Let's Senior

Japan has had loads of problems lately with tracking where their seniors have gone. The issue of how to provide for the aging population has simply consumed the nation for years, and now... suddenly... the seniors seem not to have been there all along. Blessings come when least expected.
Electronics giant, Sony (Motto: Let us implant something in you), has decided that having seniors (centenarians in particular) running loose is not the Japanese Way, so they have come up with an IC chip that can help the nation keep track of its elders.
How sweet.
Scenario
Scene opens with obviously demented senior shuffling down the street. She passes a detection device which immediately relays the location of the senior to her family. Her oldest son is watching the J-League soccer game on TV at home.
Oldest Son: (not taking his eyes off of the TV) Hey! Have you looked at the STD today? (SDT = Senior Tracking Device).
Wife: No! And listen... Ichitaro (their son) had his soccer practice this morning and I had to take him out to the field. Then Nihime (their daughter) had her piano lessons after that, so I had to rush back and pick her up and take her over to Hetakuso Piano School for that. What have YOU been doing? It's YOUR mom after all.
Oldest Son: Don't fly into a snit every time we talk about my mom! I was just asking. I thought MAYBE you might have checked the STD to see where she was! I woke up this morning and didn't see her around and just wondered where she might have gone.
Wife: You woke up this morning at 10! I have been up since 5:30. Do you know that Ichitaro (their son... in case you might have forgotten) has his soccer practices during the summer from 8?
Oldest Son: Eight o'clock in the morning? Wow. When I was in school we had soccer practice from 9 o'clock. He must really been getting in some good practice!
Wife: (speaking over the last sentence of Oldest son's comment) What I am saying is, I had to get up at 5:30 and make a lunch for Ichitaro and also Nihime -- and you KNOW how she hates her bento if it isn't cute; I just HATE having to cut the sausages into little octopusses with the eyes and everything? -- and then I had to get Ichitaro's uniform out and get him dressed and so on while you were down here on the floor, wallowing around recovering from your night out with your "colleagues" last night! Why were you out so late anyway?!
Oldest Son: Huh? I was at work... and.... and... then we all went out drinking... it was Friday after all.
Wife: Mmhm.... and where did you go drinking?
Oldest Son: The usual places downtown... I forget... the Bar Licky? I think it was the Bar Licky.
Wife: Yeah? Well, Hiroshi (Oldest son's colleague from work) just called a little while ago -- while you were still unconscious here on the living room floor -- asking why you didn't come out with the company group last night! He wanted to know if you were sick or what?!!
Oldest Son: Oh... Hiroshi called? Oh.... well... what does HE know.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Grandma has walked off the edge of the bridge and fallen into a huge culvert where she has been swept away.)

Oldest Son: I didn't know Hiroshi was going out last night... he told me he had to go home!
Wife: (hands on hips, with eyes staring daggers) So... Where DID you go last evening?!
Oldest Son: Um.. I went drinking like always.... to the Bar Licky... with the others... Hiroshi wasn't there.
Wife: I hate to say this because it makes me seem like an awful person, but I called the Bar Licky and they said no group from Saitei Kaisha (Oldest son's company) had come in last night. (she looks at him meaningfully)

Narrator: Grandma is carried by the unusually high water (this season) and flowed out into Tokyo Bay.

Oldest Son: Hmm... maybe it wasn't the Bar Licky that we went to.... I was drunk! How am I supposed to remember?! Don't you know that in Japanese culture when someone is drunk we forgive and forget all about it?!
Wife: What the fuck are you talking about? You were out with your colleague alright... what's her name... Aiko.
Oldest Son: I WAS not... she was only there for a little while and then she had to go back to her apartment in Roppongi.
Wife: Right... Roppongi...
Oldest Son: Yes... she had to go home to... to... take care of her aging mother.

Narrator: Grandma has been flowed along with a large styrofoam box (used for shipping chilled fish) and managed to stay on top of it as she is swept out beyond Tokyo Bay.

Wife: Crap. Her mother died 20 years ago. Don't you read the papers? Aiko is under suspicion for pension fraud.
Oldest Son: What? Really? Oh... I didn't know that? Wow.... I wondered why she always seemed to be able to pay for all the .....
Wife: The WHAT?!!!
Oldest Son: Oops...

Narrator: Grandma on her styrofoam shipping box has been swept out into the Pacific Ocean.

Wife: I HATE YOU!! You have NEVER cared for me or the kids... I am so TIRED of doing everything around here, waiting on you and your mom hand and.... YOUR MOM!!
Oldest Son: Oh my god... where IS she?!!
Wife: Let me check the STD (Senior Tracking Device, for those of you who have not been paying attention). She is not on the screen! The last blip shows her around the river!!!
Oldest Son: Oh my god! What if she fell in?!! Let's go look for her.

October 17th, 2010
San Francisco (Reuters) Japanese Woman Sets Record
This morning at 08:17 Coast Guard Cutter WAGL-305 Mesquite recovered Ms. Furuko Tanaka from the sea outside of San Francisco bay. She had sailed across the Pacific Ocean on a large, styrofoam shipping box. At 91 years old, she has been recognized by the Guiness Book Of World Records as the oldest person to single-handedly sail across the Pacific Ocean.
When asked about her achievement, Furuko responded, "I love raw fish, and the Pacific Ocean is still full of it!"
She has been taken to a local hotel where she awaits contact from her family in Japan.