Phones & Skirts

Lately in Japan, a fad of taking pictures up women's skirts has been in the news. This is such a culturally interesting phenomenon that – yours truly, Hard Hitting News Hound – needed to get to the bottom of it (no pun intended).
What better place to start than at the electronics store where the "offending devices" are being sold.
Salesperson: May I help you?
HHNH: Yes... er... I am interested in the devices that the people in the news have been using to take pictures up women's skirts. What do you in the business think about this trend.
Salesperson: Trend? Ha ha! I understand completely!
No problem! (He inexplicably winked at me.)
Let me show you some of the more popular models over here.
You DO know that ALL phones sold in Japan HAVE to make a sound when a still shot is made, right? I just want to be sure you know the basics...
HHNH: Really?
Salesperson: Yes.
So what has become really popular these days is taking videos. You can edit out still shots later if you want.
Here.... have a look at this one. The iPhones are popular but I think they are really too big for this kind of work.
I find...
I mean... if someone wanted to take those kinds of pictures...
um... what I mean to say is that nowadays we offer a lot of phones that are very slim and inconspicuous and which also take video. Their main feature is that they fit into your pocket very easily.
HHNH: You don't say...
Salesperson: Yes. So there are basically two types... the "one box" type and the "extendable type" phones. The iPhone and similar are the one box type of phone, and I find that they really don't give you much extension...
I mean... hahahaha!
If you want to take pictures, it is often best to have a little reach.
So I am recommending the extendable type of phone. Like this one! Look how when you slide open the lid it really extends the camera almost 10 centimeters!
I have this model. It works really great!
HHNH: How nice....
Salesperson: Oh! Another thing about the shutter sound. Some phones make more noise than others, so if you really need to take the still shots instead of the video, you will want to choose the quieter ones. Generally, your one-box type phones make more noise than the others. Take mine here; for example, it's not so bad. Here, let me show you. I will take a picture and you tell me what you think?
HHNH: Er.... OK....
Salesperson: (aims phone at the phone display in the store and presses the camera button) See? Hardly any sound at all. You can also disable the shutter sound if you really want to take still shots. Or you can soften the sound by putting tape or a seal on the back of the phone like this. (He shows me a large Hello Kitty seal on the back of his phone.)
HHNH: How interesting...
Salesperson: You can also take pictures with portable media players like the JAL guy used. These have the advantage of not making any sound and also look less like a camera. That's where that university professor was so stupid, using a mirror when he could EASILY have taken pictures. And that guy in Okinawa! What an idiot, using a camera! There is really no reason to be so obvious! It is so easy to get really good pictures up women's skirts without being noticed... there are whole web sites devoted to posting them! You really should check them out; do you want the URLs? I have them right here on my phone!
HHNH: It's OK. Thank you so much for your help.
Salesperson: So do you want one of these phones?
HHNH: No, thank you very much.
Salesperson: How about this portable media player with a camera function? Nobody will notice even in a crowded train!
HHNH: It's OK. Thanks.
Salesperson: Well, don't try anything with YOUR phone. It's an antique!
HHNH: Yes, thank you for the advice.

The Disaccharides Did Not Fight the Spartans

Today's subject is delicate, but as a public service, I would like to pass along this important health information. Nobody needs to suffer in silence any longer.
Let's listen to a first person report of how traumatic this can be and a researcher's presentation on the subject.
Interview
Sharon (not her real name): Is the mike on?
Researcher: Yes, Sharon, please go on... tell us about your ordeal.
S: Well, the other night my husband, George, and I went over to my former, college roommate's house for dinner? Her name is Tiffany. She had her boss and some people from her company over for dinner, and invited us too, since we are old friends.
Tiffany is nice enough, but she always thinks she is such a great cook and all? But really she's not. She made some...oh... Her husband, Bruce, was there too ... He's kind of cute... Anyway... (You know, I have heard that they really don't get along anymore? Susan, another friend from college, said that they haven't had sex for months!)
R: Yes... and can you tell us about YOUR problem?
S: What?
R: The "problem" you wanted to tell us about?
S: Ohhh! Yes.... so anyway, Tiffany brings out these horse ovaries? It was like little crackers with...
R: Horse ovaries?
S: Yes, that's French for appetizers, apparently. I don't speak French, though I studied Spanish in high school... oh my god, the teacher... what WAS his name... Juan or something... he was SUCH a doll...
R: Appetizers... OK, so Tiffany made them?
S: Yes! Some soft cheesy stuff on crackers? And I ate them... actually they were not too bad... not like the last time when she made this dip out of tuna fish and whalapeeno peppers... oh my god! It was like SO awful... George, my hubby, ate one of them and almost had a heart attack, it was so bad. HAHAHAHA!! Tiffany is such a....
R: Yes... yes... so what about the appetizers?
S: What?
Oh! Yes... so I ate several of those crackery things. But no sooner did I eat them than I started to feel really uncomfortable.
R: Can you describe the discomfort for us please?
S: Well, my stomach bloated up like a freaking watermelon! I am not kidding about this. And it kept getting bigger and bigger... My husband, George (who NEVER notices ANYTHING about me), even asked about it! So, I didn't know what to do. The pressure... you would NOT believe!
R: So what happened.
S: I was so ashamed....
R: I know this is painful, but could you tell us in your own words what happened next?
S: Well... eventually I could not hold in the pressure anymore, so I told Tiffany ... and Bruce... Bruce is her husband... He's really cute...
R: You told her WHAT?!
S: Yes? ... oh... yes... I told her that I needed to use the "powder room", but as I got up from my seat... I swear... I had no idea... maybe it was the sudden lifting off of the weight or something? But anyway, the pressure was suddenly gone and I .... oh my...
R: You ... um... released something?
S: Yes... I let this big gas thing... it was horrible.... and there simply was no way to hide it... the noise and all. EVERYONE looked at me. I was SO humiliated. So Bruce, my husband... NO! Sorry... ha ha... Bruce is Tiffany's husband... ha ha...
So George, my husband, told me I should go see a doctor, so I did. And she told me I had IBS.

Researcher: IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This can strike anyone at any time. What a terrible thing to experience when you least expect it! You need to watch your diet to avoid this becoming a blight on your life. Here is what to avoid:
1. Basically all fruit.
2. Pretty much all vegetables too.
3. Cereals and grains? Forget them. And don't even LOOK at pasta!
4. Dairy? Nuh uh.
5. Beans and whatever? Forget about them too.
All of these contain disaccharides and other things which cause your bowels to knot up and produce apocalyptic quantities of gas!
The only thing that is not on the list is meat. So eat a lot of meat, and you will feel better soon.
Let's check in on Sharon and see what she did.

Interview continues
R: So what did you do to deal with this embarrassing problem?
S: Oh my god! Tiffany had a HUGE fit... she said I totally ruined her whole relationship with her boss (I think they have something going on... but don't tell her I said so...), and she completely stopped talking to me!
R: Yes, yes.... but what did you DO to cure this problem?
S: Oh! Yes! I looked it up on the internet, and it seems that I need to eat more meat. So I have been making burgers and steaks every night.
But you know? Bruce... Tiffany's husband? He was so sweet. He sent me an email telling me that he thought Tiffany had gone a little too far with being upset and all? I mean... passing out and everything? Now... I think that was all a fake! Anyway, HE said he would like to make it up to me, so we are meeting for lunch on Wednesday at that BBQ place on 1st. All meat! I think everything will work out fine!
R: Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us, Sharon. Do you have any final advice for others who might be plagued by IBS like you were?
S: Oh yes! First... never ever eat any of Tiffany's horse ovaries. Oh my god... you will blow up and die! Next, stick to a diet of high protein...meat and stuff. You will be fine!
R: Thank you so much for sharing this traumatic experience with us so that others can benefit from your experience.
S: It was my pleasure!

In God We Trust

It's official. Most of the Republican candidates for the Presidency claim to have been called by God to step up and run for office. Herman Cain is the latest of the group chosen by God to make the chase for the highest office in the land, but Michelle Bachman, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum (whose name has become part of the urban dictionary) have also heard the call from heaven.
Naturally, I was curious about why God would call so many of them to campaign for office. I needed to find out why, but how?
Obviously prayer, the kind of sustained effort employed by Herman Cain, would be one way to find out what is behind God's apparent shotgun approach to Republican opposition. Unfortunately, however, I have not prayed since I was a very small boy, and even then I was not all that convinced that my requests for a pair of soccer boots were making much headway, so some other way would be required.
The power of deductive reasoning!
Now here is a technique I might be good at. I am well educated and of average intelligence, surely I could apply my God-given brain power to this issue and arrive – like Sherlock Holmes – at an answer. To quote the great detective, "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
So, we must first eliminate the impossible.
One cannot doubt the sincerity of the Republican field in their claims of being called by God. They all must have heard "something", and the still, small voices in their hearts were not telling them to "go ahead... eat the fruit of knowledge!" There is no evidence of knowledge-fruit eating among them. No, the voices were telling them to run for office, the highest office in the land.
So in conclusion, they all did receive the call. It must be true.
If there is no question of veracity on the part of the receivers, then, we must consider the sending end of the conversation. Why would God call on four Republicans to run for office? After all, in the Bible, God only called on one Job, one Noah and one Moses to save his chosen people from lack of faith, flood, and the Egyptians. There must be some reason that we can deduce from the evidence at hand.
Would an all-knowing God need to "cover his bases", so to speak, by fielding an array of candidates in case one of them proved unworthy?
Impossible.
Would an omnipotent God call so many so that the best among them would rise to the top?
Never happened before. And what about Romney?
Could a creator God be trying to muddy the Republican field (have you EVER seen so many people "debating" before?) to sow confusion in the opposition ranks?
Bingo!
With the impossible eliminated, the improbable rises like sweet cream to the surface.
God is a Democrat.

For a Few Dollars More

Once again it is time to stop sitting on the sidelines and griping about politics and actually come up with a productive solution for a change. One simply cannot stand by here in Japan and watch as the government digs a financial hole for itself, deeper and deeper. The yen resists any attempt to hold it down and despite huge government purchases of US dollars to weaken the yen, the Japanese currency pops back up stronger than ever. There really is only one solution, and it surprises me that this has not even been discussed.
Japan should switch to the dollar.
No, I am not kidding.
Let's look at the numbers.
First, how many dollars are actually out there?
There is a total of a few more than 800 billion dollars in circulation, most of which is outside the United States. Japan already holds about one point one trillion dollars of foreign currency reserves, and we can guess that the bulk of that amount is held in dollars (a lot of it in bonds, etc., not paper money).
The information that I got from the Bank of Japan* for the total amount of Japanese currency in circulation (again much of it held overseas) is about 50 trillion yen, or at current rates, only 640 billion US dollars.
In other words, the goal of obtaining enough greenbacks to replace the yen currency is already within the grasp of the Japanese government; this is a doable thing.
What would be the benefits of switching currencies?
1. Exporters would no longer need to worry about fluctuations in currency values affecting their bottom lines. Trading with the US would make Japan very much like a domestic US company since employees' salaries, subcontractors' charges, and even local Japanese taxes would all be dollar denominated. Exports would remain competitive, and revenues from these exports would not lose value due to a rise in currency values.
2. Japanese companies would have the advantages of local US companies but none of the disadvantages since they would not have to pay US federal or state taxes. This might result in a repatriation of many of the manufacturing jobs that have been exported to the US over the past 30 years. These could be allocated to the disaster stricken areas and provide a huge lift to the local economies there.
3. Natural resource suppliers are usually paid in dollars, so this switchover to the US currency would stabilize prices for these key supplies.
4. Japan's foreign exchange reserves, much of which is held in US Government bonds, would suddenly show good returns (relative to Japanese investments) and would no longer lose large amounts of value due to currency exchange fluctuations. US bonds bought only as long ago as 2001 would have cost the Japanese government 121.05 yen per dollar. If those bonds matured today (11/7), they would be worth only ??? per dollar, a whopping loss of ???%.
5. China seems to be trying to undermine Japan's effort to weaken its currency, so a switch to the US dollar would completely eviscerate that kind of underhanded geo-political move.
(No offense, China.)
6. The costs of printing new bills, and dealing with old money would be sent off-shore, saving the Bank of Japan millions of dollars in printing and currency management processes.
7. By attaching its financial system to the greenback, Japan's S&P rating would go from its current AA– to a more attractive AA+. Since the currency is the US currency, however, the Japanese government, like individual states in the US, would not be in the position of having to pay interest on bonds other than those they issued. The higher rating would tend to make that interest rate lower.
8. Suddenly being adopted by the number three economy on the planet, the dollar would immediately strengthen in value, giving Japan's economy a huge boost at a time when they desperately need that additional leverage.
9. Interest rates would go up giving Japanese consumers a better return on their investments.

Of course, it would not be a completely rosy change. What would be the deficits of such a move?
1. ATM machines, banks and bankers and the economy as a whole would have to be retooled to accept the new money.
2. Japanese coins would have to be "reinnumerated" so that they could be continued to be used for some time, as getting US coinage would be problematic. This would not be a big problem: the 500 yen coin would be $5, 100 yen $1.00 and so on down the list. While this may look like a one-to-one hundred dollar-yen exchange, way higher than the current rate, this would not necessarily be the rate that Japanese currency would be purchased by the government from consumers. The use of the coinage in this way would take place after the paper money was already in circulation.
3. It would remove the Japanese yen as one of the top foreign reserve currencies, forcing other nations to put more of their reserves into other currencies, probably the US dollar. Japan would lose its unique access to international borrowing.
4. Interest rates would go up making mortgages and other capital purchases more expensive. In the same way that state by state interest rates in the US are very nearly the same, Japanese rates would inevitably fall into step with them as Japan's banks and lending institutions would be using the same currency.
5. The "touchy-feely" aspects of having your own currency would be lost, but the Euro community did it (so far), and I haven't heard a lot of whining about not being able to use Lira, Francs, or Deutsche Marks recently.

While the minuses of such an action seem troubling, none of them is insurmountable and the benefits of the switch are so clearly worthwhile that the Japanese government should take immediate steps during this current round of dollar purchases to get enough of the currency to implement this plan.
There... now that THIS is taken care of, I can go back to sitting around and doing nothing useful again.
Where's the wine?

– – – – – – – – – –
*Thanks to the Bank of Japan for helping me get some of this data. Cheers!

Nuclear Power in Dog Years

Every now and then something appears in the news that regardless of how often you read it through still resists understanding. A recent article about the costs of nuclear accidents presents just such a problem.
Since many of you are probably too tired to read the whole report (it IS Monday), the pertinent point is copied below.
"According to the subcommittee (of the Japan Atomic Energy Commission), the total operating hours of Japan's nuclear reactors to date is equivalent to more than 1,400 years. Due to the fact that the Fukushima power plant's three nuclear reactors experienced severe accidents, the subcommittee estimated such incidents would occur once in every 500 years."
Now YOU know and *I know that the nuclear power plants at Fukushima were first commissioned in 1971. Now I am not good at math, but that seems to be something like 40 years ago. Am I missing something?
A Hard Hitting News Hound doesn't stop there, however, he goes for the in-depth look at the issues. I needed to talk to someone on the spot and scored an interview with Mr. Hosha Sen of the Japan Atomic Energy Commission Subcommittee.
His secretary showed me into his office where he was busily taking papers off of one pile, stamping them and putting them on another pile. A cigarette with a long ash dangled from his lip.

Mr. Sen: Who are you?
HHNH: I am the reporter who requested the interview with you today.
Mr. Sen: Nobody said anything about a foreigner....
HHNH: I'm sorry...
Mr. Sen: No matter... I am happy to explain the virtues of nuclear power to anyone and to make clear how it is our only hope for a continued supply of energy for today and going forward.
HHNH: Yes....
Mr. Sen: The public demands electricity! And we have the means to provide it safely and in large quantities well into the future!
HHNH: Yes.... um... What I am interested in asking is about a recent news release from your subcommittee about the frequency of nuclear accidents?
Mr. Sen: Yes? (He arranges the stamped papers into a neat pile and pats it thoughtfully.)
HHNH: Your subcommittee said that an accident would only occur every 500 years and that the power plants had already been in operation for 1400 years.
Mr. Sen: Yes! It just goes to show how open we are and eager to err on the side of safety. The 500 year calculation is actually based on the total 1400 years of operation. If we were to be completely accurate we would have divided the 1400 years by 3 and come up with an unrounded figure of 466.66 years. But since we want to make things easier for the public to understand, we rounded it up — UP, mind you! — to 500. (He sat back in his chair with a very satisfied look on his face.)
HHNH: I see... Correct me if I am wrong here, but weren't the nuclear power plants built in 1971? I don't remember reading about them in the Kojiki (ancient Japanese text).
Mr. Sen: HA HA! You foreigners with your jokes! (He flicks the ash off his cigarette.) Let me see if I can explain this in a way that even YOU will understand. (He looks at me like I probably won't.) You see... nuclear power plants use a different way of calculating years. Hmm... how can I explain this to someone who doesn't understand anything.... Well... you know how they say a dog ages 6 years for every year a human ages?
HHNH: Uh...yes?
Mr. Sen: Good... you grasp the principle then. Nuclear power plants are like dogs. Of course WE know the power plants in Fukushima were commissioned in 1971; WE monitored their construction! That was 40 human years ago. However for the nuclear power plants, that was 1400 years ago. Do you get it?
HHNH: Sort of...
Mr. Sen: Good. The 1400 years of operation is actually ALL of the nuclear power plants in Japan, so the fact that we had an incident at Fukushima's three reactors means that we can expect an episode every 500 years or so. Which means that nuclear power is very safe!
HHNH: But... but...
Mr. Sen: I mean, what other power supplier can say that they won't have an accident but once every 500 years?! NONE! (He hits the table with his fist.) None I tell you!
HHNH: But...
Mr. Sen: Thank you for coming around today... Mr.... Mr... Mr. Foreigner? The secretary will show you the way out.

There you have it. We can trust that we won't have another nuclear incident until 2511 or 2050, depending on whether it's nuclear power plant years or human years we count.
I am so relieved.