A Hipcat's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the pad
Not a cool cat was restless
and that wasn't bad!
The nighttime was quiet –
Like out on a farm –
But soon, in a flash,
I sat up in alarm.
Overhead on the rooftop
Something slithered or crawled.
I grabbed a big candle
And gazed upward, appalled.
The roof timbers squeaked loudly
And distressingly groaned,
And when I saw what was up there,
I thought I was stoned.
It was weird, man, a freakout,
It was a funny, old dude
and reindeer, or horses
or something that "moo"-ed.
This dude was in red, man,
I kid you guys not,
He was fat and quite jolly
(from a pipeful of pot?)
He came in through the window
His hair flowing like fleece.
He winked and laughed loudly;
I called the police.
"I'm Santa!" He bellowed,
As they hauled him away
With his boxes and creatures,
And rusty, red sleigh.
"Sure, you are Santa,"
Said cops, rolling their eyes,
"We could tell it was you,
even with your disguise."
The cops reassured me
That all was all right.
One even said, "Merry Christmas, Bud,
And have a good night."
Epilogue:
So I will have my nice Christmas –
Perhaps a white one again –
Free from one crackpot robber
Who's serving seven to ten.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Homeless Count
In a previous post,we discovered how the National Police Agency in Japan keeps a detailed account of how many motorcycle gang members there are around the nation. It's important to keep an accurate score in Japan, so I was not so surprised to read that according to a recent article related to homeless people, the Japanese government's Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare was quoted as saying that there are 8,265 homeless people in Japan. Not wanting to take this report from the Times of India at face value, I checked on the Ministry's website and found that in 2009 they calculated that there were 15,759 homeless people in the nation, down from 25,296 in 2003.
As with the motorcycle gang members, the data seems incredibly precise, so – as a hard-hitting news hound – I thought it would be important to find out how they were able to get such accurate data.
I called in and made an appointment at the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare to talk to someone about this question. They set me up with a Mr. Chosa, Sub-Assistant Databank Controller.
His secretary escorted me to his office and introduced me.
Mr. Chosa: Oh! They didn't say anything about a foreigner.
Me: Uh... should I come back as someone else later?
Mr. Chosa Ha ha! No, please sit down (points to a large, overstuffed chair in front of his desk). What can I do for you?
Me: I have a question about the number of homeless in Japan.
Mr. Chosa: Sure, sure... go ahead!
Me: A recent article stated that there are 8,265 homeless people in the whole country – this in comparison to more than 600,000 in the US which only has about 3 times the population of Japan.
Mr. Chosa: Yes, it is a serious problem in the United States.
Me: But what I was wondering is how you can come up with such a precise figure. I mean, why is it 8,265 homeless people and not 8,264 or 8,266 people?
Mr. Chosa: (looking at me like I have a learning disability) We know how to count here in Japan. Our students regularly score at the top of the ratings in international comparative math examinations. (He looks at me as if that answers the question.)
Me: I see... so how DO you actually count them to get such a precise figure?
Mr. Chosa: With counters. Maybe you have seen people using these at sports events and so on? They stand outside the entrances and click the counters for each person who enters? It's not a high-tech thing (he raises his eyebrows as if I might think they were).
Me: So you send people out to count them?
Mr. Chosa: Sure. It's a very demanding job, and we have to hire a lot of people to do the work.
Me: But there are homeless people everywhere. I have seen them, living along the river in my rural community. How can you possibly count them all?
Mr. Chosa: Like I said, it's very demanding. We need to canvas all of the likely places and cross-check and so on... it's not easy (he bowed his head as if he – personally – had suffered from the difficulty of it).
Me: Cross-checking! I was going to ask about that. How could you be sure you weren't counting people more than one time.
Mr. Chosa: Yes, that is a very important part of our work.
Me: So who do you hire to do this work of counting all the homeless.
Mr. Chosa: (looking at me like I was deprived of oxygen as a fetus) The homeless, of course.
Me: You hire homeless people to count homeless people?
Mr. Chosa: Who better?
Me: So how do you cross-check their results to make sure they are not counting people several times.
Mr. Chosa: It's easy. We have them all come into one of our public facilities and compare notes. It takes days.
Me: Do they count themselves then too?
Mr. Chosa: Of course not. While they are in the public facilities they are not homeless, so they do not count themselves. That's part of the deal.
Me: Ah... so Japan's homeless rate is so low despite a struggling economy.....
Mr. Chosa: What are you implying?
Me: Nothing... nothing.... thank you very much for your time.
Mr. Chosa: We here at the Welfare Ministry are always happy to help.
As with the motorcycle gang members, the data seems incredibly precise, so – as a hard-hitting news hound – I thought it would be important to find out how they were able to get such accurate data.
I called in and made an appointment at the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare to talk to someone about this question. They set me up with a Mr. Chosa, Sub-Assistant Databank Controller.
His secretary escorted me to his office and introduced me.
Mr. Chosa: Oh! They didn't say anything about a foreigner.
Me: Uh... should I come back as someone else later?
Mr. Chosa Ha ha! No, please sit down (points to a large, overstuffed chair in front of his desk). What can I do for you?
Me: I have a question about the number of homeless in Japan.
Mr. Chosa: Sure, sure... go ahead!
Me: A recent article stated that there are 8,265 homeless people in the whole country – this in comparison to more than 600,000 in the US which only has about 3 times the population of Japan.
Mr. Chosa: Yes, it is a serious problem in the United States.
Me: But what I was wondering is how you can come up with such a precise figure. I mean, why is it 8,265 homeless people and not 8,264 or 8,266 people?
Mr. Chosa: (looking at me like I have a learning disability) We know how to count here in Japan. Our students regularly score at the top of the ratings in international comparative math examinations. (He looks at me as if that answers the question.)
Me: I see... so how DO you actually count them to get such a precise figure?
Mr. Chosa: With counters. Maybe you have seen people using these at sports events and so on? They stand outside the entrances and click the counters for each person who enters? It's not a high-tech thing (he raises his eyebrows as if I might think they were).
Me: So you send people out to count them?
Mr. Chosa: Sure. It's a very demanding job, and we have to hire a lot of people to do the work.
Me: But there are homeless people everywhere. I have seen them, living along the river in my rural community. How can you possibly count them all?
Mr. Chosa: Like I said, it's very demanding. We need to canvas all of the likely places and cross-check and so on... it's not easy (he bowed his head as if he – personally – had suffered from the difficulty of it).
Me: Cross-checking! I was going to ask about that. How could you be sure you weren't counting people more than one time.
Mr. Chosa: Yes, that is a very important part of our work.
Me: So who do you hire to do this work of counting all the homeless.
Mr. Chosa: (looking at me like I was deprived of oxygen as a fetus) The homeless, of course.
Me: You hire homeless people to count homeless people?
Mr. Chosa: Who better?
Me: So how do you cross-check their results to make sure they are not counting people several times.
Mr. Chosa: It's easy. We have them all come into one of our public facilities and compare notes. It takes days.
Me: Do they count themselves then too?
Mr. Chosa: Of course not. While they are in the public facilities they are not homeless, so they do not count themselves. That's part of the deal.
Me: Ah... so Japan's homeless rate is so low despite a struggling economy.....
Mr. Chosa: What are you implying?
Me: Nothing... nothing.... thank you very much for your time.
Mr. Chosa: We here at the Welfare Ministry are always happy to help.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Eucharist Goes Viral
Perhaps you have seen this report about the bishop who might have inadvertently given his parishioners hepatitis through the instrument of Holy Communion. Apparently the bishop got hepatitis himself while on a trip to Italy and brought it back to North Dakota unwittingly as an unwelcome souvenir. He seemed to have gotten it from contaminated food over there.
The worry is that in the giving of communion in four churches, he may have passed along the disease to members of the congregations. Parishioners are being warned by the Department of Health to be on the lookout for symptoms of the illness, which include "fever, tiredness, loss of appetite, nausea, abdominal discomfort, dark urine, pale stools or jaundice".
Sounds yucky.
As you may also be aware, the Roman Catholic Church believes in "transubstantiation". This is the belief that the bread and wine of Communion actually change into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. This enables the believer to become more like Jesus and to leave behind the sins that have led him or her away from God. Ignoring the "eww factor", we can guess that the worshipers at the churches in North Dakota were participating in just such a ritual.
The typical sacramental bread is in wafer form, unleavened and made only with water and wheat flour. The wafers were traditionally made in convents by nuns, but nowadays most are made and stamped by machine. Since wheat flour typically has gluten, the transubstantiation into the body of Christ removes any danger of gluten intolerance, proving the power of this belief.
As the wafers pass from manufacturer to distributor, from distributor to local church, from local church to the mouths of the faithful, they must pick up various "contaminants", dust, packaging molecules, and so on. Presumably these all turn into the body of Jesus upon consumption by the flocks of believers receiving them, since the priest holds up the wafer with "everything on it" and proclaims it to be the "body of Christ". Any believer would agree that the hepatitis along with everything else clinging to the wafer turns into the body of Jesus.
Clearly this is another example of government encroachment on religious rights of worship. The Department of Health in North Dakota, obviously under the godless influence of the Obama administration, is raising concerns that the Holy Eucharist might be contaminated with disease! Catholics should know that the alarm is being raised unnecessarily and that the faithful flocks in North Dakota have absolutely nothing to worry about.
The worry is that in the giving of communion in four churches, he may have passed along the disease to members of the congregations. Parishioners are being warned by the Department of Health to be on the lookout for symptoms of the illness, which include "fever, tiredness, loss of appetite, nausea, abdominal discomfort, dark urine, pale stools or jaundice".
Sounds yucky.
As you may also be aware, the Roman Catholic Church believes in "transubstantiation". This is the belief that the bread and wine of Communion actually change into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. This enables the believer to become more like Jesus and to leave behind the sins that have led him or her away from God. Ignoring the "eww factor", we can guess that the worshipers at the churches in North Dakota were participating in just such a ritual.
The typical sacramental bread is in wafer form, unleavened and made only with water and wheat flour. The wafers were traditionally made in convents by nuns, but nowadays most are made and stamped by machine. Since wheat flour typically has gluten, the transubstantiation into the body of Christ removes any danger of gluten intolerance, proving the power of this belief.
As the wafers pass from manufacturer to distributor, from distributor to local church, from local church to the mouths of the faithful, they must pick up various "contaminants", dust, packaging molecules, and so on. Presumably these all turn into the body of Jesus upon consumption by the flocks of believers receiving them, since the priest holds up the wafer with "everything on it" and proclaims it to be the "body of Christ". Any believer would agree that the hepatitis along with everything else clinging to the wafer turns into the body of Jesus.
Clearly this is another example of government encroachment on religious rights of worship. The Department of Health in North Dakota, obviously under the godless influence of the Obama administration, is raising concerns that the Holy Eucharist might be contaminated with disease! Catholics should know that the alarm is being raised unnecessarily and that the faithful flocks in North Dakota have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Hello~ Kitty! Zzzz...
Many of us who live with cats end up admiring their nonchalance, their somewhat cynical, life-worn attitudes and their incomparable ability to sleep so much. After all, what IS it that they do that makes them so tired all the time? Work? Ha! They have staff to do that for them.
Try to get your cat to fetch the newspaper or your slippers or even to guard your house against intruders. Hey... never mind intruders, how about guarding your house against rodents!
Cat: "What's that, a mouse? I could go over there and catch it, but I am cozy here in this puddle of sun, and if I get up, the warm spot will move and won't be so toasty anymore, and also I will have to actually walk over there, and the mouse will probably run away by then, and it's in the opposite direction of my food bowl, so I will have gotten up for nothing... (yawn) zzzzz."
So this is a never-ending question: why are cats so lethargic and how is it that they can spend so much time sleeping?
Science – as always – provides some clues. Recent research indicates that sleep helps to clear the brain of toxins, particularly those which may be responsible for Alzheimer's and other dementia-related illnesses. It would be fun to think that small "cleaner cells" are moving through the brain while we slumber, cleaning up "plaque" like over-weight park attendants with leaf blowers, but in fact that is not what is happening.
Apparently the whole brain shrinks in on itself, allowing brain fluids to wash out all the bad wastes. It's like a tidal function with the "land" receding rather than the "ocean" advancing. The brain in this receded state is apparently unable to carry on normal brain functions, and this – researchers claim – is one reason we go to sleep.
So fundamentally, sleep is good for us, good for our brains, and it may stand in the way of our developing debilitating dementia. Therefore, it is important to get enough sleep. This may seem simple enough, but once again research points out that how much shut-eye you might need is very idiosyncratic and not only varies from person-to-person but also within the same person's life, depending on what s/he is doing.
People of old used to sleep twice in a night and even referred to it as "first sleep/second sleep". They would doze off in the evening and then wake up in the middle of the night and actually DO things like visit friends or go to church.
While your friends might not appreciate you cheerily popping in with a bottle of wine at 1 AM, clearly we do need to change our whole attitude towards sleeping.
Do you wake up in the middle of the night and find it hard to go back to sleep again? Not to worry! You should go ahead and get up. Do something, like bake cookies or wash the car. When you feel tired again, you should return to bed and go back to sleep.
Do you feel guilty about taking that nap in the afternoon? Don't! That nap is helping to wash your brain clear of dangerous toxins that may give you a debilitating memory disease. In fact, you should take more naps! Why not have one in the morning AND one in the afternoon. You could call your "first sleep" in the evening a nap too, and your "second sleep" later another nap. Actually, you could call them all "cat naps".
Did you ever see a cat with Alzheimer's?
I rest my case.
Try to get your cat to fetch the newspaper or your slippers or even to guard your house against intruders. Hey... never mind intruders, how about guarding your house against rodents!
Cat: "What's that, a mouse? I could go over there and catch it, but I am cozy here in this puddle of sun, and if I get up, the warm spot will move and won't be so toasty anymore, and also I will have to actually walk over there, and the mouse will probably run away by then, and it's in the opposite direction of my food bowl, so I will have gotten up for nothing... (yawn) zzzzz."
So this is a never-ending question: why are cats so lethargic and how is it that they can spend so much time sleeping?
Science – as always – provides some clues. Recent research indicates that sleep helps to clear the brain of toxins, particularly those which may be responsible for Alzheimer's and other dementia-related illnesses. It would be fun to think that small "cleaner cells" are moving through the brain while we slumber, cleaning up "plaque" like over-weight park attendants with leaf blowers, but in fact that is not what is happening.
Apparently the whole brain shrinks in on itself, allowing brain fluids to wash out all the bad wastes. It's like a tidal function with the "land" receding rather than the "ocean" advancing. The brain in this receded state is apparently unable to carry on normal brain functions, and this – researchers claim – is one reason we go to sleep.
So fundamentally, sleep is good for us, good for our brains, and it may stand in the way of our developing debilitating dementia. Therefore, it is important to get enough sleep. This may seem simple enough, but once again research points out that how much shut-eye you might need is very idiosyncratic and not only varies from person-to-person but also within the same person's life, depending on what s/he is doing.
People of old used to sleep twice in a night and even referred to it as "first sleep/second sleep". They would doze off in the evening and then wake up in the middle of the night and actually DO things like visit friends or go to church.
While your friends might not appreciate you cheerily popping in with a bottle of wine at 1 AM, clearly we do need to change our whole attitude towards sleeping.
Do you wake up in the middle of the night and find it hard to go back to sleep again? Not to worry! You should go ahead and get up. Do something, like bake cookies or wash the car. When you feel tired again, you should return to bed and go back to sleep.
Do you feel guilty about taking that nap in the afternoon? Don't! That nap is helping to wash your brain clear of dangerous toxins that may give you a debilitating memory disease. In fact, you should take more naps! Why not have one in the morning AND one in the afternoon. You could call your "first sleep" in the evening a nap too, and your "second sleep" later another nap. Actually, you could call them all "cat naps".
Did you ever see a cat with Alzheimer's?
I rest my case.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Japanese Police "Crack Down" on Gangs Again!
As a hard-hitting news hound, I have reported here before about the National Police Agency (NPA Japan) and its battle with organized crime, the Yakuza (Japanese mafia). As I discovered, part of the NPA's serious effort has been to actively compete with the gangs for revenue as a way of reducing the flow of money into the coffers of the "bad guys".
With the 2020 Olympics scheduled to take place in Tokyo, organized crime is seeing a growth of opportunities for increasing its income. There are enormous construction projects to be parceled out, workers to be hired, sex workers to be enrolled and heaps of money to be made in shakedowns, extortion, kickbacks and out-and-out bribes.
Clearly the NPA cannot let all this go unchallenged and has to take a stand against organized crime by taking over many of these "businesses" for themselves.
No, I am not making this up.
I usually spend most of my time yucking it up in these posts, but sometimes it is important to probe and investigate – as the hard-hitting news hound that I am – to get to the bottom of the story and expose the behind-the-scenes information that I know you readers have come to depend on from me.
Once again, I arranged an interview with Assistant Vice-Director of Vice Control Lieutenant Wairo at the NPA.
Lt. Wairo (still dressed in his distinctive style): Oh, it's you again. Didn't you come and interview me a couple of years ago?
P: Yes, I did. We talked about the NPA's competition with organized crime for money from illegal businesses.
Lt. Wairo: Oh, right! I remember now. What can I do for you today?
P: Recently, I read that the NPA is once again trying to force the Yakuza to the sidelines by directly competing for positions in construction companies that will be building Olympic venues for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.
Lt. Wairo: Yes? And?
P: Well, I was hoping you could explain why the NPA is essentially moving to take over Yakuza activities that normally would be suppressed by many police agencies.
Lt. Wairo (sighing elaborately and stubbing his non-filter cigarette out abruptly) : I explained all this the last time you came here, but the Olympic decision definitely puts a new spin on things. Here in the NPA we have a lot of old-timers – basically, your baby-boomers (he looks at me meaningfully) – who are retiring in droves. Traditionally we have found post-retirement positions for them as advisers in the highway-sign companies and illegal gambling industry, but even though we are trying hard to increase signage and pushing for allowing casinos to operate, we still do not have enough openings for these retirees. The construction boom that is sure to take place here in Tokyo is obviously a good place for us to start.
P: Yes, you do need to find positions for these people, don't you.
Lt. Wairo: Exactly! And what better way to do it than to push the gangsters out at the same time! It's a win-win situation! Our retirees get their post-retirement positions that assure well-deserved comfort in their golden years, AND (he thumps his desk with his fist) we edge out the bad guys who would otherwise be in these positions, funneling money into organized crime!
P: Yes. Why let the gangsters get the bribes and kickbacks for deciding which companies get projects when your retirees can receive these funds!
Lt. Wairo (beaming): Indeed! And here I thought you were not so bright!
Our efforts to take over these anti-social activities from people we really don't want in our communities should receive a major boost from the Olympics. Even the other businesses we talked about when you came last time should be thriving with the influx of tourists from around the world!
P: You mean the sex industry and gambling?
Lt. Wairo: Ha ha! You foreigners are so direct. We don't call it the "sex industry"; you make it sound so sleazy. What could be more beneficial to an Olympic tourist after a hard day of cheering on his country's teams than to relax in one of our managed soapland spas? Or they could head out for some excitement at one of the new casinos we hope to have in place by then?
P: Of course! And they could go to all these places without worrying that they were contributing to the advancement of organized crime.
Lt. Wairo: I am pleased that you see it that way!
Hey, before you go... I hear that you were a professor of English language. Is that correct?
P: Er.... yes?
Lt. Wairo (pulling a poster, advertising a soapland "spa" out of his desk): Well, with the Olympics coming, all of these ads and posters will have to be translated into English, so I was wondering if you could do us a favor and translate them for us? You can start with this one. We would be happy to pay you for your time, and (winking) you could go to the soapland yourself to do some "research". Of course your visit would be "on the house"! (he laughs suggestively)
P: Oh... well, I would love to of course, but actually I'm pretty busy these days. I am sure you have people in the police department who can handle the translation. Why not get one of the guys who translates your highway signs* to do it?
Lt. Wairo: OK, good idea, but if you change your mind, don't hesitate to contact me again!
P: Thank you, and thank you for your time.
Lt. Wairo: We here at the National Police Agency are always delighted to talk to members of the international press.
- - - - - - - - - -
* A better translation would be "Motor Vehicles Only". One sign costs ¥25,000,000 or about USD$250,000! There are probably hundreds of these signs around the country.
With the 2020 Olympics scheduled to take place in Tokyo, organized crime is seeing a growth of opportunities for increasing its income. There are enormous construction projects to be parceled out, workers to be hired, sex workers to be enrolled and heaps of money to be made in shakedowns, extortion, kickbacks and out-and-out bribes.
Clearly the NPA cannot let all this go unchallenged and has to take a stand against organized crime by taking over many of these "businesses" for themselves.
No, I am not making this up.
I usually spend most of my time yucking it up in these posts, but sometimes it is important to probe and investigate – as the hard-hitting news hound that I am – to get to the bottom of the story and expose the behind-the-scenes information that I know you readers have come to depend on from me.
Once again, I arranged an interview with Assistant Vice-Director of Vice Control Lieutenant Wairo at the NPA.
Lt. Wairo (still dressed in his distinctive style): Oh, it's you again. Didn't you come and interview me a couple of years ago?
P: Yes, I did. We talked about the NPA's competition with organized crime for money from illegal businesses.
Lt. Wairo: Oh, right! I remember now. What can I do for you today?
P: Recently, I read that the NPA is once again trying to force the Yakuza to the sidelines by directly competing for positions in construction companies that will be building Olympic venues for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.
Lt. Wairo: Yes? And?
P: Well, I was hoping you could explain why the NPA is essentially moving to take over Yakuza activities that normally would be suppressed by many police agencies.
Lt. Wairo (sighing elaborately and stubbing his non-filter cigarette out abruptly) : I explained all this the last time you came here, but the Olympic decision definitely puts a new spin on things. Here in the NPA we have a lot of old-timers – basically, your baby-boomers (he looks at me meaningfully) – who are retiring in droves. Traditionally we have found post-retirement positions for them as advisers in the highway-sign companies and illegal gambling industry, but even though we are trying hard to increase signage and pushing for allowing casinos to operate, we still do not have enough openings for these retirees. The construction boom that is sure to take place here in Tokyo is obviously a good place for us to start.
P: Yes, you do need to find positions for these people, don't you.
Lt. Wairo: Exactly! And what better way to do it than to push the gangsters out at the same time! It's a win-win situation! Our retirees get their post-retirement positions that assure well-deserved comfort in their golden years, AND (he thumps his desk with his fist) we edge out the bad guys who would otherwise be in these positions, funneling money into organized crime!
P: Yes. Why let the gangsters get the bribes and kickbacks for deciding which companies get projects when your retirees can receive these funds!
Lt. Wairo (beaming): Indeed! And here I thought you were not so bright!
Our efforts to take over these anti-social activities from people we really don't want in our communities should receive a major boost from the Olympics. Even the other businesses we talked about when you came last time should be thriving with the influx of tourists from around the world!
P: You mean the sex industry and gambling?
Lt. Wairo: Ha ha! You foreigners are so direct. We don't call it the "sex industry"; you make it sound so sleazy. What could be more beneficial to an Olympic tourist after a hard day of cheering on his country's teams than to relax in one of our managed soapland spas? Or they could head out for some excitement at one of the new casinos we hope to have in place by then?
P: Of course! And they could go to all these places without worrying that they were contributing to the advancement of organized crime.
Lt. Wairo: I am pleased that you see it that way!
Hey, before you go... I hear that you were a professor of English language. Is that correct?
P: Er.... yes?
Lt. Wairo (pulling a poster, advertising a soapland "spa" out of his desk): Well, with the Olympics coming, all of these ads and posters will have to be translated into English, so I was wondering if you could do us a favor and translate them for us? You can start with this one. We would be happy to pay you for your time, and (winking) you could go to the soapland yourself to do some "research". Of course your visit would be "on the house"! (he laughs suggestively)
P: Oh... well, I would love to of course, but actually I'm pretty busy these days. I am sure you have people in the police department who can handle the translation. Why not get one of the guys who translates your highway signs* to do it?
Lt. Wairo: OK, good idea, but if you change your mind, don't hesitate to contact me again!
P: Thank you, and thank you for your time.
Lt. Wairo: We here at the National Police Agency are always delighted to talk to members of the international press.
- - - - - - - - - -
* A better translation would be "Motor Vehicles Only". One sign costs ¥25,000,000 or about USD$250,000! There are probably hundreds of these signs around the country.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Pot Head? It's Good for You Now!
There is this one cookie
that you can buy at Trader Joe's that is utterly addictive. They are so
thin and crispy, PLUS they are made of very simple and "good"
ingredients: wheat flour, sugar, butter, almonds, salt and sodium
bicarbonate. I am eating them right now. It's hard to stop.
But that is not what I wanted to write about today.
As many of you know, Washington State along with Colorado passed new laws that make private possession of marijuana legal. This has been a controversial issue around the country, but now that the law has changed here in Washington, I have not read any articles, claiming that there are down-sides to the new legal status of pot.
(These cookies are really outstanding!)
As most of you have read, smoking marijuana has well-documented effects on its users. They tend to be calmed and maybe a little lazy. Their senses are heightened, I hear, and they develop a strong interest in eating. This is called "the munchies". People who have smoked weed claim that music becomes more interesting, and many also assert that their conversations end up more stimulating as well. Articles about this have appeared periodically over the years.
When we were in college, however, none of these "features" was regarded as a particularly good thing in society, unless you were selling tortilla chips and salsa, in which case the increased sales might have been a positive development.
(Wow... half the package already?! I better put them away to save them for another time!)
Recent research, however, is starting to show that the active ingredient in weed may actually promote the growth of neurons in the brain! Drinking wine or other alcoholic beverages is well-known to inhibit neuron growth, and in fact, we often talk about how drinking can "kill off your grey cells". It's clearly not good for you at all.
In addition, just getting older might be responsible for neuron reduction which contributes to us older folk having what we laughingly call "senior moments".
Ha ha!
(OK... just ONE more cookie! I will go for a walk later and "burn them off"!)
So just imagine the health benefits of avoiding that "two-martini lunch" and instead having a couple of tokes of weed! Or at the end of a hard day, instead of kicking back with that six-pack of beer which will definitely render you stupid, you could "top up" your neurons with a few hits off that old bong you have lying around nostalgically from your college days.
(OMG, I finished the whole box! I will take my walk over to Trader Joe's later!)
While it is only Washington State and Colorado which have these liberalized laws about marijuana so far, once the positive brain effects become better known, we can expect legal changes to sweep the nation!
Everyone will be smoking weed and maybe our nation's SAT scores (which have remained stagnant) will start to rise again. Perhaps even the Republicans in Congress will sharpen up and figure out a way to conduct the nation's business without lurching from crisis to crisis. The lurching is clearly being caused by booze! They need to stop inhibiting their neurons and instead start working on increasing them.
(Trader Joe's 72% Dark Chocolate from Belgium is also really good. Luckily I have a couple of bars right here! They melt in your mouth so sensuously! Yum!)
Oh! And while I am talking about chocolate, did you know that chocolate is good for you? Yes, it is! This means that eating chocolate (as I am right now) is a healthful activity! We can call it Choco-Therapy.
What was I talking about before?
Oh! Right... the benefits to the brain of weed.
I would like to continue writing about that, but I need to head out to Trader Joe's to get more cookies, and – actually – some chips and salsa sound pretty good too!
But that is not what I wanted to write about today.
As many of you know, Washington State along with Colorado passed new laws that make private possession of marijuana legal. This has been a controversial issue around the country, but now that the law has changed here in Washington, I have not read any articles, claiming that there are down-sides to the new legal status of pot.
(These cookies are really outstanding!)
As most of you have read, smoking marijuana has well-documented effects on its users. They tend to be calmed and maybe a little lazy. Their senses are heightened, I hear, and they develop a strong interest in eating. This is called "the munchies". People who have smoked weed claim that music becomes more interesting, and many also assert that their conversations end up more stimulating as well. Articles about this have appeared periodically over the years.
When we were in college, however, none of these "features" was regarded as a particularly good thing in society, unless you were selling tortilla chips and salsa, in which case the increased sales might have been a positive development.
(Wow... half the package already?! I better put them away to save them for another time!)
Recent research, however, is starting to show that the active ingredient in weed may actually promote the growth of neurons in the brain! Drinking wine or other alcoholic beverages is well-known to inhibit neuron growth, and in fact, we often talk about how drinking can "kill off your grey cells". It's clearly not good for you at all.
In addition, just getting older might be responsible for neuron reduction which contributes to us older folk having what we laughingly call "senior moments".
Ha ha!
(OK... just ONE more cookie! I will go for a walk later and "burn them off"!)
So just imagine the health benefits of avoiding that "two-martini lunch" and instead having a couple of tokes of weed! Or at the end of a hard day, instead of kicking back with that six-pack of beer which will definitely render you stupid, you could "top up" your neurons with a few hits off that old bong you have lying around nostalgically from your college days.
(OMG, I finished the whole box! I will take my walk over to Trader Joe's later!)
While it is only Washington State and Colorado which have these liberalized laws about marijuana so far, once the positive brain effects become better known, we can expect legal changes to sweep the nation!
Everyone will be smoking weed and maybe our nation's SAT scores (which have remained stagnant) will start to rise again. Perhaps even the Republicans in Congress will sharpen up and figure out a way to conduct the nation's business without lurching from crisis to crisis. The lurching is clearly being caused by booze! They need to stop inhibiting their neurons and instead start working on increasing them.
(Trader Joe's 72% Dark Chocolate from Belgium is also really good. Luckily I have a couple of bars right here! They melt in your mouth so sensuously! Yum!)
Oh! And while I am talking about chocolate, did you know that chocolate is good for you? Yes, it is! This means that eating chocolate (as I am right now) is a healthful activity! We can call it Choco-Therapy.
What was I talking about before?
Oh! Right... the benefits to the brain of weed.
I would like to continue writing about that, but I need to head out to Trader Joe's to get more cookies, and – actually – some chips and salsa sound pretty good too!
Monday, September 30, 2013
Tips for Nervous Flyers
If there is anything funnier than the silly tips I write from time to time, it's the pointers offered in seriousness by other writers.
Consider these from the Huffington Post travel columnists. Based on the recommendations of a psychiatrist, they present 10 tips for nervous flyers. Why 10 instead of – say – five or six? 10 is a nice, round number, and while some of the items overlap, nice, round numbers work better.
So let's get on with it! How can we nervous nellies make our flying experience less stressful?
1. Prepare yourself mentally
Here the nervous flyers are advised to think about whether they have the willingness to suffer the fear of flying in a tradeoff for the gain of – say – visiting grandma in Poughkeepsie. If the answer is yes, then they need to prepare for the flight mentally. Perhaps they could steel themselves for the event by image training. Hours before the flight, they could mentally picture themselves being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube and hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. That would be a great way to reduce fear, no?
2. Prepare to be distracted
This advice does not mean that you should happily anticipate the witty comments of the Southwest Airlines flight attendants. It means that you need to bring enough stuff with you to distract yourself from your thoughts of being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube, hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. You should "listen to music" or "do puzzles". Let's see.... 3 DOWN: 6-letter verb used for when a bird gets sucked into a jet engine.
3. Breathe
No, this is not as "duh" as it seems. Of course you should breathe! The psychiatrist's advice means that you need to practice "soothing breathing". With this you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It is very calming. And after the person sitting next to you requests a different seat, you will have more room and won't be so hemmed in. It's a good idea to practice this "soothing breathing" at home first, since doing it for 13 hours on that flight from New York to Tokyo might cause hyperventilation and result in your passing out. Which, come to think of it, could be a plus for the panicky flyer!
4. Use an app to focus on breathing
No, I didn't make this one up to be silly. And yes, it really is a part of #3 above, but they needed 10 points, so it was given its own space. Of course you are not allowed to "use an app" during the scariest part of the flight, taking off and landing, but never mind about that.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, sir! All electronic devices must be turned off and stowed during take off!
You: But this is my breathing app!
Passenger next to you: Excuse me, miss? Can I move to another seat, please?
5. Remember that panic will pass
True. When they divert the flight to Denver because you have passed out from your hyperventilation, your panic will pass once you are on the ground. The other passengers who are missing their connecting flights to their important engagements, however, might have a different feeling.
6. Find out what you're afraid of
Let me see. I am a panicky flyer. What could I possibly be afraid of? Hmm... how about that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board? Nah.... THAT couldn't be it.
7. Focus on the positive
OK. I am POSITIVE that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board.
8. Learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Let me guess, does this approach start with me buying a book? Maybe I can use this to distract me as in #2 above. Uh, no... three books. This technique involves "tapping" on your "energy meridians" to harness the power of acupuncture in stress relief. While this – along with the breathing – might get the person sitting next to you to change seats, thus giving you more room, as Wikipedia tartly puts it EFT "has not garnered significant support in clinical psychology". (Makes you wonder about the psychiatrist giving the advice for this column.)
9. Know when it's time to seek professional help
Flight Attendant: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, is there a psychiatrist on board today's flight? If so, please indicate where you are sitting by pushing the call button above your seat?
10. Read a book
Let me guess, does this recommendation involve me buying the psychiatrist's book? Yep... but we don't want to include it in "being prepared to be distracted" above, do we. Giving it its own number will definitely benefit sales.
Columns like this make me want to start my own advice column. How hard could it be? Anyone out there need sage advice about something?
Consider these from the Huffington Post travel columnists. Based on the recommendations of a psychiatrist, they present 10 tips for nervous flyers. Why 10 instead of – say – five or six? 10 is a nice, round number, and while some of the items overlap, nice, round numbers work better.
So let's get on with it! How can we nervous nellies make our flying experience less stressful?
1. Prepare yourself mentally
Here the nervous flyers are advised to think about whether they have the willingness to suffer the fear of flying in a tradeoff for the gain of – say – visiting grandma in Poughkeepsie. If the answer is yes, then they need to prepare for the flight mentally. Perhaps they could steel themselves for the event by image training. Hours before the flight, they could mentally picture themselves being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube and hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. That would be a great way to reduce fear, no?
2. Prepare to be distracted
This advice does not mean that you should happily anticipate the witty comments of the Southwest Airlines flight attendants. It means that you need to bring enough stuff with you to distract yourself from your thoughts of being strapped into a seat in an aluminum tube, hurtling through the air 10,000 meters above the ground. You should "listen to music" or "do puzzles". Let's see.... 3 DOWN: 6-letter verb used for when a bird gets sucked into a jet engine.
3. Breathe
No, this is not as "duh" as it seems. Of course you should breathe! The psychiatrist's advice means that you need to practice "soothing breathing". With this you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It is very calming. And after the person sitting next to you requests a different seat, you will have more room and won't be so hemmed in. It's a good idea to practice this "soothing breathing" at home first, since doing it for 13 hours on that flight from New York to Tokyo might cause hyperventilation and result in your passing out. Which, come to think of it, could be a plus for the panicky flyer!
4. Use an app to focus on breathing
No, I didn't make this one up to be silly. And yes, it really is a part of #3 above, but they needed 10 points, so it was given its own space. Of course you are not allowed to "use an app" during the scariest part of the flight, taking off and landing, but never mind about that.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, sir! All electronic devices must be turned off and stowed during take off!
You: But this is my breathing app!
Passenger next to you: Excuse me, miss? Can I move to another seat, please?
5. Remember that panic will pass
True. When they divert the flight to Denver because you have passed out from your hyperventilation, your panic will pass once you are on the ground. The other passengers who are missing their connecting flights to their important engagements, however, might have a different feeling.
6. Find out what you're afraid of
Let me see. I am a panicky flyer. What could I possibly be afraid of? Hmm... how about that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board? Nah.... THAT couldn't be it.
7. Focus on the positive
OK. I am POSITIVE that the aluminum tube that I am strapped into will enter an unrecoverable spin due to sudden and violent air turbulence and will plummet – for several long minutes – 10,000 meters to the ground, cratering out in a holocaust of fire and aluminum shrapnel, killing all on board.
8. Learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
Let me guess, does this approach start with me buying a book? Maybe I can use this to distract me as in #2 above. Uh, no... three books. This technique involves "tapping" on your "energy meridians" to harness the power of acupuncture in stress relief. While this – along with the breathing – might get the person sitting next to you to change seats, thus giving you more room, as Wikipedia tartly puts it EFT "has not garnered significant support in clinical psychology". (Makes you wonder about the psychiatrist giving the advice for this column.)
9. Know when it's time to seek professional help
Flight Attendant: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, is there a psychiatrist on board today's flight? If so, please indicate where you are sitting by pushing the call button above your seat?
10. Read a book
Let me guess, does this recommendation involve me buying the psychiatrist's book? Yep... but we don't want to include it in "being prepared to be distracted" above, do we. Giving it its own number will definitely benefit sales.
Columns like this make me want to start my own advice column. How hard could it be? Anyone out there need sage advice about something?
Monday, September 23, 2013
Checklist for Senility
I have written here on a number of occasions about issues that affect us seniors and how to make our "golden" years more meaningful. Important challenges such as how not to be dead stress us at every turn. But none plagues us more than the worry over losing our mental faculties. We have explored some of the techniques you can use to enhance your mental capabilities, but there always remains that nagging worry, "Am I losing it?"
Today I would once again like to address this topic of concern by laying out a diagnosis tool that you can use in the privacy of your own home to find out if your loved one is getting senile or not.
First of all, let's define our terms.
I find that there is nothing worse in self-help articles than when the author fails to define terms and leads the reader off into a wasteland of ill-conceived advice. I mean, when you are talking about intestinal bloating, wouldn't it be a good idea to know that standing near an open flame would not be a good idea? Hello?
Some authors are just irresponsible.
Anyway, the main definition we need to be concerned with here is for "mental faculties". The simplest way to think of this is to imagine your brain is like a university. As with most universities, it is divided up into different faculties. And like at university, each of these operates independent of each other, getting together periodically for usually boring but sometimes contentious meetings where Prof. F. goes on and on about his plans for the department that have already been dismissed as stupid and untenable ten years ago.
But I digress. And while I am digressing, did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
Getting that out of the way, we can now proceed to the test. Keep score on a piece of paper, so you can add up the results at the end of this article.
1. Does your loved one sometimes walk into a room and forget why he went there? 10 points
2. Is he over 60 and doing #1 above? 0 points
3. Is he under 60 and not drinking and doing #1 above? 10 points
4. Does he sometimes misplace items, putting the car keys into the cat bowls and the cat food into his pocket, for example? 10 points
5. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
6. Does he tell the same stories or jokes to the same people again and again. 10 points
7. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
8. Does he start a project and then get distracted half-way through and abandon it, causing it to fail? (I am thinking of something like baking a cake, not brain surgery.) 10 points
9. Oh! I almost forgot! Did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
10.
Today I would once again like to address this topic of concern by laying out a diagnosis tool that you can use in the privacy of your own home to find out if your loved one is getting senile or not.
First of all, let's define our terms.
I find that there is nothing worse in self-help articles than when the author fails to define terms and leads the reader off into a wasteland of ill-conceived advice. I mean, when you are talking about intestinal bloating, wouldn't it be a good idea to know that standing near an open flame would not be a good idea? Hello?
Some authors are just irresponsible.
Anyway, the main definition we need to be concerned with here is for "mental faculties". The simplest way to think of this is to imagine your brain is like a university. As with most universities, it is divided up into different faculties. And like at university, each of these operates independent of each other, getting together periodically for usually boring but sometimes contentious meetings where Prof. F. goes on and on about his plans for the department that have already been dismissed as stupid and untenable ten years ago.
But I digress. And while I am digressing, did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
Getting that out of the way, we can now proceed to the test. Keep score on a piece of paper, so you can add up the results at the end of this article.
1. Does your loved one sometimes walk into a room and forget why he went there? 10 points
2. Is he over 60 and doing #1 above? 0 points
3. Is he under 60 and not drinking and doing #1 above? 10 points
4. Does he sometimes misplace items, putting the car keys into the cat bowls and the cat food into his pocket, for example? 10 points
5. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
6. Does he tell the same stories or jokes to the same people again and again. 10 points
7. Does he repeat himself? 10 points
8. Does he start a project and then get distracted half-way through and abandon it, causing it to fail? (I am thinking of something like baking a cake, not brain surgery.) 10 points
9. Oh! I almost forgot! Did you read about that guy who was brewing beer in his stomach? No joke! Now THAT gives a whole new meaning to "beer belly"! Ha ha!
10.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Banging Blind
After a law was passed in Iowa in 2011 (why am I not surprised), allowing anyone to get a firearm permit on line, even blind people can now legally pack heat. A local sheriff has decided that as blind people are entitled to purchase firearms, they can learn to use them safely. He states, "People think that they are just going to shoot blindly, just start shooting at noises."
Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Right?
I mean, a blind person? "Just shooting blindly"? Why would people think that?
For his part, the blind man on the video states with confidence that he can "do whatever needs to be done, if the time ever came". He wants to protect himself and his wife from the... hmm... from "whatever" when "the time" comes.
How exactly is this going to work? Is his service dog going to call out the shots for him?
Scenario
Blind Man (waking suddenly and whispering): What's that noise? (He feels for his wife who is asleep in bed next to him; no way is HE going to do a Pistorius). Did you hear anything, Fido?
Dog: Woof!
BM: Do you see something, Fido? (He slips his Glock 20 with 15-round, high-capacity magazine and Storm Lake ported, stainless-steel barrel from under his pillow and flips off the safety)
Dog: Woof! Bark!
BM: Is it over there, Fido (Gestures to the left with his Glock held out professionally with two hands in front of him)?
Dog: Bark! Arf! Snarl!
BM: What is it, Fido? Did it move over that way? Shall I shoot?!!! (Waves gun back and forth menacingly)
Dog: Bark! Arf!! Bark!! SNARL! BARK!
BM: (squeezing trigger 10 times rapidly): TAKE THAT YOU VICIOUS HOME INVADER!
Did I hit him, Fido?
Did I?
Shall I shoot again?
. . . . . .
Fido? FIDO?!
It's a shame that so many people – sighted and now blind – think that owning a firearm will actually make them safer, enabling them to do "whatever needs to be done" when "the time comes". The time comes, but it's not the vicious rapist perpetrating a home invasion they shoot, but their daughter, sneaking in from a late date with her boyfriend.
Or the dog... if they're lucky.
Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Right?
I mean, a blind person? "Just shooting blindly"? Why would people think that?
For his part, the blind man on the video states with confidence that he can "do whatever needs to be done, if the time ever came". He wants to protect himself and his wife from the... hmm... from "whatever" when "the time" comes.
How exactly is this going to work? Is his service dog going to call out the shots for him?
Scenario
Blind Man (waking suddenly and whispering): What's that noise? (He feels for his wife who is asleep in bed next to him; no way is HE going to do a Pistorius). Did you hear anything, Fido?
Dog: Woof!
BM: Do you see something, Fido? (He slips his Glock 20 with 15-round, high-capacity magazine and Storm Lake ported, stainless-steel barrel from under his pillow and flips off the safety)
Dog: Woof! Bark!
BM: Is it over there, Fido (Gestures to the left with his Glock held out professionally with two hands in front of him)?
Dog: Bark! Arf! Snarl!
BM: What is it, Fido? Did it move over that way? Shall I shoot?!!! (Waves gun back and forth menacingly)
Dog: Bark! Arf!! Bark!! SNARL! BARK!
BM: (squeezing trigger 10 times rapidly): TAKE THAT YOU VICIOUS HOME INVADER!
Did I hit him, Fido?
Did I?
Shall I shoot again?
. . . . . .
Fido? FIDO?!
It's a shame that so many people – sighted and now blind – think that owning a firearm will actually make them safer, enabling them to do "whatever needs to be done" when "the time comes". The time comes, but it's not the vicious rapist perpetrating a home invasion they shoot, but their daughter, sneaking in from a late date with her boyfriend.
Or the dog... if they're lucky.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Brain Health Through Messiness
We guys pretty much understand that we are hard to live with. I have written about this before, trying to persuade the "fairer" sex that we men are worth keeping around, but it isn't easy.
We monopolize the remote control. We do all of our chores in a slovenly and ill-timed manner. We leave our clothes lying around. We forget to clean up after friends come over, leaving YOU to put all the wine bottles and beer cans in the recycling bin, and I don't even want to talk about the crumbs and bits of pizza that end up soiling the carpet and falling down behind the cushion in the sofa (I swear that was not MY piece of pizza!).
Let's face it. Men are slobs.
Which brings me to my point, a delicate issue. First of all, I am really not trying to defend our behavior as such. Rather, I would like to make a point that maybe women could consider... you know... think about.
I stumbled upon this information recently about Alzheimer's. Apparently people who live in clean and hygienic places suffer from this disease more than those who do not live in such germ-free environments. The lack of exposure to infectious agents, dirt and grit seems to have some connection to the later development of this debilitating mental disease.
Another interesting feature of this incapacitation is that women get it more than men. There are a lot of theories about why they do, but the fact of it is undeniable.
I think that the "theorists" may be missing a key component in the difference of lifestyle between women and guys that may be hiding the real culprit behind the increased risk. It seems entirely possible to me that women, being neat and tidy and generally preferring to clean up everything right away might be sowing the seeds of their own later problems.
We guys live like pigs (sorry pigs), and this lack of interest in basic hygiene may actually protect us from the onset of this form of dementia. When we forget to wash our hands after changing the oil in the lawn mower or – shudder – going to the toilet, we may actually be promoting better brain health.
So what I am trying to suggest, women, is that maybe you guys could lighten up about the cleanliness around the house a little and not only benefit from the possibility of better brain health in later years but also get along with us guys better.
We monopolize the remote control. We do all of our chores in a slovenly and ill-timed manner. We leave our clothes lying around. We forget to clean up after friends come over, leaving YOU to put all the wine bottles and beer cans in the recycling bin, and I don't even want to talk about the crumbs and bits of pizza that end up soiling the carpet and falling down behind the cushion in the sofa (I swear that was not MY piece of pizza!).
Let's face it. Men are slobs.
Which brings me to my point, a delicate issue. First of all, I am really not trying to defend our behavior as such. Rather, I would like to make a point that maybe women could consider... you know... think about.
I stumbled upon this information recently about Alzheimer's. Apparently people who live in clean and hygienic places suffer from this disease more than those who do not live in such germ-free environments. The lack of exposure to infectious agents, dirt and grit seems to have some connection to the later development of this debilitating mental disease.
Another interesting feature of this incapacitation is that women get it more than men. There are a lot of theories about why they do, but the fact of it is undeniable.
I think that the "theorists" may be missing a key component in the difference of lifestyle between women and guys that may be hiding the real culprit behind the increased risk. It seems entirely possible to me that women, being neat and tidy and generally preferring to clean up everything right away might be sowing the seeds of their own later problems.
We guys live like pigs (sorry pigs), and this lack of interest in basic hygiene may actually protect us from the onset of this form of dementia. When we forget to wash our hands after changing the oil in the lawn mower or – shudder – going to the toilet, we may actually be promoting better brain health.
So what I am trying to suggest, women, is that maybe you guys could lighten up about the cleanliness around the house a little and not only benefit from the possibility of better brain health in later years but also get along with us guys better.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Political Poo Hacking
Just when you thought you were safe going to the toilet, this information appears on the Internet. Hackers can control your toilet!
As I have mentioned in these posts before (here and here), the Japanese are more advanced when it comes to toilets than any other nation on this third rock from the Sun. I am not kidding. Now it seems that the toilets are somehow hooked into the Internet and can be controlled from your smart phone.
This makes a lot of sense when you have rushed out of your house, having completed your morning... er... ablutions... but suddenly you remember, "OMG! I forgot to flush! My wife will be traumatized and we will have another big therapy bill next month!" Something needs to be done. You find the right app on your iPhone, dial up (why do we still say "dial") and tell your toilet to go ahead and flush.
It flushes obediently.
As harmless as this seems, we really do have to consider the implications. As many of you alert readers will recall, Japan's Prime Minister Abe Shinzo was also Prime Minister several years ago, but had some problems with fulfilling his duties. No, it wasn't the usual foot-in-mouth thing that Japanese politicians do, saying things like "there was no rape of Nanjing" or "Japan never invaded anyone" or "the nuclear bombs were dropped for no reason at all", etc. etc.
In this case, poor Prime Minister Abe had to quit because he suffered from a "crippling case of diarrhea". I know that many of you out there think I have my head in the potty and have a limited sense of humor that barely hangs on with "poopy" jokes and scatology, but I want you to know that in this case, I am not making anything up.
First, a little background on Japanese toilets. People in the US and Europe have no idea about how sophisticated Japanese toilets are. Even the average toilet will rinse you off and dry you. You can adjust the water pressure so that the spray... um... cleans deeper than a superficial rinse.
Which brings me to my point.
Abe really did quit because of a terrible diarrhea. It's unprecedented in the modern world.
How did this happen? Perhaps his toilet was hacked by a foreign power!
Scenario
Prime Minister's Assistant (outside the toilet with his ear to the door): Mr. Abe, is everything OK in there? I heard a terrible high-pressure water sound!
PM Abe: Gar! Argh.... OMG! OMG! Omg omg omg omg omg.... holy crap.... what the f*#k?!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister! Are you OK in there? Open the door!!
PM Abe: I cannot open the door right now... the toilet is... ARGH!!! OMG!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister!! Let me in! I can help you. Um... you DO remember that you have to give that important speech in 10 minutes before the Diet, right? We need to get you ready... the makeup for the TV cameras and all...
PM Abe (breathing heavily): Oh... oh... this is the worst.... omg... omg... it was like a fire hose... my whole abdomen swelled up to the size of this room... oh... my clothes... omg omg...
Assistant: I will bring you a new suit... don't go away! I will be right back.... (runs off)
PM Abe: suit... how about my socks and shoes and hair and... omg.... I have been cleansed... argh... no wait... there is still more... (loud splashing sound)....
Assistant: Open up! I brought the clean suit!
PM Abe: Please announce my resignation... I can't go on like this....my legs... omg... I have never seen anything like this before....
And in this way, a certain foreign power which discovered how to hack his toilet managed to postpone his conservative and "unfriendly" agenda for another five years.
You can be sure his toilets have security protection now!
He is Prime Minister again... what toilets might they hack next?
As I have mentioned in these posts before (here and here), the Japanese are more advanced when it comes to toilets than any other nation on this third rock from the Sun. I am not kidding. Now it seems that the toilets are somehow hooked into the Internet and can be controlled from your smart phone.
This makes a lot of sense when you have rushed out of your house, having completed your morning... er... ablutions... but suddenly you remember, "OMG! I forgot to flush! My wife will be traumatized and we will have another big therapy bill next month!" Something needs to be done. You find the right app on your iPhone, dial up (why do we still say "dial") and tell your toilet to go ahead and flush.
It flushes obediently.
As harmless as this seems, we really do have to consider the implications. As many of you alert readers will recall, Japan's Prime Minister Abe Shinzo was also Prime Minister several years ago, but had some problems with fulfilling his duties. No, it wasn't the usual foot-in-mouth thing that Japanese politicians do, saying things like "there was no rape of Nanjing" or "Japan never invaded anyone" or "the nuclear bombs were dropped for no reason at all", etc. etc.
In this case, poor Prime Minister Abe had to quit because he suffered from a "crippling case of diarrhea". I know that many of you out there think I have my head in the potty and have a limited sense of humor that barely hangs on with "poopy" jokes and scatology, but I want you to know that in this case, I am not making anything up.
First, a little background on Japanese toilets. People in the US and Europe have no idea about how sophisticated Japanese toilets are. Even the average toilet will rinse you off and dry you. You can adjust the water pressure so that the spray... um... cleans deeper than a superficial rinse.
Which brings me to my point.
Abe really did quit because of a terrible diarrhea. It's unprecedented in the modern world.
How did this happen? Perhaps his toilet was hacked by a foreign power!
Scenario
Prime Minister's Assistant (outside the toilet with his ear to the door): Mr. Abe, is everything OK in there? I heard a terrible high-pressure water sound!
PM Abe: Gar! Argh.... OMG! OMG! Omg omg omg omg omg.... holy crap.... what the f*#k?!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister! Are you OK in there? Open the door!!
PM Abe: I cannot open the door right now... the toilet is... ARGH!!! OMG!!
Assistant: Mr. Prime Minister!! Let me in! I can help you. Um... you DO remember that you have to give that important speech in 10 minutes before the Diet, right? We need to get you ready... the makeup for the TV cameras and all...
PM Abe (breathing heavily): Oh... oh... this is the worst.... omg... omg... it was like a fire hose... my whole abdomen swelled up to the size of this room... oh... my clothes... omg omg...
Assistant: I will bring you a new suit... don't go away! I will be right back.... (runs off)
PM Abe: suit... how about my socks and shoes and hair and... omg.... I have been cleansed... argh... no wait... there is still more... (loud splashing sound)....
Assistant: Open up! I brought the clean suit!
PM Abe: Please announce my resignation... I can't go on like this....my legs... omg... I have never seen anything like this before....
And in this way, a certain foreign power which discovered how to hack his toilet managed to postpone his conservative and "unfriendly" agenda for another five years.
You can be sure his toilets have security protection now!
He is Prime Minister again... what toilets might they hack next?
Monday, August 26, 2013
11 ways to know if you are an asshole
It is such a cliché that web posts put up a certain number of items and list them in their title.
23 signs that you are an introvert...
hello? 23? Why not 20 or 25?
It makes me think of the Japanese pre-exercise warmup routine. It involves an 8-count. 1-2-3-4 (change sides) 5-6-7-8.
I have asked them about it, "Why do you do an 8-count? Is there some reason why this is more effective than—say—a 10-count or a 20-count?"
They look at me as if I am suffering from some social disease and move to the other side of the field and continue... 1-2-3-4 (change sides) 5-6-7-8.
But the numbered approach has its appeal. You know in advance how long you need to pay attention and usually you can remember some of them, unless there are 23 things you need to remember.
11 is a reasonable number, and that brings me to today's topic: how to know if you are an asshole or not.
First of all, being an asshole is pretty much a guy thing. Let's face it. It's guys who are the assholes on this planet; we don't say that a woman is an asshole much.
So this is directed to you guys. We will do this in the ever popular point scoring method, so you do need to keep score and do addition.
Asshole detection 101
1. Do you own a gun? Give yourself 2 points.
2. Do you think the gun protects you and your family and/or values? Give yourself 5 points.
3. Do you think that many people at work are incompetent? Give yourself 2 points.
4. Do you think that if the incompetent people at work would only listen to you, things would be better? Give yourself 5 points.
5. Do you often say that so-n-so at work is a jerk? Give yourself 2 points.
6. Do you think that your lifestyle is totally cool? Give yourself 2 points.
7. Do you think that others should do what you do lifestyle-wise? Give yourself 5 points.
8. Do you believe in a religion? Give yourself 2 points.
9. Do you think others should also believe what you believe? Give yourself 5 points.
10. Do you talk about women with your buddies and make comments about their appearance? Give yourself 2 points.
11. Do you talk with your friends about how you have "scored" with women? Give yourself 5 points.
Tally your score.
0~10 You are not an asshole.
11~20 You really need to be careful
21~36 You are a full-blown asshole
12. Can you do the math? If not, you are not an asshole, but you might be stupid. Take a test to find out!
23 signs that you are an introvert...
hello? 23? Why not 20 or 25?
It makes me think of the Japanese pre-exercise warmup routine. It involves an 8-count. 1-2-3-4 (change sides) 5-6-7-8.
I have asked them about it, "Why do you do an 8-count? Is there some reason why this is more effective than—say—a 10-count or a 20-count?"
They look at me as if I am suffering from some social disease and move to the other side of the field and continue... 1-2-3-4 (change sides) 5-6-7-8.
But the numbered approach has its appeal. You know in advance how long you need to pay attention and usually you can remember some of them, unless there are 23 things you need to remember.
11 is a reasonable number, and that brings me to today's topic: how to know if you are an asshole or not.
First of all, being an asshole is pretty much a guy thing. Let's face it. It's guys who are the assholes on this planet; we don't say that a woman is an asshole much.
So this is directed to you guys. We will do this in the ever popular point scoring method, so you do need to keep score and do addition.
Asshole detection 101
1. Do you own a gun? Give yourself 2 points.
2. Do you think the gun protects you and your family and/or values? Give yourself 5 points.
3. Do you think that many people at work are incompetent? Give yourself 2 points.
4. Do you think that if the incompetent people at work would only listen to you, things would be better? Give yourself 5 points.
5. Do you often say that so-n-so at work is a jerk? Give yourself 2 points.
6. Do you think that your lifestyle is totally cool? Give yourself 2 points.
7. Do you think that others should do what you do lifestyle-wise? Give yourself 5 points.
8. Do you believe in a religion? Give yourself 2 points.
9. Do you think others should also believe what you believe? Give yourself 5 points.
10. Do you talk about women with your buddies and make comments about their appearance? Give yourself 2 points.
11. Do you talk with your friends about how you have "scored" with women? Give yourself 5 points.
Tally your score.
0~10 You are not an asshole.
11~20 You really need to be careful
21~36 You are a full-blown asshole
12. Can you do the math? If not, you are not an asshole, but you might be stupid. Take a test to find out!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
In the Wilderness
I was in the wilderness of Maine, drinking too much champagne this past Monday (relative was getting married), and there was no internet or even phone service out there, so I am using that as an excuse for spacing the column.
:-)
:-)
Monday, July 22, 2013
How to Be a Better You
We all have bad habits.
Let's face it. And we often don't even know that we are doing them. Some bad habits might creep in under the radar. I certainly don't know what my bad habits are, do you?
Don't be snarky, I am asking you if you know what YOUR bad habits are.
Of course not.
It's part of the human experience that we are unaware of what our own bad habits might be and how they drive the people around us crazy, so that they want to beat us to death with the fireplace poker.
We have no fireplace pokers in our house.
On purpose.
The first step in dealing with this problem is identifying what horrid habits you have and how they are making those close to you start looking for the poker. I did some research about this (saving you the trouble, since I know you are busy and have a life etc. etc.) and found these pressing behaviors that drive others crazy. The list is long, so I have selected 3 of the prominent ones to provide advice about.
Popular Bad Habits (find the complete list here):
1. Picking your nose or some other body part.
This one is hard to be attentive to. Your hand just creeps up there and goes for that little thing in that one nostril and the next thing you know you have three fingers in there doing a boogerotomy.
Nobody likes to see this.
The psychiatric advice is to replace this repulsive activity with some other actions that are more socially admissible. If you are a dog, this is where you hump the couch leg rather than the leg of your mother-in-law who happens to come over for dinner. It's called "displacement" in the psychological world.
Since handcuffing your offending hand to the chair is impractical, you need to find another way to "displace" the disgusting pastime. This requires a conscious commitment to engaging the offending fingers in some other activity.
What other things could you ask your hand to do?
a) Straighten your tie. This requires you actually wear a tie, so it might not work for some people (like me), but for the average professional it might be a good solution.
b) Hold your chin thoughtfully. This can work for anyone, and makes you look pensive and intelligent. Don't go too far with this and do a "face palm" as that could convey the wrong message.
2. Passing gas
It's simply too facile to say you should stop eating beans or not swallow your food whole as a way of solving this problem. The gas just seems to want to squeak out on its on—usually during an important meeting with your boss or when you are trying to impress a date.
Unfortunately there is no "displacement" activity that your ... er... posterior can do to take the place of the unfortunate "fracking" going on down there, so other steps need to be considered.
a) Sit near someone older than you. This way when you release your fumes, others in the room will probably blame the "old fart" next to you. You can encourage this by side-glancing at him quickly and sort of edging your chair away slightly.
b) Comment on it, so that it is clear you didn't "deal it". Don't be too obvious with "fart comments" but say something general like "What IS that smell? Are they emptying the dumpsters or something out there?"
3. Taking forever to get to the point in a conversation
We all have met those with this unfortunate condition, people who blather on and on. He usually catches you with some "hook" of an opening line like "Oh, Fred! I wanted to say something about your vacation plans to Maui." And then he will talk about his trip to Oahu and how the towels in the hotel were really fluffy and nice and how they managed to "sneak" towels out for their snorkeling trip to Hanauma Bay where they got sunburned and his wife had to go to the hospital and get treated for it and then she had to stay in the room for the next couple of days, so he went out on his own and met this really cool "chick" and how they just "hit it off" and how they had lunch together in a really cute place right off Waikiki beach... blah, blah, blah." And meanwhile if they took an EEG of your brain at the moment, you would be a perfect candidate for organ donation.
The problem with this bad habit is that people who have it are congenitally incapable of KNOWING they have it. "Who me? What do you mean 'get to the point'? I was just giving Fred here some advice about his trip to Maui! Sheesh!"
So the only thing you can do is to develop strategies to deal with this sort of individual. Conventional tactics such as looking ostentatiously at your watch will not make the slightest impression, so you need to take drastic action.
a) Change the subject. Look intently at his face and say something like, "Hey, Ralph... I don't mean to interrupt, but have you had a doctor look at that unusual growth... that dark spot there on your cheek recently?" This is guaranteed to stop him dead in his tracks and give you the opportunity to escape.
b) Invoke "stand your ground" laws and shoot him in self-defense. Ha ha. Just kidding about this one, OK?
The list of bad habits is long, but the best professional advice is that you should not try to rectify more than one at a time. Try to outline your worst habits and start slowly to eliminate them and become a better you. Perhaps by the time you are on your deathbed, people will say "What a guy! He has absolutely no bad habits at all!" Of course being on your deathbed is a bad habit in itself, but maybe there are some tactics you can use to deal with that one too.
Let's face it. And we often don't even know that we are doing them. Some bad habits might creep in under the radar. I certainly don't know what my bad habits are, do you?
Don't be snarky, I am asking you if you know what YOUR bad habits are.
Of course not.
It's part of the human experience that we are unaware of what our own bad habits might be and how they drive the people around us crazy, so that they want to beat us to death with the fireplace poker.
We have no fireplace pokers in our house.
On purpose.
The first step in dealing with this problem is identifying what horrid habits you have and how they are making those close to you start looking for the poker. I did some research about this (saving you the trouble, since I know you are busy and have a life etc. etc.) and found these pressing behaviors that drive others crazy. The list is long, so I have selected 3 of the prominent ones to provide advice about.
Popular Bad Habits (find the complete list here):
1. Picking your nose or some other body part.
This one is hard to be attentive to. Your hand just creeps up there and goes for that little thing in that one nostril and the next thing you know you have three fingers in there doing a boogerotomy.
Nobody likes to see this.
The psychiatric advice is to replace this repulsive activity with some other actions that are more socially admissible. If you are a dog, this is where you hump the couch leg rather than the leg of your mother-in-law who happens to come over for dinner. It's called "displacement" in the psychological world.
Since handcuffing your offending hand to the chair is impractical, you need to find another way to "displace" the disgusting pastime. This requires a conscious commitment to engaging the offending fingers in some other activity.
What other things could you ask your hand to do?
a) Straighten your tie. This requires you actually wear a tie, so it might not work for some people (like me), but for the average professional it might be a good solution.
b) Hold your chin thoughtfully. This can work for anyone, and makes you look pensive and intelligent. Don't go too far with this and do a "face palm" as that could convey the wrong message.
2. Passing gas
It's simply too facile to say you should stop eating beans or not swallow your food whole as a way of solving this problem. The gas just seems to want to squeak out on its on—usually during an important meeting with your boss or when you are trying to impress a date.
Unfortunately there is no "displacement" activity that your ... er... posterior can do to take the place of the unfortunate "fracking" going on down there, so other steps need to be considered.
a) Sit near someone older than you. This way when you release your fumes, others in the room will probably blame the "old fart" next to you. You can encourage this by side-glancing at him quickly and sort of edging your chair away slightly.
b) Comment on it, so that it is clear you didn't "deal it". Don't be too obvious with "fart comments" but say something general like "What IS that smell? Are they emptying the dumpsters or something out there?"
3. Taking forever to get to the point in a conversation
We all have met those with this unfortunate condition, people who blather on and on. He usually catches you with some "hook" of an opening line like "Oh, Fred! I wanted to say something about your vacation plans to Maui." And then he will talk about his trip to Oahu and how the towels in the hotel were really fluffy and nice and how they managed to "sneak" towels out for their snorkeling trip to Hanauma Bay where they got sunburned and his wife had to go to the hospital and get treated for it and then she had to stay in the room for the next couple of days, so he went out on his own and met this really cool "chick" and how they just "hit it off" and how they had lunch together in a really cute place right off Waikiki beach... blah, blah, blah." And meanwhile if they took an EEG of your brain at the moment, you would be a perfect candidate for organ donation.
The problem with this bad habit is that people who have it are congenitally incapable of KNOWING they have it. "Who me? What do you mean 'get to the point'? I was just giving Fred here some advice about his trip to Maui! Sheesh!"
So the only thing you can do is to develop strategies to deal with this sort of individual. Conventional tactics such as looking ostentatiously at your watch will not make the slightest impression, so you need to take drastic action.
a) Change the subject. Look intently at his face and say something like, "Hey, Ralph... I don't mean to interrupt, but have you had a doctor look at that unusual growth... that dark spot there on your cheek recently?" This is guaranteed to stop him dead in his tracks and give you the opportunity to escape.
b) Invoke "stand your ground" laws and shoot him in self-defense. Ha ha. Just kidding about this one, OK?
The list of bad habits is long, but the best professional advice is that you should not try to rectify more than one at a time. Try to outline your worst habits and start slowly to eliminate them and become a better you. Perhaps by the time you are on your deathbed, people will say "What a guy! He has absolutely no bad habits at all!" Of course being on your deathbed is a bad habit in itself, but maybe there are some tactics you can use to deal with that one too.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Supermarket Sensitivities
Not so funny, but interesting?
In Japan, the shopping carts just barely hold a supermarket shopping basket.
In the US, the shopping carts are like trucks–children can even ride in them.
In Japan, EVERY cherry tomato (even in your salad) comes with a little bit of stem on top*.
In America, you cannot find cherry tomatoes in stores (or restaurants) with the stem tips.
In Japan, mayonnaise comes in a tube.
In America, it comes in a jar.
In Japan, condensed milk comes in a tube.
In the US, it comes in a can.
In Japan, most fruits and vegetables come in packaging (10 string beans in a pack) or at least with a piece of tape around them.
In the US, you help yourself to bins (sometimes very large) of them.
In Japan, rice, pasta, dried fruit, grains, cereals, etc. are sold in commercial packages.
In the US, you can also scoop them from bins–as little or as much as you like.
In Japan, if you ask a store employee where something is, s/he will take you there and show it to you.
In the US, they will say something like, "It's on aisle 5", or (happened yesterday) "Let me call and find out" (nobody answered the phone).
In Japan, the cashier says, "Please wait a moment (while the customer ahead is being checked through)", then "Welcome", then "Thank you and come again".
In the US, the cashier chats you up, "How's your day going?", or "What are your plans for the weekend?", or "Oh! I really like this product (in your bag) too! Did you know you can mix it with this other product we have?".
In Japan, the cashier takes the items out of your shopping basket, scans them, and puts them into another shopping basket which the customer carries to another counter to self-bag.
In the US, the customer puts the items on a conveyor belt and the cashier scans them and then bags them for you.
In Japan, the cashier will put a bag around the cat food or shampoo separately.
In the US, they bag the meat this way.
In Japan, the cashier swipes your credit card and enters the data.
In the US, the customer does it.
In Japan, they always give you your change on top of your receipt or the receipt alone.
In America, they often toss the receipt into your shopping bag.
In Japan, you cannot get cash in addition to your groceries when you pay with a card.
In the US, you can (no need to use an ATM, no ATM fees).
- - - - - - - - - -
* Why IS that?!
In Japan, the shopping carts just barely hold a supermarket shopping basket.
In the US, the shopping carts are like trucks–children can even ride in them.
In Japan, EVERY cherry tomato (even in your salad) comes with a little bit of stem on top*.
In America, you cannot find cherry tomatoes in stores (or restaurants) with the stem tips.
In Japan, mayonnaise comes in a tube.
In America, it comes in a jar.
In Japan, condensed milk comes in a tube.
In the US, it comes in a can.
In Japan, most fruits and vegetables come in packaging (10 string beans in a pack) or at least with a piece of tape around them.
In the US, you help yourself to bins (sometimes very large) of them.
In Japan, rice, pasta, dried fruit, grains, cereals, etc. are sold in commercial packages.
In the US, you can also scoop them from bins–as little or as much as you like.
In Japan, if you ask a store employee where something is, s/he will take you there and show it to you.
In the US, they will say something like, "It's on aisle 5", or (happened yesterday) "Let me call and find out" (nobody answered the phone).
In Japan, the cashier says, "Please wait a moment (while the customer ahead is being checked through)", then "Welcome", then "Thank you and come again".
In the US, the cashier chats you up, "How's your day going?", or "What are your plans for the weekend?", or "Oh! I really like this product (in your bag) too! Did you know you can mix it with this other product we have?".
In Japan, the cashier takes the items out of your shopping basket, scans them, and puts them into another shopping basket which the customer carries to another counter to self-bag.
In the US, the customer puts the items on a conveyor belt and the cashier scans them and then bags them for you.
In Japan, the cashier will put a bag around the cat food or shampoo separately.
In the US, they bag the meat this way.
In Japan, the cashier swipes your credit card and enters the data.
In the US, the customer does it.
In Japan, they always give you your change on top of your receipt or the receipt alone.
In America, they often toss the receipt into your shopping bag.
In Japan, you cannot get cash in addition to your groceries when you pay with a card.
In the US, you can (no need to use an ATM, no ATM fees).
- - - - - - - - - -
* Why IS that?!
Monday, July 8, 2013
Wheat-a-Belly
A lot of people in the US these days are talking about the threat of genetically engineered foods. Wheat, for example, is now said to be especially dangerous. A heart doctor, William Davis, has written a popular book entitled "Wheat Belly", making the claim that the wheat we eat today is nothing like the wheat our ancestors enjoyed and is responsible for the blossoming of belly blubber in the United States today. Specifically, the wheat developed over the past 50 years has more gluten in it. To help us understand the danger that this poses, we met with Professor Colin Graankleefstof, PhD of the International Baking Society (IBS) and asked him about what gluten actually is.
Pterosaurish: Thank you for meeting with us today, Professor.
CG: You are very welcome indeed.
Pterosaurish: So please tell us in laymen's terms, what actually IS gluten in wheat?
CG: It's a protein. It's necessary for making bread products rise. We have strong wheat and weak wheat flours; the former are what we use in making donuts, bread, and pizza... did I tell you I know how to make a really great pizza dough, using two different kinds of high gluten flour?
Pterosaurish: Um.... no... but what about the weak flours?
CG: OH! Yes! The weak flours... you would never make pizza with them. Do you know why?
Pterosaurish: Er... not really?
CG: Their gluten levels are too low, so the pizza wouldn't rise properly. No... we use these weak flours in making cakes and the like.
Pterosaurish: So what are the differences we are talking about here?
CG: Well, the pizza dough requires a high gluten flour, so I use a flour with 12.5% gluten. To make a cake I would use a flour with about 8% gluten.
Pterosaurish: I see. Well, thank you very much for this enlightening information about this dietary danger.
CG: It has been entirely my pleasure.
No question about it. If you look at many popular foods, wheat is a major ingredient. It's the number one ingredient in Cinnamon Toast Crunch (breakfast cereal) for example. Cosmic Brownies also contain wheat. Twinkies (soon to make a comeback in the American diet) contain this dangerous substance. And even popular Krispy Kreme donuts have — yes, you guessed it — wheat, as the main ingredient! And that is not all! Even Entenmann's Dark Chocolate Chunk Cookies and Pepperidge Farm Pretzel Goldfish are laced with this high-risk material! And every, single one of the 14 billion pizzas pumped out by the Pizza Hut chain (founded in 1958) last year was adulterated with wheat flour.
Who knew?!
Is it no wonder that Americans are getting fat? The good doctor is right! And not only fat, this viciously introduced "hybrid" wheat is responsible for "heart disease, diabetes, fatigue, acne, arthritis, IBS and even dementia"!
Dementia!
Some clearly deluded naysayers (maybe suffering from early on-set dementia?) make the spurious claim that baguettes (French bread) have been around for centuries and require a high gluten flour to make them, and nobody had "wheat belly" in Queen Antoinette's day (Her admonition, "Let them eat cake!" clearly showed her concern for the health of the masses, since cake contains less gluten than bread). But these naysayers don't have the anecdotal evidence that Dr. Davis has from patients to support their view.
What is next? What frightening steps will the food giants take to engineer their products to make them easier to grow and more profitable? Adding genes from migratory insects so that the wheat will migrate throughout the year, self-adjusting its sunlight and temperature for increased yields? Or engineer it with polar bear genes so it can be planted and grown throughout the winter in icy lands. Can adding squid genes to the wheat be far behind, setting the stage for underwater farming? It is a vast underutilized part of our planet after all!
It is critical that each and every one of us be aware of this grave danger and take immediate steps to correct our eating habits to avoid terrible health problems. I —for one— intend to
cut right back on the number of doughnuts I eat in the morning for breakfast. My health is too important to be left to the devices of unscrupulous companies like Krispy Kreme!
Pterosaurish: Thank you for meeting with us today, Professor.
CG: You are very welcome indeed.
Pterosaurish: So please tell us in laymen's terms, what actually IS gluten in wheat?
CG: It's a protein. It's necessary for making bread products rise. We have strong wheat and weak wheat flours; the former are what we use in making donuts, bread, and pizza... did I tell you I know how to make a really great pizza dough, using two different kinds of high gluten flour?
Pterosaurish: Um.... no... but what about the weak flours?
CG: OH! Yes! The weak flours... you would never make pizza with them. Do you know why?
Pterosaurish: Er... not really?
CG: Their gluten levels are too low, so the pizza wouldn't rise properly. No... we use these weak flours in making cakes and the like.
Pterosaurish: So what are the differences we are talking about here?
CG: Well, the pizza dough requires a high gluten flour, so I use a flour with 12.5% gluten. To make a cake I would use a flour with about 8% gluten.
Pterosaurish: I see. Well, thank you very much for this enlightening information about this dietary danger.
CG: It has been entirely my pleasure.
No question about it. If you look at many popular foods, wheat is a major ingredient. It's the number one ingredient in Cinnamon Toast Crunch (breakfast cereal) for example. Cosmic Brownies also contain wheat. Twinkies (soon to make a comeback in the American diet) contain this dangerous substance. And even popular Krispy Kreme donuts have — yes, you guessed it — wheat, as the main ingredient! And that is not all! Even Entenmann's Dark Chocolate Chunk Cookies and Pepperidge Farm Pretzel Goldfish are laced with this high-risk material! And every, single one of the 14 billion pizzas pumped out by the Pizza Hut chain (founded in 1958) last year was adulterated with wheat flour.
Who knew?!
Is it no wonder that Americans are getting fat? The good doctor is right! And not only fat, this viciously introduced "hybrid" wheat is responsible for "heart disease, diabetes, fatigue, acne, arthritis, IBS and even dementia"!
Dementia!
Some clearly deluded naysayers (maybe suffering from early on-set dementia?) make the spurious claim that baguettes (French bread) have been around for centuries and require a high gluten flour to make them, and nobody had "wheat belly" in Queen Antoinette's day (Her admonition, "Let them eat cake!" clearly showed her concern for the health of the masses, since cake contains less gluten than bread). But these naysayers don't have the anecdotal evidence that Dr. Davis has from patients to support their view.
What is next? What frightening steps will the food giants take to engineer their products to make them easier to grow and more profitable? Adding genes from migratory insects so that the wheat will migrate throughout the year, self-adjusting its sunlight and temperature for increased yields? Or engineer it with polar bear genes so it can be planted and grown throughout the winter in icy lands. Can adding squid genes to the wheat be far behind, setting the stage for underwater farming? It is a vast underutilized part of our planet after all!
It is critical that each and every one of us be aware of this grave danger and take immediate steps to correct our eating habits to avoid terrible health problems. I —for one— intend to
cut right back on the number of doughnuts I eat in the morning for breakfast. My health is too important to be left to the devices of unscrupulous companies like Krispy Kreme!
Monday, July 1, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
The Scientific Solution
It's not all fun and games here.
Often we have undertaken to solve some of the pressing problems of the day by force of sheer intellectual power. Remember the Senkaku Island dispute? Yep, we came up with an ingenious solution that – somehow – the parties involved are ignoring; there is no accounting for obstinate ignorance. Or how about solving some of our desperate energy predicaments? Yes indeedy! We have been right on top of that too with win-win solutions that save the day.
So to continue that serious intent and not just waste your time with more silliness, today we would like to discuss the problem of global warming that I am sure you have heard about.
First, scientists always tell you... well, actually a lot of other people also tell you – like my teachers in high school who hated me (but that's a different story) – that you need to "define your terms".
They say, "Before we can have a meaningful discussion about this topic, you need to "define your terms" so that we know we are talking about the same thing, on the same page, so to speak. Or they would write (like on one of my term papers that I spent all morning writing!), "You did not define your terms adequately, so your conclusions are nonsense! Attila the Hun being 'hungry' did not lead to the establishment of the country, Hungary."
So what are the terms we need to define in this case? Clearly "global" is one of them. Let's go ahead and define that right here.
global (adj.): referring to globe or globes (like duh?)
Clearly this definition is not adequate to "define our terms" in a way that would have been acceptable to – say – Prof. T in college who I hope has "gone on to his reward in heaven".
(Gone on to (someone's) reward in heaven (v): died)
So let's define "globe" next.
globe (n): a spherical or rounded object.
OK now we are getting somewhere.
Next we need to define "warming".
warming (n): experiencing increasing temperature
So bringing our defining of terms together, we can understand that "global warming" means that spherical or rounded objects are increasing in temperature!
That was easy, wasn't it. It makes you feel good when you do things in a scientific way, knowing that you are on your way to making iron-clad arguments.
(I don't know why the arguments are iron-clad, but if we define our terms, I am sure we can analyze it in a very scientific manner.)
The next step is to look at the terms as defined and try to figure out exactly why this poses a problem. Some spherical or rounded objects – basketballs, for example – can overinflate if they experience too much warming, so we should take steps to keep them in a cool place, maybe out of the sun.
Other spherical or rounded objects, such as cupcakes, will melt the icing you put on them if they are warm, so you should take them out of the oven and let them cool BEFORE you try to frost them.
Other spherical or rounded objects, such as marbles, do not seem to be affected by warming at all, so we cannot identify any specific problem that needs to be solved in a scientific way with them.
- - - - - excuse me, someone is telling me something....
Apparently, the spherical or rounded object in "global warming" that everyone is referring to is the Earth! Who could have guessed that? Someone out there is clearly not "defining terms" adequately and would also get an F from Prof. T.
So the whole Earth is warming. OK. This is not an insurmountable problem. We simply need to find an analogy in more local terms (think locally, act globally) to help us understand how we can deal with the larger problem.
We mentioned basketballs earlier. Hopefully you still remember that. What was the solution to the basketballs being overly warm and getting overinflated?
Yes, you are right. We need to keep them in a cool place out of the sun.
What can we do about the Earth getting overheated? Same thing! We need to keep it out of the sun.
What do you do when YOU want to keep out of the sun?
You go indoors.
OK, this is not an acceptable solution. What else do you do?
You carry an umbrella.
Now we are getting somewhere!
We need to make a big umbrella that can be launched into space to shield our planet from the sun's rays. This umbrella cannot shadow the Earth all the time, as we need some sun for growing crops, keeping our weather moving, and getting suntans to look good on the beach. But it could be put into an orbit that would shadow the earth – say – an hour or so a day during daylight hours, reducing the sun's heat hitting the earth by 10%. This would immediately have a cooling effect on our planet, and we could go on using fossil fuels and increasing global warming gases in the atmosphere with impunity. If it got warmer again, we could simply shoot up another bumbershoot.
I hope you have learned something about the scientific approach to problem solving today. There are too many people out there who simply refuse to recognize that science can provide answers to problems and instead rely on outdated techniques such as prayer or rain dances.
- - - - - - - - - -
I thought I was the first to come up with the umbrella solution, but apparently not. There are other deep thinkers out there who have also hit upon this same solution! Another idea they have is to paint large areas of the planet white (think Australia) to reflect the sun's rays and keep the planet cool.
Often we have undertaken to solve some of the pressing problems of the day by force of sheer intellectual power. Remember the Senkaku Island dispute? Yep, we came up with an ingenious solution that – somehow – the parties involved are ignoring; there is no accounting for obstinate ignorance. Or how about solving some of our desperate energy predicaments? Yes indeedy! We have been right on top of that too with win-win solutions that save the day.
So to continue that serious intent and not just waste your time with more silliness, today we would like to discuss the problem of global warming that I am sure you have heard about.
First, scientists always tell you... well, actually a lot of other people also tell you – like my teachers in high school who hated me (but that's a different story) – that you need to "define your terms".
They say, "Before we can have a meaningful discussion about this topic, you need to "define your terms" so that we know we are talking about the same thing, on the same page, so to speak. Or they would write (like on one of my term papers that I spent all morning writing!), "You did not define your terms adequately, so your conclusions are nonsense! Attila the Hun being 'hungry' did not lead to the establishment of the country, Hungary."
So what are the terms we need to define in this case? Clearly "global" is one of them. Let's go ahead and define that right here.
global (adj.): referring to globe or globes (like duh?)
Clearly this definition is not adequate to "define our terms" in a way that would have been acceptable to – say – Prof. T in college who I hope has "gone on to his reward in heaven".
(Gone on to (someone's) reward in heaven (v): died)
So let's define "globe" next.
globe (n): a spherical or rounded object.
OK now we are getting somewhere.
Next we need to define "warming".
warming (n): experiencing increasing temperature
So bringing our defining of terms together, we can understand that "global warming" means that spherical or rounded objects are increasing in temperature!
That was easy, wasn't it. It makes you feel good when you do things in a scientific way, knowing that you are on your way to making iron-clad arguments.
(I don't know why the arguments are iron-clad, but if we define our terms, I am sure we can analyze it in a very scientific manner.)
The next step is to look at the terms as defined and try to figure out exactly why this poses a problem. Some spherical or rounded objects – basketballs, for example – can overinflate if they experience too much warming, so we should take steps to keep them in a cool place, maybe out of the sun.
Other spherical or rounded objects, such as cupcakes, will melt the icing you put on them if they are warm, so you should take them out of the oven and let them cool BEFORE you try to frost them.
Other spherical or rounded objects, such as marbles, do not seem to be affected by warming at all, so we cannot identify any specific problem that needs to be solved in a scientific way with them.
- - - - - excuse me, someone is telling me something....
Apparently, the spherical or rounded object in "global warming" that everyone is referring to is the Earth! Who could have guessed that? Someone out there is clearly not "defining terms" adequately and would also get an F from Prof. T.
So the whole Earth is warming. OK. This is not an insurmountable problem. We simply need to find an analogy in more local terms (think locally, act globally) to help us understand how we can deal with the larger problem.
We mentioned basketballs earlier. Hopefully you still remember that. What was the solution to the basketballs being overly warm and getting overinflated?
Yes, you are right. We need to keep them in a cool place out of the sun.
What can we do about the Earth getting overheated? Same thing! We need to keep it out of the sun.
What do you do when YOU want to keep out of the sun?
You go indoors.
OK, this is not an acceptable solution. What else do you do?
You carry an umbrella.
Now we are getting somewhere!
We need to make a big umbrella that can be launched into space to shield our planet from the sun's rays. This umbrella cannot shadow the Earth all the time, as we need some sun for growing crops, keeping our weather moving, and getting suntans to look good on the beach. But it could be put into an orbit that would shadow the earth – say – an hour or so a day during daylight hours, reducing the sun's heat hitting the earth by 10%. This would immediately have a cooling effect on our planet, and we could go on using fossil fuels and increasing global warming gases in the atmosphere with impunity. If it got warmer again, we could simply shoot up another bumbershoot.
I hope you have learned something about the scientific approach to problem solving today. There are too many people out there who simply refuse to recognize that science can provide answers to problems and instead rely on outdated techniques such as prayer or rain dances.
- - - - - - - - - -
I thought I was the first to come up with the umbrella solution, but apparently not. There are other deep thinkers out there who have also hit upon this same solution! Another idea they have is to paint large areas of the planet white (think Australia) to reflect the sun's rays and keep the planet cool.
Monday, June 17, 2013
When a Cat Goes Wrong
Hello everyone and welcome to our show: Your Pet, Your Life.
We all do what we can to make sure our pets are happy and healthy. We pay for their medical check-ups and vaccinations. We buy the best food. We entertain them with toys and exercise. But despite our very best efforts, sometimes the pet diverges from the straight and narrow, goes rogue and becomes a delinquent pet.
Today we will explore these issues of pet psychology with our guest, well-known cat psychologist, Dr. Gato Pussi.
Pterosaurish: Welcome to the program Dr. Pussi. We are all interested in hearing what you have to say about how owners can best prevent their pets from developing serious psychological disorders.
Dr. Pussi: Thank you so much. Frankly, a lot of a pet's psychological well-being depends on its owners.
Let's start today by picking up a typical example of what can go wrong in an owner-pet relationship and how the pet can be disturbed for life by the experience.
Here is a case that was recently reported to my clinic by one of my interns.
A female cat — we will call her "P" to protect her identity — has been living in her owners' house now for 12 years. Found languishing under a shrine where she had been discarded by her first owners, she was brought into her new place at still a very early age, perhaps several months old. Her life, therefore, began in trauma, but — dutifully — her owners undertook to overcome the dysfunction of her early months by welcoming her and providing the stability and security that they thought she needed.
There were already two female cats in the house, so introducing a third was clearly establishing an uncertain balance. Groups of three are notoriously unstable among humans, so this seemingly small defect in P's new environment might have planted the seeds for her formative pathology.
This was probably the initial mistake.
The first symptoms of her disorder appeared the very first evening of her arrival. She immediately decided that the other two cats were totally unnecessary to a happy and fulfilling cat-human relationship and did her best to pester and attack the other two pets, hoping to make them move out. Only the timely intervention by the oldest cat prevented P from asserting a problematic dominance in the household. These periodic "interventions" notwithstanding, P continued over the years to test the limits. When the oldest cat died, the second cat — totally lacking in any aggressive genes — was exposed to P's relentless persecution.
The evolution of P's chronic condition continued.
Several stray kittens, for example, were found beside the road and brought into the house temporarily by the owners as they looked for new homes for them. P demonstrated her unhappiness with these invasive competitors by trying to kill them. The owners, perhaps blinded by their years with P, did not see this development as a new turn for the worse in P's behavior.
And soon, to replace the oldest cat who had died, a new kitten (male) was brought into the household. P's refusal to accept any additional challenge to her position in the house caused her to try to kill the new cat at every turn. So aggressive was her behavior that the two of them had to be separated completely. Neither was allowed out of a closed room while the other had run of the house.
The newcomer, for his part, admittedly provoked P and can be blamed for some of the "acting out" that became more prominent in P's relationship with him and with the house itself which she clawed to ribbons in her frustration. But it goes without saying that the groundwork for a full-blown psychosis had already been well established.
Unfortunately, the new cat was run over after only three years in the household, but this enabled P to return to a seemingly more stable period of psychological equilibrium. Her protectiveness of her territory and constant vigilance in surveiling her domain, however, should have revealed the growing Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that lay just beneath the surface of an outwardly calm demeanor.
On one occasion, for example, a stray kitten traversed the owners' lot when P was outside. It wasn't long before P brought the kitten — now dead — back to the house and dropped it triumphantly at the door, much to the shock and dismay of the owners.
Clearly their being in denial about the course their cat was taking was not contributing to the pet's rehabilitation or recovery.
As the years passed, P continued to exhibit adjustment "issues" most of which the owners attributed – falsely — to the trauma of having been abandoned as a kitten under the shrine by her first owners. Refusing to see that their own behavior in not setting rules and requiring P to follow them and also introducing a rival into the house, provoking her already well-developed pathology, the owners have to accept a lot of the blame for the problem.
When P would act-out or manifest symptoms of her underlying disorder, the owners would — perhaps jokingly — suggest loudly that P be returned to the shrine where she was found. Of course P could hear these comments, and this only contributed to an even greater sense of insecurity and tendencies towards OCD.
Pterosaurish: So what you are saying is that the owners themselves contributed to the problems that P was suffering from?
Dr. Pussi: Yes, there is no question about it. Though they were well-meaning and did all the things owners are supposed to do in raising a cat, certain of their actions undermined their well-intended behavior and caused P to suffer this psychological condition.
Pterosaurish: So what did you recommend for treatment?
Dr. Pussi: I first prescribed a regimen of drug therapy, involving powdered catnip, but P proved to be resistant to this remedy, so I had to go to the next level and prescribe "matatabi", a relative of the kiwifruit plant, which has a psychotropic effect on a cat's nervous system.
Pterosaurish: And was this successful?
Dr. Pussi: Yes, I am happy to say that this has provided some relief from the more aggressive symptoms of her disorder, but I am also recommending behavioral modification and counseling for the owners as a part of a complete rehabilitation program.
Pterosaurish: Well... we hope for the best for this poor kitty. Thank you so much for being with us today, Dr. Pussi. We look forward to having you back again to discuss other pet-owner problems and how they can be resolved.
Dr. Pussi: Thank you for having me; it's been my pleasure.
We all do what we can to make sure our pets are happy and healthy. We pay for their medical check-ups and vaccinations. We buy the best food. We entertain them with toys and exercise. But despite our very best efforts, sometimes the pet diverges from the straight and narrow, goes rogue and becomes a delinquent pet.
Today we will explore these issues of pet psychology with our guest, well-known cat psychologist, Dr. Gato Pussi.
Pterosaurish: Welcome to the program Dr. Pussi. We are all interested in hearing what you have to say about how owners can best prevent their pets from developing serious psychological disorders.
Dr. Pussi: Thank you so much. Frankly, a lot of a pet's psychological well-being depends on its owners.
Let's start today by picking up a typical example of what can go wrong in an owner-pet relationship and how the pet can be disturbed for life by the experience.
Here is a case that was recently reported to my clinic by one of my interns.
A female cat — we will call her "P" to protect her identity — has been living in her owners' house now for 12 years. Found languishing under a shrine where she had been discarded by her first owners, she was brought into her new place at still a very early age, perhaps several months old. Her life, therefore, began in trauma, but — dutifully — her owners undertook to overcome the dysfunction of her early months by welcoming her and providing the stability and security that they thought she needed.
There were already two female cats in the house, so introducing a third was clearly establishing an uncertain balance. Groups of three are notoriously unstable among humans, so this seemingly small defect in P's new environment might have planted the seeds for her formative pathology.
This was probably the initial mistake.
The first symptoms of her disorder appeared the very first evening of her arrival. She immediately decided that the other two cats were totally unnecessary to a happy and fulfilling cat-human relationship and did her best to pester and attack the other two pets, hoping to make them move out. Only the timely intervention by the oldest cat prevented P from asserting a problematic dominance in the household. These periodic "interventions" notwithstanding, P continued over the years to test the limits. When the oldest cat died, the second cat — totally lacking in any aggressive genes — was exposed to P's relentless persecution.
The evolution of P's chronic condition continued.
 |
| P at rest |
And soon, to replace the oldest cat who had died, a new kitten (male) was brought into the household. P's refusal to accept any additional challenge to her position in the house caused her to try to kill the new cat at every turn. So aggressive was her behavior that the two of them had to be separated completely. Neither was allowed out of a closed room while the other had run of the house.
The newcomer, for his part, admittedly provoked P and can be blamed for some of the "acting out" that became more prominent in P's relationship with him and with the house itself which she clawed to ribbons in her frustration. But it goes without saying that the groundwork for a full-blown psychosis had already been well established.
Unfortunately, the new cat was run over after only three years in the household, but this enabled P to return to a seemingly more stable period of psychological equilibrium. Her protectiveness of her territory and constant vigilance in surveiling her domain, however, should have revealed the growing Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that lay just beneath the surface of an outwardly calm demeanor.
On one occasion, for example, a stray kitten traversed the owners' lot when P was outside. It wasn't long before P brought the kitten — now dead — back to the house and dropped it triumphantly at the door, much to the shock and dismay of the owners.
Clearly their being in denial about the course their cat was taking was not contributing to the pet's rehabilitation or recovery.
As the years passed, P continued to exhibit adjustment "issues" most of which the owners attributed – falsely — to the trauma of having been abandoned as a kitten under the shrine by her first owners. Refusing to see that their own behavior in not setting rules and requiring P to follow them and also introducing a rival into the house, provoking her already well-developed pathology, the owners have to accept a lot of the blame for the problem.
When P would act-out or manifest symptoms of her underlying disorder, the owners would — perhaps jokingly — suggest loudly that P be returned to the shrine where she was found. Of course P could hear these comments, and this only contributed to an even greater sense of insecurity and tendencies towards OCD.
Pterosaurish: So what you are saying is that the owners themselves contributed to the problems that P was suffering from?
Dr. Pussi: Yes, there is no question about it. Though they were well-meaning and did all the things owners are supposed to do in raising a cat, certain of their actions undermined their well-intended behavior and caused P to suffer this psychological condition.
Pterosaurish: So what did you recommend for treatment?
Dr. Pussi: I first prescribed a regimen of drug therapy, involving powdered catnip, but P proved to be resistant to this remedy, so I had to go to the next level and prescribe "matatabi", a relative of the kiwifruit plant, which has a psychotropic effect on a cat's nervous system.
Pterosaurish: And was this successful?
Dr. Pussi: Yes, I am happy to say that this has provided some relief from the more aggressive symptoms of her disorder, but I am also recommending behavioral modification and counseling for the owners as a part of a complete rehabilitation program.
Pterosaurish: Well... we hope for the best for this poor kitty. Thank you so much for being with us today, Dr. Pussi. We look forward to having you back again to discuss other pet-owner problems and how they can be resolved.
Dr. Pussi: Thank you for having me; it's been my pleasure.
Monday, June 10, 2013
妻源病 or WID
It was bound to happen.
No sooner does Japanese psychology come up with an explanation for some of the illnesses of women by blaming it on their husbands (see earlier post here), than a similar cause for the disabilities of men is found in their wives, Wife-Induced Disease.
One thing is different; however, in the case of women their spousal "allergies" affect them at any age, while men seem to fall prey to this disorder in middle age.
What are the symptoms?
One man reported a rapid heartbeat and "pains in the area of his temples" on his train ride home from work. Another claimed cold sweats and dizziness so bad he had to be saved from falling onto the train tracks from the platform. All this from merely imagining the "frosty expression" on his wife's face.
What is the cause of this disorder?
One company doctor suggests that a devotion to work is common among middle-aged men and this gives them a great deal of pride. When a wife does not appreciate this effort – perhaps wearying of cleaning up after his drunken returns from company carousing – he feels stress.
Another psychiatrist, Dr. Yonekura, who works at the improbably named "Joy Total Clinic" (sounds like a "massage parlor") which is staffed entirely by young female physicians (only in Japan) suggests that men go through a menopause-like experience in their middle years too. This can cause palpitations and vertigo. These symptoms combined with spending more time with their wives in their "empty nest" houses can cause stress and an exacerbation of the disorder, according to Dr. Yonekura.
How do you know if you are susceptible to this disorder?
Well... first of all you need to be a middle-aged man – between the ages of 40 and 50 is perfect.
Then have a look at this checklist (conveniently provided by the Taishu Weekly which first reported this medical condition) and see if you are vulnerable.
Interestingly, some of these items such as being a perfectionist and thinking one is helping as much as possible with the household chores are themselves causes for the women's ailment, HSD – Husband-Sourced Disease.
There are other suggestions as well, such as "trying to get along with your wife's parents better", but these seem like they would be more stressful to the middle-aged, Japanese salary man, so it's hard to recommend them here.
The divorce rate among middle-aged couples and those of retirement age has increased 300% from the early 1990s to the early 2000s. Moreover among those who have been married for 20 years (middle-aged couples, since Japanese marry late), the divorce rate has soared, in many cases because the wife is sick and tired of her husband spending so much time at work, and "being treated like a servant".
What can you – the middle-aged man – do if you are faced with these difficult symptoms? Divorce is not listed as one of the options for either of these conditions; far it be from me to suggest such draconian measures here. Instead, you should learn to develop a "playful mind". This is described in terms of finding some hobby (not having an affair) such as "playing with remotely controlled models"; in other words, entertain the notion of a second childhood.
The burgeoning divorce rate clearly shows that for many couples the cure for these two debilitating disorders has taken its own course, but you – the worried middle-aged guy – don't want to go the "nuclear route", so take my advice and have a second childhood! Go out and get that radio-controlled airplane you always wanted, or take up wind-surfing. Take to heart the common expression "boys and their toys"! When you clutter the house with your models and other toys, keeping a childlike absorption in your hobby, your wife will see you in a new light and the symptoms of your malady will disappear. Of course, your wife might too, but because you are in your second childhood, you might not notice — not until no dinner is served and the laundry piles up, at any rate.
No sooner does Japanese psychology come up with an explanation for some of the illnesses of women by blaming it on their husbands (see earlier post here), than a similar cause for the disabilities of men is found in their wives, Wife-Induced Disease.
One thing is different; however, in the case of women their spousal "allergies" affect them at any age, while men seem to fall prey to this disorder in middle age.
What are the symptoms?
One man reported a rapid heartbeat and "pains in the area of his temples" on his train ride home from work. Another claimed cold sweats and dizziness so bad he had to be saved from falling onto the train tracks from the platform. All this from merely imagining the "frosty expression" on his wife's face.
What is the cause of this disorder?
One company doctor suggests that a devotion to work is common among middle-aged men and this gives them a great deal of pride. When a wife does not appreciate this effort – perhaps wearying of cleaning up after his drunken returns from company carousing – he feels stress.
Another psychiatrist, Dr. Yonekura, who works at the improbably named "Joy Total Clinic" (sounds like a "massage parlor") which is staffed entirely by young female physicians (only in Japan) suggests that men go through a menopause-like experience in their middle years too. This can cause palpitations and vertigo. These symptoms combined with spending more time with their wives in their "empty nest" houses can cause stress and an exacerbation of the disorder, according to Dr. Yonekura.
How do you know if you are susceptible to this disorder?
Well... first of all you need to be a middle-aged man – between the ages of 40 and 50 is perfect.
Then have a look at this checklist (conveniently provided by the Taishu Weekly which first reported this medical condition) and see if you are vulnerable.
- I’m something of a perfectionist
- I have trouble falling asleep
- I suffer from unexplained episodes of sweating, vertigo or palpitations
- I help as much as possible with household chores
- Our children are financially independent and married
- I’m often at home since I have already retired
- I exhibit more fatigue than does my wife
- We never engage in marital spats
- As a married couple we seem to understand each other without the need to speak
- My wife suffers from menopause-related problems
Interestingly, some of these items such as being a perfectionist and thinking one is helping as much as possible with the household chores are themselves causes for the women's ailment, HSD – Husband-Sourced Disease.
There are other suggestions as well, such as "trying to get along with your wife's parents better", but these seem like they would be more stressful to the middle-aged, Japanese salary man, so it's hard to recommend them here.
The divorce rate among middle-aged couples and those of retirement age has increased 300% from the early 1990s to the early 2000s. Moreover among those who have been married for 20 years (middle-aged couples, since Japanese marry late), the divorce rate has soared, in many cases because the wife is sick and tired of her husband spending so much time at work, and "being treated like a servant".
What can you – the middle-aged man – do if you are faced with these difficult symptoms? Divorce is not listed as one of the options for either of these conditions; far it be from me to suggest such draconian measures here. Instead, you should learn to develop a "playful mind". This is described in terms of finding some hobby (not having an affair) such as "playing with remotely controlled models"; in other words, entertain the notion of a second childhood.
The burgeoning divorce rate clearly shows that for many couples the cure for these two debilitating disorders has taken its own course, but you – the worried middle-aged guy – don't want to go the "nuclear route", so take my advice and have a second childhood! Go out and get that radio-controlled airplane you always wanted, or take up wind-surfing. Take to heart the common expression "boys and their toys"! When you clutter the house with your models and other toys, keeping a childlike absorption in your hobby, your wife will see you in a new light and the symptoms of your malady will disappear. Of course, your wife might too, but because you are in your second childhood, you might not notice — not until no dinner is served and the laundry piles up, at any rate.
Monday, June 3, 2013
The Pandas Against the World
The Chinese mean business now. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
A Chinese military official has laid it all out. America is no longer the Paper Tiger of the Mao era; oh no! It is a real Global Tiger and Japan is its Running Dog.... oops... dated expression... um... Wolf. Australia, a kind-hearted Lamb (take THAT you macho Aussies!), is warned not to side with the Tiger and the Wolf against China (a Panda?) in the struggle to identify who actually owns the Senkaku Islands (the Pandas call them the Diaoyu Islands).
The Global Tiger and the Wolf are "madly biting China", according to the Colonel in the Chinese army. Poor China. One hopes they don't catch something from all that biting.
What if the Kind-Hearted Lambs should side with the Wolf and the Tiger? The Panda will assert its claim to parts of Australia no doubt, based on some historical claim of having sent ships there before anyone arrived from Europe.
They will issue another statement, "The Panda claim to the southern continents is proven in history. There is nothing to discuss. The southern continent is an irrevocable part of Pandaland. We claim them along with all of the seas between our mainland and our southern territories of what is called Australia today."
The Global Tiger, on the other hand, might say, "We support the Kind-Hearted Lambs in their desire to remain free and independent of Panda domination, but we also wish they would be less lamby and more tigery about this.... just saying."
The Wolf (Japan, in case you have not been paying attention) would say, "While recognizing the rights of Pandas and Lambs to live in harmony around the world, we Wolves insist on the right of most animals to live in peace whenever possible and if not, to try to work it out among themselves and bring new awakenings that might turn to our general advantage in our common will and striving for world acceptance."
The Global Tiger would respond to this new initiative by the Wolves by saying, "Huh?"
And – naturally – the Pandas would throw a hissy-fit claiming, "Wolf attempts at regional hegemony will be met by the strong and inviolable determination of all Pandas everywhere to prevent a repeat of historical mistakes!" They would encourage Panda riots in the streets in Pandaland and the unavoidable trashing and closure of Wolf stores and embassies.
The Wolves would respond with uncommon sternness, "Events in Pandaland have taken on a character of their own and established a momentum that can only lead to a fundamental revocation and arrangement from the world of nations, fostering a general disadvantage in the climate among these nations and a decrease in the positive atmosphere of general development.... among nations... or between them.... and retroactively."
This would clearly be a provocation to the Pandas who would send "research" vessels into Wolf waters to prove that not only the little islands but also the big islands of Okinawa Prefecture are an inviolable part of Panda territory.
The Wolves would respond by sternly announcing in their Parliament that "vessels from other countries, entering Wolf waters should be aware that we are prepared to take strong measures against them; such as taking video of them for the evening news, exposing their perfidy to the world."
Escalating the tensions, the Pandas would send fishing boats to expose the imperialist and adventurist ambitions of the Wolves who are running dogs of the capitalist Global Tigers, and the Wolves would respond gravely by complaining, "Intrusion by alien vessels into our waters will not be tolerated unless we can determine where they are from and ascertain that they might be on course for other places and unless they have radar that might be locked onto our vessels or weapons systems that look scary."
The Pandas for their part have clearly been feeling local pressures – they ARE an endangered species after all – and what could be better to alleviate their domestic pressures than to lay claim to major chunks of the rest of the world? Lebensraum for Pandas!
Those Pandas, so cute when they get riled up!
A Chinese military official has laid it all out. America is no longer the Paper Tiger of the Mao era; oh no! It is a real Global Tiger and Japan is its Running Dog.... oops... dated expression... um... Wolf. Australia, a kind-hearted Lamb (take THAT you macho Aussies!), is warned not to side with the Tiger and the Wolf against China (a Panda?) in the struggle to identify who actually owns the Senkaku Islands (the Pandas call them the Diaoyu Islands).
The Global Tiger and the Wolf are "madly biting China", according to the Colonel in the Chinese army. Poor China. One hopes they don't catch something from all that biting.
What if the Kind-Hearted Lambs should side with the Wolf and the Tiger? The Panda will assert its claim to parts of Australia no doubt, based on some historical claim of having sent ships there before anyone arrived from Europe.
They will issue another statement, "The Panda claim to the southern continents is proven in history. There is nothing to discuss. The southern continent is an irrevocable part of Pandaland. We claim them along with all of the seas between our mainland and our southern territories of what is called Australia today."
The Global Tiger, on the other hand, might say, "We support the Kind-Hearted Lambs in their desire to remain free and independent of Panda domination, but we also wish they would be less lamby and more tigery about this.... just saying."
The Wolf (Japan, in case you have not been paying attention) would say, "While recognizing the rights of Pandas and Lambs to live in harmony around the world, we Wolves insist on the right of most animals to live in peace whenever possible and if not, to try to work it out among themselves and bring new awakenings that might turn to our general advantage in our common will and striving for world acceptance."
The Global Tiger would respond to this new initiative by the Wolves by saying, "Huh?"
And – naturally – the Pandas would throw a hissy-fit claiming, "Wolf attempts at regional hegemony will be met by the strong and inviolable determination of all Pandas everywhere to prevent a repeat of historical mistakes!" They would encourage Panda riots in the streets in Pandaland and the unavoidable trashing and closure of Wolf stores and embassies.
The Wolves would respond with uncommon sternness, "Events in Pandaland have taken on a character of their own and established a momentum that can only lead to a fundamental revocation and arrangement from the world of nations, fostering a general disadvantage in the climate among these nations and a decrease in the positive atmosphere of general development.... among nations... or between them.... and retroactively."
This would clearly be a provocation to the Pandas who would send "research" vessels into Wolf waters to prove that not only the little islands but also the big islands of Okinawa Prefecture are an inviolable part of Panda territory.
The Wolves would respond by sternly announcing in their Parliament that "vessels from other countries, entering Wolf waters should be aware that we are prepared to take strong measures against them; such as taking video of them for the evening news, exposing their perfidy to the world."
Escalating the tensions, the Pandas would send fishing boats to expose the imperialist and adventurist ambitions of the Wolves who are running dogs of the capitalist Global Tigers, and the Wolves would respond gravely by complaining, "Intrusion by alien vessels into our waters will not be tolerated unless we can determine where they are from and ascertain that they might be on course for other places and unless they have radar that might be locked onto our vessels or weapons systems that look scary."
The Pandas for their part have clearly been feeling local pressures – they ARE an endangered species after all – and what could be better to alleviate their domestic pressures than to lay claim to major chunks of the rest of the world? Lebensraum for Pandas!
Those Pandas, so cute when they get riled up!
Monday, May 27, 2013
What is Prayer Good For?
Prayer is good for
1. Stopping the Supreme Court from accepting gay marriage.
2. Stopping a bad tornado in Oklahoma.
3. Making people feel better after a bad tornado in Oklahoma.
4. Casting out demons.
5. Getting mafiosi to be good.
6. Helping you decide to go back to work.
7. Getting Rick Santorum elected President.
8. Repealing Obamacare.
9. Making gay people straight.
10. Stopping children from being killed by guns better than gun control legislation.
11. Getting Mitt Romney elected President.
12. Saving you from taking the Titanic.
13. Making your trip to Disney World healthy.
14. Stopping drone attacks on you.
15. Guarding against accidents in your new car.
16. Finding you a job.
17. Getting you more money.
18. Finding a husband.
19. Getting through divorce.
20. Convincing Herman Cain to run for President.
21. Convincing Herman Cain to stop running for President.
22. Making it snow.
23. Making it stop snowing.
24. Getting more sex.
25. Helping Paul Ryan's kids with their homework.
Enough.... you get the picture.
1. Stopping the Supreme Court from accepting gay marriage.
2. Stopping a bad tornado in Oklahoma.
3. Making people feel better after a bad tornado in Oklahoma.
4. Casting out demons.
5. Getting mafiosi to be good.
6. Helping you decide to go back to work.
7. Getting Rick Santorum elected President.
8. Repealing Obamacare.
9. Making gay people straight.
10. Stopping children from being killed by guns better than gun control legislation.
11. Getting Mitt Romney elected President.
12. Saving you from taking the Titanic.
13. Making your trip to Disney World healthy.
14. Stopping drone attacks on you.
15. Guarding against accidents in your new car.
16. Finding you a job.
17. Getting you more money.
18. Finding a husband.
19. Getting through divorce.
20. Convincing Herman Cain to run for President.
21. Convincing Herman Cain to stop running for President.
22. Making it snow.
23. Making it stop snowing.
24. Getting more sex.
25. Helping Paul Ryan's kids with their homework.
Enough.... you get the picture.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Internet for Seniors
Today we are going to talk about the Internet and how much fun it can be for seniors to get involved in this new and exciting world. The Internet has been all the rage of late – even in the news – and I am sure that all of you out there have heard of it.
Using the Internet can bring some important benefits for you – the senior citizen – so you need to perk up and read this carefully.
(Yes, it does mean that you need to put down the Metamucil, and it's disgusting that you eat the powder directly from the package.)
I know you are asking, "What good is the Internet?"
That is a legitimate question. Thanks for asking it.
With just a few simple techniques, you – as a senior citizen – can gain a lot from using the Internet in just a few minutes a day.
"How do I do this," you ask?
It's easy!
Even *I can do it, and I am well-known to be a technology-challenged Luddite. I actually do not have an iPod or a smart phone! Can you believe it?
But despite these handicaps, let me walk you through the process of using the Internet to your advantage. It's important to "personalize" the experience so that you really get the information that YOU want without spending hours looking at stuff you don't really need.
First of all you need to turn on your computer. Once it "boots up" (technical language for "starting") you should open a "browser".
You should use the expression "boot up" several times a day to make people understand how hip you are. You can follow this example conversation!
Scenario
Prospective son-in-law: Wow! What a nice house you have here, Mr. Pterosaurish. It means so much to me to see where Natalie grew up! It makes me feel so much closer to her. Which room was hers?
Me: No way am I showing you her room....
Natalie: Oh, Daddy... don't be so silly! (smiling in a condescending way) I will show him my old room.
Me: How about I boot him up the stairs? (key phrase)
Natalie: Dad! I told you to .... grrr.... just mind your manners, OK? Why don't you go help Mom with the dinner.
Anyway, it's important to be "with it" and "cool" as you get older, and being able to use the Internet and the "lingo" associated with it is key to that image.
You want your children's friends, such as your prospective son-in-law to appreciate that you can "operate" on his level in the modern world, even though you know he's a jerk and you cannot BEAR the idea that he is sleeping with your daughter!
(sorry... we all have our pet peeves...)
And what IS it these days with these young guys? They all have tattoos and sit around for hours playing video games! And their earphones are so embedded, they would need to be surgically removed, and every time you say something, their first answer is "what?". It's really hard to relate to them! I keep telling Natalie that she needs to find a....
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to keep on topic here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
So getting back to the Internet. There is a lot of specific information there that we seniors will find incredibly useful.
For example, did you know that you can look up people on the Internet and track down all sorts of private information about them?
Yes!
This ties in with our natural instincts to be nosy and curious about the people around us.
Let's use a real-life example to demonstrate how powerful a tool this can be!
My daughter's boyfriend, for example. His name isREDACTED
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to talk in more general terms here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
OK, let me approach this in a more indirect sort of way.
Suppose there is someone (NOBODY WE KNOW, OK?) that you want to find out about. Let's say you want to find out about that weird neighbor Mr. Peter Flournoy who lives in that dilapidated house just two doors down.
You write his name into the search panel of Google and press return.
Then – as if by a miracle – a lot of information appears!
First of all you find out that he is a member of some stupid band
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to actually look up the person I mentioned above and not someone else.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Mr. Peter Flournoy is a boring lawyer.
But this just gives you an example of what you can do!
And that is not all!
Suppose you want to not only find general information about someone, but really detailed stuff. What if you need to know whether someone who seems to be "your friend" is REALLY who they claim to be or maybe an escaped convict or lay-about loser that you wouldn't want ANYone in your family hanging around with.
What you can do in this case is enter "criminal record check" and the name of your city in the search box, and lo and behold, you find out that mmmmmmmmmmmm ....... mmmmmmmmm !
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to turn off my computer and help my wife with dinner.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Anyway... there is a lot out there on the Internet that seniors can profit from using... go for it!
Using the Internet can bring some important benefits for you – the senior citizen – so you need to perk up and read this carefully.
(Yes, it does mean that you need to put down the Metamucil, and it's disgusting that you eat the powder directly from the package.)
I know you are asking, "What good is the Internet?"
That is a legitimate question. Thanks for asking it.
With just a few simple techniques, you – as a senior citizen – can gain a lot from using the Internet in just a few minutes a day.
"How do I do this," you ask?
It's easy!
Even *I can do it, and I am well-known to be a technology-challenged Luddite. I actually do not have an iPod or a smart phone! Can you believe it?
But despite these handicaps, let me walk you through the process of using the Internet to your advantage. It's important to "personalize" the experience so that you really get the information that YOU want without spending hours looking at stuff you don't really need.
First of all you need to turn on your computer. Once it "boots up" (technical language for "starting") you should open a "browser".
You should use the expression "boot up" several times a day to make people understand how hip you are. You can follow this example conversation!
Scenario
Prospective son-in-law: Wow! What a nice house you have here, Mr. Pterosaurish. It means so much to me to see where Natalie grew up! It makes me feel so much closer to her. Which room was hers?
Me: No way am I showing you her room....
Natalie: Oh, Daddy... don't be so silly! (smiling in a condescending way) I will show him my old room.
Me: How about I boot him up the stairs? (key phrase)
Natalie: Dad! I told you to .... grrr.... just mind your manners, OK? Why don't you go help Mom with the dinner.
Anyway, it's important to be "with it" and "cool" as you get older, and being able to use the Internet and the "lingo" associated with it is key to that image.
You want your children's friends, such as your prospective son-in-law to appreciate that you can "operate" on his level in the modern world, even though you know he's a jerk and you cannot BEAR the idea that he is sleeping with your daughter!
(sorry... we all have our pet peeves...)
And what IS it these days with these young guys? They all have tattoos and sit around for hours playing video games! And their earphones are so embedded, they would need to be surgically removed, and every time you say something, their first answer is "what?". It's really hard to relate to them! I keep telling Natalie that she needs to find a....
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to keep on topic here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
So getting back to the Internet. There is a lot of specific information there that we seniors will find incredibly useful.
For example, did you know that you can look up people on the Internet and track down all sorts of private information about them?
Yes!
This ties in with our natural instincts to be nosy and curious about the people around us.
Let's use a real-life example to demonstrate how powerful a tool this can be!
My daughter's boyfriend, for example. His name is
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to talk in more general terms here.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
OK, let me approach this in a more indirect sort of way.
Suppose there is someone (NOBODY WE KNOW, OK?) that you want to find out about. Let's say you want to find out about that weird neighbor Mr. Peter Flournoy who lives in that dilapidated house just two doors down.
You write his name into the search panel of Google and press return.
Then – as if by a miracle – a lot of information appears!
First of all you find out that he is a member of some stupid band
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to actually look up the person I mentioned above and not someone else.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Mr. Peter Flournoy is a boring lawyer.
But this just gives you an example of what you can do!
And that is not all!
Suppose you want to not only find general information about someone, but really detailed stuff. What if you need to know whether someone who seems to be "your friend" is REALLY who they claim to be or maybe an escaped convict or lay-about loser that you wouldn't want ANYone in your family hanging around with.
What you can do in this case is enter "criminal record check" and the name of your city in the search box, and lo and behold, you find out that mmmmmmmmmmmm ....... mmmmmmmmm !
- - - - - - - - - -
I have been instructed to turn off my computer and help my wife with dinner.
Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - -
Anyway... there is a lot out there on the Internet that seniors can profit from using... go for it!
Monday, May 13, 2013
7 Steps to a Better Senior Driver
My name is Pterosaurish, and I am a Baby Boomer.
It's not my fault.
I am sure that many of you are Baby Boomers too; we have this in common.
Let's all hold hands and sing something... what was it? Kumbaya? or if you are Japanese... 戦争をしらない?
I don't actually remember the 60s... so I might be wrong about the songs.
But what I DO remember is that we DID have cars.
Ours was the first generation that grew up with cars. We even had music that featured cars.
Check this out... a song bragging about his car and then feeling regret about what happened after he bragged about the car. Are those definitive songs or what?!
We loved cars in the US.
And even though I grew up in Japan, I still loved cars in a once-removed sort of way, like you love your nice Auntie in Nebraska.
Nonetheless, we are all getting on now, and having just helped our parents quit driving and move right away to life support, suddenly... and I DO mean suddenly... we are faced with challenges in our own driving.
What could be more important to us Baby Boomers than advice about driving (other than how to make sure our life support is plugged in).
I am a seriously good driver. And I want to tell you that YOU are also a good driver. When the cops stop you, say, "I have been driving since before you were born, twit!"
This will impress them. You might want to leave out the "twit" part, but the bottom line is that we have been driving longer than anyone. It's a generational skill that we need to recognize.
But we seniors do have problems. Some of us make mistakes and bad things happen. People DIE.. even. But – hey – even youngish airplane pilots crash their jets into things. It's not just about us.
In Japan, for example, they require all drivers over the age of 70 to have a special sticker on their cars. This is based on the fundamental Japanese attitude that a sticker can solve most social problems (hello America... not ALL countries think guns are the solution).
So since I am such a good driver and since nobody has taken my license away (we boomers have fewer kids, so THAT's a plus), I can give you important advice on how to be a better driver yourself and keep driving for many more years to come.
Once again, I will do this in the ever popular numbered format. That way you know how long you have to pay attention before you fall asleep at the wheel.
1. Check out your car before you drive.
Are those tires bald? Are the wipers in good condition? What is that blood on the bumper? Is that a shirt tangled up in the exhaust pipe? And so on. Nothing makes for a better driver than knowing his or her vehicle.
2. Hold onto the steering wheel.
Let's face it: most of us have been driving since we were in our teens. We're talking a lot of years here. We have gotten blasé and lackadaisical about our driving to the point that we hold the steering wheel with our knees while we clean our sunglasses or eat a boxed lunch with chopsticks. You do that too, right?
We need to stop that and grip the steering wheel securely.
3. Avoid distractions.
When you get to be a senior driver, your mind tends to wander. "Did I turn off the gas?" or "What WAS the name of Tom Hank's role in that movie... Force something... Grump...?" and we don't pay attention to the road as well as we should.
Adding to the problem are all the jerks honking at us all the time.
You need to shut them down. You can do this by getting the proper sticker (Japan is right!). But you need to get the right one for your area.
In the deep South, you get a "Honk if you love Obama" sticker. This will definitely cut down on the annoying honking.
In Philly you get a "Honk if you love New York" sticker. In the Pacific Northwest a "Honk if you love Jesus" sticker, and in the midwest a "Honk if you hate guns" sticker.
The amount of honking at you will go down very rapidly.
4. Look at the road.
This is related to # 3 above, but you really need to keep your eyes on the road. The super sale at the shopping center on the left or the beautiful woman walking on the right do not need your immediate attention. You must slow down and brake to a stop and THEN check them out safely.
5. Despite your stickers, some drivers will still honk at you for #4 above. Ignore them. Those people are impatient jerks who don't really have a life. Let them fester in their own hostile juices. It is very important for senior drivers to be calm and collected and not be flustered. A flustered senior is a recipe for a lot of roadkill. You might need to stop your car and walk back to the jerks who are stuck behind you, to "talk" to them about this important problem.
Will they be surprised or what? I have never seen power windows go up so fast.
6. Don't exceed the speed limit by more than 15 kph.
Take it from me; your radar detector will not work all the time (Damn, and I spent good money for it!). It's better to drive slowly and not get your license revoked for doing the little old lady from Pasadena thing, especially not in Japan. The police are polite and cheerful but they don't cut you any slack. "See this radar display? You were doing 77 kph in a 60 kph zone. Please put your fingerprint on this paper to show that you saw the display." They actually said that to me! They also didn't seem keen about being called twits.
7. Finally, there is the issue of getting sleepy behind the wheel. We seniors do get woozy from time to time, and we can be a serious danger on the road when we are dozy at the wheel; there are no excuses you can make to cover for it.
When you get sleepy, you need to take the proper measures to make sure that you will not be caught up in a dreadful accident.
What do you do?
When you feel yourself starting to fall asleep, slow down and stay in the slow lane. Then flick on the turn indicator. You are in the slow lane, so indicate that you will be moving to the fast lane. Since you are going 40kph on a 100kph highway, this signaling will alert other drivers to you and make them worry that you might suddenly swerve into the fast lane (where they are going 160kph) at your slow speed. You won't cause any accidents for being sleepy.
All the same, pull off to the shoulder or somewhere to take a nice nap as soon as you can.
I hope that these steps will make you into the really GREAT driver I am today. There is no reason why we seniors cannot continue to drive our vehicles well into our 90s (90 is the new 60!) if we follow these few simple rules.
Good luck and don't forget that the gas pump goes into that little hole in the back of your car... not any other little hole (just saying).
It's not my fault.
I am sure that many of you are Baby Boomers too; we have this in common.
Let's all hold hands and sing something... what was it? Kumbaya? or if you are Japanese... 戦争をしらない?
I don't actually remember the 60s... so I might be wrong about the songs.
But what I DO remember is that we DID have cars.
Ours was the first generation that grew up with cars. We even had music that featured cars.
Check this out... a song bragging about his car and then feeling regret about what happened after he bragged about the car. Are those definitive songs or what?!
We loved cars in the US.
And even though I grew up in Japan, I still loved cars in a once-removed sort of way, like you love your nice Auntie in Nebraska.
Nonetheless, we are all getting on now, and having just helped our parents quit driving and move right away to life support, suddenly... and I DO mean suddenly... we are faced with challenges in our own driving.
What could be more important to us Baby Boomers than advice about driving (other than how to make sure our life support is plugged in).
I am a seriously good driver. And I want to tell you that YOU are also a good driver. When the cops stop you, say, "I have been driving since before you were born, twit!"
This will impress them. You might want to leave out the "twit" part, but the bottom line is that we have been driving longer than anyone. It's a generational skill that we need to recognize.
But we seniors do have problems. Some of us make mistakes and bad things happen. People DIE.. even. But – hey – even youngish airplane pilots crash their jets into things. It's not just about us.
In Japan, for example, they require all drivers over the age of 70 to have a special sticker on their cars. This is based on the fundamental Japanese attitude that a sticker can solve most social problems (hello America... not ALL countries think guns are the solution).
So since I am such a good driver and since nobody has taken my license away (we boomers have fewer kids, so THAT's a plus), I can give you important advice on how to be a better driver yourself and keep driving for many more years to come.
Once again, I will do this in the ever popular numbered format. That way you know how long you have to pay attention before you fall asleep at the wheel.
1. Check out your car before you drive.
Are those tires bald? Are the wipers in good condition? What is that blood on the bumper? Is that a shirt tangled up in the exhaust pipe? And so on. Nothing makes for a better driver than knowing his or her vehicle.
2. Hold onto the steering wheel.
Let's face it: most of us have been driving since we were in our teens. We're talking a lot of years here. We have gotten blasé and lackadaisical about our driving to the point that we hold the steering wheel with our knees while we clean our sunglasses or eat a boxed lunch with chopsticks. You do that too, right?
We need to stop that and grip the steering wheel securely.
3. Avoid distractions.
When you get to be a senior driver, your mind tends to wander. "Did I turn off the gas?" or "What WAS the name of Tom Hank's role in that movie... Force something... Grump...?" and we don't pay attention to the road as well as we should.
Adding to the problem are all the jerks honking at us all the time.
You need to shut them down. You can do this by getting the proper sticker (Japan is right!). But you need to get the right one for your area.
In the deep South, you get a "Honk if you love Obama" sticker. This will definitely cut down on the annoying honking.
In Philly you get a "Honk if you love New York" sticker. In the Pacific Northwest a "Honk if you love Jesus" sticker, and in the midwest a "Honk if you hate guns" sticker.
The amount of honking at you will go down very rapidly.
4. Look at the road.
This is related to # 3 above, but you really need to keep your eyes on the road. The super sale at the shopping center on the left or the beautiful woman walking on the right do not need your immediate attention. You must slow down and brake to a stop and THEN check them out safely.
5. Despite your stickers, some drivers will still honk at you for #4 above. Ignore them. Those people are impatient jerks who don't really have a life. Let them fester in their own hostile juices. It is very important for senior drivers to be calm and collected and not be flustered. A flustered senior is a recipe for a lot of roadkill. You might need to stop your car and walk back to the jerks who are stuck behind you, to "talk" to them about this important problem.
Will they be surprised or what? I have never seen power windows go up so fast.
6. Don't exceed the speed limit by more than 15 kph.
Take it from me; your radar detector will not work all the time (Damn, and I spent good money for it!). It's better to drive slowly and not get your license revoked for doing the little old lady from Pasadena thing, especially not in Japan. The police are polite and cheerful but they don't cut you any slack. "See this radar display? You were doing 77 kph in a 60 kph zone. Please put your fingerprint on this paper to show that you saw the display." They actually said that to me! They also didn't seem keen about being called twits.
7. Finally, there is the issue of getting sleepy behind the wheel. We seniors do get woozy from time to time, and we can be a serious danger on the road when we are dozy at the wheel; there are no excuses you can make to cover for it.
When you get sleepy, you need to take the proper measures to make sure that you will not be caught up in a dreadful accident.
What do you do?
When you feel yourself starting to fall asleep, slow down and stay in the slow lane. Then flick on the turn indicator. You are in the slow lane, so indicate that you will be moving to the fast lane. Since you are going 40kph on a 100kph highway, this signaling will alert other drivers to you and make them worry that you might suddenly swerve into the fast lane (where they are going 160kph) at your slow speed. You won't cause any accidents for being sleepy.
All the same, pull off to the shoulder or somewhere to take a nice nap as soon as you can.
I hope that these steps will make you into the really GREAT driver I am today. There is no reason why we seniors cannot continue to drive our vehicles well into our 90s (90 is the new 60!) if we follow these few simple rules.
Good luck and don't forget that the gas pump goes into that little hole in the back of your car... not any other little hole (just saying).
Monday, May 6, 2013
6 Steps to Spiritual Balance and a Zen Mind
Have you ever noticed how the Huffington Post emphasizes number titles? We have discussed that technique here before.
You grab your audience's attention while still letting them know that
the length of time they need to focus is well within their
truncated attention span.
In the Huffington Post right now we have no fewer than 9 articles that use this approach to introduce information.
10 Reasons to Meditate
6 Ways To Simplify Your Morning Beauty Routine
5 Ways Stress Accelerates Aging
7 Surprising Things That Age You Faster
17 Things To Never Do Alone
First, you don't need to be a stickler about round numbers, so you can go ahead and say things like, "5 Ways to Avoid Painful Constipation" or "3 Steps to Reducing Thigh Friction". It does seem important to not have your numbers be too big. The title above, "17 Things To Never Do Alone", tripped me up. I thought maybe they could have done better by limiting it to 10 or 11, especially since most of them were total fluff.
I mean really... never hang that picture alone? Why zero in on that?
How about replacing that stupid thing with never sticking a live eel up your butt alone? Who would take you to the hospital to have it surgically removed?
Anyway, today I am offering my advice in this very popular, numbered style.
I have been paging through women's magazines and the health websites of the Internet recently and noticed how much space in the advice columns is devoted to "spiritual balance". Someone like me who has lived a long and exciting life has important advice to lend to others who are still trying to find their ways. Yes, I know most of you will be surprised that I have life-advice to offer, since you think I am an incredibly shallow and superficial person, only interested in wine and good fish 'n' chips.
But nothing could be further from the truth; I am interested in good pizza as well.
In fact, I have experienced Zen meditation and the enlightenment that comes from powerful centering exercises with my body through the martial arts. It is this background that presses me to pass along some of what I have learned to those of you who have not been so blessed with these revelations.
A key component of your spiritual development and one that is mentioned by almost every mentor in this field is keeping your spiritual center and physical being in balance.
Gurus and other spiritual leaders talk in parables, so I should follow their lead to help make some of these concepts easier to understand for you, the layperson.
You undoubtedly have a feeling that your inner self still retains the blissful openness of childhood and that your eyes want to drink in the excitement of the world around you as if experiencing everything for the first time. In your mind's eye you chase the wind-tossed, dandelion fluff through the forest of your imagination – free and innocent.
This is your spiritual core revealing itself to you, calling out to you.
Then you look at your physical being and realize that rather than the frisky inner child you imagine yourself to be you are actually more like a manatee. In fact, the only drinking in of experience you have had is the six-pack of beer you finish off every evening in front of the TV. This is WHY you are called a layperson*.
But getting to your balance, this parable shows how you can have an unbalance between these two sides of your being; your yin is weighing down your wang... no, yang.
Something like that.
Anyway, there are steps YOU can take in the comfort of your own home to restore this balance and find transcendental bliss.
1. It is unreasonable to expect to adjust only one side of your nature to fit the other. True, the manatee will have to cut back on the beer, but the inner child will also have to grow up and face the reality of the manatee. Manatees are actually herbivores, so that would be a good start right there, and inner children should not drink beer, since they are underage.
Just saying.
2. Focus on the positive by finding the aspects of both sides of you and realizing their potentials. Your left side says "blubber" and your right side agrees. There you go, another good start.
3. Think about your inner child and ask it if it can compromise to some extent. Both sides have to meet halfway. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian problem. Nobody gets everything s/he wants. Your inner child must give up the acting out part of its adventure (the manatee cannot frisk through the forest), and the manatee side must cut back on the "settlements" (if you get my drift).
4. Learn to feel good about BOTH sides of your being. The yin and the wang both. If your inner child can learn to love the manatee and the manatee can accept the inner child – each on its own terms – you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.
5. Wait... no cake.
6. Surround yourself with fellow travelers. Reinforcement for your spiritual balance from the outside can only help you to achieve your transcendental goals. Find another manatee with an inner child, struggling to get out.
And remember this: Zen means never having to say you are.
Finally, appreciate your mentors and gurus. We do accept all major credit cards as well as cash donations.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Don't mess with me about "lay" and "lie"; I know the difference. Many people still say, "Go lay down for a while until the vodka wears off", I use the word "lay" with that in mind. Yes... "lie" is grammatically correct. If you want to be a "lieperson", go for it.
In the Huffington Post right now we have no fewer than 9 articles that use this approach to introduce information.
10 Reasons to Meditate
4 Common Mispronunciations That Drive Me Crazy
10 Most Horrifying Things Landlords Have Done 6 Ways To Simplify Your Morning Beauty Routine
5 Ways Stress Accelerates Aging
6 Awesome And Affordable Hotels For Beach Bums
9 Fitness Retreats To Whip You Into Shape For Summer 20137 Surprising Things That Age You Faster
17 Things To Never Do Alone
First, you don't need to be a stickler about round numbers, so you can go ahead and say things like, "5 Ways to Avoid Painful Constipation" or "3 Steps to Reducing Thigh Friction". It does seem important to not have your numbers be too big. The title above, "17 Things To Never Do Alone", tripped me up. I thought maybe they could have done better by limiting it to 10 or 11, especially since most of them were total fluff.
I mean really... never hang that picture alone? Why zero in on that?
How about replacing that stupid thing with never sticking a live eel up your butt alone? Who would take you to the hospital to have it surgically removed?
Anyway, today I am offering my advice in this very popular, numbered style.
I have been paging through women's magazines and the health websites of the Internet recently and noticed how much space in the advice columns is devoted to "spiritual balance". Someone like me who has lived a long and exciting life has important advice to lend to others who are still trying to find their ways. Yes, I know most of you will be surprised that I have life-advice to offer, since you think I am an incredibly shallow and superficial person, only interested in wine and good fish 'n' chips.
But nothing could be further from the truth; I am interested in good pizza as well.
In fact, I have experienced Zen meditation and the enlightenment that comes from powerful centering exercises with my body through the martial arts. It is this background that presses me to pass along some of what I have learned to those of you who have not been so blessed with these revelations.
A key component of your spiritual development and one that is mentioned by almost every mentor in this field is keeping your spiritual center and physical being in balance.
Gurus and other spiritual leaders talk in parables, so I should follow their lead to help make some of these concepts easier to understand for you, the layperson.
You undoubtedly have a feeling that your inner self still retains the blissful openness of childhood and that your eyes want to drink in the excitement of the world around you as if experiencing everything for the first time. In your mind's eye you chase the wind-tossed, dandelion fluff through the forest of your imagination – free and innocent.
This is your spiritual core revealing itself to you, calling out to you.
Then you look at your physical being and realize that rather than the frisky inner child you imagine yourself to be you are actually more like a manatee. In fact, the only drinking in of experience you have had is the six-pack of beer you finish off every evening in front of the TV. This is WHY you are called a layperson*.
But getting to your balance, this parable shows how you can have an unbalance between these two sides of your being; your yin is weighing down your wang... no, yang.
Something like that.
Anyway, there are steps YOU can take in the comfort of your own home to restore this balance and find transcendental bliss.
1. It is unreasonable to expect to adjust only one side of your nature to fit the other. True, the manatee will have to cut back on the beer, but the inner child will also have to grow up and face the reality of the manatee. Manatees are actually herbivores, so that would be a good start right there, and inner children should not drink beer, since they are underage.
Just saying.
2. Focus on the positive by finding the aspects of both sides of you and realizing their potentials. Your left side says "blubber" and your right side agrees. There you go, another good start.
3. Think about your inner child and ask it if it can compromise to some extent. Both sides have to meet halfway. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian problem. Nobody gets everything s/he wants. Your inner child must give up the acting out part of its adventure (the manatee cannot frisk through the forest), and the manatee side must cut back on the "settlements" (if you get my drift).
4. Learn to feel good about BOTH sides of your being. The yin and the wang both. If your inner child can learn to love the manatee and the manatee can accept the inner child – each on its own terms – you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.
5. Wait... no cake.
6. Surround yourself with fellow travelers. Reinforcement for your spiritual balance from the outside can only help you to achieve your transcendental goals. Find another manatee with an inner child, struggling to get out.
And remember this: Zen means never having to say you are.
Finally, appreciate your mentors and gurus. We do accept all major credit cards as well as cash donations.
- - - - - - - - - -
*Don't mess with me about "lay" and "lie"; I know the difference. Many people still say, "Go lay down for a while until the vodka wears off", I use the word "lay" with that in mind. Yes... "lie" is grammatically correct. If you want to be a "lieperson", go for it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)