If there is anything funnier than the silly tips I write from time to time, it's the pointers offered in seriousness by other writers.
Consider these from the Huffington Post travel columnists. Based on the recommendations of a psychiatrist, they present 10 tips for nervous flyers. Why 10 instead of – say – five or six? 10 is a nice, round number, and while some of the items overlap, nice, round numbers work better.
So let's get on with it! How can we nervous nellies make our flying experience less stressful?
1. Prepare yourself mentally
Here the nervous flyers are advised to think about whether they have the willingness to suffer the fear of flying in a tradeoff for the gain of – say – visiting grandma in Poughkeepsie. If the answer is yes, then they need to prepare for the flight mentally. Perhaps they could steel themselves for the event by image training. Hours before the flight, they could mentally picture themselves being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube and hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. That would be a great way to reduce fear, no?
2. Prepare to be distracted
This advice does not mean that you should happily anticipate the witty comments of the Southwest Airlines flight attendants. It means that you need to bring enough stuff with you to distract yourself from your thoughts of being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube, hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. You should "listen to music" or "do puzzles". Let's see.... 3 DOWN: 6-letter verb used for when a bird gets sucked into a jet engine.
3. Breathe
No, this is not as "duh" as it seems. Of course you should breathe! The psychiatrist's advice means that you need to practice "soothing breathing". With this you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It is very calming. And after the person sitting next to you requests a different seat, you will have more room and won't be so hemmed in. It's a good idea to practice this "soothing breathing" at home first, since doing it for 13 hours on that flight from New York to Tokyo might cause hyperventilation and result in your passing out. Which, come to think of it, could be a plus for the panicky flyer!
4. Use an app to focus on breathing
No, I didn't make this one up to be silly. And yes, it really is a part of #3 above, but they needed 10 points, so it was given its own space. Of course you are not allowed to "use an app" during the scariest part of the flight, taking off and landing, but never mind about that.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, sir! All electronic devices must be turned off and stowed during take off!
You: But this is my breathing app!
Passenger next to you: Excuse me, miss? Can I move to another seat, please?
5. Remember that panic will pass
True. When they divert the flight to Denver because you have passed out from your hyperventilation, your panic will pass once you are on the ground. The other passengers who are missing their connecting flights to their important engagements, however, might have a different feeling.
6. Find out what you're afraid of
Let me see. I am a panicky flyer. What could I possibly be afraid of? Hmm... how about that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board? Nah.... THAT couldn't be it.
7. Focus on the positive
OK. I am POSITIVE that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and
will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground,
cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all
on board.
8. Learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Let me guess, does this approach start with me buying a book? Maybe I can use this to distract me as in #2 above. Uh, no... three books. This technique involves "tapping" on your "energy meridians" to harness the power of acupuncture in stress relief. While this – along with the breathing – might get the person sitting next to you to change seats, thus giving you more room, as Wikipedia tartly puts it EFT "has not garnered significant support in clinical psychology". (Makes you wonder about the psychiatrist giving the advice for this column.)
9. Know when it's time to seek professional help
Flight Attendant: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, is there a psychiatrist on board today's flight? If so, please indicate where you are sitting by pushing the call button above your seat?
10. Read a book
Let me guess, does this recommendation involve me buying the psychiatrist's book? Yep... but we don't want to include it in "being prepared to be distracted" above, do we. Giving it its own number will definitely benefit sales.
Columns like this make me want to start my own advice column. How hard could it be? Anyone out there need sage advice about something?
Monday, September 30, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Checklist for Senility
I have written here on a number of occasions about issues that affect us seniors and how to make our "golden" years more meaningful. Important challenges such as how not to be dead stress us at every turn. But none plagues us more than the worry over losing our mental faculties. We have explored some of the techniques you can use to enhance your mental capabilities, but there always remains that nagging worry, "Am I losing it?"
Today I would once again like to address this topic of concern by laying out a diagnosis tool that you can use in the privacy of your own home to find out if your loved one is getting senile or not.
First of all, let's define our terms.
I find that there is nothing worse in self-help articles than when the author fails to define terms and leads the reader off into a wasteland of ill-conceived advice. I mean, when you are talking about intestinal bloating, wouldn't it be a good idea to know that standing near an open flame would not be a good idea? Hello?
Some authors are just irresponsible.
Anyway, the main definition we need to be concerned with here is for "mental faculties". The simplest way to think of this is to imagine your brain is like a university. As with most universities, it is divided up into different faculties. And like at university, each of these operates independent of each other, getting together periodically for usually boring but sometimes contentious meetings where Prof. F. goes on and on about his plans for the department that have already been dismissed as stupid and untenable ten years ago.
But I digress. And while I am digressing, did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
Getting that out of the way, we can now proceed to the test. Keep score on a piece of paper, so you can add up the results at the end of this article.
1. Does your loved one sometimes walk into a room and forget why he went there? 10 points
2. Is he over 60 and doing #1 above? 0 points
3. Is he under 60 and not drinking and doing #1 above? 10 points
4. Does he sometimes misplace items, putting the car keys into the cat bowls and the cat food into his pocket, for example? 10 points
5. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
6. Does he tell the same stories or jokes to the same people again and again. 10 points
7. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
8. Does he start a project and then get distracted half-way through and abandon it, causing it to fail? (I am thinking of something like baking a cake, not brain surgery.) 10 points
9. Oh! I almost forgot! Did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
10.
Today I would once again like to address this topic of concern by laying out a diagnosis tool that you can use in the privacy of your own home to find out if your loved one is getting senile or not.
First of all, let's define our terms.
I find that there is nothing worse in self-help articles than when the author fails to define terms and leads the reader off into a wasteland of ill-conceived advice. I mean, when you are talking about intestinal bloating, wouldn't it be a good idea to know that standing near an open flame would not be a good idea? Hello?
Some authors are just irresponsible.
Anyway, the main definition we need to be concerned with here is for "mental faculties". The simplest way to think of this is to imagine your brain is like a university. As with most universities, it is divided up into different faculties. And like at university, each of these operates independent of each other, getting together periodically for usually boring but sometimes contentious meetings where Prof. F. goes on and on about his plans for the department that have already been dismissed as stupid and untenable ten years ago.
But I digress. And while I am digressing, did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
Getting that out of the way, we can now proceed to the test. Keep score on a piece of paper, so you can add up the results at the end of this article.
1. Does your loved one sometimes walk into a room and forget why he went there? 10 points
2. Is he over 60 and doing #1 above? 0 points
3. Is he under 60 and not drinking and doing #1 above? 10 points
4. Does he sometimes misplace items, putting the car keys into the cat bowls and the cat food into his pocket, for example? 10 points
5. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
6. Does he tell the same stories or jokes to the same people again and again. 10 points
7. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
8. Does he start a project and then get distracted half-way through and abandon it, causing it to fail? (I am thinking of something like baking a cake, not brain surgery.) 10 points
9. Oh! I almost forgot! Did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
10.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Banging Blind
After a law was passed in Iowa in 2011 (why am I not surprised), allowing anyone to get a firearm permit on line, even blind people can now legally pack heat. A local sheriff has decided that as blind people are entitled to purchase firearms, they can learn to use them safely. He states, "People think that they are just going to shoot blindly, just start shooting at noises."
Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Right?
I mean, a blind person? "Just shooting blindly"? Why would people think that?
For his part, the blind man on the video states with confidence that he can "do whatever needs to be done, if the time ever came". He wants to protect himself and his wife from the... hmm... from "whatever" when "the time" comes.
How exactly is this going to work? Is his service dog going to call out the shots for him?
Scenario
Blind Man (waking suddenly and whispering): What's that noise? (He feels for his wife who is asleep in bed next to him; no way is HE going to do a Pistorius). Did you hear anything, Fido?
Dog: Woof!
BM: Do you see something, Fido? (He slips his Glock 20 with 15-round, high-capacity magazine and Storm Lake ported, stainless-steel barrel from under his pillow and flips off the safety)
Dog: Woof! Bark!
BM: Is it over there, Fido (Gestures to the left with his Glock held out professionally with two hands in front of him)?
Dog: Bark! Arf! Snarl!
BM: What is it, Fido? Did it move over that way? Shall I shoot?!!! (Waves gun back and forth menacingly)
Dog: Bark! Arf!! Bark!! SNARL! BARK!
BM: (squeezing trigger 10 times rapidly): TAKE THAT YOU VICIOUS HOME INVADER!
Did I hit him, Fido?
Did I?
Shall I shoot again?
. . . . . .
Fido? FIDO?!
It's a shame that so many people – sighted and now blind – think that owning a firearm will actually make them safer, enabling them to do "whatever needs to be done" when "the time comes". The time comes, but it's not the vicious rapist perpetrating a home invasion they shoot, but their daughter, sneaking in from a late date with her boyfriend.
Or the dog... if they're lucky.
Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Right?
I mean, a blind person? "Just shooting blindly"? Why would people think that?
For his part, the blind man on the video states with confidence that he can "do whatever needs to be done, if the time ever came". He wants to protect himself and his wife from the... hmm... from "whatever" when "the time" comes.
How exactly is this going to work? Is his service dog going to call out the shots for him?
Scenario
Blind Man (waking suddenly and whispering): What's that noise? (He feels for his wife who is asleep in bed next to him; no way is HE going to do a Pistorius). Did you hear anything, Fido?
Dog: Woof!
BM: Do you see something, Fido? (He slips his Glock 20 with 15-round, high-capacity magazine and Storm Lake ported, stainless-steel barrel from under his pillow and flips off the safety)
Dog: Woof! Bark!
BM: Is it over there, Fido (Gestures to the left with his Glock held out professionally with two hands in front of him)?
Dog: Bark! Arf! Snarl!
BM: What is it, Fido? Did it move over that way? Shall I shoot?!!! (Waves gun back and forth menacingly)
Dog: Bark! Arf!! Bark!! SNARL! BARK!
BM: (squeezing trigger 10 times rapidly): TAKE THAT YOU VICIOUS HOME INVADER!
Did I hit him, Fido?
Did I?
Shall I shoot again?
. . . . . .
Fido? FIDO?!
It's a shame that so many people – sighted and now blind – think that owning a firearm will actually make them safer, enabling them to do "whatever needs to be done" when "the time comes". The time comes, but it's not the vicious rapist perpetrating a home invasion they shoot, but their daughter, sneaking in from a late date with her boyfriend.
Or the dog... if they're lucky.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Brain Health Through Messiness
We guys pretty much understand that we are hard to live with. I have written about this before, trying to persuade the "fairer" sex that we men are worth keeping around, but it isn't easy.
We monopolize the remote control. We do all of our chores in a slovenly and ill-timed manner. We leave our clothes lying around. We forget to clean up after friends come over, leaving YOU to put all the wine bottles and beer cans in the recycling bin, and I don't even want to talk about the crumbs and bits of pizza that end up soiling the carpet and falling down behind the cushion in the sofa (I swear that was not MY piece of pizza!).
Let's face it. Men are slobs.
Which brings me to my point, a delicate issue. First of all, I am really not trying to defend our behavior as such. Rather, I would like to make a point that maybe women could consider... you know... think about.
I stumbled upon this information recently about Alzheimer's. Apparently people who live in clean and hygienic places suffer from this disease more than those who do not live in such germ-free environments. The lack of exposure to infectious agents, dirt and grit seems to have some connection to the later development of this debilitating mental disease.
Another interesting feature of this incapacitation is that women get it more than men. There are a lot of theories about why they do, but the fact of it is undeniable.
I think that the "theorists" may be missing a key component in the difference of lifestyle between women and guys that may be hiding the real culprit behind the increased risk. It seems entirely possible to me that women, being neat and tidy and generally preferring to clean up everything right away might be sowing the seeds of their own later problems.
We guys live like pigs (sorry pigs), and this lack of interest in basic hygiene may actually protect us from the onset of this form of dementia. When we forget to wash our hands after changing the oil in the lawn mower or – shudder – going to the toilet, we may actually be promoting better brain health.
So what I am trying to suggest, women, is that maybe you guys could lighten up about the cleanliness around the house a little and not only benefit from the possibility of better brain health in later years but also get along with us guys better.
We monopolize the remote control. We do all of our chores in a slovenly and ill-timed manner. We leave our clothes lying around. We forget to clean up after friends come over, leaving YOU to put all the wine bottles and beer cans in the recycling bin, and I don't even want to talk about the crumbs and bits of pizza that end up soiling the carpet and falling down behind the cushion in the sofa (I swear that was not MY piece of pizza!).
Let's face it. Men are slobs.
Which brings me to my point, a delicate issue. First of all, I am really not trying to defend our behavior as such. Rather, I would like to make a point that maybe women could consider... you know... think about.
I stumbled upon this information recently about Alzheimer's. Apparently people who live in clean and hygienic places suffer from this disease more than those who do not live in such germ-free environments. The lack of exposure to infectious agents, dirt and grit seems to have some connection to the later development of this debilitating mental disease.
Another interesting feature of this incapacitation is that women get it more than men. There are a lot of theories about why they do, but the fact of it is undeniable.
I think that the "theorists" may be missing a key component in the difference of lifestyle between women and guys that may be hiding the real culprit behind the increased risk. It seems entirely possible to me that women, being neat and tidy and generally preferring to clean up everything right away might be sowing the seeds of their own later problems.
We guys live like pigs (sorry pigs), and this lack of interest in basic hygiene may actually protect us from the onset of this form of dementia. When we forget to wash our hands after changing the oil in the lawn mower or – shudder – going to the toilet, we may actually be promoting better brain health.
So what I am trying to suggest, women, is that maybe you guys could lighten up about the cleanliness around the house a little and not only benefit from the possibility of better brain health in later years but also get along with us guys better.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Political Poo Hacking
Just when you thought you were safe going to the toilet, this information appears on the Internet. Hackers can control your toilet!
As I have mentioned in these posts before (here and here), the Japanese are more advanced when it comes to toilets than any other nation on this third rock from the Sun. I am not kidding. Now it seems that the toilets are somehow hooked into the Internet and can be controlled from your smart phone.
This makes a lot of sense when you have rushed out of your house, having completed your morning... er... ablutions... but suddenly you remember, "OMG! I forgot to flush! My wife will be traumatized and we will have another big therapy bill next month!" Something needs to be done. You find the right app on your iPhone, dial up (why do we still say "dial") and tell your toilet to go ahead and flush.
It flushes obediently.
As harmless as this seems, we really do have to consider the implications. As many of you alert readers will recall, Japan's Prime Minister Abe Shinzo was also Prime Minister several years ago, but had some problems with fulfilling his duties. No, it wasn't the usual foot-in-mouth thing that Japanese politicians do, saying things like "there was no rape of Nanjing" or "Japan never invaded anyone" or "the nuclear bombs were dropped for no reason at all", etc. etc.
In this case, poor Prime Minister Abe had to quit because he suffered from a "crippling case of diarrhea". I know that many of you out there think I have my head in the potty and have a limited sense of humor that barely hangs on with "poopy" jokes and scatology, but I want you to know that in this case, I am not making anything up.
First, a little background on Japanese toilets. People in the US and Europe have no idea about how sophisticated Japanese toilets are. Even the average toilet will rinse you off and dry you. You can adjust the water pressure so that the spray... um... cleans deeper than a superficial rinse.
Which brings me to my point.
Abe really did quit because of a terrible diarrhea. It's unprecedented in the modern world.
How did this happen? Perhaps his toilet was hacked by a foreign power!
Scenario
Prime Minister's Assistant (outside the toilet with his ear to the door): Mr. Abe, is everything OK in there? I heard a terrible high-pressure water sound!
PM Abe: Gar! Argh.... OMG! OMG! Omg omg omg omg omg.... holy crap.... what the f*#k?!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister! Are you OK in there? Open the door!!
PM Abe: I cannot open the door right now... the toilet is... ARGH!!! OMG!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister!! Let me in! I can help you. Um... you DO remember that you have to give that important speech in 10 minutes before the Diet, right? We need to get you ready... the makeup for the TV cameras and all...
PM Abe (breathing heavily): Oh... oh... this is the worst.... omg... omg... it was like a fire hose... my whole abdomen swelled up to the size of this room... oh... my clothes... omg omg...
Assistant: I will bring you a new suit... don't go away! I will be right back.... (runs off)
PM Abe: suit... how about my socks and shoes and hair and... omg.... I have been cleansed... argh... no wait... there is still more... (loud splashing sound)....
Assistant: Open up! I brought the clean suit!
PM Abe: Please announce my resignation... I can't go on like this....my legs... omg... I have never seen anything like this before....
And in this way, a certain foreign power which discovered how to hack his toilet managed to postpone his conservative and "unfriendly" agenda for another five years.
You can be sure his toilets have security protection now!
He is Prime Minister again... what toilets might they hack next?
As I have mentioned in these posts before (here and here), the Japanese are more advanced when it comes to toilets than any other nation on this third rock from the Sun. I am not kidding. Now it seems that the toilets are somehow hooked into the Internet and can be controlled from your smart phone.
This makes a lot of sense when you have rushed out of your house, having completed your morning... er... ablutions... but suddenly you remember, "OMG! I forgot to flush! My wife will be traumatized and we will have another big therapy bill next month!" Something needs to be done. You find the right app on your iPhone, dial up (why do we still say "dial") and tell your toilet to go ahead and flush.
It flushes obediently.
As harmless as this seems, we really do have to consider the implications. As many of you alert readers will recall, Japan's Prime Minister Abe Shinzo was also Prime Minister several years ago, but had some problems with fulfilling his duties. No, it wasn't the usual foot-in-mouth thing that Japanese politicians do, saying things like "there was no rape of Nanjing" or "Japan never invaded anyone" or "the nuclear bombs were dropped for no reason at all", etc. etc.
In this case, poor Prime Minister Abe had to quit because he suffered from a "crippling case of diarrhea". I know that many of you out there think I have my head in the potty and have a limited sense of humor that barely hangs on with "poopy" jokes and scatology, but I want you to know that in this case, I am not making anything up.
First, a little background on Japanese toilets. People in the US and Europe have no idea about how sophisticated Japanese toilets are. Even the average toilet will rinse you off and dry you. You can adjust the water pressure so that the spray... um... cleans deeper than a superficial rinse.
Which brings me to my point.
Abe really did quit because of a terrible diarrhea. It's unprecedented in the modern world.
How did this happen? Perhaps his toilet was hacked by a foreign power!
Scenario
Prime Minister's Assistant (outside the toilet with his ear to the door): Mr. Abe, is everything OK in there? I heard a terrible high-pressure water sound!
PM Abe: Gar! Argh.... OMG! OMG! Omg omg omg omg omg.... holy crap.... what the f*#k?!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister! Are you OK in there? Open the door!!
PM Abe: I cannot open the door right now... the toilet is... ARGH!!! OMG!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister!! Let me in! I can help you. Um... you DO remember that you have to give that important speech in 10 minutes before the Diet, right? We need to get you ready... the makeup for the TV cameras and all...
PM Abe (breathing heavily): Oh... oh... this is the worst.... omg... omg... it was like a fire hose... my whole abdomen swelled up to the size of this room... oh... my clothes... omg omg...
Assistant: I will bring you a new suit... don't go away! I will be right back.... (runs off)
PM Abe: suit... how about my socks and shoes and hair and... omg.... I have been cleansed... argh... no wait... there is still more... (loud splashing sound)....
Assistant: Open up! I brought the clean suit!
PM Abe: Please announce my resignation... I can't go on like this....my legs... omg... I have never seen anything like this before....
And in this way, a certain foreign power which discovered how to hack his toilet managed to postpone his conservative and "unfriendly" agenda for another five years.
You can be sure his toilets have security protection now!
He is Prime Minister again... what toilets might they hack next?
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