honey" with "100% Natural" in smaller letters below.
Sounds good, no? What could be better for me than the wholesome goodness of 100% natural oats and honey? My mind drifts to bees, buzzing around a country hive with golden fields of oats in the distance, waiting to be harvested.
But wait, there is another panel on the side of the package which lists the ingredients. The granola bars are made of (in order of quantity): Whole grain rolled oats (that's good!), Sugar (Wait... what about the honey and the bees?!), Canola oil, Crisp rice with Soy protein [Rice flour, Soy protein concentrate, Sugar, Salt], Molasses, Honey, Salt, Soy lecithin, Natural flavor, Baking soda, Mixed tocopherols [Preservative], Maple syrup, Brown Sugar, Peanut flour.
I imagine the Tocopherols come from the Tocopherol tree — fresh picked.
Anyway, most of the ingredients are some kind of sweetener: Sugar, sugar in the Crisp rice, Molasses, Honey, Maple syrup and Brown sugar, but that is what I bought it for, right?
Directly under the ingredients panel is another label, warning: Contains: Soy, and Peanuts. This is an alert for those who might be allergic to soy or peanuts; suddenly many people are allergic to a lot of things nowadays.
There is also another warning, stating: May Contain: Wheat, Milk, Eggs, Almonds and Coconut.
May contain? Don't they know? Is someone at the Crunchy Granola Bar factory randomly throwing in wheat, milk, eggs, almonds and coconut from time to time, just to keep us on our toes?
Scene at the factory:
Worker A: Hey! Bubba! Look at all these eggs over here... what are they for?
Bubba: I donno, Elvis... why not dump 'em into the vat?
Ralph: Good idea, Bubba! (throws the eggs into the vat)
Bubba: Yo, Elvis! What are these big round things?
Ralph: Ain't them coconuts?
Bubba: I had no idea they was so big! What are we s'posta do with them?
Ralph: The manager said to just throw whatever into the vat. They will write it up on the label.
Bubba: 'K. Gotcha! (throws the coconuts into the vat)
So if we are what we eat, we may not be what we think we are.
One question that troubles us all, of course, is what about the stuff we eat? We need food to stay alive, but what food is best? Organic? Should we go vegan? Do vegetarians have the answer?
One way to know how to assess what we eat is to actually read the labels on the boxes and other packaging. True, when you buy a piece of fish, there is no convenient label on there, telling you the contents: fish meat, fish by products, salt, Strontium 90, etc. etc., but many of the things we buy do come in packages with convenient labels.
Check out the label on these granola bars I just bought.
The front of the box proudly proclaims, "Crunchy Granola Bars" and "Oats & Honey" with "100% Natural" in smaller letters below.
Sounds good, no? What could be better for me than the wholesome goodness of 100% natural oats and honey? My mind drifts to bees, buzzing around a country hive with golden fields of oats in the distance, waiting to be harvested.
But wait, there is another panel on the side of the package which lists the ingredients. The granola bars are made of (in order of quantity): Whole grain rolled oats (that's good!), Sugar (Wait... what about the honey and the bees?!), Canola oil, Crisp rice with Soy protein [Rice flour, Soy protein concentrate, Sugar, Salt], Molasses, Honey, Salt, Soy lecithin, Natural flavor, Baking soda, Mixed tocopherols [Preservative], Maple syrup, Brown Sugar, Peanut flour.
I imagine the Tocopherols come from the Tocopherol tree — fresh picked.
Anyway, most of the ingredients are some kind of sweetener: Sugar, sugar in the Crisp rice, Molasses, Honey, Maple syrup and Brown sugar, but that is what I bought it for, right?
Directly under the ingredients panel is another label, warning: Contains: Soy, and Peanuts. This is an alert for those who might be allergic to soy or peanuts; suddenly many people are allergic to a lot of things nowadays.
There is also another warning, stating: May Contain: Wheat, Milk, Eggs, Almonds and Coconut.
May contain? Don't they know? Is someone at the Crunchy Granola Bar factory randomly throwing in wheat, milk, eggs, almonds and coconut from time to time, just to keep us on our toes?
Scene at the factory:
Worker A: Hey! Bubba! Look at all these eggs over here... what are they for?
Bubba: I donno, Elvis... why not dump 'em into the vat?
Ralph: Good idea, Bubba! (throws the eggs into the vat)
Bubba: Yo, Elvis! What are these big round things?
Ralph: Ain't them coconuts?
Bubba: I had no idea they was so big! What are we s'posta do with them?
Ralph: The manager said to just throw whatever into the vat. They will write it up on the label.
Bubba: 'K. Gotcha! (throws the coconuts into the vat)
So if we are what we eat, we may not be what we think we are.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Energy Independence
Sometimes it is necessary to write a serious article now and then, so people don't think this writer is shallow and lacking in complex thought. Today is one of those times.
Lately with the nuclear power plant problem in Japan and unnerving discoveries about US nuclear plants, as well as concerns in Germany, the world has never been more acutely aware of the precariousness of our energy supply. Oil is running out; coal is dirty; wind and solar power are a long way from replacing even a small part of our energy demands.
What are we to do?
Liposuction.
That's right, liposuction! In an earlier post (which you can read here), I calculated how much overweight the United States is. The math proved that the US is packing the equivalent of four whole Swedens on its collective physique.
That's a lot of Swedes.
It's also a lot of blubber, and as all of you know, blubber has historically been converted to oil. The early days of the Industrial Revolution depended on whale oil to keep the factories running smoothly.
This blubber has also been successfully converted into a biofuel and used to run a car. Not only that, but a boat running on this fuel is attempting to break the round-the-world speed record.
The United States with its large reserves of blubber should take the lead in exploiting this new and hither-to-fore untapped resource and open liposuction clinics across the country. As the world's standard of living increases, the same resources will develop in other countries as well, and they too can take advantage of this new supply of fuel.
The best news of all is that the liposuction fuel reserves will not be depleted! Blubber that has been removed by liposuction does not STAY removed but returns to another part of the body where it can be mined again!
With this vast, new, wholly untapped, natural and green resource, we can finally achieve energy independence, breaking oil's stranglehold on our economy and our difficult political ties to certain oil producing nations.
Lately with the nuclear power plant problem in Japan and unnerving discoveries about US nuclear plants, as well as concerns in Germany, the world has never been more acutely aware of the precariousness of our energy supply. Oil is running out; coal is dirty; wind and solar power are a long way from replacing even a small part of our energy demands.
What are we to do?
Liposuction.
That's right, liposuction! In an earlier post (which you can read here), I calculated how much overweight the United States is. The math proved that the US is packing the equivalent of four whole Swedens on its collective physique.
That's a lot of Swedes.
It's also a lot of blubber, and as all of you know, blubber has historically been converted to oil. The early days of the Industrial Revolution depended on whale oil to keep the factories running smoothly.
This blubber has also been successfully converted into a biofuel and used to run a car. Not only that, but a boat running on this fuel is attempting to break the round-the-world speed record.
The United States with its large reserves of blubber should take the lead in exploiting this new and hither-to-fore untapped resource and open liposuction clinics across the country. As the world's standard of living increases, the same resources will develop in other countries as well, and they too can take advantage of this new supply of fuel.
The best news of all is that the liposuction fuel reserves will not be depleted! Blubber that has been removed by liposuction does not STAY removed but returns to another part of the body where it can be mined again!
With this vast, new, wholly untapped, natural and green resource, we can finally achieve energy independence, breaking oil's stranglehold on our economy and our difficult political ties to certain oil producing nations.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Donald Trump for Republican Nominee
I have decided to take an early and dramatic step and come out and endorse someone to be a Presidential candidate in 2012. I would like to stand four-square and up-front for Donald Du... no, Donald Trump to run as a Republican for President in 2012.
He has proven his mettle by standing up to President Obama and calling for the "long form birth certificate" which proved beyond any doubt that Obama was born in Hawaii which, apparently, was not a part of Indonesia or Kenya at the time. (It wouldn't hurt to get the long form of Hawaii's birth certificate to make sure of that.)
He has demonstrated a strong commitment to international engagement by suggesting the US simply "take Iraqi and Libyan oil". I, for one, cannot believe we haven't done that sooner. When "W" was President, he tried his best, but it didn't turn out the way he had "planned". The Republicans need Trump to start that ball rolling again and take up where "W" left off. We could simply march in with BP and other drillers and start drilling! This would have the secondary benefit of pacifying the tree hugger types in the US, because it would obviate the need to drill in Alaska.
Trump has also demonstrated that he is willing to call out the Saudis for their unwillingness to give the US all the oil it wants. He said, "There’s so much oil, all over the world, they don’t even know where to dump it." He doesn't buy the idea of declining resources and never mind global warming! This posture will really go down well in the Middle East. They will realize that our President is not some wimp and will line up to see who can give us the most oil at the cheapest possible prices.
He has promised to really put the Chinese in their place too! Starting with sending them out to McDonald's instead of playing host to them at a state dinner, he wants to show them (and the rest of the world) who is boss: nothing like a Big Mac to make THAT sort of statement. Then he will tax them 25%. Boy, won't they be surprised! If they don't choke on the Big Macs, they might have trouble swallowing the sudden tax! Of course, the American consumer will also be delighted to pay 25% more for just about everything including Trump products. And if you think his language was bad when he gave his speech in Las Vegas last week, he promises even worse when negotiating with the Chinese!
Finally, I support him for his obvious intelligence and high moral standards. It's time the Republican Party has someone in a leadership role who can really represent its constituency.
Republican states are among our nation's fattest, and The Donald at 105kg (232 lbs) is someone who can weigh in for their interests. Since Republicans have a higher divorce rate than Democrats, Trump clearly shines as a moral leader with two divorces and three marriages (admittedly Newt Gingrich presents a challenge here with an identical record). Being an ignorant buffoon, of course, can be nothing but a plus when a majority of Republicans across the nation are noted for their belief in creationism and Republican Congressional members do not think humans are responsible for global climate change.
It's for these impeccable reasons that I feel I have to come out and support him now to be a serious candidate for the Republican nomination for President of the United States. I hope all of you will join with me in this endeavor, so that we can see him on TV during the debates with the other Republican candidates. His natural leadership qualities and hairstyle will surely shine through!
He has proven his mettle by standing up to President Obama and calling for the "long form birth certificate" which proved beyond any doubt that Obama was born in Hawaii which, apparently, was not a part of Indonesia or Kenya at the time. (It wouldn't hurt to get the long form of Hawaii's birth certificate to make sure of that.)
He has demonstrated a strong commitment to international engagement by suggesting the US simply "take Iraqi and Libyan oil". I, for one, cannot believe we haven't done that sooner. When "W" was President, he tried his best, but it didn't turn out the way he had "planned". The Republicans need Trump to start that ball rolling again and take up where "W" left off. We could simply march in with BP and other drillers and start drilling! This would have the secondary benefit of pacifying the tree hugger types in the US, because it would obviate the need to drill in Alaska.
Trump has also demonstrated that he is willing to call out the Saudis for their unwillingness to give the US all the oil it wants. He said, "There’s so much oil, all over the world, they don’t even know where to dump it." He doesn't buy the idea of declining resources and never mind global warming! This posture will really go down well in the Middle East. They will realize that our President is not some wimp and will line up to see who can give us the most oil at the cheapest possible prices.
He has promised to really put the Chinese in their place too! Starting with sending them out to McDonald's instead of playing host to them at a state dinner, he wants to show them (and the rest of the world) who is boss: nothing like a Big Mac to make THAT sort of statement. Then he will tax them 25%. Boy, won't they be surprised! If they don't choke on the Big Macs, they might have trouble swallowing the sudden tax! Of course, the American consumer will also be delighted to pay 25% more for just about everything including Trump products. And if you think his language was bad when he gave his speech in Las Vegas last week, he promises even worse when negotiating with the Chinese!
Finally, I support him for his obvious intelligence and high moral standards. It's time the Republican Party has someone in a leadership role who can really represent its constituency.
Republican states are among our nation's fattest, and The Donald at 105kg (232 lbs) is someone who can weigh in for their interests. Since Republicans have a higher divorce rate than Democrats, Trump clearly shines as a moral leader with two divorces and three marriages (admittedly Newt Gingrich presents a challenge here with an identical record). Being an ignorant buffoon, of course, can be nothing but a plus when a majority of Republicans across the nation are noted for their belief in creationism and Republican Congressional members do not think humans are responsible for global climate change.
It's for these impeccable reasons that I feel I have to come out and support him now to be a serious candidate for the Republican nomination for President of the United States. I hope all of you will join with me in this endeavor, so that we can see him on TV during the debates with the other Republican candidates. His natural leadership qualities and hairstyle will surely shine through!
Monday, May 2, 2011
The Expressway to Sainthood
I have been reading in the news lately about Pope John Paul II being on the "fast track" to sainthood.
Now THAT is a good "hood" to be in!
But leaving aside the burning questions that I know trouble all of you; namely, why couldn't he make up his mind about his name, and how is it possible that someone preceded him in this uncertainty, I want to address a very serious personal problem.
What will happen to ME after I die?
Usually, dying is something that "just happens"... like your car not starting in the morning.
We die; what a drag.
But imagine what it would mean if you could become a saint!
Being named a saint must bring with it all sorts of benefits in the afterlife. You get to cut to the front of the line at the buffet, for example, or maybe get a better spot by the pool for your lounge chair? You might even get discount coupons for the best restaurants, automatic upgrades from economy class, or other travel deals. And never mind the 72 virgins, right?!
Oh wait... that's that "other" religion.
But anyway, being a saint is definitely cool, and unlike people with unsaintlike names, "James" lends itself well to this position. I mean, there already IS a Saint James, so I could be Saint James the Second, fulfilling two dreams I have: one, becoming a saint, and two, having "the" in my name. Saint James definitely has a ring to it, unlike – say – Saint Ralph or Saint Bubba.
So what do I need to do to become a saint?
First, I need to be dead.
This is not the most attractive condition, but my instincts tell me that there might be some work-around to deal with this problem. In any case, I should take steps to clear the other hurdles first, so that a good case can be made on my behalf, and I too can be on the fast track to sainthood.
I even like the words "fast track". I am so ready for this!
What else do I need?
Apparently I need to demonstrate a "heroic life" in the here and now.
Well! I separate my garbage religiously into the many categories we have here in Seiro Town.
You think it's easy? We have to separate: plastics, styrofoam trays, glass, cans (washed), milk cartons (cut open and expanded), PET bottles, burnable trash, nonburnable stuff, batteries, big items, and compost (drained of liquids).
I think globally but act locally.
I ask you, did you ever see the Pope separating his garbage?
No!
Popes are too busy acting globally, cleaning up after their pedophile priests to dirty their hands with the nitty gritty of local existence.
Think about religious figures, Jesus for example. He seemed like the "separate-his-garbage" type of guy, certainly more than the "wear-fancy-dresses-and-live-in-the-Vatican" sort. So who is more heroic?
I am betting on me.
What else do I need to become a saint? Some miracles (at least two) need to be attributed to me.
That's a snap! As any of my teachers in high school will testify, it was an absolute MIRACLE that I graduated. One of my teachers, a Mr. F, who stamped my test paper with his hand dipped in red ink, will – I am sure – be willing to sign an affidavit to the miraculousness of my graduation.
In addition, there are a number of professors in the colleges (yes, plural) that I went to, who would also be happy to testify that it was indeed a MIRACLE that I graduated from college as well.
So, heroic life?
Check!
Two miracles?
Check!
What else do I need?
I only need a recommendation.
I am counting on all of you out there in readership land to send in the appropriate cards and letters when the time comes.
Saint James II. I like the sound of that. Indeed, since the Vatican is waiving the usual 5-year waiting period after death for Pope John Paul II, maybe we can get them to waive the death requirement too!
So repeat after me, "Santo Subito! Santo Subito! Santo Subito! "
Maybe I can be on the super fast track and get it before I die! If I do, I will remember all of you and bless you so that you too can get some benefits in the afterlife too! We can all get the cushier towels in the spa together!
Now THAT is a good "hood" to be in!
But leaving aside the burning questions that I know trouble all of you; namely, why couldn't he make up his mind about his name, and how is it possible that someone preceded him in this uncertainty, I want to address a very serious personal problem.
What will happen to ME after I die?
Usually, dying is something that "just happens"... like your car not starting in the morning.
We die; what a drag.
But imagine what it would mean if you could become a saint!
Being named a saint must bring with it all sorts of benefits in the afterlife. You get to cut to the front of the line at the buffet, for example, or maybe get a better spot by the pool for your lounge chair? You might even get discount coupons for the best restaurants, automatic upgrades from economy class, or other travel deals. And never mind the 72 virgins, right?!
Oh wait... that's that "other" religion.
But anyway, being a saint is definitely cool, and unlike people with unsaintlike names, "James" lends itself well to this position. I mean, there already IS a Saint James, so I could be Saint James the Second, fulfilling two dreams I have: one, becoming a saint, and two, having "the" in my name. Saint James definitely has a ring to it, unlike – say – Saint Ralph or Saint Bubba.
So what do I need to do to become a saint?
First, I need to be dead.
This is not the most attractive condition, but my instincts tell me that there might be some work-around to deal with this problem. In any case, I should take steps to clear the other hurdles first, so that a good case can be made on my behalf, and I too can be on the fast track to sainthood.
I even like the words "fast track". I am so ready for this!
What else do I need?
Apparently I need to demonstrate a "heroic life" in the here and now.
Well! I separate my garbage religiously into the many categories we have here in Seiro Town.
You think it's easy? We have to separate: plastics, styrofoam trays, glass, cans (washed), milk cartons (cut open and expanded), PET bottles, burnable trash, nonburnable stuff, batteries, big items, and compost (drained of liquids).
I think globally but act locally.
I ask you, did you ever see the Pope separating his garbage?
No!
Popes are too busy acting globally, cleaning up after their pedophile priests to dirty their hands with the nitty gritty of local existence.
Think about religious figures, Jesus for example. He seemed like the "separate-his-garbage" type of guy, certainly more than the "wear-fancy-dresses-and-live-in-the-Vatican" sort. So who is more heroic?
I am betting on me.
What else do I need to become a saint? Some miracles (at least two) need to be attributed to me.
That's a snap! As any of my teachers in high school will testify, it was an absolute MIRACLE that I graduated. One of my teachers, a Mr. F, who stamped my test paper with his hand dipped in red ink, will – I am sure – be willing to sign an affidavit to the miraculousness of my graduation.
In addition, there are a number of professors in the colleges (yes, plural) that I went to, who would also be happy to testify that it was indeed a MIRACLE that I graduated from college as well.
So, heroic life?
Check!
Two miracles?
Check!
What else do I need?
I only need a recommendation.
I am counting on all of you out there in readership land to send in the appropriate cards and letters when the time comes.
Saint James II. I like the sound of that. Indeed, since the Vatican is waiving the usual 5-year waiting period after death for Pope John Paul II, maybe we can get them to waive the death requirement too!
So repeat after me, "Santo Subito! Santo Subito! Santo Subito! "
Maybe I can be on the super fast track and get it before I die! If I do, I will remember all of you and bless you so that you too can get some benefits in the afterlife too! We can all get the cushier towels in the spa together!
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