Today's post is not funny; it's amusing.
Nationalities according to Google
I asked two questions: one beginning with "Why are ~" and the other beginning with "Why do~", hoping I would get a "snapshot" of a nationality from Google's algorithm related to how many people ask a question. Some of the answers have been linked. Additionally, since my computer is in a foreign country, the answers I get are probably different from those resulting from a similar search in – say – the United States. I noticed, for example, that many of the answers came from UK rather than US sites, suggesting that the default search in English from a foreign country might direct you to the UK. Additionally, a repeat of some questions often generates another result, though the one on the list below was among the top few. (Unfortunately you cannot add a table easily to a blogger file, so you will have to live with my lousy columns.)
The questions:
Why are... Why do...
Americans so stupid? (maybe there is a connection to >) Americans love guns?
Argentinians so white? Argentinians say 'che'?
Australians so hot? Australians say 'mate'?
Brazilians so bad at video games? Brazilians have one name?
Canadians afraid of the dark? Canadians say 'eh'?
Chinese people so loud? Chinese people wear masks?
Dutch people so tall? (It's true) Dutch people wear clogs?
English people so pale? English people say 'bloody'?
Finns so shy? Finns hate the Russians?
French people called frogs? French hate America?
Germans so smart? Germans hate America?
Greeks dark skinned? Greeks hate Turkey?
Indians so rude? Indians worship cows?
Iranians so rich? Iranians think they are white?
Italians called guineas? Italians have dark skin?
Japanese people so healthy? Japanese wear masks?
Koreans so rude? Koreans hate Japs? (Japs!?)
Malaysians obsessed with crabs? Malaysians say 'la'?
Mexicans short? Mexicans stare?
Mongolians nomads? Mongolians hate Chinese?
New Zealanders called 'kiwis'? New Zealanders hate Australians?
Nigerians so tall? Nigerian scams work? (The first entry for the people themselves was #3
after "Why do Nigerian men lie", "Why do Nigerians speak English?")
North Koreans starving? North Koreans defect? (#2 was "Why do North Koreans cry?", similar to the Japanese question.)
Norwegians so happy? Norwegians speak English? (#2 was interesting too, "Why do Norwegians look Asian?")
Pakistanis so tall? Pakistanis marry cousins? (!)
Polish people so strong? Poles come to the UK? (But "Why do Polish people drink so much?")
Russians so mean? Russians drive so bad? (This was #2 after "Why do Russians have dash cameras?" as a result of the many videos related to the meteor strike.)
Saudis so rich? Saudis look Indian? (?)
Spaniards so racist? Spaniards lisp?
South Africans white? South Africans say 'bru'?
(also "Why do South Americans look Asian?")
Swedes so tall? Swedes scream? (Who knew?)
Swiss people dark? Why do Swiss
stare?
Thai people so dark? Thai people love their king?
Turks so nationalistic? Turks have blue eyes?
Vietnamese called gooks? Vietnamese do nails?
And finally
people gay? people yawn?
In Japanese
In Japanese Google search it was not possible to ask the "Why are ~ , Why do ~ questions so neatly because of the Japanese language, so they are combined below with a generic question like: Why (nationality)? For many of the nationalities in the English list above, there were no clear results to the search.
Why are Americans fat? #2 was "Why do Americans like bacon so much?" (kinda explains the first one, no?)
Why do Brazilians dislike Facebook?
Why do Canadians like hockey so much?
Why do Chinese hate Japanese?
Why don't the English use their umbrellas?
Why are the Finns so strong in WRC competitions (car racing)?
Why do the French hate Americans? (similar to the English search result)
Why do so many Filipinos speak English?
Why do Germans have such a high environmental consciousness?
Why don't Greeks work?
Why do Indians lie?
Why are Japanese so childish?
Why do Koreans like plastic surgery so much? Why are Koreans so ugly?
Why do North Koreans grieve so elaborately?
Why are so many Malaysians Japanophiles?
Why don't Mexicans get bald?
Why are Mongolians so good at Sumo (Japanese wrestling)?
Why are New Zealanders called 'kiwis'? (only one that was the same as in English)
Why do Nigerians cause so many crimes in Japan?
Why do Pakistanis like the Toyota Mark II so much? #2 was "Why are Pakistanis so egotistical?"
Why are Russian women so beautiful?
Why don't Singaporeans say Japanese are bad?
Why are Spanish good at soccer despite being small?
Why are Swedes good at English?
Why do Swiss people ask the question, "Why did Japanese kill so many Chinese?"
Why do Taiwanese like Japan?
Why won't Thai people get into a hot bath (Japanese-style)?
Why are Vietnamese so often named 'Guen' (Japanese pronunciation of Nguyen)?
And finally
Why do people run?
Analysis
Naturally there is an interest in appearance with both the English searchers and their Japanese counterparts, curious about why people look the way they do. Japanese tend to focus more on their own culture as others in the world relate to it, but this is probably simply a function of the broader nationality spread among English-language web surfers. English searchers seem to be more interested in racial qualities (white or dark) than are Japanese surfers.
I have no clue why English readers seem to think so many other nationalities stare: Mexicans and Swiss on the list, but also Germans and others in the #2 or #3 position. Eye contact is an important point of body language, and how long we hold that connection and its meaning is determined by the culture we live in; think of our expression "shifty-eyed", so maybe these nationalities have a different eye contact "time limit" than we do in our culture.
Some of the peripheral information that was generated by these searches WAS actually funny. In the result "Why are Australians so hot?", for example, one answer explained what was needed to "get a hot Australian woman". Included in the requirements was "making a mean BBQ" and "be a social alcoholic" because "it's un-Australian not to have a binge drinking problem".
Monday, February 25, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Breaking News!
Pope to Become Ayatollah
(Feb. 18) Rueters — In a stunning development, recently retired Pope Benedict XVI has indicated that he will move to Iran after being offered a job as an Ayatollah in the Muslim clergy there. A spokesman for the former Pope described the move as one he had been considering for several years.Faced with growing demands for the inclusion of more women, and other liberalizing trends in the Roman Church, the Pope was described as feeling "a more common mission with the Mullahs in Iran", according to a spokesman for the former Catholic leader. When asked about the Pontiff's physical and mental health, the spokesman claimed that the planned move to Iran has given him "a new lease on life".
Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation from his post as the leader of the Roman Catholic church only a week ago, predicting that his departure would have no ill effect on the Church. He was the first Pope to retire in 600 years.
In recent years, the Vatican has been plagued with problems of priestly pedophilia and increasing pressures from within the female community to bring more women into decision-making roles. His firm stance against birth control has alienated many in the United States where a large majority of Catholic women have used artificial birth control in direct defiance of their religion's teachings. These problems — along with internal political disorder revealed by his butler — has made the Pope look weak and indecisive, unable to cope with a world changing around him.
The same spokesman stated that the retired Pope was looking forward to taking up his new responsibilities in Iran, insisting that the former Pontiff was "eager to implement religious doctrine as it should be implemented, not worrying about what everyone around him was thinking". Being able to issue "fatwas" without needing doctrinal support was also said to be one of the attractions for the former Vicar of Christ's move. His spokesman quoted him as saying that the first fatwa he would issue would be "against the use of birth control in the Muslim faith".
When asked about Benedict XVI's adjustment to the Muslim faith itself, the spokesman claimed that he "effortlessly made the transition from Hitler Youth to the Papacy, so the move to Iran will pose no special problems". He also stated that the Pope had not been looking forward to retiring to the convent as originally planned, saying the Pontiff felt that it might be seen as "less than manly" to live in a convent. The reduced amount of mixing with the public and relaxed travel schedule of an Ayatollah was also said to have been one of the appeals of the transition.
Spokesmen for Ayatollah Khamenei, the current religious leader of Iran, said that they welcomed the Pope into their midst and looked forward to working with him in the years ahead. They were delighted that someone of his stature would convert to the Muslim faith. When asked if there would be any difficulties for the new member of their elite community, a spokesman said that since the Pope was a child of Hitler's Germany and probably not circumcised as a result, that procedure would be the first test of his new devotion.
In response to queries from the media about whether masses of Catholic faithful might follow their former leader into Islam, no spokesperson from the Vatican was available for comment.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Daioyu Dilemma and the Senkaku Solution
Most of you are not aware of it, but I majored in Political Science at university (along with a minor in chess and ... um... herbal therapy). My interest in international politics remains keen, and while I usually try to yuck it up here in these posts, sometimes I like to apply my expertise and long experience to the problems of the day, coming to a thoughtful solution.
One does like to be helpful.
As you must know by now, the Chinese and the Japanese have been exchanging unpleasantries over a group of tiny islands north of Taiwan. The Chinese refer to these islands as the Daioyu, while the Japanese call them the Senkaku Islands.
The Chinese lay claim to them because they appear on maps from ancient times.
The Japanese, for their part, insist on their rights to the islands partly because the Chinese signed them away to the Japanese. Japanese have lived on the islands in modern times; there is no evidence that Chinese ever lived there.
Basically, each country has a claim to them, and now that it seems there might be large natural gas or oil reserves under them, both countries would like to strengthen their rights to mine them.
The nastiness took a turn for the worst this past week with Japan claiming that Chinese warships "painted" Japanese warships with their fire-control radar, clearly an aggressive act. The Chinese deny it, naturally, but the unpleasantness has now taken on a darker hue.
The Daioyu/Senkaku Islands, what are we talking about here? First, they are made up of several little islands and rocky outcrops, none of which amounts to very much. The total land area is 7 km² (2.7 mi²).
"How big is that," you ask?
Thank you for asking, because I went to a lot of trouble to come up with some comparisons that would make sense to a variety of people. Their total land area is roughly double the area of Central Park in New York City, for example.
Never been to New York? They are a little over three times as big as Hyde Park in London or a third the size of Richmond Park in that same city. Their land area is a little larger than Lane Cove Park in the Sydney area, one third the size of tiny Iwo Jima, the island fought over during World War II. They are as big as 1307 American football fields (including the end zones) or 980 average soccer pitches. A chunk of Greenland ice of the same size just broke off and fell into the sea.
Anyway, you get the picture. We are not talking about a huge land mass here.
So what can be done about this problem? How can the "It's mine!" "No, it's mine!!" back and forth between Japan and China be resolved?
No, giving them to North Korea is not an option.
In the interest of world peace and win-win solutions to world problems, I have racked my brains to come up with a reasonable solution. The issue that puts a wrench into any diplomatic resolution seems to be the existence of the islands themselves.
"Duh!" You say? "Of course the islands are the problem! Moron!"
Yes, exactly, and I really don't like your attitude.
If you think about it, two important countries are at the edge of conflict over tiny scraps of land out in the middle of the ocean, islands. According to international law, an island is defined as any land that remains above water at high tide, lands that are partially covered at high tide are called "shoals" or "rocks".
The solution to this island problem is obvious. The islands need to be removed.
"HAHAHA!! Moron! You can't remove the islands!" I hear you laughing all the way over here in Japan, and I am really not liking you or your attitude.
Remember what we are talking about here. Only one island stands very high above sea level, Uotsuri-jima with a tall peak on it that reaches 383 meters (1256 ft.). In terms of earth volume they are not that great. Japan, for example, has moved enough earth to build two artificial islands in Kobe harbor, Port Island, built from 1966 to 1981 with an area of 5.23 km² (2 mi²), and Rokko Island, built between 1973 and 1992 with an area of 5.8 km² (2.24 mi²). The total amount of land area is significantly larger than that of the Senkaku Islands. In the United States, the huge Hull-Rust-Mahoning Open Pit Iron Mine in Minnesota covers an area of 13.6 km² (5.25 mi²) almost double the area of the Senkaku Islands, and with a depth in places of almost 200 meters (600 ft.), the amount of earth removed dwarfs the amount that would need to be scoured from the islands.
Removing the islands would be a big project; the removed earth would have to be dispersed locally. The waters are not very deep at about 100 to 150 meters, but there is plenty of room to spread the rock and other island debris so that it does not come above sea level at low tide.
Once removed, the area would be open sea, away from territorial claims by either Japan or China. As part of the island removal plan, an agreement could be reached to jointly develop the resources that might lie below. The former islands, then well below low tide levels, could be used as close-to-the-surface platform bases for oil rig placements. The resource exploration costs could be split 50/50 and any resources developed could be split similarly.
A contentious issue can be resolved in a win-win way for both sides, contributing to area peace and stability.
A Nobel Peace Prize nomination might be in the offing!
And now for the Palestine-Israeli problem... I guess bulldozing them into the sea might be a bit much technologically. You think?
One does like to be helpful.
As you must know by now, the Chinese and the Japanese have been exchanging unpleasantries over a group of tiny islands north of Taiwan. The Chinese refer to these islands as the Daioyu, while the Japanese call them the Senkaku Islands.
The Chinese lay claim to them because they appear on maps from ancient times.
The Japanese, for their part, insist on their rights to the islands partly because the Chinese signed them away to the Japanese. Japanese have lived on the islands in modern times; there is no evidence that Chinese ever lived there.
Basically, each country has a claim to them, and now that it seems there might be large natural gas or oil reserves under them, both countries would like to strengthen their rights to mine them.
The nastiness took a turn for the worst this past week with Japan claiming that Chinese warships "painted" Japanese warships with their fire-control radar, clearly an aggressive act. The Chinese deny it, naturally, but the unpleasantness has now taken on a darker hue.
The Daioyu/Senkaku Islands, what are we talking about here? First, they are made up of several little islands and rocky outcrops, none of which amounts to very much. The total land area is 7 km² (2.7 mi²).
"How big is that," you ask?
Thank you for asking, because I went to a lot of trouble to come up with some comparisons that would make sense to a variety of people. Their total land area is roughly double the area of Central Park in New York City, for example.
Never been to New York? They are a little over three times as big as Hyde Park in London or a third the size of Richmond Park in that same city. Their land area is a little larger than Lane Cove Park in the Sydney area, one third the size of tiny Iwo Jima, the island fought over during World War II. They are as big as 1307 American football fields (including the end zones) or 980 average soccer pitches. A chunk of Greenland ice of the same size just broke off and fell into the sea.
Anyway, you get the picture. We are not talking about a huge land mass here.
So what can be done about this problem? How can the "It's mine!" "No, it's mine!!" back and forth between Japan and China be resolved?
No, giving them to North Korea is not an option.
In the interest of world peace and win-win solutions to world problems, I have racked my brains to come up with a reasonable solution. The issue that puts a wrench into any diplomatic resolution seems to be the existence of the islands themselves.
"Duh!" You say? "Of course the islands are the problem! Moron!"
Yes, exactly, and I really don't like your attitude.
If you think about it, two important countries are at the edge of conflict over tiny scraps of land out in the middle of the ocean, islands. According to international law, an island is defined as any land that remains above water at high tide, lands that are partially covered at high tide are called "shoals" or "rocks".
The solution to this island problem is obvious. The islands need to be removed.
"HAHAHA!! Moron! You can't remove the islands!" I hear you laughing all the way over here in Japan, and I am really not liking you or your attitude.
Remember what we are talking about here. Only one island stands very high above sea level, Uotsuri-jima with a tall peak on it that reaches 383 meters (1256 ft.). In terms of earth volume they are not that great. Japan, for example, has moved enough earth to build two artificial islands in Kobe harbor, Port Island, built from 1966 to 1981 with an area of 5.23 km² (2 mi²), and Rokko Island, built between 1973 and 1992 with an area of 5.8 km² (2.24 mi²). The total amount of land area is significantly larger than that of the Senkaku Islands. In the United States, the huge Hull-Rust-Mahoning Open Pit Iron Mine in Minnesota covers an area of 13.6 km² (5.25 mi²) almost double the area of the Senkaku Islands, and with a depth in places of almost 200 meters (600 ft.), the amount of earth removed dwarfs the amount that would need to be scoured from the islands.
Removing the islands would be a big project; the removed earth would have to be dispersed locally. The waters are not very deep at about 100 to 150 meters, but there is plenty of room to spread the rock and other island debris so that it does not come above sea level at low tide.
Once removed, the area would be open sea, away from territorial claims by either Japan or China. As part of the island removal plan, an agreement could be reached to jointly develop the resources that might lie below. The former islands, then well below low tide levels, could be used as close-to-the-surface platform bases for oil rig placements. The resource exploration costs could be split 50/50 and any resources developed could be split similarly.
A contentious issue can be resolved in a win-win way for both sides, contributing to area peace and stability.
A Nobel Peace Prize nomination might be in the offing!
And now for the Palestine-Israeli problem... I guess bulldozing them into the sea might be a bit much technologically. You think?
Monday, February 4, 2013
Saving the Japanese (again)
Sometimes, we have to be serious.
Life is uncompromising in its demands, and we cannot just sit by, swill wine and ignore them.
As I have posted in previous articles here, here, and here (please read them for important background information), the Japanese are in grave danger of becoming extinct.
Yes, you read correctly, extinct.
We're talking dodo extinct.
Finally some people seem to be listening, and the issue is popping up in the news more frequently. The airwaves and newspaper columns are rampant with serious discussions about the causes of – and solutions to – this desperate problem.
There are grave worries:
Men and women basically live separate lives, young women don't want to marry Japanese men, and even those who ARE married can't handle becoming moms. What becomes of your youthful image after all?
If nothing is done, what happens? This is not the US House of Representatives we are talking about here, there are serious ramifications to Japan sitting on its butt and doing nothing; the people of Japan could disappear!
Even Japanese academics, long noted for myopic research into whatever seems most clearly unrelated to reality, are starting to weigh in with opinions on this matter. One such academic at Sofia University in Tokyo is recommending that the national government establish birth quotas to enable Japan to pull itself out of this death spiral and restore the nation to its future of high-flying grandeur.
Curious about how this view was being regarded by the national government, I pulled some strings and got an interview with Vice Sub-Assistant Secretary Chikan of the National Policy Unit. His secretary, a very attractive, young woman, showed me into his office.
Secretary: Mr. Chikan? This is Mr. Pterosaurish to interview you about Japan's population problem. Mr. Pterosaurish? This is Vice Sub-Assistant Secretary Chikan. (she bowed politely and backed out of the room, closing the heavy door as she backed away.)
Mr. Chikan: (in Japanese) They didn't say anything about a foreigner. Do you speak Japanese?
Me: Some.
Mr. C: Oh! Your Japanese is excellent. I am surprised! Very good, indeed! You must have a Japanese wife!
Me: Um... no...
Mr. C: Excellent! Excellent! Your pronunciation is very good! Wonderful!
What are you interested in asking me?
Me: The reason I am here is to ask you what you think about the recommendations of some academics to establish national birth rate quotas to prevent the decline of the Japanese population.
Mr. C: Yes, I am familiar with them and we, here at the National Policy Unit, are studying the problem. You see, we have a difficult issue with young Japanese men (he fidgeted uncomfortably). I am sure you are familiar with the – so called – "herbivore men" problem? (he looked at me as if he hoped I might not be familiar with it)
Me: Yes, I have read about that in the papers.
Mr. C: Oh! You have? Very good! Very good! (he spoke as if to a child who used the toilet for the first time)
Yes, these men – can you BELIEVE it? – refuse to have any dealings with women. Do you realize that as much as 70% of the male population in these prime, child-producing age groups are herbivores? They have no interest in having girlfriends at all!
Me: What do you plan to do about this problem? Bring in foreign carnivores?
Mr. C: (explosively) Are you out of your mind?! Foreigners?!! (spittle began to collect in the corners of his mouth) Did you know that 10% of marriages in the Tokyo area are already international connections; we don't need any more of that!
No offense, but I just can't see what benefit OUR gene pool would get out of encouraging foreigners to come in and reproduce with our women! (he looked at me as if I might have been thinking about reproducing with their women)
Me: Well, it might increase the number of children.
Mr. C: Nonsense! We Japanese must save ourselves on our own; we cannot allow any more mixing than has already taken place. What would Japan BE, if everyone looked like a mix?
Me: Still here at the end of the century?
Mr. C: Ha! Very funny Mr. Pterosaurish. No! That is not what we in Prime Minister Abe's new government are thinking about as a counter strategy.
Me: What do you have in mind then?
Mr. C: Well, as I just mentioned, almost all of your herbivore types are in their 20s and 30s. They're young. So this means that there is a vast pool of young women whose ... how shall I put this?.... whose "needs" are going unmet! Heh heh heh.... (a blotchy blush spread across his cheeks)
Me: I see...
Mr. C: On the other hand (he continued breezily), there are a lot of civil servants in their 40s and 50s who are most assuredly NOT herbivores, like ME for example! (he puffed out his chest and smoothed his "bar code" comb-over hair with his finger tips) Plus, men in this group tend to be fairly well off and able to take on additional responsibilities for their country.
Me: Um... so what are you planning exactly?
Mr. C: Numerical targets tend to take on a life of their own, so we need to be prepared and establish reliable guidelines and policies now. We think that we can offer either tax advantages, cash-grant incentives or a combination of both to men in public service to take on mistresses. Many politicians have also been eager to be included in this program, displaying their dedication to the nation and their concern for its survival.
Me: What makes you think this will work out?
Mr. C: Well, we already know that unmarried couples in Japan have more children than married couples, so we will simply be building on an existing trend! All we need are the proper inducements.
Me: And the consequences of failure?
Mr. C: Failure?! Have you not heard of Viagra? We can include free prescriptions as a part of the incentive package.
Me: No... I meant the failure of the policy.
Mr. C: Oh! Yes... well... if we fail in this policy, we will no longer be able to support our senior citizens and will face a rapidly declining population. Even Finance Minister Aso's proposal that old people just "hurry up and die", while helpful over the short term, won't make for a growing population full of vitality. We cannot allow our policy to fail.
Me: Well... I certainly wish you well and hope for all the best. I wouldn't want my pension fund to run out due to a lack of young people, paying into it!
Mr. C: We and all the male members of the civil service and many politicians as well will do our best (he bowed his head dramatically, showing his sincerity and dedication to the cause).
Me: Thank you for your time.
Mr. C: Thank you for coming. And I would like to remind you once again that we are not looking for foreign participation in this program.
Me: I understand.
- - - - - - - - - -
And now the moment you have all been waiting for, the answer to last week's Bonus Questions!!
1. Aerial
a. chips (crisps, if you're British)
b. car
c. deodorant spray
d. laundry detergent
2. Aha
a. chocolate cookie
b. face soap
c. car
d. tampon
3. ACUO (all caps)
a. car
b. body thermometer
c. gum
d. vitality drink
4. Noah
a. laundry detergent
b. furniture polish
c. kitty litter
d. car
5. Speedy
a. car
b. deodorant
c. gum
d. instant soup
Life is uncompromising in its demands, and we cannot just sit by, swill wine and ignore them.
As I have posted in previous articles here, here, and here (please read them for important background information), the Japanese are in grave danger of becoming extinct.
Yes, you read correctly, extinct.
We're talking dodo extinct.
Finally some people seem to be listening, and the issue is popping up in the news more frequently. The airwaves and newspaper columns are rampant with serious discussions about the causes of – and solutions to – this desperate problem.
There are grave worries:
Men and women basically live separate lives, young women don't want to marry Japanese men, and even those who ARE married can't handle becoming moms. What becomes of your youthful image after all?
If nothing is done, what happens? This is not the US House of Representatives we are talking about here, there are serious ramifications to Japan sitting on its butt and doing nothing; the people of Japan could disappear!
Even Japanese academics, long noted for myopic research into whatever seems most clearly unrelated to reality, are starting to weigh in with opinions on this matter. One such academic at Sofia University in Tokyo is recommending that the national government establish birth quotas to enable Japan to pull itself out of this death spiral and restore the nation to its future of high-flying grandeur.
Curious about how this view was being regarded by the national government, I pulled some strings and got an interview with Vice Sub-Assistant Secretary Chikan of the National Policy Unit. His secretary, a very attractive, young woman, showed me into his office.
Secretary: Mr. Chikan? This is Mr. Pterosaurish to interview you about Japan's population problem. Mr. Pterosaurish? This is Vice Sub-Assistant Secretary Chikan. (she bowed politely and backed out of the room, closing the heavy door as she backed away.)
Mr. Chikan: (in Japanese) They didn't say anything about a foreigner. Do you speak Japanese?
Me: Some.
Mr. C: Oh! Your Japanese is excellent. I am surprised! Very good, indeed! You must have a Japanese wife!
Me: Um... no...
Mr. C: Excellent! Excellent! Your pronunciation is very good! Wonderful!
What are you interested in asking me?
Me: The reason I am here is to ask you what you think about the recommendations of some academics to establish national birth rate quotas to prevent the decline of the Japanese population.
Mr. C: Yes, I am familiar with them and we, here at the National Policy Unit, are studying the problem. You see, we have a difficult issue with young Japanese men (he fidgeted uncomfortably). I am sure you are familiar with the – so called – "herbivore men" problem? (he looked at me as if he hoped I might not be familiar with it)
Me: Yes, I have read about that in the papers.
Mr. C: Oh! You have? Very good! Very good! (he spoke as if to a child who used the toilet for the first time)
Yes, these men – can you BELIEVE it? – refuse to have any dealings with women. Do you realize that as much as 70% of the male population in these prime, child-producing age groups are herbivores? They have no interest in having girlfriends at all!
Me: What do you plan to do about this problem? Bring in foreign carnivores?
Mr. C: (explosively) Are you out of your mind?! Foreigners?!! (spittle began to collect in the corners of his mouth) Did you know that 10% of marriages in the Tokyo area are already international connections; we don't need any more of that!
No offense, but I just can't see what benefit OUR gene pool would get out of encouraging foreigners to come in and reproduce with our women! (he looked at me as if I might have been thinking about reproducing with their women)
Me: Well, it might increase the number of children.
Mr. C: Nonsense! We Japanese must save ourselves on our own; we cannot allow any more mixing than has already taken place. What would Japan BE, if everyone looked like a mix?
Me: Still here at the end of the century?
Mr. C: Ha! Very funny Mr. Pterosaurish. No! That is not what we in Prime Minister Abe's new government are thinking about as a counter strategy.
Me: What do you have in mind then?
Mr. C: Well, as I just mentioned, almost all of your herbivore types are in their 20s and 30s. They're young. So this means that there is a vast pool of young women whose ... how shall I put this?.... whose "needs" are going unmet! Heh heh heh.... (a blotchy blush spread across his cheeks)
Me: I see...
Mr. C: On the other hand (he continued breezily), there are a lot of civil servants in their 40s and 50s who are most assuredly NOT herbivores, like ME for example! (he puffed out his chest and smoothed his "bar code" comb-over hair with his finger tips) Plus, men in this group tend to be fairly well off and able to take on additional responsibilities for their country.
Me: Um... so what are you planning exactly?
Mr. C: Numerical targets tend to take on a life of their own, so we need to be prepared and establish reliable guidelines and policies now. We think that we can offer either tax advantages, cash-grant incentives or a combination of both to men in public service to take on mistresses. Many politicians have also been eager to be included in this program, displaying their dedication to the nation and their concern for its survival.
Me: What makes you think this will work out?
Mr. C: Well, we already know that unmarried couples in Japan have more children than married couples, so we will simply be building on an existing trend! All we need are the proper inducements.
Me: And the consequences of failure?
Mr. C: Failure?! Have you not heard of Viagra? We can include free prescriptions as a part of the incentive package.
Me: No... I meant the failure of the policy.
Mr. C: Oh! Yes... well... if we fail in this policy, we will no longer be able to support our senior citizens and will face a rapidly declining population. Even Finance Minister Aso's proposal that old people just "hurry up and die", while helpful over the short term, won't make for a growing population full of vitality. We cannot allow our policy to fail.
Me: Well... I certainly wish you well and hope for all the best. I wouldn't want my pension fund to run out due to a lack of young people, paying into it!
Mr. C: We and all the male members of the civil service and many politicians as well will do our best (he bowed his head dramatically, showing his sincerity and dedication to the cause).
Me: Thank you for your time.
Mr. C: Thank you for coming. And I would like to remind you once again that we are not looking for foreign participation in this program.
Me: I understand.
- - - - - - - - - -
And now the moment you have all been waiting for, the answer to last week's Bonus Questions!!
1. Aerial
a. chips (crisps, if you're British)
b. car
c. deodorant spray
d. laundry detergent
2. Aha
a. chocolate cookie
b. face soap
c. car
d. tampon
3. ACUO (all caps)
a. car
b. body thermometer
c. gum
d. vitality drink
4. Noah
a. laundry detergent
b. furniture polish
c. kitty litter
d. car
5. Speedy
a. car
b. deodorant
c. gum
d. instant soup
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