As if it hasn't been enough that women are thinking that maybe men are not necessary any more; I wrote about this way back in 2011. Now it seems that research in Japan (in Japanese) conducted at Osaka University of Graduate Medical Research shows that husbands can actually make their wives sick.
It's called 夫源病 which translates out to "Husband-Sourced Disease or – to put it into the popular psycho-labeling format – HSD. I checked the DSM-V (THE manual of psychiatric disorders and "issues") and could not find any reference to this problem. Obviously the American Psychiatric Association has not faced patients with symptoms that they can clearly associate with this disorder.
In Japan, on the other hand, it has even made it to the evening news and the media is abuzz with discussion about identifying the problem, its immediate precipitating causes and what steps can be taken to treat it.
Marriage is a two-way street of course and not all wives are vulnerable. It's important to identify what sort of wife is at risk of falling prey to this affliction? By Japanese standards the most susceptible are what the article describes as "a good wife and wise mother". What are the characteristics of such a spouse?
A convenient checklist is provided*.
She is:
1. uncomplaining, persevering
2. methodical with a strong sense of responsibility
3. unlikely to cry or get angry in public
4. not good at expressing her opinion to others, and even if confronted with outrageous comments, finds it difficult to contradict them.
5. strongly identifying with being a "good wife" and a "good mother"
6. worried about what others think
7. troubled deeply by details
If you are not this type of wife, you probably have very little to worry about.
What symptoms might a patient experience? (in order of most common)
1. dizziness or vertigo
2. headaches
3. a ringing in the ears
4. hot flashes
5. stiff shoulders
6. body aches and pains
7. palpitations
8. shortness of breath or labored breathing
9. sleeplessness
10. washed out feeling
The article says that while these symptoms are typical of menopause which normally occurs in women in the ages between 40 and 50, the HSD symptoms appear in a range wider even than 20 to 60.
And what kind of men are responsible for causing these awful symptoms in their wives, even at the early age of 20?
I am afraid to look, but here goes.
These men, these PIGS:
1. are nice around other people but crabby at home
2. check up on their wives' every move and appointment
3. always talk down to their wives
4. have no friends or interests outside of work
5. never help with housework but talk about it a lot
6. hate to go out alone with their wives
7. brag about how they are supporting their wives and children
8. think highly of how they help around the house and with the children
9. never say "thank you" or "I'm sorry"
10. have a personality change behind the wheel of their car
The results?
If your husband manifests four of these traits or less, you are OK and probably not going to get HSD. If, however, he shows 5 to 7 of them, HSD could be waiting in the wings. 8 or more and you probably will get HSD.
What steps can you as an HSD sufferer take to relieve these symptoms? (Don't wait too long and exhibit psychopathic symptoms that you cannot control.)
1. Have a good cry. See a movie or a TV drama or listen to evocative music and just "let it all out". You will feel cleansed afterwards.
2. Shout. Go to a karaoke box or other private place and just scream and shout.
(crying and shouting moves your diaphragm which is very good for your autonomic nervous system)
3. Get some exercise. Hit a boxing sandbag or strike at a ball. The aggressive, hitting nature of the activity is effective.
4. Keep some secrets. Buy something expensive or have a lavish dinner, but don't tell your husband about it. Doing something "naughty" is important.
5. Have a little fight with your spouse. Try to get your thick-headed spouse to understand you.
6. Pretend to run away from home (last resort). Don't make any advance preparations, but just up and leave. This will make your husband appreciate you more.
As I review the checklist of spousal qualities that will precipitate this disability in wives, I guess that maybe I don't fit most of them. Of course, "thick headed" husbands everywhere probably do not feel that they fit the list. Maybe you wives should leave this article lying around with the list ticked off, so that we men can find it and recognize our failings better.
But then, that will only make us crabbier: a vicious cycle. No wonder the divorce rate in Japan is going up and women don't want to get married.
- - - - - - - - - -
* All of these points are simply a translation of the article about this research. I am most assuredly not making anything up.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Orthodox in a Bag
Religion can be pretty weird.
Think about Jim Jones and his Kool-Aid followers (I was tempted to make it sound like a band name, but they were too creepy to use it that way). But let's face it; people believe religious stuff, and it takes them to unusual places.
Look what happened to the Branch Davidians at Waco (and why are they "Branch" and not mainline?).
And who even wants to think about Mormons: Mitt Romney (shudder), I rest my case.
But if – in the interest of discussion – you were to think of religious practices that indicate "special" behaviors, what do you think would be at the top of the list?
How about putting yourself into a big plastic bag on an airplane?
If I can stop laughing, I will finish this... I swear it.
OK...
So here is the situation.
A guy is in a bag on an airplane (Yes... once again, it is a guy. Sometimes I feel SO embarrassed!). He is said to be an orthodox Jew.
He has put himself into a large plastic bag; this was not something done to him.
Why?
If you have already read about this, then you know, but if not, why do you think he is in the bag?
Here are the multiple choice options.
a) Orthodox Jews of his position are not allowed to be so close to women, so to protect him from their "cooties" he has put himself into a big baggie.
b) Orthodox Jews of his position are not allowed to fly over cemeteries as it makes them "impure", so to protect himself from the emissions of the cemeteries below, he has put himself into a big baggie.
c) Orthodox Jews of his position are actually not allowed to fly (like the Amish) but if they insulate themselves from the plane by putting themselves into a big baggie, they can fly.
d) He thought he could check himself as the bag of the guy sitting next to him, but the airline said he was "carry on".
e) This man is not an orthodox Jew of any special position but rather a nut. The airline people had him removed from the plane.
If you guessed (b), you win!
Apparently, he is a Kohen (resulting in English names like Cohen, Cahn, Conway, etc.) and as such they are forbidden to come into contact with the dead, even at 10,000 meters.
He is flying in an aluminum airplane, but that is not enough protection from the cemeteries below. You know how that cemetery radiation can be: 10,000 meters of air and a thick aluminum airplane fuselage are like vapor, but come up against a big Hefty bag? FULL STOP!
He also wears a yarmulke (rather than a tinfoil helmet), but that is not enough.
Clearly he needs to enclose himself in a big baggie.
Duh?
Sealing himself into the large Hefty bag renders him immune to any bad vibrations from cemeteries below.
Do you understand this?
Neither do I.
An alternative explanation is that being in a "hermetically sealed bag" on several flights, might have caused him to suffer from serious oxygen deprivation, rendering him "a nut" as in choice (e) above. So if you chose (e), you get the consolation prize!
Interestingly, these "priests" can defile themselves in many ways (such as marrying a prostitute), but if they later divorce the prostitute or stop their "bad-boy ways" they can be restored automatically to their special status as orthodox priests. How cool is that! Even Christians can't get away with stuff like that so easily.
I try to imagine his thinking, "Here I am, an important priest in my religion who is forbidden to be anywhere near a cemetery. I might fly over such a cemetery during this flight from Tel Aviv to Eilat where I need to go for my vacation (wink wink... thinking serious "bad boy" here!). So I have put myself into this big plastic bag to protect me from the emissions of ANY cemetery below. And NO, I don't want the in-flight meal, and DO NOT offend me with the inflight movie."
And here we thought only Christians and Muslims produced nutters.
Orthodox Jew nutter to go, anyone?
Think about Jim Jones and his Kool-Aid followers (I was tempted to make it sound like a band name, but they were too creepy to use it that way). But let's face it; people believe religious stuff, and it takes them to unusual places.
Look what happened to the Branch Davidians at Waco (and why are they "Branch" and not mainline?).
And who even wants to think about Mormons: Mitt Romney (shudder), I rest my case.
But if – in the interest of discussion – you were to think of religious practices that indicate "special" behaviors, what do you think would be at the top of the list?
How about putting yourself into a big plastic bag on an airplane?
If I can stop laughing, I will finish this... I swear it.
OK...
So here is the situation.
A guy is in a bag on an airplane (Yes... once again, it is a guy. Sometimes I feel SO embarrassed!). He is said to be an orthodox Jew.
He has put himself into a large plastic bag; this was not something done to him.
Why?
If you have already read about this, then you know, but if not, why do you think he is in the bag?
Here are the multiple choice options.
a) Orthodox Jews of his position are not allowed to be so close to women, so to protect him from their "cooties" he has put himself into a big baggie.
b) Orthodox Jews of his position are not allowed to fly over cemeteries as it makes them "impure", so to protect himself from the emissions of the cemeteries below, he has put himself into a big baggie.
c) Orthodox Jews of his position are actually not allowed to fly (like the Amish) but if they insulate themselves from the plane by putting themselves into a big baggie, they can fly.
d) He thought he could check himself as the bag of the guy sitting next to him, but the airline said he was "carry on".
e) This man is not an orthodox Jew of any special position but rather a nut. The airline people had him removed from the plane.
If you guessed (b), you win!
Apparently, he is a Kohen (resulting in English names like Cohen, Cahn, Conway, etc.) and as such they are forbidden to come into contact with the dead, even at 10,000 meters.
He is flying in an aluminum airplane, but that is not enough protection from the cemeteries below. You know how that cemetery radiation can be: 10,000 meters of air and a thick aluminum airplane fuselage are like vapor, but come up against a big Hefty bag? FULL STOP!
He also wears a yarmulke (rather than a tinfoil helmet), but that is not enough.
Clearly he needs to enclose himself in a big baggie.
Duh?
Sealing himself into the large Hefty bag renders him immune to any bad vibrations from cemeteries below.
Do you understand this?
Neither do I.
An alternative explanation is that being in a "hermetically sealed bag" on several flights, might have caused him to suffer from serious oxygen deprivation, rendering him "a nut" as in choice (e) above. So if you chose (e), you get the consolation prize!
Interestingly, these "priests" can defile themselves in many ways (such as marrying a prostitute), but if they later divorce the prostitute or stop their "bad-boy ways" they can be restored automatically to their special status as orthodox priests. How cool is that! Even Christians can't get away with stuff like that so easily.
I try to imagine his thinking, "Here I am, an important priest in my religion who is forbidden to be anywhere near a cemetery. I might fly over such a cemetery during this flight from Tel Aviv to Eilat where I need to go for my vacation (wink wink... thinking serious "bad boy" here!). So I have put myself into this big plastic bag to protect me from the emissions of ANY cemetery below. And NO, I don't want the in-flight meal, and DO NOT offend me with the inflight movie."
And here we thought only Christians and Muslims produced nutters.
Orthodox Jew nutter to go, anyone?
Monday, April 15, 2013
English in Japan by the Year 2313!
I have written about English education here before, introducing my new and innovative techniques based on long, professional experience.
Of course, many of you know that English has been a compulsory subject for Japanese pupils from junior through senior high school since the War. Students often continue their English training in college, and starting in 2011, English has even been required in the higher grades of elementary school. Many people also have also attended language schools to learn the language, and this remains a major industry in Japan. Despite these valiant efforts, however, actual English usage remains undeveloped in the general population. In TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language used for admission to US universities), Japan ranked 135th out of 163 countries. Cambodia, Lao, Tajikistan and other less developed countries anchor the bottom of the rankings, but Japan is trying hard to crowd them out. In fact even though Japanese take the TOEIC (Test of English for International Communication) almost three times as often as the rest of the world combined, their scores are solidly in the cellar. Gold medal Japan!
Since all of us know Japanese who speak English really well, the problem is clearly not a genetic one.
Education is the issue.
One can paraphrase Winston Churchill here and say, "Never has so much been done by so many for so little."
Important change is afoot, however!
On TV these days we can see an ad for an English language school which starts out with the main character sitting in a sidewalk café, talking in English to his dog. The dog looks up at him expectantly. He bends over and says pithy lines to the dog.
"Your master is feeling down. It was a problem with the boss at work. It hurts, because there is a lot of trust involved. Your master might even resign. But, it's important to believe in yourself. The future depends on what we do now. You believe in your master, right?"
The dog barks once, reassuring his master that he does indeed believe in him. The man turns to a woman who has been sitting there all the while and says, "I believe in you too." She replies, "Thank you, Yusuke. Thank you." and smiles gratefully, perhaps delighted that he was able to master an inter-human action in English at last, or that he might call her a cab so she can escape a date gone badly wrong.
Clearly this school has developed a new language teaching technique, employing animals in the intermediate stages of training. Despite the somewhat off-the-wall aspect of his words, and the fact that he is sharing them with a dog, the man's English actually comes off OK. Clearly if you can learn to talk to your dog in lengthy and fluent sentences, talking to a human – if even only briefly – becomes that much easier.
She did say "thank you" after all!
It's a technique that might hold some promise in the compulsory levels of English education in Japan. It's a well-known fact that many elementary school teachers resent the burden of having to teach English to their charges, since most of them did not themselves specialize in English. How much easier it would be to bring some docile animals to class – small dogs or even lazy cats – and let the children practice on them! A recording by a native speaker could provide the model which the children would then repeat in unison to the animals. It would provide a non-judgemental and non-threatening environment in which the kids could learn practical, everyday English without pressure.
Recording: Your master is feeling down.
Pupils (to the animals): Your master is feeling down.
Recording: It was a problem with the teacher at school.
Pupils: It was a problem with the teacher at school.
Recording: Your master might even have to report him to the authorities.
Pupils: Your master might even have to report him to the authorities.
And so on. Then like the man in the commercial, they could apply simple substitution-drill-type adjustments to transfer these skills to the real world of talking to humans.
Pupil (to strange foreigner on the street): I might even have to report you to the authorities.
Foreigner: Cosa? Non parlo inglese.
Advancements are being made not only in using animals to help out with the language-learning paralysis of Japanese education, but "speed learning" is also being promoted on TV as the way to get that much longed-for, casual English, language skill. A young golfer appears in the commercials talking about how great speed learning has been for his English skills. At the end of the commercial they show him – deer-in-the-headlights – talking with an actual foreigner and saying "yes" several times in a dramatic demonstration of how he has improved.
In another episode, an elderly lady describes how she has gotten a lot better at English through this method, and she too, shows off her linguistic abilities by telling a small group of foreigners that "something... something... (not clear) was founded during the Edo Period." The foreigners nod approvingly much in the same way the dog barked in the other commercial. You can order the complete set of 48 speed learning materials for only a little more than ¥160,000 (about $1600). They list 2 sets as a one-month lesson, so the whole package should keep you busy for 2 years if you are diligent. Speedy speedy!
But, English has come a long way since the old days when ruthless audio-lingual drills and touchy feelie Total Physical Response activities failed to bring practical English skills to the Japanese public at large. Now they can fail in a modern way with animals or through the miracle of speed learning! Maybe the animals can take the speed learning classes and become kind of "hearing-ear" critters to help handicapped Japanese negotiate the world of English?
Which reminds me of another joke (sorry about this).
The Japanese professor is giving a presentation at an international conference, diligently reading the lecture notes he has written in English.
An American in the audience turns to one of his colleagues and says, "What really amazes me is how much Japanese actually sounds like English at times!"
Of course, many of you know that English has been a compulsory subject for Japanese pupils from junior through senior high school since the War. Students often continue their English training in college, and starting in 2011, English has even been required in the higher grades of elementary school. Many people also have also attended language schools to learn the language, and this remains a major industry in Japan. Despite these valiant efforts, however, actual English usage remains undeveloped in the general population. In TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language used for admission to US universities), Japan ranked 135th out of 163 countries. Cambodia, Lao, Tajikistan and other less developed countries anchor the bottom of the rankings, but Japan is trying hard to crowd them out. In fact even though Japanese take the TOEIC (Test of English for International Communication) almost three times as often as the rest of the world combined, their scores are solidly in the cellar. Gold medal Japan!
Since all of us know Japanese who speak English really well, the problem is clearly not a genetic one.
Education is the issue.
One can paraphrase Winston Churchill here and say, "Never has so much been done by so many for so little."
Important change is afoot, however!
On TV these days we can see an ad for an English language school which starts out with the main character sitting in a sidewalk café, talking in English to his dog. The dog looks up at him expectantly. He bends over and says pithy lines to the dog.
"Your master is feeling down. It was a problem with the boss at work. It hurts, because there is a lot of trust involved. Your master might even resign. But, it's important to believe in yourself. The future depends on what we do now. You believe in your master, right?"
The dog barks once, reassuring his master that he does indeed believe in him. The man turns to a woman who has been sitting there all the while and says, "I believe in you too." She replies, "Thank you, Yusuke. Thank you." and smiles gratefully, perhaps delighted that he was able to master an inter-human action in English at last, or that he might call her a cab so she can escape a date gone badly wrong.
Clearly this school has developed a new language teaching technique, employing animals in the intermediate stages of training. Despite the somewhat off-the-wall aspect of his words, and the fact that he is sharing them with a dog, the man's English actually comes off OK. Clearly if you can learn to talk to your dog in lengthy and fluent sentences, talking to a human – if even only briefly – becomes that much easier.
She did say "thank you" after all!
It's a technique that might hold some promise in the compulsory levels of English education in Japan. It's a well-known fact that many elementary school teachers resent the burden of having to teach English to their charges, since most of them did not themselves specialize in English. How much easier it would be to bring some docile animals to class – small dogs or even lazy cats – and let the children practice on them! A recording by a native speaker could provide the model which the children would then repeat in unison to the animals. It would provide a non-judgemental and non-threatening environment in which the kids could learn practical, everyday English without pressure.
Recording: Your master is feeling down.
Pupils (to the animals): Your master is feeling down.
Recording: It was a problem with the teacher at school.
Pupils: It was a problem with the teacher at school.
Recording: Your master might even have to report him to the authorities.
Pupils: Your master might even have to report him to the authorities.
And so on. Then like the man in the commercial, they could apply simple substitution-drill-type adjustments to transfer these skills to the real world of talking to humans.
Pupil (to strange foreigner on the street): I might even have to report you to the authorities.
Foreigner: Cosa? Non parlo inglese.
Advancements are being made not only in using animals to help out with the language-learning paralysis of Japanese education, but "speed learning" is also being promoted on TV as the way to get that much longed-for, casual English, language skill. A young golfer appears in the commercials talking about how great speed learning has been for his English skills. At the end of the commercial they show him – deer-in-the-headlights – talking with an actual foreigner and saying "yes" several times in a dramatic demonstration of how he has improved.
In another episode, an elderly lady describes how she has gotten a lot better at English through this method, and she too, shows off her linguistic abilities by telling a small group of foreigners that "something... something... (not clear) was founded during the Edo Period." The foreigners nod approvingly much in the same way the dog barked in the other commercial. You can order the complete set of 48 speed learning materials for only a little more than ¥160,000 (about $1600). They list 2 sets as a one-month lesson, so the whole package should keep you busy for 2 years if you are diligent. Speedy speedy!
But, English has come a long way since the old days when ruthless audio-lingual drills and touchy feelie Total Physical Response activities failed to bring practical English skills to the Japanese public at large. Now they can fail in a modern way with animals or through the miracle of speed learning! Maybe the animals can take the speed learning classes and become kind of "hearing-ear" critters to help handicapped Japanese negotiate the world of English?
Which reminds me of another joke (sorry about this).
The Japanese professor is giving a presentation at an international conference, diligently reading the lecture notes he has written in English.
An American in the audience turns to one of his colleagues and says, "What really amazes me is how much Japanese actually sounds like English at times!"
Monday, April 8, 2013
72 – count 'em – Virgins or Raisins
I have written here before, making fun of Christian fundamentalists and their silly beliefs in creationism and intelligent design. Indeed just last week, I mentioned some techniques to keep the fundies from your door. Many people might think that I have it in for Christians, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I am an equal opportunity offender.
The doctrines of any religion reveal a lot about its inner sexual psychology. The celibacy and exclusion of women in the Catholic Church's priesthood cannot help but attract a "certain kind" of man. We have seen a lot of what those "certain kinds" of men have been doing in their positions of late.
The doctrine of fundamentalist Islam also reveals a lot about believers' psychology. Haven't you ever wondered about the 72 virgins that jihadist martyrs are supposed to get when they ascend to heaven (actually it is any male believer)?
There are so many unanswered questions!
Where do these virgins come from?
What do they look like?
Why is it so important that they be virgin; wouldn't a more experienced... um... heavenly hostess have an enhanced appeal?
In the interest of edification, I have done some research into this topic and can present to you the definitive answer to these questions.
All of the answers come directly from Qur'anic or related sources.
First of all, I am sure you are curious about what these virgins look like!
Since women in many Muslim countries are required to cover themselves to the point that they look indistinguishable from moving yard-waste bags, one cannot help but wonder what imaginations Muslim men must have about paradise (yes, it is all men).
The virgins will have "wide and lovely eyes like pearls". Of course, most pearls I have seen don't make such great looking eyes, but – hey – whatever floats your boat, right?
Not only that, the virgins will be "hairless except the eye brows and the head". This makes me wonder if waxing is popular in Muslim countries! If not, there's a good business opportunity for you there.
The virgins will be "voluptuous" with "large, round breasts which are not inclined to hang". (see picture from Islamic website). The virgins will be "beautiful" (of course), "white skinned" (starting to see a prejudice here...), "eternally young", and – somewhat mysteriously – "companions of equal age". Equal age to whom? The dead guy? What if he was 90?*
But wait, there's more!
The virgins will be "transparent to the marrow of their bones". This may mean that all you could see is the marrow of their bones, or that you cannot see the virgins at all; neither of which ties in well with "beautiful".
They will also be quite large (no, I am not making this up). They will stand 27.5 meters tall (60 cubits) and will be 3.2 meters (7 cubits) in width. This is getting into nightmare territory for me, but we should respect their religious beliefs, right?
What about their all-important sexual attributes?
Well, obviously they are virgins, but not only that, they remain virgins even AFTER sex with the guy that gets them! Yes, their hymens are "unbroken by sexual intercourse", kind of like a self-sealing fuel tank on a fighter jet.
Born again virgins! How cool is that?
Clearly the unbroken hymen is the definition of "virgin" in the Muslim world. If a woman has sex repeatedly but still manages to preserve the hymen, no problem! Do they then "service" the next group of ascending men? Maybe there are ONLY 72 "virgins"!
The virgins will also have "appetizing vaginas" (no, I am really not making this up). Yum yum!
But – hey – it cannot be all about sex; get real! No, these virgins have personalities! We cannot just think of them as sex objects; where HAVE you been?
What about their personalities? The Qur'an reveals that despite their lusty appearance and eagerness for sex, they are "chaste" and "restrain their glances" and when they do look at you, they have a "modest gaze".
They also are "pure". I am not sure what "pure" means when describing a virgin who has repeated sex with someone, but who am I to judge, right?
The virgins also do not menstruate (maybe they are guys?). They do not pee, nor do they poop (this could lead to serious health problems later on). AND they will never bear a child (sounds like a guy to me).
Finally, the virgins are never dissatisfied. So no matter how inadequate you may feel here in this life – you pathetic weeny with major sexual insecurities, you – the virgins will fluff you up to feel better about yourself!
My feeling is that instead of the drones dropping bombs on the benighted Taliban in Pakistan and Afghanistan, they should drop information about the virgins.
"DO YOU WANT THIS?!" with a picture of a huge, transparent being with only bone marrow showing. It would cut the jihad off at the knees.
Of course there is the alternative translation to all of the above which is that the dead male would get 72 white raisins upon his ascent into heaven (no, I am not making that up either). Somehow, the white raisins seem less inspiring for a soldier of Islam. I mean, on the one hand – virgins (even kind of creepy, HUGE ones), and on the other – raisins. Which would YOU die for?
This all reminds me of a joke I heard which you also probably know.
The jihadist is killed in combat and ascends expectantly to heaven. He enters the pearly gates (or whatever they are in Islamic mythology) and is immediately confronted by George Washington who kicks him in the teeth, knocking him to the ground. His face bloodied, he looks up in bewilderment only to see Thomas Jefferson coming up from behind. Jefferson kicks him in the nuts. Then Robert E. Lee appears, and he stomps the fallen jihadist in the stomach several times. The jihadist is perplexed and cries out in anguish, "Why?"
To which Washington replies, "It was Virginians, you fool, not virgins! Hey, Ella (Fitzgerald), do you want to have go at him too?"
- - - - - - - - - -
* I looked this up separately, and apparently it means that the virgins will all be of an age. Sorry about the distraction.
I am an equal opportunity offender.
The doctrines of any religion reveal a lot about its inner sexual psychology. The celibacy and exclusion of women in the Catholic Church's priesthood cannot help but attract a "certain kind" of man. We have seen a lot of what those "certain kinds" of men have been doing in their positions of late.
The doctrine of fundamentalist Islam also reveals a lot about believers' psychology. Haven't you ever wondered about the 72 virgins that jihadist martyrs are supposed to get when they ascend to heaven (actually it is any male believer)?
There are so many unanswered questions!
Where do these virgins come from?
What do they look like?
Why is it so important that they be virgin; wouldn't a more experienced... um... heavenly hostess have an enhanced appeal?
In the interest of edification, I have done some research into this topic and can present to you the definitive answer to these questions.
All of the answers come directly from Qur'anic or related sources.
First of all, I am sure you are curious about what these virgins look like!
Since women in many Muslim countries are required to cover themselves to the point that they look indistinguishable from moving yard-waste bags, one cannot help but wonder what imaginations Muslim men must have about paradise (yes, it is all men).
The virgins will have "wide and lovely eyes like pearls". Of course, most pearls I have seen don't make such great looking eyes, but – hey – whatever floats your boat, right?
Not only that, the virgins will be "hairless except the eye brows and the head". This makes me wonder if waxing is popular in Muslim countries! If not, there's a good business opportunity for you there.
The virgins will be "voluptuous" with "large, round breasts which are not inclined to hang". (see picture from Islamic website). The virgins will be "beautiful" (of course), "white skinned" (starting to see a prejudice here...), "eternally young", and – somewhat mysteriously – "companions of equal age". Equal age to whom? The dead guy? What if he was 90?*
But wait, there's more!
The virgins will be "transparent to the marrow of their bones". This may mean that all you could see is the marrow of their bones, or that you cannot see the virgins at all; neither of which ties in well with "beautiful".
They will also be quite large (no, I am not making this up). They will stand 27.5 meters tall (60 cubits) and will be 3.2 meters (7 cubits) in width. This is getting into nightmare territory for me, but we should respect their religious beliefs, right?
What about their all-important sexual attributes?
Well, obviously they are virgins, but not only that, they remain virgins even AFTER sex with the guy that gets them! Yes, their hymens are "unbroken by sexual intercourse", kind of like a self-sealing fuel tank on a fighter jet.
Born again virgins! How cool is that?
Clearly the unbroken hymen is the definition of "virgin" in the Muslim world. If a woman has sex repeatedly but still manages to preserve the hymen, no problem! Do they then "service" the next group of ascending men? Maybe there are ONLY 72 "virgins"!
The virgins will also have "appetizing vaginas" (no, I am really not making this up). Yum yum!
But – hey – it cannot be all about sex; get real! No, these virgins have personalities! We cannot just think of them as sex objects; where HAVE you been?
What about their personalities? The Qur'an reveals that despite their lusty appearance and eagerness for sex, they are "chaste" and "restrain their glances" and when they do look at you, they have a "modest gaze".
They also are "pure". I am not sure what "pure" means when describing a virgin who has repeated sex with someone, but who am I to judge, right?
The virgins also do not menstruate (maybe they are guys?). They do not pee, nor do they poop (this could lead to serious health problems later on). AND they will never bear a child (sounds like a guy to me).
Finally, the virgins are never dissatisfied. So no matter how inadequate you may feel here in this life – you pathetic weeny with major sexual insecurities, you – the virgins will fluff you up to feel better about yourself!
My feeling is that instead of the drones dropping bombs on the benighted Taliban in Pakistan and Afghanistan, they should drop information about the virgins.
"DO YOU WANT THIS?!" with a picture of a huge, transparent being with only bone marrow showing. It would cut the jihad off at the knees.
Of course there is the alternative translation to all of the above which is that the dead male would get 72 white raisins upon his ascent into heaven (no, I am not making that up either). Somehow, the white raisins seem less inspiring for a soldier of Islam. I mean, on the one hand – virgins (even kind of creepy, HUGE ones), and on the other – raisins. Which would YOU die for?
This all reminds me of a joke I heard which you also probably know.
The jihadist is killed in combat and ascends expectantly to heaven. He enters the pearly gates (or whatever they are in Islamic mythology) and is immediately confronted by George Washington who kicks him in the teeth, knocking him to the ground. His face bloodied, he looks up in bewilderment only to see Thomas Jefferson coming up from behind. Jefferson kicks him in the nuts. Then Robert E. Lee appears, and he stomps the fallen jihadist in the stomach several times. The jihadist is perplexed and cries out in anguish, "Why?"
To which Washington replies, "It was Virginians, you fool, not virgins! Hey, Ella (Fitzgerald), do you want to have go at him too?"
- - - - - - - - - -
* I looked this up separately, and apparently it means that the virgins will all be of an age. Sorry about the distraction.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Cult Control
Most of us have had this experience. Your doorbell rings and you open your door to find a small clutch of people, looking earnestly at you. They ask you if you read the Bible or if you would like to pray with them. Yes, I am talking about the religious cults whose members go door-to-door, trying their best to benight others into their own narrow minded beliefs. Some came around here just yesterday.
What to do?
Of course, the easiest thing to do is simply to say, "Go bugger off!" and slam the door in their faces. This is the "classic approach". It would be better if you didn't have to actually say anything, but simply have a can of spray "Cult-B-Gon" that you could dispense in their direction, sending them fleeing into the street.
The downside to these straightforward techniques, however, is the bad taste of dissatisfaction it leaves in your mouth. Rejection only makes the cult people stronger as they probably believe they get brownie points in heaven for "suffering" in the name of their religion.
Much better would be to have them leave of their own accord.
One solution was offered by a former English teacher in this area. His idea was to prepare a white lab coat and a large pair of calipers near your front door. When the cult members would come, you would don the lab coat and invite them in. Once inside, you would ask them to remain very still before they could begin their spiel about their religion. Using the calipers, you would measure each of their heads from side to side, concluding with singling out one of them, "You can stay, the rest of you must go." The teacher figured they would all leave on their own, not gaining any brownie points for their "suffering".
Another solution that didn't require any advance preparation was once again to invite them in. When they begin their presentation, you interrupt them and ask, "Does your god glow in the dark?" Undoubtedly they would be perplexed by your question, but answer in the negative. With a snort, you further query, "Well, surely your god's eggs glow in the dark then, don't they?" Assuming you have some sort of mental illness, they would probably leave on their own accord, once again, gaining no brownie points for their efforts.
The third technique is to preempt them in their presentation. After inviting them in, you ask for them to quickly join hands with you in prayer. You pray loudly to some god that is unfamiliar to anyone – say, Zorbac – calling on his (or her) blessing for the poor misguided folk who have been brought to your doorstep by providence and his (or her) divine intervention. The visitors will become very uncomfortable and leave on their own account when they discover how committed you are to your beliefs and how unwilling to let them get a word in edgewise.
I am sure there are other equally fun ways to deal with the pesky religious cultists. If you have any ideas, please let me know!
What to do?
Of course, the easiest thing to do is simply to say, "Go bugger off!" and slam the door in their faces. This is the "classic approach". It would be better if you didn't have to actually say anything, but simply have a can of spray "Cult-B-Gon" that you could dispense in their direction, sending them fleeing into the street.
The downside to these straightforward techniques, however, is the bad taste of dissatisfaction it leaves in your mouth. Rejection only makes the cult people stronger as they probably believe they get brownie points in heaven for "suffering" in the name of their religion.
Much better would be to have them leave of their own accord.
One solution was offered by a former English teacher in this area. His idea was to prepare a white lab coat and a large pair of calipers near your front door. When the cult members would come, you would don the lab coat and invite them in. Once inside, you would ask them to remain very still before they could begin their spiel about their religion. Using the calipers, you would measure each of their heads from side to side, concluding with singling out one of them, "You can stay, the rest of you must go." The teacher figured they would all leave on their own, not gaining any brownie points for their "suffering".
Another solution that didn't require any advance preparation was once again to invite them in. When they begin their presentation, you interrupt them and ask, "Does your god glow in the dark?" Undoubtedly they would be perplexed by your question, but answer in the negative. With a snort, you further query, "Well, surely your god's eggs glow in the dark then, don't they?" Assuming you have some sort of mental illness, they would probably leave on their own accord, once again, gaining no brownie points for their efforts.
The third technique is to preempt them in their presentation. After inviting them in, you ask for them to quickly join hands with you in prayer. You pray loudly to some god that is unfamiliar to anyone – say, Zorbac – calling on his (or her) blessing for the poor misguided folk who have been brought to your doorstep by providence and his (or her) divine intervention. The visitors will become very uncomfortable and leave on their own account when they discover how committed you are to your beliefs and how unwilling to let them get a word in edgewise.
I am sure there are other equally fun ways to deal with the pesky religious cultists. If you have any ideas, please let me know!
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