North Korean 101

As with cricket reporters, the North Koreans have come up with interesting variations of language use that may not be immediately clear to the novice. After long and patient hours of study and extensive research, I have educated myself to the point where I can translate these expressions into common English for the average person.
As a professional language teacher, I know that the best place to start in any language lesson is with its easiest components, so let's begin with some of the simpler expressions that spring from the mouths of North Korean spokesmen. I will put the expression here (from North Korea's 100th Anniversary of Juche New Year's greeting) and will give examples of inaccurate translations as well as the correct answer.
1. "This year's general offensive is a continuation of the grand onward march for improving the people's standard of living, and its new, higher stage." (from the New Year Report)
Translation A: We will continue to work towards improving the lives of the average North Korean citizen.
This translation is incorrect. If you understand that the words "the people" actually mean "Kim Jong Il and his cronies", then you will understand the true meaning of the expression. Translation A did leave out "its new higher stage", which is accurate. This is only filler and has no real meaning.
2. "Light industry is the major front in the general offensive of this year."
Translation B: We will develop light industry as never before.
This is an almost accurate translation. It would be better if the words "as never before" were omitted and "one of these days" put in their place.
3. "The present grand onward march for the improvement of the people's standard of living demands that a full-scale offensive be launched in the overall economic front."
Translation C: Hmm.... something about improving Kim Jong Il and his cronies' standard of living, but I don't get the rest of it.
Yes, this one seems easy but is more complicated than it looks. You got part of it right though! Quick learner.
A correct translation would be, "We will continue to work hard to improve the standard of living of Kim Jong Il and his cronies by making a serious effort to get around the sanctions imposed on us."
4. "A revolution in light industry is just a revolution in chemical industry."
Translation D: Huh?
Exactly. Sometimes even the North Koreans do not know what they are saying.
5. "An important way to accelerate the speed of the onward march for a great upsurge in the whole of economic construction is to continue to intensify the drive of breaking through the cutting edge."
Translation E: Wow, these are really getting hard! I am completely perplexed.
Once again, you are correct. This is actually just a stringing together of "buzz words" without thinking about whether they actually make a hive.
6. "Greater efforts should be made to spruce up the overall looks of the country as appropriate to a thriving nation."
Translation F: I got this one, I think! "We will try to make our country more attractive"?
No. Completely wrong. This is better translated as "We will control the movements of tourists and other visitors even more, so that they can't see what our country really looks like". Actually "sprucing up the overall looks of the country" would require taking money from "the people", if you get my drift.
7. "At present the Juche-oriented cause of army building is making dynamic progress on a new, high stage."
Translation G: Let's see... "new, high stage" is filler, so I can ignore that, so how about, "We are building our army"?
Very good. Simplicity of expression is not one of their strong suits, but you just about covered it.
8. "Last year our nation's movement for the country's reunification made dynamic progress even in the face of the vicious challenges of the separatist forces inside and outside."
Translation H: How about, "We made progress in our relations with South Korea despite troubles from inside and outside"?
Close, but you are not reading between the lines. A better translation would be, "We tried very hard through sinking a South Korean naval vessel and shelling one of their islands to show that they need to cave in to our pressure, but they didn't and the US didn't either."
9: "Confrontation between north and south should be defused as early as possible."
Translation I: Surely this means what it says?
No. The correct translation is, "We will continue to subvert the south by every means possible and fritter away time at the negotiating table in order to keep our government afloat".
Finally, I challenge any of my readers to read through the message from North Korea upon the 100th anniversary year of Juche, or another example of their messages here.