Eucharist Goes Viral

Perhaps you have seen this report about the bishop who might have inadvertently given his parishioners hepatitis through the instrument of Holy Communion. Apparently the bishop got hepatitis himself while on a trip to Italy and brought it back to North Dakota unwittingly as an unwelcome souvenir. He seemed to have gotten it from contaminated food over there.
The worry is that in the giving of communion in four churches, he may have passed along the disease to members of the congregations. Parishioners are being warned by the Department of Health to be on the lookout for symptoms of the illness, which include "fever, tiredness, loss of appetite, nausea, abdominal discomfort, dark urine, pale stools or jaundice". 
Sounds yucky.
As you may also be aware, the Roman Catholic Church believes in "transubstantiation".  This is the belief that the bread and wine of Communion actually change into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. This enables the believer to become more like Jesus and to leave behind the sins that have led him or her away from God. Ignoring the "eww factor", we can guess that the worshipers at the churches in North Dakota were participating in just such a ritual. 
The typical sacramental bread is in wafer form, unleavened and made only with water and wheat flour. The wafers were traditionally made in convents by nuns, but nowadays most are made and stamped by machine. Since wheat flour typically has gluten, the transubstantiation into the body of Christ removes any danger of gluten intolerance, proving the power of this belief.
As the wafers pass from manufacturer to distributor, from distributor to local church, from local church to the mouths of the faithful, they must pick up various "contaminants", dust, packaging molecules, and so on. Presumably these all turn into the body of Jesus upon consumption by the flocks of believers receiving them, since the priest holds up the wafer with "everything on it" and proclaims it to be the "body of Christ". Any believer would agree that the hepatitis along with everything else clinging to the wafer turns into the body of Jesus.
Clearly this is another example of government encroachment on religious rights of worship. The Department of Health in North Dakota, obviously under the godless influence of the Obama administration, is raising concerns that the Holy Eucharist might be contaminated with disease! Catholics should know that the alarm is being raised unnecessarily and that the faithful flocks in North Dakota have absolutely nothing to worry about.