Self-Help for the Hopeless

In surfing around the Internet, you frequently stumble upon self-help columns: how to lose those extra pounds, are you getting enough vitamin D, or did you forget your car keys in the refrigerator again?
Some go even farther, offering complete life guidelines to help desperate people fix up their lives and get back on the track to wherever it is they are going.
I saw a sign for a Vibrational Psychology office recently and looked it up, only to find that it is a real thing! I mean it IS on the Internet, so it must be real and scientific and all, right? It starts by describing us, "As vibrational beings...." I had no idea! There are a lot of words on their home page, and since I am word-challenged, I only read some of them, but it seems like the gist of it is that we vibrate a lot at some quantum physics level and that if we can only "tune-up" those vibrations (with the help of the vibrational psychologist of course – $90~120/hour), we can become better people.
Since I cannot afford even one session at that rate, and also feel that my vibes are probably not that out of sync, I checked out another site that offers free advice on how to spruce up your life and live a better you! Now, this is spiritual advice, mind you, not Dear Abby-sort of advice. The adviser's name is Deepak Chopra which – to me at least – sounds profoundly spiritual by itself. If you say it repeatedly in a slow, deep voice, it becomes a kind of mantra which probably could reduce your blood pressure or at least improve your pronunciation.
What is Deepak's advice?
1. Be passionate about your life and the experiences you fill it with.
This sounds really good if your life is going well, but what if you are filling your life with armed robberies or listless dope smoking?
In that case you need to go to...
2. Remain open to as much input as possible.
I can see this. When the driver behind me is tailgating and honking his horn, I should be open to his input and maybe... what?... slam on the brakes?
3. Don't shut down the feedback loop with judgment, rigid beliefs, and prejudices.
Right. What I understand this fancy expression to mean is, if you have judgmentally rigid beliefs and prejudices, stop them.
4. Don't censor incoming data through denial.
This is like #2 above. If you remain open, you also must not deny the incoming data. It will definitely upset your vibrations and then you will need to pay money to see the vibrational psychologist.
5. Examine other points of view as if they were your own.
I do this all the time. I look at – say – the Republican Party's ideas as if they were my own, and then when I switch back, I wonder how in the world I could have taken such serious leave of my senses. Was I out of my mind?!
6. Take possession of everything in your life. Be self-sufficient.
I have started farming and drilling for oil on my land already! And those of you who have borrowed tools and stuff from me? Give them back right away! I am keeping the ones in my possession though. Sorry.
7. Work on psychological blocks like shame and guilt – they falsely color your reality.
Really! Ain't it the TRUTH! In fact, my reality is actually colored a pastel green, but all my shames and guilts have turned it into a really disgusting orange color. I need to "work on it". What do you want to bet I need to PAY someone to find out how to "work on it"?
8. Free yourself emotionally – to be emotionally resilient is the best defense against growing rigid.
Some basic stretching exercises help too. Like touching your toes without bending your knees and such. You CAN see your toes, right? Oh... "emotionally resilient". It's the same, but you do the bending over and touching your toes emotionally.
9. Harbor no secrets – they create dark places in the psyche.
This is part of the Dark Matter that astronomers are talking about these days. Every secret you harbor, becomes part of the Dark Matter of the universe, contributing to the separation of the galaxies, the development of black holes, and the eventual victory of the Evil Empire.
10. Be willing to redefine yourself every day.
Mitt Romney has this down pat! But for the rest of us, I am not so sure it's a good idea. Yesterday I was a really nice guy, loving and caring, hard working and socially responsible, so TODAY.... MWAHAHAHAHA!! No more Mr. Nice Guy!
11. Don't regret the past or fear the future. Both bring misery through self-doubt.
He should have stopped at 10.

I hope this examination of helping yourself has been as meaningful for you as it has for me. After all, God helps those who help themselves. I would like to help myself too, but I have run out of fried chicken for the time being.

Let's Get It On... er... With God?

I am sure you have seen the ads for FINDING YOUR CHRISTIAN SOUL MATE ON THE INTERNET! I saw one just today. A young couple – both of whom who could cut back on going to church (if you get my drift) – were going on and on about finding each other.
I apologize for shouting above, but this is big news. There actually is a website where you can do "Christian dating". Their slogan? "Find God's choice for you!"
No more Craigslist, no more personal ads on datehookup, you don't need to post your personal ad on the cork board in the supermarket or put an ad in your local free paper anymore.
No, it's wide open now. You can make requests!
You can find a person who has the same religious orientation as you. What could be more cool?

Are you a loser without friends because you cling to Jesus and creationism? Do your colleagues at work make fun of you because you think the world is only 6000 years old? Are you really fat from spending too much time in a pew?

DO NOT WORRY!

God has chosen someone out there for you! Log on to christianmingle dot com and find the love of your life. Hopefully you won't get two or three possibilities, because then you will have to go through the awful spectacle that the Republican Presidential candidates did even though they were all chosen by God.

So... I wondered... is there an "islammingle.com".?
No, dating site, but if you want to get married, you can find your future spouse here!
Don't expect too much from the photo gallery of women, however. Pick your spouse from among the burqa covered figures.

Muslim Man: I can't tell what you look like; are you hot?
Muslim Woman: Are you kidding me? I am suffocating in here... of COURSE I am hot....

How about Hindus and "hindumingle.com"?
Yes! Wouldn't you just KNOW it? There is a site: for Hindu believers.

Woman: We have so many gods to pay our allegiance to ... but we also invented the kama sutra and tantra sex. OMG... we can really get it on, can't we? Please call (206)359-xxxx or email me at kamasutra-maybe@gmail.com. Don't be from Delhi, I really hate guys from Delhi.

So... how about Buddhists? We don't automatically think of them as being heavy into dating, but let's have a look.
Yep! There is a site: buddha dating. It looks a little "home made" to me, so if you are a Buddhist single, you might want to exercise some caution when signing on to this site. A lot of the other people there might not actually be Buddhists. They might be – like – something else... perverts, for example. Just saying.
Mitt Romney was just nominated as the Republican party's candidate for President of the United States. Why they wanted to do that, I have no clue, BUT... Romney is a Mormon.
What if YOU are a Mormon, is there a site out there for you to find your one true love?
Let's have a look.
Oh yes... there most definitely IS! All you Mormons are in LUCK, seriously. They don't call themselves Mormons but rather Latter Day Saints... LDS... sounds like a learning disability, but what do *I know?
Obviously, on their site there are none of the "exotic" Craigslist choices. You have "Plain Vanilla A and Plain Vanilla B", period. You do not get the choice of saying "Man for Man" or "Woman for Woman" or "Human for Goat" or "Do you walk upright?" etc. Nope, those Latter Day Saints toe a line. Thank some god that they are Latter Day and not Future Day. We could all be in trouble.
Let's move along.
When it comes to religion, I am an equal opportunity offender.
Jewmingle dot com? Let's see....
You bet! There is a site where you can meet someone from the Jewish faith!

Man: You are hot and I love you. But, my mother says your family does not keep kosher. Is this true?
Woman: Oh, yes... we do, Mervin. We even have separate dishwashers for dairy and meat dishes.
Man: Is that eco-friendly?
Woman: Um... I donno, but do you love me?
Man: More than the cheeseburger I had for lunch!
Woman: OOOoooooooo! That's a lot!" (squeal squeal)

What's next... I think I have covered a lot of the major religions, so let's see if the minor religions also have dating sites!

Minor Religion Practioner: Hey! We are not "minor religions"; I resent that! And can you remove the "Minor Religion" above?"
Pterosaurish: I am so sorry. I really don't mean to offend... well....actually I do, but not in a bad way. I will try to be nicer from now on.
* * Practioner: It's not a good thing for you to poke fun at us. Even though we don't have so many adherents, it doesn't mean we are bogus! Hello? I mean... there are as many practitioners of Voodoo as there are Mormons. (Thanks for not calling us "minor")
Pterosaurish: REALLY?! OK... that's next! (I try not to be too cruel)

Let's look for voodoo mingle...
Nope... no specific site, but you can find out that the voodoo goddess of wisdom requires the sacrifice of seeds and swamp plants here. A proper incantation might get someone to fall in love with you: a sacrificial chicken nailed to her door, a swamp plant in her bed. You figure it out! But ... hey.... if you find the one you want, what could be better? I vote for the ritual to make the one you want fall in love with you.
Any other religious dating sites? Let me know.

Undesignated Gangs

The whole Japanese nation is shocked!
How is it possible that a gang of ten masked men can enter a club in a tony part of Tokyo and bludgeon a man to death with pipes and baseball bats.
There are obvious questions: who were they, why did they single out that one man, and how come they didn't kill 37 innocent bystanders in a spray of automatic weapons fire like they would have in America?
The article explains that they were probably members of an "undesignated criminal organization".
Sometimes, we humor bloggers have to leave the comfort of our wine-and-cheese-and-wine passivity and take on a new role: Hard Hitting News Hound!
Yes, even yours truly has pushed the envelope with hard-hitting, in-depth investigations about the Yakuza (Japanese mafia) and how the police are taking them on. At great risk to myself and my... my........ hmmm....
ANYWAY!
At great risk, I have reported on how the dangerous Yakuza are in direct confrontation with the National Police Agency and also on how they are extending their tentacles into marriage, but despite these risks, I continue to point the spotlight of TRUTH on them.
The question that needs to be asked right here and right now is how could an undesignated criminal organization get away with this.
I needed to talk to the police, so I arranged an interview with my connection at the National Police Agency, Captain Kanarazu Taiho.

Hard Hitting News Hound (me): Thank you for agreeing to meet me, Captain Taiho.
CT: It's my pleasure. We here at the National Police Agency welcome the interest of the press in our efforts to control crime in this country. Did you know that we solve over 85% of the crimes committed in Japan? (he leans forward and looks at me with his eyebrows raised expectantly)
HHNH: That's truly amazing....
CT: Haven't I seen you before? (he lights up a cigarette) You don't mind if I smoke, right? I know you foreigners are sensitive to smoking.....
HHNH: Oh... no... it's OK. But yes, I did interview you before about the issue of "designated criminal organizations".
CT: I heard that you also talked to Lieutenant Wairo about our efforts to suppress gang activity (he raises his eyebrows again suggestively)?
HHNH: Yes, I did. A few months ago....
CT: Did he say anything about that soapland over in Meguro (a Tokyo district)?
HHNH: Er... he did give me a card for Charmy Bliss Soapland... is that the one?
CT: Oh.... no.... never mind. (he scribbles something onto a note pad) OK. What can I do for you Mr. Pterosaurish? Did you overstay your visa again?
HHNH: No, that is not what I want to talk to you about.
CT: Your alien registration is expired?
HHNH: No, not that. What I wanted to talk....
CT: Maybe, you have modified your car to be a little outside of the legally permissible parameters? You DO have those funny tubes on the front bumper....
HHNH: You know about those?.... No, what I wanted to talk to you about is the recent killing in the Flower Club in Roppongi, and how it was done by an "undesignated criminal gang".
CT: Ah... yes... the murder with the pipes and baseball bats. Can you believe it took them two minutes to kill him?
HHNH: Um... what?
CT: This is what I have been trying to convey to the media for ALL these many years (he shakes his head, removes his glasses and polishes them with his handkerchief). If we permit undesignated gangs to do this sort of thing, we are allowing incompetents to handle gang activity. This is beyond the pale. Two minutes? That is TOTALLY unreasonable. A registered gang would have done it in less than one minute for sure!
HHNH: I was wondering about that...
CT: Yes. I confess that I am a little anal about this issue. I really cannot believe that WE – here at the National Police Agency – would allow an UNdesignated criminal gang to kill someone in a club! That is simply OUTRAGEOUS (his spittle flecks my notepad)! Now, I have tried... over these many years... to make sure that ALL the gangs out there have every avenue to register with us. I asked for and received special funds... SPECIAL FUNDS I tell you... did you know that we are on a restricted budget now because of all the natural disasters and so on?... yes... but even so... I got SPECIAL funds to go out and canvass the gangs around the country and make sure that they are all registered so that we can complete the "designation process". But wouldn't you know it! (He tosses back his hair and snorts the cigarette smoke out of his nostrils) One gang simply refuses to register. What can I do about this? I ask you! What can I do?!!
HHNH: Er... arrest them?
CT: Are you completely out of your mind or just a usual foreigner? Are you kidding me? We can't arrest them. They are not registered yet! Let me make this clear to you (he raises his eyebrows again.... several times)... We only arrest members of designated gangs who have committed crimes which fall under the "designated criminal activity code" crimes. Running into a club in Roppongi and bludgeoning to death a patron in a club is one thing, but not registering in advance and becoming a designated criminal organization... I am telling you... this is too much. Our nation is going to seed here! I really have started to think that maybe I should emigrate somewhere... maybe America.
HHNH: You want to emigrate to America?
CT: No... I am sorry... it's too dangerous over there. But we really do need to make sure that all our criminal gangs are registered here.... do you have any ideas?
HHNH: Voter registration is a big issue in my country..... might you take advantage of some of those techniques?
CT: Voter registration, you say? What is that? Anyway... yes... we are interested in ANYway to get the criminal gangs to come in and become "designated gangs". Once we get them on board, we will be able to count on them to not take so long to bludgeon their victims... I mean.... 2 minutes? Hello?... and things will be much smoother.
HHNH: So registration is the main thing....?
CT: Absolutely! We simply cannot allow gangs to be unregistered. We must be able to designate them officially before they can conduct any sort of gangland activity.
And did you say the Charmy Bliss Soapland?
HHNH: What?... oh... Lieutenant Wairo's recommendation.... I am so sorry... I didn't actually go there.
CT: Foreigners (he rolls his eyes)! You need to get out and experience more of Japanese culture, you know. We had a civilization when you foreigners were still living in caves and trees.
HHNH: Yes... um... whatever... thank you for your time, Captain Taiho, I really appreciate it.
CT: Anytime, foreigner.

Commercial Calories

I was going to write about the religious right in the US again and its incomprehensible belief in creationism. The rest of the world shakes its head in wonder that these citizens of the most powerful nation on the planet seem to believe something that is so starkly wrong.
Didn't they get ANY science in school?
I wanted to explain this phenomenon to our friends abroad by showing that these folks themselves are evidence that the Theory of Evolution is correct.
They are proof that humans are evolving from earlier life forms; they ARE the missing link between our benighted past and our enlightened future.
But a more pressing discovery intervened.
As I have discussed in a previous post, Americans tend to pack on the pounds. In fact, we carry the equivalent of two entire Swedens on our national body in excess blubber.
How did we let ourselves go like this?
The reasons might seem obvious: we eat too much, we don't exercise, we spend too much time in church, but clearly these cannot account for all the added pounds. If you talk to anyone who is overweight, many seem to be just as baffled by their bulk as you are.
"I don't know why I look like the Goodyear blimp; I only eat salads!"
And as you watch them, you see it is true. They often don't eat any more than thinner people.
So how can one account for this national problem? Could millions of people have some sort of metabolic disorder?
Unlikely.
What they do have, however, is TV.
99% of Americans have an average of 2.24 TVs in their homes and spend many hours a week in front of the flickering screen.
What are they watching?
Food commercials! A lot of food commercials.
The commercial for the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden, for example, shows a healthy looking group, preparing to enjoy endless bowls of differently flavored pasta — all shown, close up in their calorie rich redolence. Or consider the Pizza Hut commercial. It shows pizza after calorie laden pizza, but the two couples in the ad are not fat at all! Another ad, Carl's Jr, shows two slim and trim women in bikinis making and eating enormous, pulled pork-stuffed cheeseburgers.
Clearly the food is not doing THEM any harm.
So what gives?
We need to approach this scientifically and analyze the data. Who watches the most TV in the US? Men watch an average of 29 hours per week while women log in at 34 hours per week. Who tends to be more obese? Men or women? The stats show that women tend to be more obese than men.
Clearly watching the food commercials themselves is what is making the US population overweight! Somehow, seeing the deliciously presented food in all of its savory splendor causes our bodies to react by storing up fat, a kind of Pavlovian reaction. In the same way that a fearful situation can make our bodies respond with adrenaline and a "fight or flight" reaction, watching food commercials on TV makes us gain weight. Your brain sees an almost pornographic food commercial on the boob-tube and says, "OMG! Look at that chicken pot pie!" and sends a message to your fat cells to "go Goodyear".
Which brings me to my new diet idea.
Since your weight gain is most likely to have been caused by watching these commercials and NOT by the half-gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough, Häagan Dazs ice cream you had after dinner, you can reduce your weight by the simple expedient of turning off the TV when a food commercial comes on, or – better yet – get up from your couch and go get a beer and some chips and salsa to avoid exposing your body to those pernicious, subliminal (and subcutaneous) influences.