Everywhere you look there are beauty tips for women that tell them how to avoid looking old (don't wear blush on the "apples" of your cheeks) or how to look younger INSTANTLY (wear bright blush on the "apples" of your cheeks). Unfortunately, there are almost no beauty hints out there for men. As all of my friends know, I am very fashionable and up-to-date in my appearance, so this week I would like to provide 10 beauty hints for men that will keep you looking young and full of vim and vigor and increase your appeal to women.
1. Women adore men who have dramatic hair, so having lots of dramatic hair will help you to look younger. Going bald? No problem. You need to buy a toupee. Even rich and famous people like John Travolta make use of this tried and true technique for a more youthful style! Another solution is to do creative combing. Nothing will get the attention of those hot women faster than that dramatic head of hair.
2. As we age, we metabolize foods and beverages differently than we did when we were – say – 20. You can hide these developments with the right clothing. A tight fitting waistband will go a long way towards giving you that slim look that all the women crave. It helps to do a few sit-ups and not eat so much too.
3. Body hair is not popular among women today. Even famous politicians, such as Congressman Weiner, wax away their chest hair before tweeting images of themselves to avid supporters. Waxing is expensive, however, so don't be afraid to go with other cover ups, if you want to get that cool date.
4. It's a myth that women are not visually oriented. They only pretend not to notice when a hot guy walks by in sexy clothes. This means that you should stimulate this interest by wearing clothes that will set you apart from the crowd. At the beach, why not strut your stuff with this swimsuit – new for 2011? Or bring out the rip-snorting female in your women friends by greeting them at the door when they come home from work in this sexy item! They will not be able to resist your charms!
5. Muscles are also quite the rage among women these days. They all want their men to be muscled up and looking manly. While not everyone can look as good as this, you should make an effort to develop some muscles. Choose a part of your body that looks like it might have potential already and work on that at first. Be careful of which muscle group you select and try to keep some balance in your routine, however. In this photo, we can see how he has carefully developed his forearms and wrists but sadly neglected other parts of his body.
6. Tattoos are all the rage these days and VERY manly. Don't do something passé like getting an anchor or someone's name tattooed on your chest, but rather try to make a unique statement that will keep you showing your interest in your date!
7. I would be remiss here if I didn't talk a little about everyday fashion – not just the sexy statements we men should all be making on those special occasions as mentioned in # 4 above. Every man wants to be unique, so try to avoid looking like every other guy on the street! First of all, forget that boring banker look with your suit and go into work wearing something more distinctive. The woman in the next cubicle whom you have been admiring will fall head over heels in love with you!
8. Accessories are important too! Nothing will fade that fashionable suit faster than some boring watch from Sports Store Anonymous. No! You want to stand out and make a statement. Forget the watch; you have a cell phone, don't you? You need to accessorize in a provocative way. This is what the ladies want! A purse to carry your cell phone and other gear is just the ticket. These are all the rage in the Euro community where men are MEN and women like them just that way!
9. Developing a good color-sense is also important. Women appreciate men whose clothing reflects a masculine sensitivity to what goes with what. Don't always pick the obviously dramatic pairings, even subtle pastels can work well in layers together.
10. Finally, women these days like tall men. The average American man is only about 178 cm (5'10") tall, so if you are vertically challenged, don't be shy about compensating with some subtle foot wear such as these shoes! The women will only notice that they can finally look up to you!
So why not leave that "old you" behind and turn over a new beauty leaf? What have you got to lose?
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
How to German Wines
Last week after some hard-hitting investigation, I debunked the idea that people were shy about accurate alcohol information on their wine labels – a journalistic high moment. But that got me to thinking that maybe I should perform other public services and give back more to the community.
I did pass on information about how to understand cricket – many months ago – so in that same civic spirit, I would like to provide some useful hints about wine, specifically, how to read a German wine label.
It is a well-known fact that German wines are the most comprehensively labeled wines in the world. They provide a wealth of information, enabling the wine drinker to pick the right wine "for the job", so to speak. Regrettably, the information is in German, so the English-speaking "lay person" is at a disadvantage in deciphering what is on the label.
This is where I come in. Endless hours of research have given me unique insights into German wine-label cryptography, so I am happy to pass along a few tidbits of useful intelligence to you, the crypto-challenged "lay person".
First, good German wines are ranked according to how long the grapes have been ripening on the vines. This ranking is called "Prädikat". I cannot figure out why they put two dots over the 'a' when a plain 'a' would work just as well, but "Prädikat" means "predicate", in English. As you all know from when you studied French in high school, the predicate is actually the verb. You underline it twice when you diagram sentences, and all the other lines come off from it: the adverbs, the relative clauses, the objects of the verb and so on. So in German wine labeling, all the rankings branch off from this "verb", too.
"What are the rankings," you ask?
A very good and timely question.
The lowest ranking is "Kabinett". As you might have guessed, the word "Kabinett" in German is related to the English word "Cabinet" which itself comes from French. The French, of course, used it as "cabinet de toilette", so this wine is of a quality to be drunk in the toilet (or other "kabinetts"), preferably alone.
Let's move to the next level of quality, "Spätlese". Once again we see the 'a' with two dots over it. I really wish they would cut this out, as I have no idea how to pronounce it – even in my brain. You know what happens when you eat ice cream too fast? That is sort of what happens when I try to pronounce "Spätlese" in my head¹. Whatever the pronunciation, this ranking is a little higher than the "kabinett" one, but if you drink too much of it, you will probably "spät up", so it's best to go easy on it.
Moving right along, the next ranking is "Auslese". "Aus" means "off" in German and "lese" means "vintage", but this vintage is not "off" as we understand the word. Ha ha! This wine is good enough to take "off" the shelf in the "kabinett" – sort of like "coming out of the closet". You could even serve it to friends!
The fourth level of quality is called "Beerenauslese". We might read this in English as "beer 'n' auslese". Like "Auslese" above, this one is definitely good enough to serve guests, but should be drunk with beer. Those Germans! I would recommend a small glass of the wine followed by a stein of beer drunk as a chaser.
Next up the chain of command, so to speak, is "Eiswein". This means exactly what it sounds like, "ice wine". Although most of us would NEVER EVER put ice in our wines, in Germany this is what is required for this wine. It is so concentrated in its flavor that you should add ice to it to "weäken or dilüte it" before drinking.
The final level of quality is called "Trockenbeerenauslese". "Trocken" is German for "dry". This is also a wine that – as with simple "Beerenauslese" – you drink with beer. The difference is that you must drink both the bottle of wine and the stein of beer "dry". It is a cultural thing similar to the Japanese "kampai" or the Chinese "Gan bei" which means to "dry your cup", except you are dealing with a much larger volume, since you have to kill the whole bottle PLUS the large stein of beer. Be careful about "Späting" this one up too.
I hope these simple hints have been useful for you and that next time when you go to your local wine shop you will be able to casually bandy about these terms with the wine merchant, demonstrating how you have graduated from "lay person" to "person" in the wine world!
Cheers! Or as they say in Swedish, skål. It just goes to show that you can put a lot of things over the 'a' in other languages. Be thankful that you speak English and don't need to worry about them.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ For you Japanese-speakers, it would be like trying to pronounce カ° .
I did pass on information about how to understand cricket – many months ago – so in that same civic spirit, I would like to provide some useful hints about wine, specifically, how to read a German wine label.
It is a well-known fact that German wines are the most comprehensively labeled wines in the world. They provide a wealth of information, enabling the wine drinker to pick the right wine "for the job", so to speak. Regrettably, the information is in German, so the English-speaking "lay person" is at a disadvantage in deciphering what is on the label.
This is where I come in. Endless hours of research have given me unique insights into German wine-label cryptography, so I am happy to pass along a few tidbits of useful intelligence to you, the crypto-challenged "lay person".
First, good German wines are ranked according to how long the grapes have been ripening on the vines. This ranking is called "Prädikat". I cannot figure out why they put two dots over the 'a' when a plain 'a' would work just as well, but "Prädikat" means "predicate", in English. As you all know from when you studied French in high school, the predicate is actually the verb. You underline it twice when you diagram sentences, and all the other lines come off from it: the adverbs, the relative clauses, the objects of the verb and so on. So in German wine labeling, all the rankings branch off from this "verb", too.
"What are the rankings," you ask?
A very good and timely question.
The lowest ranking is "Kabinett". As you might have guessed, the word "Kabinett" in German is related to the English word "Cabinet" which itself comes from French. The French, of course, used it as "cabinet de toilette", so this wine is of a quality to be drunk in the toilet (or other "kabinetts"), preferably alone.
Let's move to the next level of quality, "Spätlese". Once again we see the 'a' with two dots over it. I really wish they would cut this out, as I have no idea how to pronounce it – even in my brain. You know what happens when you eat ice cream too fast? That is sort of what happens when I try to pronounce "Spätlese" in my head¹. Whatever the pronunciation, this ranking is a little higher than the "kabinett" one, but if you drink too much of it, you will probably "spät up", so it's best to go easy on it.
Moving right along, the next ranking is "Auslese". "Aus" means "off" in German and "lese" means "vintage", but this vintage is not "off" as we understand the word. Ha ha! This wine is good enough to take "off" the shelf in the "kabinett" – sort of like "coming out of the closet". You could even serve it to friends!
The fourth level of quality is called "Beerenauslese". We might read this in English as "beer 'n' auslese". Like "Auslese" above, this one is definitely good enough to serve guests, but should be drunk with beer. Those Germans! I would recommend a small glass of the wine followed by a stein of beer drunk as a chaser.
Next up the chain of command, so to speak, is "Eiswein". This means exactly what it sounds like, "ice wine". Although most of us would NEVER EVER put ice in our wines, in Germany this is what is required for this wine. It is so concentrated in its flavor that you should add ice to it to "weäken or dilüte it" before drinking.
The final level of quality is called "Trockenbeerenauslese". "Trocken" is German for "dry". This is also a wine that – as with simple "Beerenauslese" – you drink with beer. The difference is that you must drink both the bottle of wine and the stein of beer "dry". It is a cultural thing similar to the Japanese "kampai" or the Chinese "Gan bei" which means to "dry your cup", except you are dealing with a much larger volume, since you have to kill the whole bottle PLUS the large stein of beer. Be careful about "Späting" this one up too.
I hope these simple hints have been useful for you and that next time when you go to your local wine shop you will be able to casually bandy about these terms with the wine merchant, demonstrating how you have graduated from "lay person" to "person" in the wine world!
Cheers! Or as they say in Swedish, skål. It just goes to show that you can put a lot of things over the 'a' in other languages. Be thankful that you speak English and don't need to worry about them.
- - - - - - - - - -
¹ For you Japanese-speakers, it would be like trying to pronounce カ° .
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Global Warming Could Make You Drunk
It has always been my belief that global warming can be blamed for just about everything.
People more surly to you in the supermarket?
Global warming.
Economy class seats getting smaller?
No question about it – global warming.
And now, something I did not even suspect! It looks like global warming may be influencing the alcohol content of wine. In an earlier post, I discussed how food manufacturers really don't know what they are putting into their products, so I was concerned that the same was happening to wine.
As an everyday wino... er... connoisseur of wine, I was worried that more alcohol might be sneaking into my favorite vintages without the wine makers knowing about it. You will be relieved to know that this is not the case. Vintners know all about the increases in alcohol content but simply choose not to label it.
"Why," You ask?
A very good question indeed.
As it turns out, producers think that people drink wine in some sophisticated way that makes them not like to think about the alcohol content – the "body" and the "finish" are more important than the "high".
Can you believe THAT?!
I couldn't.
A Hard Hitting News Hound needs to get to the bottom of controversies like this and find out who these sophisticates are and what it is about wines that they pay attention to. I decided to do on-the-spot interviews of wine drinkers and get their direct opinions.
Interview 1:
HHNH: Excuse me, Sir... is that wine you are drinking there?
Wine Drinker: (pulling down brown paper bag to check label) Yesh... wantshum? Have a... hic... a... have a sheat.
HHNH: Um... don't you think we might be safer over there on the curb? Here... let me help you....
By the way, did you know that your wine's alcohol content might be higher than what is shown on the label?
WD: Huh? My Thunderbird?
HHNH: Yes. Global warming is increasing the alcohol content of wines and wine makers are not showing it on the label for fear of turning wine drinkers away.
WD: It shaysh right here... 18%. You mean it might be higher than that even?
HHNH: Yesh... I mean, yes. It could be as much as 19%. How does that make you feel?
WD: I guh... hic ... guess, I am OK with that. I get more bang for my buck, show to shpeak?
HHNH: It doesn't bother you? You don't feel betrayed by your sommelier?
WD: My what? You sure you don't want shum? Ish good and now even better.
HHNH: Well, maybe one swig for research purposes...
Interview 2:
HHNH: Hiya guys! Is that wine you're drinking up there?
Wine Drinker 1: Yup. Want some? Come on up! We always have a lot of stuff to drink around here.
Wine Drinker 2: Beta Theta Pi ROCKS!
WD1: Yeah!
Here... try this!
HHNH: Did you hear that global warming might be... hey, wait a minute... what IS this stuff?
WD1: It's our shpecial wine punch! We call it "BTP BOOM". It's fantash... fanta...fran... it's aweshum!
HHNH: Holy crap! What is IN here anyway?!
WD2: It's got wine... an'... an'... what else did you put in there, Jethro?
WD1: Lessee... there's the wine... an' the... PGA, an' the fruit juish.
HHNH: Wow. Are my eyes watering?
WD1: Yesh... don' worry. They will stop.
HHNH: Show you guys don' care about the increash in alcohol in the wine due to... due to... glo... global warming?
WD2: Wow, man... are you kidding?! No way! We Beta Theta Piers shay, the more the merrier!
Interview 3:
HHNH: Good evening, Father. Thank you for letting me come here to interview you.
Priest: You are most welcome, my son. What is wrong with your eyes? They are bright red and watering. Have you been crying? Perhaps you came for the solace of the confessional?
HHNH: Er... no. I just have a few questions to ask as a journalist.
Priest: What is it you wish to know?
HHNH: I was wondering if you were aware that global warming may be increasing the alcohol content of your sacramental wines and that the makers are not putting this information on the labels.
Priest: We follow strict Catholic doctrine about sacramental wines. It transubstantiates, you know.
HHNH: It what?
Priest: We believe in transubstantiation, that the bread and wine of the Holy Eucharist change into the body and blood of Christ.
HHNH: Um... Say what?
Priest: We believe that through the power of the Living God, when the items of the Eucharist are consecrated they change in their substance. The "look" may appear to be the same, but in fact they undergo the Holy Transubstantiation as said by Jesus at the Last Supper. For the bread, he said, "Take, eat: this is My Body, which is broken for you for the remission of sins."
And for the wine, "Drink of it, all of you: this is My Blood of the New Testament, which is shed for you and for many, for the remission of sins."
HHNH: So the wine actually changes to blood?
Priest: Yes, the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.
HHNH: Eww.
Priest: Eww?
HHNH: Never mind. Well... er... are you concerned that the alcohol content of the blood might be getting higher due to global warming?
Priest: Um... no, (paging through the General Instruction of the Roman Missal) Catholic doctrine does not say anything about the alcohol content so long as it is wine.
But wait...
I have noticed the choir boys have been a little more rosy of cheek lately; it might not be just from the spankings...
Excuse me... I need to check on something.
I also interviewed several of my friends, and not one of them, not ONE, is disturbed by this trend toward stronger wines. One even remarked, "Bring it on!" Clearly, labeling the wines accurately would not put any of them off at all.
So investigative journalism reveals that the wine makers' concern that they might turn off drinkers by labeling their bottles properly is clearly unfounded. I call on them to go ahead and let us know the actual alcohol content of their products. For as we all know "In vino veritas" and the other way around too.
People more surly to you in the supermarket?
Global warming.
Economy class seats getting smaller?
No question about it – global warming.
And now, something I did not even suspect! It looks like global warming may be influencing the alcohol content of wine. In an earlier post, I discussed how food manufacturers really don't know what they are putting into their products, so I was concerned that the same was happening to wine.
As an everyday wino... er... connoisseur of wine, I was worried that more alcohol might be sneaking into my favorite vintages without the wine makers knowing about it. You will be relieved to know that this is not the case. Vintners know all about the increases in alcohol content but simply choose not to label it.
"Why," You ask?
A very good question indeed.
As it turns out, producers think that people drink wine in some sophisticated way that makes them not like to think about the alcohol content – the "body" and the "finish" are more important than the "high".
Can you believe THAT?!
I couldn't.
A Hard Hitting News Hound needs to get to the bottom of controversies like this and find out who these sophisticates are and what it is about wines that they pay attention to. I decided to do on-the-spot interviews of wine drinkers and get their direct opinions.
Interview 1:
HHNH: Excuse me, Sir... is that wine you are drinking there?
Wine Drinker: (pulling down brown paper bag to check label) Yesh... wantshum? Have a... hic... a... have a sheat.
HHNH: Um... don't you think we might be safer over there on the curb? Here... let me help you....
By the way, did you know that your wine's alcohol content might be higher than what is shown on the label?
WD: Huh? My Thunderbird?
HHNH: Yes. Global warming is increasing the alcohol content of wines and wine makers are not showing it on the label for fear of turning wine drinkers away.
WD: It shaysh right here... 18%. You mean it might be higher than that even?
HHNH: Yesh... I mean, yes. It could be as much as 19%. How does that make you feel?
WD: I guh... hic ... guess, I am OK with that. I get more bang for my buck, show to shpeak?
HHNH: It doesn't bother you? You don't feel betrayed by your sommelier?
WD: My what? You sure you don't want shum? Ish good and now even better.
HHNH: Well, maybe one swig for research purposes...
Interview 2:
HHNH: Hiya guys! Is that wine you're drinking up there?
Wine Drinker 1: Yup. Want some? Come on up! We always have a lot of stuff to drink around here.
Wine Drinker 2: Beta Theta Pi ROCKS!
WD1: Yeah!
Here... try this!
HHNH: Did you hear that global warming might be... hey, wait a minute... what IS this stuff?
WD1: It's our shpecial wine punch! We call it "BTP BOOM". It's fantash... fanta...fran... it's aweshum!
HHNH: Holy crap! What is IN here anyway?!
WD2: It's got wine... an'... an'... what else did you put in there, Jethro?
WD1: Lessee... there's the wine... an' the... PGA, an' the fruit juish.
HHNH: Wow. Are my eyes watering?
WD1: Yesh... don' worry. They will stop.
HHNH: Show you guys don' care about the increash in alcohol in the wine due to... due to... glo... global warming?
WD2: Wow, man... are you kidding?! No way! We Beta Theta Piers shay, the more the merrier!
Interview 3:
HHNH: Good evening, Father. Thank you for letting me come here to interview you.
Priest: You are most welcome, my son. What is wrong with your eyes? They are bright red and watering. Have you been crying? Perhaps you came for the solace of the confessional?
HHNH: Er... no. I just have a few questions to ask as a journalist.
Priest: What is it you wish to know?
HHNH: I was wondering if you were aware that global warming may be increasing the alcohol content of your sacramental wines and that the makers are not putting this information on the labels.
Priest: We follow strict Catholic doctrine about sacramental wines. It transubstantiates, you know.
HHNH: It what?
Priest: We believe in transubstantiation, that the bread and wine of the Holy Eucharist change into the body and blood of Christ.
HHNH: Um... Say what?
Priest: We believe that through the power of the Living God, when the items of the Eucharist are consecrated they change in their substance. The "look" may appear to be the same, but in fact they undergo the Holy Transubstantiation as said by Jesus at the Last Supper. For the bread, he said, "Take, eat: this is My Body, which is broken for you for the remission of sins."
And for the wine, "Drink of it, all of you: this is My Blood of the New Testament, which is shed for you and for many, for the remission of sins."
HHNH: So the wine actually changes to blood?
Priest: Yes, the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.
HHNH: Eww.
Priest: Eww?
HHNH: Never mind. Well... er... are you concerned that the alcohol content of the blood might be getting higher due to global warming?
Priest: Um... no, (paging through the General Instruction of the Roman Missal) Catholic doctrine does not say anything about the alcohol content so long as it is wine.
But wait...
I have noticed the choir boys have been a little more rosy of cheek lately; it might not be just from the spankings...
Excuse me... I need to check on something.
I also interviewed several of my friends, and not one of them, not ONE, is disturbed by this trend toward stronger wines. One even remarked, "Bring it on!" Clearly, labeling the wines accurately would not put any of them off at all.
So investigative journalism reveals that the wine makers' concern that they might turn off drinkers by labeling their bottles properly is clearly unfounded. I call on them to go ahead and let us know the actual alcohol content of their products. For as we all know "In vino veritas" and the other way around too.
Monday, July 4, 2011
10 Weight-losing and Orgasmic Tips to Writing Advice-Essay Titles
One thing I have noticed, living in the USA is that everyone here is really into self-help. Magazine covers in the checkout line at the supermarket shout, "How to Get 20 lbs of Cellulite Off Your Butt In Ten Minutes!" and "10 Ways to Fit That Bikini by the 4th of July Weekend!" The internet too, is simply swimming with advice on how to make your life better. Check out how to pick up women on the airplane.
This one is even more pertinent in today's bad job market: how not to get fired. It's important to remember that the title is what counts. The content doesn't have to be incisive.
Tip number one for how not to get fired? Do your job.
Duh.
It's easy to write an advice essay; even you can do it at home in your spare time and make lots of money. But to get readers to pay attention, you need to have that eye-catcher!
So without further ado, let's look at how to create fantastic titles!
1. One key to a catchy column is to have a number. This makes it easy to follow and allows the reader to decide how much attention span is needed to read the whole thing. Round numbers are better, more approachable somehow.
"10 Ways to Eat All You Want and Not Look Like the Graf Zeppelin" is better than, say, "23 Ways to Find Out if You Have Irritable Bowel Syndrome".
2. Adding a celebrity's name to your title will also get attention. You have to tie the celebrity to your readers' realities though, so "Angelina's Brave Hints for Achieving Orgasm with Brad" will not have the broader appeal of "John Travolta's Struggle with Thigh Friction".
3. A surprising title is good too. You want to get people's attention. Stating the obvious in your title, no matter how round your numbers are, will not work in today's America. So "5 Steps to Getting Drunk" is not as good as "5 Ways to Get Drunk for Free".
4. People in the US are very concerned about their weight. The planet could be in mortal danger from an approaching asteroid, but Americans would still be buying magazines with articles entitled, "Get That Flat Abdomen by Next Summer". So it's a good idea to suggest a weight theme in your title: "How to Avoid Gangrene in an Economy Class Seat".
5. America is a "can do" nation, and nobody wants to hear that something is difficult, or even impossible. You need to make these things sound like a lark. Don't get too carried away with it, however. "How to Lose 150 lbs by Next Weekend" is simply over the top. Nobody will believe that such a thing is even remotely possible and will not read your article. A better title would be "New Weight Loss Miracle Will Get You Into that Bikini by Next Weekend". The magazines will literally fly off the shelves! "No Pain, No Gain" is a bad title for a popular article on exercising tips. Only the serious physical fitness buff wants to experience pain. Much better would be "Shed 10 lbs a Week in Only Two Minutes a Day". It's not necessary to reveal in the title that the 2 minutes a day are the only time you are allowed to eat.
6. Diets are hugely popular. There are new ones popping up literally every week, so you need to make yours sound unique and – most importantly – easy. Nobody wants to read "Lose Weight by Not Eating So Much You Fat Pig!" What they want is, "The Chocolate Cake Diet" or "The All You Can Eat Way to a Slimmer You".
7. Romance and relationships are right up there with dieting and weight loss in the advice articles. Again, being too obvious will limit your readership. "Why You Shouldn't Pick Your Feet on the First Date", for example, is too narrow and appeals only to a limited audience of really troubled people. It would be much better to expand your readership possibilities with "How Ugly, Fat Guys get the Gorgeous Women", or "How Losers Find Love". Your readers will feel superior right away but read your article just in case.
8. Making people worry about something that they didn't even know existed is also a good tactic. "How Your Large Intestine May be Holding You Back in Your Career", for example, would be a brilliant title for a self-help article. Causing suspicion is a correlative line to this theme: "What Your Doctor is Not Revealing to You about Your Ureter", or "Why Your Therapist Won't Tell You You're Hopeless".
9. Appealing to (if that is the proper expression) your readers' feelings of inadequacy or dread is a surefire way to be successful. For men: "Why You Will Always Fall Short in Bed" or for women: "Why Your Man will Stray". Sowing fear can be a successful approach as well, "How Your Shower can Cause Hemorrhagic Shock".
10. Finally, using the word "orgasm" will guarantee a large readership, "The Orgasmic Way to Cook Oatmeal", or "The Orgasmic Way to Weight Loss". The first would be a practical article for home keepers, while the second would have a broader appeal to millions of Americans.
So there you have it – 10 title writing tips to set you on your way to a great advice essay!
This one is even more pertinent in today's bad job market: how not to get fired. It's important to remember that the title is what counts. The content doesn't have to be incisive.
Tip number one for how not to get fired? Do your job.
Duh.
It's easy to write an advice essay; even you can do it at home in your spare time and make lots of money. But to get readers to pay attention, you need to have that eye-catcher!
So without further ado, let's look at how to create fantastic titles!
1. One key to a catchy column is to have a number. This makes it easy to follow and allows the reader to decide how much attention span is needed to read the whole thing. Round numbers are better, more approachable somehow.
"10 Ways to Eat All You Want and Not Look Like the Graf Zeppelin" is better than, say, "23 Ways to Find Out if You Have Irritable Bowel Syndrome".
2. Adding a celebrity's name to your title will also get attention. You have to tie the celebrity to your readers' realities though, so "Angelina's Brave Hints for Achieving Orgasm with Brad" will not have the broader appeal of "John Travolta's Struggle with Thigh Friction".
3. A surprising title is good too. You want to get people's attention. Stating the obvious in your title, no matter how round your numbers are, will not work in today's America. So "5 Steps to Getting Drunk" is not as good as "5 Ways to Get Drunk for Free".
4. People in the US are very concerned about their weight. The planet could be in mortal danger from an approaching asteroid, but Americans would still be buying magazines with articles entitled, "Get That Flat Abdomen by Next Summer". So it's a good idea to suggest a weight theme in your title: "How to Avoid Gangrene in an Economy Class Seat".
5. America is a "can do" nation, and nobody wants to hear that something is difficult, or even impossible. You need to make these things sound like a lark. Don't get too carried away with it, however. "How to Lose 150 lbs by Next Weekend" is simply over the top. Nobody will believe that such a thing is even remotely possible and will not read your article. A better title would be "New Weight Loss Miracle Will Get You Into that Bikini by Next Weekend". The magazines will literally fly off the shelves! "No Pain, No Gain" is a bad title for a popular article on exercising tips. Only the serious physical fitness buff wants to experience pain. Much better would be "Shed 10 lbs a Week in Only Two Minutes a Day". It's not necessary to reveal in the title that the 2 minutes a day are the only time you are allowed to eat.
6. Diets are hugely popular. There are new ones popping up literally every week, so you need to make yours sound unique and – most importantly – easy. Nobody wants to read "Lose Weight by Not Eating So Much You Fat Pig!" What they want is, "The Chocolate Cake Diet" or "The All You Can Eat Way to a Slimmer You".
7. Romance and relationships are right up there with dieting and weight loss in the advice articles. Again, being too obvious will limit your readership. "Why You Shouldn't Pick Your Feet on the First Date", for example, is too narrow and appeals only to a limited audience of really troubled people. It would be much better to expand your readership possibilities with "How Ugly, Fat Guys get the Gorgeous Women", or "How Losers Find Love". Your readers will feel superior right away but read your article just in case.
8. Making people worry about something that they didn't even know existed is also a good tactic. "How Your Large Intestine May be Holding You Back in Your Career", for example, would be a brilliant title for a self-help article. Causing suspicion is a correlative line to this theme: "What Your Doctor is Not Revealing to You about Your Ureter", or "Why Your Therapist Won't Tell You You're Hopeless".
9. Appealing to (if that is the proper expression) your readers' feelings of inadequacy or dread is a surefire way to be successful. For men: "Why You Will Always Fall Short in Bed" or for women: "Why Your Man will Stray". Sowing fear can be a successful approach as well, "How Your Shower can Cause Hemorrhagic Shock".
10. Finally, using the word "orgasm" will guarantee a large readership, "The Orgasmic Way to Cook Oatmeal", or "The Orgasmic Way to Weight Loss". The first would be a practical article for home keepers, while the second would have a broader appeal to millions of Americans.
So there you have it – 10 title writing tips to set you on your way to a great advice essay!
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