As I have pixelated here before, Japanese gangs are a unique phenomenon. The Japanese Police Agency designates certain groups as "gangs" thereby enabling them to "control" gang activity.
How does this work in actual practice?
Let's look at a typical police and gang-member confrontation.
Scenario 1:
Officer Majime: Hey! You! What are you doing over there assaulting that store owner?!
Gangster: He owes me protection money.
Officer Majime: Wait a minute here! Aren't you a member of a gang?
Gangster: Yeah. I am in the Aku-eikyō Group.
Officer Majime (consulting his list of designated gangs): Hmm... your gang is not on the designated list.
Gangster: Damn...
Office Majime: Carry on.
Contrast that with this scenario which turns out so very differently.
Scenario 2:
Office Majime: Hey! You! What are you doing over there assaulting that store owner?!
Gangster: He owes me protection money.
Officer Majime: Wait a minute here! Aren't you a member of a gang?
Gangster: Yeah. I am in the Sumiyoshi Organization.
Officer Majime (consulting his list of designated gangs): Hmm... your gang is here on the designated list, number 3. (looks at gangster with raised eyebrows)
Gangster: Damn...
Office Majime: Carry on.
Like the rest of the nation, however, gangs have fallen on hard times. With natural disasters and the rising yen, the economy is struggling to keep its head above water, and as a result, popular sources of gang income have slumped. Your average salary man can't afford the weekly visit to the local "soapland" for his "massage", and the truckers, hard pressed to find stuff to truck, don't need the stimulants as much as they used to either.
What's a gang to do?
Sell marriage of course.
Boring Background Information
One problem that grips Japan today is the "oldest son problem". If you are the oldest son (or only son), especially if you live in a rural area, it is almost impossible to get married.
Why?
An oldest son is responsible for the care of his parents. What this means is that while the son goes off to his job everyday, his wife remains at home, having to take care of his aging parents (think diaper-changing and hand feeding... that's what SHE is thinking).
Inexplicably, young women would rather do anything: marry a second or third son, marry (gasp) a foreigner, even not get married at all, or emigrate to Zimbabwe than marry the oldest son.
Poor oldest son.
This is where the gangs come in. They have jumped into the new business called "Konkatsu" or "Marriage Hunting". But, typically, they provide a special twist. Not only will they find you a bride, but they will actually hook you up with someone really special!
Scenario 3:
Kimyō Dasai (oldest son): So... if... if I pay the enrollment fee of 100,000 yen (about $1250), you will hel... help me find a wife?
Gangster: Oh, yes! Not only that, you get to choose! See these pictures" (shows album of cute, young women). Which one would you like?
Dasai: (wiping the drool) Y...you... you mean, I get to choose one of THOSE?! (his pupils dilate seriously)... oh my....
Gangster: Sure! You can pick the one you think would be best for you. (pointing to one of them) Isn't that the sexiest woman you have seen in your WHOLE LIFE?!
But before we get too involved here, let me explain how it works.
You pay an enrollment fee to gain access to our bank of potential partners. Then, depending on which one and how many you wish to meet, you pay separate meeting fees.
Dasai: How much would it cost, for example, if I wanted to meet her (points to one of the cuties).
Gangster: Well... let's see... (pulls out a calculator). There is the initial enrollment fee of 100,000 yen. Then the meeting fee. For her it would be an additional 100,000 yen... she's one of the cutest; if you wanted to meet someone more your age, the price would be much less... heh heh heh.
Dasai: No ... I want to meet her.
Gangster: OK then, so the transportation fee would be 50,000 yen and naturally my handling fees and service charges, another 50,000 yen. Sales tax is an unavoidable 5%, so that tacks on 15,000 yen. So to meet up with her and potentially have her as your bride (nudge nudge), you only need to pay a total of 315,000 yen!
Dasai: That's not so bad if she'll marry me. You say that it's almost guaranteed that she will?
Gangster: Just leave it to us! I am sure that when she sees you, she will fall madly in love and want to move in with you out here in the boonies... er... romantic countryside!
Maybe you could comb some side hair over that bald spot on top? And do you HAVE to wear rubber boots?
Scenario 4:
(later)
Gangster: So, how did the date go, Mr. Dasai?
Dasai: She... she didn't seem to like me at all. Sh... she kept looking at her watch and drank her ice... her iced tea in about two minutes.
Gangster: Nonsense! She is just being coy!
Dasai: She went to the toe... the toi.. the restroom three times and spent a long time in there.
Gangster: She probably wanted to fix her makeup to look good for you!
Dasai: And at the table she kept texting on her cell... her cellphone....
Gangster: Don't be silly. I am sure she was just checking her horoscope or something on her phone, wondering if she was compatible with you or not!
Dasai: ... I don't think she even... even looked at me one time!
Gangster: She was just being shy! You need to meet her again. "Show her the town" a bit. Step out! Do something exciting! She's young and wants some fun in her life! Think back to when you were young; what sorts of fun things did you do?
Dasai: We had to har... harvest the rice. Do you think she would like that? It can get pretty exciting...when the girls are all b... ben... bending over like that... (loses eye focus, remembering)
Gangster: No! No ... forget the rice harvesting! How about taking her to a nice restaurant?
Dasai: We don't have any nice restaurants here, but I sup... suppose I could take her to Auntie Spew's Diner down the road there.... she will love the pick... the pickled squid.
Gangster: That would be perfect. So all you need to do is pay another meeting fee, and I will set everything up for you.
Dasai: Another fee?
Gangster: She was awfully cute, wasn't she? You think you can find someone that cute around here?
Dasai: OK, OK... here...
Gangster: Do something about that hair, OK?
And so the gangsters clean up again in their new business!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Dear Mr. Pterosaurish
I might have overstepped some boundaries... again. Why can I never get it right?
I received another letter from North... er... the Democratic People's Republic of Korea about my blog. I post it below to show I am open to criticism.
(I have added some links to show their sincerity and truthfulness. YOU OVER THERE IN PYONGYANG NOTICE THIS, RIGHT?!)
- - - - - - - - - -
Dear Mr. Pterosaurish:
We here at the Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency follow your blog very carefully.
It is so funny.
We have a strong sense of independent, non-capitalist humor here, so let us say a hearty "Ha Ha!"
Despite the wit and humor, however, like last time, we would like to correct some of the points you made and clear up some of your distortions; if you don't mind.
First, you seem to believe that the Great Successor and Revered Leader Kim Jong un, a military genius and a car driver from age three, is over weight.
This is not at all the case.
In your humorous and very funny and entertaining blog (Let us say, "Ha ha!" again), you suggested that the Great Successor had trouble getting through the hatch of a tank. That is silly. He could get into the hatch with no problem.
And he was also able to get out without any serious physical issues.
Please correct this misstatement in your blog. We would like to mention that he has been working out with what you imperialist paper tigers call a "thigh master" these past months and is in the peak of condition.
Please correct your impression of our new leader.
You also suggested that his uncle, Jang Song taek, might cut off the Great Successor's cream puff supply. That is totally misquoted and a capitalist running dog lie. Your sources are obviously misinformed. His uncle said he wanted to cut off his ice cream supply. Please notify your readers of this error too.
The transcript of the meeting is so full of errors, we wonder who your translators are. Mr. Pterosaurish, you need to study Korean better or hire more competent translators. You properly pointed out the animals who expressed their deep mourning for the loss of Dear Leader, Kim Jong il, but failed to mention the bears! The bears were also discussed at that same meeting, just before Jang's comment about the magpies. They were mourning so pitiably in the road, having woken up from hibernation, moved by the loss of Dear Leader. We would appreciate you mentioning that the bears mourned the passing of Dear Leader.
In conclusion, we here at the News Agency would like to see you pay more attention to accuracy in your blog. Although we appreciate this kind of sophisticated, international satire and humor (let us say "ha ha" once more), we know you live just across the Japan Sea from us. We are almost neighbors. Not that we are admitting to abducting people from near where you live or anything, but you might want to be more accurate in your representation of the Great Successor in the future.
We are also disturbed by the fact that you seem to have spies in our great country, so rest assured that we will find them and – shall we say – cut off their cream puff supply.
With all the best for the New Year,
Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency
- - - - - - - - - -
I stand corrected. And Happy New Year to all of you at the Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency. We wish Kim Jong un all the best and are eagerly looking forward to how the thigh master works out for him. And we have attack cats here, so think twice about coming to visit.
I received another letter from North... er... the Democratic People's Republic of Korea about my blog. I post it below to show I am open to criticism.
(I have added some links to show their sincerity and truthfulness. YOU OVER THERE IN PYONGYANG NOTICE THIS, RIGHT?!)
- - - - - - - - - -
Dear Mr. Pterosaurish:
We here at the Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency follow your blog very carefully.
It is so funny.
We have a strong sense of independent, non-capitalist humor here, so let us say a hearty "Ha Ha!"
Despite the wit and humor, however, like last time, we would like to correct some of the points you made and clear up some of your distortions; if you don't mind.
First, you seem to believe that the Great Successor and Revered Leader Kim Jong un, a military genius and a car driver from age three, is over weight.
This is not at all the case.
In your humorous and very funny and entertaining blog (Let us say, "Ha ha!" again), you suggested that the Great Successor had trouble getting through the hatch of a tank. That is silly. He could get into the hatch with no problem.
And he was also able to get out without any serious physical issues.
Please correct this misstatement in your blog. We would like to mention that he has been working out with what you imperialist paper tigers call a "thigh master" these past months and is in the peak of condition.
Please correct your impression of our new leader.
You also suggested that his uncle, Jang Song taek, might cut off the Great Successor's cream puff supply. That is totally misquoted and a capitalist running dog lie. Your sources are obviously misinformed. His uncle said he wanted to cut off his ice cream supply. Please notify your readers of this error too.
The transcript of the meeting is so full of errors, we wonder who your translators are. Mr. Pterosaurish, you need to study Korean better or hire more competent translators. You properly pointed out the animals who expressed their deep mourning for the loss of Dear Leader, Kim Jong il, but failed to mention the bears! The bears were also discussed at that same meeting, just before Jang's comment about the magpies. They were mourning so pitiably in the road, having woken up from hibernation, moved by the loss of Dear Leader. We would appreciate you mentioning that the bears mourned the passing of Dear Leader.
In conclusion, we here at the News Agency would like to see you pay more attention to accuracy in your blog. Although we appreciate this kind of sophisticated, international satire and humor (let us say "ha ha" once more), we know you live just across the Japan Sea from us. We are almost neighbors. Not that we are admitting to abducting people from near where you live or anything, but you might want to be more accurate in your representation of the Great Successor in the future.
We are also disturbed by the fact that you seem to have spies in our great country, so rest assured that we will find them and – shall we say – cut off their cream puff supply.
With all the best for the New Year,
Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency
- - - - - - - - - -
I stand corrected. And Happy New Year to all of you at the Democratic People's Republic of Korea News Agency. We wish Kim Jong un all the best and are eagerly looking forward to how the thigh master works out for him. And we have attack cats here, so think twice about coming to visit.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Baby Kim Takes the Helm
Unless you live under a rock, you have heard about the death of Dear Leader, Kim Il Sung in North Korea, and the accession to the throne by his youngest son, Son of Kim, or as they call him, Great Successor.
The weeping and wailing in the streets after Dear Leader's death involved such great acting that I believe a new category should be opened for the Academy Awards, Best National Acting Award. North Korea would win hands down, not only for the mourning, but even for simple things like the news presentations.
Despite this incredible achievement, it seems that some citizens were not playing their roles up to the levels demanded by their government and will be punished for their failures. Not only that, the North Korean government has come down hard on surrounding nations for their unwillingness to pretend they were sad to see Kim Il Sung depart for his reward.
South Korea came in for a special lambasting. How could their fellow Koreans not be heart broken by the passing of father Kim, the Dear Dear Leader? Also Japan, the perennial object of intense North Korean hatred, was criticized for its lack of an expression of sorrow on his death. Never mind that Kim was behind the abduction of Japanese citizens for many years, the Japanese government at least should express its grief at his passing.
At the leadership level in North Korea, deciding on how to present the death of Kim the Elder to the people and also how to raise up Kim the Younger in their eyes is a major challenge. When your country's population is starving and oppressed, you need to use the correct vocabulary to make things right!
My spies have been very active of late and have provided me with a transcript of just one such meeting in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea.
Jang Song taek (Kim the Younger's uncle): OK everyone, we need to work out some details about Dear Leader's death.
Kim Jong un (Kim the Younger): Where did daddy keep the bon-bons? I want some of those bon-bons! When I was little I remember coming into this office and he would...
Jang: Will you shut up! You blubber puss! We are trying to work out some important details here and all you can think about is food!
General Kim Yong chun: First of all we need some natural events that heralded his death... any ideas?
Premier Choe: How about something on holy Mt. Paektu?
Jang: Excellent idea. OK, we will have the sky glow red.
Gen. Kim: That's a good start, but how about a fierce snowstorm too?
Jang: Great! A fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red!
Prem. Choe: Then the ice cracked on the lake!
Jang: This is really good. OK, here is what we will put out. There was a fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red and the ice on the lake cracked with a roar. Is that OK?
Gen. Kim: Perfect! How about some birds or other animals doing something?
Jang: OK. Hmmm... how about some magpies.
Prem. Choe: Yeah, let's have hundreds of them hovering over the statue of Kim Il Sung in mourning.
Jang: Good idea. And how about adding a crane bowing its head in mourning too?
Prem. Choe: That is just brilliant!
Jang: So Kim Il sung was the Great Leader, and Kim Jong il was Dear Leader... let's move on to what to call this this bloated pig from now on?
Kim Jong un: I am NOT that fat! You can't call me a bloated pig! I won't allow it! Daddy put ME in charge now, so I will not allow this sort of insult to me!
Jang: Shut up and sit down!
And stop sucking your thumb like that; you'll make yourself bucktoothed as well.
Gen. Kim: Well... since we called his grandfather and father "Something" Leader, how about a title with Leader in it?
Prem. Choe: Hmm... Revered Leader?
Jang: Nah... how about Humongous Leader! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(laughter all around)
Stop pouting you pig, or I will cut off your cream puff supply.
Gen. Kim: Great Successor!
Jang: Perfect! OK we will go with that for now. Great Successor and a great person born of heaven.
(sound of eyes rolling)
Gen. Kim: We in the military will release a statement saying that we would all be willing to die in the defense of the fat toad. HAHAHAHA!
Leave it to me. I will come up with something good.
Jang: OK, I guess that wraps it up for now. Any other business or questions?
Kim Jong un: I'm hungry... what's for lunch?
Jang: I am putting you on a diet one of these days, I swear it. We had to struggle to get you through the hatch of that tank we filmed you in the other day. If you get any fatter, Japanese research whalers will be after you. HAHAHAHAHA!
(laughter all around)
Meeting adjourned!
The weeping and wailing in the streets after Dear Leader's death involved such great acting that I believe a new category should be opened for the Academy Awards, Best National Acting Award. North Korea would win hands down, not only for the mourning, but even for simple things like the news presentations.
Despite this incredible achievement, it seems that some citizens were not playing their roles up to the levels demanded by their government and will be punished for their failures. Not only that, the North Korean government has come down hard on surrounding nations for their unwillingness to pretend they were sad to see Kim Il Sung depart for his reward.
South Korea came in for a special lambasting. How could their fellow Koreans not be heart broken by the passing of father Kim, the Dear Dear Leader? Also Japan, the perennial object of intense North Korean hatred, was criticized for its lack of an expression of sorrow on his death. Never mind that Kim was behind the abduction of Japanese citizens for many years, the Japanese government at least should express its grief at his passing.
At the leadership level in North Korea, deciding on how to present the death of Kim the Elder to the people and also how to raise up Kim the Younger in their eyes is a major challenge. When your country's population is starving and oppressed, you need to use the correct vocabulary to make things right!
My spies have been very active of late and have provided me with a transcript of just one such meeting in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea.
Jang Song taek (Kim the Younger's uncle): OK everyone, we need to work out some details about Dear Leader's death.
Kim Jong un (Kim the Younger): Where did daddy keep the bon-bons? I want some of those bon-bons! When I was little I remember coming into this office and he would...
Jang: Will you shut up! You blubber puss! We are trying to work out some important details here and all you can think about is food!
General Kim Yong chun: First of all we need some natural events that heralded his death... any ideas?
Premier Choe: How about something on holy Mt. Paektu?
Jang: Excellent idea. OK, we will have the sky glow red.
Gen. Kim: That's a good start, but how about a fierce snowstorm too?
Jang: Great! A fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red!
Prem. Choe: Then the ice cracked on the lake!
Jang: This is really good. OK, here is what we will put out. There was a fierce snowstorm and the sky glowed red and the ice on the lake cracked with a roar. Is that OK?
Gen. Kim: Perfect! How about some birds or other animals doing something?
Jang: OK. Hmmm... how about some magpies.
Prem. Choe: Yeah, let's have hundreds of them hovering over the statue of Kim Il Sung in mourning.
Jang: Good idea. And how about adding a crane bowing its head in mourning too?
Prem. Choe: That is just brilliant!
Jang: So Kim Il sung was the Great Leader, and Kim Jong il was Dear Leader... let's move on to what to call this this bloated pig from now on?
Kim Jong un: I am NOT that fat! You can't call me a bloated pig! I won't allow it! Daddy put ME in charge now, so I will not allow this sort of insult to me!
Jang: Shut up and sit down!
And stop sucking your thumb like that; you'll make yourself bucktoothed as well.
Gen. Kim: Well... since we called his grandfather and father "Something" Leader, how about a title with Leader in it?
Prem. Choe: Hmm... Revered Leader?
Jang: Nah... how about Humongous Leader! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(laughter all around)
Stop pouting you pig, or I will cut off your cream puff supply.
Gen. Kim: Great Successor!
Jang: Perfect! OK we will go with that for now. Great Successor and a great person born of heaven.
(sound of eyes rolling)
Gen. Kim: We in the military will release a statement saying that we would all be willing to die in the defense of the fat toad. HAHAHAHA!
Leave it to me. I will come up with something good.
Jang: OK, I guess that wraps it up for now. Any other business or questions?
Kim Jong un: I'm hungry... what's for lunch?
Jang: I am putting you on a diet one of these days, I swear it. We had to struggle to get you through the hatch of that tank we filmed you in the other day. If you get any fatter, Japanese research whalers will be after you. HAHAHAHAHA!
(laughter all around)
Meeting adjourned!
Monday, January 9, 2012
In God They Trusted
In an earlier posting – way back in November, we looked at how so many of the Republican candidates for the Presidency were called by God. I didn't make it up; they were the ones who claimed this.
But since then (as all of you are aware), a number of them have slipped from the calling and either fallen by the wayside or dropped in the ratings.
So, what are we – the average lay people – to think?
Let's look at Herman Cain. God "convinced (him) to run for President". And yet, and yet... he has fallen from grace, having not lived up to God's message perhaps. The sexual harassment and the affair along the way – the trials and tribulations of this mortal coil – all of these have conspired to turn him from the perfect path and lead him astray into the desert of his penitence with his wife. God called, but Herman Cain did not answer in a way to achieve God's will! Can he ever repent enough to be saved?
How about Michele Bachman? God has been a big part of her platform. In fact, it would not be unreasonable to say that she even tried to stand on God's shoulders to make her case in Iowa. She certainly felt the calling. But, alas. She garnered only five percent of the caucus polls! FIVE percent! But she did not have any personal failings? There is no evidence that she took on a lover or accepted bribes or anything nefarious. Why would God let her down so?!
We can only say that God moves in mysterious ways!
And then there is Rick Perry. Granted, it was his wife who said God called him to run for President, but he has not denied it. Nonetheless, despite the calling of the Great Creator, Rick Perry achieved at a lack luster level. True, he was a poor debater, failing in so many ways, but then God took on other people of even more desperate handicaps, and they fulfilled their destinies. So what was it about Perry that caused God to turn his face from him and harden his heart against his candidacy?
We can only guess, because God moves in mysterious ways!
Who's left?
Mitt Romney is currently in the lead. What is his relationship with the Almighty? To be honest, we have no idea since he is a Mormon, and we don't know if they get "called" to run for President. We DO know that they wear interesting underwear. The underwear "signifies a covenant between the wearer and God", so maybe that accounts for his victory? Huntsman is technically a Mormon too though, and he is fading.
Rick Santorum came in second and he is definitely on the God side! He even gave a "public thanks to God". Despite running on the God platform, the Deity singled him out as only being worthy of second place. Santorum does not wear the proper underwear perhaps, but – hey – the silver medal is still worth something!
Ron Paul? He is definitely in God's camp, even to the point of believing that the scripture is God's word literally. Forget evolution and science, etc. So for his God commitment, he gets third place, the bronze.
Newt Gingrich? He has never claimed (as far as I know) to have been called by God, but he wrote a book about rediscovering God in America. He came in 4th. Why he did better than those actually called by God is anyone's guess.
God moves in mysterious ways!
Next up is the New Hampshire primary and on to the South. We can follow God's will in the successes or failures of the Republican candidates.
Tabulating the results so far (and this is only preliminary, mind you), the leader, Romney, has not claimed to have been called by God, number two, Santorum, has, number three, Paul, is definitely on God's side but has not claimed a direct calling (as far as we know) and number four is Newt who is rediscovering God.
We also know that Pat Robertson claims to have been told by God who the next President will be but is keeping it a secret. No point in ruining all the fun for the rest of us.
As I mentioned in my last posting on this subject, I concluded that God is a Democrat this time around, meaning that President Obama will be elected again. God could be swayed by Mormon underwear though, so this is something to look forward to as we watch the political process unfold!
But since then (as all of you are aware), a number of them have slipped from the calling and either fallen by the wayside or dropped in the ratings.
So, what are we – the average lay people – to think?
Let's look at Herman Cain. God "convinced (him) to run for President". And yet, and yet... he has fallen from grace, having not lived up to God's message perhaps. The sexual harassment and the affair along the way – the trials and tribulations of this mortal coil – all of these have conspired to turn him from the perfect path and lead him astray into the desert of his penitence with his wife. God called, but Herman Cain did not answer in a way to achieve God's will! Can he ever repent enough to be saved?
How about Michele Bachman? God has been a big part of her platform. In fact, it would not be unreasonable to say that she even tried to stand on God's shoulders to make her case in Iowa. She certainly felt the calling. But, alas. She garnered only five percent of the caucus polls! FIVE percent! But she did not have any personal failings? There is no evidence that she took on a lover or accepted bribes or anything nefarious. Why would God let her down so?!
We can only say that God moves in mysterious ways!
And then there is Rick Perry. Granted, it was his wife who said God called him to run for President, but he has not denied it. Nonetheless, despite the calling of the Great Creator, Rick Perry achieved at a lack luster level. True, he was a poor debater, failing in so many ways, but then God took on other people of even more desperate handicaps, and they fulfilled their destinies. So what was it about Perry that caused God to turn his face from him and harden his heart against his candidacy?
We can only guess, because God moves in mysterious ways!
Who's left?
Mitt Romney is currently in the lead. What is his relationship with the Almighty? To be honest, we have no idea since he is a Mormon, and we don't know if they get "called" to run for President. We DO know that they wear interesting underwear. The underwear "signifies a covenant between the wearer and God", so maybe that accounts for his victory? Huntsman is technically a Mormon too though, and he is fading.
Rick Santorum came in second and he is definitely on the God side! He even gave a "public thanks to God". Despite running on the God platform, the Deity singled him out as only being worthy of second place. Santorum does not wear the proper underwear perhaps, but – hey – the silver medal is still worth something!
Ron Paul? He is definitely in God's camp, even to the point of believing that the scripture is God's word literally. Forget evolution and science, etc. So for his God commitment, he gets third place, the bronze.
Newt Gingrich? He has never claimed (as far as I know) to have been called by God, but he wrote a book about rediscovering God in America. He came in 4th. Why he did better than those actually called by God is anyone's guess.
God moves in mysterious ways!
Next up is the New Hampshire primary and on to the South. We can follow God's will in the successes or failures of the Republican candidates.
Tabulating the results so far (and this is only preliminary, mind you), the leader, Romney, has not claimed to have been called by God, number two, Santorum, has, number three, Paul, is definitely on God's side but has not claimed a direct calling (as far as we know) and number four is Newt who is rediscovering God.
We also know that Pat Robertson claims to have been told by God who the next President will be but is keeping it a secret. No point in ruining all the fun for the rest of us.
As I mentioned in my last posting on this subject, I concluded that God is a Democrat this time around, meaning that President Obama will be elected again. God could be swayed by Mormon underwear though, so this is something to look forward to as we watch the political process unfold!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Let's Resolve Your New Year
It's that important time again, the New Year, a time to reflect and reform, to make a new and even better you.
Lose that weight, cut back on that booze, be a better spouse, try to be a more responsive staff member for your cats. All of these are personally important goals that we can set for ourselves as we face the New Year, but what scientists are finding is that if OTHER people set your goals, you might be more likely to achieve them!
In that spirit, I would like to offer a potpourri of New Year's Resolutions to others, so that they can finally realize their dream of achieving something in the New Year!
To Kim Jong Un
Now that you are the "Great Leader" of North Korea you will have time to back away from the feeding trough and use the thigh master more! Don't be afraid to express your inner thinness. Especially now that everyone in your country is small and thin, you will want to identify with them more. You don't want to be TOO passionate for your country, however, as this might lead to infidelity and other personal problems.
To the Republican Party
Figure out some way to reconcile your hatred of government power with your tendency to want to use government power to tell people how they should live their lives (women and gay people in particular). We find this characteristic irritating. (we =me)
To Ron Paul
Fuhgeddaboudit...
really.
The nation is not calling.
To the whole country of North Korea
Get someone to nominate your nation for an Academy Award! I have never witnessed such acting as I saw on the death of Kim Il Sung! Awesome! (The guy in the front row looked like he might have been laughing actually... but great cast and super acting overall!)
To Japanese "Research" whalers
I still say there are good hunting grounds off American beaches. Resolve to cull some great white whales! They are not an endangered species.
To Monotheistic Religion Believers
Freedom of religion also means freedom FROM it, OK?
So all you evangelical Christians, and Taliban, and Creationists, and Haredi Jews and Intelligent Designers, and mullahs? Keep all your "precious religion" in your heart where it belongs and leave the rest of us alone! For many of us, the degree of your fervor is in inverse proportion to how believable you are.
Thank you.
(If you really HAVE to spread your "word", spread it among the groups mentioned above, OK? All you evangelical Christians should head off to Pakistan and try to convert the Taliban. It would be helpful to everyone, I am sure. You have the faith to do that, right?)
To myself (since nobody else is offering ideas for me)
Finally purge the last of the Christmas songs from your brain.
Whoever wrote "The Little Drummer Boy" should be banished.
Just a suggestion.
(I just heard she is dead, so my apologies for thinking she should be simply banished. She should be dug up and banished.)
And one more to myself
Stop being such a curmudgeon.
Happy New Year everyone! I really wish all of you the best for a happy and healthy 2012.
And not to put an immediate damper on your good feeling, but apparently according to the Mayan Calendar the world will end on my birthday this year 12/21/12. Something we can all look forward to.
No need to buy me presents, by the way.
Lose that weight, cut back on that booze, be a better spouse, try to be a more responsive staff member for your cats. All of these are personally important goals that we can set for ourselves as we face the New Year, but what scientists are finding is that if OTHER people set your goals, you might be more likely to achieve them!
In that spirit, I would like to offer a potpourri of New Year's Resolutions to others, so that they can finally realize their dream of achieving something in the New Year!
To Kim Jong Un
Now that you are the "Great Leader" of North Korea you will have time to back away from the feeding trough and use the thigh master more! Don't be afraid to express your inner thinness. Especially now that everyone in your country is small and thin, you will want to identify with them more. You don't want to be TOO passionate for your country, however, as this might lead to infidelity and other personal problems.
To the Republican Party
Figure out some way to reconcile your hatred of government power with your tendency to want to use government power to tell people how they should live their lives (women and gay people in particular). We find this characteristic irritating. (we =me)
To Ron Paul
Fuhgeddaboudit...
really.
The nation is not calling.
To the whole country of North Korea
Get someone to nominate your nation for an Academy Award! I have never witnessed such acting as I saw on the death of Kim Il Sung! Awesome! (The guy in the front row looked like he might have been laughing actually... but great cast and super acting overall!)
To Japanese "Research" whalers
I still say there are good hunting grounds off American beaches. Resolve to cull some great white whales! They are not an endangered species.
To Monotheistic Religion Believers
Freedom of religion also means freedom FROM it, OK?
So all you evangelical Christians, and Taliban, and Creationists, and Haredi Jews and Intelligent Designers, and mullahs? Keep all your "precious religion" in your heart where it belongs and leave the rest of us alone! For many of us, the degree of your fervor is in inverse proportion to how believable you are.
Thank you.
(If you really HAVE to spread your "word", spread it among the groups mentioned above, OK? All you evangelical Christians should head off to Pakistan and try to convert the Taliban. It would be helpful to everyone, I am sure. You have the faith to do that, right?)
To myself (since nobody else is offering ideas for me)
Finally purge the last of the Christmas songs from your brain.
Whoever wrote "The Little Drummer Boy" should be banished.
Just a suggestion.
(I just heard she is dead, so my apologies for thinking she should be simply banished. She should be dug up and banished.)
And one more to myself
Stop being such a curmudgeon.
Happy New Year everyone! I really wish all of you the best for a happy and healthy 2012.
And not to put an immediate damper on your good feeling, but apparently according to the Mayan Calendar the world will end on my birthday this year 12/21/12. Something we can all look forward to.
No need to buy me presents, by the way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)