The End is Nigh

As everyone knows, according to the Mayan calendar and many other beliefs, the world will come to an end on December 21st of this year. Wouldn't you just know that the world would choose THAT day to end. It's my birthday! What this means is that I won't be getting any gifts, cake, or ANYthing at all. What a drag. But all self-centered whining aside, the end of the world is not likely to be a good present for anyone, even if your birthday happens to be at some other time of the year.
One thing that the Mayan calendar does not specifically tell us is just HOW the world will come to an end. Some say the magnetic poles will reverse; others insist that zombies will come and take over the planet. No one presents any convincing evidence that either of these admittedly likely phenomena will end the world as we know it.
New data has been released, however, that – thanks to a reader – has been brought to my attention and which suggests very clearly how the world will end.
In my last posting here, I talked about the weight problem that the United States is suffering from. We tend to think of this as just so much blubber, waddling through the shopping centers, but in fact it is much more dangerous than that.
According to the data recently released, while the United States accounts for only 6 percent of the world's population, it accounts for over 30% of the weight problem.
So what is wrong with that, you ask?
The world is a ball, so let us begin by examining basic ball dynamics. As any follower of baseball will tell you, the spitball was banned because of the effect it had on the flight of the ball. Adding some saliva or lubricant to one spot on the ball's surface causes it to rotate eccentrically, thus making it hard to hit.
If you look at a map, you will see that the United States occupies a relatively small part of the northern hemisphere. Increasing the weight in such a small area has the potential for throwing the whole planet off its normal rotation. We can call this the "Spitball Effect". The more weight Americans gain, the more likely it is that the Earth's smooth rotation will go wobbly on us. A small deviation from the norm might escalate on its own, causing the whole planet to spin out of control.
This is happening in the here and now, even as I write. As you can see from Chart 101 on this page, the number of earthquakes has been increasing year-by-year due to escalating wobble in our planet's rotation. By December, our planet may no longer be able to sustain its rotation, and all of us will be flung off into space.
The world will end not with a bang or a whimper but with a massive TILT.
Game over.
So, to all of my friends out there, if you wouldn't mind, could you give me the birthday presents and parties – say – on December 10th or so? Just to be safe? Thank you.