Japan has had loads of problems lately with tracking where their seniors have gone. The issue of how to provide for the aging population has simply consumed the nation for years, and now... suddenly... the seniors seem not to have been there all along. Blessings come when least expected.
Electronics giant, Sony (Motto: Let us implant something in you), has decided that having seniors (centenarians in particular) running loose is not the Japanese Way, so they have come up with an IC chip that can help the nation keep track of its elders.
How sweet.
Scenario
Scene opens with obviously demented senior shuffling down the street. She passes a detection device which immediately relays the location of the senior to her family. Her oldest son is watching the J-League soccer game on TV at home.
Oldest Son: (not taking his eyes off of the TV) Hey! Have you looked at the STD today? (SDT = Senior Tracking Device).
Wife: No! And listen... Ichitaro (their son) had his soccer practice this morning and I had to take him out to the field. Then Nihime (their daughter) had her piano lessons after that, so I had to rush back and pick her up and take her over to Hetakuso Piano School for that. What have YOU been doing? It's YOUR mom after all.
Oldest Son: Don't fly into a snit every time we talk about my mom! I was just asking. I thought MAYBE you might have checked the STD to see where she was! I woke up this morning and didn't see her around and just wondered where she might have gone.
Wife: You woke up this morning at 10! I have been up since 5:30. Do you know that Ichitaro (their son... in case you might have forgotten) has his soccer practices during the summer from 8?
Oldest Son: Eight o'clock in the morning? Wow. When I was in school we had soccer practice from 9 o'clock. He must really been getting in some good practice!
Wife: (speaking over the last sentence of Oldest son's comment) What I am saying is, I had to get up at 5:30 and make a lunch for Ichitaro and also Nihime -- and you KNOW how she hates her bento if it isn't cute; I just HATE having to cut the sausages into little octopusses with the eyes and everything? -- and then I had to get Ichitaro's uniform out and get him dressed and so on while you were down here on the floor, wallowing around recovering from your night out with your "colleagues" last night! Why were you out so late anyway?!
Oldest Son: Huh? I was at work... and.... and... then we all went out drinking... it was Friday after all.
Wife: Mmhm.... and where did you go drinking?
Oldest Son: The usual places downtown... I forget... the Bar Licky? I think it was the Bar Licky.
Wife: Yeah? Well, Hiroshi (Oldest son's colleague from work) just called a little while ago -- while you were still unconscious here on the living room floor -- asking why you didn't come out with the company group last night! He wanted to know if you were sick or what?!!
Oldest Son: Oh... Hiroshi called? Oh.... well... what does HE know.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Grandma has walked off the edge of the bridge and fallen into a huge culvert where she has been swept away.)
Oldest Son: I didn't know Hiroshi was going out last night... he told me he had to go home!
Wife: (hands on hips, with eyes staring daggers) So... Where DID you go last evening?!
Oldest Son: Um.. I went drinking like always.... to the Bar Licky... with the others... Hiroshi wasn't there.
Wife: I hate to say this because it makes me seem like an awful person, but I called the Bar Licky and they said no group from Saitei Kaisha (Oldest son's company) had come in last night. (she looks at him meaningfully)
Narrator: Grandma is carried by the unusually high water (this season) and flowed out into Tokyo Bay.
Oldest Son: Hmm... maybe it wasn't the Bar Licky that we went to.... I was drunk! How am I supposed to remember?! Don't you know that in Japanese culture when someone is drunk we forgive and forget all about it?!
Wife: What the fuck are you talking about? You were out with your colleague alright... what's her name... Aiko.
Oldest Son: I WAS not... she was only there for a little while and then she had to go back to her apartment in Roppongi.
Wife: Right... Roppongi...
Oldest Son: Yes... she had to go home to... to... take care of her aging mother.
Narrator: Grandma has been flowed along with a large styrofoam box (used for shipping chilled fish) and managed to stay on top of it as she is swept out beyond Tokyo Bay.
Wife: Crap. Her mother died 20 years ago. Don't you read the papers? Aiko is under suspicion for pension fraud.
Oldest Son: What? Really? Oh... I didn't know that? Wow.... I wondered why she always seemed to be able to pay for all the .....
Wife: The WHAT?!!!
Oldest Son: Oops...
Narrator: Grandma on her styrofoam shipping box has been swept out into the Pacific Ocean.
Wife: I HATE YOU!! You have NEVER cared for me or the kids... I am so TIRED of doing everything around here, waiting on you and your mom hand and.... YOUR MOM!!
Oldest Son: Oh my god... where IS she?!!
Wife: Let me check the STD (Senior Tracking Device, for those of you who have not been paying attention). She is not on the screen! The last blip shows her around the river!!!
Oldest Son: Oh my god! What if she fell in?!! Let's go look for her.
October 17th, 2010
San Francisco (Reuters) Japanese Woman Sets Record
This morning at 08:17 Coast Guard Cutter WAGL-305 Mesquite recovered Ms. Furuko Tanaka from the sea outside of San Francisco bay. She had sailed across the Pacific Ocean on a large, styrofoam shipping box. At 91 years old, she has been recognized by the Guiness Book Of World Records as the oldest person to single-handedly sail across the Pacific Ocean.
When asked about her achievement, Furuko responded, "I love raw fish, and the Pacific Ocean is still full of it!"
She has been taken to a local hotel where she awaits contact from her family in Japan.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Save the Japanese!
Forget the whales and the pandas, a much more urgent extinction is looming. The Japanese might disappear from the planet! Peaking in 2006 at 127,463,611 people (the world's 10th largest population), the Japanese population is "going over the falls" demographically for the foreseeable future.
Immediate steps must be taken to prevent this tragedy from happening and removing one of the more interesting families of humanity from our planet. Think of what might happen should the Japanese disappear forever from the face of the earth.
1. Who would drive the nerdy Otaku culture?
2. Think about anime! What would the world do without this important Japanese cultural contribution?
3. Sushi. (no more needs to be said)
4. What about maid coffee shops? How could we allow these to disappear from our planet?
To escape this desperate situation, the first step is obviously to identify where the actual problems lie. Perhaps some lessons can be learned from the other species that have gone to the edge of elimination?
In the case of the whales, over-hunting led them to the brink of extinction. Clearly this is not the issue with the Japanese. Very few people on the planet include Japanese as a part of their diets.
What about the pandas? Their problem stemmed from an inability to procreate effectively and a tendency to have too few offspring.
Bingo!
The Japanese also seem to display an aversion to having babies. The birthrate is among the lowest in the world. But is it only the birthrate? Apparently not! They also do not have sex. This is similar to the pandas.
What steps can we take now to prevent an international tragedy?
First we have to pinpoint the source of the problem. Let's be blunt here: the problem is the increasing numbers of "herbivore men". These "men" have little interest in women, seeing them as potential friends but not lovers. Interest in desserts, fashions, make-up and so on dominate their minds, so they have little time or energy to devote to the all important challenge of keeping the Japanese race alive.
What can be done?
The parallels with the giant pandas are uncanny. Like the herbivore men, the giant pandas show little interest in sex and clearly fail to appreciate the risk to their species that this lack of commitment to procreation produces. Pandas were induced to increase their interest in and consummation of sexual activity by showing panda porn to the bears in captivity. The Japanese government should take immediate steps to identify these herbivore men and put them in a controlled environment where they can be shown pornography films. The films need to be chosen with the herbivore mentality in mind: a game-like atmosphere and anime characters would be a good start, maybe a sub-theme involving desserts would be helpful.
This movement the save the Japanese cannot be left to the government alone, however. NGOs must also step in to support a truly global effort. Greenpeace and Sea Shepherd should stop wasting their time and money on whales (sheesh!) and redirect their commitment to this threat to one of the planet's most important attributes: the Japanese. Only with the help and support of everyone around the world can we turn this danger to a better advantage and Save the Japanese.
Immediate steps must be taken to prevent this tragedy from happening and removing one of the more interesting families of humanity from our planet. Think of what might happen should the Japanese disappear forever from the face of the earth.
1. Who would drive the nerdy Otaku culture?
2. Think about anime! What would the world do without this important Japanese cultural contribution?
3. Sushi. (no more needs to be said)
4. What about maid coffee shops? How could we allow these to disappear from our planet?
To escape this desperate situation, the first step is obviously to identify where the actual problems lie. Perhaps some lessons can be learned from the other species that have gone to the edge of elimination?
In the case of the whales, over-hunting led them to the brink of extinction. Clearly this is not the issue with the Japanese. Very few people on the planet include Japanese as a part of their diets.
What about the pandas? Their problem stemmed from an inability to procreate effectively and a tendency to have too few offspring.
Bingo!
The Japanese also seem to display an aversion to having babies. The birthrate is among the lowest in the world. But is it only the birthrate? Apparently not! They also do not have sex. This is similar to the pandas.
What steps can we take now to prevent an international tragedy?
First we have to pinpoint the source of the problem. Let's be blunt here: the problem is the increasing numbers of "herbivore men". These "men" have little interest in women, seeing them as potential friends but not lovers. Interest in desserts, fashions, make-up and so on dominate their minds, so they have little time or energy to devote to the all important challenge of keeping the Japanese race alive.
What can be done?
The parallels with the giant pandas are uncanny. Like the herbivore men, the giant pandas show little interest in sex and clearly fail to appreciate the risk to their species that this lack of commitment to procreation produces. Pandas were induced to increase their interest in and consummation of sexual activity by showing panda porn to the bears in captivity. The Japanese government should take immediate steps to identify these herbivore men and put them in a controlled environment where they can be shown pornography films. The films need to be chosen with the herbivore mentality in mind: a game-like atmosphere and anime characters would be a good start, maybe a sub-theme involving desserts would be helpful.
This movement the save the Japanese cannot be left to the government alone, however. NGOs must also step in to support a truly global effort. Greenpeace and Sea Shepherd should stop wasting their time and money on whales (sheesh!) and redirect their commitment to this threat to one of the planet's most important attributes: the Japanese. Only with the help and support of everyone around the world can we turn this danger to a better advantage and Save the Japanese.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Longevity in Japan Part 3
The saga of the missing centenarians continues. Recent investigations discovered one senior's son who was carrying her remains around in a backpack since 2001. He could not afford a proper burial. Clearly her pension payments which continued all the while were not enough to cover the proper disposal of her remains, so what is a son to do? Keeping her close seems warmly filial, considering the suffering he must have endured from losing his beloved mom.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sweeping the Nation
Being basically an over-grown village, the Japanese nation is swept by fads like nowhere else. Something will be reported in the media (the fact of reporting makes it believable) and the next thing you know 127 million people will be jumping on the band wagon.
Consider:
Some 10 years ago Fuji Television reported on Super Time (news program) that putting empty soft-drink bottles (clear ones with water in them) around in your yard would keep cats away. Imagine the convenience of this technique! Only the other night we were awakened by the yowls and howls of a couple of cats outside; if we could have made recourse to putting a few strategic plastic bottles here and there, we would have gotten a good night's sleep. Anyway, the fad swept the nation and people were putting empty plastic soft-drink bottles around their gardens and houses to keep the pesky varmints away. Even as recently as 5 minutes ago (yes, I did go out and check) about ten 1.5 liter, soft-drink bottles can be seen keeping sentry around a neighbor's house.
The Experiment Design: In the interest of scientific inquiry, I decided to conduct experiments on the two members of the feline species that keep us on as staff here. Their names are Pickle (a Japanese stray) and Tweedle (a farmed Himalayan). I wanted to find out if soft-drink bottles filled with water would affect their normal behavior in any way.
As I have limited time to conduct a lengthy experiment (I want to finish this article before I drip too much sweat into the keyboard), I decided to cut right to the chase.
Experiment #1:
1. Fill soft-drink bottle with water.
2. Place soft-drink bottle next to sleeping Tweedle.
The Reaction:
none
The Reaction Upon Awakening:
1. Outstretched nose sniffs soft-drink bottle.
2. Cat goes back to sleep.
OK. But Tweedle is a fancy, designer cat. Who KNOWS where her genes came from. Plus, she is old and not heavily into youthful things – like actually moving.
Experiment #2:
1. Find Pickle
2. Can't find Pickle, so I will report on her at a later date.
Anyway, these fads sweep the nation like no other.
Consider:
In the early 1990s in the city of Sendai (there is some debate about the origin, but Sendai seems to be the front runner), high school girls somehow got the idea that wearing floppy socks around the lower part of their legs would make their legs look nicer. This was coupled with rolling up the waist of the school uniform's skirt to make it shorter, exposing more of the upper part of the leg. Instantly, the fashion swept the nation and high school girls across the country were rushing to flatter their appearances with these new floppy socks. By the early 21st century the fashion had faded among main-stream high school girls and been co-opted by a subcultural group. They can be still seen here and there today (I looked out my window, but as school is in session, I was unable to confirm or deny that they are still visible on the streets here. I can't actually see the road so well from this vantage point either.).
Consider:
The banana panic of 2008 struck without warning! Japanese women (let's brazenly make a huge generalization here) tend to be faddy. And nothing screams fad more than the latest diet craze!
Some Background:
Japanese women (continuing the brazen generalization) also tend not to be fat. We saw a woman who went through an entire pregnancy and birth without us ever being aware of the whole thing, so little did she change her physique. Wait... that is not fat, but anyway... Japanese women tend to be petite and thin. By and large, among those women who THINK they need to lose weight and who would jump at any diet that promised easy and spectacular weight losses, only a tiny fraction really needs it. Nonetheless, a fad is a fad and (see first generalization) there are those who pay less attention to the details of it before taking the plunge.
The Diet:
Popular TV shows at first, and then later picked up by fashionable magazines and other venues, reported that a person (person = woman) could lose a lot of weight by eating bananas in the morning. You needed to eat one banana or more for breakfast with water, eat a regular lunch and dinner and go to bed before midnight (Time's report here). So basically, instead of the usual Japanese breakfast which consists of a small bowl of rice, some miso soup, a softboiled egg and maybe a tiny piece of fish, you would eat bananas. The key of course is the later eating of the "regular lunch and dinner". Japanese "regular lunches and dinners" fall into the petite category by American standards (omg... I need to write about this one restaurant in California...), so we are not talking a huge intake of calories at the later end of the day. Only one mid-afternoon snack, no desserts.
The Results:
Bananas were literally swept from grocery store shelves within a day. There were no bananas to be found ANYWHERE in the country, so fast did the fad take hold. Criticism by nutritionists and health experts notwithstanding, the fad stayed for several months (probably because the lack of bananas kept a lot of dieters from starting their new-found regimen), and then disappeared as quickly as it materialized. On TV and in magazines, of course, people (people = mostly women) reported dramatic weight losses, but amongst the general population there did not seem to be any significant change. Bananas remained hard to find for several months until the banana importers (all the bananas are imported) managed to bring in enough to restock the shelves. The fad had dissipated by then, but so many bananas were "in the pipeline" to feed the fad (pardon the pun), that the stores could not find place for them. Tables were piled high with the yellow fruit and checking out the supermarket yesterday, I found that even now there seems to be an oversupply of bananas.
Japanese supermarkets invariably have a special table for fruit and vegetables that are approaching their shelf life limitations. Everything is way cheaper there. The overlarge pile of bananas on that table looked pretty good too!
Return to Experiment #2:
3. Found Pickle lying around on the deck (not sleeping).
4. Place soft-drink bottle 10 cm from her nose.
The Reaction:
1. Cat gives lavish display of affection by rubbing on deck chair and deck railing near the soft-drink bottle (but does not rub on soft-drink bottle).
2. Cat lies back down in same position 10 cm from soft-drink bottle.
Pickle is a pure Japanese cat – replete with all the DNA and genetic predispositions of several thousand years of Japanese catdom. If she was not bothered by the soft-drink bottle, no cat would be.
Conclusions:
The results of my scientific experiment pretty much speak for themselves; the fad (as has also been subsequently reported in many places in Japanese) is based on bogus information. Nonetheless, this being Japan, traditions die hard.
Consider:
Some 10 years ago Fuji Television reported on Super Time (news program) that putting empty soft-drink bottles (clear ones with water in them) around in your yard would keep cats away. Imagine the convenience of this technique! Only the other night we were awakened by the yowls and howls of a couple of cats outside; if we could have made recourse to putting a few strategic plastic bottles here and there, we would have gotten a good night's sleep. Anyway, the fad swept the nation and people were putting empty plastic soft-drink bottles around their gardens and houses to keep the pesky varmints away. Even as recently as 5 minutes ago (yes, I did go out and check) about ten 1.5 liter, soft-drink bottles can be seen keeping sentry around a neighbor's house.
The Experiment Design: In the interest of scientific inquiry, I decided to conduct experiments on the two members of the feline species that keep us on as staff here. Their names are Pickle (a Japanese stray) and Tweedle (a farmed Himalayan). I wanted to find out if soft-drink bottles filled with water would affect their normal behavior in any way.
As I have limited time to conduct a lengthy experiment (I want to finish this article before I drip too much sweat into the keyboard), I decided to cut right to the chase.
Experiment #1:
1. Fill soft-drink bottle with water.
2. Place soft-drink bottle next to sleeping Tweedle.
The Reaction:
none
The Reaction Upon Awakening:
1. Outstretched nose sniffs soft-drink bottle.
2. Cat goes back to sleep.
OK. But Tweedle is a fancy, designer cat. Who KNOWS where her genes came from. Plus, she is old and not heavily into youthful things – like actually moving.
Experiment #2:
1. Find Pickle
2. Can't find Pickle, so I will report on her at a later date.
Anyway, these fads sweep the nation like no other.
Consider:
In the early 1990s in the city of Sendai (there is some debate about the origin, but Sendai seems to be the front runner), high school girls somehow got the idea that wearing floppy socks around the lower part of their legs would make their legs look nicer. This was coupled with rolling up the waist of the school uniform's skirt to make it shorter, exposing more of the upper part of the leg. Instantly, the fashion swept the nation and high school girls across the country were rushing to flatter their appearances with these new floppy socks. By the early 21st century the fashion had faded among main-stream high school girls and been co-opted by a subcultural group. They can be still seen here and there today (I looked out my window, but as school is in session, I was unable to confirm or deny that they are still visible on the streets here. I can't actually see the road so well from this vantage point either.).
Consider:
The banana panic of 2008 struck without warning! Japanese women (let's brazenly make a huge generalization here) tend to be faddy. And nothing screams fad more than the latest diet craze!
Some Background:
Japanese women (continuing the brazen generalization) also tend not to be fat. We saw a woman who went through an entire pregnancy and birth without us ever being aware of the whole thing, so little did she change her physique. Wait... that is not fat, but anyway... Japanese women tend to be petite and thin. By and large, among those women who THINK they need to lose weight and who would jump at any diet that promised easy and spectacular weight losses, only a tiny fraction really needs it. Nonetheless, a fad is a fad and (see first generalization) there are those who pay less attention to the details of it before taking the plunge.
The Diet:
Popular TV shows at first, and then later picked up by fashionable magazines and other venues, reported that a person (person = woman) could lose a lot of weight by eating bananas in the morning. You needed to eat one banana or more for breakfast with water, eat a regular lunch and dinner and go to bed before midnight (Time's report here). So basically, instead of the usual Japanese breakfast which consists of a small bowl of rice, some miso soup, a softboiled egg and maybe a tiny piece of fish, you would eat bananas. The key of course is the later eating of the "regular lunch and dinner". Japanese "regular lunches and dinners" fall into the petite category by American standards (omg... I need to write about this one restaurant in California...), so we are not talking a huge intake of calories at the later end of the day. Only one mid-afternoon snack, no desserts.
The Results:
Bananas were literally swept from grocery store shelves within a day. There were no bananas to be found ANYWHERE in the country, so fast did the fad take hold. Criticism by nutritionists and health experts notwithstanding, the fad stayed for several months (probably because the lack of bananas kept a lot of dieters from starting their new-found regimen), and then disappeared as quickly as it materialized. On TV and in magazines, of course, people (people = mostly women) reported dramatic weight losses, but amongst the general population there did not seem to be any significant change. Bananas remained hard to find for several months until the banana importers (all the bananas are imported) managed to bring in enough to restock the shelves. The fad had dissipated by then, but so many bananas were "in the pipeline" to feed the fad (pardon the pun), that the stores could not find place for them. Tables were piled high with the yellow fruit and checking out the supermarket yesterday, I found that even now there seems to be an oversupply of bananas.
Japanese supermarkets invariably have a special table for fruit and vegetables that are approaching their shelf life limitations. Everything is way cheaper there. The overlarge pile of bananas on that table looked pretty good too!
Return to Experiment #2:
3. Found Pickle lying around on the deck (not sleeping).
4. Place soft-drink bottle 10 cm from her nose.
The Reaction:
1. Cat gives lavish display of affection by rubbing on deck chair and deck railing near the soft-drink bottle (but does not rub on soft-drink bottle).
2. Cat lies back down in same position 10 cm from soft-drink bottle.
Pickle is a pure Japanese cat – replete with all the DNA and genetic predispositions of several thousand years of Japanese catdom. If she was not bothered by the soft-drink bottle, no cat would be.
Conclusions:
The results of my scientific experiment pretty much speak for themselves; the fad (as has also been subsequently reported in many places in Japanese) is based on bogus information. Nonetheless, this being Japan, traditions die hard.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Longevity in Japan
It's well known that Japanese have one of the longest life expectancies in the world. There are many people around in their 70s and 80s and even 90-year-olds are not that uncommon. People who live to be 100 years old – passing the century mark – are often singled out by their communities for recognition. A social worker or someone from city hall will come around, bringing a small gift to recognize the remarkable achievement in long life.
Of course, often the elderly centenarians cannot come to the door to receive their award. After all, being 100 years old is no picnic. The old people might be napping. They might be ill and bed ridden. They might be dead.
Dead?
Alas, yes. Mr. Kato a resident of Suginami Ward in Tokyo reached the remarkable age of 111 years old this year. Welfare workers from the ward office wanted to visit this amazing man to present him with a small token of their appreciation of his being the oldest man in the entire city of Tokyo. Regrettably, according to his daughter, he was unable to come to the door on account of being bed ridden. They came back another time. Unfortunately, the poor man still could not make it to the door. They returned another time determined to recognize him for being the oldest man in the whole city of Tokyo. Once again, his daughter said he was not up to receiving visitors.
This made the ward officials suspicious, and they went to the police. The police – not bringing an award – forced their way into the house and discovered the reason for Mr. Kato's inability to receive guests. He was dead. Not only dead, but mummified. The police found newspapers scattered about his room with dates from 30 years previous. It seems that Mr. Kato had not lived to be 111, but more like 81. The family is being investigated for pension fraud.
Ah, the bad apples that spoil the barrel. What is to be done about them?
The officials in Suginami Ward (obviously a hotbed of longevity) shook their heads in disbelief. "It's isolated incidents like this that give everyone the wrong impression about longevity in Tokyo!"
Another day. Suginami Ward officials head out to pay their respects and give recognition to Ms. Furuya who, at 113 years old, is the oldest woman in Tokyo. Greeted at the door by her daughter, they discover that Ms. Furuya does not live there anymore. Despite the centenarian being registered at that address, the daughter claims that her elderly mother has not lived there for years, but is living with her brother with whom she has no contact. Upon investigation, authorities find that the house where the brother was supposed to be living had been torn down to make way for a highway. When they catch up with him later, he claims to have no knowledge of his mother either.
Uh oh. Suddenly everyone over 100 is suspect of not being over 100 anymore. Orders have been sent out, and now (even in the rural prefecture where we live, Niigata) social workers are going door-to-door to check on the welfare of the centenarians in their communities. As of tonight, no "missing" 100-year-olds have been discovered here in Niigata, but around the country? Nearly 200 centenarians remain unaccounted for.
Are you thinking what I am thinking?
No, not THAT thought!
The one about the 90-year-olds. That one.
Maybe a lot of them are missing too?
But on another note, Japan has long been concerned about the aging of its population and how the proportion of elderly folks is so high relative to the number of young people who are working to pay the way. Good news for the workers: there may not be so many old people after all!
Of course, often the elderly centenarians cannot come to the door to receive their award. After all, being 100 years old is no picnic. The old people might be napping. They might be ill and bed ridden. They might be dead.
Dead?
Alas, yes. Mr. Kato a resident of Suginami Ward in Tokyo reached the remarkable age of 111 years old this year. Welfare workers from the ward office wanted to visit this amazing man to present him with a small token of their appreciation of his being the oldest man in the entire city of Tokyo. Regrettably, according to his daughter, he was unable to come to the door on account of being bed ridden. They came back another time. Unfortunately, the poor man still could not make it to the door. They returned another time determined to recognize him for being the oldest man in the whole city of Tokyo. Once again, his daughter said he was not up to receiving visitors.
This made the ward officials suspicious, and they went to the police. The police – not bringing an award – forced their way into the house and discovered the reason for Mr. Kato's inability to receive guests. He was dead. Not only dead, but mummified. The police found newspapers scattered about his room with dates from 30 years previous. It seems that Mr. Kato had not lived to be 111, but more like 81. The family is being investigated for pension fraud.
Ah, the bad apples that spoil the barrel. What is to be done about them?
The officials in Suginami Ward (obviously a hotbed of longevity) shook their heads in disbelief. "It's isolated incidents like this that give everyone the wrong impression about longevity in Tokyo!"
Another day. Suginami Ward officials head out to pay their respects and give recognition to Ms. Furuya who, at 113 years old, is the oldest woman in Tokyo. Greeted at the door by her daughter, they discover that Ms. Furuya does not live there anymore. Despite the centenarian being registered at that address, the daughter claims that her elderly mother has not lived there for years, but is living with her brother with whom she has no contact. Upon investigation, authorities find that the house where the brother was supposed to be living had been torn down to make way for a highway. When they catch up with him later, he claims to have no knowledge of his mother either.
Uh oh. Suddenly everyone over 100 is suspect of not being over 100 anymore. Orders have been sent out, and now (even in the rural prefecture where we live, Niigata) social workers are going door-to-door to check on the welfare of the centenarians in their communities. As of tonight, no "missing" 100-year-olds have been discovered here in Niigata, but around the country? Nearly 200 centenarians remain unaccounted for.
Are you thinking what I am thinking?
No, not THAT thought!
The one about the 90-year-olds. That one.
Maybe a lot of them are missing too?
But on another note, Japan has long been concerned about the aging of its population and how the proportion of elderly folks is so high relative to the number of young people who are working to pay the way. Good news for the workers: there may not be so many old people after all!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Japanese World Cup Soccer Team
After promises by Head Coach Okada to make it to the final 8, the Japanese World Cup soccer team once again came up short of expectations. Time was that Japan's players being naturally smaller and lighter than the heavy-weights from Germany and Brazil had a built-in excuse for their lack of success. But nowadays with two goal keepers and a couple of other players over 182 cm (6 ft) tall, the disadvantage in height around the goal box has been lessened. Deficits in weight and muscle have been compensated for by a fast-paced, run-'em-into-the-ground "Japanese style" of play.
So what's missing?
Cat poop.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Cat poop is what the Japanese team lacks in its quest for World Cup glory. You see, cat poop contains a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii. This parasite lodges in the brains of its victims and can cause changes in animal – including human – behavior. Most interesting is the apparent connection between rates of toxoplasmosis infection and soccer performance. Let me quote Slate Magazine where I first stumbled upon this information.
"Rank the top 25 FIFA team countries by Toxo rate and you get, in order from the top: Brazil (67 percent), Argentina (52 percent), France (45 percent), Spain (44 percent), and Germany (43 percent). Collectively, these are the teams responsible for eight of the last 10 World Cup overall winners. Spain, the only one of the group never to have won a cup, is no subpar outlier—the Spaniards have the most World Cup victories of any perpetual runner-up." (Posted Thursday, July 1, 2010, at 7:26 PM ET)
And who won the World Cup this year? Spain! Clearly infection with toxoplasmosis is the route to World Cup success.
So how does this infection take place? While toxoplasma gondii can be found in many places, cat poo is one of the best sources of the parasite. The Japanese players are simply not getting enough cat poo in their lives to turn them into the rip-snorting competitors they need to be to win consistently on the world stage.
What can be done?
Obviously the best procedure would be to serve cat poo at the team's training table, but since the "poo bento" might not go down well with the players, another approach has to be considered. Despite the team's nickname of "Samurai Blue", the sacrifices expected of samurai of old cannot be expected of the modern generation.
I remember that when my wife was pregnant, we read that the risk of toxoplasmosis to the unborn was very high. This meant that I was relegated to the task of kitty litter box cleaning for the entire 9 months (at least). While this additional chore did not turn ME into a soccer champ, it might well have protected our son from brain damage or potential blindness.
So my solution is for Japanese National Team members each to be given a cat to take care of. They should be asked to routinely clean the litter boxes as part of their training. Another tactic to make this therapy more acceptable would be to send out an appeal for donations of used kitty litter from around the country and use this material as a soccer pitch covering. The running around, tackling, and rolling in the used kitty litter surface would undoubtedly provide that all-important exposure to the toxoplasma parasite.
Introducing this regimen at the national team level, however, might be too late. To assure a steady supply of infected athletes, used kitty litter should be the surface of choice for all J-League venues as well as on public school playgrounds around the nation. (An added benefit to this policy would be the recycling of used kitty litter and removing it from precious landfill areas.)
Within as few as 10 years, toxoplasmosis infection rates would reach the lofty heights of the Brazilians and other world leaders, and then Japan too would be confidently taking its well-earned place on the World Cup podium, raising the coveted trophy to the stands of admiring spectators.
So what's missing?
Cat poop.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Cat poop is what the Japanese team lacks in its quest for World Cup glory. You see, cat poop contains a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii. This parasite lodges in the brains of its victims and can cause changes in animal – including human – behavior. Most interesting is the apparent connection between rates of toxoplasmosis infection and soccer performance. Let me quote Slate Magazine where I first stumbled upon this information.
"Rank the top 25 FIFA team countries by Toxo rate and you get, in order from the top: Brazil (67 percent), Argentina (52 percent), France (45 percent), Spain (44 percent), and Germany (43 percent). Collectively, these are the teams responsible for eight of the last 10 World Cup overall winners. Spain, the only one of the group never to have won a cup, is no subpar outlier—the Spaniards have the most World Cup victories of any perpetual runner-up." (Posted Thursday, July 1, 2010, at 7:26 PM ET)
And who won the World Cup this year? Spain! Clearly infection with toxoplasmosis is the route to World Cup success.
So how does this infection take place? While toxoplasma gondii can be found in many places, cat poo is one of the best sources of the parasite. The Japanese players are simply not getting enough cat poo in their lives to turn them into the rip-snorting competitors they need to be to win consistently on the world stage.
What can be done?
Obviously the best procedure would be to serve cat poo at the team's training table, but since the "poo bento" might not go down well with the players, another approach has to be considered. Despite the team's nickname of "Samurai Blue", the sacrifices expected of samurai of old cannot be expected of the modern generation.
I remember that when my wife was pregnant, we read that the risk of toxoplasmosis to the unborn was very high. This meant that I was relegated to the task of kitty litter box cleaning for the entire 9 months (at least). While this additional chore did not turn ME into a soccer champ, it might well have protected our son from brain damage or potential blindness.
So my solution is for Japanese National Team members each to be given a cat to take care of. They should be asked to routinely clean the litter boxes as part of their training. Another tactic to make this therapy more acceptable would be to send out an appeal for donations of used kitty litter from around the country and use this material as a soccer pitch covering. The running around, tackling, and rolling in the used kitty litter surface would undoubtedly provide that all-important exposure to the toxoplasma parasite.
Introducing this regimen at the national team level, however, might be too late. To assure a steady supply of infected athletes, used kitty litter should be the surface of choice for all J-League venues as well as on public school playgrounds around the nation. (An added benefit to this policy would be the recycling of used kitty litter and removing it from precious landfill areas.)
Within as few as 10 years, toxoplasmosis infection rates would reach the lofty heights of the Brazilians and other world leaders, and then Japan too would be confidently taking its well-earned place on the World Cup podium, raising the coveted trophy to the stands of admiring spectators.
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