Dear Women,
Hi.
:-)
I know you have been reading the stuff in the press about how men are useless and unnecessary. If you haven't, you are probably living in a cave somewhere and definitely need to get out more.
Anyway, the media is FULL of it: men are not going to college as much as women, men are losing their jobs more than women, men are not doing any work around the house, and men cause all the crimes.
You get the picture; men suck.
As a man, I feel hurt by all this bad press. It's true, my SAT scores were low, but I did eventually graduate from college in about 12 years or so. I also do SOME stuff around the house. Why only the other day... or was it three weeks ago... I picked up my socks and put them in the laundry. Some of us are just late bloomers.
But what I want to talk about today is the good points about men!
Please consider our good points before you put us out with the trash, OK?
Here they are:
1. The remote control.
I know that the issue of men monopolizing the TV remote has been contentious for years. You women would like to take it over so you can cry without interruption while getting absorbed in that chick flick. It's a valid point.
But consider this. If you let your man handle the remote control, he will flick back and forth between the channels, and you will not only be able to cry over your movie but also over the Mariners (who suck big time).
This is a double benefit and makes it worthwhile to keep a man around.
2. The lying around and doing nothing.
It's true; we men tend to lie around and "appear" to be doing nothing as we kick back on the couch and swill our wine with our hands down our pants. But actually, we ARE doing something. We are being decorative.
Like cats!
I mean, you women keep cats around, don't you? What do THEY do? They lie around on the couch and basically do nothing. But they are decorative. We men are too! Plus (and this is so totally a win-win thing) we talk! (sometimes) So we can ask you how your day was and how you feel about things, and then ask you to get us a beer from the fridge.
3. Men's clothes lying around.
Yes.. yes.. I know. If there is ANYTHING worse than OUR lying around, it is our CLOTHES lying around. I admit, we have room for improvement here. But we do know where everything is! I mean, you women lose your keys in your purse! Did you ever think about that? The reason is because things are so concentrated in there. You need to spread things around a little, and then you will have no trouble finding them. We discovered this back in the paleolithic era, so we have a lot of practice, but you women have been too tight and "under control", so you have missed out on this important evolutionary development.
4. Our toys.
"Boys and their toys"! How many times have I heard this said by you women in a condescending sort of way.
I forgive you.
But, you need to think about what is behind us guys wanting the latest gadgets and stuff.
The national economy!
Yes.
You probably think we guys are just farting around on the couch and watching TV and thinking we need a bigger TV so we can watch the Mariners lose in high definition.
Right?
But you are wrong.
We don't mind watching the Mariners lose in low definition.... well.... we do... but not because of the TV.
No, we realize that a lot of jobs (like the one we lost) depend on TV sales. So we are doing our bit to help the national economy when we buy that 42" flat screen TV. We also hope the Seahawks will not only LOOK better but DO better than the Mariners when we buy it.
Oh! And there is that really cool video camera that we can attach to our helmet and stuff? MAN!! Is that awesome or what?!! It is so small and takes video in high definition! Like 90 minutes! I could even attach it to my leg when I go skiing and then post the videos on YouTube. Too cool!
What was I saying?
Oh... right...
5. We don't do anything around the house.
I have done some research about this problem, and I can tell you that this also goes back to the stone age period. There was a cave woman back there who was actually quoted as saying, "BOBO! Will you get off your fat butt and help clean up these bones around the fire? Why do you just throw them around like that anyway!!"
... or something like that. It's an old problem.
I would just like for you modern women to be a little more understanding. That's all.
Let's face it. Men are busy. I mean, even if we don't actually have a job or a hobby and are spending ALL our time lying around with the cats, we are busy. In our heads.... or somewhere. Anyway, the busyness keeps us from seeing what needs to be cleaned up. An eye problem! That's it! Our eyes are different from yours.
6. Not asking directions.
I know this has been your personal peeve for a long time. It's true that we men have a certain reticence to ask for directions when we take the wrong exit off the expressway and bring you to some small oasis in the Mohave desert when we thought we were in Seattle. You women get irritated.
It's different DNA.
You see, we men are hard-wired to look for adventure! Not asking for directions means that every trip – even going to that new, romantic restaurant that you wanted to go to on our anniversary, and that we made the reservation for at 7:00, and we were still driving around at 9:30 – is an opportunity to explore and find something new!
Pizza Hut wasn't THAT bad, was it?
Anyway... don't worry... at least we guys know how much gas is in the tank. (usually)
So what I would like to say in conclusion is that you women are very cool. I think I speak for a lot of men in saying that we like you a lot, and we hope you will consider these positive attributes that I have listed above and keep us. We might be worth it.... maybe.... at least as much as the cats anyway.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Police Take Action
In an earlier post, I highlighted the Japanese National Police Agency and its expert handling of the motorcycle gang problem. Once again, the NPA is cracking down, this time on organized crime! As reported in the Yomiuri Newspaper, a new law has been proposed that would allow the National Police Agency to take the dramatic step of actually closing the offices of registered gangs!
No Hard-Hitting News Hound can sit idly by when the news takes a dramatic turn like this, so I just had to get out in the street, pound the pavement and talk directly to the people involved. I first needed to interview those most affected by this new law, the gang members themselves.
I managed to get an appointment with Mr. Chimpira "Punch" Furyo of the notorious Yamaguchi gang, a criminal organization registered as such with the National Police Agency.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today, Mr. Furyo; I really appreciate your taking the...
CF: Get on with it. I don't have all day.
HHNH: Um... so... the National Police Agency is passing a new law that will allow them to keep you out of your offices even if you are only suspected of being involved in a crime. How do you feel about this?
CF: It's a huge inconvenience! All of our documents and records of extortion and prostitution, not to mention the drug dealings and killings are in files and computers in our offices! We store our guns and stuff there too! We have signs on the front of the buildings, so everyone knows where we are and arranging meetings with politicians and so on is easier? What are we supposed to do? Meet in bars like this? (he waved his hand around the room) You just can't do business out of a bar! It's ridiculous! (spittle formed in the corners of his mouth)
HHNH: Yes... yes, I can see how that would be a problem. Do you think it will interfere significantly with your business?
CF: Of course it will! I just don't understand how the new government, faced with an economic crisis of unprecedented proportion, can crack down like this on small business! It's unfair and will only prolong the recovery process! (the blood veins on his neck suggested an aneurysm)
HHNH: How have you been involved in the recovery after the earthquake and tsunami?
CF: We helped the victims after the 1995 Kobe earthquake when the government was slow to respond, and we are also helping in the wake of the recent disaster in the northeastern part of the country. Not being able to get into our offices because the police have silly suspicions is just too much to bear!
Listen, I need to think about moving our documents and computers to the brothel I operate in Nagoya!
This interview is over.
HHNH: Thank you very much for agreeing to be interviewed today.
CF: Show him out, boys!
After I left the mobster's bar, I realized that a Hard Hitting News Hound cannot settle for one side of the story. To be fair, I needed to interview the police as well. Fortunately, I was able to contact Captain Kanarazu Taiho at NPA headquarters in Tokyo.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Captain Taiho.
CT: It's my pleasure. We here at the National Police Agency welcome the interest of the press in our efforts to control crime in this country. Did you know that we solve over 85% of the crimes committed in Japan? (he leans forward and looks at me with his eyebrows raised)
HHNH: That's truly amazing....
CT: Where are you from? Your alien registration is in order, is it?
HHNH: Oh... yes! Definitely in order...
Er... I read recently that the NPA is promoting a new law that would allow it to close the offices of gangs which were suspected of being involved in a crime. Can you elaborate on this new approach?
CT: Absolutely! You see, the criminal gangs do everything in secret, so it is often hard to pin a specific crime on them. By having this new law, we will be able to cause them serious irritation if we suspect them of being involved in something illegal.
HHNH: But they are officially registered with the NPA as criminal gangs, aren't they? Wouldn't this allow you to close their offices at any time?
CT: (throwing back his head and laughing uproariously) Yes!! You understand perfectly! This new law will allow us to simply close their offices any time we want to, forcing them to conduct their business elsewhere.
HHNH: So instead of having them carry out their dealings in a place that you know about, you will force them to move to a secret location to operate?
CT: (leaning forward and looking at me with slitted eyes) Well... if you put it THAT way, it sounds bad, but think about all their documents and computers and so on. They can't easily move them to some warehouse or bar! No... this will be an effective way to disrupt their operations and really get on their nerves.
HHNH: Why don't you actually go into their offices and examine their documents and computers and then maybe arrest some of them?
CT: Are you mad? Foreigners! (he rolls his eyes) We can't do that! What would become of the donations and help they provide in disaster relief? You know our government is strapped for funds; why... we are ranked at the very top in public debt ahead of countries like Zimbabwe and Greece! We need all the help we can get.
HHNH: I see. Well, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview today.
CT: You are most welcome. I am sure you will print a responsible article about our efforts to control gang-related crime.
HHNH: I will do my best.
No Hard-Hitting News Hound can sit idly by when the news takes a dramatic turn like this, so I just had to get out in the street, pound the pavement and talk directly to the people involved. I first needed to interview those most affected by this new law, the gang members themselves.
I managed to get an appointment with Mr. Chimpira "Punch" Furyo of the notorious Yamaguchi gang, a criminal organization registered as such with the National Police Agency.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today, Mr. Furyo; I really appreciate your taking the...
CF: Get on with it. I don't have all day.
HHNH: Um... so... the National Police Agency is passing a new law that will allow them to keep you out of your offices even if you are only suspected of being involved in a crime. How do you feel about this?
CF: It's a huge inconvenience! All of our documents and records of extortion and prostitution, not to mention the drug dealings and killings are in files and computers in our offices! We store our guns and stuff there too! We have signs on the front of the buildings, so everyone knows where we are and arranging meetings with politicians and so on is easier? What are we supposed to do? Meet in bars like this? (he waved his hand around the room) You just can't do business out of a bar! It's ridiculous! (spittle formed in the corners of his mouth)
HHNH: Yes... yes, I can see how that would be a problem. Do you think it will interfere significantly with your business?
CF: Of course it will! I just don't understand how the new government, faced with an economic crisis of unprecedented proportion, can crack down like this on small business! It's unfair and will only prolong the recovery process! (the blood veins on his neck suggested an aneurysm)
HHNH: How have you been involved in the recovery after the earthquake and tsunami?
CF: We helped the victims after the 1995 Kobe earthquake when the government was slow to respond, and we are also helping in the wake of the recent disaster in the northeastern part of the country. Not being able to get into our offices because the police have silly suspicions is just too much to bear!
Listen, I need to think about moving our documents and computers to the brothel I operate in Nagoya!
This interview is over.
HHNH: Thank you very much for agreeing to be interviewed today.
CF: Show him out, boys!
After I left the mobster's bar, I realized that a Hard Hitting News Hound cannot settle for one side of the story. To be fair, I needed to interview the police as well. Fortunately, I was able to contact Captain Kanarazu Taiho at NPA headquarters in Tokyo.
HHNH: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Captain Taiho.
CT: It's my pleasure. We here at the National Police Agency welcome the interest of the press in our efforts to control crime in this country. Did you know that we solve over 85% of the crimes committed in Japan? (he leans forward and looks at me with his eyebrows raised)
HHNH: That's truly amazing....
CT: Where are you from? Your alien registration is in order, is it?
HHNH: Oh... yes! Definitely in order...
Er... I read recently that the NPA is promoting a new law that would allow it to close the offices of gangs which were suspected of being involved in a crime. Can you elaborate on this new approach?
CT: Absolutely! You see, the criminal gangs do everything in secret, so it is often hard to pin a specific crime on them. By having this new law, we will be able to cause them serious irritation if we suspect them of being involved in something illegal.
HHNH: But they are officially registered with the NPA as criminal gangs, aren't they? Wouldn't this allow you to close their offices at any time?
CT: (throwing back his head and laughing uproariously) Yes!! You understand perfectly! This new law will allow us to simply close their offices any time we want to, forcing them to conduct their business elsewhere.
HHNH: So instead of having them carry out their dealings in a place that you know about, you will force them to move to a secret location to operate?
CT: (leaning forward and looking at me with slitted eyes) Well... if you put it THAT way, it sounds bad, but think about all their documents and computers and so on. They can't easily move them to some warehouse or bar! No... this will be an effective way to disrupt their operations and really get on their nerves.
HHNH: Why don't you actually go into their offices and examine their documents and computers and then maybe arrest some of them?
CT: Are you mad? Foreigners! (he rolls his eyes) We can't do that! What would become of the donations and help they provide in disaster relief? You know our government is strapped for funds; why... we are ranked at the very top in public debt ahead of countries like Zimbabwe and Greece! We need all the help we can get.
HHNH: I see. Well, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview today.
CT: You are most welcome. I am sure you will print a responsible article about our efforts to control gang-related crime.
HHNH: I will do my best.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Exciting World of Dieting
The media is full of contradictory advice about healthy eating. Is coffee good for you or a death trap? How about red wine? Is it a cure all or a killer? While we cannot answer all of your questions about dieting and health we can take an in-depth, easy-to-understand look at some of the more popular diet issues that are in the news. Let's use the trendy question-and-answer format to explain some of these points. You ask the questions and I will give answers in layperson's terms.
Question: I am not clear about antioxidants. They say that antioxidants destroy "free radicals", but what does that actually mean?
Answer: Good question! This is actually not that hard to understand. Imagine the antioxidants as lawmen like Wyatt Earp. They ride around on their horses in your bloodstream chasing the free radicals which we can think of as outlaws such as Billy the Kid. When they catch the free radicals, they lynch them from the nearest corpuscle. This cleanses your system of these dangerous desperadoes and makes you healthy. Antioxidants can be found in kale, alfalfa sprouts and sunflower seeds, and the free radicals are found in all the things you really want to eat, such as Twinkies, chips, and cookies.
Scenario
Free Radicals (turning around and around on their horses and firing their guns randomly into the air): Yee haw! Yee haw! We gonna have some fun in this town! Where is the saloon? We need some booze! And wimmin... where's the wimmin?!!
Antioxidant Earp (walking up to the free radicals in the dusty street): You boys better calm down now.
FR (dismounting): And who are YOU?
AE: I am the law here. (shows them his badge) You put your guns away now, and we won't have any trouble.
FR (squinting hard at Antioxidant Earp): And what if we don't? Whatcha gonna do about it?
AE: I am going to arrest you or shoot you, whichever comes first.
FR: Oh yeah? You and what army?
AE: Me and Bat and Doc. (other antioxidants appear, carrying sawed off shotguns)
FR: You don't scare us, Sheriff! Does he, boys? (the other free radicals shout support)
(Antioxidant Earp draws his six-gun and calmly shoots the free radical in the head.)
AE: The rest of you want to come peacefully, or shall we do this the hard way.
(the other free radicals drop their guns and raise their hands)
AE: Let's take 'em off to jail!
This is what happens in your body everyday, a world in turmoil filled with moments of drama and adventure.
Question: What is a "low carb" diet.
Answer: "Carb", of course, refers to the carburetor in your body's "engine". You will want to keep this running "low" and "lean" so that your engine's efficiency will be improved and you will live a long and healthy life.
Question: I have heard a lot about the caveman diet. Is this something that I should adopt to get in touch with our evolutionary past and be healthy?
Answer: This paleolithic diet is based on the foods that hunter-gatherers would eat.
Scenario
Policeman: Um... what are you doing?
Dieter: Shh! I am stalking that bison.
Policeman (whispering): This is the zoo. You want to put that rifle away?
Dieter: I need to get that bison for my paleolithic diet!
Policeman: Your what? What have you been drinking? Come over here. I want you to walk on this white line for me. And put that rifle away!
Dieter: I am completely sober (walks the white line to prove it).
Policeman (on his radio): I need an ambulance here... bring a straight jacket. (to the dieter) Put that rifle down already!
Regrettably, it is very difficult to hunt bison or deer in today's urban areas, and parks don't allow for much gathering. In any case, the life expectancy of your average caveman was very short, suggesting that following paleolithic lifestyles might not be a healthy alternative.
Question: My girlfriend told me that I am becoming an endomorph. What does she mean?
Answer: She is trying to break up with you but using "diplomatic" language to do so.
Question: I read somewhere that men prefer heavier women when the economy is bad. Does this mean I can find a husband now?
Answer: Yes. Women who are very overweight can easily find husbands and boyfriends these days, because of the bad economy. If the economy turns around, however, they can expect to be dumped.
Question: Does this preference extend to heavier men too?
Answer: Not unless you have a sex change operation.
Question: I hear a lot about the importance of dietary supplements, but I am confused about what supplements I should be taking.
Answer: You should supplement your diet with items you are missing. In my case, for example, my diet sometimes falls low on wine. When this unfortunate situation arises, I go out and buy a couple of bottles of wine to bring my diet back into balance. Everyone is different, however, so what your diet needs in the way of supplements depends on your investigation. My sister's diet, for example, is notoriously low in chocolate, so she is perpetually having to increase her intake of this vital ingredient to keep her health.
This is all we have space for today, but just remember when you consider your next diet that you are also what you DON'T eat.
Question: I am not clear about antioxidants. They say that antioxidants destroy "free radicals", but what does that actually mean?
Answer: Good question! This is actually not that hard to understand. Imagine the antioxidants as lawmen like Wyatt Earp. They ride around on their horses in your bloodstream chasing the free radicals which we can think of as outlaws such as Billy the Kid. When they catch the free radicals, they lynch them from the nearest corpuscle. This cleanses your system of these dangerous desperadoes and makes you healthy. Antioxidants can be found in kale, alfalfa sprouts and sunflower seeds, and the free radicals are found in all the things you really want to eat, such as Twinkies, chips, and cookies.
Scenario
Free Radicals (turning around and around on their horses and firing their guns randomly into the air): Yee haw! Yee haw! We gonna have some fun in this town! Where is the saloon? We need some booze! And wimmin... where's the wimmin?!!
Antioxidant Earp (walking up to the free radicals in the dusty street): You boys better calm down now.
FR (dismounting): And who are YOU?
AE: I am the law here. (shows them his badge) You put your guns away now, and we won't have any trouble.
FR (squinting hard at Antioxidant Earp): And what if we don't? Whatcha gonna do about it?
AE: I am going to arrest you or shoot you, whichever comes first.
FR: Oh yeah? You and what army?
AE: Me and Bat and Doc. (other antioxidants appear, carrying sawed off shotguns)
FR: You don't scare us, Sheriff! Does he, boys? (the other free radicals shout support)
(Antioxidant Earp draws his six-gun and calmly shoots the free radical in the head.)
AE: The rest of you want to come peacefully, or shall we do this the hard way.
(the other free radicals drop their guns and raise their hands)
AE: Let's take 'em off to jail!
This is what happens in your body everyday, a world in turmoil filled with moments of drama and adventure.
Question: What is a "low carb" diet.
Answer: "Carb", of course, refers to the carburetor in your body's "engine". You will want to keep this running "low" and "lean" so that your engine's efficiency will be improved and you will live a long and healthy life.
Question: I have heard a lot about the caveman diet. Is this something that I should adopt to get in touch with our evolutionary past and be healthy?
Answer: This paleolithic diet is based on the foods that hunter-gatherers would eat.
Scenario
Policeman: Um... what are you doing?
Dieter: Shh! I am stalking that bison.
Policeman (whispering): This is the zoo. You want to put that rifle away?
Dieter: I need to get that bison for my paleolithic diet!
Policeman: Your what? What have you been drinking? Come over here. I want you to walk on this white line for me. And put that rifle away!
Dieter: I am completely sober (walks the white line to prove it).
Policeman (on his radio): I need an ambulance here... bring a straight jacket. (to the dieter) Put that rifle down already!
Regrettably, it is very difficult to hunt bison or deer in today's urban areas, and parks don't allow for much gathering. In any case, the life expectancy of your average caveman was very short, suggesting that following paleolithic lifestyles might not be a healthy alternative.
Question: My girlfriend told me that I am becoming an endomorph. What does she mean?
Answer: She is trying to break up with you but using "diplomatic" language to do so.
Question: I read somewhere that men prefer heavier women when the economy is bad. Does this mean I can find a husband now?
Answer: Yes. Women who are very overweight can easily find husbands and boyfriends these days, because of the bad economy. If the economy turns around, however, they can expect to be dumped.
Question: Does this preference extend to heavier men too?
Answer: Not unless you have a sex change operation.
Question: I hear a lot about the importance of dietary supplements, but I am confused about what supplements I should be taking.
Answer: You should supplement your diet with items you are missing. In my case, for example, my diet sometimes falls low on wine. When this unfortunate situation arises, I go out and buy a couple of bottles of wine to bring my diet back into balance. Everyone is different, however, so what your diet needs in the way of supplements depends on your investigation. My sister's diet, for example, is notoriously low in chocolate, so she is perpetually having to increase her intake of this vital ingredient to keep her health.
This is all we have space for today, but just remember when you consider your next diet that you are also what you DON'T eat.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Forever Young – advice for seniors
In an earlier blog, I discussed how we seniors should be careful not to appear to be dead; this is an open invitation for relatives to get rid of us. It's true, we Boomers did most of our "booming" in the 60s and 70s, but many of us are not quite "circling the drain" yet and remain perky with vitality. The media is full of people talking about how 40 is "the new 30", so we older folk need to get on that bandwagon as well. Our slogan should be "100 is the new 90!"
There are steps you can take as you age – dos and don'ts – so that folks around you will not take you for the decrepit, old fart that you appear to be, but instead see you for the youthful heart that beats within. You want to stay "as young as you feel"!
DOs
1. Wear bright clothing. For men, head out to your favorite store and get some cheerful Hawaiian shirts with bright prints. Choose colors that scream youthfulness, like pink or violet. A pair of brightly striped pants will compliment the shirts as well. You women will want to strut your new youthful look with a really trendy muumuu. Finding one that matches the print your partner is wearing will only set you apart as a really "with it" couple.
2. Get a nice suntan. This can be done by actually lying around in the sun, but give your melanomas a rest and use one of those baste on suntan lotions like Congressman Boehner applies. The orange look is "in", and nothing says "young" more than that outdoorsy patina.
3. Guys, wear a gold necklace of heavy chain. This will hint that you are not only young but also rich and maybe a little dangerous, since young people who wear gold chains are usually drug dealers.
4. You women will want to go in for a bikini swimsuit. Everyone knows that this is the latest craze amongst the youthful set. See if you can find one that matches your muumuu.
5. Dye your hair! For men, you will want to go with a color that is as close to your original color as you remember it to be. When in doubt make it a few shades darker. Women will want to go with something that offers a blue hue. This will definitely show your new tan and muumuu to their best advantage. Dying your hair is a surefire way to show you are just bursting with youthfulness.
6. Get a Facebook page. This is the new social networking that you have been hearing about on the nightly news. Find someone to teach you how to use it and put all your pictures and comments there for the world to see. Leave out the pictures that show you doing "senior" things like being wheeled out of the hospital after recovering from your fifth heart attack or napping in that "I AM DEAD, DISPOSE OF ME" posture.
DON'Ts
1. Don't talk about your ailments. Nobody wants to know that you had to eat a whole bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement this morning. Really! Please.
2. Don't say things like "oof" (in the Seattle area, "Oof da" or in Japan よいしょっ) when you get up from your chair or do anything involving physical effort, such as bending over to tie your shoes.
3. Don't leave your medications in your medicine cabinet when you invite people over. Let's face it, most of your friends are the same age as you, and when they retreat to the "powder room", they are going to snoop in your medicine cabinet. Rows of pill bottles with labels like phenoxybenzamine or warfarin will clue them in that your "youthful" image is only skin deep. Especially don't leave one of those weekly-pill-organizer boxes lying around, as then they will know that you are not only very sick, but also suffering from memory loss.
You cannot leave your cabinet bare, however. That would be too suspicious. So display a bottle of aspirin and other over-the-counter medications for coughs and common colds. Some sex lubricant or a dildo would also be a good way to establish your youth cred.
4. Don't use "senior slang". Nothing dates you like the language you use. Are you still saying things like "boss", as in "Isn't that new Lady Gaga album boss"? That is SO ancient. OMG! You need to spruce up your lingo! Also, don't say "lingo". That is SO 17th century! You should be dead already. You want to use words like "awesome".
Short Quiz
Scenario
You are at the supermarket and looking at the melons. You have NO idea how to tell whether a melon is ready to eat or not, so you ask the woman who is busily picking each one up and sniffing it, how to tell if a melon is ripe.
She looks at you like you have just molested her daughter but says, "This one is ripe."
You say:
a. Thank you so much.
b. Whoa! Totally cool.
c. Awesome.
d. Those melons just killed 13 people!
e. I did not molest your daughter. Fred did it.
f. All of the above.
Of course only c is correct.
Young people say "awesome" for everything! It is very hip. (Don't say "hip"; nobody knows what that means.)
They say stuff like, "OMG! That movie was... like... so totally awesome!" Or "OMG! That gelato was... like... so totally awesome!" Or "I am... like... so totally going to eat at that totally awesome restaurant you... like... told me about!"
I think you get the picture. Language degrades as generations pass. You think not? Try reading Shakespeare again in the original Latin.
Anyway, follow these tips and you will not only appear to be... like... so totally young and all, but who knows? You might actually BE so totally... like... er... like... so... totally... AWESOME!
There are steps you can take as you age – dos and don'ts – so that folks around you will not take you for the decrepit, old fart that you appear to be, but instead see you for the youthful heart that beats within. You want to stay "as young as you feel"!
DOs
1. Wear bright clothing. For men, head out to your favorite store and get some cheerful Hawaiian shirts with bright prints. Choose colors that scream youthfulness, like pink or violet. A pair of brightly striped pants will compliment the shirts as well. You women will want to strut your new youthful look with a really trendy muumuu. Finding one that matches the print your partner is wearing will only set you apart as a really "with it" couple.
2. Get a nice suntan. This can be done by actually lying around in the sun, but give your melanomas a rest and use one of those baste on suntan lotions like Congressman Boehner applies. The orange look is "in", and nothing says "young" more than that outdoorsy patina.
3. Guys, wear a gold necklace of heavy chain. This will hint that you are not only young but also rich and maybe a little dangerous, since young people who wear gold chains are usually drug dealers.
4. You women will want to go in for a bikini swimsuit. Everyone knows that this is the latest craze amongst the youthful set. See if you can find one that matches your muumuu.
5. Dye your hair! For men, you will want to go with a color that is as close to your original color as you remember it to be. When in doubt make it a few shades darker. Women will want to go with something that offers a blue hue. This will definitely show your new tan and muumuu to their best advantage. Dying your hair is a surefire way to show you are just bursting with youthfulness.
6. Get a Facebook page. This is the new social networking that you have been hearing about on the nightly news. Find someone to teach you how to use it and put all your pictures and comments there for the world to see. Leave out the pictures that show you doing "senior" things like being wheeled out of the hospital after recovering from your fifth heart attack or napping in that "I AM DEAD, DISPOSE OF ME" posture.
DON'Ts
1. Don't talk about your ailments. Nobody wants to know that you had to eat a whole bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement this morning. Really! Please.
2. Don't say things like "oof" (in the Seattle area, "Oof da" or in Japan よいしょっ) when you get up from your chair or do anything involving physical effort, such as bending over to tie your shoes.
3. Don't leave your medications in your medicine cabinet when you invite people over. Let's face it, most of your friends are the same age as you, and when they retreat to the "powder room", they are going to snoop in your medicine cabinet. Rows of pill bottles with labels like phenoxybenzamine or warfarin will clue them in that your "youthful" image is only skin deep. Especially don't leave one of those weekly-pill-organizer boxes lying around, as then they will know that you are not only very sick, but also suffering from memory loss.
You cannot leave your cabinet bare, however. That would be too suspicious. So display a bottle of aspirin and other over-the-counter medications for coughs and common colds. Some sex lubricant or a dildo would also be a good way to establish your youth cred.
4. Don't use "senior slang". Nothing dates you like the language you use. Are you still saying things like "boss", as in "Isn't that new Lady Gaga album boss"? That is SO ancient. OMG! You need to spruce up your lingo! Also, don't say "lingo". That is SO 17th century! You should be dead already. You want to use words like "awesome".
Short Quiz
Scenario
You are at the supermarket and looking at the melons. You have NO idea how to tell whether a melon is ready to eat or not, so you ask the woman who is busily picking each one up and sniffing it, how to tell if a melon is ripe.
She looks at you like you have just molested her daughter but says, "This one is ripe."
You say:
a. Thank you so much.
b. Whoa! Totally cool.
c. Awesome.
d. Those melons just killed 13 people!
e. I did not molest your daughter. Fred did it.
f. All of the above.
Of course only c is correct.
Young people say "awesome" for everything! It is very hip. (Don't say "hip"; nobody knows what that means.)
They say stuff like, "OMG! That movie was... like... so totally awesome!" Or "OMG! That gelato was... like... so totally awesome!" Or "I am... like... so totally going to eat at that totally awesome restaurant you... like... told me about!"
I think you get the picture. Language degrades as generations pass. You think not? Try reading Shakespeare again in the original Latin.
Anyway, follow these tips and you will not only appear to be... like... so totally young and all, but who knows? You might actually BE so totally... like... er... like... so... totally... AWESOME!
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