Christmas.
Doesn't it just conjure up a whole flood of memories and feelings for you?
Me too.
I want you to envision those nativity scenes, the creches, that you have seen throughout your life. Can you picture them?
Mary, the center of the scene, the baby Jesus lying in a manger, the wise men with their gifts, the sheep and their shepherds, Joseph benignly looking on from behind... can you see it?
Hold that thought and then sing along with me... no... really... sing along with feeling for the Christmas season (unless your religion forbids it, in which case just sit there and scroll down).
Sigh-a-lent night
Hoe-a-lee night
All is calm
All is bright
Round yon vir-er-gin, mother, and child
hoe-a-lee infant so tender and mild...
OK, you can stop there.
Quick question. Which one is the virgin?
I am guessing Joseph.
So, there he is, looking down on his betrothed who has given birth to a baby that is not his!
And (yes, I have contacts and spies everywhere) in the spirit of Wikileaks, I bring you the actual recorded (by hand) conversation between Mary and Joseph about the baby Jesus thing. And – no – I will not reveal my sources.
. . . . . . . . . .
Mary: Joseph?
Um...
I have something I need to talk with you about.
Joseph: Oh yeah? What?
I've been changing my loincloth everyday now, you know, and I took out the garbage already....
Mary: No no... it's not that... um... it's hard to explain really... but... an angel of the lord appeared to me the other night, and said that I would become pregnant. (nervous laughter....)
Joseph: But we are not married yet and have made the purity pledge. How could you get pregnant?
Mary: (nervous titter) Well... um... I am not sure... the angel didn't say. He only said I was pregnant.
Joseph: He? You ARE pregnant? Like, right NOW?!
Wait.... wait... I don't understand. What's going on here?
Mary: Well... this angel appeared to me in a dream the other night, and ...um... he said that I would become pregnant by the Holy Spirit.
Joseph: By the Holy Spirit.... right...
Tell me a little more about this angel... what did he look like exactly? He didn't look like Benjamin, that stone worker next door, did he?
Mary: No... he was bathed in light... He said that the Holy Spirit would make me with child.
Joseph: The Holy Spirit.... uh huh...
I heard from Esther that Benjamin was coming around here a lot when I was away on that kitchen-cabinet project in Tiberias for a couple of weeks last month.
Mary: Oh! That? (nervous laughter)
Um... he came over because the drains were plugged up, and I couldn't get them to flow properly...
Joseph: And that took how many times to fix?
Esther said he was hanging around almost all the time.
Mary: No! Not ALL the time.... He was...
Joseph: And now you're pregnant.
Mary: Yes...
Joseph: By a Holy Spirit...
Mary: Yes...
Joseph: As told to you by an angel...
Mary: Yes...
Joseph: ... who appeared to you in a dream.
Mary: Yes...
Joseph: ... bathed in light.
Mary: Yes...?
Joseph: Makes sense to me. What's for dinner?
Mary: It does?
I mean...
Oh! We're having roast mutton for dinner... your favorite.
Joseph: Cool! I'm starved!
Merry Christmas to all my readers and best wishes for a brilliant New Year!
(no post this Monday)
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Kitty Collector
Years ago when in graduate school, we lived in a log cabin in the woods. An idyllic place it was – surrounded by forest and plenty of wildlife: deer, pheasant, rabbits and the occasional possum or raccoon. We heated our house with a Franklin stove. Since the cabin was only one large room, the wood-fired Franklin was enough to get us through the cold Pennsylvania winters. Our cats, Sumi and Ollie, liked it too.
Both of them were black cats, and they would recline in front of the stove, basking in the warmth. Ollie in particular would lie on the ottoman directly facing the fire and get so hot we would need potholders to move him.
That inspired this fantastic invention which I would like to share with you today. In our rapidly warming world, anything we can do as individuals to reduce our carbon footprint will make a big difference to our children and grandchildren, or other people's children and grandchildren (if you don't have any of your own, or are gay), or to future generations in general (if you don't like to think about these global issues in personal terms), or to my child and potential grandchildren (if you don't really care about this issue at all).
Anyway. The fact that cats soak up radiation makes them passive heat collectors. I noticed it today. We had a rare bit of sunshine streaming into our windows this afternoon, and both of our cats found the spots which received the most solar energy and stretched out for a nap. When they got too warm, they moved to a cooler part of the house.
Can you see what I am getting at? Cats are effective heat absorbers AND provide their own thermostatic control and circulation system.
So here's the plan. Build a solarium onto the side of your house. If you do not have room for a full-sized solarium, even a bank of south-facing windows will do the trick. Next, get some cats. I think somewhere between 30 and 50 would probably do the trick, depending on the size of your house. That would guarantee that while some of them were in the cooler parts of the house, radiating their heat, others would be in the sun, absorbing more. This would be the perfect system for those areas that get plenty of sun but that are still very cold in winter, the high desert, for example.
"But what if there is no sun," You ask?
An excellent question! (In fact I have been impressed by the quality of your questions right along!) Since cats can absorb heat from any radiant source, you could use a wood stove, an oil heater, a heat lamp or any other source that provides radiant heat that cats like to be near. They will – of their own volition – carry this heat to the corners of your house, keeping you toasty throughout the winter.
What better way to make an energy efficient, low carbon-footprint contribution to the future of our planet. Getting the cats off the streets and keeping them away from delinquency would be a positive thing too.
Both of them were black cats, and they would recline in front of the stove, basking in the warmth. Ollie in particular would lie on the ottoman directly facing the fire and get so hot we would need potholders to move him.
That inspired this fantastic invention which I would like to share with you today. In our rapidly warming world, anything we can do as individuals to reduce our carbon footprint will make a big difference to our children and grandchildren, or other people's children and grandchildren (if you don't have any of your own, or are gay), or to future generations in general (if you don't like to think about these global issues in personal terms), or to my child and potential grandchildren (if you don't really care about this issue at all).
Anyway. The fact that cats soak up radiation makes them passive heat collectors. I noticed it today. We had a rare bit of sunshine streaming into our windows this afternoon, and both of our cats found the spots which received the most solar energy and stretched out for a nap. When they got too warm, they moved to a cooler part of the house.
Can you see what I am getting at? Cats are effective heat absorbers AND provide their own thermostatic control and circulation system.
So here's the plan. Build a solarium onto the side of your house. If you do not have room for a full-sized solarium, even a bank of south-facing windows will do the trick. Next, get some cats. I think somewhere between 30 and 50 would probably do the trick, depending on the size of your house. That would guarantee that while some of them were in the cooler parts of the house, radiating their heat, others would be in the sun, absorbing more. This would be the perfect system for those areas that get plenty of sun but that are still very cold in winter, the high desert, for example.
"But what if there is no sun," You ask?
An excellent question! (In fact I have been impressed by the quality of your questions right along!) Since cats can absorb heat from any radiant source, you could use a wood stove, an oil heater, a heat lamp or any other source that provides radiant heat that cats like to be near. They will – of their own volition – carry this heat to the corners of your house, keeping you toasty throughout the winter.
What better way to make an energy efficient, low carbon-footprint contribution to the future of our planet. Getting the cats off the streets and keeping them away from delinquency would be a positive thing too.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tabloid Scoop!
Sent by an alert reader, and following the truth revealed in Men In Black that tabloid news is real news (John Edwards scandal, for example).
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Kim Jong Il's Psychiatrist
As I am sure many of you are aware, Kim Jong Il (the leader of North Korea, in case you have not been paying attention) had a Japanese chef who spilled the beans on the Dear Leader's behavior. Incredible as it might sound, through my clandestine sources, I have received a transcript of a visit made by Kim Jong Il to his personal psychologist. I present it to you here (in the spirit of Wikileaks) unedited and in its entirety.
(This has been transcribed from a recording originally in Korean and translated into English.)
Doctor's voice: (clearing of throat) Today is Monday, November 29th, time is 15:00 Subject name: er... Dear Leader. Session number (sound of papers shuffling) 734.
(cut in sound)
Doctor: Please sit down Dear Leader, make yourself comfortable.
DL: I am SO angry! I am just so angry!
Dr: What is it this time? I mean... what seems to be the particular thing that is bothering you today?
DL: I had a meeting with the Generals, about making my son the next leader of our country, and we spent the WHOLE TIME talking about medals and fat! It is hopeless.
Dr: Medals and fat? (sound of pencil writing)
Why don't you have a seat?
DL: Yes! The generals don't want my son to have more medals than they do, and everyone thinks my son is fat! He is working out to trim down, and I just think their focus on his weight is a challenge to me! They snicker about him behind my back. I am NOT handing out any more medals for a while. They just don't deserve them!
Dr: Surely this is not something you need to fret about so much? The Young General will come into his own in due time. And anyway, he's nowhere near as fat as your oldest son. Now HE has really let himself go.
DL: Don't even MENTION him to me. I was SO embarrassed when he got caught trying to sneak into Japan to go to Disneyland.
Dr: Why not sit down? Have one of these bon bons; they're your favorite brandy ones.
(sound of rustling wrappers)
Dr: Now tell me more about your son.
DL: The generals don't want my son. I can just FEEL it. I need to start a war or something to get them out of my hair!
Dr: Your hair? Interesting comment... (sound of pencil writing)
Maybe you should not eat ALL of the bon bons, Dear Leader... think about your health. Have a seat.... please.
DL: I am so sick of their plotting. What would this country be without ME?! Just read my biography!
Dr: Yes, yes... I have read it. I read the brief one. How could they squeeze your life into only 144 pages!
DL: Do you think I should have them make it longer?
Dr: Er... I didn't mean that... um... anyway... go on?
DL: Did you read the part where I "aroused the workers at the textile factory"(p.11) ?
Dr: Yes, I am sure I did. You have had a remarkable career! No question about it. It will be impossible for anyone to fill your boots, I am sure.
Have a seat.
DL: What do you mean impossible? My son, Jong un, has to be ready to take over in a year or two. My health is not what it used to be.
Dr: I am sure he will do just fine, especially if he trims down as you say and stops looking like he has eaten all the food in the country.
DL: Now YOU are starting to sound like the generals! Get some more bon bons.
Dr: Yes, um... here. (sound of a box being opened)
Now... tell me more about the plot against you.
DL: Well... like at every single mass parade and event everyone applauds for me, right? This time the generals didn't applaud so much. They were trying... TRYING to appear half-hearted. I could tell. And also, I think they were behind the release of that photo of me at the beer party the other day. I wondered what that can of our People's Beer was doing there! I bet the camera was hidden inside it. I will deal with THEM! Let me tell you!
Dr: (sound of stifled laughter) Yes, I saw... er... I heard about that. Of course, I don't get the internet here in my office or at home.
DL: I am telling YOU! Everyone should do what I want. I am tired of this not-so-subtle, behind-the-scenes plotting and messing with MY agenda!
Dr: Yes, I can understand that. Don't you want to sit down?
DL: No more bon bons?
Dr: Um... no, that was the last box.
DL: I will see you again next week. Get more of those bon bons.
Dr: Yes Dear Leader.
DL: And when my son comes in for his session tomorrow, work on his weight issues. He has to LOOK like a general if he wants to take over from me!
Dr: I will do what I can, Dear Leader.
(cut in sound)
Dr: (clearing throat) Evaluation of subject: I am calling this a clear-cut case of NPD. He ate all my bon bons! Where am I going to get more? I had to have those smuggled in from Europe in the diplomatic pouch! Oops, this is still on...
(cut in sound)
. . . . . . . . .
Breaking News
This just in:
The Dear Leader Looking at Things
(This has been transcribed from a recording originally in Korean and translated into English.)
Doctor's voice: (clearing of throat) Today is Monday, November 29th, time is 15:00 Subject name: er... Dear Leader. Session number (sound of papers shuffling) 734.
(cut in sound)
Doctor: Please sit down Dear Leader, make yourself comfortable.
DL: I am SO angry! I am just so angry!
Dr: What is it this time? I mean... what seems to be the particular thing that is bothering you today?
DL: I had a meeting with the Generals, about making my son the next leader of our country, and we spent the WHOLE TIME talking about medals and fat! It is hopeless.
Dr: Medals and fat? (sound of pencil writing)
Why don't you have a seat?
DL: Yes! The generals don't want my son to have more medals than they do, and everyone thinks my son is fat! He is working out to trim down, and I just think their focus on his weight is a challenge to me! They snicker about him behind my back. I am NOT handing out any more medals for a while. They just don't deserve them!
Dr: Surely this is not something you need to fret about so much? The Young General will come into his own in due time. And anyway, he's nowhere near as fat as your oldest son. Now HE has really let himself go.
DL: Don't even MENTION him to me. I was SO embarrassed when he got caught trying to sneak into Japan to go to Disneyland.
Dr: Why not sit down? Have one of these bon bons; they're your favorite brandy ones.
(sound of rustling wrappers)
Dr: Now tell me more about your son.
DL: The generals don't want my son. I can just FEEL it. I need to start a war or something to get them out of my hair!
Dr: Your hair? Interesting comment... (sound of pencil writing)
Maybe you should not eat ALL of the bon bons, Dear Leader... think about your health. Have a seat.... please.
DL: I am so sick of their plotting. What would this country be without ME?! Just read my biography!
Dr: Yes, yes... I have read it. I read the brief one. How could they squeeze your life into only 144 pages!
DL: Do you think I should have them make it longer?
Dr: Er... I didn't mean that... um... anyway... go on?
DL: Did you read the part where I "aroused the workers at the textile factory"(p.11) ?
Dr: Yes, I am sure I did. You have had a remarkable career! No question about it. It will be impossible for anyone to fill your boots, I am sure.
Have a seat.
DL: What do you mean impossible? My son, Jong un, has to be ready to take over in a year or two. My health is not what it used to be.
Dr: I am sure he will do just fine, especially if he trims down as you say and stops looking like he has eaten all the food in the country.
DL: Now YOU are starting to sound like the generals! Get some more bon bons.
Dr: Yes, um... here. (sound of a box being opened)
Now... tell me more about the plot against you.
DL: Well... like at every single mass parade and event everyone applauds for me, right? This time the generals didn't applaud so much. They were trying... TRYING to appear half-hearted. I could tell. And also, I think they were behind the release of that photo of me at the beer party the other day. I wondered what that can of our People's Beer was doing there! I bet the camera was hidden inside it. I will deal with THEM! Let me tell you!
Dr: (sound of stifled laughter) Yes, I saw... er... I heard about that. Of course, I don't get the internet here in my office or at home.
DL: I am telling YOU! Everyone should do what I want. I am tired of this not-so-subtle, behind-the-scenes plotting and messing with MY agenda!
Dr: Yes, I can understand that. Don't you want to sit down?
DL: No more bon bons?
Dr: Um... no, that was the last box.
DL: I will see you again next week. Get more of those bon bons.
Dr: Yes Dear Leader.
DL: And when my son comes in for his session tomorrow, work on his weight issues. He has to LOOK like a general if he wants to take over from me!
Dr: I will do what I can, Dear Leader.
(cut in sound)
Dr: (clearing throat) Evaluation of subject: I am calling this a clear-cut case of NPD. He ate all my bon bons! Where am I going to get more? I had to have those smuggled in from Europe in the diplomatic pouch! Oops, this is still on...
(cut in sound)
. . . . . . . . .
Breaking News
This just in:
The Dear Leader Looking at Things
Monday, December 6, 2010
Cricket 101
Today we are going to take a fascinating look at cricket. I am sure that all of you are aware of this stimulating game and are eager to find out more about it, so you can make sense of the news reports as I do on a regular, even daily basis! (Yes, I am actually THAT cool.)
A good place to start – for those of you who do not regularly read the cricket news – is to quote from the Daily Yomiuri newspaper, an English-language paper published by a major Japanese news organization. This is from the Saturday, December 4th edition. I will explain everything later in "layman's terms".
(these are actual quotes)
First the headline:
Australia Dismissed for Dreary 245 to Start 2nd Test
Then some key points:
Play started in an incredible fashion when Jonathon Trott threw down the stumps from mid-wicket to run out Katich, who did not face a ball.
The excitement builds:
Hussey and Marcus North then made comfortable, if unspectacular, progress before the latter was dismissed for 26 when he nicked a Steven Finn delivery behind while attempting to guide the ball to third man.
Later in the game:
Swan bowled 23 overs in an uninterrupted session either side of tea before making the key breakthrough later in the third session, prompting Hussey to edge to Paul Collingwood at slip.
The explanation:
Now I know that all of you want to be able to read the above as I do and completely understand what it is they are writing about. There are some key things to be aware of that will help you to understand cricket reports.
1. They are written in English. Yes. This may seem doubtful as you read the sentences above, but apparently this is English.
2. There are some vocabulary items you need to remember in order to understand cricket. As I am totally "up" on cricket AND (lucky you) an English teacher, I can list and define them below:
First the headline:
dismissed = sent to the closet for time out
dreary = actually not bad, but we want to look down on them because they are Australian
Key points:
(to) throw down the stumps = (to) throw down the stumps (duh)
mid-wicket = not the top nor the bottom part of the wicket – just the middle bit. On a cow, this would be the sirloin. (If I could draw a picture I would, believe me.)
(to) not face a ball = (to) not look at that part of the cow we call "rocky mountain oysters"... or is that sheep... something like that. :-)
Then we move to the next part of the match. This requires some serious glossing for the "lay person" to understand.
(to) nick a delivery behind = er... this ties into the condom thing with the Pope and all. If he is wearing a condom it's ok, but if not... then he must be "dismissed" (see above).
(to) guide the ball to third man = this is something we cannot talk about on a "family blog" like this. Take it from me; you don't want to know.
Later in the Game:
(to) bowl overs = this is a euphemism for other things we cannot mention on a "family blog" like this one. Maybe I can rephrase it in a more acceptable way? Let's see... you know the expression "(to) bowl (someone) over"? In cricket, it is similar in meaning except you do things that require the wearing of a condom (unless you are the Pope), if you want to score a point. I hope I have not offended you. I really do try to keep this a "family blog".
either side of tea = I actually have no idea about this. Do they get to choose which side? If it is both sides, why don't they say "both sides of tea"? And what does tea have to do with it anyway. It must be a euphemism for something; I just don't know what!
(to) edge (someone) at slip = This one is complicated. You see, some members of the team have to cross-dress. These are the ones who wear slips and who also "bowl overs" (if you get my drift). If a non-cross-dressing player edges one of their slips s/he gets a point unless it is "nicked from behind" without a condom. In that case, s/he loses a point.
And that's it!
Now that you know the basic vocabulary, you are all set to start reading the cricket news! Of course we could not cover all the items in this short lesson, but if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!
A good place to start – for those of you who do not regularly read the cricket news – is to quote from the Daily Yomiuri newspaper, an English-language paper published by a major Japanese news organization. This is from the Saturday, December 4th edition. I will explain everything later in "layman's terms".
(these are actual quotes)
First the headline:
Australia Dismissed for Dreary 245 to Start 2nd Test
Then some key points:
Play started in an incredible fashion when Jonathon Trott threw down the stumps from mid-wicket to run out Katich, who did not face a ball.
The excitement builds:
Hussey and Marcus North then made comfortable, if unspectacular, progress before the latter was dismissed for 26 when he nicked a Steven Finn delivery behind while attempting to guide the ball to third man.
Later in the game:
Swan bowled 23 overs in an uninterrupted session either side of tea before making the key breakthrough later in the third session, prompting Hussey to edge to Paul Collingwood at slip.
The explanation:
Now I know that all of you want to be able to read the above as I do and completely understand what it is they are writing about. There are some key things to be aware of that will help you to understand cricket reports.
1. They are written in English. Yes. This may seem doubtful as you read the sentences above, but apparently this is English.
2. There are some vocabulary items you need to remember in order to understand cricket. As I am totally "up" on cricket AND (lucky you) an English teacher, I can list and define them below:
First the headline:
dismissed = sent to the closet for time out
dreary = actually not bad, but we want to look down on them because they are Australian
Key points:
(to) throw down the stumps = (to) throw down the stumps (duh)
mid-wicket = not the top nor the bottom part of the wicket – just the middle bit. On a cow, this would be the sirloin. (If I could draw a picture I would, believe me.)
(to) not face a ball = (to) not look at that part of the cow we call "rocky mountain oysters"... or is that sheep... something like that. :-)
Then we move to the next part of the match. This requires some serious glossing for the "lay person" to understand.
(to) nick a delivery behind = er... this ties into the condom thing with the Pope and all. If he is wearing a condom it's ok, but if not... then he must be "dismissed" (see above).
(to) guide the ball to third man = this is something we cannot talk about on a "family blog" like this. Take it from me; you don't want to know.
Later in the Game:
(to) bowl overs = this is a euphemism for other things we cannot mention on a "family blog" like this one. Maybe I can rephrase it in a more acceptable way? Let's see... you know the expression "(to) bowl (someone) over"? In cricket, it is similar in meaning except you do things that require the wearing of a condom (unless you are the Pope), if you want to score a point. I hope I have not offended you. I really do try to keep this a "family blog".
either side of tea = I actually have no idea about this. Do they get to choose which side? If it is both sides, why don't they say "both sides of tea"? And what does tea have to do with it anyway. It must be a euphemism for something; I just don't know what!
(to) edge (someone) at slip = This one is complicated. You see, some members of the team have to cross-dress. These are the ones who wear slips and who also "bowl overs" (if you get my drift). If a non-cross-dressing player edges one of their slips s/he gets a point unless it is "nicked from behind" without a condom. In that case, s/he loses a point.
And that's it!
Now that you know the basic vocabulary, you are all set to start reading the cricket news! Of course we could not cover all the items in this short lesson, but if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!
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