Recently a county judge in Texas (a Republican, of course) wanted to raise taxes to prevent the United Nations from invading his county. He himself was willing to stand in harm's way in front of their armored personnel carriers to prevent them from taking over. His seat is not in the fully upright and lock position, but there really is a much more serious threat.
A specter is haunting the United States, the specter of seniors rioting in the streets!
Yeah, you say?
Well... we are PISSED OFF and not going to TAKE it anymore!
Did you read this about the US Government buying up loads of ammunition to hold off a senior revolt when they cut off our Social Security and Medicare?
This is OBSCENE! They are buying hollow point ammunition so they can take on a senior insurrection.
HA! Do you know how out of touch they are?
We seniors .... first of all... are fat. Many of us. So we can absorb a lot of the hollow point ammunition without any effect! It will be like shooting huge marshmallows.
Not only THAT (don't mind the spittle on the screen here), we can also RETALIATE!
The government thinks we are helpless, old farts who can hardly walk.
HA!
We can do stuff back!
Yes!!
Stuff... like... well, we will think of it when the time comes.
But first we need to buff up and make sure we are physically in control. There is nothing worse than facing hollow point ammunition from the Social Security people when you cannot bend over backwards comfortably like that guy in Matrix and dodge the bullets.
So... the answer is... wait for it....
WINE!
Yes! We can overcome our adversaries by drinking more wine!
Apparently, if you drink red wine — a LOT of red wine — your balance will improve. With just a little work on our core muscles, we should be able to bend over backwards to avoid the bullets that the Social Security people fire at us when we man the barricades.
It is a lot of wine, however. We are talking something like several hundred bottles a day!
Yes... I know. No matter how good you are at drinking wine, there is no way that you can drink several hundred bottles of red wine a day to improve your balance. Four or five bottles is one thing (I have never noticed an improvement in balance. In fact I have fallen off my cushion on the floor with just 3 bottles), but when you get into the scores, this is a serious challenge.
So, here is the strategy.
When we seniors rise up, carrying our signs, "DON'T CANCEL OUR.... whatever it was!" or "LIVE FREE OR ... CHEAP AT LEAST!" or "DON'T TREAD ON .... my recently planted Hydrangeas", we also need to carry a lot of red wine too!
When the Social Security people come to suppress our rebellion, we must remember that they too are getting on in age and offer them some red wine. Tell them that the red wine will help them with their balance AND make them live longer and have more productive lives.
And THEN... when they are deep in their cups, swaying and singing kum-bah-yah arm-in-arm with us, we steal their guns and TAKE CONTROL!
We take control and STOP them from ending our... our.... what was it they were ending?
Monday, August 27, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Pussies Riot and Seniors Snooze
I was always under the impression that the Russian Orthodox Church was even more rigid and behind-the-times than the Roman Catholic Church, so I was surprised to hear that they had featured a "Pussy Riot" in one of their hallowed halls. I imagined either a cats' rights movement finding a new platform for expression, or – I confess – a new women's movement gaining an exciting venue for their "coming out". I planned to write something fun and interesting about how a hidebound religious organization might revitalize itself and catch up with the 19th (if not the 21st) Century!
As it turned out, neither of these was the actual situation, so .... never mind...
I am sorry.
Instead I will explore the soporific depths of senior sleep, following up on last week's entry with more helpful hints for a better life.
One common complaint from us older folk is that we just can't get enough sleep; we wake up at the crack-ass of dawn and don't feel rested. Of course, most of us don't count the three hours of snoozing in the armchair in front of the TV in the evenings as part of our sleep time, but even so, feeling rested is an important part of a healthy lifestyle.
Research shows, in fact, that seniors get on average as much sleep as they need, increasing from 35% of the day at age 55 to 64 to 39% of the day at age 75 and above. While not even close to "cat range", this still amounts to almost 9 hours of sleep for a mid-senior (65 to 74).
So clearly, quantity is not a problem for seniors. The issue is quality.
Not getting good sleep has been cited as leading people to choose the wrong foods to eat, for example. Vaccinations don't work as well if you don't sleep well, and so on. Getting your beauty rest is critical.
So what can we do to make sure that we get good, high-quality shut-eye?
1. REM (rapid eye movement) is linked to restful sleep, so you should take steps to assure that your eyes are ready to move when they are supposed to. You need to exercise your eyes by eye-rolling to prepare them for this important activity. In your spare moments, practice rolling your eyes up and down and side to side. You might want to be careful not to practice this while in meetings or when your spouse is talking to you. Just a suggestion.
2. Sleep routine is also critical:
As it turned out, neither of these was the actual situation, so .... never mind...
I am sorry.
Instead I will explore the soporific depths of senior sleep, following up on last week's entry with more helpful hints for a better life.
One common complaint from us older folk is that we just can't get enough sleep; we wake up at the crack-ass of dawn and don't feel rested. Of course, most of us don't count the three hours of snoozing in the armchair in front of the TV in the evenings as part of our sleep time, but even so, feeling rested is an important part of a healthy lifestyle.
Research shows, in fact, that seniors get on average as much sleep as they need, increasing from 35% of the day at age 55 to 64 to 39% of the day at age 75 and above. While not even close to "cat range", this still amounts to almost 9 hours of sleep for a mid-senior (65 to 74).
So clearly, quantity is not a problem for seniors. The issue is quality.
Not getting good sleep has been cited as leading people to choose the wrong foods to eat, for example. Vaccinations don't work as well if you don't sleep well, and so on. Getting your beauty rest is critical.
So what can we do to make sure that we get good, high-quality shut-eye?
1. REM (rapid eye movement) is linked to restful sleep, so you should take steps to assure that your eyes are ready to move when they are supposed to. You need to exercise your eyes by eye-rolling to prepare them for this important activity. In your spare moments, practice rolling your eyes up and down and side to side. You might want to be careful not to practice this while in meetings or when your spouse is talking to you. Just a suggestion.
2. Sleep routine is also critical:
- Be sure you sit in the same armchair at the same time and watch the same shows everyday to avoid disrupting your sleep routine.
- Sleep walking is something that many people do. Be sure that you walk the same routes and distances each time to assure the best sleep time possible.
- If you engage in sleep sex, called sexsomnia, be sure that you pursue the same partners in the same places every night. You don't want to wake up in some stranger's bed; this is very disorienting and disruptive of a good night's sleep.
3. If you wake up in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep, concentrate on relaxing. Review in your head the activities that put you to sleep in the first place: the sitting down in your easy chair, the eating of the TV dinner and the drinking of the six-pack of beer, the switching on and watching TV. The more detail you can add to this review will enable you to relax even more.
4. Don't snore or sleep with people who snore. Snoring will wake you up from bad dreams which involve power tools or large and dangerous animals. Snoring is caused by excess relaxation in your throat muscles. You can strengthen these by humming or singing. Add this exercise to your eye-rolling routine to ensure the best physical condition for sleep. (Once again, be cautious about eye-rolling and humming "mmhm... mmhm" when talking to your spouse.)
Making the most of your sleep time will bring many health benefits and guarantee that you can live a happier and more productive life. Strive for more and more sleep each day, focusing on quality as well as quantity. Eventually you might work your sleep time into extreme cat territory: a pussy riot dream time!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Advice for Seniors: Your Second Wind
In previous posts we have had a look at some of the issues that we seniors face as we age: dealing with forgetfulness, maintaining our mental acuity, and not appearing dead, just to mention a few. Of course these are important, broad concerns, but we also need to look at some of the humdrum, everyday aspects of our lives to make sure that we don't trip on them as we try to hold onto an active life. There is nothing worse than tripping on humdrum, everyday things and having to go to the hospital and then spending 3 months in rehab.
I can hear you asking, "What ARE some of these humdrum, everyday aspects that we might trip over?"
I can hear this because I have my hearing aid turned way up, and the mic is far from the earpiece, so I don't get that "pee-pah-PEEEEE.... the number you have reached is out of service at this time, please hang up and try again later" message.
First of all, one of the daily plagues that affects all seniors is flatulence. There just seems to be no end to it (har!), and it is often very difficult to control.
Let's use the popular question-and-answer format to look at some of the common causes of this problem and what steps we can take to lessen their impact.
Q1: I heard that increasing the roughage in my diet would help prevent cancer, but it also seems to have made me really gassy. What can I do about this?
A: You can join OPEC. Ha. Ha. Just kidding. Unfortunately, both low roughage and high roughage diets can cause gas, so you need to find the proper balance in your diet to reduce emissions to an acceptable level. Installing a gas meter for a week – say – to monitor your production might help you to determine which foods are the worst offenders.
Q2: I seem to have bloating and large amounts of gas after my evening meal everyday! This causes painful embarrassment around the house, especially when we have guests over. What might be the problem?
A: Seniors tend not to chew their foods effectively, often because their dentures fall out and get in the way. Chewing up dentures with the morning muesli is a common problem. It's much easier simply to swallow stuff whole. This, however, puts an extra strain on your intestines which resent this pressure and produce prodigious quantities of methane to get even. You can solve this problem by asking a family member or one of your guests to chew your food for you.
Explain that they will be thankful later.
Or, if this is not possible, you can put your food through a mulcher in the yard or a blender in the kitchen. Your guests will wonder about you drinking your hamburgers and hot dogs around the BBQ, but – once again – explain that they will be thankful later.
Q3: Sometimes I simply HAVE to release some fumes into the environment, but it is not in an appropriate setting. What can I do about this predicament?
A: Since everyone passes gas, the important point here is to make your release seem like it came from someone else. Sidle up to another person – preferably another senior – at the party, for example, and turn your backside towards them as you pretend to admire the art on the wall. Unleash your fumes in their direction.
Be careful; people fail in this technique by immediately dashing away, but residual exhaust will trail you and illuminate you as the offender.
Wait patiently until the cloud has completely settled around you and your target, then turn and with a look of disgust walk to the other side of the room. Timing is critical as they will also be turning to look at YOU with disgust.
Q4: This is the same question as number 3 above, but what should I do if I am seated?
A: If the seat has a cushion, like a sofa, you might be able to get away with a quick fumigation, hoping the material will be absorbent enough to hold the gas until fracking miners can come and drill it as a natural resource later. If the chair is a hard one, however, you are in deep trouble. There is nothing you can effectively do to prevent the gas-escape, and since the chair is smooth and hard, the noxious fumes will announce their arrival with an inappropriately obnoxious sound. Trying to cover the sound up with loud coughing or a fake sneeze will only convince the others in the room that you are responsible.
You will have to resign your position on the Board.
Q5: I have this ghastly dream where I am pumped up like a balloon and let go. I fly out of control around the room with this squeaky, hissing sound. When I hit the wall, I wake up and discover that my bed is filled with a hideous smell. What can I do about this problem?
A: Never get married for one thing. Another step you can take is to practice "lucid dreaming", a technique that allows you to control the content of your dreams. Once you gain skills in this regimen, you should be able to dream yourself some sort of cork or tie-off that will hold you until morning.
I thought I would be able to discuss senior sleep problems today too, but we have run out of time and, I am sitting in a hard chair and need to move immediately.
I can hear you asking, "What ARE some of these humdrum, everyday aspects that we might trip over?"
I can hear this because I have my hearing aid turned way up, and the mic is far from the earpiece, so I don't get that "pee-pah-PEEEEE.... the number you have reached is out of service at this time, please hang up and try again later" message.
First of all, one of the daily plagues that affects all seniors is flatulence. There just seems to be no end to it (har!), and it is often very difficult to control.
Let's use the popular question-and-answer format to look at some of the common causes of this problem and what steps we can take to lessen their impact.
Q1: I heard that increasing the roughage in my diet would help prevent cancer, but it also seems to have made me really gassy. What can I do about this?
A: You can join OPEC. Ha. Ha. Just kidding. Unfortunately, both low roughage and high roughage diets can cause gas, so you need to find the proper balance in your diet to reduce emissions to an acceptable level. Installing a gas meter for a week – say – to monitor your production might help you to determine which foods are the worst offenders.
Q2: I seem to have bloating and large amounts of gas after my evening meal everyday! This causes painful embarrassment around the house, especially when we have guests over. What might be the problem?
A: Seniors tend not to chew their foods effectively, often because their dentures fall out and get in the way. Chewing up dentures with the morning muesli is a common problem. It's much easier simply to swallow stuff whole. This, however, puts an extra strain on your intestines which resent this pressure and produce prodigious quantities of methane to get even. You can solve this problem by asking a family member or one of your guests to chew your food for you.
Explain that they will be thankful later.
Or, if this is not possible, you can put your food through a mulcher in the yard or a blender in the kitchen. Your guests will wonder about you drinking your hamburgers and hot dogs around the BBQ, but – once again – explain that they will be thankful later.
Q3: Sometimes I simply HAVE to release some fumes into the environment, but it is not in an appropriate setting. What can I do about this predicament?
A: Since everyone passes gas, the important point here is to make your release seem like it came from someone else. Sidle up to another person – preferably another senior – at the party, for example, and turn your backside towards them as you pretend to admire the art on the wall. Unleash your fumes in their direction.
Be careful; people fail in this technique by immediately dashing away, but residual exhaust will trail you and illuminate you as the offender.
Wait patiently until the cloud has completely settled around you and your target, then turn and with a look of disgust walk to the other side of the room. Timing is critical as they will also be turning to look at YOU with disgust.
Q4: This is the same question as number 3 above, but what should I do if I am seated?
A: If the seat has a cushion, like a sofa, you might be able to get away with a quick fumigation, hoping the material will be absorbent enough to hold the gas until fracking miners can come and drill it as a natural resource later. If the chair is a hard one, however, you are in deep trouble. There is nothing you can effectively do to prevent the gas-escape, and since the chair is smooth and hard, the noxious fumes will announce their arrival with an inappropriately obnoxious sound. Trying to cover the sound up with loud coughing or a fake sneeze will only convince the others in the room that you are responsible.
You will have to resign your position on the Board.
Q5: I have this ghastly dream where I am pumped up like a balloon and let go. I fly out of control around the room with this squeaky, hissing sound. When I hit the wall, I wake up and discover that my bed is filled with a hideous smell. What can I do about this problem?
A: Never get married for one thing. Another step you can take is to practice "lucid dreaming", a technique that allows you to control the content of your dreams. Once you gain skills in this regimen, you should be able to dream yourself some sort of cork or tie-off that will hold you until morning.
I thought I would be able to discuss senior sleep problems today too, but we have run out of time and, I am sitting in a hard chair and need to move immediately.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Original Sin is Not So Original
Did you know that there are more than 5 million Mormons in the US and more than 5 million believers in Voodoo in Haiti? And the voodoo believers do not wear magic underwear.
Just a thought.
Today, following up on last week's epiphany, I would like to discuss the curious concept of original sin. Original sin has been controversial over the ages; are we all sinners because of the transgressions of Eve and Adam, or are we merely tainted by their caving in to temptation? Either way, it's not a good thing for us. And isn't it odd that we even worry about stuff like this? I mean, what about the rent and medical bills, not to mention what to make for dinner tonight?
But (getting to my point) what if there was a misinterpretation? Maybe it's not too late to go back and look at the evidence and come to a different conclusion.
First, the relevant quotes from the Bible itself.
(Of course I use the King James version... duh?)
Genesis 2
16: And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
17: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
Lots of "thous" and "mayests", but you get the point, right?
If you eat the fruit, you will know good and evil and surely die.
The rest of the story is familiar, isn't it?
The serpent slithers down out of the tree and tempts naive Eve into eating the fruit. She in turn persuades Adam to take a bite, and the rest is serious history. God gets really ticked off and kicks them out of the Garden of Eden and also does not go kindly on the serpent either.
But let's look at the details.
What was the fruit they were forbidden to eat?
'Tweren't an apple.
It says right there in the Bible that it was the fruit from "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil".
What simple conclusion can we draw from this statement in the Bible?
Clearly Adam and Eve did not know right from wrong, good from evil UNTIL they ate the fruit.
Which means that God (in "his" wisdom) might have been a little hasty in penalizing the couple for their indiscretion.
Let's consider a modern parallel.
You get a puppy from the dog pound.
Isn't he cute?
You raise him up in your house, but don't really pay much attention to actual training.
This happens.
You tell the puppy, "You can do whatever you want, but don't pee on the sofa, OK? If you do, I will be very angry, OK?"
Then one day (dark clouds scud low across the sky in the heavy wind, and lightning strikes in the distance), you come home and... DAMN... the puppy has peed on the sofa.
So... what do you do?
You shoot him, of course.
This is a dramatic parallel but true to form.
Adam and Eve clearly (the Bible SAYS so) didn't know right from wrong until they ate the fruit. In other words, they didn't know it was wrong to "disobey" God until they had committed the act.
God punished them anyway, rather severely.
The moral to the story is that you might be a sinner, but none of it is original; it is all your own.
So go and be a sinner but don't blame Adam and Eve.
. . . . . . . . . .
If you want to read the rest of Adam and Eve's adventure (annotated by yours truly), see below.
Genesis 3
4: And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
(Only the gods (notice the plural there?!) know the difference between good and evil.)
6: And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes,...
(All she knew was it looked good and might be good to eat, totally innocent)
...and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
. . . . . .
11: And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12: And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
(Wimp!)
13: And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
(She was honest anyway.)
14: And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
(Dust? Yuck!)
15: And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
(Yeah serpent... take THAT! But "his" in reference to the woman? Gender identity crisis in Genesis!)
16: Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
(Nice guy, eh? I didn't train you well, but it's your fault anyway! And for good measure, Mr. Wimp will rule over you.)
17: And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
18: Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
19: In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
(And while you're at it, you will have to watch a lot of football on TV and eat at McDonald's too. Doesn't this passage make you want to say, "Lighten up, God!")
. . . . . .
24: So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
(In short, "Bad boy!")
Just a thought.
Today, following up on last week's epiphany, I would like to discuss the curious concept of original sin. Original sin has been controversial over the ages; are we all sinners because of the transgressions of Eve and Adam, or are we merely tainted by their caving in to temptation? Either way, it's not a good thing for us. And isn't it odd that we even worry about stuff like this? I mean, what about the rent and medical bills, not to mention what to make for dinner tonight?
But (getting to my point) what if there was a misinterpretation? Maybe it's not too late to go back and look at the evidence and come to a different conclusion.
First, the relevant quotes from the Bible itself.
(Of course I use the King James version... duh?)
Genesis 2
16: And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
17: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
Lots of "thous" and "mayests", but you get the point, right?
If you eat the fruit, you will know good and evil and surely die.
The rest of the story is familiar, isn't it?
The serpent slithers down out of the tree and tempts naive Eve into eating the fruit. She in turn persuades Adam to take a bite, and the rest is serious history. God gets really ticked off and kicks them out of the Garden of Eden and also does not go kindly on the serpent either.
But let's look at the details.
What was the fruit they were forbidden to eat?
'Tweren't an apple.
It says right there in the Bible that it was the fruit from "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil".
What simple conclusion can we draw from this statement in the Bible?
Clearly Adam and Eve did not know right from wrong, good from evil UNTIL they ate the fruit.
Which means that God (in "his" wisdom) might have been a little hasty in penalizing the couple for their indiscretion.
Let's consider a modern parallel.
You get a puppy from the dog pound.
Isn't he cute?
You raise him up in your house, but don't really pay much attention to actual training.
This happens.
You tell the puppy, "You can do whatever you want, but don't pee on the sofa, OK? If you do, I will be very angry, OK?"
Then one day (dark clouds scud low across the sky in the heavy wind, and lightning strikes in the distance), you come home and... DAMN... the puppy has peed on the sofa.
So... what do you do?
You shoot him, of course.
This is a dramatic parallel but true to form.
Adam and Eve clearly (the Bible SAYS so) didn't know right from wrong until they ate the fruit. In other words, they didn't know it was wrong to "disobey" God until they had committed the act.
God punished them anyway, rather severely.
The moral to the story is that you might be a sinner, but none of it is original; it is all your own.
So go and be a sinner but don't blame Adam and Eve.
. . . . . . . . . .
If you want to read the rest of Adam and Eve's adventure (annotated by yours truly), see below.
Genesis 3
4: And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
(Only the gods (notice the plural there?!) know the difference between good and evil.)
6: And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes,...
(All she knew was it looked good and might be good to eat, totally innocent)
...and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
. . . . . .
11: And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
12: And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
(Wimp!)
13: And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
(She was honest anyway.)
14: And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
(Dust? Yuck!)
15: And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
(Yeah serpent... take THAT! But "his" in reference to the woman? Gender identity crisis in Genesis!)
16: Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
(Nice guy, eh? I didn't train you well, but it's your fault anyway! And for good measure, Mr. Wimp will rule over you.)
17: And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
18: Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
19: In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
(And while you're at it, you will have to watch a lot of football on TV and eat at McDonald's too. Doesn't this passage make you want to say, "Lighten up, God!")
. . . . . .
24: So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
(In short, "Bad boy!")
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