Is That Jesus in My Toast?

I believe that most of you probably saw this incredible news, the appearance of the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk in New Jersey. No, the Blessed Virgin was not herself revealed in the tree; it was her image that appeared and changed the lives of believers in the area.
At first, being endowed by my Creator with a doubting mind, I thought, "Ha! What sort of nonsense is this?!" But, when I saw the close ups of the tree trunk and listened to the emotional reaction of the residents in the area, I started to wonder.
Maybe I am too cynical. Maybe my disbelief comes from some inner pressure that prevents me from opening my heart to the wondrous events around me.
It turned out that the inner tension could be relieved by other means, but that is not to say that I am innocent of cynicism when it comes to religious iconography and belief.
I felt that I should reconsider my wayward nature and try to find the truth in these images. I needed to trust my heart and let it surrender to the mystery of salvation.
This voyage of spiritual discovery required some preparation, so I spent a long evening in meditative surfing of the internet. I explored the many websites out there which are devoted to self-discovery and spiritual awareness.
Slowly, my outlook was transformed. I began to see how wrong I had been all these years, ignoring the reality of faith that had probably presented its proof to my very own eyes countless times. I had hardened my heart to belief and in consequence had only deprived myself of the warmth of religious embrace.
I first looked for other similar images; perhaps I too could eventually bear witness to what the faithful saw in these ordinary objects.
The image of Jesus is one which his flock often discover.
Jesus on a crab, for example, was found not far from Seattle, up in Everett*. Naturally, disbelieving as I used to be, the Huffington Post put down this revelation by suggesting it looked more like Osama Bin Laden, but that is because the editors there are a faithless lot who should all be turned into pillars of salt! Regrettably, the crab was a female and had to be returned to the sea, so it could not find its rightful place as an object of worship in the community.
A Texas family found an image of their Savior, Jesus, in shower-stall mold, an image they claim helped control one family member's HIV and keep another out of prison! Such is the power of spiritual acceptance. Of course, doubters might say it looks more like Tiny Tim, but that is because they have not shed the scales of disbelief from their eyes.
Another woman captured the Son of God praying in her TV! No... that's not right... Jesus was not praying in her TV. What I meant to say was that she took a picture of her TV and later saw the image of Jesus praying in the picture. It was miraculous.
A New Mexico man found the image of Jesus in his tortilla, and others saw the likeness of Mary in a hamburger joint in Tampa. Cynics will sniff at this evidence of divine revelation and say that nobody even knows what Jesus or the Virgin Mary looked like. But truly God works in mysterious ways, and we who have found the Way know in our hearts what is true and what is not.
After several hours of devotional picture surfing, I began to experience an epiphany. My heart opened to the wonder of faith and with it my eyes too began to see. The inner pressure of long repudiation began to well up in me.
With my eyes clouded by tears of emotion from the profound revelation I had experienced, I rushed out into the night to see if I too could bring witness to the miraculous.
My fervent prayers were answered! For right there at my feet was the image of the Madonna and Child!
I was enlightened and – bursting the dam of denial – for that moment at least had achieved a state of transcendental bliss.
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Clicking the links in the article might bring YOU salvation too. I recommend it!
*Check out all the inspirational images in the slideshow!

The Aliens Among Us

I am sure that many of you readers out there would be only too happy to believe that I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
To you, I stick out my tongue (but in a mature and adult way).
Nonetheless, I have to admit that I DO lack some basic US cultural information on account of living abroad for many years. Expats live in a kind of time warp; their image of their "passport countries" is tied to when they lived there last. For me this would be in the early 1990s which might as well be the Cretaceous Period.
For example, a few years ago I went to a restaurant in the US, a usual, "family-style" place. And when I looked at the menu, there at the bottom was a section entitled "Vegan Choices".
Nowadays, everyone simply breezes over that part and gets to the meat of the menu, but back then, I was thinking, "Vegan?!"
I didn't want to appear intolerant, so I didn't SAY anything to the waiter, but I did look around surreptitiously to see who was eating at that restaurant. Everyone looked like normal people to me.
Having lived abroad for a long time, I knew that I had missed out on a lot of happenings in the US – the whole fixation on "reality TV", for example – but it was a bit of a surprise to see that menus even at ordinary restaurants had items for visitors from Vega. I was relieved that their food did not include me, but I wondered when they had arrived on our planet and why it had not been in the news.
Of course – ha ha – NOW I understand that most people think vegans are not expats from Vega, but there are still a lot of unanswered questions out there that trouble me and cause me to wonder.
Everything we eat has detailed labels on it, important reading that will help you live a healthy life. It's useful to know that your strawberry jam is "Non-Fat" and that your mineral water has "no calories" and is also not "a significant source of fat, saturated fat or trans fat". Who could guess these things without pertinent labeling.
"Organic" is one of those words that I look for on labels. I feel like it means the items are produced with the actual health of the consumer in mind. But even this label is used in ways that I find hard to understand.
The other day, for example, I passed a shop that advertised "organic manicure and pedicure". Say what? What are the workers DOING in there... gnawing at the customers' fingers and toes? Is a manicure a dietary item? I don't even want to THINK about the pedicure.
And then, I was listening to NPR in the car (I am that sophisticated). Nowadays they announce their sponsors in a "non-commercial" sort of way, and the announcer said (I am not making this up), "This program is brought to you by so-and-so company, makers of organic mattresses...."
Organic mattresses?
My impression was that "organic" referred to an environmentally friendly method of farming – you know – without fertilizers or pesticides. So is there a company out there farming mattresses? When did THIS happen? Perhaps the Vegans really did land and are doing this difficult task with their advanced technology?
"Pterosaurish has really gone off the deep end this time," you say?
Well, check this out, organic, eco-vegan mattresses! You see?
It's like this. The Vegans (pronounced "Vaygans") did land, and they have cleverly re-branded themselves as vegans (pronounced "veegans"), and they are changing many businesses to cater to their unique, cultural requirements.
Their diet?
Check!
Vegan clothing?
Check!
Supporting their unique sleeping habits?
And check again!
Who knows where this will stop?
You don't see anything Vegan in Japan, for instance, so they apparently have landed mostly in the good ol' US of A. The danger is that most of them look and act just like Americans, not falling back on their own planet's customs! There is a sprinkling of exceptions – Mitt Romney, for instance – but the way they have been integrated and accepted into our society is remarkable and, if you think about it, a tribute to American tolerance of diversity!

What? Cat's got your brain?

I have reported here before about the benefits of promoting national cat-ownership* rates, including enhanced performance in soccer competitions. Clearly someone has been paying attention, as the Japanese women's team has – against all predictions – won the World Cup. The fact that leading player Sawa Homare has a Scottish Fold provides striking evidence of the efficacy of the strategy I proposed.
Recently, however, it has been brought to my attention that being around cats may increase the suicide and self-destructive rates among women. While it might be facile to say that a component of self-destructiveness may be fearlessness, and fearlessness is critical to aggressive and successful play on the soccer pitch, serious writers like myself cannot allow ourselves to be sucked into presenting superficial explanations for complicated issues. We have Fox news to do that for us.
The details of this problem are highly technical, so let me describe them in layman's terms. There is a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii which lives part of its life cycle in rats and then also in cats. The parasite has an unusual effect on the rats' brains, causing them to lose their fear of cats and, indeed, to be stimulated rather than repelled by the smell of cat urine. This allows the cats to catch and eat them more easily, thus ensuring the continued life cycle of the parasite.
"What does that have to do with us humans," you ask?
An excellent question, proving that you are paying attention.
Obviously we humans don't eat cats, so the parasite infects us through the handling of things which have been infected with cat poo. This includes kitty litter, for example, but also unwashed vegetables and so on from infected areas.
The parasite affects our brains too, but not in the way it was reported in the link shown above.
Far from it.
Other research shows that France has one of the highest contagion levels of toxoplasmosis in the developed world, with some areas reporting a 47% infection rate. A quick look at international suicide stats, however, indicates that French women do not commit suicide at a significantly higher rate than the women of other countries. Brazil is also alleged to have high infection rates of this parasite (consider the quality of THAT country's soccer players!), but their suicide rates are very low.
How could this be? And how can we square this information with the study above that showed women are likely to be self-destructive when infected?
First of all, since France has high infection rates, we need to have a look at French men and see if there is any indication of erratic or self-destructive behavior evident. I could rest my case by simply saying "Dominique Strauss-Kahn", but if we look at the suicide data above, we can see that French men DO have an exceptionally high suicide rate as well. In addition, French perfumes that women wear, such as Chanel number 5, have a chemical ingredient in them that is also present in cat urine. This means that French men – like parasite-infected rats – could be driven to self-destructive behavior by the women around them!
That is not all.
The French are noted for their production and consumption of wine, running second in this category behind Italy with an annual per-capita consumption of 47 liters (Americans by contrast consume only 7 liters per person; clearly some people are not doing their fair share!). As with the perfumes, there is a chemical found in Sauvignon Blanc and Cabernet Sauvignon, p-mentha-8-thiol-3-one, that is also a component of – you guessed it – cat pee.
This explains the French connection! French men AND women are infected by the kitty parasite, but the combination of French perfumes on the women (could this be why French men seem to be so romantic?), and the wines French men drink triggers the self-destructive behavior, resulting in a very high suicide rate and Dominique Strauss-Kahn.
Coincidentally, my favorite wine is Sauvignon Blanc and I definitely have done my share of litter box cleaning.... hmmm....


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*I am completely aware of the debate about who owns whom when it comes to cats, but for the sake of convenience, I am using it this way.

Once again, let me say that clicking the links in this post will enhance the experience, and this edition is the 2nd anniversary edition of Pterosaurish. Thank you for all 6,890 views. I hope it helps to get you through the day.

Potty Nanny

If you are like me, you probably muddle along in life, trying to figure out what is going on with the precious little information available to you.
Yes, it's true that some countries are better at being helpful than others. In Japan, for example, public steps are taken on a routine basis to ensure that citizens get the information they need to live happier and less accident prone lives. Riding commuter trains in any big city, for example, you can hear or see announcements exhorting you to:
"Hold onto the escalator handrail and stand within the yellow lines on each step."
"Hold your child's hand while riding the escalator."
"Stand behind the yellow line on the platform."
"Your cell phone may adversely affect those with medical devices such as pace-makers. Please turn off your phone." (Nobody does)
"The trains are very crowded, please prepare to disembark well before the train arrives at your station."
"Watch your step as you disembark the train."
"Please take all of your belongings with you when you leave the train."
"Please do not talk on your cellphone except in the designated areas."
"No pets."
And so on.
Despite these worthwhile efforts, however, there are a lot of "grey areas" where average laymen, like me, find it difficult to make decisions about which path to take down the trail of life.
Imagine my delight then to stumble upon this news! In a nutshell, scientists, in their ever eager desire to make a better tomorrow, have developed a talking urinal cake. For you ladies out there ("ladies" = women who don't know what a urinal cake is), a urinal cake is a round cake of deodorant that is put in the bottom of urinals, where men pee in restrooms as opposed to out in the bushes or other unauthorized places.
This talking urinal cake says, in a woman's voice, helpful things like, "Hey, listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!" and then goes on to suggest that maybe you have had too many drinks and might need a designated driver. The urinal cake, unfortunately, does not go the next step and actually offer to BE the designated driver, but the mere suggestion to the inebriated urinater is hoped to be enough.
Leaving aside the side effects of such a device...

Scenario: Drunk in restroom
Drunk (peeing): Oh my god... that malt liquor goes right THROUGH me ... whew... ahhhh....
Urinal cake: Hey! Listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!"
Drunk (looking around and peeing outside the urinal): What the...? Damn, did I go into the wrong restroom? I am sorry ladies.... damn. No wait.... there ain't no urinals in the ladies room! Ha ha ha ha! Oops... damn... all over the wall! (giggles and improves his aim).
Urinal cake: Hey! Listen up! That's right, I am talking to you!"
Drunk (staggering back and peeing on the floor, his own shoes and pants cuffs): Oh my god! I am starting to hear things! I need a drink BAD! (he staggers back into the bar)

... the developers may be onto something.

As a first step, these devices should not be limited to the men's room. Of course, the women's toilet always has water in it, so it cannot be activated in the same way as the urinal cake. Instead the toilet seat itself could be the activating mechanism.

Scenario: Woman in restroom
Woman (sitting on toilet): Whew... I thought I was going to pop in that meeting...
Toilet seat: Hey, sweetie. I noticed when you sat down, you depressed every one of my sensors, basically enveloping me. Maybe you want to cut out that bag of chips in the afternoon when you watch TV?
Woman: . . . . . . . . .

Or why should we stop there? One-way suggestions from mechanical devices are so last century! Interactive is the buzz word for today. You could incorporate the interactivity of your iPhone's Siri into the urinal cake!

Scenario: Drunk in restroom
Drunk (peeing and crying): Oh man... I am such a loser... all those beautiful women out there and not one... NOT ONE of them even gives me a second glance...
Urinal cake: Hey! Let me ask you a question, OK?
Drunk (looking around): Huh? OK....
Urinal cake: Can you actually SEE your wiener over your beer belly there?
Drunk (checking): Well... uh.... no, but I can FEEL it?
Urinal cake: That's your reason. Have a nice day.

Think about the other possibilities. Most people probably spend 15 minutes a day using the restroom facilities or 456 hours per year. If you consider that the average therapy session is one hour, perhaps one time a week, you can see that an interactive toilet device could be deployed in a psychiatric role to good effect.

Scenario: Toilet therapy
Toilet: So... tell me, Walter, after our last session, how did you feel? Were you better able to understand your wife's reaction to your neoprene fetish?
Walter: Well... I thought about it, of course, but I just don't understand why she is so down on this important part of my character!
Toilet: Maybe you should go back to regular sheets and pillow cases? Perhaps the sudden change was too much for her. I certainly think that changing to cotton clothing would not be a bad thing to try. It IS your marriage, after all.
Walter: I will have to think about that... see you later after lunch.
Toilet: See you Walter. Don't forget to put the toilet seat back down and to wash your hands before leaving the restroom.

I am sure that inventive scientists can come up with even more applications for this exciting new technology. After all every home has at least one toilet and restaurants, shopping centers, stores, stadiums and almost every other place have thousands more right in your neighborhood. Perhaps the toilets could even be adapted to detect your DNA and send you a very personal message. It will be a brave new world indeed!

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The links in all of my posts are meant to be clicked and looked at, contributing an added dimension to this experience.

Five Fashion Failures to Avoid

Everyone who knows me, knows that I am an impeccable dresser and that (without being too puffed up about it) my example in fashion is worth noticing. I have even written here about fashion hints for men. While it is true not everyone can be as sartorially sophisticated as I am, the very least one should strive for is to avoid the obvious fashion failures that seem to blight our general view.
1. Comb-over hair style
Some people like Donald Trump can get away with a comb-over hairstyle, because they are inherently cool. For the rest of mandom, however, the comb-over does not fool anyone for a second. I have often wondered about this phenomenon. The man grows the hair on the sides or in back exceptionally long. What is he thinking as he parts his hair just above an ear and combs it over the bowling ball above? Does this person then stand back, look at himself in the mirror and wink, giving himself a double thumbs up? If so, he is delusional. Everyone, I repeat, EVERYONE he meets during the course of the day notices the laborious engineering feat of his comb-over, and all of them, to a woman, think it looks ridiculous. Even the milder form of this, what is called a "bar code" hairstyle in Japan, does not fool anyone for even a nanosecond and makes the comber look sad. Bald is not bad; there is no need to go to extremes to pretend.
2. Lipstick excess
Lipstick applied correctly adds a luster of lusciousness to a woman's face, but it cannot be used to make up for natural deficiencies. A woman with naturally thin lips does not enhance her appearance by applying lipstick outside the lip line. Obviously, enhancing the lips so that you CAN apply a lot of lipstick has its limitations too.
Another problem with laying the lipstick on too thickly is the way it then tends to spread to other places, like teeth. Bloody looking teeth do not send out the sexy signals that most women intend when they apply lipstick to begin with.
3. Plucking and drawing eyebrows
If a woman's eyebrows meet over the bridge of her nose or could be used as a comb-over base if she should ever go bald, some judicious trimming or plucking might be called for. But for most women this is totally unnecessary and seems to automatically escalate to excess (which is true for almost any cosmetic). Some women will go so far as to completely remove their natural eyebrows and then pencil in what they think their eyebrows SHOULD look like. This is invariably an invitation to disaster as the penciled in ones are often not symmetrical or can give the face a startled or even fearful expression, which, because it is drawn on, is unchanging regardless of one's mood. Let's go easy on the eyebrow pencil and plucking, shall we?
4. Perfumes and colognes
Nothing says cheap like too much perfume or cologne even if the fragrance itself is an expensive one. Our sense of smell is amazingly acute so overloading the system with a powerful smell is likely to cause permanent damage. In fact, there are some studies that suggest that natural pheromones are important in picking the right person for you. If you overwhelm your natural smell with perfumes, you may end up with Mr. Wrong instead of the dream guy you always wanted.
5. Tattoos
Finally, we need to discuss tattoos which have become so commonplace of late that they can even be considered mainstream. While a tribal tattoo on someone from the tribe that created it might have a certain caché, on anyone else it looks silly. The tattooed person also sounds ludicrous, talking about his "tribal" tattoo while living in – say – New Jersey. Adding more tattoos to the ones you already have is generally not a good idea. As with cosmetics, the tattooing seems to escalate until one's skin looks like a disaster area. When your skin is firm and muscles underneath are strong, the dragon tattoo may look chic, but gain some weight or get to be 70 and the fetching dragon will take on an entirely different appearance. If you simply must have a tattoo, remember they are basically forever; making sure the spelling is correct is basic.

I hope these fashion hints will help you avoid some common, fashion pitfalls and gain confidence in your appearance.