To many of us, the Christmas story is nostalgic, bringing back memories of Christmases past. For some, however, the story may be new. In keeping with my Christmas messages of past years where we peeked in on Mary and Joseph and last year when we witnessed the miracle of the Wisemen, this year too, I would like to bring part of the Christmas story to life.
What does the Bible say happened after the birth of Jesus?
It says that shepherds were in their fields watching over their flocks by night when an angel appeared to them and scared them with his brilliance. The angel said, "Don't be afraid, guys! I bring good news to you and all the people, for this day in Bethlehem, Christ the Lord is born. If you go there you will find him wrapped in a humble wrap and lying in a manger." And then suddenly the sky was full of angels all singing heavenly praises (forgive my loose rendition*)!
Didn't you ever wonder about this story?
I did.
Why would an angel go out in the dark to a bunch of mangy shepherds, dragging along a whole choir of other angels, and put on this performance for them?
There is an explanation.
It was a mistake.
The angel – let's choose an angelic name for him, how about Ralph – was sent out on a mission from God. Unfortunately he spent the afternoon before the mission with some of the other angels who were to accompany him. They were drinking at a "get ready to go to Earth" party where they consumed large amounts of heavenly elixir – let's call it "vodka". When they finally set off on the mission, they were pretty well tanked.
Let's pick up the scenario upon their return.
The video I have opens with Ralph and the other angels in the locker room, getting ready to shower and taking off their wings and uniforms.
(You didn't think they dress like that ALL the time did you? You DID, didn't you! LOL!)
Ralph: Wow! That went way better than I thought! Hey! High fives all around, guys! That was super!
Other Angels: Yeah! (high fiving all around, and some of the angels snap towels at Ralph's butt.)
Assistant Angel-Coach (poking his head into the locker room): Hey... uh... Ralph? The Boss wants to see you.
Ralph (winking at the other angels): Don't worry guys, if I get promoted or am awarded a better spot by the pool, you can count on me to put in a good word for you too! (he snaps his towel at another angel's butt on his way out the door)
(he struts out into the hall and makes the trek to God's office)
Ralph (knocking): Sir? It's Ralph... you wanted to see me?
God (sitting at his desk, looking down, his left hand holding his glasses loosely and his right index finger and thumb pressing the bridge of his nose; he speaks quietly) Come in and sit down, Ralph.
(Ralph starts feeling a little nervous but sits down)
God (looking up with a painful look): Ralph? How did your mission go on Earth... announcing the birth of Christ the Lord. my son?
Ralph (brightening): It went great! I made the first appearance all by myself so as not to scare them too much. I kept the dimmers on the whole time. And later right on cue, the rest of the team came on to sing a lot of heavenly praises to you! We really lit up the sky! Some kind of major fireworks, I tell you! Those dimmers are cool; we turned them up big time. Quite a performance I would say.
God (shaking his head pathetically): And Ralph... who exactly did you put on this spectacular, once in a millennium performance for?
Ralph: The shepherds, of course...
God: And why, Ralph.... WHY did you feel it was important to go out into a remote field and put on this fantastic show for... (flipping the pages on his clipboard and checking) five shepherds?
Ralph: Um... that's what we were told to do? ... The Assistant Coach came to us yesterday morning and told us to put on this show for the shepherds and announce the birth of the newborn King.
God (shouting): NOT SHEPHERDS YOU MORON!!! SHERIFFS!!
(quickly calming and speaking very quietly) Ralph?
Ralph (suddenly much paler, all the blood having drained to his feet): Yes, sir?
God (quietly again): What we wanted was publicity. The whole idea was to get the message out to people who count, people who had the authority to spread the word and be trusted or at least believed. They were to spread the word. Do shepherds sound like such a group to you?
Ralph: Well... um... I guess not.
God (speaking as if to someone with serious intellectual limitations): That's right, Ralph.
Shepherds are completely useless in that effort.
They spend their days tending sheep, usually alone. They have no authority over anyone. They don't even congregate amongst themselves in large numbers....
Ralph: I see...
God: Now, Ralph? Can you think of anyone who might be better at spreading the word? People with authority given to them by their ruler? People with power and local connections in their communities? The name begins with "sh...."
Ralph: Um... sheriffs?
God: That's right, Ralph. Very good. You mucked things up, you know. So I am demoting you. You no longer have bar privileges pool-side, and you have to share an apartment from now on. (checking the roster) I am assigning Bubba as your roommate.
Ralph: Bubba?!! Oh my God!
God: Yes?
Ralph: Nothing...
God: That will be all, Ralph. (Ralph leaves)
At least he didn't go to the Sherpas.... Who knows that they would have done. What a moron. Why do I get all these dumb angels...
I need a vacation... badly....
I wish all of you a lovely holiday season and a happy and healthy New Year in 2017. I will be back after the New Year when I recover from the parties.
- - - - - - - - - -
* (the actual story)
Luke 2
8 And there were shepherds in the same country abiding in the field, and keeping watch by night over their flock.
9 And an angel of the Lord stood by them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
10 And
the angel said unto them, Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good
tidings of great joy which shall be to all the people:
11 for there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.
12 And this is the sign unto you: Ye shall find a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, and lying in a manger.
13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
14 Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men in whom he is well pleased.
15 And
it came to pass, when the angels went away from them into heaven, the
shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and
see this thing that is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto
us.
16 And they came with haste, and found both Mary and Joseph, and the babe lying in the manger.
17 And when they saw it, they made known concerning the saying which was spoken to them about this child.
18 And all that heard it wondered at the things which were spoken unto them by the shepherds.
19 But Mary kept all these sayings, pondering them in her heart.
20 And
the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things
that they had heard and seen, even as it was spoken unto them.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Post-Apocalypse Destinations
My friends are so alert.
They reminded me that with the end of the world coming on my birthday in just a very few days, we all need to be thinking about making our post-apocalypse destination plans, our after-life arrangements.
In the Western tradition, these have been divided into two major ports of call, Heaven and Hell, with some people having a difficult and lengthy layover in Purgatory (think LAX).
What I want to do today is re-evaluate the two major resorts and help you to make your decision about where you would like to go. Remember, there isn't much time left, so you need to go ahead and make your reservations now.
And don't be prejudiced by your up-bringing.
Frankly, most of us have a really distorted view of what Heaven and Hell are like. Traditionally, we have been told that Heaven is definitely the preferred destination while Hell is a place where we will suffer for eternity. We even say that some Earthly destinations – like that hotel I visited in Lahore – are "hell holes".
Many Westerners have a vague notion that people who go to heaven get to dress up with wings and drapey white suits, play harps and generally have a good time, hanging out with the Big Cheese. Cherubims and Seraphims flit about, shooting the residents with their arrows so that they fall in love and get... no... wait... I am terribly sorry... those might be cupids and have nothing to do with Heaven. Oddly, you cannot find many images of Heaven on the Internet, but there are "descriptions" which are obviously bogus.
Hell on the other hand is fairly well-known and described in concrete detail. Images abound. Hell is where all of you bad people go: the murderers, the thieves, the people who don't separate their garbage. You burn there and get pitchforked around by demons.
Which brings me to the question about that traditional view; what exactly are demons? Are they the ones who are WORSE than you, so they get the elevated status of being the pitchforkers rather than pitchforkees? Or do YOU get to be a demon (AC in your room, free pitchforks), because you only told a lie (not a 'red card' violation in the Ten Commandments) whereas THEY did something much worse, like... said, "OMG!" (taking the lord's name in vain)?
Joking aside, I need to assure you that all of that is totally inaccurate, based as it is on what people perceive as the conditions for admission: you need to be "good" to go to Heaven, leaving the "bad" people to go to Hell. The bad PR for Hell is just so much nonsense. Even theologically it doesn't hold water, since it relies on the idea that the CEO of Hell, the Devil, would be willing to do the bidding of the CEO of Heaven, God. After all, wasn't the split in the destination monopoly precisely BECAUSE Satan would not go along with God's agenda?
Right.
We all need to get on the same page here.
First, you need to understand that both of these images are very antique. God and Satan are in competition for your after-life soul, so you need to check out both venues and make them come up with good bargains for you to choose between. To get you started, I did a quick search and this is what I arrived at.
Heaven Resort
When you enter your lavish suite in a hotel at Heaven Resort, you will be overwhelmed by the stunning view from your personal lanai, the white sandy beaches and the whole bay and distant mountains at your feet. But that is only a start. The complimentary champagne and tropical fruit basket (all organic) will provide the perfect romantic atmosphere for you and your 'special other' to kick back and enjoy the rest of eternity. Need a change of linen and towels? No worries in Heaven! Changes occur on a daily basis AND you can be sure that we follow the most stringent environmental regulations for washing them. Gather later during happy hour in the lobby and join with your fellow hotel guests, socializing and watching sports on the big screen monitors, as well as the free hors d'oeuvres (lactose and gluten intolerant friendly) and our fine wine selections from everywhere. The bars and pubs are open 24/7, but of course, non-alcoholic beverages are also available. Single? Heaven Resort specializes in single hospitality. Cherubims and Seraphims abound, so – who knows – they might shoot you with one of their arrows and help you to find that special person to share eternity with. Heaven Resort is also now LGBT friendly.
We look forward to serving you here at the Heaven Resort.
Check with your travel agent for details.
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Heaven Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Heaven Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.god.love Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Heaven Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Heaven Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Heaven Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
Then we have the brochure from Hell (that sounds bad, doesn't it.... see?... prejudice!)
Hell Resort
Entering your room, you look out the window and see a spectacular view. You also notice the remote control lying on your carefully made bed (complementary chocolates are places under your pillow everyday). You pick up the remote in wonder, and pressing a button, realize you can change your whole view (and world) from a wide assortment of popular venues!
Did you and your partner spend a romantic week on the beach in Maui? Click.
Did you meet that special person in the cathedral at York? Click.
Did you wish you had talked to that person on the train in Rome? Click.
Yes, the whole world is there at your fingertips. And don't worry that your ski wear will be out of place in the restaurants when everyone else decided on a Hawaii vacation. Clicking the remote button means you interact ONLY with those who have the same vacation destination in mind.
Free wine tastings in the lobby are just the beginning. We also provide the very best cuisine in each of our restaurants around the plaza (we accommodate any religious dietary requirements); they operate on a 24/7 basis for all eternity. For the kids there are also pizza shops and activities around the pool everyday (check with the manager for details). We look forward to serving you here at the Hell Resort!
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Hell Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Hell Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.bad.hell Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Hell Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Hell Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Hell Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
So there you have it. I know you are wondering which resort I am choosing, so let me tell you. I am going to the Lux-Lucifer Hotel on Hot Beach, and (here's an insider tip) I know that there are three suites left on the ocean-view side (these have the best remote controls).
You only have a few days left; better make your reservations for eternity now!
They reminded me that with the end of the world coming on my birthday in just a very few days, we all need to be thinking about making our post-apocalypse destination plans, our after-life arrangements.
In the Western tradition, these have been divided into two major ports of call, Heaven and Hell, with some people having a difficult and lengthy layover in Purgatory (think LAX).
What I want to do today is re-evaluate the two major resorts and help you to make your decision about where you would like to go. Remember, there isn't much time left, so you need to go ahead and make your reservations now.
And don't be prejudiced by your up-bringing.
Frankly, most of us have a really distorted view of what Heaven and Hell are like. Traditionally, we have been told that Heaven is definitely the preferred destination while Hell is a place where we will suffer for eternity. We even say that some Earthly destinations – like that hotel I visited in Lahore – are "hell holes".
Many Westerners have a vague notion that people who go to heaven get to dress up with wings and drapey white suits, play harps and generally have a good time, hanging out with the Big Cheese. Cherubims and Seraphims flit about, shooting the residents with their arrows so that they fall in love and get... no... wait... I am terribly sorry... those might be cupids and have nothing to do with Heaven. Oddly, you cannot find many images of Heaven on the Internet, but there are "descriptions" which are obviously bogus.
Hell on the other hand is fairly well-known and described in concrete detail. Images abound. Hell is where all of you bad people go: the murderers, the thieves, the people who don't separate their garbage. You burn there and get pitchforked around by demons.
Which brings me to the question about that traditional view; what exactly are demons? Are they the ones who are WORSE than you, so they get the elevated status of being the pitchforkers rather than pitchforkees? Or do YOU get to be a demon (AC in your room, free pitchforks), because you only told a lie (not a 'red card' violation in the Ten Commandments) whereas THEY did something much worse, like... said, "OMG!" (taking the lord's name in vain)?
Joking aside, I need to assure you that all of that is totally inaccurate, based as it is on what people perceive as the conditions for admission: you need to be "good" to go to Heaven, leaving the "bad" people to go to Hell. The bad PR for Hell is just so much nonsense. Even theologically it doesn't hold water, since it relies on the idea that the CEO of Hell, the Devil, would be willing to do the bidding of the CEO of Heaven, God. After all, wasn't the split in the destination monopoly precisely BECAUSE Satan would not go along with God's agenda?
Right.
We all need to get on the same page here.
First, you need to understand that both of these images are very antique. God and Satan are in competition for your after-life soul, so you need to check out both venues and make them come up with good bargains for you to choose between. To get you started, I did a quick search and this is what I arrived at.
Heaven Resort
When you enter your lavish suite in a hotel at Heaven Resort, you will be overwhelmed by the stunning view from your personal lanai, the white sandy beaches and the whole bay and distant mountains at your feet. But that is only a start. The complimentary champagne and tropical fruit basket (all organic) will provide the perfect romantic atmosphere for you and your 'special other' to kick back and enjoy the rest of eternity. Need a change of linen and towels? No worries in Heaven! Changes occur on a daily basis AND you can be sure that we follow the most stringent environmental regulations for washing them. Gather later during happy hour in the lobby and join with your fellow hotel guests, socializing and watching sports on the big screen monitors, as well as the free hors d'oeuvres (lactose and gluten intolerant friendly) and our fine wine selections from everywhere. The bars and pubs are open 24/7, but of course, non-alcoholic beverages are also available. Single? Heaven Resort specializes in single hospitality. Cherubims and Seraphims abound, so – who knows – they might shoot you with one of their arrows and help you to find that special person to share eternity with. Heaven Resort is also now LGBT friendly.
We look forward to serving you here at the Heaven Resort.
Check with your travel agent for details.
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Heaven Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Heaven Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.god.love Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Heaven Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Heaven Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Heaven Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
Then we have the brochure from Hell (that sounds bad, doesn't it.... see?... prejudice!)
Hell Resort
Entering your room, you look out the window and see a spectacular view. You also notice the remote control lying on your carefully made bed (complementary chocolates are places under your pillow everyday). You pick up the remote in wonder, and pressing a button, realize you can change your whole view (and world) from a wide assortment of popular venues!
Did you and your partner spend a romantic week on the beach in Maui? Click.
Did you meet that special person in the cathedral at York? Click.
Did you wish you had talked to that person on the train in Rome? Click.
Yes, the whole world is there at your fingertips. And don't worry that your ski wear will be out of place in the restaurants when everyone else decided on a Hawaii vacation. Clicking the remote button means you interact ONLY with those who have the same vacation destination in mind.
Free wine tastings in the lobby are just the beginning. We also provide the very best cuisine in each of our restaurants around the plaza (we accommodate any religious dietary requirements); they operate on a 24/7 basis for all eternity. For the kids there are also pizza shops and activities around the pool everyday (check with the manager for details). We look forward to serving you here at the Hell Resort!
Online bookings
Online bookings can only be made at least 3 days prior to departure. Your order is subject to confirmation by Hell Travel. In the unlikely event that your order cannot be completed, Hell Travel will notify you by email or telephone within two working days.
If you wish to book within 3 days, you will need to contact directly by phone on 800.bad.hell Please note that this may be subject to additional fees due to hotel charges.
Change rules If this booking is changed, you will be charged a change fee. All changes must be made at no later than 24 hours prior to the start date. This change may involve the souls of offspring, spouses, or random people you have met in the street.
Cancellation details
No refund is due for a cancellation within 72 hours of arrival date, but you may be sent to Purgatory to wait for an opening elsewhere
If you have a voucher
Unless otherwise advised in writing, Hell Travel is the coordinator of the services to be provided by this voucher and acts only as an agent between the passenger and the principal supplier.
All services are subject to conditions of the contract, any restrictions and endorsements written on the voucher, any regulations of the principal supplier of the services and any other conditions advised in writing. All services are specified on the voucher and any extras should be directly paid for to the supplier.
Hell Travel is not responsible for any claims, losses, damages, costs, expenses arising out of injury, accident or ascending to the wrong place, inconvenience, loss of enjoyment, upset, disappointment or frustration arising from:
a) The act of omission of any party
b) Mechanical breakdown, government actions, weather or any factors beyond the controls of Hell Travel
c) The passenger’s failure to follow all instructions including, but not limited to, those regarding check-in, check-out, timing mishaps with death, near-death experiences
d) The cancellation or alteration for any reason of the travel service offered
So there you have it. I know you are wondering which resort I am choosing, so let me tell you. I am going to the Lux-Lucifer Hotel on Hot Beach, and (here's an insider tip) I know that there are three suites left on the ocean-view side (these have the best remote controls).
You only have a few days left; better make your reservations for eternity now!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Three Ways Not to Appear Senile
I have written important advice here for other seniors on how to make the most of our declining years: mental health tips, for example, or more importantly, five ways not to be dead. So today too, I would like to continue this contribution to society and write about how not to appear senile.
Let's face it; when you get old, you have basically fulfilled your role on the planet, and most people would just like to see you shuffle off. Especially relatives. All they want is to get you out of the house and off in a home somewhere. If there is anything worse than being accidentally cremated (mentioned in an earlier post), it's being put into an old people's home.
So, to avoid this tragedy, you need to come up with tactics to make sure that you are not diagnosed as being senile.
What happens is fairly standard. The relatives look at you snoozing there in your armchair and at first wonder if you are dead. When they hold the mirror under your nose and see it fog up slightly, they know that you are still among the living, so they need to come up with some other way to get rid of you.
Scenario
Son-in Law: Grandpa isn't happy here; look at him snoring there in his armchair... don't you think he would be happier in a home?
Daughter: Yes, but he still seems to be alert and stuff... I would hate to send him off to a home if he can relate to us and all. And the kids seem to like him.
Son-in-Law: Really? He has seemed a little out of it to me, lately. Like that time he spilled all the wine down his shirt? That was pretty bad... especially with the Andrews over? I mean... Bob Andrews IS my boss! His wife was really upset by Grandpa's leering and all too.
Daughter: Yeah... maybe we should take him in to be tested. They have a lot of tests now to determine the mental capacity of seniors...
So suddenly you are brought in to what they call a "mental-health professional" who will determine if you are senile and ready to be shipped off to a home.
First of all, you must understand that psychiatry and mental-health evaluations are a scam. They might as well wear feathers, shake rattles and dance around you for all the good they do. But they do have standing in society, so you cannot attack them directly.
Bad Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: What day do YOU think it is, asshole?
MHP: Now now... (looking around at the relatives and shrugging his shoulders in feigned helplessness) Why don't we let ME ask the questions... do you know what day it is?
Me: It's Friday! How old are you anyway? Why are you asking all these stupid questions...
MHP: (condescendingly) Very good! Good job! Yes... It's Friday! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I usually have constipation and spend two hours on the toilet, passing something that should have been removed by caesarian section... did you really want to know?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
Anyway... you get the picture. Anything you say in your "usual" personality will be perceived as being senile and "difficult".
So, here is the game plan.
1. Don't be yourself. Even though the mental-health professional will try to draw you out and make you answer stupid questions, you must remember that s/he is trying to get you into a home. That's how they make their money. You have to be careful not to fall into their traps. Do this by asking THEM questions.
Good Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: It's Friday, of course. I really like your tie! Where did you get that by the way?
MHP: Oh! Thank you... I got it at Sears.
Me: Yes, I could sense your good taste in clothing right away.
MHP: Um... oh... yes... it's Friday, you're right! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I try to keep a strict regimen.
MHP: And what does that entail?
Me: Well.... I get up and have breakfast (don't go on and on here about WHAT you have for breakfast; nobody wants to know that you eat a bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement). I like to exercise too. What do you do? You look pretty buff for someone with a desk job.
(POINT: Always turn the conversation back at them. Ask questions. It puts them off their guard and they forget what they are trying to prove about you.)
MHP: (blushing) Well... I do work out a lot actually...
Me: Lots of push-ups I bet! Look at those shoulders!
MHP: Well... not THAT many ... only 50 each time... but I also do some free-weight training, so I think I round out my shoulders and arms pretty well.
Me: I should say! It's incredible. And how about aerobic exercises?
Son-in-law: Um... shouldn't we continue with evaluating Grandpa's mental acuity here?
MHP: He seems fine to me... take him home. Nice to meet you Mr. Pterosaurish.
2. Eventually, however, they will start asking detailed questions that involve math or some other hard to remember thing.
Bad Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to shove up your ass!
MHP: (looking helplessly at your relatives) Ha ha... yes... but how many would it actually be... in numbers, Mr. Pterosaurish... in numbers.
Me: (very poor at math) More than you would want shoved up your ass!
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
You can see how badly such a conversation can go very quickly. All the cards are stacked against you. So you need to have clever strategies to avoid the obvious pitfalls.
Good Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to buy a gelato for the grandkids! Did you know that they really like pistachio? I had no idea!
MHP: Ha ha ha! Really? That's my favorite too!
Me: No way! I always preferred chocolate myself... but anyway, didn't you have some other questions for me? (POINT: find some way to make it seem that you WANT them to ask questions, and if possible, stress "other" questions, since you are weak at math.)
MHP: Oh!... um.... no, I think that about handles it. Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me, you can take him home with you now.
3. Being senile means living in a "different reality". The mental-health professional will try to draw you out about your fantasies and make you seem like you are not living in the "real world".
Bad Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I think about fucking the woman who lives next door... if only she would lean over the fence a little more and fall over into our side of the fence. I might be able to catch her...
MHP: (loudly) I see! But... um... do you think about other things? Sports? Do you watch TV?
ME: ... and when she leans over... omg... you should see it... her blouse sort of flops open a little? and I can see down her shirt.... omg.... maybe if I had a lasso or something or ... I KNOW!! I can get my son-in-law's stupid dog to trip her up so she falls into our yard... Hey! Finders keepers, right?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
There is no way to salvage this conversation; they will put you directly into the ambulance to take you to the home.
Good Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I do the cross-word puzzles in the newspaper.
MHP: Oh.. that is so good for your mental acuity!
Son-in-law: I never saw you do them... he never does the cross-word puzzles....
Me: Oh! I don't WRITE in the newspaper, since I know you like to read it without my scribbles all over... I do them in my head.
MHP: Oh my! That is amazing! I have never met someone who does them in his head!
Son-in-law: He doesn't do it in his head... he's drunk most of the time and looking at the neighbor with those binoculars!
Me: (to the mental-health professional) Where did you get that tie? It really brings out the green in your eyes.
MHP: (blushing) I got it at Sears...
Me: I could sense immediately that you have good taste in clothes.
MHP: Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me... you can take him on home right now.
I hope these three tips have been helpful. Actually, I had intended to write five, but I forgot two of them. If I remember, however, you can be sure I will have two more ways of covering for us seniors in the interviews.
Let's face it; when you get old, you have basically fulfilled your role on the planet, and most people would just like to see you shuffle off. Especially relatives. All they want is to get you out of the house and off in a home somewhere. If there is anything worse than being accidentally cremated (mentioned in an earlier post), it's being put into an old people's home.
So, to avoid this tragedy, you need to come up with tactics to make sure that you are not diagnosed as being senile.
What happens is fairly standard. The relatives look at you snoozing there in your armchair and at first wonder if you are dead. When they hold the mirror under your nose and see it fog up slightly, they know that you are still among the living, so they need to come up with some other way to get rid of you.
Scenario
Son-in Law: Grandpa isn't happy here; look at him snoring there in his armchair... don't you think he would be happier in a home?
Daughter: Yes, but he still seems to be alert and stuff... I would hate to send him off to a home if he can relate to us and all. And the kids seem to like him.
Son-in-Law: Really? He has seemed a little out of it to me, lately. Like that time he spilled all the wine down his shirt? That was pretty bad... especially with the Andrews over? I mean... Bob Andrews IS my boss! His wife was really upset by Grandpa's leering and all too.
Daughter: Yeah... maybe we should take him in to be tested. They have a lot of tests now to determine the mental capacity of seniors...
So suddenly you are brought in to what they call a "mental-health professional" who will determine if you are senile and ready to be shipped off to a home.
First of all, you must understand that psychiatry and mental-health evaluations are a scam. They might as well wear feathers, shake rattles and dance around you for all the good they do. But they do have standing in society, so you cannot attack them directly.
Bad Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: What day do YOU think it is, asshole?
MHP: Now now... (looking around at the relatives and shrugging his shoulders in feigned helplessness) Why don't we let ME ask the questions... do you know what day it is?
Me: It's Friday! How old are you anyway? Why are you asking all these stupid questions...
MHP: (condescendingly) Very good! Good job! Yes... It's Friday! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I usually have constipation and spend two hours on the toilet, passing something that should have been removed by caesarian section... did you really want to know?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
Anyway... you get the picture. Anything you say in your "usual" personality will be perceived as being senile and "difficult".
So, here is the game plan.
1. Don't be yourself. Even though the mental-health professional will try to draw you out and make you answer stupid questions, you must remember that s/he is trying to get you into a home. That's how they make their money. You have to be careful not to fall into their traps. Do this by asking THEM questions.
Good Scenario
Mental-health professional (performing the evaluation): So, Mr. Pterosaurish... what day is it today?
Me: It's Friday, of course. I really like your tie! Where did you get that by the way?
MHP: Oh! Thank you... I got it at Sears.
Me: Yes, I could sense your good taste in clothing right away.
MHP: Um... oh... yes... it's Friday, you're right! And what do you usually do on Fridays, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: I try to keep a strict regimen.
MHP: And what does that entail?
Me: Well.... I get up and have breakfast (don't go on and on here about WHAT you have for breakfast; nobody wants to know that you eat a bag of mulch chips in order to have a bowel movement). I like to exercise too. What do you do? You look pretty buff for someone with a desk job.
(POINT: Always turn the conversation back at them. Ask questions. It puts them off their guard and they forget what they are trying to prove about you.)
MHP: (blushing) Well... I do work out a lot actually...
Me: Lots of push-ups I bet! Look at those shoulders!
MHP: Well... not THAT many ... only 50 each time... but I also do some free-weight training, so I think I round out my shoulders and arms pretty well.
Me: I should say! It's incredible. And how about aerobic exercises?
Son-in-law: Um... shouldn't we continue with evaluating Grandpa's mental acuity here?
MHP: He seems fine to me... take him home. Nice to meet you Mr. Pterosaurish.
2. Eventually, however, they will start asking detailed questions that involve math or some other hard to remember thing.
Bad Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to shove up your ass!
MHP: (looking helplessly at your relatives) Ha ha... yes... but how many would it actually be... in numbers, Mr. Pterosaurish... in numbers.
Me: (very poor at math) More than you would want shoved up your ass!
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
You can see how badly such a conversation can go very quickly. All the cards are stacked against you. So you need to have clever strategies to avoid the obvious pitfalls.
Good Scenario
MHP: So, Mr. Pterosaurish, if I gave you ten dollars and you spent 6 dollars, how many dollars would you have left?
Me: Enough to buy a gelato for the grandkids! Did you know that they really like pistachio? I had no idea!
MHP: Ha ha ha! Really? That's my favorite too!
Me: No way! I always preferred chocolate myself... but anyway, didn't you have some other questions for me? (POINT: find some way to make it seem that you WANT them to ask questions, and if possible, stress "other" questions, since you are weak at math.)
MHP: Oh!... um.... no, I think that about handles it. Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me, you can take him home with you now.
3. Being senile means living in a "different reality". The mental-health professional will try to draw you out about your fantasies and make you seem like you are not living in the "real world".
Bad Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I think about fucking the woman who lives next door... if only she would lean over the fence a little more and fall over into our side of the fence. I might be able to catch her...
MHP: (loudly) I see! But... um... do you think about other things? Sports? Do you watch TV?
ME: ... and when she leans over... omg... you should see it... her blouse sort of flops open a little? and I can see down her shirt.... omg.... maybe if I had a lasso or something or ... I KNOW!! I can get my son-in-law's stupid dog to trip her up so she falls into our yard... Hey! Finders keepers, right?
MHP: (stage whispering to the relatives) Can I talk to you in private, please?
There is no way to salvage this conversation; they will put you directly into the ambulance to take you to the home.
Good Scenario
MHP: So Mr. Pterosaurish, what sort of things keep you mentally engaged throughout the day?
Me: I do the cross-word puzzles in the newspaper.
MHP: Oh.. that is so good for your mental acuity!
Son-in-law: I never saw you do them... he never does the cross-word puzzles....
Me: Oh! I don't WRITE in the newspaper, since I know you like to read it without my scribbles all over... I do them in my head.
MHP: Oh my! That is amazing! I have never met someone who does them in his head!
Son-in-law: He doesn't do it in his head... he's drunk most of the time and looking at the neighbor with those binoculars!
Me: (to the mental-health professional) Where did you get that tie? It really brings out the green in your eyes.
MHP: (blushing) I got it at Sears...
Me: I could sense immediately that you have good taste in clothes.
MHP: Mr. Pterosaurish seems fine to me... you can take him on home right now.
I hope these three tips have been helpful. Actually, I had intended to write five, but I forgot two of them. If I remember, however, you can be sure I will have two more ways of covering for us seniors in the interviews.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Pterosaurish Sees a Psychiatrist
A true journalist is always willing to take risks and "put himself out there" to push back the darkness of ignorance and misunderstanding. Exposing myself... wait... that didn't come out right... revealing intimate details about my psyche is only a small step that I can take in quality journalism. Below you will read my conversation with my psychiatrist. Since it is my own session, I do not violate any laws involving confidentiality.
- - - - - - - - - -
Dr. Arte Remedé: Won't you come in Mr.... er... Pterosaurish? Have a seat. You can sit in that armchair there.
Me: No couch?
Dr: Ha ha ha! No, that's pretty much a figure of speech these days. Most of us psychiatric professionals just use comfy chairs.
Would you like some coffee or anything? (He pours some for himself and crosses over to sit in his easy chair.) Tea?
Me: No, I'm good. We have something in common already, Doctor.
Dr: Oh? What's that?
Me: Silent "p".
Dr: Oh! Ha ha ha! That's right! Very funny. (He makes some notes on a notepad.)
So... what brings you to see me, Mr.... p... t... er... Pterosaurish?
By the way, is that your real name? Is that like Hamish*? Are you Jewish?
Me: No, it's my pen-name.
Dr: I see. And do you commonly use it in other areas of your life?
Me: No, just in writing and seeing psychiatrists.
Dr: Very interesting.... (He quickly jots down more observations.) Can I call you Pter... Pteros ... um... never mind.
So... getting back to why you are here... how are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling fine... just great! How are you doing?
Dr: I am also fine... but... why are you here... what seems to be the problem?
Me: It doesn't SEEM to be a problem. If it only SEEMED to be a problem, I probably would just drink some wine and sleep it off.
It IS a problem.
Dr: Ah... yes... so... what IS this problem you are coming to me for?
Me: I think I must have a personality disorder.
Dr: And why do you feel this, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: Well, according to the CDC, a quarter of Americans have been diagnosed with some disorder, and since most of the people around me seem OK, I thought *I might be one of the one-in-four.
Dr: What kind of disorder do you think you might have?
Me: How should *I know. You're the professional; can't you tell me?
Dr: (chuckling) Well... Mr. Pterosaurish, a normal personality IS one that doesn't feel the need for professional help... one who believes that he or she can cope with life with no more than conventional social support.
Me: So the fact of coming to see you automatically identifies me as abnormal?
Dr: (lecturing) You see, Mr. Pterosaurish, the normal personality is one which knows how to handle the minor ups and downs of life, which finds and exploits strategies for dealing with the life-issues that we all face: temporary depression, worry, nervousness, anxiety about the future, fears of things around us, and – finally – the internalization of the reality of our own death.
Me: But how can I know if I am normal or not?
Dr: (impatiently) OK. Let me ask you some questions. Please answer truthfully.
Me: I will.
Dr: Have you held down a job for a long time, had a career?
Me: Yes.
Dr: (jotting quickly) Have you been married or had a relationship with someone for more than 5 years?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Do YOU feel you get along with your peers in work and play, and do THEY seem to accept you as you are in their circles?
Me: Yes, no question.
Dr: (scribbling) And then, do you ever feel overwhelmed by the emotional impact of something that happens in your life – a relocation, a job loss, a death, for example?
Me: Never.
Dr: Do you suffer from anxieties that impact your daily life: fears that keep you from – say – doing "normal" things like driving?
Me: Are you kidding? Of course not.
Dr: (writing quickly and emphatically putting a period at the end of a sentence) Well then, Mr. Pterosaurish... aside from your insistence on using a pen name here – which I would evaluate as simply eccentric – given your answers, you seem to be perfectly normal to me.
Me: But the same answers would also have been given by – say – Adolf Hitler or Vlad the Impaler...
Dr: (nervously) Vlad the Impaler?
Me: Well, then... maybe I don't even HAVE a personality.
Dr: (sitting up and leaning over in his chair.) Excuse me? You what?
Me: I think I must have lost my personality.
Dr: I don't understand what you mean.
Me: (signing in American Sign Language) *I *have *lost *my *personality.
I think I had one when I was younger, but now I am not so sure.
Dr: No need to be sarcastic, Mr. Pterosaurish.... Let's explore this a little more... um... Why do you think you have lost your personality?
Me: Well, I have been reading a lot about psychiatry, and I read recently that the psychiatric profession is planning a reorganization of the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders for the new DSM V.
Dr: Yes, that's correct. Important research in neuroscience and also in psychodynamic, or dialectal-behavioral, and other psychiatric evaluations have enabled us to understand a lot more about the problems people might develop and what steps we – as psychiatric professionals – can take to assist them in working through these personality disorders.
Me: Yes, exactly. But in all my reading, I never found a psychiatric definition of what a "normal" personality is or – indeed – what a personality is in the first place. Most articles simply say that "normal" depends on the situation, the person himself, the culture, or even the psychiatrist's subjective evaluation. And nowhere can you find a definition of what exactly a personality is.
So now I wonder if maybe I don't even HAVE a personality and cannot be diagnosed properly. I really worry about this and feel the need for a personality.
Dr: Ah ha! So you ARE suffering an anxiety! You have fears involving a "loss of personality"! (he actually made air quotes)
Me: Yes, I am. I do so want to have a personality... and if possible, to have it be normal too – not one of the one-in-four, if you get my drift.
Dr: Well... let's explore that.... what do you mean?
Me: Well, it seems that the "normal" personality by definition doesn't go to see a mental health professional, so if I can get a "normal" personality, I can save a lot of money by not coming to see you.
Dr: Ah... yes... I see your point. Well, I think we can work on this over the next several sessions.
Me: How much will that run me?
Dr: I charge $120 per session.
Me: And how many sessions do you think it might take to provide me with a "normal" personality... one that doesn't need to come here anymore? To be cured....
Dr: This could be an on-going therapy... I think we are looking at something on the order of 20 sessions at least.
Me: So... I am weak at math, but something over $2000?
Dr: Yes... money well spent to find yourself, I would say... wouldn't you?
Me: That's 200 bottles of wine! (I smile sheepishly) Yes, I know.... I drink cheap wine.....
Dr: (raising a finger) Ah! But will the wine help you to have a personality?
Me: Maybe not... but it will definitely make the lack of one easier to bear, and who knows.... I do get very perky when I drink.
Dr: So... Should I pencil you in for next week?
Me: Do you serve wine or have some really cool rituals involving rattles, drums and a lot of feathers.... I really like feathers...?
Dr: (calling to his receptionist) Miss Pliant?! Can you escort Mr. Pterosaurish out, please?
- - - - - - - - - -
*Please don't write ME and tell me that Hamish is a Scottish name, not Jewish. *I know that.
- - - - - - - - - -
Dr. Arte Remedé: Won't you come in Mr.... er... Pterosaurish? Have a seat. You can sit in that armchair there.
Me: No couch?
Dr: Ha ha ha! No, that's pretty much a figure of speech these days. Most of us psychiatric professionals just use comfy chairs.
Would you like some coffee or anything? (He pours some for himself and crosses over to sit in his easy chair.) Tea?
Me: No, I'm good. We have something in common already, Doctor.
Dr: Oh? What's that?
Me: Silent "p".
Dr: Oh! Ha ha ha! That's right! Very funny. (He makes some notes on a notepad.)
So... what brings you to see me, Mr.... p... t... er... Pterosaurish?
By the way, is that your real name? Is that like Hamish*? Are you Jewish?
Me: No, it's my pen-name.
Dr: I see. And do you commonly use it in other areas of your life?
Me: No, just in writing and seeing psychiatrists.
Dr: Very interesting.... (He quickly jots down more observations.) Can I call you Pter... Pteros ... um... never mind.
So... getting back to why you are here... how are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling fine... just great! How are you doing?
Dr: I am also fine... but... why are you here... what seems to be the problem?
Me: It doesn't SEEM to be a problem. If it only SEEMED to be a problem, I probably would just drink some wine and sleep it off.
It IS a problem.
Dr: Ah... yes... so... what IS this problem you are coming to me for?
Me: I think I must have a personality disorder.
Dr: And why do you feel this, Mr. Pterosaurish?
Me: Well, according to the CDC, a quarter of Americans have been diagnosed with some disorder, and since most of the people around me seem OK, I thought *I might be one of the one-in-four.
Dr: What kind of disorder do you think you might have?
Me: How should *I know. You're the professional; can't you tell me?
Dr: (chuckling) Well... Mr. Pterosaurish, a normal personality IS one that doesn't feel the need for professional help... one who believes that he or she can cope with life with no more than conventional social support.
Me: So the fact of coming to see you automatically identifies me as abnormal?
Dr: (lecturing) You see, Mr. Pterosaurish, the normal personality is one which knows how to handle the minor ups and downs of life, which finds and exploits strategies for dealing with the life-issues that we all face: temporary depression, worry, nervousness, anxiety about the future, fears of things around us, and – finally – the internalization of the reality of our own death.
Me: But how can I know if I am normal or not?
Dr: (impatiently) OK. Let me ask you some questions. Please answer truthfully.
Me: I will.
Dr: Have you held down a job for a long time, had a career?
Me: Yes.
Dr: (jotting quickly) Have you been married or had a relationship with someone for more than 5 years?
Me: Yes.
Dr: Do YOU feel you get along with your peers in work and play, and do THEY seem to accept you as you are in their circles?
Me: Yes, no question.
Dr: (scribbling) And then, do you ever feel overwhelmed by the emotional impact of something that happens in your life – a relocation, a job loss, a death, for example?
Me: Never.
Dr: Do you suffer from anxieties that impact your daily life: fears that keep you from – say – doing "normal" things like driving?
Me: Are you kidding? Of course not.
Dr: (writing quickly and emphatically putting a period at the end of a sentence) Well then, Mr. Pterosaurish... aside from your insistence on using a pen name here – which I would evaluate as simply eccentric – given your answers, you seem to be perfectly normal to me.
Me: But the same answers would also have been given by – say – Adolf Hitler or Vlad the Impaler...
Dr: (nervously) Vlad the Impaler?
Me: Well, then... maybe I don't even HAVE a personality.
Dr: (sitting up and leaning over in his chair.) Excuse me? You what?
Me: I think I must have lost my personality.
Dr: I don't understand what you mean.
Me: (signing in American Sign Language) *I *have *lost *my *personality.
I think I had one when I was younger, but now I am not so sure.
Dr: No need to be sarcastic, Mr. Pterosaurish.... Let's explore this a little more... um... Why do you think you have lost your personality?
Me: Well, I have been reading a lot about psychiatry, and I read recently that the psychiatric profession is planning a reorganization of the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders for the new DSM V.
Dr: Yes, that's correct. Important research in neuroscience and also in psychodynamic, or dialectal-behavioral, and other psychiatric evaluations have enabled us to understand a lot more about the problems people might develop and what steps we – as psychiatric professionals – can take to assist them in working through these personality disorders.
Me: Yes, exactly. But in all my reading, I never found a psychiatric definition of what a "normal" personality is or – indeed – what a personality is in the first place. Most articles simply say that "normal" depends on the situation, the person himself, the culture, or even the psychiatrist's subjective evaluation. And nowhere can you find a definition of what exactly a personality is.
So now I wonder if maybe I don't even HAVE a personality and cannot be diagnosed properly. I really worry about this and feel the need for a personality.
Dr: Ah ha! So you ARE suffering an anxiety! You have fears involving a "loss of personality"! (he actually made air quotes)
Me: Yes, I am. I do so want to have a personality... and if possible, to have it be normal too – not one of the one-in-four, if you get my drift.
Dr: Well... let's explore that.... what do you mean?
Me: Well, it seems that the "normal" personality by definition doesn't go to see a mental health professional, so if I can get a "normal" personality, I can save a lot of money by not coming to see you.
Dr: Ah... yes... I see your point. Well, I think we can work on this over the next several sessions.
Me: How much will that run me?
Dr: I charge $120 per session.
Me: And how many sessions do you think it might take to provide me with a "normal" personality... one that doesn't need to come here anymore? To be cured....
Dr: This could be an on-going therapy... I think we are looking at something on the order of 20 sessions at least.
Me: So... I am weak at math, but something over $2000?
Dr: Yes... money well spent to find yourself, I would say... wouldn't you?
Me: That's 200 bottles of wine! (I smile sheepishly) Yes, I know.... I drink cheap wine.....
Dr: (raising a finger) Ah! But will the wine help you to have a personality?
Me: Maybe not... but it will definitely make the lack of one easier to bear, and who knows.... I do get very perky when I drink.
Dr: So... Should I pencil you in for next week?
Me: Do you serve wine or have some really cool rituals involving rattles, drums and a lot of feathers.... I really like feathers...?
Dr: (calling to his receptionist) Miss Pliant?! Can you escort Mr. Pterosaurish out, please?
- - - - - - - - - -
*Please don't write ME and tell me that Hamish is a Scottish name, not Jewish. *I know that.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Hey guys, why not live longer now?!
For the longest time, I thought that the fact that women outlived men was the result of a design flaw (male nipples?¹) or some kind of software bug in men. It seemed unfair that men would flame out early, leaving women to hang out by themselves – beach side with the piña coladas – and enjoy all the great benefits of a long and happy life, such as early onset dementia, or chronic constipation.
Indeed, I have written here before about how men not only live shorter lives, but how we are also walking a tightrope of uselessness; one false step and we could plummet off into total gender oblivion!
People are starting to talk, guys! "They"² are wondering if we are ever going to shape up and make something of ourselves.
Think about it!
List all the dumb comments made – say – about rape during the recent election cycle in the US. One hundred percent of them were made by men! You could hear American women's eyes rolling, way over here in Japan.
I am not joking.
So, being a man myself and not wanting to be swept into the dustbin of history, I have been searching for information that could help us guys lead not only better but longer lives. After all, once we get the "better" part down, then women and society in general ³ will appreciate having us around longer.
If we stay like we are – uneducated louts, controlling the TV remote – women will want to see us drop out of the scene faster and faster, and we will see diminishing life expectancies as is already happening in Russia. You can be sure that Russian women have decided that they can control the remote and probably a lot more as well.
We don't want that! No way.
So we need to define what it is that we want out of life. Do we want to just lie around the house, drinking up all the wine and watching the pathetic Mariners lose on TV?
Let me answer that for you, since I have the feeling that you would say "Yeah? Is there anything else?!"
Put down that beer and pay attention here!
The proper answer for "socially acceptable"⁴ males is "no".
What I am driving at is that we guys would like to hang out with women, but we have been making ourselves less and less attractive to them by our behavior. They are starting to think that maybe they can make do with a cat for comfort and a dild ... well... something else for other things (let's not give them any ideas).
If you are international like *I am, you read news from a wide variety of international sources and then feel really good about yourself for your eclectic orientation. In the Hindustan Times, for example, in their Entertainment section (no less) we can find the answer to our search for gender meaning.
Apparently we guys have a different cocktail of hormones in our systems than the women we are chasing, and THIS is the source of a lot of our problems.
More crime? Blame the hormones.
Lose your job and lie around the house all day, pretending to be a cat? More hormone maladjustments.
All this time, we have been thinking that it was FEMALES who had the hormone issues. How many times have you thought, "Omg... she is talking about that again!" and blamed it on "that time of month" etc? Right.
Well.... apparently it's not them; it's us.
Sorry.
What can we do about this? Well, according to the research, eunuchs lived much longer than the other males around them. Even lavishly fed and well-treated males such as kings and emperors were outlived by the eunuchs who served them.
So! We⁵ can solve the problem of longevity by undergoing a simple operation. In fact, you can do this at home. Boston Corbett (the man who shot John Wilkes Booth) performed this operation on himself with a pair of scissors.
There are of course side-effects such as a lack of libido and a desire to hang out in harems and try on all the women's lingerie. But to catch up with women in our modern society, maybe these small sacrifices are worth it.
Our nation is calling us, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what YOU can do for getting along better with everyone else."
For myself, I am too old to be bothered with this silliness, so I will be letting nature take its own course. For you younger men, however, I strongly advocate this simple procedure that you can do at home. You won't regret it, and the whole world will be better off. What a wonderful thing you can do for the human community.
Afterwards, I would like to support you in your new circumstances, so please send me the telephone numbers or email addresses of all your female friends so that I can help them adjust to your new world too!
Trust me, I will try very hard.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ Intelligent design folks? Hello? Helloooooo?
² "They" pretty much means all the women you know.
³ "society in general refers to women.
⁴"Socially acceptable" equals if you want to actually hang out with women.
⁵ This means you.
Indeed, I have written here before about how men not only live shorter lives, but how we are also walking a tightrope of uselessness; one false step and we could plummet off into total gender oblivion!
People are starting to talk, guys! "They"² are wondering if we are ever going to shape up and make something of ourselves.
Think about it!
List all the dumb comments made – say – about rape during the recent election cycle in the US. One hundred percent of them were made by men! You could hear American women's eyes rolling, way over here in Japan.
I am not joking.
So, being a man myself and not wanting to be swept into the dustbin of history, I have been searching for information that could help us guys lead not only better but longer lives. After all, once we get the "better" part down, then women and society in general ³ will appreciate having us around longer.
If we stay like we are – uneducated louts, controlling the TV remote – women will want to see us drop out of the scene faster and faster, and we will see diminishing life expectancies as is already happening in Russia. You can be sure that Russian women have decided that they can control the remote and probably a lot more as well.
We don't want that! No way.
So we need to define what it is that we want out of life. Do we want to just lie around the house, drinking up all the wine and watching the pathetic Mariners lose on TV?
Let me answer that for you, since I have the feeling that you would say "Yeah? Is there anything else?!"
Put down that beer and pay attention here!
The proper answer for "socially acceptable"⁴ males is "no".
What I am driving at is that we guys would like to hang out with women, but we have been making ourselves less and less attractive to them by our behavior. They are starting to think that maybe they can make do with a cat for comfort and a dild ... well... something else for other things (let's not give them any ideas).
If you are international like *I am, you read news from a wide variety of international sources and then feel really good about yourself for your eclectic orientation. In the Hindustan Times, for example, in their Entertainment section (no less) we can find the answer to our search for gender meaning.
Apparently we guys have a different cocktail of hormones in our systems than the women we are chasing, and THIS is the source of a lot of our problems.
More crime? Blame the hormones.
Lose your job and lie around the house all day, pretending to be a cat? More hormone maladjustments.
All this time, we have been thinking that it was FEMALES who had the hormone issues. How many times have you thought, "Omg... she is talking about that again!" and blamed it on "that time of month" etc? Right.
Well.... apparently it's not them; it's us.
Sorry.
What can we do about this? Well, according to the research, eunuchs lived much longer than the other males around them. Even lavishly fed and well-treated males such as kings and emperors were outlived by the eunuchs who served them.
So! We⁵ can solve the problem of longevity by undergoing a simple operation. In fact, you can do this at home. Boston Corbett (the man who shot John Wilkes Booth) performed this operation on himself with a pair of scissors.
There are of course side-effects such as a lack of libido and a desire to hang out in harems and try on all the women's lingerie. But to catch up with women in our modern society, maybe these small sacrifices are worth it.
Our nation is calling us, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what YOU can do for getting along better with everyone else."
For myself, I am too old to be bothered with this silliness, so I will be letting nature take its own course. For you younger men, however, I strongly advocate this simple procedure that you can do at home. You won't regret it, and the whole world will be better off. What a wonderful thing you can do for the human community.
Afterwards, I would like to support you in your new circumstances, so please send me the telephone numbers or email addresses of all your female friends so that I can help them adjust to your new world too!
Trust me, I will try very hard.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ Intelligent design folks? Hello? Helloooooo?
² "They" pretty much means all the women you know.
³ "society in general refers to women.
⁴"Socially acceptable" equals if you want to actually hang out with women.
⁵ This means you.
Monday, November 19, 2012
OMG! Awwwww! Sooo Cute!
Is there anyone on the planet who can look at this picture and not have an instant "Awwww!!!" response? I frankly doubt it. Thinking, "That's CUTE!!" seems to be hard-wired into our psyches, bringing out feelings that probably have played important roles in the evolution of the species.
Research is only just now starting to delve into this theme of why we think certain things are cute, and also what effects cuteness has on the human brain.
A recent study by a Japanese team, for example, has shown that exposing subjects to cuteness increases their ability to function and focus on their work. Imagine the significance of this important research! It might mean, for example, that painting the whole airplane with "Hello Kitty" and other cute pictures could help the pilots concentrate on their flying and also aid the ground staff in their efforts as well!
Ground Staff Person #1: Omg!! Look at that airplane! That is SOOOO cute!!! I just LOVE Hello Kitty.... awwww... she's gone to Italy as a tourist! Awww!!
GSP#2 (focusing on the task at hand): You attached the toilet pump-out nozzle to the fuel tank...
GSP#1: Oops... here... let me get that... er... is it OK to have so much jet fuel all over the ground like this?
But focusing on work is not the only effect of seeing a cute thing. Additional research shows that cuteness stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are excited by such compelling things as sex, good food, and cocaine.
In other words, we humans really like to look at "cute"!
Duh.
But might there be more important implications in our reactions to cute things?
It is a well-known fact that pet ownership has direct and measurable health benefits. Naturally the nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship we have with our pets – they barf on the floor and we clean it up, etc. – is an important factor in the health advantages for pet owners. It's not a stretch to say, however, that our pets' cuteness is one of the main reasons we are attracted to them and develop the meaningful connections we do. If cats were covered with scales, for example, we would hunt them down for the vermin that they clearly are! That they are furry, soft and adorable means that we jump to their beck and call and go "awww!" as they upchuck their crunchy food into our slippers.
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that the Awww Factor (AF) may well be the most powerful influence in the health benefits of pets.
Consider:
What country has the highest AF on the planet? No question; Japan wins hands down.
And which nation has one of the highest life expectancies? Yes... good guess! You ARE paying attention after all!
Japan.
But that is not all.
Which portion of the population of the country with the longest life expectancy is Number One in the world?
Japanese women.
Why?
From an early age, every Japanese girl and young woman is exposed to a barely sub-lethal dose of cuteness. While young boys are vulnerable to some of this as small children too, they soon "grow out" of it and move on to more adult things, like becoming an "otaku" nerd or a withdrawn recluse.
Little girls, however, get dosed early and long – everything from "Hello Kitty" children's in-flight meals, McDonalds characters on happy meals, school buses, cars filled with stuffed animals (who has not seen THIS?), even on the garbage truck, and cute box lunches in cute lunch boxes to take to school, to cute pencil cases and cute fashions. Never mind "Little Poopy". All of these provide a strong health boost throughout a woman's formative years which they carry on into later life in the form of better health and greater longevity.
All of us can learn a lesson from this AF influence. If you want to live a long and healthy life you need to expose yourself to as much cuteness as possible. As we have seen above, getting a pet is an important first step, but why not supplement that with some stuffed animals in your car or living room. Go ahead; don't be shy about it, put Hello Kitty stickers on your windows or maybe even get some Hello Kitty tableware. When you hire that maid to live up to Biblical values, why not go for a cute one? Make your meals adorable as well, by forming the meatloaf into a Winnie the Pooh or the birthday cake into a likeness of Snoopy.
These are simple, inexpensive, and non-invasive steps you can take right NOW to improve your health and vitality. As for me, having just looked at about 30 pages of cuteness, I think I have been exposed to much more than the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of cuteness and might need an insulin shot.
Research is only just now starting to delve into this theme of why we think certain things are cute, and also what effects cuteness has on the human brain.
A recent study by a Japanese team, for example, has shown that exposing subjects to cuteness increases their ability to function and focus on their work. Imagine the significance of this important research! It might mean, for example, that painting the whole airplane with "Hello Kitty" and other cute pictures could help the pilots concentrate on their flying and also aid the ground staff in their efforts as well!
Ground Staff Person #1: Omg!! Look at that airplane! That is SOOOO cute!!! I just LOVE Hello Kitty.... awwww... she's gone to Italy as a tourist! Awww!!
GSP#2 (focusing on the task at hand): You attached the toilet pump-out nozzle to the fuel tank...
GSP#1: Oops... here... let me get that... er... is it OK to have so much jet fuel all over the ground like this?
But focusing on work is not the only effect of seeing a cute thing. Additional research shows that cuteness stimulates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are excited by such compelling things as sex, good food, and cocaine.
In other words, we humans really like to look at "cute"!
Duh.
But might there be more important implications in our reactions to cute things?
It is a well-known fact that pet ownership has direct and measurable health benefits. Naturally the nurturing and mutually beneficial relationship we have with our pets – they barf on the floor and we clean it up, etc. – is an important factor in the health advantages for pet owners. It's not a stretch to say, however, that our pets' cuteness is one of the main reasons we are attracted to them and develop the meaningful connections we do. If cats were covered with scales, for example, we would hunt them down for the vermin that they clearly are! That they are furry, soft and adorable means that we jump to their beck and call and go "awww!" as they upchuck their crunchy food into our slippers.
I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that the Awww Factor (AF) may well be the most powerful influence in the health benefits of pets.
Consider:
What country has the highest AF on the planet? No question; Japan wins hands down.
And which nation has one of the highest life expectancies? Yes... good guess! You ARE paying attention after all!
Japan.
But that is not all.
Which portion of the population of the country with the longest life expectancy is Number One in the world?
Japanese women.
Why?
From an early age, every Japanese girl and young woman is exposed to a barely sub-lethal dose of cuteness. While young boys are vulnerable to some of this as small children too, they soon "grow out" of it and move on to more adult things, like becoming an "otaku" nerd or a withdrawn recluse.
Little girls, however, get dosed early and long – everything from "Hello Kitty" children's in-flight meals, McDonalds characters on happy meals, school buses, cars filled with stuffed animals (who has not seen THIS?), even on the garbage truck, and cute box lunches in cute lunch boxes to take to school, to cute pencil cases and cute fashions. Never mind "Little Poopy". All of these provide a strong health boost throughout a woman's formative years which they carry on into later life in the form of better health and greater longevity.
All of us can learn a lesson from this AF influence. If you want to live a long and healthy life you need to expose yourself to as much cuteness as possible. As we have seen above, getting a pet is an important first step, but why not supplement that with some stuffed animals in your car or living room. Go ahead; don't be shy about it, put Hello Kitty stickers on your windows or maybe even get some Hello Kitty tableware. When you hire that maid to live up to Biblical values, why not go for a cute one? Make your meals adorable as well, by forming the meatloaf into a Winnie the Pooh or the birthday cake into a likeness of Snoopy.
These are simple, inexpensive, and non-invasive steps you can take right NOW to improve your health and vitality. As for me, having just looked at about 30 pages of cuteness, I think I have been exposed to much more than the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of cuteness and might need an insulin shot.
Monday, November 12, 2012
The iPotty
I know what you are thinking.
You are rolling your eyes and imagining that I am going to fill this space with juvenile potty humor.
This just goes to show how narrow minded YOU are.
Actually I am going to fill this space with sophisticated, adult potty humor.
In many countries when you go to the toilet, you can expect to find one basic model everywhere. In the US, for example, the "American Standard" is common – both in private dwellings and in public restrooms.
As I have written before, Japan has started a revolution in toilets. Despite this, however, when you go to a public restroom, you never know just what point on the toilet evolutionary scale you will encounter. It could be an old fashioned "squat pot", a simple Western-style toilet, or a fancy washing toilet with all the "bells and whistles". It's better than the old days when public facilities often did not have any toilet paper, but you still go through emotional ups and downs, walking to the restroom, anticipating one thing but finding another.
Although the range of toilets is greater in public restrooms, you can still be surprised at private homes. A visit to a friend's house provided just that sort of experience. A fairly wealthy family, they had recently installed a top-of-the-line appliance in their downstairs restroom.
I walked into the small room (only a toilet and a tiny sink) and was surprised by the top lid springing open – a gaping mouth ready to take a bite out of me! The toilet left the seat part of the toilet down, however, not being smart enough to determine that I was a guy and why I was in there. I had to raise the seat by hand, but it didn't seem to like me doing that (I found out later that there is a button for that function) and fought with me over raising the seat. Perhaps it was questioning my gender.
I finished what I came into the restroom to do and politely closed the seat and the lid. The toilet automatically flushed itself. I turned to the sink to wash my hands, and I must have moved my arms too much, because the toilet lid sprang open again, staring malevolently at me with its built-in LED light. I quickly closed it, and the appliance fastidiously flushed again.
The next morning, I needed to use the toilet for a more "significant" purpose. The lid jumped open as I entered the room, but I didn't need to fight with the toilet to raise the seat.
I sat down, completed my mission, and glanced at the control panel on the wall next to me. This is called a "stick remote control". Please have a look at the link above, so you can see how confounding a control it is. The large round buttons on the vertical portion of the controller are from left to right:
Butt Bidet
OFF Water Pressure Washing Position Clean
Soft Wide Bidet Nozzle
The row of nine smaller buttons on the top of the controller are from left to right:
Big Small Eco Small Move Massage Power Smell Removal Dry
and
Open Lid Open Lid & Seat
Where do I start?
First of all, if you live in Japan, very quickly you learn that BIG and SMALL on the toilet flush-lever does not mean you need to gauge the size of your deposit and flush accordingly.
"Well, I DID have three burritos for dinner last night .... so.... big?"
No.
In Japanese "small" is "number 1" and "big" is "number 2", so that function on the remote was fairly clear. Eco Small probably means you would use less water. What I was worried about was "Move" and "Massage". The positioning of the washing nozzle is set by the large buttons on the front of the panel, so what would I be moving if I pressed the MOVE button? Might the whole toilet take me into another room? Or perhaps it was some sort of enema function that would "move" me in a different way. In any case, I wasn't going to experiment.
Also the button with BUTT on the top and SOFT on the bottom left me anxious. Controls with ranges of function usually have contrasting labels: High and Low, Strong and Weak, Front and Back. The contrast of BUTT and SOFT didn't seem to have anything to do with the human body.
And what about the MASSAGE button? I really wanted to know exactly what part of my anatomy the toilet was going to massage before I pushed it.
The toilets I am accustomed to have only basic wash functions, so I restricted my cleaning efforts to those. I stood up, closed the lid, and the toilet dutifully flushed for me.
Once again, while I was washing my hands, the lid snapped open as if to say, "Did you finish your business? Are you SURE?!"
I closed it and as I left the room, I could hear it fussily flushing itself again.
The technology has gotten increasingly complex. Early washing toilets had only a wash and a bidet function (I have NO idea why you would need both, but I have a very limited imagination). These have evolved into toilets which do things for you that you didn't know you needed done. The future obviously will bring even better facilities, perhaps with richer interactive functions that we can program like cars to "read" us as individuals and do unto us as we would do unto ourselves in many different ways, while treating other people completely differently.
Talk about a brave new world.....
You are rolling your eyes and imagining that I am going to fill this space with juvenile potty humor.
This just goes to show how narrow minded YOU are.
Actually I am going to fill this space with sophisticated, adult potty humor.
In many countries when you go to the toilet, you can expect to find one basic model everywhere. In the US, for example, the "American Standard" is common – both in private dwellings and in public restrooms.
As I have written before, Japan has started a revolution in toilets. Despite this, however, when you go to a public restroom, you never know just what point on the toilet evolutionary scale you will encounter. It could be an old fashioned "squat pot", a simple Western-style toilet, or a fancy washing toilet with all the "bells and whistles". It's better than the old days when public facilities often did not have any toilet paper, but you still go through emotional ups and downs, walking to the restroom, anticipating one thing but finding another.
Although the range of toilets is greater in public restrooms, you can still be surprised at private homes. A visit to a friend's house provided just that sort of experience. A fairly wealthy family, they had recently installed a top-of-the-line appliance in their downstairs restroom.
I walked into the small room (only a toilet and a tiny sink) and was surprised by the top lid springing open – a gaping mouth ready to take a bite out of me! The toilet left the seat part of the toilet down, however, not being smart enough to determine that I was a guy and why I was in there. I had to raise the seat by hand, but it didn't seem to like me doing that (I found out later that there is a button for that function) and fought with me over raising the seat. Perhaps it was questioning my gender.
I finished what I came into the restroom to do and politely closed the seat and the lid. The toilet automatically flushed itself. I turned to the sink to wash my hands, and I must have moved my arms too much, because the toilet lid sprang open again, staring malevolently at me with its built-in LED light. I quickly closed it, and the appliance fastidiously flushed again.
The next morning, I needed to use the toilet for a more "significant" purpose. The lid jumped open as I entered the room, but I didn't need to fight with the toilet to raise the seat.
I sat down, completed my mission, and glanced at the control panel on the wall next to me. This is called a "stick remote control". Please have a look at the link above, so you can see how confounding a control it is. The large round buttons on the vertical portion of the controller are from left to right:
Butt Bidet
OFF Water Pressure Washing Position Clean
Soft Wide Bidet Nozzle
The row of nine smaller buttons on the top of the controller are from left to right:
Big Small Eco Small Move Massage Power Smell Removal Dry
and
Open Lid Open Lid & Seat
Where do I start?
First of all, if you live in Japan, very quickly you learn that BIG and SMALL on the toilet flush-lever does not mean you need to gauge the size of your deposit and flush accordingly.
"Well, I DID have three burritos for dinner last night .... so.... big?"
No.
In Japanese "small" is "number 1" and "big" is "number 2", so that function on the remote was fairly clear. Eco Small probably means you would use less water. What I was worried about was "Move" and "Massage". The positioning of the washing nozzle is set by the large buttons on the front of the panel, so what would I be moving if I pressed the MOVE button? Might the whole toilet take me into another room? Or perhaps it was some sort of enema function that would "move" me in a different way. In any case, I wasn't going to experiment.
Also the button with BUTT on the top and SOFT on the bottom left me anxious. Controls with ranges of function usually have contrasting labels: High and Low, Strong and Weak, Front and Back. The contrast of BUTT and SOFT didn't seem to have anything to do with the human body.
And what about the MASSAGE button? I really wanted to know exactly what part of my anatomy the toilet was going to massage before I pushed it.
The toilets I am accustomed to have only basic wash functions, so I restricted my cleaning efforts to those. I stood up, closed the lid, and the toilet dutifully flushed for me.
Once again, while I was washing my hands, the lid snapped open as if to say, "Did you finish your business? Are you SURE?!"
I closed it and as I left the room, I could hear it fussily flushing itself again.
The technology has gotten increasingly complex. Early washing toilets had only a wash and a bidet function (I have NO idea why you would need both, but I have a very limited imagination). These have evolved into toilets which do things for you that you didn't know you needed done. The future obviously will bring even better facilities, perhaps with richer interactive functions that we can program like cars to "read" us as individuals and do unto us as we would do unto ourselves in many different ways, while treating other people completely differently.
Talk about a brave new world.....
Monday, November 5, 2012
The Proper Labels
Once again Japanese gangs, yakuza, have slithered into the news. In Fukuoka on the southern island of Kyushu, the problem of gang-extortion and violence has gotten out of control. Naturally, the ever-alert National Police Agency (NPA) needs to have new weapons at its disposal to combat this rise in crime and disruption of peaceful commerce.
I am sure you are imagining the creation of new SWAT teams, delivery of armored vehicles, or issuance of shotguns or other heavy weapons to the cop on the beat, but in fact – this being Japan – the steps involve new labels, and stickers on restaurant and bar windows.
Someone needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic new turn in law enforcement direction, so once again I donned my investigative journalism hat and roamed out into the streets to see for myself what was going on. A Hard-Hitting News Hound needs to get out in the streets and rub shoulders with the street people to keep his fingers on the pulse of the streets in order to do proper reporting.
Nothing was going on in the streets.
Part of the reason for this is that I live in a rural area hundreds of kilometers from the gang problem in Fukuoka.
I needed to take other steps.
I contacted my connections at the NPA and arranged another interview with one of the officers involved with handling gang activities.
The assistant showed me into his office.
Captain Kanarazu Taiho: Please sit down.... Wait a minute... weren't you here before?
HHNH (me): Uh... yes... I talked to you in September?
Capt. Taiho: So what is it now?
HHNH: I wanted to ask you about the new anti-gang policies the NPA has instituted recently.
Capt. Taiho: (pulling a non-filter cigarette from the pack and tapping it on his Zippo lighter) Didn't you ask me about that last time?
HHNH: Yes, but last time was about the designation of gangs... you know... labeling them as gangs so that the police could deal with them?
Capt. Taiho: So? What now? (he keeps tamping his cigarette on the lighter)
HHNH: So, I wondered what the recent police activity was about. The gangs have been officially designated already, so why is there a problem in Fukuoka with arresting them when they break the law?
Capt Taiho (putting the cigarette into his mouth): You really have no clue about law enforcement, do you? (he lights the cigarette dramatically and flicks the Zippo lighter closed with a flair) There are ordinary gangs out there, but there are also very violent gangs who enter legitimate establishments and threaten the owners and extort money and so on... it's very serious.
HHNH: Yes, it sounds really bad... so why don't you arrest them?
Capt Taiho (puffing out a huge cloud of smoke): Are you out of your mind? We can't arrest gangsters who are labeled only as common gangsters when they are out of control and acting violently? They need a special classification! Where have YOU been?
HHNH: But... I mean... well... if they are breaking the law, can't you arrest them for that?
Capt Taiho: HAHAHAHA!!! I really like talking to you... and now I remember why! You are a foreigner and have NO IDEA what we do here in the National Police Agency. I read about your country's police... they just rush in and shoot the gangsters, but here in Japan (he made it sound like a bastion of civilization against the onslaught of barbarism), we just don't do that.
HHNH: So... from what I read in the papers, it sounds like you needed to reclassify some of the gangsters?
Capt. Taiho: So you ARE paying attention! Yes! We absolutely had to go back and look at our lists of gangs and reclassify some of them as "violent gangsters".
HHNH: And what difference did that make? I mean... if they break the law and all... why not just arrest them?
Capt. Taiho: YOU MORON! (he spit his cigarette onto the floor) Do you not understand... (he got another cigarette from his pack and started tamping it on the lighter)... the least bit about police work? Let me give you an example (he looked up at the ceiling, lit his cigarette and started explaining as if to a person with broccoli-level intelligence). Suppose I tell you to go out and catch some fish.
HHNH: I can do that!
Capt. Taiho: No doubt. But suppose that the fish we really need caught is only one type, say mackerel. You would come back with arm-loads of fish but not one mackerel among them!
HHNH: But if all the fish were ba...
Capt. Taiho: NO!!! It's important to label the really bad ones and weed them from the others!
HHNH: I see... then after they are labeled, how will you stop the mackerel from going into the various restaurants and other establishments and extorting money and so on?
Capt. Taiho: You didn't read about that? You missed the main point! When it comes to serious crime, the NPA will not hesitate to take drastic action! We have issued stickers* to EVERY business in the eating and drinking areas of Fukuoka.
HHNH: Er... stickers?
Capt. Taiho: Of course stickers! These are not just any old stickers, no... these will turn away violent gangsters. They have the emblem of the National Police Agency on them!
HHNH: I see... kind of like holding up a cross at a vampire?
Capt. Taiho: What are you talking about? There are no vampires in Japan.
HHNH: Um... so NPA policy is to "scare" the most violent members of organized criminal gangs away by putting stickers on the windows of restaurants and other establishments?
Capt. Taiho: (looking very smug and blowing smoke out through his nostrils) Exactly! In short order, we can expect a decrease in the number of violent gang members entering these establishments and conducting illegal business such as extortion.
HHNH: It's amazing what the NPA can accomplish with such seemingly small measures and at a very reasonable cost too!
Capt. Taiho: Yes! We here at the National Police Agency take our stewardship of the public's resources very seriously. Relabeling the worst of the gangsters and placing stickers in every window in the night-life districts is an efficient and cost-effective way of dealing with the problem of organized crime in Japan.
HHNH: Well... thank you very much for your time, Captain.
Capt. Taiho: It was my pleasure. I am always happy to explain the policies and practices of Japan's efficient and effective police force to members of the foreign press. Your country's police could learn some lessons from us, you know!
HHNH: Yes, no doubt. I will write a letter to the FBI. Maybe they can come up with some cool stickers that will scare off the gang-bangers and the drug gangs in the US.
Capt. Taiho: Excellent idea! Good luck. You know the way out.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Sticker translation: "Gang Members Prohibited"
I am sure you are imagining the creation of new SWAT teams, delivery of armored vehicles, or issuance of shotguns or other heavy weapons to the cop on the beat, but in fact – this being Japan – the steps involve new labels, and stickers on restaurant and bar windows.
Someone needed to get to the bottom of this dramatic new turn in law enforcement direction, so once again I donned my investigative journalism hat and roamed out into the streets to see for myself what was going on. A Hard-Hitting News Hound needs to get out in the streets and rub shoulders with the street people to keep his fingers on the pulse of the streets in order to do proper reporting.
Nothing was going on in the streets.
Part of the reason for this is that I live in a rural area hundreds of kilometers from the gang problem in Fukuoka.
I needed to take other steps.
I contacted my connections at the NPA and arranged another interview with one of the officers involved with handling gang activities.
The assistant showed me into his office.
Captain Kanarazu Taiho: Please sit down.... Wait a minute... weren't you here before?
HHNH (me): Uh... yes... I talked to you in September?
Capt. Taiho: So what is it now?
HHNH: I wanted to ask you about the new anti-gang policies the NPA has instituted recently.
Capt. Taiho: (pulling a non-filter cigarette from the pack and tapping it on his Zippo lighter) Didn't you ask me about that last time?
HHNH: Yes, but last time was about the designation of gangs... you know... labeling them as gangs so that the police could deal with them?
Capt. Taiho: So? What now? (he keeps tamping his cigarette on the lighter)
HHNH: So, I wondered what the recent police activity was about. The gangs have been officially designated already, so why is there a problem in Fukuoka with arresting them when they break the law?
Capt Taiho (putting the cigarette into his mouth): You really have no clue about law enforcement, do you? (he lights the cigarette dramatically and flicks the Zippo lighter closed with a flair) There are ordinary gangs out there, but there are also very violent gangs who enter legitimate establishments and threaten the owners and extort money and so on... it's very serious.
HHNH: Yes, it sounds really bad... so why don't you arrest them?
Capt Taiho (puffing out a huge cloud of smoke): Are you out of your mind? We can't arrest gangsters who are labeled only as common gangsters when they are out of control and acting violently? They need a special classification! Where have YOU been?
HHNH: But... I mean... well... if they are breaking the law, can't you arrest them for that?
Capt Taiho: HAHAHAHA!!! I really like talking to you... and now I remember why! You are a foreigner and have NO IDEA what we do here in the National Police Agency. I read about your country's police... they just rush in and shoot the gangsters, but here in Japan (he made it sound like a bastion of civilization against the onslaught of barbarism), we just don't do that.
HHNH: So... from what I read in the papers, it sounds like you needed to reclassify some of the gangsters?
Capt. Taiho: So you ARE paying attention! Yes! We absolutely had to go back and look at our lists of gangs and reclassify some of them as "violent gangsters".
HHNH: And what difference did that make? I mean... if they break the law and all... why not just arrest them?
Capt. Taiho: YOU MORON! (he spit his cigarette onto the floor) Do you not understand... (he got another cigarette from his pack and started tamping it on the lighter)... the least bit about police work? Let me give you an example (he looked up at the ceiling, lit his cigarette and started explaining as if to a person with broccoli-level intelligence). Suppose I tell you to go out and catch some fish.
HHNH: I can do that!
Capt. Taiho: No doubt. But suppose that the fish we really need caught is only one type, say mackerel. You would come back with arm-loads of fish but not one mackerel among them!
HHNH: But if all the fish were ba...
Capt. Taiho: NO!!! It's important to label the really bad ones and weed them from the others!
HHNH: I see... then after they are labeled, how will you stop the mackerel from going into the various restaurants and other establishments and extorting money and so on?
Capt. Taiho: You didn't read about that? You missed the main point! When it comes to serious crime, the NPA will not hesitate to take drastic action! We have issued stickers* to EVERY business in the eating and drinking areas of Fukuoka.
HHNH: Er... stickers?
Capt. Taiho: Of course stickers! These are not just any old stickers, no... these will turn away violent gangsters. They have the emblem of the National Police Agency on them!
HHNH: I see... kind of like holding up a cross at a vampire?
Capt. Taiho: What are you talking about? There are no vampires in Japan.
HHNH: Um... so NPA policy is to "scare" the most violent members of organized criminal gangs away by putting stickers on the windows of restaurants and other establishments?
Capt. Taiho: (looking very smug and blowing smoke out through his nostrils) Exactly! In short order, we can expect a decrease in the number of violent gang members entering these establishments and conducting illegal business such as extortion.
HHNH: It's amazing what the NPA can accomplish with such seemingly small measures and at a very reasonable cost too!
Capt. Taiho: Yes! We here at the National Police Agency take our stewardship of the public's resources very seriously. Relabeling the worst of the gangsters and placing stickers in every window in the night-life districts is an efficient and cost-effective way of dealing with the problem of organized crime in Japan.
HHNH: Well... thank you very much for your time, Captain.
Capt. Taiho: It was my pleasure. I am always happy to explain the policies and practices of Japan's efficient and effective police force to members of the foreign press. Your country's police could learn some lessons from us, you know!
HHNH: Yes, no doubt. I will write a letter to the FBI. Maybe they can come up with some cool stickers that will scare off the gang-bangers and the drug gangs in the US.
Capt. Taiho: Excellent idea! Good luck. You know the way out.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Sticker translation: "Gang Members Prohibited"
Monday, October 29, 2012
Memory Slime
In this day of increasingly aging populations and demographic downturns, societies look for ways to enhance the lives of their citizens, hoping to make them longer and healthier. We have discussed senior mental health in these posts on a number of occasions, and I want to post helpful links to all of them here, but I think I deleted my list or maybe left it in the freezer or somewhere*.
While I have discussed how to deal with temporary memory loss and what to avoid in your daily life that makes you appear to be senile or even dead, I have not really talked much about the cutting edge research that is going on with slime molds.
Now, I know what you are thinking. "What does slime mold have to do with our aging minds and memory loss?!"
That is an excellent thought, and I suggest for starters that you write it down before you forget it. Write it on something large like a coffee table, so that you will not inadvertently put it through the wash or leave it in the oven.
While you are jotting that down, let me continue to explain about this cutting edge research. Humans have big brains and in addition to being highly intelligent as shown by results of the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (WAIS), they also have excellent abilities to think about the future and dwell on the past. In other words, our temporal awareness is very advanced. Cats, on the other hand, while having brains very similar to our own, score very low on the WAIS test mostly due to lack of interest and general lethargy. Holding the pencil also proved challenging. But through persistent research, scientists have come to the conclusion that cats have only about a 16-hour working memory. This seems to indicate that brain size itself may correlate well with memory.
Imagine the shock then amongst scientists when they discovered that something that does not actually HAVE a brain nevertheless still has memory. Slime molds are very low on the evolutionary ladder and do not actually have a brain. But they CAN remember where they have been! This may seem like a pathetically simple process, but when you consider how many people you have seen wandering around in mall parking lots looking for their cars, you can see that remembering where you have been is indeed an important mental skill.
So how do the slime molds do it? Apparently they leave a trail of slime, their slime, behind them as they move, marking the routes they have taken. The trail of slime allows them to determine what – if anything – is at its end. If there is the sugar placed there by the scientists, they will "remember" that and follow the trail back to their reward.
How does this apply to us?
It is a well-known fact that human tissues can be cultivated on animals, so the ability to manipulate genetic material is already well established. What needs to be done to solve senior memory problems is the reverse. Genetic material from creatures who remember without brains needs to be transferred to humans to enable us to "get around" our mental problems and access other ways of remembering where our car is, for example. The ability to leave a slime trail back to your car would be incredibly beneficial to many seniors who go to great lengths to make their cars conspicuous (think flags, ribbons and even small teddy bears on the aerial) but then exit the mall on the wrong side and wander around for hours in the hot sun.
I know what you are thinking again. "But humans don't make slime, silly!"
Except for the "silly" part, your point is well taken. Indeed, humans do not make slime. However, we often DO carry around a lot of excess weight in the form of blubber. Through the wonder of genetic engineering, this blubber could easily be converted to slime which could ooze from – say – the pores in our lower legs, leaving a trail back to the car in the parking lot. This would not only empower us to "remember" important things even though our brains were aging, but it would also enable us to "burn off" those excess calories – truly a win-win situation.
- - - - - - - - - -
*I found the list in my hand!
Mental-Health Tips for Seniors
Five Ways Not to be Dead
Forever Young
Across the Event Boundary Backwards
Dieting Made Easy
Voice-Activate Your Memory Chips
Your Second Wind
Pussies Riot and Seniors Snooze
The Brain Bane of Memory
While I have discussed how to deal with temporary memory loss and what to avoid in your daily life that makes you appear to be senile or even dead, I have not really talked much about the cutting edge research that is going on with slime molds.
Now, I know what you are thinking. "What does slime mold have to do with our aging minds and memory loss?!"
That is an excellent thought, and I suggest for starters that you write it down before you forget it. Write it on something large like a coffee table, so that you will not inadvertently put it through the wash or leave it in the oven.
While you are jotting that down, let me continue to explain about this cutting edge research. Humans have big brains and in addition to being highly intelligent as shown by results of the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (WAIS), they also have excellent abilities to think about the future and dwell on the past. In other words, our temporal awareness is very advanced. Cats, on the other hand, while having brains very similar to our own, score very low on the WAIS test mostly due to lack of interest and general lethargy. Holding the pencil also proved challenging. But through persistent research, scientists have come to the conclusion that cats have only about a 16-hour working memory. This seems to indicate that brain size itself may correlate well with memory.
Imagine the shock then amongst scientists when they discovered that something that does not actually HAVE a brain nevertheless still has memory. Slime molds are very low on the evolutionary ladder and do not actually have a brain. But they CAN remember where they have been! This may seem like a pathetically simple process, but when you consider how many people you have seen wandering around in mall parking lots looking for their cars, you can see that remembering where you have been is indeed an important mental skill.
So how do the slime molds do it? Apparently they leave a trail of slime, their slime, behind them as they move, marking the routes they have taken. The trail of slime allows them to determine what – if anything – is at its end. If there is the sugar placed there by the scientists, they will "remember" that and follow the trail back to their reward.
How does this apply to us?
It is a well-known fact that human tissues can be cultivated on animals, so the ability to manipulate genetic material is already well established. What needs to be done to solve senior memory problems is the reverse. Genetic material from creatures who remember without brains needs to be transferred to humans to enable us to "get around" our mental problems and access other ways of remembering where our car is, for example. The ability to leave a slime trail back to your car would be incredibly beneficial to many seniors who go to great lengths to make their cars conspicuous (think flags, ribbons and even small teddy bears on the aerial) but then exit the mall on the wrong side and wander around for hours in the hot sun.
I know what you are thinking again. "But humans don't make slime, silly!"
Except for the "silly" part, your point is well taken. Indeed, humans do not make slime. However, we often DO carry around a lot of excess weight in the form of blubber. Through the wonder of genetic engineering, this blubber could easily be converted to slime which could ooze from – say – the pores in our lower legs, leaving a trail back to the car in the parking lot. This would not only empower us to "remember" important things even though our brains were aging, but it would also enable us to "burn off" those excess calories – truly a win-win situation.
- - - - - - - - - -
*I found the list in my hand!
Mental-Health Tips for Seniors
Five Ways Not to be Dead
Forever Young
Across the Event Boundary Backwards
Dieting Made Easy
Voice-Activate Your Memory Chips
Your Second Wind
Pussies Riot and Seniors Snooze
The Brain Bane of Memory
Monday, October 22, 2012
Families of Biblical Proportion
I want to extend to all you Earthlings a special greeting on the founding of your planet. According to the best researched creationist "science", October 22 at 6 AM (GMT) in the year 4004 BC, the world was created in all its glory. So, Happy Birthday Earth! For being only 6016 years old, you don't look a day over 5000!
. . . . . . . . . .
And, while we are on the topic of the Bible (where, for you laypeople, the creationist theory comes from), I would like to say that an old friend told me that I should read the Bible more! So, I did. And this is what I stumbled upon.
. . . . . . . . . .
We are all delighted to know that the CEO of the Chick-Fil-A restaurant chain supports "Biblical families." Naturally, when a civic and business leader such as Dan Cathy speaks out, simple laypeople such as myself have to find out what he is talking about, so that we too can come to an understanding of what Biblical "family values" he is promoting.
Take Abraham, for example. He is a central figure in the Bible. What were his family values like?
First of all, Abraham makes his wife, Sarai, tell a lie, claiming she is his sister, so that when the Pharaoh takes her into his harem he won't kill Abraham as a side effect (she was really hot). The Pharaoh discovers the lie, however, and gives her back and sends the two of them on their way. (Genesis 12) – no punishment from God. In other words, it's OK to prostitute out your wife if you are afraid of the consequences of not doing so.
But that's not all.
In Genesis 16, Abraham "goes into" Hagar, his wife's maid, and she conceived. Sarai was not pleased and expelled the maid from the house.
I bet you are thinking, "Naughty, naughty Abraham", aren't you?
Don't be silly!
This is one of those Biblical "family values" the restaurant CEO is supporting!
Of course, Abraham was not the only one.
In Genesis 19, Lot's daughters conspired to "lie with" their father in the cave where they had escaped to. They got him drunk the first night and the older daughter "lay with" him, and then the second night, they got him drunk again and the younger daughter "lay with" him.
Both conceived from this "laying".
Right!
Any man on the planet will tell you that if you are so drunk you don't have ANY idea who is "laying" with you (especially if she is your daughter), you are also "laying-impaired", if you get my drift.
This story shows more Biblical family values that provide important guidelines for us to take home and ponder in our hearts.
Apparently, Abraham was not the only one with a "maid-thing". In Genesis 29, Jacob (another prominent Biblical icon) is deceived by his father-in-law Laban. Wanting Laban's daughter Rachel, he agrees to marry her and "goes into her" on their wedding night. But the morning after, he discovers it is not Rachel at all, but her sister, Leah!
How bad is THAT?! He "went into her" and all but didn't know it was somebody else. The Biblical figures obviously were vision impaired at key moments.
Complaining to his father-in-law about the deception, Laban asks that Jacob continue his efforts with Leah for one week, after which Laban will give him Rachel too. But alas, Rachel was barren, so she told Jacob (lucky guy) to "go into" her maid, Bilhah, who later bore him a son.
Leah – not to be outdone by her sister, Rachel – decided to step up to the plate in the competition and invited Jacob to "go into" HER maid, Zilpah, as well.
The lesson in Biblical family values we can learn here is that hiring a maid is an important first step towards true holiness. You need to go to your wife and say, "Hi Honey! You know, I was just thinking that you work too hard around the house here. Why don't we hire a maid?!" I am sure, supporting Biblical values as you do, your wife will be delighted and even touched by your considerate approach.
Or how about the story of Judah and Tamar, his daughter-in-law, in Genesis 38. Judah insisted that Tamar remain a widow after her husband was killed (by God). But Tamar took off her widow's garments and covered her face with a veil. Apparently this was enough to convince her father-in-law that she was a "harlot", and he had no alternative but to "go into her" in exchange for a "kid from his flock" and his "signet, bracelets and staff".
Naturally, she conceived as a result.
This case and Lot's case above clearly show that for men, being easily deceived is a key Biblical value. There is nothing like a veil to make it impossible to tell who someone is. Getting drunk is also a good excuse.
The Bible provides us with other important social information about values as well. In Deuteronomy 21, for example, the Israelites are advised that if they have two wives who each bear a son, husbands should not favor the son of the second-born even if they hate the wife who gave birth to the first-born.
The moral here is that having two wives is OK, but don't take out your hostilities towards one of them on the children they bear you.
It truly is a vital and personally meaningful exercise to find out what the Biblical values are in "Biblical families". Reading these passages makes me realize just how un-Biblical I have been! I need to reform my ways and get right with God! The maid thing sounds like a good place to begin.
. . . . . . . . . .
And, while we are on the topic of the Bible (where, for you laypeople, the creationist theory comes from), I would like to say that an old friend told me that I should read the Bible more! So, I did. And this is what I stumbled upon.
. . . . . . . . . .
We are all delighted to know that the CEO of the Chick-Fil-A restaurant chain supports "Biblical families." Naturally, when a civic and business leader such as Dan Cathy speaks out, simple laypeople such as myself have to find out what he is talking about, so that we too can come to an understanding of what Biblical "family values" he is promoting.
Take Abraham, for example. He is a central figure in the Bible. What were his family values like?
First of all, Abraham makes his wife, Sarai, tell a lie, claiming she is his sister, so that when the Pharaoh takes her into his harem he won't kill Abraham as a side effect (she was really hot). The Pharaoh discovers the lie, however, and gives her back and sends the two of them on their way. (Genesis 12) – no punishment from God. In other words, it's OK to prostitute out your wife if you are afraid of the consequences of not doing so.
But that's not all.
In Genesis 16, Abraham "goes into" Hagar, his wife's maid, and she conceived. Sarai was not pleased and expelled the maid from the house.
I bet you are thinking, "Naughty, naughty Abraham", aren't you?
Don't be silly!
This is one of those Biblical "family values" the restaurant CEO is supporting!
Of course, Abraham was not the only one.
In Genesis 19, Lot's daughters conspired to "lie with" their father in the cave where they had escaped to. They got him drunk the first night and the older daughter "lay with" him, and then the second night, they got him drunk again and the younger daughter "lay with" him.
Both conceived from this "laying".
Right!
Any man on the planet will tell you that if you are so drunk you don't have ANY idea who is "laying" with you (especially if she is your daughter), you are also "laying-impaired", if you get my drift.
This story shows more Biblical family values that provide important guidelines for us to take home and ponder in our hearts.
Apparently, Abraham was not the only one with a "maid-thing". In Genesis 29, Jacob (another prominent Biblical icon) is deceived by his father-in-law Laban. Wanting Laban's daughter Rachel, he agrees to marry her and "goes into her" on their wedding night. But the morning after, he discovers it is not Rachel at all, but her sister, Leah!
How bad is THAT?! He "went into her" and all but didn't know it was somebody else. The Biblical figures obviously were vision impaired at key moments.
Complaining to his father-in-law about the deception, Laban asks that Jacob continue his efforts with Leah for one week, after which Laban will give him Rachel too. But alas, Rachel was barren, so she told Jacob (lucky guy) to "go into" her maid, Bilhah, who later bore him a son.
Leah – not to be outdone by her sister, Rachel – decided to step up to the plate in the competition and invited Jacob to "go into" HER maid, Zilpah, as well.
The lesson in Biblical family values we can learn here is that hiring a maid is an important first step towards true holiness. You need to go to your wife and say, "Hi Honey! You know, I was just thinking that you work too hard around the house here. Why don't we hire a maid?!" I am sure, supporting Biblical values as you do, your wife will be delighted and even touched by your considerate approach.
Or how about the story of Judah and Tamar, his daughter-in-law, in Genesis 38. Judah insisted that Tamar remain a widow after her husband was killed (by God). But Tamar took off her widow's garments and covered her face with a veil. Apparently this was enough to convince her father-in-law that she was a "harlot", and he had no alternative but to "go into her" in exchange for a "kid from his flock" and his "signet, bracelets and staff".
Naturally, she conceived as a result.
This case and Lot's case above clearly show that for men, being easily deceived is a key Biblical value. There is nothing like a veil to make it impossible to tell who someone is. Getting drunk is also a good excuse.
The Bible provides us with other important social information about values as well. In Deuteronomy 21, for example, the Israelites are advised that if they have two wives who each bear a son, husbands should not favor the son of the second-born even if they hate the wife who gave birth to the first-born.
The moral here is that having two wives is OK, but don't take out your hostilities towards one of them on the children they bear you.
It truly is a vital and personally meaningful exercise to find out what the Biblical values are in "Biblical families". Reading these passages makes me realize just how un-Biblical I have been! I need to reform my ways and get right with God! The maid thing sounds like a good place to begin.
Monday, October 15, 2012
The Brain Bane of Memory
One of the predicaments that plagues us seniors is memory failure. I have written about this in previous posts, offering advice and palliative solutions to this difficult problem. But what we really need is an all-out effort to deal with this condition once and for all – to go for a cure.
We tend to think of sleep as a time of rest. Our bodies relax and our minds dream randomly, maybe making some interesting associations that we can discuss with our therapist. So I was surprised to read recently that our brains try to remember things not only when we are wide awake, but also while we are sleeping. Important research done at UCLA has demonstrated that one of the activities our brains engage in while sleeping is trying to remember stuff (in addition to wondering whether we should get up to pee even though the floor is cold or just try to hold it until morning). It's like our brains don't get enough of this during our waking hours. They need to sort memories out and file them away in their proper niches without us being around to confuse them with worries about where we left the car keys (in the fridge, duh?).
What I am concerned about here is that as we age, obviously our brains get less able to handle new information or even process the material that is already in there. So while you are sleeping, your brain is busy at work picking up memories, looking at the zip codes, and because they forgot their reading glasses, filing them in the wrong slot. When you are awake, these little glitches have a bad enough effect, but during the day, your brain is engaged in many other activities, such as driving the car, making you scream at the slow-motion moron in front of you, and then later, helping you spend an hour trying to find your car in the mall parking lot. It just does not have much time to devote to this memory-sorting process.
When you are sleeping, however, it has about eight hours of uninterrupted time to make a complete mess of things in there!
Think about this.
Remember Governor Perry of Texas during the Republican primary debates and his famous inability to remember the third item on his list of three government agencies he would close? Apparently he had a sleep disorder that caused this lapse. The Governor is only 62 years old; it's probably unlikely that he is suffering from early-onset dementia. What really happened was that after he fell asleep at night, his brain would get active in there and start remembering stuff and filing things in their proper places, but he interrupted the process.
It went something like this:
Perry Brain: OK... gotta sort things out here... lessee... three departments of government... need to put them in the GONE slot... Commerce... ok! ... Education... ok! ... and...
The governor woke up suddenly due to his sleep disorder, and his poor brain put the Energy Department into the fridge.
When we get even older, the brain might confuse these things on its own, so a clear solution to the problem is to train your brain while you sleep. You need to keep it on its toes or it might doze off at the wheel in there. This can be done through carefully implemented aroma therapy. Smells are well-known for their ability to stimulate memories. Stimulating your brain while you sleep by making it register nice smells and bad odors will not only help it to sort your memories properly but also give you a mechanism for triggering them again once you are awake!
It's a win-win solution.
Forget where you left your car keys? Just sniff that herbal shampoo and bingo, you will know immediately to look in the fridge. Can't remember that song that you loved when you were in college? Smell that rotten fish and presto, you will have it stuck in your head all day.
Only by taking active steps to keep our brains awake and functioning properly in our sleeping heads can we be assured that our active hours won't be plagued by forgetfulness. To paraphrase an old proverb, For the want of a memory, a Presidency was lost.
We tend to think of sleep as a time of rest. Our bodies relax and our minds dream randomly, maybe making some interesting associations that we can discuss with our therapist. So I was surprised to read recently that our brains try to remember things not only when we are wide awake, but also while we are sleeping. Important research done at UCLA has demonstrated that one of the activities our brains engage in while sleeping is trying to remember stuff (in addition to wondering whether we should get up to pee even though the floor is cold or just try to hold it until morning). It's like our brains don't get enough of this during our waking hours. They need to sort memories out and file them away in their proper niches without us being around to confuse them with worries about where we left the car keys (in the fridge, duh?).
What I am concerned about here is that as we age, obviously our brains get less able to handle new information or even process the material that is already in there. So while you are sleeping, your brain is busy at work picking up memories, looking at the zip codes, and because they forgot their reading glasses, filing them in the wrong slot. When you are awake, these little glitches have a bad enough effect, but during the day, your brain is engaged in many other activities, such as driving the car, making you scream at the slow-motion moron in front of you, and then later, helping you spend an hour trying to find your car in the mall parking lot. It just does not have much time to devote to this memory-sorting process.
When you are sleeping, however, it has about eight hours of uninterrupted time to make a complete mess of things in there!
Think about this.
Remember Governor Perry of Texas during the Republican primary debates and his famous inability to remember the third item on his list of three government agencies he would close? Apparently he had a sleep disorder that caused this lapse. The Governor is only 62 years old; it's probably unlikely that he is suffering from early-onset dementia. What really happened was that after he fell asleep at night, his brain would get active in there and start remembering stuff and filing things in their proper places, but he interrupted the process.
It went something like this:
Perry Brain: OK... gotta sort things out here... lessee... three departments of government... need to put them in the GONE slot... Commerce... ok! ... Education... ok! ... and...
The governor woke up suddenly due to his sleep disorder, and his poor brain put the Energy Department into the fridge.
When we get even older, the brain might confuse these things on its own, so a clear solution to the problem is to train your brain while you sleep. You need to keep it on its toes or it might doze off at the wheel in there. This can be done through carefully implemented aroma therapy. Smells are well-known for their ability to stimulate memories. Stimulating your brain while you sleep by making it register nice smells and bad odors will not only help it to sort your memories properly but also give you a mechanism for triggering them again once you are awake!
It's a win-win solution.
Forget where you left your car keys? Just sniff that herbal shampoo and bingo, you will know immediately to look in the fridge. Can't remember that song that you loved when you were in college? Smell that rotten fish and presto, you will have it stuck in your head all day.
Only by taking active steps to keep our brains awake and functioning properly in our sleeping heads can we be assured that our active hours won't be plagued by forgetfulness. To paraphrase an old proverb, For the want of a memory, a Presidency was lost.
Monday, October 8, 2012
China Wants More Pie
I am sure that most of you have been following the back-and-forth over the Senkaku or Diaoyu Islands that are claimed by Japan, Taiwan and China. In addition, the Chinese have been having disputes with Southeast Asian nations over the South China Sea. Vietnam and the Philippines claim islands and territorial limits at sea in those areas which are close to their lands, but China says the whole of the sea is an inherent territory of China.
Of course this position by a Great Power wannabe is intriguing, so yours truly – Hard Hitting News Hound – obtained an interview with a representative of the Chinese government.
Due to the interview ground rules, I am not able to reveal his name, except to say that he is a "high ranking cadre" in the State Council of the People's Republic of China.
I will call him Zhang.
HHNH (me): Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Zhang.
Zhang: It is my pleasure.
HHNH: I am interested in China's claims to islands south of Japan. What is your country's position about those islands.
Z: They are an inalienable part of Chinese territory.
HHNH: Taiwan also claims them; how do you feel about that?
Z: Taiwan is also an integral part of China, so its claim is merely an extension of our own. In any case, the whole Ryukyu Island archipelago was a part of the great Ming Dynasty, so Japan's claim even to Okinawa is dubious.
HHNH: What about the South China Sea? How can China claim areas that are clearly much closer to neighboring Southeast Asian nations such as Vietnam, Malaysia, or the Philippines.
Z: These areas have been part of China for hundreds of years. Our legitimate claim is based on historical fact.
HHNH: But the James Shoal, for example, is only 80 km from Malaysia but 1800 km from the nearest Chinese mainland.
Z: What are you talking about? That IS Chinese territory. Our claims are based on historical reality! They don't call it the South Malaysia Sea, do they? (He pulls a cigarette out of a package on his desk and furiously taps it on the arm of his chair.)
HHNH: But what about those islands that are so close to Vietnam? Surely they would be part of Vietnam, wouldn't they?
Z: Nonsense! Complete nonsense. Those islands belong to the People's Republic of China. In fact, Vietnam itself was once part of China during the Ming Dynasty, so we claim it too.
HHNH: I suppose the same applies to Tibet?
Z: Of course! Tibet was never an independent country. It has ALWAYS been an integral part of China from time immemorial! (He lights his cigarette and waves it around.)
HHNH: What other claims does China make to adjacent territories?
Z: You Westerners don't know much about history, do you? China traditionally ruled over what is now Korea as well.
HHNH: Korea?! But that is an independent country.
Z: Well, due to American imperialism, half of Korea has remained separated from us, but we Chinese can never forget that during the Yuen Dynasty it was a contiguous part of China.
HHNH: But wait a minute, wasn't the Yuen Dynasty a Mongolian dynasty?
Z: They became Chinese. And so we also claim Mongolia and parts of Russia that traditionally were included in the Yuen Empire.
HHNH: But the Mongolians controlled most of Central Asia at one time....
Z: Exactly, and once we resolve these pesky issues with Japan and the Southeast Asian countries, we will turn our attention to Central Asia. After all, all of those lands west of Xinjiang Province were once part of the great Chinese Tang Dynasty! (He emphasizes "Chinese" with a puff of smoke.)
HHNH: Your country doesn't have any claims in North America, does it?
Z: We are exploring evidence that Chinese settlers may have come to the Western Hemisphere before the Europeans. One of your Western authors has written a book about this. Of course, we would not expel all the Europeans who are there now, but I believe we must work out a resource-sharing agreement with them and divide the lands equitably.
HHNH: Is there ANY part of the World that China cannot lay claim to?
Z: We have no historical connection to Chad. (He stubs out his cigarette emphatically.) By the way, I notice that you were born in China, Mr. Pterosaurish.
HHNH: Er... yes? Does China want to claim me too?
Z: (His uproarious laugh ends in a rasping cough.) No... no, Mr. Pterosaurish. Trust me... we don't want you... no way... (cough cough cough).
HHNH: Thank you for your time, Mr. Zhang.
Z: It was my pleasure.
Of course this position by a Great Power wannabe is intriguing, so yours truly – Hard Hitting News Hound – obtained an interview with a representative of the Chinese government.
Due to the interview ground rules, I am not able to reveal his name, except to say that he is a "high ranking cadre" in the State Council of the People's Republic of China.
I will call him Zhang.
HHNH (me): Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Zhang.
Zhang: It is my pleasure.
HHNH: I am interested in China's claims to islands south of Japan. What is your country's position about those islands.
Z: They are an inalienable part of Chinese territory.
HHNH: Taiwan also claims them; how do you feel about that?
Z: Taiwan is also an integral part of China, so its claim is merely an extension of our own. In any case, the whole Ryukyu Island archipelago was a part of the great Ming Dynasty, so Japan's claim even to Okinawa is dubious.
HHNH: What about the South China Sea? How can China claim areas that are clearly much closer to neighboring Southeast Asian nations such as Vietnam, Malaysia, or the Philippines.
Z: These areas have been part of China for hundreds of years. Our legitimate claim is based on historical fact.
HHNH: But the James Shoal, for example, is only 80 km from Malaysia but 1800 km from the nearest Chinese mainland.
Z: What are you talking about? That IS Chinese territory. Our claims are based on historical reality! They don't call it the South Malaysia Sea, do they? (He pulls a cigarette out of a package on his desk and furiously taps it on the arm of his chair.)
HHNH: But what about those islands that are so close to Vietnam? Surely they would be part of Vietnam, wouldn't they?
Z: Nonsense! Complete nonsense. Those islands belong to the People's Republic of China. In fact, Vietnam itself was once part of China during the Ming Dynasty, so we claim it too.
HHNH: I suppose the same applies to Tibet?
Z: Of course! Tibet was never an independent country. It has ALWAYS been an integral part of China from time immemorial! (He lights his cigarette and waves it around.)
HHNH: What other claims does China make to adjacent territories?
Z: You Westerners don't know much about history, do you? China traditionally ruled over what is now Korea as well.
HHNH: Korea?! But that is an independent country.
Z: Well, due to American imperialism, half of Korea has remained separated from us, but we Chinese can never forget that during the Yuen Dynasty it was a contiguous part of China.
HHNH: But wait a minute, wasn't the Yuen Dynasty a Mongolian dynasty?
Z: They became Chinese. And so we also claim Mongolia and parts of Russia that traditionally were included in the Yuen Empire.
HHNH: But the Mongolians controlled most of Central Asia at one time....
Z: Exactly, and once we resolve these pesky issues with Japan and the Southeast Asian countries, we will turn our attention to Central Asia. After all, all of those lands west of Xinjiang Province were once part of the great Chinese Tang Dynasty! (He emphasizes "Chinese" with a puff of smoke.)
HHNH: Your country doesn't have any claims in North America, does it?
Z: We are exploring evidence that Chinese settlers may have come to the Western Hemisphere before the Europeans. One of your Western authors has written a book about this. Of course, we would not expel all the Europeans who are there now, but I believe we must work out a resource-sharing agreement with them and divide the lands equitably.
HHNH: Is there ANY part of the World that China cannot lay claim to?
Z: We have no historical connection to Chad. (He stubs out his cigarette emphatically.) By the way, I notice that you were born in China, Mr. Pterosaurish.
HHNH: Er... yes? Does China want to claim me too?
Z: (His uproarious laugh ends in a rasping cough.) No... no, Mr. Pterosaurish. Trust me... we don't want you... no way... (cough cough cough).
HHNH: Thank you for your time, Mr. Zhang.
Z: It was my pleasure.
Monday, October 1, 2012
The Romney Repression
I am blab... er... blogging about politics today.
Yeah... yeah, I know. It's not funny, but it's FUN!
You will be delighted to know that both Mitt Romney (now running for President of the United States) and his running mate, Paul Ryan (now running for bucket of warm piss), are in the best of health! Mitt Romney (65) takes a "baby aspirin" everyday and is closely monitored for prostate cancer. Paul Ryan is also in the pink (not TOO red, right?), though his doctors feel that maybe he stretched the truth about his body fat.
Yeah... yeah, I know. It's not funny, but it's FUN!
You will be delighted to know that both Mitt Romney (now running for President of the United States) and his running mate, Paul Ryan (now running for bucket of warm piss), are in the best of health! Mitt Romney (65) takes a "baby aspirin" everyday and is closely monitored for prostate cancer. Paul Ryan is also in the pink (not TOO red, right?), though his doctors feel that maybe he stretched the truth about his body fat.
He said, they said; who you gonna believe, right?
So both of them are healthy specimens physically.
But what about their mental capacity?
What if they were suffering from serious mental illness; how would we know about it?
The doctors who gave them their physicals didn't ask them questions related to mental health.
Scenario
Dr.: "So, Mr. Romney... you are running for President. How do you handle all the pressure and so on; are you OK?
Romney: I am fine... I am very fine! Why do you ask such a question? Running for President is challenging. My wife just said so! I mean... if you don't like what I am doing, why don't YOU step up to the plate and do something?!!
Dr: It's not about me... but why don't you talk about that for a while? Tell us about "stepping up to the plate".....
Romney: Yeah! My father told me, "Mitt, never get involved in politics if you have to win an election to pay a mortgage." So, I am in politics because I feel that the right person needs to come forward and step up to the plate, step up to the plate and DO the job that needs to be done! In the country.... and in Washington and around the World. I am that right person.
Dr: "Stepping up to the plate" seems important to you... why don't you tell me about "stepping up to the plate" in detail. What does that mean to you in your life?
Romney: In my life?
Dr: Yes... what does it mean?
Romney: Well... er ... what does one do at the plate exactly?
Dr: I would like to know how you feel about it. What does "the plate" represent to you in YOUR life?
Romney: OK... I am ready to step up to the plate and eat whatever is on it! Even if it is ethnic or involves small varmints that I shot.
When I was a missionary in France someone gave me this plate of ... never mind... Anyway... I will eat anything.
Dr: It's not about me... but why don't you talk about that for a while? Tell us about "stepping up to the plate".....
Romney: Yeah! My father told me, "Mitt, never get involved in politics if you have to win an election to pay a mortgage." So, I am in politics because I feel that the right person needs to come forward and step up to the plate, step up to the plate and DO the job that needs to be done! In the country.... and in Washington and around the World. I am that right person.
Dr: "Stepping up to the plate" seems important to you... why don't you tell me about "stepping up to the plate" in detail. What does that mean to you in your life?
Romney: In my life?
Dr: Yes... what does it mean?
Romney: Well... er ... what does one do at the plate exactly?
Dr: I would like to know how you feel about it. What does "the plate" represent to you in YOUR life?
Romney: OK... I am ready to step up to the plate and eat whatever is on it! Even if it is ethnic or involves small varmints that I shot.
When I was a missionary in France someone gave me this plate of ... never mind... Anyway... I will eat anything.
Dr: Small varmints? I see... And you were a missionary in France? Can you talk a little more about that?
Romney: Yes... I ... er... I was working out of a Mormon Church and bicycling around with my helmet and necktie and trying to get people to come to my church?
Dr: I see... and... why were you doing this?
Romeny: Well... it was something we all did... ha ha... like going to dances or ... hanging out together... you know... like norm... er... other people do.... heh heh.
Dr: I see.... and you "stepped up to the plate" in France?
Romney: Oh! Yes.... I ate everything they gave me. I would eat EVERYTHING on the plate and I would not find it offensive even if it were ethnic or French. I mean – after all – my father was raised in Mexico! I am a Latino once removed! You cannot out-ethnic me! Ha Ha!
Dr: I see... So let me prescribe....
Romney: Yes... I ... er... I was working out of a Mormon Church and bicycling around with my helmet and necktie and trying to get people to come to my church?
Dr: I see... and... why were you doing this?
Romeny: Well... it was something we all did... ha ha... like going to dances or ... hanging out together... you know... like norm... er... other people do.... heh heh.
Dr: I see.... and you "stepped up to the plate" in France?
Romney: Oh! Yes.... I ate everything they gave me. I would eat EVERYTHING on the plate and I would not find it offensive even if it were ethnic or French. I mean – after all – my father was raised in Mexico! I am a Latino once removed! You cannot out-ethnic me! Ha Ha!
Dr: I see... So let me prescribe....
So... I know... I know... it's a dirty nasty job, but SOMEbody has to do it, right?
I volunteer to check out their mental health.
WARNING! Pterosaurish is not a mental-health professional.
Notwithstanding... (can you believe that is one word?) let's have a look at their mental health.
First of all, why don't we just eliminate Ryan from this investigation? Since both candidates are in such great health, even IF Romney is elected, he will likely serve out his full term and Ryan will not have to step into his Presidential shoes on account of sudden death.
So back to Mr. Romney.
He made that recently famous statement about the 47% of Americans who "are dependent upon government, who believe that they are
victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for
them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to
housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government
should give it to them". And shouldn't they quit being whining, moochers on the "job creators", right?
He is clearly ticked off about people, free-loading off of the rest of us tax-paying citizens.
Who wouldn't be?
Unless it was your own parents.
Oops! We have a problem.
1. Mitt Romney hates people mooching off the "job creators" who obviously pay ALL the taxes and even make government possible.
2. His own parents were mooching off the "job creators" who obviously pay ALL the taxes and even make government possible.
This sounds like a psychological issue to me, simple though I may be.
Especially since he was the youngest child in his family.
Everyone knows the "baby of the family" is coddled relentlessly, so why did he develop these symptoms of hating his parents so much that he would not even allow them to mooch off his largess in the tax scheme of things?
Since I am not a mental health professional, at times like these, I consult the DSM IV (for you laypeople, this is holy scripture for the psychology community).
Apparently, last born children "may be more
likely to experience personality problems later in
life".
Why?
"This is the child who grows up knowing
that he has the least amount of power in the whole
family. He sees his older siblings having more
freedom and more superiority. He also gets
pampered and protected more than any other child
did. This could leave him with a sense that he
cannot take on the world alone and will always be
inferior to others."
Clearly Romney has unresolved issues related to his up-bringing that might impact his ability to function as President, and he is acting out his hostility towards his parents by denying them (psychically) their claim to government largess. He even said he would have a "better shot of winning" if his parents were Latino. By being hostile to the "moochers" in our society, he is finally "coming into his own" relative to his siblings, asserting his superiority over the accomplishments of his parents. He is definitely working through these serious mental symptoms, but at what cost? Even his wife is concerned about his "mental well-being" if he becomes President.
What IS it with Republican Presidential nominees these days?
What IS it with Republican Presidential nominees these days?
George W. did this too, of course, wanting to outdo his father, even starting an unnecessary war over it (remember that?). Fortunately, Mitt is not in a position to start a war (yet), so what we see are these psychological chickens from his past, coming home to roost on his policies today. Mitt only wants to be elected President – very badly. He will say anything at all and adjust his positions 180° if necessary to get elected (and has), truly the etch-a-sketch man.
Compared to him, President Obama with his single-parent, bi-cultural, multi-ethnic background seems simple! Simple is something I can relate to.
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